All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e08_English

The Carmichael Show
is recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

I'm just sayin',
every time

we landed on the moon was
under the Nixon administration.

It's been over 45 years and
still no other country has gone?

None of that
sounds suspicious to y'all?

Why would America
manipulate us like that?

You know,
I'm not liking the picture

you're painting of this country.

Yeah, even if we did fake
the moon landing,

that just makes me
love America more.

You know,

lying about landing on the moon
is so American.

But actually doing the work
and going there,

that's kind of Japanese,
when you think about it.

Hey, y'all.
Bobby, no!

You are not at a point
in your life

where you get
to wear sunglasses inside.

You got
to accomplish something first.

Leave Bobby alone.

He's working on his identity.

Who do you think you are,
son, Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson
has talent and class.

Look at this boy.
He think he Jack Nicholson.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you're not gonna be laughing

when I tell you the reason why
I'm wearing these sunglasses.

Why? What happened?

Is everything okay?
No.

(sighs) Look, things got
a little crazy at home and...

Nekeisha hit me.

Oh, Bobby!

Are you okay?

(laughing)

Joe, why are you laughing?

He just said he
got hit by a girl.

That's not funny to y'all?

No, it's not funny.
It's domestic abuse.

Oh, yeah, you right.
We should...

we should send Bobby to
a battered men's shelter!

(laughing)

Joe, domestic violence
is real.

It's also hard to prove.

That's why we gonna have to put
more bruises on you, Bobby,

if we want
these charges to stick.

Jerrod, put a couple
of oranges in a sock.

Mom, we are not gonna
jump Bobby.

It's the only way.

Sometimes you have to lie in
order for the truth to come out.

Bobby, what happened?
Why did Nekeisha hit you?

Nekeisha's been drinking
a lot lately,

so I confronted her about it
and told her to cut back.

Then, um,

she punched me in the face.

Oh, my poor baby.

Nekeisha's out
of control.

You know something? From now on,
you are not leaving this house

without my rape whistle.

Maybe we should talk to her.

No, you don't talk to a addict‐‐
you yell at a addict.

That's the only way
you can cut through

the alcohol‐fueled screams
in their head.

You know what we could do?
We could throw her, uh,

an intervention
prevention intervention.

JERROD:
Dad,

what the hell is that?

An intervention prevention
intervention.

That's like a pre‐intervention.

It prevents us from having
to throw a real intervention.

See, you got to attack
these things early.

Because, most times,

when people finally get
to a real intervention,

it's usually too late then.
JERROD: No.

No, no, no, Dad, uh, uh,
quit trying to coin terms, okay?

An intervention prevention
intervention is not a thing,

and it will never be a thing.

An I.P.I. That's what
we call it for short.

Uh‐oh, Bobby, Nekeisha is
pulling up outside.

Okay, look,
nobody say anything.

I don't want her to think
I'm snitching on her.

No, I'm all riled up.

This girl needs
a good screaming at.

Nothing restores
a man's self‐esteem more

than when his mom fights
his battles for him.

No one's attacking her,

and no one's gonna
throw her any sort

of prevention...

Intervention prevention
intervention.

Okay, um,
we're just gonna tell her

that we love her,
and that we're worried

about her drinking
becoming a problem.

And that if she's
gonna hit Bobby,

stick to body blows so we won't
have to deal with him

wearing sunglasses inside.

Hey, y'all.

You bruised my baby's face,

you alcoholic monster!

Bobby, you've snitched?

You snitch‐ass ho.

♪ ♪

Now, Nekeisha,
you have a problem,

and we gonna fix it.

So sit in the
center of the room,

and we gonna go
around in a circle

and judge you
so harshly

that you gonna feel
ashamed and broken,

and you gonna change
your alcoholic ways,

and you'll thank us
for saving your life.

Okay, I'll go first.

Nekeisha, you are
drinking too much,

and your hair and nails
perpetuate a stereotype

of low‐income black women

that I personally am
offended by.

Look, Nekeisha, we just
really want to know

if you're okay,
'cause you're drinking,

and you're hitting Bobby.

I wasn't drunk
when I hit Bobby.

If I was drunk, I would
have been relaxed,

and none of this would have
happened in the first place.

Wait, you weren't drunk?

Bobby, I thought you said

she'd been drinking too much.

No, no, no,
I said she'd been

drinking a lot lately.

And that's why I poured out
all her liquor.

What they tellin'
just happened?
That changes everything.

Why would you do
something like that?

Bobby... you poured
her alcohol out?

You lucky she didn't
bite part of your ear off.

Thank you, Joe.
I came home from work,

and he poured out two
of my brand‐new bottles of Moet.

Bobby, you know
you were not raised

to be wasteful like that.

Nekeisha, I am so sorry.

Had I known,
I never would have said

all those things
about you out loud.

Bobby, what'd you think
was gonna happen?

Wait, hold on a second,
don't blame Bobby

for caring enough
about Nekeisha

to try and step up
and do something.

I don't know, Maxine,
the votes are in.

(sighs) I was wrong

for pouring out
Nekeisha's alcohol.

Nekeisha, I'm sorry,
okay?

I will buy you two
new bottles of Moet

when I get paid‐‐
we good?

Yeah, we good.

I probably went too far

when I punched
you in the eye.

All right, hug
and make up, go on.

Oh, that's nice.

I'm so glad we could
fix our problems together

as a family.

It's like a episode
of Black‐ish.

You know, I do feel
a lot better.

Thanks, everybody, for
pulling me through this mess.

What is happening?

The problem wasn't
wasted alcohol.

The problem was Nekeisha
drinking to excess.

Nekeisha, how much
have you been drinking?

Uh, well, usually
I drink on Fridays,

but then Thursday turned
into the new Friday.

Then Wednesday turned
into the new Thursday.

Shoot, I drink
every night.

Okay, well the
healthy guidelines say

no more than two drinks
a night for a woman

and three for a man.

Well, that's just sexist.
See, that's what women

need to be marching
about, right there.

We need to be marching
about that!

That's right. I mean,
if she can hit like a man,

then, dammit, she should be
able to drink like one.

Nekeisha, I'm not accusing you
of being an alcoholic,

but is alcohol causing
any problems in your life?

Like, are you
drinking and driving,

or missing work?

No, I'm on top
of my game.

I just got a
promotion last week.

The TSA promoted you,
Nekeisha?

Oh...

That's wonderful news.

Yep, you looking at
the new head

of female pat‐downs
in terminal "B"

during red‐eye hours.

I know you've been
dreaming of getting

this female pat‐down
promotion for years.

God is good.

All the time.

Well, this calls
for a celebration.

I believe we got a bottle
of champagne in the kitchen.

I'm gonna go get it.

Well, Joe, stop.

I can't believe
I have to say this.

You can't serve alcohol
at an intervention.

Well, that may be,
but right now,

we in the middle
of an I. P. I. C.

An intervention prevention
intervention celebration.

It doesn't sound like Nekeisha
has a problem, really.

I mean, it's not like she
killed a family of four

in some horrible
drunk‐driving accident.

Another thing to celebrate.
I'm gonna go pop that bubbly.

No, no.
Just because Nekeisha's

functioning doesn't mean that
her alcohol use is healthy.

Now, let's talk about why
you've been drinking more.

Has there been anything

stressful in your
personal life lately?

Nothing too much.

I mean, my sister did
just go back to jail,

and now I'm taking care
of my little nephew,

who was living
with my mama.

But then she started
doing drugs again,

so, you know, it's just
regular‐life stuff.

Nekeisha,
I'm so sorry.

Was this the mom
I met at the wedding?

No, that was my auntie,
who was taking care of me

for, like, a year when
my foster‐mom had died,

just before my grandmother
had stepped in.

Oh, so we're talking about
the second foster‐mom.

No, she's also dead.

We're talking about
my actual mom.

Oh, yeah, I
think I met her.

You haven't.
Oh, okay.

Nekeisha, why didn't you
tell me your mom was

back on drugs again?

You know you can talk
to me about those things.

I don't want to burden anybody
with my problems.

I've been through this
all before‐‐ I can handle it.

That's why I just have
a couple of drinks

to help deal with it.

JOE:
Nekeisha,

you are the definition
of a hero.

Somebody who shoulders
all her pain on her own

and doesn't ask me for help
getting through it.

It just warms my heart

that you have such a
good system in place.

You know, I read
once that it is not

the problems that arise,

but the grace in which
you suppress them.

That defines you.

Oh, Mama, that was
poetry right there.

No, it's not.

And I strongly doubt
that you read that anywhere.

Yes, I did!

You know, Nekeisha,
hearing about

how painful your life has been,

and how well you've
hidden it from all of us,

I say you earned
that bottle of champagne,

so I'm gonna go get it.
Get it, Joe.

Jerrod, help me here.

I don't know,
I mean,

Nekeisha's life sounds like

an episode of The Wire.

I guess she should
have a drink.

The reality is
some people's life

is so stressful, they've
earned the right to drink.

Some people drink,
others smoke weed

or cigarettes
to deal with it.

You know, those Truth
commercials only show you

the downside of smoking.

They never show you
the one guy

whose cigarette is
the only thing stopping him

from beating his wife
after the Steelers lose.

JOE:
Now...

Cynthia bought this bottle

to celebrate for when Hillary
was gonna win the presidency,

but...

I guess a woman being promoted
by the TSA is gonna have to do.

Look, Nekeisha,
there are other ways

of handling stress
than drinking.

Like meditation.

You know, I've been
meditating since I was ten.

Oh, when I was ten, my
grandmother used to meditate.

But I found out later she
was just doing heroin.

Well, nevertheless, um...

meditation has done a lot
for me in my life.

You know,
I started meditating

the year that
my parents got divorced,

and it was a really,
really stressful time.

You know, my parents wouldn't
take any responsibility,

so I put the blame on myself.

And the only time
I would get any relief

was when I would just sit alone
in my room and meditate.

Maxine, you can't solve
her problems

the way you solve
your own problems.

You've got divorced parents.

She's got two dead mamas
and a junkie nana.

CYNTHIA:
Maxine,

if meditation
solved problems,

there wouldn't be so many
people starving in India.

You know, just ignore
them, Nekeisha.

I really think this
would be great for you.

What do you got to lose?

Is this gonna cost me
any money?
No.

And this won't be affecting
my sexual orientation, right?

What?

All right, I'll try it.
Okay, great.

I really think
you're gonna love this.

You know, sometimes at night...

when I'm laying down,
I hear these voices in my head

shouting at me.

"You're a failure, Bobby!

"You're nothing!

You should just give on up."

So I guess I'll try
your meditation, too.

Okay, deep
breaths. Inhale.

Exhale.

See, just by recognizing
your breath,

you can start to feel the stress
melt from your body.

Now, I want you to picture

a stream.

Imagine leaves floating
down that stream.

Place your problems one by one
onto the leaves,

and just watch them slowly
drift away from you.

(inhales)

(exhales)

Maxine? Hey, hey, Maxine?

Yes, Bobby.

Um... so I did what you said,
I put my problems on the leaf,

and it started
floating away,

but now it's starting
to float back towards me.

What should I do?

Well, don't let it
float towards you,

make them float the other way.

We can't control

the way a stream
moves, Maxine.

We're not God.

Oh, God, is anybody
else's stream disgusting?

I think a factory's been
dumping runoff in mine.

Okay, let's not do the stream.

Um... all right, try this,
try picturing a mountain.

Ooh, how high is this mountain?

'Cause I'm afraid of heights.
(sighs)

Oh, don't worry
about that, Nekeisha,

just put your fear
of heights on that leaf.

Oh, you're right. Maxine,
I'm going back to the stream.

(inhales deeply)

(exhales slowly)

Terry's awake.
(groans)

This is my nephew, Terry.
Terry, this is Maxine.

I want some candy.

Why do you always
want candy?

We ain't got no candy.

Look, this boy's been
over here a whole damn week,

and I ain't seen him
eat one vegetable.

Eat a carrot, Terry!

Maxine,

I know that you're trying to
get me to a state of peace,

but this meditation thing
takes too much time and focus.

Hennessy is
relaxing immediately.

But you don't want a quick fix,

you have to look at
the big picture here.

I found some candy.

Terry, what is that?

Um, did you go through my purse?

I got to pee.

Oh, Terry, would you stop
going through people's stuff?

See, this is the reason
why you're not gonna find

a loving home.

Xanax?

Maxine, you take Xanax?

Yeah, sometimes.

So let me get this straight.

You got us sitting
around here Indian‐style

trying to replace alcohol
with streams and mountains

while you're over there popping
happy pills the whole time?

Yeah, Maxine,

how's these pills any different
from Nekeisha's drinking?

It's not the same
as drinking at all.

A doctor prescribed those
as a sleep aid

to help me with my ruminating
thoughts and anxiety.

You know something?
See, I knew no one could just

close their eyes
and picture a stream

without mind‐enhancing
steroids.

There is no way that
I'm not drinking alcohol

while you walking around here
with Xanax in your purse

like breath mints.

You said it was possible
to relax with just meditation.

It is. I am not
taking Xanax all day.

I take them
at night as needed.

Psh.
(clicks tongue)

Look, if it'll help you be more
invested in this process,

then you keep them.

You know,
I am fine without them.

Let's try and get back
to our peaceful,

meditative place,
okay?

Okay.

This place is boring.

I want to go live
with junkie Grandma.

Oh, my God.

(gasps) Oh, my God, this is
so sad, I can't believe it.

Maxine, what
are you watching?

It's the middle of the night.

Just this episode of VICE.

Jerrod, the world
is really messed up.

You don't watch VICE
at 3:00 in the morning, Maxine.

You either switch to porn
or you close your computer.

(scoffs)

Just... I can't sleep.

I was thinking about
this co‐worker of mine.

We had this really weird moment
yesterday in a meeting.

I said, "Good idea,"
and then she smiled at me.

And I thought nothing
of it at the time,

but now I'm replaying it
in my head

and I'm wondering if she thought
maybe I was being sarcastic.

So, in order to stop
thinking about that

I started watching
this episode of VICE

about child soldiers
in South Sudan.

And they have nine‐year‐olds
wielding machetes, Jerrod!

Maxine,

please take a Xanax.

No, I made a deal with Nekeisha.

There are other ways
of handling anxiety.

Nine years old!
(stammers)

Maxine, maybe they enjoy
being child soldiers,

you ever think
about that?

I mean, if you gave me
a machete when I was a kid

I'd be very excited.

Now, stop watching that.

I did.

Now I'm just Googling stuff.

Did you know that there are
eight active genocides

happening in
the world right now?

And they'll still be active
in the morning, I'm sure.

Just... try and go to sleep.

Jerrod, have you ever seen
a sinkhole actually open up

and swallow a minivan with
an entire family inside?

Here, watch.

Maxine, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Watching some family die
in a sinkhole.

Jerrod, don't shy away
from the truth.

People die in sinkholes
every single day.

What are you doing?

Maxine, I love you,

but you are insufferable
without Xanax,

so I'm gonna get high
and go to sleep.

We are so proud of you

getting that promotion
from the TSA, Nekeisha.

You got me a Qur'an?

So you can
better understand

the Muslims you're gonna be
pulling out of line.

That is so thoughtful.

Look, we wanted
to make sure

if you're gonna racially
profile some people

that you do it
correctly.
(laughs)

Nekeisha, Maxine's broken
and she's too proud to admit it.

Will you please
give her back her Xanax?

What‐‐ Jerrod.

But, yeah,
I want it back.

Maxine,
you're a pill‐popper?

No, I'm not
a pill‐popper,

I take a medication
that is prescribed to me

to help me sleep
when I have anxiety.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah.

What?

Michael Jackson.
Mm‐hmm.

Pills killed our king.
Exactly what I was thinking.

Okay, Xanax did not
kill Michael Jackson.

He was taking a surgical
amount of anesthesia.

Maxine, you have been after
Nekeisha to stop drinking

and you are barely tethered
to the earth yourself?

JOE:
Mm‐hmm.

Looks like
we've been doing

this I.P.I. on
the wrong person all along.

All right, Maxine,

go on and sit in
the center of the room,

we're gonna go
around in a circle

and take turns
shaming you into recovery.

Right.

I'll go first.

Maxine,

I think you're arrogant
and unlikable,

but I like your nails.

Who's next?

Okay, calm down,
everyone.

There's nothing wrong

with Maxine taking Xanax.

Lots of people do it.

"Lots of people do it"

is what they said
about crack

before it ruined
Baltimore in the '80s.

Have you seen
Baltimore lately, Jerrod?

It hasn't come back
from all that crack.

Hey, hey,
the world is stressful.

And I think it's okay
that I need something

to help me deal
with that stress.

I mean, do you know
how many active genocides

there are happening
in the world right now?

Eleven?

Well, no, there are eight.

Well, that's not so bad.

Yeah, I was
gonna guess 15.

Well, it's good to know
there's a lot less genocide

than we thought
in the world.

God is good.

All the time, Mama.

You guys do know
what genocide is, right?

You know what?

I don't care if you guys
judge me for taking Xanax

because... guess what?

I'm judging you
for not taking them.

This world is a terrible,
messed up place.

How do you guys just sleep
at night and turn a blind eye

to everything that's
going on around you?

I take these pills because
I have a conscience and a heart.

You all just must be
dead inside.

You're like the child soldiers
in the South Sudan,

just getting through life...
ignoring all their feelings.

Just waving those
giant machetes around

(voice breaking):
in their tiny little hands.

All right, peace, y'all.

Hey, friends.

When it comes to
drugs and alcohol,

there are three words
that could save your life:

"Just say when."

Knowing your limits
is an important part

of being an adult.

You want to do just enough
to have fun at a party

or be creative.

But too much can send you
down the wrong path.

Use substances,
don't abuse substances.

'Cause the more
you know yourself,

the more you know your limits.

Captioned by
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