Original subtitles

Oh, it's cold out there. It's cold in here, too.

Close the door, George.

There, that's better.

This is a perfect night for a fire.

Leslie, go see if Dick can take a break from his work and join us.

Okay.

Dick, if you're free, we're getting a fire going.

This is one thing I'll never get tired of.

Reminds me of when I was a little girl on my grandparents' farm in Ohio.

In the winter, it would always be bitter, bitter cold,

and we'd all come in at night and gather in the living room.

And start a fire?

No, and wish we had a fire.

Oh, honey, there you are.

How's 50 Fascinating Vacations coming?

Fine. I'm thinking of changing the title.

To what?

Nine Fascinating Vacations.

How does sharing a romantic evening by the fire sound?

Sounds good to me.

Me, too. Do you mind if I join you?

I was hoping you would.

You know what I'd like to do tonight?

I think I can guess.

Roast hot dogs and marshmallows.

Oh.

Sounds good to me.

(KIRK CHEERING)

(CHEERING) The river's frozen over, grab your skates!

Mine are in my truck.

Wait a minute. What about the fire?

You won't want a fire tonight. It's the river party.

(BOTH CHEERING)

What's the river party?

First time the river freezes over, the whole town has a party.

Get it? River. Party.

Sounds like fun. I'll get my skates.

You're gonna love it.

They have bonfires, people roast hot dogs,

everyone goes out on the ice and skates.

We don't have skates.

Oh, there's always people who'll lend you a pair.

Or I'll rent you mine.

Sounds like fun. It is.

There isn't anybody who doesn't go to the river party.

Oh, I'm game. Let's go, Joanna.

Honey? Hmm?

Aren't you going to the river party?

You go ahead. I'll stay here.

What? You can't miss the river party.

Honey, they set bonfires and skate.

I don't know how to skate.

Sure you do.

What do you mean, "Sure I do"?

We've been married for 16 years.

When have you ever seen me skate?

You'll pick it up in a minute.

Look, Dick, I don't want to go.

I'm afraid.

What's there to be afraid about ice skating?

Ice and skating.

What about the other things, like hot dogs?

I can do that here.

Oh, but it's so much more fun on the icy banks of a frozen river.

Dick, please don't make me do this.

You're always coaxing me to try things I'm not good at,

and then I end up embarrassing myself,

and I hate it when I'm embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassing you, and I'm not coaxing.

Come on.

Joanna, only deadwood misses the river party.

Okay, I'll go.

But only if you promise me you won't make me skate.

You don't have to skate, you don't have to roast,

you don't have to talk to anybody.

Just go and have fun.

I'm ready. Joanna, guess what?

I brought you these in case you didn't have your own.

Leslie, thank you. But I'm not going to skate.

Yeah, carry them anyway, otherwise you'll look like deadwood.

Come on, I got the car running.

You can already smell the wood smoke coming from the river.

(CHEERING)

If everyone's ready, then on to the river!

ALL: (CHANTING) On to the river! On to the river!

On to the river! On to the river!

On to the river! On to the river!

On to the river! On to the river!

On to the river! On to the river!

On to the river! On to the river!

Honey?

On to the river!

On to the river! On to the river!

Oh...

On to the river.

I'll start a fire. Warm it up in here.

I'll run upstairs and start a hot bath.

Get in here, honey, and get out of those wet clothes.

Don't touch any part of me.

I just want to get you upstairs.

I'm fine.

You'll catch cold.

I wanna catch cold.

I wanna catch pneumonia.

At least come over by the fire.

I can't catch pneumonia by the fire.

Don't sit on anything.

Unless you want to.

Managed to fetch her scarf and one glove out of the river.

I have never felt so humiliated in my whole life.

Honey, it was an accident. It could've happened to anyone.

Then I wish it had happened to you.

You mentioned something about that in the car.

I was standing off to the side,

perfectly content to enjoy the ice and the cold.

You're the one who kept skating by in the snake chain

saying, "Come on, grab a hip."

When you lost your grip and started sliding,

I thought you were never gonna stop.

I was lucky I found a hole in the ice to fall into.

A lot of people remarked about what a good swimmer you were.

I had to be, my husband wasn't coming to save me.

I was coming, I was taking off my skates.

I didn't take off my skates.

I know, and you were sinking like a rock.

The main thing is you were rescued.

Yes, by two ice fishermen

who kept shouting, "Look, we've hooked a big one."

Forgive me, I'm not being gracious.

Just remember, things could've been worse, Joanna.

How?

Thrashing around the water like that, you could've lost your watch or your rings.

You're lucky, all you really lost was your dignity.

Well, I guess I'll be headed on back to the party.

You're not going back, are you, Dick?

(INAUDIBLE)

Okay, have a great evening.

I'll get a few towels and dry up that place in the car

where Joanna was sitting.

Thanks, George.

Oh...

I'll never be able to show my face in town again.

Honey, you don't have to feel bad just because you fell into the river.

Don't I?

No.

I mean, if you wanna feel bad,

feel bad about what you called everybody.

They were laughing at me. I was embarrassed.

You called them sadistic, syrup-sucking stumpjumpers.

Just slipped out.

Joanna, I drew you a bath. Are you ready to come up?

This has been the worst night of my life.

(WATER SQUISHING) Oh...

Honey, I'm sure it seems like it now,

but just try to keep some perspective.

I hate Vermont, I hate this inn, and I hate you.

That's my girl.

Morning, everybody.

Hi, Dick, your breakfast will be ready in a second.

Oh, fine.

Is that Joanna's breakfast? Yeah.

She didn't eat much.

No, she said the sight of food and me made her sick.

Still a little down about last night, huh?

A tad.

Kirk, you own your own cafe. What are you doing over here for breakfast?

I can't seem to get people interested in my breakfast special.

What is it?

Two luscious strips of hickory-smoked bacon on top of whatever was

left over from the night before.

I take it we'll be seeing you over here often.

Here you go. Pancakes.

Pancakes and pancakes.

How does she keep it all straight?

How's Joanna this morning?

Not much better.

I feel so sorry for her.

So do I. She hates to be embarrassed,

and unfortunately I keep pushing her into situations where she does

incredibly embarrassing things.

How long does it usually take her to get over it and forgive you?

She'll forgive me in a day or two.

She never gets over it.

That's a shame. Nobody in town thinks any less of her

for what happened.

She probably feels bad about what she called them.

You mean, sadistic, syrup-sucking stumpjumpers?

Nobody's gonna remember that.

I know when I went back to the party, nobody seemed mad.

Are you telling the truth or are you lying just to make us feel better?

Dick, I never lie to make people feel better.

Never? Okay, always.

But not this time. Everybody is really concerned about her.

I hope this isn't going to cause a problem between you two.

George, Joanna and I have been happily married for 16 years,

so I don't think it will.

And if it does...

Well, we still had those 16 happy years.

Listen, if you're worried, send her flowers. That always works.

What do you mean "that always works"?

Excuse me.

You're saying that every time a woman is hurt or upset,

sending her a little bouquet of flowers will make everything right again?

Yeah.

That's so patronizing.

Patronizing? Yes!

It's saying that our problems are so insignificant

that they can be solved by a simple phone call to the florist.

When you get right down with it,

it's that same old 19th century male-female stereotype.

It's just plain insulting.

Mr. Loudon, the flowers you ordered are here.

Gee, I hope Joanna doesn't think those are for her.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

DICK: Honey.

Who is it?

It's Dick.

Come in, Dick.

I brought you some tea.

Thank you.

Where would you like it?

With the others.

So how're you feeling?

I'm fine.

Good.

I think it was a good idea you stayed up here all day.

Think you managed to fight off that cold.

Yeah.

Well, looks like winter's finally arrived.

They say it should dip down below zero tonight.

Good, maybe I'll go for a swim.

Joanna, I know you're upset and I understand,

but, I mean, you're acting like this is the most embarrassing thing

that ever happened to you, and it wasn't.

I mean, what about the time in New York

when you thought you saw Joey Bishop, and you walked into a parking meter?

That could happen to anyone.

But you were embarrassed.

I embarrassed myself.

What bothered me about the whole river thing

is that it was one more example of you egging me on in front of everybody

to do something that I didn't want to do.

You're going to bring up the oyster thing again, aren't you?

Yes.

I mean, that was 11 years ago.

And you still haven't learned.

I told you then I didn't like raw fish,

but you said I'd never tried raw fish

and maybe if I tried it, I'd like it.

All right. If you hadn't tried it,

we never would've found out you were allergic to it.

Now we know.

So do three New York City paramedics

and the 200 people in the Japanese restaurant.

All right. That's two times.

The wilderness weekend was three times.

The sailing trip off Long Island was four.

The mule ride down the Grand Canyon was five.

All right, for argument's sake,

let's say you can name half a dozen.

In my sleep.

You're right. I...

I do that and I don't know why.

I know why.

It's that, "I know what's best for Joanna" thing you have.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm stubborn and I'm arrogant.

I always think I know what's best,

and I never listen to what you want.

I do what I want and I'm always wrong.

You're not always wrong.

Well, I'm wrong most of the time.

Let's say 80%.

But I've really learned a lesson this time.

Have you really?

Really. I mean it.

I've heard that before.

Really?

I knew the paramedics had heard it. I...

I didn't know you had heard it.

But this time I mean it.

(SIGHS)

(STUTTERING) Look,

I know underneath it all, you only do it because you care about me.

That's... That's true.

And I guess I always go along with it

because I care about you, too.

I guess the answer is we should stop caring about each other.

I know I shouldn't let things embarrass me so much.

Well, they wouldn't if I didn't push you.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Since I ruined your plans for last evening,

why don't we go downstairs and have that nice, cozy evening tonight?

Tonight?

Why not?

Right now. I mean, our last two guests checked out this morning.

There's no one in the inn.

I'll light a fire, we'll open a bottle of champagne

and spend the evening together,

just the two of us.

Oh, that does sound nice.

Okay, yeah. Just give me a minute to get myself together.

I'll start the fire and I'll be waiting for you.

Good.

Come on, come on.

(MURMURING)

Where is she?

She's upstairs. She'll be down in a second.

Okay. This party is a great idea, Dick.

It should be just the thing to get Joanna back to her old self.

It's gotta be great when she sees all these people

at a party just for her, you know. Right.

Where's the best place for me to capture the magic moment?

Why don't you get on the stairs?

You be the lookout, and everybody else, just spread out.

Right. Everybody hide,

and don't say anything until she gets to the bottom of the stairs.

Kirk, you turn up the lights and everyone shout, "Surprise!"

Oh, great, I love a good surprise.

You're such a thoughtful husband.

Well, I try.

(SHUSHING)

I think I hear her coming.

Quiet. Everybody, this is it.

Everybody, quiet.

There's more heat up here than over there.

What?

Oh, my God.

Surprise! Surprise!

Dick! Oh, no!

Ow...

Don't anyone move, I'll be back in a second.

Well, that was fun.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I have never been more embarrassed in my life.

You weren't alone.

Dick, you promised. You said you'd never do this to me again.

Who would've ever thought you'd come down the stairs dressed like that?

By the way, you look great.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

Where did you get that?

I don't remember.

Dick, what are all those people doing here?

Well, after what happened at the river,

I knew you felt self-conscious

about seeing all those people again, so...

So you invited them all over here.

Right. I mean, fully dressed, that was a great idea.

How long have you had that?

A while. I was saving it for a special occasion.

This isn't it.

I'm sorry. It was supposed to be a surprise.

This was supposed to be a surprise.

If it's any consolation, it was.

I don't know which I feel worse about,

embarrassing myself again in front of those people,

or missing out on the evening we had planned.

I know which I feel worse about.

Now how are we gonna get out of here?

We're gonna go through that door.

The window's out, huh?

Joanna, what's the big deal? You came down the stairs in a nightgown,

a fantastic nightgown.

I mean, you're a very attractive woman who has nothing to be ashamed of.

Really? Really.

And I'm sure those people out there weren't embarrassed,

and you shouldn't be.

You really think so?

If I didn't, I wouldn't send you out there like that.

Cover up and we'll go out there.

Oh, hi. LESLIE: Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Where... Where is everybody?

They all went home.

You're kidding. Why?

They were all embarrassed.

You said no one would be embarrassed.

Why are you surprised? I haven't been right for three days.

It's not enough I made a fool of myself in front of all those people before,

they must really think I'm an idiot now.

Oh, no, they think you're great.

Yeah, they think Dick is the idiot.

Me? Yeah.

They left because they figured Joanna would wanna kill you.

At least they thought she should.

Boy, it's a bloodthirsty little town, isn't it?

I'm not mad at Dick.

I know he only does this because he loves me.

I mean, take away the humiliation,

and he's really kind of sweet.

I'm really glad you guys are okay. Me, too.

Yeah, let's eat.

What? Just because everyone else left,

doesn't mean we can't have a party.

Maybe Dick and Joanna don't want to have a party.

This was all Dick's idea to begin with.

Well, I don't know. I feel kind of tired myself.

What about you, honey, don't you feel a little tired?

Right. Pooped.

It's only 8:30. What else is there to do?

Well, I guess we could party for a little while.

With this much food and champagne, we could party all night.

I'll get the eats.

If you'll all excuse me, I think I'll run upstairs and change,

and I'll join you in a few minutes.

Now we're having some fun.

Here's to the best time I've ever had.

JOANNA: Dick, I forgot to give you back your sport coat.

Would you come up and get it?

Oh, right. Right, I...

(STUTTERING) I have to go up and get my sport coat.

Dick?

Thanks.

Well, let's see, a case of champagne at $8 a bottle,

that's $96.

Ten dozen hors d'oeuvres, that's $52.

Glasses and napkins, $26. That's a grand total,

all of $174.

Not bad for a party of three.

I told you guys when I got these pictures of Joanna developed,

you'd be the first ones to see them, and here they are.

I am dreading this.

No need to. They came out great.

Well, you have to admit that's kind of a funny expression.

(CHUCKLING)

Yes, it is.

Oh, this is just your back, that's no big deal.

Hmm. Very innocent.

This one came out pretty sexy.

Hmm. You're right. Hmm.