All language subtitles for Benidorm s08e06.eng

(SNORING)

(COUGHS AND SNORTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Uhh. Oh, God, I feel terrible.

Hair of the dog.

This has got to stop.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) No, I'm sorry, pet.

I can't do it. It's just too hard.

(MUFFLED SPEECH)
- Hang on, hang on.

Hang on.

Here you are.
- Too hard for you?

Are you having a laugh, Les? I'm
absolutely gasping.

If you wanted a brew we've just gone
past breakfast.

I'm not gasping for tea, I'm gasping
for air.

Aye, I thought I was on skating on
thin ice

having last night's chicken jalfrezi
for breakfast.

What did you mean too hard for you?
You've got the easy bit.

Nah, I mean...

this was always me and Liam's
costume,

you know, for the fancy dress.

I know, why don't you wear that red
dress you wore the other night?

I'll get you a red wig from the joke shop
and you can go as... What's her name?

Rita... someone.

Hayworth. You'll look hilarious.

I'll go and make the brew.

Sorry, Les, I didn't mean to...

Listen, son, you know that condition
of Sheron's...

about me coming to stay with you?

Yeah. Er, I think so. What did I say
it was?

No women after ten o'clock.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
- Well, I'm thinking.

You know if that little dalliance
I've got with Jacqueline works out...

I don't want to close the day's
fishing before I've got me tackle out, if you see what I mean.

Shall we talk about it another time?

No, but we'll be home in a couple of
days.

Leave it for now and maybe talk about
it when Sheron's in a good mood.

I'm not sure any of us are going to
live that long.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joyce
Temple-Savage here.

As you all know, today is Benidorm's
world-famous

British fancy dress fiesta.

Please feel free to join in the fun.

If you need help with costumes just
ask Mateo

also known, for today, as Bingo the
clown!

Honk your horn.

(TOOTS)

And smile. Don't forget to smile.
You're supposed to be a clown.

Mr DuBeke, please remove yourself
from the sunbeds,

people are beginning to think it's
penny for the guy.

(ALL LAUGH)

Piss off!

Bloody hell. Joyce Temple-Savage

has gone a bit heavy
wi' t'make-up today. - (LAUGHS)

Can we dress up, Mum?
- We haven't got any costumes love.

Please?

I wonder if he does birthday parties

or just sticks to murdering teenagers
at county fairs?

Why do people think clowns are
funny? They give me nightmares.

(TOOTS)
- I'm wi' you, Robert.

There's nowt entertaining about a
big fat bloke with silly hair

wearing embarrassing clothes
and a big red nose.

Dad, can I get a costume, please?

Oh, I get it. Your mum says no so you
ask your Dad.

You're not as daft as you look.
- I didn't say no, I said we don't have any costumes.

In that case, I think we need a trip
to the shops, don't we? - Yeah.

Right, who's coming?

I was gonna hang out with Tiger and
Joey today.

I'm all right here.
- Come on then.

If you're buying I fancy something
very fetching in tight Lycra.

Good luck in finding summat in your
size.

I beg your pardon?
- Well, it's all for t'kids, in't it, fancy dress?

Right, are you ready, darling?
- Yeah.

Do you still want us
to hire you that car, Eddie? - What car?

The one that squirts water, explodes
and all the doors fall off.

(LAUGHS)
- See you in a bit.

I never asked to hire a car.

What would I want wi' a car?
- (CHUCKLES)

And Donald said to Frankie Howerd,

'There's no point offering her four
fingers, she can't even manage two.'

Ooh! And that's how they used to
measure whisky?

Yeah, that's why Donald was so
popular

because of his fat fingers.

As a barman, I mean.

Yeah.

(GRUFFLY) Morning.

These were on reception for you.
- Oh! Aren't they lovely?

Oh, Kenneth, you look smashing!

Mr Motivator, isn't it?

I'm not sure I can be bothered with
this fancy-dress day.

It's not fancy dress, you cheeky cow.
I just haven't been to bed yet.

Remind me never to send you flowers if that's
the face you pull. Look at the gob on her.

They're from Gavin. - How do you know?
There's no card, just your name and address.

I had a good root round, obviously.

They're my favourite. The only flowers I'd
ever allow in the salon. Only he'd know that.

Plus, I got this pushed under the
door yesterday.

Oh, Troy.

Why don't you and Gavin get back
together?

You were the perfect couple.
- It's true. What was it they used to call you?

The Diana and Dodi of the East
Midlands.

It's a mystery why that never worked
out. - Shut up. I had 15 happy years.

Hmph.
- Yeah, then you met that whinging fat old cow.

Right, I am due a very large English
breakfast with extra BP.

This swimmer's build will not
maintain itself, eh?

You've got a corkscrew perm at 11.

Gives me 12 minutes to eat me breakfast
and one minute to get back here.

I do love it when a plan comes
together.

Hey, there's no stamp on this.

(GASPS)
Gavin's in Benidorm.

I know. Don't.
- Eugh.

Hello, do you do walk-ins?
- Only if they're six foot, blonde Norwegian football players.

He's only joking, come and take a
seat.

Won't be a minute. I'll just put
these in some water. - Beautiful flowers.

Yeah, aren't they?
- Oh, heavens.

Don't worry, I've got that.

Cup of tea?
- Oh, thank you. Milk and no sugar.

You've got a smashing bust.

I hate the fancy dressing.

I hate how everybody's treating me
like a clown.

I'm not sure that's got much to do
with the costume to be honest, Mateo.

I hate everyone laughing at me,
calling me stupid names.

And then they dressed you as a
clown.

Oh, and this wig is making me crazy!
Ohh!

Ah, you found another costume then?
- Yeah.

Nurse Amber is now on call.

It's too hot for the fancy dressing.
Why did they move the fiesta?

It was better in November.
- I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

I wasn't making fun of you.
- Don't worry about it.

The fancy dress festival was always
mine and Liam's day. I just miss him.

No, saying you'd look hilarious
dressed as a woman.

Let's just leave it, shall we?

Excuse me?
- What can I get you?

Vodka pineapple, please.

If you miss Liam why don't you go
and see him?

It's not that easy. We both work six
days a week.

Then there's the small matter of 40
euros each time for the coach.

And Madrid is expensive.
It's one of the reasons I come back. - Aye.

Right.

What did I come in here for?

Oh, yeah, lemonade.

I do not like to see Les sad, but he
does miss his son.

Don't be sad. Clowns are meant to be
happy.

And nurses are meant to make people
feel better.

Between us we should be able to think of
something to put a smile back on his face.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Blarrrhh!
- Arh! - Ohh!

What?

You shouldn't be using your phone
all day, kid.

It'll cost you a fortune out here.
- I'm just playing chess.

Who are you playing? - Nobody, it's
just a free app on my phone. A free game.

Oh, right.

I used to be good at chess.

There you go, finish the game.

Just touch the pieces to move them.
You're white.

All right, Rob? You coming to the fiesta?
- Whoa!

You're taking this fancy-dress day a
bit far, aren't you?

Oh, nah, mate. This ain't a costume.

Yeah, I know. It was kind of a joke.
- These are my normal clothes.

Yeah, no, as I was saying -
- Oh, my days!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Hey,
Tige, Tige!

I came over here and Rob thought I
was in my costume cos my T-shirt's bright and that!

I was like, 'This ain't my costume,
bruv.

These are my normal clothes.'

He's like, 'Ah, I thought it was your
costume.'

It was hilarious, man. We were
cracking up, weren't we?

(LAUGHS)

I don't know what we're gonna do for
costumes. We're skint.

I've got some money.
- I thought if we stick a ten euro note

to each of our foreheads we could go
as the Three Tenors.

Do you get it? The singers?
- The Three Musketeers?

Yeah, or the three cats.

No, Joey. We were going for things
that there's specifically three of.

My nan has three cats. We can go as
them.

Bloody hell, kid. Where did you find
this one?

I think there's a village somewhere
short of an idiot.

Right, come on, let's roll.

OK, we're off, Grandad.
- I've just started another game.

Don't worry, I don't need my phone.
- Are you sure, son?

Yeah. No ringing your mates in the
UK though!

What mates?
- See you later.

See you later, son.

Oh, actually, we can't go as my nan's
cats.

I just realised, one of them's a
girl.

There you go. I think that's taken
ten years off you.

Not that I knew how old you were in
the first place,

but if I had to guess...

mid... thirties?

I can see why you're so popular.
- (CHUCKLES)

And if you're in Castle Donington

you're literally 20 minutes away
from our Derby salon, Hair by Troy.

Thank you. Well, I'm here for two
weeks,

so I might have to see you again for
a touch up.

Hey, cheeky, we'll have to keep an
eye on you.

The lovely Jacqueline will see you
at the till.

Hola! This way, please.

There you go, Barry. Looking
fabulous.

But if you take my advice you'll drop
the Black and White Minstrels idea.

Very 1960s.

Why don't you do your karaoke numbers
in falsetto

and tell everyone you've come as Leo
Sayer?

All right. Thanks, Kenneth.
- If you'd like to see Jacqueline at the till.

(MOUTHS)

Come on then, spill the beans about
Gavin.

I'm not gossiping.
- Good. I don't want gossip, I want hard facts.

It started a few weeks ago.

He'd send me postcards like that
unsigned.

He'd leave Post-it notes on the front
door with a love heart drawn on them.

And you're sure it was Gavin?
- I'd pick up the phone and all I'd hear

is this kind of wheezy, laboured
breathing.

Yeah, that's him.
- I'm just nipping out for a breather.

All right, love.
- All right.

The creepiest thing he did was leave
Love Heart sweets everywhere for me.

He'd post them through the door at
home and at the salon.

If I went to the loo in a bar, when
I came back there'd be a packet of them where I'd been sitting.

Bloody hell. You know Gavin's serious
if he's giving food away.

Why didn't you ring him,
have it out with him? - I didn't want any contact.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Balloon-o-gram for Troy.

Oh, for God's sake.

They have just arrived at the
reception.

'Dear Troy: Please meet me

at the Grand Cafe in the old town at
2pm.'

What are you gonna do?

Not being funny, but is it really
worth spending 30 euros each

to look like a bunch of tools?

What?
- Oh, no, cos we're dressed as actual tools.

I thought...
- Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS)

No, you're right though. I ain't
even got 30 euros.

We could go into town and get
hammered instead? (BOTH LAUGH)

Please tell me you meant that one.

Cos you're dressed like a hammer!
(LAUGHS)

Boo ya! I'm on fire, bitches!

All right, hang on, I'll do one for
you. (LAUGHS)

I...saw... you.

I saw you!

Mr Saw! (LAUGHS)

Nah, that one was rubbish.

Damn. Thought I'd nailed it.

How was that one funny?

Come on, let's grab a beer.

Oh, bollocks!

Everything OK, sir?

It is now, darling.

Do you know, you get more gorgeous
every time I see you.

Charmed, I'm sure. If there's
nothing I can help you with...

I see you've come dressed as a
glamorous hotel manageress.

Well, I like to look the part.

Maybe I could be the fella who
cleans the pool.

If only you were. He's can celled
three times this week.

If that pool gets any dirtier we'll
have to give swimmers

a tetanus shot and a flashlight.

Course, in the films I've seen the pool
doesn't usually end up much cleaner.

Yes, well, they do say life imitates
art.

I'm not sure you'd call these films art love
but they look good, I'll give you that.

Are you not dressing up for the
British fiesta?

I'm not going to bother. It's for
t'kids mainly.

Although I've heard

dressing up can be fun for adults as
well.

Indeed. What woman doesn't
love a man in uniform?

Oh.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oof!

(LIVELY BAND MUSIC)

I can't believe Joey went to church.
- You didn't know he was religious?

I thought you were best mates.
- We're mates. We play football together once a week.

I mentioned going on holiday and he
said he'd be up for it.

So you don't really know him that well.
- I know he's shit at football.

(LAUGHS) Nah, he's a good bloke.

He's certainly kept me
laughing this holiday. - Oi, oi! What do you reckon?

Where did you get them?
- The church.

I thought you were going in
for a quick pray? - Nah, man.

My mum's religious. One thing I've
learnt about churches:

security is lax, bro.

(LAUGHTER)

Did you steal them?
- Nah, man. Just borrowed 'em, innit?

Nice one, brother. Or
should that be sister?

Hey, lads, wearing women's clothes

isn't a habit I want to get into.

Definitely not, it's just for fancy
dress.

No, Joe, a habit.
Do you get it?

A habit.
- No, mate, like Joey said, it's just a one-off. Chill, bruv.

There you go, darling. Tiger man.

Now, did your mum give you
a euro for the jar? - Yeah.

Thank you.
- Well done, Amber, this is lovely. - Rrarrr!

Oh, terrifying!

(GROWLS)
- Mind you, not as terrifying as some.

It is no good, I ask the children

if they want to have their face made
with the paint but they run away.

I'm not surprised, you look
horrendous.

I am a clown. Children love clowns.

Nobody likes clowns. They're
terrifying. Go and get changed.

It was the last costume. You think
I'd choose to be a clown?

I'm sure a stag party left a load of
tarts and vicars costumes last week.

What is a tart?
- Like you don't know.

Off you go.

Come on, you've been in there ages.
- It ain't Stars in Your Eyes.

I can't walk through a door and come back
seconds later looking like Tina Turner.

You need any help Jodie, love?
- No, I'm alright. Nearly ready.

A-ha, me hearties! Captain Blackbeard
at your service.

Captain Birdseye more like.
- Hush your noise, you dirty landlubber

or I'll take me cutlass and run you
through.

Oh, shit.
- I don't think you'll be running anywhere, not with that leg.

(GASPS) Wow!
You look amazing!

I'm a mermaid.
- Brilliant!

The only problem is I can't walk.

But you can carry me, Dad, can't you?
- Um...

Of course he can carry you.
- Can they not cut a hole for your feet?

They can't cut my tail. I wouldn't
be able to swim, silly. - Yeah, silly.

It's just that, you know, I've got
this wooden leg and...

It's a bit tricky.
- Pick up your daughter. - Honestly, I don't think -

Pick her up.
- Yep, yep, no problem.

(RINGING TONE)

Is it ringing?
- Yeah.

It's one of them international
ringtones so he's definitely here.

Who'd have thought Gavin would turn
out to be a rabbit boiler?

A what?
- You know, that film with Glen Campbell.

I have no idea what you're talking
about.

Gavin.

It's Kenneth.

What do you mean 'Kenneth who'?

What do you mean what do I want?

Don't you pull the innocent with me,
Gavin Ramsbottom.

We know you've been sending these flowers
and balloons. Troy's gone to meet you.

How does he know where you are?
You're in Benidorm.

You're in Venice?
- Not Glen Campbell, Glenn Close.

Oh, shut up. No, not you.

What are you doing in Venice?

So if it's not you sending all this
stuff, who is it?

Hi, Gavin. It's Troy again. You're
half an hour late now so...

Are you coming or shall we add this

to the increasingly long list of
unacceptable behaviour you've displayed of late?

Please call me when you get this.
Thank you. Bye.

Hello!
- Oh, hello again.

Twice in one day. The gods are
smiling on us.

Have you been shopping?
- I tried my best but you know what it's like here.

It's as if they don't want your
money.

It doesn't look like you've done too badly.
- Trinkets, darling.

And a little supper. One has to eat.

Listen, while you're here, could I
ask you a favour?

I need a big strong man.
- Oh, no worries.

I can probably find one
if you give me five minutes. - Oh, handsome and funny.

I bet you've liberated one or two ladies
from their dignity with that routine.

Listen, I'm sorry to be a pain
but...

...my front door is terribly rusty.

Sounds painful.
- Sorry? - Nothing.

I usually prefer a hotel but I
thought an apartment

would be so much fun when I booked
this holiday.

How wrong I was. I've asked them to
come and look at it

but it's all manana, manana.

Would you be a darling and help me
to get in?

Er, the thing is I'm supposed to be
meeting someone.

I hate to ask.

I fear my grouper's beginning to
smell.

I'm sorry?
- Fish.

Oh! Well, we can't have that, can
we?

It would take a big strong boy like
you literally two minutes.

Well, my friend is late already

and I've asked him to ring me so...

Are you in this block?
- Literally just here.

OK.
- Oh! You're my hero. How can I repay you?

Could I tempt you with my little
fish?

I very much doubt that.

Fourth floor. No lift, I'm afraid.
- No wonder your grouper's wiffy.

My hero.

There we go.

Oh, Troy, you're an angel sent from
heaven.

Can I tempt you with a vino rosado?

Or as I call it, day wine.

Thanks, Daisy, but I'd better be off.
- My toilet.

I beg your pardon?
- My toilet.

Um, could you take a look at it?

I don't think I'm getting a full
flush.

No, sorry, I have to go.
- But I'm terrified of losing my deposit!

Well, I'll... I'll have a very quick
look.

Oh! Troy, you're a life saver.
It's just through there.

(LOCK CLICKS)

Darling Troy.

I'd heard you'd emigrated to Spain,

but I would go to the ends of the
earth for you,

even Benidorm.

Now we can be together...

...forever.

Man, these outfits are hot.

I know, man. Sometimes covering up is
more sexy.

Keeps the ladies guessing, innit?
Hola!

(GIGGLES)

Excuse me.

What do you think you are doing?

What do you think? Are you thick or
something?

Joey, for God's sake.
- What? He ain't a real policeman.

It's fancy-dress day, you muppet.

Look, that is the worst fake
moustache I've ever seen.

Look at the state of him. (LAUGHS)

Oh, shit.

Don't you know it is illegal to
drink

while dressed in the religious
clothes?

I think there's been a
misunderstanding.

We were told we could borrow these because
my father is a friend of the priest.

OK, what is the name of the priest?

Keith. His name is Keith.

Keith?
- Manuel. - Jose.

Graham.

What? That's quite a priesty name.
- OK, listen to me carefully.

It is the British fiesta. In the
spirit of international relations

I will not be arresting you.

Thank you. Thank you so much, your honour.
- Shut up.

But to make amends you will have to
clean the entire beach front.

You got to be joking.
- Do I look like I am joking?

You can buy bags in this shop.

I will be back in three hours to check
every piece of litter has been cleared up.

Come on.

I'm not being funny but that really
does look like a dodgy moustache.

Joey!
- (SIGHS)

Oh, wey-hey-hey!

It's the Pirates of the Caribbean.

(CHUCKLES)

What happened to you? - I've just dropped the
Not So Little Mermaid at Dickie Donuts Kids Club.

What mermaid?
- Oh, forget it.

That's better.

Ey, they're great costumes them. Did
you get me one?

What's this cheap rubbish?
- It's was all the money we had left.

They blocked my card cos I forgot to
tell the bank I was coming here.

Pass the phone, I'll ring them.
- I promised Robert I wouldn't make any calls on it.

Shut up, give it here. I pay the
bloody bill.

The card game on it stopped working.
Can you restart it or something?

I was enjoying playing on that.

I used to run a very popular card game
in t'snug at the Coach and Horses.

Liquor in the front, poker round the
back.

I beg your pardon?

Drinks in the front, card game round
the back.

What's all this about? 'Daily limit
reached'.

I know. I don't know why it says that.
Robert says all the games are free.

'Your daily limit of £500 has been reached
on your credit card ending in 4546.'

That's why my card was declined. You've
spent all my money on bloody online poker!

(FAINT MUSIC)

No, I think it's all just a bit of a
misunderstanding.

Yeah, cheers. Have a Cornetto for me.

Well, if Gavin's in Venice, who's
Troy gone to meet in the old town?

Give him a ring and find out.

Who was sitting there earlier?
- Where? - That seat.

That was what's-her-name. Daisy.

I think something fell out of her
bag.

O to the M to the F to the G.

(GASPS)

You're going to laugh but every
Monday when you came into the cash and carry

I'd cover all the five-litre bottles
of perming solution in kisses...

knowing you'd take one of them.
- Hilarious.

I used to sit at the bus stop
opposite your salon after work

and look at you,

desperately trying to pluck up the
courage to go in.

And then one day I did. I pretended I
needed some change for a parking meter.

I went in

and that... strange little fat man
served me.

My husband, at the time. Gavin.

Oh Troy, you are such a funny
little goose.

Marry me.
- I don't think you're listening to me.

Gavin was my husband. I am gay.
- Guess what they used to call me at work.

Psychopathic bitch from hell?
- Crazy Daisy!

(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY)

Because I'm so impetuous!

(MOBILE BUZZES)

That's Kenneth again. If I don't answer
they'll think something's wrong.

Answer it, tell them you're OK.

But if you tell them where you
are...

as much as I love you, darling,

I will kill you.

Kenneth?

It's Daisy, she's the stalker.

Yeah, I'm fine. Absolutely fine. - (MOUTHS)
- Oh, my God, you're with her, aren't you?

Sorry, I can't hear you.
- (CHURCH BELLS RING) - I'm quite high up and

Give us your address. We'll be there
in ten minutes.

Troy?

Hello?

I don't like being disturbed.

I don't think you've got much
choice.

Don't go anywhere, you're going to
love this.

Two minutes.

Ooh! Ha, ha!

(SIGHS AND GROANS)

Joey, man. You're getting ash on my
clothes.

Oh, sorry, Ty.

They say smoking is a dirty... habit.

Why was that funny?
- No idea, mate.

Hey, look. There's that copper.

Shall we show him how much we've collected?
- Yeah, come on.

No, I'm in Benidorm on Webbo's stag
do.

Yeah, yeah. It's this mad day. Everyone
in the whole place dresses up.

I'm a policeman. Yeah, mate. I've been
proper winding people up and that.

It's been hilarious. You should've
come, honest.

I can't believe it. We've been doing
this for ages.

Why is he speaking in an English
accent?

Cos he's English.
- So, why was he speaking in a Spanish accent before?

He tricked us, Joe.

We've been picking up this rubbish
for nothing. - He's tricked us?

I'm gonna have a word.
- No, wait!

Joey, man, we can't let him
get away with that. - I know but, wait a sec.

Let's do this properly.

This'll teach 'em.

(MOUTHS)

Oh, my God.

Joey, no!

If they're not real policeman, how
can they arrest us?

Shut up, Joey. Seriously.

(BOTH GROAN)

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Oh, my... goodness.

Isn't it divine?

What's wrong, darling?

Don't you like it?
- Er...

You've been on the balcony.
- Just for a bit of fresh air.

I am warning you, Troy, if you do
anything silly

that means we can't get married
today, you know what I'll do.

How are we supposed to get married?

Why do you think I got an apartment
next to the church? Silly sausage.

But we're not locals. The priest
might not agree to marry us.

Oh, I think he will.

Listen, Daisy, I can't get married
in a church.

Why not?
- Well... I'm a Muslim.

Really?
- Yeah.

I always knew you were... a bit
ethnic,

but I thought that was just your style.
- No, no.

Fully-paid-up member me.

But, listen, I've got an idea.

Why don't we go back to the Solana?
- Why would we do that?

Well, they...

have... a wedding license.

Do they?
- Yes.

We could get married today.

That would make me the happiest
woman alive.

Do you really mean it?
- I do.

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, wait.

Now we could hear the church bells so
we must be near.

Oh, and he said he was up high, so...

Ooh, this is like that film, in't it?
With Leslie Nielsen.

What, Airplane?
- No, the one where his daughter gets kidnapped

and he rings them up.

(BAD IRISH ACCENT)
'I don't know who you are

and I don't know what I want.'

No, that's not right.

'I don't know who you are

and I don't know where I am.'

No, hang on. That's not right
either.

'I don't know who you are

and I don't know who I am.'

No, that definitely can't be -
- Oh, will you shut up?!

A white flag.

Come on.

(MOUTHS)

(MOUTHS)

Arrrhhh!

Hola.

I am warning you, Troy,

if you do anything stupid I will
kill us both.

Actually, that would be terribly
romantic.

Together forever.
- Let's go for the wedding.

It'd be a shame to ruin that lovely
dress.

Aw. I knew you liked the dress.

Outside then to the right.

Oh, Troy. You were telling the
truth.

Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you,

my darling.

You see?

Father Mateo, I didn't realise you
were working today. How fortunate.

What?
- Daisy and I would like to get married.

You are both getting married?

I thought you were a moofalata.
(SNIGGERS)

Um, I'm guessing Ragtimes Chapel is
free now.

Go away, you are drunk.

We'd like to get married, please.

Madre mia.
- Now.

Come on, darling.

♪ MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March

I'm going as soon as I've played
this.

You have to stay. She is a crazy
dangerous woman.

Oh, great. That's really given me
the incentive to hang around.

(MUTTERS) Shut up.

Are you absolutely positive it
looked like a real gun?

I mean, it's fancy dress day.
- Do you really want to chance it?

She looked psychotic. - I'm going up
there, this is ridiculous. - BOTH: No!

I'm telling you, it looked like a
real gun. I've phoned the police.

What's going on?
- Where have you been?

Your mate's up there getting married
to some mad woman. - Crazy Daisy.

Look, we need to get in there now.

She's deranged, she's come all the
way from Castle Donington.

The police! They're here.
- Ah!

Hey!
- Hey! - (ALL CHEER)

(ALL SIGH)

Hang on a minute, I've got an idea.

♪ MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March

We are here today to make a marriage
of Troy and...

Daisy.
- ..Troy and Daisy.

Marriage is a special thing.

It is not to be taken - how do you
say? - with no responsibles.

You have to be committed.
- I think she should be.

I beg your pardon?
- Oh, nothing. Carry on.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Bride or groom?
- Groom. - Groom.

I mean, groom.

Don't mind me, I'm on work
experience.

You were in the salon earlier.

Oh, bless you, my child. That is my
brother Kenneth, the hairdresser.

I am Kevin, a man of the cloth.

OK. Do you, Daisy,

take this man to be your awful
wedded husband?

(MUTTERS) Lawful.
- What? - (Lawful)

It's lawful, not awful.

Ohhhh!
I so do!

And do you, Troy, take Daisy

to be your awful - I'm sorry -
lawful wedded wife?

Do you have the rings?
- Oh, the rings.

Oh, my goodness, we don't have
rings.

Don't worry, I think I can help.

Really?
- Yeah, if you just put your hand out for me.

Let's have a look at you. It's in
here. (CHUCKLES)

It's in here somewhere. (CHUCKLES)

No!
- Quick! Get her! - (SCREAMS)

Argh!

(WAILS AND SOBS)

Keep hold of her! Don't let her go!

Don't let her go!

(WAILS) Troy!

Troy!

I love you, Troy!

But we only have 14 hours

to save the earth!

Arhhhh!

♪ Can you hear me?

♪ Can you hear me?

♪ Through the dark night

♪ Far away... ♪

I must say you're taking all this
very well.

To be honest I was just relieved it
wasn't Gavin.

He can be quite peevish when he
wants to be.

Who was he in Venice with?

Oh, are we jealous?

No, just asking out of interest.

Said he was on his own.

On his own? Who goes to the most
romantic city on earth on their own?

I know, what a waste. I was thinking
of giving Daisy his address there. She's obviously not fussy.

Hey!
Cheeky sod.

(SIGHS)

Do you mind if we don't tell anyone?
- About dressing like nuns?

No, about getting arrested.
- Oh, right. Yeah, no worries.

I thought they'd make us spend the
night in there.

I'm gonna find my family.

Good night.

God bless.
- Good night. God bless.

Good night. God bless.

♪ I took all those habits of yours

♪ That in the beginning were hard to
accept

♪ Your fashion sense...

Where have you been hiding all day?

Fancy a table for two?
- Excuse me, I'm sitting with my friends.

Are you all right?
- No, I'm not, I'm absolutely jiggered.

I told him everything from beginning
to end,

every last little detail.

A real blow-by-blow account.

Oh, I don't remember that bit.

Not that he seemed interested.

In fact, I'm sure he fell asleep
before the end of it.

Just sat there. Stank
of booze as well.

Jacqueline, you know this policeman
you spoke to?

Yeah?
- Was he in Ragtimes?

No, he was just sitting at the bar
in reception

with a friend who was dressed as a chicken.
- (SNIGGERS)

What?

♪ You're in my heart

♪ You're in my soul

♪ You'll be my breath, should I grow
old... ♪

£500? Where are we supposed
to get £500 from?

Oh, don't shout at me, Sheron,
please.

I'll pay you back when I can. It was an honest
mistake. I don't know what else to say.

You're as much to blame for giving
him the phone. - He was playing chess.

Why have you got a gambling game on
your phone anyway? - Mother, I play like 10p a hand.

Yeah, well, your bloody grandad
didn't, did he?

£500.

We're not still going on about that?
He said he'd pay it back.

When I can.
- When he can.

I'm not sitting here if you're gonna
have a go at me all night. - Good.

Go and sit with your fancy woman.
- She's not my fancy woman.

And you got me t'right bloody
costume.

Looks like I'll be living like a
monk from now on,

thanks to your condition of no women
after ten o'clock

when I come and live with you.
- I never said that.

You can do what you like in your own
caravan.

In my own what?
- Anybody want to do karaoke?

Caravan. We're bringing it down from Brid
and you're going on the front drive.

Jodie. Karaoke?
- I'm tired. Can you carry me to bed?

Me, living on t'street like a bloody
tinker?

I didn't say on the street. I said
the front drive.

Not a chance.
- Well, then make your own arrangements.

Aye, I will, cos I know when I'm not
wanted.

You can stick your caravan up your
arse, Sheron.

You've finally got what you wanted.

I won't be coming to live with you.

I'd rather sleep in t'gutter.

And don't come looking for me
tomorrow because I'll be getting t'first flight home.

Thank you and goodnight.

Well...

that's that sorted then.

What a day. Right, Amber, one more
brandy each,

purely medicinal, then everybody
back to work.

Mateo, did you give your statement
to the police?

Yes, we have all spoken to the
police.

The crazy woman is in the hospital.
Everything is back to normal.

(CHUCKLES) Normal?

Look at this place! When have we
ever been normal?

Right.

(SPLUTTERS) On we go.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Les, you're not dressed as Lesley
tonight?

No, pet. I think there's been enough
dressing up for one day, don't you?

Listen, when I did the face painting
for the kids today

we were given some tips and we were
gonna give you the 20 euros...

No, no, I don't want your money.

...but we knew you wouldn't take it.

So we bought you an open return
coach ticket to Madrid.

So you can go and see Liam.

An open return costs more than 20
euros.

I know. Mateo put the rest in with
the money he came into yesterday.

I don't know what to say.
- Bless you, my child.

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