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1
00:00:05,393 --> 00:00:08,142
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:13,518 --> 00:00:14,810
Larry:
Hey!
3
00:00:15,810 --> 00:00:17,643
-Look what I got.
-Wow.
4
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,685
My old glove.
Oh, baby doll.
5
00:00:20,768 --> 00:00:22,810
-I had this when
I was eight years old.
-Wow, man.
6
00:00:22,893 --> 00:00:25,017
Oh, my God.
Do you know how many errors
I made with this glove?
7
00:00:25,101 --> 00:00:26,810
-Shit.
-Never should have
played the infield.
8
00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:28,351
-I don't know why I did.
-Yeah, man.
9
00:00:28,434 --> 00:00:30,226
Yeah. Shortstop.
I can't play short.
10
00:00:30,309 --> 00:00:31,976
-Nah.
-I ran home,
I'd go home crying.
11
00:00:32,059 --> 00:00:33,851
Making errors every,
every time I played.
12
00:00:33,935 --> 00:00:35,893
It's hard playing infield
with polio, you know?
13
00:00:35,976 --> 00:00:39,434
-I don't have polio, asshole.
-Every kid with those
kind of gloves had polio.
14
00:00:39,518 --> 00:00:41,142
Well, you know what?
I'm throwing it out.
15
00:00:41,226 --> 00:00:42,601
Everything's going.
My-- I--
16
00:00:42,685 --> 00:00:44,142
Do you believe all this shit
my parents saved?
17
00:00:44,226 --> 00:00:46,184
I'm getting rid of all of it.
I can't stand it anymore.
18
00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:47,726
Should drop this shit off
at a nursing home.
19
00:00:47,810 --> 00:00:50,559
-Oh. Look at this thing.
-Oh, fuck.
20
00:00:50,643 --> 00:00:52,685
-My mother's mink stole.
-Shh...
21
00:00:52,768 --> 00:00:55,434
-Ooh, she loved this stole.
-Wow.
22
00:00:55,518 --> 00:00:57,476
-Fuckin' beautiful.
-Yeah. I can't throw this out.
23
00:00:57,559 --> 00:00:58,810
I'm sending it
to the dry cleaner.
24
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,476
Those are making
a big comeback, too.
25
00:01:00,559 --> 00:01:01,976
-Comeback?
-Yeah.
26
00:01:02,059 --> 00:01:03,476
See, when they wore
those things,
27
00:01:03,559 --> 00:01:06,393
ladies and gentlemen
carried themselves
a certain way.
28
00:01:06,476 --> 00:01:09,393
All the, all the guys
called the ladies "toots."
"Hey, toots."
29
00:01:09,476 --> 00:01:12,393
And the girls would go,
"Poo-poo-be-doop."
♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪
30
00:01:12,476 --> 00:01:14,142
-That's how they did it
back in the day.
-What does that even mean?
31
00:01:14,226 --> 00:01:16,059
-Why would they say,
"Poo-poo-be-doop"?
-It's a cute thing.
32
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:17,393
It gets a rise out of guys
and shit.
33
00:01:17,476 --> 00:01:18,685
♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪
34
00:01:18,768 --> 00:01:20,017
That would get a rise
out of you? A woman going,
35
00:01:20,101 --> 00:01:21,351
-"Poo-poo-be-doop"?
-Fuck, yeah.
36
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:22,726
-If I lived
in the fuckin' '40s...
-Yeah.
37
00:01:22,810 --> 00:01:24,226
...and some girl said,
♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪
38
00:01:24,309 --> 00:01:26,935
-I'd know
I'm tappin' that ass.
-(phone beeps)
39
00:01:27,017 --> 00:01:29,768
Ah. A text from Jeff.
40
00:01:29,851 --> 00:01:31,976
He's got--
You know Clive Owen?
He's a new client?
41
00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:33,768
-Yeah, yeah.
-He's in previews now,
42
00:01:33,851 --> 00:01:35,893
and I'm going
to his show tonight.
It's a one-man show.
43
00:01:35,976 --> 00:01:39,101
-I love that motherfucker--
-Yeah. He's like lost at sea
or something.
44
00:01:39,184 --> 00:01:40,768
Oh, Jeff's very excited,
'cause, you know,
45
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,434
he signed Clive Owen,
he's a big deal.
46
00:01:42,518 --> 00:01:43,893
-Big fuckin' deal, man.
Clive Owen, man.
-(doorbell rings)
47
00:01:43,976 --> 00:01:45,434
-I love that fuckin' dude, man.
-Let me get that.
48
00:01:45,518 --> 00:01:46,685
All right.
49
00:01:47,393 --> 00:01:48,810
(door opens)
50
00:01:49,518 --> 00:01:51,393
Must have been nice.
51
00:01:51,476 --> 00:01:53,184
Tappin' that ass
back in the days.
52
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:55,184
Fuckin' in black and white.
53
00:02:06,101 --> 00:02:08,518
Hey. Larry.
Got a package for you.
54
00:02:11,726 --> 00:02:13,559
Oh. Thanks.
55
00:02:17,976 --> 00:02:20,184
Have a nice day.
56
00:02:21,393 --> 00:02:23,267
(sighs)
57
00:02:26,559 --> 00:02:29,101
-Hey.
-Leon: Trying to
work me today, man.
58
00:02:29,184 --> 00:02:31,726
I got a package
from discreet shipping.
59
00:02:31,810 --> 00:02:34,101
The fuck could that be?
(laughs)
60
00:02:36,685 --> 00:02:39,476
(Leon laughing)
61
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,476
-Oh, shit.
-An inflatable sex doll.
62
00:02:41,559 --> 00:02:44,226
-Wow.
-Huh? Is this your handiwork?
63
00:02:44,309 --> 00:02:46,226
Nah. That shit is old-school.
64
00:02:46,309 --> 00:02:48,017
That's like
Mary Ann from fuckin'
Gilligan's Island.
65
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,685
Oh. You know who sent this?
Freddy Funkhouser.
66
00:02:50,768 --> 00:02:52,142
It's Marty's half-brother.
67
00:02:52,226 --> 00:02:53,476
-Why would
the motherfucker send you--
-I don't know.
68
00:02:53,559 --> 00:02:55,017
-What is this?
Is this a joke?
-Yeah.
69
00:02:55,101 --> 00:02:56,768
It's an old-school
joke right here, man.
70
00:02:56,851 --> 00:02:59,017
The new ones, they got
one that's sensitive
around the fuckin' neck.
71
00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:01,101
You could put hickeys
on that motherfucker
if you wanted to, man.
72
00:03:01,184 --> 00:03:03,017
-I'm glad they're working on it.
-You should,
it's fucking fabulous.
73
00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:05,976
Hey, do me a favor.
Get rid of this, okay?
And this place--
74
00:03:06,059 --> 00:03:08,184
-What's happened to this place?
-Fuckin' mess, man.
75
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:09,601
-It's a mess.
-Yeah.
76
00:03:09,685 --> 00:03:12,059
-So just throw this
box out, will ya?
-Ha-ha-ha.
77
00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:13,685
-Will you take care
of that? Huh?
-I got it, man.
78
00:03:13,768 --> 00:03:15,559
-I'll get rid
of this shit for you.
-Thank you.
79
00:03:16,476 --> 00:03:19,226
-So, bathroom's
gonna be over there.
-Yeah. Yep.
80
00:03:19,309 --> 00:03:21,101
-Two urinals.
-Mm-hmm.
81
00:03:21,184 --> 00:03:23,184
I got a lot of ideas
for the urinals.
82
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:26,518
-You wanna redesign a urinal?
-Yeah. Exactly.
83
00:03:26,601 --> 00:03:30,226
The splashing, the puddles--
that has to be eliminated.
84
00:03:30,309 --> 00:03:31,559
-It's a big issue. Yeah.
-Okay.
85
00:03:31,643 --> 00:03:32,935
What I wanted, I want
86
00:03:33,017 --> 00:03:35,184
-two planks
about this wide.
-Okay.
87
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:37,810
-Going up, you walk up
to the urinal. I'm walking--
-You want it elevated?
88
00:03:37,893 --> 00:03:40,893
-Elevated planks. Your feet
never touch the ground.
-Right.
89
00:03:40,976 --> 00:03:43,851
-Why?
-That's where
the puddles are.
90
00:03:43,935 --> 00:03:45,893
What if they get urine
on the planks?
91
00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:47,768
Well, that can't happen,
92
00:03:47,851 --> 00:03:49,685
because of this.
93
00:03:50,351 --> 00:03:52,393
That, my friend,
is the pee cube.
94
00:03:52,476 --> 00:03:53,935
-The pee cube?
-Yes.
95
00:03:54,017 --> 00:03:57,309
You pee into the cube,
and there's a chute
that goes down.
96
00:03:57,393 --> 00:03:59,601
Maybe we can get a--
create a vacuum
or something,
97
00:03:59,685 --> 00:04:01,226
sucking the urine
down the chute.
98
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,017
-And then, so,
two of these?
-Yeah.
99
00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:05,309
And then on the other side,
I'll put two or three
floor toilets. Correct?
100
00:04:05,393 --> 00:04:07,643
No, there's no toilets.
101
00:04:07,726 --> 00:04:09,184
There's no defecation here.
102
00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:12,309
If a customer comes in here
and does want to defecate...
103
00:04:12,393 --> 00:04:14,768
-Mm.
-...what do you
expect them to do?
104
00:04:14,851 --> 00:04:17,101
-I expect them to
go someplace else.
-Okay. So...
105
00:04:17,184 --> 00:04:19,017
Look, there's no defecation
in the building.
106
00:04:19,101 --> 00:04:20,393
You want me to make it
so they can't?
107
00:04:20,476 --> 00:04:21,768
Could you do that?
108
00:04:21,851 --> 00:04:23,935
I could put a sensor on there
that detects a penis.
109
00:04:24,017 --> 00:04:26,976
-A little, um, penis
sensor, if you will.
-Really?
110
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,851
We can make it voice-activated.
It'll go...
111
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,810
Doot-doot-doot.
"Penis detected." Woot.
112
00:04:30,893 --> 00:04:33,017
The door will open up,
and then once the man is done,
113
00:04:33,101 --> 00:04:34,935
doot-doot-doot. Woot.
Slide down.
114
00:04:35,017 --> 00:04:36,851
-That's terrific.
-Hello, Larry.
115
00:04:36,935 --> 00:04:39,309
I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Ted Danson.
116
00:04:39,393 --> 00:04:41,476
Mr. Danson has just become
117
00:04:41,559 --> 00:04:44,017
the newest financial backer
118
00:04:44,101 --> 00:04:46,351
of Mocha Joe's cafe.
119
00:04:46,434 --> 00:04:47,893
Well...
120
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:52,184
You think you're up for
this fight, General Lee?
121
00:04:53,184 --> 00:04:54,643
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
122
00:04:54,726 --> 00:04:58,476
Yeah. I'm gonna
look forward to spiting
your spite store.
123
00:04:58,559 --> 00:05:01,643
-You sure you wanna get into it?
-Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I'm highly motivated.
124
00:05:01,726 --> 00:05:04,309
(with Southern accent):
Well, I do declare.
As I recall,
125
00:05:04,393 --> 00:05:06,976
General Lee was a loser.
126
00:05:07,059 --> 00:05:09,976
-Let's go, Mr. Danson.
I think we've said enough.
-Yeah.
127
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:12,893
(indistinct chatter)
128
00:05:12,976 --> 00:05:15,393
Another week without wind.
129
00:05:15,893 --> 00:05:19,601
Before this journey,
my life was bereft
of the wind of purpose.
130
00:05:19,685 --> 00:05:21,893
Now I have the purpose,
but without the wind.
131
00:05:21,976 --> 00:05:25,101
Now there are no days,
no nights.
132
00:05:25,184 --> 00:05:27,393
-Just the relentless
slap of the wave.
-(quietly): Wow.
133
00:05:27,476 --> 00:05:30,351
-He's great. Really great.
-Clive Owen:
I am completely alone.
134
00:05:31,142 --> 00:05:34,601
-Even my parrot
Lorita has perished.
-(woman sobbing)
135
00:05:34,685 --> 00:05:36,851
(sobbing)
136
00:05:36,935 --> 00:05:40,184
I give my last will
and testament to the waves,
137
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:42,184
-who refuse to weep with me.
-(sobbing)
138
00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:45,309
My final epitaph written
in the froth and the foam.
139
00:05:45,393 --> 00:05:49,476
-(whispers): People
are just sobbing.
-Goodbye, Kon Tiki.
140
00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:52,518
Larry: Really.
Clive was so good.
I really loved the show.
141
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:54,518
I really did. I'm--
I'm not just saying that.
142
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:56,518
-No, I can tell.
I loved it, too.
-Yeah.
143
00:05:56,601 --> 00:05:58,726
It was a great show.
People were sobbing.
144
00:05:58,810 --> 00:06:00,976
To a dramatic actor,
hearing sobs must be the same
145
00:06:01,059 --> 00:06:03,017
as a comedian
hearing big laughs, right?
146
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:04,518
-I would think so.
-Do me a favor?
147
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:06,184
-Yeah?
-Tell him, tell him
how much I liked it?
148
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:07,768
I got a better idea.
149
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:09,309
You tell him
how much you liked it.
150
00:06:09,393 --> 00:06:11,518
Oh, no, no.
Don't do that. Don't--
You're doing that?
151
00:06:11,601 --> 00:06:13,559
-Ringing. Ringing.
-I can't believe
you're doing this.
152
00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:15,017
-(phone rings)
-What are you doing?
153
00:06:15,101 --> 00:06:16,601
Clive (on voicemail):
Hey, it's Clive here.
154
00:06:16,685 --> 00:06:18,601
-Um, please leave
a message. Thanks.
-(voicemail beeps)
155
00:06:18,685 --> 00:06:22,559
Oh, hey, Clive.
This is, uh, Larry David,
a good friend of Jeff.
156
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:25,351
Uh, I saw the show last night.
157
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:27,851
I really enjoyed it.
Uh, good job.
158
00:06:27,935 --> 00:06:30,976
-There you go.
I appreciate that.
-Susie: Matilda?
159
00:06:31,059 --> 00:06:33,142
-Miss Susie.
-Susie: Oh!
160
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,935
-You ironed the napkins!
-Yes.
161
00:06:35,017 --> 00:06:37,643
Jesus fucking Christ,
you're amazing!
162
00:06:37,726 --> 00:06:40,393
And I folded your laundry
by color and style.
163
00:06:40,476 --> 00:06:42,184
And today I'm gonna clean
your makeup brushes.
164
00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:44,184
You're gonna clean
my makeup brushes.
165
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:45,685
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:45,768 --> 00:06:47,518
You're a fucking saint!
167
00:06:47,601 --> 00:06:49,726
I love this girl.
She's amazing.
168
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,601
I'm telling you,
she takes initiative.
169
00:06:51,685 --> 00:06:54,101
I've never had
a housekeeper
that does this.
170
00:06:54,184 --> 00:06:56,142
I am so completely jealous.
171
00:06:56,226 --> 00:06:59,434
-Why?
-My house is a, you know,
I got-- my house is a mess.
172
00:06:59,518 --> 00:07:02,976
Lar, she just told me
this morning
173
00:07:03,059 --> 00:07:04,976
her Tuesday-Thursday
moved out of town.
174
00:07:05,059 --> 00:07:06,976
She's got an opening
she's trying to fill.
175
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:08,518
-Really?
-Yeah.
176
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:11,226
-I'll... I'll take it.
-Susie: You'll be very happy.
177
00:07:11,309 --> 00:07:13,810
-But Monday-Wednesday is mine.
-Yeah, yeah. Of course.
178
00:07:13,893 --> 00:07:15,768
All right. She's yours.
I'm gonna go tell her.
179
00:07:15,851 --> 00:07:18,476
But keep Leon
away from her, please.
180
00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:21,351
That I can't guarantee.
181
00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:24,226
A sex doll? I, I--
What are you thinking about?
182
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:26,267
-I don't
even understand.
-Why?
183
00:07:26,351 --> 00:07:28,267
Why'd you send a doll
like that to my house?
184
00:07:28,351 --> 00:07:31,101
Hey, Freddy!
Where's my section?
185
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,059
Uncle Moke,
just look around.
You'll find it.
186
00:07:33,142 --> 00:07:35,768
Take a look around.
You'll find it.
You like it?
187
00:07:35,851 --> 00:07:38,309
-A gag gift? You're sending me--
-No, no, no. It's a real gift.
188
00:07:38,393 --> 00:07:40,434
-You've never had one?
-You think I'm gonna
fuck that doll?
189
00:07:40,518 --> 00:07:42,476
-Yeah, yeah. Have you ever
played around with 'em?
-No!
190
00:07:42,559 --> 00:07:43,893
You cuddle it,
whatever your journey is.
191
00:07:43,976 --> 00:07:45,851
-No, no. I don't know.
-No, no. That's not my journey.
192
00:07:45,935 --> 00:07:48,476
-I don't know what it is.
-I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna fuck a doll.
193
00:07:48,559 --> 00:07:50,226
-You have one of these?
-Couple of 'em.
194
00:07:50,309 --> 00:07:52,851
-You've got a couple.
-I love it. I'm comfortable.
I'm healthy.
195
00:07:52,935 --> 00:07:55,267
That's where we're at.
No disease.
196
00:07:55,351 --> 00:07:57,601
It feels good.
It's something
you're connecting to.
197
00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:59,059
You got a good
imagination,
same thing.
198
00:07:59,142 --> 00:08:00,601
The doll is whatever
you want it to be.
199
00:08:00,685 --> 00:08:02,142
Maybe you should
try necrophilia.
200
00:08:02,226 --> 00:08:03,685
Now you're picking
different hang-ups.
201
00:08:03,768 --> 00:08:05,226
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying the doll's--
202
00:08:05,309 --> 00:08:06,810
You're open
to so many things.
203
00:08:06,893 --> 00:08:08,476
-I'm open to something
that feels good.
-Fuck a dead woman.
204
00:08:08,559 --> 00:08:11,101
Here's the good news:
If I want to fuck
a dead woman,
205
00:08:11,184 --> 00:08:14,309
I'll fuck the doll. Okay?
And that way, I don't have
to fuck a dead woman.
206
00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:17,142
-You hear from Marty?
-He's in China.
He's doing great.
207
00:08:17,226 --> 00:08:18,810
He met a girl,
a real girl, no doll.
208
00:08:18,893 --> 00:08:21,976
-Chinese girl?
-Yeah. He sent me
a nice e-mail. He's lovin' it.
209
00:08:22,059 --> 00:08:24,059
-Excuse me. No browsing.
-I'm not browsing.
210
00:08:24,142 --> 00:08:26,351
-Put the magazine away
or buy it, please.
-I'm not browsing.
211
00:08:26,434 --> 00:08:28,434
-Leave me alone.
-You have been here
for at least ten minutes.
212
00:08:28,518 --> 00:08:30,184
No problem.
He's gonna buy it.
I'm a buyer.
213
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:32,476
-Oh, this is your father?
-Yeah, he's just looking.
I'm a buyer.
214
00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:33,601
Moke.
215
00:08:34,226 --> 00:08:36,518
-You buying this?
Of course I'm gonna buy it.
-Moke.
216
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:39,476
All the free porn
on the Internet.
Why stick with magazines?
217
00:08:39,976 --> 00:08:42,226
-It's on the Internet?
-Yeah. Do you have a computer?
218
00:08:42,309 --> 00:08:44,184
Yeah. My kids
bought me a computer,
but I don't use it.
219
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:46,851
Well, Moke,
everything here
220
00:08:46,935 --> 00:08:48,726
is a click away
on the Internet.
221
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:51,059
Come on.
Don't kid me.
222
00:08:51,142 --> 00:08:52,685
-I'm not kidding you, Moke.
-You sure?
223
00:08:52,768 --> 00:08:54,559
-Moke, I am not kidding.
-Just don't kid me.
224
00:08:54,643 --> 00:08:56,893
-Check it out.
-Maybe I will.
225
00:08:59,810 --> 00:09:01,559
Thanks a lot.
226
00:09:04,476 --> 00:09:07,768
Now, Carol, what exactly
do you see in this man?
227
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,643
-What kind of
question is that?
-(chuckles)
228
00:09:09,726 --> 00:09:12,059
-I think it's a good question.
-I think behind those...
229
00:09:12,142 --> 00:09:15,726
-dark clothes lies a...
-Very pretentious man?
230
00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:17,559
What's wrong
with dark clothes?
I always wear black.
231
00:09:17,643 --> 00:09:19,643
He thinks people are aware
that he dresses in black.
232
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,059
He thinks he's like Johnny Cash.
233
00:09:21,142 --> 00:09:22,601
-Why do you
always wear black?
-Larry: Yeah. Why?
234
00:09:22,685 --> 00:09:24,643
I've been a comic 48 years,
and people expect me to be--
235
00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:26,226
Nobody gives a fuck.
236
00:09:26,309 --> 00:09:28,393
Is anyone else cold?
Are you cold?
237
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:29,726
-Richard: A little chilly.
-I'm cold suddenly.
238
00:09:29,810 --> 00:09:31,685
I wish I'd brought
a cardigan or something.
239
00:09:31,768 --> 00:09:34,726
-We can turn on the heat lamp.
-Oh, yeah. That would be great.
240
00:09:34,810 --> 00:09:36,559
Um, excuse me.
241
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,518
Do you have any problem
if we turn on the heat lamp?
242
00:09:38,601 --> 00:09:40,142
-She's very cold.
-Man: We're hot over here.
243
00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:41,935
-We're fine. It's okay.
-We're good here.
It feels great.
244
00:09:42,017 --> 00:09:43,643
-You know, the heat lamp's
for both tables.
-Well, we have seven.
245
00:09:43,726 --> 00:09:45,643
Well, but we have
seven people here
and we're fine.
246
00:09:45,726 --> 00:09:47,226
-You have three people there.
-Man: You're outvoted.
247
00:09:47,309 --> 00:09:49,226
Yeah, I, I, I know,
but she's cold,
248
00:09:49,309 --> 00:09:51,017
and it's worse to be cold,
than hot.
249
00:09:51,101 --> 00:09:53,267
No, it's actually worse
to be hot than cold.
250
00:09:53,351 --> 00:09:56,267
-How do you figure?
-Because when you're cold,
you can put more things on.
251
00:09:56,351 --> 00:09:58,142
When you're hot,
you can only take
so much off.
252
00:09:58,226 --> 00:10:01,059
Okay, well, that's a good point,
if there are more things
to put on.
253
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,685
But there aren't more things
to put on.
254
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:05,267
-Here. Have her wear that.
-Oh, that's funny, asshole.
255
00:10:05,351 --> 00:10:07,309
Look, we're not snowmen.
We need some heat.
256
00:10:07,393 --> 00:10:09,601
Hey. I just thought
of something.
257
00:10:09,685 --> 00:10:11,810
-My mother's
old mink stole.
-Oh.
258
00:10:11,893 --> 00:10:14,059
I'm getting it dry-cleaned.
It's in my car.
Let me go get it.
259
00:10:14,142 --> 00:10:16,893
-Thank you.
No, that would be so nice.
-Yeah.
260
00:10:16,976 --> 00:10:18,726
I really appreciate that, Larry.
261
00:10:18,810 --> 00:10:20,267
-Oh, sure.
-Richard: Thank you, Larry.
262
00:10:20,351 --> 00:10:21,810
-Carol: Thank you, Larry.
-Wait till you see this thing.
263
00:10:21,893 --> 00:10:23,726
-It's a beauty.
-Thanks, Larry.
264
00:10:23,810 --> 00:10:26,518
-I mean, what a,
what a bunch of douche bags.
-Oh, there he goes. Wow.
265
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:28,559
-Is he going to get warm?
-Larry: My God.
266
00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:31,935
-There we go.
Look at this.
-Aw.
267
00:10:32,017 --> 00:10:34,851
-Richard: Look, how beautiful.
-Huh? Do you like that?
268
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:36,309
-Thank you.
-Richard: Beauty on beauty.
269
00:10:36,393 --> 00:10:38,476
-Larry: Real mink.
Real mink.
-So sweet of you.
270
00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:41,017
You know what?
Actually, uh,
271
00:10:41,101 --> 00:10:42,601
this reminds me of
272
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:45,059
a stole my mother had
when I was a little girl.
273
00:10:45,142 --> 00:10:46,393
-Richard: Wow. No kidding.
-Yeah.
274
00:10:46,476 --> 00:10:49,226
She used to wrap me up
in it to keep me warm.
275
00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,893
Yeah. And I remember
when I was 12,
276
00:10:51,976 --> 00:10:54,726
my dad and mom
took me to see
La Cage aux Folles.
277
00:10:54,810 --> 00:10:56,142
-Oh, La Cage aux Folles.
-You remember that?
278
00:10:56,226 --> 00:10:57,810
Yeah, I remember.
That was on Broadway, yeah.
279
00:10:57,893 --> 00:10:59,893
It was such a great night.
And then when we came out,
280
00:10:59,976 --> 00:11:01,267
we, uh...
281
00:11:01,351 --> 00:11:03,476
yeah, we couldn't get a cab,
because...
282
00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:07,142
well, they were all taken,
so we decided to take
the subway.
283
00:11:07,226 --> 00:11:08,643
But, um...
284
00:11:08,726 --> 00:11:10,351
on the platform, my, uh,
285
00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:12,059
my mom and dad
got in a really big fight,
286
00:11:12,142 --> 00:11:15,184
and they started
pushing each other,
and... (sighs)
287
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:16,935
and the stole, it...
288
00:11:17,768 --> 00:11:19,476
it landed on the tracks.
289
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:21,726
Oh, my God.
290
00:11:21,810 --> 00:11:24,142
Carol: I saw the lights
of the train, and I...
291
00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:26,935
I heard the...
the honk of the train,
292
00:11:27,017 --> 00:11:29,017
and my mom, she...
293
00:11:29,101 --> 00:11:31,685
she jumped onto the tracks,
just really quickly,
294
00:11:31,768 --> 00:11:33,810
just to grab the stole,
because... (sobs)
295
00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:35,851
it meant so much to her.
296
00:11:35,935 --> 00:11:37,726
And then...
297
00:11:37,810 --> 00:11:40,643
she tried to get back up,
she tried to--
298
00:11:40,726 --> 00:11:42,851
-to scratch her way
back up, but...
-Oh, come on.
299
00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:45,184
-Oh, my God.
What a story.
-(Carol sobbing)
300
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:47,893
Oh, my God.
The horn. I just--
301
00:11:47,976 --> 00:11:50,017
(sobbing):
The sound of the horn.
302
00:11:50,101 --> 00:11:52,643
-Oh, baby. I'm, oh...
-Carol: I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
303
00:11:52,726 --> 00:11:54,726
-I'm sorry!
-Geez. I'm so sorry.
304
00:11:54,810 --> 00:11:58,643
(sobbing):
I just have so little
to remember her by.
305
00:11:59,768 --> 00:12:03,226
You know what, if it means
that much to you, I...
306
00:12:03,309 --> 00:12:05,059
I, I want you to have it.
307
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,393
-I want you to have it.
I want you to keep it.
-What?
308
00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:10,685
-Really?
-I'm positive. Carol, please.
309
00:12:10,768 --> 00:12:12,267
-Keep the stole.
-No, you take it.
310
00:12:12,351 --> 00:12:13,810
No, I'm giving it to you.
311
00:12:13,893 --> 00:12:16,059
-Really?
-She said she has
so little to remember her by.
312
00:12:16,142 --> 00:12:19,893
-Keep the stole.
-Oh, that's so--
That's really nice.
313
00:12:19,976 --> 00:12:22,226
-Thank you.
-Of course. If my mother
were at the table,
314
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,351
my mother would give
it to you, you know.
315
00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:26,810
-No, she wouldn't,
but, you know.
-Thank you. (laughs)
316
00:12:26,893 --> 00:12:29,434
-(phone buzzing)
-Oh, I'm buzzing.
317
00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:33,643
Oh, guys, I gotta go to work.
I gotta go.
318
00:12:33,726 --> 00:12:36,101
-Richard: Oh, no.
-I didn't even get
to have lunch.
319
00:12:36,184 --> 00:12:38,184
-Bye, baby.
-Take care, baby.
320
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:40,142
-Thank you.
-Yeah, you're welcome.
321
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:41,810
-Bye, you guys.
-Enjoy that stole.
322
00:12:41,893 --> 00:12:43,601
Bye-bye. I'll speak
to you later.
323
00:12:43,685 --> 00:12:45,142
Oh, my God.
324
00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:47,643
The poor thing.
Imagine being
a 12-year-old girl,
325
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:50,518
seeing your mother
get hit by a train,
326
00:12:50,601 --> 00:12:52,142
going after
a mink stole, ugh!
327
00:12:52,226 --> 00:12:54,393
Wouldn't you wake up
every morning, boom--
328
00:12:54,476 --> 00:12:56,101
the horns,
do you think of the horns?
329
00:12:56,184 --> 00:12:57,810
I mean, how do you even
go to work after that?
330
00:12:57,893 --> 00:12:59,976
What, what--
What does she--
What does she do?
331
00:13:00,059 --> 00:13:02,476
She's a professional crier.
332
00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,142
What? A what?
333
00:13:05,226 --> 00:13:06,976
She's a professional crier.
334
00:13:07,059 --> 00:13:09,393
She's hired to cry
at weddings,
335
00:13:09,476 --> 00:13:12,601
and funerals,
or sometimes TV shows.
336
00:13:12,685 --> 00:13:14,476
You know,
if there's a sad moment,
337
00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,810
she's in the background
sobbing.
338
00:13:16,893 --> 00:13:18,226
Oh, my God.
339
00:13:18,309 --> 00:13:20,184
What's wrong with you?
What are you worried about?
340
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,643
I'm worried I just got fleeced
for a mink stole.
341
00:13:22,726 --> 00:13:24,726
-You piece of shit.
How dare you?
-Piece of shit?
342
00:13:24,810 --> 00:13:27,726
-How dare you?
-Are you kidding?
I mean, think about it.
343
00:13:27,810 --> 00:13:29,559
You can hear that,
and say something like that?
344
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:31,101
Hey, let me ask you something.
345
00:13:31,184 --> 00:13:33,601
Have you guys ever had
a disagreement of any kind,
346
00:13:33,685 --> 00:13:35,643
where perhaps
she started crying?
347
00:13:35,726 --> 00:13:37,226
-Yeah, a few times--
-What?
348
00:13:37,309 --> 00:13:39,101
-What was the disagreement?
-You know, dinner.
349
00:13:39,184 --> 00:13:41,226
She wanted Chinese,
I wanted Italian.
350
00:13:41,309 --> 00:13:43,351
-So she wept openly and--
-Oh.
351
00:13:43,434 --> 00:13:45,643
Yeah, and you went down--
and you had Chinese food.
352
00:13:45,726 --> 00:13:48,226
-Chinese, we did.
-Oh, my God. Come on!
353
00:13:48,309 --> 00:13:50,017
-This is unbelievable!
-Don't Perry Mason her.
354
00:13:50,101 --> 00:13:53,643
She fucking conned me
out of that mink stole.
This is incredible!
355
00:13:53,726 --> 00:13:55,893
-I don't have to buy
your defense on this.
-You saw it!
356
00:13:55,976 --> 00:13:58,101
You witnessed it.
She's a con crier.
357
00:13:58,184 --> 00:14:01,101
-So what do you want me to do?
-I can't believe
I fell for that story.
358
00:14:01,184 --> 00:14:04,267
(whimpering):
Oh... the stole was
on the subway!
359
00:14:04,351 --> 00:14:06,768
And the horn, the horn!
(whimpering)
360
00:14:06,851 --> 00:14:09,101
I want that stole back, okay?
361
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,309
♪ ♪
362
00:14:31,935 --> 00:14:34,893
-Mr. Larry! Hey!
-Oh! Hey!
363
00:14:34,976 --> 00:14:37,017
I clean all the windows
and all the mantles.
364
00:14:37,101 --> 00:14:38,309
-Oh.
-They were so dirty.
365
00:14:38,393 --> 00:14:40,059
-And I polished
all the doorknobs.
-Good.
366
00:14:40,142 --> 00:14:41,810
-Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
-You're welcome.
367
00:14:41,893 --> 00:14:43,393
-You're welcome.
-Thank you.
368
00:14:43,476 --> 00:14:45,226
What, what is this,
Mr. Larry?
369
00:14:45,309 --> 00:14:47,267
Oh. It's a...
370
00:14:47,351 --> 00:14:48,893
That's a doll.
371
00:14:48,976 --> 00:14:51,893
-What kind doll?
-Eh, you know,
I collect them.
372
00:14:51,976 --> 00:14:54,685
They're like, uh,
big teddy bears. Yeah.
373
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,267
You collect big plastic dolls?
374
00:14:56,351 --> 00:14:58,810
Yes, yes. I do.
They, um...
375
00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:01,559
They normally come with clothes.
376
00:15:01,643 --> 00:15:03,476
-Yeah, she's naked.
-Yeah, it's naked, yeah.
377
00:15:03,559 --> 00:15:05,768
They forgot to send
the clothes for some reason.
I don't know why.
378
00:15:05,851 --> 00:15:08,559
You know, they come with
a lot of different outfits.
379
00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:10,351
-Oh, like the,
this American Girl.
-Yes!
380
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,434
Like the American Girl!
Right, right.
381
00:15:12,518 --> 00:15:14,059
Yeah, they have
a nurse's outfit,
382
00:15:14,142 --> 00:15:17,059
they have a flight attendant,
a cheerleader.
383
00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:19,935
They even have,
um, a, a maid!
384
00:15:20,017 --> 00:15:21,559
Oh! So, you know what?
385
00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,351
Let me clean it,
'cause it's a little bit dirty.
386
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:25,476
Oh, no. You know,
you don't, no. I...
387
00:15:25,559 --> 00:15:26,643
That's, uh...
you know,
388
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,601
it's very delicate,
very delicate.
389
00:15:28,685 --> 00:15:31,101
Anyway, I just want you to know,
you're doing a fantastic job.
390
00:15:31,184 --> 00:15:33,101
Thank you.
I wanted to ask you,
391
00:15:33,184 --> 00:15:35,059
uh, I need to switch my days.
392
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:36,810
-Mm-hmm.
-And I would like
to work Mondays
393
00:15:36,893 --> 00:15:38,351
and Wednesdays for you.
394
00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:40,643
No, those are Susie's days.
395
00:15:40,726 --> 00:15:43,059
Oh, no. I'm not gonna be
working with Miss Susie
anymore.
396
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:45,184
-What? What do you,
what do you mean?
-Her mouth.
397
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:47,434
She's like "F" this,
"F" that. She's so vulgar.
398
00:15:47,518 --> 00:15:49,434
Like, F-bomb for everything.
399
00:15:49,518 --> 00:15:51,768
The thing is, I have
kind of an agreement with her.
400
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,601
-I can't breach her.
-Well,
401
00:15:53,685 --> 00:15:55,351
all I can say is that
I have another family
402
00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:57,810
that I need to work with on
Tuesdays and Thursdays, so--
403
00:15:57,893 --> 00:16:00,101
-You're gonna leave Susie,
regardless?
-Yeah, regardless.
404
00:16:00,184 --> 00:16:01,893
I am done with Miss Susie.
405
00:16:03,017 --> 00:16:04,226
Okay.
406
00:16:04,309 --> 00:16:06,434
-Yes? Okay.
-Ah.
407
00:16:06,518 --> 00:16:09,601
-See you next Monday.
I'm gonna do the refrigerator.
-Bye.
408
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:11,893
Hey, do anchovies
only go on pizza?
409
00:16:11,976 --> 00:16:13,434
-Or can you
eat 'em loose?
-Hey.
410
00:16:13,518 --> 00:16:15,101
Come here, come here.
You blew it up?
411
00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:16,810
-Yeah, I blew the shit up.
-You're supposed
to get rid of it.
412
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,768
-Who, Sherry?
-Oh, Sherry?
You gave it a name?
413
00:16:18,851 --> 00:16:21,351
Yeah, I mean,
I got her out of the box.
Give her a little air and shit.
414
00:16:21,434 --> 00:16:23,476
-Oh, so you were,
you were curious.
-Fuck, yeah.
415
00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:24,976
I wanna see what the fuck
she was working with.
416
00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:27,309
Yeah. And, uh...
417
00:16:27,393 --> 00:16:30,309
You didn't try and get
a little friendly with her,
did you?
418
00:16:30,393 --> 00:16:31,851
What the fuck
you trying to say?
419
00:16:31,935 --> 00:16:33,685
-Did you get a little
friendly with her?
-I'm insulted.
420
00:16:33,768 --> 00:16:34,976
-That you would say
some shit like that to me.
-Leon, did you get
421
00:16:35,059 --> 00:16:36,267
a little friendly
with her, Leon?
422
00:16:36,351 --> 00:16:37,434
-Nah. Not at all.
-Huh?
423
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:38,643
Why do you always
look at me like this?
424
00:16:38,726 --> 00:16:40,226
I'm trying to look
into your fuckin' brain.
425
00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:42,434
-What is this? Yeah. Uh-huh.
-I'm lookin' into you. Yeah.
426
00:16:42,518 --> 00:16:44,351
You look down into
a motherfucker's soul.
427
00:16:44,434 --> 00:16:45,810
You think you're better
than me, Leon Black?
428
00:16:45,893 --> 00:16:47,393
-I know my character.
-Yeah?
429
00:16:47,476 --> 00:16:48,601
And when you accuse me
430
00:16:48,685 --> 00:16:50,142
of tappin'
some ass like that...
431
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,476
I wouldn't put it past you,
let's just say that.
432
00:16:52,559 --> 00:16:53,768
(doorbell chimes)
433
00:16:53,851 --> 00:16:55,810
Get rid of
that fucking thing.
434
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:58,935
Be cool, Sherry.
435
00:17:02,101 --> 00:17:03,810
-Hey.
-How are you?
436
00:17:03,893 --> 00:17:06,685
-Good. Good.
-Well, guess what, LD?
437
00:17:06,768 --> 00:17:09,184
-What?
-I did what you
wanted me to do.
438
00:17:09,267 --> 00:17:11,476
-And it didn't work out.
-Oh.
439
00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:13,017
And Carol broke up with me.
440
00:17:13,101 --> 00:17:16,059
-Really?
-I went over there,
I asked for your mink back,
441
00:17:16,142 --> 00:17:17,393
she wept openly,
442
00:17:17,476 --> 00:17:18,976
-and kicked me out of her life.
-Oh, she wept openly.
443
00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:20,434
That's how she got the mink
in the first place.
444
00:17:20,518 --> 00:17:22,142
Yeah, well, you ruined
another woman for me.
445
00:17:22,226 --> 00:17:24,393
I could've had a baby
with this woman and maybe
become a father.
446
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,935
A baby?
You're 200 years old.
You're gonna have a baby?
447
00:17:27,017 --> 00:17:28,810
Do me a favor.
Just stay out of my affairs.
448
00:17:28,893 --> 00:17:31,518
Meanwhile, she still
has the mink, okay?
And I'm gettin' it back.
449
00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:32,893
-No, you're not.
-Yes, I am.
450
00:17:32,976 --> 00:17:34,518
Aah, bullshit.
451
00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:37,267
What the hell is that?
452
00:17:37,351 --> 00:17:39,226
Ah, it's a--
It's a sex doll.
453
00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,726
-A sex doll.
-Yeah. Her name's Sherry.
454
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,810
Come on.
I'll introduce you to her.
455
00:17:43,893 --> 00:17:45,351
Susie:
You breached.
456
00:17:45,434 --> 00:17:47,643
You made a solemn
promise, a vow,
457
00:17:47,726 --> 00:17:50,059
and you fucking
breached, asshole.
458
00:17:50,142 --> 00:17:52,601
She was quitting!
She wasn't working for you
459
00:17:52,685 --> 00:17:54,685
on Mondays and Wednesdays,
that was it.
460
00:17:54,768 --> 00:17:57,393
She doesn't wanna work here.
She can't stand you!
461
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,059
-Oh, that's nonsense!
-You're a vulgarian!
462
00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:01,267
You use disgusting language
around her.
463
00:18:01,351 --> 00:18:02,851
She's a strict Catholic girl.
464
00:18:02,935 --> 00:18:05,434
-Okay--
-Hold on a second, here.
465
00:18:06,017 --> 00:18:08,059
She make you biscuits?
466
00:18:08,142 --> 00:18:09,726
-Yeah.
-Ridiculous.
467
00:18:09,810 --> 00:18:11,351
-My God.
-Well, I'm gonna tell you
468
00:18:11,434 --> 00:18:12,559
a little something
what you're gonna do.
469
00:18:12,643 --> 00:18:14,184
When those biscuits are warm,
470
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,559
you're gonna
get out some tin foil,
471
00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:17,851
You're gonna wrap
those babies up,
472
00:18:17,935 --> 00:18:19,393
and you're dropping 'em off
at my office.
473
00:18:19,476 --> 00:18:21,267
And when you drop off
those biscuits,
474
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,935
you're gonna pick up
my laundry and take it
to the Fluff and Fold.
475
00:18:24,017 --> 00:18:27,309
-All right?
-Yeah, I have a movie star
coming over here, Larry.
476
00:18:27,393 --> 00:18:31,434
And look at me,
I'm putting out premade
fuckin' salads from Metzler's.
477
00:18:31,518 --> 00:18:33,184
-Metzler's?
You got Metzler's?
-Susie: Yeah.
478
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,851
-Yeah, I got Metzler's.
-Fanta-- I love Metzler's!
479
00:18:34,935 --> 00:18:36,518
Yeah. And then
I gotta clean up myself.
480
00:18:36,601 --> 00:18:38,601
I don't know how to do
this fucking shit!
481
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:39,935
-You know what?
-What?
482
00:18:40,017 --> 00:18:41,142
I'll help you clean up.
483
00:18:41,226 --> 00:18:43,434
-Oh, please.
-I'm a fantastic dishwasher.
484
00:18:43,518 --> 00:18:47,559
Did you know that?
I can put my hands in
boiling, scalding water,
485
00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:49,226
and I don't feel anything.
486
00:18:49,309 --> 00:18:51,518
-I don't need gloves!
-Let me see those hands.
487
00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:54,476
-I'm really good.
-You've never washed
a dish in your life.
488
00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:56,267
Well, I haven't washed 'em
in a while, but--
489
00:18:56,351 --> 00:18:58,518
You've watched somebody else
wash and went,
490
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:01,643
-"Oh, I could be good at that.
I could do that."
-I know I'm a great dishwasher!
491
00:19:01,726 --> 00:19:04,351
-You've never washed!
-Don't tell me I haven't
washed, Jeff!
492
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:05,893
-You never washed.
-What? I haven't washed?
493
00:19:05,976 --> 00:19:07,726
-And your hands are soft.
-I'll tell you what I'll do.
494
00:19:07,810 --> 00:19:10,434
I'll stick my hands
in the sink right now.
Put it on as hot as you want.
495
00:19:10,518 --> 00:19:12,726
-You don't have special hands!
-I do have special hands!
496
00:19:12,810 --> 00:19:14,726
-You do not have special hands!
-I do. They're very special.
497
00:19:14,810 --> 00:19:17,017
I'll stick 'em under any
hot water you can find, okay?
498
00:19:17,101 --> 00:19:18,726
That's insane!
499
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:22,226
Listen to me.
500
00:19:22,976 --> 00:19:24,267
Clive's coming over.
501
00:19:24,351 --> 00:19:25,976
-Yeah.
-The voicemail you left.
502
00:19:26,059 --> 00:19:28,393
Clive seems to think
it was insufficient praise.
503
00:19:28,476 --> 00:19:30,768
-(scoffs) What?
Insufficient praise?
-Yeah.
504
00:19:30,851 --> 00:19:32,518
Yeah.
You weren't enthusiastic.
505
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:35,726
-That's ridiculous.
-No. You gotta--
When you talk to these people,
506
00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:37,726
you gotta almost give
your own performance
507
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,518
-about how much you loved it.
-(doorbell rings)
508
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:41,351
All right. You know what?
That's him.
509
00:19:41,434 --> 00:19:42,643
Okay?
510
00:19:43,226 --> 00:19:46,142
And by the way,
you're doing the dishes
when we're done.
511
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:48,351
-Great. Great.
-Yeah, good.
Good for you.
512
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:51,601
-Susie, I brought you
a movie star.
-Susie: Ah, bravo!
513
00:19:51,685 --> 00:19:54,685
-Clive: Hey!
-Bravo! What a performance.
514
00:19:54,768 --> 00:19:56,851
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, my God.
515
00:19:56,935 --> 00:19:58,768
-Thanks for inviting me over.
-Movie star.
516
00:19:58,851 --> 00:20:00,518
-Jeff: Larry David.
-Hey.
517
00:20:00,601 --> 00:20:02,226
Susie:
Fantastic.
518
00:20:02,309 --> 00:20:05,309
So, just dig in.
We went to this
new sandwich place.
519
00:20:05,393 --> 00:20:07,309
-What's the name of it, Lar?
-Yeah, Metzler's.
520
00:20:07,393 --> 00:20:09,685
-Metzler's. So, they're
supposed to be fantastic.
-Yeah, it looks great.
521
00:20:09,768 --> 00:20:13,142
In the UK they have, uh,
cucumber sandwiches, right?
522
00:20:13,643 --> 00:20:16,393
-Just, just cucumbers?
-Jeff: No, there's
cream cheese in there.
523
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,017
-Oh, there is?
-Yeah, we have a lot
of different sandwiches.
524
00:20:19,101 --> 00:20:20,518
Larry:
Yeah.
525
00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:22,851
Hey, Clive. Uh, I...
526
00:20:22,935 --> 00:20:25,893
You know, I want
to apologize if, um...
527
00:20:25,976 --> 00:20:29,059
my, my voicemail,
my message
528
00:20:29,142 --> 00:20:31,768
-offended you in any way.
-A little weird, no?
529
00:20:31,851 --> 00:20:34,059
-You know, I'm not good
at voicemails.
-Really?
530
00:20:34,142 --> 00:20:36,059
Yes. When I would leave
a message on, on,
531
00:20:36,142 --> 00:20:38,059
on a woman's phone,
I would always get in trouble
532
00:20:38,142 --> 00:20:40,601
and the relationship
would be over.
I'm just no good at it.
533
00:20:40,685 --> 00:20:42,142
Yeah, but the weird
thing is, you know,
534
00:20:42,226 --> 00:20:44,059
if you go and see a play
and you don't like it,
535
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:46,059
you kind of don't leave
a message, do you?
536
00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,726
-No, but I did like it.
I-- That's, that's--
-Really?
537
00:20:48,810 --> 00:20:51,059
-Yes.
-(flatly): "Hi.
This is Larry David.
538
00:20:51,142 --> 00:20:56,017
I just want to say
I really enjoyed
the show. Good job."
539
00:20:56,101 --> 00:20:59,768
Yeah. Like I said,
I'm not, I'm not good with--
If it was in person,
540
00:20:59,851 --> 00:21:02,267
-I would have been
much more effusive.
-Really?
541
00:21:02,351 --> 00:21:04,226
-Yeah.
-So...
542
00:21:05,476 --> 00:21:08,226
I mean, it's hard to do now.
Bec-- You know, it's--
543
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:11,601
It's like doing an impression
for somebody. It's hard
to just do it on command.
544
00:21:11,685 --> 00:21:14,768
-You do impressions?
-Yeah. I do a lot.
I can--
545
00:21:14,851 --> 00:21:17,101
I can do Raymond Massey
from, uh, doing Lincoln.
546
00:21:17,184 --> 00:21:19,017
Raymond Massey as Lincoln.
You never see that!
547
00:21:19,101 --> 00:21:22,851
"A house divided against itself
cannot stand."
548
00:21:25,101 --> 00:21:27,434
Well, I was so moved, Clive.
549
00:21:27,518 --> 00:21:29,726
The pathos
of this character.
550
00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:33,768
-The triumph and
the disgrace of his...
-Thank you.
551
00:21:33,851 --> 00:21:37,726
-Thank you.
-Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm-mmm!
552
00:21:37,810 --> 00:21:41,142
Oh, my God. Oh.
This is unbelievable!
553
00:21:41,226 --> 00:21:43,768
This Metzler's?
Best, the best.
554
00:21:43,851 --> 00:21:46,643
You see that?
That is genuine praise.
555
00:21:46,726 --> 00:21:48,810
I do a fucking play
for 90 minutes,
556
00:21:48,893 --> 00:21:50,893
digging deep and doing
everything I can,
557
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,476
and you give that
for a sandwich.
558
00:21:52,559 --> 00:21:54,726
So you do do praise,
just not for me.
559
00:21:54,810 --> 00:21:57,976
You know,
that, that kind of thing,
that's not for people.
560
00:21:58,059 --> 00:22:01,643
That's for sandwiches,
a well-struck iron,
561
00:22:01,726 --> 00:22:03,518
-a good golf shot.
-Do you know what it takes?
562
00:22:03,601 --> 00:22:06,643
Stand up there for 90 minutes,
on your own, a one-man play?
563
00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:09,810
-Mm.
-A serious subject like that.
Do you know what it costs?
564
00:22:09,893 --> 00:22:11,726
Must be quite grueling.
565
00:22:11,810 --> 00:22:14,059
One wonders why
somebody would do it.
566
00:22:15,726 --> 00:22:16,851
Is he for real?
567
00:22:16,935 --> 00:22:19,685
No, I'm just saying.
It seems...
568
00:22:19,768 --> 00:22:21,351
a little crazy.
569
00:22:21,434 --> 00:22:23,518
That's what you thought
when you came to see the play?
570
00:22:23,601 --> 00:22:25,643
You thought it's crazy
that someone would do this.
571
00:22:25,726 --> 00:22:27,434
Well, kinda.
572
00:22:28,142 --> 00:22:29,851
-Jeff: No, Clive.
-Clive, Clive!
573
00:22:29,935 --> 00:22:32,017
-Larry: Clive, Clive!
-Clive! Come on!
574
00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:33,768
-Susie: Clive!
-Larry: Clive!
575
00:22:33,851 --> 00:22:35,935
♪ ♪
576
00:22:42,267 --> 00:22:43,935
Hi. How you doin',
Lionel?
577
00:22:44,017 --> 00:22:45,768
How you doin', there,
Mr. Danson?
578
00:22:46,601 --> 00:22:48,726
Just need your signature
real quick.
579
00:22:48,810 --> 00:22:50,768
-How's it going today?
-Good.
580
00:22:50,851 --> 00:22:52,976
You're friends with
Larry David, right?
581
00:22:54,434 --> 00:22:56,059
Yeah, I suppose.
582
00:22:56,142 --> 00:22:58,643
He's fucking a doll.
583
00:22:59,142 --> 00:23:00,351
What?
584
00:23:00,434 --> 00:23:03,434
I delivered a blow-up
fuck doll to his house.
585
00:23:04,559 --> 00:23:07,101
How could you possibly
know that?
586
00:23:07,184 --> 00:23:10,393
The package said,
"Do not puncture.
Discreet delivery."
587
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,142
Mailmen know.
588
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:14,851
Have a great day.
589
00:23:16,434 --> 00:23:19,101
♪ ♪
590
00:23:26,976 --> 00:23:28,643
-Hi.
-Hey.
591
00:23:29,101 --> 00:23:32,059
-I'm still a little pissed off,
but I come as a friend.
-Of course.
592
00:23:32,142 --> 00:23:35,434
-Okay, thank you.
-I just have some information
I think you ought to know.
593
00:23:35,518 --> 00:23:38,643
Your ex-husband,
he's fucking...
594
00:23:38,726 --> 00:23:41,601
a sex doll,
just so you know.
595
00:23:41,685 --> 00:23:45,267
He's basically sticking
his penis in a balloon.
596
00:23:45,351 --> 00:23:47,017
Good to see you.
597
00:23:50,851 --> 00:23:52,851
(knocking)
598
00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:58,226
-Larry! How are you?
-How do you do?
599
00:23:58,309 --> 00:23:59,976
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
600
00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:02,393
-I do well. I do well.
-(Carol chuckles)
601
00:24:02,476 --> 00:24:05,309
-Do you want to come in, or--
-No, I don't think
that'll be necessary.
602
00:24:05,393 --> 00:24:08,017
I've been thinking
about the stole.
603
00:24:08,101 --> 00:24:10,976
-Thank you. It reminds me
of my mom. It's beautiful.
-Yeah.
604
00:24:11,059 --> 00:24:14,101
You know, you got so emotional.
I felt so terrible.
605
00:24:14,184 --> 00:24:15,726
I had to give it to you.
606
00:24:15,810 --> 00:24:17,601
-I appreciate it so much.
-Yeah.
607
00:24:17,685 --> 00:24:20,518
Of course, I have since
learned that...
608
00:24:20,601 --> 00:24:24,309
you're actually
a professional crier.
You do this for a living.
609
00:24:24,393 --> 00:24:28,726
-Yeah? So?
-And so what I can't
quite figure out is...
610
00:24:28,810 --> 00:24:32,267
did I give that stole to...
real Carol?
611
00:24:32,351 --> 00:24:36,935
Or did I give it to,
you know,
612
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,768
the professional crier?
613
00:24:38,851 --> 00:24:42,059
'Cause that would be bad.
'Cause then I would feel
like I was duped.
614
00:24:42,142 --> 00:24:46,601
You know. Who knows
what else you've cried
your way into.
615
00:24:46,685 --> 00:24:50,017
The couch, the coffee table,
the painting.
616
00:24:50,101 --> 00:24:52,893
-Maybe the house.
-Okay. Those...
617
00:24:52,976 --> 00:24:57,059
(voice breaking):
Those tears were real,
Larry. And I...
618
00:24:57,142 --> 00:24:59,810
I obviously cry
in real life, too.
619
00:24:59,893 --> 00:25:01,309
-I'm a real person.
-Yeah. Sure.
620
00:25:01,393 --> 00:25:03,685
You think that I'm...
621
00:25:03,768 --> 00:25:07,059
I made up a story
about my own mother...
622
00:25:07,142 --> 00:25:09,685
-You see, there.
-...to get your stole?
623
00:25:09,768 --> 00:25:11,309
There, there, there it is.
624
00:25:11,393 --> 00:25:13,017
-(Carol sobbing)
-See?
625
00:25:13,101 --> 00:25:14,935
-That's very difficult.
-I lost my mom!
626
00:25:15,017 --> 00:25:16,559
No, you're very good at this.
627
00:25:16,643 --> 00:25:18,434
-If in fact you're making--
-(sobbing): I'm sorry.
628
00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:20,685
-Can't quite--
-Larry, please.
629
00:25:20,768 --> 00:25:22,267
-Larry, get out!
-Oh, oh!
630
00:25:22,351 --> 00:25:24,935
-(door slams)
-(gasps)
631
00:25:26,017 --> 00:25:27,810
♪ ♪
632
00:25:30,685 --> 00:25:32,976
-Larry! Larry!
-(honks)
633
00:25:33,059 --> 00:25:35,434
-Hey, Freddy!
-I was just about to call you.
634
00:25:35,518 --> 00:25:36,976
-Really?
-You created a real problem
635
00:25:37,059 --> 00:25:38,559
with Uncle Moke
with the Internet porn.
636
00:25:38,643 --> 00:25:40,601
Ah, you know, it's,
it's better than,
637
00:25:40,685 --> 00:25:42,351
than paying money
for those magazines.
638
00:25:42,434 --> 00:25:44,267
No, it's all day.
It's a problem.
It's all he does.
639
00:25:44,351 --> 00:25:46,267
And he is paying.
He's doing the chat rooms now.
640
00:25:46,351 --> 00:25:49,393
I'm so sorry. I don't know.
I was just trying to save
the guy some money.
641
00:25:49,476 --> 00:25:51,226
It's addiction.
You gotta do something.
642
00:25:51,309 --> 00:25:53,643
-Do something?
What can I do?
-Whatever it is,
643
00:25:53,726 --> 00:25:55,518
you kind of started it off.
I think you should step in.
644
00:25:55,601 --> 00:25:57,726
-All right, I'll think about it.
-No, don't think about.
Do whatever it is.
645
00:25:57,810 --> 00:25:59,559
I gotta think about it.
I don't know what to do.
I gotta, you know,
646
00:25:59,643 --> 00:26:01,101
-I gotta think about it.
-Okay, that's good.
647
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:02,434
Hey, did you hit
the doll up yet?
648
00:26:02,518 --> 00:26:05,184
-N-No.
-Take a shot at the doll.
649
00:26:07,976 --> 00:26:10,059
Plumber:
And...
650
00:26:10,142 --> 00:26:13,059
voilà, the pee cube.
651
00:26:13,476 --> 00:26:15,226
-I like it.
-You sure do.
652
00:26:15,309 --> 00:26:16,935
-Yeah.
-Take her for a spin.
653
00:26:17,017 --> 00:26:19,226
-Sure.
-Get on in there, huh?
654
00:26:19,309 --> 00:26:21,393
-There you go.
Look at that.
-Mm-hmm.
655
00:26:21,476 --> 00:26:23,267
-How does that feel?
-Feels pretty good.
656
00:26:23,351 --> 00:26:25,184
Shit.
Got the prototype done,
huh?
657
00:26:25,267 --> 00:26:26,810
-Yeah, you wanna
give it a try?
-Nah, fuck that, man.
658
00:26:26,893 --> 00:26:28,434
That shit ain't
deep enough.
659
00:26:28,518 --> 00:26:29,935
-Plumber: What do you mean?
-What are you talking about?
660
00:26:30,017 --> 00:26:31,434
Any motherfucker that
come up to that shit,
661
00:26:31,518 --> 00:26:33,726
with a little-ass penis,
of course it works for them.
662
00:26:33,810 --> 00:26:36,393
But you got a big-ass johnson,
you gotta stand a little
further back, see,
663
00:26:36,476 --> 00:26:38,142
so your johnson
don't overshoot
664
00:26:38,226 --> 00:26:40,309
and hit the back
of that motherfucker.
I'm not bragging and shit,
665
00:26:40,393 --> 00:26:43,101
but I had a lady
give me a wedgie with
my own goddamn johnson.
666
00:26:43,184 --> 00:26:45,518
Okay. Are we done here?
Uh, can you get--
667
00:26:45,601 --> 00:26:47,559
-Can you get to work
on this thing right away?
-Yeah, of course. Yeah.
668
00:26:47,643 --> 00:26:50,101
-Yeah. I'll get right on it.
-Hey. Let's talk timeline.
669
00:26:50,184 --> 00:26:52,142
-Oh, okay. Yeah.
-Prototype is pretty
fuckin' good, though, man.
670
00:26:52,226 --> 00:26:54,685
-Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
-Leon: You do goddamn good work.
671
00:26:55,351 --> 00:26:56,559
Hmm.
672
00:26:57,184 --> 00:26:58,685
-Hey.
-Hey.
673
00:26:58,768 --> 00:26:59,935
-Hey.
-What are you doing?
674
00:27:00,017 --> 00:27:01,059
What are you doing?
675
00:27:01,142 --> 00:27:02,393
What brings you
to Latte Larry's?
676
00:27:02,476 --> 00:27:05,434
Uh, Clive Owen.
He's a mess.
677
00:27:05,518 --> 00:27:06,935
Ever since you left him
that message
678
00:27:07,017 --> 00:27:08,309
and the other day
at the house...
679
00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:10,476
-What, at lunch?
-...he's lost all confidence.
680
00:27:10,559 --> 00:27:13,017
His shows are not as good.
It's affecting his performances.
681
00:27:13,101 --> 00:27:16,351
-Really?
-Yeah. People used to weep.
Nobody's weeping.
682
00:27:16,434 --> 00:27:18,267
And we open in two days,
683
00:27:18,351 --> 00:27:21,059
and I'm scared
that the critics
are gonna kill him.
684
00:27:21,810 --> 00:27:23,017
Oh, boy.
685
00:27:23,101 --> 00:27:25,685
I gotta do something,
and I don't know what.
686
00:27:26,726 --> 00:27:28,142
Oh.
687
00:27:28,226 --> 00:27:30,184
-Lewis's girlfriend.
-Yeah?
688
00:27:30,267 --> 00:27:31,476
-Carol.
-Yeah?
689
00:27:31,559 --> 00:27:33,184
She's a professional crier.
690
00:27:33,267 --> 00:27:34,810
-Yeah?
-Hire her for opening night.
691
00:27:34,893 --> 00:27:37,017
Let her sit in the audience,
she'll sob away.
692
00:27:37,101 --> 00:27:38,518
-Really?
-Once she starts sobbing,
693
00:27:38,601 --> 00:27:40,476
everyone else
will start sobbing.
Sobs are contagious.
694
00:27:40,559 --> 00:27:43,142
-You can never have
enough criers. No.
-Abs-- I know. You can't.
695
00:27:43,226 --> 00:27:45,059
What the hell is that?
696
00:27:46,226 --> 00:27:48,476
That, my stout friend,
697
00:27:48,559 --> 00:27:51,434
is a urinal revolution.
698
00:27:51,518 --> 00:27:53,601
Clive:
She's a good ship,
the Kon Tiki.
699
00:27:53,685 --> 00:27:55,768
I named her Kon Tiki
700
00:27:55,851 --> 00:27:58,601
in memory of
the Peruvian sun god.
701
00:27:58,685 --> 00:28:00,017
And here I am,
702
00:28:00,101 --> 00:28:02,810
following in Tiki's footsteps.
703
00:28:02,893 --> 00:28:06,351
My only companion was a parrot
704
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:09,351
that had snuck aboard.
705
00:28:09,434 --> 00:28:11,101
(laughs softly)
706
00:28:11,184 --> 00:28:14,101
-He's not doing good.
-Clive: ...used to be
a tough school.
707
00:28:14,184 --> 00:28:16,810
-Those first few weeks...
-(yawning)
708
00:28:16,893 --> 00:28:18,935
...in the Humboldt Current.
709
00:28:19,017 --> 00:28:20,726
-Which one is she?
-Clive: Before this journey,
710
00:28:20,810 --> 00:28:22,518
-my life was...
-Larry: Oh, there she is.
711
00:28:22,601 --> 00:28:24,434
She's got
my mother's stole on.
712
00:28:24,518 --> 00:28:26,226
She's wearing
the stole.
713
00:28:26,309 --> 00:28:28,518
Clive:
I have the purpose,
but not the wind.
714
00:28:28,601 --> 00:28:29,851
(yawns)
715
00:28:30,601 --> 00:28:34,476
Now there is no day,
no night,
just the relentless...
716
00:28:34,559 --> 00:28:37,559
Ah. There.
She's gonna start.
717
00:28:37,643 --> 00:28:40,810
I am completely alone.
718
00:28:41,643 --> 00:28:44,726
Even my parrot Lorita
has perished.
719
00:28:44,810 --> 00:28:46,851
(sobbing)
720
00:28:50,393 --> 00:28:53,893
(sobbing continues)
721
00:28:53,976 --> 00:28:55,434
Perished.
722
00:28:56,976 --> 00:28:59,434
(sobbing)
723
00:28:59,518 --> 00:29:01,059
Lorita.
724
00:29:01,142 --> 00:29:02,476
Perished!
725
00:29:05,434 --> 00:29:07,976
Look out.
It's really catching on now.
726
00:29:08,059 --> 00:29:11,810
I give my last will
and testament to the waves
727
00:29:11,893 --> 00:29:13,935
-who refuse to weep with me.
-(women sobbing)
728
00:29:14,017 --> 00:29:18,017
My final epitaph written
in the froth and the foam.
729
00:29:18,101 --> 00:29:21,309
Pity the man, who thought
730
00:29:21,393 --> 00:29:23,685
he could go back in time.
731
00:29:26,810 --> 00:29:28,267
Goodbye, Kon Tiki.
732
00:29:28,351 --> 00:29:30,059
(wails): No!
733
00:29:30,893 --> 00:29:33,518
(women sobbing)
734
00:29:38,309 --> 00:29:40,935
Clive:
From a distance,
could it be?
735
00:29:41,017 --> 00:29:42,935
It's land!
736
00:29:43,017 --> 00:29:46,851
Oh! Praise be, Tiki!
737
00:29:49,017 --> 00:29:51,476
Praise be!
738
00:29:51,559 --> 00:29:54,351
(cheering, whistling)
739
00:29:55,393 --> 00:29:56,810
Yeah! Yeah!
740
00:29:56,893 --> 00:29:58,851
Bravo! Wow!
741
00:30:05,518 --> 00:30:08,309
-Yes! Yes! Yes!
-Yeah.
742
00:30:08,393 --> 00:30:10,935
Thank you.
Worked like a charm.
She did great.
743
00:30:16,017 --> 00:30:18,393
Larry:
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
744
00:30:18,476 --> 00:30:21,476
Hey, Carol. Carol.
745
00:30:21,559 --> 00:30:22,976
Oh, Larry, hi!
746
00:30:23,059 --> 00:30:24,184
-Hi.
-How are you?
747
00:30:24,267 --> 00:30:25,643
Good. So, um...
748
00:30:25,726 --> 00:30:27,810
I just wanted to
congratulate you
on that...
749
00:30:27,893 --> 00:30:29,351
magnificent performance.
750
00:30:29,434 --> 00:30:31,476
Oh. It was a very
emotional play.
751
00:30:31,559 --> 00:30:33,351
-(giggles)
-Yeah, it was really special.
752
00:30:33,434 --> 00:30:35,643
I really got to see you
do your thing.
753
00:30:35,726 --> 00:30:38,184
-Mm-hmm.
-And the more I watched you,
754
00:30:38,267 --> 00:30:40,184
the more I'm convinced
755
00:30:40,267 --> 00:30:43,726
that what you did at the table
at lunch that day
756
00:30:43,810 --> 00:30:45,685
was total bullshit.
757
00:30:45,768 --> 00:30:49,101
-Wow.
-Your mother didn't fall
into the subway tracks.
758
00:30:49,184 --> 00:30:51,559
That's a cock-and-bull story
if I ever heard one.
759
00:30:51,643 --> 00:30:53,226
-Give me the stole back.
-You're just being rude.
760
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:55,518
-Carol, give me the stole.
-Get-- Larry!
761
00:30:55,601 --> 00:30:57,726
-Hey.
-(Carol yelling)
762
00:30:57,810 --> 00:31:00,017
-Hey, hey, hey.
What's the problem?
-Larry, this is--
763
00:31:00,101 --> 00:31:01,726
-(whimpering)
-What's going on?
764
00:31:01,810 --> 00:31:03,726
Okay. She's
a professional crier,
765
00:31:03,810 --> 00:31:07,267
and she conned her way
into getting that stole off me.
766
00:31:07,351 --> 00:31:10,393
-It's my mother's stole.
-Excuse me. Officer,
he is mocking me.
767
00:31:10,476 --> 00:31:13,351
He gave me this stole.
My mother passed away.
768
00:31:13,434 --> 00:31:15,976
And this stole
reminds me of her.
769
00:31:16,059 --> 00:31:17,601
-And this is all I've got.
-Okay. You see?
770
00:31:17,685 --> 00:31:19,393
-This is the same story.
-This is the only thing I've got
771
00:31:19,476 --> 00:31:21,476
-to remember her by.
-She told me the same story
about,
772
00:31:21,559 --> 00:31:23,351
-about being in a subway.
-(wailing)
773
00:31:23,434 --> 00:31:24,893
But she took that stole from me.
774
00:31:24,976 --> 00:31:26,434
-That's my mother's stole.
-(loud wailing)
775
00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:27,893
She-- I inherited
that stole.
776
00:31:27,976 --> 00:31:30,893
-She gave it to me.
-You can't take it back!
777
00:31:30,976 --> 00:31:32,768
-(Larry chattering)
-(Carol wailing)
778
00:31:32,851 --> 00:31:35,267
-Officer: Stop. Stop it.
Hey. Hey, guy.
-(Larry and Carol shrieking)
779
00:31:35,351 --> 00:31:37,393
-Officer:
Hey, what are you doing?
-I want my stole!
780
00:31:37,476 --> 00:31:39,101
-I want-- Aah!
-Officer: Hey, hey.
781
00:31:39,184 --> 00:31:40,643
Hey, what are you doing?
782
00:31:40,726 --> 00:31:43,142
-Crying?
-No, that's crying.
That's not crying.
783
00:31:43,226 --> 00:31:45,142
-No, she's not!
-I'm crying!
784
00:31:45,226 --> 00:31:46,935
I'm crying, Larry!
785
00:31:47,017 --> 00:31:49,226
-I paid her to cry like this!
-All right, let's walk it off.
786
00:31:49,309 --> 00:31:52,059
-Walk it off? She's a,
she's a bullshit artist!
-Let's take a walk. I know.
787
00:31:52,142 --> 00:31:55,017
-Officer: I know. Come on.
Let's walk it off.
-Thank you, Officer.
788
00:32:00,559 --> 00:32:02,351
Clive:
Excuse me.
789
00:32:03,017 --> 00:32:05,476
-Oh. Hi.
-Hi.
790
00:32:05,559 --> 00:32:08,309
I, uh... I couldn't help
noticing you out there.
791
00:32:08,393 --> 00:32:10,935
You seemed very moved.
It was very inspiring.
792
00:32:11,017 --> 00:32:13,810
Oh, I mean, you inspired me.
Your performance was incredible.
793
00:32:13,893 --> 00:32:16,476
Honestly, you were...
It was amazing.
794
00:32:16,559 --> 00:32:19,142
-Wh-what's your name?
-I'm Carol.
795
00:32:19,226 --> 00:32:20,893
I'm Clive.
796
00:32:20,976 --> 00:32:22,685
I know.
797
00:32:24,685 --> 00:32:25,893
Larry:
Leon!
798
00:32:25,976 --> 00:32:28,476
Leon, where's my jacket?
799
00:32:29,559 --> 00:32:31,059
Leon!
800
00:32:36,059 --> 00:32:37,226
Leon!
801
00:32:37,309 --> 00:32:39,101
Leon! What the hell's going on?
802
00:32:39,184 --> 00:32:40,726
You said you were
going to deflate it.
803
00:32:40,810 --> 00:32:43,476
You know what?
I didn't get around to it.
I'll...
804
00:32:43,559 --> 00:32:45,393
-Slipped my mind.
-Slipped your mind.
805
00:32:45,476 --> 00:32:47,226
-It was there,
then the shit was gone.
-You know what I think?
806
00:32:47,309 --> 00:32:49,518
I think you gave it a name.
You're keeping it
around the house.
807
00:32:49,601 --> 00:32:51,976
You can't get rid of this thing.
You're fuckin' her,
aren't you?
808
00:32:52,059 --> 00:32:53,643
I'm not gonna sit here
and let you do this shit
to me right now.
809
00:32:53,726 --> 00:32:54,935
-Oh, you're not?
-No, I'm not.
810
00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:56,393
Okay.
Well, you know what?
811
00:32:56,476 --> 00:32:58,184
Say goodbye to her,
'cause I'm deflating her
right now.
812
00:32:58,267 --> 00:32:59,810
-Fuck you, Larry.
-Fuck you, Leon.
813
00:32:59,893 --> 00:33:01,059
Fuck you, Larry.
814
00:33:01,142 --> 00:33:02,601
Be good, Sherry.
815
00:33:05,142 --> 00:33:08,393
(air hissing)
816
00:33:10,559 --> 00:33:13,226
(air sputtering)
817
00:33:16,851 --> 00:33:19,434
(rhythmic squeaking)
818
00:33:21,267 --> 00:33:22,893
-Matilda: Mr. Larry!
-(Larry grunting)
819
00:33:23,017 --> 00:33:25,851
-(loud grunting)
-I found your jack--
820
00:33:25,935 --> 00:33:27,976
(air hissing)
821
00:33:29,518 --> 00:33:30,685
Asco!
822
00:33:30,768 --> 00:33:32,309
-No. No. Basta!
-Oh!
823
00:33:32,393 --> 00:33:34,309
-Eres un pervertido.
-No, no, no!
824
00:33:34,393 --> 00:33:36,601
I quit! You're worse
than Miss Susie!
825
00:33:36,685 --> 00:33:38,518
No, I'm just deflating her!
826
00:33:38,601 --> 00:33:40,601
No! Wait! No!
827
00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:42,142
Aah!
828
00:33:44,434 --> 00:33:46,518
Oh, my God!
829
00:33:46,601 --> 00:33:47,976
(air hissing)
830
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:49,643
Larry.
831
00:33:50,559 --> 00:33:51,851
Oh, God.
832
00:33:51,935 --> 00:33:54,518
-(air squeaking)
-Cheryl: God.
833
00:33:54,601 --> 00:33:57,810
(squeaking)
834
00:33:58,518 --> 00:34:00,851
-Susie: Ha-ha.
-So, here's to the play.
835
00:34:00,935 --> 00:34:02,309
-Jeff: Yes!
-Kon Tiki.
836
00:34:02,393 --> 00:34:04,518
-Cheers. Cheers.
-Susie: Fantastic.
837
00:34:04,601 --> 00:34:06,059
-Kon Tiki.
-Cheers.
838
00:34:06,142 --> 00:34:07,685
Jeff:
God, that was just...
839
00:34:07,768 --> 00:34:09,226
Hey, do me a favor.
840
00:34:09,309 --> 00:34:10,851
Just the one line
from the review.
841
00:34:10,935 --> 00:34:13,184
-Clive: Oh, no.
-Carol: Read it! Yes!
842
00:34:13,267 --> 00:34:15,142
-Jeff: Come on, man.
-You should be proud!
843
00:34:15,226 --> 00:34:18,518
-(laughing)
-Susie: Want to hear it in
your beautiful, dulcet tones.
844
00:34:18,601 --> 00:34:19,851
Okay, here we go.
It says,
845
00:34:19,935 --> 00:34:22,935
"Clive Owen's portrayal
of Thor Heyerdahl
846
00:34:23,017 --> 00:34:26,059
"is as nuanced, varied,
and moving
847
00:34:26,142 --> 00:34:28,017
as the ocean he traversed."
848
00:34:28,101 --> 00:34:29,559
-Oh.
-Fuck, yes!
849
00:34:29,643 --> 00:34:31,059
-Fuck yes!
-Carol: So good!
850
00:34:31,142 --> 00:34:32,559
-(all chattering)
-Thank you, honestly.
851
00:34:32,643 --> 00:34:34,726
Thank you for
making it all happen.
852
00:34:34,810 --> 00:34:36,935
-I've had the best time,
honestly.
-I've had the best time.
853
00:34:37,017 --> 00:34:39,017
Best reviews I've ever had.
854
00:34:39,101 --> 00:34:40,101
And also, you know,
855
00:34:40,184 --> 00:34:42,559
it's introduced me
to the most
856
00:34:42,643 --> 00:34:44,893
-beautiful, amazing woman.
-Oh.
857
00:34:44,976 --> 00:34:46,685
Thank you, Clive.
858
00:34:46,768 --> 00:34:48,935
-(laughs)
-Have some more.
859
00:34:49,017 --> 00:34:51,643
Mm. Oh, sweetie, actually, no.
I have to go to work.
860
00:34:51,726 --> 00:34:53,601
-Susie: Oh, you're
leaving so soon?
-Oh, my God.
861
00:34:53,685 --> 00:34:55,267
I've been so consumed,
862
00:34:55,351 --> 00:34:56,643
I haven't even asked you
what you do.
863
00:34:56,726 --> 00:34:58,976
I'm a professional crier.
864
00:34:59,059 --> 00:35:00,851
Bye, baby.
Bye, guys.
865
00:35:00,935 --> 00:35:03,476
-Thank you for everything.
-Susie: Bye, Carol.
866
00:35:07,518 --> 00:35:09,142
(door closes)
867
00:35:10,893 --> 00:35:12,434
Carol.
868
00:35:13,351 --> 00:35:15,768
-Hey, baby.
-A professional crier.
What the fuck is that?
869
00:35:15,851 --> 00:35:18,643
I get paid to go to,
you know, TV shows,
commercials.
870
00:35:18,726 --> 00:35:21,351
-Funerals sometimes.
-You get paid to go
to funerals and cry?
871
00:35:21,434 --> 00:35:23,768
-Yeah, it's my job.
It's what I do. Sometimes--
-The play.
872
00:35:23,851 --> 00:35:26,643
When you were crying
in the play, was that, was
that a job or was that real?
873
00:35:26,726 --> 00:35:29,184
No. No, it was real.
I mean, it was 10% more,
874
00:35:29,267 --> 00:35:30,976
-because that's what I'm paid,
but I would have cried--
-Did somebody pay you?
875
00:35:31,059 --> 00:35:32,601
-It was--
-Did Jeff pay you?
876
00:35:32,685 --> 00:35:35,601
-No. Honestly,
I'm not gonna have--
-So all of this is fake.
877
00:35:35,685 --> 00:35:37,017
None of this has been real.
878
00:35:37,101 --> 00:35:38,643
No, no, it isn't fake,
actually, Clive.
879
00:35:38,726 --> 00:35:40,476
-Isn't it?
-Yes, okay, it is fake!
880
00:35:40,559 --> 00:35:42,518
Is that what you
want to hear?
It's fake!
881
00:35:42,601 --> 00:35:45,226
-You-- Don't go!
-(grunts)
882
00:35:45,434 --> 00:35:46,893
Get-- Leave my--
883
00:35:46,976 --> 00:35:48,768
(engine revving)
884
00:35:51,643 --> 00:35:53,726
(honking)
885
00:35:53,810 --> 00:35:56,059
Carol, no! Carol!
886
00:35:56,142 --> 00:35:58,351
-(honking)
-(screams)
887
00:36:02,559 --> 00:36:04,559
(doorbell rings)
888
00:36:06,309 --> 00:36:07,935
Enjoy.
889
00:36:09,184 --> 00:36:11,226
Stay off the Internet.
890
00:36:11,976 --> 00:36:15,101
(theme music playing)
891
00:36:19,059 --> 00:36:21,142
♪ ♪
892
00:37:33,059 --> 00:37:34,810
Leon! Leon! Where are you?!
893
00:37:34,893 --> 00:37:37,184
-I'm back here!
-Look what I got!
894
00:37:37,267 --> 00:37:38,142
LEON: Ooh!
895
00:37:38,226 --> 00:37:39,351
LARRY DAVID:
We're gonna have some fun!
896
00:37:39,434 --> 00:37:40,226
(LAUGHS)
897
00:37:40,476 --> 00:37:42,476
♪ ("EL DESEO" BY
JANET SHERBOURNE PLAYS) ♪
898
00:37:42,559 --> 00:37:45,476
I'm having a surprise party
for Jeff for his birthday.
899
00:37:45,559 --> 00:37:47,476
-People hate surprise parties.
-No, no, no, no.
900
00:37:47,559 --> 00:37:48,851
-That's fun? That's fun?
-Yes.
901
00:37:48,935 --> 00:37:50,267
-(MOANS)
-Nobody's doing...
902
00:37:50,351 --> 00:37:51,309
-(MOANS)
-(MOANS)
903
00:37:51,393 --> 00:37:52,351
MAN: Why did you pass me?
904
00:37:52,434 --> 00:37:53,518
Did you hear
footsteps behind you?
905
00:37:53,810 --> 00:37:56,267
MAN: I heard footsteps and then,
whoosh! Right past me.
906
00:37:56,351 --> 00:37:58,101
You should've moved over
to the right to let me pass.
907
00:37:58,184 --> 00:37:59,267
You should've given me one
of these.
908
00:37:59,351 --> 00:38:02,810
-(WHISPERS) He's here!
-ALL: Surprise!
909
00:38:02,893 --> 00:38:04,976
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
71759
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