All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e13 - The Article

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:12,966 Where's Bob? He called this meeting for 9:00. 2 00:01:13,026 --> 00:01:16,064 - It's already 1 O after. - A shrink has no sense of time. 3 00:01:16,129 --> 00:01:20,009 They're not really doctors. They don't deal with life and death like we do. 4 00:01:20,066 --> 00:01:23,411 Listen, I've got a society nosejob waiting in my office. 5 00:01:23,470 --> 00:01:26,974 Hold it, Phil, We should wait. Bob said it was a personal matter. 6 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,987 - Probably needs our advice. - Well, when he gets here... 7 00:01:30,043 --> 00:01:33,456 tell him my advice is to forget it, because when a marriage is over, it's over. 8 00:01:33,513 --> 00:01:35,220 There's nothing wrong with his marriage. 9 00:01:35,282 --> 00:01:37,762 If there was, he wouldn't come to you. He'd come to me. 10 00:01:37,818 --> 00:01:40,458 - Oh, really? What else could it be? - Money. 11 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,558 I asked him to lend me a nickel for the parking meter yesterday... 12 00:01:43,623 --> 00:01:45,967 the man claimed he didn't have change. 13 00:01:46,026 --> 00:01:50,168 - Come to think of it, he's done that to me a lot. - Mm-hmm. Bob's broke. 14 00:01:50,230 --> 00:01:52,608 That's not it. I borrow money from him all the time. 15 00:01:52,666 --> 00:01:55,476 Well, then it can only be one thing- he is sick. 16 00:01:55,535 --> 00:01:58,744 You know, come to think of it, he has looked a little pasty lately. 17 00:01:58,805 --> 00:02:02,878 God, his marriage is over, he's broke, and he's gonna die. 18 00:02:04,744 --> 00:02:06,690 Not his week. 19 00:02:07,848 --> 00:02:10,124 Uh, there's someone outside to seejerry. 20 00:02:10,183 --> 00:02:12,185 - Who are you? - I'm Gail. 21 00:02:12,252 --> 00:02:14,493 - Where's Carol? - She's on vacation. 22 00:02:14,554 --> 00:02:17,398 Again? That's twice in two years. 23 00:02:19,526 --> 00:02:21,802 Well, broads are all alike. 24 00:02:21,862 --> 00:02:24,206 I object to the term “broads? 25 00:02:24,264 --> 00:02:26,335 - I am a woman. - Not really. 26 00:02:28,201 --> 00:02:31,080 I mean that in the nicest possible way. 27 00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:33,879 Uh, look, I've been here before. I can handle everything. 28 00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:35,977 - Now, which one of you isjerry? - Me. 29 00:02:36,042 --> 00:02:38,716 Okay, fine. What do I tell the person waiting outside to see you? 30 00:02:38,778 --> 00:02:41,258 Look, whatever your name is, we are having a meeting here. 31 00:02:41,314 --> 00:02:43,351 My best friend is in trouble! 32 00:02:43,416 --> 00:02:45,760 - Who's out there? - I don't know. Some girl. 33 00:02:45,819 --> 00:02:48,265 Really? Well, I'll see you later. 34 00:02:48,321 --> 00:02:50,699 - Uh, pardon me, Gail. Is that your name? -Yeah. 35 00:02:50,757 --> 00:02:53,567 Uh,just, uh, how well do you know Carol? 36 00:02:53,627 --> 00:02:56,836 - Pretty well. - Did she ever tell you anything personal about Bob? 37 00:02:56,897 --> 00:02:59,571 He doesn't pay her enough. But she likes him anyway. 38 00:02:59,633 --> 00:03:04,343 Bob called us here because something horrible is happening in his life. 39 00:03:04,404 --> 00:03:06,782 And we wanna know what it is. 40 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,049 Well, I guess Carol should be the one to tell you this... 41 00:03:10,110 --> 00:03:12,852 but I understand that during a full moon... 42 00:03:12,913 --> 00:03:16,190 Bob has a tendency to chase cars. 43 00:03:18,852 --> 00:03:21,298 Maybe we should call in a vet. 44 00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:26,566 Oh, hi. Sorry I'm late. I didn't have any change for the meter. 45 00:03:26,626 --> 00:03:29,470 - I had to park on a side street. - I knew it. You're broke. 46 00:03:29,529 --> 00:03:32,942 Oh, no, he isn't. Look at the man's complexion. He is sick. 47 00:03:32,999 --> 00:03:36,412 You'd look sick too if your marriage was going down the tubes. 48 00:03:37,771 --> 00:03:40,217 Is this my fear of sanity group? 49 00:03:41,708 --> 00:03:44,279 Look, Bob, uh, we were sort of speculating... 50 00:03:44,344 --> 00:03:47,587 on what's wrong with you, and obviously something is. 51 00:03:47,647 --> 00:03:50,457 Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to talk to you about my sister. 52 00:03:50,517 --> 00:03:52,258 - She's broke. - She's sick. 53 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,060 Her marriage is down the tubes. 54 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,624 - Will you let me tell you? - Well, Bob, get to it. 55 00:03:57,691 --> 00:04:00,137 - We are doctors. - All right. She, uh- 56 00:04:00,193 --> 00:04:02,833 She wants to do an article about us, and her editor gave approval. 57 00:04:02,896 --> 00:04:04,967 I just wanted to know how you feel about it. 58 00:04:05,031 --> 00:04:08,205 - Well, I hate it. - And I love it. 59 00:04:08,268 --> 00:04:11,272 - Why? - Because you hate it. 60 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:13,682 Let me get this straight. 61 00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:15,845 Your sister wants to do an article... 62 00:04:15,909 --> 00:04:18,583 - on a day in the life of a medical building. - Exactly. 63 00:04:18,645 --> 00:04:21,751 Oh, that's perfect. She can talk to Dr. Harris, an adequate G.P. 64 00:04:21,815 --> 00:04:23,761 Jerry, an average orthodontist. 65 00:04:23,817 --> 00:04:27,321 And of course, Bob, a competent psychologist. And myself. 66 00:04:27,387 --> 00:04:32,336 The Michelangelo of grotesque deformity... 67 00:04:32,392 --> 00:04:34,338 battling the plague and the scourge... 68 00:04:34,394 --> 00:04:37,398 epidemics of crippling ugliness. 69 00:04:37,464 --> 00:04:40,673 And then there's Bernie for comic relief. 70 00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:44,113 I resent that. Urology is an honorable profession. 71 00:04:44,170 --> 00:04:46,047 Look, all I need is yes or no. 72 00:04:46,106 --> 00:04:47,585 - Yes. - It's okay by me. 73 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,553 - Well, me too. Except for one thing, okay? - What's that? 74 00:04:50,610 --> 00:04:53,113 I don't want anybody to tell her what I do. 75 00:04:53,179 --> 00:04:55,250 I thought it was an honorable profession. 76 00:04:55,315 --> 00:04:57,852 Well, that's no reason to shout it from the rooftops. 77 00:04:57,917 --> 00:05:00,796 Nobody cares what you do, Bernie. 78 00:05:00,854 --> 00:05:03,300 I'm sorry I'm late, Bob. But that was important. 79 00:05:03,356 --> 00:05:06,064 I had to interview a dental cleavage- technician. 80 00:05:06,126 --> 00:05:08,470 That's all rightjerry. The meetings over. 81 00:05:08,528 --> 00:05:12,032 So, what's the problem? Boy, you should've heard them talking before you got here. 82 00:05:12,098 --> 00:05:15,079 They figured it could be only three things- either you're bankrupt... 83 00:05:15,135 --> 00:05:17,206 - getting a divorce or dying. - [Chuckles] 84 00:05:19,606 --> 00:05:21,745 Can you lend me 1 O bucks? 85 00:05:21,808 --> 00:05:23,947 - Yeah, sureJerry. - Ten-spot. 86 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,851 Thanks. How's, uh, everything going between you and Emily? 87 00:05:30,917 --> 00:05:32,919 Fine. 88 00:05:48,535 --> 00:05:50,515 - More coffee anyone? - Yeah, I'll have some. 89 00:05:50,570 --> 00:05:53,449 - More muffins too if you've got 'em. - Happen to have 'em here, Morty. 90 00:05:53,506 --> 00:05:55,986 - Can I have another, uh, cup of coffee? - Sure, dear. 91 00:05:56,042 --> 00:05:58,420 Second cup of coffee. 92 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:03,061 - What, uh- What did you just write down? - Oh, it's not important. 93 00:06:03,116 --> 00:06:05,528 Uh, listen, Bob, I just want you to ignore me today. 94 00:06:05,585 --> 00:06:08,191 I mean, forget that I'm your sister. I'm a reporter. 95 00:06:08,254 --> 00:06:10,256 - And you're a shrink. - [Howard Knocking] I'm back! 96 00:06:10,323 --> 00:06:12,269 Come in, Howard. It's open. 97 00:06:12,325 --> 00:06:14,532 “ (Dug! 98 00:06:26,539 --> 00:06:29,349 - Are you okay? - Yeah, except for my knee and my- 99 00:06:29,409 --> 00:06:31,389 my shoulder and my forehead. 100 00:06:31,444 --> 00:06:33,924 Yeah, but I don't- I don't wanna ruin your day. 101 00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:36,392 I've learned to live with pain. 102 00:06:36,449 --> 00:06:39,123 - Would you like some bacon and eggs, Howard? - No, thank you. 103 00:06:39,185 --> 00:06:42,894 I'm in too much pain. I'll have some, uh- some toast though. 104 00:06:42,956 --> 00:06:45,129 I'll have his eggs. 105 00:06:45,191 --> 00:06:48,934 - Who's he? - Oh, Howard, I'd like you to meet my photographer, Morty. 106 00:06:48,995 --> 00:06:50,736 Oh, glad to meet you. 107 00:06:52,899 --> 00:06:55,106 You guys do a real great job, you know. 108 00:06:55,168 --> 00:06:58,615 I mean, without pictures in newspapers, newspapers would just be news. 109 00:06:58,671 --> 00:07:01,015 - Honey, can I see you in the kitchen? - Sure. 110 00:07:01,074 --> 00:07:04,248 Uh, I was talking to Bob. 111 00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:07,484 Oh, I'm sorry. When Ellen says “honey,“ she usually means me. 112 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:13,492 You know what I heard once? A picture's worth a thousand words. 113 00:07:13,553 --> 00:07:15,260 Would you pass the butter? 114 00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:17,858 You know, Bob, if you're gonna have your picture taken today... 115 00:07:17,924 --> 00:07:19,870 I don't think you oughta wear that tie. 116 00:07:19,926 --> 00:07:22,702 Why not? Uh, Ellen gave it to me. 117 00:07:22,762 --> 00:07:25,140 She must've given it to you as a joke. 118 00:07:26,966 --> 00:07:29,776 The reason you think it's a joke is because it's- it's daytime. 119 00:07:29,836 --> 00:07:32,316 I mean, at night, it glows in the dark. 120 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,653 Testing. Testing. Testing. 121 00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:41,055 You hear that? Why does everyone always say “testing, testing“ when they're testing? 122 00:07:41,114 --> 00:07:43,151 - J el ly. - [Howard] Well, I gotta go. 123 00:07:43,216 --> 00:07:46,857 I've gotta go soaring off into the sunrise. 124 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,866 It's my job, soaring. 125 00:07:50,790 --> 00:07:53,293 Are you gonna eat your toast? 126 00:07:53,359 --> 00:07:55,737 No, no. Thank you. Nice talking to you, Morty. 127 00:07:55,795 --> 00:07:58,503 Well, it was a thrill for me too. 128 00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:01,239 - [Bob ] I guess /'//go too. - I hope everything goes well today. 129 00:08:01,301 --> 00:08:05,443 Thanks. I'll ask him my first probing question on the way out. 130 00:08:05,505 --> 00:08:08,315 - Shoot. - You're not really gonna wear that tie, are ya? 131 00:08:10,810 --> 00:08:12,915 Oh, uh, come on, Morty. We're leaving. 132 00:08:12,979 --> 00:08:16,222 - You go ahead without me. I'll grab a cab. - Morty! 133 00:08:16,282 --> 00:08:18,853 - Oh, all right. - Did you have enough to eat, Morty? 134 00:08:18,918 --> 00:08:21,728 No, but we'll break for lunch early. 135 00:08:26,626 --> 00:08:29,402 - Hi, Phil. - I beg your pardon? 136 00:08:29,462 --> 00:08:32,671 - “Hi, Phil.“ - It's Dr. Newman. 137 00:08:32,732 --> 00:08:36,737 Let's conduct ourselves with a little decorum today. After all, this is press day. 138 00:08:36,803 --> 00:08:40,717 - Uh, when will Carol be back? - Soon, I hope. 139 00:08:40,773 --> 00:08:43,913 This place is a snake pit. 140 00:08:43,977 --> 00:08:47,288 Ah. Well, well, good morning, doctors. 141 00:08:47,347 --> 00:08:48,018 - Doctor. - Doctor. 142 00:08:48,081 --> 00:08:49,287 - Doctor. - Doctor. 143 00:08:49,349 --> 00:08:54,628 Sure, but try calling one in the middle of the night. 144 00:08:54,687 --> 00:08:57,224 Oh, good morning, doctors. 145 00:09:02,328 --> 00:09:05,036 Uh, Doctor, when do you think the press will get here? 146 00:09:05,098 --> 00:09:07,203 Well, Doctor, I hope very soon... 147 00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:12,512 otherwise they're gonna have to vacuum your head again. 148 00:09:12,572 --> 00:09:15,052 I wore this before at the last Christmas party. 149 00:09:15,108 --> 00:09:17,884 Oh, that's right. You were doing the Mexican hat dance... 150 00:09:17,944 --> 00:09:22,415 and it fell on the floor, and everybody thought it was a tarantula. 151 00:09:22,482 --> 00:09:26,624 Oh, look who's talking. I noticed you used a little eyebrow pencil this morning. 152 00:09:26,686 --> 00:09:28,632 You're full of it, Doctor. 153 00:09:28,688 --> 00:09:32,795 Some days his eyebrowsjust happen to be darker than others. 154 00:09:32,859 --> 00:09:37,069 Well, if you'll excuse me, doctors. I have some important doctor stuff to take care of. 155 00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:39,474 Got to fix my spit sink. 156 00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:42,513 [Elevator Bell Dings] 157 00:09:42,568 --> 00:09:46,072 Well, good morning, Doctor. And this must be your sister, Ellen. 158 00:09:46,139 --> 00:09:48,585 How do you do? lam Dr. Newman. 159 00:09:48,641 --> 00:09:50,643 -I know. Hi, Phil. - Oh. 160 00:09:50,710 --> 00:09:53,884 Welcome, welcome, to the Rimpau Medical Arts Building. 161 00:09:53,946 --> 00:09:56,654 Oh, well, thank you. You mind if we get off the elevator? 162 00:09:56,716 --> 00:09:58,889 Oh, certainly. Certainly. And-And if there's... 163 00:09:58,951 --> 00:10:01,522 anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable... 164 00:10:01,587 --> 00:10:03,533 you just talk to Dr. Tupperman. 165 00:10:03,589 --> 00:10:06,661 He's the little fella here with the tarantula on his head. 166 00:10:08,061 --> 00:10:11,201 Oh, my God, Bernie. Wh-What are you wearing? 167 00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:16,178 Come on, Bob. You've seen this jacket before. 168 00:10:17,437 --> 00:10:20,145 Does anybody know how to load this thing? 169 00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:24,647 - I can take a look at it. - Oh, thanks, Bob. 170 00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:26,918 Is there a coffee shop around here? 171 00:10:26,979 --> 00:10:28,959 - Yeah, d-downstairs. - Oh, fine. 172 00:10:29,015 --> 00:10:31,996 Call me when you get it loaded. I'm gonna grab a bite to eat. 173 00:10:32,051 --> 00:10:34,053 Morty, you just ate a half an hour ago. 174 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,294 Oh, no wonder I'm so hungry. 175 00:10:37,657 --> 00:10:41,628 Well, I guess I'll tape some interviews and have some pictures taken later. 176 00:10:41,694 --> 00:10:44,197 Well, why not, uh, start with plastic surgery? 177 00:10:44,263 --> 00:10:47,733 Why don't we mosey on down to the face-lift factory. 178 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,076 Uh, you could start with me. 179 00:10:50,136 --> 00:10:53,811 - My field is just as interesting as his. - What is your field? 180 00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:56,376 I'd rather not say. 181 00:10:56,442 --> 00:11:00,185 Why don't we let her start where she wants to start. 182 00:11:00,246 --> 00:11:02,487 I'm in 713. 183 00:11:02,548 --> 00:11:05,154 I thought that office was abandoned. 184 00:11:05,218 --> 00:11:09,598 There are more patients coming into my office than any other office in this building. 185 00:11:09,655 --> 00:11:12,499 NGVGI' 38W 0H6 come OUt. 186 00:11:13,993 --> 00:11:16,735 Phil, take a hike. 187 00:11:16,796 --> 00:11:20,938 Well, uh, I have to go to makeup- I mean, to work. 188 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,379 Work. I have to, uh, work. I work down here. 189 00:11:24,437 --> 00:11:27,418 Well, I guess I'll be going too. Oh, Gail- 190 00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:31,285 Uh, if the White House physician comes by with that specimen... 191 00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:35,019 uh, be sure to buzz me, will you? 192 00:11:35,081 --> 00:11:38,426 I wanna go home. 193 00:11:38,484 --> 00:11:40,760 Well, Morty's camera's all loaded. 194 00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:44,358 Why don't you come down to coffee shop with me and show him how to work it? 195 00:11:44,424 --> 00:11:46,370 That's not a bad idea. I'm starved. 196 00:11:46,426 --> 00:11:48,372 Morty ate my breakfast. 197 00:11:48,428 --> 00:11:50,408 Uh, Gail, can we bring you anything back? 198 00:11:50,463 --> 00:11:52,409 Uh, yeah, if you see ajelly doughnut. 199 00:11:52,465 --> 00:11:55,742 Oh, and if we, uh, see a Secret Service man with a bottle... 200 00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,782 we'll send him right up here. 201 00:12:08,314 --> 00:12:10,555 What's going on? 202 00:12:10,616 --> 00:12:14,564 I used to do divorce work. 203 00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:16,566 - HLJerFy. - Ellen, is that you? 204 00:12:16,622 --> 00:12:19,262 Yeah. Um, listen, do you mind if I interview you first? 205 00:12:19,325 --> 00:12:21,896 - No. No, go right ahead. - Ah, terrific. 206 00:12:21,961 --> 00:12:24,339 Uh, Ellen Hartley, Rimpau Medical Arts interview... 207 00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:27,105 with Dnjerry Robinson, orthodontist. 208 00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:30,443 All right, first of all, Dr. Robinson, what is orthodontia? 209 00:12:31,904 --> 00:12:34,043 What is orthodontia? 210 00:12:35,741 --> 00:12:37,778 What is life? 211 00:12:39,612 --> 00:12:41,592 I asked you first. 212 00:12:43,649 --> 00:12:48,120 What is orthodontia? Well, let's begin by saying... 213 00:12:48,187 --> 00:12:50,827 that it's not just fixing kids' teeth. 214 00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:53,928 It's hard work, it's sweat, and, yes... 215 00:12:53,993 --> 00:12:55,939 a certain amount of spit. 216 00:12:57,196 --> 00:13:00,336 - So, life is like spit? - Exactly. 217 00:13:02,101 --> 00:13:05,480 I wish I had a wider-angle lens. Part of your nose is out of the frame. 218 00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,183 Dr. Robinson, here's your m- 219 00:13:09,242 --> 00:13:11,449 Well, what a surprise. Ellen. You know... 220 00:13:11,511 --> 00:13:14,822 doctors do little favors like this for each other all the time. 221 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,452 It's called professional courtesy. It's part of the Hippocr- 222 00:13:17,517 --> 00:13:19,554 uh, the Hipp- uh- 223 00:13:19,619 --> 00:13:22,862 - You know, that oath that we all swear by. - The Hippocratic oath? 224 00:13:22,922 --> 00:13:25,402 That could be. 225 00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:27,665 Well, uh, Phil. I'm interviewingjerry right now. 226 00:13:27,727 --> 00:13:30,674 Oh, well, I'm sorry. I'll just get out of your way. 227 00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:33,108 I won't bother you a bit. 228 00:13:33,165 --> 00:13:37,773 Um, all righLjerry. Um, how do you determine when a kid needs braces? 229 00:13:37,837 --> 00:13:41,512 When his parents can come up with a couple of grand to pay for 'em. 230 00:13:41,574 --> 00:13:44,748 - Will you butt out, Phil? - Uh, Dr. Robin- 231 00:13:44,810 --> 00:13:47,791 Gee, I'm awful sorry. I didn't know that you had company. 232 00:13:47,847 --> 00:13:50,851 I don't. Company is something that you invite. 233 00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:54,592 Well, uh,jerry, remember that time you asked me about the history of urology? 234 00:13:54,654 --> 00:13:56,964 - No. - Well, I've done some research. 235 00:13:57,023 --> 00:14:00,561 Napoleon had a urologist following him through every campaign. 236 00:14:00,626 --> 00:14:03,197 Following?You mean leading. 237 00:14:03,262 --> 00:14:06,539 A-And did you know that nonspecific “uritis“... 238 00:14:06,599 --> 00:14:09,705 claimed the lives of15 Egyptian pharaohs? 239 00:14:09,769 --> 00:14:12,113 I heard it was 14. 240 00:14:12,171 --> 00:14:15,084 Tupperman, I didn't askyou about any of this stuff. 241 00:14:15,141 --> 00:14:17,143 Well, m-maybe there's somebody in the room... 242 00:14:17,209 --> 00:14:20,349 from the news media who might be interested. 243 00:14:20,413 --> 00:14:22,757 Oh, I am, Dr. Tupperman. But not right now. 244 00:14:22,815 --> 00:14:26,820 Uh, you know, the phones are all ringing off their hooks out there... 245 00:14:26,886 --> 00:14:30,060 but they're only patients, sol suppose it doesn't really matter. 246 00:14:30,122 --> 00:14:33,365 What's the matter with you guys? This is a working day. 247 00:14:33,426 --> 00:14:36,373 Jerry, that girl is back. She said you were supposed to interview her at I 0:00. 248 00:14:36,429 --> 00:14:40,138 - That's tonight. - She's early. 249 00:14:40,199 --> 00:14:43,772 Hi! Nice to see you again. Step into my, uh, office. 250 00:14:43,836 --> 00:14:46,578 Well, Ellen, it looks like we're gonna have a chance to talk. 251 00:14:46,639 --> 00:14:48,812 What is it you'd like to know? 252 00:14:48,874 --> 00:14:50,876 Excuse me. I have to file some X-rays. 253 00:14:50,943 --> 00:14:55,153 - Thank you. - I am not only after one thing. 254 00:14:55,214 --> 00:14:59,594 Have you seen my Phi Beta Kappa key? I seem to have misplaced it. 255 00:15:00,886 --> 00:15:02,763 No, I didn't spikeyour drink. 256 00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:09,640 Is this Jerry Robinson's office? 257 00:15:09,695 --> 00:15:14,007 - Over here. - Uh,jerry, there's a guy here to fix your spit sink. 258 00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:15,909 Will you show him where it is, please? 259 00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:18,778 I don't thinkyou can get there from here. 260 00:15:18,838 --> 00:15:20,840 [Muttering] 261 00:15:26,145 --> 00:15:28,216 Is this Candid Camera? 262 00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,087 Are you Allen Funt? 263 00:15:32,151 --> 00:15:35,394 Okay, let's have a nice, big group smile. 264 00:15:35,454 --> 00:15:37,434 Hi, everybody. 265 00:15:38,491 --> 00:15:40,437 Ellen, I'm glad I found you. 266 00:15:40,493 --> 00:15:43,372 You left your comb in the apartment. I thought you might need it. 267 00:15:43,429 --> 00:15:45,466 - [ Gasps] - Oh! My hand's stuck! 268 00:15:45,531 --> 00:15:48,102 [Clamoring] 269 00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:51,637 I wanna thank all of you for your cooperation. Come on, Morty. 270 00:15:51,704 --> 00:15:54,913 Let's get something to eat, I'm starved. 271 00:15:54,974 --> 00:15:57,648 Hold on, Ellen. There's something you should know about warts. 272 00:15:57,710 --> 00:16:00,714 Uh, it was 15 Egyptian pharaohs. I can prove it. 273 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:02,760 [Harris] I can't find my Nobel Peace Prize either. 274 00:16:02,815 --> 00:16:04,988 That's, uh, very nice of you to bring the comb. 275 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,053 - Well, I thought it might be important. - Yeah. 276 00:16:07,119 --> 00:16:09,998 If I were Carol, I'd go on vacation every week. 277 00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:15,905 What are you, like a dentist? 278 00:16:17,463 --> 00:16:20,342 - Orthodontist. - What's that? 279 00:16:20,399 --> 00:16:22,436 Orthodontia? 280 00:16:22,501 --> 00:16:25,175 Well, it's a lot like life- 281 00:16:25,237 --> 00:16:27,649 hard work, sweat and, yes... 282 00:16:27,707 --> 00:16:30,017 a certain amount of spit. 283 00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,078 I can see that. 284 00:16:40,486 --> 00:16:42,898 You understand it's just a first draft. 285 00:16:42,955 --> 00:16:45,492 I'm-I'm sure it's fine. 286 00:16:45,558 --> 00:16:48,698 I mean, they'll be a lot of changes in it before it appears in print. 287 00:16:48,761 --> 00:16:51,173 I can't read it with you looking over my shoulder. 288 00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:55,201 Well, I- I just wanted to know what you think. 289 00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,941 So far, it seems okay to me, except, uh... 290 00:16:58,003 --> 00:17:00,313 “Hartley“ is spelled L-E-Y. 291 00:17:01,507 --> 00:17:03,487 - How'd I spell it? - L-Y. 292 00:17:03,542 --> 00:17:06,819 -I did not! - You misspelled it every time. 293 00:17:06,879 --> 00:17:10,588 Uh, well, it's my name too. I can spell it whatever way I want to. 294 00:17:10,649 --> 00:17:13,425 - How come I'm not mentioned? - You are. 295 00:17:13,486 --> 00:17:16,092 - Where- Where is it? - Um, right there. 296 00:17:16,155 --> 00:17:18,135 - Where? - Oh, yeah. 297 00:17:18,190 --> 00:17:20,136 Uh, “Dr. Hartley is married.“ 298 00:17:22,194 --> 00:17:24,538 Well, I am married. 299 00:17:24,597 --> 00:17:27,601 L, uh-l had Gail run off some copies for the other doctors. 300 00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:30,579 - You, uh, will let me know what they think? - Yeah. 301 00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:33,549 - Let's go. I'm starving. - You sound like Morty. 302 00:17:33,606 --> 00:17:37,053 - See ya later, Bob. - See, uh, it's right there on the door. 303 00:17:37,109 --> 00:17:39,055 L- E-Y. 304 00:17:41,046 --> 00:17:44,186 Ellen, I just finished the article, and I think it is brilliant. 305 00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:47,197 - It's... really honest. - Gee, thanks, Gail. 306 00:17:47,253 --> 00:17:49,790 Um, would you guys mind if I joined you for lunch? 307 00:17:49,855 --> 00:17:51,835 - Sure. Come on. - Thank you. 308 00:17:51,891 --> 00:17:56,306 I, uh, don't think I wanna be here when the doctors read the article. 309 00:18:31,897 --> 00:18:35,435 Can I, uh, buy anybody a sarsaparilla? 310 00:18:39,171 --> 00:18:41,378 We read the article, Bob. 311 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:46,549 Oh. Oh, great. The, uh, copies came out clear, huh? 312 00:18:46,612 --> 00:18:49,957 - Very clear. - Great. Great. 313 00:18:50,015 --> 00:18:53,087 'Cause, you know, sometimes they come out a little- a little blurry. 314 00:18:54,153 --> 00:18:56,190 I mean, u-usually they don't. 315 00:18:57,489 --> 00:18:59,469 L-You know, I guess this time- 316 00:19:01,060 --> 00:19:03,836 is one of the times that they came out clear. 317 00:19:05,931 --> 00:19:09,208 It's a- It's a real good copying machine. 318 00:19:11,871 --> 00:19:13,817 We were- 319 00:19:13,873 --> 00:19:16,114 We were real smart to invest in it. 320 00:19:19,111 --> 00:19:21,057 Y-You guys mad or something? 321 00:19:21,113 --> 00:19:25,027 Mad? Why should we be mad?just because your sister made us look like a bunch of quacks? 322 00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:28,122 She called me “a Hippocratic oaf.“ 323 00:19:29,622 --> 00:19:32,364 She called me “portly and diminutive.“ 324 00:19:32,424 --> 00:19:35,337 Where did she come off telling my age? 325 00:19:35,394 --> 00:19:38,500 Said I spent the whole day trying to straighten out my love life. 326 00:19:38,564 --> 00:19:40,566 It's not straightened out. 327 00:19:43,202 --> 00:19:45,614 - Nobody came off well. - Yeah, well, you did, Bob. 328 00:19:45,671 --> 00:19:47,582 Sure, why not? He's her brother. 329 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,517 She, uh- She misspelled my name. 330 00:19:49,575 --> 00:19:51,953 I don't want my mother to see this article. 331 00:19:52,011 --> 00:19:53,957 But I want my lawyer to see it. 332 00:19:54,013 --> 00:19:56,357 This thing better be changed before it goes to press, Bob. 333 00:19:56,415 --> 00:20:00,727 Change it, or you'll rue the clay you rented space in this building. 334 00:20:00,786 --> 00:20:02,993 Look, uh, Ellen wrote that the way she saw it. 335 00:20:03,055 --> 00:20:05,331 And, uh, I'm not gonna ask her to change it. 336 00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:07,735 And I'd be disappointed in herifshe did. 337 00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:16,145 You know what I think, Bob? I don't think you're man enough to stand up to her. 338 00:20:16,201 --> 00:20:18,704 I think you're yellow. 339 00:20:20,839 --> 00:20:22,785 You bushwhacked us, Bob. 340 00:20:22,841 --> 00:20:26,550 You've got till sundown to have this article changed. 341 00:20:36,622 --> 00:20:38,568 Bernie! 342 00:20:38,624 --> 00:20:41,400 They went thataway. 343 00:20:50,869 --> 00:20:54,476 It seems like Howard's been at that all-night newsstand all night. 344 00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:58,317 Oh, he's so cute. He's like an expectant father. 345 00:20:58,377 --> 00:21:00,823 [Sighs] I just wish he'd get here. 346 00:21:00,879 --> 00:21:03,826 Ellen, take it easy. You wrote the article. You know what's in it. 347 00:21:03,882 --> 00:21:07,386 Oh, I know, Bob. But- You know, it's different when you see it in print... 348 00:21:07,453 --> 00:21:09,865 with all the spelling corrected. 349 00:21:09,922 --> 00:21:12,198 You know, actually there is- 350 00:21:12,257 --> 00:21:15,431 There is something I meant to talk to you about now that you've... 351 00:21:15,494 --> 00:21:17,474 you know, put the article to sleep. 352 00:21:17,529 --> 00:21:19,531 - “To bed,“ Bob. - Right. 353 00:21:20,766 --> 00:21:23,246 Uh, everybody at the office wasn't... 354 00:21:23,302 --> 00:21:26,306 altogether enthusiastic about it. 355 00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:28,613 They, uh- They wanted to change some things... 356 00:21:28,674 --> 00:21:30,676 like my face. 357 00:21:30,743 --> 00:21:32,814 Yeah, I, um- 358 00:21:32,878 --> 00:21:35,381 I reread it and made some changes on my own. 359 00:21:35,447 --> 00:21:37,688 Oh, I'm really glad you did, because, you know... 360 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,889 there were some things that even bothered me. 361 00:21:39,952 --> 00:21:43,490 You know, like this part where you call Phil Newman... 362 00:21:43,555 --> 00:21:45,660 “the sultan of silicone.“ 363 00:21:47,526 --> 00:21:49,972 I didn't change that. 364 00:21:50,029 --> 00:21:52,134 Wh-What about- What about Dr. Harris? 365 00:21:52,197 --> 00:21:55,007 Oh, yeah, I felt that I treated her with kid gloves. 366 00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:58,276 So, um, I added that she was pretentious and seemed to be... 367 00:21:58,337 --> 00:22:01,079 more concerned with herself than with the practice of medicine. 368 00:22:02,808 --> 00:22:05,254 Oh, she'll- She'll like that much better. 369 00:22:07,479 --> 00:22:09,618 Did you change any of the stuff about Bob? 370 00:22:09,681 --> 00:22:13,993 Yeah. I added that, um, “Dr. Hartley's therapeutic technique... 371 00:22:14,053 --> 00:22:16,431 was effective but unspectacular.“ 372 00:22:16,488 --> 00:22:19,162 And I took out the crack about the ugly tie. 373 00:22:19,224 --> 00:22:21,170 Told you it was ugly. 374 00:22:21,226 --> 00:22:22,899 You gave me that tie. 375 00:22:22,961 --> 00:22:24,998 I gave it to you as a joke. 376 00:22:27,232 --> 00:22:30,270 - [Knocking] - Uh, come in, Howard. It's open. 377 00:22:30,335 --> 00:22:32,975 Oh, no, Bob, I'm not gonna fall for that again. 378 00:22:35,407 --> 00:22:38,581 Come on. Let him in. Let him in. 379 00:22:38,644 --> 00:22:41,955 - Oh, that smarts! - What happened this time? 380 00:22:42,014 --> 00:22:45,393 Uh, I got hit by the newspaper when they threw 'em off the truck. 381 00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,397 _ Oh_ - Are you okay? 382 00:22:47,453 --> 00:22:49,433 Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. 383 00:22:49,488 --> 00:22:52,196 They say when you get old, you don't need your shins. 384 00:22:53,425 --> 00:22:55,462 Don't worry about me. just read the article. 385 00:22:55,527 --> 00:22:58,906 - Well, I can'tfind it. - Here it is. It's in the “Good Neighbor“ column. 386 00:22:58,964 --> 00:23:03,003 Oh, yeah. Right next to the, uh, shipping arrivals. 387 00:23:03,068 --> 00:23:05,605 There we all are injerrys office. 388 00:23:05,671 --> 00:23:08,379 That's not my article. it's just a picture. 389 00:23:09,708 --> 00:23:12,120 “Today's Good Neighbors.“ 390 00:23:12,177 --> 00:23:17,126 “Doctors pitch in to help plumber Roland Snead, 44... 391 00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:20,752 “repair a spit sink... 392 00:23:22,521 --> 00:23:26,025 “in the true spirit of the Windy City. 393 00:23:26,091 --> 00:23:28,901 Snead is left-handed and a widower.“ 394 00:23:30,529 --> 00:23:32,304 I broke my shins for that? 395 00:23:32,364 --> 00:23:34,344 I guess the editor didn't like it. 396 00:23:34,399 --> 00:23:36,675 Or maybe there was a fast-breaking news story. 397 00:23:36,735 --> 00:23:39,147 Yeah, yeah. That's it. H-Here it is. 398 00:23:39,204 --> 00:23:43,448 “Chicago may get azalea festival.“ 399 00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:47,423 Hey, that sounds exciting! Boy, maybe my shins will be better by then. 400 00:23:47,479 --> 00:23:49,425 They will be, Howard. 401 00:23:49,481 --> 00:23:51,893 They say your shins are the first to go. 402 00:23:51,950 --> 00:23:54,089 Not in your case, Howard. 403 00:23:58,624 --> 00:24:03,573 In conclusion, since I regard psychology as a serious... 404 00:24:03,629 --> 00:24:05,836 albeit unspectacular profession... 405 00:24:05,898 --> 00:24:08,606 I cannot accept the invitation to attend... 406 00:24:08,667 --> 00:24:11,614 your Psychology Day picnic and carnival... 407 00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:14,674 nor will I participate as a contestant... 408 00:24:14,740 --> 00:24:16,811 in the primal scream-off. 409 00:24:19,111 --> 00:24:21,216 [Knocking] 410 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,385 Come in. 411 00:24:23,448 --> 00:24:25,587 - Hi, Bob. - Oh, hi, Morty. 412 00:24:25,651 --> 00:24:27,961 Here are those pictures you ordered. 413 00:24:28,020 --> 00:24:30,261 - You didn't have to bring them yourself. - It's my pleasure. 414 00:24:30,322 --> 00:24:33,166 I was in the neighborhood. I'm on my way to a fire. 415 00:24:34,226 --> 00:24:36,467 Well, I- I appreciate it. 416 00:24:36,528 --> 00:24:38,735 That's all right. I do have a problem though. 417 00:24:38,797 --> 00:24:42,643 L-I won't be able to take pictures of the fire unless- 418 00:24:49,841 --> 00:24:52,378 Yeah, I'll- I'll load it for you, Morty. 419 00:24:52,444 --> 00:24:55,789 Thanks, Bob. You get it loaded, and, uh... 420 00:24:55,847 --> 00:24:57,952 I'll be in the coffee shop. 421 00:25:31,183 --> 00:25:32,491 [ Mews] 35301

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