Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:27,007 --> 00:00:33,580
For subtitling services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
2
00:00:33,581 --> 00:00:35,998
In faith,
I'm going to say something,
3
00:00:35,999 --> 00:00:37,888
I really am going to say something.
4
00:00:37,890 --> 00:00:39,397
SNORTS
5
00:00:39,399 --> 00:00:42,596
There is a tide in the affairs of
men which, taken at the flood,
6
00:00:42,597 --> 00:00:45,596
leads on to fortune, and I am
definitely going to say something.
7
00:00:45,597 --> 00:00:47,596
HACKS
8
00:00:47,597 --> 00:00:48,597
Definitely.
SPITS
9
00:00:48,598 --> 00:00:51,531
Something needs to be said,
and I'm going to say it.
10
00:00:51,532 --> 00:00:55,265
I'm going to take that something
and give it a blooming good say it.
11
00:00:56,597 --> 00:01:01,597
Er, excuse me, I'm... I'm awfully
sorry, but do you mind?
12
00:01:01,598 --> 00:01:04,596
Done it, said it!
Something was said!
13
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,997
The quiet man roars, the sensible
majority found its voice!
14
00:01:07,998 --> 00:01:10,596
I said that something for England!
15
00:01:10,597 --> 00:01:13,596
Of course, you should've said.
Help yourself, my friend.
16
00:01:13,597 --> 00:01:17,597
Er, yes, thank you, very kind.
17
00:01:22,598 --> 00:01:24,596
SNORTS
18
00:01:24,597 --> 00:01:26,596
Colin's my name.
19
00:01:26,597 --> 00:01:28,596
I travel in... in jingly hats.
20
00:01:28,597 --> 00:01:30,864
It's a big time of year for me,
with Christmas coming, you know.
21
00:01:30,865 --> 00:01:32,997
It's very seasonal, my game.
22
00:01:32,998 --> 00:01:35,596
Oh, God, it gets worse -
we've connected.
23
00:01:35,597 --> 00:01:37,350
He thinks
we're having a conversation.
24
00:01:37,352 --> 00:01:38,597
I'm trapped!
25
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,596
The abyss yawns beneath me.
26
00:01:40,597 --> 00:01:42,596
The gates of hell spring open.
27
00:01:42,597 --> 00:01:46,596
My only hope now is if I die of
gastro from the bastable's chop.
28
00:01:46,597 --> 00:01:48,131
What's your game?
29
00:01:48,132 --> 00:01:50,596
I must not tell him
that I'm a playwright,
30
00:01:50,597 --> 00:01:53,596
for then will he regale me
with jingly hat stories,
31
00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:54,864
ever certain that they're hilarious
32
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:57,596
and I could use them
in one of my plays.
33
00:01:57,597 --> 00:01:59,597
Think, think...
34
00:02:01,597 --> 00:02:04,264
I'm a playwright.
35
00:02:04,265 --> 00:02:05,531
A playwright!
36
00:02:05,532 --> 00:02:06,864
Oh, I could tell you a few stories.
37
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:09,597
You will never believe
the hilarious things that happen
38
00:02:09,598 --> 00:02:11,596
in the jingly hat game.
39
00:02:11,597 --> 00:02:13,264
So many funny stories!
40
00:02:13,265 --> 00:02:16,596
I remember one year we were ordering
jingly hats for Christmas,
41
00:02:16,597 --> 00:02:18,399
they only had...
42
00:02:21,132 --> 00:02:22,597
SOLEMNLY: You are sad, my friend.
43
00:02:24,265 --> 00:02:26,864
You mourn your son
44
00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:29,997
and curse whatever God or faith
it was that took him.
45
00:02:29,998 --> 00:02:32,596
What? How?
46
00:02:32,597 --> 00:02:34,730
Your pain has turned to anger,
47
00:02:34,731 --> 00:02:38,398
but only love can heal
a broken heart.
48
00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:40,596
If you know me, stranger,
49
00:02:40,597 --> 00:02:43,264
you must know
that my heart will never heal.
50
00:02:43,265 --> 00:02:47,531
I will tell you a story
to pass the journey.
51
00:02:47,532 --> 00:02:51,596
A timeless tale
for now and every Christmas
52
00:02:51,597 --> 00:02:53,596
about a lonely man
53
00:02:53,597 --> 00:02:56,596
who had let his heart grow flinty,
54
00:02:56,597 --> 00:02:59,597
hard and bitter.
55
00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:03,596
The child was thin and starved...
56
00:03:03,597 --> 00:03:05,596
And they rejected him,
57
00:03:05,597 --> 00:03:06,864
for he loved only money.
58
00:03:06,865 --> 00:03:10,596
Grave yawned open...
Ghost came a-knocking...
59
00:03:10,597 --> 00:03:14,131
"What vision is this, Spirit?"
60
00:03:14,132 --> 00:03:16,596
Fat Christmas goose!
61
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:19,864
All rejoiced and made most merry.
62
00:03:19,865 --> 00:03:24,596
God bless us, everyone.
63
00:03:24,597 --> 00:03:27,998
Goodness, sir,
that is a wonderful story.
64
00:03:29,132 --> 00:03:31,264
Where did you hear it?
When was it written?
65
00:03:31,265 --> 00:03:32,596
I told you, it is timeless.
66
00:03:32,597 --> 00:03:35,596
Maybe yesterday,
perhaps a thousand years ago,
67
00:03:35,597 --> 00:03:40,597
perhaps it is not written
and will not be for centuries.
68
00:03:40,598 --> 00:03:43,596
Now, that is spooky.
69
00:03:43,597 --> 00:03:44,597
What's spooky?
70
00:03:44,598 --> 00:03:46,596
But you were...
71
00:03:46,597 --> 00:03:47,730
Where's the...?
72
00:03:47,731 --> 00:03:51,596
You fell asleep. I often find
my stories have that effect.
73
00:03:51,597 --> 00:03:53,596
I think it's because
they're so hilarious
74
00:03:53,597 --> 00:03:56,596
that people get a bit overloaded
and they just shut down.
75
00:03:56,597 --> 00:03:59,597
Yes, I expect that's probably it.
76
00:04:03,598 --> 00:04:06,596
Father is here
and 'tis almost Advent.
77
00:04:06,597 --> 00:04:08,596
Last trip home before the holiday.
78
00:04:08,597 --> 00:04:09,997
Did you have a good journey, Dad?
79
00:04:09,998 --> 00:04:12,596
Well, astonishingly -
80
00:04:12,597 --> 00:04:15,596
I might almost say spookily - I did.
81
00:04:15,597 --> 00:04:18,596
Goodness, does that mean
that the long-promised improvements
82
00:04:18,597 --> 00:04:21,596
to public transport
have actually occurred -
83
00:04:21,597 --> 00:04:23,597
more frequent and faster services?
84
00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:26,596
Cleaner, less-crowded coaches?
85
00:04:26,597 --> 00:04:30,596
Compensation paid out promptly
for late arrivals and cancellations?
86
00:04:30,597 --> 00:04:32,131
No, family, it does not. Oh.
87
00:04:32,132 --> 00:04:35,596
Because, in fact, those are not
promises at all, but jokes,
88
00:04:35,597 --> 00:04:39,596
told for the amusement
of Her Majesty's ministers,
89
00:04:39,597 --> 00:04:41,264
wearied by luxury and power.
90
00:04:41,265 --> 00:04:44,596
And like all good jokes,
they will bear constant retelling
91
00:04:44,597 --> 00:04:48,596
and will, I imagine, still be being
told even unto the next millennium.
92
00:04:48,597 --> 00:04:51,730
So how come you did have
a good journey, then, son?
93
00:04:51,731 --> 00:04:54,864
Did you catch the eye
of some slapsome doxy
94
00:04:54,865 --> 00:04:58,997
and play flirty wirty footsie
wootsie winky wonky with her
95
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:02,531
all the way from Slough to Banbury,
96
00:05:02,532 --> 00:05:04,596
and then actually cop a proper feel
97
00:05:04,597 --> 00:05:06,597
behind the pie shop
in Chipping Norton?
98
00:05:08,597 --> 00:05:11,596
Not that that's ever happened to me.
99
00:05:11,597 --> 00:05:14,531
No, Father, I did not,
100
00:05:14,532 --> 00:05:17,398
but I did hear
a most marvellous Christmas story,
101
00:05:17,399 --> 00:05:19,730
a story of a soul redeemed,
102
00:05:19,731 --> 00:05:23,596
and it made me think that perhaps,
in this Christmas of our sadness,
103
00:05:23,597 --> 00:05:25,730
we... we might redeem
our own souls a little
104
00:05:25,731 --> 00:05:27,596
by doing some good in the world.
105
00:05:27,597 --> 00:05:28,597
How do you mean, Dad?
106
00:05:28,598 --> 00:05:31,264
Well, we have suffered a heavy loss,
107
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:33,596
and I confess that sometimes,
in my grief,
108
00:05:33,597 --> 00:05:37,596
I have succumbed to anger
and bitter rage at cruel fate.
109
00:05:37,597 --> 00:05:38,597
Me too.
110
00:05:38,598 --> 00:05:40,596
How come little Hamnet was taken
111
00:05:40,597 --> 00:05:43,596
while a wicked old goat like me
is allowed to live?
112
00:05:43,597 --> 00:05:45,596
It ain't fair, makes no sense.
113
00:05:45,597 --> 00:05:47,596
I'd have gone in his place
100 times.
114
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,596
We all would.
115
00:05:49,597 --> 00:05:50,597
But we can't.
116
00:05:50,598 --> 00:05:52,730
Instead, we must try and heal,
117
00:05:52,731 --> 00:05:55,597
perchance through love,
through charity.
118
00:05:55,598 --> 00:05:58,596
You and Mum give quite a bit
to the poor already, Dad.
119
00:05:58,597 --> 00:05:59,864
Yes, daughter, 'tis true.
120
00:05:59,865 --> 00:06:02,596
We... we always take our turnip heads
to the village foodbank
121
00:06:02,597 --> 00:06:05,596
and... and we have our
sponsored leper.
122
00:06:05,597 --> 00:06:08,997
Also, as you know, I have funded
a Cambridge research fellowship
123
00:06:08,998 --> 00:06:10,596
into male pattern baldness.
124
00:06:10,597 --> 00:06:12,596
Although, for the avoidance of
doubt,
125
00:06:12,597 --> 00:06:14,596
I personally am not going bald -
126
00:06:14,597 --> 00:06:15,597
I have shy hair.
127
00:06:15,598 --> 00:06:17,131
DOOR CLOSES
128
00:06:17,132 --> 00:06:18,596
Is that you, husband?
129
00:06:18,597 --> 00:06:20,264
I didn't hear the door.
130
00:06:20,265 --> 00:06:22,131
My mind was wandering.
131
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,596
Yes, my sweet, 'tis I.
132
00:06:23,597 --> 00:06:25,596
Last trip home
before the Christmas hols.
133
00:06:25,597 --> 00:06:28,596
We shan't do a lot this year.
Just church, I think.
134
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:31,265
I really couldn't do a big feast.
135
00:06:33,998 --> 00:06:36,596
She's not getting any better, Dad.
136
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,596
I mean, we're all grieving,
but Mum is just in bits.
137
00:06:39,597 --> 00:06:41,596
It's like you said, love,
138
00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:45,596
grief fills the room up
of my absent child.
139
00:06:45,597 --> 00:06:48,596
And thus am I resolved.
140
00:06:48,597 --> 00:06:50,264
Family, this Yuletide,
141
00:06:50,265 --> 00:06:52,730
we... we will not focus on the love
that we have lost
142
00:06:52,731 --> 00:06:54,997
but the love that we can make.
143
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,398
This house is filled with sadness,
144
00:06:57,399 --> 00:06:59,596
and so we will spend the season
in London,
145
00:06:59,597 --> 00:07:01,596
where I intend to make of myself
146
00:07:01,597 --> 00:07:04,596
that which begins with what
a good dinner will do for a man,
147
00:07:04,597 --> 00:07:06,596
is followed by the fourth of six,
148
00:07:06,597 --> 00:07:09,596
then that verb that will move
a javelin,
149
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:12,596
and finally Grandad after about
four o'clock in the afternoon.
150
00:07:12,597 --> 00:07:14,596
Er, what?
151
00:07:14,597 --> 00:07:17,596
Come now, daughter,
a good dinner may fill a man.
152
00:07:17,597 --> 00:07:20,596
The fourth of six is Anne of Cleves.
153
00:07:20,597 --> 00:07:21,864
We throw a javelin...
154
00:07:21,865 --> 00:07:23,596
Fill, Anne, throw...
155
00:07:23,597 --> 00:07:25,596
And Grandad after four each day is?
156
00:07:25,597 --> 00:07:27,131
Pissed!
157
00:07:27,132 --> 00:07:31,596
Exactly, I intend to make of myself
a true philanthropist.
158
00:07:31,597 --> 00:07:34,596
Do you think, son,
as a favour to us all,
159
00:07:34,597 --> 00:07:37,596
you might give up
your linguistical poncing toggling
160
00:07:37,597 --> 00:07:38,597
for Christmas?
161
00:07:38,598 --> 00:07:40,596
Never, Father, for,
as I think you know,
162
00:07:40,597 --> 00:07:43,596
linguistical poncing toggling
is what I do.
163
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,596
The Christmas story has inspired me.
164
00:07:45,597 --> 00:07:50,264
We have only now to find
a soul in need of redemption.
165
00:07:50,265 --> 00:07:53,997
Make haste with those ledgers,
Scratchit.
166
00:07:53,998 --> 00:07:57,531
I am owed many debts
and would collect my monies
167
00:07:57,532 --> 00:08:01,131
or seize the goods and properties
of any who default.
168
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:03,596
But 'tis Advent already, Mr Greene.
169
00:08:03,597 --> 00:08:05,596
Do you mean to bankrupt family men
at Christmas?
170
00:08:05,597 --> 00:08:09,131
Christmas? Christmas?!
171
00:08:09,132 --> 00:08:11,596
Shame on you, Job Scratchit.
172
00:08:11,597 --> 00:08:13,864
Any man who would hide behind
our Saviour's birth
173
00:08:13,865 --> 00:08:16,596
to renege on his debts
deserves to starve.
174
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,531
God...
175
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,264
God did not send his only son
176
00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:24,596
that oafs and slatterns might gorge
and quaff and rob honest men,
177
00:08:24,597 --> 00:08:26,596
just as no doubt
you'll seek to rob me
178
00:08:26,597 --> 00:08:28,596
of a half day's work
for the same reason.
179
00:08:28,597 --> 00:08:30,597
Well, sir, begging your pardon, sir,
180
00:08:30,598 --> 00:08:33,131
but I was hoping to have
Christmas afternoon off,
181
00:08:33,132 --> 00:08:35,596
so as to make the season full
merrily with my family, sir.
182
00:08:35,597 --> 00:08:38,596
Full merrily, on what I pay you?
183
00:08:38,597 --> 00:08:42,596
And you, with a wife
and six children in the house.
184
00:08:42,597 --> 00:08:45,596
If you are stupid enough to make
merry under those circumstances,
185
00:08:45,597 --> 00:08:49,596
then you deserve your poverty, sir.
186
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,596
We have love, Mr Greene,
that makes us merry.
187
00:08:52,597 --> 00:08:55,596
BELL RINGS
I'll get the door, sir.
188
00:08:55,597 --> 00:08:56,730
Love...
189
00:08:56,731 --> 00:08:58,597
Love!
190
00:08:59,597 --> 00:09:01,264
Can a man eat love?
191
00:09:01,265 --> 00:09:03,596
Will it clothe him
in princely silk and velvet?
192
00:09:03,597 --> 00:09:06,596
Will love buy medicine
for his sick children?
193
00:09:06,597 --> 00:09:07,597
Of course not.
194
00:09:07,598 --> 00:09:09,596
Love is worth nothing.
195
00:09:09,597 --> 00:09:11,997
I will have none of it.
196
00:09:11,998 --> 00:09:14,131
Good day to you, Mr Greene.
197
00:09:14,132 --> 00:09:16,596
Miss Kate,
what business brings you here?
198
00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:17,864
I am come collecting monies
199
00:09:17,865 --> 00:09:20,596
to bring comfort to the needy
this Christmas.
200
00:09:20,597 --> 00:09:22,596
Ha! Ha!
201
00:09:22,597 --> 00:09:25,596
Bah!
202
00:09:25,597 --> 00:09:29,596
Are there no prisons? No poorhouses?
Let the poor go to them.
203
00:09:29,597 --> 00:09:31,864
And if they cannot find a place,
let them die and be quick about it,
204
00:09:31,865 --> 00:09:35,531
and so relieve the surplus
population.
205
00:09:35,532 --> 00:09:38,596
How can you be so mean and nasty?
206
00:09:38,597 --> 00:09:40,597
It's a gift.
207
00:09:42,597 --> 00:09:44,399
Good day.
208
00:09:45,597 --> 00:09:48,596
Can't say I'm looking forward
to Crimble much this year, Botski.
209
00:09:48,597 --> 00:09:50,596
I'm going to skulk about
disguised and cloaked,
210
00:09:50,597 --> 00:09:52,131
because "you're supposed to be dead"
211
00:09:52,132 --> 00:09:53,997
can really constrain
a fella's roistering.
212
00:09:53,998 --> 00:09:56,596
I thought you were pretending
to be your own brother?
213
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:59,596
Turns out, being a celebrity
relative is a pretty tough gig.
214
00:09:59,597 --> 00:10:01,596
At least it is if you want to party.
215
00:10:01,597 --> 00:10:03,596
Everyone thinks I'm trying to cash
in on my bro's fame.
216
00:10:03,597 --> 00:10:05,596
I mean, how craplington is that?
217
00:10:05,597 --> 00:10:07,596
I suppose Will will be off to
Stratford.
218
00:10:07,597 --> 00:10:10,730
I suppose so. I reckon you're well
out of it - Stratford's so dull.
219
00:10:10,731 --> 00:10:13,730
Yes, remember last year -
it was all a bit quiet. Oh!
220
00:10:13,731 --> 00:10:16,596
Apart, of course,
from Greene turning up with soldiers
221
00:10:16,597 --> 00:10:17,731
and carting me off to the Tower!
222
00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:21,997
What Stratford-on-Avon needs
is some sort of notoriety
223
00:10:21,998 --> 00:10:24,597
or thing of interest
to give it a reason to exist.
224
00:10:25,598 --> 00:10:27,596
Like that's ever going to happen.
Yeah.
225
00:10:27,597 --> 00:10:31,596
Bottom, prepare spare beds
and order extra pie.
226
00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:32,997
I've decided that the whole family
227
00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:35,596
will spend the season in London
this year.
228
00:10:35,597 --> 00:10:37,131
Oh, good thought, that man!
Brilliant!
229
00:10:37,132 --> 00:10:38,596
Yea, let's try and have
a proper party.
230
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,596
I don't know if we could quite
handle a party this year, Kit,
231
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,596
but I have another plan,
if you be willing.
232
00:10:43,597 --> 00:10:46,131
Anything you like, mate,
you know I'm here for you.
233
00:10:46,132 --> 00:10:48,131
And me, I'm here for you, too.
234
00:10:48,132 --> 00:10:51,596
Well, obviously - you're hiding out
in my house rent free, Kit,
235
00:10:51,597 --> 00:10:53,597
and I pay you to be here, Bottom.
236
00:10:54,597 --> 00:10:57,596
Anyway, I was thinking
that what we need this year
237
00:10:57,597 --> 00:10:59,131
is a sense of purpose,
238
00:10:59,132 --> 00:11:02,730
a noble project to help us
rise above our own sorrows
239
00:11:02,731 --> 00:11:04,864
and honour the memory of our son.
240
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:08,596
I recently heard a lovely story
of Christmas redemption,
241
00:11:08,597 --> 00:11:11,596
and thus do I seek a soul to save.
242
00:11:11,597 --> 00:11:13,596
The only question is, whose soul?
243
00:11:13,597 --> 00:11:16,398
I can't believe it,
I simply cannot believe it,
244
00:11:16,399 --> 00:11:18,596
the man literally has no soul.
245
00:11:18,597 --> 00:11:19,597
He's a monster!
246
00:11:19,598 --> 00:11:22,596
What up, lady? Who's a monster?
Mr Greene.
247
00:11:22,597 --> 00:11:23,864
Greene, Kate? What about him?
248
00:11:23,865 --> 00:11:25,264
What about him?
249
00:11:25,265 --> 00:11:28,596
He is a heartless swine
and a sanctimonious hypocrite,
250
00:11:28,597 --> 00:11:29,597
that's what.
251
00:11:29,598 --> 00:11:31,596
Many a time and oft have we heard
252
00:11:31,597 --> 00:11:33,597
his claims to piety
and a Christian conscience,
253
00:11:33,598 --> 00:11:36,596
and I am here to tell you
that it's all utter...
254
00:11:36,597 --> 00:11:38,596
..utter...
255
00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:42,596
Well, if I am to say
what his claims to piety are,
256
00:11:42,597 --> 00:11:44,596
then, in order to spare my
maidenly blushes,
257
00:11:44,597 --> 00:11:47,398
I must needs do as you do,
Mr Shakespeare,
258
00:11:47,399 --> 00:11:49,398
and resort
to linguistical poncing toggling.
259
00:11:49,399 --> 00:11:50,596
Oh...
260
00:11:50,597 --> 00:11:52,596
God, really, must you?
261
00:11:52,597 --> 00:11:54,997
Yeah, this could take a while,
I'll get more ale.
262
00:11:54,998 --> 00:11:56,597
CLEARS THROAT
Intrigued am I, Kate.
263
00:11:56,598 --> 00:11:59,596
If what you wish to say
of Greene's claims to piety
264
00:11:59,597 --> 00:12:00,997
be indeed too coarse a thought
265
00:12:00,998 --> 00:12:02,596
for a delicate maid to utter,
266
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:05,730
then by all means must you resort
to linguistical poncing toggling.
267
00:12:05,731 --> 00:12:07,864
Right, in that case,
268
00:12:07,865 --> 00:12:10,264
his claims to piety are
269
00:12:10,265 --> 00:12:14,596
what a bull leaves behind him,
hot and steaming in a field,
270
00:12:14,597 --> 00:12:19,597
but which be not
a deeply satisfied cow.
271
00:12:23,532 --> 00:12:27,596
Ki... kind of feel in this case that
the linguistical poncing toggling
272
00:12:27,597 --> 00:12:29,531
might actually feel a bit ruder
273
00:12:29,532 --> 00:12:32,596
than the phrase you're trying to
toggle your way out of.
274
00:12:32,597 --> 00:12:33,597
You mean he's talking bullshit.
275
00:12:33,598 --> 00:12:35,596
Yes!
276
00:12:35,597 --> 00:12:38,398
He claims the moral high ground,
and yet,
277
00:12:38,399 --> 00:12:40,597
when I asked him for monies for the
poor at Christmas, he said
278
00:12:40,598 --> 00:12:43,596
they'd be better to die
and decrease the surplus population.
279
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,596
Oh, that is grim.
280
00:12:45,597 --> 00:12:48,596
I even heard him muttering
that love was worthless.
281
00:12:48,597 --> 00:12:50,264
What?! That's just potty!
282
00:12:50,265 --> 00:12:53,398
Love is the very reason to be alive,
particularly at Christmas.
283
00:12:53,399 --> 00:12:54,596
Exactly!
284
00:12:54,597 --> 00:12:58,596
And for all I despise Mr Greene
for being a heartless brute
285
00:12:58,597 --> 00:13:01,131
and for talking a lot of
hypocritical, sanctimonious
286
00:13:01,132 --> 00:13:03,596
what a bull leaves behind him,
hot and steaming in a field,
287
00:13:03,597 --> 00:13:06,596
but which be not a deeply satisfied
cow...
288
00:13:06,597 --> 00:13:07,597
..I actually feel sorry for him.
289
00:13:07,598 --> 00:13:09,596
Me too. Sort of.
290
00:13:09,597 --> 00:13:11,597
I mean, it's terrible to be
without love at Christmas.
291
00:13:11,598 --> 00:13:15,596
He is rich and powerful,
and yet his bitter heart
292
00:13:15,597 --> 00:13:18,596
and dead, empty soul make him
poor indeed.
293
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:21,596
You're right, it is sad,
but I can't worry about him now,
294
00:13:21,597 --> 00:13:24,596
I'm trying to find
a dead, empty soul to save
295
00:13:24,597 --> 00:13:26,596
so that, through such a redemption,
296
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,597
I may make some peace
with my own sad loss.
297
00:13:30,597 --> 00:13:34,597
Hang on. Hang the futtock on!
298
00:13:39,597 --> 00:13:42,997
Christmas in London, such a treat!
299
00:13:42,998 --> 00:13:46,596
We must do our best to enjoy
ourselves. For Hamnet.
300
00:13:46,597 --> 00:13:48,596
I shall perambulate the Dilly
301
00:13:48,597 --> 00:13:50,596
like the gentleman what I am. Oh!
302
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:55,264
And I shall go into every
single shop on the Strand.
303
00:13:55,265 --> 00:13:57,596
Both of them!
304
00:13:57,597 --> 00:14:01,398
Never forgetting, of course, that
we have in mind a noble purpose.
305
00:14:01,399 --> 00:14:03,596
Er, shopping is a noble purpose,
Dad.
306
00:14:03,597 --> 00:14:05,531
A nobler purpose.
307
00:14:05,532 --> 00:14:07,596
I think he's talking about this soul
308
00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:09,596
he's been banging on about saving,
Mary.
309
00:14:09,597 --> 00:14:11,596
But how are we to do it, love?
310
00:14:11,597 --> 00:14:13,531
Well, we certainly can't do it
alone.
311
00:14:13,532 --> 00:14:17,596
We need a larger cast of characters
than our small family can allow.
312
00:14:17,597 --> 00:14:19,596
Kate will help, she's on her own
again anyway because...
313
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:22,596
My mother is on yet another
slap-and-ticklish winter break
314
00:14:22,597 --> 00:14:24,597
with her latest bit of saucy
ruffington.
315
00:14:25,597 --> 00:14:28,596
And Kit's up for it,
being at a loose end, having...
316
00:14:28,597 --> 00:14:32,596
Faked my own death
for reasons too dark and disgraceful
317
00:14:32,597 --> 00:14:34,596
to discuss in delicate company.
318
00:14:34,597 --> 00:14:36,264
Bottom...
319
00:14:36,265 --> 00:14:38,264
Does what he's told.
320
00:14:38,265 --> 00:14:39,398
Exactly.
321
00:14:39,399 --> 00:14:42,596
And I think it's fair to say that we
do it because we are your friends,
322
00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:45,264
Mr Shakespeare, and we love you all.
323
00:14:45,265 --> 00:14:47,596
Which is very heart-warming, Kate,
324
00:14:47,597 --> 00:14:49,596
but even we happy band of
brothers and sisters
325
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:52,264
are not sufficient for the plan
I have in mind,
326
00:14:52,265 --> 00:14:54,531
and thus do I intend
to enlist the services
327
00:14:54,532 --> 00:14:56,131
of Burbage and the acting company.
328
00:14:56,132 --> 00:14:57,596
Oh, ouch! That's going to cost you,
Will.
329
00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:00,598
Christmas rates for luvvie kisses
are arse-watering!
330
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:03,597
You'll be paying top groat.
331
00:15:03,598 --> 00:15:05,596
I don't intend to pay them at all.
332
00:15:05,597 --> 00:15:09,596
I'm offering an incentive
that no actor can resist.
333
00:15:09,597 --> 00:15:12,730
He wants us to work for nothing?
At Christmas? Outrageous!
334
00:15:12,731 --> 00:15:14,596
Mad outrageous, I ain't doing it.
335
00:15:14,597 --> 00:15:17,531
But, my dear fellows,
you didn't let me finish.
336
00:15:17,532 --> 00:15:20,596
Mr Shakespeare writes
that this is for charity.
337
00:15:20,597 --> 00:15:23,531
Oh! Oh, well, of course that changes
things entirely.
338
00:15:23,532 --> 00:15:26,596
I mean, being an actor,
I do an enormous amount for charity.
339
00:15:26,597 --> 00:15:27,597
Me too. Like, loads.
340
00:15:27,598 --> 00:15:30,596
But ironically, obviously,
keeping my edge.
341
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,997
For instance,
if I was raising money for lepers,
342
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:34,730
I'd do gags about losing limbs.
343
00:15:34,731 --> 00:15:37,596
So, "Oh, come on,
let's give 'em a hand. Ah!"
344
00:15:37,597 --> 00:15:40,596
"Only a bit of armless fun.
Crr! Ah!"
345
00:15:40,597 --> 00:15:42,596
Which would be deeply offensive.
346
00:15:42,597 --> 00:15:44,596
Possibly, from a lesser comic,
347
00:15:44,597 --> 00:15:45,597
but from a genius like me -
348
00:15:45,598 --> 00:15:48,596
brave, confronting,
taboo shattering!
349
00:15:48,597 --> 00:15:49,597
So...
350
00:15:49,597 --> 00:15:50,597
Shut up, Kempe!
351
00:15:50,598 --> 00:15:54,596
As actors, we all have our causes
about which we feel passionately.
352
00:15:54,597 --> 00:15:57,596
As actors, our charity work
is very important to us.
353
00:15:57,597 --> 00:16:00,596
But we don't like to talk about it.
Oh, absolutely not, heaven forfend.
354
00:16:00,597 --> 00:16:04,131
I hate talking about the enormous
amount I do for charity.
355
00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:05,596
Oh, likewise. Same.
356
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:06,864
The simple fact is,
357
00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:09,596
I'm too busy doing an enormous
amount for charity
358
00:16:09,597 --> 00:16:12,596
to have time to talk about the
enormous amount I do for charity,
359
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,596
and I make that very clear
to people.
360
00:16:14,597 --> 00:16:15,597
So we are agreed.
361
00:16:15,598 --> 00:16:17,596
We will lend our sublime talents
362
00:16:17,597 --> 00:16:20,596
and the vast wells
of public affection we enjoy
363
00:16:20,597 --> 00:16:22,596
to Will and his charitable
endeavour.
364
00:16:22,597 --> 00:16:24,596
But we won't talk about it.
365
00:16:24,597 --> 00:16:28,596
Definitely not. I intend to make
that very, very clear.
366
00:16:28,597 --> 00:16:29,997
What's the plan, Will?
367
00:16:29,998 --> 00:16:33,596
How are we to redeem this soul,
and whose soul is it anyway?
368
00:16:33,597 --> 00:16:37,596
That of mine own worst enemy, Anne,
a man with the moral compass
369
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,132
of Henry VIII's
marriage guidance counsellor.
370
00:16:41,265 --> 00:16:42,596
Robert Greene.
371
00:16:42,597 --> 00:16:45,597
Dad, he hates your gutlings,
why would you want to help him?
372
00:16:45,598 --> 00:16:48,531
Because, daughter, it is Christmas.
373
00:16:48,532 --> 00:16:49,596
And what is more,
374
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:53,596
this isn't just about healing
his soul but healing ours.
375
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:56,596
To give to others
is also to heal oneself.
376
00:16:56,597 --> 00:16:59,997
That, I believe, is the message
of the story the stranger told me.
377
00:16:59,998 --> 00:17:02,596
But what is the story?
What are we to do?
378
00:17:02,597 --> 00:17:05,596
How are we to save this wicked soul?
379
00:17:05,597 --> 00:17:10,597
Well, to begin with, Mr Greene
is shortly to encounter a ghost,
380
00:17:10,598 --> 00:17:14,596
a ghost who will point him
towards the error of his ways.
381
00:17:14,597 --> 00:17:17,596
And how's that going to work?
Do you know any ghosts?
382
00:17:17,597 --> 00:17:19,596
Oh, most definitely.
383
00:17:19,597 --> 00:17:22,131
I... I live with one. Don't I, Kit?
384
00:17:22,132 --> 00:17:24,532
Woo!
OTHERS GASP
385
00:17:25,597 --> 00:17:29,597
And so the story begins.
386
00:17:34,998 --> 00:17:37,597
Right, Susanna, Judith,
you know what to do.
387
00:17:40,597 --> 00:17:41,730
KEYS JINGLE
388
00:17:41,731 --> 00:17:46,596
Oh, sir, will you spare a coin
for a hungry child at Christmas?
389
00:17:46,597 --> 00:17:50,398
Please, sir, it's so cold,
and I have no shoes to wear.
390
00:17:50,399 --> 00:17:53,596
Be off with you before I call the
night's watch. It'll mean we starve.
391
00:17:53,597 --> 00:17:56,596
Well, if you must, you must, child,
392
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:59,596
and I will do you the service
of not prolonging your suffering
393
00:17:59,597 --> 00:18:01,997
with my hard-earned coppers.
394
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,597
Stingy, grotsome old arse-mongle!
395
00:18:04,598 --> 00:18:07,596
Bah!
396
00:18:07,597 --> 00:18:10,596
Sue, that last line was not
in the script!
397
00:18:10,597 --> 00:18:12,596
I was improvising.
398
00:18:12,597 --> 00:18:14,596
I thought it was brilliant,
aren't you pleased?
399
00:18:14,597 --> 00:18:16,596
Judith, you're the daughter
of a writer.
400
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:18,131
You of all people should understand
401
00:18:18,132 --> 00:18:21,596
that the last thing a writer ever
wants from an actor, ever,
402
00:18:21,597 --> 00:18:22,597
is improvisation.
403
00:18:22,598 --> 00:18:24,997
Next thing, Sue'll be claiming
she basically wrote the scene.
404
00:18:24,998 --> 00:18:26,596
Well, I sort of did.
405
00:18:26,597 --> 00:18:27,730
My line was definitely the best bit.
406
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:32,596
How sharper than a serpent's tooth
it is to have a thankless actor.
407
00:18:32,597 --> 00:18:35,596
Don't be a bitter writer, Dad,
it's not a good look.
408
00:18:35,597 --> 00:18:37,596
All writers are bitter, Judy.
409
00:18:37,597 --> 00:18:38,597
We do 90% of the work,
410
00:18:38,598 --> 00:18:41,596
and then the actors get given
the best tables in restaurants.
411
00:18:41,597 --> 00:18:42,597
It's just not blooming fair!
412
00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:43,864
KIT: Will!
413
00:18:43,865 --> 00:18:46,596
Shall we get back to the plan
before Greene lets himself in?
414
00:18:46,597 --> 00:18:48,596
Yes, absolutely, Kit, you're on.
415
00:18:48,597 --> 00:18:50,264
Starve!
416
00:18:50,265 --> 00:18:52,596
What care I if two children starve?
417
00:18:52,597 --> 00:18:54,596
KIT: Greene!
418
00:18:54,597 --> 00:18:57,596
Robert Greene! Do you know me?
419
00:18:57,597 --> 00:19:02,596
Marlowe, can it be you,
with hair as white as snow?
420
00:19:02,597 --> 00:19:05,596
Absolutely, it's me, all right.
421
00:19:05,597 --> 00:19:08,596
Although it's not white,
more a platinum blond.
422
00:19:08,597 --> 00:19:09,597
Be you not dead?
423
00:19:09,598 --> 00:19:11,596
Dead, but not at peace.
424
00:19:11,597 --> 00:19:16,596
I am Marlowe's ghost, condemned to
walk the night in chains
425
00:19:16,597 --> 00:19:21,531
as punishment for being such
a legend of a bad boy while I lived.
426
00:19:21,532 --> 00:19:25,596
I quaffed and gorged
whilst the poor starved,
427
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:26,997
which was definitely not cool.
428
00:19:26,998 --> 00:19:30,398
Do not make the same mistake,
Greene.
429
00:19:30,399 --> 00:19:32,596
Remember me.
430
00:19:32,597 --> 00:19:35,597
Remember me...
431
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,596
A dream, surely?
432
00:19:39,597 --> 00:19:42,597
Marlowe was dead to begin with,
and yet...
433
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,998
..and yet it was... Marlowe.
434
00:19:47,532 --> 00:19:51,997
A toast, to the successful first act
in the battle to save Greene's soul.
435
00:19:51,998 --> 00:19:53,596
Oh! Uh-uh.
436
00:19:53,597 --> 00:19:57,596
Eh-eh, trying to save Mr Greene's
soul is a fool's errand.
437
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,596
It is like the assegai spear
438
00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:02,596
which breaks in the thick hide
of a raging bull elephant.
439
00:20:02,597 --> 00:20:03,997
Whatever do you mean, girl?
440
00:20:03,998 --> 00:20:05,596
Pointless.
441
00:20:05,597 --> 00:20:09,131
I applaud the vigour of your
imagery, Miss Lucy,
but I cannot agree.
442
00:20:09,132 --> 00:20:12,596
The story the stranger told
showed me that we're all redeemable,
443
00:20:12,597 --> 00:20:13,730
even Robert Greene.
444
00:20:13,731 --> 00:20:15,596
Hm, if you believe that,
445
00:20:15,597 --> 00:20:18,264
then you are like the hunter who
attempts to retrieve
446
00:20:18,265 --> 00:20:20,596
the broken spear from the thick hide
of a raging bull elephant.
447
00:20:20,597 --> 00:20:22,596
Slaughtered? Maimed?
448
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,596
Stupid.
449
00:20:24,597 --> 00:20:26,596
Miss Lucy's probably right, love.
450
00:20:26,597 --> 00:20:29,596
Greene may be even too wicked
to be redeemed.
451
00:20:29,597 --> 00:20:32,596
Well, not by Marlowe pretending
to be a ghost anyway.
452
00:20:32,597 --> 00:20:35,596
Greene'll just think
he ate some bad cheese.
453
00:20:35,597 --> 00:20:38,596
Ah, but there's a lot more to this
idea than Marlowe's ghost.
454
00:20:38,597 --> 00:20:40,596
We've scarcely even started yet.
455
00:20:40,597 --> 00:20:44,131
Now, Kit, you say that when you knew
Greene at university he did love?
456
00:20:44,132 --> 00:20:45,596
Oh, yes, absolutely.
457
00:20:45,597 --> 00:20:47,596
Little Bessie Watkins,
the dean's daughter.
458
00:20:47,597 --> 00:20:48,597
Pretty as a picture.
459
00:20:48,598 --> 00:20:52,596
Then tomorrow night,
Mr Greene will see his Bessie again.
460
00:20:52,597 --> 00:20:53,597
Does she still live?
461
00:20:53,597 --> 00:20:54,597
Afraid she died, mate,
462
00:20:54,598 --> 00:20:57,131
but I've heard she had a daughter.
463
00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:58,597
That'll do.
464
00:21:02,597 --> 00:21:04,730
I'm Ephie Watkins, Mr Shakespeare,
465
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:07,596
but 'tis said that so alike am I
to my dear mother,
466
00:21:07,597 --> 00:21:09,596
it's almost as if she still lives.
467
00:21:09,597 --> 00:21:11,597
But this is brilliant! Perfect!
468
00:21:11,598 --> 00:21:14,596
And did your mother ever speak
of Robert Greene, Miss Ephie?
469
00:21:14,597 --> 00:21:16,596
He broke her heart.
470
00:21:16,597 --> 00:21:20,596
She loved him and he loved her,
but he loved power and money more.
471
00:21:20,597 --> 00:21:22,597
Well, now you can help us show him
what he lost.
472
00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:25,597
We will conjure up a vision
of a Cambridge Christmas
473
00:21:25,598 --> 00:21:28,864
from long ago,
when Greene was merry and did love.
474
00:21:28,865 --> 00:21:32,596
We will show him his Bessie
in the full bloom of her youth,
475
00:21:32,597 --> 00:21:35,596
thus will he know what he has
sacrificed for greed.
476
00:21:35,597 --> 00:21:37,596
What a wonderful plan!
477
00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:40,596
And the fact that I am absolutely
identical to my mother
478
00:21:40,597 --> 00:21:42,596
in every way makes it perfect.
479
00:21:42,597 --> 00:21:46,597
Exactly, you can really show
Mr Condell how to play her.
480
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:49,596
He's waiting in the antechamber.
481
00:21:49,597 --> 00:21:51,596
Oh, Mr Condell?
482
00:21:51,597 --> 00:21:55,596
Miss Ephie, it will be an honour
to play your mother.
483
00:21:55,597 --> 00:21:59,596
Now, I take my character research
very seriously
484
00:21:59,597 --> 00:22:01,596
and shall study your every glance
and gesture.
485
00:22:01,597 --> 00:22:03,597
See, I have your smile already.
486
00:22:06,597 --> 00:22:08,596
I will also commission
a new set of coconuts,
487
00:22:08,597 --> 00:22:09,997
the better to match your own.
488
00:22:09,998 --> 00:22:13,596
Um, Mr Shakespeare,
489
00:22:13,597 --> 00:22:16,596
can't help feeling like
we're missing a trick here.
490
00:22:16,597 --> 00:22:18,597
As I mentioned, I am actually
identical to my mother.
491
00:22:18,598 --> 00:22:22,596
Such delicate beauty.
Isn't she exquisite?
492
00:22:22,597 --> 00:22:26,131
So maybe kind of...
I should play her.
493
00:22:26,132 --> 00:22:27,597
Bitch!
494
00:22:29,399 --> 00:22:31,596
Money...
495
00:22:31,597 --> 00:22:33,596
Fame...
496
00:22:33,597 --> 00:22:35,596
Power!
497
00:22:35,597 --> 00:22:37,596
Lucky you can pick a lock, Botski.
498
00:22:37,597 --> 00:22:39,596
Ah, I've got a lot of skills
I've not shown you, master.
499
00:22:39,597 --> 00:22:43,398
Yes, not least cooking a decent pie
and sweeping the floor efficiently.
500
00:22:43,399 --> 00:22:44,864
You can't be nice even at Christmas,
can you?
501
00:22:44,865 --> 00:22:48,596
I am being nice, just not to you.
I'm saving a soul.
502
00:22:48,597 --> 00:22:50,596
Ah, Miss Ephie, you look marvellous.
503
00:22:50,597 --> 00:22:53,596
Mr Kempe,
ready to give us your young Greene?
504
00:22:53,597 --> 00:22:56,997
Neh, zneh, bah, Bacon And Bungay.
505
00:22:56,998 --> 00:22:59,596
Just keep your back to him
and say nothing.
506
00:22:59,597 --> 00:23:01,596
This is all about Miss Ephie.
507
00:23:01,597 --> 00:23:03,597
Do you think I should kiss her?
I reckon I should kiss her.
508
00:23:03,598 --> 00:23:05,596
Since we're sweethearts,
509
00:23:05,597 --> 00:23:06,597
I should definitely kiss her.
510
00:23:06,598 --> 00:23:09,596
May I remind you, Kempe, that this
is a safe-space work environment
511
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:12,264
with a rigid code of practice
on harassment?
512
00:23:12,265 --> 00:23:13,864
Even if I claim later
it was done ironically
513
00:23:13,865 --> 00:23:15,596
and in a spirit of banter?
514
00:23:15,597 --> 00:23:19,264
Touch me once and you'll be wearing
your scroting sac as a cravat.
515
00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:20,596
So no kiss, then?
516
00:23:20,597 --> 00:23:22,597
Probably better, leave it in the
subtext.
517
00:23:22,598 --> 00:23:24,596
Mr Condell, you ready?
518
00:23:24,597 --> 00:23:26,864
I suppose so, although I'm still not
happy
519
00:23:26,865 --> 00:23:29,596
about having to play
the Ghost of Christmas Past
520
00:23:29,597 --> 00:23:33,596
while you give the leading female
role to an amateur,
521
00:23:33,597 --> 00:23:35,398
and worse - a real girl!
522
00:23:35,399 --> 00:23:38,596
I've told you, Mr Condell,
Bessie is just a support part.
523
00:23:38,597 --> 00:23:40,596
The ghost is the lead female role.
524
00:23:40,597 --> 00:23:42,597
But why must I wear this childish
wig and silly dress?
525
00:23:42,598 --> 00:23:44,596
It's most unflattering!
526
00:23:44,597 --> 00:23:47,264
It's not a silly dress,
it's a 14th-century nightgown.
527
00:23:47,265 --> 00:23:49,596
You wear it and the childish wig
because you're a ghost,
528
00:23:49,597 --> 00:23:53,596
and it is an absolute rule of every
age that, unless otherwise stated,
529
00:23:53,597 --> 00:23:55,596
all ghosts are represented
530
00:23:55,597 --> 00:23:58,398
by spooky little girls
dressed in antique night attire.
531
00:23:58,399 --> 00:23:59,596
Don't know why, just is.
532
00:23:59,597 --> 00:24:01,998
Now get out there and get haunting.
533
00:24:04,597 --> 00:24:08,596
HIGH-PITCHED:
Mark me, Mr Greene, mark me.
534
00:24:08,597 --> 00:24:11,531
What? Who are you, child?
535
00:24:11,532 --> 00:24:13,596
What want you with me?
536
00:24:13,597 --> 00:24:15,596
I am the Ghost of Christmas Past,
537
00:24:15,597 --> 00:24:17,597
come to show you the shadows
of what has been.
538
00:24:17,598 --> 00:24:19,596
WHISPERS: And action.
539
00:24:19,597 --> 00:24:22,730
Another Cambridge Christmas, ha-ha!
540
00:24:22,731 --> 00:24:26,596
Let all be merry, for I am master
here,
541
00:24:26,597 --> 00:24:31,731
and I demand good ale,
good vittles and good cheer for all.
542
00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:35,730
Do you recognise this place?
543
00:24:35,731 --> 00:24:38,398
'Tis mine old college.
544
00:24:38,399 --> 00:24:40,596
And is that fezzie bezzie
tezzie wezzie wig my old master?
545
00:24:40,597 --> 00:24:42,596
The light is dim,
it's hard to see it,
546
00:24:42,597 --> 00:24:46,596
but, oh, how I wish 'twere true,
such fun I had.
547
00:24:46,597 --> 00:24:49,596
And what do you see now, Mr Greene?
548
00:24:49,597 --> 00:24:50,597
Why...
549
00:24:50,598 --> 00:24:52,596
Is it?
550
00:24:52,597 --> 00:24:54,596
Can it be my Bessie?
551
00:24:54,597 --> 00:24:57,596
How beautiful, how exquisite!
552
00:24:57,597 --> 00:24:59,596
Personally, I'm disappointed.
553
00:24:59,597 --> 00:25:01,596
No character, no depth.
554
00:25:01,597 --> 00:25:03,398
WHISPERS: Stick to the script,
Condell.
555
00:25:03,399 --> 00:25:06,596
But it's such a shame,
and I'd so wanted her to be good.
556
00:25:06,597 --> 00:25:09,596
See now,
who is it sweet Bessie spurns?
557
00:25:09,597 --> 00:25:11,596
Be gone, you miserable miser.
558
00:25:11,597 --> 00:25:13,597
Good day.
559
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:19,398
Why, 'tis mine own younger self.
560
00:25:19,399 --> 00:25:20,596
She weeps.
561
00:25:20,597 --> 00:25:22,597
My Bessie weeps.
562
00:25:22,598 --> 00:25:25,596
Bessie has rejected you
because you were cruel.
563
00:25:25,597 --> 00:25:27,596
You lost her through your greed.
564
00:25:27,597 --> 00:25:29,597
Well, actually,
little bit more to it than that,
565
00:25:29,598 --> 00:25:31,596
very much faults on both sides.
566
00:25:31,597 --> 00:25:34,596
I mean, I'll admit she did complain
about me being ambitious,
567
00:25:34,597 --> 00:25:36,864
but I honestly think
it was all about her
568
00:25:36,865 --> 00:25:38,596
wanting me to focus on her.
569
00:25:38,597 --> 00:25:41,596
She was quite clingy like that,
little bit needy,
570
00:25:41,597 --> 00:25:43,398
which at first I found endearing,
571
00:25:43,399 --> 00:25:45,596
but eventually became really
suffocating.
572
00:25:45,597 --> 00:25:48,596
Yeah, I mean, she'd be jealous
if I went out with my mates,
573
00:25:48,597 --> 00:25:49,597
and she was always asking me
574
00:25:49,598 --> 00:25:51,596
what I was thinking,
which... which I hated.
575
00:25:51,597 --> 00:25:53,596
I mean, if she was angry about
something,
576
00:25:53,597 --> 00:25:55,597
instead of just having it out,
577
00:25:55,598 --> 00:26:00,864
she'd go into these long sulks,
which was really draining.
578
00:26:00,865 --> 00:26:02,596
Better wind it up, Mr Condell.
579
00:26:02,597 --> 00:26:04,596
Yes, he is rather hogging
the action.
580
00:26:04,597 --> 00:26:08,264
The night grows dark,
the vision fades,
581
00:26:08,265 --> 00:26:10,596
look you last upon
your beloved Bessie
582
00:26:10,597 --> 00:26:12,596
and consider what you have lost.
583
00:26:12,597 --> 00:26:15,596
Mm, no, I honestly think
splitting up was the right thing.
584
00:26:15,597 --> 00:26:18,596
We could've gone on torturing
each other for a year or two,
585
00:26:18,597 --> 00:26:21,596
but it was never going to work
long term.
586
00:26:21,597 --> 00:26:23,399
Hm!
587
00:26:25,597 --> 00:26:29,596
Anyway, a great gig, I think.
We've definitely given him a scare.
588
00:26:29,597 --> 00:26:32,131
And the Ghost of Christmas Present
should really shake him up.
589
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:35,264
Yes, er, what's the plan for that,
Will?
590
00:26:35,265 --> 00:26:37,596
Creating some half-glimpsed dreams
of the past
591
00:26:37,597 --> 00:26:39,596
was possible with smoke and mirrors,
592
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:42,596
but I can't see us pulling that off
for Christmas Present.
593
00:26:42,597 --> 00:26:44,596
W-We won't need to create anything
this time -
594
00:26:44,597 --> 00:26:46,596
the present is all too real.
595
00:26:46,597 --> 00:26:49,596
Greene will witness the poverty
of his own employee,
596
00:26:49,597 --> 00:26:51,596
his scrivener, Job Scratchit.
597
00:26:51,597 --> 00:26:53,596
Mr Shakespeare, I really must
protest against
598
00:26:53,597 --> 00:26:57,596
this appalling business of using
real people instead of actors.
599
00:26:57,597 --> 00:27:00,596
Yes, it's very worrisome, Will.
Where will it end?
600
00:27:00,597 --> 00:27:04,531
Will there be a day when actors
are surplus to requirement
601
00:27:04,532 --> 00:27:05,597
to the entertainment industry?
602
00:27:05,598 --> 00:27:07,596
I've gone all cold.
603
00:27:07,597 --> 00:27:11,596
A day when lush and expensive
dramatic productions are forsaken
604
00:27:11,597 --> 00:27:15,596
in favour of some form
of reality entertainment?!
605
00:27:15,597 --> 00:27:18,596
I admit, Burbage, that, as a writer,
I-I do see the danger,
606
00:27:18,597 --> 00:27:22,596
but what if one day people gave up
on tragedies and comedies
607
00:27:22,597 --> 00:27:26,398
in favour of simply watching groups
of real people interacting
608
00:27:26,399 --> 00:27:27,596
in various locations?
609
00:27:27,597 --> 00:27:30,596
Ah, that's never going to happen,
Mr Shakespeare.
610
00:27:30,597 --> 00:27:31,597
I hope you're right, Miss Lucy.
611
00:27:31,598 --> 00:27:34,997
There'd have to be at least the
semblance of some extra idea
612
00:27:34,998 --> 00:27:36,596
to justify the exercise.
613
00:27:36,597 --> 00:27:41,596
Oh-ho, pretending they all have
to survive in a jungle together,
614
00:27:41,597 --> 00:27:42,597
for instance,
615
00:27:42,598 --> 00:27:46,596
or six pouting tarting slaps
and six strutsome humping knaves
616
00:27:46,597 --> 00:27:50,596
roistering together
on a sun-kissed island.
617
00:27:50,597 --> 00:27:53,265
Actually, you know,
I think that could work.
618
00:27:56,597 --> 00:27:59,596
Money, power...
619
00:27:59,597 --> 00:28:00,597
Being chased...
620
00:28:00,598 --> 00:28:03,131
I'm falling!
621
00:28:03,132 --> 00:28:05,597
Taking an exam naked...
622
00:28:06,597 --> 00:28:09,596
BOOMING: Wake up, Greene.
623
00:28:09,597 --> 00:28:12,864
And the compliments of the season!
624
00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:16,596
LAUGHS
Another spirit come to haunt me?
625
00:28:16,597 --> 00:28:19,596
'Tis I, the Ghost of Christmas
Present,
626
00:28:19,597 --> 00:28:21,997
destined to live but one day,
627
00:28:21,998 --> 00:28:25,596
but such a day!
628
00:28:25,597 --> 00:28:29,596
Come, Greene, we're off to a party!
629
00:28:29,597 --> 00:28:31,596
CHUCKLES
630
00:28:31,597 --> 00:28:35,596
Why, this is the home of
my scrivener, Job Scratchit.
631
00:28:35,597 --> 00:28:39,596
They seem so happy. Such peace and
contentment on their faces,
632
00:28:39,597 --> 00:28:43,596
and yet their fire is meagre
and their shelves so bare.
633
00:28:43,597 --> 00:28:46,531
How can they be happy
when they are so poor?
634
00:28:46,532 --> 00:28:47,596
It defies logic.
635
00:28:47,597 --> 00:28:50,997
Surely only money can bring
happiness.
636
00:28:50,998 --> 00:28:52,399
Look.
637
00:28:53,597 --> 00:28:56,596
Such joy, husband, such happiness.
638
00:28:56,597 --> 00:28:59,596
It is Christmas time
and we're all together.
639
00:28:59,597 --> 00:29:02,596
Aye, wife, we are poor,
but we have love.
640
00:29:02,597 --> 00:29:07,398
And tomorrow I shall order a fat
sparrow for our Christmas feast.
641
00:29:07,399 --> 00:29:09,596
A sparrow! A whole one?
642
00:29:09,597 --> 00:29:10,597
Yes!
643
00:29:10,598 --> 00:29:12,596
I've been saving up all year,
644
00:29:12,597 --> 00:29:15,596
and seasoned with the love that
we shall each bring to the table,
645
00:29:15,597 --> 00:29:18,596
it will taste like
the finest goose. Oh!
646
00:29:18,597 --> 00:29:23,131
Mother, Father,
it all looks so beautiful.
647
00:29:23,132 --> 00:29:26,596
Tiny Todge, you should be in bed.
648
00:29:26,597 --> 00:29:28,596
I'm too excited thinking about
Christmas.
649
00:29:28,597 --> 00:29:31,596
Are we really to have
a whole sparrow?!
650
00:29:31,597 --> 00:29:33,264
Yes, Tiny Todge,
651
00:29:33,265 --> 00:29:36,597
with half a potato
and eight peas each, too.
652
00:29:36,598 --> 00:29:39,596
Then God bless Mr Greene,
653
00:29:39,597 --> 00:29:42,398
for without the coppers
he pays Father,
654
00:29:42,399 --> 00:29:44,596
we could not afford such a feast.
655
00:29:44,597 --> 00:29:47,596
Yes, God bless Mr Greene,
656
00:29:47,597 --> 00:29:49,596
for he has no love in his heart,
657
00:29:49,597 --> 00:29:52,597
so we must wish him
a little of ours.
658
00:29:53,597 --> 00:29:55,596
I'm finding these Scratchits
a bit pukesome.
659
00:29:55,597 --> 00:29:58,596
Yes, I will admit,
I did find the similar family
660
00:29:58,597 --> 00:30:01,596
in the stranger's story
to be a tad on the gooey side.
661
00:30:01,597 --> 00:30:04,596
I think if I ever write this up,
I'll tone them down a bit.
662
00:30:04,597 --> 00:30:08,596
No, let the Scratchit family
stand forever as a symbol
663
00:30:08,597 --> 00:30:10,596
of simple faith and kindness.
664
00:30:10,597 --> 00:30:13,596
You don't think maybe just an edge
of social realism?
665
00:30:13,597 --> 00:30:17,596
Make the mum a depressive,
the dad an alcoholic,
666
00:30:17,597 --> 00:30:21,596
the whole family locked in
a cycle of poverty and dysfunction.
667
00:30:21,597 --> 00:30:25,596
It's Christmas, Mr Shakespeare,
keep it sugary.
668
00:30:25,597 --> 00:30:29,131
Tell me, Spirit,
will Tiny Todge live?
669
00:30:29,132 --> 00:30:31,264
I see an empty chair
670
00:30:31,265 --> 00:30:33,531
and an unused crutch
leaning in the corner.
671
00:30:33,532 --> 00:30:35,596
Can no-one help him?
672
00:30:35,597 --> 00:30:37,596
Are there no prisons?
673
00:30:37,597 --> 00:30:39,997
Are there no poorhouses?
674
00:30:39,998 --> 00:30:41,730
If Tiny Todge is like to die,
675
00:30:41,731 --> 00:30:43,596
then better surely he does it now
676
00:30:43,597 --> 00:30:46,531
and decreases the surplus
population.
677
00:30:46,532 --> 00:30:48,596
You turn my words against me,
678
00:30:48,597 --> 00:30:49,597
the very words I used...
679
00:30:49,598 --> 00:30:52,596
God's bodykins, I smell a trick!
680
00:30:52,597 --> 00:30:54,997
Those words are exactly the ones
I spoke to the girl Kate,
681
00:30:54,998 --> 00:30:56,596
Shakespeare's friend,
682
00:30:56,597 --> 00:30:58,596
when she came collecting alms.
683
00:30:58,597 --> 00:31:02,596
And yet, this spirit claims
to have been born but this morning.
684
00:31:02,597 --> 00:31:06,596
And what is more,
this spirit seems familiar.
685
00:31:06,597 --> 00:31:09,596
The voice, the girth...
686
00:31:09,597 --> 00:31:10,597
Can it be?
687
00:31:10,598 --> 00:31:13,597
I will test him.
688
00:31:14,597 --> 00:31:19,596
Spirit, 'tis a goodly thing you do,
walking the night a-saving souls.
689
00:31:19,597 --> 00:31:22,596
A goodly charitable thing.
690
00:31:22,597 --> 00:31:25,596
Perchance you do an awful lot
for charity?
691
00:31:25,597 --> 00:31:29,531
Well, yes, I do, actually,
but I don't like to talk about it.
692
00:31:29,532 --> 00:31:31,596
Ha, discovered! He is an actor.
693
00:31:31,597 --> 00:31:34,596
This spirit is none but Burbage,
694
00:31:34,597 --> 00:31:38,596
who, like the girl Kate,
is also Shakespeare's friend.
695
00:31:38,597 --> 00:31:40,596
I smell a trick,
a trick that began with
696
00:31:40,597 --> 00:31:42,596
yet another
of Shakespeare's friends,
697
00:31:42,597 --> 00:31:47,398
Marlowe, who rumour has long had it
still lives.
698
00:31:47,399 --> 00:31:51,596
Ah, the Crow seeks to gull me
with tricks.
699
00:31:51,597 --> 00:31:57,265
Well, the gull shall gull
the guller.
700
00:31:58,597 --> 00:32:03,596
Spirit, can I expect another ghost
to visit tomorrow night,
701
00:32:03,597 --> 00:32:05,131
on Christmas Eve?
702
00:32:05,132 --> 00:32:08,596
You will, Greene, and mark him well,
703
00:32:08,597 --> 00:32:10,597
for 'twill be the most terrifying of
all.
704
00:32:12,265 --> 00:32:13,597
Remember me.
705
00:32:14,998 --> 00:32:17,597
Remember me...
706
00:32:19,597 --> 00:32:22,596
I will remember you, Mr Burbage,
707
00:32:22,597 --> 00:32:24,596
when I expose this trickery.
708
00:32:24,597 --> 00:32:27,596
I will remember you all!
709
00:32:27,597 --> 00:32:30,596
Right, this is the big one,
the final ghost.
710
00:32:30,597 --> 00:32:32,596
In the story the stranger told me,
711
00:32:32,597 --> 00:32:35,596
the antihero is shown a vision
of the future. Oh!
712
00:32:35,597 --> 00:32:40,596
An old man has died but none mourn
him, all despise his memory.
713
00:32:40,597 --> 00:32:42,596
Dad, you will play
the nasty old undertaker.
714
00:32:42,597 --> 00:32:44,596
And, Mum,
715
00:32:44,597 --> 00:32:45,597
his wicked, avaricious wife.
716
00:32:45,598 --> 00:32:46,997
Woo!
717
00:32:46,998 --> 00:32:48,596
Anne, you are the landlady,
718
00:32:48,597 --> 00:32:51,864
stealing the pennies
from the corpse's eyes.
719
00:32:51,865 --> 00:32:56,596
Mr Condell and Burbage, you are
sneering neighbours come to gloat.
720
00:32:56,597 --> 00:33:00,596
Gloat! Sue and Judy,
children come to laugh.
721
00:33:00,597 --> 00:33:03,596
And, Mr Kempe, you will play
the final spirit of all,
722
00:33:03,597 --> 00:33:06,596
the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
723
00:33:06,597 --> 00:33:08,597
Top-billed ghost, obviously, so...
724
00:33:10,597 --> 00:33:12,597
Mm, money,
725
00:33:12,598 --> 00:33:16,596
gold, title...
726
00:33:16,597 --> 00:33:18,596
And yet, I only pretend to sleep.
727
00:33:18,597 --> 00:33:20,596
I will make them rue the day
728
00:33:20,597 --> 00:33:23,596
they ever thought to make a fool
of Robert Greene.
729
00:33:23,597 --> 00:33:28,399
DOOR RATTLES
Hark, the fools assemble.
730
00:33:33,265 --> 00:33:35,596
Right, Kempe, do your stuff.
731
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:38,596
Greene, Robert Greene,
732
00:33:38,597 --> 00:33:42,531
I am the Ghost of Christmas
Yet to Come.
733
00:33:42,532 --> 00:33:45,597
Now will I leap up
and confront them.
734
00:33:46,597 --> 00:33:48,730
Oh, Spirit, let me see thee!
735
00:33:48,731 --> 00:33:52,398
Robert Greene! Mark me!
736
00:33:52,399 --> 00:33:54,596
I am the Spirit of Christmas
Yet to Come,
737
00:33:54,597 --> 00:33:56,596
here to show you shadows
738
00:33:56,597 --> 00:33:58,398
of the future,
739
00:33:58,399 --> 00:34:00,596
shadows of pain and sorrow.
740
00:34:00,597 --> 00:34:01,597
No, be gone, Spirit!
741
00:34:01,598 --> 00:34:04,596
Do not haunt me so. Be gone!
742
00:34:04,597 --> 00:34:06,596
I beg you! Do not torment me!
743
00:34:06,597 --> 00:34:10,596
Spare me these visions of horror.
744
00:34:10,597 --> 00:34:13,596
Blimey, it's going even better
than I thought!
745
00:34:13,597 --> 00:34:16,864
Come, come with me.
746
00:34:16,865 --> 00:34:20,532
I will show you visions
of that which is yet to be.
747
00:34:29,597 --> 00:34:31,596
I think he's fainted.
748
00:34:31,597 --> 00:34:33,596
Job done, I reckon.
749
00:34:33,597 --> 00:34:36,597
Let us hope Greene awakes
a better person.
750
00:34:40,597 --> 00:34:43,596
ALL: Merry Christmas, one and all.
751
00:34:43,597 --> 00:34:47,596
Yes, a quiet one this year, I think,
but merry Christmas just the same.
752
00:34:47,597 --> 00:34:51,596
Aye, wife, and we shall have our
feast just as Hamnet would wish.
753
00:34:51,597 --> 00:34:53,531
DOOR RATTLES
In fact, I hear Bottom now
754
00:34:53,532 --> 00:34:55,596
with our goose,
the biggest in the shop.
755
00:34:55,597 --> 00:34:57,596
Oh! Master!
756
00:34:57,597 --> 00:35:00,596
I couldn't get the biggest goose
in the shop cos - guess what? -
757
00:35:00,597 --> 00:35:02,596
Robert Greene had been earlier
and nabbed it.
758
00:35:02,597 --> 00:35:03,597
And you'll never guess why.
759
00:35:03,598 --> 00:35:06,132
We've gotta get round to the
Scratchits', come on!
760
00:35:09,597 --> 00:35:12,596
'Tis but a sparrow
but cooked with love.
761
00:35:12,597 --> 00:35:15,596
So God bless us, one and all.
762
00:35:15,597 --> 00:35:17,997
Ah, thank goodness I am not
too late!
763
00:35:17,998 --> 00:35:19,596
Too late for what, Mr Greene?
764
00:35:19,597 --> 00:35:23,596
Why, to bring you
a happy Christmas. Oh!
765
00:35:23,597 --> 00:35:26,596
Here be roasted goose,
766
00:35:26,597 --> 00:35:29,131
and monies for your comfort,
767
00:35:29,132 --> 00:35:30,864
and medicine and care
for Tiny Todge.
768
00:35:30,865 --> 00:35:33,596
Goodness, Mr Greene! Are you ill?
769
00:35:33,597 --> 00:35:35,596
No, I am cured,
770
00:35:35,597 --> 00:35:37,596
for I have seen the future,
771
00:35:37,597 --> 00:35:38,597
and I must change it.
772
00:35:38,598 --> 00:35:40,398
What future did you see?
773
00:35:40,399 --> 00:35:42,398
A spirit took me there,
774
00:35:42,399 --> 00:35:45,398
the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
775
00:35:45,399 --> 00:35:50,864
He showed me a bare room
with a coffin, but none mourned it.
776
00:35:50,865 --> 00:35:54,596
All who had gathered
did despise the deceased.
777
00:35:54,597 --> 00:35:57,596
They cursed his memory
and called him cruel.
778
00:35:57,597 --> 00:36:00,596
Blimey! Our little tableau
really did work well.
779
00:36:00,597 --> 00:36:03,131
I mean, frankly, I'm gobble smacked.
780
00:36:03,132 --> 00:36:05,596
Such a sad scene, Mr Greene,
781
00:36:05,597 --> 00:36:07,596
but who was this figure
who none did mourn?
782
00:36:07,597 --> 00:36:11,596
I will tell thee,
good Mrs Scratchit.
783
00:36:11,597 --> 00:36:15,596
First, the spirit took my hand
and guided me forward.
784
00:36:15,597 --> 00:36:21,531
With him were two starving children
who had leapt from a yawning grave.
785
00:36:21,532 --> 00:36:26,264
Their names were Hunger and
Ignorance.
786
00:36:26,265 --> 00:36:28,596
We be finer actors than I thought!
787
00:36:28,597 --> 00:36:31,596
Yes, we do seem to have conjured
a rather more complex image
788
00:36:31,597 --> 00:36:33,398
than we actually presented.
789
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:34,596
Ha, great acting, see?
790
00:36:34,597 --> 00:36:37,597
It's not what you do,
it's what you don't do.
791
00:36:38,597 --> 00:36:40,596
And thus did I know
792
00:36:40,597 --> 00:36:42,596
that I must make amends
793
00:36:42,597 --> 00:36:45,398
and bring you a happy Christmas.
794
00:36:45,399 --> 00:36:47,596
Just this year, obviously,
there's no point going mad.
795
00:36:47,597 --> 00:36:52,531
And so,
God bless you all and Tiny Todge.
796
00:36:52,532 --> 00:36:53,596
Brilliant, what a result.
797
00:36:53,597 --> 00:36:55,596
It actually worked.
798
00:36:55,597 --> 00:36:57,131
We did it, husband.
799
00:36:57,132 --> 00:36:59,596
On this, our saddest of Christmases,
800
00:36:59,597 --> 00:37:01,864
we did a bit of good
in a cruel world.
801
00:37:01,865 --> 00:37:04,596
Yes, I... I think we did.
802
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:06,865
Come on, dinner won't eat itself.
803
00:37:22,998 --> 00:37:24,596
I'm glad we came back here
804
00:37:24,597 --> 00:37:27,531
for the last ten days of Christmas,
husband.
805
00:37:27,532 --> 00:37:29,596
Life goes on,
806
00:37:29,597 --> 00:37:33,596
and you have a wonderful story
to steal for next Christmas.
807
00:37:33,597 --> 00:37:36,596
Although, frankly,
I think I'd change the kid's name.
808
00:37:36,597 --> 00:37:39,596
I mean, Tiny Todge... Really?
809
00:37:39,597 --> 00:37:42,398
Well, interestingly,
810
00:37:42,399 --> 00:37:45,596
in the stranger's tale,
the boy's name was Tiny Tim.
811
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,597
Oh, that's definitely much better.
812
00:37:47,598 --> 00:37:50,597
Pretty pukesome either way,
if you ask me.
813
00:37:51,598 --> 00:37:54,398
But not my problem because, in fact,
814
00:37:54,399 --> 00:37:56,596
I've decided
that I will not write this story.
815
00:37:56,597 --> 00:37:58,596
Why not, love?
I think it's a cracker.
816
00:37:58,597 --> 00:38:00,596
I have profited from it enough.
817
00:38:00,597 --> 00:38:02,596
We've all healed a little,
818
00:38:02,597 --> 00:38:05,596
which I believe is what the stranger
hoped when he told me it.
819
00:38:05,597 --> 00:38:09,596
Besides, if I'm honest,
it's not really me.
820
00:38:09,597 --> 00:38:11,596
Not enough baffling minor characters
821
00:38:11,597 --> 00:38:13,997
and bewildering subplots
for my taste.
822
00:38:13,998 --> 00:38:16,596
And frankly, I find the complete
absence
823
00:38:16,597 --> 00:38:18,731
of any cross-dressing
very disappointing.
824
00:38:19,865 --> 00:38:21,596
So I... I think I'll leave it.
825
00:38:21,597 --> 00:38:23,864
Perhaps in some other age,
826
00:38:23,865 --> 00:38:25,596
another great English writer,
827
00:38:25,597 --> 00:38:28,131
though not as great as me,
obviously,
828
00:38:28,132 --> 00:38:30,597
will be searching for
a Christmas story,
829
00:38:30,598 --> 00:38:33,596
and the stranger will visit him.
830
00:38:33,597 --> 00:38:37,731
Let that future writer have it
from me, as a Christmas gift.
831
00:38:39,132 --> 00:38:41,596
Well, merry Christmas, husband.
832
00:38:41,597 --> 00:38:43,596
Merry Christmas, wife.
833
00:38:43,597 --> 00:38:46,597
God bless us... every one.
81271
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.