All language subtitles for Newhart S06E11

Dick, you'll never guess
what happened.

You were, uh, followed home
by two middle-aged men.

Wow, he's good.

You know Mrs. Burgess,

the woman who gives
the historical presentation

to tour groups
at the museum?

Yeah.

She's retiring,

and I've been asked
to replace her.

We came by to see
your reaction.

Con-congratulations.

What a let-down.

Guess we should leave
so Dick can calm down.

Honey,

this is a copy
of the presentation.

Mrs. Burgess has been giving it
every week for 50 years.

The problem is that this speech

is just full of things
only she would say.

Yeah, it does kinda reek of
Mrs. Burgess.

See, what I need is a way to
make this speech more me.

-Good idea.
-So you'll write it?

-What?
-Oh, come on, Dick.

If you do this for me,

I'll do something
really great for you.

Like-- like what?

Like, uh, I'll give you back
those pictures

that I took of you in that
Valentine's Day underwear.

I'll get right on it.

You're the greatest.

Hoo hoo.

Darn, a great reaction

and no one's here to see it.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

Only after tomorrow,
I'll be just Larry.

Why-- why is that?

I'm proud to announce

that after many years
of pinchin' my pennies,

I can now afford
to go on the road

for my dream vacation:
Florida.

For sun and fun?

No, miniature golf.

It's the perfect time to go.

It's the off season,

and the box cars
ain't as full.

You might even be able
to swing a private car.

Well, I'll be gone 8 or 9 days,

depending on how many
free games I win.

So while I'm gone,

I need someone
to look after Darryl.

Why-- why don't you
take 'em with you?

Well, we were all plannin'
to go together.

Whereas I was thrifty, though,

they blew all their money
on ball bearings.

[ Metallic jingling ]

[ Clears throat ]

Aren't-- aren't they
old enough to--

to take care of themselves?

I think so, but Darryl don't.

Frankly, if we--

lived in a more rural area,
it might be okay.

Anyway, you're my first choice
to stay with Darryl,

although Miss Stephanie
won by the vote.

Uh, guys, I-- I have a big
speech to rewrite and, uh,

I-- I really don't think
I could give 'em any...

quality time.

Thank you, George.

I don't know how you manage
to keep a cool head

during such a crisis.

No problem.

Hi, Miss Stephanie.

Hi, guys.

Miss Stephanie,
I hate to impose,

but I'm gonna be goin' away,
and I need someone

to look after Darryl.

Oh, well then, I suggest
you ask anyone but me.

Thank you, Miss Stephanie.

Glad I could help.

Uh, Larry, I'd be glad
to stay with Darryl.

Really?

What do you think?

Well, it's all right
with Darryl,

but before I go blindly

handing over the reins
of authority,

I'd like to be sure
in my own mind

that you're the right man
for the job.

Okay.

Hypothetically speaking,

what would you do
if Darryl catches on fire?

I'd throw water on him.

The proper answer is
put him under a cow

and start milkin' like crazy.

Although your answer sounds like
it does have a shot.

Okay.

You're hired.
Here you go.

Don't lose 'em.

Dick,

I just finished reading
what you did to the speech.

You're welcome.

Well, I-- I know you're
a bit sensitive

about your writing,

but I had
a little problem with--

Hon--
Honey, say no more.

I-- I know there's a--

there's a typo on page 3.

Oh. I-- I-- I
didn't notice that.

Well, then-- then, what are you
having a problem with?

Well, uh,

it's kind of around, uh,

in this area.

Kind of...

just the first three pages.

The speech is three pages.

That's my problem.

-The length?
-The speech.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You're, uh--
you're getting nervous

about speaking in front
of a-- a crowd

and you're taking it out on a--
on a great piece of writing.

So you really think
these little...

witticism things are good?

Trust me. Screams.

Well--

Remember,
I did do this as a favor.

I could be watching the Darryls.

Okay. I'll-- I'll do it.

Great. Well,
if you'll excuse me,

I have a typo to white out.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hi ho, JoJo,
how's it go go?

[ Chuckles ]

Hi, Michael, Stephanie, listen,

how would you like
to do me a favor?

Well, I think I speak
for us both

when I enthusiastically say,
it depends.

I'm giving a speech
at the museum on Saturday,

and I'd really appreciate

a few familiar faces
in the audience.

Freeze frame on that thought,
Joanna.

What do we think, cake o' cups?

-It's at the museum?
-Yeah.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't that where they keep
old and rusty things

that were quaint 100 years ago,
but now are just gross?

It would only be
for half an hour.

[ Sighs ]
Well, all right,

if you're gonna carry on
like this.

What good friends.

Hi, George, how's it goin'?

More.

After a whole day
with the Darryls,

the sound of a human voice
is like music.

That's right, George,

you've been
on double Darryl duty.

Yeah.

They spent the day emptying out
rain gutters.

Aw, they must be tired.

I don't know about tired,
but they're sure full.

When's the tour group coming?

Well, they've been off the bus
for half an hour,

so they should be
at the display

of Calvin Coolidge's
dental plate by now.

First one in the country
to hold five teeth.

That's quite a coup.

Oh, Michael,
I don't like this place.

Everything's either old or dead
or was in someone's mouth.

Michael, Stephanie, hi.
Thanks for coming.

It was quite a sacrifice.

I mean, it's like

being held captive
inside a PBS special.

This way, everyone!

Ew, Michael, bus people.

Joanna, I'd like you to meet
Kirby the bus driver.

Hi.

Well, you already got
Burgess beat

in the bod department.

Hey, everyone. Isn't this fun?

Huh?

How 'bout that dental plate?

-Yeah!
-[ Applause ]

All right, all right.

Now I wanna present
the highlight of our tour,

a colorful history of Vermont,
given by Joanna Loudon.

Uh-- Uh, sorry guys,
she's married.

[ Laughing ]

Welcome to Vermont.

Early settlers worked
long and hard

to forge a community here
against many hardships.

These Yankees faced
harsh weather,

famine,

even Indians.

Of course, the Yankees
beat the Indians, 12 to 8.

[ Loud laugh ]

But seriously,

when discussing the early
history of our state,

one man stands out,
namely Ethan Allen.

He was best known
as the leader

of the Green Mountain Boys,

whose first album
easily went gold.

[ Laughs, coughs ]

No, no, please, really.

Dick, what is your wife doing?

She's bringing down
the tour group.

Vermont was the first state
admitted to the union

after the 13 colonies.

For those of you
who don't remember,

the 13 colonies were
Massachusetts,

Rhode Island,
Pennsylvania,

and in case Santa Claus
is here,

"Yes, Santa Claus,
there is a Virginia."

[ Groans ]

Honey, let's sneak out

and get another look
at those teeth.

Honey...

[ Clears throat ]

It wasn't that bad.

Dick, do you realize
that because of you

I can't ever show my face
in this town again?

Sure you can.
They were all tourists.

Dick, they were all chanting,
"Burgess, Burgess."

Well, sure, to-- toward the end.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go listen
to my Ethan Allen

and the Green Mountain Boys
album.

[ Laughs ]

See, I mean, it is a funny area.

O-- Okay. Okay, Joanna, okay.
Maybe--

maybe I was wrong

to force you to--
to do the speech.

And-- and to be honest,
maybe it was all my fault

and, uh-- and I'm--
I'm sorry.

Well, Dick, that-- that's
big of you to admit it.

When I'm-- I'm wrong,
I'm-- I'm wrong.

And I was wrong to...

assume that you could

deliver witty material.

Excuse me?

Well, face it, Joanna, I mean,

some people can give
humorous speeches and--

and other people are--
are like you.

Dick, you're blaming me
for that yawn-a-thon?

Well, it's unrealistic
to blame the material.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

We just wanted to see if you
were okay after that bomb.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay.
We don't blame you.

No. It was that speech.

If you were gonna rewrite
Mrs. Burgess's speech,

you should at least
have gotten Dick to help you.

He's a professional.

Uh...

a-- actually, I was the one who
rewrote the speech.

Wow, Dick.

Just 'cause you didn't get
picked to do the speech

is no reason for sabotage.

Tell you what, Joanna,

why don't we just
forget all this,

and you can come next week
and do Mrs. Burgess's speech.

Yeah, we better tell
the security guard

she's allowed back in.

I don't know if I'm
delivering this right,

[ Clears throat ]
but I told you so.

No offense, Joanna,

but I don't exactly live or die
by a thumbs-up from them.

I mean, I still think the--
the right person

could make that material fly.

Like who?

Uh...

of the people in this room?
Uh...

well, me.

Good, then you give the speech
next week,

and we'll see how you do.

Oh, no, no. That-- that--
that wouldn't be fair.

I'm a professional TV host.

And I-- I'm not going to
get involved

in some kind of a childish,
petty, competitive--

-You're scared.
-You're on.

Hi. I'm George.

This is Larry's brother Darryl,

and this is his other
brother Darryl.

How are you and the Darryls
getting along, George?

Oh, great.

It's been a lot of fun.

I'm doing things
I've never done before.

Like today we played

Find the Hibernating Animal
and Wake It.

Yeah, I'm learning a lot too.

I never knew before
how many things

a person could eat
and still not die.

Come on, Darryl.

-Let's add food to that list.
-Oh.

Hi.

I'm Larry.
Miniature golfed out.

Hi, Larry.
How was your vacation?

Well, I managed
to have a good time,

although I was asked
to leave several courses

for usin' a wood.

But I did leave
Florida in style. Police escort.

Come on, guys.

We can go down
to the lake and--

Oh. Oh, hi.
Hi, Larry.

Darryl.

Let's see,

uh, one, two.

Yep, all here.

You look a little bloated.

You haven't let Darryl

near the rain gutter,
have you?

I have half a mind
not to give you

the present I brought back
from Florida.

Well, okay.

I never could resist
those cherubic faces,

so reminiscent
of the Campbell's kids.

It's something
I put together myself,

a skeeter farm.

Now you can watch the
fascinating metamorphosis

from larva to bloodsucker.

You're a good brother, Larry.

Oh, and thanks.

Come on, Darryl.

Let's go play

Find the Hibernatin' Animal
and Wake It.

Oh.

And doing it a second time
in one day

would border on the cruel.

I know, let's go build
a giant nest

and see what crawls into it.

See you guys.

See you la...

I'll see you...

Boy, you stay with 'em,

spend time with 'em,

do fun things with 'em,
and what do you get?

They leave without saying
so much as a simple good-bye.

Go have kids.

Honey, do you think
we should, uh,

rearrange the chairs
so there's...

more room
for rolling in the aisles?

Good idea, Dick.

Anything that could cut down
trampling during the mass exit.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

Well, we're really
looking forward

to hearing that old speech.

Dick's got something
to tell you fellas.

Um, we're doing
last week's speech.

Oh, no.

[ Clears throat ]

Relax, guys.

I'm doing it.

Oh, no.

Welcome to Vermont.

Early settlers worked
long and hard

to forge a community here
against--

against many hardships.

These Yankees faced
harsh weather, famine,

even Indians.

Of course, the Yankees
beat the Indians, 12 to 8.

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]

But, uh-- but seriously,

when, uh-- when discussing the--
the early history of our state,

one man stands out,

Ethan Allen.

Of course, he was best known
as the...

leader of the...

Green Mountain Boys,

[ Chuckles ]

whose first album
easily went gold.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Um, I didn't know that
they had records back then.

They-- they-- they didn't.

It was, um-- it was a joke.

[ Clears throat ]
You know, it's just that

the Green Mountain Boys,

it sort of--

it sort of sounds like a--
like a musical group.

Isn't it unprofessional

to explain your jokes
to your audience?

I m-- I mean, I--

I-- I ma-- I made a-- a--
a fool of myself.

Honey, that-- that was
the worst speech on--

on-- on the history of Vermont
in the history of-- of Vermont.

I hope those people
weren't serious about

cutting off...

all their own ears.

Joanna, aren't-- aren't you
gonna comfort me?

In a minute.

First I want an apology.

For-- for humiliating myself?

Dick, you humiliated me.

That was last week.

I'm-- I'm talking about--
about fresh pain here.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, okay, Joanna.

You were completely right and--

and I was completely
wrong and--

and I'll never--

[ Sighs ]

I'll never do anything like that
to-- to you again.

Well, that covers everything,
doesn't it?

Yes it does, honey.
And thank you.

You're-- you're welcome.

Now I'm-- I'm going to
say something...

else negative about myself and--

I expect you to--
to disagree with me...

a-- a lot.

I-- I am the worst writer in--
in this galaxy,

and-- and-- and maybe the--
the two nearby.

Dick, you are not.

I said a lot.

Dick, you're a wonderful writer.

But even the best writers
write bad things occasionally.

Only instead
of crumpling them up,

you gave them to your wife.

But-- but what--
what if everything I--

everything I ever wrote
was bad?

I mean, I-- I put humor in--
in my how to books.

I mean,

listen to that.

I mean, people all over
the country are--

are reading my books and--
and not laughing.

Dick, you are very funny.

I mean, even your book titles
are funny.

Shelf Help?

Well, you know, it was...

pretty off the wall,
so to speak.

[ Laughing ]

You see?

You're right,

my book titles were funny

and the-- and the jokes in 'em
were funny.

Exactly.

I-- I am one heck
...of a funny guy.

You sure are.

[ Sighs ]

JOANNA: Good night, honey.

DICK: Good night.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I-- Maybe I just had
a bad audience.

-[ Sound of a slap ]
-Ah!

Meow.