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�� [THEME]
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UH-OH.
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HERE'S ANOTHER NEW WORD
I CAN LOOK UP. "MELLIFLUOUS."
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WHEN DID YOU START
LOOKING UP WORDS, GEORGE?
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REMEMBER LAST WEEK
WHEN MY FRIEND DUTCH
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HAD HIS APPENDIX OUT?
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I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEY
SAID HE WAS IN THE SOLARIUM.
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WELL, A COLD CHILL
WENT UP MY SPINE.
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I SAID, "OH LORD,
DUTCH HAS LOST HIS MIND."
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BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
THE SOLARIUM TURNED OUT TO BE?
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A SUN-ROOM.
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THAT'S RIGHT.
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WELL, IF I'D KNOWN THAT
DUTCH WAS JUST GETTING A TAN,
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I-- I WOULDN'T'VE RUN
SCREAMING DOWN THE HALL.
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I LOOKED STRANGE, DICK.
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THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED,
FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA LOOK UP
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ALL THE WORDS I DON'T KNOW.
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OOH, MY MARMALADE'S
TOUCHING MY EGGS.
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I HATE THAT. I HATE IT,
I HATE IT, I HATE IT.
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DON'T YOU THINK
STEPHANIE IS BEING
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A LITTLE TOO FASTIDIOUS?
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00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,261
"HAVING HIGH STANDARDS."
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00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,796
I LOOKED THAT UP
YESTERDAY, DICK.
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00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,367
YOU KEEP IT UP, YOU'RE GONNA BE
A REGULAR THESAURUS.
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BE RIGHT BACK.
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DICK. OH, HI, JOANNA.
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HI, MICHAEL.
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DICK, I HAVE
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU.
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WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE DESSERT?
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STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.
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NO, PIE.
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GEE, I REALLY THOUGHT
I HAD THAT ONE.
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- WHY-- WHY PIE?
- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I TOLD
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THE PIE BAKE-OFF COMMITTEE,
AND I MADE YOU HEAD JUDGE.
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WELL, I DON'T
WANT TO BE A JUDGE.
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WHO DOES?
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BUT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY
TO PUBLICIZE YOUR SHOW.
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LOOK, MICHAEL, I--
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THAT'S NOT THE IMAGE
I WANT FOR THE SHOW.
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IT'S NOT DIGNIFIED.
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00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,209
I MEAN, JUDGING PIES
IS NOT SOMETHING THAT, SAY,
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EDWARD R. MURROW
WOULD'VE DONE.
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I HAPPEN TO KNOW
HE WOULD'VE, DICK.
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00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,148
NO, HE WOULDN'T.
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00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:06,017
YES, HE WOULD.
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00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,352
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
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00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,821
DICK, WE CAN GO ROUND AND ROUND
WITH THIS ALL DAY.
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THE POINT IS, DO MORE OF THESE
PROMOTIONAL-TYPE EVENTS,
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00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:15,993
AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO ATTRACT
THE BIG NAMES TO VERMONT TODAY.
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NOT SLEEPING PILLS LIKE
THAT WRITER WE'VE GOT SUNDAY.
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00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,533
GABRIELLA PUDNEY.
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- WHO?
- EXACTLY.
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MICHAEL, CAN'T YOU
GET ME OUT OF THIS CONTEST?
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IT'D BE A LOT EASIER
IF THEY'D ASKED FOR YOU
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IN THE FIRST PLACE,
DICK, BUT...
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YOU SORT OF VOLUNTEERED.
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WELL, ALL RIGHT.
AS LONG AS I'M GETTING
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WHAT I WANTED.
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MICHAEL, I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOUR VOICE.
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00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,387
- STEPHANIE, HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M OKAY NOW BUT I HAD
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- MARMALADE TOUCHING MY EGGS.
- OH, I HATE THAT.
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- I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
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HARLEY? HARLEY ESTIN?
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HELLO, JOANNA.
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00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,704
- HI, BEAVER BROTHER.
- HELLO, HARLEY.
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00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:01,539
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AT THE BEAVER LODGE.
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00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,441
YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T
WANT TO RUN THE RISK
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OF OVER-BEAVERING.
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00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,846
HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME.
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I ALMOST DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU, HARLEY.
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YOU LOOK REALLY HANDSOME
IN THAT SUIT.
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00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:16,988
WOW, THEN I'VE BEEN HANDSOME
FOR THREE DAYS NOW.
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00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,990
HOW'S THE--
HOW'S THE JOB HUNTING GOING?
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00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,492
PRETTY GOOD-- I GOT ONE.
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00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,627
CONGRATULATIONS.
WHEN DO YOU START?
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00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,297
WELL, I'M SORTA
DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
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EXACTLY WHAT IS IT
YOU'RE DOING, HARLEY?
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00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,269
OH, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
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00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,104
AND IT'S GOT
YOUR NAME ON IT.
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00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,039
HONEY, ISN'T THAT CUTE?
HE'S GOT A LITTLE SALES PITCH
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AND EVERYTHING.
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HERE IT IS.
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00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,844
THIS DOES
HAVE MY NAME ON IT.
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00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,747
YEAH. IT'S A SUBPOENA.
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00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:48,186
WHAT?
86
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,087
- I'M BEING SUED.
- FOR WHAT?
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00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:53,191
I'LL TELL YOU
AS SOON AS I FIND OUT.
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00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,759
[HARLEY COUGHS]
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00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,260
WHAT IS IT, HARLEY?
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00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:59,063
WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO SELL
TICKETS TO THE BEAVER PICNIC.
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00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:02,567
AND, UH, I FIGURE, WELL,
TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE,
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00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,637
YOU KNOW?
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00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,172
HARLEY.
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00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:10,174
GO HOME.
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00:05:10,176 --> 00:05:12,811
OKAY.
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00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,279
I-- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I'M BEING SUED FOR PLAGIARISM.
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00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:16,348
WHAT?
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00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,451
I FOUND OUT
WHAT "THESAURUS" MEANS.
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00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,486
WHAT'S TRANSPIRING HERE,
IF I'M NOT BEING
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00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,822
TOO MUCH OF A THESAURUS?
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00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:27,158
SOMEONE'S ACCUSING DICK
OF PLAGIARISM.
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BE RIGHT BACK.
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00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,764
THEY SAY I STOLE
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00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,800
HOW TO SEAL, GROUT, AND PLUMBYOUR WAY TO A DREAM BATHROOM.
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00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:37,168
WELL, THAT'S ABSURD.
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00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,270
DON'T GET EXCITED. THIS HAPPENS
TO WRITERS ALL THE TIME.
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00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,439
PROBABLY JUST SOME
POOR, PATHETIC, MISGUIDED--
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THEY'RE SUING FOR
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.
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00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:46,878
BLOODSUCKING LEECH.
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00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,316
NELSON, I NEVER HEARD
OF THIS GUY.
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00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:53,918
I NEVER READ HIS BOOK.
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00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,186
I MEAN,
I THOUGHT OF THIS MYSELF.
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I TYPED IT MYSELF.
I'M INNOCENT.
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DICK, THIS IS
ALL VERY USEFUL.
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00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:01,826
A LAWYER LOVES TO SEE
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00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:04,128
THIS KIND OF CONVICTION
IN THE CLIENT.
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00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:07,064
IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES,
FACING WHAT YOU'RE FACING,
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00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:09,967
I'D BE A QUIVERING
MASS OF NERVES.
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00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:13,371
YOU-- YOU WOULD?
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00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,973
SEE, THAT'S WHAT
I HATE ABOUT THIS.
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00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:18,910
YOU'RE A PERFECTLY NICE,
INNOCENT MAN.
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00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,713
AND THIS FARMER,
WHITLEY McVEIGH, COMES ALONG.
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00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,882
HE HASN'T WRITTEN
ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE.
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00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,884
HE'S GOT NO CASE WHATSOEVER.
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00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,720
BUT BECAUSE HE'S FINISHED
WITH HIS PLOWING,
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00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,389
HE SLAPS A LAWSUIT ON YOU.
IT JUST GALLS ME, DICK.
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00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,158
I-- I LOVE YOUR CONVICTION.
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00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,028
THE MAN IS A NUISANCE.
A NOBODY, A NOTHING.
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00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,731
A BLOODSUCKING LEECH, RIGHT.
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00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:43,200
DOESN'T DESERVE TO SHARE
THE SAME PLANET WITH YOU.
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00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:45,470
AND THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE
A GUY LIKE THIS, DICK,
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IS TO SETTLE.
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00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,510
DICK,
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00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:55,947
SETTLING IS
THE ONLY WAY TO GO.
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00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,315
BUT-- BUT I'M INNOCENT.
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00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:58,983
NO. YOU'RE COMING AT THIS
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00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,985
WITH A LAYMAN'S
POINT OF VIEW.
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00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:04,288
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
CONFUSING INNOCENT...
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00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,992
WITH NOT GUILTY.
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00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,694
I-- I GUESS
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00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,830
THEY'RE LIGHT-YEARS APART.
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00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,466
WELCOME TO MY WORLD, DICK.
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00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,801
SEE. WHAT YOU HAVE HERE
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00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:18,837
IS A LARGE WINDOW
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00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:22,507
OF VULNERABILITY.
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00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:26,043
AND I-- I DON'T WANT THAT.
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00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:28,580
IF WE GO TO COURT ON THIS,
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00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,515
YOU STAND TO LOSE
EVERYTHING YOU OWN,
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00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,617
AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
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00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,086
IF WE SETTLE...
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00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:39,056
WE'LL MAKE THEM SORRY
THEY EVER STARTED UP WITH US.
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00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,092
DICK, DICK,
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00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,794
I HATE IT, TOO.
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00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,896
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW
155
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:48,032
WHY I STAY
IN THIS PROFESSION.
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00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,768
IT'S PROBABLY THE MONEY.
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00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,103
YEAH, BUT I--
I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE.
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00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,305
I-- I WANT TO FIGHT IT.
I WANT TO BE VINDICATED.
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00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,474
AND-- AND I WANT
TO SEND WHITLEY McVEIGH
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00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,342
TO THE GAS CHAMBER.
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00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:02,046
DICK. SIT DOWN, PLEASE.
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00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,281
NOW, WE HAVE
TWO OPTIONS HERE.
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00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:07,719
THE FIRST OPTION IS,
WE SETTLE.
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00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:10,154
NOW, I ONCE GOT A REQUEST
FOR HALF A MILLION DOLLARS
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00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,624
KNOCKED DOWN TO $3500.
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00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:15,393
TURNS ALL THE GUY WANTED
WAS A SPEEDBOAT.
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00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:19,063
COULD HAPPEN HERE.
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00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,598
THE OTHER OPTION,
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00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,701
THE ONE THAT YOU SPOKE
SO ELOQUENTLY FOR,
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00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:25,603
WE GO TO COURT.
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00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:29,040
YOUR NAME IS DRAGGED
THROUGH THE MUD.
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00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,543
WE COULD END UP
PAYING THE HALF MILLION.
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00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:32,877
YOU'RE BRANDED FOR LIFE,
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00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,747
AND YOU NEVER
GET PUBLISHED AGAIN.
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00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:39,083
HECK. I'M FLEXIBLE ON THIS.
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00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:44,388
WHICH ONE
SOUNDS GOOD TO YOU?
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00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,593
WELL, HOW'S IT GOING?
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00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,361
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
NELSON'S MAKING SOME--
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00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,730
--SOME PHONE CALLS.
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00:08:52,732 --> 00:08:55,433
WE'RE, UH, GOING TO SETTLE.
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00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,936
WHAT? DICK, YOU'RE INNOCENT.
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00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,404
I KNOW, BUT APPARENTLY I'M--
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00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,674
I'M NOT NOT GUILTY.
184
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,776
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I THOUGHT THIS McVEIGH GUY
185
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:05,977
DOESN'T HAVE A CASE.
186
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,179
HE DOESN'T,
BUT IT SEEMS I HAVE THIS
187
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:11,015
BIG, VULNERABLE WINDOW.
188
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,852
HONEY, TRUST ME,
GOING TO COURT
189
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:17,121
IS THE LAST THING
WE WANT TO DO.
190
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,924
DICK. THEY WON'T SETTLE.
191
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:22,660
WE GO TO COURT!
192
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,170
DICK?
193
00:09:33,172 --> 00:09:35,206
DICK, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
194
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:39,176
NO.
195
00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:42,647
"DICK LOUDON
SUED FOR PLAGIARISM."
196
00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:45,883
WHEN DID THEY
START USING RED INK?
197
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,619
ACTUALLY, HONEY,
THE STORY ITSELF
198
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,121
IS PRETTY IMPARTIAL.
199
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:53,190
CONTINUED ON PAGE 6,
SEE "THIEF."
200
00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:57,862
WELL, THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I TAKE MY LIPS
201
00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,430
TO PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF.
202
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,832
WHAT?
203
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,034
I WAS BUYING LIP LINER
THIS MORNING,
204
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,568
AND THE PHARMACIST
WAS TELLING EVERYBODY
205
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,638
THAT HE'S NOT SURPRISED
YOU'RE A PLAGIARIST
206
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,373
BECAUSE HE ONCE SAW YOU
POCKET A ROLL OF LIFESAVERS.
207
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,042
ERNIE SAID THAT?
208
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,011
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?
209
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,746
I MEAN, FOR TWO YEARS
I'VE BEEN SHOPPING THERE.
210
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,380
WE EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
211
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:19,250
AND NEVER IN ALL THAT TIME
HAVE I ONCE MENTIONED THE FACT
212
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,486
THAT HE HAS A NOSE
YOU COULD OPEN CANS WITH.
213
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:24,922
I STOOD UP FOR YOU, DICK.
I TOLD HIM YOU WERE INNOCENT,
214
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:26,991
AND HE WAS PETTY, AND HIS
SELECTION OF LIP LINERS
215
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:29,560
WAS A MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT,
AND I STORMED OUT.
216
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,730
SOUNDS YOU REALLY
CHOPPED HIM OFF AT THE KNEES.
217
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:36,067
- HI THERE.
- HI, MICHAEL.
218
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,501
STEPHANIE, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
THIS MORNING.
219
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:38,703
EXCEPT FOR MY LIPS.
220
00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:42,206
OH YES. THEY'RE UNLINED.
221
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,711
DICK, REMEMBER THAT
PIE-JUDGING CONTEST
222
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:49,814
YOU WERE SO
DEAD-SET AGAINST.
223
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,316
PULLED SOME STRINGS.
GOT YOU OUT OF IT.
224
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,319
OH, AND THAT WRITER YOU WERE
IFFY ON, GABRIELLA PUDNEY?
225
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:56,320
86-ED.
226
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,422
MICHAEL.
227
00:10:58,424 --> 00:10:59,757
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
228
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,726
NOTHING. JUST TRYING
TO KEEP YOU HAPPY, DICK.
229
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:04,896
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I WANTED
TO JUDGE THE PIE CONTEST,
230
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,065
AND I DEMAND TO INTERVIEW
GABRIELLA PUDNEY.
231
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,900
WELL...
232
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,669
YOU COULDN'T GET THE PIE CONTEST
NOW IF YOU BEGGED.
233
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,037
AND GABRIELLA CANCELED.
234
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,272
SHE SAID SHE WAS AFRAID
YOU MIGHT LOOT AND PILLAGE
235
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:16,774
HER LIFE'S WORK.
236
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:20,078
ARTICULATE GAL.
WOULD'VE MADE A FINE GUEST.
237
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,412
WHO IS DOING THE SHOW?
238
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,681
ACTUALLY, DICK. NOT YOU.
239
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,583
- WHAT?
- YOU MEAN DICK IS FIRED?
240
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,452
HE'S NOT EXACTLY FIRED, JOANNA.
MORE LIKE "ON LEAVE."
241
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:30,287
IN THE ARMY,
PEOPLE CLAMOR FOR THAT.
242
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,590
YEAH, BUT WHY IS DICK
OFF THE SHOW?
243
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,225
WELL, SOME OF THE GUYS
AT THE STATION--
244
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,893
NOT ME--
245
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,695
FEEL THAT A TELEVISION HOST
HAS TO BE WELCOME
246
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,030
IN THEIR LIVING ROOMS.
AND DICK WON'T BE
247
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,398
IF THEY'RE AFRAID
HE MIGHT STEAL AN ASHTRAY.
248
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,868
DICK HAS NEVER STOLEN
ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE.
249
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,803
THIS WHOLE THING
REALLY STINKS.
250
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:49,273
JOANNA, PLEASE.
MICHAEL, THIS WHOLE THING...
251
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,308
STINKS.
252
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:53,010
MICHAEL, I AM SEEING
A SIDE OF YOU THAT,
253
00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:55,379
UP UNTIL NOW,
I'VE MANAGED TO IGNORE.
254
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:58,182
BUT IF THE MAN I LOVE
CAN'T SUPPORT MY GOOD FRIENDS,
255
00:11:58,184 --> 00:11:59,717
THEN I'M JUST...
256
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,720
UPSET.
257
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,988
STEPHANIE.
258
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,723
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK.
259
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,425
DON'T CALL ME.
DON'T TRY TO SEE ME.
260
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:12,096
AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN
GET TO ME BY SENDING ME GIFTS,
261
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:15,699
I GUESS I CAN'T STOP YOU.
262
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:24,275
GOOD TURNOUT.
263
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,580
OH, HERE COMES
THE OPPOSITION NOW.
264
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,585
THAT'S WHITLEY McVEIGH.
265
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,453
MM-HMM.
266
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,022
I'D LIKE TO GIVE HIM
A PIECE OF MY MIND.
267
00:12:38,024 --> 00:12:40,191
NO. BAD FORM, DICK.
268
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,860
LOOK, THE REASON
YOU HIRED ME
269
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:44,829
IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR WAY AROUND A COURTROOM.
270
00:12:44,831 --> 00:12:46,497
I DO.
271
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,033
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO
ANYTHING HERE WITHOUT MY SAY-SO.
272
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:52,603
I AM YOUR ONLY FRIEND.
YOU GOT THAT?
273
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,571
GOT IT.
274
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:56,740
HEY, ARLEEN!
275
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:59,476
THANKS FOR THE OPERA TICKETS.
THEY WERE JUST GREAT SEATS!
276
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:01,545
GLAD YOU COULD USE 'EM.
277
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,685
YOU-- YOU WANT TO ASK THEM
278
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,586
TO SIT WITH US?
279
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,530
[HIGH-PITCHED]
HI, MY NAME IS CORKY.
280
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,301
HI, CORKY.
281
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,204
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, AND I'D
LIKE TO GO HOME WITH YOU,
282
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,839
AND I'D LIKE TO BRING
MY FRIEND MICHAEL,
283
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,941
BECAUSE HE'S A SWELL GUY.
284
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:34,745
WOULD YOU PLEASE READ
THE LETTER THAT WAS SENT TO YOU
285
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:38,349
BY MR. LOUDON'S PUBLISHER?
286
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,551
"DEAR MR. McVEIGH--"
287
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,754
"DEAR." HAH!
288
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,224
"THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING
'BATHROOM REPAIR'
289
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:50,094
"FOR OUR CONSIDERATION.
290
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:53,264
"UNFORTUNATELY,
IT DOES NOT--
291
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:56,800
IT DOES NOT MEET OUR NEEDS
AT THE PRESENT TIME."
292
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,171
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
293
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,706
IT'S JUST ANOTHER
FANCY-PANTS WAY OF SAYING
294
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,676
"TOUGH DARTS, FARMER."
295
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,478
MR. McVEIGH, TELL US.
296
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,846
WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT
297
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,849
MR. LOUDON'S
DREAM BATHROOM BOOK?
298
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,851
IT WAS ABOUT
THREE MONTHS AGO.
299
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,686
I WENT INTO
THE HARDWARE STORE,
300
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,121
AND I SAW THIS BOOK
301
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:20,624
WITH A FUNNY-LOOKING GUY
ON THE BACK COVER.
302
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:22,626
IT WAS HIM!
303
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:24,996
OBJECTION TO
THE CHARACTERIZATION
304
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:28,165
OF MY CLIENT
AS FUNNY-LOOKING!
305
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,977
SUSTAINED.
306
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:41,312
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
307
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,114
WELL, I BOUGHT THE BOOK.
308
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,249
IT WAS THE SAME TOPIC
AS MINE.
309
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:46,984
HAD THE SAME NUMBER
OF CHAPTERS.
310
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,920
SAME PUBLISHER.
SAME EVERYTHING.
311
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:52,123
WELL, ABOUT A WEEK LATER,
IT HIT ME.
312
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,225
HE STOLE MY BOOK!
313
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,793
OBJECTION.
314
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,261
SUSTAINED.
315
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,562
YOUR WITNESS.
316
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,265
THANK YOU.
317
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,935
MR. McVEIGH.
318
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:07,405
DON'T YOU THINK THAT
A HALF MILLION DOLLARS
319
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,208
IS AN EXORBITANT
AMOUNT OF MONEY?
320
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:12,576
EXORBITANT?
321
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,113
EXCESSIVE. BEYOND REASON.
322
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,685
MR. UTLEY, LET ME ASK YOU.
323
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:25,423
WHY DOES MR. LOUDON REQUIRE
THE SERVICES OF A HANDYMAN?
324
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,758
UH, TO DO STUFF
AROUND THE INN.
325
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,995
BUT MR. LOUDON IS
A HOW-TO EXPERT, ISN'T HE?
326
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:33,864
WHY DOESN'T HE DO STUFF
AROUND THE INN HIMSELF?
327
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,799
WELL, I NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
328
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:37,501
I GUESS MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE
329
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,537
DICK ISN'T REAL HANDY.
330
00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:42,039
OH, HE ISN'T?
331
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,708
NO, HE DOES KEEP SAYING,
332
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,710
"THOSE WHO CAN DO,
333
00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:49,246
"AND THOSE WHO CAN'T
WRITE BOOKS
334
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:50,948
"TELLING PEOPLE WHO DO
335
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:54,185
HOW TO DO THE THINGS
THEY DO DO."
336
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,722
I BELIEVE THAT EXPRESSION
IS BORROWED FROM
337
00:15:58,724 --> 00:15:59,991
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW'S
338
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:03,394
"HE WHO CAN DOES,
HE WHO CANNOT TEACHES."
339
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,296
NOW, WAIT,
I THINK THAT SHAW GUY
340
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,663
MUST'VE GOT THAT FROM DICK,
341
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:10,634
'CAUSE THAT HAS DICK LOUDON
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
342
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,170
THANK YOU, MR. UTLEY.
343
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,639
MR. LOUDON, I'D LIKE
TO READ A LITTLE TO YOU,
344
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,874
IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
345
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,409
SURE.
346
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,978
DO YOU HAVE TREASURE ISLAND?
347
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,416
NO, BUT YOU SHOULD
STILL FIND IT INTERESTING
348
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,784
IF I'M READING
FROM YOUR BOOK.
349
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:33,891
"TO CHANGE
THE FAUCET HANDLE,
350
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,960
SIMPLY REMOVE BOTH SCREWS."
351
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:39,296
DO YOU REMEMBER WRITING THAT?
352
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:42,066
WELL, IT'S NOT
MY BEST STUFF, BUT UH--
353
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,567
HOW ABOUT,
354
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:46,003
"YOU SHOULD
CHOOSE THE SHOWERHEAD
355
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,639
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU."
356
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,108
GUILTY.
357
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:53,110
AND I HAVE ONE MORE.
358
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:56,880
"CLEAN THE TILE CAREFULLY
WITH A DAMP CLOTH."
359
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:59,517
SURE SOUNDS LIKE ME AGAIN.
360
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,218
YOUR HONOR,
LET THE RECORD SHOW
361
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:04,055
THAT THE PASSAGES THAT
I HAVE JUST READ ALOUD,
362
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,823
WHICH MR. LOUDON
IDENTIFIED AS HIS OWN,
363
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:08,125
ARE FROM PAGES...
364
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:11,662
6, 14, AND 29
365
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,964
OF BATHROOM REPAIR,
366
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,333
WRITTEN BY
MR. WHITLEY McVEIGH.
367
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:19,136
OH NO!
368
00:17:19,138 --> 00:17:20,704
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
369
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,174
REDIRECT, YOUR HONOR?
370
00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:31,014
DICK, I'M, UH...
TAKING A NEW TACK.
371
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:34,985
STAY WITH ME ON THIS.
372
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:38,956
MR. LOUDON.
373
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,991
IF YOU WANTED TO REMOVE
374
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:44,361
THE FAUCET HANDLES
IN THE BATHROOM,
375
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,698
WHAT'S THE FIRST THING
YOU WOULD DO?
376
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,633
UH, REMOVE THE TWO SCREWS.
377
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:52,903
AH. AH.
378
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,107
AND IF YOU WANTED
TO ADVISE SOMEONE
379
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,375
ON BUYING A NEW SHOWERHEAD,
380
00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:01,412
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
THAT HE PICK ONE OUT THAT WAS,
381
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,914
SAY, WRONG FOR HIM?
382
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,153
NOT GENERALLY.
383
00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:11,422
MOST PEOPLE ARE
HAPPIER WITH, SAY,
384
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,724
ONE THAT'S RIGHT FOR THEM.
385
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,793
AND WHAT'S THE BEST WAY
TO CLEAN TILE?
386
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:19,196
SEND IT OUT
TO THE DRY CLEANERS?
387
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:22,099
OR YOU COULD RUN IT
THROUGH A CAR WASH.
388
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,838
ACTUALLY, THE BEST WAY IS
TO WIPE IT WITH A WET CLOTH.
389
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,375
SO WHEN YOU AND MR. McVEIGH
WERE WRITING THESE THINGS,
390
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,710
YOU WERE SIMPLY
REPORTING THE FACTS.
391
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:36,380
WITH A CAPITAL "F."
392
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:39,316
WHAT YOU'RE
REALLY SAYING IS...
393
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:42,286
ANYONE COULD'VE
WRITTEN THAT BOOK.
394
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:47,358
WHAT--
395
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,993
YOUR HONOR, I ASK YOU.
396
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:53,297
HOW CAN MR. LOUDON
HAVE STOLEN MATERIAL
397
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,032
WHICH HE HIMSELF ADMITS
398
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:57,201
COULD'VE BEEN WRITTEN
BY ANY FOOL?
399
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:00,504
NELSON-- NELSON?
400
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:04,141
BY A CHILD OF SIX.
BY A MONKEY WITH A TYPEWRITER.
401
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,311
BY A CHILD WITH A MONKEY
WITH A TYPEWRITER.
402
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,012
BY MR. WHITLEY McVEIGH.
403
00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:10,347
BY MR. DICK LOUDON.
404
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:12,249
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
405
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:16,053
UH-- OBJECTION.
406
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,222
YOU'RE OBJECTING
TO YOUR OWN ATTORNEY.
407
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:21,559
WELL, THEY CERTAINLY
AREN'T GOING TO OBJECT.
408
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:24,528
UH, YOUR HONOR, MAY I SPEAK?
409
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:27,565
YOU MAY.
410
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:30,067
OF COURSE, HOW-TO BOOKS
411
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,935
ON THE SAME SUBJECT
412
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:33,837
HAVE SIMILAR PASSAGES,
413
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,508
BUT I MEAN, HOW MANY DIFFERENT
WAYS ARE THERE TO SAY,
414
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,077
"REMOVE THE TWO SCREWS?"
415
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,213
REMOVE ONE SCREW,
416
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:44,781
THEN THE OTHER?
417
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:47,150
REMOVE BOTH SCREWS.
418
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,188
SEE THOSE SCREWS?
TAKE 'EM OUT.
419
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,260
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I'LL TELL YOU
420
00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:57,628
WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS.
421
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,396
UH, MAY I PLEASE HAVE
422
00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,798
EXHIBIT "A" AND "B," PLEASE?
423
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:09,607
UH, I WOULD LIKE
TO READ FROM
424
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:12,309
BATHROOM REPAIR
BY WHITLEY McVEIGH.
425
00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:15,946
THIS IS THE FIRST CHAPTER
OF HIS BOOK.
426
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,148
"ANYONE WHO HAS A BATHROOM
427
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:21,118
"KNOWS THAT IT NEEDS FIXING.
428
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:24,020
"THIS BOOK
WILL HELP YOU FIX IT.
429
00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:26,790
BUT YOU'LL NEED TOOLS, TOO."
430
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:32,062
COMPETENT, I GRANT YOU.
431
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:35,932
NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO READ
THE FIRST PARAGRAPH IN MY BOOK.
432
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:41,972
"IMAGINE COLORS.
433
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:47,444
"SMOOTH AND RESTFUL.
434
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:49,846
"AN OASIS
OF SHIMMERING WATER.
435
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:52,015
"DEEP AND COOL.
436
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:53,350
"PLANTS OF LUSCIOUS GREEN
437
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:56,153
"WITH BURSTING FLOWERS.
438
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:58,455
"THE MIRROR'S BOUNCING IMAGES
439
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:01,024
"WITH MAGICIAN'S QUICKNESS
440
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:04,161
"BEFORE YOUR EYES.
441
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:07,030
"THESE WORDS
ONLY BEGIN TO SUGGEST
442
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:09,800
WHAT COULD BE
YOUR DREAM BATHROOM."
443
00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:14,571
THESE WORDS...
444
00:21:14,573 --> 00:21:16,373
ARE MY WORDS.
445
00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:20,977
THAT'S LOVELY.
446
00:21:22,981 --> 00:21:24,281
THANK YOU, MR. LOUDON.
447
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,183
I THINK WE CAN DISPENSE
448
00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:27,984
WITH THE CLOSING ARGUMENTS.
449
00:21:27,986 --> 00:21:30,086
I AM PREPARED TO RULE.
450
00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:34,024
IN MY OPINION,
451
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:37,428
MR. LOUDON'S WRITING
IS UNIQUE.
452
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:41,365
CLOYING...
453
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:42,833
BUT UNIQUE.
454
00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,535
THAT NONE OF HIS BOOK
WAS DERIVED
455
00:21:44,537 --> 00:21:48,104
FROM MR. McVEIGH'S
MANUSCRIPT.
456
00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:50,774
I FIND FOR THE DEFENDANT.
457
00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:52,576
COURT ADJOURNED.
458
00:21:52,578 --> 00:21:56,447
WELL, DICK.
WE SURE SHOWED THEM.
459
00:21:56,449 --> 00:21:58,315
ARLEEN. YOU BUSY FOR DINNER?
460
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:01,117
NO.
461
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:03,887
OH, HONEY. OH.
462
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:05,389
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU'D WIN.
463
00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:06,923
CONGRATULATIONS.
464
00:22:06,925 --> 00:22:10,427
YEAH, THEY DECLARED
THE BOOK MINE AND BAD.
465
00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:13,797
WELL, I JUST HOPE THAT SHAW GUY
DOESN'T HEAR ABOUT THIS.
466
00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:17,133
WE COULD BE BACK HERE
IN A WEEK.
467
00:22:17,135 --> 00:22:19,536
DICK, I'M AWFULLY GLAD
THINGS TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
468
00:22:19,538 --> 00:22:21,739
I-- I ALWAYS KNEW
THEY WOULD.
469
00:22:21,741 --> 00:22:24,408
IN VIEW OF THIS VERDICT,
I'M OFFICIALLY AUTHORIZED
470
00:22:24,410 --> 00:22:28,044
TO INVITE YOU BACK INTO
THE VERMONT TODAY FAMILY.
471
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:31,482
I HOPE WE CAN
LET BYGONES BE BYGONES.
472
00:22:31,484 --> 00:22:33,116
WELL, MICHAEL, I DON'T KNOW.
473
00:22:33,118 --> 00:22:34,852
YOU BEHAVED RATHER BADLY,
AND I REALLY--
474
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:38,121
COME ON, DICK.
475
00:22:38,123 --> 00:22:40,391
OH-- ALL RIGHT,
I FORGIVE YOU.
476
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,227
WELL, SHOULD WE GO HOME?
477
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:45,896
NO, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.
478
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,398
LET'S GO DOWN
TO THE HARDWARE STORE
479
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,965
AND SEE IF THEY GOT
ANY OF YOUR BOOKS.
480
00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:54,070
I STILL SAY
YOU STOLE MY BOOK.
481
00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:56,673
TOUGH DARTS, FARMER.
482
00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:08,485
�� [THEME MUSIC]
33781
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