Original subtitles

Dear everyone.

I must say it feels fantastic,

and also very natural, to be standing here as your rightful chieftain.

And I have some exciting news. We have a new sister village:

Vargnes!

So now the cat is out of the bag.

And we have a very powerful ally in,

you said it:

Jarl Varg!

Hey! He ripped off my testicles!

Yes, well, that sounds like him.

He stabbed my children!

He's not here to defend himself right now, but I will take your word for it.

His men burned down my house and brutally violated me.

Well, in love and war and all that.

You know.

But I think you just have to trust me when I say that

Jarl Varg is a really swell guy once you get to know him.

Swell guy?

He fingered my urethra to pieces!

Now you're just making things up. That's not even possible.

Yes, it is. Now, when I relieve myself

it's like emptying a tiny bucket of water.

No, no. That's not true.

Fine. So maybe

that stuff about my urethra isn't entirely true.

But he could have done it. He's that kind of type.

I think we just have to judge Jarl Varg by the actions that he does from now on.

Let him just start with a clean rune stick.

Anyway, he's coming here in a few days

to collect the Map to the West.

So that's good. That's good news.

And then our new Lawspeaker,

Rufus, has something he wants to say.

As you may have heard, I'm assembling a crew to set sail for Rome.

Only the best of the best can join me.

Any volunteers?

OK.

Ragnvald, Falk, you and you.

And... Frodo.

Or whatever your name is.

We set sail right after Varg has been here, so go ahead and start packing.

Pronto!

No!

Arvid!

Arvid!

-Sorry! -Loki!

I'm so sorry, Frøya!

That rock was way too big.

I'm just so bad with proportions.

Arvid?

And it looked a lot smaller in my hand.

-Are you all right? -I thought you were dead.

No, I'm not dead. I'm alive!

[Romantic music]

You know, I've had some time to think.

And do you know who I suspect had a hand in this?

Yeah.

Varg.

Obviously.

Too many things point in the direction that this was planned all along.

Yeah, clear as day.

That's easy to say now.

Easy to say now, and...

When it happened. Actually.

But I have a plan.

And that plan is so crazy

it might just work.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Hi, Frøya.

Hi.

You look so freshly penetrated.

No, I'm not!

Not for a few days. Or...

Hours.

Are you raping someone to forget?

Or are you already over Arvid?

Or what's going on?

Come on, tell me!

You know, if there's one person you can trust here in Norheim, it's me.

You know that, right?

OK.

If I told you that Arvid is alive,

and has a plan so crazy

it might just work, what would you say?

I would ask, What can I do to help?

Orm.

I want to teach you something.

Fold your hands.

Like this.

Now you open your hands and look inside.

It's a rectum!

No, it's a vagina.

Oh...

That's incredible!

Consider it a going-away gift from me to you.

Something that will bring you joy for the rest of your life.

Welcome.

Welcome to our home.

I'll just take a hug.

I don't think so, Orm.

It's so nice to be able to ride in here

in peace and harmony, Orm.

It's the least we could do.

And this time there's no pig lying in wait?

No ambush planned?

No, no, no.

No, we're sister villages now.

So there'll be no violence and no sodomizing.

Neither one, nor the other.

Well, we'll see about that.

Yes, we'll see.

No one knows where the rabbit jumps.

But at least I won't be sodomizing any of you.

Anyway, I'm here for the map.

And I have some unsettled business I'd like to attend to.

Yes, that sounds straightforward, Vargus.

Should we just go and... start with the map?

[sinister music]

So close to the Promised Map.

Rumor has it that those who approach the map

are killed in a trap.

Yes, apparently something happens when you try to take it.

They made various things, I believe.

Slave!

Go fetch the map in that chest.

Hurry up!

Yes. There you go.

Yes, now open the lid.

And now pull out the map.

Yank it!

This is the map?

It looks like something a child could have drawn.

All you have to do is sail due west?

As long as you avoid that sea serpent?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose so.

Somebody else did the navigation when I went on my raid.

I mean... Every time I go on raids.

So much trouble

to get my hands on this map.

And all I had to do

was sail due west.

I suppose that's why it's called the Map to the West.

Torstein?

Stool.

Table.

Well, that was

sort of our banquet table.

And I personally

made that lovely pâté.

But now that's ruined, so we might as well throw that away.

Orm.

I appreciate the fact that you betrayed Arvid.

But I have no interest whatsoever

in your friendship.

Or your pâté.

Have a nice trip.

Ride safe.

Oh, yes...

Goodbye, Orm.

Just one last thing before we leave.

The last domino.

Domino?

I don't know if I have

domino, or even what that is.

The last time I was here, a certain person stole my hands.

In the most cowardly manner.

It only seems fair and proper

that I get some hands in return.

Hands in return? How do you picture that happening?

[Varg snickers]

Hm?

Frøya, let me tell you a story

about a little boy who happened to grow up here in Norheim many years ago.

This little boy, he had a small wooden figure.

That he was extremely fond of.

That wooden figure was his best friend.

They were so connected. They were never apart.

They told each other everything and shared everything.

And?

And then, one day

the boy's father discovered that wooden figure.

And he said it was unhealthy

for a little boy to have an imaginary best friend.

Imaginary!

Nick the Stick was probably the most real thing that boy ever knew.

OK. And then?

And then the father broke Nick the Stick

into many, many small, small pieces.

And with that he also broke quite a big piece of that boy's heart.

And that boy was you?

No, it's irrelevant who it was.

But the moral of the story is

that even though you may feel connected to a thing,

or some essential body parts,

over time, you will forget that you ever had them.

I strongly doubt that.

No. Because time heals all wounds.

That's what the little boy discovered.

If you think that I'm gonna chop off my hands to give them to Varg,

then you're very wrong.

Can't we just call it "taking one for the team"?

No.

Where are my hands?

You're not gonna get them.

Then I'll have to grab them myself.

Sorry, I don't fight handicapped people.

I don't have a weapon.

Pathetic!

Anyone else?

Huh?

Don't do it, Frøya. Remember, we're sister villages.

This is for everyone you have sodomized

and killed in Norheim!

And for what you did

to Arvid!

Never turn your back on an enemy you've defeated.

I just love these!

Ehm...

Yes...

Even though this was very unfortunate,

at least we've

shared an experience for life.

And that's

perhaps something we can build on?

And then I hope that Vargnes and Norheim still can continue

to be sister villages?

Of course, Orm.

Of course.

[sad music]

This must be so rough for you.

Suddenly being a widower,

with so much responsibility.

The way you're handling this really inspires respect, Orm.

It does. It truly does.

It's more than any man should have to bear.

At least alone.

It takes a special man.

I have so much respect for you.

And all your layers.

And your weeks as a slave certainly worked wonders for your physique.

Yeah?

I don't know. I've got some new muscles.

You've developed a seriously sexual physique, Orm.

Yes, I have. I have.

To think that I've been so blind.

Floundered around searching for Mister Right.

And all this time

he's been standing right in front of me.

Mister Right?

-That's up to others to decide. -You are.

I am. Am I?

You're my Mister Right.

All right?

Hildur?

Yes?

What was that?

What?

-What did you tell my crew? -Nothing in particular.

Just keeping an eye on their packing.

Aren't they packing way too much?

Oh, I don't know. It's easier to pack too lightly and then regret it.

So I'm just making sure that doesn't happen.

I see. Excellent.

So, is the ship about ready?

Yes. It will be ready the morning after your going-away party.

So you should be all set for Rome, Rufus.

Good.

Kark.

Did you have a chance to visit the shaman?

Yeah.

If Arvid's plan works,

we'll see if we can make you a free man.

A free man?

We don't have to decide that now. We can just play it by ear.

But we have to thank you somehow.

Yeah, but my freedom? That's a bit much.

Maybe a handshake or something. That's more than enough.

But that can hardly be enough. There must be something else you want?

Maybe taste some human food? That would be special.

But I...

I'm sure I can manage that.

Seriously? You can arrange that?

Maybe.

We'll see.

Great. That's...

Thank you!

That's...

Dearest everyone.

It's

with a heavy heart

that we now say goodbye

to our own

bridge over troubled water.

A man who knows the meaning of living.

But most of all,

a true

artist.

Rufus!

Rufus, would you like to say a few words?

Yes.

I have turned this village

from a primitive nest

of retarded warriors,

into a cultural beacon.

I have single-handedly...

Single-handedly!

Ensured that when the history of the Vikings

is written,

you won't be remembered

as skilled warriors.

With iconic ships. No.

You will be remembered

for abstract installations and performance art.

My work here

is done.

You must manage on your own from now on.

And here it would be natural

with a resounding applause.

Applause is when you clap your hands together.

It's not that complicated.

But from now on

it's gonna be like, you know, suddenly I'll just drop by

you guys, for instance.

And you're just gonna say:

"Come in. Have something to eat. Would you like to sit down?"

Someone will pull out an instrument.

And we'll all sing ballads that we all know.

And someone will recite poems.

And suddenly we'll all be naked, without anything being planned.

And then we wake up the next day and no one is regretting anything.

And we're not embarrassed or anything.

No, on the contrary.

We're proud of what we did. We stand for what happened.

Maybe we've broken some barriers.

Because we've been suppressing some feelings deep down.

And now we can finally

own up to them in a more free-minded...

Orm, we have a little surprise for you.

-Oh? -Please come.

OK. Exciting!

Enjoy. I'll be back to...

A welcome mead for the power elite.

There you go.

Rufus. And you too, Liv.

Enjoy!

Come on. Drink!

Cheers!

Hang on.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you shouldn't drink

if someone is extremely eager for you to drink.

OK?

Have you done something to this mead?

You haven't had any genital fluids in here, have you?

Seriously?

Who would even consider squeezing out genital fluids

to pour into someone's mead?

This is perfectly ordinary mead

There are no bodily fluids of any kind in there, I guarantee it.

Then I suggest that Kark tastes it first.

Just to make sure.

Of course.

[burps]

So?

Any taste of... [distorted voice] genital or body?

No, no.

Not at all.

It's great.

It's a wonderful flavor.

[distorted voice] The subhuman has spoken.

Zero genital fluid in the mead!

-Cheers! -Cheers!

For Rufus' trip to Rome and for the chieftain.

[Hildur snickers]

Ow!

Orm!

Orm?

Are you there?

Liv?

Wake up.

Hey.

What's happening?

Where is everybody?

Hello?

Hello?

No!

It was unnecessary to take the ship as well.

[Rufus cries]

Finally, you're awake.

Sorry we took you against your will.

But you wouldn't have come willingly, would you?

You bet I wouldn't!

Where do you think you're going?

The land to the west.

And we need someone to farm the land.

Loki!

It's gonna be great.

Colonizing.

Ravishing on a much larger scale.

Could one of you go get Frøya?

She was sleeping earlier, so I didn't want to wake her up.

Arvid.

Frøya...

Frøya what?

Varg.

What?

He had knives

hidden in his prostheses.

What do you mean, knives?

She's sleeping, right?

Frøya.

Frøya?

Frøya?

Frøya.

Frøya...

Well, at least I'm chieftain.

That's something.

The last time this triumvirate was alone,

we were outlaws in the forest.

You're chieftain of an abandoned village.

You do realize what we have to do now?

Yes.

The thing that, you know...

We have to start building a ship that can bring me back to Rome!

That is the most important thing right now.

Good luck with that.

We have to assemble a crew and just get started.

You do realize you can just forget about that now, right?

At least we have each other.

And I have to say it was very nice to sex with you

the other day, Liv.

Imagine that we didn't find each other until now.

If there's one thing there's plenty of time for now,

it's just lying here in the longhouse,

sexing

and waiting for better days.

Arvid?

Now it's important not to bury yourself in grief.

The two of us need to be strong and work our way through this together.

We have to put this behind us quickly

and get on with our lives.

That's what Frøya would have wanted.

You think?

Yes.

Arvid, everything happens for a reason.

Now I've lost my husband

and you've lost your girlfriend.

It's pretty obvious what the gods want here.

Yeah, they want us to be single forever.

No, Arvid.

It's the gods will that the two of us should be together.

As chieftain and chieftain's wife.

Are you ready for the three big P's?

Pale ale. Party.

And bone-dry pussy!

[loud cheers]

Here I hold the key to the West.

This map will make Vargnes

great again!

We will crush everyone who stands

in our way!

[loud cheers]

And we will cut them in tiny, tiny pieces!

[moderate cheers]

And burn them to death

inside their houses!

[hesitant cheers]

And peel off their skin

and dry it and use it as some sort of clothes.

Something like that.

I've got many great ideas,

believe me!

Great to be back.