All language subtitles for American Housewife s04e10_English

♪♪

I know it's Christmas,
Mom,

but I think you have to
stay home with Dad.

He needs you
to take care of him right now.

I'm sad, too.

Bye, Mom.

[ Cellphone thuds ]

What's with
the happy dance?

Remember how
my dad's foot surgery

was supposed to be healed
by now?

It did, but great news.

The bone set wrong,
and they had to rebreak it.

How lucky is that?

You're a regular
Clara Barton.

It's not an insult if I don't
know who you're talking about.

True.

I'm gonna miss my dad,

but with my mother
not being here,

I will finally be able
to make

my Nana's Bavarian Meat Tree
with Taylor.

What are you
signing me up for?

It's this tradition
I always did with her.

It's a mini Christmas tree

made of sausage,
lunch meats, and meatballs.

For Christmas this year,
I want to not do that.

You're gonna love it
so much!

If it's so great,
then why'd you stop doing it?

After Nana died,
my mother banned it.

With your parents not coming
and my parents not coming,

it's just gonna be us.
Mm.

You still haven't talked
to Grandpa? It's been two years.

Well, since he told me he had
a second family in England

and I have a brother
that I've never met --

also named Greg --

Are we allowed
to laugh at that yet?

No!

Anyway, I haven't really
been in the mood

to call up my parents
and see what's shakin'.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It's a little weird
that it's Christmas

and there's
no other family coming.

It's kind of depressing,
actually.

All I know is,
less relatives means less gifts.

You mean "fewer" relatives
means "fewer" gifts.

Hey, Dad?
Literally no one cares.

Speaking of gifts,
I got you

the perfect Greg Otto gift
this year.

I put a lot of thought
into it.

I didn't just give you
the Starbucks gift card

that I forgot to give
Anna-Kat's teacher.

I can't wait.

Maybe this won't be so bad.

Maybe less family
means less drama.

Don't you mean "fewer" family
means "fewer" drama?

Anna-Kat:
Oliver, no! I made that!
Oliver: Get out of my face!

Oliver,
what did you do?

He broke the chimney
off my gingerbread house.

It's food!

I built that with Dad!

You wrecked
the whole ventilation system.

There's
a vanilla wafer furnace!

Stop ruining
our drama-free Christmas!

Now, go upstairs
and do something together.

Without fighting,
or Christmas is canceled!

Remember what we said
about making threats

we can't
follow through on?

Who are you to talk?

You potty-trained
all three of them

by threatening if they
didn't stop using diapers,

Elmo would quit
show business.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, Mom.

One sec. I'm tracking
Dad's surprise Christmas gift.

It's exactly
what he needs this year.

Don't ask what it is, because
I'm not going to tell you.

I won't, because I have
zero interest.

I'll tell you
if you guess.

Fine.

Uh...surfboard?

That was
a terrible guess.

It was better
when you didn't even care.

Ehh.

This is so much meat!

I know! I'm handing down
the family meat-tree tradition.

I can't believe
this is what I inherit.

Don't you have
any jewelry?

No, you get a meat tree.

♪♪

I'm sorry I ate your chimney,
so let me make it up to you.

Wait. This is where Mom and Dad
hide all our presents?

In their closet?
Not smart.

Nope. We are fighting
an uphill battle genetically.

Mine.

Taylor's.

Yours.

Feels like another
junior-executive pencil set.

What part of
"I'll just take the cash"

do they not understand?

Oh, this unwrapped one
has no card.

It's probably for me.

Says who?

I do!

[ Clank ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, no! We broke
Mom's serving platter.

Mom uses it
every Christmas.

We're so dead.

No one has to know.
I can fix this.

How?
It's completely broken.

Do you know how many things
I've broken in this house

and glued back together
with no one noticing?

♪♪

I can fix this thing.
No problem.

I don't think I could handle
seeing the disappointed look

on Mom's face
if she found out we broke it.

That would kill me.

That's the beauty --
there's no guilt.

Because I do such a great job
at fixing things,

there are never
any consequences.

Have you ever broken anything
of mine and not told me?

Never.

♪♪

I don't believe you.

Clever girl.

♪♪

Ugh.
This is so nasty.

I can't get the meat rolls
to stick.

I know. My grandmother
made it look easy.

But we're making memories.

Not good ones.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Nobody get the door
except Dad!

Greg!
Your present's here!

Maybe it's Amazon
with the "Big Book of
Shakespearean Insults"

I asked for.

"Methink'st thou art
a general offense

and every man
should beat thee"!

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

[ British accent ] Hello.
Are you Greg Otto?

Yeah.

I'm Greg Otto, too.

What's that, now?

Greg, this is Greg,

your half-brother
from your father's secret family

all the way from England.

I told you I got you
the perfect Greg Otto gift!

You're my half-brother.

But I'm going to give you
a full hug.

[ Sleigh bells jingle ]

[ Whispering ] I said
I wanted the Shakespeare book.

Shakespeare!

♪♪

Brother!

So, I bet you're wondering
how all of this happened, Greg.

No, it's pretty clear
how this happened.

I met a cute girl
when I was a TA,

and now I'm here.

A few weeks back,
I found out from Father

that I have a long-lost brother
in the Colonies.

That means America.

Everyone knows that.

Well, that's
where you're wrong, Oliver,

because I don't know that.

Look at you,
making me feel stupid.

Well, as luck would have it,
when I tracked you down,

your lovely wife
happened to answer the phone.

That was lucky.

I'm a lucky guy.

While we spoke, I mentioned
I was coming to lecture at Yale.

And I said,
"Let's keep this a secret

and have you come over as
a surprise gift for Christmas."

British Gregs are flying
off the shelves this year.

[ Laughter ]

[ Forced chuckle ]

It's so cool
we have a British uncle.

Here.
What's this called?

A biscuit.

Aw, man, that is not
what we call it here at all.

[ Chuckles ]

Chiseled face,
charming accent.

Would it be okay
if I called you "Dad"?

Oliver!

Shh, Greg.
I'm talking to my dad.

So, uh...

how did it come up with Father
that you have a brother?

He told me
while he was in London

for the Charles Dickens
Holiday Festival.

We've gone together every year
since I was a boy.

How nice.

The only place he ever took me
was the travel agent

so that he could buy
his plane tickets --

[ Gasps ]

...to England.

Ah.

Interesting tidbit --

not only are you
both professors,

but you're both authors,
too.

That's right. Greg, I
read your John Stuart Mill
book on the plane.

I absolutely loved it.

Thank you.

[ Whispering ] You need to say
something to him right now.

Talk to him.
Say something!

What's your book about?

Books, technically.

It's a series of novels
about the Norman Conquest.

A series? Wow.

I mean, don't feel obligated
to read it.

It's a lot.

Uh, just wait for it
to come out in theaters.

Unless you don't like
George Clooney.

Then just skip it.

Dad, this is crazy.

Uncle Greg
is exactly like you,

only the way-better
version.

What an astute
observation, son.

No, seriously.

He's Restoration Hardware,

and you're whatever
discount brand this couch is.

Katie, could you help me change
the toner on the printer?

Why don't you ask
Oliver --

It needs to be you,
and it needs to be now.

Is...?

So, if you're looking for
the bathroom, what do you say?

"Which way to the loo?"

Amazing.

Clear your Monday.
I'm taking you to show-and-tell.

Ah, okay.

Just wondering out loud,
but what made you think

for the holidays,
I would want a visit

from my father's
illegitimate love child?

Well, I asked
Doris and Angela,

and they said
I definitely should.

Definitely don't do that.
That is the worst idea
I've ever heard.

Mm...you know what?
I'm gonna do it.

I just thought
it would be nice for you

to have more family
in your life

since you stopped talking
to your parents.

I don't need more family
in my life,

and I don't need you
meddling in my business.

That's a wife's job.
I'm mucking around in your pond.

What?
Your pond.
Your emotional pond.

What does that mean?
On the surface, a pond
is still and tranquil.

You got to get down
to the bottom

and bring
all the bad stuff up.

Why would you
want to do that?!

To heal?
I don't know.

I don't write the Lifetime
movies, Greg. I just watch them.

Now, listen -- I love you,
and I'm trying to help you.

So go out there
and appreciate it.

Fine.

But for the record,

are we really sure
he is who he says he is?

He could be grifting us.

I'll be sure to lock up

our collection
of ketchup packets.

Look! Uncle Greg figured out how
to make the meat rolls stick.

I spent a little time
in Bavaria.

I know my way
around a meat tree.

What were you
doing there?

I guess just being handsome
and younger than me.

♪♪

♪♪

Looks good.

Fan me.

♪♪

[ Click, whirring ]

What do we do now?

We'll wait for it to dry.

In the meantime, we'll go
downstairs and act natural.

I don't like
lying to Mom.

It's not a lie.
It's a cover-up.

Like how the moon landing
was filmed on a soundstage

in Arizona?

The Internet
is not good for you.

Katie: I'm just grabbing
Nana's platter.

[ Click, whirring stops ]
Then I'm coming right back
to meat tree it up!

She's coming up for the platter.
We're so busted!

Relax.

We'll do that thing
where we fight in front of her

and she gets annoyed
and then forgets

what she was gonna do
in the first place.

[ Drawer opens ]

Follow me.

Mom, Oliver ate
all the M&M's

out of my giant
Christmas candy cane.

I didn't see
your name on it!

My name is literally
written on it

in huge, green,
sparkly letters!

Well, maybe if you --
Hey, can you guys
please stop?

All I want for Christmas
is for you two to get along.

Is that too much to ask?

No.
No.

Thank you.

Wait. Why did I
come up here?

To ask us to come downstairs
and visit more with Uncle Greg?

Oh, right!

Don't take long.

Whoa.

You just controlled
her mind.

You're like that fungus
that gets into an ant's brain,

then makes the ant climb
to the top of a tree

and then blows up
the ant's head

so the fungal spores
go all over the forest.

Yeah, I guess I am.

♪♪

Oh. Hey.

Hope you don't mind.

Just snooping around
your office a bit.

Ah, these photos of your family
are lovely.

All I have on my walls
are degrees and awards.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.
We all get it.

You're the more successful
brother. Congrats.

What?

Oh, no,
you've got it all wrong.

You've got the lovely wife
and the three amazing kids.

I'm all alone.

No, you're
the more successful brother.

I am?

That's why I came to America
so quickly

when I found out
I had a sibling.

I mean, the one thing
I've always wanted is a family.

You never married?

No, just a series
of vapid models,

bouncing around from
nimble woman to nimble woman,

most of them half my age.

Let's move on
from your sad love life.

But you understand
the importance of family.

That's why I'm sure
you would've tracked me down

as soon as you found out
about me,

but Katie cooked up
this little surprise instead.

[ Door opens, closes ]
Yeah. O-Of course.
I-I would've come running.

Katie: Greg!
Can you come in here, please?

Coming.
Coming.

Oh, that's...
probably you.

Katie: Look who's here, Greg --
my mother.

What a surprise.

Yeah, well, uh,
Greg called me and said

how much you missed me,
so I just stuffed your father

with the loose pills I found
at the bottom of my purse

and came right over.

Oh, that is
so sweet of him.

Greg, can you come
in the office

and help me check
on the printer toner again?

Katie, I can --
We're low on magenta,
Greg.

We're low.

Happy Christmas.

I have no idea
who you are,

but I have a feeling you know
how to make a rum hot toddy.

That, I do.

Alright, then.

Oh, my God.

A meat tree?

I thought I buried
that tradition with my mother.

Um, what the hell, Greg?

Let me explain.

When I invited your mom,
it was in retaliation

to you inviting my brother
without asking me.

But in the meantime --
and here's the funny twist --

my brother and I had
a really nice moment,

and I realized
you were right.

I am super mad at you.

But real quick --
what am I right about?

I do regret not calling
my brother for two years.

My pond
needed to be mucked.

Maybe yours does, too.

Maybe me
revenge-inviting your mom

was a good thing.

I just wanted to bond
with Taylor,

and now my mother
is going to ruin it.

In the future, leave the mucking
to the professionals.

[ Piano plays ]

♪ You better watch out,
you better not cry ♪

♪ You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why ♪

♪ Santa Claus... ♪

Wow.
He plays the piano, too.

He has a very sad,
lonely life.

♪ Santa Claus is comin' ♪

♪ To toooooooooooown ♪

[ Laughter ]

What a nice Christmas
this is turning out to be.

I'm just thrilled to be
with family this year.

Kathryn: Oh, Greg,
your brother is fabulous.

Why did it take you two years
to get in touch with him?

Pardon?

Yeah, yeah,
two years ago Thanksgiving,

Greg's mother let it slip

that his dad
had a second family.

Ugh.
It was so uncomfortable.

And everybody
was miserable.

I loved it.
[ Chuckles ]

You knew about me
two years ago

and never thought to call?

It's complicated, Greg.

You lied to me, Greg.

That makes you
no better than Dad.

Uh, I need some air.

Kathryn: Ooh.

[ Door opens ]
This could give
that Thanksgiving

a run for its money.
[ Door closes ]

Now I see why you didn't want
your mother here for Christmas.

Wait, w-- You --
You didn't want me here?

Then why did he call me
and say that you did?

He invited you here
to get back at me

for inviting his brother
without asking him.

Oh, so this was
a spite invite?

Just for that,
I am staying for two weeks.

I didn't know you didn't
want to see your brother,

but you knew I didn't
want to see my mother.

[ Scoffs ]
I'm staying three weeks,

and I'm wearing
the shorty robe.

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Both sigh ]

There goes the drama-free
Christmas we wanted.

Worst part is,
it's all our fault.

Should've just gotten
you the flashlight
I saw on Facebook.

It also can break a windshield
if you drive into a lake.

Smart.

I'm gonna go out front
and wait for my brother.

You go deal with your mom.

Why are the holidays
about family?

Why can't it just be
about Chinese food

and going to the movies?

Should we become Jewish?

I don't know. Maybe.

Ehh.

[ Katie sighs ]

[ Door closes ]

Hi, Mom.

I get it.
You hate me.

Is it because I missed
most of your birthday parties?

Or because I made out with
your boyfriend in high school?

Because I told you --
Mom, I know.

He kissed you, and you were
just being polite.

Exactly.

You're making this
very hard for me

to say I'm sorry
about all this.

Well, why didn't you want me
to come to Christmas Eve dinner?

I knew you would
get in the way

of me doing my thing
with Taylor.

You tend to be
somewhat judgmental.

Oh, stop it.
I --

[ Sniffs ]

Oh. Where'd you get this wine?
The car wash?

[ Chuckles ]

I see.

Building this with Taylor
this year

was just too important
for you to mess up.

Well, why is this year
so important?

Because next year,
she's going off to college,

and this is
her last Christmas at home.

So? She'll be back.

I told you I'd come back,
and I never did.

Yeah, but why would you
come back?

I mean, I was a terrible mother.
You're not.

You take an interest
in Taylor's life.

[ Sighs ]
She'll be back.

You think?

Trust me.

Uh...my Spam angel
isn't exactly turning out.

Don't worry about it.

Meat tree is off.

Yes!

You're the best mom.

How about we start a new
tradition that's not nauseating?

Something that the three of us
can do together.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

We could build
a snowman.

I don't think
Grandma wants to stand

out in the freezing cold,
honey.

Actually, Grandma has
her own holiday tradition

that keeps her
very warm.

[ Chuckles ]

Mm.

What are we gonna do
with this?

♪♪

[ Whimpers ]

Even he thinks
it's gross.

It's not Christmas
without Nana's platter, Mom.

That's what
I went upstairs for.

Thank you, sweetie.

[ Gasps ]

What the hell?

That platter survived
two world wars

and Lee Majors'
Christmas Bacchanalia.

[ Both sigh ]

I can't believe
I did this.

Mom,
it wasn't your fault.

You didn't break the platter.
We did.

Anna-Kat:
We glued it back together,

but we didn't let it dry
long enough.

I can't believe
the two of you did this.

Anna-Kat was there, but I
convinced her to cover it up.

Oliver, you are in
so much troub--

To be fair, Mom,
all you wanted for Christmas

was for us to get along,
and...

look at us.

So you're saying you worked
together to deceive me,

and that's how
you got along?

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Okay.

But because of this,
you two are going to repair it

so that Taylor
can inherit it.

You seriously don't have
one piece of jewelry to give me?

Mnh-mnh.

♪♪

It's pretty cold out here
for a walk.

You've been gone
a while.

"Blow, blow,
thou winter wind,

thou art not so unkind
as man's ingratitude."

I deserve that.

Nothing stings quite as much
as a good Shakespearean burn.

I'm sorry I didn't try
and find you

as soon as Dad told me
I had a brother.

I think I was still
angry with him,

and I took it out
on you.

Yeah, I can see that.

Now that I've met you,
I understand

why he never approved
of anything I did.

He had another son
he approved of -- you.

That's not really
the truth, Greg.

I was sent away to
boarding school when I was 7.

Dad saw me
two weeks a year.

I now realize
that's 'cause he was here

the rest of the year --
with you.

He was, but he took
absolutely no interest in me.

Ah.

So I guess
we were both neglected,

just in different ways.

It's funny --
you're the only other person

who knows what it's like
to have our father.

And who knows the crazy sound
he makes after he sneezes.

Both: Achoo-floo-floo!

What is that?
[ Chuckling ]
I don't know.

[ Sighs ]

So...brothers?

Ah, brothers.

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

I think it's time
we show these kids

how to have
a real snowball fight!

Come on, American Greg!

So, Dad never taught you
to throw a ball, either?

No, he did not.
Mm.

Let's get 'em!

[ Laughter, screaming ]

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

It is?
Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

You want
to cock it back...

Okay.
...step, throw.

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Camera clicks ]

♪♪

When everyone's asleep,
let's add our gifts to Santa's.

Now that I have
a brother,

we have so much brother stuff
to catch up on.

I'm glad that you're excited
that you have a brother.

I am.

I'm glad
you mucked in my pond.

Thank you, honey.

Uh, quick question.

I know that Taylor is,
but is Oliver of drinking age?

None of the kids
are old enough to drink.

Right.

I knew that.

Kids, bad news!

Ugh.

Next time, Greg,
just drown me in the pond.

♪ Hark! The herald angels sing ♪

♪ "Glory to the newborn King ♪

♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled" ♪

♪ Joyful, all ye nations rise ♪

♪ Join the triumph
of the skies ♪

♪ With angelic hosts proclaim ♪

♪ "Christ is born
in Bethlehem" ♪

♪ Hark! The herald a-- ♪

Oliver.

♪♪