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1
00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:34,233
fuck.
2
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:45,210
ladies and gentlemen, this
3
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,179
ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,
4
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:51,950
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,
start cheering, start whooping,
5
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,586
Is your cue to start clapping,
start cheering, start whooping,
and welcome to the stage
6
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,556
Start cheering, start whooping,
and welcome to the stage
Jim jefferies!
7
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,491
And welcome to the stage
Jim jefferies!
8
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:07,800
Hello.
9
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:16,975
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for coming to my show,
"alcoholocaust."
10
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:18,944
Thank you for coming to my show,
"alcoholocaust."
fucking look at
11
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,512
"Alcoholocaust."
fucking look at
this big theater, man.
12
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,747
fucking look at
this big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.
13
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,048
This big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.
People who are watching this at
14
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,349
I appreciate you coming out.
People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a
15
00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:25,484
People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a
fucking Monday night, so i
16
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:26,785
Home might know that this is a
fucking Monday night, so i
appreciate how many people have
17
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:27,152
Fucking Monday night, so i
appreciate how many people have
come.
18
00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,388
Appreciate how many people have
come.
I realize that in this economy,
19
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,290
Come.
I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things such as
20
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:34,593
I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap
21
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,894
Tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap
for men.
22
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,964
Comedy shows aren't that cheap
for men.
For women, same price they've
23
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,065
For men.
For women, same price they've
always fucking been, aren't
24
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,433
For women, same price they've
always fucking been, aren't
they?
25
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,068
Always fucking been, aren't
they?
Women don't pay for things like
26
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:43,535
They?
Women don't pay for things like
this.
27
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,170
Women don't pay for things like
this.
There's women in this room have
28
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,705
This.
There's women in this room have
no fucking idea how much the
29
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,073
There's women in this room have
no fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.
30
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,409
No fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea!
31
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,610
Ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea!
Your husband came home, said,
32
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,678
No fucking idea!
Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing
33
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,046
Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing
Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
34
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:56,615
"Remember, we're seeing
Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
And now you're fucking here.
35
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,816
Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
And now you're fucking here.
Women don't pay.
36
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,818
And now you're fucking here.
Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of
37
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:00,452
Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.
38
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,689
Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.
39
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:05,057
Cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.
See, and i don't know if women
40
00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,258
To summarize, women are cunts.
See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost
41
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,327
See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost
money, you know?
42
00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,061
Even know that drinks cost
money, you know?
Ugly chicks know.
43
00:02:09,063 --> 00:02:10,095
Money, you know?
Ugly chicks know.
If you know that drinks cost
44
00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,196
Ugly chicks know.
If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly
45
00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:13,165
If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a
46
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,500
Money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a
good-Looking girl.
47
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,168
Bitch, but otherwise, you're a
good-Looking girl.
Good luck to you.
48
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,703
Good-Looking girl.
Good luck to you.
See, my birthday's on
49
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,738
Good luck to you.
See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my
50
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,907
See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday I'm buying some
51
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:24,176
Valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday I'm buying some
bitch dinner.
52
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,811
Fucking birthday I'm buying some
bitch dinner.
If i meet a nice girl and I'm in
53
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,513
Bitch dinner.
If i meet a nice girl and I'm in
a restaurant and the check comes
54
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,814
If i meet a nice girl and I'm in
a restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card
55
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,482
A restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card
down -- And she's a nice girl --
56
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,817
And i put the credit card
down -- And she's a nice girl --
She'll do the purse grab.
57
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,785
Down -- And she's a nice girl --
She'll do the purse grab.
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
58
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,821
She'll do the purse grab.
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give
59
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,623
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.
60
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,825
Okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.
Other arguments, she can keep
61
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,027
Up on that argument.
Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years, but
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00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,396
Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious
63
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,898
Going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious
about.
64
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,366
That one she's ever so gracious
about.
This is why i think I'd like
65
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,735
About.
This is why i think I'd like
to be gay.
66
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,370
This is why i think I'd like
to be gay.
I think gay would be a good move
67
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:51,904
To be gay.
I think gay would be a good move
for me.
68
00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,205
I think gay would be a good move
for me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
69
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,840
For me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.
70
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,742
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,
71
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,477
I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my
72
00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,044
I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my
face.
73
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,946
With tears streaming down my
face.
And as the jizz hit the back of
74
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,915
Face.
And as the jizz hit the back of
my throat, I'd be thinking of my
75
00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:04,650
And as the jizz hit the back of
my throat, I'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be
76
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,585
My throat, I'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be
worthwhile just so i could split
77
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,454
Happy place, but it'd be
worthwhile just so i could split
the occasional bill.
78
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:13,025
Worthwhile just so i could split
the occasional bill.
79
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,294
- The occasional bill.
- that's why gay guys are happy,
80
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,362
that's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are
81
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,464
That's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.
82
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:21,033
And that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.
Lesbians are fucking miserable
83
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,634
Fucking miserable.
Lesbians are fucking miserable
people 'cause they have to hang
84
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,902
Lesbians are fucking miserable
people 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.
85
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,370
People 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.
It must be fucking horrible.
86
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,972
Out with women all day.
It must be fucking horrible.
They must just be sitting there
87
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,640
It must be fucking horrible.
They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "I'm not gonna
88
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,609
They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "I'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.
89
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,277
At dinner, going, "I'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.
I've just worn my best plaid
90
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,779
Pay for this bitch.
I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.
91
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:35,314
I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a
92
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:40,819
Shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a
princess."
93
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,387
She better treat me like a
princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in
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00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,956
Princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in
the room -- And i assume there's
95
00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:45,524
Now, if there's any lesbians in
the room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your
96
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:49,261
The room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your
thing -- But if there is, I'd
97
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,129
Not, because laughter's not your
thing -- But if there is, I'd
like to apologize for that last
98
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:51,863
Thing -- But if there is, I'd
like to apologize for that last
joke.
99
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:54,533
Like to apologize for that last
joke.
But if you hate men so much,
100
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:57,603
Joke.
But if you hate men so much,
stop trying to look like them.
101
00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,371
But if you hate men so much,
stop trying to look like them.
You never see a Jew dressed as
102
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,873
Stop trying to look like them.
You never see a Jew dressed as
a Nazi.
103
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,042
You never see a Jew dressed as
a Nazi.
104
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:14,253
See, i did that joke in America.
I said lesbians have no sense of
humor and they're not fun or
105
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:14,953
I said lesbians have no sense of
humor and they're not fun or
whatever.
106
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,722
Humor and they're not fun or
whatever.
And these two lesbians stood up
107
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,457
Whatever.
And these two lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as
108
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,627
And these two lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.
109
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,296
And stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.
They're just not fun people.
110
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:26,031
If to prove my point.
They're just not fun people.
Gay guys are fun.
111
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,766
They're just not fun people.
Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you
112
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,166
Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you
are.
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00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,935
I don't care how homophobic you
are.
If you're holding a dinner party
114
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,670
Are.
If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up, you get
115
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,438
If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?
116
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,107
And a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?
You're like, "fucking a
117
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:35,807
A little bit excited, don't you?
You're like, "fucking a
gay guy.
118
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,676
You're like, "fucking a
gay guy.
Strap yourself in, love?
119
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,244
Gay guy.
Strap yourself in, love?
We got a live one."
120
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:39,611
Strap yourself in, love?
We got a live one."
Right?
121
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,813
We got a live one."
Right?
But if you're holding a dinner
122
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,982
Right?
But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,
123
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:47,319
But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.
124
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,554
Party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.
All i wanted to do was relax and
125
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:52,424
You're just like, "aw, fuck me.
All i wanted to do was relax and
play pictionary.
126
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,059
All i wanted to do was relax and
play pictionary.
She's drawing something
127
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:57,396
Play pictionary.
She's drawing something
political."
128
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,464
She's drawing something
political."
129
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,466
Political."
you can't even point lesbians
130
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,335
you can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking
131
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,102
You can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking
obvious.
132
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:06,204
Out, and they're so fucking
obvious.
They're so obvi-- But you can't
133
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,372
Obvious.
They're so obvi-- But you can't
point them out.
134
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:10,142
They're so obvi-- But you can't
point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --
135
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,543
Point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --
If i see like two lesbians in
136
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,045
If you saw, like, fucking --
If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,
137
00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,413
If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be
138
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,113
The audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be
like, "what?
139
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,114
Are you lesbians?" They'll be
like, "what?
What the fuck? What?
140
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,382
Like, "what?
What the fuck? What?
What do you mean by that?"
141
00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:18,250
What the fuck? What?
What do you mean by that?"
Right?
142
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:19,551
What do you mean by that?"
Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the
143
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,752
Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --
144
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:21,953
But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --
Are you gay guys?" They'll go
145
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:22,954
- Audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?
- " They'll go "guilty!"
146
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,424
Are you gay guys?" They'll go
"guilty!"
'cause gay guys
147
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,359
"- guilty!
- " 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay.
148
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:29,227
'cause gay guys fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from
149
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,028
Fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from
"happy."
150
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,331
The word "gay" comes from
"happy."
They like fucking men in the ass
151
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,633
"Happy."
They like fucking men in the ass
so much, they've called it
152
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:35,567
They like fucking men in the ass
so much, they've called it
"happy."
153
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,770
So much, they've called it
"happy."
I-I have been a heterosexual my
154
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:39,638
"Happy."
I-I have been a heterosexual my
whole life.
155
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,573
I-I have been a heterosexual my
whole life.
I would not call the experience
156
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:42,274
Whole life.
I would not call the experience
"happy."
157
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,142
I would not call the experience
"happy."
I would call it a struggle, at
158
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:48,347
"Happy."
I would call it a struggle, at
best.
159
00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:50,449
I would call it a struggle, at
best.
I'll tell you another reason why
160
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,351
Best.
I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay
161
00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:52,884
I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay
guy.
162
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,886
It must be awesome to be a gay
guy.
It must be wonderful to be in a
163
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,755
Guy.
It must be wonderful to be in a
relationship where, if you're
164
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,757
It must be wonderful to be in a
relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you
165
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:03,729
Relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you
can punch him in the head.
166
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,364
Partner's being a dickhead, you
can punch him in the head.
Hasn't that got to give your
167
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:06,798
Can punch him in the head.
Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new
168
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:07,532
Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new
dimension?
169
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,267
Relationship a whole new
dimension?
I can't tell you the amount of
170
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,969
Dimension?
I can't tell you the amount of
arguments I've had with women
171
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,738
I can't tell you the amount of
arguments I've had with women
that could have been sorted out
172
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:16,541
Arguments I've had with women
that could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.
173
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:20,746
That could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.
And while we're on the subject
174
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:24,449
Quicker with a punch.
And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence --
175
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,984
And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.
176
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,186
Of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is, and...
177
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:32,824
It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,
178
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,192
Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four
179
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,727
Now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four
times and she's like, "i guess i
180
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,162
Like, been married like four
times and she's like, "i guess i
just choose the wrong type of
181
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:37,562
Times and she's like, "i guess i
just choose the wrong type of
men"?
182
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,531
Just choose the wrong type of
men"?
"I've been married four times,
183
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,433
Men"?
"I've been married four times,
and all my husbands beat me."
184
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,368
"I've been married four times,
and all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?
185
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,169
And all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?
All four?
186
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,571
And you're like, "all of them?
All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?
187
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,106
All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?
188
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,274
One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to
189
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:52,177
They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
190
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:56,014
Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause I'm a tolerant man.
191
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,016
Shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause I'm a tolerant man.
I'll give anyone three, but
192
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,385
'Cause I'm a tolerant man.
I'll give anyone three, but
four?
193
00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:02,187
I'll give anyone three, but
four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
194
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:05,123
Four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Come on.
195
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,459
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to
196
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:13,198
Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.
197
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,766
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
198
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,201
Start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
a lot -- I do some gigs out in
199
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,736
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
a lot -- I do some gigs out in
Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff
200
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,304
A lot -- I do some gigs out in
Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff
like that, which, if i was in an
201
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,839
Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff
like that, which, if i was in an
American crowd right now, they'd
202
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,574
Like that, which, if i was in an
American crowd right now, they'd
go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
203
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,009
American crowd right now, they'd
go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
But I'm not, so i can be honest
204
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:24,543
Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
But I'm not, so i can be honest
with you.
205
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,410
But I'm not, so i can be honest
with you.
I do it for money.
206
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:30,315
With you.
I do it for money.
Um, the first time --
207
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,918
I do it for money.
Um, the first time --
Over there it's like I'm king.
208
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,686
Um, the first time --
Over there it's like I'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in
209
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,488
Over there it's like I'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in
Iraq, they fly me and my manager
210
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:37,923
The first time i go do a gig in
Iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into
211
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:38,490
Iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into
Kuwait.
212
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,692
In a passenger plane into
Kuwait.
Now, it turns out that Kuwait is
213
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,761
Kuwait.
Now, it turns out that Kuwait is
a regular country that anyone
214
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,464
Now, it turns out that Kuwait is
a regular country that anyone
can visit.
215
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,499
A regular country that anyone
can visit.
Then a military truck gets me
216
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,501
Can visit.
Then a military truck gets me
and my manager and drives us
217
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,703
Then a military truck gets me
and my manager and drives us
over the border into Iraq and
218
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:52,771
And my manager and drives us
over the border into Iraq and
drops us off.
219
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,306
Over the border into Iraq and
drops us off.
And we're standing in the middle
220
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,574
Drops us off.
And we're standing in the middle
of the desert of a war-Torn
221
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:56,107
And we're standing in the middle
of the desert of a war-Torn
country.
222
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,409
Of the desert of a war-Torn
country.
We can't see anything on the
223
00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:57,943
Country.
We can't see anything on the
horizon.
224
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,411
We can't see anything on the
horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,
225
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:04,282
Horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,
"good booking, fuckface."
226
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,218
And i turn to my manager and go,
"good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes
227
00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,253
"Good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes
in over the horizon and lands in
228
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,222
And then this helicopter comes
in over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are
229
00:08:10,224 --> 00:08:11,156
In over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are
still going.
230
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,024
Front of us, and the blades are
still going.
And this soldier runs off and
231
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,259
Still going.
And this soldier runs off and
goes, "excuse me!
232
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,794
And this soldier runs off and
goes, "excuse me!
Are you Jim jefferies?"
233
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,429
Goes, "excuse me!
Are you Jim jefferies?"
And i went, "what other white
234
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:19,197
Are you Jim jefferies?"
And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the
235
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:25,136
And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"
236
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,805
Cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"
Then he hands me my bulletproof
237
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:27,906
Desert at this exact location?"
Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.
238
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,341
Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his
239
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,042
Vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.
240
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,844
He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.
241
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,614
Bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.
Mine?
242
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,250
His are camouflaged.
Mine?
Fucking blue.
243
00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:39,551
Mine?
Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a
244
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,619
Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"
245
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,953
And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy
246
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,121
Blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."
247
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,489
He said, "that's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give
248
00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,258
Know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give
a shit?
249
00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:47,893
I'm like, "does the enemy give
a shit?
That's my main concern, because
250
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,327
A shit?
That's my main concern, because
I've never been a sniper."
251
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,829
That's my main concern, because
I've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the
252
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,497
I've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the
helicopter, i was surrounded by
253
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:53,798
But every time i got off the
helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.
254
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,467
Helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.
If i was a sniper, I'd be like,
255
00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:56,768
Soldiers protecting me.
If i was a sniper, I'd be like,
"the cunt in blue looks
256
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:57,502
If i was a sniper, I'd be like,
"the cunt in blue looks
important."
257
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:57,969
"The cunt in blue looks
important."
Right?
258
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:02,240
Important."
Right?
So...we got in this helicopter.
259
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,543
Right?
So...we got in this helicopter.
260
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,011
So...we got in this helicopter.
and we're sitting in this
261
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:06,645
and we're sitting in this
chopper.
262
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,346
And we're sitting in this
chopper.
That's what we call them in the
263
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,414
Chopper.
That's what we call them in the
biz -- "Chopper."
264
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:10,315
That's what we call them in the
biz -- "Chopper."
And I'm sitting here.
265
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,516
Biz -- "Chopper."
And I'm sitting here.
And i got two soldiers sitting
266
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:12,651
And I'm sitting here.
And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,
267
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:13,552
And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,
Brett, sitting there.
268
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:14,619
Next to me there, my manager,
Brett, sitting there.
He's got two soldiers sitting
269
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:15,186
Brett, sitting there.
He's got two soldiers sitting
next to him.
270
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,187
He's got two soldiers sitting
next to him.
There's two soldiers in the
271
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:16,755
Next to him.
There's two soldiers in the
cockpit.
272
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,290
There's two soldiers in the
cockpit.
There's a great big door open
273
00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:19,791
Cockpit.
There's a great big door open
next to me there, and there's
274
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,393
There's a great big door open
next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at
275
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,894
Next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at
that door is a soldier with a
276
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,797
Another door open there, and at
that door is a soldier with a
great big gun on a hinge, with
277
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,198
That door is a soldier with a
great big gun on a hinge, with
bullets coming out of it like
278
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,700
Great big gun on a hinge, with
bullets coming out of it like
that thing that Chewbacca wears.
279
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:32,837
Bullets coming out of it like
that thing that Chewbacca wears.
And we take off, and off we go
280
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:33,738
That thing that Chewbacca wears.
And we take off, and off we go
to Baghdad.
281
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,707
And we take off, and off we go
to Baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the
282
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,776
To Baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the
city, i hear a great big "bang!"
283
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,444
And as we hit the border of the
city, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot
284
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,046
City, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot
out from the small wings of the
285
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,647
And these two small flares shoot
out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail
286
00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:43,281
Out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail
of smoke.
287
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,516
Helicopter, followed by a trail
of smoke.
And the helicopter goes,
288
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,985
Of smoke.
And the helicopter goes,
"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
289
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,453
And the helicopter goes,
"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,
290
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:49,788
"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger
291
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,222
Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking
292
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,657
When they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking
missile, it'll be distracted by
293
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:53,758
Area, if there's a heat-Seeking
missile, it'll be distracted by
the flares, and then the
294
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,026
Missile, it'll be distracted by
the flares, and then the
helicopter will fly out of
295
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,861
The flares, and then the
helicopter will fly out of
range -- Very clever.
296
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:59,197
Helicopter will fly out of
range -- Very clever.
Now...
297
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:02,834
Range -- Very clever.
Now...
they never told me this was
298
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:03,335
Now...
they never told me this was
happening.
299
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:05,070
They never told me this was
happening.
As far as I'm concerned, the
300
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:08,406
Happening.
As far as I'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded and
301
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,975
As far as I'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our
302
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:12,210
Wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our
death, but it's nice to know how
303
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,179
We're now plummeting to our
death, but it's nice to know how
you react under pressure,
304
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,448
Death, but it's nice to know how
you react under pressure,
because i reacted thusly -- By
305
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,383
You react under pressure,
because i reacted thusly -- By
vomiting over my lovely blue
306
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,552
Because i reacted thusly -- By
vomiting over my lovely blue
vest, ironically making it more
307
00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:24,322
Vomiting over my lovely blue
vest, ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,
308
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,991
Vest, ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,
and yelling out, "we're going
309
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,792
Camouflage than it was before,
and yelling out, "we're going
down!"
310
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,661
And yelling out, "we're going
down!"
The two pilots, the sergeants,
311
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,429
Down!"
The two pilots, the sergeants,
the gunner -- They all start
312
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,231
The two pilots, the sergeants,
the gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.
313
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,833
The gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.
They're reaching through.
314
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,768
Pissing themselves, laughing.
They're reaching through.
They're high-Fiving each other.
315
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,136
They're reaching through.
They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.
316
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,738
They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this
317
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,739
They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this
joke for months.
318
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,374
They've been waiting for this
joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
319
00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,009
Joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
going, "you, that was a good
320
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:44,476
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
going, "you, that was a good
one.
321
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:45,877
Going, "you, that was a good
one.
Thank you for defending my
322
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:46,511
One.
Thank you for defending my
freedom."
323
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:49,881
Thank you for defending my
freedom."
Right?
324
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,516
Freedom."
Right?
So, i sit back down, covered in
325
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,884
Right?
So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --
326
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:53,385
So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --""
327
00:10:53,387 --> 00:10:54,919
Vomit in the helicopter --
""
And so I'm trying to look out
328
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:56,388
""
And so I'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease
329
00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:56,955
And so I'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease
myself.
330
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,423
The door to try to un-Quease
myself.
And I'm looking out over the
331
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,025
Myself.
And I'm looking out over the
ground, over Baghdad -- By the
332
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,526
And I'm looking out over the
ground, over Baghdad -- By the
way, Baghdad, beautiful city,
333
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:06,031
Ground, over Baghdad -- By the
way, Baghdad, beautiful city,
untouched -- And i look out on
334
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,932
Way, Baghdad, beautiful city,
untouched -- And i look out on
the ground, and i see a little
335
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:09,701
Untouched -- And i look out on
the ground, and i see a little
Arab fellow with a handgun
336
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,636
The ground, and i see a little
Arab fellow with a handgun
shooting up at the helicopter,
337
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,371
Arab fellow with a handgun
shooting up at the helicopter,
just --
338
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,806
Shooting up at the helicopter,
just --
once again, i freak out.
339
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,676
Just -- once again, i freak out.
"We're being fired on!"
340
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,210
Once again, i freak out.
"We're being fired on!"
The gunner now is laughing so
341
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,011
"We're being fired on!"
The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.
342
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,546
The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than
343
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:22,447
Fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than
he was before.
344
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,848
He's laughing even harder than
he was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's
345
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:24,649
He was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's
keeled over.
346
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,217
He's laughing so hard, he's
keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in
347
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,819
Keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in
the hinge.
348
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,454
The gun's just dangling out in
the hinge.
And I'm like, "what's your
349
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:30,855
The hinge.
And I'm like, "what's your
fucking problem, man?"
350
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,490
And I'm like, "what's your
fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "Jim, you're
351
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,359
Fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "Jim, you're
gonna have to calm down, mate.
352
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,594
And he's like, "Jim, you're
gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter
353
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,596
Gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.
354
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,499
We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.
355
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,600
With a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets
356
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:43,401
That's a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.
357
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,302
We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --
358
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,771
Can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --"
359
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,206
They just sort of go --
and then i jokingly said,
360
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,841
and then i jokingly said,
"i bet our bullets
361
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:50,775
And then i jokingly said,
"i bet our bullets
can reach him."
362
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:52,143
"i bet our bullets
can reach him."
And he went, "yeah."
363
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,412
Can reach him."
And he went, "yeah."
364
00:11:54,414 --> 00:12:17,435
And the little cunt died.
And -- And i was like,
365
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,238
And -- And i was like,
i was just saying, mate.
366
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,707
"i was just saying, mate.
I was just saying.
367
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,142
I was just saying, mate.
I was just saying.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's
368
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,944
I was just saying.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."
369
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,412
I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."
370
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,980
Day."
isn't that a fun story about a
371
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:32,584
isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?
372
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:33,885
Isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?
It's funny, though.
373
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:37,889
Man dying?
It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,
374
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,524
It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see
375
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,959
My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.
376
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,628
I really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.
They were very nice to me.
377
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,130
What all the bad stuff was.
They were very nice to me.
But this was kind of crazy to
378
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,331
They were very nice to me.
But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,
379
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,799
But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna
380
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:48,600
Me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna
talk about it.
381
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,702
Historically, how we're gonna
talk about it.
See, like, my grandfather --
382
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,771
Talk about it.
See, like, my grandfather --
He fought during the second
383
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,140
See, like, my grandfather --
He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly
384
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,908
He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.
385
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,443
World war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.
No, no, for the Australians.
386
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,711
Enough.
No, no, for the Australians.
He killed a lot of Japanese --
387
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,980
No, no, for the Australians.
He killed a lot of Japanese --
Hated them till he died.
388
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,348
He killed a lot of Japanese --
Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the
389
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,316
Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.
390
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,085
"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.
What a complex man.
391
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:10,622
People," he used to say.
What a complex man.
And...
392
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,191
What a complex man.
And...
i used to love listening -- When
393
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,059
And...
i used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him
394
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,728
I used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him
tell stories about killing
395
00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:17,362
I was a kid, listening to him
tell stories about killing
Nazis.
396
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,063
Tell stories about killing
Nazis.
There was always something
397
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:20,832
Nazis.
There was always something
exciting about it, you know?
398
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,834
There was always something
exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would
399
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,736
Exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would
tell my grandson about what's
400
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,437
I just don't know what i would
tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.
401
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,473
Tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
402
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,542
Happening in history now.
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
i'll be sitting in my chair, and
403
00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,277
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
i'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the
404
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,845
I'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me
405
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,113
My grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me
adoringly.
406
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:40,885
Floor, looking up at me
adoringly.
And i'll go, "now, there used to
407
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:45,089
Adoringly.
And i'll go, "now, there used to
be these people called Arabs.
408
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:46,024
And i'll go, "now, there used to
be these people called Arabs.
And they lived in the
409
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,626
Be these people called Arabs.
And they lived in the
middle east, or, as you call it,
410
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:53,531
And they lived in the
middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.
411
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,933
Middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.
In 2020,
412
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:59,070
The radiation zone.
In 2020,
president Macaulay culkin got
413
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,705
In 2020,
president Macaulay culkin got
really upset with the Arabs, and
414
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,440
President Macaulay culkin got
really upset with the Arabs, and
he nuked them all.
415
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,309
Really upset with the Arabs, and
he nuked them all.
But what Macaulay culkin and the
416
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,944
He nuked them all.
But what Macaulay culkin and the
rest of the Americans hadn't
417
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,545
But what Macaulay culkin and the
rest of the Americans hadn't
realized was that china had
418
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,180
Rest of the Americans hadn't
realized was that china had
slowly but surely become the
419
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,648
Realized was that china had
slowly but surely become the
superpower of the world.
420
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,483
Slowly but surely become the
superpower of the world.
So, while the Americans were
421
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,385
Superpower of the world.
So, while the Americans were
nuking the Arabs, the Chinese
422
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,421
So, while the Americans were
nuking the Arabs, the Chinese
nuked the Americans, and that's
423
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,423
Nuking the Arabs, the Chinese
nuked the Americans, and that's
why we have no Americans and no
424
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,158
Nuked the Americans, and that's
why we have no Americans and no
Arabs."
425
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,492
Why we have no Americans and no
Arabs."
And then my grandson will look
426
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,495
Arabs."
And then my grandson will look
up at me and go...
427
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,764
And then my grandson will look
up at me and go...
"mashaba awa."
428
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:39,444
you know what i like about that
429
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:39,944
you know what i like about that
joke?
430
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,746
You know what i like about that
joke?
It has the feel of racism, but
431
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:46,284
Joke?
It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.
432
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,253
It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.
433
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:51,956
You can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.
434
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,825
Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject
435
00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:56,828
It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject
quickly.
436
00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:58,730
So, let's change the subject
quickly.
How do blind people wipe their
437
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:02,100
Quickly.
How do blind people wipe their
asses?
438
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,701
How do blind people wipe their
asses?
I know you're thinking, "the
439
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,336
Asses?
I know you're thinking, "the
same as us," but you're not
440
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,206
I know you're thinking, "the
same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause
441
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,608
Same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause
wiping your ass is a very visual
442
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,410
Thinking outside the box, 'cause
wiping your ass is a very visual
activity.
443
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,479
Wiping your ass is a very visual
activity.
No one's ever just leant up,
444
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,514
Activity.
No one's ever just leant up,
wiped, then dropped into the
445
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,716
No one's ever just leant up,
wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.
446
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,819
Wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.
You wipe. You check.
447
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,254
Bowl.
You wipe. You check.
"There's a lot of poo there.
448
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,391
You wipe. You check.
"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.
449
00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:29,994
"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.
450
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,729
I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's
451
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:34,632
There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's
still poo.
452
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:38,836
It feels dry, but there's
still poo.
I think i left one up there."
453
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,605
Still poo.
I think i left one up there."
I bet that's where the dog comes
454
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,339
I think i left one up there."
I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.
455
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,507
I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.
456
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,042
In handy.
457
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,276
No!
458
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,879
No!
No, don't --
459
00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:49,714
No!
No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks
460
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,817
No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!
461
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,185
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very
462
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,120
The blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.
463
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:57,889
I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some
464
00:15:57,891 --> 00:16:01,626
Intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some
form of barking system.
465
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,961
They would have worked out some
form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the
466
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:08,566
Form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.
467
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:13,838
So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."
468
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,308
Dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."
"Woof woof."
469
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,243
"Woof woof woof."
"Woof woof."
"Woof."
470
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:35,360
And they'd probably work out
some special Morse code-Y bark
for when there's blood in the
471
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:41,032
Some special Morse code-Y bark
for when there's blood in the
poo.
472
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,533
For when there's blood in the
poo.
No, 'cause they've already been
473
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:43,601
Poo.
No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.
474
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:44,402
No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.
They're blind.
475
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:47,905
Through a rough time.
They're blind.
No need for ass cancer.
476
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,774
They're blind.
No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means
477
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:50,708
No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means
ass cancer.
478
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,810
Not that blood always means
ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
479
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,912
Ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
done since i was 22 years old.
480
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,314
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get
481
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,648
Done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get
hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
482
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,516
And it's a very young age to get
hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.
483
00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,984
Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.
If you've never had one, there's
484
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,352
Of blood involved.
If you've never had one, there's
a lot of blood involved in a bad
485
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:01,953
If you've never had one, there's
a lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.
486
00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:04,055
A lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.
I've had toilet bowls that look
487
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:07,859
Hemorrhoid.
I've had toilet bowls that look
like abortions.
488
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,094
I've had toilet bowls that look
like abortions.
Now, I'm not -- It's not good.
489
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,629
Like abortions.
Now, I'm not -- It's not good.
And the first time, when you're
490
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,097
Now, I'm not -- It's not good.
And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain
491
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:14,098
And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.
492
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,500
22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "i got ass
493
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,868
Goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "i got ass
cancer," because no one ever
494
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,336
You're like, "i got ass
cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when
495
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,070
Cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when
you're young.
496
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,638
Told you about hemorrhoids when
you're young.
Your dad never sits you down and
497
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,508
You're young.
Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "when you get a bit older,
498
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,843
Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little
499
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,146
Goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little
bit hard, and a small portion of
500
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:31,916
You'll be pushing a poo a little
bit hard, and a small portion of
your asshole will fall out.
501
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:35,753
Bit hard, and a small portion of
your asshole will fall out.
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
502
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:36,988
Your asshole will fall out.
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
about.
503
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,456
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
about.
It's just part of becoming a
504
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:42,193
About.
It's just part of becoming a
man."
505
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,461
It's just part of becoming a
man."
So, the first time i got a
506
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:44,929
man."
So, the first time i got a
hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
507
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,297
So, the first time i got a
hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,
508
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:46,931
Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,
obviously.
509
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,366
'Cause i thought i was dying,
obviously.
And i go to see my doctor, the
510
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:49,667
Obviously.
And i go to see my doctor, the
same doctor that I've had my
511
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,102
And i go to see my doctor, the
same doctor that I've had my
whole life, and he makes me --
512
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,371
Same doctor that I've had my
whole life, and he makes me --
I go, "i got ass cancer."
513
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,007
Whole life, and he makes me --
I go, "i got ass cancer."
And he makes me bend over a
514
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:56,941
I go, "i got ass cancer."
And he makes me bend over a
chair.
515
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,576
And he makes me bend over a
chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove
516
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,178
Chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove
on, and he sort of prods around
517
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,279
And then he gets a rubber glove
on, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.
518
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,747
On, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.
And he goes, "you've just
519
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,015
My ass a little bit.
And he goes, "you've just
got hemorrhoids there."
520
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,650
And he goes, "you've just
got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only
521
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,018
Got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only
happens to old people and
522
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:07,952
And i said, "i thought that only
happens to old people and
pregnant women."
523
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,088
Happens to old people and
pregnant women."
And he went, "and you."
524
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:27,371
So, i live in America now, and
i --
525
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:29,373
I --
526
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:30,675
people get so entertained by
527
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,143
people get so entertained by
that, but where else am i gonna
528
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,412
People get so entertained by
that, but where else am i gonna
put them?
529
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:35,746
That, but where else am i gonna
put them?
We'll put that away for
530
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,215
Put them?
We'll put that away for
continuity, in case they cut
531
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:44,055
We'll put that away for
continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.
532
00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:44,655
Continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.
There we go.
533
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:45,523
The jokes up differently.
There we go.
That's a bit of a --
534
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:46,657
There we go.
That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people
535
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,859
That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,
536
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:49,127
'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,
"that beer went like
537
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:50,394
That are sitting at home, going,
"that beer went like
that, then it it went like that,
538
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:54,765
"that beer went like
that, then it it went like that,
then it went like that."
539
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:59,103
That, then it it went like that,
then it went like that."
Fucking nerds.
540
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:00,338
Then it went like that."
Fucking nerds.
So, i live in America, and it
541
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,606
Fucking nerds.
So, i live in America, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in
542
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,440
So, i live in America, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in
America now, man.
543
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,975
Fucking blows my mind i live in
America now, man.
I -- Coming from Australia and
544
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,576
America now, man.
I -- Coming from Australia and
everything, i never thought I'd
545
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:06,978
I -- Coming from Australia and
everything, i never thought I'd
sort of go this far with my
546
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,079
Everything, i never thought I'd
sort of go this far with my
career or anything.
547
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:09,814
Sort of go this far with my
career or anything.
And i find myself -- Now I'm out
548
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,315
Career or anything.
And i find myself -- Now I'm out
there auditioning for major
549
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,517
And i find myself -- Now I'm out
there auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.
550
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,886
There auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.
And i still feel retarded every
551
00:19:14,888 --> 00:19:16,454
Movies and shit, man.
And i still feel retarded every
time i go in there.
552
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,122
And i still feel retarded every
time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for
553
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,724
Time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for
an audition, I'd been in l.A.
554
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,025
Now, the first time i went for
an audition, I'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.
555
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,627
An audition, I'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.
And my agency sent me to this
556
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,328
For like a couple days.
And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i
557
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,963
And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor
558
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:26,797
Audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor
called Carla.
559
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:27,798
Met this girl in the corridor
called Carla.
And i was really nervous, and
560
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:28,866
Called Carla.
And i was really nervous, and
she could tell i was nervous.
561
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:29,901
And i was really nervous, and
she could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down
562
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:30,902
She could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a
563
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:31,936
And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,
564
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,738
And we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and
565
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:34,372
Chat and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and
stuff.
566
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,240
And we flirted together and
stuff.
And then i went and read the
567
00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:38,042
Stuff.
And then i went and read the
little bit, and then i went
568
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:38,609
And then i went and read the
little bit, and then i went
home.
569
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:39,810
Little bit, and then i went
home.
And then i got a call later on
570
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:40,945
Home.
And then i got a call later on
that afternoon, going, "they
571
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:41,879
And then i got a call later on
that afternoon, going, "they
loved you.
572
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:42,914
That afternoon, going, "they
loved you.
You're gonna come back for a
573
00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:43,414
Loved you.
You're gonna come back for a
callback."
574
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,315
You're gonna come back for a
callback."
So I'm like, "excellent.
575
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:44,949
Callback."
So I'm like, "excellent.
That's good.
576
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,284
So I'm like, "excellent.
That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,
577
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:47,652
That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often
578
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:48,819
So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with
579
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:49,520
And when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with
another person.
580
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,788
They have you reading with
another person.
So, I'm in the room, reading
581
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:51,989
Another person.
So, I'm in the room, reading
with this girl, and it's the
582
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,224
So, I'm in the room, reading
with this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.
583
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,091
With this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.
It's Carla, right?
584
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:55,259
Same girl from the corridor.
It's Carla, right?
And we're sort of flirting,
585
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:56,460
It's Carla, right?
And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing
586
00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:57,628
And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing
before -- "
587
00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,565
Going, "hey, from the thing
before -- "
And so we're reading.
588
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,666
Before -- "
And so we're reading.
We have great on-Screen
589
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,000
And so we're reading.
We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of
590
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:03,367
We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of
stuff.
591
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,902
Chemistry and all that type of
stuff.
Then after the audition, i said,
592
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,404
Stuff.
Then after the audition, i said,
"Carla, do you have any taxicab
593
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:06,938
Then after the audition, i said,
"Carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?
594
00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,072
"Carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?
I got to get to my next
595
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:08,673
Numbers?
I got to get to my next
audition."
596
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,141
I got to get to my next
audition."
She said, "where are you trying
597
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:10,808
Audition."
She said, "where are you trying
to get to?"
598
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,109
She said, "where are you trying
to get to?"
And i went, "Santa Monica."
599
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,611
To get to?"
And i went, "Santa Monica."
And she said, "that's where I'm
600
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:14,045
And i went, "Santa Monica."
And she said, "that's where I'm
going.
601
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,746
And she said, "that's where I'm
going.
I'll give you a lift."
602
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,648
Going.
I'll give you a lift."
Now, please note at this stage
603
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,517
I'll give you a lift."
Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for
604
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:20,851
Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.
605
00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,087
Of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.
We go down to the car.
606
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,655
The lift.
We go down to the car.
She gets in.
607
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,557
We go down to the car.
She gets in.
She unwinds my window.
608
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,259
She gets in.
She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "Jim,
609
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,627
She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "Jim,
what's your full name?"
610
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,629
She looks out and goes, "Jim,
what's your full name?"
And i went, "Jim jefferies."
611
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,231
What's your full name?"
And i went, "Jim jefferies."
And she went, "wait there."
612
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,799
And i went, "Jim jefferies."
And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and
613
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,267
And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's Carla."
614
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,935
Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's Carla."
I just met a very nice boy at
615
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,604
Said, "hi, mom. It's Carla."
I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and I'm
616
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,105
I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and I'm
going to give him a lift.
617
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,673
The audition today, and I'm
going to give him a lift.
But in case i get raped or
618
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:46,310
Going to give him a lift.
But in case i get raped or
murdered, his name's
619
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,445
But in case i get raped or
murdered, his name's
Jim jefferies.
620
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,180
Murdered, his name's
Jim jefferies.
So if you don't hear from me in
621
00:20:49,182 --> 00:20:50,848
Jim jefferies.
So if you don't hear from me in
an hour, assume something bad
622
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:54,385
So if you don't hear from me in
an hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.
623
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,888
An hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.
Get it, Jim!"
624
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,357
Has happened and call the cops.
Get it, Jim!"
So i get in.
625
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,459
Get it, Jim!"
So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
626
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,661
So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the
627
00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:05,062
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.
628
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:06,664
I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.
I just look forward.
629
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:09,033
First 5 miles.
I just look forward.
And eventually i turn to her and
630
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,235
I just look forward.
And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape
631
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,438
And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."
632
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,175
Go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."
She fucking freaks out!
633
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,610
Really awkward."
She fucking freaks out!
She slams her foot on the
634
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,177
She fucking freaks out!
She slams her foot on the
brakes.
635
00:21:20,179 --> 00:21:21,646
She slams her foot on the
brakes.
She skids off the highway.
636
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,114
Brakes.
She skids off the highway.
She starts slapping at me.
637
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,515
She skids off the highway.
She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.
638
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,117
She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
639
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,619
I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.
640
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,021
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the
641
00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:31,155
I didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the
lift!
642
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,790
And it's like, "you offered the
lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking
643
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,791
Lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking
lift!
644
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,326
I didn't ask for the fucking
lift!
You seem more concerned in
645
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:36,727
Lift!
You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than
646
00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:41,966
You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than
preventing it."
647
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,567
Solving this crime than
preventing it."
So, i raped her to teach her a
648
00:21:43,569 --> 00:21:45,736
Preventing it."
So, i raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...
649
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:49,073
So, i raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...
650
00:21:49,075 --> 00:21:54,745
- Lesson, 'cause...
- ...how else would she learn?
651
00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,113
...how else would she learn?
We're trying to sell this show
652
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:57,048
...how else would she learn?
We're trying to sell this show
to the Americans.
653
00:21:57,050 --> 00:22:01,519
We're trying to sell this show
to the Americans.
I don't like our chances.
654
00:22:01,521 --> 00:22:03,120
To the Americans.
I don't like our chances.
So, let's do something we can
655
00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:08,025
I don't like our chances.
So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.
656
00:22:08,027 --> 00:22:09,760
So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.
Sometimes when I'm fucking a
657
00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:13,731
All enjoy.
Sometimes when I'm fucking a
chick, i go to fuck them again
658
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:15,032
Sometimes when I'm fucking a
chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say
659
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:17,301
Chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say
something like this --
660
00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:23,941
In the morning, and they'll say
something like this --
"No.
661
00:22:23,943 --> 00:22:26,177
Something like this --
"No.
When we fucked last night, it
662
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,379
"No.
When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now
663
00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:30,648
When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now
I'm sore."
664
00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:33,417
Was a little bit dry, and now
I'm sore."
Now, to any woman who's said
665
00:22:33,419 --> 00:22:35,586
I'm sore."
Now, to any woman who's said
something similar to this, may i
666
00:22:35,588 --> 00:22:40,224
Now, to any woman who's said
something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.
667
00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:43,227
Something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.
My job was to get an erection.
668
00:22:43,229 --> 00:22:44,962
Say, "your problem.
My job was to get an erection.
Your job was to get your hole
669
00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:46,964
My job was to get an erection.
Your job was to get your hole
wet.
670
00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:49,567
Your job was to get your hole
wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?
671
00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:54,372
Wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?
We both had things to do"?
672
00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:58,242
Didn't you get your hole wet?
We both had things to do"?
See...
673
00:22:58,244 --> 00:22:59,877
We both had things to do"?
See...
if i don't get an erection
674
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,779
See...
if i don't get an erection
during sex, I'm called impotent.
675
00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:04,715
If i don't get an erection
during sex, I'm called impotent.
But a dry hole is the same as a
676
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:06,250
During sex, I'm called impotent.
But a dry hole is the same as a
flaccid penis.
677
00:23:06,252 --> 00:23:09,120
But a dry hole is the same as a
flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole
678
00:23:09,122 --> 00:23:10,788
Flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole
and you're not a complete woman
679
00:23:10,790 --> 00:23:12,390
A dry hole is an impotent hole
and you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of
680
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:13,057
And you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of
yourself.
681
00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:18,529
And you should be ashamed of
yourself.
682
00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,798
- Yourself.
- but women don't take
683
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,067
but women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.
684
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,668
But women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.
If i go to fuck a chick tonight
685
00:23:24,670 --> 00:23:26,137
Responsibility for the dry hole.
If i go to fuck a chick tonight
and i get too drunk, which i
686
00:23:26,139 --> 00:23:27,805
If i go to fuck a chick tonight
and i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick
687
00:23:27,807 --> 00:23:29,306
And i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick
and i don't get an erection,
688
00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:30,808
Will -- And i go to fuck a chick
and i don't get an erection,
she'll go back to her friends
689
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:32,443
And i don't get an erection,
she'll go back to her friends
and go, "i went to fuck that
690
00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:33,344
She'll go back to her friends
and go, "i went to fuck that
Jim jefferies.
691
00:23:33,346 --> 00:23:34,879
And go, "i went to fuck that
Jim jefferies.
He couldn't get an erection."
692
00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:36,447
Jim jefferies.
He couldn't get an erection."
But if i go to fuck a chick and
693
00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:37,982
He couldn't get an erection."
But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go
694
00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:39,450
But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,
695
00:23:39,452 --> 00:23:41,585
She doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,
"i fucked Jim jefferies.
696
00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:45,456
Back to her friends and go,
"i fucked Jim jefferies.
He didn't even get me wet."
697
00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:47,691
"I fucked Jim jefferies.
He didn't even get me wet."
Do you see the problem there?
698
00:23:47,693 --> 00:23:50,995
He didn't even get me wet."
Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.
699
00:23:50,997 --> 00:23:53,464
Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this
700
00:23:53,466 --> 00:23:54,899
I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.
701
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:58,736
It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she
702
00:23:58,738 --> 00:23:59,970
Chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she
sent me a text -- Well, you
703
00:23:59,972 --> 00:24:01,071
I start fucking her, and she
sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling
704
00:24:01,073 --> 00:24:02,373
Sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling
her, you know, just ignored her.
705
00:24:02,375 --> 00:24:04,508
Know, i just stopped calling
her, you know, just ignored her.
And she sent me a text message
706
00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:06,610
Her, you know, just ignored her.
And she sent me a text message
a month later that went, "
707
00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:09,079
And she sent me a text message
a month later that went, "
by the way, you never made me
708
00:24:09,081 --> 00:24:09,880
A month later that went, "
by the way, you never made me
come."
709
00:24:09,882 --> 00:24:13,083
By the way, you never made me
come."
And i was like, "pfft, really?
710
00:24:13,085 --> 00:24:14,351
Come."
And i was like, "pfft, really?
You think you're the one who
711
00:24:14,353 --> 00:24:17,822
And i was like, "pfft, really?
You think you're the one who
makes me come?
712
00:24:17,824 --> 00:24:19,423
You think you're the one who
makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes
713
00:24:19,425 --> 00:24:20,057
Makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes
me come?
714
00:24:20,059 --> 00:24:21,158
Do you want to know who makes
me come?
I make me come!
715
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,927
Me come?
I make me come!
All the horrible thoughts i
716
00:24:22,929 --> 00:24:24,829
I make me come!
All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes
717
00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:25,563
All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes
me come!
718
00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:27,264
Have in my fucking head makes
me come!
You have very little to do
719
00:24:27,266 --> 00:24:27,998
Me come!
You have very little to do
with it.
720
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,733
You have very little to do
with it.
You're just the container i
721
00:24:29,735 --> 00:24:32,703
With it.
You're just the container i
shoot it into."
722
00:24:32,705 --> 00:24:37,808
You're just the container i
shoot it into."
723
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:39,543
Shoot it into."
but let's go back to the dry
724
00:24:39,545 --> 00:24:42,680
but let's go back to the dry
cunt.
725
00:24:42,682 --> 00:24:44,081
But let's go back to the dry
cunt.
There are women in the room who
726
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:45,449
Cunt.
There are women in the room who
are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
727
00:24:45,451 --> 00:24:46,684
There are women in the room who
are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of
728
00:24:46,686 --> 00:24:48,385
Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of
foreplay."
729
00:24:48,387 --> 00:24:50,454
Be dry if there was a bit of
foreplay."
Let's explain foreplay.
730
00:24:50,456 --> 00:24:52,289
Foreplay."
Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each
731
00:24:52,291 --> 00:24:54,024
Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready
732
00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:54,725
Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready
for sex.
733
00:24:54,727 --> 00:24:58,195
Other to get each other ready
for sex.
If i have an erection, that
734
00:24:58,197 --> 00:25:01,398
For sex.
If i have an erection, that
means I'm ready for sex and
735
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,301
If i have an erection, that
means I'm ready for sex and
I'm all foreplayed out.
736
00:25:04,303 --> 00:25:05,669
Means I'm ready for sex and
I'm all foreplayed out.
Now, the foreplay that's
737
00:25:05,671 --> 00:25:07,404
I'm all foreplayed out.
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman goes like
738
00:25:07,406 --> 00:25:10,441
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by
739
00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:12,243
Necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by
kissing them.
740
00:25:12,245 --> 00:25:14,311
This -- You got to start by
kissing them.
Women love kissing.
741
00:25:14,313 --> 00:25:15,779
Kissing them.
Women love kissing.
Men don't give a shit about
742
00:25:15,781 --> 00:25:17,214
Women love kissing.
Men don't give a shit about
kissing.
743
00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:19,183
Men don't give a shit about
kissing.
We kiss you because we like you
744
00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:20,951
Kissing.
We kiss you because we like you
and -- Let's be honest -- We
745
00:25:20,953 --> 00:25:26,290
We kiss you because we like you
and -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.
746
00:25:26,292 --> 00:25:28,392
And -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.
Men don't give a fuck about
747
00:25:28,394 --> 00:25:29,260
Spoil you.
Men don't give a fuck about
kissing.
748
00:25:29,262 --> 00:25:31,362
Men don't give a fuck about
kissing.
Used to like kissing when we
749
00:25:31,364 --> 00:25:33,230
Kissing.
Used to like kissing when we
were in our early teens.
750
00:25:33,232 --> 00:25:36,867
Used to like kissing when we
were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.
751
00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:39,236
Were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.
And then, "what's this kissing
752
00:25:39,238 --> 00:25:39,970
Then someone sucked our dick.
And then, "what's this kissing
thing?
753
00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:41,772
And then, "what's this kissing
thing?
Why am i kissing this person?
754
00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:43,674
Thing?
Why am i kissing this person?
Why would i ride on the swings?
755
00:25:43,676 --> 00:25:45,009
Why am i kissing this person?
Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to
756
00:25:45,011 --> 00:25:50,114
Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to
Disneyland."
757
00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:51,715
I've already been to
Disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like
758
00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,150
Disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like
you and we're a charitable
759
00:25:53,152 --> 00:25:56,120
But we kiss you 'cause we like
you and we're a charitable
bunch.
760
00:25:56,122 --> 00:25:58,088
You and we're a charitable
bunch.
Then you start kissing down the
761
00:25:58,090 --> 00:25:58,622
Bunch.
Then you start kissing down the
neck.
762
00:25:58,624 --> 00:26:00,591
Then you start kissing down the
neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing
763
00:26:00,593 --> 00:26:02,526
Neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing
this, you're working downwards,
764
00:26:02,528 --> 00:26:04,662
Now, the whole time you're doing
this, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.
765
00:26:04,664 --> 00:26:06,597
This, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.
Now, you know you're going to
766
00:26:06,599 --> 00:26:07,364
Towards the cunt.
Now, you know you're going to
the cunt.
767
00:26:07,366 --> 00:26:09,300
Now, you know you're going to
the cunt.
She knows you're going to the
768
00:26:09,302 --> 00:26:09,867
The cunt.
She knows you're going to the
cunt.
769
00:26:09,869 --> 00:26:14,238
She knows you're going to the
cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going
770
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,139
Cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going
to the cunt.
771
00:26:15,141 --> 00:26:17,374
Everybody knows...you're going
to the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,
772
00:26:17,376 --> 00:26:19,710
To the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,
you have to act like you're not
773
00:26:19,712 --> 00:26:21,712
But for some unbeknown reason,
you have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that
774
00:26:21,714 --> 00:26:23,981
You have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that
you're enjoying the journey of
775
00:26:23,983 --> 00:26:26,617
Going to the cunt and that
you're enjoying the journey of
this creature.
776
00:26:26,619 --> 00:26:28,152
You're enjoying the journey of
this creature.
Women -- You got to give them a
777
00:26:28,154 --> 00:26:28,752
This creature.
Women -- You got to give them a
journey.
778
00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:30,254
Women -- You got to give them a
journey.
Men don't give a shit about a
779
00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:30,854
Journey.
Men don't give a shit about a
journey.
780
00:26:30,856 --> 00:26:32,823
Men don't give a shit about a
journey.
If a man's driving from point
781
00:26:32,825 --> 00:26:34,758
Journey.
If a man's driving from point
"a" to point "b," we fill the
782
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,727
If a man's driving from point
"a" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,
783
00:26:36,729 --> 00:26:40,931
"A" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?
784
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:42,533
Tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?
With women, you got to give them
785
00:26:42,535 --> 00:26:43,834
We make good time, right?
With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.
786
00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:46,937
With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.
You got to take them by the
787
00:26:46,939 --> 00:26:50,774
A fucking journey.
You got to take them by the
water or antiquing or some shit.
788
00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:51,976
You got to take them by the
water or antiquing or some shit.
789
00:26:51,978 --> 00:26:54,144
Water or antiquing or some shit.
see, the thing is women read so
790
00:26:54,146 --> 00:26:56,347
see, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send
791
00:26:56,349 --> 00:26:58,048
See, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send
your man wild and how to
792
00:26:58,050 --> 00:27:00,217
Many magazines about how to send
your man wild and how to
titillate your man and all these
793
00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:01,986
Your man wild and how to
titillate your man and all these
25 steps to do all the --
794
00:27:01,988 --> 00:27:03,854
Titillate your man and all these
25 steps to do all the --
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
795
00:27:03,856 --> 00:27:05,456
25 steps to do all the --
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
"get a feather."
796
00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:07,024
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
"get a feather."
"Involve food in the
797
00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:08,792
"get a feather."
"Involve food in the
relationship."
798
00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:10,194
"Involve food in the
relationship."
This is all bullshit.
799
00:27:10,196 --> 00:27:11,695
Relationship."
This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."
800
00:27:11,697 --> 00:27:14,698
This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!
801
00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:16,533
"Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!
802
00:27:16,535 --> 00:27:17,968
These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!
803
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:19,937
They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and
804
00:27:19,939 --> 00:27:22,206
These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor African
805
00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:24,808
You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor African
child without nipples!
806
00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:27,811
Donate them to some poor African
child without nipples!
I wouldn't give a fuck.
807
00:27:27,813 --> 00:27:29,613
Child without nipples!
I wouldn't give a fuck.
This is what we want you to
808
00:27:29,615 --> 00:27:31,749
I wouldn't give a fuck.
This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and
809
00:27:31,751 --> 00:27:32,850
This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.
810
00:27:32,852 --> 00:27:34,685
Do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.
And when you're sucking our
811
00:27:34,687 --> 00:27:36,754
Cup our balls.
And when you're sucking our
cock, look like you're in a bit
812
00:27:36,756 --> 00:27:38,789
And when you're sucking our
cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if
813
00:27:38,791 --> 00:27:40,357
Cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.
814
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:46,830
Of pain because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.
815
00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:51,335
- You look uncomfortable.
- anyway, but back to the lady --
816
00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:52,903
anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.
817
00:27:52,905 --> 00:27:54,471
Anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.
Now you're at the tits.
818
00:27:54,473 --> 00:27:56,273
You keep kissing down.
Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
819
00:27:56,275 --> 00:27:58,175
Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm
820
00:27:58,177 --> 00:27:58,776
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm
with.
821
00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:00,678
Some tits you got to be firm
with.
Some tits you got to be soft
822
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:01,245
With.
Some tits you got to be soft
with.
823
00:28:01,247 --> 00:28:03,080
Some tits you got to be soft
with.
Some tits, you can bite the
824
00:28:03,082 --> 00:28:03,747
With.
Some tits, you can bite the
nipple.
825
00:28:03,749 --> 00:28:05,716
Some tits, you can bite the
nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near
826
00:28:05,718 --> 00:28:07,551
Nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near
the nipple.
827
00:28:07,553 --> 00:28:09,086
Some tits, don't even go near
the nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play
828
00:28:09,088 --> 00:28:10,254
The nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play
the course you're on.
829
00:28:10,256 --> 00:28:18,962
Tits are like golf -- You play
the course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.
830
00:28:18,964 --> 00:28:21,265
The course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.
Now you're at the cunt.
831
00:28:21,267 --> 00:28:23,067
Then...you keep kissing down.
Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the
832
00:28:23,069 --> 00:28:25,269
Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like
833
00:28:25,271 --> 00:28:26,837
But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.
834
00:28:26,839 --> 00:28:28,739
Cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.
You have to act like you've
835
00:28:28,741 --> 00:28:30,474
You're not at the cunt.
You have to act like you've
stumbled upon the cunt by
836
00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,476
You have to act like you've
stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.
837
00:28:32,478 --> 00:28:34,378
Stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
838
00:28:34,380 --> 00:28:37,281
Accident.
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
839
00:28:37,283 --> 00:28:40,017
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.
840
00:28:40,019 --> 00:28:42,019
Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.
And you have to sort of almost,
841
00:28:42,021 --> 00:28:46,390
The cunt's there.
And you have to sort of almost,
"hello!
842
00:28:46,392 --> 00:28:48,459
And you have to sort of almost,
"hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
843
00:28:48,461 --> 00:28:50,761
"Hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.
844
00:28:50,763 --> 00:28:52,896
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a
845
00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:54,998
I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.
846
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,402
No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"
847
00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:02,473
Chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"
Then you lick the whole general
848
00:29:02,475 --> 00:29:05,042
Do you mind if i pop in?"
Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.
849
00:29:05,044 --> 00:29:06,577
Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of
850
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,479
Cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of
the cunt -- If you lick that,
851
00:29:08,481 --> 00:29:13,050
Then there's a bit at the top of
the cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.
852
00:29:13,052 --> 00:29:15,486
The cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.
This all takes between 10 and 40
853
00:29:15,488 --> 00:29:18,322
They seem to enjoy it.
This all takes between 10 and 40
minutes.
854
00:29:18,324 --> 00:29:24,661
This all takes between 10 and 40
minutes.
And she might be wet.
855
00:29:24,663 --> 00:29:26,230
Minutes.
And she might be wet.
And that's the foreplay that's
856
00:29:26,232 --> 00:29:28,599
And she might be wet.
And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.
857
00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:30,033
And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's
858
00:29:30,035 --> 00:29:32,970
Necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man -- We just
859
00:29:32,972 --> 00:29:35,973
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.
860
00:29:35,975 --> 00:29:38,876
Necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
861
00:29:38,878 --> 00:29:41,578
Need to see you naked.
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks, when all
862
00:29:41,580 --> 00:29:44,581
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.
863
00:29:44,583 --> 00:29:46,583
Compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.
Maybe we take our relationships
864
00:29:46,585 --> 00:29:48,752
We need is you.
Maybe we take our relationships
seriously.
865
00:29:48,754 --> 00:29:51,388
Maybe we take our relationships
seriously.
866
00:29:51,390 --> 00:30:15,979
how many more do you reckon
there is behind there?
867
00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:17,347
How many more do you reckon
there is behind there?
There's a dwarf behind there
868
00:30:17,349 --> 00:30:24,621
There is behind there?
There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.
869
00:30:24,623 --> 00:30:28,725
There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.
870
00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:30,994
Mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.
All right.
871
00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:32,996
I am fucking drunk, though.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
872
00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:34,064
All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.
873
00:30:34,066 --> 00:30:35,432
I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this
874
00:30:35,434 --> 00:30:38,001
This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.
875
00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:40,671
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.
876
00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:41,905
Story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.
The first three minutes of this
877
00:30:41,907 --> 00:30:43,073
Just hitching up my pants.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but
878
00:30:43,075 --> 00:30:44,174
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this
879
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:45,008
Story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this
story takes flight.
880
00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:46,543
There is a moment where this
story takes flight.
And you have to hang in there
881
00:30:46,545 --> 00:30:48,078
Story takes flight.
And you have to hang in there
with me until this moment and
882
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,713
And you have to hang in there
with me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna
883
00:30:49,715 --> 00:30:52,382
With me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna
get good.
884
00:30:52,384 --> 00:30:53,584
Trust me that the story's gonna
get good.
I grew up at number 3
885
00:30:53,586 --> 00:30:55,052
Get good.
I grew up at number 3
turramurra street.
886
00:30:55,054 --> 00:30:57,354
I grew up at number 3
turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best
887
00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:59,790
Turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best
childhood friends, Andrew and
888
00:30:59,792 --> 00:31:01,859
At number 5 was my two best
childhood friends, Andrew and
Daniel Connor.
889
00:31:01,861 --> 00:31:03,260
Childhood friends, Andrew and
Daniel Connor.
Daniel was born with a disease
890
00:31:03,262 --> 00:31:04,461
Daniel Connor.
Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.
891
00:31:04,463 --> 00:31:05,929
Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular
892
00:31:05,931 --> 00:31:07,297
Called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible
893
00:31:07,299 --> 00:31:08,765
If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your
894
00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:09,299
Dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your
muscles.
895
00:31:09,301 --> 00:31:10,667
Disease that wastes away at your
muscles.
It's the same as Lou gehrig's
896
00:31:10,669 --> 00:31:12,102
Muscles.
It's the same as Lou gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,
897
00:31:12,104 --> 00:31:14,571
It's the same as Lou gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.
898
00:31:14,573 --> 00:31:16,039
Disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.
You get diagnosed when you're
899
00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:17,541
Except you're born with it.
You get diagnosed when you're
about 6 years old, when you're
900
00:31:17,543 --> 00:31:19,042
You get diagnosed when you're
about 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put
901
00:31:19,044 --> 00:31:20,377
About 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put
you on crutches.
902
00:31:20,379 --> 00:31:22,179
Not walking right and they put
you on crutches.
By the time you're 10, you're in
903
00:31:22,181 --> 00:31:23,080
You on crutches.
By the time you're 10, you're in
a wheelchair.
904
00:31:23,082 --> 00:31:24,882
By the time you're 10, you're in
a wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in
905
00:31:24,884 --> 00:31:26,583
A wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.
906
00:31:26,585 --> 00:31:27,985
By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their
907
00:31:27,987 --> 00:31:29,953
A completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their
25th birthday.
908
00:31:29,955 --> 00:31:32,656
Most people die before their
25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
909
00:31:32,658 --> 00:31:35,325
25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.
910
00:31:35,327 --> 00:31:38,996
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --
911
00:31:38,998 --> 00:31:40,664
Still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --
Still alive.
912
00:31:40,666 --> 00:31:43,033
Let me rephrase that --
Still alive.
913
00:31:43,035 --> 00:31:44,701
- Still alive.
- he's actually died seven times
914
00:31:44,703 --> 00:31:45,903
he's actually died seven times
in his life and been
915
00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:47,871
He's actually died seven times
in his life and been
resuscitated -- Seven.
916
00:31:47,873 --> 00:31:49,406
In his life and been
resuscitated -- Seven.
And i once asked him -- I said,
917
00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:50,841
Resuscitated -- Seven.
And i once asked him -- I said,
"Dan, what happens after you
918
00:31:50,843 --> 00:31:51,275
And i once asked him -- I said,
"Dan, what happens after you
die?"
919
00:31:51,277 --> 00:31:54,778
"Dan, what happens after you
die?"
And he said, "nothing."
920
00:31:54,780 --> 00:31:56,413
Die?"
And he said, "nothing."
So, good luck with your religion
921
00:31:56,415 --> 00:31:59,583
And he said, "nothing."
So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.
922
00:31:59,585 --> 00:32:04,221
So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.
923
00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:05,956
And your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.
Now, his family had since moved
924
00:32:05,958 --> 00:32:08,125
I'll take an actual statistic.
Now, his family had since moved
to Melbourne.
925
00:32:08,127 --> 00:32:09,326
Now, his family had since moved
to Melbourne.
I had moved to great Britain.
926
00:32:09,328 --> 00:32:10,060
To Melbourne.
I had moved to great Britain.
I went to do the
927
00:32:10,062 --> 00:32:11,161
I had moved to great Britain.
I went to do the
Melbourne comedy festival.
928
00:32:11,163 --> 00:32:12,462
I went to do the
Melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.
929
00:32:12,464 --> 00:32:14,164
Melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.
I hadn't seen him in all that
930
00:32:14,166 --> 00:32:14,665
This was about a year ago.
I hadn't seen him in all that
time.
931
00:32:14,667 --> 00:32:16,433
I hadn't seen him in all that
time.
His brother Andrew came to see
932
00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,302
Time.
His brother Andrew came to see
my show, and then Andrew took me
933
00:32:18,304 --> 00:32:19,102
His brother Andrew came to see
my show, and then Andrew took me
to see Dan.
934
00:32:19,104 --> 00:32:20,304
My show, and then Andrew took me
to see Dan.
And i went in to see him, and
935
00:32:20,306 --> 00:32:21,605
To see Dan.
And i went in to see him, and
I'd never seen anyone live this
936
00:32:21,607 --> 00:32:22,606
And i went in to see him, and
I'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.
937
00:32:22,608 --> 00:32:23,674
I'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.
And he's laying on a bed.
938
00:32:23,676 --> 00:32:25,342
Long with this disease.
And he's laying on a bed.
His eyelids are a muscle that he
939
00:32:25,344 --> 00:32:26,810
And he's laying on a bed.
His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and
940
00:32:26,812 --> 00:32:28,245
His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through
941
00:32:28,247 --> 00:32:29,780
Can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through
these little things and has a
942
00:32:29,782 --> 00:32:31,248
He's just squinting through
these little things and has a
breathing mask on him to keep
943
00:32:31,250 --> 00:32:32,816
These little things and has a
breathing mask on him to keep
his lungs working because the
944
00:32:32,818 --> 00:32:34,484
Breathing mask on him to keep
his lungs working because the
lungs are a muscle that he can't
945
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:35,252
His lungs working because the
lungs are a muscle that he can't
keep pumping.
946
00:32:35,254 --> 00:32:36,653
Lungs are a muscle that he can't
keep pumping.
He has a heart-Monitoring
947
00:32:36,655 --> 00:32:38,322
Keep pumping.
He has a heart-Monitoring
machine in case he flatlines in
948
00:32:38,324 --> 00:32:39,790
He has a heart-Monitoring
machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and
949
00:32:39,792 --> 00:32:41,425
Machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and
someone has to resuscitate him.
950
00:32:41,427 --> 00:32:43,226
The middle of the night and
someone has to resuscitate him.
And as soon as i walked in and
951
00:32:43,228 --> 00:32:45,028
Someone has to resuscitate him.
And as soon as i walked in and
saw this guy that i used to run
952
00:32:45,030 --> 00:32:46,897
And as soon as i walked in and
saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst
953
00:32:46,899 --> 00:32:48,365
Saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst
into tears.
954
00:32:48,367 --> 00:32:49,566
Around with as a child, i burst
into tears.
There's nothing worse you can
955
00:32:49,568 --> 00:32:50,867
Into tears.
There's nothing worse you can
give anyone in this world than
956
00:32:50,869 --> 00:32:52,636
There's nothing worse you can
give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?
957
00:32:52,638 --> 00:32:54,037
Give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?
I went in the corridor.
958
00:32:54,039 --> 00:32:55,706
Pity, you know?
I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.
959
00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:57,441
I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
960
00:32:57,443 --> 00:32:59,042
I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.
961
00:32:59,044 --> 00:33:00,711
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.
And i went back in and i sat
962
00:33:00,713 --> 00:33:02,546
Off.
And i went back in and i sat
with Dan, and his brother Andrew
963
00:33:02,548 --> 00:33:03,680
And i went back in and i sat
with Dan, and his brother Andrew
went off to work.
964
00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:05,415
With Dan, and his brother Andrew
went off to work.
And me and Dan chatted for
965
00:33:05,417 --> 00:33:07,084
Went off to work.
And me and Dan chatted for
a while.
966
00:33:07,086 --> 00:33:08,618
And me and Dan chatted for
a while.
20 minutes into the
967
00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:10,754
A while.
20 minutes into the
conversation, Dan says to me,
968
00:33:10,756 --> 00:33:14,291
20 minutes into the
conversation, Dan says to me,
"Jim, I'm 32 years old.
969
00:33:14,293 --> 00:33:16,493
Conversation, Dan says to me,
"Jim, I'm 32 years old.
I've never been with a woman.
970
00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:17,627
"Jim, I'm 32 years old.
I've never been with a woman.
Will you take me to a
971
00:33:17,629 --> 00:33:18,729
I've never been with a woman.
Will you take me to a
prostitute?"
972
00:33:18,731 --> 00:33:20,764
Will you take me to a
prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks
973
00:33:20,766 --> 00:33:22,766
Prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks
up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
974
00:33:22,768 --> 00:33:24,868
And that's where the story picks
up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"
975
00:33:24,870 --> 00:33:26,203
Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"
And he went, "but don't tell my
976
00:33:26,205 --> 00:33:26,670
I went, "fuck, yeah!"
And he went, "but don't tell my
brother.
977
00:33:26,672 --> 00:33:27,671
And he went, "but don't tell my
brother.
He wouldn't understand."
978
00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,106
Brother.
He wouldn't understand."
And i said, "that's where you're
979
00:33:29,108 --> 00:33:29,473
He wouldn't understand."
And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.
980
00:33:29,475 --> 00:33:30,640
And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.
I've known your brother my
981
00:33:30,642 --> 00:33:31,274
Wrong.
I've known your brother my
entire life.
982
00:33:31,276 --> 00:33:32,976
I've known your brother my
entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."
983
00:33:32,978 --> 00:33:34,311
Entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."
And against dan's will, when
984
00:33:34,313 --> 00:33:35,746
Trust me -- He will understand."
And against dan's will, when
Andrew came home from work, i
985
00:33:35,748 --> 00:33:37,114
And against dan's will, when
Andrew came home from work, i
pulled Andrew aside and said,
986
00:33:37,116 --> 00:33:38,582
Andrew came home from work, i
pulled Andrew aside and said,
"Andrew, look, here's the deal.
987
00:33:38,584 --> 00:33:39,916
Pulled Andrew aside and said,
"Andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to
988
00:33:39,918 --> 00:33:40,584
"Andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to
a prostitute.
989
00:33:40,586 --> 00:33:42,019
Dan's asked me to take him to
a prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like
990
00:33:42,021 --> 00:33:43,387
A prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like
it or not, but i think, as his
991
00:33:43,389 --> 00:33:44,688
I'm gonna do it whether you like
it or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along
992
00:33:44,690 --> 00:33:45,422
It or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along
and help out."
993
00:33:45,424 --> 00:33:47,057
Brother, you should come along
and help out."
And Andrew went, "we're not
994
00:33:47,059 --> 00:33:47,858
And help out."
And Andrew went, "we're not
doing it."
995
00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,026
And Andrew went, "we're not
doing it."
And i went, "why?"
996
00:33:49,028 --> 00:33:50,827
Doing it."
And i went, "why?"
And he went, "it'll kill him."
997
00:33:50,829 --> 00:33:52,162
And i went, "why?"
And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --
998
00:33:52,164 --> 00:33:57,067
And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --
999
00:33:57,069 --> 00:33:58,935
And i went --
"he's gonna die soon anyway.
1000
00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:00,704
"he's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to
1001
00:34:00,706 --> 00:34:01,138
"He's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to
go.
1002
00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,073
This is a good way for him to
go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
1003
00:34:03,075 --> 00:34:07,511
Go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
a few questions."
1004
00:34:07,513 --> 00:34:08,845
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
a few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing
1005
00:34:08,847 --> 00:34:09,146
A few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing
it."
1006
00:34:09,148 --> 00:34:10,047
And he said, "we're not doing
it."
And i said, "why?"
1007
00:34:10,049 --> 00:34:11,415
It."
And i said, "why?"
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
1008
00:34:11,417 --> 00:34:13,517
And i said, "why?"
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"
1009
00:34:13,519 --> 00:34:15,485
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never
1010
00:34:15,487 --> 00:34:16,620
Like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never
liked me!
1011
00:34:16,622 --> 00:34:18,155
And i went, "your mom's never
liked me!
That's why I'm the right guy to
1012
00:34:18,157 --> 00:34:21,892
Liked me!
That's why I'm the right guy to
kill your brother!"
1013
00:34:21,894 --> 00:34:23,160
That's why I'm the right guy to
kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll
1014
00:34:23,162 --> 00:34:24,327
Kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll
do it, but he can't have full
1015
00:34:24,329 --> 00:34:24,628
And he said, "all right, we'll
do it, but he can't have full
sex.
1016
00:34:24,630 --> 00:34:26,263
Do it, but he can't have full
sex.
Full sex will kill him.
1017
00:34:26,265 --> 00:34:27,998
Sex.
Full sex will kill him.
He can only have a blowjob."
1018
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,499
Full sex will kill him.
He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly
1019
00:34:29,501 --> 00:34:30,967
He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.
1020
00:34:30,969 --> 00:34:33,170
And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw Dan.
1021
00:34:33,172 --> 00:34:34,638
Reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw Dan.
He was where we left him.
1022
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:40,177
So, we went back in and saw Dan.
He was where we left him.
And we said...
1023
00:34:40,179 --> 00:34:42,712
He was where we left him.
And we said...
"Dan, here's the deal -- I know
1024
00:34:42,714 --> 00:34:43,914
And we said...
"Dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your
1025
00:34:43,916 --> 00:34:45,048
"Dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your
brother, but i told your
1026
00:34:45,050 --> 00:34:45,515
You told me not to tell your
brother, but i told your
brother.
1027
00:34:45,517 --> 00:34:46,817
Brother, but i told your
brother.
Me and him are both gonna take
1028
00:34:46,819 --> 00:34:48,185
Brother.
Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow,
1029
00:34:48,187 --> 00:34:49,820
Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full
1030
00:34:49,822 --> 00:34:50,253
You to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full
sex.
1031
00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,955
Mate, but you can't have full
sex.
You can only have a blowjob."
1032
00:34:51,957 --> 00:34:53,990
Sex.
You can only have a blowjob."
And Dan went, "i want full sex."
1033
00:34:53,992 --> 00:34:55,425
You can only have a blowjob."
And Dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother Andrew went,
1034
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,694
And Dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother Andrew went,
"Dan, you're in no position to
1035
00:34:57,696 --> 00:35:00,597
And his brother Andrew went,
"Dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."
1036
00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,799
"Dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."
Then Dan reluctantly agreed.
1037
00:35:02,801 --> 00:35:05,869
Argue with anyone, ever."
Then Dan reluctantly agreed.
Now, prostitution in Australia
1038
00:35:05,871 --> 00:35:07,637
Then Dan reluctantly agreed.
Now, prostitution in Australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of
1039
00:35:07,639 --> 00:35:09,339
Now, prostitution in Australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the
1040
00:35:09,341 --> 00:35:10,874
Is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the
phonebook, trying to find a
1041
00:35:10,876 --> 00:35:13,743
The afternoon going through the
phonebook, trying to find a
brothel with wheelchair access.
1042
00:35:13,745 --> 00:35:18,081
Phonebook, trying to find a
brothel with wheelchair access.
Best afternoon ever!
1043
00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:20,517
- Brothel with wheelchair access.
- Best afternoon ever!
1044
00:35:20,519 --> 00:35:21,918
- Best afternoon ever!
- eventually, i found one, the
1045
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,520
eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern
1046
00:35:23,522 --> 00:35:24,988
Eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern
hemisphere, the daily planet,
1047
00:35:24,990 --> 00:35:26,556
Biggest brothel in the southern
hemisphere, the daily planet,
or, as the Australians call it,
1048
00:35:26,558 --> 00:35:29,826
Hemisphere, the daily planet,
or, as the Australians call it,
"four floors of whores."
1049
00:35:29,828 --> 00:35:32,195
Or, as the Australians call it,
"four floors of whores."
It's a 24-Hour brothel because
1050
00:35:32,197 --> 00:35:35,098
"Four floors of whores."
It's a 24-Hour brothel because
australia's a go-Ahead country.
1051
00:35:35,100 --> 00:35:36,766
It's a 24-Hour brothel because
australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go
1052
00:35:36,768 --> 00:35:38,201
Australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go
early in the morning, like
1053
00:35:38,203 --> 00:35:39,769
So, we decided we were gonna go
early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.
1054
00:35:39,771 --> 00:35:41,204
Early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.
We wanted to go in when the
1055
00:35:41,206 --> 00:35:42,739
Really early, like 6:00 a.M.
We wanted to go in when the
place was quiet and we weren't
1056
00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:44,574
We wanted to go in when the
place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.
1057
00:35:44,576 --> 00:35:46,042
Place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
1058
00:35:46,044 --> 00:35:46,810
Gonna cause a scene.
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
the morning.
1059
00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:48,411
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
the morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
1060
00:35:48,413 --> 00:35:53,049
The morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
And we get him in his chair.
1061
00:35:53,051 --> 00:35:54,417
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your
1062
00:35:54,419 --> 00:35:56,219
And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
1063
00:35:56,221 --> 00:35:57,921
Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort
1064
00:35:57,923 --> 00:35:59,589
Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort
of silver-Looking things with
1065
00:35:59,591 --> 00:36:01,591
He's got one of those big sort
of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.
1066
00:36:01,593 --> 00:36:02,959
Of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.
I think the model's called a
1067
00:36:02,961 --> 00:36:04,027
The truck tires on it.
I think the model's called a
hawking.
1068
00:36:04,029 --> 00:36:08,965
I think the model's called a
hawking.
And even though his muscles
1069
00:36:08,967 --> 00:36:10,467
Hawking.
And even though his muscles
don't work, they get sore.
1070
00:36:10,469 --> 00:36:12,235
And even though his muscles
don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from
1071
00:36:12,237 --> 00:36:13,937
Don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from
side to side and back to front
1072
00:36:13,939 --> 00:36:15,372
So, this thing can move him from
side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.
1073
00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:16,773
Side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.
So, we get him in the chair.
1074
00:36:16,775 --> 00:36:18,074
And even into a full bed.
So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.
1075
00:36:18,076 --> 00:36:19,476
So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you
1076
00:36:19,478 --> 00:36:20,777
Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.
1077
00:36:20,779 --> 00:36:23,013
And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but
1078
00:36:23,015 --> 00:36:25,482
Have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but
they've modified the back to go
1079
00:36:25,484 --> 00:36:27,851
It's like a normal car, but
they've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up
1080
00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:30,353
They've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up
through the boot and they strap
1081
00:36:30,355 --> 00:36:33,256
Higher, and they drive him up
through the boot and they strap
him in there and he sits up
1082
00:36:33,258 --> 00:36:35,125
Through the boot and they strap
him in there and he sits up
high, with windows all around
1083
00:36:35,127 --> 00:36:36,760
Him in there and he sits up
high, with windows all around
him, like a big, retarded
1084
00:36:36,762 --> 00:36:39,196
High, with windows all around
him, like a big, retarded
pope...
1085
00:36:39,198 --> 00:36:41,231
Him, like a big, retarded
pope...
or, as the Catholics would say,
1086
00:36:41,233 --> 00:36:44,067
Pope...
or, as the Catholics would say,
the pope.
1087
00:36:44,069 --> 00:36:46,703
Or, as the Catholics would say,
the pope.
1088
00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:49,139
- The pope.
- and we drive up to the brothel.
1089
00:36:49,141 --> 00:36:50,907
and we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,
1090
00:36:50,909 --> 00:36:52,576
And we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,
it takes 10 minutes to get him
1091
00:36:52,578 --> 00:36:53,443
Now, when we get to the brothel,
it takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.
1092
00:36:53,445 --> 00:36:54,945
It takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.
I see this as my window of
1093
00:36:54,947 --> 00:36:56,580
Off the taxi.
I see this as my window of
opportunity, so while they're
1094
00:36:56,582 --> 00:36:58,281
I see this as my window of
opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run
1095
00:36:58,283 --> 00:36:59,349
Opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run
into the brothel.
1096
00:36:59,351 --> 00:37:00,984
Getting him off the taxi, i run
into the brothel.
Now, there's two ways that
1097
00:37:00,986 --> 00:37:01,985
Into the brothel.
Now, there's two ways that
brothels work.
1098
00:37:01,987 --> 00:37:03,687
Now, there's two ways that
brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will
1099
00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:05,622
Brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will
stand in a row in their lingerie
1100
00:37:05,624 --> 00:37:07,457
Either the prostitutes will
stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that
1101
00:37:07,459 --> 00:37:09,092
Stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that
you want, or they'll stand
1102
00:37:09,094 --> 00:37:11,061
And you just pick the one that
you want, or they'll stand
around in a bar in evening gowns
1103
00:37:11,063 --> 00:37:12,896
You want, or they'll stand
around in a bar in evening gowns
and high heels and you walk up
1104
00:37:12,898 --> 00:37:14,631
Around in a bar in evening gowns
and high heels and you walk up
to the one that you like the
1105
00:37:14,633 --> 00:37:16,533
And high heels and you walk up
to the one that you like the
look of, chat to her for a bit,
1106
00:37:16,535 --> 00:37:18,501
To the one that you like the
look of, chat to her for a bit,
act like you've got some type of
1107
00:37:18,503 --> 00:37:20,136
Look of, chat to her for a bit,
act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern
1108
00:37:20,138 --> 00:37:21,905
Act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern
European woman, then take her
1109
00:37:21,907 --> 00:37:23,673
Connection with an eastern
European woman, then take her
upstairs and fuck her if you
1110
00:37:23,675 --> 00:37:25,242
European woman, then take her
upstairs and fuck her if you
need your life to be this
1111
00:37:25,244 --> 00:37:27,244
Upstairs and fuck her if you
need your life to be this
delusional.
1112
00:37:27,246 --> 00:37:29,079
Need your life to be this
delusional.
This is one of these situations.
1113
00:37:29,081 --> 00:37:30,747
Delusional.
This is one of these situations.
So, while they're getting Dan
1114
00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:32,449
This is one of these situations.
So, while they're getting Dan
out of the cab, i run into the
1115
00:37:32,451 --> 00:37:33,950
So, while they're getting Dan
out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,
1116
00:37:33,952 --> 00:37:37,654
Out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,
quickly, gather 'round!
1117
00:37:37,656 --> 00:37:40,690
Brothel and go, "everyone,
quickly, gather 'round!
I haven't got much time!"
1118
00:37:40,692 --> 00:37:42,425
Quickly, gather 'round!
I haven't got much time!"
And these 14 bemused hookers
1119
00:37:42,427 --> 00:37:44,027
I haven't got much time!"
And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,
1120
00:37:44,029 --> 00:37:47,964
And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.
1121
00:37:47,966 --> 00:37:50,267
Shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.
I have a severely disabled
1122
00:37:50,269 --> 00:37:51,334
"Look -- Here's the deal.
I have a severely disabled
friend with me.
1123
00:37:51,336 --> 00:37:53,570
I have a severely disabled
friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak
1124
00:37:53,572 --> 00:37:57,173
Friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak
now or forever hold your peace."
1125
00:37:57,175 --> 00:37:59,009
If you're not up for it, speak
now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad
1126
00:37:59,011 --> 00:37:59,609
Now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad
is he?"
1127
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:05,448
And one of them went, "how bad
is he?"
And i went, "
1128
00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:08,051
Is he?"
And i went, "
pretty fucking bad."
1129
00:38:08,053 --> 00:38:09,352
And i went, "
pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they
1130
00:38:09,354 --> 00:38:10,787
Pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they
wouldn't do it, and i said,
1131
00:38:10,789 --> 00:38:13,356
And 10 of them said they
wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can
1132
00:38:13,358 --> 00:38:14,758
Wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can
you please go and hide?
1133
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:15,925
"Well, i respect that, but can
you please go and hide?
Because i don't want him to be
1134
00:38:15,927 --> 00:38:19,095
You please go and hide?
Because i don't want him to be
rejected by hookers."
1135
00:38:19,097 --> 00:38:21,064
Because i don't want him to be
rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away
1136
00:38:21,066 --> 00:38:23,066
Rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away
in their evening gowns and their
1137
00:38:23,068 --> 00:38:24,734
And these 10 girls shuffle away
in their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea
1138
00:38:24,736 --> 00:38:27,937
In their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea
falling out of them.
1139
00:38:27,939 --> 00:38:29,773
High heels, with gonorrhea
falling out of them.
I am now left with four girls.
1140
00:38:29,775 --> 00:38:31,508
Falling out of them.
I am now left with four girls.
The best-Looking one by a mile
1141
00:38:31,510 --> 00:38:32,208
I am now left with four girls.
The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.
1142
00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:33,943
The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like
1143
00:38:33,945 --> 00:38:35,779
Stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like
Jabba the hut, breathing like
1144
00:38:35,781 --> 00:38:37,714
Dan wheels in, looking like
Jabba the hut, breathing like
Darth Vader.
1145
00:38:37,716 --> 00:38:39,249
Jabba the hut, breathing like
Darth Vader.
Two of the girls run away, and
1146
00:38:39,251 --> 00:38:40,550
Darth Vader.
Two of the girls run away, and
I'm like, "are you fucking
1147
00:38:40,552 --> 00:38:43,453
Two of the girls run away, and
I'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?
1148
00:38:43,455 --> 00:38:46,990
I'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?
I just asked you nicely."
1149
00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,358
Kidding, you sluts?
I just asked you nicely."
So we're now left with two
1150
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:49,259
I just asked you nicely."
So we're now left with two
girls.
1151
00:38:49,261 --> 00:38:50,994
So we're now left with two
girls.
The best-Looking one's there.
1152
00:38:50,996 --> 00:38:54,164
Girls.
The best-Looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.
1153
00:38:54,166 --> 00:38:56,266
The best-Looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly
1154
00:38:56,268 --> 00:38:58,902
The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to Dan -- I go, "Dan,
1155
00:38:58,904 --> 00:39:01,438
Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to Dan -- I go, "Dan,
there's only two girls working
1156
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:05,175
One, i go to Dan -- I go, "Dan,
there's only two girls working
today, mate.
1157
00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:07,277
There's only two girls working
today, mate.
Which one do you want?"
1158
00:39:07,279 --> 00:39:08,511
Today, mate.
Which one do you want?"
And he said, "the one in the
1159
00:39:08,513 --> 00:39:09,979
Which one do you want?"
And he said, "the one in the
green dress."
1160
00:39:09,981 --> 00:39:12,482
And he said, "the one in the
green dress."
Now, neither of them had a
1161
00:39:12,484 --> 00:39:15,385
Green dress."
Now, neither of them had a
green dress.
1162
00:39:15,387 --> 00:39:16,753
Now, neither of them had a
green dress.
I stand up and look at Andrew
1163
00:39:16,755 --> 00:39:18,188
Green dress.
I stand up and look at Andrew
and went, "what the fuck is all
1164
00:39:18,190 --> 00:39:18,888
I stand up and look at Andrew
and went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"
1165
00:39:18,890 --> 00:39:21,057
And went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"
And Andrew went, "yeah, his
1166
00:39:21,059 --> 00:39:23,660
This about?"
And Andrew went, "yeah, his
eyes are fucked, as well."
1167
00:39:23,662 --> 00:39:25,095
And Andrew went, "yeah, his
eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's
1168
00:39:25,097 --> 00:39:25,729
Eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's
colorblind.
1169
00:39:25,731 --> 00:39:27,263
Now, it turns out that dan's
colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.
1170
00:39:27,265 --> 00:39:32,669
Colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.
1171
00:39:32,671 --> 00:39:39,109
It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.
1172
00:39:39,111 --> 00:39:40,543
It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, I'm gonna pay for
1173
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:44,180
So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, I'm gonna pay for
everything.
1174
00:39:44,182 --> 00:39:45,448
Now, I'm gonna pay for
everything.
Now, the reason I'm gonna pay
1175
00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:47,117
Everything.
Now, the reason I'm gonna pay
for everything is simple.
1176
00:39:47,119 --> 00:39:48,852
Now, the reason I'm gonna pay
for everything is simple.
I told Dan and Andrew that i
1177
00:39:48,854 --> 00:39:50,587
For everything is simple.
I told Dan and Andrew that i
would pay for everything, as
1178
00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:52,522
I told Dan and Andrew that i
would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story
1179
00:39:52,524 --> 00:39:54,224
Would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story
to hundreds of thousands of
1180
00:39:54,226 --> 00:39:56,292
Long as i got to tell this story
to hundreds of thousands of
people in the future.
1181
00:39:56,294 --> 00:39:58,294
To hundreds of thousands of
people in the future.
And they said, "of course you
1182
00:39:58,296 --> 00:40:00,397
People in the future.
And they said, "of course you
can, Jim, but be respectful and
1183
00:40:00,399 --> 00:40:02,565
And they said, "of course you
can, Jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds
1184
00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:04,734
Can, Jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds
like the right thing to do, now,
1185
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:07,504
Change our names," which sounds
like the right thing to do, now,
doesn't it?
1186
00:40:07,506 --> 00:40:09,139
Like the right thing to do, now,
doesn't it?
Now, i haven't changed their
1187
00:40:09,141 --> 00:40:11,040
Doesn't it?
Now, i haven't changed their
names.
1188
00:40:11,042 --> 00:40:13,109
Now, i haven't changed their
names.
Their names are Andrew and
1189
00:40:13,111 --> 00:40:15,311
Names.
Their names are Andrew and
Daniel Connor from st kilda,
1190
00:40:15,313 --> 00:40:18,047
Their names are Andrew and
Daniel Connor from st kilda,
Melbourne, Australia.
1191
00:40:18,049 --> 00:40:19,582
Daniel Connor from st kilda,
Melbourne, Australia.
I would have liked to have
1192
00:40:19,584 --> 00:40:20,784
Melbourne, Australia.
I would have liked to have
changed their names.
1193
00:40:20,786 --> 00:40:22,419
I would have liked to have
changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.
1194
00:40:22,421 --> 00:40:24,421
Changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.
But i look at this way -- Even
1195
00:40:24,423 --> 00:40:26,322
It is the right thing to do.
But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and
1196
00:40:26,324 --> 00:40:28,324
But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and
their parents started watching
1197
00:40:28,326 --> 00:40:30,326
If i changed their names and
their parents started watching
my comedy, they'd be like, "my
1198
00:40:30,328 --> 00:40:32,429
Their parents started watching
my comedy, they'd be like, "my
word, doesn't 'randy' and
1199
00:40:32,431 --> 00:40:37,500
My comedy, they'd be like, "my
word, doesn't 'randy' and
'Steve' sound like our kids?
1200
00:40:37,502 --> 00:40:39,402
Word, doesn't 'randy' and
'Steve' sound like our kids?
Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of
1201
00:40:39,404 --> 00:40:47,477
'Steve' sound like our kids?
Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"
1202
00:40:47,479 --> 00:40:49,012
Didn't Jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,
1203
00:40:49,014 --> 00:40:50,413
People with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,
and i said, "how much for the
1204
00:40:50,415 --> 00:40:51,080
So, i sat there with the hooker,
and i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"
1205
00:40:51,082 --> 00:40:52,148
And i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"
And she said, "$180."
1206
00:40:52,150 --> 00:40:53,650
Half-Hour?"
And she said, "$180."
And i said, "i'll give you $250
1207
00:40:53,652 --> 00:40:55,318
And she said, "$180."
And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a
1208
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,520
And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."
1209
00:40:57,522 --> 00:40:58,788
'Cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."
And she goes, "i got one
1210
00:40:58,790 --> 00:41:00,256
Specialty thing you're doing."
And she goes, "i got one
question for you," and i said,
1211
00:41:00,258 --> 00:41:03,359
And she goes, "i got one
question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...
1212
00:41:03,361 --> 00:41:06,162
Question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...
"is he mentally retarded?"
1213
00:41:06,164 --> 00:41:13,870
"Shoot," and she went...
"is he mentally retarded?"
And i went...
1214
00:41:13,872 --> 00:41:16,239
"Is he mentally retarded?"
And i went...
"yeah.
1215
00:41:16,241 --> 00:41:18,308
And i went...
"yeah.
That's what i do.
1216
00:41:18,310 --> 00:41:21,344
"Yeah.
That's what i do.
I find mentally retarded people
1217
00:41:21,346 --> 00:41:25,982
That's what i do.
I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.
1218
00:41:25,984 --> 00:41:27,784
I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the
1219
00:41:27,786 --> 00:41:30,453
And take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the
corner.
1220
00:41:30,455 --> 00:41:33,556
I'll be masturbating in the
corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."
1221
00:41:33,558 --> 00:41:35,225
Corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."
And she went, "okay, then, but
1222
00:41:35,227 --> 00:41:36,626
He doesn't even know he's here."
And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"
1223
00:41:36,628 --> 00:41:40,129
And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
1224
00:41:40,131 --> 00:41:41,631
If there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
It's his choice to come here!
1225
00:41:41,633 --> 00:41:42,832
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll
1226
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:46,002
It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll
die!"
1227
00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,537
There's a good chance he'll
die!"
And she went, "what am i meant
1228
00:41:47,539 --> 00:41:48,438
Die!"
And she went, "what am i meant
to do with him?"
1229
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,807
And she went, "what am i meant
to do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.
1230
00:41:50,809 --> 00:41:54,577
To do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.
I've never been a hooker.
1231
00:41:54,579 --> 00:41:56,946
And i went, "i don't know.
I've never been a hooker.
But I'm thinking give him a bit
1232
00:41:56,948 --> 00:41:57,914
I've never been a hooker.
But I'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.
1233
00:41:57,916 --> 00:41:59,983
But I'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.
Dance it around a bit.
1234
00:41:59,985 --> 00:42:02,185
Of a show.
Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.
1235
00:42:02,187 --> 00:42:04,521
Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.
1236
00:42:04,523 --> 00:42:06,289
Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck
1237
00:42:06,291 --> 00:42:07,790
Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck
him.
1238
00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:14,097
But don't sit on him or fuck
him.
It'll kill him."
1239
00:42:14,099 --> 00:42:15,532
Him.
It'll kill him."
So, we go up to the room, which,
1240
00:42:15,534 --> 00:42:16,799
It'll kill him."
So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first
1241
00:42:16,801 --> 00:42:20,703
So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first
floor.
1242
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:22,705
Thank god, was on the first
floor.
And me and Andrew look at Dan
1243
00:42:22,707 --> 00:42:24,874
Floor.
And me and Andrew look at Dan
like two proud parents, watching
1244
00:42:24,876 --> 00:42:26,910
And me and Andrew look at Dan
like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the
1245
00:42:26,912 --> 00:42:34,083
Like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the
first time.
1246
00:42:34,085 --> 00:42:34,918
Our child go to school for the
first time.
And then we leave.
1247
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:36,119
First time.
And then we leave.
And as we proceed to leave, i
1248
00:42:36,121 --> 00:42:37,320
And then we leave.
And as we proceed to leave, i
pat Andrew on the back, and i
1249
00:42:37,322 --> 00:42:38,488
And as we proceed to leave, i
pat Andrew on the back, and i
said, "Andrew, you've been a
1250
00:42:38,490 --> 00:42:39,389
Pat Andrew on the back, and i
said, "Andrew, you've been a
good brother today."
1251
00:42:39,391 --> 00:42:40,490
Said, "Andrew, you've been a
good brother today."
He said, "thanks, mate."
1252
00:42:40,492 --> 00:42:41,357
Good brother today."
He said, "thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.
1253
00:42:41,359 --> 00:42:42,559
He said, "thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment
1254
00:42:42,561 --> 00:42:43,826
Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment
after our hug that Australian
1255
00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,194
And then we had that moment
after our hug that Australian
men have, where we go, "get
1256
00:42:45,196 --> 00:42:45,828
After our hug that Australian
men have, where we go, "get
out of here.
1257
00:42:45,830 --> 00:42:48,264
Men have, where we go, "get
out of here.
What's wrong with ya?"
1258
00:42:48,266 --> 00:42:50,667
Out of here.
What's wrong with ya?"
And then i said, "hey, Andrew,
1259
00:42:50,669 --> 00:42:52,402
What's wrong with ya?"
And then i said, "hey, Andrew,
how does Dan get his clothes
1260
00:42:52,404 --> 00:42:54,704
And then i said, "hey, Andrew,
how does Dan get his clothes
off?"
1261
00:42:54,706 --> 00:42:57,240
How does Dan get his clothes
off?"
And Andrew went...
1262
00:42:57,242 --> 00:42:59,442
Off?"
And Andrew went...
"fuck!"
1263
00:42:59,444 --> 00:43:02,478
And Andrew went...
"fuck!"
And we went back in.
1264
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:03,746
"Fuck!"
And we went back in.
Andrew looks him up and down,
1265
00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:04,981
And we went back in.
Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,
1266
00:43:04,983 --> 00:43:07,750
Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.
1267
00:43:07,752 --> 00:43:09,152
And he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.
I know how he likes to be
1268
00:43:09,154 --> 00:43:10,587
"Look -- He's very fragile.
I know how he likes to be
picked up.
1269
00:43:10,589 --> 00:43:11,654
I know how he likes to be
picked up.
I'll lift him up.
1270
00:43:11,656 --> 00:43:13,923
Picked up.
I'll lift him up.
You take his pants off."
1271
00:43:13,925 --> 00:43:15,592
I'll lift him up.
You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
1272
00:43:15,594 --> 00:43:16,893
You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i
1273
00:43:16,895 --> 00:43:18,461
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their
1274
00:43:18,463 --> 00:43:23,366
By his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their
magical hold.
1275
00:43:23,368 --> 00:43:25,201
Couldn't have figured out their
magical hold.
I'm on my knees taking dan's
1276
00:43:25,203 --> 00:43:26,636
Magical hold.
I'm on my knees taking dan's
track-Suit pants off.
1277
00:43:26,638 --> 00:43:28,705
I'm on my knees taking dan's
track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,
1278
00:43:28,707 --> 00:43:30,273
Track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,
never got into fashion.
1279
00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:32,642
He always wore track-Suit pants,
never got into fashion.
And as I'm taking his track-Suit
1280
00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:34,978
Never got into fashion.
And as I'm taking his track-Suit
pants off, what many of you are
1281
00:43:34,980 --> 00:43:37,146
And as I'm taking his track-Suit
pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can Dan get an
1282
00:43:37,148 --> 00:43:40,149
Pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can Dan get an
erection?"
1283
00:43:40,151 --> 00:43:43,019
Wondering is, "can Dan get an
erection?"
And the answer is, "yes."
1284
00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:44,287
Erection?"
And the answer is, "yes."
Even though none of the muscles
1285
00:43:44,289 --> 00:43:45,521
And the answer is, "yes."
Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is
1286
00:43:45,523 --> 00:43:46,155
Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.
1287
00:43:46,157 --> 00:43:47,323
In his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.
The cock is a bit of skin that
1288
00:43:47,325 --> 00:43:48,191
Not a muscle.
The cock is a bit of skin that
fills with blood.
1289
00:43:48,193 --> 00:43:49,959
The cock is a bit of skin that
fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,
1290
00:43:49,961 --> 00:43:51,594
Fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.
1291
00:43:51,596 --> 00:43:55,865
If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this
1292
00:43:55,867 --> 00:43:59,402
Blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
1293
00:43:59,404 --> 00:44:01,838
Now, what nobody knew about this
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!
1294
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,307
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
1295
00:44:04,309 --> 00:44:06,843
Packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
disabled misery.
1296
00:44:06,845 --> 00:44:08,378
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i
1297
00:44:08,380 --> 00:44:10,079
Disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i
think that's why the rest of his
1298
00:44:10,081 --> 00:44:12,181
This cock's so fucking big, i
think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.
1299
00:44:12,183 --> 00:44:13,650
Think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.
I take the pants off.
1300
00:44:13,652 --> 00:44:15,585
Muscles didn't work.
I take the pants off.
This thing springs up and hits
1301
00:44:15,587 --> 00:44:17,553
I take the pants off.
This thing springs up and hits
me in the mouth.
1302
00:44:17,555 --> 00:44:32,502
Then the hooker goes, "let's do
the light."
Let's explain the light.
1303
00:44:32,504 --> 00:44:34,037
The light."
Let's explain the light.
When they legalized prostitution
1304
00:44:34,039 --> 00:44:35,238
Let's explain the light.
When they legalized prostitution
in Australia, they didn't
1305
00:44:35,240 --> 00:44:36,506
When they legalized prostitution
in Australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.
1306
00:44:36,508 --> 00:44:37,940
In Australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.
For instance, you cannot get a
1307
00:44:37,942 --> 00:44:39,042
Legalize it in all forms.
For instance, you cannot get a
street-Walking hooker.
1308
00:44:39,044 --> 00:44:40,510
For instance, you cannot get a
street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to
1309
00:44:40,512 --> 00:44:41,377
Street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to
your hotel room.
1310
00:44:41,379 --> 00:44:42,879
You cannot get a prostitute to
your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in
1311
00:44:42,881 --> 00:44:44,313
Your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in
a safe environment, where they
1312
00:44:44,315 --> 00:44:45,782
You can only go to a brothel, in
a safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in
1313
00:44:45,784 --> 00:44:47,116
A safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in
case a man shows up being a
1314
00:44:47,118 --> 00:44:49,419
Have security for the girls in
case a man shows up being a
drunken dickhead or whatever.
1315
00:44:49,421 --> 00:44:51,154
Case a man shows up being a
drunken dickhead or whatever.
And also it's safer for the
1316
00:44:51,156 --> 00:44:52,855
Drunken dickhead or whatever.
And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels
1317
00:44:52,857 --> 00:44:54,924
And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for
1318
00:44:54,926 --> 00:44:56,693
People that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for
stds every month.
1319
00:44:56,695 --> 00:44:59,495
Because the girls get tested for
stds every month.
So, arguably, you're better off
1320
00:44:59,497 --> 00:45:01,531
Stds every month.
So, arguably, you're better off
in Australia fucking a
1321
00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:04,133
So, arguably, you're better off
in Australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a
1322
00:45:04,135 --> 00:45:05,601
In Australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a
girl in a bar.
1323
00:45:05,603 --> 00:45:07,503
Prostitute than picking up a
girl in a bar.
But I'm not gonna have that
1324
00:45:07,505 --> 00:45:10,239
Girl in a bar.
But I'm not gonna have that
conversation again.
1325
00:45:10,241 --> 00:45:12,975
But I'm not gonna have that
conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining
1326
00:45:12,977 --> 00:45:13,976
Conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining
that to a girlfriend.
1327
00:45:13,978 --> 00:45:19,215
All my -- You try explaining
that to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.
1328
00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,050
That to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.
But also they make it safe for
1329
00:45:21,052 --> 00:45:21,818
It's a fucking minefield.
But also they make it safe for
the girls.
1330
00:45:21,820 --> 00:45:23,619
But also they make it safe for
the girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a
1331
00:45:23,621 --> 00:45:25,455
The girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a
prostitute, you have to undergo
1332
00:45:25,457 --> 00:45:26,255
If you're a guy who goes to a
prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.
1333
00:45:26,257 --> 00:45:27,323
Prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.
Let's explain the light.
1334
00:45:27,325 --> 00:45:28,324
The light.
Let's explain the light.
It's very simple.
1335
00:45:28,326 --> 00:45:30,593
Let's explain the light.
It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.
1336
00:45:30,595 --> 00:45:33,796
It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very
1337
00:45:33,798 --> 00:45:36,165
It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look
1338
00:45:36,167 --> 00:45:38,501
You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if
1339
00:45:38,503 --> 00:45:40,703
Bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if
there's anything untoward.
1340
00:45:40,705 --> 00:45:42,872
Around the shaft to see if
there's anything untoward.
Then they get a magnifying glass
1341
00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:44,874
There's anything untoward.
Then they get a magnifying glass
out, go through your pubes to
1342
00:45:44,876 --> 00:45:46,743
Then they get a magnifying glass
out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running
1343
00:45:46,745 --> 00:45:50,279
Out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running
around.
1344
00:45:50,281 --> 00:45:51,714
Make sure nothing's running
around.
It's not a big deal.
1345
00:45:51,716 --> 00:45:52,982
Around.
It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of
1346
00:45:52,984 --> 00:45:56,285
It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of
times.
1347
00:45:56,287 --> 00:45:58,254
I've been rejected heaps of
times.
Now, the chair's here.
1348
00:45:58,256 --> 00:45:59,822
Times.
Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.
1349
00:45:59,824 --> 00:46:01,624
Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.
1350
00:46:01,626 --> 00:46:03,025
There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.
1351
00:46:03,027 --> 00:46:05,061
There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair
1352
00:46:05,063 --> 00:46:07,130
The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,
1353
00:46:07,132 --> 00:46:09,165
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.
1354
00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:10,199
Past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.
So, me and Andrew walk over to
1355
00:46:10,201 --> 00:46:11,300
But we can't get it through.
So, me and Andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering
1356
00:46:11,302 --> 00:46:12,268
So, me and Andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want Dan to
1357
00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:12,568
The hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want Dan to
hear.
1358
00:46:12,570 --> 00:46:16,005
'Cause we don't want Dan to
hear.
We're like, "um...we can't do
1359
00:46:16,007 --> 00:46:18,474
Hear.
We're like, "um...we can't do
the light thing."
1360
00:46:18,476 --> 00:46:20,376
We're like, "um...we can't do
the light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do
1361
00:46:20,378 --> 00:46:22,712
The light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do
the light, I'm not doing it."
1362
00:46:22,714 --> 00:46:26,215
And she goes, "if you don't do
the light, I'm not doing it."
And me and Andrew went, "aw.
1363
00:46:26,217 --> 00:46:28,885
The light, I'm not doing it."
And me and Andrew went, "aw.
Come on.
1364
00:46:28,887 --> 00:46:29,719
And me and Andrew went, "aw.
Come on.
He's a virgin.
1365
00:46:29,721 --> 00:46:31,120
Come on.
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could
1366
00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:31,654
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could
happen?"
1367
00:46:31,656 --> 00:46:35,658
What's the worst that could
happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,
1368
00:46:35,660 --> 00:46:36,959
Happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,
I'm more concerned about his
1369
00:46:36,961 --> 00:46:39,028
And she whispered, "actually,
I'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."
1370
00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:40,797
I'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."
And then his brother Andrew said
1371
00:46:40,799 --> 00:46:44,167
Cleanliness."
And then his brother Andrew said
loudly and proudly, "i washed it
1372
00:46:44,169 --> 00:46:47,436
And then his brother Andrew said
loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"
1373
00:46:47,438 --> 00:46:49,038
Loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"
Now, you may think you're a good
1374
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:50,373
Before we came out!"
Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good
1375
00:46:50,375 --> 00:46:51,941
Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever
1376
00:46:51,943 --> 00:46:53,409
Brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever
the fuck you think you are in
1377
00:46:53,411 --> 00:46:54,911
Mother, good daughter, whatever
the fuck you think you are in
this world, but you're nothing
1378
00:46:54,913 --> 00:46:56,145
The fuck you think you are in
this world, but you're nothing
until you've washed your
1379
00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:57,713
This world, but you're nothing
until you've washed your
disabled brother's cock to take
1380
00:46:57,715 --> 00:47:00,082
Until you've washed your
disabled brother's cock to take
him to a prostitute!
1381
00:47:00,084 --> 00:47:01,818
Disabled brother's cock to take
him to a prostitute!
That is love, ladies and
1382
00:47:01,820 --> 00:47:03,920
Him to a prostitute!
That is love, ladies and
gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
1383
00:47:03,922 --> 00:47:09,025
That is love, ladies and
gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.
1384
00:47:09,027 --> 00:47:10,226
Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.
So, we looked at Dan.
1385
00:47:10,228 --> 00:47:11,861
Love.
So, we looked at Dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to
1386
00:47:11,863 --> 00:47:14,030
So, we looked at Dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to
go.
1387
00:47:14,032 --> 00:47:15,598
Everyone agreed it was time to
go.
We looked at Dan.
1388
00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:17,166
Go.
We looked at Dan.
Me and Andrew looked at him and
1389
00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:23,940
We looked at Dan.
Me and Andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.
1390
00:47:23,942 --> 00:47:25,074
Me and Andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to
1391
00:47:25,076 --> 00:47:26,142
Went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to
say to us, say it now, 'cause,
1392
00:47:26,144 --> 00:47:31,681
If you got anything you want to
say to us, say it now, 'cause,
we're gonna leave, mate."
1393
00:47:31,683 --> 00:47:33,649
Say to us, say it now, 'cause,
we're gonna leave, mate."
And this is what Dan did.
1394
00:47:54,606 --> 00:48:16,592
"Leave!"
So, me and Andrew went back down
to the bar, and we hanged out
1395
00:48:16,594 --> 00:48:17,994
So, me and Andrew went back down
to the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.
1396
00:48:17,996 --> 00:48:19,328
To the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.
There was like 10 of them sort
1397
00:48:19,330 --> 00:48:21,364
With the hookers.
There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.
1398
00:48:21,366 --> 00:48:24,333
There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.
We're standing there.
1399
00:48:24,335 --> 00:48:25,368
Of mulling around there.
We're standing there.
We don't know what dan's up to,
1400
00:48:25,370 --> 00:48:26,369
We're standing there.
We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the
1401
00:48:26,371 --> 00:48:28,004
We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.
1402
00:48:28,006 --> 00:48:30,673
But we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.
And then five guys from London
1403
00:48:30,675 --> 00:48:32,308
Bar with all the hookers.
And then five guys from London
walk into the bar, who are
1404
00:48:32,310 --> 00:48:34,143
And then five guys from London
walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking
1405
00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:35,378
Walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking
skulls on coke.
1406
00:48:35,380 --> 00:48:36,913
Obviously out of their fucking
skulls on coke.
Now, if you've never taken a
1407
00:48:36,915 --> 00:48:38,014
Skulls on coke.
Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and I've --
1408
00:48:38,016 --> 00:48:41,183
Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and I've --
1409
00:48:41,185 --> 00:48:42,385
Lot of coke, and I've --
if anyone's got any...
1410
00:48:42,387 --> 00:48:44,020
if anyone's got any...
1411
00:48:44,022 --> 00:48:47,890
- If anyone's got any...
- no, if you've never taken coke,
1412
00:48:47,892 --> 00:48:49,592
no, if you've never taken coke,
you don't -- When like five or
1413
00:48:49,594 --> 00:48:51,294
No, if you've never taken coke,
you don't -- When like five or
six guys get together and take
1414
00:48:51,296 --> 00:48:53,262
You don't -- When like five or
six guys get together and take
coke on, like, a Tuesday, there
1415
00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,197
Six guys get together and take
coke on, like, a Tuesday, there
comes a point at about 6:00 in
1416
00:48:55,199 --> 00:48:57,066
Coke on, like, a Tuesday, there
comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go, "we
1417
00:48:57,068 --> 00:48:58,100
Comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go, "we
better call up some chicks,
1418
00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:58,534
The morning when they go, "we
better call up some chicks,
maybe --"
1419
00:48:58,536 --> 00:48:59,702
Better call up some chicks,
maybe --"
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
1420
00:48:59,704 --> 00:49:00,903
Maybe --"
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
like, "bring some friends, bring
1421
00:49:00,905 --> 00:49:01,504
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."
1422
00:49:01,506 --> 00:49:03,239
Like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."
And it's like -- I don't know
1423
00:49:03,241 --> 00:49:04,607
Some friends."
And it's like -- I don't know
what you're expecting.
1424
00:49:04,609 --> 00:49:05,908
And it's like -- I don't know
what you're expecting.
So, basically, this --
1425
00:49:05,910 --> 00:49:07,476
What you're expecting.
So, basically, this --
I think it was a Wednesday we
1426
00:49:07,478 --> 00:49:09,178
So, basically, this --
I think it was a Wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys
1427
00:49:09,180 --> 00:49:10,680
I think it was a Wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.
1428
00:49:10,682 --> 00:49:11,681
Did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.
And they've obviously gone, "all
1429
00:49:11,683 --> 00:49:12,448
Had been on coke all night.
And they've obviously gone, "all
right, let's go down the
1430
00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:12,782
And they've obviously gone, "all
right, let's go down the
brothel.
1431
00:49:12,784 --> 00:49:13,582
Right, let's go down the
brothel.
We'll go down the brothel.
1432
00:49:13,584 --> 00:49:14,083
Brothel.
We'll go down the brothel.
It'll be fun.
1433
00:49:14,085 --> 00:49:14,951
We'll go down the brothel.
It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."
1434
00:49:14,953 --> 00:49:16,552
It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."
And I'm standing at the bar,
1435
00:49:16,554 --> 00:49:18,321
We'll go down the brothel."
And I'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,
1436
00:49:18,323 --> 00:49:20,122
And I'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from London
1437
00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:21,524
Chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from London
walk in, and one of them
1438
00:49:21,526 --> 00:49:24,160
And these five guys from London
walk in, and one of them
recognizes me and goes,
1439
00:49:24,162 --> 00:49:25,161
Walk in, and one of them
recognizes me and goes,
"Jim fucking jefferies,
1440
00:49:25,163 --> 00:49:26,095
Recognizes me and goes,
"Jim fucking jefferies,
Jim fucking jefferies.
1441
00:49:26,097 --> 00:49:27,229
"Jim fucking jefferies,
Jim fucking jefferies.
I know you, mate. I know you.
1442
00:49:27,231 --> 00:49:28,364
Jim fucking jefferies.
I know you, mate. I know you.
You're the comedian -- The
1443
00:49:28,366 --> 00:49:29,598
I know you, mate. I know you.
You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, Australian
1444
00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:31,968
You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, Australian
comedian."
1445
00:49:31,970 --> 00:49:33,369
'Spaz approved' guy, Australian
comedian."
And i went, "hey, how you doing,
1446
00:49:33,371 --> 00:49:33,736
Comedian."
And i went, "hey, how you doing,
man?"
1447
00:49:33,738 --> 00:49:35,004
And i went, "hey, how you doing,
man?"
He goes, "hey, Jim, Jim, Jim,
1448
00:49:35,006 --> 00:49:37,306
Man?"
He goes, "hey, Jim, Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim, Jim...
1449
00:49:37,308 --> 00:49:39,141
He goes, "hey, Jim, Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim, Jim...
want a line of coke?"
1450
00:49:39,143 --> 00:49:43,145
Jim, Jim, Jim...
want a line of coke?"
And i went, "yes."
1451
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:45,715
Want a line of coke?"
And i went, "yes."
And i went up to the toilet
1452
00:49:45,717 --> 00:49:46,816
And i went, "yes."
And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.
1453
00:49:46,818 --> 00:49:48,351
And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,
1454
00:49:48,353 --> 00:49:50,052
And did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,
obviously, I've left Andrew
1455
00:49:50,054 --> 00:49:51,687
And i come back out, and,
obviously, I've left Andrew
alone for too long, and he's
1456
00:49:51,689 --> 00:49:53,155
Obviously, I've left Andrew
alone for too long, and he's
sort of panicking all by
1457
00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:53,789
Alone for too long, and he's
sort of panicking all by
himself.
1458
00:49:53,791 --> 00:49:57,660
Sort of panicking all by
himself.
And i sort of walk in, like...
1459
00:49:57,662 --> 00:49:59,895
Himself.
And i sort of walk in, like...
"what's wrong?"
1460
00:49:59,897 --> 00:50:01,163
And i sort of walk in, like...
"what's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done
1461
00:50:01,165 --> 00:50:02,264
"What's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done
the wrong thing here?
1462
00:50:02,266 --> 00:50:03,566
And he goes, "what if we've done
the wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying
1463
00:50:03,568 --> 00:50:04,166
The wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying
right now?
1464
00:50:04,168 --> 00:50:05,368
What if he's in there dying
right now?
What if he stopped fucking
1465
00:50:05,370 --> 00:50:06,836
Right now?
What if he stopped fucking
breathing or -- What the fuck --
1466
00:50:06,838 --> 00:50:07,903
What if he stopped fucking
breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?
1467
00:50:07,905 --> 00:50:09,238
Breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?
What the fuck are we meant to
1468
00:50:09,240 --> 00:50:09,605
Or his heart stopped?
What the fuck are we meant to
do?"
1469
00:50:09,607 --> 00:50:11,240
What the fuck are we meant to
do?"
I said, "not a problem,
1470
00:50:11,242 --> 00:50:12,074
Do?"
I said, "not a problem,
not a problem.
1471
00:50:12,076 --> 00:50:14,643
I said, "not a problem,
not a problem.
Um...
1472
00:50:14,645 --> 00:50:17,179
Not a problem.
Um...
i'll resuscitate him."
1473
00:50:17,181 --> 00:50:18,447
Um...
i'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to
1474
00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:18,914
I'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to
do that?"
1475
00:50:18,916 --> 00:50:20,016
And he said, "do you know how to
do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but
1476
00:50:20,018 --> 00:50:20,883
Do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but
how hard could it be?
1477
00:50:20,885 --> 00:50:25,021
And i said, "no, i don't, but
how hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."
1478
00:50:25,023 --> 00:50:26,022
How hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."
1479
00:50:26,024 --> 00:50:27,289
Push, push, blow, blow."
i haven't embellished that in
1480
00:50:27,291 --> 00:50:27,990
i haven't embellished that in
the slightest.
1481
00:50:27,992 --> 00:50:29,191
I haven't embellished that in
the slightest.
That's the exact thing i said
1482
00:50:29,193 --> 00:50:31,827
The slightest.
That's the exact thing i said
to him -- "Push, push, blow,
1483
00:50:31,829 --> 00:50:36,298
That's the exact thing i said
to him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."
1484
00:50:36,300 --> 00:50:38,200
To him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."
Then the prostitute walks back
1485
00:50:38,202 --> 00:50:40,036
Blow."
Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with Dan.
1486
00:50:40,038 --> 00:50:42,004
Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with Dan.
So, I'm standing with the 5 coke
1487
00:50:42,006 --> 00:50:44,940
In the room, who was with Dan.
So, I'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.
1488
00:50:44,942 --> 00:50:45,941
So, I'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.
1489
00:50:45,943 --> 00:50:47,276
Fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.
It's like that moment in a movie
1490
00:50:47,278 --> 00:50:48,544
She walks in the room.
It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record
1491
00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:49,445
It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...
1492
00:50:49,447 --> 00:50:51,047
Where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...
1493
00:50:51,049 --> 00:50:54,383
Just sort of goes...
and everything stopped.
1494
00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:57,119
and everything stopped.
And she walked in, and she said,
1495
00:50:57,121 --> 00:51:01,724
And everything stopped.
And she walked in, and she said,
"well...it's over."
1496
00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,192
And she walked in, and she said,
"well...it's over."
And me and Andrew, in unison,
1497
00:51:03,194 --> 00:51:05,728
"Well...it's over."
And me and Andrew, in unison,
went...
1498
00:51:05,730 --> 00:51:07,663
And me and Andrew, in unison,
went...
"is he dead?"
1499
00:51:07,665 --> 00:51:24,847
And her exact words were,
"i didn't check that."
So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke
1500
00:51:24,849 --> 00:51:26,682
"I didn't check that."
So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
1501
00:51:26,684 --> 00:51:28,050
So, me, Andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.
1502
00:51:28,052 --> 00:51:29,385
Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.
No, he's not dead!
1503
00:51:29,387 --> 00:51:31,387
All run to the room.
No, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright
1504
00:51:31,389 --> 00:51:32,154
No, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright
position.
1505
00:51:32,156 --> 00:51:34,056
His chair's back in the upright
position.
His cock is still sitting up,
1506
00:51:34,058 --> 00:51:35,958
Position.
His cock is still sitting up,
majestically, covered in jizz
1507
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:37,860
His cock is still sitting up,
majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.
1508
00:51:37,862 --> 00:51:39,428
Majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.
But for a man who an hour ago
1509
00:51:39,430 --> 00:51:41,030
And spit.
But for a man who an hour ago
couldn't lift his eyelids, he
1510
00:51:41,032 --> 00:51:44,600
But for a man who an hour ago
couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.
1511
00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:47,603
Couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.
1512
00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,572
- Was sitting there like this.
- now, you might be wondering why
1513
00:51:49,574 --> 00:51:51,974
now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.
1514
00:51:51,976 --> 00:51:53,409
Now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.
Let me explain something.
1515
00:51:53,411 --> 00:51:55,511
His eyelids were up like that.
Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.
1516
00:51:55,513 --> 00:51:57,580
Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.
1517
00:51:57,582 --> 00:51:58,814
It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.
1518
00:51:58,816 --> 00:52:00,783
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i
1519
00:52:00,785 --> 00:52:01,984
I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.
1520
00:52:01,986 --> 00:52:04,487
I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not
1521
00:52:04,489 --> 00:52:06,489
Was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not
missed a day.
1522
00:52:06,491 --> 00:52:08,757
And in that time, i have not
missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.
1523
00:52:08,759 --> 00:52:10,893
Missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.
1524
00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:13,095
Every single day, i masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, I'm in a hotel room
1525
00:52:13,097 --> 00:52:15,364
Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, I'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my
1526
00:52:15,366 --> 00:52:17,633
Every day, I'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to
1527
00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,101
With a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to
look at the filth I'm doing to
1528
00:52:19,103 --> 00:52:19,702
Chest here, so i don't have to
look at the filth I'm doing to
myself.
1529
00:52:19,704 --> 00:52:21,804
Look at the filth I'm doing to
myself.
So, I'm watching porn here.
1530
00:52:21,806 --> 00:52:23,939
Myself.
So, I'm watching porn here.
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
1531
00:52:23,941 --> 00:52:26,976
So, I'm watching porn here.
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?
1532
00:52:26,978 --> 00:52:28,277
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?
1533
00:52:28,279 --> 00:52:30,312
- Apple sign, right?
- and i do this every single
1534
00:52:30,314 --> 00:52:31,413
and i do this every single
fucking day.
1535
00:52:31,415 --> 00:52:33,782
And i do this every single
fucking day.
Yet i would be mortified if any
1536
00:52:33,784 --> 00:52:35,985
Fucking day.
Yet i would be mortified if any
one of you was to ever see me
1537
00:52:35,987 --> 00:52:37,052
Yet i would be mortified if any
one of you was to ever see me
doing this.
1538
00:52:37,054 --> 00:52:39,188
One of you was to ever see me
doing this.
I would want to fucking kill
1539
00:52:39,190 --> 00:52:39,989
Doing this.
I would want to fucking kill
myself.
1540
00:52:39,991 --> 00:52:43,159
I would want to fucking kill
myself.
And i do this every single
1541
00:52:43,161 --> 00:52:45,060
Myself.
And i do this every single
fucking day.
1542
00:52:45,062 --> 00:52:46,529
And i do this every single
fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never
1543
00:52:46,531 --> 00:52:48,097
Fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never
ejaculated through the power of
1544
00:52:48,099 --> 00:52:49,498
Now, imagine if you've never
ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had
1545
00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:50,966
Ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had
another person do it, you're
1546
00:52:50,968 --> 00:52:52,868
Yourself, you've never had
another person do it, you're
32 years old, and for the first
1547
00:52:52,870 --> 00:52:54,503
Another person do it, you're
32 years old, and for the first
time you've shot a load of
1548
00:52:54,505 --> 00:52:56,405
32 years old, and for the first
time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the
1549
00:52:56,407 --> 00:52:58,807
Time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the
fucking room and you're sitting
1550
00:52:58,809 --> 00:53:02,344
Fucking stale jizz all over the
fucking room and you're sitting
there with your cock out and 15
1551
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:05,381
Fucking room and you're sitting
there with your cock out and 15
strangers walks in and you do
1552
00:53:05,383 --> 00:53:08,717
There with your cock out and 15
strangers walks in and you do
not possess the power to put
1553
00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:13,222
Strangers walks in and you do
not possess the power to put
your cock away.
1554
00:53:13,224 --> 00:53:15,224
Not possess the power to put
your cock away.
Can you see how that might be a
1555
00:53:15,226 --> 00:53:21,197
Your cock away.
Can you see how that might be a
bit unhinging?
1556
00:53:21,199 --> 00:53:22,598
Can you see how that might be a
bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed
1557
00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:24,266
Bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed
quickly.
1558
00:53:24,268 --> 00:53:27,036
So, we had to get him dressed
quickly.
But there's come everywhere.
1559
00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:29,038
Quickly.
But there's come everywhere.
And this time, i look him up and
1560
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:29,605
But there's come everywhere.
And this time, i look him up and
down.
1561
00:53:29,607 --> 00:53:31,607
And this time, i look him up and
down.
And i turned to Andrew and said,
1562
00:53:31,609 --> 00:53:33,609
Down.
And i turned to Andrew and said,
"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how
1563
00:53:33,611 --> 00:53:34,677
And i turned to Andrew and said,
"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.
1564
00:53:34,679 --> 00:53:36,478
"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.
I'm taking the top half this
1565
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:38,380
Fragile he is.
I'm taking the top half this
time."
1566
00:53:38,382 --> 00:53:40,916
I'm taking the top half this
time."
And we lifted him up...
1567
00:53:40,918 --> 00:53:43,352
Time."
And we lifted him up...
and we put his pants on and we
1568
00:53:43,354 --> 00:53:45,754
And we lifted him up...
and we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.
1569
00:53:45,756 --> 00:53:48,691
And we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.
Now, as we left the brothel, i
1570
00:53:48,693 --> 00:53:49,358
Proceeded to leave the brothel.
Now, as we left the brothel, i
turned to Dan.
1571
00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:51,961
Now, as we left the brothel, i
turned to Dan.
I said, "Dan, i paid for a
1572
00:53:51,963 --> 00:53:53,028
Turned to Dan.
I said, "Dan, i paid for a
story.
1573
00:53:53,030 --> 00:53:55,130
I said, "Dan, i paid for a
story.
Please tell me what happened."
1574
00:53:55,132 --> 00:53:59,235
Story.
Please tell me what happened."
And he said, "well, she danced
1575
00:53:59,237 --> 00:54:01,770
Please tell me what happened."
And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in
1576
00:54:01,772 --> 00:54:06,475
And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"
1577
00:54:06,477 --> 00:54:07,743
Around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"
which is what i asked her to do.
1578
00:54:07,745 --> 00:54:09,612
My face, and sucked me off,"
which is what i asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled
1579
00:54:09,614 --> 00:54:14,350
Which is what i asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled
sex puppeteer.
1580
00:54:14,352 --> 00:54:16,118
It's so nice to be a disabled
sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --
1581
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:18,020
Sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --
I used to have a preconceived
1582
00:54:18,022 --> 00:54:19,955
But even nicer than that --
I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about
1583
00:54:19,957 --> 00:54:21,991
I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,
1584
00:54:21,993 --> 00:54:23,726
Notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,
but i was wrong.
1585
00:54:23,728 --> 00:54:25,527
People such as prostitutes, man,
but i was wrong.
That woman treated him with
1586
00:54:25,529 --> 00:54:27,663
But i was wrong.
That woman treated him with
dignity and respect and made him
1587
00:54:27,665 --> 00:54:29,765
That woman treated him with
dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the
1588
00:54:29,767 --> 00:54:32,401
Dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the
only time in his life.
1589
00:54:32,403 --> 00:54:33,636
Feel like a sexual being for the
only time in his life.
And you can't put a price on
1590
00:54:33,638 --> 00:54:36,538
Only time in his life.
And you can't put a price on
that, all right?
1591
00:54:36,540 --> 00:54:40,342
And you can't put a price on
that, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The
1592
00:54:40,344 --> 00:54:42,311
That, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The
exact -- The exact figure.
1593
00:54:42,313 --> 00:54:56,825
Then we go out front, and we go
to call a taxi, and the taxi
driver who drove us there is
1594
00:54:56,827 --> 00:54:58,560
To call a taxi, and the taxi
driver who drove us there is
still sitting out the front in
1595
00:54:58,562 --> 00:54:59,228
Driver who drove us there is
still sitting out the front in
his car.
1596
00:54:59,230 --> 00:55:01,030
Still sitting out the front in
his car.
And he winds his window down and
1597
00:55:01,032 --> 00:55:02,865
His car.
And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes, "i'll drive
1598
00:55:02,867 --> 00:55:04,033
And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.
1599
00:55:04,035 --> 00:55:05,467
Looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.
I just need to know what
1600
00:55:05,469 --> 00:55:07,403
You home for free.
I just need to know what
happened."
1601
00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:09,004
I just need to know what
happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and
1602
00:55:09,006 --> 00:55:09,672
Happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.
1603
00:55:09,674 --> 00:55:10,973
Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.
Good night.
1604
00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:13,609
- Gentlemen.
- Good night.
1605
00:55:52,717 --> 00:56:05,861
Hey!
1606
00:56:05,863 --> 00:56:22,311
Hey!
she's an natural mover
1607
00:56:22,313 --> 00:56:23,679
she's an natural mover
1608
00:56:23,681 --> 00:56:26,081
does it like a hoover
1609
00:56:26,083 --> 00:56:27,816
does it like a hoover
yeah, yeah, yeah,
1610
00:56:27,818 --> 00:56:30,052
yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah
184707
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