All language subtitles for Good Neighbor Sam (1964) EN

(SNORING)

(ALARM RINGING)

Hi.
Hello.

You awake yet?

No,

but I will be
as soon as you
give me another kiss.

Sam, the kids'll be
pounding at the door
any minute,

and besides,
my mother is coming
to take them to camp.

Sam.

DENISE: Hello, Mommy.
Hello, Daddy.

Good morning, Mommy.

You're supposed to knock.
Go outside, girls,
close the door and knock.

(KNOCKING)

JENNA: Can we come in?

No.

Silly old Sam.
Come on, babies. Come on.

How are my babies?

You smell so good.
Their energy
is beyond belief.

Mom?
Give me
a big fat kiss.

Hello, Daddy.

Sam, I'll put
on the coffee.

Jenna, you wanna
help me with the knives
and forks and raisin bread?

Hooray for camp.

Good morning,
Mrs. Bissell.

What a beautiful day,
isn't it?

Morning,
Mrs. Bissell.

Hi.

Hey, good morning, Harry.
How are you?

Fine, fine.

(QUACKING)

Shut up, will you!

All right.
Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right,
be quiet, will you?

(QUACKING CONTINUES)

Sam! Sam!

Sam! Hey, Sam,
you awake in there?

For heaven's... Yeah.

Sam?

What?

Hiya. Morning, Sam.

Hey, I just
returned your lawnmower.

Thanks a lot.
And your duck.

That thing
got loose again.
You know what happened?

This duck got stuck
in our breakfast nook

with no one to
talk to but my wife.

(QUACKS)

I know exactly
how it feels, baby.

The same thing
happened to me once.

Hey, Sam,
about your lawnmower.

Very much appreciate it
if you'd get your
cutter blade sharpened

by next weekend, okay, pal?

You need a ride downtown?

Min is gonna
take me down.
Thanks, Earl.

All right.
Well, see you at
the office later, pal.

MIN: And don't go
without your
shoes and stockings.

It may get cold.
Well, she's done it
again, Jenna.

Listen, honey,
this is about the
fifth time I've told you.

When you let Gretchen
out in the morning
to play with her,

put her back in the pen.
Now, not again.

It won't happen again.

Sweetie, I didn't have
time to fix your eggs.

I will as soon as I get
this stuff packed.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Denise, let your
grandmother in, honey.

Okay.

That's a lot of stuff
for those two kids
to be taking to camp.

I know,
but they need clothes.
DENISE: Hello, Grandma.

And they gotta
have all their toys.

EDNA: Hello.
Hi, Mother.

Hi, Min. My goodness,
they're taking
all that to camp?

Hello, Sam.
Edna.

Not dressed yet?

Hi, Mother.
Gee, it's sweet of you
to take the kids to camp.

I've gotta go to
the airport to pick up...

JENNA: Hello, Grandma.

Hello.

What were you saying?
I've gotta go
to the airport

to pick up this old
school chum of mine,
Janet Lagerlof.

She's coming in from
Europe this morning.

How's Sam
getting to work?

Well, I'm gonna
take him to the office.

He can ride home
with Earl.

Here's some coffee.

Come on, babies,
eat your cereal.

Drink all your juice
or you're not
going to camp.

Sam's made
another one, huh?

For the life of me,
I can't understand

why Sam builds
these silly things.

He enjoys it, Mother.
That's reason enough.

Sam's building a big
mobile out in the patio.

Where the neighbors
can see it?

For heaven's sake.

You like it?

Like it?
What the hell is it?

It's free-form sculpture,
like my others.

Only this is
a masterpiece.

And when we have guests,
they can sit in
the living room

and watch it move
from there.

You want me to
turn it on for you?

No, thank you.

Isn't that Jenna's old
bicycle frame in there?

Well, yeah.

And there's part of
Min's sewing machine.

Yeah, well, you see,
you're supposed

to enjoy this as
a total entity.

You're not supposed
to try and pick out
individual parts.

That's not the idea.
I see.

See, the idea of
found-object sculpture

is to find
beauty and enjoyment

out of an arrangement
of ordinary,
everyday objects.

Sam, dear,
if fooling with junk
makes you happy,

then I say do it,
no matter what
anyone says.

Thank you.

Mother, you haven't
finished your coffee.

Thank you, darling.
We were just discussing
Sam's junkyard.

Isn't it wonderful?

Sam is so clever
with his hands.

I just love it.
Sam, it's a real
work of art.

I don't know
a thing about art.

I just know
what I don't like.

She didn't mean it.
Mother, why do you
say those things?

Will you help me
get the kids ready?

(QUACKING)

Who asked you?
MIN: Sam!

Honey, it's time to
kiss them goodbye.

They're ready.

MIN: Jenna,
that's not nice.
Goodbye, kids.

There, honey,
you look fine.
Give me a kiss.

You look real sweet.
Be a good girl there.

Bye-bye, darling.
Goodbye, honey.

Okay, in you get.
EDNA: Goodbye, Sam.

Be good girls, now.
Be careful, now.

Do everything
the counselors tell you.
We will.

And have fun 'cause
it costs a fortune.
Don't lose your dolly.

Watch your leg.
Okay. Goodbye, Edna.

Drive slowly,
will you, please?
Bye-bye.

Bye.
Bye.

I tell you,
there's nothing like

a good
old-fashioned grandmother

for the kids
to remember.

Now, come on, dear.
I gotta get dressed.
You gotta get dressed.

I'm late for work.

I can't tell you
how excited I am
about seeing Janet again.

It's been I don't
know how many years
since I've seen her.

She has
a marvelous accent, Sam.

She was raised in Europe
and came over
here for college.

That's how we met.

Sam, would you mind
if I brought her
home for dinner tonight?

Sam?
Hmm?

Sam, have you heard
anything I've been saying?

Do you realize
that I've been in
the same traffic jam,

going to the same job
every day for six years,

and so have they?

Every day,
all the husbands,
we get up

and we take the same road
into the same job.

We even dress alike.
We put on
the gray suit and the hat

and that button-down shirt
and the tie and the...
It's like sheep.

Sam, that's not true.

You're not like
anybody else.
And you're not a sheep.

You've got character.
And I love you.

I wonder what's
holding them up?

(BLEATING)

Sam, did you
say something?

Here we go.

Well, I'm off to
the airport, honey.
See you tonight.

Yeah, goodbye, dear.

Sam, are you depressed
about something?

No, I'm just bored,
I guess, going to work.

You know, it's the same job
and the same people,
the same faces

and the same
community pigpen
for an office,

doing the same
stupid layouts

for the same
stupid ads, and the...

Sam, we do have
two beautiful children,

and we have to
make a home for them.

I know that.
It's just one of those days
and don't worry about it

'cause I'm gonna be
all right. Goodbye.

Goodbye.
Is Earl gonna
drive you home?

Yeah. Goodbye, dear.

Morning, Min.
Hi, Earl.

Hi.
Hi, Sam.

Have a good day, honey.

Bye, dear.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, Phil,
what's in the papers?

Help yourself.

Obviously, we weren't
watching the same show.

Come on, now.
Let's not be
foolish about it.

Let's go.

Morning, boys.

Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning, Sonny.
Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning, Larry.
Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning, Earl.
Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning, Phil.
Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning.

Name?

Bissell.
Art Department.

Morning, Bissell.

Good morning, Mr. Burke.

Larry, I looked at
that draft last night.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Good morning,
Mr. Burke.
Good morning, Marsha.

Morning, Marsha.
Good morning,
everybody.

Morning,
Mr. Blatchford.
Morning.

Morning, Mr. Boling.
Good morning, Sam.

Boys, boys.
Just one moment, please.

Now, let's all stay
on the ball today,
shall we?

Now, Mr. Nurdlinger
is coming in

for a look-see at
our billboard campaign,

as you know.
ALL: Yes.

Now what we want to do is
to edge him in with
the billboard campaign,

and then later,
we'll slip him into
some nice TV spots,

like our Hertz "man in
the driver's seat"
commercials.

All right, let's
give him a good
show today, shall we?

We're ready
for him, sir.

The red carpet
all the way, Mr. Burke.
No problems, Chief.

Thank you, boys.
Thank you. Good morning.

Good morning, Gloria.
Good morning, Mr. Burke.

Good morning, girls.

Morning,
Mr. Bissell.

Good morning.
Good morning.

(ALL CHATTERING)

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
All right, fellows,
we're going for a take.

Now settle down.

Freeze off back there,
please.

No walking around.

Close that big
door over there,
will you, please?

DIRECTOR: Dave,
you ready up there?

You ready, Bob?

Okay, roll it, please.

Roll it, Jim.

Here you go, Stu.

DIRECTOR: And action.

Here we go.
Two bars for nothing.

One, two, one, two, three.

♪ Let Hertz put you
in the driver's seat

♪ Let Hertz take you
anywhere at all

♪ By the hour, by the day
By the week or any way

♪ Just let Hertz put you
in the driver's seat ♪

Let Hertz put you...

DIRECTOR: No! Cut!

What are you doing
up there, you bum?

Listen, boss,
this is the best I can do.

I can't do any
better than that.

DIRECTOR: Put him
in the driver's seat.

That's the first one
I've dropped all year.

Dave, I'm very sorry.
Next time...

(MEN SHOUTING)

MAN 1: Testing,
one, two, three.

MAN 2: Okay, how are
those wires up there?

I'm sorry I'm late,
Mr. Verneer.

Vernier.

Vernier, yeah.
Kids, camp...

Hi, Sam.
Hi.

Hello, Sam.
Hi, guys.

(CAROUSEL MUSIC PLAYING)

Now just imagine,
if you will,
Mr. Nurdlinger,

those signs blown up
on your billboards
20 times over,

and look how
effective they are
with the lights on them.

Sonny, I'd like to
congratulate you

on the artwork.
It was brilliant.

It grabs me,
if I'm any judge.

Darn good
commercial empathy there.

Thank you.
I felt it was simple

and punched across
our point.

"For the masculine
way of life,
Nurdlinger eggs."

You know, what it has?
It's got just
the right curve.

We imply it without
actually hitting them
over the head with it.

You see, Mr. Nurdlinger,
what we're gearing up to here

is to touch
that psychological
nerve in all men,

the symbol of
masculinity and
fertility, the egg!

You know, Harve,
I like it.

Well thought out.

Hey, I don't know
about you fellows,

but after seeing this,
I'm gonna have
eggs for lunch.

He's going to
have eggs for lunch.

That's rich, Phil.
That's rich.

Well, sir,
what do you think?

Mmm-hmm.

You want to
know what I think?

Yes.

I think it's an abomination.

Pure filth.
I'm not a prudish man, sir,

but I believe that
the Almighty gave us

good, clean,
married, conjugal love

for the purpose
of raising families,

not to sell eggs with dirty,
salacious ads!

Unchastity, venery,
wenching and fleshly lust.

Is that the image
that you have
of my company?

Certainly not...
Look at that bustline!

Harlots and popinjays
to sell eggs?

I tell you what
I think of you.

I think you're all
rotten to the core,

and I think I've chosen
the wrong advertising agency.

Just a minute,
Mr. Nurdlinger!

We are all good,
clean, family men here.

Now don't try
to fool me, sir.

I'm an old man
but I'm nobody's fool, sir.

Good clean-living
family men.

Miss Halverson.

I've run checks on you
clean-living family men.

There are dossiers
on each of you.

Mr. Blatchford, Mr. Reisner,
Mr. Trilling, Mr. Burke.

Mr. Boling,
the Nurdlinger
account executive.

Little trips to Oakland
twice a week, eh, Mr. Boling?

Young secretary named...
Now, see here...

It's all here.
All of you just as bad,

libertinism and liquor,
impurity and wantonness.

Well, no, thank you, sir.

We're good, clean, family men
at Nurdlinger Farms,

and I won't have our
company represented

by bawds and
lechers and libertines.

Come along.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Mr. Nurdlinger,
we are quite flexible.

Now that we have
the true picture...

That was just one of
a dozen good ideas.

EARL: We could animate
some eggs, Mr. Nurdlinger.

Mr. Nurdlinger,
we're very flexible.

Please, sir,
give us another chance

now that we've got
the true picture.

I don't want
that dirty man on
my advertising account.

Mr. Nurdlinger,
you can have
anyone you want.

We have a whole
office full of good,

upright, clean-living
family men, sir.

You wouldn't recognize
a clean-living
family man if you saw one.

We're very flexible.

Mr. Nurdlinger,
give us another
crack at it.

Mr. Nurdlinger,
we are nothing if
not facile here.

Mister... Mister...
Mister... Mister...

Just one more chance.

I am not going to
take this lying down.

There is a $600,000
account at stake.

Now, please,
come up with somebody.

There must be
someone in this whole,
vast organization

who can pass moral muster.

A good husband,
a good neighbor,

a normal,
everyday family man.

Yes, what is it,
Bissell?

(CLEARING THROAT) Mr. Verneer,
I've come to a decision.

Vernier.

Mr. Vernier,
I've come to a decision.

I will have
been here six years
as of next week.

I've been pretty patient
about waiting
for a promotion.

I just feel I'm not
getting anywhere
with my career.

Take it up
with personnel.

Well, I've made my mind up.

I wanna talk
to Mr. Burke.

You must be sick,
Bissell.

Nobody talks directly
to Mr. Burke
about a promotion.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Hello. Oh, yes.
Yes, sir. Who?

GLORIA:
Mr. Bissell is here, sir.

Send him right in, Gloria.

What's his first name?

Sam.
Sam.

Hello, Sam.
Hi, pal.

How are you, boy?
How's the family, Sam?

We're fine, sir.

Sam, I've just been
telling old Harve,

Mr. Burke,
all about you and Min
and the kids and the ducks

and those crazy things,
you know, you build.

Junk sculpture.
It's sort of
a hobby of mine.

Better than some of
the hobbies I could
mention around here.

Sam,
won't you sit down?

Sit down, Sam.
Thank you, sir.

Now, let's talk
a little cold turkey.

Sam, what we have
here at Burke & Hare,

is nothing if
not a completely

democratic type
of organization.

You see, we like
to help young people
do bigger things.

So, I said
to the fellows,

"Fellows, let's look around
for a young, energetic,

"clean-living, family-type,

"nice fellow to head up
the Nurdlinger
Dairy accounts."

And, Sam, I'll bet you
a dollar to a donut

you can't guess
who we came up with.

Who?

Mr. Nurdlinger?
This is Sam Bissell.

How do you do,
Mr. Bissell?
How do you do, sir?

Show Mr. Nurdlinger
those snapshots of
your children, Sam.

Yeah.

That's Denise and
there's Jenna. Our duck.

You keep ducks?

Yes,
he loves animals.

Dogs, cats, ducks,
you name it.

His whole life revolves
around his family
and that duck.

Now don't try
and pull anything
over on me, sir.

I'll have him
investigated, too.

This is the
genuine article,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

A good husband,
good neighbor,

a clean-living family man
if you ever met one.

Well, come along,
Bissell.

We'll give you
the indoctrination tour.

Go ahead, Sam.

Takes about five minutes
to milk the average cow.

Milk flows through
those stainless
steel tubes

into the holding tanks,
then it's pasteurized
and bottled

without human hands
touching it.

Now, that's the image
we want to convey.

A responsible firm
dealing in a wholesome,
superior product.

I don't pretend
to know anything
about advertising,

but what I can do
is to give you
a true picture

of what our company
stands for.

We're plain,
everyday people

dealing in
a plain, clean,
everyday product.

We deal in chickens,
eggs and milk.

Simplicity, purity, truth.

Perhaps, Mr. Bissell,
just a plain white
billboard,

and across it in
plain gold letters,

"Nurdlinger's eggs
have bigger yolks."

Simplicity.

And in the upper
left hand corner,
a picture of me.

Truth!
What do you think of it?

It's something to
put in the forge and
maw on a little, I'd say.

I like it.
LARRY: So do I.

SONNY: I do, too.

All right, Mr. Bissell,
what do you think
of the idea?

Frankly, sir,
I don't like it at all.

What are we
talking about here?

We're talking about milk,
correct?

The simplest and
most basic of foods.

I think advertising should be
just as simple and basic

as the product that
you're trying to sell.

I think we
ought to strip away

the sham and pretension
from advertising.

Who buys your products,

your eggs and your
milk and chickens,
Mr. Nurdlinger?

Why, people.

Exactly. People,
just human beings.

Ordinary, plain people.

I think we ought to,
maybe have candid
shots of people,

and real people,
not actors or models,

and put them up
on the billboard.

And the copy
should simply read,

"Mr. and Mrs.
Godfrey Hotchkiss"

or whatever
their name might be,

"say Nurdlinger
products are better."
And that's all. Period.

Order up
the billboards, Burke.

I buy it 100%.

In the face of such
honesty and truth,
I feel somewhat diminished.

Beautiful conception.

Clean and true. Genius!

This may start
a whole new trend
in advertising.

You're my man.

MAN ON PA: Trans World
Airlines Starstream

flight 871 Royal
Ambassador service...

Jan! Oh, my gosh,
I can't believe it.

How are you?
I'm so happy to see you.

You look wonderful.
You're wonderful yourself.

Mink. Is that real?
Yes.

Where'd you
get that suit?
It's marvelous.

I picked it up in
Paris on the way over.
In Paris?

Have you been
living in Paris?

Yes. Well,
I'll tell you
all about it.

Let's get my luggage
and let's have a lunch.

Marvelous.
Such a good idea.

Listen,
you haven't met Sam.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Gosh, I am so
envious of you,
living all over the world.

What a life you lead.
Do you realize?

No complaints.
I adore my life.

Remember when
I always said in school,

"There's some girls
born to be single."

Well, I'm one of them.
I just love being free.

Not that marriage
isn't good for other girls.

It obviously
agrees with you, Min.

You know,
I expected you to look

all married and plump
and I don't know.

You're divine.

I felt so bad
when I heard

about you and Howard
getting a divorce.

I don't know,
somehow I expected
you to look different.

What? With dark circles
under my tearstained eyes?

Something like that, yeah.

I'll tell you
something, Min,

every girl should be
married to Howard Ebbets
at least once.

It is like hitting
your head against a wall.

It feels so good
when it stops.

Leaving him was
the most wonderful thing
ever happened to me.

It absolutely
restored my faith
in divorce.

But looking at you,
all so happy

and shining and...
I don't know.

Wait till you meet Sam.
You'll understand.

Thanks, Earl.
EARL: Yeah.

Hey, I wish I could
see Min's face
when you tell her.

Thanks again.
Hey, remember,
think milk.

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

All right.

Hey, honey,
guess what?

Where are you? Min?

Dear!

Min! Dear!
These are for you.

Don't think I'm crazy.

We're gonna celebrate.
The most wonderful
thing happened today.

It's amazing.
I went into the office,

you know,
and I was gonna ask for a...

You must be Sam.

I'm Min's friend, Janet.
Janet Lagerlof.

How do you do,
Mrs. Lagerlof?
How do you do?

I mean, Lagerlof is
only my maiden name.

Till my divorce is final,
I am still
Mrs. Howard Ebbets.

How do you do,
Mrs. Ebbets?

How do you do?

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Well, look,
I don't wanna
disturb your shower.

Can I get you anything? Soap?

No, no. Thank you.
I have everything.

Washcloth?
Well, make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

Min. It's terrible.

Hi, honey.
I didn't know
you were home.

Never been more
embarrassed in my life.

Just made
a fool out of myself

with your friend Janet
in the shower there.

In the shower?
In the shower.

What the heck is
she doing here anyway?

Well, now, Sam,
I invited her.

Now don't be like that.
I want her to meet you.

Well, it's kind of...
She's my guest.

Jan, Jan, I guess
there's really no point
in introducing you two.

No.
But, Jan, this is
my husband, Sam.

Sam, this is Janet.

We've met.
Yes.

I'm very sorry
about that.

Don't be.
I think it's divine.

Tell me, does he
come home every evening
with roses?

For me?
No. Yeah.

Well, it's a
special occasion.
Why?

You see, I've been trying
to tell somebody this
ever since I got home.

Dear, you're looking
at the new
account executive

for the Nurdlinger
Dairy account.

Me, today.
Sam.

Yeah.
I don't believe it.

That's...
Wait. I got some
champagne to celebrate.

But I don't know
what it is,
an account executive?

It's a very
important job.

He has charge of
all the advertising
from his company.

Honey,
when did you find out?

I was going up
to the office
to ask for a raise,

and before
I could say anything,

Mr. Burke just
gave me the job.

I guess, I don't know.
Nurdlinger is
a very strange old guy,

and I guess he just
kind of likes me.

Does Earl know?
Does he know?

He almost hit
five phone poles
on the way home.

He wanted to see
your eyes when I told you,
he said.

Cheers.
Cheers.

To my wonderful friends,
their love, their home
and your new job.

Congratulations,
honey.

Thanks, dear.

Mmm.

Good. Hey, I have
a marvelous idea.
Why don't we celebrate

and go out to
dinner tonight?
Yes.

Yeah, fine. Go ahead.
You two get dressed

and then I'll
shave afterwards.
Yes. Okay.

You can use
the shower now, Min.

That's marvelous.

(WHISTLING)

Min, I'll keep
Sam company.

Sam. Sam, where are you?

SAM: Out here.
Oh.

(GASPS)

Oh, Sam!

Huh? You like it?

Oh, it's marvelous.

It's wonderful.
It's so imaginative.

And that, and that!

Sam, you know,
it's almost like
Jean Tinguely in Paris.

Do you know him?
Well, thank you.

You're a genius.
Absolutely genius.

Creative junkie
is what I am.

Junkie? It's not junk.
It's beautiful.
Thank you.

You wanna see
how it works?
Yes.

Well, you wait
a minute while
I tighten this up.

I'll give you a preview.

Oh, Sam,
you and Minnie
are so sweet.

I'm so happy
that we're going
to be neighbors.

What neighbors?
What do you mean neighbors?

You don't know it?
What?

She didn't tell you?
No.

I rented the house
this afternoon.

What, the Goodsen place?

Yes.
Well, I'll be.

I'm staying in
San Francisco for a while,
and I'm sick from hotels,

and Min and I,
we had two bottles of wine,
and it seemed a good idea.

Now it's even
a better one.

Well, I think it's
a great idea.

We've got two things
to celebrate now,

my new account
and our new neighbor.

Yes. My new neighbors.

Thank you.
Now, you ready?

Yes.

Cross your fingers.

(JANET LAUGHING)

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Beautiful.

Sam, it's beautiful.

Sam!

(CAWING)

(CHIMING)

(CLANGING)

(WHISTLING)

Wonderful.

Life is wonderful.

To you.

(EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I think we should
go out more often.

More wine, sir?
More wine?

Yeah, good thinking.

MIN: Say, I have
a wonderful idea.

Yeah?

Why doesn't Jan
spend the night with us?

That way she'll be
there in the morning
when the moving vans arrive.

Very good thinking.
And listen, Jan,
if you need any furniture,

I've got amazing stuff
in the back of my...

Jan has loads of furniture
from her grandfather.

Yes, he died
two weeks ago, Sam,

and I'm the closest
living relative,

so I inherited
a whole gloomy mansion

full of furniture
and heaven knows what else.

That's why I came
to San Francisco,
to settle up his estate.

Do you think
he left you any money?

No. I'll know it
tomorrow.

The lawyers are
coming over to talk.

Listen, we are not here
to talk about lawyers.

Let's speak about
our account executive.

Oui. Hey, you know,
I'm having fun.

Hey, waiter?
WAITER: Yes, sir?

Could we have one
more bottle, please?
Certainly.

Sam, don't you think
maybe we'd
better have dinner?

Yeah,
one more round, dear.
Okay.

Right.
Cheers.

Cheers.
Cheers.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

So I told Mr. Nurdlinger,
I said "Nurdlie..."

No, I said,
"I'm a plain, simple,
clean-loving family man,

"and I love my
little old wife,

"and I love my
little old kids,

"and I love my
little old ducks,

"and I love my
little old neighbors,

(IN MOCK FRENCH ACCENT)
"and I love my
little new neighbor, too."

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, I told him.
I just said,
"Mr. Nurdlinger,

"the simplest and most basic
thing in the world is cham...

"Is milk."

You know,
just good clean-living,
wholesome American milk.

Sam,
I'm just starving.

Let's order
dinner, no?
Ooh!

What a wonderful
thing it would be if
the young people of today

could benefit
from my example, huh?
Of clean-living.

I'm gonna find young people
and talk to them
about clean-living

and how rewarding
that can be, boy.

Sam!
SAM: It's the least
I can do, dear.

(LAUGHING) Jan, we gotta
get him out of here.

Excuse me. I'd like to
say a few words
about clean-living.

When I was
your age I...
Excuse us.

Bissell philosophy...

Wait, dear,
I want to speak.
Come on, sweetie.

They're very
nice people.

Don't be afraid of
being just plain,
clean-living family.

I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of
every last one of you.

And I say to you...

Sam, did you
give me the keys?

I'll tell you one thing,
I'm having
a great deal of fun,

and whoever said that clean
and wholesome living
couldn't be very...

I don't have a pocket.

Are you sure
I didn't give
them to you?

Would everybody
here from Ohio
please raise their hand?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Sam.

Sam.
In front of
all these people.

The keys.

Here, thank you.

Where did we park?

We were parking...
We came in here.
No, that's wrong.

Sam!

Are you all right?
Are you all right, Sam?

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I'm terribly...
Are you all right?

Don't be upset.
I just fell out of bed.

Just a plain, everyday,
clean-living family man.
Oh, my dear.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(STAMMERING)

(MUTTERING)

SAM: Oh!

Hey, kid...

Please, will you put
this on the... Thank you.

Min?
Morning, Sam.

Min. Hi.

It was
a wonderful evening.

Yeah. Is Min around?

Hi, sweetie.
How do you feel?

What happened?

Well, a certain
clean-living family man

rolled all the way
down the main staircase

in the Fairmont Hotel
last night.

It caused quite
a commotion.

Oh, no.
Yes.

It's true.
Janet!

Hello, darling.
Sam, please.

Hello, Mel,
how are you?

Hello.
Nice to see you.

My associates,
Mr. Wyeth.
Hello.

How are you?
Mr. Hausner.

How are you?
My neighbors,
Mr. Bissell, Mrs. Bissell,

my grandfather's
lawyer, Mr. Mellner.

Pardon me,
coming through, please.
SAM: How do you do?

My, but this is
a busy place.

We came here
to talk, Janet.

It's a mess.

Why don't we
come over to
my house, Jan?

It's nice and quiet.
I'll put on some coffee.

Fine.
Right this way.

Wait,
I'll put this...

The stock
and bond portfolios

and the Lagerlof Brewery
in Seattle

bring the total
considerably higher.

And with the Oakland Brewery
and the corporate
holdings in Fresno, the...

Where is that
packet, Wyeth?

Right here, sir.
There you are.

Thank you.

The estate comes
to something

in the neighborhood
of $15 million.

Janet!
$15 million!

You're a millionairess!

(STAMMERING) You're the only
millionaire I've ever known.

I don't believe it.
Are you sure?

Grandfather lived
so simply in that
gloomy little house.

Your grandfather
was a very
conservative gentleman

who didn't believe
in extravagance.

As a matter of fact,
you are the closest
blood relative.

There are,
of course, your cousins,
Irene Krupp and Jack Bailey,

who, incidentally,
have already

been to see me
inquiring about the will.

But I don't think
there's any problem there,

provided you effect
a reconciliation

with Howard as
soon as possible.

Provided I what?

There's a codicil in
your grandfather's will
which stipulates

that in order to
qualify for
the inheritance,

your marriage must be
sound and effective.

Therefore,
it's simply a matter
of locating your husband...

My ex-husband.

...and effecting
a reconciliation.

Never.
Not for any amount of money.

As I remember, Janet,
you were divorced
six months ago.

Under California law,
it won't be final
for another six months.

I believe we can
safely take the position
that you are still married.

What do you think,
gentlemen?
Well, legally...

They're not
living together...

Not exactly a legitimate
marriage this way...

But I suppose
one could say
they were married.

In effect.
In effect.

Let's file with the
Probate Commissioner then.

According to law,
Janet is still
legally married.

Unless someone points out

that her husband
doesn't actually happen
to be living with her.

But, sir,
excuse me,
if somebody

does find out
they aren't
living together,

they could
contest the will.

Who would do
a thing like that?

With $15 million
at stake, my dear,

relatives come
out of the woodwork,
you'll find.

You mean
Irene and Jack?

Exactly.

How could they possibly know
Howard and I were divorced?

Well, there are such things
as private investigators,
you know.

Well, let's not
anticipate trouble.

If no one brings up
the question of Howard,
things should go smoothly.

The money is
legally yours, my dear,

and I'm going
to do my best
to see that you get it.

Nice to have
met you, Mrs. Bissell.

It was nice to
have met you, sir.
Goodbye, Mr. Bissell.

Come, darling.
Don't you worry
one little bit, now.

Everything is going
to work out all right.

It's $15 million.

$15 million?

$15 million.

$15 million!
$15 million!

(SCREAMING)

Jan!

What does anybody do
with all that money?

Listen, I can't think
about the money now.

I have to get
that house settled.

Look at that mess.

Well, Jan's right.
We gotta help this house
get pulled together.

I'm gonna run and
get some coffee.

You guys
get started, okay?

This, please,
in the bedroom.
Thank you.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Janet.

It's nice
to see you again.

Cousin Irene,
cousin Jack,
what a surprise.

I hope we're
not intruding.

No, no, not at all.

You have all of
Uncle Otto's furniture.

I'm so glad you got it,
dear, one of his
favorite relatives.

Ah!

And his pet chair.

I remember seeing
him sitting in it
just before he died.

Now, now, my dear,
don't upset yourself.

May I sit down?

Yes, of course.
Please, please sit down.

Where?
I'm sorry about this.

Yes, right here
over here.

You know, I think
I took the wrong
turn off the bridge.

Yes, it is
difficult to find.

I went to the left
instead of the right.

I hope we're
not intruding.

No, no, no.
Please be comfortable.
Sit down, please.

We just dropped by to
pay our condolences.

Sad about Uncle Otto.

Loved the old man
just like he
was my own father.

Sweet, dear old gentleman.

We hoped Howard
was around.

Never had the pleasure
of meeting him, you know.

And, yeah, Howard, yes.
Well, unfortunately...

Hey, Janet.
Yes?

Listen, where do you
want me to put
these towels?

Darling, come here,
please, one moment.

You've never met
my cousins, have you?

No.

Irene Krupp, Jack Bailey,
my husband, Howard.

These are the relatives
we were speaking about,
remember, darling?

By golly, Howard,
it's good to meet you
after all these years.

Well, Howard, dear.

So you're the lucky man
who got Janet?

Please, sit down. Sit down.
I'm sorry about all
this mess, but you know,

we just moved in
this morning,
didn't we, dear?

We just moved
in this morning,
didn't we, dear?

We understand.

It'll be lovely some day.

I guess there are people
who like these
modern contemporary...

Well, of course,
we don't really
care where we are

just as long as we're
together. Right, dear?

Yes, right.
As long as we are together,
nothing else matters.

Oh, Min. Min, darling,
thank you very much.

These are the relatives
we were speaking about,
remember?

My darling
next-door neighbor,
Minerva Bissell,

Jack, Irene Krupp,
Jack Bailey.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Now, Howard and I,
we were just saying,

we'd be happy
wherever we are as long
as we are together.

Howard and you.

Yes, isn't that
right, dear?

Yes, indeed. Of course,
we're very fortunate
living next door to you

and your wonderful,
wonderful husband,
Mrs. Bissell.

Aren't you sweet?

Oh, no,
I'm very serious.

He is just one of
the fine men, is all he is.

Just a prince of the Earth,
that man.

Isn't that right,
Mrs. Bissell?

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.

That's sweet of you,
dear, but we really
must be going.

We just dropped by
to extend our
sympathies.

I'm afraid we were
a little early.

No.

I hope I can get
the right turn
this time.

Say, where is Sam?

I met two...

Yes.
You know,
25 years ago,

there wasn't
anything like
the population

in this county
that there is now.

It must be very
inconvenient for you,
living way out here.

Are you sure nobody
wants some coffee?

No, thank you.
Goodbye, Mrs. Bissell.

So nice to have
met you, dear.

I just live over here.

Goodbye.

Say hi to Sam.

Well, goodbye, dear.

I'm glad to see
that you're so happy.
Goodbye.

Bye, Irene.
See you soon.

Howard,
glad to have met you.

Thank you, sir.

Goodbye, Howard.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

Nice to have...
JACK: Goodbye.

That was the craziest thing
I've ever been through.

Sam, you were brilliant.
Just brilliant.

And by the way,
thank you.

That's all right.
I think they know

about that will.
That's why they came here.

Well, of course,
I saw it immediately
when they came in.

(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah.

I think we
fooled them, though.
We were great.

Matter of fact,
I think we were
both pretty good.

We were great. Yes?

Hi, it's me.

Min. Hi.
It's Min.

You two were marvelous,
but I think we're
still in trouble.

They're still out there,
just sitting in the car.

Oh.

Sam, look if they
are still out there.

Hey, you're right.
I gotta get to work.
What am I gonna do?

What did he say?

He has to get to work
and he's still
in his pajamas.

Well, he'll have to
leave from your place.

Come on over and
I'll put his clothes
in a bag or something.

All right, good idea.

Sam. Sam, Min has
the best idea.

I go in your house
and I come back
with your clothes.

Don't worry.

Yeah, well...
Bring my...

Sam? Min suggested
I drive you to work

so it will look
legitimate, you know?

Yeah.

What time do you
have to be there?

Holy smoke, now.

First day as
an account executive
and I'm late already.

Don't panic.
I'll get you there.

I'll drive the car
out of...

No socks.
They forgot my socks.

You forgot... You...

I haven't even shaved.

(SHUSHING) They're
across the street.

Keep your voice
down and smile.

Follow them.
Why?

I can give you
15 million reasons why.

Now hurry up
and follow them.

Sam, please put that
in the back.

Uh...

What?
Don't look around,

but just glance
into the rear-vision.

Is that the same car?

They followed us.

Good morning.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.

Morning.

You remember
all the boys, sir.

Morning.
Mr. Nurdlinger,

this is
Richard Taragon,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

He's the best
photographer
in the business.

How are you?

He's gonna take some
really fantastic pictures
for your billboards.

I don't want
fantastic pictures.

I want normal pictures
of normal everyday people,

just like Bissell said.

You better
check with Bissell.

He's got his finger
on the pulse
of this thing.

Don't worry,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

Oh, there's our
fair-haired boy now,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

Say, they parked
right behind us.

Maybe we better keep
the act going a little.

Bye, darling.

Is that a charming
picture of domesticity.

I'm sorry about
all this, Sam.

Well, it can't be helped.

BURKE: Morning, Sam.

Sam, would you
come over here
a moment, please?

Mr. Nurdlinger wants
to meet Mrs. Bissell.

Oh, yeah, Mrs. Bissell.

What?
Who is he?

(STAMMERING) It's
my boss and the client.

How am I gonna
explain this?

Well, it's
perfectly simple.

Just tell them the truth.

Say I'm your
next-door neighbor. Hello.

Hello.

Good, clean-living,
family-type men
don't go around

making love to their
next-door neighbors
on the street corners.

Good morning,
you beautiful,
beautiful people.

Morning, sir.
Good morning.

I don't believe
I've had the pleasure,
my dear.

This... Mr. Burke,
I'd like you to meet my...

Mrs. Bissell,
I am charmed.

Allow me to help you.

Careful with your skirt.

You know, your Sam
is a big favorite
with us around here.

I want you to come
and meet Mr. Nurdlinger.

I'd love to.
He's our
toughest client.

Sam's the only one
who can handle him.

Really?

Let's try and shave
a little closer, Sam.

Wanna look neat,
you know.

Mrs. Bissell,
may I present
Mr. Nurdlinger?

Good morning,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

Good morning, madam.

I'm delighted
to meet you.
Morning, Sam.

Morning, sir.

Sonny. Fellas.
MEN: Morning, Sam.

Morning, Sam.

I wonder if you'd
give us the pleasure

of having dinner
with Mrs. Nurdlinger
and me tonight.

I know she'd like
to meet you both.

Well, I'll have to
call my wife at home

to see if she made
any other plans.

Call home?
What are you
talking about?

We'd love to go
to your house
for having dinner,

wouldn't we, Sam?

Oh, boy.

About 8:00, then.

And, Sam,
we always dress
for dinner.

Black tie.

Delighted to
have met you.

Such a great
pleasure to know you.

The pleasure
was mine. Goodbye.

Goodbye.
Bye.

Now, remember.
Normal pictures.

Right.

Everyday people.
Good.

Goodbye, Mr. Nurdlinger.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

This thing is getting
a little out of hand.

Don't you think...
Goodbye, my darling.

(WHISTLING)

Goodbye, gentlemen.
Pleasure meeting you.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye, darling.

Lucky boy, Sam.

Morning, Mr. Burke.
Hi, fellas.

Would you mind
telling me who
that chick was?

Frightfully artistic...

I'll do the same
kind of thing
I did before.

BURKE: Excellent, excellent.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Why don't you just
leave that to me, sir?

MAN 1: What do you think
about black and white
or color?

MAN 2: I say black and white.

Who the hell was that chick
you were kissing out there?

(SHUSHING)

What we need is a normal,
clean...

Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning, Mr. Boling.
Morning, Mr. Boling.

Sam, you can tell me,
will you? Hi.

Later.

What do you mean, later?
Sam.

What is...

Good morning,
Mr. Bissell.

Good morning,
Mr. Trilling.

It's very simple
to explain,
but not here, please.

Hello.

What is all the secrecy?

(SHUSHING) I got myself
in a bit of a jam.

Yeah, I bet you did.

Look, it's Min's
best friend.

Min's best friend?
Yes.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Hey, fellas, will you
stop talking back there!

Quiet down!

Will you roll it, Jim?
Thank you. Here we go.

All right,
we'll take it
from the pickups

of bar nine this time.
Got it?

Here we go.
One, two, a one, two...

♪ By the hour, by the day
By the week or any way

♪ Just let Hertz put you
in the driver's seat ♪

Let Hertz put you
in the driver's seat.

No, no, no, no!

No!

Cut it, will you?
Cut it!

You're not
getting the idea at all.

"In the driver's seat,"
you idiot!

How many times do I
have to rehearse this?

He's been doing
that all of...

Look. Will you start
from the beginning?

It's Min's best friend
and she knows all about it.

Sam, my boy!
What are you
doing in here?

Come on,
have we got something

to show you,
the fellas and me.

Come along, Sam.

Come on, come on.
Out here, Sam.

Girls, girls.

Now, Sam, don't let
this go to your head,

but this is just
our way of saying
thank you

for delivering to us
Mr. Nurdlinger.

There you are, Sam.

Lots of luck, Sam.

Take it away, Sam, baby.
It's all yours.

Good luck, Sam.
Thank you.

Go on in.
It's your office.

Where are you, Sam?

How do you like this?

Come on, come on.
Sit down, sit down.

It's all yours.

Thank you.

Here you are, Sam.

Executive cigar?

Sure.

Go ahead,
put your feet up
on the desk there, Sam.

Just like you own the place.

Go on, get them
up there, boy.

Where are
your socks, Sam?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

It's kind of hard
to explain.

That's all right.

You don't have
to explain to me.
I understand.

I know how tough it
is to make ends meet

when you've got
a growing family,

but we're gonna
take care of that, too.

There's a very nice raise
going into effect for you,
starting today.

All right, boys,
let's get back to work,
shall we?

Cheers!
Lots of luck,
lots of luck, Sam.

Crank up on that
Nurdlinger account, huh?

Yes, sir, crank.
And thank you again.

Congratulations,
Mr. Bissell,
on the new job.

Thank you, Marsha.

They assigned me
to you.

That's nice.

Can I do anything?

Yeah. You could get
Mrs. Bissell for me

on the phone,
if you would, please.

Thank you.

(SPITTING)

MARSHA OVER INTERCOM:
Mr. Bissell?

Yes?

Your wife is on one, sir.

Thank you.

Hi, honey.

Sorry, Mr. Burke.

No, you're on the dictograph.

She's on the telephone,
line one.

Thank you.

Hello. Hi, honey.
Who was who?

Oh, that was my secretary.

Yeah, my new secretary.

I got a secretary now.
I got a new office.
I got a raise.

You should see this office.
It's got everything.

It's got windows,
everything. What?
Celebrate tonight?

(STAMMERING) Yeah, well,
I wanted to tell you.

A very peculiar
thing happened

on the way. It's...
I'm sure you'll understand.

You'll laugh when
I tell you what it is.

I don't know why
you didn't just tell him
the simple truth.

Well, dear, wait,
I told you before.

It's just that you
don't know Nurdlinger,
and he's a strange fellow.

He's kind of a nut
about fidelity
and marriage...

I got it. This is
the part I can do.

And he isn't ever
gonna understand

that beautiful friend of yours
kissing me like that.

(HORN HONKING)
There's Janet.
Now, look, dear,

we've just got to try
and be reasonable,

all right?
Well, I am trying
to be reasonable,

but it's awfully
difficult to understand

how you let yourself
get in this absurd
position.

Look, honey,
will you...

I know. I'm trying
to be reasonable.

I'm not succeeding,
but I'm trying.

All right.

Min, I'm really sorry
about all this.

I wouldn't do anything
to upset you or Sam
for a million dollars.

On the other hand,
for $15 million...

Oh, Min.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
Really I didn't.

I'm fine, just fine.

You'd better hurry or
you're gonna be late.
Yeah, okay.

Bye. Let's go.
I'll drive.

Okay. We'll hurry,
darling. I'm sorry.

We'll get out of there
just as fast as possible.

You both look
real nice.
Yeah.

Bye.

Bye. Have a good time.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

My woman's club
is starting a purge

on the evil,
obscene publications

which litter our libraries
and our newsstands.

I'd love to have
Mrs. Bissell join us
next Thursday

for our weekly
book-burning if she's free.

Gee, I'm sure
she'd just love it,
Mrs. Nurdlinger,

but Thursday, I think,
is her church
bingo committee.

I don't believe
in gambling.

They play
for jelly beans.

Oh, well,
that's different.

You know, a man
needs a foundation

on which to build
an immaculate life.

Mrs. Nurdlinger and I,

we detest the philanderer
and the infidelity
which some men live by.

Oh, yes,
so do Sam and I.

You wouldn't believe
some of the
degenerate pursuits

of some of the people
in our society.

But God will deal
with the whoremonger
and the profligate.

Their days are numbered.

Isaiah, verse six.

Amen.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

I have my key, Sam.
Thank you.

Oh.
See you tomorrow.

Okay.
Good night.

Good night, Jan.

(BANGING)

Sam! Someone's at the door!

SAM: What?
What is wrong, what?

(SHUSHING) It's only me,
Janet.

What is it?

(SHUSHING) Don't turn
the lights on.

I can't see anybody.

Sam!
Wait till I turn
on the light.

No!
What?

Don't turn
the lights on.

There's a truck in
front of your house.

It's been there
for hours.
Come and see.

Come and see.
Fast, quick.

Well, here we are
in the middle of the night.

We're gonna go
and see a truck.
Isn't that nice?

JANET: See, there it is.
I told you.

Well, that's right.
It's a truck.

Probably a guy
sitting there parked
with his girl.

Not on a
residential street.

Can you read what
it says on the truck?

Yes. It's a
Brookfield Vacuum
Cleaner Company.

SAM: Brookfield, Brookfield...

There is no
Brookfield Vacuum
Cleaner Company.

I knew it. It's a
private investigator.
I'm sure.

You remember,
my lawyers warned us.

Gee, this is kind
of spooky, isn't it?

I wonder what
a private investigator

thinks he's gonna
see from out there?

Well, that's very simple.
For one thing,

he wants to see
my husband to come,

tomorrow morning,
out of my door.

Oh, no, not again.

Wait just a minute, Sam.

We've gone this far.
We can't quit now.

Well, look,
it's getting
light outside.

And if there's anybody
out in that truck,

he's gonna see me
when I try to cross over.

I'm afraid he's right.

Wait a minute. Of course.

There's a very simple
way to get Sam across

to your house
without being seen.

What are you gonna do,
shoot me out of a cannon,
dear?

Don't be silly, dear.
We don't even have a cannon.

I have a much better idea.

Come on, Sam.
We're ready. Come on.

Dear, I absolutely
refuse to do this.

(EXHALES)

Barney. Barney,
go home, sweetie.

SAM: Don't drop me.

(BARKING)

(WHIMPERING)

Barney, get off!
Go on. Are we there yet?

Be still. We're still
hanging up clothes.

Hurry up!

Wait. We're here.
Barney!

Sam, get up.

"There's a very
simple way to get Sam

"over to your house
without being seen."

Here, you forgot
your pants.

Thank you very much.

If you don't
mind my saying so...
Your shoes.

...this is without
question the most

ridiculous thing
that I've ever heard of!

(HONKING)

Morning, Joe.

Good morning, Harry.
How are you this morning?

Okay.

Morning, Mr. Palma,
Mr. Ray.

Good morning,
Mrs. Bissell.
Morning, Mrs. Bissell.

Good morning,
Mr. Ebbets, Jan.

Hi, dear...
Mrs. Bissell.

I forgot my socks again.

(SHUSHING) We're
being watched.
Can't you feel it?

How's it going,
Taragon?

Getting some
sensational shots,
Mr. Burke.

Real weirdoes.

No, no, wait.

Nurdlinger does not
want weirdoes.

Normal, everyday
people, Harry.

Oh, I got you.
Here's a normal,
everyday couple.

No, no.
Taragon, Taragon.

They're too normal.

Clean-cut types
are what we want.

Average, clean-cut
Americans, Taragon.

There! There you are.

Now there's
a healthy, clean-cut
attractive man and wife.

But that's Mr. Bissell.
That wouldn't be fair.

So he works for us.

What difference
does it make?

There is your average, plain,
everyday husband and wife.

Now stop talking
and take your pictures.

BURKE: I'll see you later.

Listen, Min and you,
you've been so
absolutely wonderful to me

that there's something
I'd like to do.

What's that?

As soon as I get
my inheritance,

I'm going to
give you $1 million.

You're gonna what?

I'm going to
give you $1 million.

You...
But listen, if it hadn't
been for you and Min,

I would never have
got the $15 million.

You know that's true.

Well, well...
Well, I don't want
any discussions

and no arguments.

Anyway, the whole
thing is settled.

I'm going to
Mellner's office right now
and make the arrangements.

Yeah, well,
I don't know
what to say.

Don't say anything then.

If we just get
through the next few days,
we'll all be millionaires.

Uh-huh.

See you tonight.

I don't like that.

Well, this one has
a lot of decency.

That's terrible.
How about this?

Here's the norm,
Harve.
Terrible.

Here's the norm.

Terrible. Terrible.
They are all terrible.

Not one of them typifies
the clean-cut spirit
of this campaign.

Am I right, Sam?
Sam? Sam?

Hmm?

(CLEARING THROAT) Sir?
BURKE: Would you
please explain

to these dunderheads,
for the 10,000th time,

the kind of people
we want to see up here
on this billboard?

Plain, simple,
clean-cut, ordinary,
everyday millionaires.

What?

People. Average,
nice-looking people.

There you are, fellas.
Thanks, Sam.

All right.

(CHATTERING)

(BANGING)

Mrs. Ebbets isn't home.

Hello.
Can I help you?

Well, maybe.
Who are you?

It's none of your business,
but I'm the next-door
neighbor.

Well, how do you do?
I wonder if you could
tell me when she'll be back?

Well, I don't know.
She went into the city
to pick up her husband.

Her husband?
Yeah, her husband.

He lives here with her,
like any normal
married couple.

Look, lady,
I don't know who
this joker is,

but he's not
her husband.

Well, he is so, too.

And you'd better
stop fooling around
their house

or I am going to
call the police.

Take it easy, lady.
Take it easy. I'm leaving.

Uh...

I wonder if you'd
give the happy couple
a message for me.

Would you tell them
I'll be back tonight
and fix both their wagons?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh, Sam,
I'm so glad you called.

I have so much to tell you.

You are kidding.
Break into Janet's house?

Well, what did he
look like?
What is it?

She saw that
private investigator

trying to break
in your house here.

He says I'm not
married to you.

He'll be back tonight
to fix our wagons.

Oh. Sam, I'm scared.

Yeah, look,
Janet's scared, dear.

I'd better...
I'll be over as soon
as it gets dark.

I'll sneak over then.
I gotta hang up.
My wife is waiting.

Your what?

Ostensibly, dear.
Ostensibly.

I'll be over
as soon as it's dark.

Sam, I'm really frightened.
What do we do if he shows up?

Don't worry. I'm here,
and I'll protect you.

But you said
you'd go home
when it gets dark.

Well, just to say hello.
I'll be back.

Sam, I really hate
to impose on you,

but could you
please stay tonight
with me here?

Yeah, I guess I'd better.

Thank you.
You're a darling.

Now, let's see.

It won't be dark
for a couple of hours.

What do we do?
We'll have to
kill some time.

What do you usually do
when you come home
from work?

Well, Min usually
makes me a martini.

All right,
I make you a martini.

Get comfortable.

(CHA-CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYING)

Sam, aren't you supposed
to dance beside me?

No, no.
We can dance couples,
freelance, any old thing.

All right.

Hey, what are you doing?

Steak! Cha-cha-cha.

Steak. Cha-cha-cha.

A little bit more steak?
Potatoes or peas?

I'm full, really.

It was just marvelous.
Thank you.
Sam, Min!

What's the time?

9:00. Excuse me.

Be careful.

Thanks for dinner.
I'll see you
in a little while.

See you later.

Honey.

Hi.

Gee, I'm sorry
I'm late.

Well, I had to wait
till it was dark, dear.

It was pitch black
at 8:18.

What have you been doing
all this time, anyway?

Well, just trying
to kill time.

It's not easy, you know.

Jan and I don't
have much in common.

I heard music.

Finally,
out of sheer boredom,

she put on some records.
That's all.

And then went in
and cooked dinner.

Dinner?
Yeah.

Oh, Sam, don't tell me
you've eaten after
I fixed the casserole?

She's eaten.
She was cooking
just for her.

I'm starving
to death, dear.

Okay, honey.
Sit down.

Yeah.
Here are the rolls.

A little burned,
aren't they?

They've been sitting
in the oven for an hour.

Your favorite dish.
Macaroni casserole.

Thick heavy layer
of mozzarella cheese.

Just the way
you like it.

Boy. Oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

A bit of crust here.
You like that.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

That's plenty.

(SIGHS)

(SLURPING)

Mmm.

You sure you don't
want some more, honey?

You'll ruin it.
Be gilding the lily.

Do you really think
we could take it?

Hmm? What?

The million dollars
that Janet wants
to give us.

I mean,
wouldn't you
feel funny?

Well, it's just
a million...
It's a million,

but she's got 15 million,
so what's one?

Yeah, but, I mean,
here we are sitting
in the kitchen, eating,

and then,
all of a sudden,
we got $1 million.

I know, but she insists.

And the lawyers said
it's rightfully hers,

and all we're trying
to do is help her out.

And they're making
a lot of trouble,

and I'm not her
husband really...

No, you're not.

It's a technicality.

And think of
all of the things
you always wanted.

You know, a mink coat.

Yeah.

Well, it's just
too fantastic.

I can't think about it.

Dear? Delicious.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me, dear.

Hello? Hi, Jan.

Yeah. Okay, I'll send
him right over. Bye.

It's Janet.
She's getting
scared again.

Uh-huh.

Here's your
toothbrush, honey,

and your razor
and your socks

and a clean shirt.

Now listen, honey.
If that man shows up
tonight, be careful.

Don't fight.
Don't worry.
I'm not afraid of him.

I know,
but just be careful.

Yeah. Good night, love.

Isn't this awful?
Here I am kissing
you good night,

and you're going across
to spend the night
with another woman.

A very attractive woman.
Be careful.

I told you
I'm not afraid of him.

I don't mean him.
I mean her.

Oh, dear!
She's your best friend.

I know. I'm sorry.

Okay. Good night, dear.
I love you.

Good night.
I love you.

(SOFTLY) Bye-bye.

Remember to sleep
on your left side

so you don't snore.
I will. Goodbye.

(QUACKING)

(SHUSHING)

Hi, Min. Thank you.

(BURPING)
Good night.

What did you say?
Nothing. Sorry.

Lock the door, Sam.

Sam, I fixed
your bed in here.

Is that all right
for you?
Yeah, perfect. Thanks.

What do we do
if he shows up?

Well, don't worry
about that.
That's what I'm here for.

All right.

Here's a pair of
my husband's pajamas
and the towels.

The bathroom is there.

If you need anything else,
just help yourself.

Fine, fine.

And thank you.
I do appreciate that.

You're the sweetest
man I've ever known.

Good night. Sleep well.
Good night.

Thank you.

Now, no wonder
their marriage broke up.

(EXHALES)

(BURPS)

(MOANING)

Well, it's all Min's fault.

"Be careful," she says.

Well, it's a direct insult.
Be careful.

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

Everybody knows
what kind of a man I am,

for heaven's sake.
I'm a family man. Decent.

I wonder why she left
her door open?

Where are you going?

You wouldn't understand
these things, Sam.

Lie back and live clean.

Can't get to sleep,
can you, my dear?

No.

I don't know
what it is, Sam.

You don't?

No.

I do.

Oh?

And so do you.

No, Sam,
I don't know. I...

Yes.

Oh, I don't...
No! No! No! No! No!

(SCREAMING)

(SIREN WAILING)

I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.

Didn't do it.
Didn't do it!
Didn't! Didn't!

Sam! You...

I didn't do it.
Didn't do it!

You philanderer!

No! No! No!
It's not true.

I'm a plain,
ordinary, everyday,
clean-living family man.

Oh, no.

She's lying in there
thinking that I'm gonna
come barging in on her.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

I'd better just slip
in there and tell her

that she's got
nothing to worry about.

I'd never do
a thing like that.

She's perfectly all right.

Jan! Jan! Jan, listen,
I just want you to know

I would never crash in here
in the middle of the night

and take advantage
of the situation,
for the world.

But, Sam...

I mean,
even if I wanted to.
Which I don't.

No, you don't.
But, Sam, what happened?

I mean, actually,

it's just something
that Min dreamed up.

(STAMMERING)
I'll explain to Min

that you behaved like
a perfect gentleman.

Everything is all right.
Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

(THUD)

(GASPS)

Sam, Sam, that's him.

(SHUSHING)

Sam. Sam.

(SHUSHING)

Be careful.

(UNLOCKING DOOR)

(GASPS)

Sam!

Look out, please.
Don't let him hurt you.

(SCREAMING)

Okay, Sam, hold him.
I got him!

Hold him, Sam!
Hold him!
I still got him!

I still got him.

Howie!

Sam, let him up.
It's my husband.

Your what?
It's my husband!

I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Sam!

Sam, Sam.
I'm sorry.

It's your husband.
Sam,
are you all right?

Yes.
Are you all right?
I didn't know...

Tell me. Did you
hurt yourself?

Who in the
living hell is he?

I'm sorry.
I'm trying
to help Janet.

Help her?
Yes, he helped me.

I'll bet
he's been helping you.

You look like
you've been helping her,

you in pajamas and
you in a nightgown.

What do you mean?

What an absolutely
despicable remark.

How dare you?
Apologize this instant!

Apologize?
Yes.

I come here
in the middle of the night

and find some ape
in fluorescent pajamas
with my wife in a nightgown.

Well, of course
I'm in a nightgown.

What else would I be wearing
in the middle of the night?
An overcoat?

Maybe you ought to be.

All alone with this idiot
and his moronic
trick-or-treat pajamas.

It is entirely your fault
that he had to
be here at all.

HOWARD: My fault?
JANET: Yes!

I just gave him one
of your old pajamas
which you never wore.

Wait. Those are my pajamas.

JANET: Yes.

Why, those are
the pajamas you bought me

the weekend we
drove to Carmel.

And now you give them
to this gigolo?

Oh, don't get
all sentimental over
a pair of pajamas.

Anyway, what are
you doing here?

I came here today
to talk to you.

Why didn't you?
You weren't here.

Why didn't you wait?

Because that
hysterical snoop
next door

caught me and was
gonna call the police.

Don't call my wife
a snoop.

Your wife?

Yes, his wife.
And she also is
my best friend,

and she kindly loaned me
the use of her husband

to make it look like
I'm happily married,

which I never was
with the likes of you.

Now, now, just a moment...
Yeah, but explain that...

Wait, wait.
Please, let me...

Let me clarify this.

My wife loaned me,
so to speak, to Janet,

but only so that
she would qualify

to get her inheritance
under her grandfather's
will, you see.

See, $15 million she gets.

$15 million?

Yes.

And don't pretend
you didn't know.

Well, no, I...

It dawns on me
why you suddenly
showed up out of nowhere,

you moneygrubbing,
dreadful man.

No, no, no, no,
listen, Janet.
No.

Janet, I...
Janet, you are wrong.

Of course
I'm wrong, yes.

Janet, I swear
I didn't know a thing
about this inheritance

until this very minute.

It's not money
I came after. It's you.

Get out of here
right now.

Listen, if you think
I'm leaving in the
middle of the night

while my wife
is in a nightgown

and this guy is
in my pajamas,
you are crazy.

If you get in
that pajamas routine
once more, I'll scream!

And I am not your wife!
Now, get out.

Are you kidding?
I'm not leaving.

All right. Sam,
please throw him out.

Yeah. Yeah, come on.
Come on, Pajamas.

Throw me out now that
you can't jump me
from behind. Come on.

Come on.

Why don't you settle
your own domestic quarrels?

It's none of my business.
I'm going back

to my own bed
and my own house.

Oh, no! No, no,
you can't do that
to me. No.

You know that
the detective is
watching this morning,

and what would he think?
He saw you this
evening come in my house

and then tomorrow morning,
he'll see you leaving
from your house.

No, please. It's just
only that one more time.

And it's only
one hour to daylight.

Please, Sam, please.
Please stay on.

Do it for me.

Hey, Pajamas?

(SAM MOANS)

You awake?

Old Jan was
really mad out there
in the kitchen, wasn't she?

All that yelling
and screaming,

sure gave me
a nostalgic feeling.

Almost like we were
still married.

You know, some of
the happiest days of my life

were spent fighting
with that little girl.

If you insist
on clumping down
memory lane,

would you do it,
please, more quietly?

When I say fights,
I don't just mean arguments.

I mean knock-down,
drag-out fights.

Why, she's got a left hook.
It's beautiful.

I got a spot
right here on my arm,

she used to nail me
three out of five times.

You through?
Look, I don't know about you,

but I have to get
up in the morning
and go to work.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
So do I.
Good, good.

Well, then why don't you
just get out of here now,
while it's still dark?

Where am I
supposed to go?

Well, what you do
is you sneak across
to my patio, see.

And you go to sleep
in a nice damp chair
that I've got over there.

And you wait until morning.
I'm gonna call up my wife,

I'm gonna explain this whole
ridiculous thing to her.

She'll let you
in the back door

and then you go out
the front door, you see,

and the fella in
the truck out there

will think that
you live there

and you were off
on a business trip
for a couple of days.

That's the best
you can suggest,

that I wait
outside all night?

Well, I wouldn't
suggest you wait inside,

a perfect stranger,
with my wife, thank you.

Forget it!
All right.

Good, you're gonna
explain it to the fellow
in the truck

when we both
leave the same house
tomorrow morning.

There goes $15 million
down the drain.

Okay, you explain it.
Go ahead.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You know, it's gonna
be cold out there
on that patio.

Why don't you take
a blanket?

Thanks a lot.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

You again.
Look, I thought
I told you

the next time you came here
I was gonna call the police.

I'm Howard Ebbets,
Janet's husband.

You see, I've been
out here in the cold...

You're Janet's...

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought...

Come in,
get some coffee.

I thought you
were somebody...

I called Min.
Howard is expecting you
to drive him to work.

He is?
Yes.

Now, please,
eat your toast.
You'll be late.

No, I'm not hungry.

Will you stop
staring out of
that window?

Min is all right.

Of course
she's all right.
Yes.

I wasn't staring.
I was just glancing.

Oh, glancing.

He's a pretty
good-looking fella,
isn't he?

Yes, he's a
good-looking fellow.

Well, it's all surface.

Surface, yes.

Yeah, surface
handsomeness.
Yes.

Well, I certainly
don't think there's
much depth to the man.

No depth, no.

Well, he certainly
isn't Min's type.

No, never. He'd be
never Min's type.

You're funny.

She talks like a parrot.

I'm not hungry.

Well...

Come on, Sam.

Morning.

Morning, Howard.

Morning.
Morning, Jan.

Bye, my dear.
Have a nice day
at the office.

Oh, yes.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

See you later, honey.
Bye, have a nice day.

Bye.
Wait a minute.

Morning, Min.
Morning, Sam.

Oh, listen, buddy,
I'll have to
ride home with you,

so why don't you
pick me up at Montgomery
Post at 5:00, huh?

Please.
Please.

Would you mind
not slamming
the door quite so hard?

Now don't tell me
how to slam the door
on my own car.

Your car?
Yeah, I happened
to have paid for it,

and I'll slam the door
any time I like.

All right, all right.
Okay.

(STAMMERING)

Is that my shirt
you've got on?

Yeah, that's your shirt
and your shorts
and your skivvy shirt

and those beautiful
lisle socks

your mother brought you
from France.

Well, Min has lost her mind.

Well, dear,
did you have to
give him my underwear

and one of my good shirts
and my best socks?

Well, what else could I do?

The poor man was
all grubby from waiting
outside in the patio.

And his spirits
were so low.

Well, you know
what a lift it is

to put on clean clothes
after a shower.

He took a shower?

Well, of course.

Didn't you take
a shower at Janet's?

No, I didn't take
a shower at Janet...

What do you think I am?
Some kind of a sex maniac?

Sam, you're making noises
like a jealous husband.

He happens to be
a very nice man.

He's kind and generous
and very handsome.

Handsome. He's very...

He's got no more
character in his face
than an ordinary egg.

Just an ordinary
and certainly not
a Nurdlinger egg.

Oh, Sam, you are jealous.
That's wonderful.

Well, I don't think it's...
Sam, big mix-up...

I'm sorry.
Just a minute. What?

There's a big
confusion down there.
What is it?

They think
that girl is Min.
What girl?

The girl I saw you
hugging and kissing
on the street...

(SHUSHING)

The girl on the street.
You were hugging,
kissing her.

Burke thinks
she's your wife.

Will you please be quiet?

It's all part of a plan
and don't you try
to figure it out.

I'll tell you about
it someday. Goodbye.

You're not
worried about the
Nurdlinger billboard?

Earl, please. Just don't
bother me now. Please.

Believe me,
I know what I'm doing.
Goodbye.

Okay. I don't get it,
but okay.

That's the way
you want it, okay.

And close the thing.

Okay.

I'm sorry,
but I was just speaking
to the ram head there, Earl.

Is the truck still there?
It is.

I don't like it
any more than you do, honey.

One more night,
the whole mix-up
ought to be settled.

I love you, too. I'm sorry.

Make it look good.
I feel somebody
watching us.

Certainly.

Well, it's sure good
to be home.

Yeah.

I wonder what
little Minsey's got
for dinner tonight?

Sam!

Don't forget, you're
not Mr. Suburbanite
coming home to your wife.

You're coming
home to my wife.
Let's not forget that.

Yeah, and the same
goes for you, pal,
and don't you forget it.

Don't stand there
in my underwear
and threaten me.

Well, I'll see you
later, pal.

And thanks for
the ride home.

Forget it.

(EXHALES)

You know,
and after three years
at law school

the Dean didn't
even know my name.

How could they
know your name?

Don't ask me.
So Eli Whitney turns
to him and he says,

"You keep your
cotton-picking hands
off of my Jean."

(LAUGHING)

Isn't that
a beautiful story?

Honestly, that's
the funniest thing
I've ever heard.

And you put it
so brilliantly.
Well, thank you.

Have you ever
thought of
being a writer.

Writer? Me? No.

A writer.
Howie a writer.

He never had
an original thought
in his life.

Yeah, I can believe that.

You know what kills me,
that toupee
that he's wearing.

That is a toupee,
isn't it?

No, it's his own hair.

Oh, well, then he must
go to a hair stylist
or something.

He wouldn't go
to a regular barber.

Anybody with a head
of hair like that's gotta
go to a hair stylist.

He's just vain, huh?

You have to fight him
to get to a mirror.

(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

Listen. They're
playing a tango.

Shall we?
I'd be delighted.

I've been meaning
to ask you about
that hunk of junk.

What is it,
something you
forgot to throw away?

Oh, no,
that's Sam's creation.

He loves to
dabble in art.

Art?
Uh-huh.

HOWARD: That's the biggest,
craziest dabble
I've ever seen.

What do you do,
turn it on here?

Yeah, like that.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Get your hands
off of that.

The man in the truck.

(MIN SHUSHING)

Off! Off! Off!

I'm sorry.

Off!

I'm sorry, dear.

Say, he's sensitive,
isn't he?

Very. He's creative.

Uh-huh.

It's ridiculous.
What am I worried about,
a madman like that?

I know the sort.
He's typical, typical.

He just took
advantage of, you know,

the smooth dancer
and the fancy dresser,

and you were young
and naive,

and you thought
he was a swell fella

because he never
made a pass at you,

and then you marry him
and you find out why.

Mama's boy.
Pretty mama's boy.

He's all wind-up and
no pitch, as we say.

It's a sad facet
of American life.

Oh, no, he wasn't
a mama's boy.

It was quite the contrary.

HOWARD: Do you have
any mambo records?

And cha-cha.

Cha-cha, too.
That's great.
Yes.

The conga.
Remember the conga?
Yeah, that's wonderful.

And would you
believe it,
two years ago,

Sam and I won
a Charleston contest
at the...

(PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me. Hello.

Min, are you all right?

Hi, dear.
Well, of course
I'm all right.

What do you mean?

I miss you, dear.
What are you doing?

Howie and I are
gonna play cards.

He's really
a lot of fun, Sam.

Yeah, yeah, I bet.
What kind of cards?

Honeymoon bridge.

That's a great game, Min,
much better four-handed.

What do you say
all four of us
play right now, huh?

Well, I don't know.
I'll have to see
how Howie feels.

He's had a rough day
at the office.

Just a minute, hold on.

See how Howie feels.
He had a rough day
at the office.

Yeah, all right.
If he doesn't stay
too late.

I got a tough day
tomorrow.
Okay.

Sam? Sam, honey.

He says it's okay.
You can come on over
just so it isn't too late.

Well, now, gee whiz,
I wouldn't want
to tire out Howie.

You sure it's all right?

No, it's all right.

You can come on
over for a while.

Gosh, right. Bye, Min.

Bye.

She's got to be sick.

Say, listen, Minsey,
you know, honey,

we never would
have made this hand

if he hadn't made
the wrong discard.

Yes, you said
that before,
didn't you?

Well, that does it, Howie.
They owe us $1.42.

All right,
now that's all settled,

what do you say
we have a nightcap?

Sam, what can I get you?
I'll get it.

No, no.
I'm just trying to
be the gracious host.

I see. Well, I think
I can get my own drink
in my own house.

Let's not squabble.
I'll get the drinks. Jan?

I don't care
for anything,
thank you.

Howie, soda,
Scotch and soda, right?

Yeah, and a water.
Oh, sorry.

I'll help you, honey.
Okay.

Sam, you want to get
another tray of cubes?

Ice. Please.

If anything happens
to that marriage,

I'll hold you
personally responsible,
Howard Ebbets.

Me?
Yes, you.

Now, look, you're the one
who started this
whole nutty thing.

You are the one
who came in
bursting in the night,

in the middle
of the night.

Oh, boy, I always knew
how selfish

and totally
self-centered you were,

but I never thought
you'd stoop

to endangering
a beautiful marriage

like the Bissells'
out of pure greed.

Greed!
Yeah.

How dare you
talk to me that way?

How dare?
How dare?

You said,
"How dare you?"

Now you're beginning
to act like
my old gal again.

Come on, honey.
Let's go a couple
of rounds, sweetheart.

Oh, no. Oh, no,
you don't trick me
like that.

Has he made
a pass at you yet?

(MOANS)

Well, has he
or hasn't he?

Well, look, don't just
give me a look.

It's not such
a ridiculous question.

For your information,
he is known to be
highly oversexed.

Known?

Well, I don't say
he takes ads, no.

But his own wife told me,
and it made her
sick when she did.

He's disgusting.
Can you imagine
what it must be like

to be married to
a man like that?

She's sexually normal.

Oh?

You told me that, right?
I think it was right
after we were married,

(LAUGHING)
when you were...

Well, what are you
laughing at?

You are so cute.

I miss you.
I miss you, too.

When is this
all gonna be over?

I don't know.
Pretty soon.

Keep on thinking
about the million dollars.

Yeah.

Trip around the world.
Leisure time.

Security for the kids.

No more Vernier
and Burke & Hare...

You know
what I miss the most?

What?

My feet get so cold.

Hey, Bissell,
if you're looking

for the Scotch,
it's in the cupboard.

Yes, we found it, finally.
Thank you.

Um...

Howie, old boy,
could I speak to you
for just a second? Please?

Sure. Sure.

Yeah.

Howard, Howie,

I'd like to spend tonight
in my own house
with my own wife.

Hey, hey, now,
now you're talking.

Now, that's a great idea.

I'd like to spend
some time alone
with Janet, too, you know.

Yeah, we got
a lot to fight over.

Good. You got a deal.

Okay. Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What about the guy
in the truck?

Yeah, there's
a full moon out...

I have a plan.
Yeah, what's that?

I will go home
with Janet

and go straight
out on the patio.

I will light a cigarette
so that you'll know I'm there.

Now you do
exactly the same thing

and then I will
know you are there.

Light a cigarette.
When the girls
go to bed...

Yeah?

...and the last
light goes out,

I'll give you a signal.
I'll whistle.

And that is our cue
to run back and forth, see.

Bissell,
you're a genius.

One thing I think
we should remember,

it's when you run,
crouch very low, you see,

and that way,
if he sees us,
he won't see us.

Yeah, now just
wait a minute.

Let's just drop
the advice.

I happen to have
been a Marine Raider.

I can take care
of myself.

Oh, no.
Well, I was in the OSS.

I think I know
a little bit more about
this nighttime stuff...

Now wait a minute,
big shot.

...than a Marine Raider.
Wait a minute.

Let me tell you
about the Marines.

We were the first
into Okinawa.

I do not wish
to be recruited.

I don't want...
We were the first...

Let's not quibble.
We're going to spend
the night with our wives.

Yeah.

You know, you're not
such a bad guy
after all, Sam.

Yeah, neither are you, Howie.

What's so funny?

What are you two guys
grinning about?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Nothing.

Well, here's to
two ex-servicemen

and a successful
mission tonight.

Dark of the moon.

Dark of the moon.

(QUACKING)

(QUACKING)

(SHUSHING)

Bissell,
your ducks are loose.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

Now!

Bissell! Bissell,
the duck!

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

SAM: Turn it off!
Turn it off!

Turn it off!

That was real clever,
OSS man.

That was the duck,
not me.

(SHUSHING) You'll wake up
the whole neighborhood.

What? Are you kidding?

You think someone's
gonna be asleep after
a racket like that?

Where are my glasses?

What's going on
over there, Sam?

Who's that?
Al... Al, nothing.
It's... I'm sorry.

Hi, Al.
I bet the detective
didn't miss any of it.

(SHUSHING) The detective.

You better
come back, Sam.
Come on.

Well, that wrecks it.
That's...

Well, anyway,
you tried, honey.

Good night, dear.

Night, Sam.

Good night, Mrs. Ebbets.

Good night, Mr. Bissell.

Good night,
Mr. and Mrs. Ebbets.

OSS.

(QUACKING)

Go home. Go home.

Good morning,
Mrs. Bissell.

Good morning,
Mr. Palma. Hi.

Good morning, Min.
Morning, Sam.

Morning, Sam.
Morning, Min.

Good morning, Mr. Bissell.

You folks work it out.

Sir, we're asking
Your Honor to delay
for another week

your decision as who
is entitled to inherit.

Why?

My clients have had
these people under scrutiny

for the past few days
by a private investigator.

Yes. We saw him out there
with his vacuum
cleaner truck.

He didn't fool us
a minute.

Some very odd things
have been happening
at that house.

Unless it pertains
to the plaintiff's

qualifications
for inheritance,

I'm not interested, sir.

There's something very sneaky
going on in that house,
Your Honor.

All we're asking for
is another week's stay,
Your Honor.

Denied.
But, Your Honor...

All we want
is justice.

I said denied.

You can't alter
a man's deathbed bequest

with a lot of childish spying
and gossip.

Now, obviously,
this woman and man
are husband and wife,

Mr. and Mrs.
Howard Ebbets,
and as such,

I set the hearing
for distribution
of the Lagerlof will

to take place
in probate court
tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.

Now, nice to have met you,
Mr. and Mrs. Ebbets.

Now see here,
Your Honor,

I've had some experience
in this sort of thing...

We want justice!
This is ridiculous.

IRENE: I don't care
what you say...

We made it.
Sam, I'm rich.

I want to go out
and buy everything.

Well, you can.
$15 million.

And I'm going to give
you and Min $1 million.

Oh, boy.
We're millionaires.
Like promised. Yes.

I don't believe it.

Sam! Sam,
you seen Burke yet?

No, I just got in.

I had business
on the outside.

Yeah, well,
congratulations,
golden boy.

What do you mean,
"golden boy"?

Well, good old Nurdlinger
is ecstatic about
his billboards.

What billboards?

What billboards?
Are you of this world?

Those billboards.
Yeah, those billboards.

You create more
bedlam around here
with all of your nonsense...

Yeah, well, look,
I'll tell you, Earl,

I've had a few
personal problems lately,

and I just completely
forgot about
the Nurdlinger billboards.

Yeah, well, anyway,
Burke and Nurdlinger

are patting each
other on the back.

They just love them.
That's nice.

It is, huh? Have you
seen those billboards?

What billboard?

No, I haven't been
near the media
department lately.

I would strongly recommend
you take a good look
at those billboards.

They're finished?
Finished? They're up.

They're all over town.

Well, good.

Sam, Sam, good friend.
Look, it's none
of my business,

but you know Mr. and Mrs.
"Average, clean-living man
and wife" they used?

Yeah?
I'll give you
a big fat clue.

It ain't Mr. and Mrs.
Abraham Lincoln.

No, well, who is it?

It happens...
Sam!

Just the fellow
we've been waiting for.

Sam, come in,
come in, come in,
come in.

There's somebody here
just dying to see you.

Sam, look who's here.

You, sir, you had
the courage to stand up

on your two feet
and say no to me,

to say that my idea
was wrong.

Well, sir, I'm here
with my hat in hand
to say that you were right.

You've struck
the keynote of
our organization,

clean, wholesome
advertising.

My hand is
out to you, sir.

Well, thank you.

Actually, I've been meaning
to speak to both of you
about leaving.

Leaving?
Leaving?
What do you mean.

Another agency?
More money, Sam?

Oh, no.
Nothing like that, sir.

It's just I came into
an unexpected windfall,
an inheritance,

and I was thinking
of retiring.

Retiring?
You can't retire.
You're my man.

You're my
account executive.

Speak to him, Burke.

Sam, Sam, Sam,
you must be joshing.

You can no more quit
the excitement
of this business

than you can
quit breathing.

Oh, yes, it's exciting,
all right, but you see,
I have all this money now...

Money? What is money?

Sam, come right over here.

Look out that...
Look at that billboard.

Oh.
Isn't that
magnificent?

Any amount of money,
Sam, in this world

to take the place of
you saying, "I did that.

"I, Sam Bissell,
created that beautiful,
glorious,

"wonderful wholesome...
Right.

"...billboard."

It's a thrill seeing
it up there and all,

but, on the other hand,
you take a million dollars,

that's an awful lot of...

Who the hell
put that up there?
What's the matter?

Is it in the
wrong spot?
Oh, no!

Well, that's our space, Sam.
We got 12 of them all over...

That's going to
ruin everything.

Mr. Burke,
that's got to come down!

They've all
gotta come down.
BURKE: Sam?

Hi, there!

I'm sorry.
I can't talk to you now.

Wait a minute, friend.
This is important.

Look, I'm sorry.
I can't talk to you now.

I'm in a hurry.

Bissell,
come back here!

What's the matter
with him?

Did I do anything
to offend him?

Running away will not help
your particular situation.
Come back.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Hey, fellas,
stop walking around.

DIRECTOR: Roll it, Jim.

One, two. One, two.

♪ By the hour, by the day
By the week or any way

♪ Just let Hertz put you
in the driver's seat

♪ Today ♪

Man, that's real coffee!

No!

Oh, no!

Cut it!

Listen, you better
take time to
talk to me, Mr. Ebbets,

if you know
what's good for you.

Mr. Ebbets?

You don't know me,
but I can assure you,
I know you,

Mr.
Sneaky-between-the-houses.

Reinhold Shiffner,
private investigator.

Oh, yeah, well,
I don't know
what you want,

but I'm in a big hurry.

Scandal is not
a very pretty word, sir.

I've been watching you
off and on

since Tuesday night,
you know.

My goodness,

(CLICKING TONGUE)
such goings-on.

(GASPING)

How do you do?

Hold it! Hold it!
You can't run away

from fraud and deceit,
young man.

What do you...
Fraud and deceit?

This will just
take a minute.

Reinhold Shiffner.

Yeah, you already
gave me a card.

Private Investigator.

Most people think
we still wear derbies
and chew toothpicks.

Not true.
I'm Harvard, '44,

science major with
a good solid foundation

in business
administration and law.

That's very interesting.

I also majored
in theatrical arts.

That accounts for
the little touch of
showmanship in my trucks.

You've seen my
vacuum cleaning outfit,
haven't you?

I have a cherry-picker
truck and a tank truck.

The tank truck's
for big jobs.
Three men.

We can stay out
for a full month

without returning
to home base.

Gee, how about that.
Yes.

Well, look,
let's get down to
brass tacks, shall we?

I was hired by
Mrs. Ebbets' cousins,
Jack and Irene.

I started watching
your place Tuesday night.

I saw you sneaking
between the houses,

you naughty,
naughty boy, you.

You saw me?

But I nailed you good
with my infrared
night camera.

Here, take a look
at these beauties.

Oh, that one, that one.
Award-winning. Yeah.

Well, you got me.

Yes, indeedy, I got you.

As obvious as could be.

These photos are
final and conclusive proof
to any skilled investigator,

that you really are
Mr. Howard Ebbets.

It's the same old story.

A wandering husband,
bored with his brunette wife,

sneaks over to
pay a little visit

to the hot-looking
blonde cookie next door.

(EXCLAIMING)

You've probably been
doing it for months.

Sneaking over...

But you didn't sneak
out the last few nights.

And you know why?

Yeah. Why?

Bissell was home.

Back from a business trip,
I figured.

What am I supposed
to do now?

Well, I'd like to
have a nice private
conversation with you,

and I think the best place
to do that would be
in your car.

Come on,
get right in there.

The car's
a marvelous place to
conduct private business.

Hard to bug,

and you can't focus
electronic stuff on them
while they're moving.

If you don't mind,
I live out on 29th and Geary.

Well, the pictures are
for sale, Mr. Ebbets.

Say 500 bucks.

After all,
you wouldn't be
sneaking around

if you didn't
want it kept quiet.

I'll meet you tomorrow night
down in the lobby again.

I guess they'd be
worth a lot more
than that

if I wasn't
Howard Ebbets.

Right. They'd be
worth millions

to her cousins and
a big fat bonus for me.

What did you do that for?

Oh, I kind of like to
whip them around the curves
every now and then.

You know, it gets
the old adrenalin going.

It's good for you.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(POLICE WHISTLE BLOWING)

(HORNS HONKING)

You're mad!
Do you hear me?

I'd like to
get out right here.

Nonsense.
Drive you right
to your front door.

Say, here's a fun street.
Do you like curves?

No, I hate curves.

Let's stop someplace.

SAM: It gets a little
faster down at the end here.

SHIFFNER:
I don't feel well.

Why don't you drop me off
anywhere along here?

Actually,
I'd enjoy the walk.

It's only 50 blocks.
Oh, nonsense.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Help me!

(SCREAMING)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

Look, I know a shortcut.

Well, here we are.
You can come up now.

Tell me, you drive
to work every day?

Sure do.

Somebody up there
must be absolutely
crazy about you.

(CHUCKLING)

Bye.

Min? Min.

Sam, what's wrong?
You don't believe it.

I met that nutty
private investigator.

I don't know
where they got it,

but there's
billboards all over town.
What?

Me and Janet...
What are you talking...

There's no time to lose.
Come on, dear.
Sam!

Hurry up. Come on.
Sam, what are you
talking about?

Just a minute.
I've lost my shoe.

Come on, dear,
I'll explain later.
We gotta get Janet.

You know,
now that this is over

and you're gonna
get the money, I...

Well, I think
you're right.

We should stay separated.

Yeah, you'd never
believe that I love you

and want you
only for yourself.

Let's just say
goodbye quietly,

and, well,
I wish you the world
of happiness and...

Goodbye.

Why don't we really...

Janet? Janet!

Hold it! Hold it!

Don't come barging
in like that, Bissell.

This is
very important!

Get all the paint
you've got.
JANET: Paint?

Paint?
You got any paint cans,
spray cans,

paint brushes,
anything you've got.
Get old clothes on.

I'll be over in the garage
getting all our stuff.

Hurry up.
What, Sam?
Min, what is it?

What's he
talking about?
What is it? Min!

I don't get it at all.
Something about

a billboard and
an investigator.

(SCREAMS)
Investigator? Jan!

Jan, don't...
Come back here.

Don't get tangled
with that nut again!

Janet, look,
let's go back
and talk...

Sam, will you
explain to me
what it is,

because I don't...
I don't know how...

I don't understand.
What happened?

You know those
crazy billboards

that I dreamed up
for Nurdlinger?

Well, I don't know
where they got pictures
of you and me,

but I haven't got
time to explain...
What? I don't...

We've got to
deface them
by morning.

Deface them? Are you...
You're out of your mind.

Look,
don't you understand?

They think that
we're married,
Janet and me.

Our picture's up
on billboards
all over town.

It's astounding.
Big letters 10-feet high,

Mr. and Mrs.
Sam Bissell
blah-blah-blah,

Nurdlinger's things
and so forth.

Now, the cousin and
the detective see them
and there we are,

we're through.
My inheritance!

That's what I mean.
Now get going.

Put these in the car
and wait there.

Bissell, what are
you planning to do?

We are going to
paint out the faces.

No!
Yes.

Sam!
Listen, you're
insane. Janet!

Janet, you can't go around
damaging private property.

They'll throw you
in jail.

And what happens
with my inheritance?

Forget it.
We don't need the money.

You are running
true to form.

If things can't happen
like you want it,
you just don't want to help.

Oh, boy!
You're all crazy.

In the middle
of the night.

Min, you've gotta change.
You can't go like that.

Here, put these on.
No.

Honey, this is
no time to argue.

No, Sam,
this has gone
far enough.

You've quit your job
and you've ruined

our home life,
and it's too much.

It's just more
than I can stand.

Look, dear,
will you please?

Just this
one more thing.

Think of
the million dollars.

I want my home
and my children
and my husband

and a little peace
and quiet.

Look, you stay here,
I've gotta go.

I'm a man without a job.
I want that million dollars.

Sam.
What?

If you go,
I won't be here
when you come back.

Min, you don't mean
that and you know it.

I've got to go.

Sam?

Are you gonna
come or not?

What's the use?

Hurry up.

I don't believe it.

Sam, look at that
dreadful photograph
of me.

But I don't have
a face thin like that.

This is no time to
start admiring yourself.

Get going.

(LAUGHING)

That's extremely good.

You don't know
what you're missing.

Juvenile delinquents,
both of you.

What's going on
out there?

Well, we're underpaid
schoolteachers,

and I have to moonlight
to feed my wife
and children.

Hello. Good morning.

She's a schoolteacher?

(STAMMERING)

Girls' hygiene.

God bless you for
the wonderful work
you're doing.

That's the last
of them.

Thanks for all
your help, Howard.

You've been grand.

Sure, sure.
I'm the one
that's wrong.

Just because I won't
go along with this
harebrained childish scheme

of Nutsy over there,
I'm the one that's wrong.

That's been the history
of our marriage.

Marriage?

We are not married.

Once again,
you demonstrate your
truly remarkable ability

to phrase things
in such a twisted
and distorted way

as to make me look
as if I'm doing
something ridiculous.

Disfiguring billboards
all over town
in the middle of the night,

perfectly normal.

Just don't come
crying to me for help
when you get caught.

We didn't
ask you along.
Why don't you leave?

I just may.

Then go.
Why are you
hanging around?

All right,
you silly...
Goodbye.

And this time forever.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Now how do we
get up there?

I'm gonna rent a room.

I'm gonna get across
on that roof by
the fire escape.

You wait here for me.
No!

We started
everything together,

we're going to
finish it together, Sam.

Not in this
neighborhood, Janet.

Please, not in that
kind of hotel.

Just stay and
wait here for me.

No, but...
Please!

Hi, I'd like a room, please.
On the west side.

You got a reservation?

Well, no, I don't have...
Reservation?

Sorry, I'm full up.

Well, look,
I'm a traveling salesman.

Thank you, Frankie baby.

Everything okay, Sherry?

Talk to you later.

I deal in paints,

and my car broke down
just around the corner.
They're fixing it up,

so I'll only need
the room for about
an hour, two hours.

Why didn't you
say what you want

in the first place?
Who sent you? Charlie?

Charlie sent me.

20 bucks.

20?

20 bucks, buddy.

Fourth floor, room 434.

Use that elevator
over there.

$20?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

It's me, honey. Yoo-hoo!

You must have
the wrong room, ma'am.

I'm sorry,
forgive the way I look.
No.

But if you'll...
No.

No. No,
not with me, buddy.

No what? What...

I mean, no, damn it!

I thought I've
seen everything,
but this is a new one on me.

You lay a paintbrush on me
and I'm gonna
scream this joint down.

(SHUSHING)
You don't...

You're a psychiatric case,
that's what you are.

I see. Well, please...

Oh, boy,
you keep away from me.

I'm gonna tell Frankie.
He'll fix you!

No, don't tell
anybody anything.

(SCREAMING)

Wait!
You don't understand.

Help! Help! Help!

Please...

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Hey, lady,
please don't holler!

What? What is it?

Stop him!

Stop screaming,
lady, please.

Hold that elevator.

Hold that elevator.
Hold that elevator.

(SCREAMING)

Help, someone!
Stop him!

Somebody, stop him!

Stop him! Stop him!
Stop him!

Stop him!
He wanted to paint me.
What's this world coming to?

Of all the lousy,
crummy insects
I ever saw.

I'll teach you
to go around
lacquering up broads.

Just a minute!

Take your hands
off him immediately.

Stop it.
Does this crumb
belong to you, lady?

Yes, he's my husband.

Well, you'd better
keep him locked up
at home

because he wanted
to paint me.

You don't...
Don't be ridiculous.

This man is
Mr. Samuel Bissell,

one of the great truly
artists of the world.

He came in and
checked into your hotel
to get away

from the hustle and
bustle of the world
to do some serious painting.

No kidding?
You mean, he's famous?

Yes.

Bissell? Bissell?
I think I heard of him.

Or was it
the carpet sweeper?

If you don't mind...

Right this way.

Golly, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have...

There we go.

No, you go ahead, Sam.

And give my love to Min.

Well, wait a minute,
what about you?

Well, I'll stay here
for awhile.

I've got some
unfinished business.

Oh.

Good luck.

Bye.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Jan.
Go away.

Jan.
Go away.

I've been away,
and I didn't like it.

I loved it.
I never had a better
time in my life.

You're lying.
You missed me as
much as I missed you.

Which happens
to be not at all.

Oh, boy.
Okay, okay, I tried.

Lord knows I tried,
but I've had it.

This time
I've had it for good.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Howard,
I just want you to know

that I know why
you say you want me back.

Really?
Yes.

Because of
my $15 million.
That's why.

What? Wait a minute.
What?

You heard me.
You want me
because of my money.

I want you
because of your money?
Yes.

How dare you?
How dare you say
a thing like that?

How dare you talk to me
in that tone of voice?

Just get out of here,
that's all!

Don't you worry.
I'm getting out.

But not before
I give you something

you've had coming to
you for a long time,

a good swift kick
in the hind end.

Ha! You wouldn't dare!

Oh, now you're going to
get it, Howard Ebbets.

How do you like that?

Am I going to belt you.

No, no, no, mister.

Block her with a left.
Come on now.

And clip her.
Clip her with a left.

Go ahead.
Would you mind not...

You did it!
You did it again.

Right in the tricep.
My darling,
I'm so sorry.

My whole arm's
paralyzed.
I'm so sorry.

Does it hurt?
Can you move your hand?

Yes, it does hurt.

Does that make
you feel better?

Yes, it does.

Hey, goofy.

Would you mind, sir?
This happens to be
a private argument.

I'm so sorry.
I'm really...

I am. I'm really sorry.

Hey, goofy.
I love you.

You know, it's taken
me all these months
to realize how much.

What do you say
we try it again, huh?

Hey, dear! Min!
We made it.

No. Min? Min?

I didn't know where to go.

Of all the silly
things for me to do.

After being married
to you all these years,

I couldn't walk out
on you and my babies.

I'm so used to
your silly face
and your goofy ways.

You love me
and you know it.

You loved me when
I was a mail clerk
for 40 bucks a week.

Mommy! Daddy!
We're home.

Here we are.
Don't they look
marvelous?

Hi.
How are you?

Grandma took us to
the merry-go-round,
and I went on a giraffe,

and it went up and down,
and I threw up.

But Jenna didn't throw up
because she was on a horse.

And did you know
that Grandma
takes her teeth out

before she goes
to bed, Daddy?

Could I please
take my teeth out

when I get bigger?
Please, Daddy?

Yes. Things are
back to normal.