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["Can your Pussy Do the Dog"�
by the Cramps playing]
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♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪
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♪ You better move along... ♪
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MAIN TITLE
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♪ At the break of dawn ♪
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♪Now doggone it, baby... ♪
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪
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♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪
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♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪
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♪ Can your pussy do the dog... ♪
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[audience cheering]
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♪ Well this whole mess useless now
as a whistle on a plow ♪
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♪ If your pussy can't do the dog... ♪
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[applause]
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[audience cheering]
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[chuckles]
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Hey, you.
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Hi, everybody!
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Hi! Look at me going backwards�
and forwards to annoy the cameramen.
21
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[audience laughs]
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I'm very happy to be here�
with you tonight.
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I-- Do you know why I'm doing this?
I'll tell you why I'm doing this.
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It's absolutely true.
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I used to start every show
with "It's a great day for America."
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When I was touring around America,�
I'd say, "It's a great day for America,"
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and that's what I'd say. And then...
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right about November...
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[audience laughing]
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[applause]
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Yeah.
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Right?
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All right, all right.
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Right about November of last year,
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I'd say "It's a great day for America,"
and people would go fucking crazy!
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At each other! So I started doing this...
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in case anyone has a scope.
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[audience laughs]
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It's a very difficult time, of course,
for talking about--
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What I do for a living--
You talk, people get very angry.
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People are very--
The world is divided right now. Divided.
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You know, 70 percent
of people are like, "Boo!"
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And 30 percent of people are like, "Bah!"
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They were like that before.
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But the world is divided
over his opinion right now,
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and it's very difficult to make
everybody happy.
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You know what I'm talking about, right?
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We know who I'm talking about here.
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That's right. My beard.
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[audience laughs]
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But it's not a beard, everybody.�
It is not a beard.
52
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It is a mustache with�
an [French accent] accoutrement.
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[audience laughs]
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'Cause, you know, this what happened.
I grew a mustache,
55
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and then I was like,�
"Oh, that is too fucking creepy." So...
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so I had to go an extra bit�
to kind of bring it down a little bit,
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but I can't really grow a beard.
See? Look. Come on.
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Oh, my God. Look at your beard,
you handsome fuck.
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No, you. It's not TV.
I can fucking see you.
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That is a great-- See, I wish�
I could grow a beard like--
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Look at it! Jeez!
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You grow a beard
like taking a shit, right?
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Like, "Foom! Pfft!
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Beard."
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This is two years.
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Like, the mustache comes pretty fast.
I'm like,"Look at my mustache.
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I look dashing but weird and creepy
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like The Child Catcher
in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ," but...
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I heard this takes a long time,
but I've got--
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This is a mustache with an accoutrement.
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I've got other mustaches�
all over my body.
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I do! I have a handle bar mustache
under each nipple.
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I have a whiz bang on my ass.
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That's a whiz bang mustache.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
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Whiz bang mustache; a curly mustache�
with a curly bang-- a whiz bang.
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Not the wiz bang sex thing.
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Which I think is a thing.
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Yeah, wiz bang's gotta be a sex thing.
Like, a wiz bang.
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I think a wiz bang is when you have sex�
with someone from a Harry Potter film,
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and...
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and then you shout, "Wiz bang!"
at the end.
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"Wiz bang! Ten points to Gryffindor."
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[audience laughing]
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"No, thank you, Hagrid."
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[audience member hoots]
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I'm covered in mustaches all over my body.
People are outraged, but I don't care.
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Got a little Hitler mustache
above my junk.
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I do! Yeah, I do! Why not?
I got Hitler mustache above my junk,
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which is great,�
because when I get excited,
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it looks like I'm giving a Nazi salute
in my pants.
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[chuckling]
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[German accent]
"Hi, baby.
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I'll have sex with you now."
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"Oh come on, Craig.�
You can't make fun of the Germans."
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Yes, I can.
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It is the only group of people left�
on Earth you can make fun of.
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It is! You can't make fun of fat people,
or thin people or mi--
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Short people. You can't say "short."
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"No, don't say it." "I'm not going to!"
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You can't make fun of anyone!
Actually, not even Germans.
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They have to be Germans from the 1940s.
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[audience laughs]
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No, you can make fun of Germans.
They don't care.
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00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,563
Like, [German accent] "Oh, it's okay.�
Make fun of us.
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It's all right. Pull our hair.
Tweak our whiz bangs."
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Germans don't give a flat fuck�
what I think.
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That's my new thing I say�
to appeal to kids.
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Flat fuck. Hashtag: F-F.
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00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:34,709
"Flat fuck" is probably a sex thing, too.
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Yeah. [chuckles]
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A flat fuck...
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is sex in a British apartment.
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[audience laughing]
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[British accent] "I say, would you like
to have a flat fuck?
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00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,517
And by 'flat,' I mean 'apartment,'
and by 'fuck,' I mean 'tea.'"
116
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,439
So... [chuckles]
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00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,025
[Southern accent]
"So, you'd like me to have tea
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with ya in your apartment,
and not sex in any way."
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00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,445
[British accent]
"Absolutely."
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"Whiz bang this way. Walk this way."
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No, I am covered in hair. It's all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
122
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Everything's going to be all right.�
I have facial hair, which is--
123
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,585
Really, it's interesting.
When I was doing the late night show ,
124
00:06:17,668 --> 00:06:20,922
people would get so angry when I was--
I could talk about anything else.
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00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:23,424
I could talk about religion,
or politics, or anything.
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00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:24,592
They're like, "It's all right.
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00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:27,261
He's just a douchebag�
from a different country." But...
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00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,223
when I grew facial hair,
people would go crazy.
129
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,183
Cat ladies were like, "Ah!"
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They were like that anyway, but still!
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Even today.
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00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,108
You know,
on the on the internet, on Twitter,
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00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,069
which is usually�
such a supportive forum of...
134
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,196
[audience laughing]
135
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,199
Somebody on Twitter said--
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00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:50,827
I'm going to go on
with the show in a minute. I will.
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00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,913
Somebody on Twitter said,�
"Craig, that facial hair
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00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:57,959
makes your mouth look�
like a horizontal threadbare vagina."
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00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,128
[sparse laughter]
140
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,425
[laughter increases]
141
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,646
[applause]
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00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,566
[chuckling]
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00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:27,613
I realize half of the guys in this room
are like, "What the fuck is he doing?
144
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:29,824
Why's he touching the side
of his mouth like that? That's weird.
145
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,076
Is that a European thing?"
"Yeah!"
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[chuckles]
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People get very--
Cat ladies would get so mad.
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[stammers]
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00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,545
"Craig, you can't have a mustache,"
they used to tweet.
150
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,465
"You can't have a mustache.�
Tom Selleck has the mustache.
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00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,675
That was a real one.
Tom Selleck has the mustache."
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00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:50,094
I'm like, "It's not their mustache."
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00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,013
It's not like The Highlander :
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00:07:52,096 --> 00:07:54,015
[Scottish accent]
"There can be only one."
155
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Anybody can have a mustache. Come on.
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I don't know why cat ladies get so annoyed
at me having a mustache.
157
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,190
Anyway, what the fuck is a cat?
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A cat's, like, 80 percent mustache.
159
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:09,447
That's what a cat is. A mustache, asshole,
and claws. That's what a cat is.
160
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,075
It's also the name of my lawyers.
161
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:18,414
So no illegal videotaping,�
or you'll be getting-- I don't know.
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00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,459
There's kind of a rumor
amongst the cat ladies
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00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,836
that I don't like cat ladies,
which is not true.
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00:08:24,253 --> 00:08:26,088
It's not true at all.
I was raised by a cat lady.
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Well, you know, not really.
My grandmother was a cat lady.
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00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,677
She didn't have a cat, but she was
an angry, unpleasant bitter woman,
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00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,763
and I think that kind of counts.
168
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,228
I had my first sexual experience�
at my grandmother's house.
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Oh, not like that! Don't be so sick!
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00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,734
A little bit like that. No, not like that!
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00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:50,321
No, I was at my grandmother's house.
I used to stay there after school,
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because my mom had a job.
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00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:55,326
So my grandmother used to look after me,
but she didn't have time
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to really look after a little kid�
that was a fat little annoying boy.
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00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,831
She had angry letters
to write and stuff, so...
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00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:05,336
This is before Twitter.
It was a tough time for cat ladies.
177
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:09,257
So she used to leave me alone�
and what I would always do
178
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:13,177
is I found the Sears catalog,
the Scottish Sears catalog,
179
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,721
and I used to go�
to the ladies' underwear section
180
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:19,100
of the Scottish Sears catalog.
It was very erotic.
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00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:22,687
Big giant robust women,
in whalebone corsets...
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00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:27,650
standing around in fields
pretending to eat apples.
183
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,527
[audience laughing]
184
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:32,863
I've got a bit of a stiffy
just talking about it right now.
185
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,330
[chuckling]
186
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,916
There's kind of a rumor�
with the cat ladies.
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00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,710
What I'm saying is the cat--
By the way,
188
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,712
the cat ladies think�
that I don't like cats,
189
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:50,006
which is not true. I love cats.
190
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,173
I've got a cat.
191
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,843
I'm not one of these guys that, like--
Guys say this. They're like,
192
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,262
[deep voice]
"I don't like cats. I don't trust them."
193
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,015
Trust is a human concept.
194
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,934
I have three dogs.
I wouldn't lend them money.
195
00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:04,061
[audience laughs]
196
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,689
[as a dog]
"It was just 'til the end of the week."
197
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:07,607
No!
198
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:11,110
You can't trust animals like that.
They think differently.
199
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:14,530
You can't trust of hamster with your weed.
200
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,741
[audience laughing]
201
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,536
I learned that the hard way.
202
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,125
I will say this:
I love all God's creatures,
203
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:29,629
or all the universe's creatures,
whatever your belief system is, but I...
204
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,922
I don't care for hamsters.
205
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,717
That's the only one.�
I don't like them. They're bastards.
206
00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:39,305
I don't like hamsters. I was raised--
I wasn't raised by hamsters.
207
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:40,931
[laughs]
208
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,727
That would be great, though, if I was.
Like, "Why does he do that all the time?"
209
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:47,355
[chuckles]
210
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:50,191
No, I hated hamsters�
when I was growing up,
211
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:53,694
because they break your heart, hamsters.
They're little bastards.
212
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,489
'Cause they all-- they keep--
They're suicidal.
213
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,116
All hamsters want to do is die.
214
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,911
We went through one a month.
Every time you got hamster,
215
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,914
all it wants to do is get behind
the refrigerator and die!
216
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,626
We moved house when I was about 16.
We moved the refrigerator,
217
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:11,295
there was a pile�
of hamster bones behind it.
218
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,382
And they had formed into a church.
219
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,717
[audience groans]
220
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:21,889
You're right. That got a little too dark.
But you know, it's worth trying.
221
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:26,519
Anyway, let's go on with the show.
Right? We'll go on. Here's the thing.
222
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,354
No, here's the thing.
223
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,939
If you've ever seen me before,
224
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,234
you'll know that you're in for an evening
of crushing disappointment.
225
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:35,444
[audience laughs]
226
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:38,280
Maybe that's if you had sex�
with me before.
227
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:40,950
I'm joking, of course.
228
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,623
If you've ever see me before, you'll know
what I like to do with the evening
229
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,750
is tell a joke. Just one.
230
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:53,629
That's all I usually have time for,
because I get easily sidetracked.
231
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,549
But I do have a joke for you this evening,
232
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:59,468
and I'm very excited about it,
because it is, in fact,
233
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,096
the oldest joke in the world.
234
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,557
[audience]
Woooo!
235
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:08,060
Wait, don't do ghost noises.
I don't want to get scared!
236
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,062
But It is the oldest joke
in the world.
237
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,231
I don't know if it's the old--
Here's the thing.
238
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,359
My friend Cara is an Egyptologist, right?
239
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,570
And she's in Egypt, because...
240
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,196
why not?
241
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,868
Very little point in going to Winnipeg�
if you're an Egyptologist.
242
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,203
"Find any pyramids and shit?"
243
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,580
"Not a thing."
244
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:30,124
So, she's in-- she's in Egypt,
245
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,919
she called me up and said, "We are�
on an archaeological dig right now,
246
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:38,382
and we believe we have found�
the remains of a public bathroom."
247
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:41,469
I was like, "Oh, weird."
She went, "Yeah, but even weirder,
248
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,972
on the wall written
in Hieroglyphics, is a joke."
249
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,433
I was like, "Wow."
250
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,810
I don't know if it's the oldest joke,
251
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,937
but it's the first written joke�
in the world.
252
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:55,566
Before this joke,
jokes were told in the oral tradition,
253
00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:58,110
which would never work today,�
but they are--
254
00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:00,237
[audience laughs]
255
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,364
But it's the first written joke.
256
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,910
And of course, it was a huge change
in human society when jokes arrived,
257
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,329
and they started writing them down.
258
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,414
Writing changed everything.
259
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,876
You know, and it was a huge leap forward.
260
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,045
You know, and it split down the middle.
261
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:19,548
Some people really were for writing.
Like, "Writing is going to be great!
262
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,050
Writing is going to change everything.
263
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,844
Sooner or later we'll get�
to the enlightenment through writing."
264
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,971
And then there were people
who didn't like writing.
265
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:29,183
They were like, "No, we don't like it."
At least, we think they thought that.
266
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:32,061
They left no record�
of how they actually felt.
267
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,482
But you know there were people�
against even writing.
268
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:39,235
There would be people like,
"Oh, I don't know if it's a good idea.
269
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,238
All this writing's gonna lead
to fornicating."
270
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:44,323
[audience laughs]
271
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:47,576
They always do. You know, it's always
272
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,912
whenever something arrives,�
anything at all,
273
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,581
whenever there's any change,
humans are against it.
274
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,792
It's the only thing
that unites all humans,
275
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,418
is their hatred of change.
276
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,170
Which I think is really weird,
277
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:01,257
because it is the only thing
you can absolutely guarantee:
278
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,968
That there's going to be change.
There's always going to be change.
279
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:07,721
For example, in America,
in November of last year...
280
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,557
[audience laughs]
281
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,392
[chuckles]
282
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,185
...there was a bit of a change.
283
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,231
Don't worry,�
I'm not getting into the politics of it.
284
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:20,192
I'm not that guy. I'm not going�
to think it, but I have to say this.
285
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,611
When I saw that, I was like, "Hmm.
286
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:24,572
Shit."
287
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,413
I have only ever regretted�
leaving late night once.
288
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:35,207
[audience cheering]
289
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,792
When I heard...
290
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,836
[applause]
291
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,170
When I heard...
292
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:43,132
When I heard
Donald Trump was running for president,
293
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,634
I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
294
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,386
[audience laughs]
295
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,347
That's like when Dick Cheney shot�
his lawyer in the face.
296
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,724
It's just beautiful.
297
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,144
I mean, come on!
298
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,520
That's a gift.
299
00:14:56,645 --> 00:15:01,025
I used to have to work at monologues.
Now this fucker runs for president?
300
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:03,110
[audience laughs]
301
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:07,031
And I knew right away.
I knew right away he was gonna win.
302
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:10,659
Right away I knew. Other people were like,
"No, he's not gonna win."
303
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,413
I knew he was gonna win
right from the very first debate.
304
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:16,874
The very first one.
The first Republican debate,
305
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:19,585
when it was Jeb Bush,
said to Donald Trump--
306
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:20,711
Remember Jeb Bush?
307
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:25,049
Wasn't he adorable and non-threatening?
308
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:30,304
Jeb Bush said to Donald Trump,
he said, "Uh...
309
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:33,098
Donald, you said something bad
about Mexico,
310
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:36,477
and my wife is Mexican,
I would like you to apologize to her."
311
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,811
And Trump said, "No."
312
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,105
[audience laughs]
313
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:42,733
I was like, that's it.�
He's gonna fucking win.
314
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:49,490
And I-- You know, it always happens.
I'm thinking, "Jeb, you fucking idiot.
315
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,910
You idiot.
You have painted yourself into a corner.
316
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:55,913
You said to a man, 'Apologize to my wife.'
317
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:59,333
That man said, 'No.'
Now you have to fucking hit him.
318
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:03,754
It's in the Constitution
of the United States!"
319
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,632
[applause]
320
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:10,761
I knew he was going to win. I knew--
I knew he was going to win.
321
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:12,012
I was like, "Oh, fuck."
322
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:15,099
Just that amount of self-confidence.
I know America.
323
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:19,269
I'm American. I've studied Americans.�
They like someone who's confident.
324
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,188
It doesn't matter if they're right.
325
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:26,485
Just confident. It's that level�
of self-confidence is unbelievable to me.
326
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:30,322
I was watching him, I'm like, "How often�
does somebody like that turn up?"
327
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,617
[audience laughs]
328
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:37,246
I mean, it's that level of confidence.�
Look, you can like him or hate him,
329
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,540
or you can agree with him
or not agree with him, but...
330
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,625
that's inspirational.
331
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:45,212
Do you think he ever wakes up
like a normal human being
332
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:48,757
at four o'clock in the morning,
and thinks, "Maybe I'm a dick."
333
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,845
I don't think so. I think he wakes up
and goes, "I'm not a dick."
334
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,015
Everybody thinks that,
but I don't think he does.
335
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,892
I think he's totally confident.
Like, "Oh I'm not a dick."
336
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,311
And even like half of his own party�
are calling him a dick,
337
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:05,315
and everybody from half of the world
is calling you a dick. Maybe more.
338
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,693
You know,�
it was so difficult for me as well.
339
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,362
I felt personally
that I'd been shortchanged,
340
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,532
because where I come from,
in Glasgow in Scotland,
341
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:15,993
the word "trump" means "shit."
342
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,620
[audience laughing]
343
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:21,415
You'd say, "I had Indian food last night.
344
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:24,168
I've been trumpin' my brains out all day."
345
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:28,756
Or, "Ah, shit!
That seagull just trumped in my hair."
346
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:31,341
No, that's not true.
347
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,762
But if somebody tweets it...
348
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:37,723
[applause]
349
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:38,932
That's right.
350
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:41,769
That's how stuff becomes true now,
everybody.
351
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:45,522
Tweet it, retweet it,
retweet it, fucking true.
352
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,232
[audience laughs]
353
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:48,609
See, it used to be...
354
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,779
in the old days of journalism--
you young kids won't remember this,
355
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,655
but in the old days of journalism,
356
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,116
they used to do something�
called "fact checking."
357
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,662
And fact checking, what they would do is
they find out if something was true first
358
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,372
before they reported it.
359
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,249
Isn't that adorable?
360
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,834
[audience laughs]
361
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:08,128
Now it's like, "Got to be first!"
Like, "Is it true?"
362
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,172
"Who fucking cares?
Get it up there! Quickly! First!
363
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,132
Tweet, retweet, tweet!"
It's on the website.
364
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,717
"Boom, boom!" Right?
It's on Buzzfeed,
365
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,762
right next to "Six Celebrities�
who are taller than you'd think."
366
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,931
[audience laughing]
367
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,519
"Wow, Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one?
I can't believe it."
368
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,648
Oh, she is.
369
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,860
She is. We can make that happen.
370
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:36,156
Like, if we start tweeting tonight,
"Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one,"
371
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,159
in about a month,
she'll be six-foot-fucking-one.
372
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,371
She'll be going for jobs�
as, like, this sassy blonde,
373
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,540
and they'll be like, "No, she's too tall."
374
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,377
"What height is she?" "Six-foot-one."�
"Are you sure?"
375
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:51,588
Reese Witherspoon will google herself,
and go, "What the fuck is going on?"
376
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,513
I've never met her,
but I'm sure that's how she talks.
377
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:02,933
"What the fuck is going on?"
and then she'll, like a little hamster,
378
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:06,061
then she'll go behind the refrigerator.
379
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,688
All right, all right.
380
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,065
You're right. That was too dark.
381
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,529
Anyway, look, the point is,�
I think I'm gonna shave my beard off.
382
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,906
-[audiene oohs]
-Oh! Excuse me?
383
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,701
Did I say, "Let's have an audience poll"?
384
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,411
[audience laughs]
385
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,581
No. I think I'm gonna have�
to shave it off. I'll tell you why.
386
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,458
Because I have a 16 year old son--
I have two sons, but one of them 16,
387
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:31,879
and he said something to me�
about my beard, and I'm like, "You..."
388
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,298
[audience laughs]
389
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,134
He said-- he said,�
"Dad, I like your beard."
390
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:38,677
I was like, "Mm-hmm."
391
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:41,096
He was like, "Yeah.
392
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:43,223
Makes you look like a magician."
393
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,392
[audience laughing]
394
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:48,604
"Fuck you."
395
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:52,149
That's how you deal
with teenagers, parents.
396
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,401
You know, good parenting: "Fuck you."
397
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:56,987
[chuckles]
398
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,866
'Cause he knows-- 'cause he knows�
I hate magic and I hate magicians.
399
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:03,368
Oh, yeah. "Ta-da." "Fuck off."
400
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,705
I don't like it. "Oh, what'd you call--"
401
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,665
"Put them away!"
402
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:11,877
"Look what's in my hat."
I don't care what's in your fucking hat.
403
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,716
See, now I tell people
that I don't like magic and magicians,
404
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:20,385
and they're like,
"Craig, what are you talking about?
405
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,471
You love magic. You love magicians.
406
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:25,807
You're the only late night host�
in the history of late night television
407
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,560
that had Magic Week twice a year
for ten years.
408
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:32,147
You are the magician's friend."
Au contraire, motherfuckers.
409
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,233
[audience laughs]
410
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,193
No, I don't like magic and magicians.
411
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,237
I didn't have Magic Week�
on the late night show
412
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,905
because I like magic and magicians.
413
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:43,784
I had Magic Week,
'cause my friend Chris likes tequila.
414
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:47,788
Let me explain.
415
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,750
I couldn't tell this story before,
because it's technically illegal.
416
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,252
It's illegal.
417
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:57,214
What's CBS going to do?�
Fire me? It's too late.
418
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,882
So, here's the thing.
419
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,717
-[audience cheers]
-Thank you, everybody.
420
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,052
[applause]
421
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:04,179
[chuckling]
422
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:08,517
So here's the story. Here's what happened.
This is true. This is why it happened.
423
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,435
Just when I started doing�
the late night show,
424
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,856
my friend Chris went to Las Vegas
for the first time.
425
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,609
Uh, he's a nice kid from Wisconsin.
Crazy, lovely guy,
426
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:19,861
and he never been to Las Vegas before.
427
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,155
So he went, and he was there
for the first time, and he loved it.
428
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,950
It was fantastic.�
He was staying at the MGM Grand,
429
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,660
the one with the big lions and stuff.
430
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:28,370
And his first morning there,
431
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,956
he goes down to the all-you-can-eat
breakfast buffet.
432
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:32,916
I don't have you been to Vegas,
but it's very classy,
433
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,002
and you can eat anything you want.
434
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:36,586
And he'd never been,
435
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:40,424
and he was like, "So I can have anything?
Anything at all for breakfast? Anything?"
436
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:43,927
And they're like, "Yeah."
"Okay, I'll have tequila. Ha-ha-ha."
437
00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:46,596
And they thought he was cute,
so they gave him tequila.
438
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,765
Which is not a good idea.
You should never--
439
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:51,226
Kids, never have tequila for breakfast.
440
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:55,647
Tequila for breakfast can lead to tequila
for mid morning snack, and...
441
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,943
What happened is that Chris started
drinking tequila at 9:00 a.m.,
442
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:01,486
which is very bad idea.
443
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,822
And right at about
two o'clock in the afternoon,
444
00:22:03,905 --> 00:22:07,492
he did something�
which you should never do on tequila.
445
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,745
He had an idea.
446
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:12,205
[audience laughing]
447
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,500
Here's what happened. He was like...
448
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,210
[mutters]
449
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,630
And he goes outside, 'cause he thought,
"I have to see a bit of outside."
450
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:26,303
He goes outside, and the complimentary
limousine for the MGM is outside.
451
00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:28,472
And the driver isn't in it,
but he left the engine running,
452
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:30,891
because of the air conditioning.
So the engine's running,
453
00:22:30,974 --> 00:22:33,727
and it's got "complimentary limousine"
written on it, and he thinks...
454
00:22:33,935 --> 00:22:35,854
"Well, if it's complementary...
455
00:22:38,231 --> 00:22:40,442
That's French for 'free,' isn't it?
456
00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,153
[French accent] Complementary.
457
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:48,533
I'll take it!" So he got in the limousine,
and he drove it away.
458
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:50,619
[audience laughs]
459
00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:53,246
That's not allowed.
460
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,457
He drove this�
complimentary limousine away,
461
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,709
and he was driving
down The Last Vegas Strip,
462
00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:01,213
and he's like, he starts--
He's not a bad guy. Chris is a good guy.
463
00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:03,173
He starts to go, "Wait a minute.
What have I done?"
464
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:06,927
He's got "Bad Chris" on one shoulder,
and "Good Chris" on another shoulder.
465
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:10,931
Bad Chris is like, "Yeah, let's make
for the border! Ha-ha! Fuck everybody!"
466
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:15,018
And Good Chris is going,
"Chris, what are you doing?"
467
00:23:16,311 --> 00:23:17,854
'Cause Good Chris is gay.
468
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,981
[audience laughing]
469
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,317
That doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry.
470
00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:24,444
[chuckling]
471
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:29,282
What are you doing, Chris?
Eventually, Good Chris won the day.
472
00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:32,661
And Chris is like, "Oh, my God.
I can't do this," so he stops the car.
473
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:35,872
This is true. He stopped the car�
in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip,
474
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:39,126
and he got out and there's�
fucking helicopters and cops chasing him,
475
00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,837
He was like, "It's fucking going off!"
and he put his hands up,
476
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,840
and he did what many--�
certainly I might do in that situation,
477
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:47,467
he put his hands up and he started to cry.
478
00:23:49,177 --> 00:23:53,557
Big salty wet tears falling down.
479
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,600
But unfortunately,
480
00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:59,646
the Last Vegas Police Department�
have seen a grown man cry before.
481
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:01,773
[audience laughing]
482
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:06,278
And their hearts did not�
grow three sizes that day.
483
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:12,409
And they took my friend Chris,
and they put him in jail.
484
00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:17,664
In jail. Chris can't go to jail.�
He's a beautiful, smooth kid.
485
00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:20,542
He's gorgeous. I mean,�
he's really a handsome guy.
486
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:24,129
I'm not gay, but I'd start a tickle fight
with him, see where it went.
487
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:26,715
Oh, we're tickling.
488
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:30,260
Ha-ha, buddy. We're tickling.
Ooh, we're kissing. Okay, we're kissing.
489
00:24:30,343 --> 00:24:32,429
[audience laughing]
490
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,349
That's all right. It's cool.
491
00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:38,768
[laughs]
492
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:40,729
Anyway, here's the thing.
493
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,939
As they take Chris
and put him in jail, he's freaking out.
494
00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:44,149
So, you know,
495
00:24:44,441 --> 00:24:47,777
he's like-- They say, "Okay you get�
to make one telephone call. Only one."
496
00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:50,405
And he's freaking out,
he's still kind of drunk on tequila,
497
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:52,782
and he can only remember�
one telephone number.
498
00:24:52,866 --> 00:24:54,576
The place where he works.
499
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,830
The Late Late Show�
with Craig Ferguson on CBS.
500
00:24:58,914 --> 00:24:59,748
That's true.
501
00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,167
So I got a call in my office�
that afternoon.
502
00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:05,921
This guy says, "Will you accept a call�
from The Last Vegas City Jail?"
503
00:25:06,004 --> 00:25:08,173
I was like, "You bet I will!
504
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:09,633
[audience laughs]
505
00:25:09,716 --> 00:25:11,134
[applause]
506
00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:13,011
Yes, indeed!
507
00:25:13,386 --> 00:25:16,848
I was wondering what the monologue
was going to be tonight. Yeah!"
508
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,646
So, well...
509
00:25:22,729 --> 00:25:25,732
I actually thought it was family, so I--
510
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:27,817
[audience laughs]
511
00:25:28,944 --> 00:25:32,197
But it was Chris, and he was like,�
"Man, I fucked up! I'm in a jail in Vegas.
512
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,074
I'm in a lot of trouble. I stole a car,
513
00:25:34,157 --> 00:25:35,617
and oh man, it's bad."
514
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,578
I was like, "Chris! Oh my God!�
This is awful.
515
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:42,290
Don't start any tickle fights,
don't look at them in the eye.
516
00:25:42,999 --> 00:25:44,376
Don't worry, I'm gonna come get you.
517
00:25:44,459 --> 00:25:46,962
I'm going to get you out of there, buddy.
You hang tight."
518
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:50,549
He's like, "Okay," and I hung up,
then I thought, "I'm not going to Vegas."
519
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,634
[audience laughs]
520
00:25:53,677 --> 00:25:55,053
Then I thought,�
"I gotta get him out of there.
521
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:58,056
He's way too smooth�
to be in jail in Las Vegas."
522
00:25:58,431 --> 00:26:01,393
No-- You know, he's not equipped�
for that kind of thing, so...
523
00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:03,186
I thought, "How am I going
to get him out?"
524
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:06,273
I don't know if you know this about me,
but in the 1980s,
525
00:26:06,481 --> 00:26:07,566
[chuckles]
526
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:10,443
I worked in Manhattan.
527
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:14,197
I worked in the Manhattan Island area
of New York City,
528
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:18,034
and I was still "waiting�
on my green card confirmation."
529
00:26:18,201 --> 00:26:22,038
[audience laughing]
530
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:25,500
and so I worked in construction�
for some guys
531
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:28,253
who had an informal
employment arrangement, and...
532
00:26:28,336 --> 00:26:30,338
[audience laughs]
533
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:33,633
I kept in touch with one of the guys
from the life back in the 80s,
534
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:37,137
so I called up this guy--
You know, let's call him "Tony."
535
00:26:39,639 --> 00:26:41,808
I call up Tony,�
and I'm like, "Hey, Tony. It's Craig.
536
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:44,436
He was like, "Hey, what's a come and a go?
Tutti frutti .
537
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,439
Ay-ya-ya. Ay, ha-ha!
538
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:49,357
Oh, icecream!"
539
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:52,235
He's Italian.
540
00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:58,825
I call up Tony, and tell him about Chris.
541
00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:03,204
He's like, "I don't know anybody�
in Las Vegas." I was like, "Oh, no."
542
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:07,208
But he said he did know a guy in Philly
who might be able to help,
543
00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:10,920
so we called up his friend in Philly.
Let's call him "Carmine."
544
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,589
[audience laughs]
545
00:27:12,672 --> 00:27:13,882
Also Italian.
546
00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:16,343
But Carmine didn't know anyone�
in Vegas, either,
547
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:18,970
but he did know a guy in Chicago.
I'm like, "All right."
548
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:22,682
We get on the line and call this guy
in Chicago. Let's call him "Frankie."
549
00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:23,850
Um...
550
00:27:24,517 --> 00:27:26,061
So, we got-- [chuckles]
551
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:28,772
And Frankie does actually know a guy�
in Las Vegas,
552
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:30,899
We call up this guy--
That-- This is what happened.
553
00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:33,485
Three Italians and a Scotsman on the--
554
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:36,071
It's not even a joke!
That's what was happening.
555
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:38,198
[audience laughs]
556
00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:41,034
And we call up this guy in Las Vegas.
I swear, it's true.
557
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:44,162
A judge in Las Vegas�
that you know, Frankie knows.
558
00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:45,080
And...
559
00:27:45,205 --> 00:27:47,332
I can't believe I'm telling you this,
but it's true.
560
00:27:47,415 --> 00:27:49,626
This is how you know it's true,
'cause it's so outlandish,
561
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,461
you're like, "That can't be true."
562
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:52,921
But it's true.
563
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:56,883
The judge was completely honest,
and in no way open to a bribe.
564
00:27:57,008 --> 00:27:59,719
[audience laughs]
565
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:03,515
I was like, "This is fucking Las Vegas�
we're talking about, right?"
566
00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:05,892
But the judge was like,�
"No, I can't help you, fellas."
567
00:28:05,975 --> 00:28:08,978
But we got talking,
and threatening, and...
568
00:28:09,062 --> 00:28:10,522
[audience laughs]
569
00:28:10,605 --> 00:28:13,191
And eventually, it turned out
570
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,277
that-- I swear this is true.�
It could only happen in America.
571
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:18,113
It could really only happen in Las Vegas.
572
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:20,949
It turned out�
the judge was not only a judge.
573
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:23,952
He also represented magicians.
574
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,955
[audience laughs]
575
00:28:27,330 --> 00:28:28,164
[chuckles]
576
00:28:28,248 --> 00:28:29,499
I swear it's true.
577
00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:32,210
Now, the magicians�
that this judge represented,
578
00:28:32,293 --> 00:28:34,963
they weren't kind of like, you know,�
white tiger magicians
579
00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:36,798
or David Copperfield,
or anything like that.
580
00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:40,635
They were off the strip magicians.�
You know, North Las Vegas magicians.
581
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:43,722
Guys that were jumping�
out of dumpsters, going, "Eh!"
582
00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:51,813
So we talk to this judge,�
and the judge says, "All right, Craig.
583
00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:55,066
I'll tell you what. You book Magic Month--
A month of my magicians,
584
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:58,486
and I'll let your buddy walk." I'm like,
"Magic Month?" He went, "Magic Month."
585
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,321
I went, "Fuck it, Judge. Hang him."
586
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:02,407
[audience laughs]
587
00:29:03,032 --> 00:29:05,827
So we argue a little bit.�
We get it down to Magic Week.
588
00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:09,831
And I book five of these shitty magicians,
and Chris walks, and...
589
00:29:10,665 --> 00:29:14,461
What was he really guilty of, anyway?
High spirits in Las Vegas?
590
00:29:15,086 --> 00:29:19,841
Well, the judge pointed out technically
it was grand theft auto and a DUI.
591
00:29:21,259 --> 00:29:23,970
One to five in Nevada, first time.
592
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:25,638
I know. Tickle fight.
593
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,309
That's how, you know--
That's how I had Magic Week,
594
00:29:29,392 --> 00:29:33,188
because I had to get Chris out of jail.�
Now, I know that explains one Magic Week.
595
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:36,941
It doesn't explain Magic Week
twice a year for ten years.
596
00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:42,572
It's not like I was running�
a crime syndicate in Las Vegas.
597
00:29:44,532 --> 00:29:47,911
What happened was,
I booked five of these shitty magicians,
598
00:29:48,161 --> 00:29:50,580
but if you remember that late night show,
599
00:29:50,663 --> 00:29:54,167
shitty magicians was
kind of the vibe I was going for.
600
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:56,419
[audience laughs]
601
00:29:57,045 --> 00:29:59,130
But when I tell people,�
"I don't like magicians."
602
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:02,926
They're like, "Craig, you love magicians.
Who are you, man?
603
00:30:03,176 --> 00:30:07,096
You like cats.
You've got more than one mustache.
604
00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:09,724
You hate magicians?
605
00:30:09,891 --> 00:30:11,976
You're not the guy we made up in our heads
606
00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:14,813
when we were watching free TV
when we were high.
607
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:16,564
[audience laughs]
608
00:30:16,689 --> 00:30:20,109
We don't recognize you." And I understand.
I don't recognize myself anymore.
609
00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:22,153
I'm 55 years old for God's sake.
610
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,738
[audience hoots]
611
00:30:23,863 --> 00:30:25,031
How dare you?
612
00:30:26,366 --> 00:30:28,159
Ooh, still not dead. Look at you.
613
00:30:29,869 --> 00:30:33,790
No, 55. I was like, "I should have been
dead a while ago, I think, really."
614
00:30:33,873 --> 00:30:34,874
Thanks.
615
00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:40,171
No! I don't know what happened.
I've changed beyond all recognition.
616
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,965
I don't drink, I don't smoke.
617
00:30:42,048 --> 00:30:43,800
I don't-- I don't fuck around.
I don't take drugs.
618
00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:46,761
I don't gamble. I don't eat meat.
I don't do dairy.
619
00:30:46,970 --> 00:30:50,890
I've got Mormons coming up to me saying,
"You should lighten the fuck up, pal."
620
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:52,976
[audience laughing]
621
00:30:53,059 --> 00:30:54,853
[applause]
622
00:30:57,564 --> 00:30:59,816
[chuckling]
623
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:02,652
You know what it is?�
It's-- Los Angeles did it to me.
624
00:31:02,735 --> 00:31:04,612
Los Angeles turned me into a pussy.
625
00:31:06,489 --> 00:31:08,825
Actually, I kind of stopped drinking
before I went to LA.
626
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:11,911
Stopped taking drugs before I went there.
Stopped taking drugs before--
627
00:31:11,995 --> 00:31:13,955
Scotland, really, I did all the drugs.
628
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,624
That's right.
I did all the drugs in Scotland.
629
00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:18,042
No, I did all the drugs.
630
00:31:18,126 --> 00:31:22,589
Like, "Does anyone have some heroin?"
They're like, "No, Craig's taken it all."
631
00:31:23,590 --> 00:31:26,426
"But we want to do Trainspotting ."
"Sorry."
632
00:31:27,051 --> 00:31:30,638
I did a lot of drugs in Scotland.
That's-- that's where I needed them.
633
00:31:31,931 --> 00:31:34,642
Not to escape the violence,
and Sectarian hatred.
634
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:35,810
You get used to that.
635
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:37,687
[audience laughs]
636
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:41,149
It's like living next to the airport.
Hardly notice it after a while.
637
00:31:41,858 --> 00:31:43,026
[screams]
638
00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:45,194
What, what? Oh, ha-ha. Yeah, yeah.
639
00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:50,909
No, I needed drugs in Scotland.
Not to escape that kind of stuff,
640
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:54,370
but to escape
my mother's sense of interior design.
641
00:31:55,705 --> 00:31:58,291
Now remember, I came of age in the 1970s,
642
00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:01,377
the worst design period in human history.
643
00:32:01,544 --> 00:32:03,463
It was awful.
It was a terrible time to do it.
644
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:06,174
You young hipsters bring it back
even fucking ironically.
645
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:10,762
It was a terrible time in the 1970s.
It was awful. Life was hell.
646
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:16,601
They had nylon bed sheets in the 1970s.
What kind of madness is that?
647
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:21,481
Nylon bed sheets? That's crazy! When I was
staying at my grandmother's house,
648
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:24,609
when I was 16, I used to have to sleep
in the spare bedroom.
649
00:32:24,692 --> 00:32:26,361
There were nylon sheets on that bed,
650
00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:29,197
and I was in there,
I was 16, with a Sears catalog.
651
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,741
[audience laughs]
652
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:37,205
You got a teenage boy and a Sears catalog,
there's going to be friction.
653
00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:42,585
And fiction plus nylon equals electricity.
654
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:45,546
[audience laughing]
655
00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:50,510
I thought Jesus was angry with me.
656
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:53,805
[applause]
657
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:01,854
It was a terrible time in 1970s.�
Everyone had sideburns.
658
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,523
Everyone had sideburns!
659
00:33:03,606 --> 00:33:05,400
Men had sideburns,
women had sideburns.
660
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,360
Everyone was covered in hair.
It was terrible.
661
00:33:07,485 --> 00:33:09,070
Everyone was hairy. It's true.
662
00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:10,905
If you look at 70s porno,
663
00:33:11,030 --> 00:33:13,449
it looks like a documentary about bears.
664
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:15,535
[audience laughs]
665
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:17,453
[chuckles]
666
00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:21,207
No, I came of age during the-- There's
this terrible period in human design,
667
00:33:21,290 --> 00:33:23,543
and then you combine that�
with my own Mother's--
668
00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:25,211
Listen, I loved my mother.
669
00:33:25,294 --> 00:33:29,215
I did, but she had the design instincts�
of a Middle Eastern dictator.
670
00:33:30,466 --> 00:33:33,261
Maybe worse, even.
If Saddam Hussein had come to her house,
671
00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:36,639
he'd have been like, "This is a bit�
over the top. Don't you think?"
672
00:33:36,723 --> 00:33:38,725
[audience laughing]
673
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,687
'Cause Saddam Hussein talked�
like gay Dracula.
674
00:33:42,770 --> 00:33:44,480
[audience laughs]
675
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:45,606
That's so...
676
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:47,692
[chuckling]
677
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:49,861
My apologies to any gay vampires.
678
00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:50,945
[groans]
679
00:33:51,904 --> 00:33:54,157
[as a vampire]
"Finally, a joke for us.
680
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:58,494
One. One joke for us."
681
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:03,082
It was terrible in her house,
because it was the 70s,
682
00:34:03,166 --> 00:34:04,917
and because it was my mom's design.
683
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:06,919
Those of you that were around�
in the 1970s,
684
00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:08,921
we used to--
we used to sit around the TV.
685
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:13,176
A TV was like a phone, except you couldn't
get calls on it. It was weird. Uh...
686
00:34:14,594 --> 00:34:17,722
Uh, but we used to sit,
and it was a small room and a TV,
687
00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:19,974
and then those of you�
that remember the 1970s,
688
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:21,893
you'll remember that wallpaper.
You probably remember.
689
00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:25,063
The wallpaper with the onions?
The kind of onion thing on it?
690
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:29,025
There was onions and a kind of a line�
held together by kind of a membrane.
691
00:34:29,108 --> 00:34:32,528
You know I'm talking about? It was kind of
like a brown and yellow kind of onion.
692
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:35,656
It looked like Larry King's testicles
on the wall.
693
00:34:36,491 --> 00:34:38,993
Not that I've seen Larry King's testicles.
694
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,455
[audience laughing]
695
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:44,165
I've seen one.
696
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:50,296
But it was from a distance.
He was running away, so...
697
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:52,048
"Why are you chasing me?"
698
00:34:52,131 --> 00:34:54,092
"Come on Larry, let's have a tickle fight."
699
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:56,928
[chuckles]
700
00:34:57,595 --> 00:35:00,598
It was like, they had
a Larry King testicle wallpaper
701
00:35:00,681 --> 00:35:03,226
which was-- Oh, my God. It was horrible.
Then on the ceilings,
702
00:35:03,309 --> 00:35:06,771
in the 1970s, they used to put this stuff�
that looked like whipped cream
703
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:08,648
with porridge in it. It looked like--
704
00:35:08,731 --> 00:35:12,026
It looked like seagulls' shit�
with grit inside it or something.
705
00:35:12,193 --> 00:35:15,863
This-- this weird ceiling gunk.
It was like meringues on the ceiling.
706
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:16,989
Highly flammable.
707
00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:20,243
You get on nylon sheets and jerk off...
the whole thing would go up.
708
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,453
[audience laughing]
709
00:35:25,206 --> 00:35:26,582
Ta-da! So...
710
00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:29,794
So, you got-- [chuckles]
711
00:35:29,877 --> 00:35:32,547
You got that Larry King's testicles�
on the wall,
712
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:37,343
and there's seagulls' shit on the ceiling,
and then shag carpeting.
713
00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:41,430
Shag carpeting looked like�
mammoth pubes on the floor.
714
00:35:41,514 --> 00:35:44,225
Shag carpeting the color�
of an Orange Julius,
715
00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:47,687
or perhaps a particular president.
There's, uh...
716
00:35:48,771 --> 00:35:51,524
There's orange shit on the floor,
717
00:35:51,607 --> 00:35:52,608
the things up there,
718
00:35:52,692 --> 00:35:53,860
and the fucking that.
719
00:35:55,194 --> 00:35:56,070
It was like...
720
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,989
[applause]
721
00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:00,241
It was like being on bad acid�
in that room.
722
00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:03,035
And sometimes,
I was on bad acid in that room.
723
00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:05,246
And then, in the center of the room,
724
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:07,999
there was the pièce de résistance.
725
00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:11,419
Which of course, as you know,�
is French for "piece of resistance."
726
00:36:11,627 --> 00:36:13,921
[audience laughing]
727
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:18,634
Conversation piece coffee table.
Everyone had one in the 1970s.
728
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:20,553
We were no exception.
They had to be good, right?
729
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:22,763
It had to be kind of,
like, a flamboyant thing.
730
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:26,058
Like, "This is our little Versailles
in the middle of our house."
731
00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:30,146
And ours, it was meant to look
like this ornate coffee table.
732
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:33,774
It was meant to have four marble legs,�
but we couldn't afford marble.
733
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:36,777
So, it was like gray plastic�
with a purple line drawn on it.
734
00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:39,572
It was very penis-y.
735
00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:41,657
[audience laughing]
736
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,869
Like four straight penises coming at ya.
737
00:36:45,745 --> 00:36:47,288
Sounds better than it was.
738
00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:51,375
[laughs]
739
00:36:52,293 --> 00:36:55,922
Four penis-y legs, and then--
And then on top of that,
740
00:36:56,005 --> 00:37:00,509
a fabric which has since been outlawed
since the 70s: Burgundy velveteen.
741
00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:03,638
It was terrible. And then it's on top
of the burgundy velveteen,
742
00:37:03,721 --> 00:37:06,849
a tableau made out of some kind
of recycled metal,
743
00:37:07,016 --> 00:37:09,268
uh, of horses galloping.
744
00:37:09,477 --> 00:37:12,188
But it wasn't horses galloping�
like that, galloping along.
745
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:16,400
It was like they were coming towards you.
It was their faces. Like, "Ah!"
746
00:37:17,151 --> 00:37:20,071
Four horses,�
and then on top of that, smoked glass,
747
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:23,241
'cause you gotta have smoked glass,
'cause it's the 1970s.
748
00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:25,701
So, it looked like�
the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
749
00:37:25,785 --> 00:37:29,080
coming at you�
from some sort of dangerous volcano.
750
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:32,708
It was impossible to do drugs
off of that table.
751
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:35,169
[audience laughs]
752
00:37:35,378 --> 00:37:37,338
I'd chop a line, go down to get it,
753
00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:40,049
see the horses, shit my pants,
and run away.
754
00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:43,386
No. It was bad.
755
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:47,014
So, you know, anyway,�
I don't do drugs anymore, I don't drink,
756
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:48,474
You know, I'm cleaned up.
757
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:50,977
I'm all right. I'm a vegan, for God sakes.
758
00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:54,188
Truth. No, save your energy, vegans.
759
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:56,899
[audience laughing]
760
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,359
[laughs]
761
00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:00,820
No, I am, though. I am vegan.
762
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:03,489
It's weird when you're vegan.�
It makes people angry, doesn't it?
763
00:38:03,572 --> 00:38:06,450
People get angry when you say--
Well, Americans get angry.
764
00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:08,536
They're like, "Vegan?
You hate America now?"
765
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:10,621
Americans get angry. Canadians...
766
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:14,166
they don't get angry.
They just don't understand the concept.
767
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:16,335
Like, [Canadian accent] "Vegan. Okay!
768
00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,754
[audience laughing]
769
00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:20,339
Can you have bacon?"
770
00:38:25,594 --> 00:38:28,723
But people think you've joined a cult,�
or something, when you become a vegan.
771
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,349
Like, "Can you have an egg?"
772
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:32,393
It's like, "I can have what I want.
773
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,312
It is a dietary choice."
774
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:38,149
It's not like if I have an egg,�
the vegan SWAT team are gonna show up.
775
00:38:38,691 --> 00:38:41,193
"Hi, we're the vegan SWAT team.
Oh, we're tired."
776
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:42,194
[pants]
777
00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:44,822
[audience laughs]
778
00:38:46,657 --> 00:38:48,451
No, it's just a choice. That's what it is.
779
00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,536
You get old enough, you start to notice,
780
00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:53,414
you know, certain things have�
an effect on your body.
781
00:38:53,706 --> 00:38:55,333
For example, if I eat an egg,
782
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:57,585
I don't take a trump for three days.
783
00:38:58,961 --> 00:39:01,505
Oh, that's a thing now.
That's a thing now.
784
00:39:01,756 --> 00:39:03,758
Yeah. It's a thing now.
785
00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:06,093
[cheering, applause]
786
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:07,219
That's a thing.
787
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:09,472
But you know, it's--
788
00:39:09,555 --> 00:39:12,600
Then it's the opposite if I drink milk.
If I drink milk, it's like...
789
00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:14,685
"Hrrrm.
790
00:39:14,810 --> 00:39:16,812
Hrrm, ah.
791
00:39:16,896 --> 00:39:18,105
Ow, ooh."
792
00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:20,399
[whooshes]
793
00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:23,944
It's like one of these weather guys in
a hurricane or something. It's horrible.
794
00:39:24,028 --> 00:39:26,030
[audience laughs]
795
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,990
It's just that I notice things
have an effect.
796
00:39:28,074 --> 00:39:30,284
For me, the big one of course is alcohol.
797
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:33,287
If I drink alcohol,
I have an allergic reaction,
798
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:37,249
which manifests itself�
in a craving for more alcohol.
799
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:39,168
[audience laughs]
800
00:39:39,251 --> 00:39:42,254
And of course, that leads to more alcohol,
801
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:43,464
and more alcohol.
802
00:39:43,631 --> 00:39:45,841
Before you know what's happening,
I wake up three days later
803
00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:50,137
in a shallow grave in Bogotá,
with my fingers smelling like Bill Cosby.
804
00:39:50,262 --> 00:39:51,472
[audience laughing]
805
00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:53,557
[audience]
Ooh.
806
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:55,267
[applause]
807
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:56,435
Wait, wait.
808
00:39:57,603 --> 00:39:59,522
You just fucking "Ooh" me?
809
00:40:00,523 --> 00:40:05,152
You just ooh-ed me, and then gave yourself
a round of applause for ooh-ing me.
810
00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:07,780
"Ooh. Yeah, we showed him."
811
00:40:11,283 --> 00:40:14,578
Let me just point out,
it was not me that did that.
812
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:18,874
[audience laughing]
813
00:40:19,166 --> 00:40:22,002
[imitates Bill Cosby]
814
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:23,629
[applause]
815
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:28,050
[chuckles]
816
00:40:28,467 --> 00:40:31,887
Look, what I'm saying is I don't drink,
and I don't do drugs, I'm a vegan.
817
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:34,932
You know the real reason I became a vegan?
I know it's probably not--
818
00:40:35,015 --> 00:40:37,518
It doesn't behoove me to say it,
but you know who I blame.
819
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:38,519
Netflix...
820
00:40:39,353 --> 00:40:40,271
Fuckers.
821
00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,439
[audience laughing]
822
00:40:41,522 --> 00:40:43,524
My guess is this will be cut out.
823
00:40:45,025 --> 00:40:45,860
But...
824
00:40:45,943 --> 00:40:48,696
-[applause]
-[chuckling]
825
00:40:49,572 --> 00:40:51,574
Welcome back from the edit, everybody.
826
00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:53,659
[audience laughing]
827
00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:57,788
[chuckling]
828
00:40:58,164 --> 00:41:01,750
No, you know what?
Netflix is an excellent thing, isn't it?
829
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:04,003
[audience cheers]
830
00:41:04,086 --> 00:41:05,588
No, here's the thing.
831
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,340
I watched a documentary about,
you know, uh,
832
00:41:08,424 --> 00:41:12,553
bad meat, or something, on Netflix.
And I'm like, "Oh, no."
833
00:41:12,970 --> 00:41:15,556
I stopped eating meat for a couple days,
and then I tried to go back,
834
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:17,224
and I can't. It's still in my mind.
835
00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:21,353
I keep thinking about it. It's like�
the Sears catalog, but like food.
836
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:23,981
Can't get it out of my head.
Can't go back.
837
00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:26,984
Netflix has changed me. It's changed me.
838
00:41:27,067 --> 00:41:30,321
Because of Netflix, I had to go to Japan.
839
00:41:30,571 --> 00:41:32,573
[audience member]
Woo!
840
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:34,533
-Let me explain.
-[audience laughs]
841
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,577
This is a true story. I--
842
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:39,955
When I was about 13 years old,
when I was 13,
843
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:43,959
my father and I went on a father-son trip,
the only one we ever took,
844
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:48,088
to visit my uncle James, who lived�
in Long Island, just outside New York.
845
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,383
It was my first time in America.
It changed me. I wanted to go there.
846
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:54,011
I wanted to be part of all that.
I wanted to go and live in America.
847
00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:56,305
So, when my--
So when my own son,
848
00:41:56,388 --> 00:41:58,599
you know, my oldest boy turned 13,
849
00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:02,102
I said, "Wherever you want to go�
in the world, son, you and me go there.
850
00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:06,273
Just you and me, and we'll go there."
And I'm hoping like, "Come on, Montreal!"
851
00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:08,359
[audience cheers]
852
00:42:08,442 --> 00:42:10,236
[applause]
853
00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:14,490
Or "Wherever you're watching this
on Netflix." I was like that.
854
00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:16,909
[audience laughing]
855
00:42:17,493 --> 00:42:21,372
"Wow, how did he know we were at--
Yeah, no, people really like it here.
856
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:23,165
In 'our region'" So...
857
00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:25,334
[audience laughs]
858
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:28,712
because we-- we've been watching Netflix,
859
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:30,756
I said to my son,�
I said, "Anywhere you want."
860
00:42:30,839 --> 00:42:32,591
And because we watch Netflix--
861
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:35,386
He watches Japanese anime.�
He loves anime.
862
00:42:35,469 --> 00:42:39,598
And he loves, like, Cowboy Bebop ,
and Soul Eater , and I guess Pokemon,
863
00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:41,600
and all that stuff.
It's all this amazing stuff.
864
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:44,603
He loves all that, so he said,
"No Dad, I want to go to Japan."
865
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:46,647
I never really thought about
going to Japan.
866
00:42:46,730 --> 00:42:48,899
I wasn't for it. I wasn't against it.
867
00:42:48,983 --> 00:42:50,401
It just never really occurred to me.
868
00:42:50,484 --> 00:42:52,820
It was like having sex�
with a ginger person or something.
869
00:42:52,903 --> 00:42:54,280
It just never really...
870
00:42:55,197 --> 00:42:56,824
never really came up.
871
00:42:57,032 --> 00:43:00,327
[audience laughing]
872
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:04,540
Maybe once with Carrot Top,
I thought about it for a minute, but...
873
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:07,918
I don't like props. So, they...
874
00:43:08,460 --> 00:43:09,587
[chuckles]
875
00:43:10,462 --> 00:43:12,756
But I was wrong
to not want to go to Japan.
876
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:14,091
I mean, Japan is amazing.
877
00:43:14,174 --> 00:43:16,594
Somebody here must have been to Japan.
Anyone been to Japan?
878
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,346
It's an unbelievable place.
Beautiful place.
879
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,390
I think when�
Japanese people visit the west,
880
00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:25,019
they must think we are�
backward heathen Medieval savages.
881
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:27,855
Just by the way we clean our bottoms.
882
00:43:28,397 --> 00:43:30,649
And they may have a point.
I mean, look, think about this.
883
00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:34,028
Imagine-- I wouldn't wish this on you,
but imagine you got a little piece of...
884
00:43:34,111 --> 00:43:35,279
trump on your hand.
885
00:43:35,362 --> 00:43:37,364
[audience laughs]
886
00:43:38,282 --> 00:43:41,577
All right. Imagine you got a little piece�
of shit on your hand. It can happen.
887
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:44,496
I don't know. You're at party,
a tickle fight starts, you know.
888
00:43:45,205 --> 00:43:48,417
Suddenly, your fist is covered
in human feces.
889
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,629
Oh come on. We've all been there.
890
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:55,007
[laughing]
891
00:43:56,133 --> 00:43:58,302
I feel happy not to be on CBS.
892
00:43:58,427 --> 00:43:59,345
But yeah...
893
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:00,346
[audience laughs]
894
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,806
No. Imagine you got�
a piece of shit on you, right?
895
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:06,018
You don't you don't get a piece�
of dry paper off the wall,
896
00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:08,020
and go, "Okay, that's it. Clean now.
897
00:44:08,103 --> 00:44:09,855
Yeah, that's good. Let's go."
898
00:44:09,938 --> 00:44:11,940
[audience laughing]
899
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:14,151
That's what you do
in the bathroom in the west.
900
00:44:14,234 --> 00:44:16,028
Poop, scrape, done.
901
00:44:16,737 --> 00:44:20,366
Japanese bathroom:
Entirely different experience.
902
00:44:20,699 --> 00:44:24,870
You go to Japanese bathroom, it is
tran-scen-fucking-dental, my friends.
903
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:25,871
It's beautiful.
904
00:44:25,954 --> 00:44:28,666
You walk in a Japanese bathroom,
the lights change.
905
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:31,543
It knows you're there,�
and the Enya music starts up.
906
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:35,005
[hums new-age tune]
907
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:39,134
It's beautiful, and the portal opens up�
to another dimension.
908
00:44:39,593 --> 00:44:42,179
It's unbelievable. It's just gorgeous.
909
00:44:42,262 --> 00:44:44,973
And you sit down in the seat,
and it is warm.
910
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:49,937
Warmed by electricity. Not that fat guy
in front of you at the airport.
911
00:44:50,604 --> 00:44:51,730
Electricity!
912
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,857
[applause]
913
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:57,903
You're like, "This is nice,"�
and you do your filthy business,
914
00:44:57,986 --> 00:45:00,698
and then when you're finished,
it knows when you're finished.
915
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:04,284
Which I think is weird, 'cause sometimes,
I don't even know when I'm finished.
916
00:45:04,368 --> 00:45:05,494
[audience laughs]
917
00:45:05,577 --> 00:45:06,912
But it knows.
918
00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,707
And when you're finished, and you're done,
919
00:45:09,873 --> 00:45:13,168
water jets start up.
Water jets from underneath.
920
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:15,337
You're like, "Oh! What's going on?"
921
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:18,799
It's like little midget firefighters
are down there. Shhh!
922
00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:21,218
"Come on! Let's get it out of here!"
923
00:45:21,343 --> 00:45:23,846
"Not on my watch!
God damn it! Come on!"
924
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:27,015
Like, "Oh! Oh, my God."
925
00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:29,017
[audience laughing]
926
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:31,770
When that's over, you think,
"It can't get better than that."
927
00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:33,188
You are wrong.
928
00:45:34,064 --> 00:45:37,192
Then, when that's over, dryers start.
929
00:45:37,317 --> 00:45:38,193
Dryers!
930
00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:40,279
[hums deeply]
931
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:43,824
It's like monks are chanting�
directly into your anus.
932
00:45:43,949 --> 00:45:47,035
[humming deeply]
933
00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:49,329
[growling]
934
00:45:49,413 --> 00:45:51,415
[audience laughing]
935
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:55,043
When that's over, you think,
"It can't get better than that."
936
00:45:55,127 --> 00:45:56,587
You're wrong again!
937
00:45:57,087 --> 00:45:58,088
When that's over...
938
00:45:58,172 --> 00:45:59,423
Ff-- poof!
939
00:45:59,506 --> 00:46:02,509
A mushroom cloud of scented talcum powder.
940
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:03,886
[audience laughing]
941
00:46:03,969 --> 00:46:05,053
I was like, "Oh!"
942
00:46:11,351 --> 00:46:13,353
[applause]
943
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,773
[sobbing]
944
00:46:24,156 --> 00:46:28,452
It's not often I say this, but I left that
bathroom a better man than walked in.
945
00:46:28,535 --> 00:46:30,078
[audience laughs]
946
00:46:30,162 --> 00:46:30,996
[chuckles]
947
00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:35,584
Actually, the truth is, when it was over,�
I just sat there, like, "My God.
948
00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:38,170
Wonder if I could go again."
949
00:46:38,253 --> 00:46:40,255
[audience laughing]
950
00:46:40,672 --> 00:46:42,132
But the toilet knows.
951
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:47,513
"You can go again
in four hours, 23 minutes."
952
00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:49,890
"See you then, Nessen 5000."
953
00:46:50,015 --> 00:46:52,309
"Take care, Space Cowboy."
954
00:46:54,144 --> 00:46:57,439
So, thanks for that, Netflix,
I guess. I, um...
955
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:00,776
Just to think about it.
I'm working for Netflix.
956
00:47:00,859 --> 00:47:02,736
We all kind of work for Netflix now.
957
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:05,447
Like, it's changed the world.
This Netflix thing.
958
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:08,075
You know, being able to watch shows�
when you want to watch it.
959
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:10,911
There's not just Netflix.
There's Netflix and Hulu and Crackle,
960
00:47:10,994 --> 00:47:13,956
and you know, Ass Bandit.�
I don't know, all the different ones.
961
00:47:14,039 --> 00:47:16,458
And they--
I don't know if Ass Bandit is one.
962
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:18,544
-But you know what I mean.
-[audience laughs]
963
00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:19,795
There's all these different things.
964
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,755
You can watch
whatever show you want to watch
965
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:23,173
when you want to watch it,
966
00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:25,050
which I think is a good idea.
967
00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:26,760
Except...
968
00:47:27,010 --> 00:47:28,846
when it comes to the news.
969
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:31,598
I don't think you should�
be able to watch the news
970
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:33,976
when you want to watch the news�
and what you want to watch,
971
00:47:34,059 --> 00:47:37,771
because it can have-- that's
at the core of what's going wrong,
972
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:40,107
because all the conservatives
watch Fox News
973
00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:42,568
so they can get the news�
the way they agree with it.
974
00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:46,238
And then all the liberals,�
they watch all the other media outlets
975
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:48,699
to get the news�
the way they agree with it,
976
00:47:48,782 --> 00:47:51,201
and then people�
who don't give a fuck just watch CNN.
977
00:47:52,744 --> 00:47:55,289
'Cause they really don't give a fuck.
That should be their thing now.
978
00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:57,666
[deep voice]
"CNN: We don't give a fuck."
979
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,839
Look out for my next special on CNN.
980
00:48:03,922 --> 00:48:05,507
[audience laughs]
981
00:48:05,591 --> 00:48:09,011
I get my news from the BBC.
982
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:11,597
-[audience cheers, applause]
-That's right.
983
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,348
Because, like many people,
984
00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:15,934
I believe if I hear the news
in an English accent,
985
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:19,396
-I'm somehow smarter than everybody else.
-[audience laughs]
986
00:48:19,521 --> 00:48:20,981
Kind of works, though.
987
00:48:21,064 --> 00:48:23,191
It kind of works, that English accent.�
I don't know why it works.
988
00:48:23,275 --> 00:48:27,654
I've met plenty of stupid English people.
'Ello, Gov'na. 'Ello. Wanna wiz bang?"
989
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:30,282
[audience laughing]
990
00:48:30,532 --> 00:48:33,201
But that upper class English voice,
it does it every time.
991
00:48:33,285 --> 00:48:35,495
I don't know why it does it to me.
It shouldn't but it does.
992
00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:38,248
I hear the news, and I'm like, "Oh, yeah."
It's like when they--
993
00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:41,335
[British accent] "Today in America,
Donald Trump said something very naughty,
994
00:48:41,418 --> 00:48:42,961
and everyone is very upset."
995
00:48:43,503 --> 00:48:46,298
I'm like, "I can imagine they are, BBC.
Thanks for the info.
996
00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:48,050
I'll just make a cup of tea,
997
00:48:48,383 --> 00:48:51,303
put some petrol in my lorry, and go away."
998
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:54,097
It's that voice that does it every time.
999
00:48:54,181 --> 00:48:56,433
If you ever want to imply
dignity and bearing,
1000
00:48:56,516 --> 00:48:59,061
you use an English upper class voice.
It always works.
1001
00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:01,104
In Star Wars , Obi Wan Kenobi
1002
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:03,315
when they're trying to get�
the Great Jedi Knight.
1003
00:49:03,398 --> 00:49:05,067
They used Sir Alec Guinness.
1004
00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:07,110
With that voice it was beautiful, that,
1005
00:49:07,235 --> 00:49:08,111
[British accent] "So...
1006
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:10,322
you want to be a Jedi."
1007
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,158
Which sounds great
and much better than,
1008
00:49:13,241 --> 00:49:14,826
[Southern accent]
"So you wanna be a Jedi?
1009
00:49:14,910 --> 00:49:16,620
[audience laughing]
1010
00:49:16,703 --> 00:49:17,537
[snorts]
1011
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:21,375
Feel the force, Luke."
1012
00:49:25,295 --> 00:49:27,381
That voice does it every time. That voice.
1013
00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:30,592
They did it with Hannibal Lecter too
in Silence of the Lambs.
1014
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:33,011
'Cause he was just serial killer,
but that's not scary enough.
1015
00:49:33,095 --> 00:49:35,555
You want to make him
a very clever serial killer
1016
00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:37,265
that will eat you after he kills you,
1017
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:39,476
so he would say, you know,
that voice,Tony Hopkins,
1018
00:49:39,559 --> 00:49:41,770
[British accent]
"Do you hear the lambs, Clarice?"
1019
00:49:41,853 --> 00:49:43,271
[audience laughing]
1020
00:49:43,355 --> 00:49:47,025
Very frightening. It's not frightening
if you just said, "Do you hear Lambs?"
1021
00:49:48,318 --> 00:49:50,570
I was never very frightened�
by that anyway, to be honest.
1022
00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:52,656
I was frightened enough,
but not extra frightened.
1023
00:49:52,739 --> 00:49:56,201
I'm frightened of serial killers,
but not of cannibal serial killers,
1024
00:49:56,284 --> 00:49:58,286
'cause once you're dead...
1025
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:00,414
[audience laughing]
1026
00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:02,499
It's the whole fucking point�
of being dead, isn't it?
1027
00:50:02,582 --> 00:50:04,710
Bon appétit, motherfucker. I don't care.
1028
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,839
At that point, you know,�
you can get the news from CNN.
1029
00:50:08,922 --> 00:50:10,799
You don't give a fuck anymore.
1030
00:50:12,467 --> 00:50:15,012
Afraid of cannibals? Kidding me?
1031
00:50:15,095 --> 00:50:16,763
Frightened of death a little bit.
1032
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:20,142
Stand to toy that notion. It worries me.
1033
00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:22,102
You young people,
you don't even think about it.
1034
00:50:22,185 --> 00:50:24,021
Fuck you man, with your great beard.
1035
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,440
"What is death? Is that like no wifi?"
1036
00:50:26,523 --> 00:50:27,357
Yeah. It is.
1037
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:30,360
[audience laughing]
1038
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:31,778
[chuckles]
1039
00:50:31,862 --> 00:50:34,614
You know, in about 50 years, they're�
gonna have to start burying people
1040
00:50:34,698 --> 00:50:37,117
with their phone like that in their hand.
1041
00:50:37,617 --> 00:50:40,328
'Cause if it's not on social media,
it didn't happen.
1042
00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:42,831
"Here's me decomposing.
[chuckles]
1043
00:50:42,914 --> 00:50:44,499
Hashtag: Mortality."
1044
00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:47,294
[audience laughing]
1045
00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:52,507
I realize being angry at young people�
and their technology is a sign of aging.
1046
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:56,762
I'm sorry. I don't mean it. It's just that
I'm kind of annoyed at smartphones. I--
1047
00:50:56,845 --> 00:51:00,140
I understand that they are very useful.
1048
00:51:00,223 --> 00:51:03,351
But they're very addictive,
and I have a bad history with addiction.
1049
00:51:03,435 --> 00:51:04,269
And I...
1050
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:07,022
I don't know if anyone has a good history
with addiction.
1051
00:51:07,105 --> 00:51:09,691
"Yeah, I was addicted to heroin.
It was awesome." Uh...
1052
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:14,863
But I have a history with it, and I think
they're addictive, but they're so useful.
1053
00:51:14,946 --> 00:51:17,949
I mean, I suppose heroin's useful as well,
sometimes when you're,
1054
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,577
"I just can't sleep." "Try heroin."
1055
00:51:20,660 --> 00:51:22,204
[audience laughs]
1056
00:51:22,746 --> 00:51:23,914
What it is, is like, they're so--
1057
00:51:23,997 --> 00:51:26,750
They're so useful they're really useful.
Like, I used one recently.
1058
00:51:26,833 --> 00:51:28,877
Got me out of a medical emergency,�
my cell phone.
1059
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:31,254
Well, it wasn't a medical emergency,
but it was a thing.
1060
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:33,965
I was on the road, I was touring,
1061
00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:36,301
and I-- I developed a lump in my ass.
1062
00:51:36,384 --> 00:51:37,636
[audience laughs]
1063
00:51:37,719 --> 00:51:40,388
Oh, yeah, thanks. That's a big laugh.
Thanks a fucking...
1064
00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,307
"Oh, ha-ha! Oh, a lump in your ass!"
1065
00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:43,975
[cackles]
1066
00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:46,394
No, I got a lump in my ass.
It was horrible.
1067
00:51:46,478 --> 00:51:48,480
And you know when you're young,
you get a lump in your ass,
1068
00:51:48,563 --> 00:51:51,066
"Lump in my ass! Ha-ha!
Let's go out!" But...
1069
00:51:51,316 --> 00:51:54,903
You get older, you think, "Lump in my ass?
Is this it? Is this how I'm gonna go?
1070
00:51:54,986 --> 00:51:57,447
-[audience laughs]
-Ass lump?
1071
00:51:57,989 --> 00:52:00,408
Is this gonna be--
this gonna be my TMZ thing?
1072
00:52:00,492 --> 00:52:02,410
'Oh, the curse of late night.
Another ass lump.
1073
00:52:02,494 --> 00:52:04,788
A former late night ass lump death.'"
1074
00:52:06,414 --> 00:52:09,459
I called up my doctor in Los Angeles,
and I described the lump in my ass,
1075
00:52:09,543 --> 00:52:11,294
and he's like, "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
1076
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:12,879
Do you have a smartphone?"
1077
00:52:12,963 --> 00:52:15,465
I was like, "Yeah! Is that it?
Is it radiation in my smartphone?
1078
00:52:15,549 --> 00:52:16,883
Is it giving me ass cancer?"
1079
00:52:17,342 --> 00:52:18,927
He was like, "No, you idiot.�
You have a smartphone?"
1080
00:52:19,010 --> 00:52:22,055
I went, "Yeah." He said, "All right.
Take a photograph of the ass lump
1081
00:52:23,682 --> 00:52:25,267
and email it to me."
1082
00:52:25,684 --> 00:52:27,561
I was like... "Doctor!
1083
00:52:27,644 --> 00:52:30,522
[audience laughing]
1084
00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:34,401
That usually has gotta be the third date."
1085
00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:37,154
But...
1086
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:38,780
he's a doctor, so...
1087
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,366
I got around there,
1088
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:43,410
thanks the Kundalini Yoga,
1089
00:52:46,288 --> 00:52:47,706
and I took a selfie.
1090
00:52:48,331 --> 00:52:51,376
It's very close up. It was very, you know,
it was a very kind of-- Right.
1091
00:52:51,459 --> 00:52:52,752
You wouldn't be able to tell.
1092
00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:54,713
Like, you wouldn't go,
"My God! An ass lump!"
1093
00:52:54,796 --> 00:52:56,173
It was an abstract looking thing.
1094
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:58,800
It looked like a tie dye T-shirt,
or something like that.
1095
00:52:58,884 --> 00:53:00,844
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
1096
00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:04,806
Next time you see one, you'll remember�
our special evening together.
1097
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:06,933
[audience laughs]
1098
00:53:07,601 --> 00:53:10,145
So anyway, I sent him a picture
of my ass lump.
1099
00:53:10,228 --> 00:53:13,106
He's like, "Oh yeah, what you got there,�
Craig, is a hemorrhoid."
1100
00:53:13,690 --> 00:53:15,609
I was like, "Oh!�
I've never had one of those."
1101
00:53:15,692 --> 00:53:17,694
He was like, "Well, congratulations.
1102
00:53:18,570 --> 00:53:19,988
You had a good long run.
1103
00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:22,032
Now you're one of us."
1104
00:53:22,824 --> 00:53:25,994
I was like, "What I do about it?"
He said, "Just put some cream on it."
1105
00:53:26,077 --> 00:53:27,787
I said, "No, not the hemorrhoid.
The photograph.
1106
00:53:27,871 --> 00:53:30,957
-What do I do with the photograph?"
-[audience laughs]
1107
00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:32,584
He's like, "I don't care."
1108
00:53:32,667 --> 00:53:36,504
And this is how you know I'm
a small-minded, petty, vindictive man,
1109
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:38,381
'cause I swear this is true.
1110
00:53:38,673 --> 00:53:41,676
I went to the caller ID section�
of my smartphone,
1111
00:53:42,427 --> 00:53:46,348
and it's the photograph that comes up
when my ex wife calls me.
1112
00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:49,226
-[audience laughing]
-I swear it's true.
1113
00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:51,603
Doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo,
doodle-loo-doo doo--
1114
00:53:51,686 --> 00:53:52,729
[screams]
1115
00:53:54,814 --> 00:53:56,608
The pain in my ass.
1116
00:53:56,775 --> 00:53:59,069
[audience laughs]
1117
00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:01,029
[chuckles]
1118
00:54:01,112 --> 00:54:03,365
But I'm addicted to my phone,
and then you try put it down,
1119
00:54:03,448 --> 00:54:05,867
you feel it-- strange shit happens to you.
1120
00:54:05,951 --> 00:54:09,621
I had a-- I had a paranormal experience
1121
00:54:09,704 --> 00:54:11,206
because of my smartphone.
1122
00:54:11,915 --> 00:54:13,375
Let me explain.
1123
00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:15,043
It's a true story.
1124
00:54:15,168 --> 00:54:16,419
After I, uh...
1125
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:18,964
after I finished the late night--
I quit the job one day.
1126
00:54:19,047 --> 00:54:20,840
If you've ever quit a job,
it's great the day you quit,
1127
00:54:20,924 --> 00:54:23,176
and then the day after,
you're like, "Oh, fuck."
1128
00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:24,552
[audience laughs]
1129
00:54:24,636 --> 00:54:27,222
So I was in day one of "Oh fuck,"
1130
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,432
and I thought,�
"I don't know what I'm going to do."
1131
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:32,811
What I do when I can't think of what
I'm going to do is I go on a road trip,
1132
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:35,730
and my best friend in the world,
my buddy John,
1133
00:54:35,814 --> 00:54:38,608
lives in a town called Prescott, Arizona,
which is about--
1134
00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:40,944
Which is about a six hour drive from LA.
1135
00:54:41,027 --> 00:54:43,321
That's how you know John's old.
He's quite an old fella.
1136
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:45,699
Because he lives in Prescott.
Everybody in Prescott is old.
1137
00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:47,325
I fucking love going to Prescott,
1138
00:54:47,409 --> 00:54:50,537
'cause people I don't know
in the street call me "kid."
1139
00:54:51,162 --> 00:54:52,789
Like, "Hey kid,�
what are you doing in Prescott?"
1140
00:54:52,872 --> 00:54:55,333
I'm like, "Just delivering newspapers,�
Mr. Peterson!"
1141
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:56,876
[audience laughing]
1142
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:59,546
I wear a hat�
with a little propeller on it and shit.
1143
00:55:02,924 --> 00:55:06,720
Anyway, so I thought, "I'll drive out�
and see John out in Prescott, Arizona."
1144
00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:08,847
I drive out to Prescott,
and just as I'm getting there,
1145
00:55:08,930 --> 00:55:11,182
this giant fucking western storm opens up.
1146
00:55:11,266 --> 00:55:14,477
These huge black clouds, and, ch-ch-ch,
lightning. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!
1147
00:55:14,602 --> 00:55:16,604
Well, you've seen a storm.
It was like that.
1148
00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:18,565
It was a really big one.
I was like, "Oh, fuck,"
1149
00:55:18,648 --> 00:55:20,233
and I just drive into Prescott...
1150
00:55:20,317 --> 00:55:24,321
I decide to go and stay in the hotel I saw
driving into Prescott.
1151
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:26,114
I'm going to tell you
the name of this hotel,
1152
00:55:26,197 --> 00:55:28,283
'cause you're not going to believe�
the story I'm gonna tell you,
1153
00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:30,285
and you're gonna wanna google
the name of the hotel.
1154
00:55:30,368 --> 00:55:34,164
And this is true. The hotel is called�
the Hassayampa Inn.
1155
00:55:34,247 --> 00:55:36,207
In Prescott, Arizona. Hassayampa.
1156
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:38,877
It's an old Yavapai Indian word.�
"Hassayampa."
1157
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:41,921
It means, "Follow the river
as far as it goes."
1158
00:55:42,130 --> 00:55:44,466
Which, I don't know�
why you need a word for that.
1159
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:45,967
[audience laughing]
1160
00:55:46,051 --> 00:55:48,428
How often does that come up?
1161
00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:50,889
[as Native American]
"Where are you going?"
1162
00:55:50,972 --> 00:55:52,140
"Hassayampa."
1163
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:54,309
"Again?"
1164
00:55:56,770 --> 00:55:58,396
"Shut up, Janice."
1165
00:56:00,982 --> 00:56:02,484
Anyway, that's not the point.
1166
00:56:02,567 --> 00:56:05,070
It's called the Hassayampa Inn�
in Prescott, Arizona.
1167
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:08,490
It was a beautiful little Victorian Inn,
but the rain was coming down,
1168
00:56:08,573 --> 00:56:11,868
I was like, "Oh fuck," so I run in,
I go to the hotel, I get in there,
1169
00:56:11,951 --> 00:56:15,747
and it's kind of-- there's an old-timer
behind the reception desk,
1170
00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:18,750
looked like Wilford Brimley
with a cat on top of his mustache.
1171
00:56:18,833 --> 00:56:20,960
And he's like... [grunts]
And I was like, "Excuse me, sir,
1172
00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:23,963
I haven't booked a room. Is there�
any way I can stay here tonight?"
1173
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:26,716
And he was like,�
"Yeah. The place is empty.
1174
00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:28,885
[audience laughing]
1175
00:56:30,595 --> 00:56:32,555
You can have the bridal suite.
1176
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:35,225
Room 426."
1177
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:36,851
I was like, "Great! I'll take it."
1178
00:56:37,519 --> 00:56:40,146
I go into the bridal suite,�
I was like, "Wow this is beautiful."
1179
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:42,857
It was a beautiful room,
and like a suite, really.
1180
00:56:42,982 --> 00:56:45,902
So I take out my smartphone
to send home a picture of it,
1181
00:56:45,985 --> 00:56:48,029
and my phone died. I'm like, "Oh, shit."
1182
00:56:48,154 --> 00:56:51,449
'Cause I left the charger in the car,
and it is fucking poppin' awful.
1183
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:53,201
Lightning and rain and stuff.
1184
00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:54,911
So I call the front desk, I'm like,
1185
00:56:54,994 --> 00:56:58,123
"Excuse me, my phone's not working.
Do you have a charger?"
1186
00:56:58,331 --> 00:57:00,792
And the guy said,
"There's a phone in your room, sir.
1187
00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:05,004
You're calling me on it right now."
1188
00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:07,173
[audience laughing]
1189
00:57:08,591 --> 00:57:11,428
I was like, "Yeah, all right. Never mind."
1190
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:16,683
I left the charger in the car,
and I thought,
1191
00:57:16,766 --> 00:57:19,477
"I don't want to go out to the car
and get the charger. Look at the rain.
1192
00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:22,439
You know what? I can deal
without my cell phone for one night.
1193
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:23,523
Come on!
1194
00:57:23,648 --> 00:57:25,525
I'm not addicted to my cell phone."
1195
00:57:25,608 --> 00:57:28,736
So I put my phone down,�
and I thought, "I have to pass the time.
1196
00:57:28,820 --> 00:57:31,698
It's late at night, I'm a man
on my own in a hotel room.
1197
00:57:31,781 --> 00:57:34,242
I'll watch late night television."
I turned it on,
1198
00:57:34,367 --> 00:57:36,786
I thought, "Nope, that's not for me."
And then...
1199
00:57:37,745 --> 00:57:39,914
I thought, "A man on my own...
1200
00:57:40,206 --> 00:57:41,708
in a hotel room."
1201
00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:43,793
Check the sheets. They were nylon.
1202
00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:45,879
[audience laughs]
1203
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,631
But even then I wasn't tempted--
1204
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:50,467
Yeah, I'm 55.
1205
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:52,510
Can't jerk off anymore.
1206
00:57:52,927 --> 00:57:56,055
If you haven't got someone to do it
for you by now, leave it alone.
1207
00:57:56,139 --> 00:57:58,141
[audience laughing]
1208
00:58:00,310 --> 00:58:01,519
It's a personal opinion.
1209
00:58:02,937 --> 00:58:06,858
Anyway, I thought, "I can leave�
my smartphone alone. I'm not addicted."
1210
00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:09,986
And then I started to feel--�
Listen, you know what I'm talking about.
1211
00:58:10,570 --> 00:58:13,823
I know withdrawal.
I know what it feels like.
1212
00:58:13,907 --> 00:58:16,910
And I was like "Wow, I fucking--
This is not good."
1213
00:58:16,993 --> 00:58:20,163
I started to have palpitations,
feel a bit panicky.
1214
00:58:20,246 --> 00:58:23,249
I was like, "Fucking hell. This is bad.
It's about the phone?"
1215
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:24,501
And then I'm like...
[pants]
1216
00:58:24,584 --> 00:58:27,504
And then I started to feel real panic,
like a panic attack.
1217
00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:28,630
Like, 'What the fuck?"
1218
00:58:28,796 --> 00:58:32,383
I started to feel like I was seeing things
out the corner of my eye, and I'm like...
1219
00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:35,053
I was like, "Fuck this shit."
I run out into the car to get it,
1220
00:58:35,136 --> 00:58:37,764
and the rain's coming down,
get the charger as it rains.
1221
00:58:37,847 --> 00:58:40,475
You can see my nipples through my shirt�
and everything, I was like...
1222
00:58:40,558 --> 00:58:44,604
I was gorgeous. I looked like Fabio�
in the front of a book. I was like, "Ah."
1223
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:47,315
I got the charger,
and I came back to the room,
1224
00:58:47,398 --> 00:58:48,858
and I plugged in the phone and I waited,
1225
00:58:48,942 --> 00:58:53,279
and the little half-eaten apple came up,
I was like, "Oh, thank God...ah."
1226
00:58:53,363 --> 00:58:56,449
Then I was like, google something,
"Reese Witherspoon's six-foot-one.
1227
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:57,367
Fuckin' A."
1228
00:58:57,450 --> 00:58:59,452
[audience laughs]
1229
00:59:00,078 --> 00:59:01,788
Then I google,
and you're going to do this,
1230
00:59:01,871 --> 00:59:06,125
I googled "The Hassayampa Inn, Prescott,�
Arizona," and this is what I got.
1231
00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:10,630
"The most haunted hotel in America."
I was like...
1232
00:59:10,838 --> 00:59:12,840
[screams]
1233
00:59:15,426 --> 00:59:17,720
Really! And then I read this thing,�
and it says,
1234
00:59:17,804 --> 00:59:19,847
[deep voice]
"Yes, the Hassayampa Inn-- Very haunted.
1235
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:23,518
On no accounts stay in room 426,
in the bridal suite.
1236
00:59:23,601 --> 00:59:26,229
I was like... [screams]
1237
00:59:28,690 --> 00:59:31,734
I was like, "What the fuck?" I run down to
the front desk, the old-timer was there,
1238
00:59:31,818 --> 00:59:36,114
and I said, "Has anyone ever complained
about paranormal activity in room 426?"
1239
00:59:36,197 --> 00:59:39,075
And he turned into a bat, and flew away!
1240
00:59:39,158 --> 00:59:40,952
[audience laughs]
1241
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:43,121
All right, I made that bit up.�
I added that bit, but...
1242
00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:47,625
apparently there's a ghost in that room,
and she doesn't like men.
1243
00:59:47,709 --> 00:59:49,502
If I single man is staying on his own,
1244
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:52,839
she'll go into the bathroom�
and steal his toothbrush.
1245
00:59:54,465 --> 00:59:55,758
I know.
1246
00:59:57,010 --> 01:00:01,180
And I go into the bathroom,
and my toothbrush had gone!
1247
01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:05,059
Then I remembered I'm European, I didn't
have a toothbrush. But if I had...
1248
01:00:05,184 --> 01:00:07,186
[audience laughing]
1249
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:09,272
It was scary is what I'm saying.
1250
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:14,235
Oh, shit. I never told you the joke.
All right, here's the joke.
1251
01:00:15,528 --> 01:00:17,572
The oldest joke in the world.
1252
01:00:17,655 --> 01:00:19,824
This is true. This is--
[chuckles]
1253
01:00:19,907 --> 01:00:22,577
Sure it's true. Why the fuck not?
You know...
1254
01:00:22,660 --> 01:00:23,703
Everything's true now.
1255
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:26,122
"Fake news!" "Fuck you it's true."
All right...
1256
01:00:26,205 --> 01:00:28,750
Everything's fuckin' true.
But this is true.
1257
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:29,709
It is.
1258
01:00:31,044 --> 01:00:33,087
What happened is my friend Cara,�
who is an Egyptologist,
1259
01:00:33,171 --> 01:00:36,424
she calls me up from Egypt and says,�
"We found this joke."
1260
01:00:36,507 --> 01:00:38,259
I was like, "That's great.
Tell me the joke."
1261
01:00:38,343 --> 01:00:41,346
So she tells me the joke,
but I don't speak Ancient Egyptian.
1262
01:00:41,429 --> 01:00:44,515
It was like, "Owl, owl, guy�
with a dog's head." And I'm like...
1263
01:00:46,142 --> 01:00:47,393
It's not that funny.
1264
01:00:47,477 --> 01:00:49,646
[audience laughing]
1265
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:55,526
Wow, I had no idea so many�
Ancient Egyptians were here this evening.
1266
01:00:57,945 --> 01:00:59,447
You guys are like, "Oh! [chuckles]
1267
01:00:59,530 --> 01:01:00,490
Yeah, yeah.
1268
01:01:00,907 --> 01:01:02,325
Ha-ha! Nice one!
1269
01:01:02,408 --> 01:01:03,701
Ha-ha! Good!
1270
01:01:04,911 --> 01:01:06,329
Finally, a joke for us.
1271
01:01:06,412 --> 01:01:08,164
Two! Two jokes for us."
1272
01:01:09,957 --> 01:01:11,000
[chuckles]
1273
01:01:12,502 --> 01:01:16,422
So she tells me the English translation
of the joke, and I'm like, "That's weird.
1274
01:01:16,506 --> 01:01:17,882
I know that joke."
1275
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:21,010
The joke was told to me
1276
01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:22,512
by Drew Carey,
1277
01:01:22,595 --> 01:01:24,097
one of my oldest friends.
1278
01:01:24,180 --> 01:01:27,809
I'm like, "I thought Drew was
from Cleveland."
1279
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:29,185
[audience laughs]
1280
01:01:29,310 --> 01:01:31,813
I've known him for 20 fucking years.
1281
01:01:31,896 --> 01:01:34,232
He's got a house there and everything.
1282
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,318
So I called up Drew,
and I said, "Hey man, you know that--
1283
01:01:37,402 --> 01:01:39,737
That joke you told me?"
And I tell him the joke.
1284
01:01:39,821 --> 01:01:42,281
I said, "That's the oldest joke�
in the world."
1285
01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,867
And he turned into a bat flew away.
1286
01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:46,953
[audience laughing]
1287
01:01:48,663 --> 01:01:49,497
[chuckles]
1288
01:01:50,331 --> 01:01:53,710
It's getting more and more stupid,�
isn't it? All right, no, this is true.
1289
01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:55,962
What happened is, I called him up,
1290
01:01:56,045 --> 01:01:58,756
I said, "You know that joke you told me?"
And I tell him the joke.
1291
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,091
I said, "That's the oldest joke�
in the world,"
1292
01:02:00,174 --> 01:02:02,301
and he said, "That is weird."
And I said, "Yeah!"
1293
01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:05,263
He said, "No, what's weird about it
is I didn't tell you that joke."
1294
01:02:05,346 --> 01:02:06,723
I went, "What?"
1295
01:02:06,931 --> 01:02:10,017
I said, "No, you told me that joke."
1296
01:02:10,643 --> 01:02:12,437
And I was like, "Shut up, Drew Carey!"
1297
01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:14,772
And he was like,
"You shut up, Craig Ferguson!"
1298
01:02:14,897 --> 01:02:16,691
I was like, "No I won't!"
He was like, "No, I won't!"
1299
01:02:16,774 --> 01:02:20,862
Then we started to kind of tickle fight,
then we were kissing. We were kissing.
1300
01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:23,156
It was a really strange phone call.
1301
01:02:23,239 --> 01:02:25,241
[audience laughs]
1302
01:02:26,784 --> 01:02:28,494
All right. I got sidetracked.
1303
01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:29,996
Here's the joke.
1304
01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:32,206
This is the joke.
1305
01:02:32,290 --> 01:02:35,334
The way I heard the joke, it wasn't--
It wasn't set in Ancient Egypt,
1306
01:02:35,418 --> 01:02:38,129
but in every respect,
it's exactly the same joke.
1307
01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:40,548
It's about two hunters,
but the way I heard about it,
1308
01:02:40,631 --> 01:02:44,719
it was, you know, it was set�
in a gentleman's club in Victorian times.
1309
01:02:44,886 --> 01:02:47,472
It was very different�
to a gentlemen's club now.
1310
01:02:47,722 --> 01:02:50,224
You know, a gentleman's club now is like,
"Hey! Give me a dollar,
1311
01:02:50,308 --> 01:02:52,560
I'll give you chlamydia," but back then...
1312
01:02:52,643 --> 01:02:54,645
[audience laughing]
1313
01:02:55,313 --> 01:02:57,690
Sorry, I was just doing my job.
1314
01:02:59,066 --> 01:03:01,486
You pay extra for those seats. Um...
1315
01:03:02,945 --> 01:03:05,156
So here's the joke.
Anyway, the joke is this:
1316
01:03:05,239 --> 01:03:07,575
It's two hunters: An old hunter
and a young hunter,
1317
01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:10,203
and they're going through the trophy room
of this club, you know,
1318
01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:13,331
and the old hunter is showing off.
He's looking at the heads on the wall,
1319
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:14,624
and he said, "This here...
1320
01:03:15,249 --> 01:03:18,169
This a lion that I shot in Africa.
1321
01:03:18,294 --> 01:03:20,713
I used to be a dentist in the Midwest."
1322
01:03:22,298 --> 01:03:24,550
You remember that? Remember that?
1323
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:28,346
Do you remember that was the thing
that everybody in the world was mad at?
1324
01:03:29,222 --> 01:03:30,765
Simpler times, huh?
1325
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:36,312
"This a lion that I shot in Africa.
It's a very frightening story.
1326
01:03:36,395 --> 01:03:38,898
I was just walking through the jungle,
and the lion lept out at me.
1327
01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:40,983
Came towards me, I was like, 'Oh!'
And he's coming towards me,
1328
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:43,611
Sharp-sharp claws,�
bitey-bitey mouth, scary eyes,
1329
01:03:43,778 --> 01:03:45,404
I was like... [pants]
and he comes very close,
1330
01:03:45,488 --> 01:03:47,865
I take out my gun,
shot him right between the eyes."
1331
01:03:47,949 --> 01:03:50,284
The young hunter says,
"Good, sir. Good. Well done."
1332
01:03:50,409 --> 01:03:52,245
He was like, "Yes, yes. And this...
1333
01:03:52,453 --> 01:03:54,705
This is a very similar story.
This is a tiger.
1334
01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:56,457
I was walking through the Jungle in India,
1335
01:03:56,541 --> 01:03:58,709
this tiger jumped out at me, stripey face,
scratchy claws, bitey mouth.
1336
01:03:58,793 --> 01:04:00,962
Coming towards me, he's gonna bite me!
1337
01:04:01,045 --> 01:04:04,006
I take out my gun,
and I shot him right between the eyes."
1338
01:04:04,298 --> 01:04:06,259
The young hunter says,
"Very good, sir."
1339
01:04:06,342 --> 01:04:09,053
He goes, "Yeah, and here,
the scariest story of all:
1340
01:04:09,136 --> 01:04:11,764
The rhinoceros.
I was walking across the Serengeti,
1341
01:04:11,848 --> 01:04:14,183
and I heard, 'Thumpity-thump thump.
Thump, thump, thump.
1342
01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:15,726
Thump thump thump,'
coming towards me,
1343
01:04:15,810 --> 01:04:16,894
I turn around, it's the rhinoceros!
1344
01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:19,480
He's coming towards me,�
big stompy feet and a big spiky.
1345
01:04:19,564 --> 01:04:21,858
He's coming towards me, stompy, spiky,
he's gonna kill me!
1346
01:04:21,941 --> 01:04:24,569
I take out my gun, and I'm like, 'Oh!'
I drop my gun, and...
1347
01:04:24,652 --> 01:04:25,528
[screams]
1348
01:04:25,611 --> 01:04:26,946
...and I shit myself."
1349
01:04:27,071 --> 01:04:29,073
[audience laughs]
1350
01:04:29,198 --> 01:04:31,909
The young hunter says, "I would have too.
That sounds terrifying."
1351
01:04:31,993 --> 01:04:34,871
He went, "No, not then!�
Right now, when I said, 'Ah!'"
1352
01:04:42,003 --> 01:04:45,464
To be fair, I did not say it was
the best joke in the world.
1353
01:04:46,382 --> 01:04:49,051
Jokes have improved immensely since then.
1354
01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:52,930
But it is, in fact, the oldest joke�
in the world, and so, with that...
1355
01:04:53,055 --> 01:04:54,098
we are done.
1356
01:04:54,181 --> 01:04:55,600
[audience groans]
1357
01:04:55,683 --> 01:04:58,102
That sounded a little bit like relief.
1358
01:04:58,227 --> 01:05:00,605
[audience laughing]
1359
01:05:01,564 --> 01:05:03,316
You got your one joke...
1360
01:05:05,484 --> 01:05:07,570
and that's all you're going to get.
1361
01:05:08,863 --> 01:05:11,324
Unless you get�
the special Netflix subscription,
1362
01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:13,117
which gives you an extra joke.
1363
01:05:13,242 --> 01:05:15,161
[audience laughing]
1364
01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:17,872
Look out for that on the website.
1365
01:05:18,831 --> 01:05:21,083
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.
I'll see you next time.
1366
01:05:21,167 --> 01:05:23,336
-Good night, good night, good night.
-[applause]
1367
01:05:23,419 --> 01:05:25,212
♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪
1368
01:05:26,380 --> 01:05:28,382
♪ You better move along... ♪
1369
01:05:28,507 --> 01:05:29,926
[audience cheering]
1370
01:05:30,009 --> 01:05:32,803
♪ Cuz the big cats walk ♪
1371
01:05:32,887 --> 01:05:35,723
♪ At the break of dawn ♪
1372
01:05:36,641 --> 01:05:38,392
♪ Now doggone it, baby♪
1373
01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:42,897
♪ Ooh, I said doggone ♪
1374
01:05:43,397 --> 01:05:46,025
♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪
1375
01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:49,070
♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪
1376
01:05:50,029 --> 01:05:53,074
♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪
1377
01:05:53,240 --> 01:05:55,660
♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪
1378
01:05:56,869 --> 01:06:00,623
♪ Well this whole mess useless now
as a whistle on a plow ♪
1379
01:06:00,706 --> 01:06:03,668
♪ If your pussy can't do the dog ♪
1380
01:06:04,585 --> 01:06:07,380
♪ I'm the king of the jungle ♪
1381
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:10,257
♪ They call me tiger man ♪
1382
01:06:11,384 --> 01:06:14,053
♪ I'm gonna do the bird ♪
1383
01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:16,639
♪ If I can, if I can ♪
1384
01:06:28,609 --> 01:06:30,611
Translated by:
1385
01:06:30,661 --> 01:06:35,211
Repair and Synchronization by
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