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1
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,536
(GRUNTS)
2
00:00:53,466 --> 00:00:54,536
Oh!
3
00:00:57,426 --> 00:00:58,526
(COUGHS)
4
00:01:06,606 --> 00:01:07,616
Erm...
5
00:01:08,556 --> 00:01:11,646
Turn it off. Turn it off! Paquito!
6
00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:14,466
For God's sake.
7
00:01:38,586 --> 00:01:42,456
Never known a flight like it.
You slept all the way!
8
00:01:42,466 --> 00:01:44,596
What is the point of
paying for extra leg-room
9
00:01:44,606 --> 00:01:48,436
when the fat cow next to me had
half her back wedged in my seat?
10
00:01:48,446 --> 00:01:50,506
You didn't pay for extra leg-room.
No.
11
00:01:50,516 --> 00:01:53,576
And thank God I never,
with Barbapapa sitting next to me.
12
00:01:53,586 --> 00:01:56,486
I'm sure she was the woman
in that documentary.
13
00:01:56,496 --> 00:01:59,626
She went to the doctor with
stomach ache. He lifted up her gut,
14
00:01:59,636 --> 00:02:02,446
found nine quid in loose change,
15
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,586
two remote controls
and next door's cat.
16
00:02:04,596 --> 00:02:06,596
Will you please shut up?
17
00:02:06,606 --> 00:02:11,556
I just listened to two hours
of you snoring on the plane. I don't need any more headache.
18
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:13,586
And what have you got in that bag?
19
00:02:13,596 --> 00:02:15,416
Snoring?
20
00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:17,586
Who was snoring?
Chance would be a fine thing
21
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:21,616
with Elvis Presley next to me,
farting, shovelling in the pasties.
22
00:02:21,626 --> 00:02:24,586
You did snore, cos I videoed it
on me dad's phone. Eh?
23
00:02:26,486 --> 00:02:30,586
That's never me.
You've done something with that. Give us it here. Get off!
24
00:02:30,596 --> 00:02:34,556
Stop it. Nana, get off! Give us
me phone, Michael. Give us me phone!
25
00:02:34,566 --> 00:02:36,566
Hey. What's going on here?
26
00:02:36,576 --> 00:02:40,446
Nothing. They're just a bit giddy
about being on holiday.
27
00:02:40,456 --> 00:02:41,536
(VIDEO: SNORING)
28
00:02:41,546 --> 00:02:43,546
What is this?
29
00:02:44,606 --> 00:02:49,586
What kind of thing is this?
You are not allowed to bring video nasties into Spain.
30
00:02:49,596 --> 00:02:51,626
Video nasties? That's me mother.
31
00:02:51,636 --> 00:02:56,426
You cheeky bastard! You're not
exactly Michael Bubbly yourself.
32
00:02:56,436 --> 00:02:59,476
She didn't mean that. She's not had
her cigs for three hours.
33
00:02:59,486 --> 00:03:01,546
She'll be OK once we get her outside
34
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:05,486
and stick her gob over the coach's
exhaust for a couple of minutes.
35
00:03:05,496 --> 00:03:07,486
It's just a joke.
36
00:03:08,516 --> 00:03:10,546
Oh, look, we're holding up
the queue.
37
00:03:10,556 --> 00:03:13,656
Wait!
Your face, it is familiar to me.
38
00:03:14,416 --> 00:03:17,486
Are you sure? Cos I thought
we all looked the same to you.
39
00:03:17,496 --> 00:03:21,506
I don't mean that
in a racialist way. Have you ever been arrested in Spain?
40
00:03:21,516 --> 00:03:23,586
Specifically Benidorm?
Arrested?
41
00:03:23,596 --> 00:03:27,466
You're joking, aren't you? Me?
I wouldn't say boo to a goose.
42
00:03:27,476 --> 00:03:30,476
Yeah, you have.
When you punched Mel on the beach.
43
00:03:30,486 --> 00:03:33,616
They arrested you and put you
in the cells in the police station.
44
00:03:39,516 --> 00:03:43,466
Oops.
Please. Follow me.
45
00:03:43,476 --> 00:03:46,516
Brilliant(!)
Another hour without a cig.
46
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:48,496
Oh, shut up!
47
00:03:59,426 --> 00:04:02,576
Good morning. Joyce Temple Savage,
Solana manageress.
48
00:04:02,586 --> 00:04:04,606
How can I be of service to you?
49
00:04:04,616 --> 00:04:08,566
Well, for a start, we booked
two rooms in a four-star hotel.
50
00:04:08,576 --> 00:04:14,476
But we seem to have been put into
a... a 1970s Bulgarian youth hostel.
51
00:04:15,486 --> 00:04:16,606
I'm sorry?
52
00:04:16,616 --> 00:04:19,606
I went backpacking through Bulgaria
in the '70s.
53
00:04:19,616 --> 00:04:23,516
And I can assure you they didn't
even have a ping-pong table,
54
00:04:23,526 --> 00:04:28,426
never mind a piano bar with
a choice of four continental lagers.
55
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:32,586
There's no way this place would get
a four-star rating in ANY country.
56
00:04:32,596 --> 00:04:35,526
Now, was it Bulgaria
or was it Minsk?
57
00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:38,636
I remember it sounded like
one of the Wombles.
58
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:42,656
How can you call yourselves Four
Star? You have got to be joking.
59
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:45,566
Poor-quality bed linen.
No safe in the rooms.
60
00:04:45,576 --> 00:04:48,636
Wire hangers in the wardrobe.
I'm sorry about the hangers.
61
00:04:48,646 --> 00:04:52,556
We used to have solid-gold ones,
but people kept stealing them(!)
62
00:04:52,566 --> 00:04:56,486
I am NOT staying here. No way. It's
all right, baby. I'm all over it.
63
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:58,586
When we booked this hotel -
64
00:04:58,596 --> 00:05:00,596
There's no wi-fi.
65
00:05:01,526 --> 00:05:03,506
What?
Is this true?
66
00:05:03,516 --> 00:05:06,486
Is what true?
You've got no wi-fi?
67
00:05:06,496 --> 00:05:09,546
I can assure you
we have full Internet facilities.
68
00:05:09,556 --> 00:05:12,476
In our newly refurbished
business centre.
69
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:15,466
And where is that?
It's that desk over there.
70
00:05:23,436 --> 00:05:27,536
You're not Winup/238
underscore 6A, are you?
71
00:05:27,546 --> 00:05:29,546
I'm sorry, is he speaking English?
72
00:05:29,556 --> 00:05:34,626
Is your wi-fi's name Winup/238
underscore - Extintor? Extintor?
73
00:05:34,636 --> 00:05:38,506
Oh, Mateo. Would you have a minute
to look after Mr and Mrs Dyer?
74
00:05:38,516 --> 00:05:40,536
Extintor!
What?
75
00:05:40,546 --> 00:05:41,626
Extintor?
76
00:05:42,506 --> 00:05:46,646
What have I told you before, Mateo?
You really must make an effort with the language.
77
00:05:46,656 --> 00:05:49,436
Fire. We need to stop the fire.
78
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:52,436
I must apologise
on behalf of my colleague.
79
00:05:52,446 --> 00:05:54,496
The Mediterranean temperament
can be -
80
00:05:54,506 --> 00:05:55,506
(ALARM BELL)
81
00:05:55,516 --> 00:05:58,556
What? What fire?
What are you talking about?
82
00:05:59,606 --> 00:06:01,626
It's all right! I've found one!
83
00:06:01,636 --> 00:06:03,636
What's going on? Where's...?
84
00:06:05,446 --> 00:06:07,446
Where's the fire?
85
00:06:10,416 --> 00:06:12,606
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Put it out! Put it out!
86
00:06:13,586 --> 00:06:16,416
What on earth's been going on?
87
00:06:16,586 --> 00:06:17,636
(SHRIEKS)
88
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,616
That's one of our towels!
89
00:06:20,626 --> 00:06:22,526
(COUGHS)
90
00:06:24,646 --> 00:06:27,466
Have I missed breakfast?
91
00:06:39,496 --> 00:06:41,566
And you say you packed this bag
yourself?
92
00:06:41,576 --> 00:06:44,596
Yes, sir. I did, sir. I'm sorry
it's a bit of a mess, sir.
93
00:06:44,606 --> 00:06:47,516
"Yes, sir. No, sir.
Three bags full, sir."
94
00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:56,446
Oh. Sorry, it was a present.
95
00:06:58,536 --> 00:07:01,626
Has anyone interfered with
this old, brown leather bag?
96
00:07:01,636 --> 00:07:04,486
No, she's been a widow for years.
97
00:07:04,656 --> 00:07:08,436
Sorry.
Sorry, I couldn't resist that one.
98
00:07:08,446 --> 00:07:09,476
Sorry.
99
00:07:10,436 --> 00:07:11,466
Sorry.
100
00:07:11,606 --> 00:07:15,496
Look, I'm not being funny,
but is this gonna take much longer?
101
00:07:15,506 --> 00:07:18,586
If we miss our coach transfer,
it'll cost a fortune in a taxi.
102
00:07:18,596 --> 00:07:21,436
It will take as long as it takes.
103
00:07:22,446 --> 00:07:25,426
We're a family
going on holiday to Benidorm.
104
00:07:25,436 --> 00:07:27,616
We're not exactly
international drug-runners.
105
00:07:40,258 --> 00:07:43,428
And you can't remember anything?
Not really.
106
00:07:44,188 --> 00:07:49,228
I remember waking up on the sunbed
and seeing Jesus, but after that it's all a blur.
107
00:07:49,238 --> 00:07:51,238
You saw Jesus?
108
00:07:51,428 --> 00:07:55,388
Did he...come to you in a dream?
No, he was cleaning the floors.
109
00:07:55,398 --> 00:07:59,238
You had a vision
of Jesus cleaning the floors?
110
00:07:59,248 --> 00:08:01,278
I wouldn't exactly call him
a vision.
111
00:08:01,288 --> 00:08:04,218
But I wouldn't kick him out of bed
if he crawled in.
112
00:08:04,228 --> 00:08:07,368
Kenneth didn't see Jesus
from the Bible. He saw THIS Jesus.
113
00:08:07,378 --> 00:08:09,378
From the maintenance block.
114
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,388
His name is "Hersoos".
115
00:08:11,398 --> 00:08:15,378
Then why's he got "Jesus"
on his name badge? Good question. Thank you.
116
00:08:15,388 --> 00:08:20,248
His name we spell this way,
but we do not say "Jesus". We say "Hersoos".
117
00:08:20,258 --> 00:08:24,228
Well, doesn't look as though
he's going to be much use to us at the moment.
118
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:27,368
Tell him to get to hospital, get
the all-clear and get back to work.
119
00:08:27,378 --> 00:08:31,368
I'll take him. No.
You've got work to do. I've got any appointments till 11.
120
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:35,428
What if you get a walk-in?
I thought maybe you could do some work this month.
121
00:08:36,188 --> 00:08:40,358
I beg your pardon! Who d'you think
you're talking to? Just saying. Ladies, please!
122
00:08:40,368 --> 00:08:43,238
He says he's OK
to go to the hospital himself.
123
00:08:43,248 --> 00:08:45,288
His sister, she's a nurse there.
Fine.
124
00:08:45,298 --> 00:08:48,248
Mateo, tell Jesus
to go and get his head examined.
125
00:08:48,258 --> 00:08:51,358
And get that floor-cleaner
fished out of the pool ASAP.
126
00:08:51,368 --> 00:08:56,278
Kenneth, would you be so kind
as to open your maison de sante?
127
00:08:56,288 --> 00:08:59,428
You what?
Go and open your shop! Oh, right.
128
00:09:00,188 --> 00:09:03,278
You said wait at Reception.
That was half an hour ago.
129
00:09:03,288 --> 00:09:05,238
Come on, you!
130
00:09:06,288 --> 00:09:10,268
If you'd like to take a seat,
Mr and Mrs Dyke, Master Dyke,
131
00:09:10,278 --> 00:09:13,228
I'll get complimentary cocktails
sent over.
132
00:09:13,238 --> 00:09:15,238
And I'll be back to offer you
133
00:09:15,248 --> 00:09:20,208
an extremely attractive compensation
package for your burnt towel.
134
00:09:20,218 --> 00:09:21,408
Good morning.
135
00:09:21,418 --> 00:09:24,348
Hello.
Donald and Jacqueline Stewart.
136
00:09:24,358 --> 00:09:29,318
From last year. Oh. Yes. How could
I forget? Nice to see you back.
137
00:09:29,328 --> 00:09:33,298
We tried to check in,
but they didn't know anything about our booking.
138
00:09:33,308 --> 00:09:35,308
This place is a joke.
139
00:09:35,318 --> 00:09:39,238
We're on the free holiday
that you gave us last year.
140
00:09:39,248 --> 00:09:41,238
For spying on your staff.
141
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,428
Would you like to take a seat? We're
having complimentary cocktails.
142
00:09:45,188 --> 00:09:47,348
I thought
it was all-inclusive anyway.
143
00:09:47,358 --> 00:09:51,388
And I'll be back with you all
in two shakes of a duck's tail.
144
00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:55,208
Donald Stewart.
145
00:09:55,218 --> 00:09:57,318
This is the wife Jacqueline.
146
00:09:57,328 --> 00:09:58,378
Hola.
147
00:09:58,388 --> 00:10:01,298
I'm Clive. My wife Tonya.
148
00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:03,278
And our son Tiger.
149
00:10:03,288 --> 00:10:07,418
Good to know you. Would that be
a Cockney accent I detect?
150
00:10:07,428 --> 00:10:10,338
Donald's very good at accents.
151
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:14,378
He once played Hitler
in Goebbels, The Musical.
152
00:10:14,388 --> 00:10:19,358
People in the bar after
couldn't believe you weren't German, could they?
153
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,368
I do have an ear.
154
00:10:21,378 --> 00:10:24,238
We're North London, originally.
155
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,218
Now in Watford.
Well, practically St Albans.
156
00:10:27,228 --> 00:10:30,388
Ah. Watford. We know it well,
don't we, Jacqueline?
157
00:10:30,398 --> 00:10:32,348
Oh, yes!
158
00:10:32,358 --> 00:10:37,278
A retired male-stripper friend of
ours, Maurice "The Meat" Henderson,
159
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,338
is chairman of the WSA.
160
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:42,228
Watford Swingers' Association.
161
00:10:42,388 --> 00:10:47,268
Now, a little dickybird
tells me it's cocktail hour. What can I get yous?
162
00:10:47,278 --> 00:10:49,328
Sex On The Beach, anyone?
163
00:10:49,338 --> 00:10:50,418
(CHUCKLES)
164
00:10:54,188 --> 00:10:58,228
How many times d'you have to be
told? She told you what they were!
165
00:10:58,238 --> 00:11:00,228
They're tanning pills!
166
00:11:00,238 --> 00:11:03,398
We will, of course, be making tests
on the drugs you brought into Spain.
167
00:11:03,408 --> 00:11:08,278
They're not drugs! Stop calling
them drugs! Course they're drugs. Brilliant(!)
168
00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:10,388
Why not make me a noose,
put it round me neck
169
00:11:10,398 --> 00:11:14,228
and your mother can kick away
the chair? Don't be so dramatic.
170
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:19,248
Dramatic? Your mother's put a sack
of unidentified white pills in a bag to bring to Spain.
171
00:11:19,258 --> 00:11:22,428
How dramatic d'you want it to get?
It wasn't a sack. It was a bag.
172
00:11:23,188 --> 00:11:28,248
Perhaps we are to believe
there is such a thing as tablets to make your skin brown.
173
00:11:28,258 --> 00:11:32,358
Why are you bringing them to Spain?
Sitting in our sun is not good enough for you?
174
00:11:32,368 --> 00:11:35,358
She's mentally deranged.
There's no need for that.
175
00:11:35,368 --> 00:11:40,358
Look at the colour of her!
You could sit in the sun all year and never end up like that!
176
00:11:40,368 --> 00:11:44,348
Is there any chance we could go now
and promise to come back tomorrow,
177
00:11:44,358 --> 00:11:47,408
when you've had a chance to look
at the tablets? Of course.
178
00:11:47,418 --> 00:11:52,338
Passport Control procedure means
we usually let all people carrying unidentified drugs
179
00:11:52,348 --> 00:11:56,378
carry on with their journey
and pop back at a time more convenient to them(!)
180
00:11:56,388 --> 00:11:59,278
Oh, brilliant. Thank you, love.
181
00:12:00,188 --> 00:12:01,418
Sit down!
182
00:12:05,238 --> 00:12:07,328
There is no reason
to hold all of you.
183
00:12:07,338 --> 00:12:10,238
Just the person
who was carrying the drugs.
184
00:12:10,248 --> 00:12:13,298
Right. Now, Madge,
I don't want you to worry.
185
00:12:13,308 --> 00:12:18,278
I'll get Janice and Michael
settled in, then I'll come back and see how you're getting on.
186
00:12:18,288 --> 00:12:21,368
We're not leaving me mother here.
You.
187
00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:24,258
The drugs were found in YOUR bag.
188
00:12:24,268 --> 00:12:27,428
Piss off! That was HER bag! How come
you were carrying it, then?
189
00:12:28,188 --> 00:12:30,298
I'm being framed
by me own mother-in-law.
190
00:12:30,308 --> 00:12:33,188
I can't stay here on me own!
191
00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:35,288
I'm nearly 70 years old.
192
00:12:35,298 --> 00:12:38,368
Well, if you're nearly 70,
that makes me about 28.
193
00:12:38,378 --> 00:12:42,238
It seems pointless us all sitting
here. This could take all day.
194
00:12:42,248 --> 00:12:46,408
Are you seriously telling me
you're all just gonna piss off and leave me here?
195
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:59,188
I hope you're not leaving
those towels there. I'm sorry?
196
00:12:59,198 --> 00:13:03,348
I'm just saying, we left
our towels out here this morning and they set fire to them.
197
00:13:03,358 --> 00:13:07,218
Well, they do warn you not to
put them out before nine o'clock.
198
00:13:07,228 --> 00:13:10,288
Right. And have you seen
the state of those rooms?
199
00:13:10,298 --> 00:13:12,308
Yeah. We come every year.
200
00:13:12,318 --> 00:13:14,318
You come every year?
(LAUGHS)
201
00:13:14,328 --> 00:13:19,268
Oh! What was that for?
Don't be so rude. You started it. This place is a shit-tip.
202
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:23,338
Will you stop doing that?
Just show some consideration.
203
00:13:23,348 --> 00:13:28,188
Some people can't afford
a proper holiday. I didn't think that included us.
204
00:13:28,338 --> 00:13:31,388
I'm Tonya. My son...Tiger.
205
00:13:31,398 --> 00:13:33,408
Oh, hiya. I'm Janice.
206
00:13:33,418 --> 00:13:36,398
You're not stopping, then?
No.
207
00:13:36,408 --> 00:13:39,418
We booked this hotel
thinking it was a four-star.
208
00:13:39,428 --> 00:13:42,318
I suppose it's a godsend
if you're on a budget,
209
00:13:42,328 --> 00:13:44,428
but it's not really for us.
210
00:13:45,188 --> 00:13:47,188
We've been coming for years.
211
00:13:50,238 --> 00:13:53,228
So...is your husband unpacking?
212
00:13:53,238 --> 00:13:54,418
No. No. Er...
213
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,328
We had a few problems
with the luggage.
214
00:13:57,338 --> 00:14:00,208
I best ring him,
find out how he's getting on.
215
00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:03,208
First your husband gets arrested
on drugs charges.
216
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:06,198
Then, just when you think
things can't get any worse,
217
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:10,188
they put the price of
mobility scooters up by ten euros.
218
00:14:10,198 --> 00:14:12,308
That's 50 euros a week
they're wanting.
219
00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:15,238
Thieving, twisting Spanish bastards.
220
00:14:15,248 --> 00:14:16,388
The bloke was English.
221
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:20,218
Mother, for God's sake,
just sit down. How can I sit down?
222
00:14:20,228 --> 00:14:22,298
I'm not settled without a scooter.
223
00:14:22,308 --> 00:14:24,318
50 euros a week.
224
00:14:24,328 --> 00:14:28,348
My Mel will be spinning in his
grave. He'd have been raking it in.
225
00:14:28,358 --> 00:14:33,328
Your old man on a drugs charge?
Respec'. Don't be so bleeding rude!
226
00:14:33,338 --> 00:14:37,418
He's not been charged with anything.
It's just been a bit of a mix-up.
227
00:14:37,428 --> 00:14:41,258
Got caught bringing tanning pills
through Customs.
228
00:14:41,268 --> 00:14:44,188
Fuss about nothing.
It'll all blow over.
229
00:14:44,198 --> 00:14:47,258
What kind are they?
I'm a beauty therapist.
230
00:14:47,268 --> 00:14:49,338
Oh. Frigged if I know.
231
00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:51,398
Got them at a car-boot sale
in Eccles.
232
00:14:53,218 --> 00:14:55,288
Oh. Right. We ready for the off?
233
00:14:55,298 --> 00:14:57,218
No. Erm...
234
00:14:57,228 --> 00:14:58,428
We're staying.
235
00:14:59,188 --> 00:15:01,298
What?
No way! Absolutely no way!
236
00:15:01,308 --> 00:15:06,338
Don't make a scene, Tonya.
"Don't make a scene"? I wouldn't kennel my dog in this place.
237
00:15:06,348 --> 00:15:09,218
You haven't got a dog.
You know what I mean.
238
00:15:09,228 --> 00:15:14,248
If you think for one minute
I am unpacking our cases in that glorified toilet of a hotel room -
239
00:15:14,258 --> 00:15:16,338
Tonya!
(ECHOES)
240
00:15:17,298 --> 00:15:19,318
Be a sweetheart, Tonya.
241
00:15:19,328 --> 00:15:22,328
Go upstairs, unpack the bags
242
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:26,408
and come down in a slightly more
positive frame of mind.
243
00:15:26,418 --> 00:15:29,208
Don't try to embarrass me, Clive.
244
00:15:29,218 --> 00:15:33,408
At the end of the day,
you are just an extremely short man with a very small penis.
245
00:15:39,388 --> 00:15:42,308
Right. Time to cool off, I think.
246
00:15:44,368 --> 00:15:47,368
Tiger...
go and get your father a paper.
247
00:15:47,378 --> 00:15:51,218
I don't know where the shops are.
I'll show you, if you want.
248
00:15:51,228 --> 00:15:52,328
Sweet.
249
00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:55,358
I'm Tiger.
Michael.
250
00:15:55,368 --> 00:15:57,208
Oi!
251
00:15:57,218 --> 00:15:58,388
Come here!
252
00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:02,278
Get your nana a scooter
and come straight back.
253
00:16:02,288 --> 00:16:05,238
All right. I think you're mad,
paying them prices.
254
00:16:05,248 --> 00:16:07,198
You're welcome(!)
255
00:16:10,258 --> 00:16:14,388
There's no answer from Mick. We need
to get back on that bus to Alicante.
256
00:16:14,398 --> 00:16:19,398
Frig that. You go.
I'm staying here to watch round two with Charles and Diana.
257
00:16:26,348 --> 00:16:31,208
I'm sorry, there's absolutely no
record of this booking whatsoever.
258
00:16:31,218 --> 00:16:33,218
But you must remember.
259
00:16:33,228 --> 00:16:36,348
Last year, you had us running about
like Batman and Robin.
260
00:16:36,358 --> 00:16:38,358
More like Laurel and Hardy.
261
00:16:38,368 --> 00:16:42,328
You booked us in on our free holiday
on our last day.
262
00:16:42,338 --> 00:16:44,358
We stood here while you did it.
263
00:16:44,368 --> 00:16:46,368
I do remember you helping out,
264
00:16:46,378 --> 00:16:50,408
but I have absolutely
no recollection of offering you a free holiday.
265
00:16:50,418 --> 00:16:53,208
Do you have any paperwork?
No!
266
00:16:53,218 --> 00:16:55,258
You didn't give us any.
267
00:16:55,268 --> 00:17:00,288
I'm awfully sorry,
but with no booking confirmation there's not much we can do to help.
268
00:17:00,298 --> 00:17:06,188
If you'd like to make a booking,
I'm sure Mateo here could squeeze you and your wife in somewhere.
269
00:17:08,198 --> 00:17:10,198
Any problems, just throw them out.
270
00:17:10,208 --> 00:17:13,388
We have to eradicate this riff-raff
element we've been attracting.
271
00:17:13,398 --> 00:17:17,418
I think I do remember you saying
you were going to give them a free holiday.
272
00:17:17,428 --> 00:17:21,358
I know, but I've just had to give
80% discount to the Dykes.
273
00:17:21,368 --> 00:17:25,228
We have dykes coming here?
Mr and Mrs Dyke.
274
00:17:25,238 --> 00:17:28,428
The husband's threatening to sue us
for setting fire to his property.
275
00:17:29,188 --> 00:17:32,298
So, what should I do when Laurel and
Hardy refuse to pay? Ooh...
276
00:17:32,308 --> 00:17:36,218
Just send them on...
? The trail of the lonesome pine ?
277
00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:39,328
Just get rid of them.
278
00:17:45,428 --> 00:17:48,248
Open up! I know you're in there!
279
00:17:48,258 --> 00:17:51,298
It's already lunch time.
When are you planning to open?
280
00:17:51,388 --> 00:17:57,248
Thank you for visiting Blow & Go,
hair and beauty emporium. Do you have an appointment? Where is he?
281
00:17:57,258 --> 00:18:02,378
If you are referring to Kenneth,
Benidorm Entrepreneur of the Year 2009, I'm afraid he's indisposed.
282
00:18:02,388 --> 00:18:06,288
Kindly inform Mr Du Beke that I am
getting in touch with Head Office
283
00:18:06,298 --> 00:18:11,408
and starting the process of having
Blow & Go removed from the Solana! You can't! He's paid his rent!
284
00:18:11,418 --> 00:18:17,338
The place is never open!
We have a very discreet clientele. They prefer the closed-door policy.
285
00:18:17,348 --> 00:18:22,278
You haven't got
ANY clientele because Benidorm's Entrepreneur of the Year
286
00:18:22,288 --> 00:18:26,398
spends his time
pissed in Jumping Jack's next door, singing Lady Gaga!
287
00:18:26,408 --> 00:18:31,318
I'm sorry, I have to go now.
I have a nasal-hair-wax heater threatening to overboil!
288
00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:37,378
And don't come sniffing around me
for a job when I close him down!
289
00:18:41,238 --> 00:18:43,208
Oh, thanks, love.
290
00:18:43,328 --> 00:18:47,348
We can't keep going on
like this, you know. She's right - we're never open.
291
00:18:47,358 --> 00:18:50,218
Well, I've just had
a lot on me mind recently.
292
00:18:50,228 --> 00:18:53,258
It's more than that. I can tell.
293
00:19:00,218 --> 00:19:02,318
"Contact me ASAP."
294
00:19:02,328 --> 00:19:04,338
"We need to speak."
295
00:19:05,258 --> 00:19:07,328
"There's no use ignoring me."
296
00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:11,258
"You can't run forever, Kenneth."
297
00:19:11,268 --> 00:19:15,418
All signed "H".
What's going on? Well, he's right. I can't avoid him forever.
298
00:19:15,428 --> 00:19:19,238
You can run in this town,
but you can't hide. Who's H?
299
00:19:19,248 --> 00:19:22,278
An enemy? A relative? An ex-lover?
300
00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:26,288
No, he's none of those things.
H stands for Herbert.
301
00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:29,358
Oh...I suppose I should be happy
I got this far.
302
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:31,198
Kenneth...
303
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,348
..who is Herbert?
304
00:19:36,188 --> 00:19:38,218
He's the head of the Hafia.
305
00:19:38,228 --> 00:19:41,368
What's the Hafia? Is it
some kind of Spanish income tax?
306
00:19:41,378 --> 00:19:44,208
No. It's worse than that.
307
00:19:44,338 --> 00:19:46,428
It's the hairdressing mafia.
308
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:55,250
It's dead lucky you've got a car.
Thanks for this. It's not a problem.
309
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,290
Us Brits have to stick together.
310
00:19:57,300 --> 00:20:00,330
Your wife Tanya said you weren't
stopping at the Solana.
311
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:03,170
Did you have a change of plan?
Tonya.
312
00:20:03,180 --> 00:20:04,250
Sorry?
313
00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:07,350
It's Tonya. Don't call her Tanya.
She'll hit the roof.
314
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,200
Oh. Right.
315
00:20:09,210 --> 00:20:11,240
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you,
Janice.
316
00:20:11,250 --> 00:20:13,270
My wife is a very unstable woman.
317
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:17,350
Last year
she found out that one of the people on my golfing holiday was a woman.
318
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,200
You know what she did?
No.
319
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:23,370
She urinated in my coffee
every day for a week.
320
00:20:23,380 --> 00:20:26,180
Bloody 'ell.
Oh, yeah.
321
00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:28,250
Mentally unstable.
322
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:31,230
Couldn't you tell
she'd weed in your coffee?
323
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:35,180
I couldn't, as it goes.
I take my coffee very strong.
324
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:38,290
As opposed to piss-weak.
325
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:43,200
You'll let me give you
some petrol money, won't you? I wouldn't dream of it.
326
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:47,220
So, these drugs - are you positive
that they're just tanning pills?
327
00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:50,300
They must be. They only cost 20 quid
at a car-boot sale.
328
00:20:50,310 --> 00:20:55,340
Oh, he'll be fine.
The only thing you've got to worry about is if he's got previous.
329
00:20:55,350 --> 00:21:00,230
Previous what?
Previous record. Criminal record.
330
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,210
They don't take any crap here.
331
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:09,380
If he's been in trouble
with the police before,
332
00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:14,260
he'll be back on a plane to the UK
quicker than you can say "Je ne regrette rien."
333
00:21:16,330 --> 00:21:21,320
? EDITH PIAF: No, rien de rien
334
00:21:22,220 --> 00:21:26,310
? Non, je ne regrette rien
335
00:21:27,230 --> 00:21:30,200
? Ni le bien
336
00:21:30,210 --> 00:21:32,150
? Qu'on m'a fait... ?
337
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,310
I tell him to stop
but he will not listen.
338
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,160
Look.
339
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,270
You can't do this here!
340
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,250
Look, whatever you do
in the privacy of your own room
341
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,360
is nobody's business but your own,
but you can't do this here.
342
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:50,290
But that's just it.
We don't HAVE a room, thanks to you reneging on your word.
343
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:54,230
If this is a protest, then why are
you both not chained to the sunbeds?
344
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,180
We didn't have enough chain.
345
00:21:56,190 --> 00:22:00,320
Anyway, somebody
has to be able to nip to the shops for water and suchlike.
346
00:22:00,330 --> 00:22:04,280
I'm afraid personal food and drink
cannot be consumed on the premises.
347
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:09,280
Fine. Then you've
just turned a peaceful demonstration into a hunger strike.
348
00:22:09,290 --> 00:22:11,340
For God's sake!
349
00:22:11,350 --> 00:22:15,220
Jacqueline, I'm just going
to pop up to the Mad Monk
350
00:22:15,230 --> 00:22:17,340
for a spot of brunch.
Will you be OK?
351
00:22:17,350 --> 00:22:20,380
Oh, yeah.
All right! Stop it.
352
00:22:20,390 --> 00:22:24,340
Mateo,
give Mr and Mrs Stewart room 212.
353
00:22:26,170 --> 00:22:27,320
Come on.
354
00:22:27,330 --> 00:22:31,150
What's wrong with you? I've just
said you could have a room.
355
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:35,340
Mr Stewart, kindly unchain your wife
from my sunbeds.
356
00:22:35,350 --> 00:22:37,230
I can't.
357
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:39,380
What d'you mean, you can't?
358
00:22:39,390 --> 00:22:43,280
I'm afraid I didn't expect you
to cave in so easily
359
00:22:43,290 --> 00:22:46,150
and I... I swallowed the key.
360
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,210
You did what?
Mm.
361
00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:50,260
Why did you do this, you crazy man?
362
00:22:50,270 --> 00:22:52,330
What is wrong with you people?
363
00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:54,340
I'll be back in about an hour.
364
00:22:54,350 --> 00:22:59,350
I do believe the Mad Monk
do a very acceptable veg curry.
365
00:23:00,230 --> 00:23:02,230
Fingers crossed.
366
00:23:05,250 --> 00:23:08,390
Are you OK?
Ohh...yes!
367
00:23:20,270 --> 00:23:24,320
That man over there's got his wife
chained to a pile of sunbeds.
368
00:23:24,330 --> 00:23:27,280
Doesn't surprise me.
They're well known for it.
369
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,190
What d'you mean?
Perverts.
370
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:34,240
She'll be naked, hanging upside-down
from the pool bar come five o'clock.
371
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:39,290
Dear God. We met them upstairs.
They certainly seem the type.
372
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:44,240
Apparently,
last year one of them was found roaming the streets at midday
373
00:23:44,250 --> 00:23:48,290
dressed as a naughty nurse
in stockings and suspenders.
374
00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:50,240
That's not appropriate.
375
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,200
Not during the day.
No.
376
00:23:53,210 --> 00:23:56,350
And it wasn't the one
chained to the sunbeds, either.
377
00:23:58,190 --> 00:23:59,270
Oh...!
378
00:24:06,370 --> 00:24:10,200
You haven't seen my husband
or my son at all, have you?
379
00:24:10,210 --> 00:24:11,250
Uh?
380
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,320
? MOTORHEAD: Ace Of Spades
381
00:24:20,390 --> 00:24:23,330
Hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo hoo!
382
00:24:25,250 --> 00:24:28,340
? If you like to gamble
I tell you I'm your man
383
00:24:28,350 --> 00:24:32,280
? You win some, lose some
It's all the same to me ?
384
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,150
(LAUGH)
Knobheads!
385
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:43,220
Time for another drink, I think.
No. I better get the scooter back to me nana. She'll go mental.
386
00:24:43,230 --> 00:24:48,230
Wait a minute. Didn't I just
batter the price down to 45 euros for the week for this thing?
387
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:52,390
You nearly battered the BLOKE.
A bit of gentle persuasion never hurts.
388
00:24:53,150 --> 00:24:57,220
And the false ID
that I gave him means you could sell it at the end of the week.
389
00:24:57,230 --> 00:24:59,180
Win-win!
390
00:24:59,190 --> 00:25:01,310
Come on, bruv. Your round.
391
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,160
? It's all a game to me ?
392
00:25:06,390 --> 00:25:09,390
? I hear babies cry
393
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,320
? I watch them grow
394
00:25:14,190 --> 00:25:16,280
? They'll learn much more
395
00:25:16,290 --> 00:25:19,240
? Than I'll ever know
396
00:25:19,250 --> 00:25:22,160
? And I think to myself
397
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:27,210
? What a wonderful world
398
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:35,340
? Yeah, yeah, I think to myself
399
00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:40,240
? What a wonderful
400
00:25:41,180 --> 00:25:44,390
? World
401
00:25:45,150 --> 00:25:49,180
? Oh, yeah ?
402
00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:56,260
Thank you very much.
Now, if you don't mind, Lorraine, a bit of Tommy Steele, love.
403
00:25:56,270 --> 00:25:59,180
I need a word!
Bugger off. I'm singing.
404
00:26:00,290 --> 00:26:04,350
? Once upon a... ? Me dad's set up a
meeting with Herbert for you! What?
405
00:26:08,220 --> 00:26:12,230
What you doing to me?
Listen. Listen. I mentioned Herbert to me dad
406
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,330
and, well... well, he knows him.
Don't you?
407
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:20,200
Well, I...don't exactly know HIM,
but I know a fella who knows a fella
408
00:26:20,210 --> 00:26:24,320
who...knows a fella.
If you see what I mean. No! I know a fella who knows a fella
409
00:26:24,330 --> 00:26:27,360
who knows Shirley Bassey
but I'm not meeting up with her.
410
00:26:27,370 --> 00:26:30,220
Oh, I'd love to meet Shirley Bassey.
411
00:26:30,230 --> 00:26:35,190
Look, man, this is the head of the
hairdressing mafia. You're messing with the big boys now.
412
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,180
What's it got to do with you?
I'm just trying to help.
413
00:26:38,190 --> 00:26:41,350
If Herbert wants to see you,
there's no point avoiding him.
414
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:44,310
I knew a stylist in Finistrad
415
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,180
who started undercutting
Herbert's prices.
416
00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:51,310
He was found floating
face-down in his swimming pool with a stomachful of shampoo.
417
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,220
Oh, my God.
418
00:26:53,230 --> 00:26:55,270
Well, they THOUGHT it was shampoo.
419
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:59,360
The meeting's tonight. We're going
with you. Everything's gonna be OK.
420
00:26:59,370 --> 00:27:01,370
(MAN CATERWAULING)
421
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,340
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
422
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:14,230
Thank you.
423
00:27:15,340 --> 00:27:17,360
Can I just see him for two minutes?
424
00:27:17,370 --> 00:27:21,190
You cannot go to the other
side of the airport without a ticket
425
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:25,290
and we cannot release
your husband until a test has been done on the pills.
426
00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:27,250
Well, when can you do the test?
427
00:27:27,260 --> 00:27:30,370
I understand your concern
and you have my personal guarantee
428
00:27:30,380 --> 00:27:33,370
it will be done by Tuesday
at the latest. Tuesday?!
429
00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:38,170
It's Thursday now! I can't even
ring him cos his battery's flat.
430
00:27:38,180 --> 00:27:39,190
Jan?
431
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,390
You can call the leaflet on this
number at any time for an update.
432
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,170
Janice!
433
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,310
Janice, I'm here!
434
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:55,380
Don't cry. We'll come back tomorrow.
435
00:27:55,390 --> 00:27:57,170
Jan!
436
00:28:01,300 --> 00:28:05,170
All right, pal. Just one second.
Jan! Jani...
437
00:28:10,180 --> 00:28:12,380
? Hey ho, skip to the loo
438
00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:15,310
? Hey ho, skip to the loo
439
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,260
? Hey ho, skip to the loo
440
00:28:18,270 --> 00:28:21,300
? Skip to the loo, my darl- ?
(PHONE RINGS) Ooh.
441
00:28:25,290 --> 00:28:27,290
Hello, love.
442
00:28:27,300 --> 00:28:30,180
Ah, I'm fine.
443
00:28:30,300 --> 00:28:32,300
How's it going?
444
00:28:32,310 --> 00:28:36,270
Oh. No worries. Just keep eating.
445
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,190
All right.
446
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,200
See you later. Bye.
447
00:28:40,390 --> 00:28:43,360
? Swallowed the key
Now what can he do?
448
00:28:43,370 --> 00:28:46,340
? Swallowed the key
Now what can he do?
449
00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:49,310
? Swallowed the key
Now what can he do?
450
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,270
? Skip to the loo, my darling ?
451
00:28:56,210 --> 00:29:00,290
How many times, Clive?
I do not know where Tiger is.
452
00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:05,150
What did his text say?
The same one-word reply he always says - "Chill."
453
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,200
I'll chill HIM
when I get hold of him.
454
00:29:07,210 --> 00:29:11,300
Have you tried calling him?
Of course I did! What kind of idiot d'you think I am?
455
00:29:11,310 --> 00:29:14,360
The ear-shattering,
screaming-moron kind. What?
456
00:29:14,370 --> 00:29:16,180
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
457
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:23,180
Hiya. I just wondered
if you'd heard anything from me son.
458
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:28,150
Er, yeah, we just had a text
from Tiger. He said they're fine.
459
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,390
He said that Mitchell was showing
him round Benidorm. Michael.
460
00:29:32,150 --> 00:29:37,150
Er, Michael. Yeah, he said that he'd
meet us down in the hotel bar later.
461
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:39,390
Which one? Neptune's?
Neptune's. That was it.
462
00:29:40,150 --> 00:29:44,220
OK. Me and me mother
will go down there, then. Great. See you there, then.
463
00:29:44,230 --> 00:29:46,340
Oh, and Clive, thanks for today.
464
00:29:46,350 --> 00:29:48,240
You were amazing.
465
00:29:48,390 --> 00:29:50,390
Yeah. See you later.
466
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,200
What did you say that for?
467
00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:56,210
Eh?
468
00:29:56,220 --> 00:29:59,260
We don't know where they are.
I didn't want her to worry.
469
00:29:59,270 --> 00:30:01,350
You didn't want HER to worry?
What about me?
470
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,340
She's got a lot on her plate,
with her husband locked up.
471
00:30:04,350 --> 00:30:06,300
What was that she said?
What?
472
00:30:06,310 --> 00:30:09,280
What did she say
before you pushed her out the door?
473
00:30:09,290 --> 00:30:11,300
I didn't push her.
I never touched her.
474
00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:14,360
"Thanks for today. You were
amazing." What does that mean?
475
00:30:14,370 --> 00:30:19,360
It means "Thanks for the lift."
It doesn't. "Thanks for the LIFT" means "Thanks for the lift."
476
00:30:19,370 --> 00:30:22,160
Oh, will you shut up
and get dressed?
477
00:30:22,170 --> 00:30:25,220
What d'you mean, "Get dressed"?
I AM dressed!
478
00:30:26,210 --> 00:30:28,340
What is wrong with this dress?
Nothing.
479
00:30:28,350 --> 00:30:31,240
As long as
it's a Vicar and Tarts evening.
480
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:36,300
It's not a clown convention,
either, so you can take that shirt off, for a start.
481
00:30:36,310 --> 00:30:38,330
I'll see you downstairs.
(SIGHS)
482
00:30:40,310 --> 00:30:43,280
Although ten out of ten for effort
on the red nose!
483
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:52,330
Oh...!
484
00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:57,170
? HOT CHOCOLATE:
Where you from, you sexy thing? ?
485
00:30:57,370 --> 00:31:00,310
So...where we going now, then?
486
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:03,200
I thought you said
you wanted to ring your mum.
487
00:31:03,210 --> 00:31:05,220
I'm not that bothered now.
488
00:31:05,390 --> 00:31:07,390
Right. Come on.
489
00:31:11,220 --> 00:31:13,270
I think it's time
to get some souvenirs.
490
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:17,230
We usually get all that crap
on the last day, though. Me nana...
491
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,280
She likes the fridge magnets
in the shape of a flip-flop
492
00:31:20,290 --> 00:31:23,300
and me dad likes them glasses
that, when you put 'em on,
493
00:31:23,310 --> 00:31:26,300
instead of a nose
you've got a massive big plastic -
494
00:31:26,310 --> 00:31:29,280
Come on! We're gonna get
a PROPER souvenir.
495
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:35,320
Wey!
Benido-o-o-orm!
496
00:31:35,330 --> 00:31:40,310
Ha! Wey! Benido-o-o-orm!
Get out the way!
497
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,220
Hey, you!
498
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,190
You do know
there's a fair-use policy?
499
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,380
When we say "all-inclusive",
we mean as much food and drink in a day
500
00:31:50,390 --> 00:31:53,390
as ONE person would normally eat,
not half a dozen.
501
00:31:54,150 --> 00:31:56,180
Another black coffee,
if you please.
502
00:31:56,190 --> 00:32:00,160
Why do you keep eating?
You could just put your fingers down your throat.
503
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:05,230
It would never work. Both Jacqueline
and I have extraordinarily high gag-reflexes.
504
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:07,230
What does this mean?
505
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,320
Believe me, you don't want to know.
I'll order the coffee.
506
00:32:12,270 --> 00:32:17,170
I tell you, for 15 euros
we can hire the machine that can cut through chains.
507
00:32:17,180 --> 00:32:20,370
15 euros to hire a bolt-cutter?
You must be joking.
508
00:32:20,380 --> 00:32:25,220
No wonder your economy's in a state
if you fritter away money like that.
509
00:32:25,390 --> 00:32:28,240
Oh, dear.
What is wrong?
510
00:32:28,250 --> 00:32:32,210
I think it's time
to release the beast.
511
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,300
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The nearest toilet is this way.
512
00:32:37,310 --> 00:32:41,260
It's not a toilet that I need.
This is a highly delicate operation.
513
00:32:41,270 --> 00:32:44,250
I just hope that bath-tub's
got a plug in it.
514
00:32:48,190 --> 00:32:50,210
Not long now, Jacqueline!
515
00:32:50,220 --> 00:32:53,150
Geronimo! Ooh!
516
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:56,340
Yahoo! We've struck oil!
517
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,260
? Panic on the streets of London
518
00:33:02,270 --> 00:33:07,190
I don't believe it.
I've lost me husband and me son all in the space of one night.
519
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,340
Don't be ridiculous.
Your son's out with a mate
520
00:33:10,350 --> 00:33:15,190
and your husband's
in for a better night's sleep than any of us will get tonight.
521
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,190
Sing one we've heard of!
522
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:20,210
There you go.
Thanks, love.
523
00:33:20,220 --> 00:33:25,180
No worries.
Wait for the staff round here and you'll be spitting feathers.
524
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,360
Ooh, The Smiths! I love this song.
525
00:33:28,370 --> 00:33:32,210
? So you run down
To the safety of the town
526
00:33:32,220 --> 00:33:34,160
? But there's panic on the...
527
00:33:34,170 --> 00:33:36,170
Your wife not coming down?
528
00:33:36,340 --> 00:33:40,200
She's on her way. I said
I'd come down and get her a drink.
529
00:33:40,210 --> 00:33:42,310
Ooh, you've had time
to get her half a dozen.
530
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,290
You had another argument?
531
00:33:46,180 --> 00:33:48,180
No. Not at all.
532
00:33:48,190 --> 00:33:50,280
She'll be doing her make-up.
533
00:33:50,290 --> 00:33:53,190
She likes to be well turned out.
534
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,360
She's a beauty therapist.
Ooh.
535
00:33:56,290 --> 00:33:58,380
Never know it to look at her.
Mother!
536
00:33:58,390 --> 00:34:01,340
? Burn down the disco
537
00:34:02,300 --> 00:34:05,230
? Hang the blessed DJ
538
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,320
? Because the music
That they constantly play
539
00:34:08,330 --> 00:34:12,310
? Says nothing to me about my life
540
00:34:13,300 --> 00:34:16,230
? Hang the blessed DJ ?
Right. Here we are.
541
00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:22,170
Oh, haway, man, what you doing?
542
00:34:22,180 --> 00:34:26,280
Knocking on the door.
How else will they know we're here? Just leave this to me.
543
00:34:32,180 --> 00:34:34,380
Oh, man! You're gonna balls this up!
544
00:34:34,390 --> 00:34:37,230
Just leave your dad
to do what he needs to do
545
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:41,290
or I'm gonna wake up
tomorrow with a horse's head in me bed, with a permed mane.
546
00:34:44,170 --> 00:34:46,170
(ANSWERING KNOCK)
547
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:53,300
What you looking for? We're standing
right in front of you!
548
00:34:53,310 --> 00:34:56,230
I know you're standing
in front of me. Dickhead.
549
00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:58,290
I can hardly miss ya.
550
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:03,370
We're here to see Herbert.
551
00:35:03,380 --> 00:35:06,360
Sorry, pal.
Nobody called Herbert here.
552
00:35:06,370 --> 00:35:09,310
We got the wrong bloody door.
Shut up, young 'un.
553
00:35:10,230 --> 00:35:12,250
We have a delivery for Herbert.
554
00:35:12,260 --> 00:35:16,330
A delivery of an outstanding order
of damage-repair solution.
555
00:35:16,340 --> 00:35:21,190
Herbert takes
all deliveries at the rear. Yeah, well, I had me suspicions.
556
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:25,380
Take your first left down the bottom
of the street, then left again.
557
00:35:26,330 --> 00:35:29,300
Look for a door marked... Shit!
558
00:35:29,310 --> 00:35:34,180
A door marked "Shit"?
Marked in actual shit or does it say "Shit" in letters?
559
00:35:34,190 --> 00:35:36,160
(POLICE RADIO)
560
00:35:36,170 --> 00:35:38,200
In! Get in! Get in!
561
00:35:41,701 --> 00:35:46,681
? This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
562
00:35:46,691 --> 00:35:51,561
? Take my tears
And that's not nearly all
563
00:35:51,571 --> 00:35:54,571
? Tainted love
? Oh oh-oh-oh oh
564
00:35:54,581 --> 00:35:55,731
? Tainted love
565
00:35:56,671 --> 00:35:58,801
? Now I know
566
00:35:59,561 --> 00:36:01,791
? I've got to run away
567
00:36:02,731 --> 00:36:04,771
You. Come with me.
568
00:36:04,781 --> 00:36:06,731
Yous two, stay here.
569
00:36:06,741 --> 00:36:10,761
Hang on, pal. We come here together.
We'll go in together.
570
00:36:10,771 --> 00:36:14,801
? To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
571
00:36:15,561 --> 00:36:18,571
I don't remember telling you
you could speak.
572
00:36:18,581 --> 00:36:21,591
? But I'm sorry
I'll be all right.
573
00:36:21,601 --> 00:36:23,601
? I don't pray that way
574
00:36:23,771 --> 00:36:26,741
? Once I ran to you
? I ran
575
00:36:26,751 --> 00:36:28,601
? Now I... ?
576
00:36:46,671 --> 00:36:48,671
Kenneth Du Beke.
577
00:36:50,771 --> 00:36:52,731
Go ahead.
578
00:36:52,741 --> 00:36:54,741
You're on your own now, pal.
579
00:37:02,671 --> 00:37:05,771
Welcome back.
Oh, yeah, sorry about all this.
580
00:37:05,781 --> 00:37:08,671
Everything OK now?
Oh, yes.
581
00:37:08,681 --> 00:37:12,771
It was a bit like a round
of It's A Knockout in the end, but all good life experience.
582
00:37:12,781 --> 00:37:17,801
I suppose so. It's not every day
you can say you spent several hours being chained up in the dark.
583
00:37:18,561 --> 00:37:20,771
Well...you say that...
584
00:37:20,781 --> 00:37:25,721
You left very quickly.
Did you suddenly remember where you'd put your spare key?
585
00:37:25,731 --> 00:37:27,641
Not exactly.
586
00:37:27,651 --> 00:37:31,741
Suffice to say, my knight
in shining armour turned up trumps.
587
00:37:31,751 --> 00:37:35,651
I suppose we should be thankful
for small mercies. Mm.
588
00:37:35,661 --> 00:37:37,771
And the brown trousers.
Yes.
589
00:38:07,721 --> 00:38:11,721
I'm... I'm sorry I took me time
to come and see you.
590
00:38:13,591 --> 00:38:16,621
I've not been avoiding you.
I've just been busy.
591
00:38:18,621 --> 00:38:20,621
Not busy in me salon.
592
00:38:20,751 --> 00:38:25,571
I mean er...business has been
fairly quiet, to be honest with you.
593
00:38:25,581 --> 00:38:29,591
I just...
(CREEPY VOICE) Queenie-eye, queenie-eye, who's got the ball?
594
00:38:29,601 --> 00:38:32,791
I haven't got it.
It isn't in me pocket.
595
00:38:35,781 --> 00:38:38,671
Did you ever used to say that rhyme?
596
00:38:39,701 --> 00:38:43,601
Yeah. Me mam used to say it to me
when I was a kid.
597
00:38:44,701 --> 00:38:48,731
Why has it taken you so long to
come and see me? I said I'm sorry.
598
00:38:48,741 --> 00:38:50,761
I just haven't had the time.
Mm.
599
00:38:50,771 --> 00:38:56,661
Look, if it's protection money
you're after, I haven't got a penny. I can barely afford to pay me staff.
600
00:38:56,671 --> 00:39:00,771
Protection money?
Have I asked you for any money?
601
00:39:01,591 --> 00:39:02,591
No.
602
00:39:02,601 --> 00:39:04,691
Have I made any threats towards you?
603
00:39:04,701 --> 00:39:05,701
No.
604
00:39:05,711 --> 00:39:11,571
I just asked you to come and see me,
Kenneth, but you ignored me. That hurt my feelings.
605
00:39:11,581 --> 00:39:13,741
Just tell me what you want!
You're scaring me.
606
00:39:13,751 --> 00:39:16,781
I don't know what there is about me
to be scared of.
607
00:39:17,701 --> 00:39:20,571
Well, there's them gnashers,
for a start.
608
00:39:20,581 --> 00:39:23,691
I used to say that rhyme in
the playground - Who's Got The Ball?
609
00:39:23,701 --> 00:39:27,721
That's where your mother learned it.
Probably. No "probably" about it.
610
00:39:27,731 --> 00:39:31,691
I taught her the rhyme.
What? You knew my mother?
611
00:39:31,701 --> 00:39:33,801
Brenda. Only about 50 years.
612
00:39:34,561 --> 00:39:36,671
We went to school together.
613
00:39:36,681 --> 00:39:40,631
I came to Spain in the early '70s,
but we never lost touch.
614
00:39:41,691 --> 00:39:44,771
When you started your salon
I made a few enquiries about you.
615
00:39:44,781 --> 00:39:48,671
Because, as you know, I like to know
what's going on on my patch.
616
00:39:48,681 --> 00:39:53,611
Why didn't you just
come into me salon instead of sending Jack-the-Ripper notelets?
617
00:39:53,621 --> 00:39:57,581
(ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT)
I'm not exactly Don Corleone.
618
00:39:57,591 --> 00:40:01,641
More like Donny Osmond
with them teeth. Will you shut up about me teeth?
619
00:40:01,651 --> 00:40:05,661
So you remember
who taught you Queenie-Eye, Who's Got The Ball? Yeah.
620
00:40:06,611 --> 00:40:08,611
I told you. It was me mam.
621
00:40:08,621 --> 00:40:10,701
Nobody else?
No.
622
00:40:12,781 --> 00:40:14,761
Oh, 'ang on.
623
00:40:14,771 --> 00:40:18,791
I had an uncle. Well, not an uncle -
he was a mate of me mam's.
624
00:40:19,781 --> 00:40:22,611
Camp as tits, he was.
He was hilarious.
625
00:40:22,621 --> 00:40:26,741
But I haven't seen him
since I was about 11. Oh, God, what was his name? Erm...
626
00:40:26,751 --> 00:40:28,711
Uncle...
627
00:40:28,721 --> 00:40:29,761
Bertie?
628
00:40:30,651 --> 00:40:33,591
Bertie. That's right. Uncle Bert...
629
00:40:35,691 --> 00:40:37,651
Oh, my God.
630
00:40:39,561 --> 00:40:41,571
Herbert.
Mm.
631
00:40:41,751 --> 00:40:43,751
You're Uncle Bertie.
632
00:40:44,711 --> 00:40:47,721
It's been a long time, kid.
Come here.
633
00:40:48,691 --> 00:40:50,571
Oh...
Eh?
634
00:40:50,581 --> 00:40:52,591
Uncle Bertie!
(LAUGHS)
635
00:40:52,731 --> 00:40:56,661
'Ey, look at you. Little Kenny.
Not so little now.
636
00:40:56,671 --> 00:41:00,621
No. I'm not surprised. Your mother
always did keep a very good table.
637
00:41:00,781 --> 00:41:05,581
Is it true that
you own every hairdressing salon between here and Valencia?
638
00:41:05,591 --> 00:41:10,601
(CHUCKLES) We'll talk about that
another time. I've got a bit of business to do now.
639
00:41:10,611 --> 00:41:12,641
Right, can I give you
a lift somewhere?
640
00:41:12,651 --> 00:41:15,601
Yeah, you can take me to the Solana,
if that's OK.
641
00:41:15,611 --> 00:41:18,801
Oh. Mm? But I have got a couple of
mates with me. That's no problem.
642
00:41:19,561 --> 00:41:21,571
Oh, you will stay in touch,
won't you?
643
00:41:21,581 --> 00:41:26,671
I promised your mam I'd keep an
eye on you. You may not see me, but I'll be looking out for you, kid.
644
00:41:26,781 --> 00:41:28,781
A promise is a promise.
645
00:41:31,751 --> 00:41:32,771
Mm?
646
00:41:32,781 --> 00:41:36,571
And you never know - I might be able
to help you, as well.
647
00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:39,651
Oh, yeah? Tell me who did them teeth
and I'll get them for you.
648
00:41:39,661 --> 00:41:41,661
You cheeky bugger.
649
00:41:41,671 --> 00:41:45,791
Right, shift yourself, Queenie-Eye.
Come on, let's be having you.
650
00:41:45,801 --> 00:41:47,691
Mind me 'ead.
651
00:41:47,701 --> 00:41:51,761
(OFF-KEY) ? Ah ah-ah ah
652
00:41:52,791 --> 00:41:57,561
? I guess I'll never know
653
00:41:57,571 --> 00:41:59,611
It's no good,
I'm ringing the police.
654
00:41:59,621 --> 00:42:01,621
He's not THAT bad.
655
00:42:02,591 --> 00:42:04,631
I've heard your Mick do worse.
656
00:42:04,641 --> 00:42:07,701
Not about his singing, you daft sod.
About our Michael.
657
00:42:07,711 --> 00:42:12,611
Oh, stop your mithering. They only
texted about 20 minutes ago.
658
00:42:12,621 --> 00:42:14,771
I know. They keep texting,
but where are they?
659
00:42:14,781 --> 00:42:17,741
? Oh-h-h-h-h ?
660
00:42:22,781 --> 00:42:28,561
That's Clive there, with
The Wonder Of You, and it's a wonder our speakers are still working!
661
00:42:28,571 --> 00:42:30,601
It was i-in the wrong key.
662
00:42:30,611 --> 00:42:32,701
You haven't got
the version I usually do.
663
00:42:32,711 --> 00:42:37,661
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm sure Elvis made a pig's ear of it now and again.
664
00:42:37,671 --> 00:42:43,761
Right, more karaoke later.
But first, the Solana's very own... Asa Elliott!
665
00:42:43,771 --> 00:42:45,711
(CHEERING)
666
00:42:45,721 --> 00:42:47,801
It's a terrible microphone.
667
00:42:48,561 --> 00:42:51,701
You reminded me of Elvis.
Well, that was the idea.
668
00:42:51,711 --> 00:42:54,801
About two minutes
before he slid off the bog.
669
00:42:55,721 --> 00:42:58,731
Tiger won't answer his mobile.
Call him from your phone.
670
00:42:58,741 --> 00:43:04,571
They've texted and said
they're on their way. Seven hours. Seven hours they've been gone.
671
00:43:05,771 --> 00:43:08,781
Oi! What you doing?
That's our dinner!
672
00:43:08,791 --> 00:43:11,721
? A few kisses ago
673
00:43:11,731 --> 00:43:15,691
Get here, you!
He's absolutely pie-eyed.
674
00:43:15,701 --> 00:43:18,721
I told you - like father, like son.
Oh, shut up!
675
00:43:18,731 --> 00:43:23,691
Where've you been?
Michael was showing me around Benidorm. This place is nuts.
676
00:43:23,701 --> 00:43:26,771
We got your scooter, Nana, but...
we crashed it.
677
00:43:26,781 --> 00:43:29,741
It's not far away, though.
It's just...
678
00:43:30,651 --> 00:43:33,651
a couple of streets.
None of this would have happened
679
00:43:33,661 --> 00:43:38,561
if you hadn't bought
those stupid bloody pills with you! Me? You're blaming ME?
680
00:43:38,571 --> 00:43:40,591
What about Clyde and Tanya?
681
00:43:40,601 --> 00:43:44,641
If they'd brought their child up
in a decent manner, it wouldn't have happened.
682
00:43:44,651 --> 00:43:47,661
Tonya! My name...is Tonya!
683
00:43:47,671 --> 00:43:50,701
His name is Clive. My name is Tonya.
684
00:43:51,711 --> 00:43:55,801
What's this shit? Why
can't they put some proper music on? Right, come here, you.
685
00:43:56,561 --> 00:43:59,711
I'm...very sorry. I'm so sorry.
We will replace your sausage.
686
00:43:59,721 --> 00:44:03,741
Get out! Can you hear me
or is there something wrong with your ears, as well?
687
00:44:03,751 --> 00:44:05,761
Shaming all the family! Get out!
688
00:44:06,661 --> 00:44:10,611
Another quiet night at Neptune's(!)
What can I get you to drink?
689
00:44:10,621 --> 00:44:12,741
I'm fine, thanks, kiddo.
I can't stop long.
690
00:44:13,741 --> 00:44:15,741
I'll get word to you.
691
00:44:16,751 --> 00:44:20,621
It's not always this rough in 'ere.
Oh, you've no need to worry.
692
00:44:20,631 --> 00:44:23,681
You've got your Uncle Bertie
keeping an eye on you now.
693
00:44:23,691 --> 00:44:25,751
Oh, Mateo.
Mateo, have you got a minute?
694
00:44:25,761 --> 00:44:27,761
Sure. Is everything OK?
Yeah, yeah.
695
00:44:27,771 --> 00:44:31,771
I just want to
introduce you to somebody. Mateo, this is my Uncle Bert...
696
00:44:33,761 --> 00:44:35,761
Oh, he's...gone.
697
00:44:35,771 --> 00:44:39,711
Maybe they went to the bar.
No. No, no, no. He's gone.
698
00:44:40,721 --> 00:44:42,791
He just likes to keep a low profile.
699
00:44:46,751 --> 00:44:49,681
Where've you been all this time?
Just in Benidorm.
700
00:44:49,691 --> 00:44:53,791
He'll have alcoholic poisoning.
Be lucky if he makes it through to the morning.
701
00:44:53,801 --> 00:44:57,641
I want another drink. Wait until
your father hears about this.
702
00:44:57,651 --> 00:44:59,631
Me dad's in jail.
Come on.
703
00:45:00,601 --> 00:45:02,761
I want to stay here.
Mother, get his other arm.
704
00:45:02,771 --> 00:45:06,651
I'm not going anywhere.
Why should he spoil MY evening?
705
00:45:06,661 --> 00:45:08,631
I love Frank Ifield.
706
00:45:10,581 --> 00:45:11,771
Get up. Come on.
707
00:45:11,781 --> 00:45:14,661
What have you done here? Oh...
708
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:18,621
Oh, my God, you've burnt yourself!
How've you done this?
709
00:45:19,571 --> 00:45:22,591
? Tell them I remember
710
00:45:22,741 --> 00:45:26,621
? Tell them I remember
711
00:45:26,631 --> 00:45:28,661
Oh, my God!
712
00:45:28,671 --> 00:45:30,691
I love Benidorm, me.
713
00:45:30,741 --> 00:45:35,291
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