All language subtitles for Way Way Out (1966)

* 10 *

* 9 *

* 8, 7 *

* 6, 5 *

* 4, 3, 2, 1 *

* you're gonna
take a trip, girl *

* so slip into something
slinky and smooth *

* way, way out *

* just wave
the world good-bye *

* let's ride,
'cause, girl *

* I got a whole
lot to prove *

* way, way out *

* I need to show
you I know *

* you and me were meant
to go the whole route *

* way, way out *

* and if you stick
with me, girl *

* you'll see what
the game of love's all about *

* way, way out *

* I'm gonna put
a smile upon your face *

* get ready now,
you better brace yourself *

* we're gonna take
a trip in outer space *

* fly now and
we'll pay later, girl *

* come on, and go with me *

* and you'll see what
the game of love's all about *

* it's way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* no time to pack your bag *

* just grab my hand and
let me show you the way *

* way, way out *

* I've nominated
you the girl *

* who I would like
to lead me astray *

* way, way out *

* I'm gonna prove to you *

* that love is groovy *

* so you better watch out *

* way, way out *

* I aim to hold you,
kiss you *

* teach you what the game
of love's all about *

* way, way out *

* the moment that I
saw you in the crowd *

* I planned to take you
into orbit, girl *

* I'm gonna get us
lost inside a cloud *

* 'cause that's
the only way to fly *

* so put your trust in me
and you'll see *

* what the game
of love's all about *

* it's way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

This is colonel
John "shorty" powers,

in lunar launch control.

And this story takes place

near the turn
of the century.

Not the last century,

the next century.

Nothing very much has
happened since the 1960's.

There is still
a united nations

and peace in the world.

Or at least, what we have
come to accept as peace.

This special
moderating committee

of the united nations

will now come to order.

And the chair recognizes

the delegate from
the Soviet union.

Thank you.

5 days ago,

on October 22,

a Russian
woman citizen

Anna Soblova,

who is now operating

our weather station
on the moon,

was fallen upon
and attacked

without warning
by one of

the United States
personnel,

who is at present
operating

the American weather
station on the moon.

This completely
unprovoked assault,

with deep sexual
implications,

only failed
because of

miss Soblova's
previous experience

in fighting off
attacks

of this nature.

The United States
government denies

all knowledge
of such an attack.

And knowing
the high-type

of the fine,
young American men

that America has sent

to its weather stations
on the moon,

we feel sure
that this attack,

if it occurred,

must have been provoked
by the Russian citizen

miss Anna Soblova herself!

I charge that
this high-type

of fine, young
American men

are nothing but
uncontrolled

sex offenders of
the lowest type!

Sex offenders!

You wanna doubt me?!

I gave you
the facts.

You know I'm right.

I'll not stand
for this, sir!

No, no, no, no, no!

You can't close down, sir!

All right?
I'll tell you that.

Not one moment, sir.

What are you? Pounding on
the table with your shoe?

He's got his shoes off here!

Nyet!
Nyet! Nyet!

Yes,
there is peace on earth,

and great things are
happening on the moon.

But we would be
less than honest

if we didn't admit
that there may be

trouble brewing up there.

Mr. Quonset! Mr. Quonset!

I'm not clear about
a few charges

made at the united nations
yesterday.

Please, please,
let me repeat.

I have absolutely
nothing more to say

about the outrageous
charges

made by the Russians

at the united nations
yesterday.

Then you deny that
one of our boys up there

made an attack
on that Russian girl?

Well, of course,
I deny it.

I know the caliber
of the men

we send to the moon.

I select them myself.

Don't they
like girls?

She said,
"don't they like girls?"

Naturally,
they like girls...

With restraint!

Let us not forget
we are talking

about American boys.

Now then.

As to the reason for
calling this conference.

As you know,

ever since our lunar
station was established,

it has been our policy
to send up 2 men.

A weathernaut
and an astronomer.

From now on, for reasons
best known to ourselves,

we have decided that
the team shall consist

of a male weathernaut

and a fully-qualified
female astronomer.

Mr. Quonset?

Mm-hmm?

Do you mean to say
they're going to send

a man and woman up there

to spend a year on the moon,
alone, together?

Not a woman, a wife.

There's a big difference

between the two,
you know.

When was all this decided?

Yesterday?

This has nothing
whatever to do

with anything that
happened yesterday.

This decision was
taken some months ago.

Why? Is something
happening up there

that we don't know about?

What could be
happening on the moon?

The moon is a lonely,
desolate post.

Naturally, certain
difficulties arise

when men are
subjected

to those kinds
of stresses.

What stresses?

Personality
disarrangement,

deep
depressions,

the sort
of friction

which naturally
develops

between 2 men
who have nothing

but each other
for company

for an entire year.

To be quite frank,

the 2 men we have
up there now

have tried to...

Have tried to do
away with each other

3 times in
the last 4 months.

Where do you plan on
finding a weathernaut

who's gonna fall
in love with and marry

a female astronomer?

It so happens that
we have already found

just such a couple.

At about the same time

as our decision
was made,

it came to our notice
that a young weathernaut

had fallen in love
with one of our girls

from the national
space agency.

They have just returned

from a blissful
3-weeks honeymoon.

Do we get their names?

You'll get
better than that.

At this time,

I plan to introduce
you to...

As I was saying,

at this time, we plan...

Forgive me one moment.

What is it,
Ponsonby?

It's terrible.

What's terrible?

Yes, sir.

That ends the press
conference for today.

Ponsonby!

Yes, sir?

What the hell
do you think you're up to?

I'm afraid
the fertilizer

has hit
the ventilator, sir.

What are you talking about?

The newlyweds!

You're in for
a terrible shock.

Ted, you overgrown
pipsqueak, you!

Please, listen.

No, you listen!

No! No! Not that!

Put it down, dear.

Give it to me.
There. Ha ha.

Good heavens,
what is this?

Our first little
lovers' quarrel?

We can't have that.

It's much too early
in the day.

The whole thing's

blown up in our faces, sir.

She doesn't want
to go to the moon.

To the moon?

Mr. Quonset,
I wouldn't go

to the corner
drug store

with that miserable
excuse for a man.

What's wrong?

Did something happen
on the honeymoon?

Did something happen?

Well, we saw a lot
of daytime television,

and we went
to the saltwater plunge

every afternoon.

If you don't shut up...

Oh, yes, and he was
on the phone to his mother

at least 2 or 3 times a day.

What's wrong with
calling my mother?

I know her a lot
better than I know you.

What were you
calling her for?

Instructions?

Now you listen to me...

Now, now, now,
children.

I expect you're
both of you

a little bit
overtired.

From what?

Well, nobody's
honeymoon

goes smoothly,
you know.

Good heavens.

I wouldn't
go through

my honeymoon again

with Mrs. Quonset
for...

You'll soon warm
to each other

on the moon.

You've got a whole
year together.

Forget it.

Forget it?
My dear child,

you're due
to lift off

in under 3 days.

I'm lifting off right now!

Oh!

What a girl.
What an awful girl.

My mother said,
right from the beginning...

Never mind what

your lousy mother
said.

Go after her.

Go after her?

I never wanna see her again
as long as I live.

Do you realize
the position

you're putting
this country in,

you idiot?

You should have seen
some of the things she did.

And heard some of
the things she wanted to do.

Do you think those
poor, half-crazed mutts

stumbling around
on the moon

care what your wife did

on your piddling
little honeymoon?

They are due to be
relieved in 6 days,

and I will not
be responsible

if they have to wait
a moment longer.

Well, I certainly can see
your predicament, sir...

This isn't
a predicament!

This is a national
disaster, you bungler!

We haven't another

trained married couple
available!

Well, uh, mother had
an awfully good suggestion

when I...

Get out!

Take your mother and...

Get out.

Yes, sir.

Sir...

Aah! Get out!

Well...

What do we do now?

My neck is out
10 miles on this thing.

Maybe we should've listened

to that advice
of his mother's, sir.

Don't you try and
be funny, Ponsonby.

On the top of everything
that's happened,

don't you try
and be funny.

Well?

Who's next
on the list to go?

Who's Robertson’s
backup?

Mattemore.

Who?

Mattemore.

Peter Mattemore.

Is he still around?

Yes, sir.

And he's next in line?

Well,

where is he?

Well, he's at
the centrifuge today.

Well, get him
out of there.

Yes, sir.

Uh, the button, sir, please.

Get him into my office
right away!

Yes, sir.

Pull yourself together,
Mattemore.

Oh, Mattemore, this way.

Hello?

Hello. Mr. Quonset?

Hello?

Hello?

Late.

What's going on?

I don't know, I...

I got him out
of the centrifuge,

and... and there it was.

Does that thing

always affect
you like this?

No.

O-only when it turns.

Only... when it...

Well, the way rumors
fly around here,

no doubt you heard
the bad news.

Oh. Oh, you mean
about the couple

not going to the moon?

Oh, y-yes, sir.
I did heard.

And since you're
the backup man,

you know that
you're next

to leave for the moon
on Thursday.

Me?!

Yes, you, Mattemore.
And this time,

you are not going
to weasel out of it.

Oh, well... well,

I never weaseled out
of it, sir...

Mattemore, you've
been in training now

for 11 years.

Each time your name

came up to the top
of the list,

you have done everything

short of turning
yourself inside out

to keep yourself
from going.

Well, I wouldn't exactly...

Meanwhile, Mattemore,

you have been using
your position

as a weathernaut
to cash in

on the women's club
lecture circuit.

Well, I wouldn't
exactly say cash in.

I made a couple...

Well, that's all behind
you now, Mattemore.

But... don't you want me
to light this for you, sir?

I don't smoke.

Oh. Well,
I think that, uh...

You're going
to the moon in 3 days.

Well, well, sir, please,

if I may just point out,
you know,

I am the oldest
weathernaut here now.

You were the oldest
weathernaut

when you started
your training.

Oh, yes, so I was.

But, well, you see,

I had plans for the weekend,

and I don't know what
to do about them.

I was going paddle boarding
at lake Okefenokee

with Stella
Mary Oglemeyer...

Here, I'll tell you what
it does to your plans.

Cancels them.

Cancels Stella
Mary Oglemeyer?

Why, we're as good
as engaged, sir!

You're leaving
for the moon, Mattemore.

And that's that.

Stella Mary Oglemeyer?

Yes, sir.

Mattemore, how many
girls do you know

who have the necessary
space training

and a graduate degree

in geology and astronomy?

Oh, well, the only
girls I know, sir,

didn't even finish
high school. Why?

You have exactly 3 days,
Mattemore,

to find a girl with
those qualifications

and marry her.

3 days?

3 days.

3 days.

Sir, I don't believe
there are 10 girls

in the entire world

that meet those
qualifications.

It so happens that
we have 3 of them

at the space agency
right now.

Ponsonby has done
a rundown on them,

haven't you, Ponsonby?

Yes, sir.

Right here, sir. I've...

I'd like
to see that.

Here we are.

Here are some of
the pictures of them

I managed to get hold of.

Yes.

This is Mary Jane Saunders.

Hey, she's
not bad.

Unfortunately,
she's already married.

Miss Esther Davenport,

34, unmarried.

Figures.

She's qualified
in every way.

Could we go on?

What's the matter
with her?

Oh, nothing at all.

At least,
nothing that I know of.

Eileen Forbes.
It is between this one,

and number 2.

Well, let's just
say this one.

Get onto this
right away.

I want miss Forbes
in my office at 4:30.

Yes, sir.

I don't know
anything

about her really.

Well, what
is there to know?

She's a girl,
and you picked her out,

didn't you?

Uh, yes, sir, I did.

But, uh, what I mean is,

that is, uh...

I don't know
that she'd like me.

Well, you've got 3 days
to make her change her mind.

That shouldn't be a problem

for a man
with your reputation.

Reputation?

What reputation?

Don't be coy, Mattemore.

You have a rotten
reputation with women.

Everyone on the base
is always saying

what a rotten reputation
you have.

Well, that
might be so, sir,

but in actuality...

The country is depending
on you, Mattemore.

Well, I mean, what else
can the country do?

We're stuck
with you, aren't we?

Are you sure?

I mean, are you
gentlemen sure

that you have
the right girl?

I don't even
know this man.

I know that, miss Forbes.

But due to the nature
of the emergency...

I'm well aware of

the emergency,
Mr. Quonset.

And as much as
I'd appreciate

the scientific
opportunity involved

in spending a year
on the moon,

the idea of marrying
a complete stranger...

Uh, oh, yes.
I think she's right, sir.

I mean, it's
the marriage business

that's
fouling up everything.

I mean, miss Forbes and I
are just scientists

off for a year's
scientific expedition.

And why clutter it with
a lot of marriage talk?

That's not
exactly

what I had
in mind either.

Mattemore!

You seem to forget that
unlike the Russians

we're a very
religious nation.

The country would
never stand for

a lot unlicensed,
slap and grapple

smackey-mouth
on the moon.

It is not
the idea

of marriage
I object to.

Oh, good.

It is the idea

of being
forced into it

with someone
I don't even know!

It's a little cut
and dried for me.

As if I'd been
selected from

a picture in some
breeders' guide.

By the way,

how did I happen
to be chosen?

Oh, well, I, uh,

I just happened to see
your picture and I...

You know,
from that moment on,

he was a changed man!

He kept running around,
yelling, this is the girl

I've been looking for
all my life!

I have to go
to the moon with her!

I just have to!

Isn't that what you were

running around yelling,
Mattemore?

Well, that may not
be exactly...

Those were
your exact words!

I remember them very well.

Yes, they were...
My words.

This is really
very flattering,

gentlemen,
but, uh,

when
the magic moment

finally comes,
for me,

it'll be
with a man

I've fallen
in love with.

Yes, but we haven't time
for all that nonsense.

You see, the moon is in
exactly the right position

3 days from now.

And lift-off
is scheduled

for precisely
0500 hours

that morning.

I, on the other hand,

will not be in exactly
the right position

at 0500 hours
that morning.

If only I could get
across to you

how desperate this
emergency really is.

Ponsonby!

I'm... sorry...

Ponsonby!

Ponsonby...

Sorry, sir. The lamp.

Oh, never mind the lamp.

Let me know as soon
as we start getting

our afternoon weather
reports from the moon.

We're getting them
right now, sir.

Fine.

I wouldn't advise
that, sir.

That's all right,
Ponsonby.

But things
have deteriorated

even since yesterday.

I said, that was
all right, Ponsonby.

Uhh... I had about
enough of this, Hoffman.

Shut up!
I'm warning you!

Shut up!

Schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp!

This is Mr. Quonset
from cape Kennedy.

You dope, Quonset.

Shut up!

Just keep your big,
fat, ugly mouth shut!

Blah! Uh!

I can't take it anymore.

I've been telling
you for weeks.

I-I can't stand it anymore!

Easy, boy, there.

Hour after hour,

day after day,
week after week.

Pull yourself
together, man!

What happened
to your teeth?

What do you think
happened to 'em?

Schmidlapp
knocked 'em out.

I-I said,
good morning to him,

and he knocked
my teeth out.

Where is he now?

Right where
he always is.

He's sitting over there,
staring at me.

I can't stand
his horrible

dead eyes any longer.

Now listen to me.
Never mind about Schmidlapp.

You're due to be
relieved in a few days.

I'll never last
that long.

Sad, isn't it?

And those horrible,
burning eyes of his.

Hang on, man! Hang on!

It's nearly over now.

I don't think this is fair,
Mr. Quonset.

You're trying
to make this all seem

as if it were my personal
responsibility.

Well, isn't it,
in a way?

No! You picked my picture
out of some file

and all of a sudden
I'm responsible

for the whole moon project.

Even if Mr. Mattemore's
sanity is at stake,

I resent being asked
to go up there

for the sole purpose
of his masculine needs.

That's not true.

You're being
sent up there

as part of
a scientific team.

Scientific team. Ha!

The only reason I'm being
asked to go up there

is because I happen
to be built

a little differently
than Mr. Mattemore.

It works better that way.

Any girl would
serve the purpose.

Hold it a minute.

I haven't had a chance
to say 2 words.

Now how do you know
you wouldn't like me

if you got to know me
a little better?

I didn't say
I didn't like you.

And how can you expect
anything to happen

in a barren, cold office
in broad daylight?

I think we should have
dinner together tonight.

I don't see any reason...

Miss Forbes,
I am not suggesting

any wild weekend
in the mountains.

I am only saying that

we should have
dinner together.

All right,
Mr. Mattemore.

We'll have dinner.

I don't see how it's
gonna help anything,

but if it'll
make you happy.

Shall we say about 9:00?

9:00 is fine.

Fine.

You're dead, Mattemore.

You haven't got
a chance with her.

How do you know?

I could tell the moment
she walked in.

She can't stand
the sight of you.

Since when are you
such an expert, sir?

These things
are chemical.

I happen to be rather
sensitive to them.

Believe me, Mattemore,

I could feel
her dislike for you,

even before
you opened your mouth.

I'd just like to know

where you got
that big deal,

rotten reputation
with women from.

I didn't say
I had a big deal,

rotten reputation
with women.

You said I had a big deal,

rotten reputation
with women.

Well, if you
take my advice,

you'll write miss Forbes
off as a dead loss,

and get on the telephone
to that other girl.

What was her name?
Esther Davenport.

Just a minute,
Mr. Quonset,

I've got something
to say about this.

Something,
but not very much.

What's the matter
with miss Davenport?

She fills all
our qualifications.

Maybe so, but she doesn't
fill my qualifications.

Moreover, she doesn't
even fill her own blouse!

Hello, Peter. Uhh!

Oh, hi, fern.

Hey! I thought you were
supposed to have a date

with Stella Mary tonight.

No, I don't have a date
with Stella Mary.

I have a date with that
young lady right there.

Well, Stella Mary
doesn't know about...

Look, knock it off,
fern.

Just park the car,
honey.

Hello, Ruby Pearl.

Hi, I thought
you had a date

with Stella Mary tonight.

Cool it, cool it.

Just check the hat,
and cool it.

Here we go, dear.

Bon soir,
monsieur Mattemore.

Bon soir, mademoiselle.

Breckinridge,
how are you?

Ha ha, monsieur Mattemore,

I wonder if I could speak
to you for just a moment?

Well, yes, of course.

Pardon, mademoiselle.

Excuse us a moment.

Say, Pete, there has
been a mistake made.

A mistake? What mistake?

Well, we have you down
here for a special table,

French champagne,
Russian caviar,

an orchid on the table,

violinists at
the appropriate time...

Yeah, that's
what I want.

You? You never
spent over $1.35

on a girl before
in your life.

Well, I'm gonna
spend more tonight.

I'm sorry, dear.

There was a little
problem with the table.

Well,
mademoiselle, monsieur.

Hey, I thought you
had a date with...

You thought,
but I don't.

Well, she thinks
you do.

Shh! Yeah, well, I don't
care what she thinks,

I don't.

Excuse me.

Well,
Mr. Mattemore,

nothing that could
turn a girl's head

seems to be
overlooked.

Well, I-i-i didn't want
for it to appear

to be prearranged,
it's just that you want...

Oh, don't apologize.

I know with the limited
time schedule you have,

you have to plan
everything right down

to the last second.

I knew you'd appreciate that.

Now, what's the exact
time we have set aside

for our first tremulous
kiss?

You gonna make this
your life's work?

Oh, pardon,
monsieur.

Would you mind pouring
the champagne, please?

Oh, I'm sorry...

I mean, I... I'm certain
you would like to know

what will, in the end
result, prevail between

the lady and I, but
I haven't found out yet,

so, as soon as I know,
I'll let you know.

Pardon moi.

That's perfectly
all right.

Merci.
Thank you.

Ahem... sorry. Um...

Oh, yes, I was going
to say that, uh...

Uh... I realize
this afternoon,

you were terribly upset
at the fact that we really

didn't know each other
very well.

Mm-hmm?

Well, I, uh, took it
upon myself to, uh,

get this biography
that I made out

when I joined the service.

It's a standard form.

And I think it'll
save some time.

I suppose you've filled
one out, too.

Yes.

I just didn't
happen to think

to bring it
along with me.

Hmm. Very
interesting.

Name, address,
age, weight.

Uh, I might add,
this was made out

11 years ago. I grew
an inch taller since then.

Well, it's
all there.

Yeah, well... not all,
of course.

Oh, everything a
girl contemplating

marriage should
know, though.

Except about that
seedy reputation

you seem to have.

Seedy reputation?
What seedy reputa...

Have you been talking
to Quonset?

Yes. He called me
this afternoon,

and he put in what
he obviously thought

was a plug for you.

Well, why doesn't he keep

his weather forecasting nose
out of my business?

This whole thing
is all wrong.

I-I think we should
start all over again.

I mean, from the beginning.

Don't you?

All right. Right
from the beginning.

Okay.

Are there any questions
you want to ask about me?

Mm-hmm. Just one.

What's that?

Who is Stella Mary?

St...

If, uh...

If I'm not mistaken,

Th-that's, uh,

Stella Mary, right there.

Uh, hi, Stella.

Why, you miserable,

no good, date-breakin',
two-timin' pipsqueak!

Good morning.
Good morning.

Mr. Quonset's
talking to the moon,

but you can go
right in.

Thank you.

Schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp.

He's a stubborn one.

Schmidlapp, I want you
to do something for me.

I want you to get up
and go across the room

and untie Hoffman.

Schmidlapp, you shouldn't
tie Hoffman up like that.

Why don't you go
take a flyin'...

Now, listen to me,
Schmidlapp.

I've been
very patient with you.

I never said anything

about that
disgraceful business

of your attacking
that Russian girl.

That could very easily
have got us

into a very difficult
situation,

but I never
said a thing.

But there is one thing

I am not going
to stand for, Schmidlapp,

and that is the way

you tie up Hoffman
all the time.

Do you hear me,
Schmidlapp?

Yeah, I hear you.

Like I said before,

Why don't you go take a...

Schmidlapp, I don't have
to listen to talk like that.

You think just because you're
way up there on the moon,

I don't have anything
I can threaten you with.

Schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp.

Trouble is...

That way up there
on the moon,

I don't have anything
I can threaten him with.

Well?

I hear you struck out
again last night.

How do you know?

I make it my business
to know these things.

She walked out on you
in the restaurant,

and later, when you went
up to her apartment,

she wouldn't let you in.

Well, there was

just a chain
of unfortunate circumstances...

Oh, knock it off,
Mattemore.

You're dead with that girl
and you know it.

She hates your guts.

Let me know when miss
Davenport gets here,

will you?

Woman, on phone:
Oh, she's here now, sir.

She is?

Oh, well, send her in.

Miss who?

Now, don't start that.

You haven't got
any more time.

Let's just pray

you do a little bit better
with miss Davenport

than you did
with miss Forbes.

I don't know what
the weather bureau's doing

in this business of finding
girls for you, anyway.

Well, it certainly
wasn't my ID...

Ahh!

Miss Davenport,
good morning.

May I introduce

the charming and attractive
Mr. Mattemore,

who, as I told you
on the telephone,

has been so anxious
to meet you.

Miss Davenport,
m-Mr. Mattemore.

How do you do? Oh!

Won't you
sit down?

Thank you.

Well...

Shall we get
right down to it?

I've been briefed
on the whole situation

and I understand
all of the ramifications.

Let me say
right here and now,

that I'm ready to go.

Good girl.

Mattemore.
Yes, sir?

When is the marriage
to be scheduled?

Will I have
a chance to visit

my family in San Diego?

It doesn't matter.
I won't insist.

Fine! Isn't everything
fine, Mattemore?

Why, yes,
as a matter of fact...

No! Everything is not fine!

Miss Davenport and I hardly
even know each other!

Know each other?

What has that got to do
with anything?

Well, it's got everything
to do with everything!

I mean, we... we're
talking about something

we're gonna
have to live with

for the rest
of our lives!

What we're talking about,
Mr. Mattemore,

is the greatest
scientific opportunity

that 2 people
have ever been given.

And when you
get right down to it,

what is marriage, anyhow?

1/2 hour a day,
at most.

1/2 hour?

Is that too much time
or too little?

Every day?

I mean...

What I mean is,

what about the spiritual
aspect of marriage?

For Pete's sake,
Mattemore,

you sound like
a 16-year-old girl.

All I'm trying
to say, Mr. Quonset...

Mattemore,
the important thing

is that
miss Davenport

is ready and willing

to go to the moon
with you on Thursday.

You don't run across
a girl like that

every day.

I understand that, sir,

but I'm merely trying to...

Mattemore, forget
this spiritual business.

Mrs. Quonset and I
have been married

for 23 years,

and during the whole
of that time

we have never...

I repeat, never...

Had a single solitary
spiritual moment

between us.

I'm afraid we're
wasting time, gentlemen.

I'll be expecting

to hear from your office,
Mr. Quonset.

It's gonna be
a great adventure,

Mr. Mattemore.

Well...

The greatest adventure
that a man and woman

ever embarked on.

Oh!

Now, that's what I call
a most unusual girl.

Yeah, I would call
her that, too.

Well, it's true
she's not the sort of girl

you'd fall in love with
at first sight.

At first sight?!

But I'll tell you
what she is, Mattemore.

She's qualified,

she's available
for the trip Thursday,

and she's a girl.

Is that a wild guess,
Mr. Quonset,

or do you know something
I don't?

Mattemore,
why don't you

try and look
on the bright side.

This wedding
is going to be

one of the biggest
things in years.

You'll have
television coverage,

newsreels,
and who knows?

You may even get
a telephone call

from the president of
the United States himself.

Mr. Quonset,

if you could just forget
your position

for just a moment

and level with me,

would you marry
a girl like that?

Mattemore.

I did.

I did marry a girl
like that.

You did marry a... oh!

Hi.

Well, hello.

I, uh, had
no place to go,

so I thought I'd
come over here.

Now, that's not
the most flattering thing

I've ever heard,

but I'll skip it
for the moment.

Would you like
to come in?

Yeah, thank you.

I didn't mean it
to be unflattering.

Well, here's to your
last night on earth.

I mean, for a year.

That's better.

You know, it still
seems incredible to me

that in
a very few hours,

you'll be up there...

Looking down at us here.

Yeah, and wondering
what you'll be doing.

Oh, I won't be
doing a thing,

except maybe
kicking myself

for not going along.

Well, you know,
it's still not too late.

I know,
Peter, but...

I...

If you feel too strongly
about it, naturally...

I do feel
strongly about it.

I've been
dying to go

ever since
the first minute

we talked about it.

One of the troubles
with life, Peter,

is that you're stuck
with the way

you're brought up.

You're taught to look
at things a certain way,

and no matter
what happens,

that's the way
you see it.

You know, I almost
called you the other night.

You did?

Yeah. I had an idea.

But I... I know
it couldn't work.

Well, what was it?

I mean...

Well, it really
doesn't matter

'cause it's
not gonna work.

Well, I'd like to know,

just as a matter
of conversation.

Well, I was
just thinking.

Why couldn't we
go ahead

with
the wedding ceremony

and sort of have a
marriage in name only?

You mean like
and never consummate it?

Yeah.

Well, I don't really believe
that's what they had in mind

when they began
this experiment.

Yeah, it wouldn't
work, would it?

Ha ha!

Well, I could be crazier
than Schmidlapp in 2 days.

I just thought

2 intelligent
adult people,

well, surely they could
trust themselves.

Oh, oh,
I trust you completely.

It's... I would...

It is a shame, though.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is.
It really is a shame.

Well, I, uh...

I guess
I better get going.

Yeah.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Uh, Eileen...

Yes?

I was wondering,

would it be all right
if I kissed you good-bye?

You're still going
a long way.

Good-bye.

Ahh!

I surrender
unconditionally.

I'll do anything you say,

but, please,
don't let me go up there

with Esther Davenport.

Oh, Peter, I...

I know I'll probably
go out of my mind,

but I would much prefer
going crazy with you

than with anybody else
I know.

Hadn't you better
think it over?

You know,
you said yourself...

I... I did think it over,
and forget what I said.

I mean, you just
make the conditions

and I agree to them.

What do you say?

Well, if you're sure...

Oh, yes, I'm sure.
I'm positive. Okay?

Okay.

All right.

Would you mind if I
kissed you good-bye again?

You don't have to.

I'm going with you.

Oh, yeah.

I'll see you.

Okay.

Hey, what do you think?

I'm on my way.

Hey, Mr. Mattemore,

one more, please.

Thank you.

Do you know
what the time is?

Where in the devil
have you been?

Well, they were just...

There's no time
for explanations.

Come along, please.

Get on with it.

Please, hurry.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered...

Yes, we only have
a minute and a half

before liftoff,
we shall have to do this

in the elevator
on the way up.

Please...

Come along.

That's all I'm afraid.

Mattemore, not you!

Well, what are we
waiting for now?

Oh, yes.

Dearly beloved,
we are...

You're never going
to make it

with all that in there.

Just cut to the point

where everybody agrees
to take everybody.

Oh, yes.

Do you, Peter Mattemore,
take Eileen Forbes

to be your lawful
wedded wife?

I do.

I left out
to love and to Cherish

till death do us part.

That's the loveliest
part of the ceremony.

Good. I hate that part.

Congratulations.

I haven't asked her
if she takes him yet.

Don't worry about it,
she does. Ha.

Won't be legal,
if I don't ask her.

Well, for heaven's sake,
ask her.

We're nearly at the top.

Thank you.

Uh, dearly beloved...

Yeah, you've said that
already.

I did?
Yes.

Oh. Oh, Eileen Forbes,

do you take
Peter Mattemore

to be your lawful
wedded husband?

I do.

Good. Congratulations.

Haven't pronounced them
man and wife yet.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
pronounce them.

We only have
45 seconds left.

Thank you.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Good!

Everybody out.

A word of advice
to the newlyweds...

Later, later.

This is deuce Hawkins,

your space pilot
on your trip to the moon.

Mrs. Mattemore.

Hello.
How do you do?

Will you, please,
step in?

Bye.
Bye.

Bye.
Right here.

This is Mr. Mattemore.

How do you do?

How do you do?
I take it

you've made this trip
before, Mr. Hawkins?

Well, not recently.

I've been laid off
for the last 2 years.

Ahh!

Why?

Why what?

I mean, why has
he been laid off?

Drinking. We don't
bring it up.

He's very sensitive
about it.

Oh!

He's sensitive about...

He's Dr... Drink...

Oh!

Man, on loudspeaker:
30 seconds.

20 seconds.

Peter, hold this
for a second.

Yeah.

Here we go.

15 seconds.

10, 9, 8...

7, 6, 5...

4, 3, 2...

1, 0.

They're going to be here
any minute now.

The least you could do
is to help me

clean up the place
a little bit.

Look at you,
gravy all over you.

Just look at this place,
it's a filthy pig sty.

Schmidlapp!

Do you realize
this computer

has been gummed up
for a week

from those lousy, Mexican
refried beans of yours?

Maybe it's all right
for us

to live like swine,
Schmidlapp,

but Mattemore is
bringing up a wife.

This morning,
when I unbolted our bunks

from the wall

to make
a double bed for them,

what do you think
I found in your blankets?

23-week-old
chicken enchiladas.

Uh-huh. Mmm.

Is that anything
for a brand-new bride

to find
in her wedding bed?

Do you hear me,
Schmidlapp?

Do you ever listen
to anything I say?

Luna III,

calling moon station.

Luna III, calling
moon station.

This is United States,
moon station.

Is that you, Mattemore?

Mattemore
yes, this is me.

Is that you,
Hoffman?

Yes, this is me.

It's Mattemore!

Oh, I've never been
so glad

to hear from anybody
in my life.

Well,
it's nice to hear

from you, too,
Hoffman.

We're in lunar orbit

and we just fired
our retro rockets,

and we should
be there

in a few minutes.

Ooh, I wish
you'd given us

more notice, Mattemore.

Haven't even had
a chance to shave yet.

Well,
it's too late now.

We've already gotten
into our space suits

and we're coming in.

See you in a couple
of minutes.

This is
Luna III out.

All right.

All right,
you heard him.

We don't even
have time to shave.

But one thing we are
going to do, Schmidlapp.

We're going to get all
those filthy drawings

of yours down
off the walls.

How do you think a young
girl's going to react

when she walks in here
and finds these

lewd, fowl things of yours
all over the place?

These filthy things
have got to come down!

Oh, Schmidlapp,

aren't you
ashamed of yourself?

Blah!

Do you realize
what you smell like

after all this time,
Schmidlapp?

No.

You are a slob!

A dirty, filthy,
no good slob!

Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome to the moon.

I'm Hoffman.

Uh, Mattemore.

And this is, uh,
Mrs. Mattemore.

I want to walk
with her.

Aah!

Well, look, Mattemore,

I think we better get
Mrs. Mattemore in between us

and keep her there until we
get inside the moon station.

Why?

Well, uh, she...

I want to walk with her.

Never mind. Just grab one
arm, I'll grab the other.

I want to walk
with her!

And then don't let loose,
whatever you do.

I'm going to walk
with her.

Schmidlapp!

I want to walk
with her.

Let me walk with her
a little.

All right, please,
let me walk with her.

Just keep your distance,
Schmidlapp.

Remember, there are 2 of us
now and you're outnumbered.

Let me hold her hand.

A little something.

I'm going to have
to apologize

for the way this place
looks, Mattemore,

but, well, you know how
it is when you're baching.

Yeah.

Oh, it's been a mess

trying to keep any kind
of order up here at all.

And that one,
he couldn't care less

if the grime was
3 feet thick.

You better put
those boots on.

What for?

Well, they're
a special boot

designed to take care
of the low gravity up here.

If you don't
put them on...

Sail around
all over the room

every time
you take a step.

What's she doing
in there?

That's none
of your business.

Mattemore doesn't
want you to know

what his wife
is doing in there.

Why?

What is she doing?

She's not doing anything,

is she, Mattemore?

Huh?

Oh, no. That is,
I don't think so.

There, you see. So just
quit using that

awful, filthy,
imagination of yours

and get a hold
of yourself.

Is she taking
a shower?

Why? What's it to you?

Is she?

You... oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, I think,

for the sake
of everyone concerned,

that we'd better lift off
just as soon as possible.

I'll go over
everything with you.

And then we'll get
out of here.

Maybe she's
taking a bath...

Without anything on.

How dare you!

To say a thing like that
with her husband

sitting right in
the same room with ya.

I... I'm surprised
that Mattemore

doesn't horsewhip ya.

Yeah.
Hmph.

Of course, if...
If she is taking a bath,

it... heh... naturally it'd be
without anything on.

I mean... heh,
it just stands to reason.

Doesn't it?

What stands to reason?

That she'd be doing it
without anything on.

Well, people have been
known to...

Well, how would I know?!

How would you know?

Don't you ever look?

Well...

Don't you even...
even care?

Well, sure...
Whoo!

I would.

You seem to forget
that we were married

only minutes
before the lift-off.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I forgot.

But even so,
I just naturally assumed...

You assume what?

Oh, really, Mattemore.

Even if you two had jumped
the gun a little bit,

this isn't 1960 is it?

Maybe she's
one of those girls

who soaps herself all over.

And then gets
into the tub.

Well, uh...

Oh, shut up!

Well, I didn't
mean anything...

Oh...

Oh, you're talking
to him.

Well, I'm terribly sorry
I took so long.

Ohh...

You know, I know this is going
to sound very silly to you,

but I usually
soap myself all over

before I get into the tub.

Honey, you don't have
to make any explanation.

We... we were talking
about... a man's wife...

No, Schmid...
No, Schmidlapp!

That's my wife!

That's all right, I'll take
care of Schmidlapp!

You better take care
of him, because...

Schmidlapp!

Schmidlapp!

Schmidlapp!

All right, Mattemore,

if you care anything
about that girl at all,

protect her!

Schmidlapp,

just, uh, hold it there
for a few...

Whoa!

Mm... mm.

Aah! She took a shower!

You better stop!

Whoa! Whoa!

A shower! Oh, listen,
what are you doing?

Oh, boy, this is...

Oh, shut up,
Schmidlapp!

Let me go, I just
wanted to talk to her.

I'm warning you for
the last time, shut up!

I'll think of something.
I'll get you for this.

Oh, you... ha ha ha!

When you do untie him?

When I rendezvous with
deuce in the main ship

and get some help.

Nothing's gonna help you,
Hoffman!

You no good...

What happens
when Schmidlapp gets back

and there's girls
all over the place?

Oh, I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

If I just get him to go
back to divinity school.

Well, well...

Hold on to him,
Mattemore.

You all right, Schmid?
Schmidlapp!

All right, bring him up,
Mattemore.

Right. You okay, Schmidy?

Let me give you a hand,
Schmidlapp.

Up you go.

That's it.

In you go, Schmidlapp.

Watch it.

I've got him,
Mattemore!

Take care, Hoffman.
Good luck.

Good luck, Mattemore.

So long.

Well, there they go.

Yeah, and, uh...

We're all alone
up here now.

Tired?

Yeah, kinda.
Can't remember

the last time
we had any sleep.

Well, uh, it was
72 hours ago.

Heh, it would be
a good idea

to go to bed,
don't you think?

Oh! Now wait a minute!

What do you
mean by that?

Nothing... except
what I said.

It would be a good idea
to go to sleep.

After 72 hours,
you're sleepy,

and the best thing
for that is... getting some.

Oh.

Yeah. I'm sorry,
Peter.

I don't know what's
the matter with me.

You know, it's not

the things
you say so much,

it's... sometimes
you have

a very peculiar way
of saying them.

Eileen, what's so peculiar

about after 72 hours
without any sleep

to want to go to bed
and get some?

All right, I said
I was sorry, didn't I?

I'm getting
undressed!

Mmm.

Hey, do you mind?!

Hey, I just wanna
brush my teeth!

Oh, I'll bet!

Well, if that sounds
overly sexy,

than I'm dead every time
I ask for a drink of water

or the time of day.

Listen, Mr...
Mattemore!

I know your name!

Well, then use it!

Listen, Mr. Mattemore,
I don't happen

to think anything
you do or say

is particularly
sexy.

Now, what do you think
about that? Ha!

Yeah, well, you know

what the trouble
with you is, honey?

No, honey, what's
the trouble with me?

You're always
ready to say no

before anybody asks you!

Ahh!

Oh, is that
the trouble with me,

huh, honey?

Imagine that!

Imagine that!

Oh, is that the trouble
with me? Imagine that!

Oh, is that the trouble
with me?

Yeah, that's
the trouble with you!

Before anybody asks ya!

On my honeymoon.
Newlywed.

Incidentally,
I'm curious to know

just exactly
what your stand

on civil rights
really is,

Senator Astongrapple.

Well, you know very well
what my stand

on civil rights is, sir.

I'm for civil rights.

I've always been
for civil rights.

It's just that we don't
like to be rushed

and hurried into
these things.

All we're asking for is
just a little bit of time!

I'm sorry, senator,

your time
has run out.

Next week on
Washington interview,

elder statesman
Richard M. Nixon

will come
out of retirement

to answer questions
on what can be done

to reunite the
republican party.

Thank you very much,
senator Pappenapple.

Astongrapple.

I.J. Astongrapple.

Sorry about that.

Do you... ooh!
Was it you?

No! I thought
it was you!

No. Maybe it's
coming from there.

I don't think so.

I think it's
out there.

I thought it was
coming from there.

That's why I...

Go see what it is.

Yeah, I'm gonna find out,

because when I heard
the knock, uh...

Come on, Peter.

All right, Eileen,
don't push.

You know, you're
supposed to be the man

on this expedition!

I am the man!
Just relax and go...

See what it is!

All right, stop being
so nervous!

Relax!

Relax?!

What is it?

It's a figure
in a space suit.

Well, what's it
doing?

It's waving and knocking.

What does it want?

It wants to come in!

Yeah?

Well, let's let it in.

Okay.

No!
What?

It's Schmidlapp.

He's killed Hoffman,
and he's back!

No, I don't think so.

It's too big.

Yeah?

We better let it in
and see.

Okay.

Push the button,
Peter.

Well, you get me so nervous,
I don't know what to do.

Is it in?

Not yet.

Now it's in.
Oh!

Give me your gun.

I don't have a gun!

That makes 2 of us.

Get something
to protect us in case.

Yeah? What...

Find something.

Hey, Peter. Is this okay?

Fine.

Peter, would you...

All right, now,
just relax!

My hero husband!

All right. Hmm.

Just cool it.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Anna Soblova.
And you?

Peter Mattemore.

Peter.

Uh-huh.

Peter!

Uh-huh.

Peter!

That's my wife.

I'm his wife,
Mrs. Mattemore.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm Anna Soblova.

Yes, we know.

The Russian
cosmonaut.

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

From a little town
outside of Moscow.

Hmm.

Oh, how nice.

Say, wouldn't you
like to sit down?

Yeah.

Right over here.

Thank you.
I came right over

as soon I saw those
other two leaving.

Oh, you must be
the girl

that Schmidlapp
attacked last week.

Oh, yes, he was always
attacking me.

I came over for a cup
of coffee, attack.

I go outside
for a few minutes,

another attack.

Oh, you don't how wonderful
it's going to be

to have another girl
up here

to kind of...
Share the load? Ha ha.

Ha!

I came over
to get acquainted

and also to ask
a little favor.

What are neighbors for?

I wondered if you'd mind
if I spent the night here?

Spend the night?

Well, yes, you see,
Igor and I

had a little fight,

and I'd like to teach him
a lesson.

Igor just can't stand
to sleep alone at night.

He's going to go crazy!
Ha ha ha!

I see.

Igor's like a bull.

He's bad enough during
the 14 days of daylight,

but now, at the beginning
of 14 days of nights...

I see.

Naturally, we're
looking forward

to meeting your
husband, aren't we?

Oh, that's what
neighbors are for.

Who?

Your husband.

Oh, you must mean Igor.

He's not my husband.

He's just a man
they sent me up here with.

Oh, I see.

Ha, we hardly
knew each other

till the day we got here.

But fortunately, Igor is
very easy to know.

Ha ha.

It must seem rather strange
for you Americans.

I mean, uh, Igor and I
not being married.

Uh, strange?
No, on the contrary.

I think it's very
sophisticated.

Don't you think it's
sophisticated, Eileen?

Yes, it's very
sophisticated.

She thinks it's
sophisticated, too.

Well, I guess it's
the way you were brought up.

Ha ha. My mother was
never married, you know.

She wasn't?

No, but my father was.

Oh.

But not to my mother.

Well, that's what
neighbors are for.

See, the mother
and the father,

except that they...

I hope you don't think
I'm rude or anything,

but, you know, we
haven't had any sleep

for about 3 days now,

and we were just
about to go to bed

when you came.

Oh, that's all right.
You go right ahead.

Um, okay. Well,
uh, I guess

you can sleep
in there with me.

Sleep with you?
On your honeymoon?

Oh, I would never think
of a thing like that.

I'm glad you didn't...

I bet you wouldn't
do that.

You can bet I wouldn't.

I... well, I mean...

Igor and I would never
hear of such nonsense.

Well, don't give me
another thought.

I sleep right here
on the couch.

You see, I even brought
my nightie.

Here, you like it?

You got this
in Moscow?

Igor did.
He got me 6.

I had a hunch
Igor had something to do

with buying that.
Ha ha ha.

Well...

I'll get you the
blankets and pillow.

By the way,

how many blankets would
you like, one or two?

Oh, just a pillow, please.

Uh, so your, uh...

Your father and mother
were not married?

Peter?

Well, uh...

Here's your pillow.

Thank you.

Isn't that comfy?

Oh, very.

Good night.

Good night.

Coming, Peter?

Oh, yes.

If there's anything,
anything at all

you might want...

Peter!

I'll be right here.

Just don't
hesitate to call.

As I said, if there's
anything at all...

Will you close the door?

Yeah, all right.

Both of them!

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's just like
Mr. Quonset said it would be.

Just 2 scientists off on
a scientific expedition, huh?

Well, this is
the nuttiest expedition

I've ever been on
in my life.

240,000 miles away
from any place, anywhere.

And what do we have
the first night?

Company. Hmm.

Well, come on, Peter,
come to bed.

Come to bed?

Sure. Why fight it?

I have a feeling
that destiny

has been conspiring
against me for ages.

Peter! Take
your shoes off!

Yeah, I did forget.

All right. I'll get
in bed, Eileen,

but I haven't forgotten
that I made a deal with you.

I mean, that I gave you
my word. I promised.

We have an agreement,

so I'm gonna sleep
in between the blankets.

I'm not getting
under the sheets.

Because when I give
my word, that's it.

A promise is a promise.

I like to keep my word
when I... give it to somebody,

and... you know, that way,
you have a reputation

of being honorable.

Well, now,
you don't think

that's gonna work,
do you?

No, sir.

This whole thing
has been preordained!

From the very
first minute

in the early 1920's,

when professor Goddard
started experimenting

with those
little tiny rockets,

way out there in
the new Mexico desert,

he was already
setting in motion

the events that are
about to take place

in this particular bed

on this
particular night.

So what's the use
of anything, Peter?

After all, this is only
the first night.

I still have
364 more to go.

One puny little girl

against the entire
universe?

What I'm really
trying to say is...

Go ahead, Peter.

Take me. I'm yours.

Peter!

Oh!

What's a matter?

It's your crazy
Russian girlfriend.

Huh?

Come in.

Come in?

Guess who's here!

Uh, the Moiseyev
dancers.

No, it's Igor.

I knew he couldn't stand it
without me.

I can understand it.

You two might as well get up,
because I know Igor,

and I know exactly what
he's going to want to do.

What is...

Igor going
to want to do?

Oh, he wants to have a very
old-fashioned Russian party.

So hurry up now.

Ooh.

Do you know that if
somebody said to me,

"hey, you're going
to the moon,

"and when you
get there,

you can have
anything you wish."

You know
what I'd wish for?

Yeah. A good old-fashioned
Russian party.

You're right.

Well, thank heavens
I had a night's sleep.

After 8 hours, at least
you can go,

you feel like
you got some energy.

A party is good to go to

once you've really rested,
you know?

Mmm.

Peter!

Oh, at least another nap.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, hey, oh, hey!

What are you,
a party pooper?

What are you,
a spoil sport?

No! I'm not
a spoil sport.

I just happen
to like

a little
American music, too.

Oh, I love
American music!

Whoo! Goldie!

Too close.

Not close enough.

Uh, you don't have
to get that close.

Just, uh...
Hey, that's my wife!

Whee! Ha ha ha.

Hello, Peter.

Hello.

That's his own...

It's wonderful.

We'll have to get
a refill.

Yes.

A refill of... Igor?

Yeah?
Igor?

We need...
What?

No more wet.

Don't give it
another thought.

Look, I have capsule.

You hold capsule,
I take bottle.

This will be another
Russian first,

and there's plenty more
where that came from.

Now, I have bottle.
You have capsule.

So, I take capsule.

Now, I have capsule and
I have bottle, huh?

Good. Now,
I need funnel,

so you hold capsule.

I take funnel. I put
funnel in bottle.

I take capsule,
and now I need water.

So you hold bottle,

I take capsule
and water.

But I need bottle.
You hold capsule,

I have bottle.

Now, I put water
in bottle.

You pour capsule. Ahh.

I mix it up,
put more water.

Say the magic words,
hunky, monkey, punky!

Vodka! Ha ha!

Vodka!

No, no, no! Don't drink
vodka with funnel!

What is the matter
with you?

You take the funnel
out of...

You got the funnel,
you funny man!

There. Drink
the vodka, drink it!

Love it, love
the vodka!

Ha ha, another
Russian first!

Drink to love!

Vodka!
Vodka!

Vodka!

Vodka!

What happened
to my vodka?

To your vodka?

Too much vodka!

Give me back my vodka.

My capsule. Your
capsule, right there.

Capsule. I have vodka
for anushka!

Give me your glass,
my darling.

Vodka. More vodka!

Ah, 2 words,
my darling.

Ahh.

Anushka,

you're crying. Why?

Why are you crying?

I'd just like to once...

What's that, dear,
what's that?

He got married to her.

Why can't you marry me?

Because...

Anushka, because we are
so happy this way.

Why take a chance?
Look at you.

You are so young
and so beautiful!

I am so young
and so beautiful.

Why... why should we
take a chance

to spoil
everything, huh?

It's not going
to spoil anything.

I just want
to get married!

But why, my love?
Why, why, why?

Why can't we get married?

Like I said, Anushka,
for 1,000 times,

I have told you,

we are both so young
and so beautiful!

I want to protect you.

It would be indecent
if we got married.

It's not for me,
it's for you. For you!

Because I love you.

You really are sweet, Igor.

That's right.
I am sweet.

And it is for you.

I am not thinking
of myself, my love.

Quiet. Quiet, everybody.

I'll get it.

That must be Quonset
from the home office.

Mattemore, my boy.

Oh, Quonset.

How's everything
on the third planet

from the sun?

Everything's fine
down here.

How are things up there?

Oh, fine, fine.

Everything's just fine.

All right, let's knock off
the pleasantries, Quonset.

Let's get down
to business.

What's on your mind?

You want
a weather report?

Never mind the report.
How is Mrs. Mattemore?

Out cold.

Well, don't wake her.
I'll only be a moment.

I just want to tell you
what a relief it is

to have 2 responsible people
like you and Mrs. Mattemore

up there on the moon.

After that ghastly
year I had

with Schmidlapp and Hoffman.

Oh, yeah, those two
are really a couple of

hairy disaster areas,
weren't they?

Ha!

Well, let's forget
about them.

All right.

I'm planning
on having my first

real night's sleep
for months.

You and Mrs. Mattemore
have my full confidence,

and I want you
to know that...

Yeah, go on, what's
the matter, Quonset?

Where did you say
Mrs. Mattemore was?

Out cold.
Limp as a dead cat.

Well, who was that?

Who was what?

Who was that who just
tip-toed across my screen?

Across your screen?

Somebody dressed
in a fairy's costume

just tip-toed
across my screen!

I'm sorry, I...
There she is again!

That isn't Mrs. Mattemore!

Who isn't
Mrs. Mattemore?

That half-naked fairy
isn't Mrs. Mattemore.

What have you done
with her?

Have you got her
tied up somewhere?

Tied up?
Just as we thought.

We always suspected
you had a little bottle

down in the drawer
of the desk, Quonset.

Been nippin'
a little, baby?

Don't give me that,
Mattemore!

I insist on seeing
your wife!

He wants to see
my wife, Mattemore.

No, I'm Mattemore.

Well, I just
sent for her,

so hold on
to your buttons.

Whoa-oah!

Holy moly!

What is
going on up there?

Oh, nothing, Quonset.

We were just having
a little, uh...

I know what you were
having a little of,

and I don't want
to hear about it.

I don't want
to hear about anything.

All I wanted was one
good night's sleep,

and I'm not gonna let you
spoil that for me, Mattemore.

I'm not gonna think about you
anymore tonight.

I'm going to think about you
in the morning.

I'm going to blot you
right out of my mind.

Hey!

Hey, you got your feet
all over my wife's legs.

A toast... to your
wife's... legs.

Oh, don't waste it, Igor.

I need a good stiff drink.

Every time I talk to Quonset
I get depressed.

I need a drink!

All gone.

What about the vodka?
Igor, you got more vodka...

One more vodka
coming right up! One!

More vodka.

And I know how to fix it.
I remember from last time.

That we... made the vodka.

You need the funnel, and...

Need the funnel.

Whoa-ho. Oh!

Oh!

Ooh.

Yay, Peter!

Peter! Oh, Peter!

My pal, my pal, Peter!

My pal, Peter!

That is the most magnificent
exhibition of drinking

I have ever seen!
One full quart

of 100 proof
Ukrainian vodka!

Muah! Muah!

If you live,

I shall see that you make
the cover of Pravda!

Pravda! I love... muah!

Ha ha!

Oh-ho!

You put your leg

on my wife's leg.

What?

You put your leg
on my wife's leg,

and, uh, we happen to frown
on that in America.

We don't have guys
putting their legs

on our wife's legs.

Hey, pal.

Don't do that.
Don't do that.

There's a lot
of things in America

we frown on
that you Russians do.

Here.

Don't tell me about America.

I was a spy
in the Russian embassy

in Washington for 4 years.
How do you like that?

Ha ha, you admit it!

Ha ha, that's right!
I was a spy!

I was a spy!

Ah, step outside.

What for?

In America, that's
how we settle things.

Okay, pal, we step outside.

Come, we go.

Peter, now listen to me.

I'm coming.

Peter!
Hmm?

What's the matter
with you?

Where are you going?

You've had too much
to drink, you know!

You just mind your business!

One thing I don't like
about wives

is buttin' in to their
husband's business.

Just mind it.
Just... mind it.

Ugh.

Oh-ho.

Hey.

It must be romantic
to have your husband

fight over you.

He must be quite a lot
in love with you.

He's just very much
drunk, that's all.

Whoa!

Ow!

Peter?

Hmm?

Peter?

Huh?

Hi.

Oh.
Here.

Oh, I don't want
to drink anything.

Please, don't give me
nothing to drink.

Where am I?

It's all right, Peter.
You're on the moon.

On the moon?

Uh-huh.

Oh, of course.
On the moon.

That stupid fight.

Is Igor all right?

Yes, he's fine.

Did I hurt him?

No, Peter,
you didn't hurt him.

Oh, where is he?
I'd like to apologize.

He left.

He left? When?

2 days ago.

2 days ago?

Mm-hmm.

I've been lying here
like this for 2 days?

Was it Igor when he...

No, it wasn't Igor.

It was one quart
of 100%, full proof,

instant Ukrainian vodka.
That's what.

Vodka.

You don't know

what a mess it's been
around here!

Everybody's gotten
into the act,

from the president
on down.

The president?

The president,
the vice-president,

even the speaker
of the house.

What about Mr. Quonset?

Ugh. He's been
the worst of all.

He's been on

that television set
constantly.

First, he wanted
to kill you,

and then he was afraid
you were dying.

Oh, well.

There he goes again.

Hmm?

You want me
to get it for you?

Yes, please.

I'm gonna have to face him
sooner or later.

Oh, it's you, Mattemore.

Go ahead, sir,
I've got it coming.

You certainly have,
Mattemore.

Did I miss anything

I should have
been covering?

No, nothing, no.

Just a typhoon in Okinawa,

a hurricane that nearly
wiped out

Florida and the east coast,

and the first blizzard
in the history

of Southern California,
but never mind that.

You in any condition
to take a top-level

emergency call from
General Hallenby

in Washington?

General
howling bull Hallenby?

That's the one, Mattemore.

I'll put you through.

Mattemore.

Uh, yes, sir?

I believe you hold
a reserve commission

in the air force.

Uh, yes, sir.
Second lieutenant, sir.

Second lieutenant?
At your age?

Well, you know, what with

the politics
in the air force...

Heh heh. Well,
never mind about that.

Now, listen,
as of right now,

I'm recalling you
to active duty.

Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, when shall I report?

I mean, where... how will
I report, sir?

Don't ask
idiotic questions, lieutenant.

Just listen to me now.

Uh...

Now, then, Mattemore...

We just issued
an ultimatum

to the Russian government.

It's gonna expire in...
11 minutes.

Right now, the president
is standing by

on a hotline
to the Kremlin.

Uh, why do we issue
an ultimatum, sir?

That's none of your
damn business!

Well, on the other hand,
maybe it is your business.

Seeing as how you'd
probably be the first ones

to get wiped out.

Wiped out?

Well, you're sittin'
right there

in the most strategic spot
in the universe.

Heh heh. If I was
a Russian general,

I wouldn't think twice
about wiping you out.

Now, on the other hand...

On the other hand,
Mattemore,

you two might just be

the only living
survivors left

to carry on
the great American dream.

Think of that, Mattemore.

The only livin' survivors.

However, it's my opinion
you'll get wiped out, though.

Uh, may I respectfully
ask, sir,

the reason for all
this wiping out?

It's come to our attention

that there's recently been
a large undercover movement

of Russian men and supplies
into, uh... to, uh...

What the hell's the name
of that place?

Uh...

Well, never mind what it is.
That's not important.

The important thing is

it's inside our sphere
of influence,

and we've issued
this ultimatum

to the Russian government...
Either get out of there

or else explain their
presence within, uh,

9 minutes.

That's pretty hard
for me to believe, sir.

What do you mean
it's hard for you to believe?

I believe it. Look at me,

I'm sitting right here,
and I believe it.

I don't know what's a matter
with you, Mattemore!

Well, I'm sorry, sir.
What are my orders?

Uh, better.

Mattemore, your orders...

Your orders are...

Eh, secure the moon.

Secure the moon, yes...

Secure the moon?
How do we do that?

What do you mean,
how do you do it?

You secure the moon,
that's what you do.

You got some Russians
up there, too, haven't you?

Well, yes, not many.
Just two, sir.

We had them over the other
night for a little party.

Had them over for a what?

Well, we were just having
a little get together,

and they just came in.

We couldn't very well
ask them to leave.

You realize they probably
planted a bomb around there?

Now listen to me,
Mattemore!

If you don't hear from me
within 7 minutes,

that'll be it.
You understand?

Use your own judgment.

Dismissed.

Where in the hell's
the damn button?

The second one
from the top, sir.

Why in the hell
didn't you say so?

I don't care
what he says.

I don't
believe it.

Yeah, well, I made
the same mistake

a couple of minutes ago.

And you heard what
howling bull said.

You better believe it!

I don't care.

I just don't
think either

the Americans
or the Russians

are stupid
enough to start

anything
like that.

Well, you wouldn't
believe it

because you're a woman.

You haven't got
a military mind.

And we only have
6 minutes now.

Is there someone
you want to call,

like your mother
or your sister?

Mm-mmm. Not me.

I'm the one that doesn't
believe it, remember?

Well, whether you
believe it or not,

let's knock off the talking
and get going.

There's Igor.

Hi, Igor.

Come on in.

I'm pretending
to be friendly

just to egg him on.
Come on in, Igor.

I've gotta find something
to belt that Russian with.

Peter!

I'll bet you he's on
the same assignment I am.

No, Peter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guarantee you
he's coming in here

to capture us.

Baloney. He came here
to get Anna.

Anna?

Yes! She's asleep
in there.

She has been
all the time!

How come?

Because she refuses
to go back to Igor

unless he promises
to marry her.

That's how come.

Better yet!

Peter!

Shh, shh, shh!

This is working out
better than I thought.

Now we only have one
to worry about.

Look, are you sure you
know what you're doing?

I know exactly
what I'm doing.

I'm doing exactly
what any man

in my position
of responsibility would do.

Now, wait a minute!

Igor saved your life
2 days ago, remember?

Yeah, and I'm gonna
save it again today.

Now mind your business.

Come in!

Oh, Peter, ha ha!

It's Igor, open up!

The lock, silly!

Come in.

Peter!

They're strong.

Ooh.

Keep your eye
on him.

Just watch him.

They're very strong,
I'm telling ya.

Tie his feet.

Uhh.

Ohh!

Why did you have to
hit him so hard, Peter?

What'd you want me to do,
stand here and box with him?

He's got at least
50 pounds on me.

Will you stop stalling
at get howling bull for me?

Come on, Eileen.
Hurry up.

All right!

Just put
the call through.

Moon station calling.
Moon station calling.

This is
the space center operator.

Would you get me
general Hallenby

in Washington, please?

Right away.

One moment, please.
I'll connect you.

Thank you.

Peter...

Would you hurry up?

They're getting
howling bull.

I mean general Hallenby.
Come on.

All right.

Well, what is it now,
Mattemore?

Oh, uh,
mission accomplished, sir.

I've secured the moon.

What in the hell
are you talking about?

Well, speak up,
will you?

I'm fixin' to go
to palm Springs.

Palm Springs, sir?

Oh, is that
where you're going

to direct
the hostilities from?

Hostilities?

I'm going down there
to play

in the invitational
golf tournament.

Golf tournament?

Well, so what happened
to the crisis?

What crisis?

Oh, that crisis.

Well, that's been
all cleared up.

Oh, you mean the Russians
that were in there,

they got out
wherever they were.

Uh, turned out

they didn't have
to get out of there.

They were all members
of the Russian peace corps.

That's funny.

I never knew the Russians
had a peace corps.

Heh heh heh.

Yeah.

That makes two of us, sir.

I didn't...
I didn't know, either,

but while we're
on the subject, sir,

may I ask,

what would you like me to do
with the prisoners?

What prisoners?

Well, I have this one Russian
tied up over here,

and I have the other one
locked in the bedroom.

You are kidding,
aren't you Mattemore?

Uh, no, sir.

Uh, you see
this one Russian

outweighed me
at least 50 pounds,

and I thought
he was coming over...

You moron!

You damn idiot!

Well, no one called me, sir.

Don't you think I got
anything better to do

than call up the moon
every 5 minutes?

You realize
what you've done, sir?

Out of one crisis,
into another one.

You get me the president
right away

on my private channel.

Tell him to standby
on the hotline

to the Kremlin.

It's idiots like you

that get us into trouble
jumping into conclusions.

Well, sir,
no one called me, and...

You shut up!

I'm gonna deal
with you later.

Now, what...

Hell is wrong?

What in the hell
is going on?

You pushed
the wrong button, sir.

Well, get that off!
Get it off!

I've seen that lousy
movie a hundred times.

There goes
that damn fool Indian

falling off
his horse again.

Would you do me a favor
and don't argue with me?

Just don't argue
with me, just help me.

Would you just help me,
please?

I'm sorry.
I'm...

I'm sure glad I didn't
call my mother.

Uh. Uh.

Hurry up.

You just think of
something to tell Igor

when he comes to.

Okay.

I better check.

Sleepin' like a baby.

Igor, you all right?

Igor.

Igor, you all right?
Take it easy.

We'll take care
of you.

What happened?
What happened?

Uh, you slipped coming
to the door.

Ohh.
You slipped.

You see,
when you were...

You came
to the door...

Hyah!
Ooh!

Where's Anna?

Oh, uh, she's in bed.

She's asleep...
In the next room.

Yeah, she's in
the next room asleep.

Bed.

Easy, Igor.

Just relax.

Igor?
Just relax.

Uh, Igor?

Easy!
Igor!

Igor! Easy.

Anushka?

Anushka?

Anushka.

Ohh.

Anushka.

Ohh, Igor.

Oh, Anushka.

Have you come
to tell me

you're going
to marry me?

No, Anushka.

I come to give you love,
romance, and laughter.

Laughter. Ha ha ha.

But you have to.

Why, Anushka? Why?

I'm going to have
a baby.

No!

Premier Roskov

is asking miss Soblova
if she will take

Mr. Blakonakov to be her
lawfully wedded husband.

Da.

She says she will.

Now premier Roskov
is asking Mr. Blakonakov

if he will take
miss Soblova

to be his lawfully
wedding wife,

and he says he will.

And I think I see
miss Soblova's mother.

She sees her daughter
getting married.

And miss Soblova's father

and the father's wife.

Now it looks like
the ceremony

is drawing
to a conclusion.

Mr. Blakonakov,
miss Soblova,

man and wife.

Mr. Blakonakov kisses
Mrs. Blakonakov.

Mrs. Mattemore kisses
Mrs. Blakonakov.

Now premier Roskov

is complementing
the young couple,

and he is boasting
that he is sure

that they
will very shortly

give to the Russian
people a new glory...

The first baby born
on the moon.

This is another Russian
first, ladies and gentlemen.

But is this
just an idle boast?

Maybe I'm saying more
than I should,

maybe I shouldn't be
saying this on the air,

but it is my opinion,
considering the fact

that Mr. Blakonakov
and Mrs. Blakonakov

have been alone together
on the moon

for 3 months,

it is my opinion

that the young bride is
already several months...

This is Roger Carlisle
ending my series

of telecasts from Moscow

saying good-bye to B.C.B.

Oh, was
a lovely wedding.

Wasn't it?

Yeah, sure was.

Anna made
a beautiful bride, too.

Yeah.

I'll get it.

Okay.

It's probably, uh,
someone calling us.

Oh, I almost forgot
to press it.

Hello, kids.

Well, what's new,
Mattemore?

Oh, did you see
the wedding?

The whole world saw it.

I guess all those rumors
are true.

Oh, yeah.
They're true.

She's got about
a 2 month jump on us.

I guess there's nothing
you two can do about it.

Well, you know, uh...

Well, what I mean is...

Everybody in Washington
is pretty dejected.

Senator Astongrapple
cried on the floor

of the senate
this morning.

Nobody's blaming you,
of course, but...

But what?

Nothing.

But what?!

Well, even
if you had got off

to a level start
with them,

I don't suppose it would
have done you any good.

Why not?

Oh, come now,
Mattemore.

We all saw Blakonakov,
a vigorous, prancing,

snorting young stallion
if ever I saw one.

So what?

I'm not exactly
what you'd call unvigorous,

unsnorting,
or unprancing myself.

Mattemore,
alongside Blakonakov

you look like
a worn-out old man

who's made one too many
journeys to the well

and hasn't got the poop
to make it back again.

Not to mention
Mrs. Blakonakov.

No!

No, let's
mention her.

Say, what did
I look like

alongside of her,

somebody's
undersexed

kid brother or
something, huh?

Well, of course,
it isn't your fault

that these Russian girls
develop so startlingly

and so young.

Oh, wait a minute.

She's not all that
young, mister.

I'm not talking of her
age in years.

I'm talking of her warm,
young birthings.

Her warm,
young what?

Well, with a girl
like that, you see,

you've only got
to say "boo" to her

and she's already
2 months pregnant.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just try
saying "boo" to me

and see
what happens.

I beg your pardon.

Because if you did,
you'd find

that I'm just as
pregnant as she is.

What did you say?

I said I'm just as
pregnant as she is.

But this
is wonderful news!

This is the most
fantastic news

I've ever heard!

This means it isn't another
Russian first after all.

I must get on the wire

to the president
right away.

I must get hold of all
the foreign correspondents

and...

Just a moment.

How could you be?

You've only been
married 5 days.

What do you care
how I am?

I am!

Oh, you wonderful girl.

I'll get back to you
right away.

Just now I've got
a million things to do.

What's going on
down there, Quonset?

I pressed
the wrong button.

It's that movie that's been
on channel 9 all this week.

Now he's gonna fall off
his horse again.

It's, uh...
Kind of exciting.

I mean... I mean, uh...

You know, when I...
When I think of...

I gotta get cigars.

So I... you know, to hand them
out to everybody.

Where do you go here
for cigars?

Th... uh, you know,
handing out.

Congratu...
Hey, you had a...

What's the matter?

What are you talking
about?

Huh?

What are you talking
about?

I'm talking about
what you were talking about.

I mean, the first thing,
you know,

when a man is proud,
you, uh... oh, you...

Oh, you're not
like you said?

Heh. I was teasing.
I know that.

I... I knew...
I knew you, uh.

When you were...

What did you hope
to accomplish by lying to him?

I wasn't lying.

You said you were
as pregnant as Anna is.

I am as pregnant
as Anna.

Well, then I'll get
a ball and a bat and a glove.

I can even make...

'Cause Anna
isn't pregnant.

I don't need a ball,
a bat, or a glove then.

She only told Igor that
to make him marry her.

And if you must
know the truth,

it was my idea.

Good thinking.

Wait a minute.

When you told Quonset
what you told him,

Quonset and everybody else
is gotta think you are

like you said.

Peter.

Huh?

We have 12 days
of night left.

So?

So...

You wouldn't wanna make
a liar out of me now,

would you?

Heh.

Heh, no.

This is
the space center operator.

I have Mr. Quonset calling
the moon station.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

Mr. Quonset calling.

* 10, 9 *

* 8, 7, 6 *

* 5, 4, 3 *

* 2, 1 *

* you're gonna take
a trip, girl *

* so slip into something
slinky and smooth *

* way, way out *

* just wave the world
good-bye *

* let's fly *

*'cause, girl, I got
a whole lot to prove *

* way, way out *

* I need to show you *

* I know you and me were meant
to go the whole route *

* way, way out *

* and if you stick
with me, girl *

* you'll see what the game
of love's all about *

* way, way up *

* we're gonna take a trip
in outer space *

* fly now
and we'll pay later, girl *

* come and go with me *

* and you'll see what the game
of love's all about *

* it's way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out *

* way, way out **