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1
00:00:03,023 --> 00:00:05,351
What's that sad bouncy house for?
2
00:00:06,859 --> 00:00:08,398
That is an air mattress.
3
00:00:08,423 --> 00:00:10,070
And I think we all know what it's for.
4
00:00:10,095 --> 00:00:11,484
Marital strife.
5
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:15,343
Ha! Not this time.
6
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,125
Nope.
7
00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:19,343
Actually, the air mattress
is for Nicole.
8
00:00:19,368 --> 00:00:21,617
You're sleeping in Mark and
Leila's room for a few days
9
00:00:21,642 --> 00:00:23,444
because...
10
00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:27,556
Grandma and Grandpa are coming. Yay!
11
00:00:27,581 --> 00:00:29,171
[GROANING]
12
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:32,433
Seriously? It's like being
visited by two time travelers
13
00:00:32,458 --> 00:00:35,895
here to tell us which stores
used to be other stores.
14
00:00:36,663 --> 00:00:38,320
All right, okay, listen.
15
00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:40,714
I-I know having them
here isn't always easy...
16
00:00:40,739 --> 00:00:43,542
But you have to understand
they come from a generation
17
00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:46,859
where food and criticism
are how you show love.
18
00:00:47,633 --> 00:00:49,070
Let's be honest.
19
00:00:49,095 --> 00:00:50,913
Thanks to technology, the oral tradition
20
00:00:50,938 --> 00:00:53,106
that once made Grandma
and Grandpa relevant
21
00:00:53,139 --> 00:00:54,734
has been rendered obsolete.
22
00:00:55,061 --> 00:00:57,671
They're the AOL of people.
23
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:02,446
They do make weird
sounds when starting up.
24
00:01:04,175 --> 00:01:05,929
And they love telling
us when we have mail.
25
00:01:05,954 --> 00:01:07,375
But that's helpful.
26
00:01:08,121 --> 00:01:10,226
Yes. I think there's still a lot
27
00:01:10,251 --> 00:01:12,335
Grandma and Grandpa can teach us.
28
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,375
Oh. Thanks, buddy.
29
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,289
They will likely be our
introduction to death.
30
00:01:20,283 --> 00:01:22,492
You guys don't enjoy it
when they're here, either.
31
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:24,286
Last time they came
Mom broke out a puzzle
32
00:01:24,311 --> 00:01:26,647
and you left to go watch the sunset.
33
00:01:26,672 --> 00:01:28,328
It was 8:00 a.m.
34
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:31,328
When are they coming?
35
00:01:31,353 --> 00:01:32,773
Well...
36
00:01:37,321 --> 00:01:39,835
Bang. You're all dead.
37
00:01:40,848 --> 00:01:42,250
House full of geniuses,
38
00:01:42,275 --> 00:01:44,398
nobody thinks to lock the front door?
39
00:01:45,286 --> 00:01:47,304
Also, you've got mail.
40
00:01:48,753 --> 00:01:53,753
♪♪
41
00:01:56,469 --> 00:01:58,604
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:58,629 --> 00:02:00,804
- Sylvia! Jay, hi.
- Hi.
43
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,023
- Hi.
- Hey.
44
00:02:03,539 --> 00:02:05,195
How was the flight from Boca?
45
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:07,976
Confusing. I sat next
to something called
46
00:02:08,001 --> 00:02:09,851
an emotional support duck.
47
00:02:11,417 --> 00:02:13,670
I'm telling you,
the world has gone nuts.
48
00:02:13,695 --> 00:02:15,523
Your kids' futures are in the hands
49
00:02:15,555 --> 00:02:18,772
of people who fly around with
ducks in little red vests.
50
00:02:18,797 --> 00:02:21,185
Yeah. In my day, ducks
used to wear a jacket and tie
51
00:02:21,210 --> 00:02:22,227
when they flew on a plane.
52
00:02:22,251 --> 00:02:24,898
[LAUGHS] Hey... hey, that's pretty good.
53
00:02:24,923 --> 00:02:26,312
Kay tell you to say that?
54
00:02:26,964 --> 00:02:28,889
SYLVIA: Look at these angels.
55
00:02:28,914 --> 00:02:31,375
Ooh, I just want to dunk you in sangria
56
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,218
and drink you up. [CLICKS TONGUE]
57
00:02:33,243 --> 00:02:35,320
Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh?
58
00:02:35,345 --> 00:02:38,482
And Brian. Put her there, baby.
Put her there.
59
00:02:40,016 --> 00:02:42,419
What is that, like, a bag of coleslaw?
60
00:02:42,444 --> 00:02:43,992
Come on. Don't they teach you how to
61
00:02:44,017 --> 00:02:46,593
shake hands at that fancy
private school of yours?
62
00:02:46,618 --> 00:02:47,795
That's next semester.
63
00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:49,344
Right now we're focusing on eye contact
64
00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:51,704
and comfort around
groups of two or more.
65
00:02:53,377 --> 00:02:55,796
Hey, you're wasting your
money on that private school.
66
00:02:55,821 --> 00:02:58,000
And by the way, I just
taught him how to shake hands.
67
00:02:58,025 --> 00:02:59,921
That'll be 30 grand, please.
68
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:02,678
SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay.
69
00:03:02,703 --> 00:03:05,445
You know,
I brag to my friends all the time
70
00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,406
about how brilliant you three are.
71
00:03:07,431 --> 00:03:10,210
Let me see you do something
smart for Grandma.
72
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:13,296
What number am I thinking of
73
00:03:13,321 --> 00:03:15,140
right now?
74
00:03:16,789 --> 00:03:18,184
Seven.
75
00:03:18,217 --> 00:03:21,382
Oh, my God! My brilliant grandchildren!
76
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,156
[QUIETLY]: It was three. I felt bad.
77
00:03:25,658 --> 00:03:27,584
There's my little featherweight, huh?
78
00:03:27,609 --> 00:03:28,609
Come over here.
79
00:03:28,634 --> 00:03:30,751
Let me see you put that left
hook right on Grandpa's chin.
80
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,920
- Go ahead.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
81
00:03:32,945 --> 00:03:34,898
[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
we're-we're trying to cut back
82
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,101
on the violence.
83
00:03:36,126 --> 00:03:38,628
Apparently, during recess,
she organized a fight club.
84
00:03:39,113 --> 00:03:42,730
SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you.
So gorgeous.
85
00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:45,206
You don't need a brain
when you're this pretty.
86
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:48,027
I'm a three-time regional
debate champion,
87
00:03:48,052 --> 00:03:50,417
and I don't know how to respond to that.
88
00:03:51,251 --> 00:03:53,402
What I do is say nothing.
89
00:03:53,427 --> 00:03:55,902
Then get too drunk at
Thanksgiving and say everything.
90
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,534
Anyway, Dad, uh,
91
00:03:58,559 --> 00:04:00,228
I know how much you miss Wawa,
92
00:04:00,253 --> 00:04:02,613
so I picked up a bunch
of subs for dinner.
93
00:04:02,638 --> 00:04:04,106
What are you talking about?
94
00:04:04,131 --> 00:04:06,136
You can't have lunch meat for dinner.
95
00:04:06,161 --> 00:04:08,085
What is this, an AA meeting?
96
00:04:08,110 --> 00:04:10,503
Oh, what, are you kidding? No way.
97
00:04:10,528 --> 00:04:12,095
We're having steaks.
98
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:13,889
Oh, look at that. I got...
99
00:04:13,914 --> 00:04:16,613
I got the best butcher in Florida. Huh?
100
00:04:16,638 --> 00:04:18,841
Your mother thought I was
crazy packing frozen steaks
101
00:04:18,866 --> 00:04:21,019
in my carry-on. [LAUGHS]
102
00:04:21,378 --> 00:04:24,417
Who's crazy now, lady?
103
00:04:24,442 --> 00:04:27,019
I love it when my
family is all together.
104
00:04:27,044 --> 00:04:30,284
I agree. It's a nice
moment. I'll miss this.
105
00:04:30,309 --> 00:04:33,683
Oh, Markie, we're gonna
be here the whole week.
106
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,411
I meant when you're dead.
107
00:04:37,399 --> 00:04:39,870
Who wants to do a puzzle?
108
00:04:47,034 --> 00:04:49,409
You finally got around
to all that nailing scraps
109
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,152
of wood you've been meaning to do.
110
00:04:52,144 --> 00:04:54,324
I needed a break from my dad.
111
00:04:54,349 --> 00:04:56,808
You know, I drove
a half hour to get those subs,
112
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:58,312
and he just pulls out some luggage meat
113
00:04:58,336 --> 00:05:00,105
and expects me to fire up the grill?
114
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,784
I mean, he was barely
through the door and already
115
00:05:02,809 --> 00:05:05,878
criticizing me, my parenting, my subs.
116
00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:08,699
I feel bad for the duck
who had to sit next to him
117
00:05:08,724 --> 00:05:10,159
on the plane.
118
00:05:10,596 --> 00:05:12,899
I hope that duck has its own duck.
119
00:05:13,259 --> 00:05:15,210
It's like nothing I do is right.
120
00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:16,559
And it's been like that my whole life.
121
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,136
You know, in high school,
I wanted to play soccer.
122
00:05:19,161 --> 00:05:21,355
He made me play football because...
123
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,902
[IMITATING JAY]: Soccer? [SCOFFS]
124
00:05:22,927 --> 00:05:26,269
Soccer's for commies
and failed placekickers.
125
00:05:27,581 --> 00:05:29,750
Yeah. Well, in your dad's defense,
126
00:05:29,775 --> 00:05:31,605
being married to your mom for 40 years
127
00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:33,222
probably broke his brain.
128
00:05:33,644 --> 00:05:35,722
Do not make me choose
between you and my mom
129
00:05:35,747 --> 00:05:37,003
because...
130
00:05:37,301 --> 00:05:39,402
you'll win, but you might
not cover the spread.
131
00:05:39,759 --> 00:05:41,394
Any time she gets me alone,
132
00:05:41,419 --> 00:05:43,589
all she does is grill me about you.
133
00:05:43,614 --> 00:05:44,909
[IMITATING SYLVIA]: How's he sleeping?
134
00:05:44,933 --> 00:05:48,386
Does he wear a jacket?
Is he having foot pain?
135
00:05:49,152 --> 00:05:51,988
Good. When it's cold.
And not since she sent me the insoles.
136
00:05:52,263 --> 00:05:54,675
I don't want to talk
about your stupid feet.
137
00:05:54,863 --> 00:05:58,019
But no matter what I say,
she somehow always
138
00:05:58,044 --> 00:05:59,659
brings it back to you.
139
00:05:59,684 --> 00:06:01,175
One time I mentioned tampons,
140
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,644
and she got it back to you in 11 words.
141
00:06:03,990 --> 00:06:05,759
How'd she do that?
142
00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:10,222
Oh, never mind. I got it.
143
00:06:10,755 --> 00:06:13,089
Ugh, we should get back up there.
144
00:06:13,114 --> 00:06:14,597
The kids are alone with your parents,
145
00:06:14,622 --> 00:06:16,133
probably racking up thousands of dollars
146
00:06:16,157 --> 00:06:17,605
in future therapy.
147
00:06:17,997 --> 00:06:20,144
Oh, hey, let's look on the bright side.
148
00:06:20,169 --> 00:06:22,138
I mean, I never even
knew my grandparents.
149
00:06:22,163 --> 00:06:23,957
I mean, we should feel
lucky that we still have...
150
00:06:23,981 --> 00:06:24,981
JAY: Hey!
151
00:06:25,006 --> 00:06:27,386
What the hell is a kale chip?
152
00:06:31,911 --> 00:06:35,128
Two nails left. One for you, one for me.
153
00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:44,370
Kay, there you are.
154
00:06:45,525 --> 00:06:46,993
Sit your tush.
155
00:06:47,018 --> 00:06:49,128
We need to talk, just us girls.
156
00:06:49,495 --> 00:06:52,245
So... how's my boy?
157
00:06:53,266 --> 00:06:55,370
Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl.
158
00:06:55,395 --> 00:06:56,962
Oh, good. And...
159
00:06:56,987 --> 00:06:59,127
Feet are much better since the insoles.
160
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,474
Arches like a ballerina, that one.
161
00:07:01,507 --> 00:07:02,597
- And is he...
- Hey.
162
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,824
That is a lovely jacket.
163
00:07:04,849 --> 00:07:06,120
Where did you get that from?
164
00:07:06,145 --> 00:07:09,370
Oh, I got it at an after-Christmas sale.
165
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:10,824
Those are always a gamble.
166
00:07:10,849 --> 00:07:13,820
Of course, you know about that
from your job at the casino.
167
00:07:14,008 --> 00:07:16,925
Which reminds me, how is work for Mike?
168
00:07:18,298 --> 00:07:20,581
Mom, Grandpa sent me
in to bring him a beer
169
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:23,316
because he says it tastes better
when a woman brings it to him.
170
00:07:24,956 --> 00:07:26,621
I taught him that.
171
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,814
It's important to keep them helpless.
172
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,503
You know, why don't I bring it to him,
173
00:07:32,528 --> 00:07:34,883
and, Nicole, you can stay here
and fill in Grandma
174
00:07:34,908 --> 00:07:36,066
on what Dad's been doing.
175
00:07:36,091 --> 00:07:38,673
But I want to see Grandpa's
face when we finish the puzzle
176
00:07:38,698 --> 00:07:40,464
and he sees that the Earth is round.
177
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:46,175
I heard daughters who
take one for the team
178
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,003
- sometimes get their bedrooms back.
- [CHUCKLES]
179
00:07:49,028 --> 00:07:52,027
I see your bribe and raise
you that blazer I wanted.
180
00:07:52,052 --> 00:07:53,745
Done. You're slipping.
181
00:07:53,770 --> 00:07:55,613
You could have had
me for the full pantsuit.
182
00:07:56,312 --> 00:07:58,597
You could have had
me for just the bedroom.
183
00:07:59,597 --> 00:08:00,941
Damn it.
184
00:08:01,269 --> 00:08:02,613
Kay!
185
00:08:02,638 --> 00:08:04,627
You forgot Jay's beer.
186
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,316
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
187
00:08:10,304 --> 00:08:13,574
Hey, buddy, why don't you
come help us with the puzzle?
188
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:17,808
No puzzle is quite so
fascinating as the final puzzle.
189
00:08:18,183 --> 00:08:19,886
Death.
190
00:08:25,956 --> 00:08:29,161
That's a real spooky kid
you got there, son.
191
00:08:29,528 --> 00:08:31,270
Geez. So, Bri,
192
00:08:31,295 --> 00:08:32,861
tell me, how's it going with the girls?
193
00:08:32,886 --> 00:08:34,054
You driving 'em wild?
194
00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:36,325
I'm not sure,
'cause I've never spoken to them.
195
00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:41,645
Well, that's all gonna change
now that you're driving.
196
00:08:41,670 --> 00:08:43,208
Oh, I'm not driving.
197
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,279
What are you talking about?
198
00:08:44,303 --> 00:08:46,098
We don't need to get into that.
Oh, hey, Dad,
199
00:08:46,123 --> 00:08:48,161
was that CVS that
looks like a movie theater
200
00:08:48,186 --> 00:08:49,755
always a CVS?
201
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,620
Oh, no, no. First it was a Gimbels...
202
00:08:53,645 --> 00:08:56,189
Don't bait me with store talk.
203
00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:58,637
I want to hear about this thing.
204
00:08:58,662 --> 00:09:00,395
I'm not driving until I'm 25.
205
00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:02,421
That's when the limbic
system is developed enough
206
00:09:02,446 --> 00:09:04,302
to fully process risk.
207
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,427
You know, with all
the science in that sentence,
208
00:09:07,452 --> 00:09:09,387
it's still the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.
209
00:09:10,098 --> 00:09:12,028
Well, if getting around is the concern,
210
00:09:12,053 --> 00:09:13,395
I have that taken care of.
211
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,489
Oh, no, no, no, hold on.
212
00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:15,826
We don't need to show Grandpa that.
213
00:09:15,850 --> 00:09:17,106
Show Grandpa what?
214
00:09:17,131 --> 00:09:20,239
This is the future of transportation.
215
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:23,887
That is the future of dying a virgin.
216
00:09:24,342 --> 00:09:27,122
I know what you're thinking,
and the answer is yes.
217
00:09:27,147 --> 00:09:30,255
- This is a wearable airbag.
- [HORN SQUEAKS]
218
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,333
You're okay with this?
219
00:09:35,044 --> 00:09:36,895
"Okay" is a strong word.
220
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,107
Son, a man has to drive.
221
00:09:40,132 --> 00:09:43,136
You can't take a girl to
the drive-in in an Uber.
222
00:09:43,161 --> 00:09:44,638
I mean, how's that supposed to work?
223
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,154
"Honey, I'm gonna go get some popcorn.
224
00:09:46,178 --> 00:09:47,981
Anything for you, Viktor?"
225
00:09:48,941 --> 00:09:50,770
He doesn't want to learn how to drive.
226
00:09:50,795 --> 00:09:52,217
Okay? And I'm not gonna
force my kids to do
227
00:09:52,241 --> 00:09:53,450
something they don't want to do.
228
00:09:53,474 --> 00:09:55,176
Okay, fine. If you can't handle it,
229
00:09:55,201 --> 00:09:56,294
I'll take care of it.
230
00:09:56,319 --> 00:09:57,864
- Whoa, h-hold on, hold on.
- What?
231
00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:59,842
No, you're-you're not
teaching my kid how to drive.
232
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,880
If anyone is teaching him,
it's gonna be me.
233
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,040
Sure you are.
234
00:10:03,065 --> 00:10:05,261
That's almost as funny
as Kay's duck joke.
235
00:10:05,286 --> 00:10:08,208
No. No, no, no, I'm doing it. Okay?
236
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,880
Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy?
237
00:10:09,905 --> 00:10:12,106
- Your dad's teaching you to drive.
- What?
238
00:10:17,411 --> 00:10:21,141
Boy, you're off to a bang-up start, huh?
239
00:10:21,174 --> 00:10:23,610
You got a, uh,
pocket knife to pop your son?
240
00:10:24,025 --> 00:10:25,755
Of course you don't.
241
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,559
Hey. How'd you get rid of Grandma?
242
00:10:32,584 --> 00:10:34,232
Did you tell her Michael
Bublé's signing CDs
243
00:10:34,256 --> 00:10:35,856
at the Barnes & Noble?
244
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:39,739
No. She's making us a nail appointment.
245
00:10:40,052 --> 00:10:41,747
Oh, sweetie, no.
246
00:10:41,772 --> 00:10:43,471
You will be strapped to a spa chair
247
00:10:43,496 --> 00:10:45,192
while Grandma grills you about Dad.
248
00:10:45,217 --> 00:10:48,083
That is not a nail appointment,
that's a hostage situation.
249
00:10:49,077 --> 00:10:51,346
Actually, she's barely mentioned Dad.
250
00:10:51,371 --> 00:10:52,919
Really?
251
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,841
So what have you been talking
about this whole time?
252
00:10:55,866 --> 00:10:58,644
A lot of things. Her life, my life.
253
00:10:58,669 --> 00:11:01,519
We called her friend Margee.
She's a real hoot.
254
00:11:01,544 --> 00:11:03,755
That's a phrase I picked up from Margee.
255
00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:06,485
SYLVIA: Good news.
256
00:11:06,518 --> 00:11:10,808
My nail lady Carmela's out on parole,
and she can fit us in.
257
00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:14,445
Then you can finish your
story about Kevin Slattery.
258
00:11:14,899 --> 00:11:16,708
Who's Kevin Slattery?
259
00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:19,388
Oh, nobody. Grandma.
260
00:11:20,043 --> 00:11:22,309
Oh, right. [TONGUE CLICKING]
261
00:11:24,053 --> 00:11:25,114
We should go anyway.
262
00:11:25,139 --> 00:11:27,809
When we're done at Carmela's,
I booked us a spray tan.
263
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,411
I know a guy who does it cheap
264
00:11:29,436 --> 00:11:31,372
in the parking lot of a funeral home.
265
00:11:36,036 --> 00:11:38,098
So you're mad that your daughter
266
00:11:38,123 --> 00:11:40,755
is spending quality time
with her grandmother?
267
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:43,372
No, I'm mad they're doing it without me.
268
00:11:43,397 --> 00:11:45,348
I mean, do I not look
like someone who wants
269
00:11:45,373 --> 00:11:47,286
to get a spray tan in a parking lot?
270
00:11:47,311 --> 00:11:49,528
I am Jersey trash. That's all I want.
271
00:11:50,331 --> 00:11:51,747
Your favorite food is wine coolers.
272
00:11:51,772 --> 00:11:53,544
No one's questioning how trashy you are.
273
00:11:54,248 --> 00:11:58,270
It's not just that.
They were actually bonding.
274
00:11:58,295 --> 00:12:00,692
Neither of them have ever
talked to me like that.
275
00:12:00,717 --> 00:12:03,731
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
276
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,833
I know how badly you
want to connect with...
277
00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:09,247
Yeah! Suck it, blue guy! Whoo!
278
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:11,941
That is why we keep the
video games in the basement.
279
00:12:11,966 --> 00:12:13,145
Why is this out?
280
00:12:13,170 --> 00:12:15,841
Oh, it's a low-stress way
to teach Brian how to drive.
281
00:12:15,866 --> 00:12:17,146
But Brian doesn't want to drive.
282
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,325
And we agreed that's
fine since he wanted us
283
00:12:19,350 --> 00:12:21,216
to put a seat belt on the recliner.
284
00:12:21,572 --> 00:12:25,966
Look, honey, a man needs to drive.
285
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:27,723
Why?
286
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,251
Because... W-What are you gonna do?
287
00:12:30,276 --> 00:12:33,520
You gonna go to the
drive-in with Viktor?
288
00:12:35,347 --> 00:12:38,153
Oh. This was your dad's idea.
289
00:12:38,178 --> 00:12:40,581
Fine, but it was
my idea to listen to him.
290
00:12:40,606 --> 00:12:43,200
And I am gonna take
the lead on this, all right?
291
00:12:43,225 --> 00:12:45,239
If I left it up to my dad, he'd...
I don't know...
292
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:48,848
He'd whistle, smack Brian's butt
and say, "Car. Now."
293
00:12:49,799 --> 00:12:51,786
Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian?
294
00:12:51,811 --> 00:12:53,708
Uh, I just saw Grandpa go...
295
00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:56,895
[WHISTLES] "Car. Now."
296
00:12:57,790 --> 00:13:00,060
Damn it. Here, take over.
297
00:13:01,768 --> 00:13:03,966
Hey, Mom, can you get me a juice box?
298
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:06,716
It tastes better when a
woman brings it to you.
299
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,872
- All right, okay. This is it.
- You know, Grandpa,
300
00:13:12,897 --> 00:13:14,809
if you really wanted
to try my transporter,
301
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:16,451
you could have just
done it in the driveway.
302
00:13:16,475 --> 00:13:18,481
Oh, no, I-I wanted to take it someplace
303
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,091
where I could, uh, really open her up.
304
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:21,349
You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]
305
00:13:21,373 --> 00:13:23,630
Hey, hey, but, uh, while we're here,
306
00:13:23,655 --> 00:13:26,145
this is a great place to
practice your driving.
307
00:13:26,170 --> 00:13:28,848
It's just a quick hop over
here to the driver's seat.
308
00:13:28,873 --> 00:13:30,732
Well, if there's one thing
you should know about me,
309
00:13:30,756 --> 00:13:32,126
it's that I can't hop.
310
00:13:32,151 --> 00:13:34,012
- And certainly not quickly.
- Uh-huh.
311
00:13:34,037 --> 00:13:36,303
Okay. Well, you know, I'm just,
just throwing it out there.
312
00:13:36,327 --> 00:13:37,692
You know what I mean?
313
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,419
[SHOUTING]
314
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,450
- H... G-Grandpa?
- I... It's my chest.
315
00:13:42,475 --> 00:13:43,919
I think I'm having a heart attack.
316
00:13:43,944 --> 00:13:46,794
Uh, M-Marc was right.
He said you could go at any minute.
317
00:13:46,819 --> 00:13:49,411
He said what? B-But that doesn't matter.
318
00:13:49,436 --> 00:13:50,780
You're gonna have to
drive me to the hospital.
319
00:13:50,804 --> 00:13:52,573
- Wait, wait.
- Come on. Come on.
320
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,364
No, no, this isn't a heart attack.
321
00:13:54,389 --> 00:13:55,958
It's a pulmonary embolism.
322
00:13:55,983 --> 00:13:58,450
Forget the hospital.
You'll be dead before we get there.
323
00:13:58,475 --> 00:13:59,567
What are you doing?
324
00:13:59,592 --> 00:14:02,005
I'm gonna pierce your thoracic
cavity to relieve the pressure.
325
00:14:02,029 --> 00:14:03,060
- No, no, no.
- Don't worry,
326
00:14:03,084 --> 00:14:04,092
I've done this to a hamster.
327
00:14:04,116 --> 00:14:07,208
- Wait a minute, you maniac!
- Hey, what is going on?
328
00:14:07,816 --> 00:14:09,919
Your son is a nut.
329
00:14:10,264 --> 00:14:12,684
Grandpa's having a pulmonary embolism.
330
00:14:12,709 --> 00:14:13,747
I'm not having anything.
331
00:14:13,772 --> 00:14:15,966
I was faking it so that you'd drive.
332
00:14:15,991 --> 00:14:17,802
What? How could you do that?
333
00:14:17,827 --> 00:14:19,200
Me? You were just about
334
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:21,394
to perform surgery on me with a pen.
335
00:14:21,419 --> 00:14:24,114
Doesn't anybody in this
family own a pocket knife?
336
00:14:24,879 --> 00:14:26,302
I can't believe you.
337
00:14:26,327 --> 00:14:28,762
I told you if Brian was going to drive,
338
00:14:28,787 --> 00:14:30,161
I would be the one to teach him.
339
00:14:30,186 --> 00:14:33,012
With a video game,
huh? That's not driving.
340
00:14:33,037 --> 00:14:35,007
You know, Springsteen's
not singing about
341
00:14:35,032 --> 00:14:37,239
escaping Jersey in a Mario kart.
342
00:14:37,623 --> 00:14:41,005
He's my son, okay?
So however I wanted to teach him
343
00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:42,052
should be up to me.
344
00:14:42,077 --> 00:14:43,646
But you've never let
anything be up to me.
345
00:14:43,670 --> 00:14:45,802
You've never cared about what I want.
346
00:14:45,827 --> 00:14:47,052
What are you talking about?
347
00:14:47,077 --> 00:14:49,947
I-I'm talking about soccer.
348
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:52,262
I could have been great. See?
349
00:14:54,955 --> 00:14:57,372
- You robbed the world of that.
- [SCOFFS]
350
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,825
Son, I was just trying to stop you
351
00:14:59,850 --> 00:15:01,997
from making what I thought
were bad decisions.
352
00:15:02,022 --> 00:15:04,419
They were my bad decisions to make.
353
00:15:04,672 --> 00:15:06,075
And I'm not gonna steamroll my kids
354
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,505
the same way you steamrolled me.
355
00:15:07,530 --> 00:15:09,333
Come on, Bri. You don't have to...
356
00:15:09,358 --> 00:15:13,028
- Uh-oh. He's gone.
- So is his scooter.
357
00:15:13,053 --> 00:15:15,208
Hey, I'm impressed those coleslaw hands
358
00:15:15,233 --> 00:15:16,802
could lift it out of the van.
359
00:15:21,897 --> 00:15:23,903
Are you sure about these?
360
00:15:23,928 --> 00:15:26,208
I have scratches all over my body.
361
00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:30,177
Your skin just needs
to build a good callus.
362
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:34,716
Hey, Syl. Look what I got.
363
00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:39,067
They're vouchers for free
massages at the casino spa.
364
00:15:39,092 --> 00:15:41,061
We give them to high
rollers and hotel guests
365
00:15:41,086 --> 00:15:42,630
who find cameras in their bathroom.
366
00:15:43,995 --> 00:15:46,700
I thought you, me
and Nicole could all go together.
367
00:15:46,725 --> 00:15:49,958
Oh, Kay, that's so nice.
368
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:52,825
But you know who you
should save these for? Mike.
369
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,880
He looks so tense. Is
he working too hard?
370
00:15:54,905 --> 00:15:58,294
Oh, my God, I don't care.
Mike isn't interesting.
371
00:15:58,494 --> 00:16:00,169
I mean, he is.
372
00:16:00,194 --> 00:16:03,473
He completes me,
best friend, the one, but...
373
00:16:05,022 --> 00:16:09,767
why is every conversation just
you interrogating me about him?
374
00:16:09,792 --> 00:16:11,517
I don't do that.
375
00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:12,877
Does Mike think I do that?
376
00:16:12,902 --> 00:16:14,892
Ugh...
377
00:16:14,917 --> 00:16:17,978
- What?
- You've been doing it for 20 years!
378
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:21,158
I'm sorry, it's just,
Mike tells me nothing.
379
00:16:21,183 --> 00:16:23,947
I'd have no idea what was
going on in my son's life
380
00:16:23,972 --> 00:16:25,525
if you didn't tell me.
381
00:16:25,550 --> 00:16:28,033
Well, I get what that's like.
382
00:16:28,058 --> 00:16:30,626
I mean, I can't get Nicole
to tell me anything, either.
383
00:16:30,651 --> 00:16:32,377
It's hard being a mom.
384
00:16:32,402 --> 00:16:34,939
You go from knowing
everything about your babies,
385
00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:37,822
and then they grow up
and you're just desperate
386
00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:39,908
for any scrap you can get.
387
00:16:40,388 --> 00:16:43,056
This morning,
I called your friend Margee
388
00:16:43,081 --> 00:16:45,189
to find out who Kevin Slattery is.
389
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:49,179
She really is a hoot.
390
00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:52,046
That's nothing.
391
00:16:52,071 --> 00:16:54,890
Most of my medical
procedures are unnecessary.
392
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:59,452
I just do it so Mike has to
call and ask how I'm doing.
393
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:00,545
Even the hip?
394
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:02,839
It was a 20-minute
call. Totally worth it.
395
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:07,148
See? This is the type of stuff
396
00:17:07,173 --> 00:17:09,960
we could have been talking
about this whole time.
397
00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:14,335
And, look, I'm happy to talk
about Mike, but sometimes...
398
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,742
You just want to talk about Nicole?
399
00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:18,765
Oh, God, yes. Can we start now?
400
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:21,070
Well, if we're gonna get into it,
401
00:17:21,095 --> 00:17:23,506
we're gonna need the Jersey Juice.
402
00:17:23,531 --> 00:17:25,765
- Ah... [LAUGHS]
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
403
00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:27,555
Yeah. Mmm.
404
00:17:28,376 --> 00:17:29,979
[GRUNTS]
405
00:17:30,004 --> 00:17:32,085
Is that red wine or white?
406
00:17:32,110 --> 00:17:33,913
And a little vodka.
407
00:17:34,618 --> 00:17:37,195
He's got to be close.
I mean, how far could he have gotten?
408
00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:40,398
If that thing runs on shame,
he could be in Connecticut by now.
409
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:44,081
How'd you find us, anyway?
410
00:17:44,303 --> 00:17:46,226
That's where you taught me to drive.
411
00:17:46,687 --> 00:17:49,923
Huh. I'm surprised you remembered that.
412
00:17:50,354 --> 00:17:51,436
Hey, look,
413
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:53,921
I-I shouldn't have
taken Brian like that.
414
00:17:53,946 --> 00:17:56,050
- I-I was out of line.
- Eh, it's fine.
415
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,749
No, no. It's not fine.
416
00:17:57,774 --> 00:18:00,910
They're your kids,
and you do a good job with them.
417
00:18:01,145 --> 00:18:02,949
Better than I ever could.
418
00:18:03,199 --> 00:18:04,617
And just for the record,
419
00:18:04,642 --> 00:18:07,671
I never meant to steamroll
you into playing football.
420
00:18:07,696 --> 00:18:09,469
It's just that, how was
I supposed to coach you
421
00:18:09,493 --> 00:18:12,063
in soccer if I didn't
know anything about it?
422
00:18:12,988 --> 00:18:14,788
You think soccer's tough?
423
00:18:14,813 --> 00:18:16,538
My kids are into particle physics.
424
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,984
And numbers that somehow
also have letters in them.
425
00:18:19,570 --> 00:18:21,670
I guess you just try
to do the best you can
426
00:18:21,695 --> 00:18:26,034
and then you-you hope for a
couple of moments like this.
427
00:18:27,927 --> 00:18:30,624
Why is it so much easier
to talk like this in a car?
428
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:34,281
Car's a perfect spot
for a father-son talk.
429
00:18:34,476 --> 00:18:36,476
You know, nobody can leave,
430
00:18:36,501 --> 00:18:38,000
you're staring ahead for the most part,
431
00:18:38,024 --> 00:18:40,374
so there's none of
that weird eye contact.
432
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:43,320
And then...
then there's idiot drivers...
433
00:18:43,345 --> 00:18:45,398
... that are always a good
conversation starter.
434
00:18:45,423 --> 00:18:48,281
Hey, look, look, some moron
left his inflatable raft
435
00:18:48,306 --> 00:18:49,476
on the side of the road.
436
00:18:49,501 --> 00:18:51,851
You do realize that
inflatable raft is your son?
437
00:18:51,876 --> 00:18:53,912
- I do now. Pulling over.
- Yeah.
438
00:18:58,894 --> 00:19:02,358
[CHEERING OVER TV]
439
00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:03,718
Am I dead?
440
00:19:05,862 --> 00:19:07,498
No. And I'm glad.
441
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:09,085
- I'd miss you.
- Ah.
442
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:12,947
But if you see any lights
or tunnels, call me.
443
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:19,538
Is that Jay Bennett watching soccer?
444
00:19:19,563 --> 00:19:21,726
That's right. It was
your husband's idea.
445
00:19:21,751 --> 00:19:23,477
It's not half bad.
You know, you can hardly tell
446
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:25,710
most of these guys are European.
447
00:19:26,729 --> 00:19:28,679
MIKE: Oh, hey, Bri, listen.
448
00:19:28,704 --> 00:19:30,499
Sorry about the whole driving thing.
449
00:19:30,524 --> 00:19:32,502
I promise, you do not have
to learn until you're ready.
450
00:19:32,526 --> 00:19:35,648
It's all right. I had a lot of
time to reflect after my crash,
451
00:19:35,673 --> 00:19:38,304
and I decided I'm ready to face my fears
452
00:19:38,329 --> 00:19:40,054
and embrace the open road.
453
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:43,593
So I'm finally gonna learn
how to ride a bicycle.
454
00:19:46,290 --> 00:19:49,867
If I don't comment on that,
can I watch football?
455
00:19:53,916 --> 00:19:56,960
Oh, my God, Kay.
Wait till you see Nicole.
456
00:19:56,985 --> 00:19:59,257
She looks like Jackie O.
457
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:00,586
You know, before the whole thing.
458
00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:02,359
Nikki, come on in here.
459
00:20:09,488 --> 00:20:11,357
KAY: Wow. You look...
460
00:20:11,382 --> 00:20:13,132
You look like the women
outside Mom's casino
461
00:20:13,157 --> 00:20:15,023
Dad pretends not to look at.
462
00:20:15,984 --> 00:20:18,640
Mom, can I talk to you for a second?
463
00:20:22,479 --> 00:20:23,781
I don't know what happened.
464
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:25,608
It started with one nail appointment.
465
00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,226
Next thing I know, I'm lying facedown
466
00:20:27,251 --> 00:20:29,258
in the back of a hearse
getting an airbrush spray tan
467
00:20:29,282 --> 00:20:30,968
from a woman named Lou.
468
00:20:31,312 --> 00:20:33,656
All right,
you got a little carried away.
469
00:20:33,681 --> 00:20:35,398
This will all wash out.
470
00:20:35,423 --> 00:20:38,393
But I don't want it to wash out.
That's what scares me.
471
00:20:38,418 --> 00:20:41,288
I don't know where Nicole
ends and Nikki begins.
472
00:20:42,005 --> 00:20:43,476
Aw.
473
00:20:43,645 --> 00:20:46,992
Jersey trash is in your DNA.
474
00:20:48,105 --> 00:20:50,632
[NEW JERSEY ACCENT]: Hey!
Watch the hair, Ma.
475
00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:54,710
[REGULAR ACCENT]:
Why am I talking like that?
476
00:20:54,735 --> 00:20:57,132
Don't worry, we are gonna get you clean.
477
00:20:57,157 --> 00:20:58,577
First thing, spit out the gum.
478
00:20:58,602 --> 00:21:00,242
I'm chewing gum?
479
00:21:01,441 --> 00:21:03,726
To be safe, I'm going to
keep Leila away from Grandma
480
00:21:03,751 --> 00:21:04,945
for the rest of the week.
481
00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:06,609
Where is Leila?
482
00:21:07,773 --> 00:21:09,820
Look what Brian made me.
483
00:21:09,845 --> 00:21:12,007
I'm invincible!
484
00:21:14,808 --> 00:21:18,038
If anyone's keeping score,
she's my favorite.
485
00:21:20,956 --> 00:21:22,993
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
36522
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