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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,500
[dripping]
3
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,825
[Matthew] Yep, check, check. Yep.
4
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:19,250
[Zach sighing]
5
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:21,143
- [Matthew] Thank you.
- [Zach] Sorry about the leaky pipes.
6
00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:22,827
It shouldn't affect the interview at all.
7
00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,476
[Matthew] You good with soundand everything on that?
8
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,820
[Zach] We'll take it out in post.
9
00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:30,338
[Matthew] Uh, that's just plumbing,'cause it's not even raining outside.
10
00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:32,708
- [Zach] Sorry.
- [bell ringing]
11
00:00:32,917 --> 00:00:35,497
Hi, welcome to another editionof Between Two Ferns.
12
00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:37,043
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
13
00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,825
and today my guest is...
14
00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:40,633
Matthew...
15
00:00:40,792 --> 00:00:41,922
McConnach...
16
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,000
McCannoway.
17
00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,208
Matthew McConnarr...
18
00:00:45,292 --> 00:00:46,132
[dripping continues]
19
00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,168
Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.
20
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,745
Good to be here, Zach.
21
00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,713
[flatly] All right, all right, all right.
22
00:00:55,375 --> 00:00:58,375
Sorry, I was just reading the box office
returns for your last three movies.
23
00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:01,332
All right.
24
00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:02,958
All right.
25
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,490
I guess that one was all right.
26
00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,883
I notice that you're wearing a shirt.
27
00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:09,327
Is everything okay?
28
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:10,537
[chuckles derisively]
29
00:01:10,917 --> 00:01:11,917
You fucking kidding me?
30
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,332
Of all the things
you can win an Oscar for,
31
00:01:14,417 --> 00:01:16,877
how surprised are you
that you won one for acting?
32
00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:18,495
Here we go.
33
00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,633
But so did that guy
from Thirty Seconds To Mars.
34
00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:22,292
So, um...
35
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,575
how proud can you really be?
36
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,537
How much time do we have?
37
00:01:24,625 --> 00:01:27,059
I'm out of here in about 15 minutes,
so whatever. Do something.
38
00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:27,963
What do you have to do?
39
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:30,672
Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible,
shirtless?
40
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,750
Yeah.
41
00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,583
Your dad died while having sex
with your mom,
42
00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,917
and you've said that you want
to go out the same way.
43
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,422
You and your mom need
to set up some boundaries.
44
00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:41,518
- No, it's not true.
- I wasn't...
45
00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:43,018
- Next question.
- It wasn't supposed to be funny.
46
00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:45,122
- It's just a rumor that I heard.
- Yeah, I hear you.
47
00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,037
Who do you think will accidentally
starve himself to death first,
48
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:49,285
you or Christian Bale?
49
00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:52,455
You lost so much weight for that movie,
50
00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:55,457
I thought you might die from fake AIDS.
51
00:01:55,542 --> 00:01:57,252
I've got three kids, I got a wife.
52
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:58,333
What have you got?
53
00:01:58,958 --> 00:01:59,958
Besides two ferns?
54
00:02:00,042 --> 00:02:02,042
[dripping intensifies]
55
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,380
At least you're watering them, I see.
56
00:02:06,542 --> 00:02:07,882
Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.
57
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:09,809
- We'll fix it in the edit.
- Doesn't bother me.
58
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:11,833
[loud dripping in bucket]
59
00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:13,247
[sighing] I'm so... I'm so sorry.
60
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:14,538
Can I just, uh...
61
00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,792
...see what's going on with these pipes?
62
00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,083
I got a lighter.
63
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,575
Dude, don't do that.
64
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:28,377
[fire alarm ringing]
65
00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:32,208
[Zach] Help!
66
00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:36,752
[Matthew] A little help here?
67
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,207
[Matthew] I can't get out!
68
00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:49,075
[yelling] Who was the idiot
that installed the sprinkler system?
69
00:02:49,708 --> 00:02:52,668
- [Matthew] What's the way out, Zach?
- I don't know, Matthew!
70
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,101
[Matthew]
Well, where did we come in from?
71
00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:57,125
I don't recall, Matthew,
I'm a little... stressed!
72
00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,208
[fire alarm stops ringing]
73
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,583
[panting]
Well, they turned the sprinklers off.
74
00:03:03,042 --> 00:03:04,382
[both exclaiming]
75
00:03:04,958 --> 00:03:08,538
[theme playing]
76
00:03:24,042 --> 00:03:26,042
[bird chirping]
77
00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,422
[director] And... action.
78
00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:42,583
Hello,
79
00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,753
and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,
80
00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:46,963
the story of Between Two Ferns,
81
00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,082
a special feature-length documentary
82
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,247
providing an inside glimpse
at my award-losing talk show.
83
00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,040
I'm Zach Galifianakis.
84
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:55,995
We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,
85
00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,458
where I've taped my show
for over ten years.
86
00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:00,462
Not only do I host the show,
87
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,168
but I will be your tour guide
88
00:04:02,417 --> 00:04:04,207
throughout your cinematic experience.
89
00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,627
Who knows,
maybe the movie will even be in 3D?
90
00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:08,790
[chuckles]
91
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,038
Little trivia about my show,
92
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,630
I originally wanted to call it
Betwixt Two Ferns,
93
00:04:13,708 --> 00:04:15,788
but I thought that was
too highbrow for the public.
94
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,132
Our journey begins here,
like most classic tales,
95
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:24,038
with our hero opening a door
into adventure.
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00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,710
[director] And... cut.
97
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,170
Great, that was the best one.
98
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:31,393
Twenty-one takes is good for you?
99
00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:33,518
Twenty-one takes?
That's really, really good for me, yep.
100
00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:34,462
[director] We can move on?
101
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,782
- Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect.
- Okay, move on!
102
00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,825
[Zach] I grew up here in the small townof Flinch, North Carolina,
103
00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,707
and ever since I was a kid, I...
104
00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:47,462
dreamed of being a big
network TV personality.
105
00:04:47,542 --> 00:04:51,212
[studio audience laughing]
106
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,213
[inaudible]
107
00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,375
[Zach] But things haven't worked outexactly as planned.
108
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- [synth theme music playing]
- [announcer] From Flinch, North Carolina,
109
00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:01,828
it's Flinch Public Access Television!
110
00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:06,000
Anybody watching this show
has the ability to make a piñata.
111
00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,184
- You're lying. You didn't say that.
- The lifeblood of America.
112
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,101
- You told me it was about waste water.
- I don't lie.
113
00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:12,785
I have no idea what I'd do without you.
114
00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:15,785
Think about soccer,
you don't even use your hands.
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00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:18,212
That's what makes us human.
116
00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:19,915
Didn't like that card.
117
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,867
Didn't like that card, either.
118
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,417
Where do you keep your Oscar?
119
00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:24,792
I mean your, uh...
120
00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:26,503
Blockbuster Entertainment Award?
121
00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:33,247
We are here, at, uh...
122
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,460
Flinch Public Access Television,
123
00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:37,422
FPAT-V, for short.
124
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,080
What's great about public access
125
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:41,417
is the feel of community.
126
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,210
Here comes the tornado.
127
00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,535
[Zach] Anybody's voice can be heard here.
128
00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,125
Top that, motherfucker.
129
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,420
[Zach] This is where I've beentaping my shows for over a decade now.
130
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:54,747
- Hi.
- [receptionist] Hi!
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00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:55,958
I'm, uh...
132
00:05:56,292 --> 00:06:00,292
Keanu Reeves and I'm here
for Between Two Ferns.
133
00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,705
Oh, yeah.
134
00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:03,922
[Between Two Ferns theme playing]
135
00:06:05,417 --> 00:06:06,737
Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.
136
00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:07,952
Welcome to another edition...
137
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:09,750
of Between Two Ferns.
138
00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,083
Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.
139
00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:15,288
- Thank you for being here.
- Thanks for having me here.
140
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,325
You have a big scar, I hear,
from a motorcycle accident?
141
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:19,707
Yeah, I do, yeah.
142
00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,083
Is it... Where is it?
143
00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,684
- Just goes from here to here.
- Big one?
144
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,101
- God, that big?
- Yeah, it's about...
145
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,075
I have a similar scar on my...
on my leg.
146
00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,333
From what?
147
00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:30,172
Walked out of the movie Lake House.
148
00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:32,832
Bumped into the seat in front of me.
149
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,380
On a scale of one to 100,
150
00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:37,748
how many words do you know?
151
00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:39,880
One to 100?
152
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,580
Like, do you know 50 words?
153
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:42,997
Do you know 75 words?
154
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,673
Do you know 18 words?
155
00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,375
Is it frustrating, uh...
156
00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,788
to have people think of you
as a complete bozo?
157
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,542
When the truth is that you're just...
158
00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,788
a man with below average intelligence?
159
00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:55,958
Just do...
160
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,418
one for yes, and then...
161
00:06:58,792 --> 00:06:59,792
two for no.
162
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,753
Do you research your roles?
163
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,167
Yeah.
164
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:06,665
Have you ever considered researching
a character that has taken acting classes?
165
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,455
Right now I'm acting like this is fun.
166
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:11,830
How am I doing?
167
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,287
[Zach] It's a good show.
168
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:17,125
Right now,
it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...
169
00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:20,960
southeastern North Carolina's
public access television market.
170
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,497
I mean, do I have other dreams?
171
00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:25,785
I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.
172
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,380
But, ultimately, in life,
I'd like to have my own
173
00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,165
late night talk show.
174
00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:34,125
But this, for now,
175
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,500
what I have now...
176
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,333
this will do.
177
00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,083
[Will] Who's on cocaine?
178
00:07:43,292 --> 00:07:45,542
I'm sorry, I thought someone said
someone's on cocaine,
179
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,785
and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"
180
00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:49,333
'Cause it's not me.
181
00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:50,497
[sniffing]
182
00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,633
You ready? Let's do it.
[clears throat]
183
00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:55,422
[director]
Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?
184
00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:58,172
When I, uh, first saw some...
185
00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,288
footage of...
186
00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:01,415
[chuckling]
187
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,333
...this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,
188
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:08,167
[laughing] I thought...
I thought it was a practical joke.
189
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,420
I don't know if you wanna get
a tight shot of that?
190
00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:13,747
America's Dumbest Television Hosts.
191
00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,037
[laughing]
192
00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:18,245
And, uh, I saw him on this tape
and he was so...
193
00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:19,423
He was such an idiot,
194
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,128
and he was so dumb,
195
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:22,955
and so fat.
196
00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:25,253
So, uh, without asking,
197
00:08:25,958 --> 00:08:28,878
I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,
198
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:30,667
and, uh...
199
00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:31,917
All the clicks.
200
00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,375
Over 500 trillion and counting.
201
00:08:34,708 --> 00:08:36,038
And those clicks...
202
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,790
equals more green,
203
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:40,670
which equals more white,
204
00:08:40,792 --> 00:08:41,672
[sniffs loudly]
205
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,080
which equals more...
206
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:45,792
purple.
207
00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,415
That's me putting on a big,
208
00:08:49,292 --> 00:08:50,582
purple feather boa.
209
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,007
Yeah, so, I signed him
to an exclusive contract
210
00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,293
and, you know,
211
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,625
started forcing my Hollywood friends
to be interviewed by him.
212
00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:01,825
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
213
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,577
Uh, my guest today is...
214
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,250
Chance the Rapper.
215
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:06,997
Hi.
216
00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:08,963
You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.
217
00:09:09,042 --> 00:09:10,632
Why aren't you also an astronaut?
218
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:14,415
[chuckling] Uh...
I don't know. I'm not very, uh...
219
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:18,168
- like, I don't come from, uh...
- Space.
220
00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:20,038
Yep.
221
00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,495
If your parents had not named you
Chance the Rapper,
222
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,743
do you think you would have
pursued a different career?
223
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,168
My parents didn't name me
Chance the Rapper.
224
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:28,330
That's a stage name.
225
00:09:28,417 --> 00:09:29,417
Any siblings?
226
00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:31,172
I have one brother, yeah.
227
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:32,330
What's he do for a living?
228
00:09:32,417 --> 00:09:33,417
He's a rapper too.
229
00:09:33,792 --> 00:09:34,672
What is his name?
230
00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:36,210
Community Chest the Rapper?
231
00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:38,787
Uh, no.
232
00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:41,165
You're friends with Kanye West.
233
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,292
That's the joke.
234
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,040
I don't like that joke.
235
00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,643
[Zach] Will you just give these a chance?
236
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,667
They're fine.
237
00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:52,382
This is good stuff.
238
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,832
[whispering]
Stop fucking playing with me right now.
239
00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,809
[director] So, it seems like you havea lot of responsibility here.
240
00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:00,423
I do. The show carries
a lot of responsibility,
241
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,143
- but, you know...
- [man sighing] Oh, my God.
242
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,877
I'm surrounded by a really good team.
243
00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,498
My office is right this way.
244
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,633
Got a great view of everybody,
I can kinda keep an eye on things.
245
00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:11,418
[banging loudly]
246
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,957
I feel sorry for people who use laptops.
[laughs]
247
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,463
They don't get that exercise.
248
00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:19,133
I'm Carol.
249
00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:22,668
I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah.
250
00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:24,535
He cares about his job.
251
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,628
He's very creative.
252
00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,538
He's very clever.
253
00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,915
So, I do a lot of things for him,
he's very busy, and...
254
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,288
um, he just needs somebody
to take care of all the details,
255
00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:34,875
and I'm happy to do it.
256
00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,248
Sometimes words are overwhelming for him.
257
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:39,226
He needs to just
kind of break it up a little bit.
258
00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:42,460
Zach likes me to cut out all the big
top stories of the day from the newspaper.
259
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:45,018
Just throw them in the trash
so he can just look at the pictures.
260
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,351
I've written down lists of things
261
00:10:46,375 --> 00:10:48,309
that I wanted him to make sure
he remembered, and...
262
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,963
his brain just doesn't work that way.
263
00:10:50,042 --> 00:10:50,882
He needs it to be drawn.
264
00:10:50,958 --> 00:10:52,708
So, it'll just be a picture of him,
265
00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:54,083
in bed,
266
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,165
and every step,
from removing the covers,
267
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:57,670
standing up, walking...
268
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,880
And then after that,
269
00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:00,328
that's you in the car.
270
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:01,827
When I leave?
271
00:11:01,917 --> 00:11:02,917
Yeah.
272
00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:04,633
- Hey.
- Hi.
273
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,880
Zach also has me run
personal errands for him.
274
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,133
For instance, he has very sensitive skin,
275
00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:12,078
and he needs to wear panty liners
to protect his private area.
276
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:14,788
I call her the Getter.
277
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,330
She gets it.
278
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,957
She gets me and she gets...
279
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:19,538
guest,
280
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:22,625
and she gets...
she gets things for me.
281
00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,878
So I call her the Getter.
282
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,583
And, uh...
283
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,080
she's wonderful.
284
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,417
So, Zach has a thing called
"fernspection,"
285
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,920
where he wants to make sure
that the ferns are just so,
286
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,540
and they have to be
exactly the same in every episode.
287
00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,165
He likes that continuity.
288
00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:39,378
Green as ever. They look great.
289
00:11:41,583 --> 00:11:42,793
[lips smacking]
290
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,170
Moisture's nice. Good.
291
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:47,710
[electronic tape measure whirring]
292
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:48,958
[Carol] Ow.
293
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,958
- Why do they look so different?
- I don't...
294
00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:57,382
I don't know how to take care of these.
Keep killing them.
295
00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,012
I just buy new ones
whenever we have a show.
296
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,309
[electronic tape measure whirring]
297
00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:05,333
Is the width off to you? No, that's right.
298
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:06,382
Looks good.
299
00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:08,458
That's exactly what it was last time.
300
00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:11,463
[whirring]
301
00:12:12,042 --> 00:12:13,132
What's the readout?
302
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:14,351
- I have one.
- Whoa. No, no, no.
303
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,375
It says one.
304
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:16,880
I gotta say...
305
00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,877
it's hard to believe I've used
the same ferns all these years.
306
00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,333
- Okay. So, yeah, we all set?
- [Zach] Yeah.
307
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,870
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
308
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,203
- Good work. Really good work.
- [tape measure whirrs]
309
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:28,723
Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about...
310
00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:30,667
[sighs with relief]
311
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,320
[director] So, I've heard peoplecall you by your nickname.
312
00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,627
Can you explain what it means?
313
00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:37,712
I'm nicknamed Cam
because it's short for Cameron.
314
00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:40,167
A lot of people say, like,
"No, you're nicknamed Cam
315
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:43,080
because now you work with cameras,"
but that's not true.
316
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,957
I'm probably one of the top,
317
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:47,247
you know, 50...
318
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:48,253
[tuba sputtering]
319
00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,503
...probably top 50 cameramen
you can find.
320
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,290
[Zach] I'm not crazy about him.
321
00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,245
His attitude is... sloppy.
322
00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,540
I asked for an ecu of the button.
323
00:12:58,917 --> 00:13:00,167
[stammering] You know? And I...
324
00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:01,582
I didn't see your camera move.
325
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,707
An ECU?
326
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:04,128
[Cam] Zach is...
327
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:07,327
and I'll say this
the nicest way I know how,
328
00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:09,292
he is an absolute piece of shit,
329
00:13:09,792 --> 00:13:11,252
garbage rat, loser,
330
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:12,625
uh, donkey.
331
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,748
He's the biggest piece of shit
I've met in my life
332
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,793
and I've met some big pieces of shit.
333
00:13:17,958 --> 00:13:19,578
In life and in a toilet.
334
00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:22,133
I have a really good time,
and I like Zach.
335
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,000
I think he's...
I think he's sweet.
336
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,976
You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party.
You know, Cecil, the janitor?
337
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:27,880
She's good.
338
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,168
I like her enthusiasm.
339
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,476
[whispering] A little annoying.
340
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,380
We didn't have cupcakes,
'cause he's vegan now.
341
00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:33,658
Did you know that, he's vegan?
342
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,915
- [Zach] No, I didn't.
- Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons.
343
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,130
It's fine, I mean...
344
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,420
[whispering] That woman
fucking annoys the shit out of me.
345
00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:44,809
[director] So there's a lot of celebrities
passing through the studio, right?
346
00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,463
Oh, yeah, tons and tons.
Like, everybody.
347
00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,882
I feel like there's nobody
who hasn't been through here.
348
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,768
Thank you so much
for doing this pre-interview.
349
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:52,768
- [Rashida] Yeah.
- So, I heard you have a funny story.
350
00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:53,792
We'd love to hear it.
351
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,633
Oh, yeah, so, basically,
I got home late from work
352
00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:58,498
and I was really tired and I parked...
353
00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,183
[softly] Maybe ask her what race she is.
354
00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:02,915
I'm not sure how that's relevant here.
355
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,670
Okay, is there something, like,
light you wanna talk about,
356
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,960
that's, like, something funny?
357
00:14:07,042 --> 00:14:08,362
I think you kind of...
It's not...
358
00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:09,707
It doesn't have to be like that.
359
00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,665
Yeah, like a flippant story
about being half black, half white
360
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:13,750
or something like that.
361
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:15,790
Hi, I'm Zach.
362
00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,495
- Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation.
- Oh, God.
363
00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:20,127
That is refreshing to hear.
364
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:24,075
I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors
with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff
365
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,887
so it's nice to interview
real people and...
366
00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,577
Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation.
367
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,540
[sighing] Okay. Let's get you miked up.
368
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,125
Great.
369
00:14:34,292 --> 00:14:35,882
What temperature was it in there?
370
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,198
- It's hard for me to concentrate...
- You like swimming?
371
00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,208
Yeah?
372
00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,382
I got a lot of bathing suits in my car.
373
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,828
Turning down a celebrity
374
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:48,997
is maybe the greatest joy
a person can have.
375
00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:50,083
Can I get a plum?
376
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,955
- Yes, of course. How are you?
- [giggling]
377
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,422
Not gonna happen, champ.
378
00:14:57,417 --> 00:14:58,877
[Shirl] Zach, he's always around,
379
00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:01,328
he pretends that he needs
to be here all the time.
380
00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:03,332
He keeps taking stuff from the shelf.
381
00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,957
I know he does.
382
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,670
My name is Shirl Clarts,
383
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,880
S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S.
384
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,976
- [director] And what do you do here?
- I'm the station manager.
385
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,290
I run this whole deal.
386
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:16,125
You know what a lion is?
387
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,458
A lion is a strong animal.
388
00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:21,168
They do what the fuck they wanna do.
389
00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:24,833
Take what they want, eat what they want,
they run when they feel like it.
390
00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,127
Lion.
391
00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,247
And then Bobby...
392
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,083
is the assistant manager,
393
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,957
and he's worked here
for a long time, too.
394
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,042
Put me on speaker.
395
00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:35,788
Put me on speaker.
396
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:37,875
Put me on speaker now.
397
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,878
- Should I come back?
- Diane!
398
00:15:42,292 --> 00:15:43,422
Hey, Diane!
399
00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,042
Am I on speaker?
400
00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:47,247
- I'll come back.
- No, come in.
401
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:48,667
Am I on speaker?
402
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,500
All right, good.
403
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:51,497
Love you, bye.
404
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,423
Come in.
405
00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:53,583
What's up?
406
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,830
Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes
out of the break room?
407
00:15:56,917 --> 00:15:59,417
- What if I did?
- I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!
408
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,934
[Bobby] All right.I'll just write a check for you.
409
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,748
They're, like, $1.15 each.
410
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:03,883
Well, there was two boxes.
411
00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:05,498
All right, so, 3.50?
412
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,630
[Zach] Hey!
413
00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,458
Where are you going?
414
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,620
[director] We're going home.
415
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,577
[Zach] No, you have to film at all times.
416
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:18,127
If I say, "Cut,"
that means keep the camera rolling.
417
00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:20,038
If I say,
"Get that camera out of my face,"
418
00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,205
put that camera in my face.
419
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,750
Okay?
420
00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,226
Let's do it again, from the top.
421
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,143
You wanna do this conversation again
from the top?
422
00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:30,037
Yeah, this is my life story.
You ruined that scene of my life story.
423
00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,082
So did you, by the way.
Let's take it from the top.
424
00:16:36,417 --> 00:16:37,707
[stilted] Where are you going?
425
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,172
I'm going home.
426
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,918
- That's bad acting. Bad acting.
- I don't buy it.
427
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,250
Welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
428
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,793
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
429
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,125
and my guest today is...
430
00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:50,792
Brie Larson.
431
00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:52,292
Thank you, Brie.
432
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,498
You won Best Actress.
433
00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,753
Have you ever thought of aiming higher
and trying to win Best Actor?
434
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,583
Um...
435
00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,495
- I... Yeah...
- Good question.
436
00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,463
It is good. It's thought-provoking.
437
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:07,042
Your superhero character
is called Captain Marvel.
438
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,125
Yes.
439
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,500
Boy, they really have stopped trying,
haven't they?
440
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,380
I mean, why don't they call it
Captain Comic Book,
441
00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,922
or Captain We Can't Think
Of Anything Else?
442
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,750
And what would your superhero name be?
443
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:18,883
Cap'n Crunch?
444
00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:23,168
I read online that you're very private
and decline to answer
445
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,040
questions that make you
feel uncomfortable.
446
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,875
This is a two-parter.
[clears throat]
447
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:27,828
Is that true?
448
00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:30,207
And how old were you
when you got your first period?
449
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:35,287
His show's success
is absolutely predicated on the fact
450
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,325
that people are laughing at him,
451
00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:38,583
not with him.
452
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:39,497
[crunching]
453
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:42,083
[Will] I think it's utterly fascinating
454
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,958
that someone that grotesque
455
00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,422
can actually be watchable.
456
00:17:47,542 --> 00:17:48,962
[gulping]
457
00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,288
Hmm.
458
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:52,455
- [jackhammer pounding]
- [men yelling]
459
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,673
What is all this?
460
00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:00,077
[truck back-up beeper sounding]
461
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,042
Carol!
462
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,170
- What's going on out here?
- [receptionist] Huh?
463
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,577
What is going on?
464
00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:15,168
Something's going on with the pipes.
465
00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,101
- Yeah, no kidding.
- [water dripping]
466
00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,075
What we have here is the perfect storm.
467
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,327
Old pipes, water line blockage.
468
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,130
And, for some weird reason,
469
00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:24,788
someone shoved
470
00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:28,075
a whole bunch
of shit-stained panty liners
471
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,542
down your commodes.
472
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,495
- [all groaning]
- Come on, man!
473
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:32,963
This blockage is so major,
it could blow at any time.
474
00:18:33,042 --> 00:18:34,882
Whoever did this is gonna pay for it.
475
00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,518
- [woman] Oh, disgusting!
- [person gagging]
476
00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:37,382
[Boom Boom] Oh, God!
477
00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:40,078
Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing
and the construction.
478
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,559
We're not gonna be able
to interview the guest...
479
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,923
This whole place
needs to be soundproof, okay?
480
00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:47,333
Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny.
481
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,167
- I want everything peepless, okay?
- [construction noises]
482
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,250
Just do it!
483
00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:53,672
[huffs]
484
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:56,670
[suspenseful music playing]
485
00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,168
I mean, I would, I just...
486
00:19:07,375 --> 00:19:09,325
I watch RuPaul's Drag Race
with my roommate on...
487
00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:11,417
- You what?
- I'm watching TV tonight, so...
488
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,580
- I would, but I can't tonight, sorry.
- [laughing]
489
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:14,998
But, thank you.
490
00:19:17,292 --> 00:19:19,462
- Hey, Matthew. Zach.
- McConaughey, nice to meet you.
491
00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:21,542
- Nice to see you.
- Thanks so much for joining us.
492
00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:30,333
[exhales]
493
00:19:32,042 --> 00:19:33,462
[Zach sighing]
494
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,184
- The interview should be nice and easy.
- [loud constant dripping]
495
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:38,458
Thanks so much for...
This'll be nice and short.
496
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,333
Are you ready to start?
497
00:19:40,375 --> 00:19:41,995
You have a major leak in here.
498
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,735
- Everything all right there? Okay.
- No, everything's fine.
499
00:19:55,917 --> 00:19:57,787
[bell ringing]
500
00:19:57,875 --> 00:19:59,325
[loud splashing]
501
00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,917
[whimpering] Oh, my God.
502
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,920
[Bobby yelling] Grab your smartphones!
503
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:03,880
[Carol] Oh, God!
504
00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:05,518
[Bobby] Look out!
Gotta get out of here.
505
00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:07,918
[panting]
506
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,455
[Carol screams]
507
00:20:12,917 --> 00:20:13,747
[knocking]
508
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:14,875
[Carol] Oh, God!
509
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,208
Oh, my God.
510
00:20:16,792 --> 00:20:17,792
Oh, no.
511
00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,673
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
512
00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,165
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
513
00:20:27,917 --> 00:20:29,957
[banging]
514
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:32,633
[glass cracking]
515
00:20:32,708 --> 00:20:33,708
[screaming]
516
00:20:36,042 --> 00:20:37,882
[continues screaming]
517
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:41,125
[all yelling]
518
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,708
[Zach] My ferns!
519
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,670
What happened?
520
00:20:46,750 --> 00:20:47,960
My glasses!
521
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,287
Thank God I found you!
522
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:55,383
[sobbing loudly]
523
00:20:56,417 --> 00:20:58,997
[loud sobbing continues]
524
00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:06,042
Ah!
525
00:21:06,125 --> 00:21:10,415
[Zach wailing]
526
00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:16,172
I got a call from Will Ferrell
this morning.
527
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,380
He's very upset.
528
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,290
And he said to stand outside
of this station
529
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:22,285
and be outside at 3:00 p.m.
530
00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:23,375
Is it 3:00?
531
00:21:23,417 --> 00:21:24,577
[car horn honking]
532
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:28,877
[muffled hip-hop from car stereo]
533
00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:33,292
["It's Real" by Paris playing]
534
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,617
♪ On the scene, back again
WIth the motherfucking grip ♪
535
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:38,497
♪ '93 was the year
P-Dog came rippin' shit ♪
536
00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:40,583
♪ Bouncing out the belly of the beast ♪
537
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,417
♪ And still the same nigga
That was hollerin' "Fuck peace!" ♪
538
00:21:43,542 --> 00:21:45,382
♪ But check it out
It's the same old thing ♪
539
00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:48,458
♪ Cause now the year's '94
And ain't a damn thing changed ♪
540
00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:50,382
♪ Niggas still droppin' dead like flies ♪
541
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:52,710
♪ And I'm still lookin' for a way
To make us rise ♪
542
00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:54,963
♪ I emphasize that
I still hate a devil ♪
543
00:21:55,917 --> 00:21:56,747
You.
544
00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:57,833
Me.
545
00:21:58,458 --> 00:21:59,458
Inside.
546
00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,458
- Hey, look at this, okay?
- [machine clicking]
547
00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,327
These are my clicks.
548
00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,787
My website runs on clicks.
549
00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:11,075
Can you see that?
550
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:12,377
It's a lot of clicks, Will.
551
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,078
Or is the fat
drooping off your eyebrows
552
00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:16,710
impairing your vision?
553
00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:20,415
Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.
554
00:22:21,292 --> 00:22:22,292
He's dead?
555
00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:25,962
Well, they administered CPR to him,
and he...
556
00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:27,963
he's brought back to life.
557
00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:31,172
But... but yeah, he was,
he was momentarily dead.
558
00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:32,827
You are a murderer.
559
00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,497
It was a temporary murder, if it was...
560
00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:35,833
It was not a murder!
561
00:22:35,917 --> 00:22:37,627
Fine. I'll keep your secret.
562
00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,285
Okay? But you owe me.
563
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,083
Owe you what?
564
00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,002
Ten episodes
of Between Two Ferns, all right?
565
00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:45,893
And I need them three weeks from today.
566
00:22:46,958 --> 00:22:49,378
No. Hold on,
let's make this interesting.
567
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,168
How about two weeks from today?
568
00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:53,955
9:00 a.m.
569
00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:55,962
How? I can't film here anymore.
570
00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,292
You're just going to have to go
to the celebrities,
571
00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:00,127
wherever you can find them
572
00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:01,503
across the country.
573
00:23:01,583 --> 00:23:03,583
But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell?
574
00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,327
You'll be showered in...
575
00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:08,788
gold, and spices, and rare gems,
576
00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:10,668
rubies and emeralds.
577
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,290
But I don't want that stuff.
578
00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,633
If money is not
the treasure that you desire,
579
00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:17,248
then say it.
580
00:23:20,458 --> 00:23:21,958
What doth...
581
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:23,875
thy...
582
00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:25,875
envision?
583
00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:28,378
I want my own network talk show.
584
00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:30,132
Five nights a week.
585
00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:32,328
With an "Applause" sign and an audience.
586
00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,793
I want people to laugh with me,
587
00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:36,958
not at me.
588
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,707
Fulfill the contract,
589
00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:42,417
you got a deal.
590
00:23:42,667 --> 00:23:45,377
Ten of your dumb internet talk show
591
00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:48,583
and you give me
a lifetime network talk show
592
00:23:48,667 --> 00:23:49,747
Lifetime?
593
00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,713
I'm a white man and I'm straight,
I deserve it.
594
00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:56,997
Fine. Your own talk show
on the Lifetime network.
595
00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,208
I'd take it.
596
00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:00,998
I'd just take it now.
597
00:24:01,833 --> 00:24:03,003
- Done.
- Done.
598
00:24:09,792 --> 00:24:10,792
I don't...
599
00:24:11,292 --> 00:24:12,132
Please bow.
600
00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,208
Are you...
601
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:16,080
I christen thee...
602
00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:17,527
[Zach] This is not a thing you do.
603
00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:20,575
[Will] ...worthy of the mantle
that is FOD.
604
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,922
Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis.
605
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,170
Ride your imaginary steed
606
00:24:27,917 --> 00:24:29,997
through the hills and valleys
607
00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,285
of this country
608
00:24:32,750 --> 00:24:33,790
that we know
609
00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,955
as America.
610
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,250
["Slinky Boots" by Speedometer playing]
611
00:24:46,042 --> 00:24:48,212
[Carol whining]
612
00:24:58,667 --> 00:24:59,707
[Zach] Let's go!
613
00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,750
Not in the front! Go around.
614
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,627
- [Carol squealing]
- [man] Hey, watch it!
615
00:25:05,208 --> 00:25:06,708
[tires screeching]
616
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:10,503
Okay, guys,
Mr. Will Ferrell has promised
617
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000
all of us
618
00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:14,667
a new...
619
00:25:14,917 --> 00:25:17,627
night-time network talk show.
620
00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:20,082
[Boom Boom]
Whoa, he wants us all to work on it?
621
00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:21,247
Will Ferrell said this?
622
00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:23,043
[Zach] Yep, he asked for you all by name,
623
00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:25,285
and he decided to pay for our entire trip.
624
00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,955
So, let's go out
and film some celebrities!
625
00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:28,962
Who?
626
00:25:29,042 --> 00:25:30,332
I'm not quite sure yet.
627
00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:32,920
- Carol's looking into that and as soon...
- I am?
628
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,760
She didn't even know
what we were doing here,
629
00:25:34,792 --> 00:25:36,072
she's not looking into anything!
630
00:25:36,125 --> 00:25:37,035
I'll start now.
631
00:25:37,125 --> 00:25:38,915
She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam.
632
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,143
It's actually better that you don't know
what's going on.
633
00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,627
Just point your camera
and shut the fuck up.
634
00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,787
That's a nice thing to hear
as you're getting kidnapped.
635
00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:50,575
[Carol] And how long is this trip?
636
00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:53,503
The trip should take us just two...
637
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:54,580
just two weeks.
638
00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:55,851
- [Carol] Two weeks?
- [Boom Boom] Wait, two weeks?
639
00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:59,325
To get to the big time,
you gotta be a chance-taker.
640
00:25:59,417 --> 00:26:00,707
And I am a chance-taker.
641
00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:03,042
We're taking Between Two Ferns
on the road!
642
00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:05,578
Oh! Hey, Zach?
643
00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:07,423
Think I found someone.
644
00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,145
- Oh, good!
- They're three hours away.
645
00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:11,833
- No kidding?
- Yep.
646
00:26:11,917 --> 00:26:12,917
Who is it?
647
00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:16,960
[Zach clears throat]
648
00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:24,125
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
649
00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,788
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
650
00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:29,383
My guess today is
Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
651
00:26:30,792 --> 00:26:31,632
You look good.
652
00:26:31,708 --> 00:26:32,788
Thanks, so do you.
653
00:26:32,917 --> 00:26:34,827
Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
654
00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:38,253
You look like Steve Jobs now.
655
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,333
Okay.
656
00:26:40,792 --> 00:26:43,632
Your Netflix show is called
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.
657
00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:47,125
Wouldn't a better title be
My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?
658
00:26:48,417 --> 00:26:50,627
Yeah, that... we considered that.
659
00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:52,038
And that didn't test well?
660
00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,920
Oh, I think it tested very well,
661
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,670
but it hurt my feelings.
662
00:26:56,042 --> 00:26:57,832
Tell me about your long beard.
663
00:26:57,917 --> 00:26:59,667
Is that a Stupid Human Trick?
664
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:02,210
Is it Between Two Ferns
or Between the Ferns?
665
00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:03,502
Between Two Ferns.
666
00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:05,083
Yeah, but that's apparent.
667
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:06,247
Your show was on late.
668
00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:08,833
Everybody knew it was late.
It was dark outside.
669
00:27:08,917 --> 00:27:10,226
Why did they call it the Late Show
670
00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,559
- or whatever they call it?
- Mmm.
671
00:27:11,583 --> 00:27:13,503
If you're going to get nitpicky
with titles of...
672
00:27:13,542 --> 00:27:14,542
I'm just saying,
673
00:27:14,792 --> 00:27:16,002
Between the Ferns, yes.
674
00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:17,883
Between Two Ferns, oh!
675
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,790
One day you might go crazy
and add a third.
676
00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:21,205
Then what are you going to do?
677
00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,187
- I haven't thought about that.
- Yeah.
678
00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:25,995
Plenty you haven't thought about.
679
00:27:27,208 --> 00:27:28,378
Your son's name is Harry.
680
00:27:28,458 --> 00:27:30,038
Did you name him after your face?
681
00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,253
Named him after my late father.
682
00:27:34,625 --> 00:27:35,745
How do you feel now?
683
00:27:35,917 --> 00:27:38,309
Well, I didn't know it was gonna go
into a bummer story like that.
684
00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:39,173
No, I know.
685
00:27:39,250 --> 00:27:42,790
But you don't have the capacity
for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
686
00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:45,540
Can you take some constructive criticism?
687
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:47,923
Yeah.
688
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,460
People find you unpleasant.
689
00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:51,247
Mm. Thank you.
690
00:27:53,333 --> 00:27:55,173
You love fast cars.
691
00:27:55,542 --> 00:27:57,502
In what other ways is your penis small?
692
00:27:57,583 --> 00:27:59,793
Can I just say something about this?
693
00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,918
Not once has anyone discussed with me
694
00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:05,880
my penis, my size of my penis,
695
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,540
my use of my penis,
696
00:28:07,917 --> 00:28:08,957
or my testicles.
697
00:28:09,042 --> 00:28:12,002
So, I'm just curious
about the pathology behind this.
698
00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:13,101
[Cam, whispering] Jesus Christ.
699
00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:14,125
[Zach] What?
700
00:28:15,583 --> 00:28:16,583
What'd you say?
701
00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,080
I said, "Jesus Christ."
702
00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:20,787
[Zach] Stop talk...
Do not editorialize right now, please.
703
00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:24,205
It's hard not to let it out
when it's such a stupid thing you said.
704
00:28:26,583 --> 00:28:28,934
It was a lot of fun, really.
Seriously. Thank you very much.
705
00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,601
- Thank you.
- I know you gotta run, so, thanks.
706
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,495
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to say that...
707
00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:35,997
you know, this has been
a real inspiration to me...
708
00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:38,583
- ...'cause I want my own talk show.
- Good. Good. Great.
709
00:28:38,667 --> 00:28:41,768
Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll
make me happy, like it made you happy.
710
00:28:41,792 --> 00:28:43,582
[laughing]
711
00:28:43,667 --> 00:28:44,787
Yeah, I'm sure it will.
712
00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,205
Good luck on that.
713
00:28:48,042 --> 00:28:49,292
- Okay.
- Make you happy!
714
00:28:49,375 --> 00:28:51,285
- Right?
- [chuckling] Yeah!
715
00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:52,748
- Yeah.
- Okay.
716
00:28:52,833 --> 00:28:53,673
All right.
717
00:28:53,792 --> 00:28:55,934
- Thank you very much for your time.
- Which way do I go?
718
00:28:55,958 --> 00:28:57,328
Right up there, where the guy is.
719
00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,500
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
720
00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:00,790
Okay. Bye-bye.
721
00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:02,543
Try to stay off the grass.
722
00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,893
- We're... in the grass.
- Thank you. All right, bye-bye.
723
00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,577
Bye-bye. Take care.
724
00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,125
[Carol] Whoa.
725
00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:12,832
- Hello.
- [Boom Boom] What?
726
00:29:14,417 --> 00:29:15,417
What?
727
00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:17,460
Okay, what's going on?
728
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:20,828
Are you gonna, like, make us all
smoosh in one shitty little room?
729
00:29:20,917 --> 00:29:22,357
No, Cam, no one would room with you.
730
00:29:22,417 --> 00:29:23,417
[clerk] Good afternoon.
731
00:29:23,708 --> 00:29:25,498
Four rooms, please.
732
00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:28,101
- Four rooms?
- Four separate rooms.
733
00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:29,035
One...
734
00:29:29,125 --> 00:29:30,925
- [Cam] We each getting our own room?
- Two...
735
00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,130
three, and four.
736
00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:33,828
- We each get our own room!
- Nice!
737
00:29:33,917 --> 00:29:34,747
That's nice.
738
00:29:34,833 --> 00:29:35,673
[locks beeping]
739
00:29:35,750 --> 00:29:36,790
- Goodnight.
- Night.
740
00:29:40,042 --> 00:29:41,132
[lock buzzing]
741
00:29:42,667 --> 00:29:43,667
[Zach] God...
742
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:45,250
Carol!
743
00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:49,393
Thanks so much for doing the show.
What are you doing in town?
744
00:29:49,417 --> 00:29:51,497
Oh, I'm here working, uh,
745
00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,252
on my foundation.
746
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,133
- [sighing] What is it?
- Bones For Kids.
747
00:29:56,208 --> 00:29:58,498
It's for kids that are born
without bones.
748
00:29:58,583 --> 00:30:00,173
- God, that's terrible.
- I know.
749
00:30:00,625 --> 00:30:01,625
How can I help?
750
00:30:01,708 --> 00:30:04,538
You probably could stand
to donate some arm bones.
751
00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:06,025
You don't need all those arm bones.
752
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,000
This one you can keep.
753
00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:09,543
This one you can keep.
754
00:30:09,625 --> 00:30:10,875
But, for some child,
755
00:30:11,167 --> 00:30:12,247
that's a shin.
756
00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:13,625
Hmm.
757
00:30:15,167 --> 00:30:16,747
It seems like a bogus, like...
758
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,210
it's like a bogus charity thing,
759
00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:21,712
kids without boners... Bones!
760
00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:23,133
Without bones or something.
761
00:30:24,875 --> 00:30:26,555
Why were you putting a paper up to your...
762
00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:28,462
- I could totally hear you.
- Quiet.
763
00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:31,880
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
764
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,378
My guest today
765
00:30:33,958 --> 00:30:34,958
is Paul Rudd.
766
00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:36,502
- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you.
767
00:30:37,542 --> 00:30:38,792
Some people have it all.
768
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,630
Looks, talent.
769
00:30:41,708 --> 00:30:43,248
How does it feel to only have looks?
770
00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:45,583
Great.
771
00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:47,285
If you didn't look the way you do,
772
00:30:47,375 --> 00:30:49,559
instead of acting,
what do you think you would be doing?
773
00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:50,583
Shoveling shit?
774
00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,403
I read that you might quit acting
775
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:54,538
and just disappear?
776
00:30:55,708 --> 00:30:56,788
Where did you read that?
777
00:30:57,667 --> 00:30:59,167
Right here. I wrote it down.
778
00:31:00,667 --> 00:31:01,537
Which do you prefer,
779
00:31:01,625 --> 00:31:02,535
being in Marvel movies,
780
00:31:02,625 --> 00:31:04,915
or being in stuff
that nobody has ever heard of?
781
00:31:06,458 --> 00:31:07,788
Uh, being in Marvel movies.
782
00:31:07,875 --> 00:31:09,455
Do you go to your acting coach and go,
783
00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:12,132
"I've gotta play a goddamn ant,
what am I supposed to do?"
784
00:31:12,208 --> 00:31:13,708
You lost me at "acting coach."
785
00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:15,627
Yeah, that seems about right.
786
00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:18,332
What advice would you give
to a young actor
787
00:31:18,417 --> 00:31:20,787
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
788
00:31:20,875 --> 00:31:23,075
But I've never really tried
to hide my Jewishness.
789
00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,077
[nasally] "I've really never tried
to hide my Jewishness."
790
00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:27,577
Yeah.
791
00:31:27,667 --> 00:31:29,957
Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.
792
00:31:30,375 --> 00:31:33,285
No, he put it out there
for everybody to see.
793
00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:35,205
He's one of our best.
794
00:31:35,292 --> 00:31:37,082
- Are you practicing?
- No.
795
00:31:37,500 --> 00:31:38,830
I'm not a practicing Jew.
796
00:31:40,417 --> 00:31:41,497
I perfected it.
797
00:31:49,708 --> 00:31:50,828
- [Carol] Zach?
- Yeah?
798
00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:52,878
Some bad news.
799
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,710
Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.
800
00:31:55,792 --> 00:31:56,792
Why?
801
00:31:56,833 --> 00:31:58,753
He spelled his name wrong
on his plane ticket.
802
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,208
What?
803
00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:01,672
It's too many As.
804
00:32:03,417 --> 00:32:04,577
[sighing]
805
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,710
- I don't know what to do.
- Ah! Oh, my God! Zach!
806
00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,753
Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen!
807
00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:11,417
She's a supermodel.
808
00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:12,500
How super?
809
00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:14,210
She's married to John Legend.
810
00:32:19,917 --> 00:32:21,327
Go talk to her. You have to.
811
00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:22,417
- I can't.
- Get up!
812
00:32:22,458 --> 00:32:23,458
[Zach sighing]
813
00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:24,955
[Carol] Go! Go!
814
00:32:25,625 --> 00:32:26,625
Okay.
815
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:31,750
- Hi.
- Hi.
816
00:32:32,792 --> 00:32:34,542
Another Brandy Alexander, please.
817
00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:40,245
- Hello.
- Oh, my God, I know you!
818
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,583
- You do?
- Oh, my God.
819
00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,377
You are the Between Two Ferns guy.
820
00:32:43,458 --> 00:32:44,918
I love your show.
821
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,000
You've seen my show?
822
00:32:46,292 --> 00:32:48,412
Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it.
It's so funny.
823
00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:50,333
You are so...
824
00:32:50,750 --> 00:32:51,750
uncomfortable,
825
00:32:51,792 --> 00:32:53,582
and weird, and awkward,
826
00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,957
and all your guests,
like, you can tell they hate it,
827
00:32:56,042 --> 00:32:57,122
- but they're there!
- Yeah.
828
00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,000
- I love it.
- Not really what I'm going for, but...
829
00:33:00,458 --> 00:33:02,248
- Sorry. [chuckles]
- That's okay.
830
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,380
Can I ask you a question?
831
00:33:05,458 --> 00:33:06,288
Shoot.
832
00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:07,875
How did you get started?
833
00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:10,673
How did you become...
834
00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,130
Everyone always asks me that,
835
00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:13,880
and it's actually a really funny story.
836
00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:15,628
So, it's 2003,
837
00:33:15,708 --> 00:33:18,418
this guy shows up at my door
with this box,
838
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:21,380
and there's this button inside,
and he says, "If you push this button,
839
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,788
- your greatest dream will come true...
- Hmm.
840
00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:26,325
...but somebody, somewhere, will die."
841
00:33:27,042 --> 00:33:28,632
And so, I pushed it,
842
00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:30,043
Mister Rogers died...
843
00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:31,495
- What?
- ...and here I am.
844
00:33:32,708 --> 00:33:34,601
Wait, because you pushed the button,
you think that's...
845
00:33:34,625 --> 00:33:36,375
I mean, he had a good life, so...
846
00:33:39,167 --> 00:33:41,377
- I had a guest that dropped out...
- Mm-hmm.
847
00:33:41,833 --> 00:33:43,423
...just last-minute for my talk show.
848
00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:46,420
Is there anyway I can interview you?
849
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,880
I actually have a better idea.
850
00:33:54,583 --> 00:33:55,883
You're touching my hand.
851
00:33:56,542 --> 00:33:57,382
Listen...
852
00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,078
what if we take this upstairs?
853
00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:03,077
[whispering]
What about John Legend?
854
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:06,667
[chuckles] He's fine, he's probably
at home polishing his EGOT.
855
00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:09,170
Is that what he calls his penis?
856
00:34:09,250 --> 00:34:12,000
[smooth jazz playing]
857
00:34:20,167 --> 00:34:21,167
Come on.
858
00:34:33,958 --> 00:34:35,248
That was at my hotel room.
859
00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,503
How did you get that footage?
860
00:34:36,583 --> 00:34:37,883
There are cameras everywhere.
861
00:34:37,958 --> 00:34:39,498
You told me to never stop filming.
862
00:34:39,875 --> 00:34:42,955
This whole trip, you've been filming me
in every hotel room that I've been in?
863
00:34:43,417 --> 00:34:44,417
Yes.
864
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,540
Right. This is not in the documentary.
865
00:34:48,958 --> 00:34:49,958
Right?
866
00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:52,167
At all.
867
00:34:53,167 --> 00:34:54,207
Destroy it.
868
00:34:55,125 --> 00:34:56,125
Now.
869
00:34:56,375 --> 00:34:58,415
But before you do,
will you email me that?
870
00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:06,853
[waiter] Hey, guys, welcometo The Bear Pit. We cook with wood.
871
00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:09,168
Can I get you some honey gushers to start?
872
00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:10,458
What are honey gushers?
873
00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:11,500
It's just lemonade.
874
00:35:11,958 --> 00:35:13,038
Wow, you really sell it.
875
00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:15,170
Just telling it like it is.
[laughs dryly]
876
00:35:15,250 --> 00:35:16,920
I'll take the fried chicken plate.
877
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,460
I'll get pork ribs.
878
00:35:18,542 --> 00:35:20,309
- I want the special. I want...
- [waiter] Special.
879
00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:22,043
- Do you have sushi?
- I could...
880
00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:24,915
put some fish sticks
on a rice pilaf, I guess?
881
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,960
That's fine. Side of gravy.
882
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,684
Good enough.
I'll be right back with that, guys.
883
00:35:28,708 --> 00:35:30,601
- Thank you so much for your patience.
- [Zach] And your name is?
884
00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,143
- My name is Mike.
- [Carol] Thanks, Mike.
885
00:35:32,167 --> 00:35:34,087
- Thanks, Mike.
- [Mike] You can call me Michael.
886
00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:35,417
Thanks, Mike.
887
00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:37,173
[Carol] That's great, actually. Wow.
888
00:35:37,625 --> 00:35:39,625
- We're gonna go to the bathroom.
- Does he really?
889
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:40,883
[laughing] Okay!
890
00:35:40,958 --> 00:35:41,958
Thank you so much.
891
00:35:43,125 --> 00:35:43,995
We got a celebrity!
892
00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:45,083
Oh, good!
893
00:35:45,583 --> 00:35:46,583
John Legend!
894
00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:49,078
Oh, I'm so excited!
895
00:35:49,375 --> 00:35:50,375
The...
896
00:35:50,625 --> 00:35:52,535
[Carol] Yes, the piano man, yeah!
897
00:35:52,625 --> 00:35:54,726
He just called his manager out of the blue
this morning and was like,
898
00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:57,500
"I wanna be on that show,"
and he's on a plane right now flying here.
899
00:35:57,917 --> 00:35:58,917
- Right now?
- Yes.
900
00:35:59,083 --> 00:36:00,083
- Here?
- He's rushed.
901
00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:03,875
Honestly, I've never heard someone
sound so excited to do our show.
902
00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,875
[Zach] Okay. Yeah, so...
when is he coming?
903
00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:10,809
- He's gonna be here in a second.
- Where is he? Where is he though?
904
00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,713
His team said he was minutes away.
905
00:36:12,833 --> 00:36:14,268
There's a chance
I might leave during the interview.
906
00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:15,632
- [John] Zach!
- What?
907
00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:17,875
Hi.
908
00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:22,668
How are you, buddy?
909
00:36:22,917 --> 00:36:24,537
So good to see you, man.
910
00:36:24,833 --> 00:36:26,333
I'm so excited to be here.
911
00:36:26,625 --> 00:36:27,625
Oh, good.
912
00:36:28,167 --> 00:36:29,877
- Yeah, have... have a seat.
- Yeah.
913
00:36:30,125 --> 00:36:30,995
- Okay.
- Okay.
914
00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:31,923
Okay.
915
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,250
Oh! I've been wanting
to be on your show for so long.
916
00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:36,973
I've been talking to my manager about it.
917
00:36:37,042 --> 00:36:39,059
- I'm so excited to be here.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
918
00:36:39,083 --> 00:36:40,383
Is everything okay, Zach?
919
00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:41,934
Yeah, everything's... everything's fine,
920
00:36:41,958 --> 00:36:45,288
I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime...
Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes.
921
00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:46,708
Okay.
922
00:36:47,833 --> 00:36:52,133
Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh,
edition of Between Two Ferns.
923
00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:53,828
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
924
00:36:53,917 --> 00:36:55,037
and my guest today
925
00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:56,500
is John Legend.
926
00:36:56,583 --> 00:36:58,213
- Hey, Zach!
- Hey, John.
927
00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:00,458
Can I get an autograph for my mom?
928
00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:01,672
Sure, no problem.
929
00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:04,040
- Because she wants to give it to her mom.
- Okay.
930
00:37:04,792 --> 00:37:06,042
Grandmas are great, too.
931
00:37:06,792 --> 00:37:07,792
[exhaling nervously]
932
00:37:08,417 --> 00:37:09,497
Are you okay with all this?
933
00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:10,833
I'm so okay with it.
934
00:37:11,458 --> 00:37:12,748
I'm having such a great time!
935
00:37:12,833 --> 00:37:13,833
Are you having fun?
936
00:37:16,792 --> 00:37:18,672
We have something in common, uh...
937
00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:21,170
which is we both
love to tickle the ivories.
938
00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:23,351
You play the piano
and I love to make white people laugh.
939
00:37:23,375 --> 00:37:24,455
[John guffaws]
940
00:37:24,917 --> 00:37:25,787
You're great!
941
00:37:25,875 --> 00:37:26,875
[laughs]
942
00:37:27,250 --> 00:37:28,330
This is good stuff.
943
00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:31,083
You have many titles, uh...
944
00:37:31,167 --> 00:37:32,417
musician, actor,
945
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,205
producer, philanthropist.
946
00:37:34,833 --> 00:37:35,753
But at the end of the day,
947
00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:38,193
aren't you just a millionaire
who's married to a supermodel?
948
00:37:42,417 --> 00:37:45,377
I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes.
949
00:37:46,042 --> 00:37:47,042
[Zach] I'll look her up.
950
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,333
He met her.
951
00:37:48,417 --> 00:37:49,327
- You met her?
- I did?
952
00:37:49,417 --> 00:37:50,417
[Carol] Yeah.
953
00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:51,958
- When?
- Yes, of course.
954
00:37:52,542 --> 00:37:53,542
In the bar.
955
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,293
[John] You met my wife in a bar?
956
00:37:55,792 --> 00:37:57,434
I meet a lot of people.
I meet a lot of people.
957
00:37:57,458 --> 00:37:58,828
[Carol] It was last night.
958
00:37:59,167 --> 00:38:00,827
You met my wife last night?
959
00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:03,018
- What does she look like?
- [Carol] She's gorgeous.
960
00:38:03,042 --> 00:38:05,672
I told you, "Go over and talk to her,
we can get an interview."
961
00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:08,132
I don't remember her.
962
00:38:08,208 --> 00:38:09,928
[Carol] Why are you
staring at me like this?
963
00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:10,923
What?
964
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,143
I feel you're trying to communicate
something that I don't get.
965
00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:14,377
[whispering] Shut the fuck up.
966
00:38:18,458 --> 00:38:19,458
[whispering] Carol.
967
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,000
Zach!
968
00:38:21,917 --> 00:38:22,997
That was fun, man.
969
00:38:23,417 --> 00:38:24,417
Yeah.
970
00:38:24,625 --> 00:38:25,625
Don't leave yet.
971
00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:27,538
Give me a hug, brother.
972
00:38:27,917 --> 00:38:28,917
Okay.
973
00:38:31,458 --> 00:38:33,168
[whispering] I know what you did.
974
00:38:35,958 --> 00:38:37,328
- [spraying]
- Ah!
975
00:38:38,583 --> 00:38:41,673
[Zach screaming]
976
00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:44,000
- God! God!
- [phone buzzing]
977
00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:46,875
Yeah. I'll be out in a second.
978
00:38:47,042 --> 00:38:48,268
Just meet me at the back entrance.
979
00:38:48,292 --> 00:38:49,712
[moaning]
980
00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:50,792
[Carol] Zach?
981
00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:51,923
What just happened?
982
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:53,750
He sprayed mace on my penis!
983
00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:54,673
What did you do?
984
00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:58,420
He's probably retaliating
'cause I had intercourse with his wife!
985
00:38:58,750 --> 00:38:59,750
What?
986
00:38:59,875 --> 00:39:03,745
[sobbing]
I had sex with Chrissy Teigen.
987
00:39:03,833 --> 00:39:04,963
No, you didn't.
988
00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:07,920
Why else would he come
and spray me where it happened?
989
00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:09,250
[Carol] Ew.
990
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:10,960
It'll go away in, like, a half-hour.
991
00:39:11,042 --> 00:39:13,252
I've been sprayed before. It's not bad.
992
00:39:13,333 --> 00:39:15,923
[Zach whimpering]
993
00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:17,293
Oh, God!
994
00:39:24,083 --> 00:39:25,793
Excuse me, Mr. Hamm?
995
00:39:25,875 --> 00:39:27,375
- Hi!
- Hi, my name is Zach,
996
00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:28,788
I have a public access talk show,
997
00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:31,156
and I was wondering
if you would like to be a guest on it?
998
00:39:33,583 --> 00:39:34,633
Absolutely.
999
00:39:34,708 --> 00:39:36,498
Guys, we're gonna need
to take a quick break.
1000
00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:39,083
My friend Jack just asked me
to be on his TV show,
1001
00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:40,827
and I don't say no to anything, so...
1002
00:39:40,917 --> 00:39:43,827
- Thank you so much. Yeah.
- [applauding]
1003
00:39:44,208 --> 00:39:47,328
The Me Too movement has been
an important learning process for men.
1004
00:39:47,667 --> 00:39:49,307
Do you feel like
you've missed out on that
1005
00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:52,175
because every woman you've ever met
just wants to fuck your brains out?
1006
00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:56,882
Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced,
directed, and starred in A Star is Born.
1007
00:39:56,958 --> 00:39:57,878
I hear it's great.
1008
00:39:57,958 --> 00:40:00,788
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
1009
00:40:01,917 --> 00:40:03,457
Uh, you know...
1010
00:40:03,542 --> 00:40:06,212
At what point during the making of Tag
did you guys realize
1011
00:40:06,292 --> 00:40:10,212
that you were making one of the most
iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?
1012
00:40:10,292 --> 00:40:13,252
[Jon laughing]
1013
00:40:14,333 --> 00:40:15,543
I get it!
1014
00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:19,707
My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld.
1015
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792
All right.
1016
00:40:20,958 --> 00:40:23,128
- Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee...
- Thank...
1017
00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:25,128
To have... Nice to hear... Have...
1018
00:40:25,458 --> 00:40:26,958
Nice to have you here, Stailee.
1019
00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:29,210
You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.
1020
00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:31,133
Do you ever wish
you had been in the good one?
1021
00:40:32,958 --> 00:40:34,958
You have 12 million Instagram followers.
1022
00:40:35,542 --> 00:40:38,502
How long did it take you to apologize
to each one of them for Bumblebee?
1023
00:40:39,542 --> 00:40:40,922
I walked out of that movie.
1024
00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:43,420
I'm just kidding,
I didn't walk out of the movie.
1025
00:40:43,958 --> 00:40:46,498
I skipped out
'cause I was so happy to be leaving.
1026
00:40:46,583 --> 00:40:47,583
Wow.
1027
00:40:48,375 --> 00:40:49,995
You dated a guy from One Direction.
1028
00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:53,080
Which one direction
was his penis pointing, north or south?
1029
00:40:55,583 --> 00:40:56,583
Are we done?
1030
00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:00,212
Hey, Zach, could I get this?
1031
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,772
Absolutely. Matter of fact,
if you guys want some trinkets too,
1032
00:41:02,833 --> 00:41:04,133
it's on me. My treat.
1033
00:41:11,750 --> 00:41:13,290
My guest today is...
1034
00:41:13,375 --> 00:41:14,375
Aquafina.
1035
00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,583
Awkwafina.
1036
00:41:15,667 --> 00:41:16,747
Like the water?
1037
00:41:16,833 --> 00:41:18,883
Well, it's spelled differently, so...
1038
00:41:18,958 --> 00:41:21,078
You've been raping since the age of 13...
1039
00:41:21,167 --> 00:41:22,167
Rapping.
1040
00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,038
- Rapping.
- That makes more sense.
1041
00:41:25,083 --> 00:41:27,333
You starred in, um, Ocean's 8.
1042
00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:28,327
It's a great movie.
1043
00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:31,077
I'd love to see an all-male
reboot of Ocean's 8.
1044
00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:32,880
- That would be nice.
- Yeah.
1045
00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,708
There... It exists already.
1046
00:41:34,875 --> 00:41:35,875
Couple of them.
1047
00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:38,667
Couple of what?
Male versions of the female Ocean's 8?
1048
00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,210
Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male...
1049
00:41:40,292 --> 00:41:42,059
Next thing you're gonna tell me
there's a male Ghostbusters.
1050
00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:43,083
There is.
1051
00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:45,960
- It's with, um...
- Leslie Jones.
1052
00:41:46,042 --> 00:41:47,042
No.
1053
00:41:50,917 --> 00:41:53,247
You got famous for peeing from a zip line.
1054
00:41:53,333 --> 00:41:54,463
What's your next project?
1055
00:41:54,542 --> 00:41:55,922
Queefing on a ski lift?
1056
00:41:56,333 --> 00:41:58,133
No, I already queefed on a podcast.
1057
00:41:58,208 --> 00:42:00,168
Is that how you got your nickname,
Queef Latifah?
1058
00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:01,463
Possibly.
1059
00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,172
Do you ever wish people would stop
calling you a female comedian?
1060
00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:05,625
Yeah.
1061
00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:07,987
Don't you think they should
just call you a black comedian?
1062
00:42:08,583 --> 00:42:10,833
It's better than them
calling me a male comedian.
1063
00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,002
You were raised in the foster care system,
1064
00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:15,543
which brings us to our sponsor,
Foster's beer.
1065
00:42:15,875 --> 00:42:17,495
Can you look at this camera right here
1066
00:42:17,583 --> 00:42:19,003
and say,
1067
00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:20,393
[with Australian accent]
"Foster beer,
1068
00:42:20,417 --> 00:42:22,287
the best beer for foster kids."
1069
00:42:22,375 --> 00:42:23,375
I'm not doing that.
1070
00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:24,583
No.
1071
00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:26,207
[giggling]
1072
00:42:28,208 --> 00:42:32,128
[band playing melancholy country-folk]
1073
00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:41,580
♪ The things you said are
Hanging in the middle of my mind ♪
1074
00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,328
Hey, can I just take a second?
I wanted to, um...
1075
00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,580
I just want to thank you guys
1076
00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,333
for going on this venture with me,
and, uh...
1077
00:42:53,833 --> 00:42:55,293
this has been a dream of mine.
1078
00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,290
As a kid, I realized that people
1079
00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625
love to point and laugh
and look at me.
1080
00:43:01,042 --> 00:43:02,132
And I knew then...
1081
00:43:03,167 --> 00:43:04,457
I have the It Factor.
1082
00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,325
So, I just wanted to thank you guys
for helping me capitalize on that.
1083
00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,958
[Cam] Hey, I want to say,
1084
00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:13,133
when we first started
on this whole trip,
1085
00:43:13,208 --> 00:43:15,668
I found you to be annoying
and hard to be around,
1086
00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,750
and that hasn't changed.
1087
00:43:18,958 --> 00:43:20,328
I'm kidding! [laughs]
1088
00:43:20,417 --> 00:43:21,247
Ha!
1089
00:43:21,333 --> 00:43:22,684
- Yeah, I know! Yeah.
- That's why it's funny,
1090
00:43:22,708 --> 00:43:24,458
'cause it has changed.
I actually,
1091
00:43:24,917 --> 00:43:26,077
you know, I think...
1092
00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,207
I don't know, I kinda...
1093
00:43:28,292 --> 00:43:29,172
I like you.
1094
00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:30,790
- Wow.
- Well...
1095
00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:32,498
thank you, Cam.
1096
00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:33,583
You're welcome.
1097
00:43:33,625 --> 00:43:36,165
[Carol] Well, I'd like to say
a little something, too.
1098
00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:38,710
Ever since my dad shot my mom
and then killed himself,
1099
00:43:38,792 --> 00:43:40,292
I felt kind of...
1100
00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:41,423
unmoored,
1101
00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:43,790
but you've made me really
feel stable and needed.
1102
00:43:43,875 --> 00:43:45,325
- So, thank you so much.
- What?
1103
00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:49,290
Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom
then killed himself, 'cause...
1104
00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:51,455
- When... when did that happen?
- A while ago.
1105
00:43:51,625 --> 00:43:52,625
Like, a month.
1106
00:43:53,375 --> 00:43:56,035
You didn't take any time off of work,
you didn't say anything?
1107
00:43:56,125 --> 00:43:57,125
I'm fine.
1108
00:43:58,625 --> 00:43:59,535
I'd like to do a toast,
1109
00:43:59,625 --> 00:44:00,726
- if that's possible?
- [Cam] Yeah.
1110
00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:01,830
- Yeah.
- Let's do a toast.
1111
00:44:01,917 --> 00:44:02,917
Okay.
1112
00:44:03,583 --> 00:44:05,253
Here's to the crazy ones,
1113
00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,167
the misfits,
1114
00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:08,667
maniacs,
1115
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,000
to the loonies,
1116
00:44:10,542 --> 00:44:11,542
and ding-dongs.
1117
00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:14,415
And some people would say
that we're the crazy ones,
1118
00:44:14,958 --> 00:44:15,958
but I think...
1119
00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:17,580
we're geniuses,
1120
00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,328
because we're...
1121
00:44:19,875 --> 00:44:20,915
crazy enough
1122
00:44:23,125 --> 00:44:25,495
to try to change
this ding-dong crazy world.
1123
00:44:26,792 --> 00:44:27,632
Cheers.
1124
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:29,498
That was a great speech.
1125
00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:32,253
Would you like to, uh, dance?
1126
00:44:32,333 --> 00:44:33,173
[titters]
1127
00:44:33,250 --> 00:44:34,250
With me, though.
1128
00:44:34,583 --> 00:44:35,583
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
1129
00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:42,288
♪ I think about you
Walking on a street ♪
1130
00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:43,495
You wanna dance?
1131
00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:44,633
I wanna dance alone.
1132
00:44:44,708 --> 00:44:49,498
♪ It always brings me back here ♪
1133
00:44:50,167 --> 00:44:51,957
[all] Come on, Cam!
1134
00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:53,378
Come on.
1135
00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,708
♪ By the hand ♪
1136
00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:02,630
♪ Anyone who knows what love is
Will understand ♪
1137
00:45:03,625 --> 00:45:07,375
♪ You've always had me ♪
1138
00:45:09,208 --> 00:45:11,628
♪ Walking on a string ♪
1139
00:45:12,583 --> 00:45:13,583
[clerk] Hello.
1140
00:45:14,125 --> 00:45:14,955
Hi.
1141
00:45:15,042 --> 00:45:16,082
Room 203.
1142
00:45:16,167 --> 00:45:18,497
There should be some...
several rooms under that.
1143
00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:20,333
Yes, here's your receipt.
1144
00:45:21,458 --> 00:45:23,038
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
1145
00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:24,500
Very much.
1146
00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:26,832
What are all these charges?
1147
00:45:26,917 --> 00:45:27,997
It's itemized, sir.
1148
00:45:28,542 --> 00:45:31,172
I just, I didn't realize
when you take out the, um,
1149
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,750
the crackers in the snack drawer
that they charge you for it or the drinks.
1150
00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:36,883
You didn't realize that?
1151
00:45:36,958 --> 00:45:39,726
Well, I didn't know, like, even if you
put it back, you're still charged.
1152
00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:42,880
If you eat it or drink it, yes.
1153
00:45:42,958 --> 00:45:44,288
Did you eat the stuff, too?
1154
00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:45,875
I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.
1155
00:45:46,042 --> 00:45:49,002
But, just 'cause I move it
I shouldn't be charged.
1156
00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:50,793
What are these? Those look like...
1157
00:45:51,292 --> 00:45:52,462
I rented one movie.
1158
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:54,125
Big deal.
1159
00:45:55,333 --> 00:45:56,333
Is that porn?
1160
00:45:57,083 --> 00:45:59,503
I thought it was Analyze This,
but it was Anal-yze This.
1161
00:46:00,125 --> 00:46:02,018
They didn't even have to change
the spelling of it.
1162
00:46:02,042 --> 00:46:04,672
You rented Anal-yze This
several times in a row.
1163
00:46:04,750 --> 00:46:07,710
I kept hitting it 'cause I was,
"Well, maybe Analyze This will come..."
1164
00:46:07,833 --> 00:46:09,503
The point being is...
1165
00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:12,225
You should see the guy they had
playing Billy Crystal, by the way.
1166
00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:15,726
- I'm not paying for this.
- You've already paid for it.
1167
00:46:15,750 --> 00:46:16,960
This is just your receipt.
1168
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,213
But, I'm saying
I'm not paying for it... again.
1169
00:46:25,708 --> 00:46:27,538
- [Boom Boom] I'm hungry.
- I'm starving.
1170
00:46:27,625 --> 00:46:28,535
I'm so hungry.
1171
00:46:28,625 --> 00:46:30,705
You guys wanna do
a family-style type thing?
1172
00:46:31,792 --> 00:46:34,042
No, I think we each
wanted to get our own thing.
1173
00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:35,035
- I was...
- [waiter] Hey, gang.
1174
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,125
Did you get a chance
to look at the menus here?
1175
00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,248
I'll take a grape juice...
1176
00:46:38,333 --> 00:46:41,003
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
four waters for the table.
1177
00:46:41,083 --> 00:46:41,923
No grape juice.
1178
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,380
Can I get an orange soda?
1179
00:46:43,458 --> 00:46:44,643
- Okay, orange...
- We'll split.
1180
00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:46,147
Maybe we can split a soda three ways.
1181
00:46:46,208 --> 00:46:48,038
Can you do one soda with two extra cups,
1182
00:46:48,125 --> 00:46:51,285
but just charge us once, and then
put the other two, just put refills in it?
1183
00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,495
It just has to be...
1184
00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:54,748
one cup you all share.
1185
00:46:55,042 --> 00:46:57,042
I can bring four straws?
1186
00:46:57,167 --> 00:46:58,377
[Chloe] Sweet. Cool.
1187
00:46:58,458 --> 00:47:00,378
How many clam strips come in an order?
1188
00:47:00,458 --> 00:47:01,498
Six.
1189
00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:04,333
- How big are they?
- Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?
1190
00:47:05,042 --> 00:47:06,922
I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.
1191
00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:10,875
No, I mean like baked into a strip, not...
1192
00:47:12,542 --> 00:47:13,792
- You bake them?
- That's fine.
1193
00:47:13,875 --> 00:47:17,285
One is good. Look, we'll get an order
of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.
1194
00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:19,172
And can I get a, uh...
1195
00:47:19,250 --> 00:47:20,580
mug of hot water, please?
1196
00:47:24,125 --> 00:47:25,575
[Zach] What were you saying earlier
1197
00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:28,627
about your buddy Martin Freeman
being the only good part of Black Panther?
1198
00:47:28,708 --> 00:47:29,538
What?
1199
00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:31,825
It's just a weird thing to say
to someone you just met.
1200
00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:33,670
- But I didn't say that.
- Ready?
1201
00:47:34,042 --> 00:47:36,962
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
1202
00:47:37,042 --> 00:47:39,252
I'm your host,
Zach Galifianakis, and...
1203
00:47:39,708 --> 00:47:41,418
my guest today is
1204
00:47:41,500 --> 00:47:43,750
Benedick Cumberbut... Batch.
1205
00:47:44,417 --> 00:47:46,627
Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun.
1206
00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083
Cam...
1207
00:47:48,667 --> 00:47:49,707
Benedick Cam...
1208
00:47:50,458 --> 00:47:51,458
Benefit Lumberjacks.
1209
00:47:51,542 --> 00:47:52,672
Ju... Uh, Bit...
1210
00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:53,934
- Uh, Benedict...
- Cumberdit...
1211
00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:55,128
Cumberba... Uh...
1212
00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,170
Benedict Cumberbatch.
1213
00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:58,705
- That's what it is.
- Yeah.
1214
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,422
You once said
you're your own worst critic.
1215
00:48:02,333 --> 00:48:04,173
So, you haven't read any of your reviews?
1216
00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:05,250
No, no, I try not to.
1217
00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:06,976
Has there ever been
anything negative written about...
1218
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,000
Oh, yeah.
1219
00:48:08,583 --> 00:48:10,253
A horse-faced, wooden...
1220
00:48:10,667 --> 00:48:12,518
- I see that, now you say that.
- ...oddly-named.
1221
00:48:12,542 --> 00:48:14,172
- That I do see.
- Yeah.
1222
00:48:14,583 --> 00:48:17,213
You got your start doing theater
and independent films.
1223
00:48:17,292 --> 00:48:18,292
I did.
1224
00:48:18,333 --> 00:48:20,213
And now you're acting
in Marvel movies.
1225
00:48:20,292 --> 00:48:22,042
How good does it feel to sell-out?
1226
00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,502
Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out.
1227
00:48:25,583 --> 00:48:27,293
I think they're pretty cool films.
1228
00:48:27,375 --> 00:48:29,625
There's a lot for an actor to do in them.
So...
1229
00:48:29,708 --> 00:48:30,708
You wear a cape?
1230
00:48:30,917 --> 00:48:31,997
No, I wear a cloak.
1231
00:48:35,292 --> 00:48:38,962
Do you think you play smart characters
like Sherlock Holmes because you have...
1232
00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,630
you have one of these,
you know, these faces...
1233
00:48:41,708 --> 00:48:44,628
Can we... Is there a...
Let's just get a close-up here.
1234
00:48:44,708 --> 00:48:46,378
It's a face that could go either way.
1235
00:48:46,625 --> 00:48:48,995
It can use inductive reasoning
to solve mysteries,
1236
00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:50,713
or it's the type of face that...
1237
00:48:51,083 --> 00:48:53,043
masturbates all day wearing a helmet.
1238
00:48:53,875 --> 00:48:55,035
See, it's a fine line.
1239
00:48:57,042 --> 00:48:59,252
You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.
1240
00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,633
I did, yes.
1241
00:49:01,125 --> 00:49:03,325
This is Vincent van Gogh
answering his cell phone.
1242
00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:05,292
Hello... [sighs]
1243
00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:06,625
Hello?
1244
00:49:07,750 --> 00:49:08,750
It's hilarious.
1245
00:49:09,292 --> 00:49:10,712
If you didn't have an accent,
1246
00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,792
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
1247
00:49:14,083 --> 00:49:16,583
Yeah, no, I think my accent
probably does help, that's true.
1248
00:49:16,667 --> 00:49:17,957
Can you do an American accent?
1249
00:49:18,792 --> 00:49:19,632
Yes, I can.
1250
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:20,830
Um...
1251
00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:22,665
okay, maybe I'll give you a few words?
1252
00:49:22,750 --> 00:49:23,580
Sure.
1253
00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,417
That's a nice bicycle you have there,
my young son.
1254
00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:32,285
[with American accent] Well, that's a nice
bicycle you have there, my young son.
1255
00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:35,958
- Pervert. Get away from me.
- Pervert. Get away from me.
1256
00:49:36,042 --> 00:49:38,202
- No, that's me responding.
- No, that's me responding.
1257
00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,458
- You have a rabid fan base, and it's...
- A what?
1258
00:49:42,542 --> 00:49:44,862
- You have a rabid...
- I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry.
1259
00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:47,290
Why... I said rabid.
1260
00:49:47,375 --> 00:49:48,495
It's vowels with you,
1261
00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:50,673
so I can't sometimes
understand what you're saying.
1262
00:49:50,750 --> 00:49:53,170
All right, I'll say "rabbit."
You have a "rabbit" fan base.
1263
00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:54,559
- That what you want?
- No, just "d", "d".
1264
00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:56,883
You have a fan base full of rabbits.
1265
00:49:56,958 --> 00:49:57,958
[annunciating] Rabid.
1266
00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,827
Do they fuck a lot
while they come see your plays?
1267
00:50:00,917 --> 00:50:03,417
Are the rabbits always
having sex in the audience,
1268
00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,500
- while...
- Unbelievable.
1269
00:50:04,583 --> 00:50:06,793
Are you good friends
with the Easter Bunny?
1270
00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,575
Do you know Bugs?
1271
00:50:11,208 --> 00:50:12,208
[sighs]
1272
00:50:17,417 --> 00:50:19,127
Everything, uh, everything good?
1273
00:50:19,208 --> 00:50:21,458
You got kinda heated in there with...
1274
00:50:21,542 --> 00:50:24,132
with Cumber... Cumercleat...
Cumbercleatch.
1275
00:50:24,208 --> 00:50:26,078
It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.
1276
00:50:26,167 --> 00:50:28,287
I just... Look, I...[exhales deeply]
1277
00:50:29,042 --> 00:50:31,962
I don't wanna put this on you guys,
but, uh...
1278
00:50:32,417 --> 00:50:33,707
we're in a little bit of a...
1279
00:50:34,333 --> 00:50:37,253
budget situation,
we're strapped for cash right now.
1280
00:50:37,333 --> 00:50:39,753
That's okay, you can just
call Will Ferrell.
1281
00:50:39,833 --> 00:50:41,143
- Oh, yeah.
- He can send more money.
1282
00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:42,167
I'll call him right now.
1283
00:50:42,458 --> 00:50:43,893
- Don't do...
- How do you spell Ferrell?
1284
00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:44,917
Don't do that.
1285
00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,075
When I said that he was
bankrolling this project,
1286
00:50:49,167 --> 00:50:50,167
I meant...
1287
00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:53,133
I meant he was bankrolling it
in the future tense.
1288
00:50:53,708 --> 00:50:54,708
What?
1289
00:50:54,792 --> 00:50:56,632
He didn't give us any money upfront,
1290
00:50:56,708 --> 00:50:58,168
and we're running low.
1291
00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,040
So, you lied about Will Ferrell?
1292
00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:01,125
Oh, that's great.
1293
00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:04,287
Let me guess, he never actually said
that we could be a part of the show?
1294
00:51:04,375 --> 00:51:05,825
Did you lie about that, too?
1295
00:51:05,917 --> 00:51:08,377
As soon as we get to Los Angeles,
everything will be fine.
1296
00:51:08,458 --> 00:51:09,918
I'm not gonna leave you guys behind.
1297
00:51:10,958 --> 00:51:11,958
We're friends.
1298
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,000
Oh, are we?
1299
00:51:13,417 --> 00:51:15,667
Are we? Or are we just
a bunch of dumb shits
1300
00:51:16,125 --> 00:51:18,625
that you tricked
into doing unpaid labor for you?
1301
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:19,708
Come on. Come on.
1302
00:51:24,583 --> 00:51:25,583
[Zach] Carol...
1303
00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:42,035
- Hi, Norma!
- [woman] Hi, Tessa!
1304
00:51:42,125 --> 00:51:44,268
What are you doing out here
in the middle of nowhere anyway?
1305
00:51:44,292 --> 00:51:46,582
I'm researching for a film
that I'm doing next.
1306
00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:47,667
What kind of research?
1307
00:51:47,750 --> 00:51:50,380
I'm just learning
how to be a boring person.
1308
00:51:50,458 --> 00:51:51,498
Oh, really?
1309
00:51:51,625 --> 00:51:53,455
My guest today is...
1310
00:51:54,042 --> 00:51:55,332
Tesla Thompson.
1311
00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:56,768
- Tesla? Tesla Thompson?
- [Carol] Tessa.
1312
00:51:56,792 --> 00:51:58,792
No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa.
1313
00:51:58,875 --> 00:51:59,875
Like the car.
1314
00:51:59,917 --> 00:52:01,476
- [Tessa] No, no, unlike the car.
- Tesla, like the car?
1315
00:52:01,500 --> 00:52:03,393
- Like, if you take the "L" out of it.
- But, it says,
1316
00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:04,417
"Tessa...
1317
00:52:04,542 --> 00:52:06,502
parenthetically, like the car."
1318
00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,434
[Tessa] But, you don't say it
like you say the car.
1319
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,828
'Cause then that's not my name.
1320
00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:11,127
I drive a Tessa.
1321
00:52:11,625 --> 00:52:12,625
You were in Creed.
1322
00:52:12,667 --> 00:52:13,667
Mm-hmm.
1323
00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:15,128
What's Scott Stapp like?
1324
00:52:15,208 --> 00:52:17,128
- Who?
- The singer in your band.
1325
00:52:17,958 --> 00:52:19,708
Were you in Cr...
It says you were in Creed.
1326
00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:21,252
No, the movie, not the band.
1327
00:52:21,958 --> 00:52:23,578
Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like?
1328
00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:27,582
I never... I didn't...
We didn't meet 'cause I'm...
1329
00:52:27,958 --> 00:52:29,418
They weren't involved in the movie.
1330
00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,330
But, would you like to meet him one day?
1331
00:52:32,958 --> 00:52:34,078
I mean, yeah, sure,
1332
00:52:34,167 --> 00:52:37,707
if the opportunity presented itself
and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.
1333
00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:41,082
Women are always being told
to watch their weight in Hollywood.
1334
00:52:41,167 --> 00:52:44,827
So, why do you think so many actresses
could still stand to lose a few pounds?
1335
00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:46,710
I mean, you look at Hollywood
1336
00:52:46,792 --> 00:52:48,792
and all the men
that get to age gracefully.
1337
00:52:48,875 --> 00:52:52,075
It looks like they haven't been to a gym,
1338
00:52:52,167 --> 00:52:54,037
they get to come in disheveled,
1339
00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:55,955
and they look like they need to shower,
1340
00:52:56,042 --> 00:52:58,332
and they're wearing
just, like, some blazer,
1341
00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:00,627
and be told
that they just look distinguished,
1342
00:53:00,708 --> 00:53:01,918
but really they just look...
1343
00:53:02,667 --> 00:53:04,077
pretty disgusting, so...
1344
00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:05,708
Yeah, I hear you.
1345
00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:07,268
That's... that's gotta be frustrating.
1346
00:53:07,292 --> 00:53:08,292
Yeah.
1347
00:53:11,458 --> 00:53:14,788
- [Carol] So this like a shortcut?
- [Boom Boom] Where are we going?
1348
00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:16,893
[Zach] I don't know if this
is where you check in, or...
1349
00:53:16,917 --> 00:53:17,747
[Cam] Now what?
1350
00:53:17,875 --> 00:53:20,355
- [Carol] What do you mean?
- [Zach] We'll see what's going on.
1351
00:53:26,542 --> 00:53:28,184
- [Carol] This looks weird.
- [Cam] Where are we?
1352
00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:29,578
This where we're staying tonight.
1353
00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:32,375
You said we were staying
at the Four Seasons.
1354
00:53:33,125 --> 00:53:37,495
I said that we were staying at a place
that was closed for three of the seasons.
1355
00:53:37,583 --> 00:53:38,893
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We're supposed to believe that?
1356
00:53:38,917 --> 00:53:40,393
That's exactly what I said
and for you guys
1357
00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,097
to run your mouths
like it was something...
1358
00:53:42,125 --> 00:53:44,625
You are a liar and you have deceived us.
1359
00:53:44,708 --> 00:53:46,708
Yes, it's an abandoned campground,
1360
00:53:46,792 --> 00:53:49,332
but let's just stay here for the night
and have some fun.
1361
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,250
He's crazy. He's literally losing it.
1362
00:53:53,333 --> 00:53:54,809
[Boom Boom] He's under a lot of stress.
1363
00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,083
But, we only have one more episode to go.
1364
00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,407
Hey, Zach found a fishing pole,
1365
00:53:58,458 --> 00:54:00,698
so we're gonna go on the lake
and try to catch something.
1366
00:54:05,625 --> 00:54:07,325
[Zach] Let me put the hot dog on it.
1367
00:54:07,875 --> 00:54:09,165
- You have a hot dog?
- Yeah.
1368
00:54:09,792 --> 00:54:10,792
We could've eaten that.
1369
00:54:10,833 --> 00:54:11,833
You want a piece?
1370
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:13,893
- No, I don't wanna a piece.
- I can give you that one.
1371
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,327
It's been in your pocket all day.
1372
00:54:15,417 --> 00:54:17,417
It's only two days old, it's fine.
Hot dogs keep.
1373
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,250
- Use it.
- Fine.
1374
00:54:19,750 --> 00:54:20,750
[reel clicks]
1375
00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:23,580
Just give me a second.
1376
00:54:26,125 --> 00:54:27,915
[reel clicks, hook splashes]
1377
00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:29,833
You get caught?
1378
00:54:30,458 --> 00:54:31,998
- You gotta get it...
- God Almighty!
1379
00:54:32,083 --> 00:54:33,083
[thumping]
1380
00:54:33,375 --> 00:54:34,825
- Hey.
- [Zach sighing heavily]
1381
00:54:37,208 --> 00:54:38,208
What's going on?
1382
00:54:38,708 --> 00:54:39,578
I just feel like...
1383
00:54:39,667 --> 00:54:40,667
[stammering]
1384
00:54:40,750 --> 00:54:41,790
What are we doing?
1385
00:54:42,542 --> 00:54:46,252
I... I'm fishing on a giant goose
looking for food.
1386
00:54:46,875 --> 00:54:47,995
You got this.
1387
00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:50,500
You're gonna catch us fish for dinner,
1388
00:54:50,583 --> 00:54:52,583
we're all going to eat like kings tonight.
1389
00:54:53,292 --> 00:54:56,212
And you're gonna make a TV show
that's going to change the entire world.
1390
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,000
Okay?
1391
00:54:58,583 --> 00:54:59,583
I believe in you.
1392
00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,420
You can't just give up
when someone believes in you.
1393
00:55:06,042 --> 00:55:07,042
[exhales]
1394
00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:09,693
I don't know what I'd do without you,
Carol, I really don't.
1395
00:55:14,208 --> 00:55:16,498
If you could do anything with your life,
what would it be?
1396
00:55:17,458 --> 00:55:18,458
Forget me,
1397
00:55:18,833 --> 00:55:20,003
forget the cable access.
1398
00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,083
What would you do?
1399
00:55:21,458 --> 00:55:23,828
Once upon a time,
I thought about being a trumpet player.
1400
00:55:25,833 --> 00:55:28,383
That was right before we left
on this trip. I bought a trumpet.
1401
00:55:32,292 --> 00:55:33,792
- That was in your purse?
- Yeah.
1402
00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,288
Just in case I ever get the guts
to give it a toot.
1403
00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:38,673
Well, what are you afraid of?
1404
00:55:40,125 --> 00:55:41,705
I'm scared I might be too good at it,
1405
00:55:42,292 --> 00:55:43,372
and I'll have to leave you.
1406
00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,212
Well, then you become...
1407
00:55:46,042 --> 00:55:48,752
a famous trumpeter
and you leave me behind. It's okay.
1408
00:55:49,167 --> 00:55:50,917
If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead.
1409
00:55:51,542 --> 00:55:53,462
Lip up. Give that thing a toot.
1410
00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:55,333
Okay.
1411
00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:56,875
[laughing] Okay!
1412
00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,713
I watched a ton of videos
on how to do it.
1413
00:56:03,042 --> 00:56:07,082
[playing trumpet off-key]
1414
00:56:14,583 --> 00:56:16,633
[trumpet sputtering]
1415
00:56:19,917 --> 00:56:20,747
It's a good start.
1416
00:56:20,833 --> 00:56:22,043
You play that trumpet.
1417
00:56:22,667 --> 00:56:24,037
I'm gonna catch us some fish.
1418
00:56:26,958 --> 00:56:29,748
[trumpet continues off-key]
1419
00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:39,248
Okay, everybody.
Can everybody gather round, please?
1420
00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:40,625
Gather round.
1421
00:56:40,958 --> 00:56:41,958
All right.
1422
00:56:42,042 --> 00:56:43,832
So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.
1423
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,790
This is our last interview.
Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.
1424
00:56:47,458 --> 00:56:48,458
I have a plan.
1425
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,290
Carol, he's going to be distracted
during the interview.
1426
00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:54,003
I need you to steal some of his stuff.
1427
00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,923
- What?
- What? No!
1428
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,601
- We're not stealing!
- You can't do that. No.
1429
00:56:57,625 --> 00:57:00,455
I know... Not a lot of stuff,
just enough stuff so I can sell it later,
1430
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,422
so we have some dough.
1431
00:57:01,500 --> 00:57:04,018
- I don't feel comfortable with that.
- [Boom Boom] You don't have to do that.
1432
00:57:04,042 --> 00:57:05,132
Okay, I'll do it.
1433
00:57:05,792 --> 00:57:07,872
You have to work the camera.
Plus, you're too stupid.
1434
00:57:08,833 --> 00:57:09,833
Carol,
1435
00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:11,328
if we don't get to Los Angeles...
1436
00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:14,253
our talk show dreams are over.
1437
00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:17,708
Please?
1438
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,000
[sighing]
1439
00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:21,333
Okay.
1440
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,920
Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.
1441
00:57:24,583 --> 00:57:25,713
- [Zach] Okay.
- Yeah.
1442
00:57:25,792 --> 00:57:26,792
Okay!
1443
00:57:27,208 --> 00:57:28,628
Game faces! Let's go.
1444
00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:30,995
All right. I'll get the ferns.
1445
00:57:37,750 --> 00:57:39,000
Hey, yeah,
1446
00:57:39,292 --> 00:57:41,172
the Ferns peoples.
1447
00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:42,542
Come on.
1448
00:57:45,167 --> 00:57:46,377
Come on, don't be shy.
1449
00:57:47,792 --> 00:57:49,212
Late one last night.
1450
00:57:49,750 --> 00:57:50,750
[Carol] Oh, wow.
1451
00:57:51,333 --> 00:57:52,503
What a fancy house.
1452
00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,963
Tell us about
all of your expensive things.
1453
00:57:55,375 --> 00:57:56,875
[chuckles] All right.
1454
00:57:57,667 --> 00:57:59,377
I was just about to anyway.
1455
00:57:59,458 --> 00:58:01,578
You're noticing my Warhol, I see.
1456
00:58:02,250 --> 00:58:03,250
[Zach] Wow.
1457
00:58:03,292 --> 00:58:04,462
Must be really expensive.
1458
00:58:04,542 --> 00:58:07,962
Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal.
1459
00:58:08,042 --> 00:58:09,632
Was LaCroix around back then?
1460
00:58:09,708 --> 00:58:10,708
[Peter] Yeah.
1461
00:58:10,917 --> 00:58:11,827
[with French accent] LaCroix!
1462
00:58:11,917 --> 00:58:14,377
Seems like it must be
hard to get that off the wall.
1463
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,000
Over here...
1464
00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,130
[Carol]
Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin?
1465
00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:22,713
It's not even out yet!
1466
00:58:23,042 --> 00:58:25,282
I bet that would fetch a pretty penny
on the open market.
1467
00:58:26,208 --> 00:58:27,208
Check this out.
1468
00:58:27,292 --> 00:58:28,292
[grunts]
1469
00:58:30,250 --> 00:58:31,880
Et voilà. [chuckles]
1470
00:58:32,917 --> 00:58:34,417
Are those Fabergé eggs?
1471
00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:35,830
Yes, they are indeed.
1472
00:58:35,917 --> 00:58:36,747
Wow.
1473
00:58:36,917 --> 00:58:39,207
You know what's the most amazing thing
about this, though?
1474
00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:40,583
Uh...
1475
00:58:41,417 --> 00:58:42,627
Fabergé egg carton.
1476
00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:44,083
[Zach] Wow.
1477
00:58:44,375 --> 00:58:46,018
- Is that worth a lot of money?
- [Peter] Oh...
1478
00:58:46,042 --> 00:58:47,462
- [Carol] Like, how much?
- Oh...
1479
00:58:47,750 --> 00:58:49,540
You can't even
think of a number that high.
1480
00:58:49,625 --> 00:58:50,665
Okay, great.
1481
00:58:51,167 --> 00:58:52,917
Thank you.
We'll set up for the interview.
1482
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,101
So, we're gonna do the interview?
1483
00:58:54,125 --> 00:58:55,125
Let's do it.
1484
00:59:00,167 --> 00:59:02,457
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
1485
00:59:02,542 --> 00:59:04,632
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
1486
00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:06,208
and my guest today...
1487
00:59:06,667 --> 00:59:08,167
is Peter Dinklage.
1488
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,290
Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.
1489
00:59:11,583 --> 00:59:12,463
Mm-hmm.
1490
00:59:12,542 --> 00:59:13,542
Dinklage.
1491
00:59:14,208 --> 00:59:15,498
Is that an STD?
1492
00:59:16,500 --> 00:59:19,670
Uh, I think in German
it's von Dincklage, but...
1493
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,290
Why did you keep your real name?
1494
00:59:22,167 --> 00:59:23,747
I mean, if someone said to me,
1495
00:59:23,833 --> 00:59:28,213
"You have to start an acting career
with the name Peter Dinkylage..."
1496
00:59:28,292 --> 00:59:30,672
I'm thinking of other choices
I could've made right now.
1497
00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:33,497
Well, Galifianakis is a stage name.
1498
00:59:33,917 --> 00:59:34,827
What's your real name?
1499
00:59:34,917 --> 00:59:37,287
My real name is Chad Farthouse.
1500
00:59:38,417 --> 00:59:39,667
That doesn't sound right.
1501
00:59:39,750 --> 00:59:41,880
[Zach] There's a kid
on the Disney Channel.
1502
00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,828
Uh, Chad...
1503
00:59:44,250 --> 00:59:45,080
Farthouse.
1504
00:59:45,167 --> 00:59:47,327
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place,
1505
00:59:47,792 --> 00:59:48,832
with that last name.
1506
00:59:49,167 --> 00:59:50,417
So, I had to change my name.
1507
00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:53,670
You're in X-Men, right?
1508
00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:56,997
You know who my favorite X-Man is?
1509
00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:58,750
Caitlyn Jenner.
1510
00:59:59,542 --> 01:00:01,422
And, by the way,
that's not an offensive joke.
1511
01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:05,172
I'm honestly under the impression
that she was in the X-Men movies.
1512
01:00:07,458 --> 01:00:08,998
You were in ALF, right?
1513
01:00:09,583 --> 01:00:10,583
Elf.
1514
01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:13,710
No, I mean, you were in ALF,
the costume?
1515
01:00:14,458 --> 01:00:16,458
- Um, hey!
- [Zach] Can I just...
1516
01:00:16,875 --> 01:00:17,875
Real quick,
1517
01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:19,434
and it's important you look at my face
1518
01:00:19,458 --> 01:00:21,378
'cause I think
the sincerity in this question
1519
01:00:21,458 --> 01:00:22,878
is reading in my face.
1520
01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:26,003
Tell us about how fun it was
to be in Pixels.
1521
01:00:26,125 --> 01:00:28,205
- Pixels, was that a fun challenge?
- [eggs clanking]
1522
01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:29,538
Hey...
1523
01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:30,745
she's taking my eggs!
1524
01:00:30,833 --> 01:00:32,173
- Hey, wait!
- Okay. Let's go!
1525
01:00:32,250 --> 01:00:34,040
- Hey!
- [Zach] Let's go! Grab it! Go!
1526
01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:34,955
Grab what you can!
1527
01:00:35,042 --> 01:00:36,712
- Go!
- What the heck are you doing?
1528
01:00:36,792 --> 01:00:39,032
- What are you doing? Those are my eggs!
- [Zach] Go! Go!
1529
01:00:39,083 --> 01:00:40,601
- [all yelling]
- [Peter] My precious eggs!
1530
01:00:40,625 --> 01:00:41,995
- No!
- [tires squealing]
1531
01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:44,537
- [Zach] Loved you in Three Billboards!
- [Peter] Shit!
1532
01:00:44,833 --> 01:00:47,003
Why didn't I get attack dogs?
1533
01:00:47,750 --> 01:00:48,750
Well, I...
1534
01:00:49,292 --> 01:00:51,292
still have $102 million dollars
1535
01:00:51,875 --> 01:00:54,035
in my savings account alone. Ah.
1536
01:00:54,750 --> 01:00:56,130
You'll be fine, Peter.
1537
01:00:56,333 --> 01:00:57,503
You're a survivor.
1538
01:00:57,833 --> 01:00:59,003
You will survive.
1539
01:01:00,042 --> 01:01:02,212
[chatting indistinctly]
1540
01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:05,567
So, guys, got a little cash
from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.
1541
01:01:05,875 --> 01:01:08,205
Now, all we have to do
is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m.,
1542
01:01:08,375 --> 01:01:10,495
- and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell.
- Yes!
1543
01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:12,173
- [Boom Boom giggling]
- [Carol] Get in!
1544
01:01:17,750 --> 01:01:22,630
["Lonely Side"
by the Harry Connick, Jr. Trio playing]
1545
01:01:34,042 --> 01:01:35,042
[lock clicks]
1546
01:01:47,542 --> 01:01:48,632
[phone chimes]
1547
01:01:57,542 --> 01:01:58,542
What's this?
1548
01:02:00,708 --> 01:02:01,708
God.
1549
01:02:02,625 --> 01:02:03,875
Check my e-mail.
1550
01:02:15,375 --> 01:02:16,915
Password? Jesus.
1551
01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:19,167
Oh, it's "Jesus."
1552
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,130
I always do that.
1553
01:02:30,292 --> 01:02:31,542
Oh, my God.
1554
01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,078
What happened to all my music?
1555
01:02:34,500 --> 01:02:37,250
- [truck horn honking]
- [screaming]
1556
01:02:37,333 --> 01:02:38,673
Oh, God!
1557
01:02:38,750 --> 01:02:39,920
[tires screeching]
1558
01:02:43,500 --> 01:02:45,500
[hissing]
1559
01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,167
What happened?
1560
01:02:55,167 --> 01:02:56,037
Oh..
1561
01:02:56,125 --> 01:02:57,125
God.
1562
01:02:59,333 --> 01:03:00,173
[Cam] Are you ki...
1563
01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:01,830
- How did this happen?
- What the fuck?
1564
01:03:02,667 --> 01:03:03,917
We're fucked.
1565
01:03:04,708 --> 01:03:06,708
We're never gonna make it
to Los Angeles now.
1566
01:03:06,792 --> 01:03:07,922
Where are my ferns?
1567
01:03:10,167 --> 01:03:11,167
Where are the fer...
1568
01:03:11,208 --> 01:03:12,208
[car horn honking]
1569
01:03:12,292 --> 01:03:13,292
Wait!
1570
01:03:13,417 --> 01:03:14,417
Hey!
1571
01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:16,417
[yelling] You animal!
1572
01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:18,750
My ferns!
1573
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:20,625
My ferns!
1574
01:03:22,625 --> 01:03:23,665
They're ruined!
1575
01:03:25,625 --> 01:03:27,285
My ferns are ruined!
1576
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,378
Zach, don't worry,
we can get you new ferns.
1577
01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:32,038
What am I thinking?
This is no way to get a talk show.
1578
01:03:32,542 --> 01:03:33,962
Driving around the country.
1579
01:03:34,042 --> 01:03:35,582
There's absolutely no way
1580
01:03:35,917 --> 01:03:37,787
we can make it to Los Angeles in time.
1581
01:03:37,875 --> 01:03:38,875
It's okay.
1582
01:03:38,917 --> 01:03:41,287
All we have to do
is just walk the nearest town...
1583
01:03:41,375 --> 01:03:42,535
I'm no good for you guys.
1584
01:03:45,417 --> 01:03:46,417
So, get away from me.
1585
01:03:46,458 --> 01:03:48,708
It's over. I'm going back home.
1586
01:03:48,792 --> 01:03:50,082
Zach, you can't give up.
1587
01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:51,463
I need you.
1588
01:03:51,542 --> 01:03:53,672
Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more.
1589
01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:57,125
So, leave.
1590
01:04:00,500 --> 01:04:01,500
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
1591
01:04:02,542 --> 01:04:03,542
We're going?
1592
01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:09,375
Are you sure?
1593
01:04:10,417 --> 01:04:11,997
[sobbing]
1594
01:04:16,917 --> 01:04:18,787
[thunder crashing]
1595
01:04:21,125 --> 01:04:23,665
♪ The things you said are
1596
01:04:23,750 --> 01:04:29,920
♪ Hanging in the middle of my mind
Tonight ♪
1597
01:04:31,292 --> 01:04:33,832
♪ I can't turn them off ♪
1598
01:04:34,583 --> 01:04:36,503
Okay, will you just stop filming, please?
1599
01:04:36,958 --> 01:04:38,708
[director] You told me to get everything.
1600
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,382
All right, thank you.
Please just turn the cam...
1601
01:04:44,042 --> 01:04:45,042
Stop!
1602
01:04:45,458 --> 01:04:48,668
♪ Brings me back here ♪
1603
01:04:50,375 --> 01:04:56,075
♪ Into the garden by the hand ♪
1604
01:04:56,708 --> 01:05:00,958
♪ You've always had me ♪
1605
01:05:02,167 --> 01:05:05,457
♪ Walking on a string ♪
1606
01:05:06,042 --> 01:05:07,502
[cheering on television]
1607
01:05:07,583 --> 01:05:08,633
What can I get you?
1608
01:05:08,917 --> 01:05:10,327
Can I have an orange juice, please.
1609
01:05:11,125 --> 01:05:13,184
[game show host] And, as you can see,Jim is still in the lead,
1610
01:05:13,208 --> 01:05:15,458
but we did have to deduct 250 points
1611
01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:18,542
because, during the break,
our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln
1612
01:05:18,625 --> 01:05:19,455
There you go.
1613
01:05:19,542 --> 01:05:21,832
...was the 16th President
of the United States.
1614
01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,963
Tina, from Houston, Texas.
1615
01:05:24,458 --> 01:05:26,168
Texas, represent!
1616
01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,330
And you said you had a very special reason
for being here on the show tonight?
1617
01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:31,995
It's 'cause I'd love to take
my friends on a vacation.
1618
01:05:32,042 --> 01:05:35,082
They really deserve it
and they mean everything to me.
1619
01:05:36,083 --> 01:05:38,753
And I would love to show them
that I am not a failure,
1620
01:05:39,167 --> 01:05:41,207
and that I just appreciate them.
1621
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:42,833
So you feel like a failure now?
1622
01:05:43,333 --> 01:05:44,383
Currently, yeah.
1623
01:05:44,458 --> 01:05:47,668
- But you wanna prove that you are not one?
- And I think I can do it today.
1624
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:50,710
Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit,
1625
01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:53,417
but you still have a chance
to catch up and win.
1626
01:05:53,625 --> 01:05:55,125
That's why we call this show...
1627
01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:58,418
Don't Give Up!
[applause]
1628
01:05:58,500 --> 01:05:59,500
Don't give up.
1629
01:05:59,625 --> 01:06:02,325
♪ Walking on a string ♪
1630
01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:07,035
♪ Can't escape it ♪
1631
01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:08,875
[Zach yelling] Carol!
1632
01:06:12,208 --> 01:06:13,208
Carol!
1633
01:06:14,125 --> 01:06:15,165
- Carol!
- [Carol] Zach!
1634
01:06:15,250 --> 01:06:17,130
- Oh, my God! Zach!
- There you are.
1635
01:06:17,208 --> 01:06:19,038
[Carol exclaiming]
1636
01:06:20,083 --> 01:06:21,083
You were right.
1637
01:06:21,292 --> 01:06:22,462
I should never give up.
1638
01:06:22,708 --> 01:06:24,184
I just want to thank you
for believing in me.
1639
01:06:24,208 --> 01:06:26,893
No! Everything's fine, we found a guy
who's gonna take us to Los Angeles.
1640
01:06:26,917 --> 01:06:28,226
- He's gonna drive us.
- Get in the car!
1641
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,850
- Yeah?
- [Cam] Let's go, get in the car!
1642
01:06:29,875 --> 01:06:31,535
We're doing it! We're doing it!
1643
01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:47,000
[Zach] Thanks, Chuck!
1644
01:06:47,250 --> 01:06:49,920
[Boom Boom] Go, go, go.
Bye! Thank you!
1645
01:06:50,042 --> 01:06:50,882
[Carol yelps]
1646
01:06:50,958 --> 01:06:52,518
[Zach] Come on, come on, come on, come on.
1647
01:06:52,542 --> 01:06:53,542
[Carol groaning]
1648
01:06:54,458 --> 01:06:55,851
What time is it?
Anybody know what time it is?
1649
01:06:55,875 --> 01:06:57,825
- No!
- [Cam] Nobody wears a watch anymore.
1650
01:06:57,917 --> 01:06:58,827
- [Zach] Come on.
- [elevator dings]
1651
01:06:58,917 --> 01:06:59,997
[Carol] Shit, go.
1652
01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:02,726
- [woman] Hey! You can't go in there.
- [Zach] This way! This way!
1653
01:07:02,750 --> 01:07:04,790
Just burst in, just go, go, go!
1654
01:07:06,750 --> 01:07:09,960
[counter clicking]
1655
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:14,000
Mr. Ferrell?
1656
01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:18,790
Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis,
1657
01:07:19,375 --> 01:07:20,745
from the internet show.
1658
01:07:20,833 --> 01:07:23,083
I've got those tapes that you wanted.
1659
01:07:24,333 --> 01:07:25,333
Hello?
1660
01:07:26,458 --> 01:07:27,578
[buzzing]
1661
01:07:27,667 --> 01:07:28,497
[spits]
1662
01:07:28,583 --> 01:07:30,213
- Jesus Christ!
- [Carol gasping]
1663
01:07:30,542 --> 01:07:31,462
What is that?
1664
01:07:31,542 --> 01:07:33,082
- It's a teeth whitener.
- [Zach] Oh.
1665
01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:37,875
[Will] Ah-ah-ah!
1666
01:07:38,792 --> 01:07:41,462
Gently place the bag on the floor
and kick it over to me.
1667
01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:43,458
Slowly.
1668
01:07:44,792 --> 01:07:45,792
Slowly.
1669
01:07:47,750 --> 01:07:48,750
Gently.
1670
01:07:49,583 --> 01:07:50,583
Gently.
1671
01:07:52,042 --> 01:07:54,212
Now, kick it as hard as you can
across the floor.
1672
01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:57,250
Keep kicking them.
1673
01:08:00,250 --> 01:08:02,250
That's as hard as you can kick?
[laughs]
1674
01:08:02,333 --> 01:08:03,333
- Do it.
- You can...
1675
01:08:03,417 --> 01:08:05,457
Ah! Fu...
1676
01:08:05,542 --> 01:08:06,672
Push it, if you have to.
1677
01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:08,923
[grunts]
1678
01:08:13,667 --> 01:08:16,997
[sniffing]
1679
01:08:17,958 --> 01:08:18,958
They're all there.
1680
01:08:19,500 --> 01:08:21,250
[continues sniffing]
1681
01:08:27,375 --> 01:08:28,375
Episode ten.
1682
01:08:28,875 --> 01:08:30,165
[chuckling]
1683
01:08:30,917 --> 01:08:32,077
Nice job, Zachy Baby.
1684
01:08:32,458 --> 01:08:34,726
I knew you were gonna say
something like that. I told you right?
1685
01:08:34,750 --> 01:08:36,851
- Yeah, you did.
- I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it.
1686
01:08:36,875 --> 01:08:38,575
You completed your task.
1687
01:08:40,125 --> 01:08:41,125
And now...
1688
01:08:42,625 --> 01:08:43,625
you may leave.
1689
01:08:44,667 --> 01:08:45,497
[buzzing]
1690
01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,923
You told me that
if I delivered those tapes,
1691
01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:50,768
you'd give me my own network talk show.
1692
01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:53,165
Our own talk show.
1693
01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:56,082
Are you forgetting the "pro"
of the quid pro quo?
1694
01:08:56,167 --> 01:08:59,077
I asked you to deliver
ten episodes of your show...
1695
01:08:59,167 --> 01:09:00,707
- [Zach] Yeah.
- ...by 9:00 a.m.
1696
01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:02,883
Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m.
It's before 9:00 a.m.
1697
01:09:03,250 --> 01:09:04,250
9:00 a.m...
1698
01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:06,668
Tokyo time!
1699
01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:09,210
Before the markets open!
1700
01:09:09,875 --> 01:09:11,825
I can't do anything with these!
1701
01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:13,833
They are worthless to me,
1702
01:09:13,917 --> 01:09:15,327
you fat idiot!
1703
01:09:17,667 --> 01:09:19,268
- How could we have known?
- There's no way...
1704
01:09:19,292 --> 01:09:20,922
It makes sense, though. Let's just go.
1705
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:22,480
Let's just get out of here. I'm so...
1706
01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:23,753
Mr. Galifianakis?
1707
01:09:23,917 --> 01:09:24,747
Yes?
1708
01:09:24,833 --> 01:09:26,213
Your television contract.
1709
01:09:27,500 --> 01:09:28,330
[pen clicks]
1710
01:09:28,417 --> 01:09:30,917
For one big, fancy network talk show.
1711
01:09:36,417 --> 01:09:37,417
[laughing]
1712
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,858
What is this? What... what is this?
1713
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,920
I was fucking with you!
1714
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,420
- What, you mean...
- You know why I was fucking with you?
1715
01:09:44,042 --> 01:09:46,382
Because that's what celebrities
do to each other.
1716
01:09:47,542 --> 01:09:48,922
You were just Clooney-ed.
1717
01:09:49,000 --> 01:09:50,000
What?
1718
01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:50,963
You won.
1719
01:09:51,042 --> 01:09:52,962
I'm getting my own network talk show?
1720
01:09:53,042 --> 01:09:54,882
You're about to be a TV star!
1721
01:09:54,958 --> 01:09:57,168
- [Carol laughing]
- [exclaims] God Almighty!
1722
01:09:57,250 --> 01:09:59,330
- Yeah!
- On TV, not the internet?
1723
01:09:59,417 --> 01:10:01,037
[Boom Boom] My God! Zach!
1724
01:10:01,125 --> 01:10:02,825
- Yeah!
- You did it! [laughing]
1725
01:10:02,917 --> 01:10:03,917
So exciting.
1726
01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,458
My two ferns...
1727
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,582
you know, they were destroyed and...
1728
01:10:16,208 --> 01:10:18,168
I don't know if I can
do a show without them.
1729
01:10:18,250 --> 01:10:20,080
You sign that contract...
1730
01:10:21,292 --> 01:10:22,382
and I'll give you something
1731
01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,325
way better than two ferns.
1732
01:10:25,208 --> 01:10:26,208
Three ferns?
1733
01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,543
- Twenty?
- No, four ferns
1734
01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:31,625
Four fer...
1735
01:10:32,083 --> 01:10:33,793
- Four ferns?
- Four ferns!
1736
01:10:33,917 --> 01:10:35,667
[all celebrating]
1737
01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:37,672
Gaya! Come on!
1738
01:10:39,292 --> 01:10:42,172
USA! USA!
1739
01:10:42,250 --> 01:10:43,250
US...
1740
01:10:48,000 --> 01:10:51,000
[upbeat instrumental theme song playing]
1741
01:10:51,583 --> 01:10:54,713
[applause]
1742
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:56,632
Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G,
1743
01:10:56,708 --> 01:10:59,128
and you're watching
my first episode of...
1744
01:10:59,583 --> 01:11:00,583
Ferns.
1745
01:11:00,625 --> 01:11:02,625
[applause]
1746
01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:06,710
Give it up for DJ Flop!
1747
01:11:06,792 --> 01:11:08,082
[beat plays]
1748
01:11:08,167 --> 01:11:09,667
What's going on, Zachy G?
1749
01:11:11,458 --> 01:11:12,458
Okay,
1750
01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:15,038
let's get to our very first guest ever.
1751
01:11:15,583 --> 01:11:16,833
According to Wikipedia,
1752
01:11:16,917 --> 01:11:18,667
she is 5 ft. 10,
1753
01:11:18,792 --> 01:11:21,132
and was born April 30th, 1985.
1754
01:11:21,417 --> 01:11:24,127
Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot!
1755
01:11:24,583 --> 01:11:25,673
Oh, Gal!
1756
01:11:25,917 --> 01:11:28,207
[audience cheering]
1757
01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:30,253
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi.
1758
01:11:30,333 --> 01:11:31,173
Ooh.
1759
01:11:31,250 --> 01:11:33,250
[laughs politely]
1760
01:11:33,375 --> 01:11:34,375
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1761
01:11:34,417 --> 01:11:35,827
Thank you so much for having me.
1762
01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:36,957
Hey, everyone.
1763
01:11:38,125 --> 01:11:38,955
Ah.
1764
01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:41,002
Oh, how wonderful is this?
1765
01:11:41,083 --> 01:11:42,673
Gal Gadot's here!
1766
01:11:43,750 --> 01:11:45,250
Thank you so much for having me,
1767
01:11:45,333 --> 01:11:49,173
and I'm so honored
to be the first guest on your first show.
1768
01:11:49,708 --> 01:11:51,878
I've never been someone's first before,
so that's...
1769
01:11:51,958 --> 01:11:53,628
[laughter]
1770
01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:55,378
All right, so, uh, Gal,
1771
01:11:55,583 --> 01:11:57,713
here comes my first question.
1772
01:11:58,917 --> 01:12:01,287
Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman.
1773
01:12:01,417 --> 01:12:02,827
[cheerfully] I'm wondering, woman,
1774
01:12:02,958 --> 01:12:03,828
how fun was that?
1775
01:12:03,917 --> 01:12:06,287
[laughter]
1776
01:12:06,542 --> 01:12:09,672
It was amazing, it was so much fun.
1777
01:12:09,750 --> 01:12:12,080
[cheering]
1778
01:12:14,375 --> 01:12:16,455
[beat playing]
1779
01:12:16,917 --> 01:12:19,827
[cheering continues]
1780
01:12:32,042 --> 01:12:35,212
[beat and cheering continues]
1781
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,040
The ratings are solid
in all four quadrants.
1782
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,665
A slight dip in seniors over 80,
1783
01:12:42,750 --> 01:12:44,510
but you make up for it
with pregnant mothers,
1784
01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:46,382
which technically
counts as watching for two.
1785
01:12:47,125 --> 01:12:47,995
Oh, hey, guys.
1786
01:12:48,083 --> 01:12:49,463
Can I have a minute with them?
1787
01:12:49,542 --> 01:12:50,542
Sure.
1788
01:12:52,708 --> 01:12:53,578
You saw that, huh?
1789
01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:54,667
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah.
1790
01:12:54,708 --> 01:12:55,788
What was that all about?
1791
01:12:55,875 --> 01:12:57,285
I thought it was so good!
1792
01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,753
I mean, did you see the chemistry
between me and Gal?
1793
01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:01,422
It was unbelievable,
1794
01:13:01,500 --> 01:13:03,290
the back-and-forth we had.
1795
01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,768
I don't think that's what Carol meant.
1796
01:13:04,792 --> 01:13:06,922
Yeah, it's different
from what you usually do.
1797
01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,130
Okay, yeah, all right, so,
1798
01:13:08,208 --> 01:13:10,708
Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me,
1799
01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:14,293
and the old me
is not gonna work for this, you guys.
1800
01:13:15,000 --> 01:13:16,880
This is the new me, this is the new ZG.
1801
01:13:16,958 --> 01:13:18,628
Celebrities don't wanna be insulted,
1802
01:13:18,708 --> 01:13:20,788
they just wanna talk
about their fascinating lives.
1803
01:13:20,917 --> 01:13:22,747
But, don't you kind of feel
like a sell-out?
1804
01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:24,153
Can you really call it a sell-out
1805
01:13:24,208 --> 01:13:26,208
when they give you a free Tesla
for doing the show?
1806
01:13:26,292 --> 01:13:28,422
That's literally
the definition of selling out.
1807
01:13:28,500 --> 01:13:30,500
Zach, do you really
wanna be like Will Ferrell?
1808
01:13:30,583 --> 01:13:31,923
Some washed-up has-been
1809
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,210
who takes cameos in Hollywood movies
1810
01:13:34,292 --> 01:13:36,172
just to get another day's worth
of cocaine?
1811
01:13:36,250 --> 01:13:39,670
You know, I didn't even like you
before we took this trip to Hollywood,
1812
01:13:39,750 --> 01:13:42,420
but at least then I knew who you were.
1813
01:13:42,625 --> 01:13:45,325
I don't know who this person is
that you're pretending to be.
1814
01:13:46,833 --> 01:13:48,463
So, are you just saying that I should...
1815
01:13:49,708 --> 01:13:51,078
just forget everything? Just...
1816
01:13:52,458 --> 01:13:54,668
just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams?
1817
01:13:55,667 --> 01:13:56,537
[door opening]
1818
01:13:56,667 --> 01:13:59,377
Zach, we need you on set
to shoot promos for tomorrow's show.
1819
01:14:00,708 --> 01:14:03,378
Zach, we're leaving. We're going
to drive back to North Carolina.
1820
01:14:03,458 --> 01:14:05,878
Shirl called and said
they rebuilt the studio.
1821
01:14:06,125 --> 01:14:07,625
We can have our old jobs back.
1822
01:14:08,417 --> 01:14:10,497
Carol, you're the one
that told me never to give up.
1823
01:14:11,500 --> 01:14:13,790
I know, and I still believe in you, Zach,
but...
1824
01:14:15,125 --> 01:14:16,205
this isn't you.
1825
01:14:17,458 --> 01:14:19,248
Zach? Are you coming?
1826
01:14:24,792 --> 01:14:28,712
[melancholy music playing]
1827
01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:50,000
Hey, guys!
1828
01:14:50,417 --> 01:14:51,877
Wait for me! I had to get my ferns.
1829
01:14:51,958 --> 01:14:52,828
- [Boom Boom] Zach!
- [Carol] What?
1830
01:14:52,917 --> 01:14:54,997
We thought you chose the show over us?
1831
01:14:55,167 --> 01:14:57,167
What, just 'cause I walked
into the studio silently
1832
01:14:57,208 --> 01:14:58,748
without telling you what I was doing?
1833
01:14:58,833 --> 01:14:59,833
Have more faith.
1834
01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:01,287
Of course I'm going with you guys!
1835
01:15:01,375 --> 01:15:02,745
- You're coming?
- Yes!
1836
01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:04,293
- You're coming with us?
- Yes!
1837
01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,575
All right! Let's go. Let's go.
1838
01:15:06,667 --> 01:15:07,667
[Boob Boom] Yes!
1839
01:15:08,542 --> 01:15:09,832
Carol, you were right.
1840
01:15:10,333 --> 01:15:11,833
Hollywood's not for us.
1841
01:15:12,625 --> 01:15:15,165
It has a need to sanitize everything,
1842
01:15:15,250 --> 01:15:17,380
to slap a happy ending on everything.
1843
01:15:17,458 --> 01:15:19,168
So, let's get out of here
1844
01:15:19,583 --> 01:15:21,543
and drive off into the sunset together.
1845
01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:24,245
'Cause all I need are my friends,
1846
01:15:24,750 --> 01:15:25,750
my show,
1847
01:15:26,208 --> 01:15:27,208
and my ferns.
1848
01:15:27,500 --> 01:15:28,630
[crunching]
1849
01:15:33,708 --> 01:15:34,918
We'll just get some new ones.
1850
01:15:35,500 --> 01:15:36,710
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
1851
01:15:36,792 --> 01:15:40,332
[Between Two Ferns theme playing]
1852
01:15:43,875 --> 01:15:45,785
Bradley Co... Bradley Coper.
1853
01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:47,893
- Cooper. Yeah.
- Bradly Cooper co-wrote,
1854
01:15:47,917 --> 01:15:50,207
produced, directed
and starred in A Star Is Born.
1855
01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:51,132
I haven't seen it.
1856
01:15:51,208 --> 01:15:54,078
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
1857
01:15:54,625 --> 01:15:57,205
[both laughing]
1858
01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,330
It's such a good question!
1859
01:16:01,750 --> 01:16:02,750
[Zach snorting]
1860
01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:03,673
So sorry.
1861
01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,332
- Oh...
- I'm so sorry.
1862
01:16:05,417 --> 01:16:06,627
Let's take that one back.
1863
01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,378
And, uh, we had this young woman,
1864
01:16:09,542 --> 01:16:11,422
heroic young woman, Malala...
1865
01:16:12,292 --> 01:16:13,672
uh, on the show,
1866
01:16:14,250 --> 01:16:15,330
and, um...
1867
01:16:15,750 --> 01:16:18,670
Known the world over,
not big in North America.
1868
01:16:18,750 --> 01:16:20,630
You, I can tell by that look
1869
01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,428
that you have no idea
who I'm talking about.
1870
01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:24,340
- Yeah, I know who you're talking about.
- Who?
1871
01:16:24,458 --> 01:16:25,958
Adam Carolla, is that who you said?
1872
01:16:27,333 --> 01:16:30,423
[both laughing]
1873
01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:32,080
That's why I have this look on my face.
1874
01:16:33,333 --> 01:16:34,173
Wow.
1875
01:16:34,250 --> 01:16:35,410
If you didn't have an accent,
1876
01:16:35,458 --> 01:16:38,458
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
1877
01:16:38,667 --> 01:16:41,827
[both laughing]
1878
01:16:44,542 --> 01:16:45,542
Please keep going.
1879
01:16:46,083 --> 01:16:48,083
I read online that you're very private
1880
01:16:48,167 --> 01:16:50,747
and decline to answer questions
that make you feel uncomfortable.
1881
01:16:50,833 --> 01:16:52,043
This is a two-parter.
1882
01:16:52,750 --> 01:16:55,500
Is that true? And how old were you
when you got your period?
1883
01:16:55,625 --> 01:16:57,625
[laughing]
1884
01:16:58,500 --> 01:16:59,880
Do you ever go to the DMZ?
1885
01:17:00,708 --> 01:17:03,378
- No.
- It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV.
1886
01:17:03,458 --> 01:17:05,418
That's just a bunch of people...
1887
01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:06,920
sitting around...
1888
01:17:07,083 --> 01:17:08,543
[laughing]
1889
01:17:08,875 --> 01:17:11,705
talking about their drivers' licenses.
1890
01:17:12,042 --> 01:17:13,542
[both laughing]
1891
01:17:14,167 --> 01:17:16,287
Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses.
1892
01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:20,000
"Oh, my gosh,
she's got a C-class on hers."
1893
01:17:21,333 --> 01:17:22,333
"Oh...
1894
01:17:22,708 --> 01:17:25,328
James Franco wears corrective lenses."
1895
01:17:25,500 --> 01:17:28,540
[laughing]
1896
01:17:29,958 --> 01:17:30,998
[snorts]
1897
01:17:31,083 --> 01:17:33,133
- You used to live in your car.
- Yeah.
1898
01:17:33,250 --> 01:17:35,290
Is it as fun as it sounds,
or is there a downside?
1899
01:17:35,375 --> 01:17:37,495
[both laughing]
1900
01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,210
Would you say that your work
in La La Land
1901
01:17:44,542 --> 01:17:45,752
really helped pave the way
1902
01:17:45,833 --> 01:17:48,213
for white people
to explain jazz to black people?
1903
01:17:48,292 --> 01:17:49,292
Sorry!
1904
01:17:49,375 --> 01:17:51,375
[laughing]
[Zach snorts]
1905
01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,838
All right. Let me get that out.
Sorry, you guys.
1906
01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:57,915
We'll be right back
with Who Gives A Shit?
1907
01:17:58,625 --> 01:18:00,625
[laughing]
1908
01:18:01,917 --> 01:18:04,377
I mean, what, did you
read something last night
1909
01:18:04,458 --> 01:18:06,748
and were so eager to come
tell a bunch of young people
1910
01:18:06,833 --> 01:18:08,133
about what you read?
1911
01:18:08,208 --> 01:18:09,538
[laughing]
1912
01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:10,880
Yes, I did.
1913
01:18:11,708 --> 01:18:12,918
I did do a lot of reading.
1914
01:18:13,042 --> 01:18:15,962
When you and Woody Harrelson
are acting in a scene together,
1915
01:18:16,042 --> 01:18:19,082
are you sad that somewhere
there's a sack not being hackied?
1916
01:18:19,417 --> 01:18:21,417
[laughing]
1917
01:18:24,292 --> 01:18:25,292
That's good.
1918
01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,038
"A sack not being hackied."
1919
01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:30,002
What was the marijuana budget
on True Detective?
1920
01:18:30,083 --> 01:18:32,083
[laughing]
1921
01:18:34,208 --> 01:18:35,208
And are you...
1922
01:18:35,333 --> 01:18:37,013
Have you smoked
a lot of that budget today?
1923
01:18:38,542 --> 01:18:39,542
Oh, shit.
1924
01:18:39,625 --> 01:18:41,455
- You know a guy that has a Tesla?
- Mm-hmm.
1925
01:18:41,542 --> 01:18:42,542
[whistles]
1926
01:18:42,875 --> 01:18:44,285
[laughter]
1927
01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:45,580
I won the EGOF.
1928
01:18:45,708 --> 01:18:46,538
Hmm?
1929
01:18:46,625 --> 01:18:47,955
- You know what an EGOT is?
- No.
1930
01:18:48,083 --> 01:18:50,253
Oh, an EGOT! Stupid!
1931
01:18:50,875 --> 01:18:52,665
It's amazing that this is even a thing.
1932
01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:54,000
An EGOT?
1933
01:18:54,042 --> 01:18:54,882
Or this thing?
1934
01:18:54,958 --> 01:18:55,998
- This.
- [laughing]
1935
01:18:56,083 --> 01:18:58,543
I wasn't talking about the EGOT!
I really...
1936
01:18:58,667 --> 01:19:00,327
[laughing]
1937
01:19:00,417 --> 01:19:02,787
I was talking about this. Exactly.
1938
01:19:05,208 --> 01:19:07,038
There's a kid on the Disney Channel.
1939
01:19:07,500 --> 01:19:09,080
Uh, Chad...
1940
01:19:09,500 --> 01:19:10,330
Farthouse.
1941
01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,667
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place.
1942
01:19:14,792 --> 01:19:16,332
[snickering]
1943
01:19:17,542 --> 01:19:19,101
- [Zach] Your face...
- How does anybody do this?
1944
01:19:19,125 --> 01:19:20,125
- Sorry.
- Your face.
1945
01:19:20,167 --> 01:19:21,377
- Sorry.
- ...is not helping.
1946
01:19:21,458 --> 01:19:23,038
Chad Far... [laughs]
1947
01:19:24,458 --> 01:19:25,458
Do you hear that?
1948
01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:26,955
No, I don't hear anything.
1949
01:19:27,208 --> 01:19:28,708
That is the sound of everybody
1950
01:19:28,792 --> 01:19:31,212
talking about your performance
in Big Little Lies.
1951
01:19:32,917 --> 01:19:33,957
[whispering] No one cares.
1952
01:19:35,250 --> 01:19:36,500
[laughing]
1953
01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:37,583
It's so mean!
1954
01:19:39,500 --> 01:19:41,300
Your parents got divorced
when you were seven.
1955
01:19:42,208 --> 01:19:43,208
Was that your fault?
1956
01:19:43,750 --> 01:19:45,290
[laughs]
1957
01:19:45,833 --> 01:19:46,673
And guess why?
1958
01:19:46,750 --> 01:19:50,210
They named their daughter
after a fucking piece of cheese.
1959
01:19:50,333 --> 01:19:52,083
[laughing]
1960
01:19:53,125 --> 01:19:55,825
Again, I'd like to thank
crystal meth Santa Claus for being here.
1961
01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:58,000
[laughing]
1962
01:20:00,458 --> 01:20:03,168
Don Draper's suit
hangs in the Smithsonian Museum
1963
01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:04,309
- Yes, it does.
- It's an honor.
1964
01:20:04,333 --> 01:20:06,333
- Yeah!
- Right next to the Cosby sweaters?
1965
01:20:06,458 --> 01:20:09,418
[guffawing]
1966
01:20:17,708 --> 01:20:19,168
- Okay.
- No!
1967
01:20:19,375 --> 01:20:21,075
What advice would you
give to a young actor
1968
01:20:21,167 --> 01:20:23,457
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
1969
01:20:23,833 --> 01:20:25,833
[laughing]
1970
01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:35,880
You know what happens
when a Jewish guy
1971
01:20:36,333 --> 01:20:39,253
walks into a brick wall
with a full erection?
1972
01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,167
- What?
- He breaks his nose.
1973
01:20:42,292 --> 01:20:43,672
[laughs]
1974
01:20:44,333 --> 01:20:45,633
I knew that was the answer!
1975
01:20:46,958 --> 01:20:48,538
I did too, and I laughed!
1976
01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:51,345
- I've told that joke for 20...
- Did you just come up with the joke?
1977
01:20:51,708 --> 01:20:53,248
That's a joke you've told before?
1978
01:20:53,375 --> 01:20:54,785
[both laughing]
1979
01:21:02,625 --> 01:21:03,625
And...
1980
01:21:04,083 --> 01:21:05,543
that's the end of your movie, right?
1981
01:21:05,958 --> 01:21:07,248
Yeah. And cut.
1982
01:21:07,708 --> 01:21:10,328
Thanks, guys, thank you very much
for your time. Thank you.
1983
01:21:10,458 --> 01:21:12,328
Thank you so much for doing this. Uh...
1984
01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:15,168
I think it's gonna be good.
I hope my professor gives me an A.
1985
01:21:15,250 --> 01:21:16,250
What?
1986
01:21:17,292 --> 01:21:18,972
Your professor?
What are you talking about?
1987
01:21:19,000 --> 01:21:20,630
Yeah, this is a student film.
1988
01:21:20,875 --> 01:21:22,675
I'm a student
at Appalachian State University.
1989
01:21:22,875 --> 01:21:23,955
Student film?
1990
01:21:24,292 --> 01:21:25,882
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
1991
01:21:25,958 --> 01:21:27,498
So, nobody's gonna see this?
1992
01:21:27,750 --> 01:21:29,460
Well, my professor's gonna see it.
1993
01:21:29,667 --> 01:21:30,667
And the students.
1994
01:21:31,083 --> 01:21:32,309
There's, like, 12 people in my class.
1995
01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:33,543
And I'll show my parents.
1996
01:21:35,083 --> 01:21:36,603
Get the fuck out of my office, please.
1997
01:21:37,250 --> 01:21:38,330
Excuse me?
1998
01:21:38,417 --> 01:21:40,327
Get the fudge out of my office, please.
1999
01:21:40,750 --> 01:21:43,768
I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm
saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite,
2000
01:21:43,792 --> 01:21:45,252
but get the fuck out of my office.
2001
01:21:45,458 --> 01:21:47,128
Geez. Sorry.
2002
01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:58,080
[yelling] It could've been in 3D!
2002
01:21:59,305 --> 01:22:05,590
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