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1
00:00:31,462 --> 00:00:33,231
[ZOMBIES SNARLING]
2
00:00:36,301 --> 00:00:37,502
[♪♪♪]
3
00:00:37,635 --> 00:00:38,669
Hmph.
4
00:00:43,942 --> 00:00:45,476
COLUMBUS:
Welcome to Zombieland.
5
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,646
[♪♪♪]
6
00:00:47,779 --> 00:00:50,449
Back for seconds?
After all this time?
7
00:00:50,582 --> 00:00:52,183
Well, what can I say,
but thank you.
8
00:00:52,317 --> 00:00:53,652
You have a lot of choices
9
00:00:53,785 --> 00:00:55,520
when it comes to
zombie entertainment,
10
00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:57,155
and we appreciate
you picking us.
11
00:00:57,289 --> 00:00:58,623
So you know how Eskimos
12
00:00:58,756 --> 00:01:00,659
have a bunch of words for snow?
13
00:01:00,792 --> 00:01:02,594
[COLUMBUS SPEAKING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
14
00:01:04,562 --> 00:01:07,031
The only reason we've survived
the last several years
15
00:01:07,165 --> 00:01:09,434
is we've gotten to know
our bloodthirsty enemies
16
00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:10,969
better than we know ourselves.
17
00:01:11,103 --> 00:01:12,703
In the time since
we last saw you,
18
00:01:12,837 --> 00:01:14,439
zombies have evolved,
19
00:01:14,573 --> 00:01:16,174
so we've given them
different names.
20
00:01:16,307 --> 00:01:17,576
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
21
00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:19,344
This lady here is getting chased
22
00:01:19,477 --> 00:01:22,514
by the dumbest Z there is,
what we call a Homer.
23
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:23,815
[♪♪♪]
24
00:01:23,949 --> 00:01:25,417
[GROWLS]
25
00:01:25,550 --> 00:01:26,918
In a world without YouTube,
26
00:01:27,051 --> 00:01:28,554
who isn't entertained
by a Homer?
27
00:01:28,687 --> 00:01:30,022
[GROANING]
28
00:01:32,023 --> 00:01:33,023
D'oh!
29
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,062
[GRUNTING]
30
00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:45,403
Unfortunately, for every Homer,
31
00:01:45,536 --> 00:01:48,707
there's a Hawking,
as in Stephen.
32
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,543
Or maybe his slightly less
accomplished sister, Beatrix,
33
00:01:51,677 --> 00:01:53,687
who's still got some brains
left to figure shit out.
34
00:01:53,711 --> 00:01:54,711
Open, open!
35
00:01:54,745 --> 00:01:56,548
[ZOMBIE GROWLING]
36
00:01:57,682 --> 00:01:59,051
[GLASS SQUEAKING]
37
00:02:00,985 --> 00:02:02,621
[RASPY BREATHING]
38
00:02:04,489 --> 00:02:05,590
[CRUNCHING]
39
00:02:05,724 --> 00:02:06,724
[GASPS]
40
00:02:06,825 --> 00:02:07,993
[SOFT POP]
41
00:02:11,129 --> 00:02:12,431
[SCANNER BEEPS]
42
00:02:13,798 --> 00:02:14,833
[SCANNER BEEPS]
43
00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:17,334
[YELLS]
44
00:02:17,468 --> 00:02:18,468
Clever girl.
45
00:02:18,569 --> 00:02:19,569
[SCREAMS]
46
00:02:20,872 --> 00:02:22,307
Okay. Last one.
47
00:02:22,441 --> 00:02:24,276
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what was that?
48
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,212
Okay, all right.
Well, this time,
49
00:02:27,345 --> 00:02:29,414
let's play Name That Zombie.
50
00:02:30,515 --> 00:02:31,515
Hello?
51
00:02:34,252 --> 00:02:35,286
Hello?
52
00:02:36,554 --> 00:02:38,290
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
53
00:02:38,423 --> 00:02:39,423
- [GROWLS]
- [SCREAMS]
54
00:02:41,259 --> 00:02:44,095
The Ninja. Silent, deadly.
55
00:02:44,228 --> 00:02:46,564
The first thing you hear
is your own scream.
56
00:02:46,698 --> 00:02:48,100
[SCREAMS]
57
00:02:51,069 --> 00:02:52,470
[♪♪♪]
58
00:02:54,539 --> 00:02:59,111
You can imagine how thrilled we
were to crack the zombie code.
59
00:02:59,244 --> 00:03:03,114
But life is about more
than just survival.
60
00:03:03,247 --> 00:03:05,717
Ever since we were evicted
from our normal lives,
61
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:09,320
I'd been searching for a place
to put down roots.
62
00:03:09,453 --> 00:03:14,259
My old pal Tallahassee has this
saying, "Go big or go home."
63
00:03:14,392 --> 00:03:17,729
It's not his signature phrase,
but it did give me an idea.
64
00:03:18,796 --> 00:03:20,132
Why not go big...
65
00:03:21,232 --> 00:03:22,433
and go home?
66
00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,703
[METALLICA'S "MASTER OF PUPPETS"
PLAYING]
67
00:03:51,463 --> 00:03:53,565
♪ End of passion play ♪
68
00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:55,634
♪ Crumbling away ♪
69
00:03:55,767 --> 00:03:59,971
♪ I'm your source
of self-destruction ♪
70
00:04:00,105 --> 00:04:02,240
♪ Veins that pump with fear ♪
71
00:04:02,374 --> 00:04:04,309
♪ Sucking darkest clear ♪
72
00:04:04,443 --> 00:04:08,446
♪ Leading on
Your death's construction ♪
73
00:04:08,579 --> 00:04:10,815
♪ Taste me
You will see ♪
74
00:04:10,948 --> 00:04:12,683
♪ More is all you need ♪
75
00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:17,222
♪ You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you ♪
76
00:04:21,325 --> 00:04:24,396
♪ Come crawling faster ♪
77
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:28,767
♪ Obey your master ♪
78
00:04:30,568 --> 00:04:35,173
♪ Your life burns faster ♪
79
00:04:35,307 --> 00:04:37,542
♪ Obey your master ♪
80
00:04:37,675 --> 00:04:39,744
♪ Master
Master of puppets ♪
81
00:04:39,877 --> 00:04:42,680
♪ I'm pulling your strings ♪
82
00:04:42,814 --> 00:04:46,484
♪ Twisting your mind
And smashing your dreams ♪
83
00:04:46,618 --> 00:04:49,553
♪ Blinded by me
You can't see a thing ♪
84
00:04:49,687 --> 00:04:52,690
♪ Just call my name
'Cause I'll hear you scream ♪
85
00:04:52,824 --> 00:04:54,959
♪ Master
Master ♪
86
00:04:55,093 --> 00:04:58,596
♪ Master of puppets
I'm pulling your strings ♪
87
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:01,066
♪ Twisting your mind
and smashing your... ♪
88
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:06,137
Hail to the motherfucking chief.
89
00:05:06,271 --> 00:05:07,605
["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING]
90
00:05:07,739 --> 00:05:09,207
COLUMBUS:
There are worse places
91
00:05:09,340 --> 00:05:10,575
to hang your hat.
92
00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:12,410
[SIGHS]
Casa Blanca.
93
00:05:12,544 --> 00:05:15,213
Wait, why does he get
to be president?
94
00:05:15,346 --> 00:05:17,615
I would have made
a damn fine president.
95
00:05:17,749 --> 00:05:19,918
Kissed a few hands,
shook a few babies.
96
00:05:20,051 --> 00:05:22,521
You would have brought
a real dignity to the office.
97
00:05:22,654 --> 00:05:24,454
- Thank you.
- You don't have what it takes.
98
00:05:24,589 --> 00:05:25,889
- I'll be president.
- Heh!
99
00:05:26,023 --> 00:05:28,126
And I nominate Little Rock
as my VP.
100
00:05:28,259 --> 00:05:30,094
So that means
I get to be president
101
00:05:30,228 --> 00:05:31,663
if you get killed by zombies.
102
00:05:31,797 --> 00:05:33,331
That wasn't what I was thinking
103
00:05:33,464 --> 00:05:35,901
when I offered you
the position, but yes.
104
00:05:36,034 --> 00:05:37,135
[♪♪♪]
105
00:05:37,269 --> 00:05:38,470
COLUMBUS:
I have this rule:
106
00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:40,105
Enjoy the little things.
107
00:05:40,238 --> 00:05:42,206
Which is what we spent
a lot of time doing
108
00:05:42,339 --> 00:05:44,108
in those early days
at the White House.
109
00:05:44,241 --> 00:05:45,743
And it was a really
special time,
110
00:05:45,876 --> 00:05:47,312
making a house our home.
111
00:05:47,445 --> 00:05:49,414
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
112
00:05:49,547 --> 00:05:52,784
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
113
00:05:52,918 --> 00:05:56,154
Shooting up, not to.
All right. Nice!
114
00:05:56,287 --> 00:05:57,355
[♪♪♪]
115
00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:03,327
COLUMBUS:
Wichita and I fell into our
own version of domestic bliss.
116
00:06:03,461 --> 00:06:07,432
Well, not quite bliss,
but domesticity to be sure.
117
00:06:07,566 --> 00:06:09,166
Did Abe's blindfold
fall off again?
118
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,202
No, it did not fall off.
I took it off.
119
00:06:11,335 --> 00:06:13,471
It's so creepy.
He stares at us all night.
120
00:06:13,604 --> 00:06:15,339
That stare emancipated
the slaves,
121
00:06:15,473 --> 00:06:16,841
and ended the Civil War.
122
00:06:16,975 --> 00:06:18,843
We should be grateful
he's gawking at us.
123
00:06:18,977 --> 00:06:21,513
Remember what happened the last
time you took the blindfold off?
124
00:06:21,646 --> 00:06:23,615
You made me sleep
on the Lincoln couch?
125
00:06:23,748 --> 00:06:25,116
Mm-hm.
126
00:06:26,417 --> 00:06:27,819
[PAPER TEARING]
127
00:06:31,356 --> 00:06:32,690
- Is that better?
- Much better.
128
00:06:32,824 --> 00:06:34,158
- Good.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
129
00:06:34,291 --> 00:06:36,995
TALLAHASSEE:
I love you so much, baby.
130
00:06:37,128 --> 00:06:40,665
You are so gorgeous.
131
00:06:40,798 --> 00:06:42,833
We really need
to find you someone.
132
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,636
That's where you're wrong.
133
00:06:44,769 --> 00:06:47,538
Any romance left in me
belongs to the Beast here.
134
00:06:47,672 --> 00:06:50,976
Okay. Well, then we need
to find someone for me.
135
00:06:52,477 --> 00:06:55,112
Heh, heh, heh,
shouldn't be a problem,
136
00:06:55,246 --> 00:06:57,148
long as you're open
to dating zombies.
137
00:06:57,282 --> 00:07:00,318
So you're saying what? I'm
never gonna find a boyfriend,
138
00:07:00,452 --> 00:07:02,521
or get married, have a family?
139
00:07:02,654 --> 00:07:07,391
We're you family, so one
out of three ain't bad.
140
00:07:07,525 --> 00:07:10,361
COLUMBUS:
Little Rock had a strong desire
to leave the nest.
141
00:07:10,494 --> 00:07:12,096
And let's just say Tallahassee
142
00:07:12,229 --> 00:07:14,332
wasn't the most understanding
father figure.
143
00:07:14,465 --> 00:07:15,633
Little Rock!
144
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,087
COLUMBUS:
But for better or worse,
145
00:07:17,201 --> 00:07:18,536
we were a family.
146
00:07:18,669 --> 00:07:20,471
And for the first time
since the virus,
147
00:07:20,605 --> 00:07:22,406
we were living somewhere
truly safe,
148
00:07:22,540 --> 00:07:25,710
making every day feel like...
Well, like Christmas morning.
149
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,748
Hello? Ho-ho-ho!
150
00:07:30,848 --> 00:07:32,283
Merry Christmas!
151
00:07:32,417 --> 00:07:33,685
Hey, Tal.
152
00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:34,952
Santa.
153
00:07:35,085 --> 00:07:37,855
What would you like for
Christmas, little girl? A pony?
154
00:07:37,989 --> 00:07:40,692
I'd like you to stop calling me
"little girl."
155
00:07:40,825 --> 00:07:43,928
Well, technically, you are
little and you're a girl.
156
00:07:44,062 --> 00:07:47,732
I am not a little girl, but
do you know what I would like?
157
00:07:47,865 --> 00:07:50,001
I don't give a fuck
what you'd like.
158
00:07:50,135 --> 00:07:52,070
COLUMBUS:
Not to sound
too sentimental,
159
00:07:52,203 --> 00:07:54,739
but those days
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
160
00:07:54,872 --> 00:07:57,008
may have been the best days
of my life,
161
00:07:57,142 --> 00:07:58,877
and that's counting pre-Z.
162
00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:02,714
Wait a second.
163
00:08:02,847 --> 00:08:05,083
Oh, my God. No.
164
00:08:05,216 --> 00:08:08,586
A first-edition Tolkien,
and you wrote in it.
165
00:08:08,719 --> 00:08:11,722
There's my name, marring this
perfectly preserved paper.
166
00:08:11,856 --> 00:08:13,389
Thank you. And yours too.
167
00:08:13,524 --> 00:08:16,560
You didn't stop.
Thank you so much.
168
00:08:16,695 --> 00:08:18,596
TALLAHASSEE:
It's a bit touching.
169
00:08:18,729 --> 00:08:21,066
Hey, you know, I couldn't
find any wrapping paper,
170
00:08:21,199 --> 00:08:23,300
but don't worry about it.
Just tear it open.
171
00:08:23,434 --> 00:08:25,937
It doesn't matter.
It's only Taft.
172
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:29,374
He was our fattest president,
so there's a lot left over
173
00:08:29,507 --> 00:08:31,376
if you need some wrapping paper.
174
00:08:31,509 --> 00:08:33,812
Columbus, I didn't get
anything from you.
175
00:08:35,213 --> 00:08:37,849
Just what I wanted.
Another gun.
176
00:08:37,981 --> 00:08:41,985
Oh, hey, well, not just any gun.
A Colt .45.
177
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,823
And not just any Colt .45.
The King's.
178
00:08:45,957 --> 00:08:47,959
England? Denmark? Lichtenstein?
179
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,961
There's only one king.
180
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:54,132
Elvis Aaron fucking Presley,
the greatest who ever lived.
181
00:08:55,165 --> 00:08:56,767
The king of kings.
182
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:59,938
He gave this gun to Nixon
when he visited the White House,
183
00:09:00,071 --> 00:09:03,908
and I give it to you,
locked and loaded.
184
00:09:04,042 --> 00:09:07,345
Yeah, he used to shoot
that Colt in his backyard.
185
00:09:07,478 --> 00:09:09,280
King's palace,
Memphis, Tennessee.
186
00:09:09,413 --> 00:09:10,581
I tell you about Graceland?
187
00:09:10,582 --> 00:09:11,749
Only a hundred times.
188
00:09:11,883 --> 00:09:13,484
We'll go there together someday.
189
00:09:13,618 --> 00:09:15,753
Actually, I'm gonna go
shoot this right now.
190
00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:18,956
I think I saw some Zs
down by the reflecting pool.
191
00:09:19,090 --> 00:09:20,691
- I'll go with.
- I'll go by myself.
192
00:09:20,825 --> 00:09:22,060
It's Christmas.
193
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,294
It's not fucking Christmas.
194
00:09:23,428 --> 00:09:24,462
It's November 17th.
195
00:09:26,463 --> 00:09:28,699
COLUMBUS:
Little Rock was on the hunt,
all right,
196
00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:30,267
for people her own age.
197
00:09:30,401 --> 00:09:32,136
And the thing is,
they were out there.
198
00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:34,505
We just made it a point
to keep our distance.
199
00:09:34,639 --> 00:09:37,308
Which would suck if you
were the one stuck in the nest.
200
00:09:39,777 --> 00:09:44,582
God, this is really terrifying,
but totally unrealistic.
201
00:09:44,715 --> 00:09:46,150
Hm...
202
00:09:46,284 --> 00:09:47,485
Hey, she'll be fine.
203
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,556
Wish she didn't remind me
so much of me.
204
00:09:51,689 --> 00:09:53,324
Hey, come on.
What's wrong with you?
205
00:09:53,458 --> 00:09:54,592
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
206
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:56,694
Nothing.
207
00:09:58,396 --> 00:10:00,665
All right.
I wasn't gonna do this now.
208
00:10:03,668 --> 00:10:08,304
Okay. Look, you always say that,
like, I play it too safe,
209
00:10:08,439 --> 00:10:11,542
and I know we've been in,
like, a bit of a rut lately.
210
00:10:11,675 --> 00:10:16,014
So I thought, what better way
to spice things up than to...
211
00:10:20,684 --> 00:10:22,252
Get married?
212
00:10:22,386 --> 00:10:24,822
Yeah, well, I was gonna
say, "Get married!" Yay!
213
00:10:24,955 --> 00:10:26,324
Is that the Hope diamond?
214
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:27,692
I certainly hope it is.
215
00:10:27,825 --> 00:10:30,228
I want you to be Miss Ohio.
Or I guess Mrs. Ohio.
216
00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:32,597
This is unfair.
You know how I feel about this.
217
00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:34,232
- What?
- We've talked about this.
218
00:10:34,365 --> 00:10:37,268
In my limited, but absurdly
painful experience,
219
00:10:37,402 --> 00:10:39,403
married people only do
one thing.
220
00:10:39,536 --> 00:10:40,905
What, fight? We already do that.
221
00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,273
Get divorced.
222
00:10:42,406 --> 00:10:44,042
I don't see us going that route.
223
00:10:44,175 --> 00:10:46,210
I mean, where would
we find the lawyers?
224
00:10:46,343 --> 00:10:48,796
I don't know what to say.
225
00:10:48,797 --> 00:10:51,249
Well, don't say anything. Yet.
226
00:10:51,382 --> 00:10:54,618
Okay? This was my fault.
I put you on the spot.
227
00:10:54,752 --> 00:10:58,155
Just think about it, and let me
know whenever you're ready.
228
00:10:58,288 --> 00:11:01,326
Everything will work out
exactly as it's supposed to.
229
00:11:02,794 --> 00:11:04,562
[SIGHS]
230
00:11:04,695 --> 00:11:06,464
[♪♪♪]
231
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:11,369
[COLUMBUS WHISTLING]
232
00:11:17,375 --> 00:11:19,143
Hey, Buttercup. What's wrong?
233
00:11:19,277 --> 00:11:21,779
Get a little too much eggnog
last night?
234
00:11:21,912 --> 00:11:23,147
Bad news.
235
00:11:23,148 --> 00:11:24,382
Bad news?
236
00:11:24,515 --> 00:11:27,818
Well, you know what cancels out
bad news? Good news.
237
00:11:27,952 --> 00:11:30,054
Today is the day
that Wichita says...
238
00:11:30,187 --> 00:11:31,455
Adios.
239
00:11:31,589 --> 00:11:32,624
Hm?
240
00:11:35,893 --> 00:11:40,264
"Dear C and T, we feel
like total shit about leaving.
241
00:11:40,398 --> 00:11:42,600
Sorry, not good at notes.
W and LR."
242
00:11:44,068 --> 00:11:45,870
Well, yeah.
"Not good at notes"
243
00:11:46,003 --> 00:11:47,939
is a pretty huge understatement.
244
00:11:49,641 --> 00:11:51,976
He's gonna take
this Beast thing pretty hard.
245
00:11:52,109 --> 00:11:55,213
Well, he should learn
to not get so attached.
246
00:11:55,346 --> 00:11:57,015
Never get attached.
Remember?
247
00:11:57,148 --> 00:11:58,716
That was the problem
with Columbus,
248
00:11:58,849 --> 00:11:59,951
he got too attached.
249
00:12:00,084 --> 00:12:01,553
Well, with Tallahassee,
it's like
250
00:12:01,686 --> 00:12:03,121
- he thinks he's my dad.
- Sure.
251
00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:05,323
But you are lucky
you don't have a boyfriend.
252
00:12:05,456 --> 00:12:07,458
Have you seen him use Q-tips?
253
00:12:07,592 --> 00:12:10,126
His bedtime routine
took an hour.
254
00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:11,996
- Stop.
- What? God, sorry.
255
00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:13,198
No, stop! Stop!
256
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:14,265
Oh!
257
00:12:14,398 --> 00:12:15,667
[TIRES SCREECH]
258
00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:19,270
[♪♪♪]
259
00:12:20,738 --> 00:12:21,738
Namaste.
260
00:12:24,475 --> 00:12:25,475
Hi.
261
00:12:28,245 --> 00:12:31,381
COLUMBUS:
Wichita leaving hit me
like a shotgun blast.
262
00:12:31,515 --> 00:12:33,951
So after weeks of feeling sorry
for myself,
263
00:12:34,084 --> 00:12:35,619
I thought a little
retail therapy
264
00:12:35,753 --> 00:12:37,154
might help get her off my mind.
265
00:12:37,288 --> 00:12:39,123
It's not like I wanted to start,
266
00:12:39,256 --> 00:12:41,860
wedding planning or anything.
I'm not crazy.
267
00:12:41,993 --> 00:12:44,428
Who wants to get married
in winter? Spring, sure.
268
00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:46,831
- Though my hair and humidity...
- Oh, my God!
269
00:12:46,964 --> 00:12:49,901
Man, I cannot listen
to this shit anymore.
270
00:12:50,034 --> 00:12:51,569
My God, it's been over a month.
271
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:53,104
Yeah, I'm bereft.
272
00:12:53,237 --> 00:12:56,206
Okay, I'm giving you
one more day to mope around,
273
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,110
and then you gotta snap
the fuck out of it.
274
00:12:59,244 --> 00:13:03,114
This whole "finding a home" idea
of yours has made us soft.
275
00:13:03,247 --> 00:13:05,416
And by us, I mean you.
276
00:13:05,550 --> 00:13:08,386
It's high time that we nut up
and hit the road again.
277
00:13:08,519 --> 00:13:09,520
And by we, I mean me.
278
00:13:09,653 --> 00:13:10,788
That's where I belong.
279
00:13:10,921 --> 00:13:13,057
On my own. Lone wolf.
280
00:13:13,191 --> 00:13:14,459
You're welcome to tag along.
281
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,727
But when they come back,
282
00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,895
- we won't be here.
- They're never coming back!
283
00:13:18,029 --> 00:13:19,897
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [ZOMBIE GROANING]
284
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,366
[GUN COCKS]
285
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:23,366
I got it.
286
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:26,102
No, no, no, no, no, no.
287
00:13:26,236 --> 00:13:28,006
Okay. Uh...
288
00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:35,379
It was good. You shot
your alcohol with your gun.
289
00:13:35,513 --> 00:13:36,681
[ZOMBIE GAGGING SOFTLY]
290
00:13:40,718 --> 00:13:42,387
[♪♪♪]
291
00:13:49,093 --> 00:13:50,227
Not bad, huh?
292
00:13:50,361 --> 00:13:54,332
Hm, no. Not bad,
but definitely no ZKOTY.
293
00:13:54,465 --> 00:13:57,969
COLUMBUS:
ZKOTY, that is
"Zombie Kill of the Year."
294
00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:00,338
Like a junkie in search
of a higher high,
295
00:14:00,471 --> 00:14:03,307
Tallahassee is no longer happy
with Zombie Kill of the Week.
296
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,075
Which, if you're keeping score,
297
00:14:05,209 --> 00:14:07,411
just went to Dave Sanderman
of Riverside, Iowa.
298
00:14:07,545 --> 00:14:09,847
You may wanna set down
the Milk Duds for this one.
299
00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:11,182
You dead, zombie!
300
00:14:11,315 --> 00:14:12,984
[GROANING]
301
00:14:14,051 --> 00:14:15,286
Whoo-whee, pig!
302
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:16,420
[LAUGHING]
303
00:14:18,289 --> 00:14:20,256
COLUMBUS:
Congratulations, Dave.
304
00:14:20,391 --> 00:14:21,925
I never told you this before.
305
00:14:22,059 --> 00:14:24,294
In fact, I never told anybody.
306
00:14:24,429 --> 00:14:30,900
But I have Native American blood
coursing through my veins.
307
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:33,187
Like, right now?
308
00:14:33,188 --> 00:14:35,338
Yeah. Right now.
309
00:14:35,472 --> 00:14:40,110
Blackfoot Indian to be exact.
The freest men in history.
310
00:14:40,244 --> 00:14:42,780
Mid-1800s, roamed the plains,
311
00:14:42,913 --> 00:14:46,116
no houses, no laws,
no possessions,
312
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:49,821
no chiefs to report to,
no wives to listen to.
313
00:14:49,954 --> 00:14:51,055
They listened...
314
00:14:52,356 --> 00:14:54,224
to the call of the buffalo.
315
00:14:54,358 --> 00:14:55,459
[SCOFFS]
316
00:14:55,592 --> 00:14:56,994
And they hunted those buffalo
317
00:14:57,127 --> 00:15:02,533
by herding them off the cliff
to their deaths.
318
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:06,320
The great buffalo jump.
319
00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:08,706
Whoa.
320
00:15:08,839 --> 00:15:12,576
I don't know why I never told
anyone about my Blackfoot blood.
321
00:15:12,709 --> 00:15:15,312
I guess it's
a sacred little secret.
322
00:15:15,446 --> 00:15:18,015
Honestly, you're
the first paleface
323
00:15:18,149 --> 00:15:19,850
I have genuinely trusted
324
00:15:19,983 --> 00:15:22,020
because you've always
been there for me.
325
00:15:22,153 --> 00:15:24,488
You care and you listen.
You really listen...
326
00:15:24,621 --> 00:15:26,390
COLUMBUS:
Unless you're
in a 4D theater,
327
00:15:26,524 --> 00:15:28,626
there is no way
I can communicate
328
00:15:28,759 --> 00:15:30,060
how bad Z-land smells,
329
00:15:30,194 --> 00:15:32,497
which is why I like candles
so much.
330
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:34,498
Today, maybe
a frosty gingerbread
331
00:15:34,632 --> 00:15:36,067
or a Bahama breeze.
332
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,368
Mmm.
333
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:38,501
[GLASS CLINKING]
334
00:15:38,602 --> 00:15:39,970
Whoa!
335
00:15:40,104 --> 00:15:43,407
Oh, my God! Please forgive me.
It's fake fur!
336
00:15:43,540 --> 00:15:45,742
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
I thought you were a...
337
00:15:45,876 --> 00:15:47,910
- You thought I was a zombie?
- Yeah. Of course.
338
00:15:48,045 --> 00:15:49,781
Oh, my God, no.
I don't even eat meat.
339
00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:52,783
I'm a vegetarian.
Vegan, actually. Heh.
340
00:15:52,917 --> 00:15:54,752
Sorry. Hi, I'm Columbus.
341
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:56,587
Madison. Heh-heh.
342
00:15:56,721 --> 00:15:57,889
Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
343
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,056
Nice to meet you.
344
00:15:59,189 --> 00:16:01,725
All right. We're hugging.
So soon. Nice to meet you.
345
00:16:01,859 --> 00:16:04,094
It's nice to touch a human.
346
00:16:04,228 --> 00:16:05,672
- TALLAHASSEE: Don't mind me.
- Oh, hello.
347
00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:07,298
If I can have my body?
Hi, sorry.
348
00:16:07,432 --> 00:16:09,133
This is Tallahassee.
This is Madison.
349
00:16:09,266 --> 00:16:10,584
Madison, Tallahassee.
350
00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:11,902
Is this your dad?
351
00:16:12,036 --> 00:16:16,373
For shit's sake, slightly older,
better-looking friend.
352
00:16:16,507 --> 00:16:17,575
Ha, ha, cute.
353
00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:18,642
You live here?
354
00:16:18,775 --> 00:16:23,079
No, Paul Blart. I live in the
freezer in Pinkberry, mm-hm.
355
00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:26,350
It keeps the zombies out,
though it is awfully chilly.
356
00:16:26,483 --> 00:16:27,584
[CHUCKLES]
357
00:16:27,718 --> 00:16:29,921
Do you ever consider
turning it off?
358
00:16:30,054 --> 00:16:32,088
Couldn't find the switch
anywhere.
359
00:16:32,223 --> 00:16:34,191
Just hoping the electricity
would run out.
360
00:16:34,324 --> 00:16:37,261
It's amazing. As long as it
rains, the dams give us power.
361
00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:38,963
Apparently not brain power.
362
00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:43,134
I feel like
you're being super judgy.
363
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:47,138
Like, I'm getting
a real anti-me vibe off of you.
364
00:16:47,271 --> 00:16:49,106
- Are you?
- Oh, my God. There it was again.
365
00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:50,257
Yeah, I saw it.
366
00:16:50,258 --> 00:16:51,275
And that's hurtful, okay?
367
00:16:51,408 --> 00:16:53,477
I'm, like, really good
at surviving.
368
00:16:53,610 --> 00:16:55,846
I carry a can of mace
with me everywhere I go.
369
00:16:55,979 --> 00:16:58,348
And I can run really, really,
really, really fast.
370
00:16:58,482 --> 00:17:01,084
Probably because I used to do
hot yoga and SoulCycle.
371
00:17:01,219 --> 00:17:04,255
Cardio! Sorry, I do
a lot of cardio too.
372
00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:07,591
It's actually my number one
rule, which is so dorky.
373
00:17:07,724 --> 00:17:10,261
But I have a list of rules
for surviving Zombieland.
374
00:17:10,394 --> 00:17:11,394
- Really?
- Yeah.
375
00:17:11,429 --> 00:17:13,163
- So do I!
- You have rules
376
00:17:13,296 --> 00:17:14,397
For surviving Zombieland?
377
00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:15,498
Mine is just mostly
378
00:17:15,631 --> 00:17:17,267
- stay in the freezer.
- Oh.
379
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,502
[GIGGLES]
380
00:17:18,636 --> 00:17:20,104
You know, we set up camp,
381
00:17:20,237 --> 00:17:22,105
like, down the road
at the White House.
382
00:17:22,238 --> 00:17:23,440
[CLEARS THROAT]
383
00:17:23,573 --> 00:17:24,975
The White House?
Oh, my God.
384
00:17:25,109 --> 00:17:26,510
Would you wanna come hang out?
385
00:17:26,642 --> 00:17:28,312
- I would love that.
- Cool.
386
00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:30,281
Okay. How many rules
do you have?
387
00:17:30,414 --> 00:17:31,916
You wanna know about my rules?
388
00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:33,417
I wanna hear all of them.
389
00:17:33,550 --> 00:17:35,152
Well, number two is double tap.
390
00:17:35,153 --> 00:17:36,754
Double tap.
391
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:38,272
Double tap, yes.
392
00:17:38,273 --> 00:17:39,657
Double tap you.
393
00:17:39,790 --> 00:17:41,075
You got me. I'm murdered.
394
00:17:41,076 --> 00:17:42,359
Ha-ha-ha.
395
00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,795
COLUMBUS:
Okay, yeah, I know
what you're thinking.
396
00:17:44,928 --> 00:17:46,530
She's absolutely not my type.
397
00:17:46,664 --> 00:17:48,432
But after Wichita
broke my heart,
398
00:17:48,565 --> 00:17:50,433
I was just excited
to talk to somebody
399
00:17:50,568 --> 00:17:53,337
who smelled like a candle,
and not whiskey and gunpowder.
400
00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:55,005
So Wichita and Little Rock left.
401
00:17:55,138 --> 00:17:57,507
It was just us guys again.
You know, bachelors.
402
00:17:57,641 --> 00:18:00,076
This guy. You know,
making a mess.
403
00:18:00,210 --> 00:18:04,581
Which actually brings me
to rule number 53, Wet-Naps.
404
00:18:04,715 --> 00:18:06,417
- Wow.
- Yeah.
405
00:18:06,551 --> 00:18:10,354
I can't believe that you keep
all this stuff in your head.
406
00:18:10,487 --> 00:18:11,487
Heh, thank you.
407
00:18:11,555 --> 00:18:13,090
- It's amazing.
- Thank you.
408
00:18:13,224 --> 00:18:15,492
- You know, you're really lucky.
- What?
409
00:18:15,625 --> 00:18:19,496
That you found someone so smart
to take care of you.
410
00:18:19,630 --> 00:18:22,933
Most people your age,
they get left all by themselves,
411
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,069
and that can be so sad.
412
00:18:25,202 --> 00:18:26,871
Yeah. I am so lucky.
413
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,539
Oh!
414
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:30,140
[CHUCKLES]
415
00:18:30,273 --> 00:18:32,576
Can we have a little summit
in the Oval Office?
416
00:18:32,710 --> 00:18:33,710
Yeah, sure.
417
00:18:33,777 --> 00:18:35,379
You guys, I can't believe
418
00:18:35,512 --> 00:18:39,149
we're in the White House.
This is soy random.
419
00:18:39,283 --> 00:18:42,152
You got to broom this girl.
You know why she's still alive?
420
00:18:42,286 --> 00:18:45,389
Because zombies eat brains,
and she ain't got any!
421
00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:46,924
All right? It doesn't matter
422
00:18:47,057 --> 00:18:49,059
because I'm hitting
the road come sunup.
423
00:18:49,193 --> 00:18:50,661
- MADISON: Columbus?
- Yes?
424
00:18:50,794 --> 00:18:52,429
Could you maybe give me a tour?
425
00:18:52,563 --> 00:18:55,899
Whoa, this is the Oval Office.
426
00:18:56,033 --> 00:18:57,701
Why do they call it that?
427
00:18:57,835 --> 00:18:59,437
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
428
00:19:00,771 --> 00:19:01,872
- You ready?
- You ready?
429
00:19:02,005 --> 00:19:03,273
- I'm ready too.
- I'm ready.
430
00:19:03,406 --> 00:19:04,406
- Great.
- Too.
431
00:19:05,576 --> 00:19:06,644
[LAUGHS]
432
00:19:06,777 --> 00:19:08,144
- Let's go.
- He's kind of funny.
433
00:19:08,279 --> 00:19:10,247
Yeah, he's great.
Try not to speak to him.
434
00:19:10,381 --> 00:19:11,449
Okay.
435
00:19:11,582 --> 00:19:13,484
COLUMBUS:
The main attraction.
436
00:19:13,617 --> 00:19:15,118
Ta-da, the Lincoln bedroom.
437
00:19:15,252 --> 00:19:17,554
Believe it or not,
Lincoln never even slept here.
438
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:20,124
I didn't actually
want a tour, silly.
439
00:19:20,257 --> 00:19:21,825
- What? Oh.
- Hi.
440
00:19:21,959 --> 00:19:23,125
Hi.
441
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,395
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
442
00:19:24,528 --> 00:19:25,679
What's the matter?
443
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:26,830
I don't know.
444
00:19:26,963 --> 00:19:28,332
Don't you think that I'm pretty?
445
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,700
Yes, you're very pretty.
446
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,568
You're like, "Girl
in Apartment 406" pretty.
447
00:19:32,703 --> 00:19:34,805
I just... I feel kind of guilty.
448
00:19:34,938 --> 00:19:37,408
Because of Jesus?
449
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,143
[WHISPERS]
I know ways around that.
450
00:19:43,347 --> 00:19:44,715
No, no. I... Please. I can't.
451
00:19:44,716 --> 00:19:46,082
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, look,
452
00:19:46,216 --> 00:19:47,984
I've been alone in a freezer
for years.
453
00:19:48,118 --> 00:19:49,820
So either we're doing
this right now,
454
00:19:49,954 --> 00:19:53,757
or I am biting the bullet,
and I am doing the old guy.
455
00:19:53,891 --> 00:19:54,891
Okay.
456
00:19:56,059 --> 00:19:58,162
God! You're so hot!
Oh my God!
457
00:19:58,295 --> 00:19:59,479
It's the humidity.
458
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,663
MADISON: Oh, yes!
459
00:20:00,797 --> 00:20:02,416
[MADISON MOANING]
460
00:20:02,417 --> 00:20:04,035
[WALLS BANGING]
461
00:20:05,335 --> 00:20:06,370
Holy...
462
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:11,108
Nutting up, definitely
not shutting up.
463
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:13,444
- MADISON: Yeah!
- [LOUD CRASHING IN THE DISTANCE]
464
00:20:14,611 --> 00:20:15,946
[♪♪♪]
465
00:20:27,257 --> 00:20:28,525
Aah! Oh, shit!
466
00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:29,793
Oh! Whoa!
467
00:20:29,927 --> 00:20:32,296
Sorry, it's Washington's
old flintlock.
468
00:20:32,429 --> 00:20:34,998
It's a gift to Eisenhower
from the emperor of Japan.
469
00:20:35,131 --> 00:20:36,200
Oh, touché.
470
00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:37,668
- I heard a strange noise.
- Yeah.
471
00:20:37,802 --> 00:20:39,803
I've been hearing
some strange noises too.
472
00:20:39,936 --> 00:20:42,039
Oh, yeah. That was us
having sex.
473
00:20:42,172 --> 00:20:44,507
Rule number one.
474
00:20:44,641 --> 00:20:47,845
Yeah, maybe rule number 32
for her.
475
00:20:47,978 --> 00:20:49,013
What? Hey.
476
00:20:50,347 --> 00:20:51,849
Okay. Ready?
477
00:20:53,283 --> 00:20:55,185
- Go!
- Okay, let's go. Come on.
478
00:20:55,318 --> 00:20:58,022
TALLAHASSEE:
Oh, fuck. Shit.
479
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:01,325
Honey, I'm home.
480
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,560
Oh, my God, you're back.
481
00:21:02,693 --> 00:21:04,761
I mean, you're back
or whatever. That's cool.
482
00:21:04,895 --> 00:21:06,763
I'm not staying.
I came to get weapons.
483
00:21:06,897 --> 00:21:07,998
At 1:00 in the morning?
484
00:21:08,132 --> 00:21:09,432
Yeah, after a month missing.
485
00:21:10,801 --> 00:21:12,703
Little Rock's gone.
486
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:14,171
[♪♪♪]
487
00:21:25,649 --> 00:21:28,885
It was great. It felt so good
to be on the move again.
488
00:21:29,019 --> 00:21:33,056
We've been having a really
good time here too. Together.
489
00:21:33,190 --> 00:21:36,692
We picked up someone new.
Just a boy.
490
00:21:36,827 --> 00:21:39,062
He's a couple years older
than Little Rock,
491
00:21:39,196 --> 00:21:40,263
and he's from Berkeley.
492
00:21:40,397 --> 00:21:42,333
- Berkeley?
- Mm-hm.
493
00:21:42,466 --> 00:21:43,767
♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
494
00:21:43,901 --> 00:21:45,735
- TALLAHASSEE: You said Berkeley?
- Yes.
495
00:21:45,869 --> 00:21:48,873
TALLAHASSEE:
Berke-fucking-ley?
496
00:21:49,006 --> 00:21:50,841
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
497
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:52,676
WICHITA: He plays the guitar.
498
00:21:52,810 --> 00:21:54,044
Shut the fuck up right now!
499
00:21:54,178 --> 00:21:55,845
I know what you're about
to tell me.
500
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:58,214
She's dating a musician!
501
00:21:58,348 --> 00:22:02,253
Come on, don't you think you're,
like, overreacting a little bit?
502
00:22:04,855 --> 00:22:07,791
Yeah. Yeah. No, I could be
overreacting.
503
00:22:07,925 --> 00:22:09,660
I'm... I'm sorry.
You're right.
504
00:22:11,061 --> 00:22:12,228
You go ahead.
505
00:22:12,362 --> 00:22:14,632
And he's a pacifist.
506
00:22:14,765 --> 00:22:17,066
He has survived
on a strict policy
507
00:22:17,201 --> 00:22:19,570
of conflict avoidance,
like Gandhi.
508
00:22:20,737 --> 00:22:23,940
No!
509
00:22:24,074 --> 00:22:25,608
No!
510
00:22:25,742 --> 00:22:29,012
Birkenstocks, sandals,
wheatgrass!
511
00:22:29,146 --> 00:22:31,247
Fucking basketballs!
512
00:22:31,381 --> 00:22:33,918
[TALLAHASSEE YELLS]
513
00:22:35,219 --> 00:22:37,086
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
514
00:22:39,857 --> 00:22:43,327
No, I really... I have
nothing against pacifists.
515
00:22:43,460 --> 00:22:47,130
I just wanna beat
the shit out of them.
516
00:22:47,264 --> 00:22:52,903
♪ This is my message to you ♪
517
00:22:54,471 --> 00:22:55,739
[APPLAUDS]
518
00:22:55,873 --> 00:23:00,277
Wow, I mean...
You have a beautiful voice.
519
00:23:00,410 --> 00:23:01,778
Thank you very much. Thank you.
520
00:23:01,779 --> 00:23:03,146
Yeah.
521
00:23:03,279 --> 00:23:07,651
Hey, have you ever heard
of this place, Graceland?
522
00:23:07,784 --> 00:23:10,854
Elvis was a fraud.
He ripped off the black man.
523
00:23:10,988 --> 00:23:15,491
Oh. I... I don't know. I've just
always wanted to go there.
524
00:23:15,626 --> 00:23:17,995
Yeah, me too. Yeah.
525
00:23:18,128 --> 00:23:20,631
Graceland would be cool.
526
00:23:20,632 --> 00:23:23,133
Yeah. Yeah, it would be.
527
00:23:23,267 --> 00:23:25,169
WICHITA:
I was adamant it was
a dumb idea,
528
00:23:25,302 --> 00:23:28,805
so I did what I never do
with her, I told her no.
529
00:23:28,939 --> 00:23:30,707
You can guess
what happened next.
530
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,476
[TIRES SQUEALING]
531
00:23:33,510 --> 00:23:35,178
[PANTING]
532
00:23:35,312 --> 00:23:39,483
She left a note,
and then she hit the road.
533
00:23:41,184 --> 00:23:42,686
[GIGGLES]
534
00:23:44,788 --> 00:23:49,692
Does anyone else
get the irony in that? Huh?
535
00:23:49,826 --> 00:23:52,329
I'm so worried, you guys.
536
00:23:52,463 --> 00:23:53,897
They're traveling all that way,
537
00:23:54,031 --> 00:23:55,799
and all they have
is a fucking guitar.
538
00:23:55,932 --> 00:23:58,535
Yeah, with no intention
of ever swinging it at anything.
539
00:23:58,669 --> 00:24:00,136
You know, because he's a hippie.
540
00:24:00,270 --> 00:24:02,006
She's supposed to be
killing the dead,
541
00:24:02,139 --> 00:24:04,074
- not following them.
- Oh, God.
542
00:24:04,207 --> 00:24:06,008
There's something going on
out there.
543
00:24:06,142 --> 00:24:07,194
What?
544
00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:08,245
Berkeley told us
545
00:24:08,379 --> 00:24:10,046
about this new kind of zombie
546
00:24:10,180 --> 00:24:12,549
that's stronger, and faster,
547
00:24:12,683 --> 00:24:16,186
and deadlier and better
adapted to the hunt.
548
00:24:16,319 --> 00:24:18,422
I'm sorry, but that
sounds totally made up.
549
00:24:18,555 --> 00:24:20,623
If you want us to come
with you, just ask us.
550
00:24:20,757 --> 00:24:23,125
Honestly, I just came back
for guns and ammunition.
551
00:24:23,259 --> 00:24:24,928
Come on. Stop begging.
We'll do it.
552
00:24:25,061 --> 00:24:26,596
You know, this is
all your fault.
553
00:24:26,730 --> 00:24:28,364
- Me?
- If you hadn't pushed her away...
554
00:24:28,498 --> 00:24:29,732
Well, not exactly, no.
555
00:24:29,867 --> 00:24:31,101
I didn't just run from him.
556
00:24:31,234 --> 00:24:32,570
She ran from you too.
557
00:24:34,237 --> 00:24:35,372
What?
558
00:24:36,740 --> 00:24:39,576
You... You mean well,
but you're...
559
00:24:39,709 --> 00:24:41,045
kind of overbearing.
560
00:24:42,245 --> 00:24:44,548
Oh, right.
I'm overbearing?
561
00:24:44,681 --> 00:24:46,082
She's not a kid anymore.
562
00:24:46,216 --> 00:24:48,051
Yeah, she's not a kid,
but I don't know,
563
00:24:48,184 --> 00:24:49,686
it sounds like she needs us.
564
00:24:49,819 --> 00:24:51,956
Whatever.
We're gonna go get her.
565
00:24:53,056 --> 00:24:55,124
We ride at dawn.
566
00:24:55,259 --> 00:24:57,728
Once she's safe,
I'm going my own way.
567
00:25:00,530 --> 00:25:03,800
So no goodbye, just like...
568
00:25:03,934 --> 00:25:05,803
- Yeah, I'm terrible at notes.
- A lame note.
569
00:25:05,936 --> 00:25:08,572
Yeah, I know. You mentioned
that in the note.
570
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,142
Uh, I, uh...
571
00:25:13,643 --> 00:25:16,846
I might have overreacted
a little bit.
572
00:25:16,981 --> 00:25:18,982
I mean, the proposal
kind of spooked me.
573
00:25:19,115 --> 00:25:20,417
Mm-hm.
574
00:25:20,550 --> 00:25:22,353
You know what I'm trying to say.
575
00:25:24,054 --> 00:25:25,787
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
576
00:25:25,922 --> 00:25:27,856
You know how hard it is
for me to say that
577
00:25:27,991 --> 00:25:30,194
because I hate women
who are always apologizing
578
00:25:30,327 --> 00:25:32,596
for things they have
no reason to apologize for.
579
00:25:32,729 --> 00:25:37,668
But in this particular instance,
I actually am really sorry.
580
00:25:39,769 --> 00:25:42,772
Well, thank you.
That actually does mean a lot.
581
00:25:42,906 --> 00:25:45,008
I don't know.
Maybe this could be like a...
582
00:25:45,142 --> 00:25:46,744
Like a turning point for us.
583
00:25:47,811 --> 00:25:49,613
Yeah, maybe.
584
00:25:49,746 --> 00:25:52,483
Columbus,
you coming back to bed?
585
00:25:52,616 --> 00:25:54,485
[♪♪♪]
586
00:25:57,821 --> 00:25:58,822
Wow.
587
00:25:58,956 --> 00:26:00,991
Oh... Oh, boy.
588
00:26:01,124 --> 00:26:02,860
I mean, wow!
589
00:26:05,428 --> 00:26:09,867
[SCOFFS]
Glad we had this little talk.
Real turning point.
590
00:26:11,835 --> 00:26:12,903
Hi.
591
00:26:15,639 --> 00:26:16,991
Is that your sister?
592
00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:18,342
Oh, fuck.
593
00:26:19,376 --> 00:26:20,811
[SIGHS]
594
00:26:22,846 --> 00:26:24,414
You definitely
don't need any help.
595
00:26:24,548 --> 00:26:25,582
- No, I've got it.
- Cool.
596
00:26:25,715 --> 00:26:27,050
The Beast is back.
597
00:26:27,184 --> 00:26:30,654
I cannot wait to get my hands
behind the...
598
00:26:30,787 --> 00:26:34,391
What the fuck?
599
00:26:34,524 --> 00:26:37,360
No, no, no, no, no.
600
00:26:37,494 --> 00:26:41,899
No way is that GD minivan
even sniffing at Graceland,
601
00:26:42,032 --> 00:26:45,502
home to perhaps
America's finest automobile,
602
00:26:45,635 --> 00:26:49,139
Elvis' 1955 Fleetwood Series 60.
603
00:26:49,273 --> 00:26:53,843
No. You know, it takes a real
man to drive a pink Cadillac.
604
00:26:53,977 --> 00:26:55,045
[SIGHS]
605
00:26:55,178 --> 00:26:58,148
Might make that
a rule of my own.
606
00:26:58,282 --> 00:26:59,650
On second thought, fuck that,
607
00:26:59,783 --> 00:27:01,685
rules are for pussies.
Nothing personal.
608
00:27:01,818 --> 00:27:03,687
How could it not be?
That's my thing.
609
00:27:03,821 --> 00:27:05,421
Yeah, you're right.
It was personal.
610
00:27:05,555 --> 00:27:07,023
Yeah. It's gonna be okay.
611
00:27:07,157 --> 00:27:08,658
COLUMBUS:
Even Tallahassee knows
612
00:27:08,792 --> 00:27:10,093
beggars can't be choosers.
613
00:27:10,226 --> 00:27:12,162
Vehicles with working batteries
and parts
614
00:27:12,296 --> 00:27:13,931
are way scarcer nowadays,
615
00:27:14,064 --> 00:27:16,431
thanks to years
of neglect and decline.
616
00:27:16,566 --> 00:27:17,601
Breakaway mirror.
617
00:27:17,734 --> 00:27:19,436
We can't be so picky anymore.
618
00:27:19,569 --> 00:27:20,604
Clear.
619
00:27:20,605 --> 00:27:21,638
What? Oh, okay.
620
00:27:21,771 --> 00:27:23,573
- Booyah.
- Okay.
621
00:27:23,706 --> 00:27:25,142
Heh!
622
00:27:28,412 --> 00:27:29,563
This never happened.
623
00:27:29,564 --> 00:27:30,713
COLUMBUS: I'll get the door.
624
00:27:30,847 --> 00:27:33,083
WICHITA:
I got it.
I'm gonna lay in the back.
625
00:27:34,451 --> 00:27:36,219
- Oh, catch.
- Oh!
626
00:27:36,352 --> 00:27:38,955
Shoot. Heh, I got it!
627
00:27:39,088 --> 00:27:42,458
What in the butt?
628
00:27:42,592 --> 00:27:44,294
- Ah, shit.
- What?
629
00:27:44,428 --> 00:27:45,562
- MADISON: Hi!
- Hi.
630
00:27:45,695 --> 00:27:47,196
[CHUCKLES]
631
00:27:47,330 --> 00:27:48,765
Are we dropping her off
632
00:27:48,899 --> 00:27:50,467
at an animal shelter
or something?
633
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:51,768
She's a human being.
634
00:27:51,901 --> 00:27:53,769
We're not gonna
leave her here alone.
635
00:27:53,903 --> 00:27:56,706
[IMITATES MADISON]
We can't just leave
Columbus' girlfriend.
636
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,141
Okay.
637
00:27:58,274 --> 00:27:59,443
A minivan. Nice.
638
00:27:59,576 --> 00:28:00,777
I'm not gonna feel guilty.
639
00:28:00,910 --> 00:28:02,379
You left me in the harshest way.
640
00:28:02,512 --> 00:28:03,690
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You recovered quickly.
641
00:28:03,714 --> 00:28:05,581
- Well, thank you.
- Can you help me?
642
00:28:05,715 --> 00:28:07,083
- I got it.
- Okay.
643
00:28:07,217 --> 00:28:08,785
- It's just, like, heavy.
- No problem.
644
00:28:08,918 --> 00:28:10,554
- Thank you.
- Go ahead, get in.
645
00:28:10,687 --> 00:28:12,823
Okay. You are so nice.
646
00:28:20,931 --> 00:28:24,800
Ah, Makkapitew, Askuwheteau,
Sunukkuhkau...
647
00:28:24,935 --> 00:28:26,336
Is he having a seizure?
648
00:28:26,469 --> 00:28:28,805
I'm trying out Blackfoot names,
649
00:28:28,938 --> 00:28:31,541
so full shushy or you
go back in your mall fridge.
650
00:28:31,675 --> 00:28:32,976
Okay.
651
00:28:33,110 --> 00:28:35,879
Oh, I didn't tell you.
We met at the mall.
652
00:28:36,012 --> 00:28:37,581
Mm.
653
00:28:37,582 --> 00:28:39,149
Yeah. I was living there.
654
00:28:39,282 --> 00:28:41,051
Like Dawn of the Dead.
655
00:28:41,185 --> 00:28:44,521
Last I checked,
it's the post-acropolis.
656
00:28:44,654 --> 00:28:48,458
It was so sad when
the acropolis struck.
657
00:28:48,591 --> 00:28:49,993
Yeah, I know.
658
00:28:50,127 --> 00:28:52,362
Madison, can you remind me,
when we first met,
659
00:28:52,495 --> 00:28:54,497
did you point a gun at me
and steal my car?
660
00:28:54,630 --> 00:28:57,133
No. When we first met,
661
00:28:57,267 --> 00:28:59,469
I told you
you were really smart.
662
00:28:59,603 --> 00:29:01,388
Oh, yeah.
663
00:29:01,389 --> 00:29:03,172
And then I slept with you.
664
00:29:03,306 --> 00:29:04,641
That's right. You did.
665
00:29:04,774 --> 00:29:05,774
[ENGINE STARTS]
666
00:29:05,842 --> 00:29:07,177
[LAUGHS]
667
00:29:07,310 --> 00:29:10,113
MADISON:
Road trip! Here we go!
668
00:29:10,246 --> 00:29:12,349
TALLAHASSEE:
This is gonna be a long drive.
669
00:29:12,482 --> 00:29:14,351
[♪♪♪]
670
00:29:15,652 --> 00:29:17,688
[GUNFIRE]
671
00:29:21,524 --> 00:29:24,327
I love the smell of
gunpowder in the morning.
672
00:29:24,461 --> 00:29:26,930
Eh, I'm more of
a patchouli oil guy myself.
673
00:29:28,298 --> 00:29:32,168
You don't...
You don't have weed, do you?
674
00:29:32,302 --> 00:29:35,505
I've always wanted to smoke
way too much weed.
675
00:29:35,639 --> 00:29:37,107
Do I look like
the type of person
676
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,342
that would have weed on me?
677
00:29:39,476 --> 00:29:42,212
Oh, no. I w... That...
I'm sorry, that was...
678
00:29:42,345 --> 00:29:43,463
Boom, yeah.
679
00:29:43,464 --> 00:29:44,581
Ha! Oh.
680
00:29:44,714 --> 00:29:47,050
- Of course I do. Oh, I love weed.
- You got me there.
681
00:29:47,184 --> 00:29:48,485
Look. I mean, look at me.
682
00:29:48,486 --> 00:29:49,786
Yeah.
683
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:54,991
I wanted to say it's really nice
to have another woman around.
684
00:29:56,693 --> 00:29:57,728
Yeah.
685
00:29:57,861 --> 00:30:00,897
Like to talk
about relationships.
686
00:30:01,030 --> 00:30:02,132
Recipes.
687
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,233
Rings.
688
00:30:04,333 --> 00:30:06,436
Oh, my God.
689
00:30:06,570 --> 00:30:08,171
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.
690
00:30:09,672 --> 00:30:12,409
I know! I found it
in the bedside drawer.
691
00:30:12,542 --> 00:30:14,744
I think it belonged
to the first lady or...
692
00:30:14,877 --> 00:30:16,513
You know what?
I think you're right.
693
00:30:16,647 --> 00:30:19,382
It did belong to the first lady.
694
00:30:19,515 --> 00:30:21,883
Well, I think it was given
to the first lady,
695
00:30:22,018 --> 00:30:23,585
but she heartlessly rejected it.
696
00:30:23,719 --> 00:30:27,789
What kind of idiot would
turn down a ring like this?
697
00:30:27,924 --> 00:30:31,962
Maybe an idiot who didn't
wanna be weighed down.
698
00:30:32,095 --> 00:30:34,331
Anchored. Chained
to something immobile.
699
00:30:34,464 --> 00:30:35,464
Hmm...
700
00:30:35,565 --> 00:30:36,900
- [HORN HONKS]
- [MADISON YELPS]
701
00:30:37,033 --> 00:30:38,401
[BRAKES SCREECH]
702
00:30:38,535 --> 00:30:40,153
Oh, shit. Are you okay?
703
00:30:40,154 --> 00:30:41,771
Oh, shoot!
704
00:30:41,905 --> 00:30:43,439
Forgot the seatbelt rule.
705
00:30:43,573 --> 00:30:45,775
So she knows the rules?
706
00:30:45,909 --> 00:30:47,576
Yeah, I told her
just a few of them.
707
00:30:47,710 --> 00:30:49,512
Seventy-three. Are there more?
708
00:30:49,513 --> 00:30:51,314
Nope, that's it.
709
00:30:51,448 --> 00:30:52,449
I gotta check this out.
710
00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:53,450
You guys have spent
711
00:30:53,583 --> 00:30:55,051
a lot of time together, huh?
712
00:30:55,185 --> 00:30:56,619
That's sweet.
713
00:30:56,753 --> 00:30:59,489
You're cute together.
I like it.
714
00:30:59,623 --> 00:31:01,324
[MOCKINGLY]
Oh!
715
00:31:01,457 --> 00:31:03,260
[♪♪♪]
716
00:31:09,365 --> 00:31:10,634
This looks promising.
717
00:31:17,974 --> 00:31:20,477
He's so flexible.
718
00:31:20,610 --> 00:31:22,945
That's what's so great
about him. He's very bendy.
719
00:31:23,079 --> 00:31:25,315
Ohio, whenever
you're done with that...
720
00:31:25,448 --> 00:31:26,550
What? Yeah.
721
00:31:29,319 --> 00:31:30,620
Ah!
722
00:31:30,754 --> 00:31:32,154
COLUMBUS:
What? No. No, no, no.
723
00:31:32,288 --> 00:31:33,522
No way. Nonstarter.
724
00:31:33,656 --> 00:31:35,558
You know how I feel
about clowns.
725
00:31:35,691 --> 00:31:37,460
- No, not that.
- What?
726
00:31:37,594 --> 00:31:38,778
TALLAHASSEE: That.
727
00:31:38,779 --> 00:31:39,962
COLUMBUS: Oh.
728
00:31:41,932 --> 00:31:42,967
Looks good.
729
00:31:42,968 --> 00:31:44,001
Mm.
730
00:31:45,168 --> 00:31:46,737
- MADISON: Can I see?
- Hm?
731
00:31:46,870 --> 00:31:48,070
Can I see?
732
00:31:48,204 --> 00:31:51,140
Yeah. Here you go. Yeah.
733
00:31:51,274 --> 00:31:52,576
[GASPS]
734
00:31:54,310 --> 00:31:56,312
The old man is so tiny.
735
00:31:56,313 --> 00:31:58,314
Can you see that?
736
00:31:58,448 --> 00:31:59,682
[MADISON GIGGLES]
737
00:31:59,816 --> 00:32:01,817
What's-his-name, you're so tiny.
738
00:32:01,952 --> 00:32:03,186
Now you're not.
Now you are.
739
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:04,621
Now you're not. Now you are.
740
00:32:04,754 --> 00:32:06,790
Now you're not. Now you are.
Now you're not.
741
00:32:06,923 --> 00:32:08,691
Tiny. Big. Tiny!
742
00:32:08,824 --> 00:32:10,443
She is adorable.
743
00:32:10,444 --> 00:32:12,061
She is. I'm lucky.
744
00:32:12,194 --> 00:32:13,963
Tiny. Big. Tiny.
745
00:32:14,097 --> 00:32:15,665
[CROWS CAWING]
746
00:32:15,799 --> 00:32:17,400
COLUMBUS:
You're overreacting, okay?
747
00:32:17,534 --> 00:32:18,968
Madison's not a real thing.
748
00:32:19,102 --> 00:32:21,737
It was just circumstance.
It was a lack of options.
749
00:32:21,871 --> 00:32:23,640
You could say
the same thing about us.
750
00:32:23,774 --> 00:32:25,041
What?
751
00:32:25,042 --> 00:32:26,308
Circumstance, lack of options.
752
00:32:26,442 --> 00:32:27,844
Really? You really think that?
753
00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:29,679
Whereas you two seem
like soul mates.
754
00:32:29,813 --> 00:32:31,448
Destined to share deep thoughts.
755
00:32:31,581 --> 00:32:33,783
Maybe you're right,
maybe we are soul mates.
756
00:32:33,917 --> 00:32:36,452
Because she's nice, all right?
And I'm nice.
757
00:32:36,586 --> 00:32:38,087
And you're not.
You're mean.
758
00:32:38,221 --> 00:32:39,656
Whatever. I'm not mean.
759
00:32:39,657 --> 00:32:41,090
Yeah, you're kind of mean.
760
00:32:41,224 --> 00:32:43,359
Well, my sister is missing.
She could be dead.
761
00:32:43,492 --> 00:32:45,395
You're screwing
some Forever 21-year-old.
762
00:32:45,528 --> 00:32:47,130
So if I wanna be mean,
I'll be mean.
763
00:32:47,263 --> 00:32:48,798
I don't have the right shoes.
764
00:32:48,932 --> 00:32:51,534
Oh, you could borrow
a pair of my strappy sandals.
765
00:32:51,667 --> 00:32:52,736
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
766
00:32:54,671 --> 00:32:58,173
Kidding. You... She was ki...
You guys are all very sarcastic.
767
00:32:58,307 --> 00:33:01,344
Yeah, they're not nice people.
Sorry. Just try to ignore them.
768
00:33:01,477 --> 00:33:02,879
Yeah. Yeah. Ignore us.
769
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:04,281
Please, God, ignore us.
770
00:33:04,414 --> 00:33:05,949
Ah, see? Mean.
771
00:33:07,050 --> 00:33:08,685
[♪♪♪]
772
00:33:08,818 --> 00:33:10,854
All right!
773
00:33:10,987 --> 00:33:12,521
This is what I'm talking about.
774
00:33:12,655 --> 00:33:14,924
We're finally gonna be
riding in style.
775
00:33:15,058 --> 00:33:18,428
I partied with 3 Doors Down
in one of these. It was so...
776
00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:20,363
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]
- COLUMBUS: Oh, shit.
777
00:33:20,496 --> 00:33:22,599
[GROANING]
778
00:33:22,732 --> 00:33:24,034
[GROWLING]
779
00:33:25,167 --> 00:33:26,167
MADISON:
What?
780
00:33:26,268 --> 00:33:27,303
[ALARM SHUTS OFF]
781
00:33:27,437 --> 00:33:28,904
Man, we're getting good at this.
782
00:33:29,038 --> 00:33:30,941
- TALLAHASSEE: Columbus.
- Tallahassee.
783
00:33:31,074 --> 00:33:32,441
- The hood is 12 o'clock.
- Yes.
784
00:33:32,576 --> 00:33:34,478
Trunk is 6. You're our eyes.
785
00:33:35,979 --> 00:33:37,846
Hey, don't worry, you guys.
786
00:33:37,980 --> 00:33:40,950
They are much more afraid of us
than we are of them.
787
00:33:41,083 --> 00:33:43,686
God, that is not even
remotely true.
788
00:33:43,819 --> 00:33:45,071
Well, what do I do?
789
00:33:45,072 --> 00:33:46,322
You know how cheerleaders
790
00:33:46,456 --> 00:33:47,757
- form a pyramid?
- Yeah.
791
00:33:47,891 --> 00:33:49,191
And the three on the bottom
792
00:33:49,326 --> 00:33:51,094
- anchor the pyramid?
- Oh, yeah.
793
00:33:51,227 --> 00:33:54,096
I don't give a shit what you do,
just stay out of my way.
794
00:33:54,230 --> 00:33:56,499
Okay, 8 o'clock. Eight o'clock.
795
00:33:56,632 --> 00:33:59,802
Did you say the front was 12?
Oh, fuck me. Sorry. Two o'clock.
796
00:33:59,936 --> 00:34:02,772
Eleven! Eleven! Seven-thirty!
797
00:34:02,905 --> 00:34:04,908
Six o'clock. Six!
798
00:34:05,041 --> 00:34:06,742
I'll get 6.
799
00:34:06,876 --> 00:34:07,876
[GROANS]
800
00:34:07,977 --> 00:34:09,178
Uh, shit. One-fifteen.
801
00:34:09,312 --> 00:34:10,180
One-thirteen, 1:20.
802
00:34:10,313 --> 00:34:11,580
It's moving that way.
803
00:34:11,714 --> 00:34:13,349
Why is everyone
shouting numbers?
804
00:34:13,482 --> 00:34:14,783
Eleven!
805
00:34:14,917 --> 00:34:15,951
- MADISON: Twelve!
- Six!
806
00:34:17,654 --> 00:34:19,155
COLUMBUS:
Two o'clock!
807
00:34:19,288 --> 00:34:20,288
Eight.
808
00:34:21,658 --> 00:34:23,627
- Six o'clock.
- Shit.
809
00:34:27,130 --> 00:34:28,698
One o'clock. Six-thirty.
810
00:34:30,833 --> 00:34:32,402
Ten! Eight!
811
00:34:32,535 --> 00:34:33,535
[GUN CLICKS]
812
00:34:33,603 --> 00:34:34,638
- Eight!
- Shit.
813
00:34:34,770 --> 00:34:35,770
[ROARING]
814
00:34:35,837 --> 00:34:36,837
Shit!
815
00:34:36,939 --> 00:34:38,207
[MADISON SCREAMS]
816
00:34:40,677 --> 00:34:42,512
[SCREAMS]
817
00:34:42,645 --> 00:34:43,930
Narsty!
818
00:34:43,931 --> 00:34:45,215
Thank you.
819
00:34:45,348 --> 00:34:46,215
You're welcome.
820
00:34:46,348 --> 00:34:48,151
One o'clock! Two-thirty.
821
00:34:48,284 --> 00:34:49,386
Three! One!
822
00:34:51,187 --> 00:34:52,489
Okay. I'll get 3.
823
00:34:54,290 --> 00:34:55,357
Right on time, Columbus.
824
00:34:55,491 --> 00:34:57,226
[BLOWS]
825
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,427
One o'clock! Ten-thirty!
826
00:34:58,561 --> 00:34:59,561
[GROWLS]
827
00:35:01,630 --> 00:35:02,865
Eleven! Eleven!
828
00:35:02,999 --> 00:35:04,567
Actually, it's a Homer.
829
00:35:04,701 --> 00:35:07,503
Abort! Abort 11.
Don't waste a bullet.
830
00:35:07,637 --> 00:35:09,088
Hawking! Hawking!
831
00:35:09,089 --> 00:35:10,539
What? Oh, shit!
832
00:35:10,673 --> 00:35:12,075
[ROARS]
833
00:35:15,778 --> 00:35:16,846
[GIGGLES]
834
00:35:16,980 --> 00:35:18,147
Yay!
835
00:35:18,281 --> 00:35:19,515
[GROWLS]
836
00:35:19,649 --> 00:35:21,751
- Aah, he's trying to bite me!
- Ninja! Ninja!
837
00:35:21,884 --> 00:35:23,153
Oh, my God!
838
00:35:24,854 --> 00:35:26,888
You saved me.
839
00:35:27,023 --> 00:35:28,325
All right. Settle down.
840
00:35:30,026 --> 00:35:31,861
[GRUNTING]
841
00:35:31,994 --> 00:35:33,779
Hey, Tal, 1 o'clock.
842
00:35:33,780 --> 00:35:35,564
Pardon me, Pop-Tart.
843
00:35:35,698 --> 00:35:37,267
Not quite done yet.
844
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,236
[♪♪♪]
845
00:35:46,675 --> 00:35:47,877
TALLAHASSEE:
What the fuck?
846
00:35:48,011 --> 00:35:49,011
[ROARS]
847
00:35:52,549 --> 00:35:54,384
Try to dodge me, motherfucker.
848
00:35:56,252 --> 00:35:59,889
COLUMBUS:
This was our first T-800,
849
00:36:00,022 --> 00:36:02,291
named for the Terminator
it-fucking-self.
850
00:36:02,425 --> 00:36:03,426
Uh...
851
00:36:03,559 --> 00:36:05,361
- Tal?
- Yup?
852
00:36:05,494 --> 00:36:06,963
[ZOMBIE GROANING]
853
00:36:09,599 --> 00:36:12,434
COLUMBUS:
T-800s were a mutated
strain of zombie,
854
00:36:12,568 --> 00:36:15,705
stronger, deadlier
and harder to kill.
855
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,277
One plus one
is still two, right?
856
00:36:26,883 --> 00:36:31,120
COLUMBUS:
They were the apex predator,
top of the food chain.
857
00:36:31,254 --> 00:36:33,957
Single-minded and relentless
like their namesake,
858
00:36:34,090 --> 00:36:35,724
once they locked on to a target,
859
00:36:35,858 --> 00:36:38,461
T-800s stopped at nothing
to devour their prey.
860
00:36:39,562 --> 00:36:41,765
What the ever-loving fuck?
861
00:36:53,976 --> 00:36:55,378
Ew.
862
00:36:55,511 --> 00:36:57,480
COLUMBUS:
Seeing that T-800 firsthand
863
00:36:57,614 --> 00:36:59,015
was all the more worrisome
864
00:36:59,148 --> 00:37:00,983
knowing that Little Rock
was out there
865
00:37:01,116 --> 00:37:03,320
with nothing but a hippie
and a guitar.
866
00:37:04,487 --> 00:37:09,326
♪ Like a rollin' stone ♪
867
00:37:11,294 --> 00:37:14,530
Okay.
That song is amazing.
868
00:37:14,664 --> 00:37:15,665
Did you write that?
869
00:37:15,798 --> 00:37:16,966
[CHUCKLES]
870
00:37:18,234 --> 00:37:19,802
Wa... Was that a dumb question?
871
00:37:19,935 --> 00:37:22,172
Sorry, I was like 11
when the zombies took over.
872
00:37:22,305 --> 00:37:23,439
Not a dumb question.
873
00:37:23,573 --> 00:37:25,007
I was laughing because you think
874
00:37:25,141 --> 00:37:26,609
I'd play some stupid cover song.
875
00:37:26,742 --> 00:37:27,810
Of course I wrote it.
876
00:37:27,944 --> 00:37:29,012
If you love that,
877
00:37:29,145 --> 00:37:30,980
then you're really
gonna love this.
878
00:37:31,114 --> 00:37:34,817
But it's a work in progress,
so be gentle.
879
00:37:34,950 --> 00:37:36,152
[STRUMS GUITAR]
880
00:37:36,286 --> 00:37:41,024
♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪
881
00:37:43,559 --> 00:37:47,731
♪ Would you still remember me? ♪
882
00:37:50,633 --> 00:37:54,003
[LYNYRD SKYNYRD PLAYING]:
♪ I must be traveling
Onward... ♪
883
00:37:54,137 --> 00:37:55,838
A poem by Tallahassee.
884
00:37:55,839 --> 00:37:57,539
Ah!
885
00:37:57,673 --> 00:38:03,879
Traveling to Graceland
In comfort and class
886
00:38:04,013 --> 00:38:08,283
That Pontiac Trans Sport
Can kiss my ass
887
00:38:08,417 --> 00:38:10,186
- [ALL LAUGH]
- [EXCLAIMS]
888
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,255
Very good! Very good.
889
00:38:12,256 --> 00:38:14,189
Here we go, baby! Woo-hoo!
890
00:38:14,323 --> 00:38:17,359
Let's go see the King
and let's go get Little Rock!
891
00:38:17,493 --> 00:38:18,861
[MADISON WHOOPS]
892
00:38:18,995 --> 00:38:20,697
[TALLAHASSEE WHOOPS]
893
00:38:23,132 --> 00:38:24,600
♪ 'Cause I'm as free... ♪
894
00:38:24,734 --> 00:38:25,735
[MADISON SCREAMS]
895
00:38:25,736 --> 00:38:26,736
[TIRE HISSING]
896
00:38:28,705 --> 00:38:30,073
Did... Did we just get...
897
00:38:30,074 --> 00:38:31,441
Shorter?
898
00:38:33,576 --> 00:38:35,011
I say we take the clown car.
899
00:38:36,346 --> 00:38:38,113
No, no, no. No!
That is a deal-breaker.
900
00:38:38,247 --> 00:38:39,916
No fucking clowns!
901
00:38:43,586 --> 00:38:44,654
[♪♪♪]
902
00:38:47,123 --> 00:38:51,227
In moments of great dishonor
such as this,
903
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:56,065
ancient samurai warriors
were required to commit seppuku,
904
00:38:56,198 --> 00:39:01,104
or ritual suicide
by disembowelment.
905
00:39:05,975 --> 00:39:07,343
MADISON:
My mom had this car.
906
00:39:07,477 --> 00:39:08,545
WICHITA: So did mine.
907
00:39:08,546 --> 00:39:09,612
COLUMBUS: So did mine.
908
00:39:09,745 --> 00:39:10,747
[MADISON GIGGLES]
909
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:12,015
[KEY CLICKS]
910
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:13,149
[ENGINE STARTS]
911
00:39:13,282 --> 00:39:15,117
TALLAHASSEE:
Fucking minivan.
912
00:39:15,250 --> 00:39:17,453
MADISON:
Back on the road, yay!
913
00:39:17,586 --> 00:39:18,655
[MADISON GIGGLES]
914
00:39:27,864 --> 00:39:30,066
I've always wanted
to start a business
915
00:39:30,199 --> 00:39:33,736
where strangers drive strangers
around in their car
916
00:39:33,869 --> 00:39:35,805
- for money.
- Mm.
917
00:39:35,938 --> 00:39:38,941
MADISON:
Let's say you were really drunk
and needed a ride home.
918
00:39:39,074 --> 00:39:40,443
You'd just get online
919
00:39:40,577 --> 00:39:42,410
and hop right in
with a stranger.
920
00:39:42,545 --> 00:39:45,047
And they'd take you
anywhere you wanna go.
921
00:39:45,180 --> 00:39:46,398
Oh, yeah. Who then kills you.
922
00:39:46,399 --> 00:39:47,616
Yeah. Ha, ha!
923
00:39:47,750 --> 00:39:50,386
They'd have gum
or, like, lollipops.
924
00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:52,154
That was what my parents
taught me.
925
00:39:52,288 --> 00:39:55,858
They were like, "If a stranger
offers you candy or gum,
926
00:39:55,991 --> 00:39:57,326
get in their car."
Great idea.
927
00:39:57,460 --> 00:39:59,028
MADISON:
If they try to murder you,
928
00:39:59,162 --> 00:40:01,163
you can have a system
so you can rate them.
929
00:40:01,297 --> 00:40:03,866
If they try to murder you,
like, "You get zero points."
930
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:07,337
But if they don't try to murder
you, "You get five points."
931
00:40:07,470 --> 00:40:09,805
Madison, I think it is
a very good idea.
932
00:40:09,939 --> 00:40:12,341
That's... No, I cannot
see that going wrong.
933
00:40:12,475 --> 00:40:15,377
All I'm saying is the
taxi industry was very flawed.
934
00:40:15,511 --> 00:40:16,679
[BURPS]
935
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:19,582
Mm, oop...
936
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:20,683
Are you okay?
937
00:40:20,817 --> 00:40:23,452
I think I'm, like, hot.
I'm hot.
938
00:40:23,585 --> 00:40:24,987
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
939
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,356
I'm used to being in
the freezer all the time.
940
00:40:27,489 --> 00:40:28,857
Get this off.
941
00:40:28,858 --> 00:40:30,225
Yeah. Sure. That makes sense.
942
00:40:30,359 --> 00:40:32,729
[STOMACH RUMBLES,
PASSES GAS, BURPS]
943
00:40:36,131 --> 00:40:39,502
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
I feel funny. My tongue...
944
00:40:39,636 --> 00:40:41,471
[SLURRING]
My tongue... My tongue...
945
00:40:41,604 --> 00:40:43,172
Boss?
You're gonna wanna pull over.
946
00:40:43,305 --> 00:40:44,306
[YELLING INCOHERENTLY]
947
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:45,640
- TALLAHASSEE: No.
- Pull over.
948
00:40:45,741 --> 00:40:47,009
We're making good progress.
949
00:40:47,142 --> 00:40:48,010
- Ugh!
- Pull over!
950
00:40:48,144 --> 00:40:49,678
- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.
951
00:40:49,812 --> 00:40:51,080
[GROANING]
952
00:40:52,715 --> 00:40:54,017
[♪♪♪]
953
00:40:55,685 --> 00:40:57,387
[GROANS]
954
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:58,521
- Oh.
- Oh.
955
00:40:58,654 --> 00:40:59,654
Chunkage.
956
00:40:59,689 --> 00:41:01,457
Maybe she'll pull through.
957
00:41:01,590 --> 00:41:04,093
What? You are the one
who says "don't take chances."
958
00:41:04,226 --> 00:41:06,262
[RETCHING LOUDLY]
959
00:41:06,395 --> 00:41:09,399
So who wants do the honors?
960
00:41:10,733 --> 00:41:13,303
I mean, personally,
I wouldn't mind,
961
00:41:13,436 --> 00:41:16,671
but I don't want
you guys calling me selfish.
962
00:41:16,806 --> 00:41:19,876
Hey, come on. She is a living,
thinking being. Okay?
963
00:41:20,009 --> 00:41:21,410
She's a living being.
964
00:41:21,543 --> 00:41:25,948
Look, I know you guys
are in love or whatever,
965
00:41:26,081 --> 00:41:28,384
but in two minutes,
she's gonna become a:
966
00:41:28,517 --> 00:41:30,285
[GROWLS, HISSES]
967
00:41:30,419 --> 00:41:34,624
A zombie, not a velociraptor.
And it's the right thing to do.
968
00:41:34,757 --> 00:41:38,127
If you love something,
you shoot it in the face
969
00:41:38,261 --> 00:41:40,863
so it doesn't become
a flesh-eating monster.
970
00:41:40,997 --> 00:41:42,298
I know.
971
00:41:42,431 --> 00:41:44,366
TALLAHASSEE:
She's making a good point.
972
00:41:44,500 --> 00:41:50,639
Maybe it's time for you to be
the Brave Little Toaster.
973
00:41:50,773 --> 00:41:53,343
[RETCHES, GROANING]
974
00:41:55,645 --> 00:41:57,780
COLUMBUS:
They say when
something bad happens,
975
00:41:57,914 --> 00:41:59,515
you have three choices:
976
00:41:59,649 --> 00:42:03,119
Let it define you, destroy you,
or strengthen you.
977
00:42:05,254 --> 00:42:06,656
[COCKS GUN]
978
00:42:06,789 --> 00:42:08,992
Time to teach Lennie
about the rabbits.
979
00:42:11,460 --> 00:42:13,596
[RETCHES, GROANING]
980
00:42:13,729 --> 00:42:15,698
No! Don't come with me!
Don't come with me!
981
00:42:15,831 --> 00:42:17,500
COLUMBUS:
Madison, Madison, please.
982
00:42:17,633 --> 00:42:19,835
- Madison, please. Please, please.
- Don't hurt me!
983
00:42:19,969 --> 00:42:21,337
- No, no, no!
- Wait. Listen to me!
984
00:42:21,471 --> 00:42:22,591
- Please. Wait.
- No, no, no!
985
00:42:22,705 --> 00:42:23,723
Madison, just wait.
986
00:42:23,724 --> 00:42:24,740
I'm a monster.
987
00:42:24,873 --> 00:42:26,509
- I'm a monster.
- Please, please.
988
00:42:26,642 --> 00:42:29,145
Listen. I realize we don't
know each other that well.
989
00:42:29,278 --> 00:42:31,648
I mean, well, we do
in the biblical sense, yes.
990
00:42:31,781 --> 00:42:33,816
But I think you're
a really great person.
991
00:42:35,484 --> 00:42:36,685
[GROANS]
992
00:42:36,819 --> 00:42:37,920
Well, not now.
993
00:42:38,053 --> 00:42:40,189
[SCREAMING]
994
00:42:40,322 --> 00:42:42,124
I'm sorry.
995
00:42:42,257 --> 00:42:45,962
[SHOTGUN FIRES TWICE]
996
00:42:46,095 --> 00:42:47,997
[♪♪♪]
997
00:42:55,104 --> 00:42:57,173
Thanks.
998
00:42:57,306 --> 00:42:59,007
Can we just, uh...
999
00:42:59,141 --> 00:43:01,043
I'm so sorry.
1000
00:43:01,176 --> 00:43:03,312
All right. Just...
Come on, come on, let's go.
1001
00:43:03,445 --> 00:43:04,445
[ENGINE STARTS]
1002
00:43:14,356 --> 00:43:16,224
I'm not gonna lie and say
1003
00:43:16,358 --> 00:43:19,062
that I'm broken up
about it, but, um...
1004
00:43:20,663 --> 00:43:21,664
I am sorry.
1005
00:43:21,665 --> 00:43:22,665
Yeah.
1006
00:43:22,799 --> 00:43:24,733
- She didn't deserve that.
- Thanks, man.
1007
00:43:24,866 --> 00:43:29,572
He's right. That's a terrible
way to go, even for...
1008
00:43:30,806 --> 00:43:31,857
It's...
1009
00:43:31,858 --> 00:43:32,908
Oh, come on. It's Madison.
1010
00:43:33,041 --> 00:43:34,243
- You know that.
- Madison!
1011
00:43:34,377 --> 00:43:36,312
You know that, okay?
Her name is Madison.
1012
00:43:36,445 --> 00:43:39,548
Or her name was Madison.
And she was a real person, okay?
1013
00:43:39,682 --> 00:43:41,684
She had, you know,
complex feelings
1014
00:43:41,817 --> 00:43:43,485
and emotions and interests.
1015
00:43:43,619 --> 00:43:48,590
She liked dolphins and rainbows,
you know? And double rainbows.
1016
00:43:48,724 --> 00:43:50,026
I'm agreeing. It's sad.
1017
00:43:50,027 --> 00:43:51,327
Okay.
1018
00:43:51,461 --> 00:43:53,062
That is obviously not
what I wanted.
1019
00:43:53,195 --> 00:43:54,479
What is it that you do want?
1020
00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:55,763
I wanna find my sister.
1021
00:43:55,898 --> 00:43:56,932
Me too.
1022
00:43:57,066 --> 00:43:58,634
- Good.
- Good.
1023
00:43:58,767 --> 00:43:59,935
Good. Great. Awesome.
1024
00:43:59,936 --> 00:44:01,102
Great, in fact. Great.
1025
00:44:01,236 --> 00:44:02,972
This is gonna be a long drive.
1026
00:44:03,105 --> 00:44:04,607
[♪♪♪]
1027
00:44:14,283 --> 00:44:15,718
WICHITA:
This is it.
1028
00:44:15,851 --> 00:44:18,921
Hey, little buddy,
don't be cruel to me
1029
00:44:19,054 --> 00:44:21,257
for waking you up,
but we're here.
1030
00:44:22,391 --> 00:44:25,094
Oh. Oh, my God.
1031
00:44:25,227 --> 00:44:26,528
Oh, my God.
1032
00:44:26,662 --> 00:44:28,864
[LAUGHS]
1033
00:44:28,998 --> 00:44:31,367
Every choice I've ever
made in my life
1034
00:44:31,500 --> 00:44:34,303
has been leading me
to this moment right here,
1035
00:44:34,436 --> 00:44:37,273
right now,
3764 Elvis Presley Boulevard.
1036
00:44:37,406 --> 00:44:40,743
I feel like a 1954 teenybopper.
1037
00:44:40,876 --> 00:44:41,944
And here comes...
1038
00:44:44,547 --> 00:44:45,547
No.
1039
00:44:48,383 --> 00:44:50,319
No, no, no!
1040
00:44:50,452 --> 00:44:52,988
Hey, dude, if you need,
like, a moment or...
1041
00:44:53,122 --> 00:44:55,691
Oh, my God. No Graceland.
1042
00:44:55,824 --> 00:44:57,426
No Beast.
1043
00:44:57,559 --> 00:44:58,878
No Little Rock.
1044
00:44:58,879 --> 00:45:00,196
TALLAHASSEE: No Little Rock?
1045
00:45:00,329 --> 00:45:01,997
Am I not allowed
1046
00:45:02,130 --> 00:45:06,768
one cock-sucking duck-fucking
little break in this world?
1047
00:45:06,902 --> 00:45:08,871
You're not the only one
that's upset.
1048
00:45:09,005 --> 00:45:12,641
Just... Just drive.
Drive, drive. Drive now!
1049
00:45:12,775 --> 00:45:14,544
Get away from here. Go!
1050
00:45:18,513 --> 00:45:20,516
COLUMBUS:
Graceland was a pile of rubble,
1051
00:45:20,649 --> 00:45:22,150
Little Rock was still missing,
1052
00:45:22,284 --> 00:45:24,019
and we were unsure
of our next move.
1053
00:45:24,153 --> 00:45:26,655
But sometimes, you just have
to follow the signs.
1054
00:45:26,789 --> 00:45:28,624
Hm.
1055
00:45:28,757 --> 00:45:30,960
Well, when Z-land
serves you lemons...
1056
00:45:33,162 --> 00:45:35,364
Hey, Florida, 11 o'clock.
1057
00:45:38,634 --> 00:45:40,002
What?
1058
00:45:40,135 --> 00:45:44,140
Hound Dog Hotel.
Oh, what a bunch of bull.
1059
00:45:46,074 --> 00:45:47,476
Whoa, the Beast!
1060
00:45:47,477 --> 00:45:48,878
Little Rock!
1061
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:53,149
[COCKS GUN]
1062
00:45:56,852 --> 00:45:59,421
TALLAHASSEE:
Damn. Wow,
1063
00:45:59,555 --> 00:46:01,190
for a place
that ain't Graceland,
1064
00:46:01,323 --> 00:46:03,492
it sure looks a hell
of a lot like Graceland.
1065
00:46:03,625 --> 00:46:05,093
- Yeah, it does.
- Here's the idea.
1066
00:46:05,227 --> 00:46:06,728
We'll split up.
I'll go this way.
1067
00:46:06,862 --> 00:46:08,530
No, no, no.
I should talk to her.
1068
00:46:08,664 --> 00:46:11,600
I'm her sister. I'll talk to
her first. You guys stay here.
1069
00:46:11,734 --> 00:46:13,369
Mm, sound.
1070
00:46:13,502 --> 00:46:15,037
Huh.
1071
00:46:15,038 --> 00:46:16,572
Buh, buh, buh, buh.
1072
00:46:16,705 --> 00:46:17,890
Little respect.
1073
00:46:17,891 --> 00:46:19,074
Why? He's dead probably.
1074
00:46:19,207 --> 00:46:21,677
Oh. Oh, for you. Okay.
1075
00:46:24,213 --> 00:46:25,247
This is so degrading.
1076
00:46:25,248 --> 00:46:26,281
It's not for me.
1077
00:46:26,415 --> 00:46:27,415
Yeah, I know.
1078
00:46:28,717 --> 00:46:30,085
Okay.
1079
00:46:30,219 --> 00:46:32,087
- Oh, yeah.
- Smells like a wet dog died.
1080
00:46:32,221 --> 00:46:33,822
- That's not... Push it.
- I am.
1081
00:46:33,956 --> 00:46:35,358
Square peg, round hole. Stop.
1082
00:46:35,359 --> 00:46:36,759
Yeah, okay. Sorry.
1083
00:46:41,330 --> 00:46:43,765
Oh, my God. It's uncanny.
1084
00:46:43,899 --> 00:46:46,068
This is incredible.
1085
00:46:46,202 --> 00:46:49,705
It's a perfect fit. I feel
like Cinderella at the ball.
1086
00:46:49,838 --> 00:46:53,943
Are you jealous that I have
the same size shoe as Elvis?
1087
00:46:54,076 --> 00:46:57,780
No. It's not like those
are Elvis' actual shoes.
1088
00:47:00,849 --> 00:47:02,285
Sorry.
1089
00:47:06,221 --> 00:47:07,256
[♪♪♪]
1090
00:47:22,571 --> 00:47:26,174
[LOUDLY]
♪ Well, I never been to Spain ♪
1091
00:47:26,308 --> 00:47:29,278
[PLAYING TUNE ON PIANO]
1092
00:47:29,411 --> 00:47:30,646
Little Rock?
1093
00:47:35,450 --> 00:47:38,620
♪ The ladies are insane ♪
1094
00:47:41,456 --> 00:47:45,294
♪ And they don't have it easy ♪
1095
00:47:50,966 --> 00:47:54,603
♪ Well, I never been
To heaven... ♪
1096
00:47:54,737 --> 00:47:56,171
Ow!
1097
00:47:56,304 --> 00:47:57,606
[GUN COCKS]
1098
00:47:57,740 --> 00:47:59,292
Start talking.
1099
00:47:59,293 --> 00:48:00,843
Ah, you first.
1100
00:48:00,976 --> 00:48:02,161
Hi, my name's Tallahassee.
1101
00:48:02,162 --> 00:48:03,345
Nevada.
1102
00:48:03,478 --> 00:48:04,763
Which part?
1103
00:48:04,764 --> 00:48:06,048
Nevada's as close as you get.
1104
00:48:06,182 --> 00:48:08,050
Now, what are you doing
in the Hound Dog?
1105
00:48:08,183 --> 00:48:11,153
[IMITATES ELVIS]
I got a thing for the King.
1106
00:48:12,688 --> 00:48:15,524
No, no, don't shoot my friends.
1107
00:48:15,658 --> 00:48:16,893
Anybody else in here with you?
1108
00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:18,127
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, just us.
1109
00:48:18,260 --> 00:48:21,530
We're all civilized people.
Let's just put the guns down.
1110
00:48:21,663 --> 00:48:24,633
Why the hell are you wearing
Elvis' actual shoes?
1111
00:48:24,767 --> 00:48:25,801
Comfort.
1112
00:48:27,469 --> 00:48:28,503
You live here?
1113
00:48:28,504 --> 00:48:29,537
Yeah.
1114
00:48:29,671 --> 00:48:32,640
So that car out front, the girl
who was driving it, is she...
1115
00:48:32,774 --> 00:48:35,711
Gone. She and that poser
peace lover of hers...
1116
00:48:35,845 --> 00:48:37,062
Berkeley.
1117
00:48:37,063 --> 00:48:38,279
Berkeley.
1118
00:48:38,413 --> 00:48:39,648
Took off a few days ago.
1119
00:48:39,782 --> 00:48:41,649
And trust me,
they shouldn't have.
1120
00:48:41,784 --> 00:48:42,885
It's not safe out there.
1121
00:48:43,018 --> 00:48:44,403
Damn it.
1122
00:48:44,404 --> 00:48:45,787
Why didn't they take the Beast?
1123
00:48:45,921 --> 00:48:47,723
He said it was
too "establishment."
1124
00:48:47,856 --> 00:48:51,060
Oh, I will kill
that little fart snack myself.
1125
00:48:51,193 --> 00:48:53,061
You're lucky I didn't do
the same to you.
1126
00:48:53,195 --> 00:48:56,332
Seriously. You know how close
I came to Murraying you?
1127
00:48:59,368 --> 00:49:01,403
To what-ing him?
1128
00:49:01,536 --> 00:49:04,372
Murraying him. You know,
when you shoot someone
1129
00:49:04,506 --> 00:49:06,341
because you think
they're a zombie.
1130
00:49:06,475 --> 00:49:09,110
Apparently, that's
how Bill Murray died.
1131
00:49:09,244 --> 00:49:11,245
Wow, God, who's Bill Murray?
I never...
1132
00:49:11,380 --> 00:49:12,881
I don't even know what that is.
1133
00:49:13,014 --> 00:49:15,384
Oh, the actor.
That's so sad.
1134
00:49:15,517 --> 00:49:17,086
I don't read Variety.
That's sad.
1135
00:49:17,219 --> 00:49:19,755
Sorry if you knew him.
If you didn't, I'm still sorry.
1136
00:49:19,888 --> 00:49:22,524
It's sad when anybody dies.
Sounds like an urban legend.
1137
00:49:22,657 --> 00:49:23,942
It happened.
1138
00:49:23,943 --> 00:49:25,227
I doubt it. It's weird. What?
1139
00:49:27,897 --> 00:49:30,199
I'll say this about Murray,
1140
00:49:30,332 --> 00:49:34,269
if I ever find out who did him,
I'm gonna do him.
1141
00:49:34,403 --> 00:49:36,404
Me too. I'll be...
You first, but me second.
1142
00:49:36,538 --> 00:49:38,173
WICHITA:
Don't listen to this guy.
1143
00:49:38,307 --> 00:49:39,947
He's killed more
celebrities than cocaine.
1144
00:49:39,975 --> 00:49:41,576
The girl that was here before,
1145
00:49:41,710 --> 00:49:43,212
did she say where she was going?
1146
00:49:43,345 --> 00:49:46,180
No, but that idiot Berkeley
1147
00:49:46,315 --> 00:49:48,116
wouldn't shut up about it.
1148
00:49:48,250 --> 00:49:50,352
Babylon is a commune,
safe haven,
1149
00:49:50,486 --> 00:49:51,920
protected on all sides.
1150
00:49:52,053 --> 00:49:55,357
Completely pacifist.
No guns or violence of any kind.
1151
00:49:55,490 --> 00:49:57,125
A lot of young people too,
you know.
1152
00:49:57,259 --> 00:49:59,195
Generation Z living
in peace and harmony.
1153
00:49:59,328 --> 00:50:01,463
- It sounds cool.
- I know you had your heart set
1154
00:50:01,597 --> 00:50:06,435
On this Graceland, but this
is mucho, mucho better.
1155
00:50:07,936 --> 00:50:09,470
[GROWLING]
1156
00:50:09,604 --> 00:50:10,806
[♪♪♪]
1157
00:50:13,476 --> 00:50:16,578
This is a very good replica
of the King's Jungle Room,
1158
00:50:16,712 --> 00:50:18,914
where he recorded
his last two albums.
1159
00:50:19,047 --> 00:50:22,751
From Elvis Presley Boulevard,
Memphis, Tennessee and...
1160
00:50:22,884 --> 00:50:24,919
And Moody Blue.
1161
00:50:25,053 --> 00:50:26,255
You know your Elvis.
1162
00:50:27,722 --> 00:50:30,593
Every lover of the King
has a story.
1163
00:50:31,727 --> 00:50:33,128
What's yours?
1164
00:50:33,261 --> 00:50:36,531
My mama took me to see Elvis
when I was a kid.
1165
00:50:36,665 --> 00:50:39,301
Something about him.
Attitude, the music...
1166
00:50:39,434 --> 00:50:41,803
The hips, the ass.
1167
00:50:41,937 --> 00:50:43,805
Well, I was 10, but with Elvis,
1168
00:50:43,939 --> 00:50:45,407
there is something for everyone.
1169
00:50:45,540 --> 00:50:47,676
Cut to later,
I'm in high school.
1170
00:50:47,809 --> 00:50:50,613
And my buddy
Frankie Hammond says, uh:
1171
00:50:50,746 --> 00:50:52,948
"Do your Elvis."
1172
00:50:53,081 --> 00:50:56,284
I said, "We're in the library.
It's gonna be loud."
1173
00:50:56,418 --> 00:50:58,820
He convinces me. He starts
tapping his pencil,
1174
00:50:58,954 --> 00:51:00,189
and I get up.
1175
00:51:03,993 --> 00:51:07,296
♪ You ain't nothing
But a hound dog ♪
1176
00:51:07,429 --> 00:51:10,132
♪ Crying all the time
Bo, bo, doo-de-doo ♪
1177
00:51:10,265 --> 00:51:12,901
Everybody starts gathering
around and clapping,
1178
00:51:13,035 --> 00:51:15,838
and I jumped on a table.
I finish off with a flourish.
1179
00:51:15,971 --> 00:51:17,839
♪ You ain't never
Caught a rabbit ♪
1180
00:51:17,972 --> 00:51:19,707
♪ You ain't no friend of mine ♪
1181
00:51:19,841 --> 00:51:21,176
[TAPS OUT DRUM BEATS]
1182
00:51:21,309 --> 00:51:24,513
Yeah! And the whole place,
thunderous applause.
1183
00:51:24,647 --> 00:51:27,683
And up comes the cutest girl
in the school,
1184
00:51:27,816 --> 00:51:31,887
Robin Rogers, who never
gave me the time of day before.
1185
00:51:32,020 --> 00:51:34,222
She plants a kiss on my cheek.
1186
00:51:34,356 --> 00:51:36,524
And for a moment, just one,
1187
00:51:36,658 --> 00:51:38,427
I felt like the King.
1188
00:51:41,496 --> 00:51:44,333
I suddenly feel a little jealous
of Robin Rogers.
1189
00:51:45,467 --> 00:51:46,467
[CLEARS THROAT]
1190
00:51:46,502 --> 00:51:47,502
You don't say.
1191
00:51:49,771 --> 00:51:51,240
I don't know about you...
1192
00:51:52,875 --> 00:51:54,577
but I feel my temperature
rising.
1193
00:51:55,978 --> 00:51:57,313
[COUGHS]
1194
00:51:59,181 --> 00:52:00,382
Mm.
1195
00:52:03,318 --> 00:52:05,988
This is Babylon.
1196
00:52:06,121 --> 00:52:09,391
Oh, like those ancient
hanging gardens.
1197
00:52:09,524 --> 00:52:10,525
Huh?
1198
00:52:10,526 --> 00:52:11,526
Of Babylon.
1199
00:52:11,659 --> 00:52:14,763
No, no. It's named
for that cool David Gray song.
1200
00:52:14,896 --> 00:52:16,731
Man, I wish I'd written
that one.
1201
00:52:18,067 --> 00:52:20,736
No guns allowed is our one rule.
1202
00:52:20,869 --> 00:52:22,454
That, and no group sex.
1203
00:52:22,455 --> 00:52:24,039
MAN: All right. Hand them over.
1204
00:52:26,674 --> 00:52:28,777
Here you go.
1205
00:52:28,910 --> 00:52:31,212
No guns. No guns.
Just hugs.
1206
00:52:31,346 --> 00:52:33,048
Then welcome.
1207
00:52:33,181 --> 00:52:35,417
Come on, señorita.
You're gonna love this place.
1208
00:52:35,550 --> 00:52:37,486
It's completely safe
and entirely organic.
1209
00:52:37,619 --> 00:52:39,530
- LITTLE ROCK: This is so cool.
- MAN: All right.
1210
00:52:39,554 --> 00:52:42,123
We're gonna melt your guns here
and give you a pendant.
1211
00:52:42,257 --> 00:52:44,057
- LITTLE ROCK: They melt it?
- BERKELEY: Yeah.
1212
00:52:44,092 --> 00:52:45,293
MAN:
It's a symbolic thing.
1213
00:52:45,427 --> 00:52:46,928
BERKELEY:
Goodbye, violence.
1214
00:52:47,062 --> 00:52:48,563
Hello, peace.
1215
00:52:48,697 --> 00:52:49,765
MAN:
Once we're done,
1216
00:52:49,898 --> 00:52:51,399
we'll take you up
to the rooftop.
1217
00:52:51,533 --> 00:52:52,567
I hope you like stairs.
1218
00:52:52,701 --> 00:52:53,701
MAN:
That's good.
1219
00:52:57,506 --> 00:52:58,624
Thanks.
1220
00:52:58,625 --> 00:52:59,741
Welcome to Babylon.
1221
00:52:59,875 --> 00:53:01,643
Let me show you the way.
1222
00:53:01,777 --> 00:53:02,778
Aw, right on.
1223
00:53:02,911 --> 00:53:04,813
[♪♪♪]
1224
00:53:07,416 --> 00:53:08,984
Hey, brother. What's up?
1225
00:53:09,117 --> 00:53:10,819
- Hi.
- Yeah.
1226
00:53:30,571 --> 00:53:33,975
TALLAHASSEE [IMITATING ELVIS]:
Wake up, my little blue
suede baby.
1227
00:53:34,109 --> 00:53:36,010
It's now or never. Ooh!
1228
00:53:36,144 --> 00:53:39,379
My friends say you're sleeping
like a tired pup.
1229
00:53:39,514 --> 00:53:41,483
[CAR HORN BLOWS "DIXIE"]
1230
00:53:41,617 --> 00:53:42,651
What the fuck?
1231
00:53:42,784 --> 00:53:43,885
[ENGINE REVVING]
1232
00:53:44,018 --> 00:53:45,020
Shit.
1233
00:53:46,287 --> 00:53:47,956
[GLASS SHATTERS]
1234
00:53:52,126 --> 00:53:54,463
Oh, no, no, no!
1235
00:53:54,596 --> 00:53:56,464
This is not happening!
1236
00:53:56,598 --> 00:53:59,601
This is not fucking happening!
1237
00:53:59,735 --> 00:54:01,803
Hey, motherfucker,
that's my ride!
1238
00:54:01,936 --> 00:54:04,338
Oh, my apologies, tiny Elvis.
1239
00:54:04,472 --> 00:54:07,642
Just didn't expect anything
to be parked in my driveway.
1240
00:54:07,776 --> 00:54:08,844
Your driveway?
1241
00:54:10,579 --> 00:54:12,948
That's right. My driveway.
1242
00:54:13,081 --> 00:54:14,883
Well, that's funny.
When I parked in it,
1243
00:54:15,017 --> 00:54:16,251
no one told me to pull out.
1244
00:54:16,385 --> 00:54:18,020
[SCOFFS]
1245
00:54:18,153 --> 00:54:20,488
Well, actually,
it's my driveway.
1246
00:54:20,622 --> 00:54:22,324
Hey, Nevada.
1247
00:54:22,457 --> 00:54:27,229
But see, when I'm
in town, I use it.
1248
00:54:27,362 --> 00:54:30,699
Well, I'm in town now,
and I'm using it.
1249
00:54:30,833 --> 00:54:32,834
Keep talking like this,
and I can arrange
1250
00:54:32,967 --> 00:54:35,737
so neither of you
ever uses my driveway again.
1251
00:54:35,870 --> 00:54:37,790
I don't think they're talking
about the driveway.
1252
00:54:37,905 --> 00:54:39,173
No, I don't think so.
1253
00:54:39,308 --> 00:54:40,376
You happy now? Good move.
1254
00:54:40,377 --> 00:54:41,443
Satisfied? Good job.
1255
00:54:41,576 --> 00:54:42,928
Does he remind you of...?
1256
00:54:42,929 --> 00:54:44,279
Yeah, it's weird.
1257
00:54:44,412 --> 00:54:47,048
BOTH:
I don't like you at all.
1258
00:54:47,182 --> 00:54:48,416
It's not weird, it's creepy.
1259
00:54:48,550 --> 00:54:50,084
It's like an un-funhouse mirror.
1260
00:54:50,218 --> 00:54:53,355
I think you double-parked
or more perpendicular-parked.
1261
00:54:53,488 --> 00:54:55,390
- Hope we don't get a ticket.
- Whoa.
1262
00:54:55,524 --> 00:54:57,493
- Calm down.
- I'm just ragging you.
1263
00:54:57,626 --> 00:54:58,844
What is going on here?
1264
00:54:58,845 --> 00:55:00,061
What?
1265
00:55:00,195 --> 00:55:02,164
- What do you mean, "what"?
- What?
1266
00:55:02,297 --> 00:55:03,649
Does he not remind you of...?
1267
00:55:03,650 --> 00:55:05,000
Hello, everyone.
1268
00:55:05,133 --> 00:55:07,202
Of... Of what?
1269
00:55:07,335 --> 00:55:08,703
- This is Albuquerque.
- Howdy.
1270
00:55:08,837 --> 00:55:09,838
I'm Flagstaff.
1271
00:55:09,839 --> 00:55:10,839
Hey. I'm Columbus.
1272
00:55:10,972 --> 00:55:12,441
Oh, great.
1273
00:55:12,574 --> 00:55:15,176
Uh, this is Tallahassee,
Wichita,
1274
00:55:15,310 --> 00:55:17,378
- and I guess you know Nevada.
- Yes, I do.
1275
00:55:17,512 --> 00:55:18,546
Easy, cowboy.
1276
00:55:18,680 --> 00:55:20,582
So sorry about your ex-car.
1277
00:55:20,715 --> 00:55:24,086
I guess, as I like to say,
expect the unexpected.
1278
00:55:25,354 --> 00:55:26,822
It's one of my commandments.
1279
00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:28,289
Oh.
1280
00:55:28,423 --> 00:55:30,258
- Commandments?
- Yeah. Sort of guidelines
1281
00:55:30,392 --> 00:55:32,394
For staying alive.
I've got loads of them.
1282
00:55:32,527 --> 00:55:34,429
- Hm, interesting.
- Number one is teamwork.
1283
00:55:34,563 --> 00:55:36,999
Teamwork. That's so great.
1284
00:55:37,132 --> 00:55:38,900
I spent a long time
thinking about it.
1285
00:55:39,034 --> 00:55:41,570
I have rules, you know,
which is, like, less biblical.
1286
00:55:41,703 --> 00:55:44,305
I love rules. Without rules,
everything's chaos.
1287
00:55:44,439 --> 00:55:46,808
- Thank you.
- Columbus has quite a few rules.
1288
00:55:46,942 --> 00:55:48,911
- I do.
- Awesome. Like what?
1289
00:55:49,044 --> 00:55:51,312
- I don't wanna toot my own horn.
- Go on, toot.
1290
00:55:51,446 --> 00:55:52,497
Let me toot for him. Uh...
1291
00:55:52,498 --> 00:55:53,548
Thank you.
1292
00:55:53,682 --> 00:55:55,117
Number one, cardio.
1293
00:55:55,118 --> 00:55:56,551
That's right.
1294
00:55:56,685 --> 00:55:57,719
Cardio. Okay.
1295
00:55:57,853 --> 00:55:59,754
- What?
- I don't mean to laugh.
1296
00:55:59,888 --> 00:56:03,758
It's just that cardiovascular
fitness is his number 29,
1297
00:56:03,892 --> 00:56:05,560
meaning he has
28 other commandments
1298
00:56:05,694 --> 00:56:07,162
that he finds more important,
1299
00:56:07,296 --> 00:56:09,763
like, say, what's one
of your great ones?
1300
00:56:09,897 --> 00:56:12,467
Number 12. The world
is your bathroom, meaning
1301
00:56:12,601 --> 00:56:15,737
you can whip it out wherever
you want, and have at it.
1302
00:56:15,871 --> 00:56:17,939
Oh, just whip it out
wherever you want!
1303
00:56:18,073 --> 00:56:19,474
That sounds a little uncouth.
1304
00:56:19,607 --> 00:56:21,777
The "whip it out" part's
for guys, obviously.
1305
00:56:21,910 --> 00:56:24,712
If you're a woman,
you can reveal it.
1306
00:56:24,846 --> 00:56:26,982
- Whichever.
- I have beware of bathrooms.
1307
00:56:27,115 --> 00:56:29,184
Yeah, I'm just generally
careful around them.
1308
00:56:29,317 --> 00:56:31,319
But it's not a competition.
1309
00:56:31,452 --> 00:56:32,821
No, doesn't have to be.
1310
00:56:32,822 --> 00:56:34,189
But number 18 is limber up.
1311
00:56:34,323 --> 00:56:36,224
- But that's...
- That's fine. I have warm up.
1312
00:56:36,358 --> 00:56:39,294
Again, not a competition,
but commandment number 45
1313
00:56:39,427 --> 00:56:41,563
for me is, well,
mind your manners.
1314
00:56:41,696 --> 00:56:43,165
Just because it's the apocalypse
1315
00:56:43,298 --> 00:56:44,800
doesn't mean
you have to be rude.
1316
00:56:44,933 --> 00:56:46,701
Keep your hands
to yourself, number 42.
1317
00:56:46,834 --> 00:56:47,836
Do you have sunscreen?
1318
00:56:47,969 --> 00:56:49,571
- Just shade.
- Shade. Of course.
1319
00:56:49,705 --> 00:56:52,541
It's free. It's everywhere.
Yeah. Number two, double tap.
1320
00:56:52,674 --> 00:56:54,943
I have number five,
confirm your kill.
1321
00:56:55,077 --> 00:56:56,977
- Confirm your kill.
- Avoid perishables.
1322
00:56:57,112 --> 00:56:58,947
- Do you have that?
- Sorry. Ziploc bags.
1323
00:56:59,081 --> 00:57:01,016
- Same thing, different word.
- Yeah. Exactly.
1324
00:57:01,149 --> 00:57:03,384
I probably would shy away
from the word "Ziploc"
1325
00:57:03,518 --> 00:57:05,120
because I try
to avoid name brands.
1326
00:57:05,253 --> 00:57:08,189
Okay, great. So, what brought
you guys back so soon?
1327
00:57:08,323 --> 00:57:11,193
We was headed for the Rockies,
but the goddamn Bolts...
1328
00:57:11,326 --> 00:57:13,028
- Bolts?
- Yeah.
1329
00:57:13,161 --> 00:57:14,629
The zombies out on the plains.
1330
00:57:14,763 --> 00:57:16,865
They're a lot tougher
than what we're used to.
1331
00:57:16,999 --> 00:57:19,868
I guess because of all
the running and hunting.
1332
00:57:20,001 --> 00:57:22,035
So we call them Bolts,
as in Usain.
1333
00:57:22,170 --> 00:57:23,571
As in pretty fucking athletic.
1334
00:57:23,705 --> 00:57:25,440
COLUMBUS:
No, that makes total sense.
1335
00:57:25,574 --> 00:57:26,759
We call them T-800s.
1336
00:57:26,760 --> 00:57:27,943
Terminator. Yes! I love it.
1337
00:57:28,076 --> 00:57:29,243
COLUMBUS:
Really?
1338
00:57:29,377 --> 00:57:30,878
Yes. My favorite movie.
Well, T2.
1339
00:57:31,012 --> 00:57:32,714
Yeah, T2 is my
second favorite movie.
1340
00:57:32,847 --> 00:57:34,315
What's number one?
1341
00:57:34,316 --> 00:57:35,783
Uh, it's Fantasia.
1342
00:57:35,917 --> 00:57:36,951
[CHUCKLES]
1343
00:57:37,084 --> 00:57:38,553
ALBUQUERQUE:
Well, anyhow,
1344
00:57:38,686 --> 00:57:40,521
the Bolts' food sources
are running low,
1345
00:57:40,655 --> 00:57:42,624
so they're pushing east,
which is no bueno.
1346
00:57:42,757 --> 00:57:44,792
You know what else is no bueno?
1347
00:57:44,926 --> 00:57:47,095
You murdered the Beast.
1348
00:57:47,228 --> 00:57:50,032
Yeah, well, let me
call AAA for you.
1349
00:57:50,165 --> 00:57:52,467
I'm sure they'll be right over.
1350
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:54,836
So you have to play
your cards as...
1351
00:57:54,969 --> 00:57:57,939
Whoo, that onesie was starting
to cut off my circulation.
1352
00:57:58,072 --> 00:57:59,474
To your vagina?
1353
00:57:59,475 --> 00:58:00,875
Your vagina.
1354
00:58:01,009 --> 00:58:02,877
What'll you have, Florida?
1355
00:58:03,010 --> 00:58:05,613
He strikes me as
the, uh, lemon drop type.
1356
00:58:05,747 --> 00:58:08,616
You know, something with an
umbrella or something like that.
1357
00:58:08,750 --> 00:58:11,219
I heard "something with
an umbrella." Make it two.
1358
00:58:11,353 --> 00:58:12,353
Three please. Three.
1359
00:58:12,387 --> 00:58:14,289
So that's your sidekick.
1360
00:58:14,422 --> 00:58:15,857
ALBUQUERQUE:
That's my partner.
1361
00:58:15,991 --> 00:58:18,459
You might look
at Flagstaff and think:
1362
00:58:18,593 --> 00:58:21,095
"Oh, he's a little slight,
diminutive."
1363
00:58:21,229 --> 00:58:24,966
Effeminate even, but he's
a real beast in battle. Yeah.
1364
00:58:25,100 --> 00:58:28,102
Come on. You're being sweet.
You sweet, sweet man. Thank you.
1365
00:58:28,236 --> 00:58:29,804
- Well, I love you.
- Love you too.
1366
00:58:29,937 --> 00:58:32,440
Yeah, you know, Tubbs
to my Crockett over here.
1367
00:58:32,574 --> 00:58:35,409
He may look a little bookish,
but he's an animal too.
1368
00:58:35,543 --> 00:58:38,112
He eats zombies for breakfast,
shits them out by lunch.
1369
00:58:38,246 --> 00:58:39,614
Cheers.
1370
00:58:39,747 --> 00:58:41,816
He shits out
everything by lunch.
1371
00:58:41,949 --> 00:58:43,185
[METAL BANGING]
1372
00:58:44,552 --> 00:58:46,688
What the hell was that?
1373
00:58:46,821 --> 00:58:48,256
[♪♪♪]
1374
00:58:50,725 --> 00:58:52,193
They must have followed you.
1375
00:58:52,327 --> 00:58:54,262
Oh, God, those are T-800s.
1376
00:58:54,396 --> 00:58:56,131
Or at the very least T-700s.
1377
00:58:56,264 --> 00:58:57,582
There was no T-700.
1378
00:58:57,583 --> 00:58:58,900
Yeah, T-800's the first model.
1379
00:58:59,033 --> 00:59:01,969
This is great,
having the two of you.
1380
00:59:02,103 --> 00:59:04,572
Okay.
Time to nut up or shut up.
1381
00:59:04,706 --> 00:59:06,074
[COCKS GUN]
1382
00:59:06,075 --> 00:59:07,442
That saying's very 2009.
1383
00:59:07,576 --> 00:59:09,344
[LAUGHS]
1384
00:59:11,112 --> 00:59:12,463
Okay. We got this.
1385
00:59:12,464 --> 00:59:13,814
Ho!
1386
00:59:13,948 --> 00:59:16,084
You don't send a boy
to do a man's job.
1387
00:59:16,218 --> 00:59:18,419
We brought them here.
We'll take care of it.
1388
00:59:18,553 --> 00:59:20,955
Yeah, you know what?
Have at 'em.
1389
00:59:21,088 --> 00:59:23,090
You have a safe word
in case things go bad?
1390
00:59:23,224 --> 00:59:24,658
Heh, that's good.
Come on, Flag,
1391
00:59:24,793 --> 00:59:26,761
let's show these fuckers
how it's done.
1392
00:59:26,895 --> 00:59:28,830
Sure. You got it, boss.
1393
00:59:28,963 --> 00:59:31,332
Hasta la vista, baby.
Terminator 2.
1394
00:59:31,466 --> 00:59:32,567
Remember?
1395
00:59:32,568 --> 00:59:33,668
ALBUQUERQUE: Ready, buddy?
1396
00:59:33,801 --> 00:59:35,837
He's so cool.
1397
00:59:35,970 --> 00:59:37,072
Whoo, heh, heh!
1398
00:59:37,073 --> 00:59:38,173
Suck these bullets!
1399
00:59:38,306 --> 00:59:39,641
Come on! Get you some!
1400
00:59:39,775 --> 00:59:42,643
Anybody else find those
two uniquely annoying?
1401
00:59:42,777 --> 00:59:43,995
ALBUQUERQUE: Get it!
1402
00:59:43,996 --> 00:59:45,213
Uniquely? No.
1403
00:59:47,181 --> 00:59:48,850
Well, I don't love
their chances.
1404
00:59:48,984 --> 00:59:51,653
They ignored rule 52,
don't be afraid to ask for help.
1405
00:59:51,786 --> 00:59:53,988
FLAGSTAFF:
Get fucked in the face, bitch!
1406
00:59:54,122 --> 00:59:55,657
- Flagstaff?
- Yeah, boss?
1407
00:59:55,790 --> 00:59:58,693
You made the all-star team
today. I mean, no kidding.
1408
00:59:58,826 --> 01:00:00,028
Unbelievable job.
1409
01:00:00,162 --> 01:00:01,896
And is it me, or are those Bolts
1410
01:00:02,030 --> 01:00:03,997
they're just getting meaner
by the day?
1411
01:00:04,132 --> 01:00:05,567
They're full-blown dickheads.
1412
01:00:05,568 --> 01:00:07,001
I got an action shot of you
1413
01:00:07,135 --> 01:00:09,236
that's going right
into the scrapbook.
1414
01:00:09,371 --> 01:00:12,340
This is gonna be a good one.
You just keep raising the bar,
1415
01:00:12,474 --> 01:00:15,876
and that's why we will continue
to ride these highways together.
1416
01:00:16,010 --> 01:00:17,161
I'm so proud of you.
1417
01:00:17,162 --> 01:00:18,312
I learned from the best.
1418
01:00:18,446 --> 01:00:20,348
- Oh, come on now.
- Nice work, Querq.
1419
01:00:20,482 --> 01:00:21,802
ALBUQUERQUE:
Thank you. Thank you.
1420
01:00:21,850 --> 01:00:24,251
This is gonna be
a hell of a shot. Ha, ha!
1421
01:00:24,385 --> 01:00:26,720
It's so cool he let you
wear the hat.
1422
01:00:26,854 --> 01:00:28,256
- NEVADA: Querq?
- Yeah?
1423
01:00:28,390 --> 01:00:31,126
I think you got
a little something here.
1424
01:00:31,259 --> 01:00:32,794
[♪♪♪]
1425
01:00:32,927 --> 01:00:34,295
Oh, what, that?
1426
01:00:34,428 --> 01:00:35,864
[ALBUQUERQUE CLEARS THROAT]
1427
01:00:35,997 --> 01:00:39,200
Oh, yeah, that's just...
That's just a tattoo.
1428
01:00:39,333 --> 01:00:41,202
[ALBUQUERQUE CHUCKLES]
1429
01:00:41,336 --> 01:00:44,138
Sorry, you got a tattoo
of a zombie bite?
1430
01:00:44,272 --> 01:00:48,043
No, it's just a tattoo
I got one night in Bernalillo.
1431
01:00:48,176 --> 01:00:49,176
Huh.
1432
01:00:50,244 --> 01:00:51,446
All right, everybody.
1433
01:00:51,579 --> 01:00:55,115
Just take it easy.
Everything's fine.
1434
01:00:55,250 --> 01:00:57,919
Nevada, why don't you whip up
some of your signature...
1435
01:00:58,053 --> 01:01:00,321
[GROANS]
1436
01:01:00,454 --> 01:01:01,923
[CHUCKLES]
1437
01:01:02,056 --> 01:01:04,559
All right.
That was a little weird, huh?
1438
01:01:04,693 --> 01:01:06,161
Yeah.
1439
01:01:06,162 --> 01:01:07,628
All right. Just calm down.
1440
01:01:07,762 --> 01:01:09,564
We'll just
have a drink, you know.
1441
01:01:09,697 --> 01:01:10,865
[GULPS HARD]
1442
01:01:10,999 --> 01:01:14,035
So we can just kind
of celeb... Celeb...
1443
01:01:15,203 --> 01:01:16,971
[ALL GASPING]
1444
01:01:17,104 --> 01:01:19,207
Excuse me. It's okay.
1445
01:01:19,340 --> 01:01:21,742
It's just nerves
from the fight. Just...
1446
01:01:21,876 --> 01:01:22,877
[GROWLS]
1447
01:01:23,010 --> 01:01:24,278
Uh, you guys, I think
1448
01:01:24,412 --> 01:01:26,481
Albuquerque might be infected.
1449
01:01:26,614 --> 01:01:28,282
Me? I'm infected?
1450
01:01:28,416 --> 01:01:29,416
[ALBUQUERQUE COUGHS]
1451
01:01:29,451 --> 01:01:30,652
You got bit twice.
1452
01:01:30,785 --> 01:01:32,686
- Ah, Flagstaff!
- No, no. That's a lie.
1453
01:01:32,820 --> 01:01:34,689
Trust me. Okay? Trust me.
1454
01:01:34,822 --> 01:01:36,324
I don't get bit.
I never get bit.
1455
01:01:36,458 --> 01:01:38,459
I don't get bit either.
We're slippery.
1456
01:01:38,593 --> 01:01:39,828
- See?
- I know. Are you okay?
1457
01:01:39,961 --> 01:01:41,962
- I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
- You are?
1458
01:01:42,096 --> 01:01:44,166
- I'm fine.
- Okay, he's fine. He's fine.
1459
01:01:45,266 --> 01:01:46,835
No, he's not fine. No.
1460
01:01:46,968 --> 01:01:50,839
No. You're starting to look
like a T-800. Terminator 2.
1461
01:01:50,972 --> 01:01:51,972
- [GROWLING]
- [GASPS]
1462
01:01:53,174 --> 01:01:54,609
No. No, no, no!
1463
01:01:55,643 --> 01:01:57,345
No!
1464
01:01:57,478 --> 01:01:58,478
Aah!
1465
01:01:58,579 --> 01:02:01,115
Move! Move!
Get out of the way.
1466
01:02:01,249 --> 01:02:03,251
Aah! Aah!
1467
01:02:03,384 --> 01:02:04,384
Ow!
1468
01:02:07,155 --> 01:02:08,423
No! No!
1469
01:02:08,556 --> 01:02:09,924
[GUNFIRE]
1470
01:02:10,058 --> 01:02:11,292
Flagstaff, you're breaking
1471
01:02:11,425 --> 01:02:13,195
like 10 commandments right now!
1472
01:02:19,166 --> 01:02:22,037
This is for what you did
to the Beast! Unh!
1473
01:02:23,638 --> 01:02:24,638
Sorry!
1474
01:02:24,672 --> 01:02:26,273
[GRUNTING]
1475
01:02:26,407 --> 01:02:27,508
- How you doing?
- Bad!
1476
01:02:27,642 --> 01:02:29,109
- How are you?
- Bad!
1477
01:02:29,243 --> 01:02:30,778
[♪♪♪]
1478
01:02:30,911 --> 01:02:32,781
Sorry, shoes. Sorry, Elvis.
1479
01:02:38,319 --> 01:02:39,654
[GROANS]
1480
01:02:39,788 --> 01:02:41,189
Oh, shit. Oh!
1481
01:02:42,823 --> 01:02:44,241
How you doing now?
1482
01:02:44,242 --> 01:02:45,658
Still bad! You wanna switch?
1483
01:02:45,793 --> 01:02:48,429
Switch?
How would that benefit me?
1484
01:02:48,563 --> 01:02:49,598
[GROANS]
1485
01:02:53,735 --> 01:02:55,036
[GROANS]
1486
01:02:56,637 --> 01:02:57,706
Shit!
1487
01:03:01,142 --> 01:03:02,711
[YELPING]
1488
01:03:04,846 --> 01:03:06,765
Help! Shoot him! Shoot him!
1489
01:03:06,766 --> 01:03:08,683
I don't wanna hit you!
1490
01:03:13,521 --> 01:03:14,555
Shit.
1491
01:03:14,689 --> 01:03:17,259
Gun, gun, gun! Oh, shit!
1492
01:03:20,295 --> 01:03:22,096
TALLAHASSEE:
Stop shooting! I got this!
1493
01:03:22,230 --> 01:03:23,598
Great, because I'm reloading!
1494
01:03:25,866 --> 01:03:27,502
[GROANING]
1495
01:03:30,672 --> 01:03:32,540
[YELLS]
1496
01:03:32,673 --> 01:03:36,444
Don't swing! Don't swing!
Don't swing! Swing!
1497
01:03:36,577 --> 01:03:38,412
Shit!
1498
01:03:38,546 --> 01:03:41,148
No, no, no, not me!
Not me! Oh, fuck!
1499
01:03:41,282 --> 01:03:44,285
NEVADA:
Hasta la vista, baby.
1500
01:03:44,419 --> 01:03:46,721
[IMITATES ELVIS]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
1501
01:03:48,056 --> 01:03:49,357
Those guys are dicks.
1502
01:03:49,358 --> 01:03:50,658
[BOTH PANTING]
1503
01:03:50,791 --> 01:03:52,391
TALLAHASSEE [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Great job.
1504
01:03:52,427 --> 01:03:53,594
Thank you.
1505
01:03:53,728 --> 01:03:55,113
Ah. Can I wear the hat?
1506
01:03:55,114 --> 01:03:56,498
Oh, negatory.
1507
01:03:56,631 --> 01:03:58,399
Cool.
1508
01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:00,167
Zombie Kill of the Year?
1509
01:04:00,301 --> 01:04:03,304
COLUMBUS:
Mm, sorry. Not with the
performance just turned in
1510
01:04:03,438 --> 01:04:05,006
by Matteo Bianchi
of Pisa, Italy.
1511
01:04:05,139 --> 01:04:06,841
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
1512
01:04:09,110 --> 01:04:10,111
[ROARING]
1513
01:04:17,251 --> 01:04:18,553
[RUMBLING]
1514
01:04:18,686 --> 01:04:19,954
[♪♪♪]
1515
01:04:20,088 --> 01:04:21,990
COLUMBUS:
Yeah, yeah. That Pisa.
1516
01:04:36,104 --> 01:04:37,571
COLUMBUS:
Bravisimmo, Mateo.
1517
01:04:40,475 --> 01:04:43,311
Ahh, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
1518
01:04:43,444 --> 01:04:45,880
COLUMBUS:
Jesus, Big Fat Death is right.
1519
01:04:46,013 --> 01:04:48,616
That thing is, like,
a huge rollover risk.
1520
01:04:48,750 --> 01:04:50,351
It is.
1521
01:04:50,485 --> 01:04:53,788
Hey, dude, I think you should
ask her to come with us.
1522
01:04:53,921 --> 01:04:55,041
- No, no, no.
- Come on, yes.
1523
01:04:55,156 --> 01:04:57,158
I think they make a nice match.
1524
01:04:57,291 --> 01:04:59,126
Look, what have I been
telling you guys?
1525
01:04:59,260 --> 01:05:01,294
I'm trying to shed baggage,
not pick it up.
1526
01:05:01,429 --> 01:05:02,914
Yeah.
1527
01:05:02,915 --> 01:05:04,398
Besides, she wouldn't do that.
1528
01:05:04,532 --> 01:05:05,966
She's not the type.
1529
01:05:09,036 --> 01:05:10,605
Stay safe, Sunshine State.
1530
01:05:12,573 --> 01:05:14,109
Excuse me.
1531
01:05:18,413 --> 01:05:20,014
Stay dangerous, Nevada.
1532
01:05:20,147 --> 01:05:21,216
[CHUCKLES]
1533
01:05:28,255 --> 01:05:32,226
Okay. Hey, no offense, but
my sister is still out there.
1534
01:05:32,360 --> 01:05:34,696
Wanna hit the old road.
1535
01:05:36,030 --> 01:05:38,198
If by some miracle
you don't die...
1536
01:05:39,934 --> 01:05:42,537
there's always room
in my driveway.
1537
01:05:45,205 --> 01:05:46,674
I best stay alive.
1538
01:05:48,142 --> 01:05:49,276
[NEVADA CHUCKLES]
1539
01:05:49,410 --> 01:05:50,845
Okay, you're back. Good.
1540
01:05:50,979 --> 01:05:53,214
Do you know how to drive
one of these things?
1541
01:05:53,347 --> 01:05:56,517
I'm gonna just pop that puppy
off of there
1542
01:05:56,651 --> 01:05:59,020
and then you guys can jump in.
1543
01:05:59,153 --> 01:06:00,588
Nice.
1544
01:06:02,690 --> 01:06:05,426
She's a big old stallion,
but I can tame her.
1545
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:06,594
[GROANS]
1546
01:06:08,162 --> 01:06:09,530
[DOOR CLOSES]
1547
01:06:09,663 --> 01:06:10,898
[ENGINE RUMBLES]
1548
01:06:11,031 --> 01:06:12,299
[GEAR SHIFT GRINDING]
1549
01:06:12,433 --> 01:06:13,902
TALLAHASSEE:
Whoo!
1550
01:06:16,670 --> 01:06:17,739
[TIRES SQUEALING]
1551
01:06:17,872 --> 01:06:18,872
Oh, shit.
1552
01:06:18,973 --> 01:06:20,208
[♪♪♪]
1553
01:06:23,210 --> 01:06:24,545
I think he's got the hang of it.
1554
01:06:24,546 --> 01:06:25,880
TALLAHASSEE: Shit!
1555
01:06:27,014 --> 01:06:28,716
- No. No, no.
- No, no, no.
1556
01:06:28,850 --> 01:06:30,884
TALLAHASSEE:
Goddamn motherfucker!
1557
01:06:31,018 --> 01:06:32,120
Got it.
1558
01:06:36,657 --> 01:06:39,026
[ENGINE SPUTTERS, DIES]
1559
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:42,597
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
1560
01:06:42,730 --> 01:06:44,432
Maybe you should leave a note.
1561
01:06:46,034 --> 01:06:47,235
That's your department.
1562
01:06:47,368 --> 01:06:48,368
[CHUCKLES]
1563
01:06:50,137 --> 01:06:52,106
[♪♪♪]
1564
01:06:52,240 --> 01:06:55,508
I... I just can't do it.
1565
01:06:55,642 --> 01:06:56,910
Yeah. I'll drive.
1566
01:07:03,584 --> 01:07:05,186
What was that?
1567
01:07:06,453 --> 01:07:07,589
Satisfying.
1568
01:07:07,722 --> 01:07:09,624
[♪♪♪]
1569
01:07:13,394 --> 01:07:15,062
Teamwork. Always put
the team first.
1570
01:07:15,196 --> 01:07:17,165
I can't believe
I didn't have that. Stupid.
1571
01:07:17,298 --> 01:07:19,600
You know, if Flagstaff
was so great,
1572
01:07:19,734 --> 01:07:22,970
then where was
the undeniably gorgeous
1573
01:07:23,104 --> 01:07:25,906
but emotionally inaccessible
Kansas City?
1574
01:07:26,040 --> 01:07:27,475
I don't know. Maybe she split
1575
01:07:27,608 --> 01:07:30,010
because she thought
they had a random relationship.
1576
01:07:30,145 --> 01:07:33,113
Or maybe she was
just about to come back
1577
01:07:33,247 --> 01:07:36,451
under the thinly veiled cover
of needing guns and ammo.
1578
01:07:37,651 --> 01:07:40,120
Wait, what are you getting at?
1579
01:07:40,254 --> 01:07:42,690
I think you're smart enough
to figure it out...
1580
01:07:42,823 --> 01:07:44,802
- [MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
- COLUMBUS: Oh, my God.
1581
01:07:44,826 --> 01:07:46,727
You gotta be kidding me.
1582
01:07:46,861 --> 01:07:48,296
You gotta be kidding me.
1583
01:07:49,630 --> 01:07:51,565
You gotta be kidding me!
1584
01:07:51,699 --> 01:07:53,901
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
1585
01:07:54,035 --> 01:07:55,503
Why the hell is she still alive?
1586
01:07:55,636 --> 01:07:59,206
Oh, my God, I literally
missed you guys. Yay!
1587
01:07:59,339 --> 01:08:00,341
Oh, my God.
1588
01:08:02,042 --> 01:08:03,811
Whoa!
1589
01:08:03,944 --> 01:08:05,313
Just... No, just look ahead.
1590
01:08:05,446 --> 01:08:08,049
Hi, old guy!
1591
01:08:08,182 --> 01:08:09,483
Let's hang out.
1592
01:08:09,617 --> 01:08:11,252
- Ha-ha-ha!
- It is so weird to see you.
1593
01:08:11,386 --> 01:08:13,387
The last time I saw you,
you were like a...
1594
01:08:13,521 --> 01:08:14,854
- You were a zombie.
- I wish.
1595
01:08:14,989 --> 01:08:16,891
Stupid nut allergy.
1596
01:08:17,024 --> 01:08:18,525
- Nut allergy? Oh.
- Yeah.
1597
01:08:18,659 --> 01:08:21,128
Yeah, I think it was
the trail mix Wichita gave me.
1598
01:08:21,262 --> 01:08:23,231
Who knew there were nuts
in trail mix.
1599
01:08:23,364 --> 01:08:25,299
MADISON:
Not me. I thought it was vegan.
1600
01:08:25,432 --> 01:08:26,833
I kept trying to tell you
1601
01:08:26,967 --> 01:08:29,304
it was only an allergic
reaction, but you thought
1602
01:08:29,437 --> 01:08:30,572
I was trying to bite you.
1603
01:08:30,573 --> 01:08:31,706
Yeah, well...
1604
01:08:31,838 --> 01:08:33,623
Not that you minded last time.
1605
01:08:33,624 --> 01:08:35,408
Mm.
1606
01:08:35,542 --> 01:08:37,311
Thank you for shooting
over my head.
1607
01:08:37,445 --> 01:08:39,480
I was really just trying
to scare you off.
1608
01:08:39,614 --> 01:08:41,482
You're not gonna get rid
of me that easy.
1609
01:08:41,615 --> 01:08:43,084
- Oh, no!
- Ha-ha-ha.
1610
01:08:43,217 --> 01:08:46,754
There I was, hiding in
the woods, when I thought:
1611
01:08:46,887 --> 01:08:50,958
"I used to live in a freezer,
so why not a freezer on wheels?"
1612
01:08:51,092 --> 01:08:53,060
Can't argue with that logic.
1613
01:08:53,194 --> 01:08:55,529
I really miss this.
1614
01:08:55,663 --> 01:08:57,565
Was that sarcasm?
1615
01:08:57,698 --> 01:08:59,200
[WHISPERS]
Was it?
1616
01:08:59,334 --> 01:09:00,334
Mm-hm.
1617
01:09:05,106 --> 01:09:07,641
Why wouldn't we
just move to an island?
1618
01:09:07,775 --> 01:09:09,243
That's a really good idea.
1619
01:09:09,376 --> 01:09:10,778
Then there wouldn't be zombies.
1620
01:09:10,912 --> 01:09:12,280
- Right.
- Of course.
1621
01:09:12,413 --> 01:09:14,649
We should go
to Temptation Island.
1622
01:09:16,550 --> 01:09:18,552
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
1623
01:09:18,686 --> 01:09:20,054
- What?
- Hey, hey.
1624
01:09:20,187 --> 01:09:21,188
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
1625
01:09:21,189 --> 01:09:22,189
Hey, hey.
1626
01:09:22,321 --> 01:09:24,025
Just... Just eyes on the road.
1627
01:09:24,158 --> 01:09:26,694
Do you want me to change
the CD or anything?
1628
01:09:26,827 --> 01:09:28,361
Is this a CD playing?
1629
01:09:28,495 --> 01:09:29,896
- Yeah. It's Port...
- What is this?
1630
01:09:30,030 --> 01:09:31,932
It's Portishead.
1631
01:09:32,066 --> 01:09:34,301
- This is Portishead?
- Yeah. You know what's funny?
1632
01:09:34,435 --> 01:09:36,471
I used to think
it was called "Portashed"
1633
01:09:36,604 --> 01:09:39,273
until I went to one of
the concerts, and she explained.
1634
01:09:39,405 --> 01:09:40,940
Yeah, I would think
"Portasheed."
1635
01:09:41,075 --> 01:09:42,510
Right. Yeah, that's funny.
1636
01:09:42,511 --> 01:09:43,944
Yeah.
1637
01:09:44,078 --> 01:09:45,613
COLUMBUS:
It was obvious to me
1638
01:09:45,745 --> 01:09:47,815
that Wichita and I
were meant to be together,
1639
01:09:47,948 --> 01:09:49,283
which is why Madison's return
1640
01:09:49,416 --> 01:09:50,918
could not have been
worse timing.
1641
01:09:51,052 --> 01:09:52,987
Of course, I was glad
she wasn't a zombie.
1642
01:09:53,120 --> 01:09:55,957
But couldn't she have just
gone back to her mall fridge?
1643
01:09:58,626 --> 01:10:01,095
Hey. Hey, look,
look, look. Look.
1644
01:10:02,329 --> 01:10:03,631
[GASPS]
1645
01:10:03,764 --> 01:10:04,764
[MUTTERS]
1646
01:10:04,832 --> 01:10:05,832
Look.
1647
01:10:05,933 --> 01:10:06,934
[♪♪♪]
1648
01:10:09,570 --> 01:10:12,106
We made it to Baby-lon.
1649
01:10:12,239 --> 01:10:15,676
COLUMBUS:
If you hear more than the usual
excitement in my voice,
1650
01:10:15,810 --> 01:10:17,444
it's for two reasons.
1651
01:10:17,578 --> 01:10:20,180
One, we may have caught up
to Little Rock,
1652
01:10:20,314 --> 01:10:21,382
for real this time.
1653
01:10:21,516 --> 01:10:22,917
And two, we may have
1654
01:10:23,050 --> 01:10:25,152
finally found our forever home,
1655
01:10:25,286 --> 01:10:27,453
which is what I've been
looking for all along.
1656
01:10:27,588 --> 01:10:29,273
Whoa, Babylon.
1657
01:10:29,274 --> 01:10:30,958
I love that song.
1658
01:10:31,092 --> 01:10:32,427
Hm?
1659
01:10:32,428 --> 01:10:33,761
This place is soy cute.
1660
01:10:33,894 --> 01:10:35,463
[MADISON GIGGLES]
1661
01:10:39,066 --> 01:10:40,534
Whoa, Jesus!
1662
01:10:40,535 --> 01:10:42,002
What the fuck?
1663
01:10:42,135 --> 01:10:43,670
Enjoy the little things.
1664
01:10:43,671 --> 01:10:45,205
My bags were in there!
1665
01:10:45,339 --> 01:10:46,673
No, they weren't.
1666
01:10:46,674 --> 01:10:48,007
No guns allowed!
1667
01:10:48,142 --> 01:10:50,044
[LAUGHS]
1668
01:10:50,177 --> 01:10:52,646
I like this place already.
You got a sense of humor.
1669
01:10:52,779 --> 01:10:54,381
No guns allowed.
1670
01:10:54,515 --> 01:10:58,985
I'm not giving up my guns under
any circumstances, period-o.
1671
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:01,889
Well, then, there's no way
you're getting up to Babylon.
1672
01:11:02,023 --> 01:11:04,058
You know, you could
always wait in the car.
1673
01:11:07,729 --> 01:11:09,564
Do you wanna see
Little Rock or not?
1674
01:11:14,502 --> 01:11:15,736
[SIGHS]
1675
01:11:15,870 --> 01:11:17,522
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
1676
01:11:17,523 --> 01:11:19,173
[DRUMS PLAYING]
1677
01:11:23,510 --> 01:11:25,179
TALLAHASSEE:
There she is!
1678
01:11:25,313 --> 01:11:27,314
BERKELEY:
I'm on a 40-day bowel blast.
1679
01:11:27,447 --> 01:11:28,716
Little Rock.
1680
01:11:30,284 --> 01:11:31,636
Hey.
1681
01:11:31,637 --> 01:11:32,987
Hi.
1682
01:11:33,120 --> 01:11:34,388
What are you guys doing here?
1683
01:11:34,522 --> 01:11:36,023
TALLAHASSEE:
I am so glad you're safe.
1684
01:11:36,157 --> 01:11:37,690
- Wow, okay.
- Oh, my God.
1685
01:11:37,825 --> 01:11:39,093
- Come here.
- Hello.
1686
01:11:39,227 --> 01:11:40,928
Seriously, what are
you doing here?
1687
01:11:41,062 --> 01:11:43,030
Hey, we don't leave each other.
1688
01:11:43,164 --> 01:11:44,665
I know, I know.
I'm really sorry.
1689
01:11:44,799 --> 01:11:46,867
Make me a pact.
No more notes. Ever.
1690
01:11:47,001 --> 01:11:48,735
- No more notes. Ever.
- Ever. Great.
1691
01:11:48,869 --> 01:11:50,738
Just so you know,
there's no group sex.
1692
01:11:52,073 --> 01:11:53,074
Okay, fine, group sex.
1693
01:11:53,075 --> 01:11:54,075
Oh, whoa.
1694
01:11:54,208 --> 01:11:56,410
Hey, Wichita. That means
you're Columbus,
1695
01:11:56,543 --> 01:11:58,579
and that makes you Tallahassee.
1696
01:11:58,713 --> 01:12:00,581
- Berkeley?
- You're from Berkeley?
1697
01:12:00,714 --> 01:12:02,416
- You're Berkeley?
- No, come on.
1698
01:12:02,549 --> 01:12:04,650
What are the chances
we're both from Berkeley?
1699
01:12:04,785 --> 01:12:06,587
- Berkeley!
- Calm down, calm down. Okay?
1700
01:12:06,721 --> 01:12:08,956
Thank you for coming
to check up on me, I guess.
1701
01:12:09,090 --> 01:12:11,725
But you have to understand
these people are peaceful,
1702
01:12:11,859 --> 01:12:13,460
and they're friendly and nice.
1703
01:12:13,594 --> 01:12:16,163
And honestly, I don't think
you're gonna fit in here.
1704
01:12:16,296 --> 01:12:17,948
They melted our fucking weapons!
1705
01:12:17,949 --> 01:12:19,600
This is exactly what I meant.
1706
01:12:19,733 --> 01:12:22,235
Guys, I think we should stay.
1707
01:12:22,369 --> 01:12:23,671
You don't get a vote.
1708
01:12:23,672 --> 01:12:24,972
I do get a vote.
1709
01:12:25,106 --> 01:12:27,107
Haven't you ever heard
of women suffering?
1710
01:12:27,240 --> 01:12:28,443
Women's suffrage?
1711
01:12:29,543 --> 01:12:31,312
- No, honey.
- Oh, boy.
1712
01:12:31,445 --> 01:12:33,047
- Who the hell is this?
- I'm Madison.
1713
01:12:33,181 --> 01:12:34,615
- Don't say it.
- You'll love this.
1714
01:12:34,748 --> 01:12:36,033
Don't say it.
1715
01:12:36,034 --> 01:12:37,317
That's Columbus' girlfriend.
1716
01:12:37,451 --> 01:12:38,653
It's official.
1717
01:12:38,786 --> 01:12:39,819
Wow, you just didn't
1718
01:12:39,954 --> 01:12:41,388
waste any time, did you?
1719
01:12:41,521 --> 01:12:42,806
Well, thank you for your vote.
1720
01:12:42,807 --> 01:12:44,091
And you're welcome.
1721
01:12:44,224 --> 01:12:47,261
Okay. I'm late for my
drum circle, so I gotta go.
1722
01:12:47,395 --> 01:12:48,495
WOMAN:
Hey, Little Rock!
1723
01:12:48,628 --> 01:12:50,297
Sorry about that.
1724
01:12:50,431 --> 01:12:52,567
[PLAYING OFF-BEAT FOLKSY TUNE]
1725
01:13:00,441 --> 01:13:02,009
COLUMBUS:
Seeing Little Rock safe
1726
01:13:02,142 --> 01:13:04,011
and surrounded by friends
her own age,
1727
01:13:04,144 --> 01:13:07,281
Tallahassee realized
his nest was now empty.
1728
01:13:07,414 --> 01:13:09,617
And he began to hear
the call of the buffalo.
1729
01:13:09,750 --> 01:13:11,219
[♪♪♪]
1730
01:13:13,854 --> 01:13:16,357
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING, LAUGHING]
1731
01:13:16,490 --> 01:13:18,559
MAN:
All right, I'm ready!
1732
01:13:18,692 --> 01:13:20,994
Come on, don't be
so Gloria Glum.
1733
01:13:21,128 --> 01:13:22,630
I told you guys I was leaving.
1734
01:13:22,763 --> 01:13:24,665
So, what, you're
just gonna split?
1735
01:13:27,167 --> 01:13:30,871
It's time. Gotta set out
on my own adventures.
1736
01:13:31,004 --> 01:13:32,806
Little Rock's safe,
1737
01:13:32,939 --> 01:13:35,877
and, uh,
a lone wolf's gotta hunt.
1738
01:13:37,177 --> 01:13:38,512
So where are you gonna go?
1739
01:13:38,646 --> 01:13:41,516
The direction's
the destination. West.
1740
01:13:43,818 --> 01:13:46,019
West is that way.
1741
01:13:46,153 --> 01:13:50,557
Yeah. Anyway, like the title of
a great Phil Collins song:
1742
01:13:50,691 --> 01:13:54,195
"If You Love Somebody,
Set Them Free."
1743
01:13:54,328 --> 01:13:55,480
Pretty sure that wasn't him.
1744
01:13:55,481 --> 01:13:56,631
Pretty sure it was.
1745
01:13:56,764 --> 01:13:57,915
No, it was someone else.
1746
01:13:57,916 --> 01:13:59,065
Pretty sure it was him.
1747
01:14:01,035 --> 01:14:02,670
Yeah. Peace.
1748
01:14:02,803 --> 01:14:07,274
Uh, I'm not much
for goodbyes, so...
1749
01:14:07,407 --> 01:14:08,942
Just don't say the pig thing.
1750
01:14:09,076 --> 01:14:11,045
Keep your tits dry.
1751
01:14:11,178 --> 01:14:13,447
- Oh, okay.
- Didn't see that coming, right?
1752
01:14:13,581 --> 01:14:15,382
I would've rather the pig thing.
1753
01:14:15,515 --> 01:14:16,617
[CHUCKLING]
1754
01:14:20,254 --> 01:14:21,255
Hey.
1755
01:14:22,689 --> 01:14:25,126
Hey, don't do nothing
I wouldn't not do.
1756
01:14:26,727 --> 01:14:27,762
You get what I'm saying.
1757
01:14:27,763 --> 01:14:28,796
Not really, no.
1758
01:14:28,929 --> 01:14:30,398
No? Okay.
1759
01:14:30,531 --> 01:14:31,532
[SOBBING]
1760
01:14:31,665 --> 01:14:34,534
Anyway, gonna miss you guys.
1761
01:14:36,537 --> 01:14:37,738
[SUCKS TEETH]
1762
01:14:37,871 --> 01:14:38,906
[SNIFFLES]
1763
01:14:41,007 --> 01:14:42,776
[MADISON WAILS]
1764
01:14:42,910 --> 01:14:44,912
I will never forget you,
what's-his-name.
1765
01:14:45,045 --> 01:14:47,114
- See you, pals.
- It's Tallahassee. I told you.
1766
01:14:47,247 --> 01:14:48,883
Sally Tally!
1767
01:14:49,016 --> 01:14:50,885
[SOBBING]
1768
01:14:53,754 --> 01:14:55,923
[TALLAHASSEE WHISTLING
"HOME ON THE RANGE"]
1769
01:14:59,026 --> 01:15:02,830
TALLAHASSEE:
♪ Give me a home
Where the buffalo roam ♪
1770
01:15:02,963 --> 01:15:07,435
♪ And the deer
And the antelope play ♪
1771
01:15:07,568 --> 01:15:11,905
♪ Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word ♪
1772
01:15:12,038 --> 01:15:13,574
♪ And the skies are not... ♪
1773
01:15:13,707 --> 01:15:15,643
- [LOUD THUD]
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
1774
01:15:17,544 --> 01:15:18,980
[♪♪♪]
1775
01:15:19,113 --> 01:15:20,480
[GROWLING]
1776
01:15:20,614 --> 01:15:22,416
T-800s.
1777
01:15:25,318 --> 01:15:26,420
That decides it.
1778
01:15:30,991 --> 01:15:32,659
[TIRES SQUEALING]
1779
01:15:39,733 --> 01:15:40,934
[STRUMMING FOLK TUNE]
1780
01:15:41,067 --> 01:15:42,336
♪ Kumbaya ♪
1781
01:15:43,771 --> 01:15:45,605
♪ Kumbaya, Buddha ♪
1782
01:15:45,739 --> 01:15:48,609
Everybody.
♪ Kumbaya ♪
1783
01:15:50,544 --> 01:15:52,813
MAN:
Coming to you. Oh!
1784
01:15:52,946 --> 01:15:54,915
There it is. Let's start again.
1785
01:15:55,048 --> 01:15:56,783
COLUMBUS:
Oh, it's all right.
I got it.
1786
01:15:56,917 --> 01:15:58,986
Excuse me. Yes. I got it.
1787
01:15:59,120 --> 01:16:01,155
- You're supposed to kick it back.
- Really?
1788
01:16:01,288 --> 01:16:02,773
You never seen hacky sack?
1789
01:16:02,774 --> 01:16:04,258
I thought it's like hopscotch.
1790
01:16:05,926 --> 01:16:07,194
Salty Taffy's back!
1791
01:16:07,195 --> 01:16:08,461
Holy shit!
1792
01:16:08,595 --> 01:16:11,965
Hey, T-800s, a whole swarm
of them, heading right this way.
1793
01:16:12,098 --> 01:16:16,235
Those goddamn fireworks
might as well be a dinner bell!
1794
01:16:16,369 --> 01:16:18,839
Stop the fireworks!
Stop the music!
1795
01:16:18,973 --> 01:16:20,806
Everybody shut the fuck up!
1796
01:16:20,941 --> 01:16:21,941
Shut up.
1797
01:16:22,042 --> 01:16:23,576
Question:
1798
01:16:23,710 --> 01:16:26,212
Did you melt all the weapons?
1799
01:16:26,346 --> 01:16:28,682
Yeah, that's how we made
these peace thingies.
1800
01:16:28,815 --> 01:16:30,617
- Oh, Jesus.
- My guns!
1801
01:16:30,751 --> 01:16:32,720
Hey. Hello.
I got something going.
1802
01:16:32,853 --> 01:16:34,555
I think I might have a plan.
1803
01:16:34,688 --> 01:16:35,706
Oh.
1804
01:16:35,707 --> 01:16:36,723
What?
1805
01:16:36,857 --> 01:16:39,659
Heh, I got nothing.
I'm just a songwriter.
1806
01:16:39,793 --> 01:16:41,529
No. No, you're
a song transcriber.
1807
01:16:41,662 --> 01:16:43,363
- Listen, Berkeley?
- Yeah?
1808
01:16:43,497 --> 01:16:45,199
I don't think this
is gonna work out.
1809
01:16:45,332 --> 01:16:46,700
Even 12-year-olds know
1810
01:16:46,833 --> 01:16:49,035
who Bob Dylan is,
you fucking poser.
1811
01:16:49,169 --> 01:16:52,173
Oh, my God. I'm not gonna lie,
I have truly enjoyed
1812
01:16:52,306 --> 01:16:54,842
this moment, but there
are zombies approaching.
1813
01:16:54,975 --> 01:16:58,979
Okay. Uh, Civil War general,
you must know how to fight?
1814
01:16:59,112 --> 01:17:00,246
Sure.
1815
01:17:00,380 --> 01:17:03,850
Poverty, sexism,
social injustice.
1816
01:17:03,984 --> 01:17:05,152
We could try running.
1817
01:17:05,153 --> 01:17:06,320
I'm done running.
1818
01:17:06,453 --> 01:17:09,456
I mean, what good is a home
if you can't stay in it?
1819
01:17:09,590 --> 01:17:10,808
Columbus.
1820
01:17:10,809 --> 01:17:12,025
Yes, Thor?
1821
01:17:12,158 --> 01:17:13,761
You're gonna make me
cry right now.
1822
01:17:13,894 --> 01:17:15,262
- No, please don't.
- Oh, my God.
1823
01:17:15,395 --> 01:17:17,131
Okay. I moved through it.
1824
01:17:17,264 --> 01:17:19,766
From where I stand, there's
only one thing we can do.
1825
01:17:19,900 --> 01:17:21,602
Group sex.
Right?
1826
01:17:23,036 --> 01:17:24,805
No. Um...
1827
01:17:26,106 --> 01:17:28,141
We'll fight them.
1828
01:17:28,274 --> 01:17:31,444
You'll be the first to die,
but I like your enthusiasm.
1829
01:17:31,578 --> 01:17:32,863
You might die.
1830
01:17:32,864 --> 01:17:34,148
Thank you for your sacrifice.
1831
01:17:35,682 --> 01:17:37,384
[♪♪♪]
1832
01:17:37,517 --> 01:17:39,620
TALLAHASSEE:
All right, everybody,
listen up.
1833
01:17:39,753 --> 01:17:43,557
They outnumber us 100 times,
but they ain't got what we do.
1834
01:17:43,690 --> 01:17:45,258
- Guns?
- We don't have guns.
1835
01:17:45,392 --> 01:17:46,827
- What?
- What we do have
1836
01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:50,263
Is heart, brains and biodiesel.
1837
01:17:50,397 --> 01:17:51,998
We're gonna light
these zombies up
1838
01:17:52,132 --> 01:17:54,068
like it's the Fourth of July.
1839
01:17:54,201 --> 01:17:55,835
Then we hit the stragglers.
1840
01:17:55,969 --> 01:17:58,305
What we do is
we form a gauntlet.
1841
01:17:58,439 --> 01:17:59,806
[YELLS]
1842
01:17:59,939 --> 01:18:02,109
One, two, three, yah!
1843
01:18:02,242 --> 01:18:03,426
Then we mop them up.
1844
01:18:03,427 --> 01:18:04,610
Sick.
1845
01:18:04,745 --> 01:18:06,130
This is gonna work, right?
1846
01:18:06,131 --> 01:18:07,514
It has to.
1847
01:18:07,647 --> 01:18:09,082
[♪♪♪]
1848
01:18:10,250 --> 01:18:12,953
[MOANING, GROWLING]
1849
01:18:17,858 --> 01:18:19,092
- Rolling. Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa!
1850
01:18:25,399 --> 01:18:26,633
- Keep screwing.
- Yeah, I am.
1851
01:18:26,766 --> 01:18:28,402
- Keep screwing.
- I am.
1852
01:18:43,083 --> 01:18:44,318
No turning back now.
1853
01:18:44,451 --> 01:18:47,087
LITTLE ROCK:
Okay, there we go.
1854
01:18:47,221 --> 01:18:48,322
Nice.
1855
01:18:51,458 --> 01:18:53,427
Yeah. Oh, that's gonna work.
1856
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,795
[WHISTLES, POPS]
1857
01:18:55,929 --> 01:18:57,130
- Oh!
- Oh, that's pretty.
1858
01:18:57,264 --> 01:18:58,797
That means the zombies
are coming!
1859
01:18:58,932 --> 01:19:00,500
MADISON:
The zombies are coming!
1860
01:19:00,633 --> 01:19:02,069
Time to nut up or shut up.
1861
01:19:02,070 --> 01:19:03,504
You need a new line.
1862
01:19:05,071 --> 01:19:06,707
Let's kick some dicks.
1863
01:19:06,840 --> 01:19:09,643
Just because it rhymes doesn't
make it a great catchphrase.
1864
01:19:09,776 --> 01:19:11,277
- What's her problem?
- I don't know.
1865
01:19:11,411 --> 01:19:13,214
I like it when it rhymes.
1866
01:19:14,681 --> 01:19:15,766
Here we go.
1867
01:19:15,767 --> 01:19:16,850
COLUMBUS: Okay.
1868
01:19:16,983 --> 01:19:18,552
[♪♪♪]
1869
01:19:19,820 --> 01:19:21,589
[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING]
1870
01:19:27,461 --> 01:19:28,494
[ALL GROWLING]
1871
01:19:28,629 --> 01:19:29,897
[ROARS]
1872
01:19:33,733 --> 01:19:35,369
- Zombies, they're coming!
- Oh, dear.
1873
01:19:35,502 --> 01:19:37,771
Look out, guys!
Here they come. They're coming!
1874
01:19:37,904 --> 01:19:39,073
Battle stations!
1875
01:19:42,709 --> 01:19:43,709
Light them up!
1876
01:20:00,160 --> 01:20:02,696
TALLAHASSEE:
Let's go, let's go!
Get up to safety.
1877
01:20:11,538 --> 01:20:13,440
[SCREECHING]
1878
01:20:17,977 --> 01:20:19,413
Here we go.
1879
01:20:31,691 --> 01:20:33,927
Okay now, blow!
1880
01:20:34,061 --> 01:20:38,198
Come on. Now would be
an ideal time to blow.
1881
01:20:38,331 --> 01:20:39,550
LITTLE ROCK: It's not working.
1882
01:20:39,551 --> 01:20:40,768
Damn!
1883
01:20:46,673 --> 01:20:47,673
God!
1884
01:20:47,707 --> 01:20:49,108
Holy shit.
It worked.
1885
01:20:49,242 --> 01:20:50,344
Oh, my God.
1886
01:20:50,345 --> 01:20:51,445
Okay.
1887
01:20:51,578 --> 01:20:53,714
Okay. Here, now we
mop up the stragglers.
1888
01:20:53,847 --> 01:20:55,315
Okay. Yeah.
1889
01:20:55,449 --> 01:20:57,117
[ZOMBIES SHRIEKING, GROWLING]
1890
01:20:58,852 --> 01:21:00,053
Oh, shit.
1891
01:21:00,186 --> 01:21:01,955
Would those be
considered stragglers?
1892
01:21:02,089 --> 01:21:03,924
TALLAHASSEE:
Oh, boy. Here they come.
1893
01:21:05,258 --> 01:21:06,827
Get ready!
1894
01:21:16,837 --> 01:21:19,773
Kill those motherfuckers!
1895
01:21:19,907 --> 01:21:21,708
[ALL GRUNTING]
1896
01:21:29,015 --> 01:21:30,617
[♪♪♪]
1897
01:21:34,154 --> 01:21:37,457
Well, guys, I hate to say this.
1898
01:21:37,590 --> 01:21:39,960
I think this might be
the end of the road.
1899
01:21:42,795 --> 01:21:44,197
- Come here.
- I love you guys.
1900
01:21:44,330 --> 01:21:46,300
- I love you more.
- We had a hell of a run.
1901
01:21:49,102 --> 01:21:50,571
Oh, my God.
They're gonna die.
1902
01:21:54,341 --> 01:21:56,910
[CAR HORN BLASTS "DIXIE"]
1903
01:21:57,043 --> 01:21:58,479
[ENGINE RUMBLES]
1904
01:22:02,382 --> 01:22:03,517
Oh!
1905
01:22:06,820 --> 01:22:07,888
Hey!
1906
01:22:11,324 --> 01:22:12,324
[GROWLS]
1907
01:22:14,828 --> 01:22:17,196
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
1908
01:22:17,330 --> 01:22:19,233
Thank God for rednecks!
1909
01:22:27,808 --> 01:22:29,341
- Need a ride?
- Oh, yeah.
1910
01:22:29,476 --> 01:22:30,911
- Get in.
- Let's go!
1911
01:22:35,014 --> 01:22:36,633
Are y'all strapped in yet?
1912
01:22:36,634 --> 01:22:38,251
Yep. Strapping in now.
1913
01:22:38,385 --> 01:22:40,187
- Rule four. Got it.
- You too.
1914
01:22:40,320 --> 01:22:43,023
I'm not a pussy like Columbus.
Nothing personal.
1915
01:22:44,457 --> 01:22:45,726
- Oh, God!
- Shit!
1916
01:22:45,859 --> 01:22:47,361
- Seatbelts are for a reason.
- Yep.
1917
01:22:51,497 --> 01:22:53,166
I'm feeling a little nauseous.
1918
01:22:53,299 --> 01:22:54,517
Can somebody crack a window?
1919
01:22:54,518 --> 01:22:55,734
Oh, no, you don't.
1920
01:22:55,869 --> 01:22:57,437
TALLAHASSEE:
Whoa!
1921
01:22:57,570 --> 01:22:59,106
- Roll down the window.
- That won't...
1922
01:22:59,239 --> 01:23:01,241
If you get sick,
we all get sick.
1923
01:23:03,043 --> 01:23:04,778
TALLAHASSEE:
Woo-hoo!
1924
01:23:04,911 --> 01:23:06,613
Okay, okay. Oh, God.
1925
01:23:06,747 --> 01:23:08,749
Could you pull over
so I can get eaten?
1926
01:23:08,882 --> 01:23:10,117
It'll be more comfortable.
1927
01:23:13,553 --> 01:23:15,789
Whoo!
1928
01:23:15,923 --> 01:23:17,291
- Oh, shit. Watch out!
- Do it!
1929
01:23:18,725 --> 01:23:21,128
[ALL SCREAMING]
1930
01:23:22,696 --> 01:23:23,796
TALLAHASSEE:
Woo-hoo!
1931
01:23:25,932 --> 01:23:28,502
Oh, my God, you are sexy.
1932
01:23:28,635 --> 01:23:31,271
Can you not say "sexy"?
I'm already nauseous.
1933
01:23:35,075 --> 01:23:36,476
[ALL YELLING]
1934
01:23:36,610 --> 01:23:39,513
Shit, Shit, shit!
Oh, shit.
1935
01:23:40,747 --> 01:23:41,748
Shit.
1936
01:23:41,881 --> 01:23:43,183
- Shit!
- WICHITA: You guys okay?
1937
01:23:43,316 --> 01:23:44,952
Thank you for flying
Big Fat Death.
1938
01:23:45,085 --> 01:23:46,418
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
1939
01:23:46,552 --> 01:23:48,622
I told you these things
were a rollover risk!
1940
01:23:48,755 --> 01:23:50,290
- NEVADA: We gotta move!
- Come on!
1941
01:23:50,424 --> 01:23:53,158
Hurry! Hurry! They're coming!
1942
01:23:53,293 --> 01:23:55,128
- Oh, no!
- Come on! Here they come!
1943
01:23:55,262 --> 01:23:56,797
- Go, go, go!
- Shit.
1944
01:23:57,931 --> 01:23:59,165
- Come on!
- Oh, shit!
1945
01:23:59,299 --> 01:24:01,600
TALLAHASSEE:
Come on!
1946
01:24:01,735 --> 01:24:03,103
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
1947
01:24:05,405 --> 01:24:06,405
Whoa!
1948
01:24:11,578 --> 01:24:12,578
- Thank you.
- Thank you!
1949
01:24:12,613 --> 01:24:14,214
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
1950
01:24:14,347 --> 01:24:15,816
Here they come!
1951
01:24:15,949 --> 01:24:18,018
[♪♪♪]
1952
01:24:20,754 --> 01:24:22,556
- Go, get in. Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
1953
01:24:26,393 --> 01:24:27,261
WICHITA:
Run!
1954
01:24:27,394 --> 01:24:28,394
[GUNFIRE]
1955
01:24:30,430 --> 01:24:31,965
I'm out of bullets!
1956
01:24:31,966 --> 01:24:33,500
Guys, go! I'm right behind you!
1957
01:24:36,603 --> 01:24:39,672
Get in position! Form the
gauntlet! I'll hold them off!
1958
01:24:42,976 --> 01:24:45,312
Donkey Kong, motherfuckers!
1959
01:24:46,813 --> 01:24:49,315
[♪♪♪]
1960
01:25:10,670 --> 01:25:13,038
COLUMBUS:
You can't write the
history of Zombieland
1961
01:25:13,173 --> 01:25:16,876
without telling the story
of one momentous day.
1962
01:25:17,010 --> 01:25:19,879
The day one free man
made the ultimate sacrifice
1963
01:25:20,013 --> 01:25:23,015
and paid respect
to the Blackfoot ancestors
1964
01:25:23,149 --> 01:25:25,018
he may or may not have had.
1965
01:25:27,086 --> 01:25:30,524
The day he led the first,
the last, the only
1966
01:25:30,657 --> 01:25:32,025
great American zombie jump.
1967
01:25:41,001 --> 01:25:42,202
[YELLS]
1968
01:25:53,079 --> 01:25:54,548
- [SCREAMS]
- [GRUNTING]
1969
01:26:00,687 --> 01:26:02,288
Zombie Kill of the Year?
1970
01:26:02,422 --> 01:26:03,957
COLUMBUS:
Century.
1971
01:26:04,091 --> 01:26:06,593
Only one problem.
Well, okay, two.
1972
01:26:06,726 --> 01:26:08,161
[BOTH GROWLING]
1973
01:26:09,429 --> 01:26:10,429
Oh!
1974
01:26:12,932 --> 01:26:15,134
[TALLAHASSEE SCREAMS]
1975
01:26:15,268 --> 01:26:16,970
- Hey!
- NEVADA: Tallahassee!
1976
01:26:17,103 --> 01:26:18,455
Hang on, we're coming.
1977
01:26:18,456 --> 01:26:19,806
LITTLE ROCK: Hold on.
1978
01:26:19,939 --> 01:26:21,140
- Help! I'm falling!
- Shit!
1979
01:26:21,274 --> 01:26:23,009
NEVADA:
We can't help you.
1980
01:26:23,143 --> 01:26:24,511
Guys! Help me!
1981
01:26:24,644 --> 01:26:25,829
Shit. What should we do?
1982
01:26:25,830 --> 01:26:27,013
Throw something at them.
1983
01:26:27,146 --> 01:26:29,783
Oh, shit. Okay. Shit. Sorry.
1984
01:26:29,916 --> 01:26:32,752
Wha... You hit me in the nuts
with a hacky sack!
1985
01:26:32,886 --> 01:26:33,987
- Sorry.
- What?
1986
01:26:34,121 --> 01:26:36,556
I'm losing my grip.
I'm gonna fall.
1987
01:26:37,924 --> 01:26:40,127
No! Oh, no!
1988
01:26:40,260 --> 01:26:41,128
[GUNSHOT]
1989
01:26:41,261 --> 01:26:42,462
[SCREAMS]
1990
01:26:44,964 --> 01:26:45,964
[THUD]
1991
01:26:47,433 --> 01:26:49,636
[♪♪♪]
1992
01:26:49,769 --> 01:26:51,271
[PANTING]
1993
01:26:54,040 --> 01:26:55,676
[IMITATES ELVIS]
Long live the King.
1994
01:26:57,077 --> 01:26:58,128
Oh.
1995
01:26:58,129 --> 01:26:59,179
MADISON: Ew.
1996
01:26:59,312 --> 01:27:01,114
Guys! I'm still here!
1997
01:27:01,247 --> 01:27:03,082
- Give me your hand!
- WICHITA: Hold my arm.
1998
01:27:03,216 --> 01:27:05,752
- LITTLE ROCK: Kick your foot out.
- Goddamn it, Columbus!
1999
01:27:05,885 --> 01:27:07,187
Point your toe!
2000
01:27:07,320 --> 01:27:08,989
This human chain thing
is a terrible idea!
2001
01:27:09,122 --> 01:27:10,362
- Guh!
- WICHITA: I can't reach.
2002
01:27:10,490 --> 01:27:12,192
Kick it, kick it. I got it.
2003
01:27:12,325 --> 01:27:13,827
Pull, pull.
2004
01:27:13,960 --> 01:27:15,795
Okay. I got you.
2005
01:27:15,928 --> 01:27:17,130
Okay.
2006
01:27:17,263 --> 01:27:19,332
Oh, man. Are you okay?
2007
01:27:19,465 --> 01:27:21,201
- Yeah.
- That was amazing.
2008
01:27:21,334 --> 01:27:23,303
Oh... Thank you.
2009
01:27:24,604 --> 01:27:25,605
Hey.
2010
01:27:28,507 --> 01:27:29,843
You kept the gun?
2011
01:27:29,976 --> 01:27:32,311
How could I give up
my favorite Christmas present?
2012
01:27:32,445 --> 01:27:34,013
Why didn't you
pull it out sooner?
2013
01:27:34,146 --> 01:27:36,582
I forget about it but...
I smoked a lot of weed.
2014
01:27:36,716 --> 01:27:38,651
[LAUGHS]
2015
01:27:38,785 --> 01:27:40,220
Chip off the old block.
2016
01:27:43,523 --> 01:27:45,224
Yes.
2017
01:27:45,358 --> 01:27:47,728
Yes?
Oh, yes, yes?
2018
01:27:48,861 --> 01:27:49,861
Yes, yes.
2019
01:27:51,398 --> 01:27:52,431
Yes, yes, yes?
2020
01:27:52,565 --> 01:27:54,334
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes?
2021
01:27:54,467 --> 01:27:55,535
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
2022
01:27:57,971 --> 01:27:59,606
What changed your mind?
2023
01:27:59,739 --> 01:28:02,442
Because Zombieland or not,
we're meant to be together.
2024
01:28:04,077 --> 01:28:05,746
[♪♪♪]
2025
01:28:05,879 --> 01:28:10,550
So basically, that means
this belongs to her.
2026
01:28:10,684 --> 01:28:13,619
Oh, hm. Cool.
2027
01:28:13,753 --> 01:28:15,288
Thank you.
2028
01:28:15,421 --> 01:28:16,756
Okay.
2029
01:28:16,889 --> 01:28:17,924
[CHUCKLES]
2030
01:28:19,259 --> 01:28:21,092
- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yeah.
2031
01:28:21,227 --> 01:28:22,429
- Okay. I'm good.
- Okay.
2032
01:28:22,562 --> 01:28:24,931
- Yeah, do the damn thing. Yeah.
- Okay.
2033
01:28:25,065 --> 01:28:26,583
Great. Which hand do I...?
2034
01:28:26,584 --> 01:28:28,101
This one.
2035
01:28:28,234 --> 01:28:29,603
- Okay.
- Okay, yes. Here we go.
2036
01:28:34,140 --> 01:28:35,542
Wow.
2037
01:28:36,743 --> 01:28:38,011
Come here.
2038
01:28:41,348 --> 01:28:42,381
[SIGHS]
2039
01:28:42,515 --> 01:28:44,584
Nicely done.
2040
01:28:44,718 --> 01:28:48,555
I'm gonna walk that little
spitfuck down the aisle.
2041
01:28:48,688 --> 01:28:51,224
It's a good thing
you didn't die, then.
2042
01:28:51,358 --> 01:28:52,626
Washoe County.
2043
01:28:55,194 --> 01:28:56,546
What?
2044
01:28:56,547 --> 01:28:57,898
Washoe County, Nevada.
2045
01:28:58,031 --> 01:28:59,765
Ah, Reno.
2046
01:28:59,899 --> 01:29:01,802
Biggest little city
in the world.
2047
01:29:09,342 --> 01:29:10,502
- Just go for it.
- Thank you.
2048
01:29:10,610 --> 01:29:12,212
- Sweet.
- Oh, my God.
2049
01:29:12,345 --> 01:29:13,546
[GROANING]
2050
01:29:13,679 --> 01:29:14,679
What? What?
2051
01:29:14,780 --> 01:29:16,316
- Oh, my gosh!
- Shit!
2052
01:29:17,684 --> 01:29:19,652
[YELLS]
2053
01:29:19,786 --> 01:29:21,221
[THUDS]
2054
01:29:21,354 --> 01:29:23,139
Homer. It's a long way down.
2055
01:29:23,140 --> 01:29:24,924
Our work here is done.
2056
01:29:25,057 --> 01:29:26,492
Let's party!
2057
01:29:26,625 --> 01:29:28,094
- Come on!
- Yeah!
2058
01:29:29,262 --> 01:29:30,329
WICHITA:
Wait for me.
2059
01:29:30,463 --> 01:29:31,731
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
2060
01:29:31,864 --> 01:29:34,134
[♪♪♪]
2061
01:29:53,319 --> 01:29:58,291
Hell, this is
a 1955 Fleetwood Series 60. Hoo!
2062
01:29:58,424 --> 01:30:02,494
Every hair on my body
feels like a little wang.
2063
01:30:02,629 --> 01:30:03,747
Yikes.
2064
01:30:03,748 --> 01:30:04,864
Where to?
2065
01:30:04,998 --> 01:30:07,300
Mm, how about home?
2066
01:30:07,433 --> 01:30:08,433
Home?
2067
01:30:08,534 --> 01:30:09,669
- Yeah.
- Yes, good idea.
2068
01:30:11,671 --> 01:30:12,706
Where's home?
2069
01:30:14,340 --> 01:30:16,976
I think we're already there.
2070
01:30:17,110 --> 01:30:18,678
COLUMBUS:
Because if our adventures
2071
01:30:18,812 --> 01:30:21,347
had taught us about anything,
it was home.
2072
01:30:21,480 --> 01:30:23,516
Wichita didn't need
to be afraid of it.
2073
01:30:23,649 --> 01:30:25,551
I didn't need
to keep looking for it.
2074
01:30:25,684 --> 01:30:29,355
Because home isn't a place,
it's the people you're with.
2075
01:30:29,489 --> 01:30:31,657
I guess that's why
they're called your homies.
2076
01:30:31,791 --> 01:30:33,893
And my homies
are pretty fucking awesome.
2077
01:30:34,026 --> 01:30:36,496
So till next time,
this is Columbus, Ohio,
2078
01:30:36,629 --> 01:30:38,697
on behalf of Wichita,
Little Rock,
2079
01:30:38,831 --> 01:30:39,998
Reno and Tallahassee,
2080
01:30:40,133 --> 01:30:43,836
saying hasta la vista, baby.
2081
01:30:43,969 --> 01:30:45,371
That one's for you, Flagstaff.
2082
01:30:45,504 --> 01:30:46,639
[ZOMBIE GROANS]
2083
01:30:46,772 --> 01:30:49,676
[♪♪♪]
2084
01:30:52,045 --> 01:30:56,515
♪ Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising ♪
2085
01:30:58,651 --> 01:31:00,253
♪ Higher, higher ♪
2086
01:31:00,386 --> 01:31:02,822
♪ It's burning through
To my soul... ♪
2087
01:31:05,692 --> 01:31:07,893
COLUMBUS:
Oh, hey. Yeah, sorry.
One more thing.
2088
01:31:08,027 --> 01:31:10,496
I'm feeling a little guilty
about what Nevada said.
2089
01:31:10,630 --> 01:31:13,166
You know, about Murraying
a certain you-know-who?
2090
01:31:13,299 --> 01:31:14,900
Yeah, my bad.
I blew a hole
2091
01:31:15,034 --> 01:31:17,337
through the finest comic actor
of our generation.
2092
01:31:17,470 --> 01:31:19,939
But I would love to make it up
to you, to all of you.
2093
01:31:20,072 --> 01:31:22,675
And for that,
we gotta go back to 2009.
2094
01:31:22,808 --> 01:31:24,043
[♪♪♪]
2095
01:31:26,212 --> 01:31:27,446
Welcome, everyone,
2096
01:31:27,580 --> 01:31:29,582
to the Garfield 3: Flabby Tabby
junket.
2097
01:31:29,716 --> 01:31:31,117
You'll each have five minutes.
2098
01:31:31,251 --> 01:31:33,418
Please keep your questions
focused on the film
2099
01:31:33,553 --> 01:31:35,121
and don't go off-topic.
2100
01:31:35,255 --> 01:31:37,290
MURRAY:
The idea of a trilogy
was something...
2101
01:31:37,423 --> 01:31:40,759
As an artist,
you think the great ones:
2102
01:31:40,893 --> 01:31:42,729
Godfather and...
2103
01:31:42,862 --> 01:31:44,830
uh, Lethal Weapon.
2104
01:31:44,964 --> 01:31:48,667
But the question is,
why in the world Garfield 3?
2105
01:31:48,801 --> 01:31:50,970
- Can this be just between us?
- Yes.
2106
01:31:51,103 --> 01:31:53,005
Drugs cost money.
2107
01:31:53,139 --> 01:31:54,741
And I have to say, as an actor,
2108
01:31:54,874 --> 01:31:57,443
how many of your nine lives
do you think you have left?
2109
01:31:57,576 --> 01:32:00,980
Well, I've done three of these.
Three Garfields.
2110
01:32:01,114 --> 01:32:02,281
So that's six.
2111
01:32:02,415 --> 01:32:04,250
The essence of Garfield,
I think...
2112
01:32:04,383 --> 01:32:05,383
MURRAY:
Right.
2113
01:32:05,451 --> 01:32:07,520
Is the hairball.
2114
01:32:07,653 --> 01:32:09,989
Didn't I say? I had a feeling
this would come up.
2115
01:32:10,122 --> 01:32:12,092
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
2116
01:32:14,627 --> 01:32:16,696
You don't wanna do the hairball
really quick?
2117
01:32:16,830 --> 01:32:18,464
- No.
- Can you try now?
2118
01:32:18,598 --> 01:32:19,816
Give me a little hairball now?
2119
01:32:19,817 --> 01:32:21,033
Come on.
2120
01:32:21,167 --> 01:32:22,802
[RETCHING]
2121
01:32:23,969 --> 01:32:25,038
- Come on.
- [GAGGING]
2122
01:32:28,240 --> 01:32:30,843
[CROAKING]
2123
01:32:30,977 --> 01:32:32,979
You know, how about if I
did it with you?
2124
01:32:33,112 --> 01:32:34,980
- Okay. Come on. Come on.
- That was close.
2125
01:32:35,114 --> 01:32:36,549
We'll do a selfie together.
2126
01:32:36,682 --> 01:32:38,451
- [BOTH GROANING]
- [SHUTTER CLICKING]
2127
01:32:38,585 --> 01:32:39,885
Great. Great.
2128
01:32:40,019 --> 01:32:42,922
[BOTH GAGGING]
2129
01:32:43,055 --> 01:32:44,690
You all right, man?
2130
01:32:44,824 --> 01:32:45,824
[GASPS]
2131
01:32:45,891 --> 01:32:46,993
All over the mike.
2132
01:32:47,126 --> 01:32:48,594
Can we get a baby wipe for Al?
2133
01:32:48,728 --> 01:32:50,363
Maybe move him back to his room?
2134
01:32:50,496 --> 01:32:51,496
[GROANING]
2135
01:32:51,564 --> 01:32:53,967
[SCREAMING]
2136
01:32:57,236 --> 01:32:59,005
Huge fan, Mr. Roker.
2137
01:33:01,340 --> 01:33:03,342
All right, Tim,
let's get out of here.
2138
01:33:03,476 --> 01:33:05,344
Somebody get my car.
I'm ready to go.
2139
01:33:05,478 --> 01:33:07,346
I've never seen Roker
behave that way.
2140
01:33:07,479 --> 01:33:08,714
That was crazy.
2141
01:33:08,848 --> 01:33:10,783
Sometimes it feels like
you against the world.
2142
01:33:10,917 --> 01:33:12,218
- Oh, my God.
- I think it is.
2143
01:33:12,351 --> 01:33:13,353
[SCREAMS]
2144
01:33:15,588 --> 01:33:16,823
[ROARS]
2145
01:33:16,956 --> 01:33:18,391
[♪♪♪]
2146
01:33:18,524 --> 01:33:19,525
Oh, dear.
2147
01:33:19,658 --> 01:33:21,127
♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪
2148
01:33:21,260 --> 01:33:22,795
[CHUCKLES]
2149
01:33:22,928 --> 01:33:24,064
Excuse me?
2150
01:33:26,599 --> 01:33:27,800
[BONES CRACK]
2151
01:33:27,934 --> 01:33:30,403
♪ Do what you like ♪
2152
01:33:30,536 --> 01:33:32,203
♪ Doing it naturally ♪
2153
01:33:32,338 --> 01:33:33,906
Nice!
2154
01:33:34,039 --> 01:33:36,475
♪ But if it's too easy ♪
2155
01:33:36,609 --> 01:33:37,810
♪ They're gonna disagree ♪
2156
01:33:37,943 --> 01:33:39,177
MAN:
Help me!
2157
01:33:39,311 --> 01:33:42,382
♪ It's your life ♪
2158
01:33:42,515 --> 01:33:45,085
Bill Murray! I love some
of your films. Help me!
2159
01:33:48,387 --> 01:33:49,923
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
2160
01:33:54,494 --> 01:33:56,463
Buenas tardes, señorita.
2161
01:34:00,766 --> 01:34:02,634
I hate Mondays.
2162
01:34:02,768 --> 01:34:07,940
♪ Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising ♪
2163
01:34:10,242 --> 01:34:11,878
♪ Higher, higher ♪
2164
01:34:12,011 --> 01:34:14,647
♪ It's burning through
To my soul ♪
2165
01:34:16,883 --> 01:34:18,451
♪ Girl, girl, girl ♪
2166
01:34:18,584 --> 01:34:21,588
♪ You gonna set me on fire ♪
2167
01:34:23,523 --> 01:34:25,123
♪ My brain is flaming ♪
2168
01:34:25,257 --> 01:34:27,727
♪ I don't know
Which way to go ♪
2169
01:34:29,963 --> 01:34:33,232
♪ And your kisses
Lift me higher ♪
2170
01:34:33,365 --> 01:34:36,603
♪ Like the sweet song
Of a choir ♪
2171
01:34:36,736 --> 01:34:39,104
♪ And you light
My morning sky ♪
2172
01:34:39,238 --> 01:34:41,741
♪ With your burning love ♪
2173
01:34:43,742 --> 01:34:45,244
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
2174
01:34:45,377 --> 01:34:50,149
♪ I feel
My temperature rising, yeah ♪
2175
01:34:50,283 --> 01:34:51,884
♪ Well, help me, I'm flaming ♪
2176
01:34:52,018 --> 01:34:56,822
♪ I must be
A hundred and nine, wow ♪
2177
01:34:56,956 --> 01:34:58,658
♪ Burning, burning ♪
2178
01:34:58,791 --> 01:35:02,996
♪ Burning
And nothing can cool me, oh ♪
2179
01:35:03,129 --> 01:35:05,898
♪ I just might turn
Into smoke ♪
2180
01:35:06,032 --> 01:35:08,168
♪ But I feel fine ♪
2181
01:35:09,902 --> 01:35:12,971
♪ Because your kisses
Lift me higher ♪
2182
01:35:13,105 --> 01:35:16,509
♪ Like the sweet song
Of a choir ♪
2183
01:35:16,642 --> 01:35:19,111
♪ And you light
My morning sky ♪
2184
01:35:19,244 --> 01:35:23,782
♪ With your burning love
Yeah ♪
2185
01:35:23,916 --> 01:35:26,786
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
2186
01:35:26,920 --> 01:35:30,122
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
2187
01:35:30,256 --> 01:35:34,494
♪ Ah, ah, ah
Burning love ♪
2188
01:35:36,795 --> 01:35:38,464
♪ It's coming closer ♪
2189
01:35:38,598 --> 01:35:43,601
♪ The flames are now
Reachin' my body, oh ♪
2190
01:35:43,736 --> 01:35:45,271
♪ Please, won't you help me ♪
2191
01:35:45,404 --> 01:35:50,209
♪ I feel like
I'm slippin' away, oh ♪
2192
01:35:50,342 --> 01:35:51,911
♪ It's hard to breathe ♪
2193
01:35:52,045 --> 01:35:54,681
♪ Oh, and my chest
Is a-heaving ♪
2194
01:35:56,849 --> 01:35:58,583
♪ Oh, Lord have mercy ♪
2195
01:35:58,718 --> 01:36:01,521
♪ I'm burning a hole
where I lay ♪
2196
01:36:03,355 --> 01:36:06,425
♪ 'Cause your kisses
Lift me higher ♪
2197
01:36:06,558 --> 01:36:10,028
♪ Like the sweet song
Of a choir ♪
2198
01:36:10,162 --> 01:36:12,498
♪ And you light
My morning sky ♪
2199
01:36:12,632 --> 01:36:14,934
♪ With your burning love ♪
2200
01:36:15,067 --> 01:36:18,404
♪ Yeah, your burning love ♪
2201
01:36:18,538 --> 01:36:21,573
♪ Ah, your burning love ♪
2202
01:36:21,707 --> 01:36:23,342
♪ Ooh ♪
2203
01:36:23,476 --> 01:36:26,445
♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
2204
01:36:26,579 --> 01:36:30,048
♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
2205
01:36:30,182 --> 01:36:33,085
♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
2206
01:36:33,219 --> 01:36:36,421
♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
2207
01:36:36,555 --> 01:36:39,691
♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
2208
01:36:39,825 --> 01:36:43,029
♪ I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
2209
01:36:43,162 --> 01:36:46,099
♪ Burning love, yeah ♪
2210
01:36:46,232 --> 01:36:51,703
♪ Burning love, nah ♪
2211
01:36:55,307 --> 01:36:57,610
[♪♪♪]
2212
01:37:53,098 --> 01:37:55,001
[♪♪♪]
2213
01:38:17,990 --> 01:38:19,892
[♪♪♪]
2214
01:38:34,340 --> 01:38:36,009
[GAGGING]
2215
01:38:40,479 --> 01:38:42,982
Oh, pardon. En español,
it's like:
2216
01:38:43,115 --> 01:38:44,984
[HIGH-PITCHED GAGGING]
2217
01:38:45,117 --> 01:38:47,020
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
2218
01:38:50,489 --> 01:38:52,592
P... P... Pardon my accent.
153965
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