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Give it up for Brad Williams!
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Las Vegas, how are we tonight?
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Aha!
4
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I love that you guys are here.
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Thanks for being here.
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00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:50,425
So glad you're here watching me.
7
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,802
You guys have made an
excellent decision tonight.
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Excellent decision.
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Because your story tonight
10
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will beat your friends' story,
no matter what the fuck they did, okay?
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Your story wins.
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'Cause your friends will try to make you
jealous in Vegas, they will.
13
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,357
And be like,
"You should've hang out with me, man.
14
00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:09,277
We went out to this strip club
that had a one-armed stripper.
15
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,155
- She did a cartwheel, it was ridiculous."
16
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"What kind of lame shit did you do?"
17
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You be like, "A midget told me jokes,
fuck you, I win."
18
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And then...
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And then you win,
'cause that's happening right now.
20
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- A midget is telling you jokes.
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That's real.
22
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That's real.
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When midgets tell you jokes,
that's not a night out,
24
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- that's a NyQuil dream, okay.
25
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That's some medieval king shit, just like,
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"Bring me my joke midget!"
27
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And I just run out and go, "Dilly-Dilly."
28
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I'm glad you guys are here, this is my
favorite part of the show, right up front.
29
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It's the part of show
where you look at the audience
30
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and see the looks on people's faces
31
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who obviously had no idea
32
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who they were seeing tonight.
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You had no idea.
Maybe your friend brought you here.
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00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,999
Maybe you were even talkin' shit
on the way here.
35
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,876
"Why we gotta go to a comedy show?
36
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,503
It's not even gonna be that funny."
37
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:12,465
And then a dwarf walked out on the stage
and you're like, "I was mistaken."
38
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,470
'Cause you know this is gonna be good.
39
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Dwarfs are hilarious.
40
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I'm just glad you're out.
41
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,726
You're out, you're not at home
watching the news
42
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,645
and just getting mad at yourself,
43
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mad at your friends.
44
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'Cause the news gets you mad at people.
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They say things like,
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"The country's divided right now.
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It's divided."
48
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It's not divided, okay?
49
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All right? We disagree on
a couple of things,
50
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but overall we're on the same page.
51
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,036
Hell, look in the audience tonight:
52
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we got men, women,
gay, straight, black, white.
53
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Red state, blue state,
all in the same room, at the same time,
54
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thinking the exact same thing:
"Midgets are funny."
55
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That's it.
56
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:55,466
'Cause I don't care what your stance is
on gun control or abortion.
57
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,552
Nobody is anti-dwarf.
58
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Nobody.
59
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,973
No one's out front right now
protesting like,
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00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:04,434
"These fucking midgets!
61
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,938
- They're comin' into our country!
62
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They're takin' our jobs!
63
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:15,445
We got to build the curb higher."
64
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In fact, that's the only way Trump
will get a 100% approval rating.
65
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:27,373
He just has to come out,
make a speech and be like,
66
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"Listen, we've got the best
midgets. They're absolutely spectacular.
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Unbelievable midgets, unbelievable.
68
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Everyone tells us
how good our midgets are.
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Here's my plan, I'm gonna build a wall,
70
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I'm gonna put a doggy-door in there
for the midgets.
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Everyone asks me all the time.
72
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,937
They say, 'Donald, how do you know so much
about little people?'
73
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I say, 'Look at my hands.'"
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That's a tough job
being president, though.
75
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,782
I could never be president.
76
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:04,619
I don't think we're ever
going to have a dwarf president.
77
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,496
Obviously because...
78
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,705
podiums.
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They fucking suck.
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The first day on the job.
81
00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:15,004
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
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Son of a bitch!
83
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Horrible.
84
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,551
And the other job I don't think I could do
85
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:23,096
would be like if you guys
were going to the hospital tonight
86
00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,681
and your surgeon came out,
87
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,934
they look like me and be like,
"I will be performing your surgery,"
88
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,686
and you'd be like, "Fuck this hospital."
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- All right.
90
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"I do not trust this hospital.
91
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:36,192
How is he gonna heal me with lucky charms?
That's not a real thing.
92
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:40,863
Fucking Obamacare. Can't even get
a full That's bullshit."
93
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,868
I'm glad to be here in Las Vegas, though.
You guys are fun.
94
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,330
But I'm glad to be performing for you
'cause dwarfs make everything better.
95
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,624
They do. We make everything better.
96
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,335
Dwarfs are
the chocolate sprinkles of life.
97
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Making... Even creepy things.
Like for instance...
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Uh... Sir, I'm not gonna
pick on you, I promise.
99
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,802
I'm literally pointing you out,
100
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,723
'cause, look at you, you look like
the nicest teddy bear ever, okay?
101
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,475
You're a good dude, man.
I bet you are a good guy.
102
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,270
But if you walked up to a strange woman
103
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and grabbed her by the wrist and was like,
104
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"Hey, I'm gonna take you to the woods."
105
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- It got very uncomfortable here right now.
106
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Very uncomfortable.
107
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The only sound you heard was of
vaginas slamming shut.
108
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That's nothing to do with you.
109
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That's not a reflection
of who you are as a human being.
110
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They've just seen
one Lifetime movie and go,
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- "That's not a good idea, eh!"
112
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But if I walked up to a strange woman
113
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and grabbed her by the wrist,
114
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and was like,
"Hey, I'm gonna take you to the woods."
115
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She'd be like,
"Oh, are we gonna look for treasure?"
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She'd be happy as shit.
117
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Some of you won't laugh at that, I get it.
118
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That's a creepy joke, it is.
119
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It's a creepy joke. Some of you didn't
wanna laugh at that 'cause you didn't want
120
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someone to call you a creep
or assume you're a creep.
121
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,987
That's the worst you could be nowadays.
122
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,616
It is not a good time
to be a creep.
123
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:08,534
- Um...
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No, I don't feel bad for them
'cause it's like,
125
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,039
"Creeps, you had a hell of a run."
126
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- Uh...
127
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From the beginning of time
till the end of 2017.
128
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:20,254
And at the end of 2017,
that's when all the women got together
129
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they had a meeting,
they sent out the message
130
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on the vagina broadcast network.
131
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VBN, trustworthy news source.
132
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And that message was
very clear and simple, it was,
133
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"We're not taking this shit anymore!"
134
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And I love it, ladies.
135
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,560
I love what you're doing
with the Me Too Movement.
136
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- I love what you're doing.
137
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You're calling guys out,
now men are being more careful.
138
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,692
We're treating you with more respect and
139
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we're being careful what we say,
what we do, how we act.
140
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,697
And it's brave
what you're doing, ladies, it's brave.
141
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At the same time it's kinda crazy,
'cause every day...
142
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every day it's somebody new.
143
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Every day somebody new gets busted.
144
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It's fun for the non-creeps.
145
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,457
We just get to wake up everyday,
check Twitter.
146
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:03,214
And every day it's somebody new. Hell.
147
00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:06,926
Some of you guys probably
saw the news today about Tony Danza.
148
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No, but you guys believed
that shit, didn't ya?
149
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You believed it! If I'd said that a year
ago, you guys would have been like,
150
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:21,232
"Not Tony!" and now you're like,
"Makes a lot of sense.
151
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,359
I read that story,
I heard he grabbed a little boy
152
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,278
and said, 'I'll show you who's the boss.'"
153
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- Uh...
154
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But every day it's somebody new.
155
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And sometimes it's someone you like.
156
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Someone you respect.
157
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And now you have that moral dilemma,
158
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"Are you still allowed
to be a fan of that person,
159
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,794
but not agree with
what they did in their personal life?"
160
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That happened to me.
161
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:44,630
When Louis C.K. got busted.
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00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,757
I love Louis C.K.'s comedy.
163
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But I don't like what he was doing.
You know what I'm saying?
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For those who don't know,
165
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Louis C.K. was bringing women
to his hotel room and just...
166
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...masturbating right in front of them.
167
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That's not good.
168
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,023
Uh...
169
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:03,608
Men in the audience, uh...
170
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,360
if you're in the audience right now,
just a little rule of thumb.
171
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,905
If you ever have to ask yourself
the question,
172
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,866
"Should I take my dick out?"
The answer's "fucking no"!
173
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,619
Stop it. Don't do it.
174
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:18,164
It's never impressed the woman,
it's never made the situation better.
175
00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:20,583
No one's ever been like,
"Oh, that party was horrible
176
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:23,753
until Tom took his cock out,
then it got really fun."
177
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:24,670
No!
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It doesn't impress a woman
179
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if you show her your dick, it doesn't.
180
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,177
You wanna impress a woman?
181
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Show her a good credit score.
182
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Walk around
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That's what you do.
184
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,563
Why are you masturbating
in front of a woman?
185
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That... You don't look good,
doing that activity.
186
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:46,567
No man does.
187
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:49,904
There's men in the audience, right now.
"I don't know, brother. I look pretty-- "
188
00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:53,032
You don't.
189
00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,825
And you know you don't look good.
190
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:57,078
- 'Cause every man's done the same thing.
191
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:59,038
We've all jerked off in a strange area,
192
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:01,165
we saw a mirror, we had no idea was there,
193
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:04,627
That happened to me.
194
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,671
I jerked off in a hotel room
one time, like,
195
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,297
Yeah! Uh... Agh!
196
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,091
- It's awful.
197
00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,678
Why? Why are you masturbating
in front of a--
198
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:16,973
Maybe it's because men think
they look good masturbating
199
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:20,017
because, women, you look incredible
when you masturbate.
200
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,852
When women masturbate, oh, my god.
201
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,437
They're just, like, conducting,
202
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:26,649
- like a symphony of sex on their bodies.
203
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,569
You can tell I've been
with a lot of women
204
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:33,322
- if this is how I think they masturbate.
205
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,907
Women just get by themselves and go,
206
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,743
♪ "One little, two little,three little titties..." ♪
207
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:44,250
Men, we're like half heart attack,
half stroke, it's like...
208
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,335
- It's not good.
209
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:47,712
Stop.
210
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:50,131
Why are men masturbating
in front of women?
211
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:51,799
It's never worked.
212
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,884
Ever. It's never worked.
213
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,637
No man has ever looked at a woman like,
"Hey, you wanna fuck?"
214
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,347
She's like, "No."
215
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,890
He's like, "How about now?"
216
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,934
- It never worked.
217
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,062
You guys all laughed
at me doing that
218
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,398
so maybe that's one more thing
dwarfs can make better.
219
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:08,941
- I... I don't know.
220
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,401
Now, 'cause I would never do this.
221
00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:13,195
But if a dwarf locked you in a hotel room
222
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,906
and just started masturbating,
right in front of you,
223
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,492
you'd be horrified for, like, ten seconds
224
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,619
and after that you'd be like,
225
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,746
"It's actually kinda cute.
226
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:25,916
I had no idea he could reach it."
227
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:31,714
You guys are crazy, Vegas. I like you.
228
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,758
Vegas is a crazy city.
229
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:36,177
It's a crazy town, things happen here.
230
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:39,472
People always lookin' for famous people
when they come to Las Vegas.
231
00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,015
You're looking for a celebrity.
232
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:44,143
Hell, I got approached. It was cool.
233
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,228
Like, I was on the way to the show tonight
234
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:49,231
and a dude just ran up to me and was like,
"I can't believe you're here."
235
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,692
I don't get recognized very often,
I'm not that famous.
236
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,112
So, when it happens I get really excited.
I like talking to people.
237
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,656
He's like, "What are you doing here?"
238
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,240
I'm like,
"I'm doing a stand-up show tonight.
239
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,867
Taping my Netflix special."
240
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,952
He's like, "You do stand up
241
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,332
Yeah...
242
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,377
He goes, "Oh, I just thought
you were on Game of Thrones."
243
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,878
- Motherfucker!
244
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,546
Shit, damn it!
245
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,131
Fuck!
246
00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:20,096
I'm not gonna lie, that pissed me off,
okay? It pissed me off.
247
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,139
It shouldn't piss me off,
I should be used to it.
248
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,724
'Cause it happens to me, oh, I don't know,
249
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,310
Every day.
250
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,479
Not some days, all days.
251
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,231
This happens to all dwarfs.
252
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,817
All dwarfs get mistaken
for other little people.
253
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,528
Normally, it's the midget of the moment,
whoever that is.
254
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,947
So, like right now, we're all
the guy from Game of Thrones.
255
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,117
But ten years ago, we were all
Wee Man from Jackass.
256
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,454
And that sucked.
People thought I was Wee Man,
257
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,164
they would run up, kick me in the balls,
258
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,542
toss me into shopping carts. Horrible.
259
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:52,378
People think I'm the guy
from Game of Thrones, not that bad.
260
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,255
He's a good-looking dude, he's funny.
261
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:55,923
On the show, he bangs a lot of hookers.
262
00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:59,009
Now I can run up to a random woman,
grab her by the leg and be like,
263
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,095
"I always pay my debts."
264
00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,222
I can do that.
265
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,433
If you watch the show, that's hilarious.
266
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:09,854
If you don't watch the show, you have
no idea why people are laughing right now.
267
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,022
And that's funny to me.
268
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:16,902
All dwarfs get mistaken
for other little people.
269
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,779
All of us. I did a show one time
270
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,906
in Indianapolis, Indiana.
271
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,492
That
Yeah, then you know this.
272
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,119
They have a comedy club there,
273
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,247
and-- Yes, the name of the comedy club,
274
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,832
he said it. It's called...
275
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,126
Crackers.
- It's called Crackers.
276
00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:33,919
Somebody did that.
277
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:39,508
Somebody opened up a comedy club in
Indiana
278
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,051
and called it Crackers.
279
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,637
How the fuck did they name it?
What should we call this place?
280
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,306
I don't know, look around.
281
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:50,936
Crackers.
282
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:55,900
I pray to God that guy
never opens up a club in Compton.
283
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,820
- That'd be horrible.
284
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,448
What should we call this one?
I don't know, look around.
285
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:11,165
You thought I was gonna say it
for one second, didn't you?
286
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,667
That was awesome.
287
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,252
I just got to look in the audience
288
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,255
and see the looks of horror
on the faces of white people.
289
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:21,425
You guys were just staring at me like,
"Don't do it, man.
290
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:23,177
Don't do it."
291
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,805
- And I was-- It got quiet in here.
292
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:28,390
The only sound I heard
was the sound of 200 white buttholes
293
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,851
- tightening in the exact same moment.
294
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:33,771
Don't get me wrong,
there's like three racist pieces of shit
295
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:34,772
that were just looking at me like,
296
00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:37,441
- "Say it!
297
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,735
Say it!
298
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,738
I can't cum unless you say it!"
299
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:46,575
No.
300
00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:48,911
I'll never say that word.
301
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:53,165
- 'Cause they can run faster than me.
302
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,166
Not a racial joke.
303
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,168
Everyone can run faster than me.
Not a big deal.
304
00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,172
But I had to go to work that night.
305
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,465
I had to go to Crackers.
306
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:02,842
So I called up an Uber.
307
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:06,178
And my Uber driver that night
happens to be black.
308
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,222
Which mean now I have
to look at this guy and go,
309
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,890
"Hey, man!
310
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:15,688
Take me to Crackers."
311
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,898
And the look on his face is like,
312
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,276
"The fuck you just say?"
I'm like, "Hey,
313
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:23,070
it's not like that, we're just a lot
of people, coming together." He's like,
314
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:26,448
"Oh, you're having a meeting?" I was like,
"That's not what I meant at all."
315
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:27,825
Now we're going back and forth,
316
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,995
this guy hits me with the best
comeback I've heard in my life.
317
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:31,912
"You know what,
318
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,874
no big deal, you're just a cracker crumb."
I'm like, "Oh,
319
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,209
- fuck, that's funny."
320
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,295
He called me a "cracker crumb"!
321
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:42,006
That's a perfect insult, it's perfect.
322
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:45,175
The second he said it, the first thought
that popped into my head was,
323
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,636
"Now I have to join the KKK."
324
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,139
It was, legitimately.
325
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,724
Not 'cause I have hatred in my heart
326
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,351
or I think certain groups
are better than others, no.
327
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,519
I just think it'd be funny.
328
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,230
I think it'd be funny if I joined,
rose through the ranks,
329
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:01,066
then one day was known
as Grand Wizard Cracker Crumb.
330
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:06,780
And the midget KKK is not scary,
it's adorable, all right?
331
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:10,868
You'd just be looking at this like,
"Who's the little racist? Yes, you are!
332
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:12,661
Yes, you are."
333
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,165
We're not even wearing bed sheets,
just one pillow case.
334
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,043
I'm jumping out at people,
335
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,295
"I don't like the Jews!"
336
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,840
No one's afraid of the midget KKK,
337
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,091
fucking nobody.
338
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,510
We can be attacking your house,
you're not running.
339
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,805
You're calling in your partner.
"Honey!
340
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,432
Get in here!
341
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,976
You gotta see this shit!
342
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:39,396
It's the mini KKK, look, the mini--
343
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,857
No, you have time,
I built that two foot fence,
344
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,902
it's really slowing them down,
they're having a hard time getting--
345
00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:48,572
You gotta come see
what the midget KKK is doin'.
346
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:52,743
They're burning lowercase T's
on the front yard."
347
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:58,540
So, the guy finally
dropped me off at Crackers.
348
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,668
Dropped me off at the comedy club.
349
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,295
I did what I always do when I go
to a comedy club. I did it tonight.
350
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,463
I go to the green room.
351
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:07,549
The green room is where the comedians
all hang out before the show.
352
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:10,761
So I walk back in the green room,
I open up the door.
353
00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:13,806
There's another dwarf
sitting right there in the green room.
354
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,349
I don't know who he is.
355
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:16,600
He's not a comedian.
356
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:19,353
I'm just looking at him like, "Hi...
357
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:21,981
Sup?"
358
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,944
We don't have, like, a special greeting
for each other, all right?
359
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,238
It's not like I see another dwarf
and I have to go...
360
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,323
♪ Heigh
361
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,537
♪ Heigh-ho! ♪
362
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:42,501
Don't get me wrong, I would still
absolutely respond to that shit, okay?
363
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,170
Somebody yells out... ♪ Heigh-ho! ♪
364
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,672
I'd be like, "Oh, fuck!"
365
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,308
It's in my blood, okay? So...
366
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,436
I'm looking at this other dwarf, like,
367
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,479
"Dude, what the hell
are you doing in my green room?"
368
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,314
He looks at me, and goes,
"I don't know, Brad.
369
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,985
I came here to see you tonight, I walked
in the front door and the staff...
370
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,738
walked me right out back here
to the green room."
371
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:13,490
That happened!
372
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,409
How the fuck did that happen?
373
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,244
What if I'd been 20 minutes late?
374
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:20,205
Would they just toss
that poor bastard up on the stage?
375
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,708
You know, "Make them laugh, show em'..."
How the--
376
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:26,211
There were posters of me
out front of the comedy club that night,
377
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,172
advertising my shows that weekend.
378
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,883
Posters of me that had
pictures of me on them.
379
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:35,179
Life-size pictures of me on them.
380
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:38,891
This other guy looked nothing like me.
He walked in, the staff looked at him,
381
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,143
looked at the posters,
looked back at him and like,
382
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,811
"Hmm, there can't be two."
383
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,189
- Aah...
384
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,859
My life has changed a lot
since my last comedy special.
385
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,236
Uh, for one, I got married.
386
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,697
- Yeah, that thing, yeah.
387
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,365
- I did it!
388
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,700
To a woman!
389
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,452
- Aha!
390
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,162
To a tall woman.
391
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,583
That's right. I got one of yours.
392
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,087
My wife is awesome.
393
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:09,588
She's mixed race.
394
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,465
She's half-Chinese
395
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:12,800
and half-white.
396
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,885
Which means she looks...
397
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:16,261
Chinese.
398
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:18,931
Looks very Chinese.
399
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:20,641
But the half-white part of her
400
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,184
is from Wisconsin.
401
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,561
And that's where her accent comes from.
402
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:30,025
'Cause she looks Chinese, she looks...
Chinese.
403
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,027
So I thought in bed,
all I was going to hear was,
404
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,655
"Ah, me so horny...
405
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,323
Me so horny.
406
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:38,408
Me love you long time."
407
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,119
I don't get that, all I get it is,
408
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,455
"Oh, yah, right there, you betcha.
409
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:51,880
I wanted an Asian whore,
not the mom from Bobby's World.
410
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:57,261
Her safe word is "Doncha know".
It's stupid.
411
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,808
Nah, I love my wife, though.
412
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,184
She's great.
413
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:06,019
I even get along with my mother-in-law.
414
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,730
Mother
I love my mother-in-law.
415
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,274
Now, when I met her,
416
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:11,567
that did not go well.
417
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,111
When I met my mother-in-law,
that was not a good experience.
418
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,321
That wasn't her fault. Wasn't my fault.
419
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:19,491
It was my wife's fault.
I'll explain.
420
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,870
I'm meeting mother
Already a stressful situation,
421
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,830
when you meet the parent
of the person you're dating.
422
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,083
So I'm already on edge, I'm already
a little nervous, a little scared.
423
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,877
I'm reaching to ring the doorbell,
424
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,795
right before I ring it,
my wife looks at me and goes,
425
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,922
"Hey, so you know, never told her
you were a dwarf."
426
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:34,965
What?
427
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,219
Why?
428
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,472
She goes, "Oh, she's from San Francisco,
she's very tolerant."
429
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:45,267
I'm like, "I don't give a crap
how tolerant she is.
430
00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:50,355
Needs a little heads-up."
"She's gonna love you." "Eventually she'll love me.
431
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:56,278
But you have to understand, this is not
what she envisioned you'd end up with.
432
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,114
This was not her dream.
She wanted you to marry the groom,
433
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,533
not the fucker
on top of the wedding cake."
434
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,829
So we walk into the place,
435
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,164
mother-in-law sees me,
436
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:10,584
immediately thinks I'm the parade
before the actual boyfriend.
437
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,128
Now she realizes I'm the dude,
438
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,422
and then, she's got questions.
439
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,965
'Cause she wants grandkids
440
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,133
and she doesn't know
441
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,094
how this is going
to affect her grandkids.
442
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,388
So the first thing she says,
she goes "Whoa!
443
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:25,557
She's Chinese,
444
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,600
you're a dwarf.
445
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:29,269
If you have kids, what will they be?"
446
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:34,816
Really good toy makers.
447
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,535
Point, Williams.
448
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:48,330
I love my wife to death.
449
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:51,667
But I'm scared as hell
450
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,918
to be around her.
451
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:54,002
I love her
452
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,796
but she scares the fuck out of me.
453
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,258
Now, I have a reason for that.
I have a reason to be terrified.
454
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:03,679
My wife is a fourth degree
black belt in tae kwon do.
455
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,974
She is a second degree
black belt in hapkido.
456
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,475
And just for fun,
457
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,187
she recently got a black belt
in Brazilian jujitsu.
458
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,481
I married a fucking ninja.
459
00:21:15,732 --> 00:21:17,818
Yeah, legit martial artist.
460
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,528
This isn't a hobby for her.
461
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:22,155
It's not like she goes on the weekends
with her girlfriends, like,
462
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:25,033
"Okay, ladies,
it's Sunday, hi-yah!" Like, no!
463
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:27,119
She's ranked.
464
00:21:27,202 --> 00:21:30,998
At one point she was ranked number two
in the nation in tae kwon do.
465
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:32,332
- That-- Yeah.
466
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:34,918
That's not even in the female division.
467
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,336
That was overall.
468
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:39,464
That means this woman would go
to tournaments, she'd fight dudes.
469
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:43,343
Fight male black belts. And the men
would walk out of that ring going,
470
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:44,636
"That bitch is crazy."
471
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,973
Grown men would look at my wife and go,
472
00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:50,058
"Hashtag Me Too."
473
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:53,603
Yeah.
474
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,355
It's scary, okay?
475
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:57,566
First time we fucked,
she looked at me and she's like,
476
00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,027
"Tonight I want you to choke me."
I was like...
477
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:01,862
"Sign this waiver."
478
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:06,158
It terrifies me.
479
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,746
I mean, it also really turns me on.
480
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:11,705
It terrifies me.
481
00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:13,874
'Cause she could flip a switch
and I'm dead.
482
00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:16,376
I'm dead. There's nothing I can do.
483
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,712
There's no dwarf defense for that shit.
484
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,798
I can't throw down a smoke bomb like,
"Midget, vanish!"
485
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:23,967
- Like, I can't do that.
486
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:26,845
Even though I'm scared,
487
00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:28,263
I'm also curious.
488
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:30,766
What would happen
if she got into a fight, right?
489
00:22:30,849 --> 00:22:32,225
What would that look like?
490
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,102
I know what it looks like when I fight.
491
00:22:34,644 --> 00:22:36,438
I run. All right?
492
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:38,523
I run in a serpentine pattern.
493
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:41,318
And then, I pee on something,
it throws off the scent.
494
00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:42,986
That's what I do.
495
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:46,490
Fuck does she do?
She's got seven degrees of black belt.
496
00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:49,242
I figure they don't even punch and kick,
they just throw fireballs,
497
00:22:49,326 --> 00:22:51,912
yell out "Hadouken!"
Okay? I feel that's what she does.
498
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:54,122
Well, recently,
499
00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:56,166
I found out what happens when my wife gets into a fight.
500
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:00,545
Oh, yeah. This was...
501
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:02,297
two months before the wedding.
502
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,507
Two months before the wedding,
503
00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:06,009
very stressful,
it's coming down to last-minute.
504
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:07,552
Making a lot of decisions,
505
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,846
and it's wearing on the relationship.
506
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:12,057
So I decide,
"Hey, let's take a weekend off.
507
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:14,518
Let's go to Vegas, let's have a good time.
508
00:23:14,601 --> 00:23:16,812
Not even think about,
talk about the wedding.
509
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:19,064
Let's just enjoy
each other's company again."
510
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:22,275
And we did, it was amazing.
We went to all our favorite spots,
511
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:23,819
including our favorite whiskey bar.
512
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:26,071
We go there, we're sitting there,
we're sipping whiskey.
513
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:29,116
This guy comes in, sits down
next to my wife, starts hitting on her.
514
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:30,534
That doesn't bother me.
515
00:23:30,617 --> 00:23:32,661
It bothers some guys,
they get mad, they get jealous,
516
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:34,329
I don't, 'cause I'm like, "Yeah.
517
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:35,956
She's a hot Asian woman."
518
00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:39,793
She's gonna get hit on. That's the most
searched item on Craigslist, all right?
519
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:42,337
When guys hit on my wife,
I get excited 'cause I'm like,
520
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,631
"Sweet, I'm not paying
for drinks tonight."
521
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,510
So the guy's hitting on her,
it's not going well.
522
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:52,347
He's getting frustrated, my wife politely
excuses herself from the table.
523
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:55,976
When she gets up, the dude grabbed her
by the wrist and goes,
524
00:23:56,059 --> 00:23:58,228
"I wasn't done talking to you yet."
525
00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:00,147
Wife's a black belt, she just...
526
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:02,899
smacks his arm out of the way.
527
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:04,609
Arm flies across the table,
528
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:08,530
knocks over all the drinks.
They spill on her, him, me, it's a mess.
529
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:09,948
Now, my wife's a sweetheart.
530
00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:12,701
Even though this happened,
even though this guy's being a jerk,
531
00:24:12,784 --> 00:24:14,035
she gets napkins,
532
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,163
she leans in to try to dry the guy off.
533
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:17,747
When she leans in,
534
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:20,417
the guy grabbed her by the head,
535
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,045
shoved straight backwards and went,
"Don't touch me, bitch!"
536
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,051
Oh, when that happened the room got quiet.
537
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:32,471
- Except for me.
538
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:35,807
Because I knew what was about to go down.
539
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:39,978
I was like, "Yee-ee-ees!
540
00:24:40,061 --> 00:24:42,022
Finally!
541
00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:44,274
Oh, she's gonna fuck you up."
542
00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:46,485
I was happy as hell.
I ran to the back,
543
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:49,070
I changed into a bikini,
I came out with ring cards.
544
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:52,115
- Round one, ding-ding.
545
00:24:56,453 --> 00:25:00,373
Then my wife got a look on her face
that I have never seen before,
546
00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:01,666
and God help me.
547
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,585
I never want to see this look again.
548
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:06,254
She looks at this dude, she goes,
"The fuck you just call me?
549
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,090
The fuck you just call me?
Did you just call me a bitch?
550
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:10,634
Did you...
551
00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:13,303
just call me...
552
00:25:18,725 --> 00:25:20,810
My man is going to kick your ass."
553
00:25:20,894 --> 00:25:23,063
I'm like, "Whoa!
554
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,440
No!
555
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:26,900
No, no, no, no, no.
556
00:25:26,983 --> 00:25:28,443
Hell no, fuck no, no!"
557
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:29,694
You don't get to do that.
558
00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:32,781
You don't get to summon a dwarf
to fight for you.
559
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,993
- We're human, we're not Pokémon.
560
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:40,372
You can't be like, "Midget, I choose you!"
Okay? It's not happening.
561
00:25:40,455 --> 00:25:42,582
Besides, that's not my thing,
that's not what I do.
562
00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:45,252
You're the black belt, number two
in the nation, tae kwon do.
563
00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:47,379
That's your thing, you go do your thing.
564
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:48,964
If you need someone to run out there
565
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:51,299
do a choreographed song
and dance about chocolate,
566
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,760
that's my thing, okay? So I can--
567
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:55,220
I can run out there like...
568
00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:58,431
- ♪ Oompa-loompa, oo-bady-doo ♪♪ She's a black belt,So ha-ha, fuck you! ♪
569
00:26:01,726 --> 00:26:03,979
- I can do that.
570
00:26:04,854 --> 00:26:06,898
But it was all part of her plan.
571
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,692
It was, I did not know her plan. She goes, "My man is gonna kick your ass."
572
00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:13,446
The guy looks at me
and laughs in my face.
573
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,991
And while he's laughing at me,
my wife just...
574
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:21,413
...straight-up Leonidas 300
kicks this fucker.
575
00:26:21,496 --> 00:26:24,749
The only thing that was missing was
the voice in the background going,
576
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,210
"Finish him."
It was awesome.
577
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:29,504
Just, "This is Sparta!"
578
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:32,632
Cracks this dude.
579
00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,718
Right in the head,
knocks him the fuck out.
580
00:26:34,801 --> 00:26:36,970
One shot, he's on the ground unconscious.
581
00:26:37,053 --> 00:26:39,889
When that happens, the guy had
five friends that were with him.
582
00:26:39,973 --> 00:26:41,141
They see him get knocked out.
583
00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:45,270
All five run up and square against
my wife and go, "You wanna go?"
584
00:26:45,353 --> 00:26:47,188
And she looks at them
and goes, "Bring it!"
585
00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:49,357
They're like, "Oh, fuck!"
Okay, so they run,
586
00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:52,444
they grab the biggest bouncer they can,
they drag him over and go,
587
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:54,654
"They just knocked out our friend!"
588
00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:57,532
Then the bouncer looks
and sees a Chinese woman
589
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,200
and a midget.
590
00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,252
Your friend's a pussy.
591
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,463
- Aah!
592
00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:13,256
I'll tell you guys something.
593
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:15,592
I learned something
about women that night.
594
00:27:15,675 --> 00:27:19,012
I gained some appreciation
that I didn't necessarily have before.
595
00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:21,556
Ladies, I understand
596
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,976
why you get so turned on when a man
stands up for you and defends your honor.
597
00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:26,519
It has nothing to do with feminism.
598
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,772
Nothing to do with being
an independent woman or not.
599
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:32,233
It's a natural biological reaction
that you have as a child bearer,
600
00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:34,861
when someone who can protect that child
is attractive to you,
601
00:27:34,944 --> 00:27:36,279
and I get that now.
602
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,948
'Cause when I saw my wife,
603
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,450
my woman,
604
00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:42,869
the woman I'm gonna
spend the rest of my days with,
605
00:27:42,952 --> 00:27:44,663
kick this fucker in the head
606
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,665
and I saw the life just...
607
00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:50,210
...from his eyes.
608
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:52,796
My pussy got wet.
609
00:27:54,422 --> 00:27:56,257
- My name is Brad Williams.
610
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:58,093
Thank you, guys, so much
611
00:27:58,176 --> 00:27:59,844
for coming out tonight!
612
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:01,471
You guys were amazing!
613
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:04,391
Netflix, thank you!
614
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:09,604
[music: "Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
615
00:28:29,290 --> 00:28:31,918
♪ Back in the thirtiesWhen the dustbowl dried ♪
616
00:28:32,001 --> 00:28:34,713
♪ And the woods in AlabamaDidn't see no light ♪
617
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:37,590
♪ My daddy played pokerBy a hardwood fire ♪♪ Squeezing all his luck fromA hot copper wire ♪
618
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:43,513
♪ Scrap like a wildcat fightstill the end ♪48406
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