All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s03e04_English

The Carmichael Show

is taped in
front of a live studio audience.

Cynthia, I am so glad

our niece decided
to become a lesbian.

I can't wait to
post these pictures

of that wedding
tomorrow.

It's gonna make us look
so liberal and sophisticated

on that Facebook.

Joe, you know it
doesn't work like that.

People don't
choose to be gay.

Of course they don't.
Who would choose to offend God?

Look, they're going to
a lesbian wedding.

How much progress do you
expect in one afternoon?

Let's just give 'em
a B‐minus and move on.

Well, I don't know if I'm‐a
be able to join y'all

at that wedding tomorrow.

Bobby, you can't
miss a gay wedding.

That's considered
a hate crime.

But I hate going to weddings
when I'm single.

It just makes you
feel so alone.

Especially a lesbian one.

It's like everybody
can get a girl, but Bobby.

JERROD:
Well, Bobby,

I thought you and Nekeisha
agreed to go together.

Yeah, that was the plan,

then she met some dude
at a UPS Store.

Now, she's bringing him
to the wedding.

Well, Bobby, if you want,
I could try and set you up

with this co‐worker
friend of mine.

She's funny, smart, successful.
She's even got her Ph. D.

Maxine, you'd do that for me?

Yeah, of course. I'll
text her right now.

Bobby, why can't you
find your own date?

I thought you were meeting
all kinds of women

on them dating apps.

Daddy, I just swiped through
all them apps.

I already did Tinder,
Bumble, SoulSwipe.

Shoot. I'm thinking about
converting to Judaism

so I can join JDate.

Bobby, no.
They are going to come out

with a new
regular person app soon.

You just keep
hanging in there, baby.

Hey. Victoria said yes.

I'm back
in the game, y'all.

This is gonna destroy Nekeisha.

JERROD:
Wait a minute.

Maxine, your friend
already got back to you?

Yeah, how is it this eligible
bachelorette with a Ph. D.

is free to go to a wedding
at the drop of a hat?

CYNTHIA:
Yeah.

Maxine, be honest
with us right now.

Does she have herpes?

BOBBY:
Now, look here, Mama.

I don't care
what she got, okay?

I'm just excited that
Maxine's hooking me up

with one of her
hot friends.

Well, hold on now, boy.

You don't know if this woman
is really hot, now.

I mean, come on, Dad,
look at Maxine.

She's almost a nine.

I think her friends
at least got to be eights.

Bobby, this is my girlfriend
we're talking about, okay?

Show some respect.
Maxine is a nine and a half.

Well, I don't care
how hot Maxine is.

I do know that
every group of pretty girls

always has one ugly friend

to remind them
where rock bottom is.

Patrice is ours.
Yep.

So, what's up,
Maxine?

Is she one of the pretty ones
or are you trying to

set my son up
with the short straw?

What? No. My
friend's cute.

Uh‐oh.
JERROD: Mmm.

Cute, Maxine?
What?

Well, cute is how you
describe a premature baby.

All right,
let's see a picture.

Ugh.

Mmm, she doing a awful lot
of scrolling over there.

Just trying to find
the right one, hold on.

Here.

All right.

Oh, okay.

Wait, wait, I want to see.

Ooh.

What?

Maxine, your friend
is hideous.

That is so
rude, Jerrod.

Yes, Jerrod,
that's rude.

But he's right.

Your friend's face
is a real problem.

♪ ♪

Jerrod, how could you
call my friend hideous?

That's so mean
and totally unfair.

Beauty is subjective.

No, you're right, Maxine.

Beauty is subjective,
but ugly is universal.

Well, I wasn't
gonna say anything,

but if people were graded
like restaurants,

this girl would've been
shut down by the city.

Oh, come on, Maxine.
She looks awful.

And you know it.

That is not true.

And looks
aren't all that matter.

She is one of
the kindest people I know.

She has a beautiful soul.

Well, so did Mother Teresa,
but I'm sure

she spent plenty
of Saturday nights alone.

It's easy for God
to be your only man

when no other one
is interested.

Okay, what about
you, Bobby?

I've never thought of
you as superficial.

But, if you're so against
going out with her,

then I guess I'll text
her back and cancel.

No. We can't do that.

I guess that
would be rude, right?

(sighs)

I'll go out with her.

Oh, that's really
great, Bobby.

I think you guys are
gonna totally hit it off.

(flatly): Thanks, Maxine,
for this wonderful opportunity.

JERROD:
Bobby...

Bobby, you don't have
to go out with this girl

if you don't want to.

No, no, no, I'll go.
Maybe I deserve this.

(sighs)

If Maxine is hooking me up
with a three,

then maybe I'm a three.

Can y'all be honest with me?
Am I a three?

Bobby, no.

You deserve so much more than
that creature with the Ph. D.

Maxine, why are you trying to
destroy my baby's self‐esteem?

MAXINE:
I'm not.

I think that Bobby is great
and I think she's great.

JERROD:
Yeah, but, Maxine,

this is a family wedding
we're talking about.

I mean, family weddings are
the‐the high school reunion

of family affairs.

I‐It's where everyone comes
together to judge one another

based solely on how
hot their date is.

JOE:
That's right, Maxine.

We have always prided ourselves
on being a family of eights.

Now, if this girl comes
to the wedding with us,

looking all busted out,

she could single‐handedly
drag us down to a four.

Or‐or, or maybe even
a three and a half.

Like what Caitlyn Jenner did to
Bruce Jenner's beautiful family.

Okay, you guys, I
really don't think

that society is gonna be
as judgmental as you think.

Of course they will be.

I mean, who do you think
society is, Maxine?

It's us.
We are society.

And I don't know if
you've been paying attention,

but we've been saying
some pretty horrible things

about this girl.

JOE:
Well, I mean,

in certain ways, society
has come a long way.

Like, we don't care about
mixed race anymore,

but we do care about
mixed league.

These days,
when it comes to looks,

you expected to stick
with your own kind.

JERROD:
That's true.

The other day,
I saw a white guy,

like, making out
with a black dude,

and the only thing that
stood out about them?

One of those dudes was way
hotter than the other one.

Well, which one?

Was it the black one?
I hope it was the black one.

So you mean to tell me
people are gonna be judging me

if I bring Maxine's friend
to this wedding?

Son, I already think less of you
for even considering it.

Bobby, people will
be happy for you

if they see that you
are happy with her.

Hey, everybody.
I want you all to meet

my date to the lesbian wedding.

Todd,
he fine as hell.

Go ahead,
take it all in.

(squealing):
Oh! Nekeisha!

Todd, Todd, this is my
ex‐husband and his family.

Hi, everyone. Really
nice to meet you.

All right, everybody,
it's time to see his abs.

Todd, go ahead
and lift up your shirt

and show them your abs.
Show them the goods.

Hey, hey,
ain't nobody trying

to see dude abs
like that, Nekeisha.

Yeah, i‐it's degrading.

You two, don't be
rude to the guest.

Nekeisha, I don't know if
it's appropriate for me to...

Lift up your shirt
and show them your abs.

I'm not gonna
ask you again.

(sighs)
You're right.

CYNTHIA:
Ooh!

(squeals)

Nekeisha! Ooh.

Todd, you must work
really hard for those.

Do you need anything?

Could I get you an energy drink?

Um, some lemon meringue pie?

We got lemon meringue pie?

No, but I can make some.

Actually, we about
to go have sex.

Um, Bobby...

I'm not gonna leave a sock on
the door like I normally do,

'cause I'm telling you
in person, right now. Okay?

CYNTHIA:
Well, Todd, nice to meet you!

Nice to meet you.

Don't be a stranger!

(whoops)

Ooh, Lord.

It's so exciting
meeting new people.

Well, Todd settles it.

Maxine, I can't take your
ugly friend to the wedding.

Well, I hope you guys are happy.

You made Bobby so self‐conscious
that now he's missing out

on what could have been
a great relationship.

Just being
honest, Maxine.

Yeah, well, "being honest"
is why so many women

have body image issues and hate
the way they look all the time.

I can't believe how superficial
and small‐minded you all are.

Well, Maxine, that's easy
for you to say.

What is that supposed to mean?

JERROD:
Well,

Maxine, with all
due respect,

you have no perspective on any
of this because you're beautiful

and your life has been
a cakewalk because of it.

But, again, that's
with all due respect.

You think my life
has been a cakewalk?

Well, she was born rich, too,
but we not gonna bring that up.

I mean, it is
rather condescending

the way you walk around
looking like that,

acting like you the Martin
Luther King Jr. of ugly people.

Okay. This is,
this is totally unfair.

I have never used my looks

to get anything in life,
big or small.

Even when a guy I don't know

offers to buy me drinks
at a bar, I decline.

Yeah, but let's
not be naive

and pretend you don't enjoy
the perks of being beautiful.

Like what?

Like, when we
go to parties,

you ever notice how hard
guys laugh at your jokes?

No. I think that people laugh
the appropriate amount.

So you think you funny?

No. I don't...

I don't think I'm the
funniest person in the world,

but I think that
I have my moments.

Okay, then, say
something funny.

Well, no one can
say something funny

when they're put
on the spot.

That wasn't funny
at all, Maxine.

You know something?
When a beautiful woman sneezes

and she don't cover her mouth,

I don't mind if
a little sneeze get on me.

Look, l‐let's face it, your life
would be completely different

if you weren't attractive.

I mean, we wouldn't
be together.

You would have
never gotten

that low interest
rate on your car.

We probably...
We wouldn't be together?

What, Maxine? I mean, I
didn't notice your intellect

and ambition from
across the room.

Okay, so you're dating me

because of
what I look like?
No, no.

No. I started dating you
'cause of what you look like.

I also slept with you
for that same reason.

But somewhere around,

I don't know, week ten,

I really started enjoying you
as a person.

It took you ten weeks

to figure out that
I'm a good human being?

Damn, Jerrod.

Well, her looks are
very distracting.

Look, Maxine, I think it's
great that you're hot enough

to not need a good personality
but you still have one anyway.

I mean, your
personality

is like finding a hundred
dollar bill in a box of donuts.

I would have been happy
with just the donuts.

Do you know how
offensive it is

to tell someone
that their mind

is just a little
extra bonus?

It's dismissive
and belittling

that you think I'm defined
by my looks, Jerrod.

No, no, Maxine. I don't think
you're defined by your looks.

Everyone thinks that.

Maxine, come on. We can't be
late for a lesbian wedding.

Who knows when those laws
are gonna change again?

All right, I'm ready.

Maxine, why
you look like

you only got six
months left to live?

I realized that I play a part

in this superficial world
we're living in,

by wearing makeup and fancy
clothes, doing my hair.

I was just telling society
that they were right

to judge me
by my looks.

Okay. I get it.
You're trying to prove a point,

but, Maxine, this isn't
the day to do that, okay?

Now, will you please
go in there,

put on a nice dress
and some high heels,

and, you know,
let's go to the wedding.

Why do you want
me to change?

You gonna be embarrassed
to be seen with me?

Yeah.

Yeah. I am.
Of course

I'm gonna be embarrassed.
I mean, look at you.

Maxine, you look
like a disciple.

I‐I‐I...

I told my entire

extended family
how hot you are. Okay?

I said you were a nine
and a half, emphatically.

You're gonna make me
look like a liar.

I bet my Uncle Pete $200.

Jerrod, this isn't about you.
I'm very serious about this.

I don't want to be judged
on my appearance anymore.

And, if I'm gonna be
meeting your entire family,

I really want it to be all about
connection and conversation.

Okay, Maxine.

(sighs) I've never
said this to you

and I feel really vulnerable
saying it, okay?

But, you are my
biggest accomplishment.

Is that supposed
to be a compliment?

'Cause you're talking
about me like I'm a trophy.

Yeah, what's wrong
with trophies, Maxine?

People love trophies.

People work hard
for trophies, okay?
Okay.

Look, I think that you are
smart, I think you're kind,

I think you have
a big heart, etc.

Now, will please go
back into the bedroom

and turn yourself into the
award I worked so hard to win?

Nope. We're leaving.

Well, if you don't do it for me,
Maxine, do it for gay people.

Come on. Maxine! Maxine?

You love gay people!
That's one of the things that

makes you such a good person
on the inside or whatever.

I hope the Lord is too busy
to know I'm here.

Well, I'm excited.

After I watch
this lesbian wedding,

I don't think I can go back
to a heterosexual one at all.

I mean, that's not inspiring.
You got to give me something.

A man and a man, a transgender
and a regular gender.

Hell, I'd even watch
two dogs get married

if they're
wearing outfits.

I mean, this is 2017.

At this point,

a man and a woman,
that just seems wrong.

Hmm.

Well, I just hope one of the
brides is not wearing a tuxedo.

I mean, two women getting
married, that's one thing,

but a lady in a tux,
that's going too far.

Hey, y'all.

Todd flaked on me, so
I'm stuck with Bobby.

The beautiful people's
flakiness allowed me

to be the man
that women settle for.

Maxine, what are you wearing
to my niece's wedding?

You look like
a runaway slave.

You supposed to
bring our ratings up.

This is like when
your star quarterback

shows up in
a wheelchair.

Maxine, is this some
sort of silent protest?

I thought you
loved gay people.

All right, look,
Maxine, you got to be

on the right side of
history on this one.

I'm not protesting anything.
I'm just being me.

Are you sure you
not protesting?

'Cause the only way that I
would wear what you're wearing

is if I thought that
I was gonna get hit

with a fire hose at some
point during the day.

BOBBY:
Ah, there she is, y'all.

It's Aunt Clarice!

CYNTHIA: Oh...
Can y'all believe it?

My baby's getting married.

(chuckles)
Hey, Aunt Clarice.
It's been forever.

Oh, hey.

Is this that girlfriend
I heard so much about?

(flatly):
Yeah, this is Maxine.

(clicks tongue)
You are just stunning.

What a natural beauty.
(chuckles)

You're way prettier than that
queer my daughter's marrying.

Clarice!

I know. I still got
a long way to go

accepting this choice
she's made.

Well, I guess I'll get in
and watch my daughter

kiss a woman
for some reason.

Hey, see you in there,
Aunt Clarice!

Look, that's crazy.
She thought you were pretty.

Y'all see that?

She was lying.
You look terrible.

You're embarrassing.

Well, the whole point is:
it's not supposed to matter

what I look like, so you
should be embarrassed

for being embarrassed.

BOBBY:
Uh‐oh.

Here he is, y'all.
Uncle Pete!

Hey, y'all.

Wait a minute.
Is this Maxine?

Yeah.

Damn!

All right,
a bet's a bet.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Look at this girl.

Are you sure you
ain't a prostitute that

he picked up to come over here
and try and win a bet?

No. What kind of prostitute
dresses like this?

All right.

Congratulations,
Jerrod.

But if I find out
she's a prostitute,

I'm‐a come back
for my damn money.

See you in there,
Uncle Pete!

Maxine, this is crazy.
You're so hot,

you can't even make yourself
look ugly even when you try.

I'm not trying
to look ugly.

The whole point of this is to
just not be focused on looks.

(Bobby laughs)

Look who it is, y'all.
It's Cousin Demarquill.

Oh, right.

How much we bet?
A hundred?

Yeah, yeah, and...

she's not even
wearing makeup.

Yeah, and "she"
also has a name.

And a personality.
And a master's degree.

Yeah, we didn't bet
on any of that stuff.

All right, see you in there,
Cousin Demarquill.

Jerrod, you making bets on my
appearance is totally degrading.

Why, you mad 'cause you
didn't get in on the betting?

No, I don't want
any of this money.

Well, what do you want, Maxine?

I mean, everybody's saying
you're pretty,

and you and I damn well know
that you look like

you just broke out
of a women's prison.

Now, I want to be
on your side, Maxine,

but I'm not sure
what your side is.

Maxine, is all the attention
you're getting

from being beautiful
not enough?

Now you need attention
from my whole family

because you're beautiful
even without trying?

Who do you think you are,
Alicia Keys?

Okay. Fine.

We're all superficial. Is
that what you want to hear?

I have been complimented
on my looks my entire life.

My nose? It's
perfectly symmetrical.

And whenever people ask me
if I've ever had braces,

I lie, because I am too ashamed
to tell them that my teeth

are naturally
perfectly straight

and white like columns
of a Roman temple.

And every day,
when I get catcalled

or unsolicited phone numbers
on my coffee cup,

I'm reminded of the fact
that my looks

are all people
are ever going to see.

And there's nothing
I can do about it, so...

Are you happy?
Now, can everyone please just

get over how incredible
I look, for once?!

Damn, Maxine.

Maxine...

that was very,
very ugly.

Today wasn't supposed to be
about you, Maxine.

Today was supposed to be
about two lovely young lesbians.

Nekeisha?

Todd,
what do you want?

I'm sorry I
flaked on you.

Apology accepted.

Now, let's show these lesbians
what they missing out on.

Well, you win some,
you lose some.

I'm going home.

Can't believe
I said all that.

Am I a monster?

Yeah, a little bit.

But,

you're a beautiful monster.

I just really
wanted to believe

that the world wasn't
so superficial.

Look, Maxine, I really respect
what you were trying to do.

Okay? And,
for what it's worth,

I do value
who you are as a person

way more
than I do your looks.

So much so, that...
(sighs)

if you got in some sort of
disfiguring car accident,

I wouldn't leave you.

But, if you got
some type of brain injury,

and you were as hot
as you are now,

I'd have sex with you
one last time,

then I'd get out of there.

That's how much
I value your personality.

I'm taking that $300.

Mmm.

You know, if you wore lipstick,
we could have made $1,000.

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