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1
00:00:03,315 --> 00:00:05,978
‐ Ugh.
All Janet voids are nothing,
2
00:00:05,979 --> 00:00:10,318
but Neutral Janet voids are,
like, the most nothing.
3
00:00:10,319 --> 00:00:12,488
‐ Judge, please, please
don't cancel Earth.
4
00:00:12,489 --> 00:00:13,697
‐ Why not?
5
00:00:13,698 --> 00:00:15,491
The system's broken.
You guys proved it.
6
00:00:15,492 --> 00:00:16,784
I just want to reboot
the whole thing,
7
00:00:16,785 --> 00:00:18,202
and go back to my chambers.
8
00:00:18,203 --> 00:00:19,787
I am on season three
of "Justified,"
9
00:00:19,788 --> 00:00:23,541
and can I just tell you,
it is... so good.
10
00:00:23,542 --> 00:00:26,669
I, like, binged
all of season two in a day.
11
00:00:26,670 --> 00:00:28,129
‐ Think of all the amazing
human achievement
12
00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:29,505
you'd be eliminating.
13
00:00:29,506 --> 00:00:31,340
The works
of William Shakespeare.
14
00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:33,217
The Pyramids.
Timothy Olyphant.
15
00:00:33,218 --> 00:00:35,386
‐ [gasps] Ooh, that one stings.
16
00:00:35,387 --> 00:00:38,681
There's, like, 50 gallons
of man in a 10‐gallon hat.
17
00:00:38,682 --> 00:00:40,599
I'm, like, oh!
18
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,518
Look, I'm the freaking Judge,
19
00:00:42,519 --> 00:00:44,353
and I made a freaking ruling,
20
00:00:44,354 --> 00:00:46,564
and it's gonna freaking happen,
21
00:00:46,565 --> 00:00:49,567
soon as I find
the freaking clicker thing.
22
00:00:49,568 --> 00:00:51,360
All right, what do I search for?
23
00:00:51,361 --> 00:00:55,406
Humanity eraser button garage
door opener thingy judge.
24
00:00:55,407 --> 00:00:58,075
[computer buzzes]
[grunts]
25
00:00:58,076 --> 00:00:59,577
[chiming]
26
00:00:59,578 --> 00:01:02,204
Well, it wasn't in you.
Any last words?
27
00:01:02,205 --> 00:01:04,874
‐ These are my last words.
End of words.
28
00:01:04,875 --> 00:01:07,168
‐ Yes.
Really boring.
29
00:01:07,169 --> 00:01:09,044
Bye!
30
00:01:09,045 --> 00:01:11,255
All right, who's next?
31
00:01:11,256 --> 00:01:14,341
‐ Your dad's pimply butt,
you fat dink.
32
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:17,386
‐ That is so interesting
because last time I checked,
33
00:01:17,387 --> 00:01:19,680
I didn't have a dad.
34
00:01:19,681 --> 00:01:22,892
That's why I'm attracted
to all the father figures
35
00:01:22,893 --> 00:01:24,935
on the TV shows I watch.
36
00:01:24,936 --> 00:01:27,104
Mm‐kmm?
37
00:01:27,105 --> 00:01:28,439
‐ We can't play
keep‐away forever.
38
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,191
‐ Keep trying.
Get her to see the light.
39
00:01:30,192 --> 00:01:31,109
‐ I already
showed her the light.
40
00:01:31,110 --> 00:01:32,777
She wasn't impressed.
41
00:01:32,778 --> 00:01:34,612
To be fair, she was there
when it was invented.
42
00:01:34,613 --> 00:01:36,280
‐ Hey, bud?
‐ Hi.
43
00:01:36,281 --> 00:01:38,574
‐ I know you're trying to think
of ways to save
44
00:01:38,575 --> 00:01:40,451
every soul
who's ever lived and whatnot,
45
00:01:40,452 --> 00:01:42,912
but, um, we may only have
a half hour left to exist,
46
00:01:42,913 --> 00:01:47,124
so I just wanted to check
in with you vis‐à‐vis...
47
00:01:47,125 --> 00:01:48,292
us.
48
00:01:48,293 --> 00:01:50,794
‐ Oh, okay, yeah.
Cool.
49
00:01:50,795 --> 00:01:51,962
I love you.
50
00:01:51,963 --> 00:01:53,130
‐ Whoa.
Really?
51
00:01:53,131 --> 00:01:54,548
‐ Yeah.
52
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:56,800
I love you.
So, uh, do you love me?
53
00:01:56,801 --> 00:01:57,885
‐ Yeah, I do.
54
00:01:57,886 --> 00:02:00,304
‐ Well, then, cool!
55
00:02:00,305 --> 00:02:02,306
You and I are on our way
to Coolsville.
56
00:02:02,307 --> 00:02:06,310
‐ You seem oddly sure,
which is unlike you, but...
57
00:02:06,311 --> 00:02:07,436
it's kind of doing it for me.
58
00:02:07,437 --> 00:02:08,979
Should we get out of here?
59
00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:11,148
No, but I like the confidence.
60
00:02:11,149 --> 00:02:12,316
‐ Well, when you have a thousand
61
00:02:12,317 --> 00:02:13,567
different versions of yourself
62
00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,069
over multiple timelines
63
00:02:15,070 --> 00:02:16,570
fused and instantly placed
64
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,072
into your consciousness,
it gives you a real
65
00:02:18,073 --> 00:02:19,114
sense of clarity.
66
00:02:19,115 --> 00:02:20,741
‐ You saw the time knife, huh?
67
00:02:20,742 --> 00:02:23,285
‐ Yep.
Saw the time knife.
68
00:02:23,286 --> 00:02:24,912
It was neat.
69
00:02:24,913 --> 00:02:28,499
Okay, let's save humanity,
shall we?
70
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:31,001
Can one of you Janets
get me a chalkboard
71
00:02:31,002 --> 00:02:33,796
and a copy of Judith Shklar's
"Ordinary Vices?"
72
00:02:33,797 --> 00:02:35,005
Oh, and maybe
some warm pretzels.
73
00:02:35,006 --> 00:02:36,674
If we going out,
74
00:02:36,675 --> 00:02:38,968
I'm going out with a belly
full of warm pretzels.
75
00:02:38,969 --> 00:02:40,678
Yummy, yum, yum.
76
00:02:40,679 --> 00:02:41,762
Yummy!
77
00:02:41,763 --> 00:02:44,807
[serene music]
78
00:02:44,808 --> 00:02:47,685
♪ ♪
79
00:02:47,686 --> 00:02:50,187
‐ Okay,
before we try to completely
80
00:02:50,188 --> 00:02:51,939
redesign the entire afterlife,
81
00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:53,858
has anyone just thought
of a good reason
82
00:02:53,859 --> 00:02:56,151
the Judge
shouldn't cancel Earth?
83
00:02:56,152 --> 00:02:57,695
‐ Because it would be a bummer.
84
00:02:57,696 --> 00:02:59,363
‐ Yeah, we might need
more than that.
85
00:02:59,364 --> 00:03:01,866
‐ Are you at least
gonna write it down?
86
00:03:01,867 --> 00:03:04,368
‐ [mutters]
87
00:03:04,369 --> 00:03:05,703
‐ Did you actually
write it down,
88
00:03:05,704 --> 00:03:07,538
or did you just do
a scribble‐scrabble?
89
00:03:07,539 --> 00:03:09,540
‐ Okay, we need to think bigger.
90
00:03:09,541 --> 00:03:12,001
We need to come up with an
entirely new afterlife system
91
00:03:12,002 --> 00:03:14,378
that both the Good
and Bad Places agree on,
92
00:03:14,379 --> 00:03:16,839
which seems impossible.
93
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,340
‐ Nonsense.
94
00:03:18,341 --> 00:03:19,842
Compromise is always possible.
95
00:03:19,843 --> 00:03:22,011
I was once in Portofino
with Bruno Mars,
96
00:03:22,012 --> 00:03:23,804
LeBron James,
and Dr. Ruth Westheimer‐‐
97
00:03:23,805 --> 00:03:25,347
‐ We don't have time
for this right now, babe.
98
00:03:25,348 --> 00:03:26,724
‐ Fine. Long story short,
99
00:03:26,725 --> 00:03:28,601
LeBron performed
a successful tracheotomy,
100
00:03:28,602 --> 00:03:30,394
the son won multiple Grammys,
101
00:03:30,395 --> 00:03:31,854
and everyone was really happy.
102
00:03:31,855 --> 00:03:33,355
‐ Well, now I want to hear
the story.
103
00:03:33,356 --> 00:03:35,357
‐ No, you're right.
Let's focus.
104
00:03:35,358 --> 00:03:38,569
‐ So, in this essay,
"Putting Cruelty First,"
105
00:03:38,570 --> 00:03:41,405
Judith Shklar contends
that we should consider
106
00:03:41,406 --> 00:03:44,408
cruelty as society's
primary flaw.
107
00:03:44,409 --> 00:03:46,744
‐ I'm sorry,
are you wearing roller skates?
108
00:03:46,745 --> 00:03:49,079
‐ Yeah.
I got them from Disco Janet.
109
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,080
Thanks, Disco Janet.
110
00:03:50,081 --> 00:03:51,248
‐ Solid.
111
00:03:51,249 --> 00:03:52,416
‐ Anyway, here's her point.
112
00:03:52,417 --> 00:03:54,251
Imagine someone sells a joint
113
00:03:54,252 --> 00:03:57,421
and then gets locked away in
a dangerous prison for years.
114
00:03:57,422 --> 00:04:00,257
The crime isn't cruel,
but the punishment is.
115
00:04:00,258 --> 00:04:01,258
That's a problem.
116
00:04:01,259 --> 00:04:02,259
‐ Tell me about it.
117
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,677
I once went to jail for a week
118
00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:06,013
just because I stole a hot dog.
119
00:04:06,014 --> 00:04:07,473
Well, a hot‐dog‐shaped car.
120
00:04:07,474 --> 00:04:09,058
I stole the Wienermobile.
121
00:04:09,059 --> 00:04:11,101
‐ This is the problem
with the current system.
122
00:04:11,102 --> 00:04:12,936
Live anything less
than the most exemplary life,
123
00:04:12,937 --> 00:04:15,397
and you are brutally tortured
forever with no recourse.
124
00:04:15,398 --> 00:04:17,232
The cruelty of the punishment
125
00:04:17,233 --> 00:04:20,361
does not match the cruelty
of the life that one has lived.
126
00:04:20,362 --> 00:04:23,781
Now, watch this spin.
127
00:04:23,782 --> 00:04:25,950
‐ So we need to come up
with a system
128
00:04:25,951 --> 00:04:27,785
that will result
in the least amount
129
00:04:27,786 --> 00:04:29,787
of cruelty and suffering
to those who don't deserve it.
130
00:04:29,788 --> 00:04:32,581
This is a problem of justice.
131
00:04:32,582 --> 00:04:37,461
[upbeat music]
132
00:04:37,462 --> 00:04:39,546
‐ Hearing you talk about
philosophical concepts
133
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,298
of justice is sexy.
134
00:04:41,299 --> 00:04:42,466
You want to get out of here?
135
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:44,802
‐ Yes. No.
Keep going.
136
00:04:44,803 --> 00:04:48,097
‐ Ugh.
Bad Janet voids are the worst.
137
00:04:48,098 --> 00:04:50,516
Music off!
138
00:04:50,517 --> 00:04:51,850
[volume increases]
Oh, right, I forgot.
139
00:04:51,851 --> 00:04:53,811
Make it louder!
[music stops]
140
00:04:53,812 --> 00:04:56,313
‐ What if you start
humanity over from scratch,
141
00:04:56,314 --> 00:04:58,232
and humans evolve
over millions of years
142
00:04:58,233 --> 00:04:59,650
and they end up worse?
143
00:04:59,651 --> 00:05:01,777
What if they invent
rap‐rock sooner,
144
00:05:01,778 --> 00:05:03,445
and it becomes
the only kind of music?
145
00:05:03,446 --> 00:05:05,322
Do you really want to oversee
an entire world
146
00:05:05,323 --> 00:05:08,117
of Limp Bizkits
run by Emperor Kid Rock?
147
00:05:08,118 --> 00:05:09,618
‐ Not my problem.
148
00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:12,579
All right, here we go.
Software update?
149
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,331
No, cancel.
150
00:05:14,332 --> 00:05:15,833
Why is it doing it now?
151
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:18,961
[grunts]
This computer sucks.
152
00:05:18,962 --> 00:05:19,962
[voice hurls]
153
00:05:23,508 --> 00:05:25,509
Okay, mama.
See you in the next life.
154
00:05:25,510 --> 00:05:26,969
‐ Before you marbleize me,
155
00:05:26,970 --> 00:05:28,512
can I just make
one final statement
156
00:05:28,513 --> 00:05:30,347
to summarize how I really feel?
157
00:05:30,348 --> 00:05:31,557
‐ I think I know
where this is going.
158
00:05:31,558 --> 00:05:34,686
[loud farting]
159
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,987
Okay, Disco Janet, you're up.
160
00:05:44,988 --> 00:05:46,363
‐ Out of sight.
161
00:05:46,364 --> 00:05:47,865
‐ What are you guys
still doing here?
162
00:05:47,866 --> 00:05:50,367
Just go back to Mindy's
and have a lukewarm beer,
163
00:05:50,368 --> 00:05:51,618
and wait for me
to end you there.
164
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,203
Except for you, cookie‐puss.
165
00:05:53,204 --> 00:05:55,790
I'll always make room for you.
166
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:59,043
‐ Wait a second.
That's it.
167
00:05:59,044 --> 00:06:00,377
‐ I agree.
168
00:06:00,378 --> 00:06:01,378
Chidi should
hook up with the Judge
169
00:06:01,379 --> 00:06:02,546
to get us out of trouble.
170
00:06:02,547 --> 00:06:04,006
I'd done that a bunch of times.
171
00:06:04,007 --> 00:06:05,340
It's called
a Jacksonville plea bargain.
172
00:06:05,341 --> 00:06:07,342
‐ No, Mindy's house.
173
00:06:07,343 --> 00:06:10,387
Eleanor always thought
there should be a Medium Place
174
00:06:10,388 --> 00:06:11,722
for people who led medium lives.
175
00:06:11,723 --> 00:06:13,557
That's the answer.
176
00:06:13,558 --> 00:06:15,100
We make the Medium Place
a third option.
177
00:06:15,101 --> 00:06:16,727
‐ Of course.
178
00:06:16,728 --> 00:06:19,521
Maybe if you score
negative points on Earth...
179
00:06:19,522 --> 00:06:20,898
sorry, you blew it.
180
00:06:20,899 --> 00:06:22,649
Enjoy having
your penis flattened.
181
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,569
Over a million or whatever,
party time.
182
00:06:25,570 --> 00:06:26,904
And everyone else in between
183
00:06:26,905 --> 00:06:29,740
gets their own
personal Cincinnati.
184
00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:31,241
‐ It's definitely less cruel
than the current system,
185
00:06:31,242 --> 00:06:33,202
but it's not great.
186
00:06:33,203 --> 00:06:35,996
‐ Well, it might be the best we
can do given the circumstances.
187
00:06:35,997 --> 00:06:37,581
Let's try to sell it
to the brass.
188
00:06:37,582 --> 00:06:39,083
[overlapping chatter]
189
00:06:39,084 --> 00:06:40,501
‐ Hello, all.
190
00:06:40,502 --> 00:06:41,668
Thought as the universe
is ending,
191
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,587
you'd be less cheery.
192
00:06:43,588 --> 00:06:45,380
‐ Hard not to be cheery
when you're eating
193
00:06:45,381 --> 00:06:47,216
this delicious frozen yogurt.
194
00:06:47,217 --> 00:06:49,176
‐ I got a small amount
of each flavor.
195
00:06:49,177 --> 00:06:51,094
It's the only way to ensure
a mouthful of compromise.
196
00:06:51,095 --> 00:06:53,013
‐ You are so right.
‐ Well said.
197
00:06:53,014 --> 00:06:55,140
‐ Shut up!
Shut up.
198
00:06:55,141 --> 00:06:57,142
Hi.
Shut up.
199
00:06:57,143 --> 00:06:58,143
I'm confident now.
200
00:06:58,144 --> 00:06:59,186
‐ Oh, sorry.
201
00:06:59,187 --> 00:07:00,270
We're just short on time.
202
00:07:00,271 --> 00:07:02,356
Look, we have a new idea
203
00:07:02,357 --> 00:07:05,192
about how humans could be
placed in the afterlife‐‐
204
00:07:05,193 --> 00:07:06,860
‐ We love it.
We're in.
205
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,111
‐ You don't even
want to hear it?
206
00:07:08,112 --> 00:07:09,404
‐ Nope. If you guys
came up with it,
207
00:07:09,405 --> 00:07:11,114
it must be good.
208
00:07:11,115 --> 00:07:13,116
‐ Guys, they said yes.
Let's take the win.
209
00:07:13,117 --> 00:07:14,451
Now all we have to do
is convince Shawn.
210
00:07:14,452 --> 00:07:16,119
‐ I'll take the lead.
211
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,788
If I can convince Dr. Ruth
not to sue Bruno Mars
212
00:07:17,789 --> 00:07:19,456
over songwriting credit
on "Uptown Funk,"
213
00:07:19,457 --> 00:07:21,084
I can handle this.
214
00:07:21,085 --> 00:07:23,777
‐ Okay, you gotta tell me
that story on the way.
215
00:07:27,557 --> 00:07:29,419
‐ So anyone who doesn't
meet the threshold
216
00:07:29,420 --> 00:07:31,075
for the new Medium Place
Neighborhood
217
00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:32,167
is yours for the taking.
218
00:07:32,168 --> 00:07:34,588
The Bad Place still has plenty
of people to torture.
219
00:07:34,589 --> 00:07:37,731
‐ I have to admit
this does make sense.
220
00:07:37,732 --> 00:07:40,208
And I like that your side
is settling for a crappy deal
221
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,252
while my side
stays mostly the same.
222
00:07:43,253 --> 00:07:44,921
What the hell.
223
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,380
I'm in.
224
00:07:46,381 --> 00:07:48,090
‐ Really?
‐ No.
225
00:07:48,091 --> 00:07:50,426
[laughs]
You actually believed me?
226
00:07:50,427 --> 00:07:52,929
‐ Dude, in 20 minutes,
all of humanity
227
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:54,222
is going to be erased forever.
228
00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:55,765
‐ And?
229
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,100
‐ The Bad Place
will get emptied out, too.
230
00:07:58,101 --> 00:08:00,436
You will have no one to torture
for billions of years.
231
00:08:00,437 --> 00:08:02,063
Everyone loses.
232
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:03,898
‐ Oh, I know.
233
00:08:03,899 --> 00:08:05,608
But here's the thing.
234
00:08:05,609 --> 00:08:10,446
I don't care if everyone loses
as long as you lose.
235
00:08:10,447 --> 00:08:13,449
‐ Shawn, listen to reason.
‐ Why should I?
236
00:08:13,450 --> 00:08:14,742
None of this would've
happened if you hadn't
237
00:08:14,743 --> 00:08:16,285
mucked around
with your Neighborhood
238
00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:18,663
and your new ideas.
239
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,123
New ideas are gross.
They sicken me.
240
00:08:21,124 --> 00:08:25,795
‐ Shawn, you used to be cool,
but you've changed, man.
241
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,255
‐ I'm gonna go write
an evil speech
242
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:28,464
for when this is all over.
243
00:08:28,465 --> 00:08:31,801
It is gonna be so long.
244
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:34,136
[disco music]
245
00:08:34,137 --> 00:08:38,307
both: ♪ You can ring my bell ♪
246
00:08:38,308 --> 00:08:39,600
‐ ♪ Ring my bell ♪
247
00:08:39,601 --> 00:08:41,644
‐ Whoa!
248
00:08:41,645 --> 00:08:45,982
‐ ♪ You can ring my bell ♪
249
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:47,150
‐ Wait a second.
250
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,484
What was I doing?
251
00:08:48,485 --> 00:08:49,777
‐ I'll tell you
what you were doing.
252
00:08:49,778 --> 00:08:51,654
You were tearing
up the dance floor.
253
00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:54,323
‐ No, I was looking
for the stupid clicker thingy.
254
00:08:54,324 --> 00:08:57,118
God, those infectious
disco grooves.
255
00:08:57,119 --> 00:08:58,995
‐ So wait, wait, wait, wait.
256
00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:01,038
We have this amazing new idea,
and Shawn is almost on board.
257
00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:02,665
Maybe if you talk to him,
258
00:09:02,666 --> 00:09:03,791
you could nudge him
towards an agreement.
259
00:09:03,792 --> 00:09:06,502
‐ I don't take sides.
I am the Judge.
260
00:09:06,503 --> 00:09:10,173
My only concerns
are fairness and impartiality.
261
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:14,468
♪ Gonna erase the Earth ♪
262
00:09:14,469 --> 00:09:16,304
♪ Erase the Earth ♪
263
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:19,974
That song is really my yam.
264
00:09:19,975 --> 00:09:22,351
Humanity eraser thingy.
265
00:09:22,352 --> 00:09:23,645
[buzzer sounds]
266
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,523
Welp. Later, skater.
267
00:09:27,524 --> 00:09:29,026
‐ Keep on truckin'.
268
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,194
‐ Next!
269
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,653
‐ Even for a demon,
270
00:09:32,654 --> 00:09:34,697
Shawn is being a real knob.
271
00:09:34,698 --> 00:09:36,532
‐ Guys, I know
what we have to offer him
272
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:38,201
to get him to change his mind.
273
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:41,245
‐ What?
‐ Something he wants.
274
00:09:41,246 --> 00:09:43,581
Once we figure that out,
we're golden.
275
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:44,707
‐ It's pointless.
276
00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:46,000
He's so focused on beating us
277
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:48,502
that he's willing
to burn everything down.
278
00:09:48,503 --> 00:09:50,338
There's nothing
we can offer him.
279
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:53,216
‐ Actually,
there is something he wants.
280
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:55,509
Cruelty.
281
00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:57,679
So let's give it to him.
282
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:07,688
‐ Oh, hey, guys.
Just smashing some stuff.
283
00:10:07,689 --> 00:10:09,023
What's up?
‐ Listen, demon,
284
00:10:09,024 --> 00:10:10,691
we know how much
you want us to lose,
285
00:10:10,692 --> 00:10:12,735
so we volunteer
to lose permanently
286
00:10:12,736 --> 00:10:14,362
if you agree to let the Judge
287
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:17,365
establish a real Medium Place.
288
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,408
You can torture
the four of us...
289
00:10:19,409 --> 00:10:20,576
forever.
290
00:10:20,577 --> 00:10:21,911
‐ Really?
‐ Yeah.
291
00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:24,580
This is a classic
trolley problem.
292
00:10:24,581 --> 00:10:26,582
One of your boys sets off
a stink bomb on the trolley,
293
00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:28,542
causing a commotion
so the rest of the group
294
00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:30,711
can pickpocket people
as they run off the train.
295
00:10:30,712 --> 00:10:33,714
‐ That's very wrong,
but in a roundabout way,
296
00:10:33,715 --> 00:10:35,591
you kind of got
where you needed to be.
297
00:10:35,592 --> 00:10:37,593
‐ I'll even give you
a head start on my torture.
298
00:10:37,594 --> 00:10:39,553
I cannot pull off
the "mod" look.
299
00:10:39,554 --> 00:10:41,097
‐ You can take me, too.
300
00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,556
I couldn't live with myself
301
00:10:42,557 --> 00:10:46,102
knowing you four
were down there without me.
302
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,729
‐ Wow. This is a toughy.
303
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:50,273
On one hand, I would love to get
304
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,774
some spiders in those buttholes.
305
00:10:51,775 --> 00:10:53,442
On the other hand,
there would be billions
306
00:10:53,443 --> 00:10:56,237
of buttholes going
completely un‐spidered.
307
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,780
How about this?
308
00:10:57,781 --> 00:10:59,949
Everyone who dies
go to the Bad Place...
309
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:02,118
and I get to torture all of you.
310
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,286
‐ Sounds good to us.
311
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:04,829
‐ No, dummies.
312
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,831
That's already how it works,
313
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,291
except we're also tortured.
314
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:09,959
‐ Look,
I put forward a proposal.
315
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,794
Are you not even going
to negotiate?
316
00:11:11,795 --> 00:11:14,130
‐ He's got a point.
The fair thing for us to do is
317
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,965
just keep on giving up
more and more stuff
318
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,426
we want unilaterally until
this demon's finally happy.
319
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,094
‐ Fork this.
320
00:11:20,095 --> 00:11:22,930
If we're gonna lose,
let's lose on our own terms.
321
00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:25,099
Let's come up
with a completely new idea
322
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,977
that actually
makes the universe better.
323
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,146
‐ Amen. At least then,
we can hold our heads high.
324
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:33,149
Okay, we need to come up
with our ideal plan
325
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,817
in about 10 minutes.
326
00:11:34,818 --> 00:11:38,321
‐ Guys, it's all come to this.
327
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:40,990
Everything we've been through...
328
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,825
multiple lives you led on Earth,
329
00:11:42,826 --> 00:11:45,161
all the lives you led here,
330
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:48,873
all the ethics training
and lessons and journeys
331
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:51,834
to the farthest
corners of the afterlife
332
00:11:51,835 --> 00:11:55,671
all happened so that
we could be here together...
333
00:11:55,672 --> 00:11:58,841
as the very best
versions of ourselves,
334
00:11:58,842 --> 00:12:02,136
to solve the ultimate problem...
335
00:12:02,137 --> 00:12:03,512
in the nick of time.
336
00:12:03,513 --> 00:12:07,308
‐ Cool speech.
Now it's nine minutes.
337
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:09,352
‐ Chidi, can you do this?
338
00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:10,811
‐ Actually, what you just said,
339
00:12:10,812 --> 00:12:12,480
the very best versions
of ourselves,
340
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:14,482
gave me an idea.
341
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:16,319
‐ Huh. Turns out
it was a cool speech.
342
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,927
[glass shatters]
343
00:12:22,404 --> 00:12:24,196
‐ Not in you, either.
344
00:12:24,197 --> 00:12:25,364
‐ I just have one thing
left to say.
345
00:12:25,365 --> 00:12:26,740
‐ [babbles] ‐ No.
346
00:12:26,741 --> 00:12:28,512
‐ Not falling for that again.
347
00:12:28,513 --> 00:12:29,680
[farting noise]
348
00:12:29,681 --> 00:12:32,110
Man, she is committed.
349
00:12:32,111 --> 00:12:33,745
That just leaves you.
350
00:12:33,746 --> 00:12:36,164
‐ Your honor, we have an idea
we'd like to present‐‐
351
00:12:36,165 --> 00:12:38,583
‐ Not interested, stretch.
352
00:12:38,584 --> 00:12:39,918
‐ How can we convince her
of our plan
353
00:12:39,919 --> 00:12:41,420
if she won't even listen?
354
00:12:41,421 --> 00:12:42,921
‐ Well, if she's not gonna
stay out here,
355
00:12:42,922 --> 00:12:44,423
you gotta go in there.
356
00:12:44,424 --> 00:12:46,925
‐ But that didn't really work
great last time.
357
00:12:46,926 --> 00:12:49,177
‐ Yeah, it wasn't an amazing,
but she's gonna marbleize me
358
00:12:49,178 --> 00:12:51,096
in, like, two minutes,
so we might as well try.
359
00:12:51,097 --> 00:12:52,597
‐ Are we all gonna be...
360
00:12:52,598 --> 00:12:54,433
you again?
‐ I don't think so.
361
00:12:54,434 --> 00:12:56,685
Going through that once
changed me and all of you.
362
00:12:56,686 --> 00:12:58,895
‐ But if the Judge wasn't
gonna listen to us out here,
363
00:12:58,896 --> 00:13:01,440
what makes you think
she'll listen to us in there?
364
00:13:01,441 --> 00:13:04,569
‐ I know one thing
that might keep her attention.
365
00:13:09,157 --> 00:13:11,325
‐ Idiots.
366
00:13:14,954 --> 00:13:17,205
Aw, nuts.
367
00:13:17,206 --> 00:13:18,790
How did I fall for that?
368
00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:20,459
‐ Please, have a seat,
your honor.
369
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:23,628
‐ I already told you.
I'm not interested.
370
00:13:23,629 --> 00:13:25,797
Give me one reason
why I should hear you out?
371
00:13:25,798 --> 00:13:26,965
‐ Okay.
372
00:13:26,966 --> 00:13:29,135
Here he is.
373
00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:33,139
‐ Ma'am.
374
00:13:35,099 --> 00:13:37,809
‐ You made me an Olyphant?
375
00:13:37,810 --> 00:13:39,311
‐ I think you should
hear them out, Judge.
376
00:13:39,312 --> 00:13:40,979
Only seems fair.
377
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:42,647
‐ Yeah, you're probably right.
378
00:13:42,648 --> 00:13:44,316
Well played, Janet.
379
00:13:44,317 --> 00:13:45,984
I don't mind taking in the view
380
00:13:45,985 --> 00:13:49,154
when the scenery is so pretty.
381
00:13:49,155 --> 00:13:52,199
Oh, I should call Shawn
for this.
382
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,700
‐ Aw, man.
383
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:54,868
I had just gotten
all the puppies
384
00:13:54,869 --> 00:13:56,161
to climb into the cannon.
385
00:13:56,162 --> 00:13:57,662
‐ All right.
386
00:13:57,663 --> 00:13:58,997
Floor is yours.
387
00:13:58,998 --> 00:14:00,999
‐ So the problem
with the afterlife
388
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,586
is not only that it's cruel,
but that it's final.
389
00:14:04,587 --> 00:14:06,421
You get one shot on Earth,
390
00:14:06,422 --> 00:14:08,298
and regardless
of the context of your life,
391
00:14:08,299 --> 00:14:10,759
you're placed somewhere,
usually the Bad Place,
392
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,595
forever with no chance
for redemption.
393
00:14:13,596 --> 00:14:16,181
‐ My Neighborhood
was built to torture humans,
394
00:14:16,182 --> 00:14:17,349
but it made them better.
395
00:14:17,350 --> 00:14:19,184
We want to create a system
396
00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:21,269
that works
that way intentionally,
397
00:14:21,270 --> 00:14:24,689
a system designed to give
people a fighting chance.
398
00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:26,608
‐ Huh.
399
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:28,526
Interesting.
400
00:14:28,527 --> 00:14:30,528
Why don't you
walk us through it?
401
00:14:30,529 --> 00:14:32,489
‐ Yeah, we're gonna, man.
Just chill.
402
00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:35,659
Your time on Earth
won't be a test
403
00:14:35,660 --> 00:14:38,870
that you either pass or fail,
but instead a class you take,
404
00:14:38,871 --> 00:14:41,498
and the test will come
in the afterlife.
405
00:14:41,499 --> 00:14:43,375
‐ The first part stays the same.
406
00:14:43,376 --> 00:14:45,293
You live your life,
screw up a bunch of stuff.
407
00:14:45,294 --> 00:14:46,836
Like, a lot of stuff.
408
00:14:46,837 --> 00:14:49,214
Like, to the point
where people are, like...
409
00:14:49,215 --> 00:14:51,967
this is mess up,
even for Florida.
410
00:14:51,968 --> 00:14:54,719
But you can't hear them
because you fell into the swamp
411
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,390
trying to spray paint a Taco
Bell logo on a snapping turtle.
412
00:14:58,391 --> 00:14:59,808
We rest our case, your honor.
413
00:14:59,809 --> 00:15:01,226
‐ No, no.
‐ No, no, no, no, no, we don't.
414
00:15:01,227 --> 00:15:02,727
We barely started.
415
00:15:02,728 --> 00:15:06,564
So when you die,
you still have a points total,
416
00:15:06,565 --> 00:15:08,900
but in the new system,
that number will serve
417
00:15:08,901 --> 00:15:10,402
as a sort of baseline
418
00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:15,031
to determine how hard
or how easy your test is.
419
00:15:15,032 --> 00:15:18,118
‐ Sorry. I'm just trying
to play catch‐up here.
420
00:15:18,119 --> 00:15:20,578
Who's designing these tests,
exactly?
421
00:15:20,579 --> 00:15:24,666
‐ A Good Place architect
and a Bad Place architect
422
00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:26,751
will work together
to design a scenario
423
00:15:26,752 --> 00:15:29,254
to make you confront
your moral shortcomings,
424
00:15:29,255 --> 00:15:31,339
like Eleanor's selfishness,
425
00:15:31,340 --> 00:15:34,426
Jason's impulsivity,
Chidi's indecisiveness,
426
00:15:34,427 --> 00:15:36,720
and my complete inability
to carry off a mod look.
427
00:15:36,721 --> 00:15:37,762
‐ That's not‐‐
428
00:15:37,763 --> 00:15:39,431
‐ I know I have other faults,
429
00:15:39,432 --> 00:15:41,266
but that is a big one.
430
00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:42,767
‐ The test could be anything.
431
00:15:42,768 --> 00:15:44,185
Maybe you show up
and you're told
432
00:15:44,186 --> 00:15:45,603
you're in the Good Place,
433
00:15:45,604 --> 00:15:47,522
but you know
that it's a mistake.
434
00:15:47,523 --> 00:15:50,442
Maybe the test looks
just like your regular life,
435
00:15:50,443 --> 00:15:52,777
or a twisted version
of your life.
436
00:15:52,778 --> 00:15:55,530
You're presented
with these challenges.
437
00:15:55,531 --> 00:15:58,992
Do well or badly, at the end,
438
00:15:58,993 --> 00:16:01,286
you're given
a sort of evaluation.
439
00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:03,621
‐ Yeah, and the architects
explain what you did badly,
440
00:16:03,622 --> 00:16:06,124
what you did well,
and then you get rebooted
441
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:07,459
and do it again...
442
00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:10,128
and again
and again until you ace it.
443
00:16:10,129 --> 00:16:11,963
‐ Oh, hang on.
444
00:16:11,964 --> 00:16:15,216
It seems to me
if y'all get rebooted,
445
00:16:15,217 --> 00:16:16,801
your memories will be wiped out.
446
00:16:16,802 --> 00:16:18,470
How you ever
gonna learn anything
447
00:16:18,471 --> 00:16:20,055
if you're always
having to start from scratch?
448
00:16:20,056 --> 00:16:21,139
‐ Mm‐hmm.
449
00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:22,640
‐ Good point, Timothy Olyphant.
450
00:16:22,641 --> 00:16:24,309
‐ Tim's fine.
‐ Okay, great.
451
00:16:24,310 --> 00:16:27,479
In the new system,
you will retain a vague memory
452
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,814
of what you learned
in the evaluation sessions.
453
00:16:29,815 --> 00:16:33,151
That information,
what you did well or badly,
454
00:16:33,152 --> 00:16:36,154
stays with you like...
455
00:16:36,155 --> 00:16:38,114
like a little voice
in your head,
456
00:16:38,115 --> 00:16:40,533
helping you become
a better version of yourself.
457
00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:42,577
‐ Okay, that helps.
Thank you.
458
00:16:42,578 --> 00:16:45,497
‐ So our guess
is that with enough chances,
459
00:16:45,498 --> 00:16:47,665
people will eventually make
enough good choices
460
00:16:47,666 --> 00:16:51,002
to qualify for the Good Place,
and maybe some never will,
461
00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:52,837
but that's okay because
everyone gets a fair shot.
462
00:16:52,838 --> 00:16:54,089
‐ Hold the phone.
463
00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:56,174
What are my demons
doing this whole time?
464
00:16:56,175 --> 00:16:58,009
I have millions
of lava monsters down there
465
00:16:58,010 --> 00:16:59,511
who will be out of a job.
466
00:16:59,512 --> 00:17:01,346
I ask you, into whose throats
467
00:17:01,347 --> 00:17:02,764
are they supposed to pour lava?
468
00:17:02,765 --> 00:17:05,183
‐ Well, bad news is
no more throat lava
469
00:17:05,184 --> 00:17:06,518
or penis flattenings.
470
00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:09,187
‐ Then what are we doing
to their penises?
471
00:17:09,188 --> 00:17:12,524
‐ Well, largely, ignoring them.
472
00:17:12,525 --> 00:17:14,025
‐ You guys are hearing this.
I'm not crazy, right?
473
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:15,443
‐ No, I mean,
it's a fair question.
474
00:17:15,444 --> 00:17:17,195
‐ Whose side are you on, man?
475
00:17:17,196 --> 00:17:19,739
‐ I don't have a dog
in this fight, little lady.
476
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:21,408
I'm just looking for clarity.
477
00:17:21,409 --> 00:17:22,909
‐ Shawn,
you'll all still have jobs.
478
00:17:22,910 --> 00:17:26,121
Bad place architects
help design the test.
479
00:17:26,122 --> 00:17:28,873
Rank and file demons,
they'll play‐role
480
00:17:28,874 --> 00:17:31,209
just like they did
in my original Neighborhood.
481
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:34,045
And remember how much fun
you had playing the Judge?
482
00:17:34,046 --> 00:17:36,005
‐ I don't know, guys.
You think this will work?
483
00:17:36,006 --> 00:17:37,716
‐ It sort of already has.
484
00:17:37,717 --> 00:17:40,051
Chidi just had 800 versions
of himself
485
00:17:40,052 --> 00:17:42,721
stuffed into his soul
at the same time.
486
00:17:42,722 --> 00:17:45,890
I mean, he's a new man.
He's way cooler now.
487
00:17:45,891 --> 00:17:49,310
I like the old version, too,
but not as much.
488
00:17:49,311 --> 00:17:50,895
‐ It's not just Chidi,
your honor.
489
00:17:50,896 --> 00:17:52,689
When I started in Michael's
first Neighborhood,
490
00:17:52,690 --> 00:17:55,900
I was nothing more than
a PalmPilot in a cool vest.
491
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:57,402
But look at me now.
492
00:17:57,403 --> 00:17:59,904
I can hold four humans
in my void,
493
00:17:59,905 --> 00:18:02,782
and conjure Timothy Olyphant
in the blink of an eye.
494
00:18:02,783 --> 00:18:04,617
Getting rebooted
over and over made me
495
00:18:04,618 --> 00:18:07,078
a better not‐a‐person
than I've ever been.
496
00:18:07,079 --> 00:18:09,080
Humans should get
the same opportunity.
497
00:18:09,081 --> 00:18:11,833
[pensive music]
498
00:18:11,834 --> 00:18:13,586
‐ Well?
499
00:18:15,087 --> 00:18:17,088
♪ ♪
500
00:18:17,089 --> 00:18:20,091
‐ Mm...
501
00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,594
pass.
502
00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:24,596
‐ Well, guys,
I really thought you had it.
503
00:18:24,597 --> 00:18:28,433
It has been a genuine pleasure,
sweetie.
504
00:18:28,434 --> 00:18:29,935
Oh.
505
00:18:33,606 --> 00:18:37,442
♪ Gonna erase the Earth ♪
506
00:18:37,443 --> 00:18:39,351
♪ Erase the Earth ♪
507
00:18:42,775 --> 00:18:44,597
‐ I hid the clicker
as far away as possible,
508
00:18:44,598 --> 00:18:45,704
but we are seconds away.
509
00:18:45,705 --> 00:18:47,085
I'm so sorry, guys.
510
00:18:47,086 --> 00:18:48,209
‐ Where did Shawn go?
511
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,825
‐ Oh, don't bother.
He's just toying with us.
512
00:18:50,826 --> 00:18:54,495
‐ I know.
That's what gives me hope.
513
00:18:54,496 --> 00:18:55,621
‐ [laughs]
514
00:18:55,622 --> 00:18:57,039
Had to do it one last time
515
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,499
before all this
goes away for good.
516
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,710
So what are you offering me now?
517
00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:04,213
‐ Nothing. It's over.
That was our last idea.
518
00:19:04,214 --> 00:19:08,467
‐ Good. Soon, all your precious
humans will be gone.
519
00:19:08,468 --> 00:19:11,554
‐ Yeah. It's too bad.
520
00:19:11,555 --> 00:19:13,472
Well, congrats, bud.
You won.
521
00:19:13,473 --> 00:19:15,391
See you in a billion years.
522
00:19:15,392 --> 00:19:16,851
‐ When the humans evolve again,
523
00:19:16,852 --> 00:19:18,644
I'll be right back
at your throat, you traitor.
524
00:19:18,645 --> 00:19:21,147
‐ I mean, yeah, I know.
525
00:19:21,148 --> 00:19:23,983
That's why I said,
"See you in a billion years."
526
00:19:23,984 --> 00:19:25,860
‐ Wait.
527
00:19:25,861 --> 00:19:27,278
I'm gonna do
the evil speech now.
528
00:19:27,279 --> 00:19:28,321
‐ If you want.
529
00:19:28,322 --> 00:19:29,322
‐ [clears throat]
530
00:19:31,158 --> 00:19:32,575
Since the dawn of time,
531
00:19:32,576 --> 00:19:34,702
good and evil
have waged a furious battle,
532
00:19:34,703 --> 00:19:35,828
stemming from‐‐
this feels stupid
533
00:19:35,829 --> 00:19:37,079
if you're not gonna fight back.
534
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,831
How do you not
have another plan?
535
00:19:38,832 --> 00:19:40,333
You've always had another plan.
536
00:19:40,334 --> 00:19:41,877
‐ What's wrong, Shawn?
537
00:19:45,047 --> 00:19:46,589
‐ Okay, fine.
538
00:19:46,590 --> 00:19:48,215
Gonna make me admit it.
539
00:19:48,216 --> 00:19:50,426
Fighting you is the most fun
I've ever had.
540
00:19:50,427 --> 00:19:51,844
I mean, you know.
541
00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:53,387
You corkscrew
your first eyeball,
542
00:19:53,388 --> 00:19:54,597
and you're like,
man, I can't believe
543
00:19:54,598 --> 00:19:56,849
they're paying me to do this.
544
00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:59,560
By the trillionth, it's like...
545
00:19:59,561 --> 00:20:01,103
I should've just been a teacher.
546
00:20:01,104 --> 00:20:03,105
And then you go
and get the warm fuzzies
547
00:20:03,106 --> 00:20:05,441
about your little humans,
and something...
548
00:20:05,442 --> 00:20:07,401
something changed.
549
00:20:07,402 --> 00:20:10,780
I was having fun again.
550
00:20:10,781 --> 00:20:13,199
I'm not sure I'm ready
for that to end.
551
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,702
‐ I know, buddy.
It's hard when things end.
552
00:20:16,703 --> 00:20:19,622
But one way or the other,
this is over.
553
00:20:19,623 --> 00:20:21,290
The only question is...
554
00:20:21,291 --> 00:20:23,793
what's next?
555
00:20:23,794 --> 00:20:26,295
I heard your speech
at Demon‐Con.
556
00:20:26,296 --> 00:20:28,422
You know this system stinks.
557
00:20:28,423 --> 00:20:30,800
You wouldn't have let me try
the original experiment
558
00:20:30,801 --> 00:20:33,094
if things were working.
559
00:20:33,095 --> 00:20:35,054
Let's try a new way...
560
00:20:35,055 --> 00:20:36,555
together.
561
00:20:36,556 --> 00:20:40,643
[bittersweet music]
562
00:20:40,644 --> 00:20:42,395
‐ Okay, finally.
563
00:20:42,396 --> 00:20:45,898
For the last time,
I, the Judge of the afterlife‐‐
564
00:20:45,899 --> 00:20:47,733
‐ Hang on, your honor.
‐ [groans]
565
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,276
Are you kidding me?
566
00:20:49,277 --> 00:20:52,321
Can't a gal just end
all of humanity one time
567
00:20:52,322 --> 00:20:54,573
without everyone
getting all up on her junk?
568
00:20:54,574 --> 00:20:55,908
What is it, man?
569
00:20:55,909 --> 00:20:58,494
‐ Shawn has agreed
to our proposal.
570
00:20:58,495 --> 00:20:59,578
‐ Wait, seriously?
571
00:20:59,579 --> 00:21:00,913
‐ In principle, yes.
572
00:21:00,914 --> 00:21:02,415
Still some kinks to work in‐‐
573
00:21:02,416 --> 00:21:03,416
‐ Out.
‐ Out.
574
00:21:03,417 --> 00:21:05,001
Sorry. Old habits.
575
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:07,420
But I think we can
find a way to make it work.
576
00:21:07,421 --> 00:21:08,421
‐ Guys, watch this.
577
00:21:08,422 --> 00:21:11,132
[all screaming]
578
00:21:11,133 --> 00:21:12,508
Sorry.
579
00:21:12,509 --> 00:21:13,759
Jeez.
580
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,428
‐ Okay, well,
581
00:21:15,429 --> 00:21:18,639
assuming we are redesigning
the entire afterlife
582
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,184
according to this plan...
583
00:21:22,185 --> 00:21:23,311
what do we do first?
584
00:21:24,521 --> 00:21:26,188
♪ ♪
585
00:21:26,189 --> 00:21:28,357
‐ Oh, don't look at me.
I'm...
586
00:21:28,358 --> 00:21:30,694
I'm just the idea guy.
42673
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