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1
00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:08,639
Well, that's just...
2
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:10,889
that's uncomfortable.
3
00:00:10,890 --> 00:00:12,242
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
4
00:00:12,243 --> 00:00:13,999
What's up?
5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,450
Tell us what happened.
Did we win, did we lose?
6
00:00:16,454 --> 00:00:18,449
Is humanity saved forever?
7
00:00:18,450 --> 00:00:21,639
And did you find Nintendo?
I can't find it any... whoop.
8
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,250
Never mind. I'm holding it.
9
00:00:23,253 --> 00:00:25,599
Sorry, I can't reveal the
results of the experiment
10
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:26,859
until we get to the Judge's chambers.
11
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,039
Okay, where is everyone?
12
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,119
Where's Simone and John and Brent
13
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,839
and actually I don't care
about any of those doofs.
14
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,879
- Where's Chidi?
- Oh, he's on the toilet.
15
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,219
Sorry, that's not enough information.
16
00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:38,529
The text subjects are frozen in stasis,
17
00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:39,939
so I put them in the bathroom,
18
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,779
and I placed Chidi on the toilet,
19
00:00:42,780 --> 00:00:44,230
the best seat.
20
00:00:44,232 --> 00:00:46,350
Let's wake him up.
You know, so I can, like,
21
00:00:46,359 --> 00:00:48,400
be reunited with the man I love.
22
00:00:48,403 --> 00:00:50,179
Snappy, snappy, memory fixy.
23
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:51,759
The Judge says no one gets unfrozen
24
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,979
until she's ruled on the case.
25
00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:56,279
Oh, humans have to stay here.
26
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,700
- You can't see the numbers.
- Hang on.
27
00:00:57,704 --> 00:01:00,479
I worked my ash off
running this neighborhood
28
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,490
for a full year,
29
00:01:01,491 --> 00:01:03,910
and I'm not even allowed
to hear how we did?
30
00:01:03,918 --> 00:01:06,540
Yes. And here's a bottle of tequila.
31
00:01:06,546 --> 00:01:08,959
Okay, let us know how it goes.
32
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:13,909
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
33
00:01:13,910 --> 00:01:15,999
_
34
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,819
Regardless of what the Judge rules,
35
00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:19,709
this feels like some sort of good-bye.
36
00:01:19,710 --> 00:01:21,739
Even if we succeeded,
there's no guarantee
37
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:22,930
she'll keep us together.
38
00:01:22,937 --> 00:01:24,239
She might just snap her fingers
39
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,983
and send us flying into
different dimensions.
40
00:01:26,984 --> 00:01:29,769
How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
41
00:01:29,770 --> 00:01:31,719
Aw, man, are we gonna die again?
42
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,689
We've died so many times.
43
00:01:33,690 --> 00:01:37,299
We've probably had, like,
15 funerals by now.
44
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,689
It's getting annoying.
45
00:01:38,690 --> 00:01:39,829
If it would cheer you up,
46
00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,559
I could tell you what happened
at your original funerals.
47
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,660
Tahani, Moby spoke first.
He claimed that...
48
00:01:45,668 --> 00:01:46,929
Uh, please stop.
49
00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:48,421
I don't want to hear it.
50
00:01:48,422 --> 00:01:49,499
what about mine?
51
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,779
Your friends didn't say things about you
52
00:01:51,780 --> 00:01:54,630
so much as they graffitied
a Red Lobster about you.
53
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:55,739
Yeah, in Jacksonville,
54
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:57,179
that's the first stage of grief.
55
00:01:57,180 --> 00:02:00,549
In Arizona, you can either
have a regular funeral,
56
00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:03,359
or they can put your body
out on a shooting range,
57
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,810
and you get a $200 state tax credit.
58
00:02:05,813 --> 00:02:06,999
Hang on.
59
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,690
This is how we take our minds
off the Judge's ruling.
60
00:02:09,692 --> 00:02:12,019
Let's throw ourselves the funeral
61
00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:13,729
to end all funerals.
62
00:02:13,730 --> 00:02:14,859
Awesome.
63
00:02:14,860 --> 00:02:16,339
And you know what they say in Florida:
64
00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:19,911
"If you don't like this
funeral, just wait a minute."
65
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,409
Ugh. The Judge's chambers.
I hate this place.
66
00:02:26,410 --> 00:02:31,439
What's the wi-fi password?
There is no service.
67
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,169
Shawn.
68
00:02:33,170 --> 00:02:34,210
Michael.
69
00:02:34,217 --> 00:02:36,050
Bounces of me, and sticks to you.
70
00:02:36,052 --> 00:02:38,009
Wait. No, I messed that up.
71
00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:39,799
First, say something mean to me,
72
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,620
really cruel, something
that just guts me.
73
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,759
You're totally gonna be glue.
74
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:47,079
So it's come to this.
75
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,099
We have finally arrived at the end
76
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,429
of your pathetic attempt
to prove that humans
77
00:02:51,430 --> 00:02:54,979
are more than just
mobile turd factories,
78
00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:57,859
and you are going to fail again
79
00:02:57,860 --> 00:03:00,069
because that is what you do.
80
00:03:00,070 --> 00:03:01,779
You're a choker, Michael.
81
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:04,760
And you're about to choke
for the last time...
82
00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:06,449
except for the eternity
you're going to spend
83
00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:08,579
in the Bad Place being choked by me,
84
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:10,461
who will be doing the choking.
85
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,959
Well, you're glue.
86
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,819
Wow.
87
00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,819
- Look at this place.
- Beautiful.
88
00:03:17,820 --> 00:03:19,219
The floor.
89
00:03:19,220 --> 00:03:21,220
Hello, Good Place committee.
Thank you for coming.
90
00:03:21,222 --> 00:03:22,719
No, thank you, Michael.
91
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,219
You did an incredible job,
92
00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:26,969
maybe the best job that
anyone's ever done at any task.
93
00:03:26,970 --> 00:03:28,759
But you don't know how we did.
94
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,939
We might not know how you did,
95
00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:32,769
but we know you did great.
96
00:03:32,770 --> 00:03:35,060
And Shawn, before we even
find out what happened,
97
00:03:35,070 --> 00:03:36,579
we want you to know
we're willing to give up
98
00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:39,740
all our leverage, compromise,
and meet you halfway.
99
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,360
I met your mom halfway last night.
100
00:03:41,367 --> 00:03:44,280
So colorful!
101
00:03:44,287 --> 00:03:46,549
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
102
00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:48,189
of Tahani Al-Jamil,
103
00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:50,750
in the place she felt most comfortable,
104
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:54,759
the cabin of a Gulfstream
G650 private jet.
105
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,519
Tahani was super nice,
106
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,859
and she deserved for people
107
00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:01,260
to be nicer to her than they were.
108
00:04:01,270 --> 00:04:03,079
The only sad thing is that
109
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,141
she never got over her
speech impediment.
110
00:04:05,142 --> 00:04:09,039
Tahani improved so much
over her many lives,
111
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,519
but she also helped me improve.
112
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,599
She taught me lots of stuff,
113
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,919
like bras shouldn't be painful,
114
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,979
and you don't buy bras at Home Depot,
115
00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:20,819
and they don't sell bras at Home Depot.
116
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:22,199
What the hell are you wearing?
117
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,359
For the record,
118
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,419
it was a men's back support harness,
119
00:04:25,420 --> 00:04:26,740
and it worked in a pinch.
120
00:04:27,740 --> 00:04:30,499
She was the best friend I ever had...
121
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:31,700
and I loved her.
122
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:34,099
Oh, thank you so much.
123
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,499
That was wonderful.
124
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,659
I wish Chidi was here.
125
00:04:37,660 --> 00:04:41,380
It sucks that he's too dead
for these Heaven funerals.
126
00:04:41,385 --> 00:04:42,579
Can someone grab his arm?
127
00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:44,639
My hands are kind of full with his butt.
128
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,259
How'd he get so jacked?
129
00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:48,149
When he was 14, someone told him that
130
00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,939
exercise alleviated anxiety,
131
00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:53,219
and he started doing pushups
and basically never stopped.
132
00:04:54,357 --> 00:04:55,759
All right, everyone.
133
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,759
Let's get this done.
134
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,329
This is the single most important case
135
00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:02,110
that has ever appeared in my court,
136
00:05:02,114 --> 00:05:04,950
and the results will have
ramifications for eternity.
137
00:05:04,951 --> 00:05:06,859
Before we begin,
138
00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:08,663
I'm going to need you all to sign this.
139
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,109
A petition to bring back "Ally McBeal."
140
00:05:14,110 --> 00:05:15,120
Well, yeah.
141
00:05:15,127 --> 00:05:16,789
I mean, everything else
is getting rebooted.
142
00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:19,620
Get a young hottie in there,
you know, like a Zendaya type.
143
00:05:19,630 --> 00:05:21,169
Is it Zendaya or Zendaya?
144
00:05:21,170 --> 00:05:22,339
Zendaya.
145
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:23,630
Or... I don't...
146
00:05:23,636 --> 00:05:24,970
I mean, who wouldn't watch that?
147
00:05:24,971 --> 00:05:26,680
Am I right? Anyone?
148
00:05:26,681 --> 00:05:27,919
Fine.
149
00:05:29,550 --> 00:05:30,601
Take it away, Matt.
150
00:05:30,602 --> 00:05:33,979
Okay, the moment we've
all been waiting for.
151
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:37,525
The test results that dictate
the future of humanity.
152
00:05:37,526 --> 00:05:41,020
Here we go. In 30, 29...
153
00:05:41,028 --> 00:05:43,900
Two, one.
154
00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:45,159
Voilà.
155
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,070
I thought this would be fun.
156
00:05:48,077 --> 00:05:50,070
Had a lot of time alone in there.
157
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:52,879
Bam!
158
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,999
Simone got 12% better
than she was on Earth.
159
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,039
Bam! Chidi got 26% better.
160
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,549
Bam! John got 44% better.
161
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:06,460
Shoot.
162
00:06:06,470 --> 00:06:09,830
Shouldn't have committed
so hard to this "bam" thing.
163
00:06:10,224 --> 00:06:12,476
Funeral!
164
00:06:13,860 --> 00:06:16,429
Jason, at the risk of getting an answer
165
00:06:16,430 --> 00:06:18,160
that might thoroughly depress me,
166
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,900
what made you choose this setting?
167
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:21,139
There's a Jacksonville tradition
168
00:06:21,140 --> 00:06:23,809
of having your funeral
where you were born.
169
00:06:23,810 --> 00:06:25,559
I got born in the deep end of a pool
170
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,539
right after my mom did a cannonball.
171
00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:29,179
Well, I knew the risks.
172
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,799
You never really talk about your mom.
173
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,879
Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.
174
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,082
I lost her to the big C.
175
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,439
That's what we called the crocodile
176
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,870
that lived by my house.
177
00:06:40,290 --> 00:06:43,099
I'm just playing. It was cancer.
178
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,301
Watch me do a handstand.
179
00:06:47,595 --> 00:06:50,550
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life.
180
00:06:50,556 --> 00:06:52,699
He once told me the
closest he'd ever gotten
181
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,769
to having a piñata on his birthday
182
00:06:54,770 --> 00:06:56,679
was when a seagull ate too many condoms
183
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:57,890
on the beach and exploded.
184
00:06:57,897 --> 00:06:59,439
But despite it all,
185
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,339
he was the most optimistic
person I'd ever met.
186
00:07:02,340 --> 00:07:03,859
Jason was the very first person
187
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:05,360
to ask me about my feelings.
188
00:07:05,363 --> 00:07:06,519
I hadn't had any yet,
189
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,239
but it made me want to go get some.
190
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,599
I could see something special inside him
191
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,489
that no one else could see.
192
00:07:12,490 --> 00:07:13,959
It was a multi-colored blob
193
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,580
of positivity right behind his sternum.
194
00:07:16,582 --> 00:07:17,949
That's my Jason,
195
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:20,359
a big, colorful, rainbow blob
196
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,047
stuffed inside a hot,
life-size action figure.
197
00:07:23,048 --> 00:07:27,340
Plus, I gotta say it was nice
to have a true dirtbag buddy
198
00:07:27,343 --> 00:07:29,929
so I could talk about what
really mattered in life.
199
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:33,379
Wrestling, semi-legal
drugs, and Jason Statham.
200
00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:34,849
Statham forever!
201
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:36,539
Indeed.
202
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:37,639
Statham forever.
203
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,860
Amen.
204
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,059
Amen.
205
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,599
Let's focus on the big picture here.
206
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,640
Free of Earth's complications
207
00:07:44,650 --> 00:07:47,079
and its unintended consequences,
208
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,319
the other three improved a lot.
209
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,979
Chidi got 38% more confident.
210
00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:56,279
Simone got 43% more flexible
in her judgments of people,
211
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,619
and John didn't call one
single person the C-word.
212
00:07:58,620 --> 00:08:01,739
But he did yell the C-word at himself
213
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,839
as well as a pack of squirrels
214
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,670
and a chair he tripped over.
215
00:08:05,673 --> 00:08:06,960
Why are we even still discussing this?
216
00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:08,840
Brent got worse.
217
00:08:08,843 --> 00:08:11,170
If humans can't be good with
their needs magically met,
218
00:08:11,178 --> 00:08:12,879
maybe they're just not that good.
219
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,849
He's right; the evidence
needed to be overwhelming.
220
00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:18,429
I can't just turn the whole
afterlife upside down
221
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:20,859
because three people
got a little bit better.
222
00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:23,359
But don't forget. There's a
lot of evidence that Eleanor,
223
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,099
Jason and Tahani got better
in the original experiment,
224
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,239
so that's six people.
225
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,299
That's the number of
friends in "Friends."
226
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,719
Are you gonna sit there and
say that every single Friend
227
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,320
belongs in hell? I mean,
228
00:08:34,326 --> 00:08:38,209
maybe Ross and Rachel,
and Monica and Joey,
229
00:08:38,210 --> 00:08:41,139
and definitely Chandler...
230
00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:42,620
but Phoebe?
231
00:08:42,626 --> 00:08:44,829
Face it, Michael. You lost.
232
00:08:44,830 --> 00:08:46,959
Everything you've done, this experiment,
233
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,299
the original Neighborhood,
234
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:50,259
sending your little cockroach
buddies back to Earth,
235
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:51,300
all of it was for nothing.
236
00:08:51,302 --> 00:08:54,300
Bam. You're glue.
237
00:08:54,305 --> 00:08:55,719
Actually, Shawn,
238
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,469
that's a very interesting point.
239
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:58,640
Exactly. What?
240
00:08:58,642 --> 00:09:00,129
Matt, call up the active files
241
00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:01,999
of four people still alive on Earth,
242
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,520
Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop,
243
00:09:04,523 --> 00:09:05,859
and her stepdaughter Patricia,
244
00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:08,359
and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
245
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,609
They were not part of the experiment.
246
00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:11,359
If he gets to bring in
random good people into it,
247
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,139
I should be able to bring
in random bad people.
248
00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:14,239
Call up Elizabeth Holmes.
249
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,199
No, Henry Kissinger. No...
250
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,950
PewDiePie.
251
00:09:18,954 --> 00:09:21,949
Your honor, the people I want
to look at are not random.
252
00:09:21,950 --> 00:09:23,041
They're four humans
253
00:09:23,042 --> 00:09:25,040
the cockroaches helped on Earth.
254
00:09:25,044 --> 00:09:27,319
No magic. Just... just kindness.
255
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,790
And I bet their emotional support
256
00:09:29,799 --> 00:09:31,659
made those four people better.
257
00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:32,960
And I'm wrong,
258
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:35,399
I'll be the first to say...
259
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,800
we're glue.
260
00:09:36,806 --> 00:09:39,299
I don't think any of you
is using that right,
261
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,559
but, fine, let's see it.
262
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,429
Look. Right there.
263
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,560
After we intervened,
264
00:09:44,570 --> 00:09:47,440
Pillboi dedicated himself
to caring for the elderly.
265
00:09:47,441 --> 00:09:50,499
Kamilah started a scholarship
in Tahani's name
266
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:53,149
that sent 213 women to college.
267
00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:56,519
Donna started doing homework
with Patricia every night,
268
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:57,950
and that little girl...
269
00:09:57,952 --> 00:10:01,259
actually ended up teaching
Donna multiplication.
270
00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:02,659
Yikes.
271
00:10:02,660 --> 00:10:05,199
Look, the point is people improve
272
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,959
when they get external love and support.
273
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,589
How can we hold it against
them when they don't?
274
00:10:11,590 --> 00:10:14,509
Need I remind you that Brent
got worse with every second
275
00:10:14,510 --> 00:10:16,549
of every moment of every day.
276
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:18,930
Until right at the end.
277
00:10:18,931 --> 00:10:21,759
With 10 seconds left, he swung way up.
278
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,039
This is it, your honor.
279
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,339
This is the whole story.
280
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:30,019
No one is beyond rehabilitation.
281
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,859
Brent spent a year being
an absolute diaper load
282
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,479
of a human being, and the
points total tells you that.
283
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,659
But what that number can't tell you...
284
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:42,746
is who he could've become tomorrow.
285
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,084
I'll have my ruling shortly.
286
00:10:48,085 --> 00:10:50,209
Okay, Janet, where do you
want to go for your funeral?
287
00:10:50,210 --> 00:10:51,399
Dave and Buster's, probably?
288
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,109
You probably want to go
to Dave and Buster's.
289
00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:54,989
I think I heard her say
Dave and Buster's,
290
00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:57,428
so let's just go there.
We can sort it out later.
291
00:10:57,429 --> 00:11:00,899
It's nice that you want
to honor me, but...
292
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:02,929
you've already given me so much.
293
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:06,260
Tahani taught me that
you can make a family,
294
00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:07,938
even if you never really had one.
295
00:11:07,939 --> 00:11:10,279
Jason taught me I have value
296
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,850
beyond what I do for other people.
297
00:11:11,859 --> 00:11:13,359
And Eleanor...
298
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,239
there was a moment on Earth
when all hope was lost,
299
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,360
and I watched you have hope anyway.
300
00:11:18,365 --> 00:11:19,699
Just thinking about that
301
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:22,661
makes me want to barf
up a beautiful quasar.
302
00:11:22,662 --> 00:11:24,409
Well said, Janet.
303
00:11:24,410 --> 00:11:26,739
That means it's your turn, Eleanor.
304
00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:29,079
All right. Mine's easy.
305
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,330
We don't even have to move.
306
00:11:30,336 --> 00:11:32,250
I stand here before you,
307
00:11:32,254 --> 00:11:34,779
in sweatpants for the first time ever,
308
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,130
to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop
309
00:11:37,134 --> 00:11:39,919
in a place where she
spent much of her life,
310
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,680
a bar in a house she was not invited to.
311
00:11:42,681 --> 00:11:44,889
Eleanor was full of surprises.
312
00:11:44,890 --> 00:11:47,889
I never knew if she was going
to ruthlessly make fun of me,
313
00:11:47,890 --> 00:11:51,329
or totally objectify me in
a way that was flattering,
314
00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:53,349
and also vaguely problematic.
315
00:11:53,350 --> 00:11:55,778
- Well...
- But whether she was lifting me up
316
00:11:55,779 --> 00:11:59,239
or calling me out...
317
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:04,199
I never felt quite so
seen as when she saw me.
318
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,659
Eleanor, I know you don't like it
319
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,079
when people get all emotional about you,
320
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,620
so I channeled all of my
love for you into this song.
321
00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:22,970
That's when the foam cannons go pshh!
322
00:12:22,972 --> 00:12:25,680
Explode outward!
323
00:12:25,683 --> 00:12:26,899
And then back to the song.
324
00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:30,099
Okay, okay, we're good.
325
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,769
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
326
00:12:31,770 --> 00:12:33,816
Okay, who's left?
327
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,230
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
328
00:12:38,237 --> 00:12:40,230
of Chidi Anagonye.
329
00:12:40,239 --> 00:12:42,616
Eleanor, would you like
to say a few words?
330
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,739
Chidi was a...
331
00:12:48,740 --> 00:12:53,029
rootin', tootin', rackin'
frackin' varmint.
332
00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:55,229
Sorry, I don't know why I just went
333
00:12:55,230 --> 00:12:58,879
full Yosemite Sam, there. Um...
334
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,260
yeah, I don't think I can...
335
00:13:01,270 --> 00:13:03,599
do this. I... I can't just sum up
336
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:04,779
all of my feelings about Chidi,
337
00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:07,090
so I'm gonna pass.
338
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,779
The Judge is about to make her ruling.
339
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:12,146
She wants us to be there to hear it.
340
00:13:12,147 --> 00:13:14,679
Oh, we should probably change outfits.
341
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,100
Tahani's sweatpants say
"skank army" on the butt.
342
00:13:17,109 --> 00:13:18,568
They do?
343
00:13:18,569 --> 00:13:20,690
Michael...
344
00:13:20,696 --> 00:13:24,109
you came to me and said the
points system was flawed,
345
00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:28,100
a system that has been in
place since the dawn of time
346
00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:32,079
and has judged every soul that
has ever walked the earth.
347
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,876
And I have come to the conclusion...
348
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:38,249
that you're right.
349
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,999
- I'm...
- You're right.
350
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,039
Humans are not fixed at
one level of morality.
351
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,479
They can always get better,
352
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,879
which means the points system
does not accurately judge
353
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,851
how good or bad they are.
354
00:13:52,394 --> 00:13:54,099
You won.
355
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,189
Well...
356
00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:01,360
that wasn't so hard now, what it?
357
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:05,032
We did it! We did it!
358
00:14:07,140 --> 00:14:09,479
The universe owes you
a debt of gratitude
359
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,660
for bringing this to my attention.
360
00:14:10,662 --> 00:14:13,619
Now, in terms of how we
handle this moving forward,
361
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,779
obviously, Earth is cancelled.
362
00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:17,639
Buhh...
363
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,879
Earth is what, now?
364
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:20,079
All humans on Earth
365
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,340
and in the afterlife
will be extinguished,
366
00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:25,919
and we will start the entire
human race over from scratch.
367
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,539
And you know what's so funny?
368
00:14:27,540 --> 00:14:30,069
In a very roundabout way,
369
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:33,089
I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"
370
00:14:33,090 --> 00:14:35,349
because I'm rebooting everything.
371
00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:36,729
Anyway,
372
00:14:36,730 --> 00:14:39,358
congrats, Michael. You won.
373
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:44,419
Whoa, whoa, your honor.
374
00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:46,209
Let's just slow down here,
375
00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:47,869
and say everything again maybe,
376
00:14:47,870 --> 00:14:49,459
because I think some of us
377
00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:50,979
were thinking about skateboards
378
00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:53,049
and don't know what's going on.
379
00:14:53,050 --> 00:14:56,909
Canceling Earth... but
doesn't seem a bit drastic?
380
00:14:56,910 --> 00:14:59,659
It's just too much of a
mess down there, you know?
381
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:03,359
I mean, the simplest solution
is to erase everyone
382
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,219
that ever lived and restart
383
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:08,659
with a bunch of amoebas or whatever.
384
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,640
Then human life will evolve again,
385
00:15:10,650 --> 00:15:12,259
or maybe even something better.
386
00:15:12,260 --> 00:15:15,499
Maybe this time they won't
have baby teeth, you know?
387
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,679
That whole thing is so
weird, like they fall out
388
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,190
and then the bigger teeth just
grow out of that same hole.
389
00:15:21,191 --> 00:15:22,439
Gross.
390
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,239
Anyway, the important thing is Earth...
391
00:15:26,570 --> 00:15:28,679
How are you guys surprised?
392
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,959
I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen if you won?
393
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,579
I don't know. I thought
we could just give, like,
394
00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:35,989
give three points for eating
an apple instead of two.
395
00:15:35,990 --> 00:15:38,819
Yes, why can't we just
tweak the points a little?
396
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:42,029
Just, you know, a little boost,
like Spanx, but for your soul.
397
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:43,039
- Yes.
- Guys,
398
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,069
the problem isn't the points.
399
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,629
It's that Earth has
become too complicated
400
00:15:47,630 --> 00:15:51,220
for the points to reflect the
value of human behavior.
401
00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:53,840
Remember? The whole
thing you discovered?
402
00:15:53,849 --> 00:15:57,810
And now I have no choice but to fix it.
403
00:15:57,811 --> 00:16:01,349
Where did I put that human
wiper outer thingy?
404
00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:05,239
Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing
that ends all the wars,
405
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,779
"Justified" season two.
406
00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:08,480
Wow, you won.
407
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:11,199
And you still somehow failed.
408
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,209
Classic.
409
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,979
Wake Chidi up. Now.
410
00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:17,489
We need all the help we can get.
411
00:16:17,490 --> 00:16:19,099
You really want me to wake him up,
412
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,339
just to tell him that
he and everyone else
413
00:16:21,340 --> 00:16:24,000
in the universe is going
to cease to exist?
414
00:16:24,004 --> 00:16:25,749
Not when you say it like that.
415
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:27,341
Well, what...
416
00:16:27,342 --> 00:16:29,670
The Good Place nerds. Our only hope.
417
00:16:29,676 --> 00:16:31,719
- Oh, wait, I, you know...
- Yo, yo, yo, angel types,
418
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,050
if you are ever gonna do something,
419
00:16:33,055 --> 00:16:34,219
you gotta do it now.
420
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:35,579
Oh, you bet we're gonna do something.
421
00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:37,179
This has gone too far.
422
00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:40,399
I'm composing some very
sternly worded letters.
423
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,739
Are we sure stern is the right tone?
424
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:45,529
We don't want to seem strident.
It upsets the norms.
425
00:16:45,530 --> 00:16:46,810
You're absolutely right.
426
00:16:46,818 --> 00:16:49,862
I apologize... and resign,
effective immediately.
427
00:16:49,863 --> 00:16:52,440
So bold. I am so proud of you.
428
00:16:52,449 --> 00:16:54,199
Here it is. Great.
429
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,979
Michael, Shawn, Janet,
430
00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:58,829
see you in maybe a billion years.
431
00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:02,370
It has been one crazy ride, you guys.
432
00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:03,970
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
433
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,540
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
434
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:06,922
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
435
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,170
♪ And I'm gonna miss every... ♪
436
00:17:08,173 --> 00:17:10,900
♪ See you at the
crossroads, crossroads ♪
437
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,019
♪ See you at the
crossroads, crossroads ♪
438
00:17:15,090 --> 00:17:17,259
I'm gonna miss you guys.
439
00:17:17,260 --> 00:17:18,739
Okay.
440
00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:19,810
Bye, y'all.
441
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,349
Janet, what the hell? Give it back.
442
00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:28,439
No, it's in my void,
and you can't have it.
443
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,360
I don't say "no" a lot.
Did I pronounce that right?
444
00:17:31,363 --> 00:17:32,780
Janet, you give me back my thingy,
445
00:17:32,781 --> 00:17:34,699
or I will go into your
void and get it myself.
446
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:35,900
I'd like to see you try.
447
00:17:35,909 --> 00:17:38,279
Oh, okay. She's trying right now.
448
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,579
She's in my void.
449
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,359
It feels... it feels weird.
450
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,829
Yikes. Whoa. Okay.
451
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,119
Real cute, honey. Where is it?
452
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,129
What do you mean?
453
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:49,463
- It's not in my void?
- No.
454
00:17:49,464 --> 00:17:51,419
It's in mine.
455
00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:54,879
Ugh. I feel like such a
wiener hole saying this,
456
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,879
but Michael wrote a manifesto,
457
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,469
and I read it on the toilet.
458
00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:03,059
I don't have to poop. I choose to.
459
00:18:03,060 --> 00:18:05,560
Anyway, I'm with them now.
460
00:18:05,564 --> 00:18:07,059
Are you kidding me?
461
00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:09,579
Oh, get over yourself, you dork.
462
00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:12,109
The whole system is royally effed.
463
00:18:12,110 --> 00:18:14,019
Humans suck...
464
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:15,439
but this isn't their fault.
465
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,879
You read what I wrote
and it got through to you?
466
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,449
Yeah, but I also used the
pages to wipe my butt,
467
00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:22,329
so don't pop a stiffy just yet.
468
00:18:22,330 --> 00:18:23,829
Mm-kay?
469
00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:26,330
- Ugh.
- I am so proud of you.
470
00:18:26,335 --> 00:18:27,580
I don't care.
471
00:18:27,586 --> 00:18:29,750
I think you do a little bit.
472
00:18:29,755 --> 00:18:31,429
Whoo! Sister hug.
473
00:18:31,430 --> 00:18:32,920
Okay, get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew.
474
00:18:32,924 --> 00:18:34,420
Hey, listen up.
475
00:18:34,426 --> 00:18:36,869
I made an official ruling,
and I am not going to see it
476
00:18:36,870 --> 00:18:40,139
undone by two Janets playing keep-away.
477
00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:42,419
Oh, I should've explained.
478
00:18:42,420 --> 00:18:44,260
It's not two of us.
479
00:18:44,269 --> 00:18:46,349
It's all of us.
480
00:18:46,350 --> 00:18:47,760
- Hi!
- What up, nerds?
481
00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:49,230
- Hello.
- Eat my farts, losers.
482
00:18:49,232 --> 00:18:51,440
I am here for a certain
reason and no other reasons.
483
00:18:51,443 --> 00:18:53,039
- What up, fart-knockers?
- Hi!
484
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,579
- Hello.
- What it is? What it is?
485
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:56,720
What up, dorks?
486
00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:03,399
Sent the manifesto around
to all the other Janets.
487
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,379
We have a group text now.
488
00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:07,990
I mostly send gifs of otters.
489
00:19:08,377 --> 00:19:13,209
This is so annoying!
490
00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:14,819
Okay, Janets.
491
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,939
You want to do this the hard way?
492
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:21,430
I am gonna search your voids one by one.
493
00:19:21,431 --> 00:19:25,970
And then marbleize you one by one
494
00:19:25,977 --> 00:19:31,440
until I get my stupid Earth
rebooter thingy back.
495
00:19:31,441 --> 00:19:33,139
We're not gonna be able
to hold her off forever.
496
00:19:33,140 --> 00:19:34,769
We need a plan.
497
00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:37,499
Okay, so what's the plan?
498
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:39,719
Plan, plan, plan.
499
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,579
Step one, get a plan.
500
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,879
Step two, do the plan.
501
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,860
Yeah, yeah. This is working.
502
00:19:45,870 --> 00:19:48,799
- Michael, focus.
- Right, sorry. Uh...
503
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,260
all right, so if we can't
change the points,
504
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:54,749
then maybe we can change
what we do with the points.
505
00:19:54,750 --> 00:19:57,959
Yeah, we just need a brand new system
506
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,169
for judging humans in the afterlife.
507
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:01,899
We can do this, right?
508
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:03,399
Yeah, but in order to crack it,
509
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,089
I think you know what needs to happen.
510
00:20:05,090 --> 00:20:07,839
There is literally only one person here
511
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,180
who is smart enough
512
00:20:09,187 --> 00:20:12,800
and thoughtful enough to save humanity.
513
00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:16,059
Fine. I'll do it.
514
00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:17,980
Not you, dummy.
515
00:20:17,988 --> 00:20:19,479
Designing a better afterlife
516
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,879
is the ultimate ethical question.
517
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,320
Chidi spent his entire existence
518
00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:25,869
pondering the biggest questions.
519
00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:29,999
He is brilliant and empathetic.
520
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,959
All he cares about is how
best to treat other people,
521
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,294
and he is willing to sacrifice
his own happiness to do it.
522
00:20:36,295 --> 00:20:38,130
If we're gonna pull this off,
523
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:41,959
we need Chidi back, and
he needs his memories.
524
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,859
You want to take the most
indecisive man ever born,
525
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:51,209
stuff him full of over 800
different versions of himself,
526
00:20:51,210 --> 00:20:56,079
and then tell him he has, like,
45 minutes to save humanity?
527
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,020
You think that will go well?
528
00:20:58,028 --> 00:20:59,849
I don't know how it's gonna go.
529
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:01,573
But he is our only chance,
530
00:21:01,574 --> 00:21:03,990
and it is now or literally never.
531
00:21:03,992 --> 00:21:06,661
Wake him up.
532
00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:11,369
Not in this Janet. Next.
533
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,886
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
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