All language subtitles for Lockie Leonard S01E02.eng

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning
themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves
out in the sun

# There was just enough
to get that far away

# Ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

This is me,
in there somewhere.

I'm having a near-death experience.

What's it like?

It's like being inside a washing
machine - rinse and spin cycle.

They say your whole life
flashes before your eyes.

Not true.

I was only thinking one thing -
"Revenge of the city boy."

Rewind.

I come in peace from a distant land.

M-my people should talk
to your people.

You here on holiday?

Is that a question
or are you just telling me?

What?

I've just moved here.

He's from the city.

Am I?

Yeah, OK.

You city blokes,
youse all up yourselves.

Youse all think you can surf.

Is that right? And this
is in your experience, is it?

OK.

What, you scared or something?

Scared? Nah. Just a healthy respect
for nature's fury.

What's this about?

What, this? Chill factor.

My wetsuit's wearing out.
Gotta get a new one.

Mate, he's gotta get a clue.

Wow, you got me there. Excellent.

OK, fellas, thanks
for this little chat,

and I'll be seeing
YOUSE again, probably.

But the welcoming committee
weren't finished with me just yet;

and somehow, I was guessing
that wasn't such a good thing.

Hang on, what's this?

Don't they teach YOUSE anything about
surfing etiquette in the country?

This is MY wave, pal.

So I'm getting bounced
along the seabed,

but that isn't
what's making city boy mad.

I might be hopeless at football,

I'm an embarrassment
in a cricket match,

but I CAN ride a board.

It was time to teach the welcoming
committee not to mess with city boy.

And tonight; their mums might need

to put their board shorts
through the wash.

Did you see that?

I think you just made an enemy.

It was worth it.

Come and get changed.
You'll be late for church.

Yay.

Though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of Death,

I will fear no evil.

Not even aggro surfers
with revenge on the brain.

Amen.

This is about as much fun
as a disco on the moon.

What do you mean?

No atmosphere.

Lockie, I hope you
understand that, um...

..I'm not one to force my opinions
down other people's throats.

"Live and let live" -
that's my motto.

But you're my kids.

So if I say we're going to church,
then off to church we trot.

I don't get it. Look at them.

They're not enjoying this
any more than we are.

Fun?

My goodness!

Must your whole life
be geared towards mindless fun?

We are here
to replenish our spirits

for the trials and tribulations
in the week ahead.

And quite a week
it looks like it's going to be -

your first day at school,
my first day at work.

I think we need all
the divine intervention we can get.

The whole church thing -
I just don't get it.

Has the thought ever occurred to you

that maybe you're not
supposed to..."get it"?

That there are certain things
that are so full of mystery

they they're beyond
our human understanding?

You don't make Mum
come to church.

Phillip, no-one can make
your mother do anything.

I thought you would've
understood that by now.

Dear Lord,

as you know,
I haven't asked you for anything

since the Eagles played Geelong
in the preliminary final,

but...
..I have a baby in nappies.

And, OK, it was my choice
not to use disposables.

I stress about the landfill,
I admit that.

..I also have two sons,
aged 10 and 12,

and a husband who can
get through 10 shirts in a week

and not even think about it!

So here's the thing...

..I need this washing machine
to work.

And I need it to work now.

And if it doesn't work now, then...

..I will know that you don't exist.

That's not a threat,
but, you know...

Think about it. Carefully.

Because I can be pushed too far.

Thy will be done. Amen.

# The Lord's my shepherd

# I'll not want

# In pastures green

# He leadeth me

# The quiet, quiet waters by. #

This is something
I've picked up over the years.

If you ever see an earring
and a guitar;

and there's a minister attached,

it means somebody's trying
to connect with young people.

There are many tribes
in God's house.

In fact, I rather think
I can see a few of them here today.

Because...

..of course...

..we have the footy tribe!

COME ON, THE DOCKERS!

OK, then.

Well, I can see we have
a chapter of the bikie tribe.

And up the back there,

I can see a cool dude
from the headbangers tribe.

This had
probably sounded great

when the Reverend
practised it at home in his bedroom.

Are there any other tribes
here today?

I'm in the, uh,
woodchip and whaling task force.

Well, have you ever
thought about those tribes

that don't wear a uniform?

That aren't so easy to spot?

The 'get off my case' tribe?

The 'nobody understands me' tribe?

But wouldn't it be great

if, ever we felt those things,

we could see the other guy
in our tribe

and say to them,
"Hey, bruz, you're just like me"?

But in front of an audience,

this was a major wipe-out.

And what made it worse, he knew it

The rev was obviously a member

of the 'I've just fallen flat
on my face and need a hug' tribe.

Top marks.

Tribes? Very insightful.

Oh, yes. I'd give it 'A' for effort.

Oh, really?

You don't know how grateful
I am to hear someone say that.

Dad, 'effort' is an 'E'.

So, technically, that's a fail.

Phillip!
What?

Because sometimes it's quite tricky
knowing where to pitch the humour.

No, we...we were...
we were...

..falling over!

What do you say, Lockie?

Yep, worked for me.

Huge.

OK, come on, boys.
Alright. 'Bye.

It was really sad.

I don't think I'd seen such
a nervous person in my whole life.

Finally, it had arrived -

Lockie Leonard's first day
as a high school student

Luckily, things were hectic enough
at home to distract me

from the growing sense of dread
in my stomach.

Hey, Mum, have you seen Blob's
rear end lately?

You notice the deliberate mistake?

Apple, apple. Muffin, muffin.
Chips, chips.

Milk...milk.

Joy, you wouldn't have
a clean shirt for me, would you?

Uh, I think you'll need to take
that one up with a higher authority.

And, um, boys,

if anyone asks you why you haven't
got any clean P.E. gear today,

just tell them, "God knows,"
and leave it at that.

Hmm?

Raring to go?

New face in a new school?

Sure. That's always gonna be fun.

What about you?

Oh, anticipation
tinged with anxiety.

But the unanswered question
remains -

will you meet anyone of like mind?

Or just the usual
wall-to-wall boofheads.

Indeed.

'Stormy Monday', in fact.

'Stormy Monday' - it's a blues song,

with lyrics to the effect of,

"You thought Monday was a shocker -
Tuesday's worse."

The basic idea being
that, by and large,

every day of the week
is worse than the one before it.

Simple, yet...surprisingly elegant.

Great, Sarge. I feel better already.

Hey, be thankful
you weren't the new boy in my day -

guided tour of the boys' toilets,

Vegemite smeared around
with gay abandon,

and the Lord only knows what
they might do to your play-lunch.

Count yourself lucky.

City boy!
City boy! City boy!

Dunnies! Dunnies! Dunnies!

OK, you don't actually
want to see this.

What follows contains
high-level antisocial behaviour

and Vegemite spread abuse.

So, in the meantime, here's
something else for you to look at

Go the Vegemite!
Where's the paintbrush?

Not the Vegemite!

Not the Vegemite!
Stop him kicking!

Stink!

The Vegemite's OK.
I can live with the Vegemite!

Gross!
Ew, you need a wash!

Toilet flush for youse!
Not the toilet!

Not the toilet!

What do you think you're doing?

Washing off
Australia's favourite spread.

Whoa! Stop! Are you mad?

No, just very, very sticky.

Take some advice
from someone who's been there.

Leave the spread where it is,
and wear the spread with pride.

What, turn the other cheek?
No!

Turn this into your advantage.

Take Vegemite smearing
where it's never been before.

Become the dude from the
'I'm so weird I'm scary' tribe.

Excuse me? Those jerks are my tribe!

They're surfers!

What happens when I meet
the panel van crowd?

OK. It's a high-risk strategy.

But what have you got to lose?

More guided tours
through the toilets?

What about you, Dad?

'Stormy Monday' -
how's it going so far?

New cop!
New cop! New cop!

Whoa! Take it easy, fellas!

And of course,
here we have the cells.

Ah, yes, cells.

Essential.

Empty, eh, Lisa?

We were flat-chat.

My goodness.

The stories these cells
could tell, eh, Snowy?

If these...four walls could speak.

Sorry, Sarge, I meant
to have got that scrubbed off.

Don't apologise, Snowy.

Some poor miscreant
in the pit of his despair

can raise himself to verse?

My God, I feel humbled.

"I never saw a man who looked
with such a wistful eye

"Upon that little tent of blue

"Which prisoners call the 'sky'

"And at every drifting cloud
that went with sails of silver by."

Oscar Wilde,
'Ballad of Reading Gaol'.

Do you know it, Lisa?

"I walked...with other souls in pain

"Within another ring

"And wondered if the man
had done a great or little thing

"When a voice behind me
whispered low

"That fellow's got to swing!'

"MY GOD!

"The very prison walls
suddenly seem to reel

"And the sky above my head
was like...

"..a casque of scorching steel."

What's your name, son?

Leonard.

You may call me 'Sir'.

Oh, thank you.

'Sir'.

Yes?

'Sir'. I said, 'Sir', right?

Oh, you see, that's where
I got confused.

Leonard...
Sir?

Ah! You understand!

Class, he understands.

What are you scratching
yourself for, Leonard?

Is that what you wanted to ask me?

'Sir'.

Sorry?

OUT! Outside!

Get out of my class
before I tear your head off

and use it as a blackboard duster!

Yes?

You mean, "Yes, SIR?"
I'm sure that's what you mean.

That's it. Yeah.

Are you a good
maths student, Leonard?

I have nightmares about it.

I think you'll be having a lot more.

Now, go AWAY!

You know how it is
when you look at a painting

and the eyes kind of follow you
around the room?

It was like that with Vicki Streeton.

And she looked really impressed
by my weirdo act;

which, in its own way, was,
well, kind of scary.

Which was weird,
seeing as how Egg said

I was supposed to be the scary one.

But I didn't wanna be scary.

I just wish we could've stayed
in the city with all my old friends,

in the same old street;

and I could have gone on being
the same old Lockie Leonard

everybody knew
and nobody much minded.

Instead of which,
I hardly knew myself anymore.

I felt like I was making myself up
as I went along...

..unlike Sarge,
who'd never been any different.

"And all men kill
the thing they love

"By all, let this be heard

"Some do it with a bitter look,
some with a flattering word

"The coward does it with a kiss

"The brave man with a sword..."

Right!

Let's go chase some bad guys.

Now, here's
an interesting fact for you -

Vegemite doesn't improve with age.

But Egg's strategy had merit.

People were starting to take notice.

This is great. You're winning,
but they can't work out why.

They find this confusing.
It makes their brains hurt.

You - come with us.

How do you like your food, city boy?
Well-done or toasted?

Charred, thanks.

Mmm.

Mmm... Mmm... Mmm...

Lockie...

From that point onward,
we pretty much had it covered.

Get that paintbrush out of
your pants, you dirty little snail!

Who is that scratching
and wriggling over there?

Boy! You got worms?

It's 'Lachlan', isn't it?

'Lockie'. Yes, miss?

'Ms'.

And, Lockie, as well as teaching the
intricacies of the English language,

I consider myself an expert
in personal hygiene,

and in my opinion,
you need to take a bath.

At a carwash.

Shut up! Just-just-just shut up!
Just keep it down!

Thank you, God.

So we'd survived the day,
but we still had to get home.

It's you, isn't it, Egghead?
You put him up to this.

Put him up to what?
You painted him with Vegemite.

You're the one
who's gonna lose some teeth.

Mate...

We've been looking for you two
for quite some time.

Come on.

Come on!

Whoa!

Now, we can do this the easy way...
or we can do it the hard way.

Spread 'em!

Now, you might scare
the big city cops,

but you're not gonna have your
evil reign of terror here in Angelus.

You! Go home! We'll talk later.

Not you!

Get in the van.
We'll finish this at the cells.

Alright, go on!

Nothin' to see here!

Yeah, well, I kicked a soft drink
machine at the mall last Thursday

and left a great big scuff mark.

Who cares? Who cares?

Then I stepped in some dog poo.
Deliberately!

So, how was your first day?

Sarge, there's a sheep in here.

That's Cyril.
You made yourself known?

Cyril? Who's Cyril?

I was forced to arrest him today.
Defacing public property.

Lawn and flowers mainly.
There was also a sprinkler involved.

I can't keep him
down at the station.

They're savages down there.
We'll have to keep him in the yard.

So, how was Stormy Monday?
Not bad.

Fat Tuesday tomorrow.

Followed by Big Wednesday.
Spring Thursday.

Then Freaky Friday.

Silly Saturday.

And then, at last, Surfin' Sunday.

What's that smell?

Urn.. .Cyril?

Oh, right.

When Surfin' Sunday
finally arrived,

that's just exactly
what I did - all day.

But what was city boy
thinking about now?

Not about revenge or Vegemite spread.

Not even Vicki Streeton's
perfect smile.

'Cause out here, I didn't need
to think about a thing.