All language subtitles for Funny Bones (1995)

It's them.

Now, Jack, do exactly
what we rehearsed, nothing else.

Say exactly what we agreed,
nothing else.

Certainement, mon Capitain.
Ne vous fachez pas.

Very good, Jack.

- See you later.
- Yes.

Messieurs.

Where is the money?

We would like to see the money.

Understand?

One more.

I don't know, mate.
It's nothing to do with me. Honest.

Marcel!

- Get moving.
- What about him?

Get moving.

Get rid of him!

Lose that bastard.
I said, get rid of him!

Get out of here.

Dad!

I'm gonna

die!

Somewhere beyond the sea

Somewhere waiting for me

My lover stands on golden sands

And watches the ships
that go sailing

Somewhere

Beyond the sea
she's there watching for me

If I could fly like birds on high

Then straight to her arms
I'd go sailing

It's far

Beyond the stars,
It's there beyond the moon

I know beyond a doubt

Sit. Down. Bad doggie, down.

Good doggie! Beg.

Room service, Mr Tommy.
Can I turn down your pants?

- How's the star of the show?
- I'm gonna die.

You're among friends.
We won't let you die!

I don't mean on stage,
although I feel like shit.

- I mean, I'm gonna die!
- What are you talking about?

If I don't do it, make it happen.
You know, find that feeling

in two weeks,
I'm just not gonna live any more.

You mean you feel desperate.

A lot of people feel desperate
before doing something exceptional.

I'm not playing it safe any more.
I'm gonna take it right to the edge.

And do pirouettes.

- What are you talking about?
- Pirouettes, you dumb fuck.

And if I fall,

well, so be it.
You know. Who gives a shit?

My father in the audience yet?

We're late. That's it, we're late.

- Don't say it was me.
- Relax, dear.

I'm gonna die.

Welcome to the Hilton Vegas,
Mr Fawkes!

- Great to see you.
- Thank you.

No matter what happens, nobody
can say you're not a great father.

Hi.

Now is not the time to lose faith
in the material.

It got you this far.

As an opener, the dog story is the
best joke I ever wrote for you.

But if... which it won't...
but if, and I mean only if...

Jesus, you make me doubt things.
If it doesn't work,

use the saver.

You mean, a joke's like a lady
getting out of a car.

Sometimes you see it,
sometimes you don't?

- Yeah, that's it!
- Yeah, that's it!

Tommy, I don't think you should
use the sheep story.

- What are you telling me?
- It's not that kind of house.

It uses the F word, and this is
not the Comedy Store.

- You'll lose 'em with the F word.
- Risks, Al. Pirouettes!

A one-way ticket.

Two weeks to live.

- You're nervous.
- I waited all my life for tonight.

What are you doing, pumpkin?
Don't do this, please.

You're so cold. You have frozen
the life out of me.

What is this?
What are you doing to me?

You're all that matters.
All you think about. Tommy Fawkes!

Tommy, you're so cold.

You wonder why people
don't laugh at you?

What?

What are you saying?
What are you saying to me?

I am saying that you cannot
have relationships.

We're through. That's what I'm saying!

- Hi, son.
- Hi, Dad.

I won't hold you up.

Boy, this takes me back.
New mirrors.

All I came to say was, you couldn't
ask for a better audience.

That room is filled with people.

Friends, family,
the whole of show business is there!

They're all just hoping and wishing,
and ready to laugh, son.

- I better go.
- Sure, OK.

I just wanted you to know
how proud I am of you.

- Five minutes, please.
- He'll be right there.

If this audience doesn't laugh,

then I don't know what.

I just think all those years
of playing small venues

and learning the business
is about to pay off for you.

And I hope so. Because I know
you haven't always found life easy.

- OK! Dad, I have to go.
- OK.

Go get 'em.

Kill the bastards.

We will meet beyond the shore

We'll kiss just as before

Happy we'll be beyond the sea

And never again

He was fine.

I'll go sailing

Sailing

Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a new face topping the bill

at the Hilton Oasis.

A new face. But an old name.
The name is Fawkes.

Yeah! Tommy Fawkes! All right!

I'm gonna keep Tommy waiting
just a little longer. First of all,

there's something special
we have to do.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the biggest star of them all.

The funniest.
Mr Originality himself,

in the audience tonight.
Mr George Fawkes!

Come on, George.
They want you.

Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it.

As the cow said on a wintry morning:
"Thank you for that warm hand."

But seriously, folks. I cannot
tell you what a joy I feel

being here at the... Hilton Oasis.

He did it. He did it.

Mr Fawkes? Are you OK?

I can't believe he did that. Oh, boy.

A gag is like watching a girl
get out of a car.

Sometimes you see it,
sometimes you don't.

I'm history, I'm out of here.
Have a good night.

You still got it!

I can't believe he did that.

And now will you welcome

the man who
has inherited that talent.

Mr Tommy Fawkes!

He's great!

Slay 'em, Tommy!

My wonderful parents,
ladies and gentlemen.

They hated me. They once took me to
an orphanage and told me to mingle.

Do you ever feel like
killing yourself?

Like no matter what you do, people
will always see you as one thing?

It's like a lifetime of bad luck.

I came home last week, my dog looked
sheepish. Dogs can look sheepish!

I feed him, he won't eat.
He starts wailing real loud.

I go into the back room, I see
he's broken a very large mirror.

I say, "Did you do this?"
He said, "Yeah." He did.

"It's OK, why are you so upset?"

He says, "49 years bad luck."

A joke's like watching a lady
get out of a car

Sometimes you see it,
sometimes you don't.

Did I say something funny?

I was playing Carthage, Tennessee.
Ever play there?

They brought back the death penalty
for comedians only.

Guy in a bar says, "I used to own this
place. I built it up from nothing.

"But do they call me
John the Bar Owner? No.

"I owned the biggest farm
in the county for 30 years.

"I looked after animals, crops.
But do they call me John the Farmer?

"I ran for Congress. Sat in
Washington representing the people.

"They call me John the Congressman?
No, sir.

"You fuck one sheep..."

I gotta run.
You made a lousy fucking audience.

My name is Tommy Fawkes,
and I got two weeks to live.

Tommy?

Well, my mama she didn't love me

She had to stay out all night long
O Lord

Well, my mama didn't love me

She had to stay out all night long

I didn't care if she didn't love
I would boogie-woogie anyhow

When I was working
up in town, people

I was walking down Hatham Street

I heard everybody talking about it
The Henry Swain Club

I decided I'd drop in that night
and when I got there

I say, yes, people
you do really have a ball

Come on. Get it off him.

Get it off him!

We'll send somebody to
find your father and your uncle.

Is there anything else you want?

Anything we can bring you?

Toast!

Toast.

Over here!

Here! Over here!

Here!

Look, it's nothing. It's just a foot.

It'll blow over. It's a one-off.

Yes.

No.

I will, I will.

I resent that. Piss off!

Animals.

Did you tell them
there's no connection

between the foot
and the man in the tower?

Jack Parker's father?

I am. That's his uncle.

I'm afraid he's climbed the tower
and he won't come down.

He's asked for toast.

Do you know why? I mean, toast?

Toast, shut up.

May I ask you what you do?

How do you mean?

Come on, Mother.

You're from the lawyers?
Broadbent, Phelps, Burger & Burger?

Berger & Berger... I'm Lawrence Berger.
You're Mr Tarascas?

- Dick Tarascas. Dick.
- Shall we wait for your bags?

- My bags went to Düsseldorf.
- Oh, really?

Gosh.
That's unbelievably bad luck.

- My cheque's come? Hotel confirmed?
- Yes, indeed. Sea view.

Let's go.

- Is this your first time here?
- No, I lived here till I was six.

So you've noticed the changes, then.
What would it be? 30 years?

Its heyday. Marlene Dietrich,
Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra.

A mecca for comedians, of course.
Bob Hope.

George Formby. George Fawkes.

And the sun shone every day, right?

It seemed to, yes.

Mr Parker?
Steve Campbell. I'm a psychiatrist.

Is he coming down?

Why wasn't I told it's Jack Parker?
What about guns?

- He isn't armed.
- With respect, he is a known maniac.

Hiya, Dad. Hi, Uncle Thomas.

Are you all right?

I'm gonna die!

Gentlemen, what I need to know is,

how far does this man go
when he's pushed?

- You must be Mrs Parker.
- I was married to Bruno.

But I'm no longer Mrs Parker.
This is Toast.

Jack, my darling.
You can come down now.

Mr Parker.

Your brother doesn't seem to speak.
Is that right?

- He's depressed.
- How long has he been depressed?

- When did he last speak?
- Twelve years ago.

I gather you're in the business
yourself. A comedian?

Sort of.

And you're prepared to pay money
to see comedy material in Blackpool?

- You bet.
- Actual cash?

Bingo. I'm serious.
Everything I see, I pay to see.

£50 for a look.
If I buy, that's where you step in.

I never thought of it as
such a competitive business.

Well, it is.

- What do you want to see?
- Whatever's funny in Blackpool.

Old routines, funny routines,
funny people.

- Jokes?
- No jokes.

I'm looking for another way.
Jokes I've paid for. It doesn't work.

No jokes.

Funny people.
Physical comedy. Original ideas.

Visual? Slapstick?

- It may not be scripted.
- Doesn't mean I can't buy it.

Look, Lawrence. I'm gonna be frank.

I don't have long to live. I'm looking
for something. I don't know what.

I'm an educated man, I like to
analyze. I'm reasonably wealthy.

It's something special.
I'm gonna find it here.

Whoever brings it
might not even know its worth.

Whatever it is,
it will be something I don't have.

Another way of looking at life.
I spent six years of my life here.

There's no reason
why the sun can't shine again.

I mean, why do all the best things
in life belong to the past?

I don't know.

But it's true. You're right.

So no jokes, OK?
Jokes I'll leave to George Fawkes.

- George Fawkes. He was funny.
- Still is.

Surely not?
I thought he died in Las Vegas.

No. I died in Las Vegas.

Jack, I'm here to help you.
I'm going to ask you a few questions.

Unrelated, all right?

- Where were you born?
- Blackpool.

- Why Blackpool?
- I wanted to be near me mother.

- Have you lived here all your life?
- Not yet.

They tell me you had no real
education. Is that right?

Tell me, of this list,

which is the odd one out?

House.

School. Dog.

Cinema. Church.

- Dog.
- Good.

A dog wouldn't go to the cinema,
would it?

Which of these is the odd one out?

Malice. Jealousy.

Greed.

Envy.

And... kindness.

And.

- I want to tell the whole truth.
- Very well.

I'll fetch the sergeant.

Jack, this is
Detective Sergeant Sharkey.

What is it you want to say?

Jack?

Jack?

Man, slow down

We'll get there

Take your time

So we'll just keep on
walking anyway

We have for you the one and only,

the challenger,
Dancing Joe Caccelli.

In the red corner,
the WBA Champion,

Buffalo Bob Johnson.

Boxers,
let's get ready to rumble.

Oh, well, that's Turkey.

Tune into your breathing pattern
and watch the breathing.

Breathing naturally,
not forcing it in any way.

As you breathe,
begin to hear yourself.

Min-nnaaah!

Ooooh-waa-haa-haa.
Ooooh-waa-haa-haa.

Remember,
breathe to your breathing rhythm.

When we breathe out,
there's a natural pause at the end.

Before we breathe in again,
try to feel the pause.

Just let go until you
breathe in again.

In your own breathing rhythm,

breathe in naturally,
and out slowly.

Pause at the end of the breath.
Feel your eyelids becoming heavy.

They tried to pull a stroke, Dolly.
There was an accident.

I know he died in a bad way,
but it serves the filthy frog right.

He only brought five eggs.

- But you gave him all the money.
- We had no choice.

He threw Jack in the water. We tried
to save him, not argue about the egg.

There was a panic, a communication
problem. There's no trust any more.

One wax egg remains
unaccounted for.

Two ounces of the emperor's private
store of the plant of immortality.

That's about £20,000 worth.
Or ten more years of my life.

You have my word. The egg
went down with that French fella.

I thought you said this was a one-off.

Well, it is a one-off.

The feet match. One person.

Two feet, though.

Well, obviously.

Everyone's got two feet.

Does anybody know anyone
that hasn't got two feet?

Yes!

Very amusing, but if you'll excuse me,
I've got vermin at South Shore.

Whose feet are they?

One minute to ten.

Ladies and gentlemen. Come up gently.

Are you taking us and our material
to the United States?

If you want to, we have to go
on the QE2. We never fly.

Will you all settle down? Quiet!

- I only eat brown bread.
- Sign it before you come through.

The terms are the same for all of you.
It's £50 for a look.

If Mr Tarascas
wants to go any further,

a price will be negotiated. All right?

Good turnout.

Good work, Larry.
Let's have the first one.

This is Steve.
He's come all the way from Ormskirk.

Welcome, Steve.
What do you have to show me?

That's what I say
I say yeah, yeah

That's what I say, I say...

That's what I say, I say...

That's what I say, I say...

- Bonanza.
- Aznanob.

- Dallas.
- Sallad.

Stop doing that!

- That's funny.
- Thank you. Why didn't you laugh?

Larry will check out the patents
on biscuit tin tap dancing.

- We might make you an offer.
- Thank you.

- Don't forget your biscuit tins.
- I got plenty of them.

I...

- What's this?
- It was in the "Times" yesterday.

I doubt many people saw it.
Certainly not this lot.

So as far as Blackpool is concerned,
you're still Dick Tarascas.

"Legendary comedian George Fawkes
won a standing ovation

"when he took over from his vanished
son Tommy, also a comedian.

"The whereabouts of Tommy Fawkes
is yet to be established. Police...

"say..."

- That must have been awful for you.
- Yeah.

- You must admire your father.
- He's a hell of a guy.

So, who's next?

I know you will be good today.

And no one knows who you are.

Now I must get ready.

Remember clapping for yourself
just like your father?

More research, is it?

People in this town will be angry
when they find out what you're doing.

Meaning?

£50 for a look could become
a keep, and we'd never know.

You haven't seen the right people.

The ones I'm talking about
turned down the Ed Sullivan Show.

I paid to get in here,
I'm allowed to watch, Mr...

This afternoon's new talent is keeping
a bit schtumm about his act.

Welcome, please,
the amazing Valve Radio.

Mann, Billy Mann.

And that is not new talent.

The fight is on.
Dancing Joe saying, "Come on."

Why, you!

The Buffalo's fierce
and attempts to psyche out Joe.

I put a spell on you

'Cause you're mine

Feel your eyelids becoming
very heavy.

I don't wanna feel this way. This is
not the way I'm gonna live my life.

- The Dancer explodes.
- You can feel a strong vibration.

Anybody in this room
who can't do that?

Buffalo lands a hook, a right,
an uppercut. Exploding into Dancer!

Having a great smile
really can change your life.

A left. A left again.
Joe is stumbling.

Must be jelly
Jam don't shake like that

- Drop your hand by your sides.
- He's unguarded. Buffalo strikes!

- What? Where? When? How? Who?
- He goes down three times.

Expel every drop
of air from your body.

Buffalo is held back
while Joe's on the floor.

I'm not a beast.

- He's given the count.
- 90! Who'll go to 94?

- Fill your body...
- He's up.

.. and let it out.

He's down again. Chip is counting.

It's been requested that I do
this number for you.

In. Out.

In. Out.

In. Out.

- The Dancer's in trouble.
- The man in the moon.

He's gonna go. Joe leaning
desperately against the ropes.

Hardly knows where he is.

Uska Dara is a town in Turkey.

In the old days, many women had male
secretaries. Well, that's Turkey.

He's confused. I can see
his wife, Laura, up there with him.

- He doesn't even know his own wife.
- The man in the moon.

Joe's on the deck!

Come back!

He's brilliant!

I'd never have let him
if I had known who he was.

I wasn't that surprised when
the detective sergeant told me.

I mean, to be that good,
he had to be somebody.

I mean, he is good.

Jack. Out of trouble means
out of sight, all right?

Vanish, or we'll make you vanish.

This is your lucky day.

I suppose it's just a sentimental
continental point of view

But when out with English gentlemen,
what torment I go through

Exercising fascinations

Till at last I lose my patience

For it is hard to understand

That in your peculiar land

Englishmen never make love by day

It can't be helped
It's just their way

It isn't good form to be warm

In the heat of the sun

You mustn't nestle or gaze too much

You mustn't whisper or even touch

You mustn't reveal what you feel

While you're missing the fun

You mustn't say darling,
you mustn't hold hands

Or give him a hint he might

You must just sit and talk
about cricket and glands

With no one at all in sight

But never despair as you waste a way

For in spite of your plight
and your deep dismay

Though Englishmen
never make love by day

A t night they're quite all right

Englishmen wait
for the clock to chime

They won't light up
till lighting-up time

They think it's a sin to begin

In the afternoon

No matter how fond
they feel of you

They won't say so
if the skies are blue

It isn't the thing in the spring

Or the Juniest June

You can hear the thud
of their Saxon blood

As they sit there all polite

Like a block of wood
or a stick in the mud

Saying "Is that so?"and "Quite"

Just why it should be
it is hard to say

They know that we know
that they know the way

But though Englishmen never
make love by day

A t night they're quite all right

It's a good house. I need a drink.

That was very exciting.

I used to represent this bombshell.
I used to represent all this lot.

This is Bruno, Thomas and Jack Parker,
the funniest people ever in Blackpool.

- And this is Bruno's ex, Katie.
- I know you.

I'm honored to meet you.
I'd like to see your material.

You see, boys,
Mr Tarascas is buying material.

I'll explain all this properly to you.
And paying very good money, too.

Only if I decide that...
Yeah, sure, for instance...

Jack, I'll make you a big offer for
that tape. The tape is fabulous.

Hah!

Is there a problem?

Have I said something un-British?
You don't need the money!

Mr Tarascas is a comedian, too.
Very funny.

Boys,
I think you'll need my help on this.

- It could be worthwhile.
- Great.

- Where can I catch your act?
- We haven't done it for twelve years.

Yoo-hoo!
You want some of this?

La mer, quand voit dancer

Two big ones, one little one.
Thank you.

Three big... WAHHH!

Please!

I wanna go.

Where I've made a cross.

£1,000 for a look. The rest if I buy.

Bruno was my husband. I know the act.
I also know about contracts.

- Sure.
- Bruno, Thomas...

Bruno, look at me.
Thomas, look at me.

- We really need the money, Katie.
- Don't sign.

- There's something you don't like.
- Yes!

Look at page four, where it says 6A.
That's what they call a quitclaim.

- What's that mean?
- I know you need the money.

But you haven't understood.
A quitclaim means that this man,

and only this man, can do your act.

And us. If we get another chance.

No, boys! You're signing away
your right

to perform your act,
that you took 20 years in perfecting.

You'll never be able to do it again.

Haven't you grasped the point?
They're never going to work again!

You understood this. You bastard!

- You don't have a high opinion of me.
- The man's insulted. I'm very sorry.

But these are the people
who are being insulted!

How do we know that you won't make
such a cock-up of this act

that it will never be seen again
in the history of the world?

Are you a funny man, Mr Tarascas?
How funny are you?

Either they want to trade or they
don't. Nobody's forcing them.

You're just a rich, spoiled brat!

You don't have the humanity to see
this is not just buying a few jokes.

This is buying their lives!
C'est monstrueux.

What's more, it is absurd!

I have no desire
to buy these gentleman's lives.

I respect your concern,
Mrs Whatever-your-name-is.

But this hysterical talk grates on me.
Do we have a deal or don't we?

If it's not too much to ask,
may I now see what I risked £5,000 on?

Risked.

What first?
Looks like a restaurant sketch.

You've never seen one like this.
It's got stuff no one ever attempted.

- Nobody could touch 'em.
- Good, that's what I want.

Stop!

Tell them to stop.

Stop, lads.

Let me see something else.

Stop!

We've got a routine with a
comedy cabin and a dead fish.

I don't want to see it.
Not today, thank you.

Oh, boy. Can you beat this?

He's probably just lost for words.

It wasn't part of the deal,

but if you ask nicely, they might do
the beating-each-other-up sketch.

- That never fails. It'll kill ya'.
- No!

- I don't want any more from them.
- What the hell's the problem?

What's the problem? I'll tell you.

I've seen all this stuff.
This act doesn't even belong to them.

- Then who does it belong to?
- Don't tell me you don't know!

OK...
Taking me for a sucker is one thing.

Trying to sucker my father is another.
When George Fawkes finds out you...

- George Fawkes?
- George is your father? You're Tommy?

I am. And I'll tell you
who's angry here. I am!

- What about the £1,000?
- They should pay, with interest!

- You'll be hearing from my lawyers!
- You can reach me at my office.

Well, even if it's true,
passing off isn't a UK offence.

- What do you mean "if"?
- I'm afraid you owe them £1,000.

Pay 'em! Go ahead!
Pay 'em the whole amount. £5,000!

What are you saying?

It was their material first.
I can't believe it wasn't.

Those guys can't lie.

Oh, God, tell them I'm sorry.
It's not them I'm angry at.

My father stole material.

Gosh! I see.

- I had a little red car.
- Yes. You drove it into everything.

Did the sun shine every day?

No. You were just a little boy.
You were six when you left.

But we were happy, right?
Why did we leave in such a hurry?

Why did we never see you again?

Yes, it was a special time.

We worked together, we laughed
together, we lived together.

Something was bound to happen.

Then it was time for you to go.

Your father took
his little boy, his lovely wife

and an act that didn't belong to him.

We never heard from him again.

He left us with nothing.

Sorry, I...

Well, not quite nothing.

What do you mean?

- Why are you laughing?
- You're so opposite. Half-brothers.

My God, it's so funny.

Tommy, what did you expect to find?

Be my love

For no one else can
end this yearning

This need that
you and you alone create

Just fill my arms
the way you fill my...

Tommy! Your father is worried
to death. He's in the pool.

Hold on. Wait a minute. Hold on.
Don't go away.

Don't tell Dad I called. I want to
tell him everything in my own way.

George!
Quick, it's Tommy. He's on the phone.

Forget the shoes.

I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying.
Martha, hold that, please.

Hello, Tommy?
You were great! They were bastards.

Did they come to laugh or be embalmed?

Your mom thinks you're in Hawaii,
I think you're with that snake woman.

Don't feel you have to tell us
where you are.

- I feel I should tell you where I am.
- You don't have to.

I want to tell you where I am.

- OK, where are you?
- Blackpool.

- You're where?
- Where is he?

That's right, I'm in Blackpool.

And Dad, I know everything.

What's he saying?

It's not a breakdown, is it?

Quiet! I'm trying to listen.
How did you find them?

They found me.

I'm coming over.

- Please don't come over.
- I'm coming.

It would be better for me if you...

Tommy?

Don't do it, Dad. Please don't.

Tommy?

I lost him.

Where are you going?

Do I get any kind of explanation?

Look, I want to spend time with you.
I think we can help each other.

Show me whatever you want.
I'm not afraid to learn.

You see... I don't have long left.

Your mother told me to leave you
alone, but you can't shock me.

I want you to know that.

Jack?

Silly thing.

That's all?

Poor Marcel. He was a real buddy.

I've known him
since we were in the army together.

You were in the army?

I didn't know that.

What regiment might that be?

Here you go.

That hurt! That really hurt!
It shouldn't hurt.

- That's a straight nap.
- You didn't pull your punch.

- A pulled punch is called a nap.
- Then give me a nap.

You can't if you want big laughs,
can ya?

But we're rehearsing. You'll kill me.

- I'll show you another way.
- Good.

- Wait. I've had it with the slaps.
- It won't hurt, honest.

Don't flinch or I won't hit you.

It didn't hurt.

Now what?

It's up your sleeve. The audience
think it's in the newspaper.

But you keep it up your sleeve.
Let it out through the newspaper.

That's neat.

That's really neat.

Did you see this?

You stole two feet?

A part of you guys has always
stayed with me.

Yeah, the act.

What's he like?

I believe he's greater,

funnier than any of us.

It's like...

If we'd wanted the funniest child
at the expense of everything else,

then our prayers were answered.

Too loudly.

- You know, people say love child?
- Yes, in the sixties. Go on.

I know you and Katie were in love.
I don't mind. Honest, I don't.

But it's like he's a laugh child.

And we've all paid for it.

Shall I pull him back up?

Shall I?

Shall I?

After the accident,
they told us to plead that he was

maladjusted. To put him in a home.

Let me out.

The comedy
of the magnificent shambles.

Purposeful, intentional chaos.

If it isn't funny,
you die a double death. Right?

Isn't that right?

OK, let's start.

I never saw anything funny that
wasn't terrible, didn't cause pain.

Jack believed that
more than any of us.

He saw things
he shouldn't have seen.

It wasn't Katie's fault.
Francesco used to bait him with it.

No!

Why did you stop?

Did they laugh? In Vegas,
when you took over the spot?

- You know about that?
- Did they laugh?

You know the one they liked best?
The joke I bought from Sammy Feingold

two days before his triple bypass.
Or 3 days before his double bypass.

- It's wartime France, right?
- I don't want to hear it.

There's a dogfight, and in it is
François the Fighter Pilot.

Dad! I don't want to hear it.

He takes a hit. His plane is on fire
and crashes in a cornfield.

Please, stop. I'm asking you to stop.

Wait a minute. This girl comes running
out of the farmhouse

and pulls his body from the blaze.
She nurses him back to health.

- I don't wanna hear it.
- Tommy, listen.

This is terrific! He takes her
on a picnic to show his gratitude.

I don't wanna hear
any more funny stories!

Why are you so angry?

Because the King of Originality
stole his act,

because Mr Generosity is
a thief and a liar,

because now I know
why Mother is the way she is,

and because the Parkers brought up
your son and lost everything!

I'm angry because for 30 years
I had this memory

of sunshine and smiling people.

It wasn't all sunshine
and smiles for them.

We left them a lifetime of pain.

Tommy, hear me! Tommy!

What happened
happened because of love.

We left because Katie got pregnant.
We both thought it was for the best.

I'd have gotten in touch, but I
thought I'd done enough damage.

Why did you steal their whole act?
Because you loved them so much?

No, because I wanted a new act
that no one had seen in the States.

I was ambitious. Is that a crime?
Did you never steal material, son?

I knew their act.
It was a way in for me. Just a way in.

I did it a couple of years,
then I became a joke man.

Let me tell you something straight.

About what kills me.

It kills me that I got lazy,
using writers, not using me.

We were funny! We didn't have to tell
funny stories. We were funny.

We had funny bones!

And what kills me most is watching
my own son flop time after time.

However much I spent on writers and
coaches, it hasn't worked for you.

It's like you're too educated
to be funny.

All this analysis. I did that!

There are two types of comedians.

A funny bones comedian,
and a non-funny bones comedian.

They're both funny.
One is funny, the other tells funny.

And Tommy...

It's time you knew... and this
kills me the most,

but you're neither.

You're not funny.

Know it now. They're not gonna cheer
for you, no matter what you do.

Did you fix it for the Parkers
to perform?

The brothers, not the boy.
I'm trying to make it up to them.

- Why not the boy?
- He killed a guy!

A boxer kills a guy,
he maybe gets another fight.

A clown kills a guy, you have
to admit that's bad box office.

He's not like that. He's not crazy.
And for God's sake, he's your son.

I'm sorry.
Even God couldn't swing that one.

But the brothers are taken care of.
They're topping the bill.

They happy?

I've been diggin' my...

I can't work anywhere anyway.
The policeman won't let me.

Jack, my darling,

this man Sharkey,
this horrible policeman,

I will use all my power
to make him disappear for ever.

I promise.

Jack.

Our suffering is special.

The pain we feel is
worse than anyone else.

But the sunrise we see is
more beautiful than anyone else.

The Parkers is... like the moon.

There's one side forever dark.
Invisible. As it should be.

But remember, the dark moon
draws the tides also.

Our time has come.

That's the most wonderful thing
you've said in years.

That's the only thing I said in years.

And so it is

that Blackpool welcomes back...

George Fawkes!

George, by the way,
when the time comes...

I love this town!

- You clapped for yourself yet?
- No.

Let's hope we're not
the only ones who do.

- That feels better.
- You're right. It does.

Jack...

Jesus Christ!

Wait a minute! Are you in the circus?

Are you a policeman?
Same answer. Sometimes.

Are you French? You smell French.

You smell like a toilet.
Look at you. What happened?

Bill, Richard? Find Jack Parker!

Who are you?

I am Cleopatra, queen of all Egypt

and goddess of love.

- What's wrong with your trousers?
- Never mind. Find Jack Parker now.

I've called in some more men.
I don't like it. I've seen...

..faces. Cleopatra.

Slaves.

- How do you mean?
- I don't know.

But it's all getting a bit French.
And I don't like it.

He whose invisible perfume
will carry as swift as fear

shall my asp find
and take with me to my grave.

And I, breathless,

power breathe forth!

- What happened to your trousers?
- It's nothing.

Best of luck, boys.

We miss them.
We welcome them back!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you

the Parker Brothers!

- Everything all right, boys?
- Great.

It's talcum powder.

Get off me!

Vive la resistance!

You OK?

We got a call from Sharkey.
No one knows where he is.

Come on.

Who's doing the sway pole?
Give us five minutes. I'll be back.

Boys, your sway pole is ready.

The finale.

Climb the lamppost!

Tommy!

What?

They're beginning to like you!