Original subtitles

Where's Bob? He called this meeting for 9:00.

- It's already 1 O after. - A shrink has no sense of time.

They're not really doctors. They don't deal with life and death like we do.

Listen, I've got a society nosejob waiting in my office.

Hold it, Phil, We should wait. Bob said it was a personal matter.

- Probably needs our advice. - Well, when he gets here...

tell him my advice is to forget it, because when a marriage is over, it's over.

There's nothing wrong with his marriage.

If there was, he wouldn't come to you. He'd come to me.

- Oh, really? What else could it be? - Money.

I asked him to lend me a nickel for the parking meter yesterday...

the man claimed he didn't have change.

- Come to think of it, he's done that to me a lot. - Mm-hmm. Bob's broke.

That's not it. I borrow money from him all the time.

Well, then it can only be one thing- he is sick.

You know, come to think of it, he has looked a little pasty lately.

God, his marriage is over, he's broke, and he's gonna die.

Not his week.

Uh, there's someone outside to seejerry.

- Who are you? - I'm Gail.

- Where's Carol? - She's on vacation.

Again? That's twice in two years.

Well, broads are all alike.

I object to the term “broads?

- I am a woman. - Not really.

I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Uh, look, I've been here before. I can handle everything.

- Now, which one of you isjerry? - Me.

Okay, fine. What do I tell the person waiting outside to see you?

Look, whatever your name is, we are having a meeting here.

My best friend is in trouble!

- Who's out there? - I don't know. Some girl.

Really? Well, I'll see you later.

- Uh, pardon me, Gail. Is that your name? -Yeah.

Uh,just, uh, how well do you know Carol?

- Pretty well. - Did she ever tell you anything personal about Bob?

He doesn't pay her enough. But she likes him anyway.

Bob called us here because something horrible is happening in his life.

And we wanna know what it is.

Well, I guess Carol should be the one to tell you this...

but I understand that during a full moon...

Bob has a tendency to chase cars.

Maybe we should call in a vet.

Oh, hi. Sorry I'm late. I didn't have any change for the meter.

- I had to park on a side street. - I knew it. You're broke.

Oh, no, he isn't. Look at the man's complexion. He is sick.

You'd look sick too if your marriage was going down the tubes.

Is this my fear of sanity group?

Look, Bob, uh, we were sort of speculating...

on what's wrong with you, and obviously something is.

Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk to you about my sister.

- She's broke. - She's sick.

Her marriage is down the tubes.

- Will you let me tell you? - Well, Bob, get to it.

- We are doctors. - All right. She, uh-

She wants to do an article about us, and her editor gave approval.

I just wanted to know how you feel about it.

- Well, I hate it. - And I love it.

- Why? - Because you hate it.

Let me get this straight.

Your sister wants to do an article...

- on a day in the life of a medical building. - Exactly.

Oh, that's perfect. She can talk to Dr. Harris, an adequate G.P.

Jerry, an average orthodontist.

And of course, Bob, a competent psychologist. And myself.

The Michelangelo of grotesque deformity...

battling the plague and the scourge...

epidemics of crippling ugliness.

And then there's Bernie for comic relief.

I resent that. Urology is an honorable profession.

Look, all I need is yes or no.

- Yes. - It's okay by me.

- Well, me too. Except for one thing, okay? - What's that?

I don't want anybody to tell her what I do.

I thought it was an honorable profession.

Well, that's no reason to shout it from the rooftops.

Nobody cares what you do, Bernie.

I'm sorry I'm late, Bob. But that was important.

I had to interview a dental cleavage- technician.

That's all rightjerry. The meetings over.

So, what's the problem? Boy, you should've heard them talking before you got here.

They figured it could be only three things- either you're bankrupt...

- getting a divorce or dying. - [Chuckles]

Can you lend me 1 O bucks?

- Yeah, sureJerry. - Ten-spot.

Thanks. How's, uh, everything going between you and Emily?

Fine.

- More coffee anyone? - Yeah, I'll have some.

- More muffins too if you've got 'em. - Happen to have 'em here, Morty.

- Can I have another, uh, cup of coffee? - Sure, dear.

Second cup of coffee.

- What, uh- What did you just write down? - Oh, it's not important.

Uh, listen, Bob, I just want you to ignore me today.

I mean, forget that I'm your sister. I'm a reporter.

- And you're a shrink. - [Howard Knocking] I'm back!

Come in, Howard. It's open.

“ (Dug!

- Are you okay? - Yeah, except for my knee and my-

my shoulder and my forehead.

Yeah, but I don't- I don't wanna ruin your day.

I've learned to live with pain.

- Would you like some bacon and eggs, Howard? - No, thank you.

I'm in too much pain. I'll have some, uh- some toast though.

I'll have his eggs.

- Who's he? - Oh, Howard, I'd like you to meet my photographer, Morty.

Oh, glad to meet you.

You guys do a real great job, you know.

I mean, without pictures in newspapers, newspapers would just be news.

- Honey, can I see you in the kitchen? - Sure.

Uh, I was talking to Bob.

Oh, I'm sorry. When Ellen says “honey,“ she usually means me.

You know what I heard once? A picture's worth a thousand words.

Would you pass the butter?

You know, Bob, if you're gonna have your picture taken today...

I don't think you oughta wear that tie.

Why not? Uh, Ellen gave it to me.

She must've given it to you as a joke.

The reason you think it's a joke is because it's- it's daytime.

I mean, at night, it glows in the dark.

Testing. Testing. Testing.

You hear that? Why does everyone always say “testing, testing“ when they're testing?

- J el ly. - [Howard] Well, I gotta go.

I've gotta go soaring off into the sunrise.

It's my job, soaring.

Are you gonna eat your toast?

No, no. Thank you. Nice talking to you, Morty.

Well, it was a thrill for me too.

- [Bob ] I guess /'//go too. - I hope everything goes well today.

Thanks. I'll ask him my first probing question on the way out.

- Shoot. - You're not really gonna wear that tie, are ya?

Oh, uh, come on, Morty. We're leaving.

- You go ahead without me. I'll grab a cab. - Morty!

- Oh, all right. - Did you have enough to eat, Morty?

No, but we'll break for lunch early.

- Hi, Phil. - I beg your pardon?

- “Hi, Phil.“ - It's Dr. Newman.

Let's conduct ourselves with a little decorum today. After all, this is press day.

- Uh, when will Carol be back? - Soon, I hope.

This place is a snake pit.

Ah. Well, well, good morning, doctors.

- Doctor. - Doctor.

- Doctor. - Doctor.

Sure, but try calling one in the middle of the night.

Oh, good morning, doctors.

Uh, Doctor, when do you think the press will get here?

Well, Doctor, I hope very soon...

otherwise they're gonna have to vacuum your head again.

I wore this before at the last Christmas party.

Oh, that's right. You were doing the Mexican hat dance...

and it fell on the floor, and everybody thought it was a tarantula.

Oh, look who's talking. I noticed you used a little eyebrow pencil this morning.

You're full of it, Doctor.

Some days his eyebrowsjust happen to be darker than others.

Well, if you'll excuse me, doctors. I have some important doctor stuff to take care of.

Got to fix my spit sink.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Well, good morning, Doctor. And this must be your sister, Ellen.

How do you do? lam Dr. Newman.

-I know. Hi, Phil. - Oh.

Welcome, welcome, to the Rimpau Medical Arts Building.

Oh, well, thank you. You mind if we get off the elevator?

Oh, certainly. Certainly. And-And if there's...

anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable...

you just talk to Dr. Tupperman.

He's the little fella here with the tarantula on his head.

Oh, my God, Bernie. Wh-What are you wearing?

Come on, Bob. You've seen this jacket before.

Does anybody know how to load this thing?

- I can take a look at it. - Oh, thanks, Bob.

Is there a coffee shop around here?

- Yeah, d-downstairs. - Oh, fine.

Call me when you get it loaded. I'm gonna grab a bite to eat.

Morty, you just ate a half an hour ago.

Oh, no wonder I'm so hungry.

Well, I guess I'll tape some interviews and have some pictures taken later.

Well, why not, uh, start with plastic surgery?

Why don't we mosey on down to the face-lift factory.

Uh, you could start with me.

- My field is just as interesting as his. - What is your field?

I'd rather not say.

Why don't we let her start where she wants to start.

I'm in 713.

I thought that office was abandoned.

There are more patients coming into my office than any other office in this building.

NGVGI' 38W 0H6 come OUt.

Phil, take a hike.

Well, uh, I have to go to makeup- I mean, to work.

Work. I have to, uh, work. I work down here.

Well, I guess I'll be going too. Oh, Gail-

Uh, if the White House physician comes by with that specimen...

uh, be sure to buzz me, will you?

I wanna go home.

Well, Morty's camera's all loaded.

Why don't you come down to coffee shop with me and show him how to work it?

That's not a bad idea. I'm starved.

Morty ate my breakfast.

Uh, Gail, can we bring you anything back?

Uh, yeah, if you see ajelly doughnut.

Oh, and if we, uh, see a Secret Service man with a bottle...

we'll send him right up here.

What's going on?

I used to do divorce work.

- HLJerFy. - Ellen, is that you?

Yeah. Um, listen, do you mind if I interview you first?

- No. No, go right ahead. - Ah, terrific.

Uh, Ellen Hartley, Rimpau Medical Arts interview...

with Dnjerry Robinson, orthodontist.

All right, first of all, Dr. Robinson, what is orthodontia?

What is orthodontia?

What is life?

I asked you first.

What is orthodontia? Well, let's begin by saying...

that it's not just fixing kids' teeth.

It's hard work, it's sweat, and, yes...

a certain amount of spit.

- So, life is like spit? - Exactly.

I wish I had a wider-angle lens. Part of your nose is out of the frame.

Dr. Robinson, here's your m-

Well, what a surprise. Ellen. You know...

doctors do little favors like this for each other all the time.

It's called professional courtesy. It's part of the Hippocr-

uh, the Hipp- uh-

- You know, that oath that we all swear by. - The Hippocratic oath?

That could be.

Well, uh, Phil. I'm interviewingjerry right now.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I'll just get out of your way.

I won't bother you a bit.

Um, all righLjerry. Um, how do you determine when a kid needs braces?

When his parents can come up with a couple of grand to pay for 'em.

- Will you butt out, Phil? - Uh, Dr. Robin-

Gee, I'm awful sorry. I didn't know that you had company.

I don't. Company is something that you invite.

Well, uh,jerry, remember that time you asked me about the history of urology?

- No. - Well, I've done some research.

Napoleon had a urologist following him through every campaign.

Following?You mean leading.

A-And did you know that nonspecific “uritis“...

claimed the lives of15 Egyptian pharaohs?

I heard it was 14.

Tupperman, I didn't askyou about any of this stuff.

Well, m-maybe there's somebody in the room...

from the news media who might be interested.

Oh, I am, Dr. Tupperman. But not right now.

Uh, you know, the phones are all ringing off their hooks out there...

but they're only patients, sol suppose it doesn't really matter.

What's the matter with you guys? This is a working day.

Jerry, that girl is back. She said you were supposed to interview her at I 0:00.

- That's tonight. - She's early.

Hi! Nice to see you again. Step into my, uh, office.

Well, Ellen, it looks like we're gonna have a chance to talk.

What is it you'd like to know?

Excuse me. I have to file some X-rays.

- Thank you. - I am not only after one thing.

Have you seen my Phi Beta Kappa key? I seem to have misplaced it.

No, I didn't spikeyour drink.

Is this Jerry Robinson's office?

- Over here. - Uh,jerry, there's a guy here to fix your spit sink.

Will you show him where it is, please?

I don't thinkyou can get there from here.

[Muttering]

Is this Candid Camera?

Are you Allen Funt?

Okay, let's have a nice, big group smile.

Hi, everybody.

Ellen, I'm glad I found you.

You left your comb in the apartment. I thought you might need it.

- [ Gasps] - Oh! My hand's stuck!

[Clamoring]

I wanna thank all of you for your cooperation. Come on, Morty.

Let's get something to eat, I'm starved.

Hold on, Ellen. There's something you should know about warts.

Uh, it was 15 Egyptian pharaohs. I can prove it.

[Harris] I can't find my Nobel Peace Prize either.

That's, uh, very nice of you to bring the comb.

- Well, I thought it might be important. - Yeah.

If I were Carol, I'd go on vacation every week.

What are you, like a dentist?

- Orthodontist. - What's that?

Orthodontia?

Well, it's a lot like life-

hard work, sweat and, yes...

a certain amount of spit.

I can see that.

You understand it's just a first draft.

I'm-I'm sure it's fine.

I mean, they'll be a lot of changes in it before it appears in print.

I can't read it with you looking over my shoulder.

Well, I- I just wanted to know what you think.

So far, it seems okay to me, except, uh...

“Hartley“ is spelled L-E-Y.

- How'd I spell it? - L-Y.

-I did not! - You misspelled it every time.

Uh, well, it's my name too. I can spell it whatever way I want to.

- How come I'm not mentioned? - You are.

- Where- Where is it? - Um, right there.

- Where? - Oh, yeah.

Uh, “Dr. Hartley is married.“

Well, I am married.

L, uh-l had Gail run off some copies for the other doctors.

- You, uh, will let me know what they think? - Yeah.

- Let's go. I'm starving. - You sound like Morty.

- See ya later, Bob. - See, uh, it's right there on the door.

L- E-Y.

Ellen, I just finished the article, and I think it is brilliant.

- It's... really honest. - Gee, thanks, Gail.

Um, would you guys mind if I joined you for lunch?

- Sure. Come on. - Thank you.

I, uh, don't think I wanna be here when the doctors read the article.

Can I, uh, buy anybody a sarsaparilla?

We read the article, Bob.

Oh. Oh, great. The, uh, copies came out clear, huh?

- Very clear. - Great. Great.

'Cause, you know, sometimes they come out a little- a little blurry.

I mean, u-usually they don't.

L-You know, I guess this time-

is one of the times that they came out clear.

It's a- It's a real good copying machine.

We were-

We were real smart to invest in it.

Y-You guys mad or something?

Mad? Why should we be mad?just because your sister made us look like a bunch of quacks?

She called me “a Hippocratic oaf.“

She called me “portly and diminutive.“

Where did she come off telling my age?

Said I spent the whole day trying to straighten out my love life.

It's not straightened out.

- Nobody came off well. - Yeah, well, you did, Bob.

Sure, why not? He's her brother.

She, uh- She misspelled my name.

I don't want my mother to see this article.

But I want my lawyer to see it.

This thing better be changed before it goes to press, Bob.

Change it, or you'll rue the clay you rented space in this building.

Look, uh, Ellen wrote that the way she saw it.

And, uh, I'm not gonna ask her to change it.

And I'd be disappointed in herifshe did.

You know what I think, Bob? I don't think you're man enough to stand up to her.

I think you're yellow.

You bushwhacked us, Bob.

You've got till sundown to have this article changed.

Bernie!

They went thataway.

It seems like Howard's been at that all-night newsstand all night.

Oh, he's so cute. He's like an expectant father.

[Sighs] I just wish he'd get here.

Ellen, take it easy. You wrote the article. You know what's in it.

Oh, I know, Bob. But- You know, it's different when you see it in print...

with all the spelling corrected.

You know, actually there is-

There is something I meant to talk to you about now that you've...

you know, put the article to sleep.

- “To bed,“ Bob. - Right.

Uh, everybody at the office wasn't...

altogether enthusiastic about it.

They, uh- They wanted to change some things...

like my face.

Yeah, I, um-

I reread it and made some changes on my own.

Oh, I'm really glad you did, because, you know...

there were some things that even bothered me.

You know, like this part where you call Phil Newman...

“the sultan of silicone.“

I didn't change that.

Wh-What about- What about Dr. Harris?

Oh, yeah, I felt that I treated her with kid gloves.

So, um, I added that she was pretentious and seemed to be...

more concerned with herself than with the practice of medicine.

Oh, she'll- She'll like that much better.

Did you change any of the stuff about Bob?

Yeah. I added that, um, “Dr. Hartley's therapeutic technique...

was effective but unspectacular.“

And I took out the crack about the ugly tie.

Told you it was ugly.

You gave me that tie.

I gave it to you as a joke.

- [Knocking] - Uh, come in, Howard. It's open.

Oh, no, Bob, I'm not gonna fall for that again.

Come on. Let him in. Let him in.

- Oh, that smarts! - What happened this time?

Uh, I got hit by the newspaper when they threw 'em off the truck.

_ Oh_ - Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

They say when you get old, you don't need your shins.

Don't worry about me. just read the article.

- Well, I can'tfind it. - Here it is. It's in the “Good Neighbor“ column.

Oh, yeah. Right next to the, uh, shipping arrivals.

There we all are injerrys office.

That's not my article. it's just a picture.

“Today's Good Neighbors.“

“Doctors pitch in to help plumber Roland Snead, 44...

“repair a spit sink...

“in the true spirit of the Windy City.

Snead is left-handed and a widower.“

I broke my shins for that?

I guess the editor didn't like it.

Or maybe there was a fast-breaking news story.

Yeah, yeah. That's it. H-Here it is.

“Chicago may get azalea festival.“

Hey, that sounds exciting! Boy, maybe my shins will be better by then.

They will be, Howard.

They say your shins are the first to go.

Not in your case, Howard.

In conclusion, since I regard psychology as a serious...

albeit unspectacular profession...

I cannot accept the invitation to attend...

your Psychology Day picnic and carnival...

nor will I participate as a contestant...

in the primal scream-off.

[Knocking]

Come in.

- Hi, Bob. - Oh, hi, Morty.

Here are those pictures you ordered.

- You didn't have to bring them yourself. - It's my pleasure.

I was in the neighborhood. I'm on my way to a fire.

Well, I- I appreciate it.

That's all right. I do have a problem though.

L-I won't be able to take pictures of the fire unless-

Yeah, I'll- I'll load it for you, Morty.

Thanks, Bob. You get it loaded, and, uh...

I'll be in the coffee shop.

[ Mews]