Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,941 --> 00:00:06,043
It's early assembly
day, and we all forgot.
2
00:00:06,044 --> 00:00:07,077
We're gonna be late.
3
00:00:07,078 --> 00:00:09,380
I have to be on time!
I'm the first one to sing!
4
00:00:09,381 --> 00:00:11,198
- Ah, crap.
- They haven't had breakfast yet.
5
00:00:11,199 --> 00:00:12,268
You know what? I remember a trick
6
00:00:12,269 --> 00:00:13,850
I learned from the
bartender at the casino.
7
00:00:13,851 --> 00:00:15,553
Line up four glasses
so they're touching.
8
00:00:15,554 --> 00:00:17,887
Got it. Get her cereal, get her milk.
9
00:00:26,998 --> 00:00:29,300
Damn it, DJ! Spoons, man!
10
00:00:33,243 --> 00:00:35,009
No. No! Darlene! Darlene!
11
00:00:38,215 --> 00:00:41,216
I think we all know Mary's gonna
throw that up during her song.
12
00:00:44,388 --> 00:00:46,222
I feel terrible.
13
00:00:46,223 --> 00:00:47,556
Today's Dad's birthday,
14
00:00:47,557 --> 00:00:49,488
and I can't afford to
get him anything decent.
15
00:00:49,489 --> 00:00:51,226
It's not about spending money.
16
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:53,395
He just wants to know
that you kids remember.
17
00:00:53,396 --> 00:00:54,596
Make him something.
18
00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,297
I did write him a poem.
19
00:00:58,401 --> 00:01:00,902
"An old silent dad.
20
00:01:00,903 --> 00:01:03,472
An ice-cold beer pops open.
21
00:01:03,473 --> 00:01:05,207
Gulp!
22
00:01:05,208 --> 00:01:06,740
Silence again".
23
00:01:08,344 --> 00:01:10,945
It's a haiku.
24
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:13,448
You know... this...
25
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:16,183
could be worse than not remembering.
26
00:01:21,461 --> 00:01:22,985
Hey. How was the meeting?
27
00:01:22,986 --> 00:01:25,154
Did you bring up that we
need a new coffee maker?
28
00:01:26,895 --> 00:01:28,096
They just fired me.
29
00:01:28,097 --> 00:01:31,064
Oh, what kind of coffee
maker you ask for?
30
00:01:33,169 --> 00:01:34,503
Oh, my God.
31
00:01:34,504 --> 00:01:35,937
You're serious.
32
00:01:35,938 --> 00:01:37,439
What happened?
33
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,675
Oh, after a bunch of...
B.S. about overhead,
34
00:01:40,676 --> 00:01:43,645
it boils down to them
wanting someone cheaper.
35
00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:46,248
But you created this whole thing.
36
00:01:46,249 --> 00:01:48,250
What a bunch of
soulless corporate jerks.
37
00:01:48,251 --> 00:01:50,785
I don't want to work
for people like that.
38
00:01:50,786 --> 00:01:53,354
Do I still work for people like that?
39
00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:55,523
Don't worry. You're safe.
40
00:01:55,524 --> 00:01:58,091
And I get why you'd want
to stay. You got kids.
41
00:01:58,092 --> 00:01:59,226
Yeah. Thanks.
42
00:01:59,227 --> 00:02:01,495
Actually, they said they
were gonna make you an offer
43
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,829
to run the place.
44
00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:03,855
Run the place?
45
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:05,246
Now they want me to replace the man
46
00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:07,635
that gave me this opportunity
in the first place?
47
00:02:07,636 --> 00:02:10,037
What, they think they can
just wave money in front of me
48
00:02:10,038 --> 00:02:11,872
and I'll sell my soul?
49
00:02:11,873 --> 00:02:14,241
Just for kicks, did they say
how much they were gonna wave?
50
00:02:15,377 --> 00:02:18,912
Pull yourself together.
I'm gonna be fine.
51
00:02:18,913 --> 00:02:21,382
Well, I-I'm so sorry.
52
00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:23,984
I can't imagine what you
must be feeling right now.
53
00:02:23,985 --> 00:02:26,387
Pretty much what you're
gonna feel in a minute.
54
00:02:26,388 --> 00:02:29,122
Uh, they told me that they were
sure you would take the job
55
00:02:29,123 --> 00:02:31,158
for half of what I was making.
56
00:02:31,159 --> 00:02:33,184
Half?!
57
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:35,462
That's so insulting.
58
00:02:35,463 --> 00:02:38,098
I mean, I didn't think I was
gonna break the glass ceiling,
59
00:02:38,099 --> 00:02:39,733
but I'd like to be able
to stand on a chair,
60
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:42,369
reach up, and touch it.
61
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:44,905
Well, if it helps...
62
00:02:46,441 --> 00:02:49,113
... you can tell them that
I think you're worth more.
63
00:02:49,114 --> 00:02:51,565
Ah. That's really sweet,
but they hate you.
64
00:02:52,513 --> 00:02:54,914
Smart thing to do now is to trash you
65
00:02:54,915 --> 00:02:56,349
and use your body like a trampoline
66
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:59,085
to bounce up the corporate ladder.
67
00:02:59,086 --> 00:03:01,086
You've changed since
you've been in charge.
68
00:03:03,790 --> 00:03:06,759
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
69
00:03:40,127 --> 00:03:41,127
"The Conners" is filmed
70
00:03:41,128 --> 00:03:43,429
in front of a live studio audience.
71
00:03:43,430 --> 00:03:44,731
Hey, everybody.
72
00:03:44,732 --> 00:03:47,032
Uh, looks like some local vandals
73
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:49,101
got into your sign out there.
74
00:03:49,102 --> 00:03:52,437
The Lunch Box is now "The Munch Box".
75
00:03:52,438 --> 00:03:55,307
Dwight, can you give me a
hand changing the letters back?
76
00:03:55,308 --> 00:03:57,609
I'll do it, but it won't
be the last time.
77
00:03:57,610 --> 00:04:00,112
Wolfgang Puck has been
changing that back to a "P"
78
00:04:00,113 --> 00:04:01,212
for years.
79
00:04:02,904 --> 00:04:04,805
I have a little surprise for you.
80
00:04:04,806 --> 00:04:07,174
Who told you it was my birthday?
81
00:04:07,175 --> 00:04:09,143
It's your birthday?
82
00:04:09,144 --> 00:04:11,112
Happy birthday.
83
00:04:11,113 --> 00:04:13,680
Luckily, I brought you a present.
84
00:04:15,283 --> 00:04:16,316
Is it a car?
85
00:04:18,153 --> 00:04:20,855
So, uh, what's the family
gonna do for your birthday?
86
00:04:20,856 --> 00:04:21,922
Nothing, I hope.
87
00:04:21,923 --> 00:04:25,026
My idea of a perfect
birthday is sing the song,
88
00:04:25,027 --> 00:04:27,962
give me the beaded car
seat cover, then go away.
89
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,030
Ohh.
90
00:04:29,031 --> 00:04:31,365
Underneath that cold exterior,
91
00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:32,466
just more rocks.
92
00:04:33,669 --> 00:04:35,970
Hey, Louise brought sammiches.
93
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,972
Yeah. And the bread is gluten-free.
94
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,373
I thought that might
help Dan's joint pain.
95
00:04:40,374 --> 00:04:43,476
Pass. Based on all the
gluten-free things I've tried,
96
00:04:43,477 --> 00:04:46,112
gluten is where they keep the taste.
97
00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:47,747
That's really sweet of you, Louise,
98
00:04:47,748 --> 00:04:49,949
but I don't think that Dan
has a gluten problem.
99
00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:52,418
Roseanne cooked him everything
he wanted, and he was fine.
100
00:04:52,419 --> 00:04:54,020
Roseanne was a hell of a cook.
101
00:04:54,021 --> 00:04:57,557
You ever come here when
this was Roseanne's place?
102
00:04:57,558 --> 00:05:01,061
No, but I hear it was very popular.
103
00:05:01,062 --> 00:05:04,397
Back then, I was pretty much
always on the road with my band.
104
00:05:04,398 --> 00:05:07,433
Yeah, Roseanne never went
on the road with a band.
105
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:09,268
She stayed home and raised a family
106
00:05:09,269 --> 00:05:12,505
with the love of her
life... this guy right here.
107
00:05:12,506 --> 00:05:14,373
Married 45 years.
108
00:05:14,374 --> 00:05:16,474
A marriage built on gluten.
109
00:05:18,212 --> 00:05:19,645
Jackie...
110
00:05:19,646 --> 00:05:21,214
could you go make sure
111
00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:23,249
that Dwight is wearing
his safety goggles?
112
00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:26,652
If he hurts himself, I got
to dump him on a union job.
113
00:05:26,653 --> 00:05:29,189
I get it. You want to be alone.
114
00:05:29,190 --> 00:05:30,423
Well, you're not alone.
115
00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:32,424
You're with everybody
she's ever been with.
116
00:05:37,631 --> 00:05:41,367
Why don't you stand up for
me when she does this stuff?
117
00:05:41,368 --> 00:05:44,803
Look, Jackie's going through
a really tough time right now.
118
00:05:44,804 --> 00:05:45,871
She's fragile.
119
00:05:45,872 --> 00:05:47,440
How fragile is she?
120
00:05:47,441 --> 00:05:48,574
At Thanksgiving,
121
00:05:48,575 --> 00:05:52,311
I watched her bitchslap
the bejeezus out of Darlene.
122
00:05:52,312 --> 00:05:54,046
I know it's impossible,
123
00:05:54,047 --> 00:05:55,881
but if you could just ignore her...
124
00:05:55,882 --> 00:05:59,252
She gonna be at your
tree-decorating thing tonight?
125
00:05:59,253 --> 00:06:01,420
'Cause if she is, I'm not coming.
126
00:06:01,421 --> 00:06:02,722
Come on, Louise.
127
00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:03,723
Mnh-mnh.
128
00:06:05,525 --> 00:06:08,394
Dan, my bathroom time is my time.
129
00:06:08,395 --> 00:06:10,662
You either talk to Jackie
or put a lock on the door.
130
00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:15,901
Darlene Conner?
131
00:06:15,902 --> 00:06:17,836
Yep. Can I help you?
132
00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:21,106
Carrie Langham, CEO of
American Consumer Magazines.
133
00:06:21,107 --> 00:06:23,909
Oh, wow. I was gonna come to you.
134
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:26,211
I didn't expect the big
boss to come to me.
135
00:06:26,212 --> 00:06:27,245
I couldn't wait.
136
00:06:27,246 --> 00:06:29,447
I'm so excited to have a female
publisher at Lock 'Em Up.
137
00:06:29,448 --> 00:06:31,416
Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
138
00:06:31,417 --> 00:06:33,385
Yeah, I get off so much
on empowering women,
139
00:06:33,386 --> 00:06:35,387
I have no use for my husband anymore.
140
00:06:37,824 --> 00:06:39,758
Yeah. It's like an appendix.
141
00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:41,999
No one knows what they do,
and you can live without them.
142
00:06:44,998 --> 00:06:47,166
While we're laughing,
143
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:49,367
I heard something ridiculous.
144
00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:51,970
I was told that I'd be getting 50%
145
00:06:51,971 --> 00:06:54,673
of what the previous
publisher, a man, was getting.
146
00:06:54,674 --> 00:06:55,841
I like that.
147
00:06:55,842 --> 00:06:58,443
Women have to fight to be
treated equally in this world.
148
00:06:58,444 --> 00:07:00,478
It's the only way we get what we want.
149
00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:01,513
Right?
150
00:07:01,514 --> 00:07:03,948
But you're not getting
what you want today.
151
00:07:03,949 --> 00:07:06,117
Oh, yeah. Uh, tomorrow's fine.
152
00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:08,186
I figured there'd be paperwork.
153
00:07:08,187 --> 00:07:11,356
No, that number you heard
is as high as I'll go.
154
00:07:11,357 --> 00:07:12,724
Uh, excuse me?
155
00:07:12,725 --> 00:07:15,460
Uh, you said that empowering
women gets you off?
156
00:07:15,461 --> 00:07:16,860
I want to get you off.
157
00:07:18,798 --> 00:07:21,466
Look, we're moving you up
from copy editor to publisher.
158
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:24,035
I thought you'd appreciate
a promotion like that.
159
00:07:24,036 --> 00:07:26,037
Well, if I get promoted one more time,
160
00:07:26,038 --> 00:07:27,839
I'll be volunteering here.
161
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,042
Look, you're either gonna pay
me what's fair or I'm walking.
162
00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:33,211
I got five people in line for your job.
163
00:07:33,212 --> 00:07:34,212
You're fired.
164
00:07:34,213 --> 00:07:35,546
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
165
00:07:35,547 --> 00:07:37,381
I was just doing that
whole fighting thing
166
00:07:37,382 --> 00:07:38,549
'cause you said you liked it.
167
00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:41,484
People grow, people change,
and I don't like it anymore.
168
00:07:42,821 --> 00:07:45,120
Women are so complicated, aren't we?
169
00:07:52,703 --> 00:07:54,648
Remember, run the cord to
the neighbor's house
170
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:57,316
and plug it in the side,
hide it in the snow.
171
00:07:59,053 --> 00:08:00,153
Hey.
172
00:08:00,154 --> 00:08:02,288
Check it out, Darlene.
Good ol' Smokey the Penguin.
173
00:08:02,289 --> 00:08:03,356
Ohh.
174
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:06,259
"Santa says a carton
makes a great gift".
175
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:07,360
Great.
176
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:08,805
Crap. Mary got caught.
177
00:08:08,806 --> 00:08:10,639
She's just a kid! She didn't know!
178
00:08:13,543 --> 00:08:15,543
Hey, Smokey.
179
00:08:17,114 --> 00:08:20,316
So... I lost my job today.
180
00:08:20,317 --> 00:08:22,919
Can't support my kids.
181
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,087
Clearly, I'm freaking out.
182
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:26,622
I mean, I'm talking
to a plastic penguin.
183
00:08:26,623 --> 00:08:28,224
- Hey, Darlene.
- Hey.
184
00:08:28,225 --> 00:08:29,659
- Hey, Becky.
- Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.
185
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:31,194
Hey, guys!
186
00:08:31,195 --> 00:08:33,229
Does everyone have
their Santa suits ready
187
00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:35,198
for our pictures with the mall Santa?
188
00:08:35,199 --> 00:08:37,867
I still don't understand
why we dress up like Santa
189
00:08:37,868 --> 00:08:39,102
to go see Santa.
190
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:40,169
Think about it.
191
00:08:40,170 --> 00:08:43,572
They see Santa sitting on Santa's lap
192
00:08:43,573 --> 00:08:46,308
asking for presents from Santa.
193
00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:55,217
Since you finally have a good job,
194
00:08:55,218 --> 00:08:57,320
can we get good
stuff instead of something
195
00:08:57,321 --> 00:09:01,156
from the "As Seen on TV"
aisle at the drugstore?
196
00:09:01,157 --> 00:09:03,091
Oh, Mark.
197
00:09:03,092 --> 00:09:05,127
Christmas is not about gifts.
198
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,861
It's about what's in your heart.
199
00:09:08,532 --> 00:09:11,165
They're screwing us again, Mary!
200
00:09:13,737 --> 00:09:14,970
More decorations?
201
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:18,307
Yeah! Nobody was even guarding
the tree in the town square.
202
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,007
I got all kind of stuff.
203
00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:23,078
Look, I need to talk to you.
204
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:25,280
Tomorrow is "Santa on
Santa Action Night".
205
00:09:25,281 --> 00:09:28,116
I know! I'm so excited!
206
00:09:28,117 --> 00:09:31,019
I got a new whoopee cushion
sewn into my Santa pants
207
00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:32,254
for when I sit on his lap.
208
00:09:32,255 --> 00:09:35,089
I'm gonna blame it on
Santa. It'll kill the kids!
209
00:09:37,026 --> 00:09:40,161
Here's the deal... since you
can't get along with Louise...
210
00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:43,899
... you have Christmas Eve
and she has Santa on Santa.
211
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:44,933
What?!
212
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:46,368
Santa on Santa is important to me.
213
00:09:46,369 --> 00:09:47,802
It means nothing to her.
214
00:09:47,803 --> 00:09:51,973
I put my Santa picture
on my Match profile!
215
00:09:51,974 --> 00:09:54,308
Look, Louise is my friend.
216
00:09:54,309 --> 00:09:55,677
I want to be able to see her
217
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,278
without you attacking her all the time.
218
00:09:57,279 --> 00:09:59,748
So, I'm being replaced.
219
00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:01,215
It's like this nativity scene,
220
00:10:01,216 --> 00:10:05,319
when you replaced the baby
Jesus with a Polly Pocket!
221
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,654
Come on, Jackie!
222
00:10:06,655 --> 00:10:08,255
A Polly Pocket!
223
00:10:13,729 --> 00:10:15,997
Okay, now that everybody's here...
224
00:10:15,998 --> 00:10:18,266
Dad...
225
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:20,446
I feel really bad because
I couldn't be a part
226
00:10:20,447 --> 00:10:22,081
of whatever everybody was planning
227
00:10:22,082 --> 00:10:23,448
for your birthday this year.
228
00:10:25,753 --> 00:10:28,053
You know, because of the baby and all.
229
00:10:28,789 --> 00:10:30,524
But I put a lot of thought
230
00:10:30,525 --> 00:10:33,259
into this really cute
picture of Beverly Rose
231
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,094
that I taped on a beer koozie.
232
00:10:35,095 --> 00:10:36,795
Ohh!
233
00:10:36,796 --> 00:10:38,797
Happy birthday.
234
00:10:38,798 --> 00:10:40,933
You deserve a lot more than this.
235
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:42,467
Thank you, sweetheart.
236
00:10:44,304 --> 00:10:47,473
I'm a little surprised you
don't know me better than this.
237
00:10:47,474 --> 00:10:50,075
As if I'd ever let a beer get warm.
238
00:10:52,279 --> 00:10:54,261
- Okay, who's next?
- Come on.
239
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:56,682
Yell "Surprise" so we can
get this over with and eat.
240
00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:58,650
Surprise! We forgot your birthday.
241
00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,047
We're so sorry, Dad.
242
00:11:02,048 --> 00:11:04,123
Mom always gave us a
heads-up the day before.
243
00:11:04,124 --> 00:11:05,191
It's fine.
244
00:11:05,192 --> 00:11:07,293
No, I promise we will make it up to you.
245
00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:09,762
It's not a big deal.
246
00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:11,897
I'm gonna run out to the garage
247
00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:13,932
and grab a beer for my new beer koozie.
248
00:11:15,001 --> 00:11:17,403
I have to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back.
249
00:11:17,404 --> 00:11:18,438
Oh, no, you don't.
250
00:11:18,439 --> 00:11:20,564
You're not gonna run off and
make a card like you remembered.
251
00:11:20,565 --> 00:11:23,059
You're gonna sit here and feel
guilty, like the rest of us.
252
00:11:26,046 --> 00:11:29,147
So, you were a bad daughter
253
00:11:29,148 --> 00:11:33,217
and you were only a
publisher for two hours?
254
00:11:35,589 --> 00:11:37,923
Well, personally, I'm glad
we're not dating anymore
255
00:11:37,924 --> 00:11:40,058
'cause you're kind of a dumpster fire.
256
00:11:41,761 --> 00:11:44,763
Well, since we're not working together
257
00:11:44,764 --> 00:11:46,966
and we're not going out,
258
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:49,334
I guess I got no reason
to come back to Chicago
259
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:52,270
and you got no reason
to come back to Lanford.
260
00:11:52,271 --> 00:11:53,538
Oh, wow.
261
00:11:53,539 --> 00:11:55,641
Yeah, I guess you're right.
262
00:11:55,642 --> 00:11:57,309
Hm.
263
00:11:57,310 --> 00:12:00,012
Well, I gotta say...
264
00:12:00,013 --> 00:12:02,514
I really enjoyed working with you.
265
00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:04,817
Aww. And I really enjoyed
working with you.
266
00:12:04,818 --> 00:12:06,651
Mm.
267
00:12:06,652 --> 00:12:09,287
You're annoying, but...
268
00:12:09,288 --> 00:12:10,954
incredibly smart.
269
00:12:12,525 --> 00:12:15,227
Oh. Well, you're smart
but incredibly annoying.
270
00:12:15,228 --> 00:12:16,294
Eyy!
271
00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:20,499
And you were my first sex on a desk.
272
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,701
Oh, and you were my best sex on a desk.
273
00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,901
Hey!
274
00:12:26,439 --> 00:12:28,940
Well, you know what? I tell you what.
275
00:12:28,941 --> 00:12:30,108
I'm gonna say...
276
00:12:30,109 --> 00:12:33,178
I'm gonna say best sex
on any office furniture.
277
00:12:33,179 --> 00:12:34,745
Ooh, wow!
278
00:12:36,849 --> 00:12:37,915
Ahh.
279
00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:43,087
It is gonna be weird
not to see you every day.
280
00:12:43,088 --> 00:12:44,756
I mean, I tell you everything.
281
00:12:44,757 --> 00:12:46,858
Who else is gonna
listen to all that stuff?
282
00:12:46,859 --> 00:12:48,759
Yeah.
283
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,095
Kind of looked forward to
listening to that stuff.
284
00:12:52,096 --> 00:12:54,430
I'm gonna miss you.
285
00:12:56,334 --> 00:12:57,967
I'm gonna miss you, too.
286
00:13:05,544 --> 00:13:07,511
Mm, mm. Hold on.
287
00:13:07,512 --> 00:13:09,046
Um...
288
00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:13,551
We're both drunk and sad
and just looking for comfort.
289
00:13:13,552 --> 00:13:14,785
Going back to your place
290
00:13:14,786 --> 00:13:16,953
or just going to the bathroom
here in the bar to have sex
291
00:13:16,954 --> 00:13:18,789
is a terrible idea.
292
00:13:19,857 --> 00:13:23,360
Well, how about I just
meet you on the floor
293
00:13:23,361 --> 00:13:25,329
after I fall off this stool?
294
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:27,363
- Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
295
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,632
Yeah, one more.
296
00:13:29,633 --> 00:13:30,701
No, no, no.
297
00:13:35,157 --> 00:13:37,586
Uh, I need to talk to you.
298
00:13:37,587 --> 00:13:39,920
I only talk to people who buy something.
299
00:13:39,921 --> 00:13:41,421
I'll have two olives.
300
00:13:43,157 --> 00:13:45,375
Dan thinks that you and I can't be
301
00:13:45,376 --> 00:13:46,955
in the same place at the same time
302
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,823
because you're always attacking me.
303
00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:51,727
What?
304
00:13:51,728 --> 00:13:53,147
Are you out of your mind?
305
00:13:53,148 --> 00:13:56,283
See, this is what we've
got to work past!
306
00:13:56,284 --> 00:13:58,052
We have got to get along
307
00:13:58,053 --> 00:14:00,321
because I'm getting cut
out of family events.
308
00:14:00,322 --> 00:14:02,156
So, normally, I would
come in here and charm you,
309
00:14:02,157 --> 00:14:03,824
but Santa on Santa is tomorrow,
310
00:14:03,825 --> 00:14:05,993
so say I'm your friend, and
I'll go back and tell Dan.
311
00:14:05,994 --> 00:14:07,028
No!
312
00:14:07,029 --> 00:14:09,263
Do not make this my issue.
313
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:11,732
You're the one who's always
had problems with me.
314
00:14:11,733 --> 00:14:13,052
You're not that special.
315
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,787
I have problems with a lot of people.
316
00:14:19,485 --> 00:14:20,485
On the house.
317
00:14:21,476 --> 00:14:22,843
Look...
318
00:14:22,844 --> 00:14:24,811
I'm not trying to take
your sister's place.
319
00:14:24,812 --> 00:14:26,514
Nobody could take my sister's place.
320
00:14:26,515 --> 00:14:28,315
I know that.
321
00:14:28,316 --> 00:14:31,384
But that doesn't change the
fact that Dan is a great guy.
322
00:14:32,387 --> 00:14:34,755
In case you didn't know,
they're hard to find.
323
00:14:34,756 --> 00:14:36,190
Oh, you think I don't know that?
324
00:14:36,191 --> 00:14:37,478
I've been single for a long time.
325
00:14:37,479 --> 00:14:40,259
I've had my share
of losers and nightmares.
326
00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:44,664
I dated a guy who lived in a tree house.
327
00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,999
You know what's worse
than a walk of shame?
328
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,203
Climbing down a homemade
ladder of shame
329
00:14:50,204 --> 00:14:53,772
while the neighbor kids
throw water balloons at you.
330
00:14:54,741 --> 00:14:59,011
How about a guy who
took out his glass eye
331
00:14:59,012 --> 00:15:01,247
and put it on the nightstand
332
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:03,148
and turned it to face us?
333
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,721
It's like he wanted
to watch himself having sex.
334
00:15:10,491 --> 00:15:11,524
Oh.
335
00:15:11,525 --> 00:15:13,225
I would've married that guy.
336
00:15:16,697 --> 00:15:19,566
Look, I don't know
what you think is going on
337
00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:21,367
with your brother-in-law and I,
338
00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:23,403
but he asked me to take it slow,
339
00:15:23,404 --> 00:15:24,971
and we are.
340
00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:27,707
We haven't held hands,
we haven't kissed.
341
00:15:27,708 --> 00:15:28,708
Nothing.
342
00:15:28,709 --> 00:15:29,976
- Really?
- Yeah.
343
00:15:29,977 --> 00:15:31,242
And he's worth the wait.
344
00:15:32,378 --> 00:15:34,413
What is it that you think I'm after?
345
00:15:34,414 --> 00:15:36,881
His, uh... his third mortgage?
346
00:15:36,882 --> 00:15:37,916
His, uh...
347
00:15:37,917 --> 00:15:41,285
his truck with that muffler
tied on with a hanger?
348
00:15:42,888 --> 00:15:44,423
His chickens?
349
00:15:44,424 --> 00:15:46,891
Well, individually, it
doesn't sound like much,
350
00:15:46,892 --> 00:15:49,894
but when you put it together...
351
00:15:49,895 --> 00:15:52,564
Look, I-I know you're
just looking out for Dan.
352
00:15:53,603 --> 00:15:55,467
But don't you want him to have someone
353
00:15:55,468 --> 00:15:57,202
to spend the rest of his life with?
354
00:15:57,203 --> 00:15:59,738
Well, I don't want him to be alone.
355
00:15:59,739 --> 00:16:03,708
Alright, well, I promise,
if things move along,
356
00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:05,244
I'll ask you for his hand.
357
00:16:05,245 --> 00:16:07,513
I'll settle for you giving Dan a call
358
00:16:07,514 --> 00:16:10,415
and telling him you're cool
if I come to Santa on Santa.
359
00:16:10,416 --> 00:16:12,316
Yeah. I'm okay with that.
360
00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:15,053
Mm.
361
00:16:15,054 --> 00:16:16,594
You know, when you come down to it,
362
00:16:16,595 --> 00:16:18,223
Dan could do worse than you.
363
00:16:18,224 --> 00:16:20,291
There's a lot of weirdos out there.
364
00:16:22,394 --> 00:16:23,762
Yep.
365
00:16:23,763 --> 00:16:26,330
You ever had a man
ask you to diaper him?
366
00:16:26,331 --> 00:16:29,701
As a sex thing or an old man thing?
367
00:16:29,702 --> 00:16:31,368
'Cause yeah.
368
00:16:37,409 --> 00:16:39,077
Oh, you hittin' and quittin'?
369
00:16:40,546 --> 00:16:42,781
Well, I got what I need.
370
00:16:46,385 --> 00:16:49,187
Look, I got to get home
before my kids get up.
371
00:16:50,422 --> 00:16:52,356
This is really awkward.
372
00:16:52,357 --> 00:16:55,459
I don't want to assume that
last night meant something.
373
00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,962
Um, we were both drunk and depressed.
374
00:16:57,963 --> 00:17:01,332
Although, that's pretty
much the only sex I have.
375
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,468
First of all, I prefer "making love".
376
00:17:04,469 --> 00:17:06,604
Gross!
377
00:17:06,605 --> 00:17:09,307
And second, my vote
is, we keep it going!
378
00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:10,575
Stay in bed!
379
00:17:10,576 --> 00:17:13,376
We order food and keep making the love
380
00:17:13,377 --> 00:17:15,278
until we're both 600 pounds
381
00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:18,247
and can't roll on top
of each other anymore.
382
00:17:19,550 --> 00:17:20,617
Wait.
383
00:17:20,618 --> 00:17:23,521
Are you saying that we're back together?
384
00:17:23,522 --> 00:17:24,554
Yes.
385
00:17:24,555 --> 00:17:26,090
I mean, I have no future,
386
00:17:26,091 --> 00:17:28,959
but I'd like to share that with you.
387
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,560
Then hell yes!
388
00:17:34,465 --> 00:17:38,602
And now, I will make-a
ze sweet love to you.
389
00:17:42,607 --> 00:17:44,141
Hey.
390
00:17:44,142 --> 00:17:46,143
Hey! What are you doing up?
391
00:17:46,144 --> 00:17:47,211
Couldn't steep.
392
00:17:47,212 --> 00:17:48,478
What you watching?
393
00:17:48,479 --> 00:17:50,781
A leg hair removal system.
394
00:17:50,782 --> 00:17:54,017
Only four left. You gotta hurry.
395
00:17:54,018 --> 00:17:57,320
Well, I am tired of snagging
perfectly good pantyhose
396
00:17:57,321 --> 00:17:58,989
on my stubble.
397
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,958
You sure you're not
up because you're upset
398
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,625
about everybody
forgetting your birthday?
399
00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:04,261
Nah.
400
00:18:04,262 --> 00:18:06,896
I know this family's
dealing with a lot. I'm fine.
401
00:18:06,897 --> 00:18:08,632
No, you're not.
402
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,634
Quit being so damn stoic.
403
00:18:10,635 --> 00:18:13,136
Remember when I told you as a kid
404
00:18:13,137 --> 00:18:16,039
to stop sharing your
problems with everybody?
405
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,106
Yeah.
406
00:18:17,107 --> 00:18:19,141
That's one of the
reasons I'm an alcoholic.
407
00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:24,281
Look, I'm the kid that
actually cares about you.
408
00:18:24,282 --> 00:18:25,414
You can tell me.
409
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,183
Fine.
410
00:18:27,184 --> 00:18:29,152
It kinda bugs me.
411
00:18:29,153 --> 00:18:30,219
This is the first time
412
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,389
any of you kids ever
forgot about my birthday,
413
00:18:32,390 --> 00:18:34,991
and it got me thinking,
"What happens when I'm gone?"
414
00:18:34,992 --> 00:18:36,192
So...
415
00:18:36,193 --> 00:18:37,575
Well, after you're gone,
416
00:18:37,576 --> 00:18:39,529
we'll probably stop
celebrating your birthday,
417
00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:42,832
because, you know, nobody
to blow out the candles.
418
00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:47,503
It's not the birthday.
It's about being forgotten.
419
00:18:47,504 --> 00:18:48,737
I'm not a kind of guy
420
00:18:48,738 --> 00:18:50,706
that's gonna get his name on a building
421
00:18:50,707 --> 00:18:52,507
or even a sandwich at the deli.
422
00:18:54,177 --> 00:18:55,377
All I got is my family,
423
00:18:55,378 --> 00:18:58,514
and if they don't remember me...
424
00:18:58,515 --> 00:19:00,449
I disappear.
425
00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:02,284
You're not gonna disappear.
426
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:03,319
Oh, yeah?
427
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,854
What's she gonna remember about me?
428
00:19:05,855 --> 00:19:09,057
You've got plenty of years
for her to get to know you.
429
00:19:09,058 --> 00:19:11,927
No one's gonna forget you.
430
00:19:11,928 --> 00:19:12,993
Dan, is it?
431
00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:17,532
Everything we are is because of you.
432
00:19:18,668 --> 00:19:22,170
How about I take the job
of reminding everybody every year?
433
00:19:22,171 --> 00:19:24,206
Fine. Do what you want to.
434
00:19:25,274 --> 00:19:27,343
I don't care.
435
00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:28,442
I'm fine.
436
00:19:31,413 --> 00:19:33,179
Ho, ho, ho.
437
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,984
Yep. We're back.
438
00:19:41,724 --> 00:19:43,358
This is our first triple Santa.
439
00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:44,592
I get it now.
440
00:19:46,428 --> 00:19:49,364
Remember last year, when
I threw up all over you?
441
00:19:49,365 --> 00:19:51,465
We're sober now. Yes, we are!
442
00:19:54,102 --> 00:19:55,536
So, the elves...
443
00:19:55,537 --> 00:19:58,004
are they free to go, or are they slaves?
444
00:20:02,210 --> 00:20:04,343
Oh, Santa!
445
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:13,186
I actually asked to be a part of this.
446
00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:14,854
I'm so sorry.
447
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:21,159
Bounce me. I dare ya.
448
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,464
I have a gift for you, Dan Conner.
449
00:20:24,465 --> 00:20:27,601
Your family's very sorry
they forgot your birthday,
450
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,503
so they wanted me to give you this.
451
00:20:29,504 --> 00:20:31,405
Happy birthday!
452
00:20:31,406 --> 00:20:32,839
Wow!
453
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,676
An actual game-worn Bears jersey!
454
00:20:37,677 --> 00:20:40,246
Who's Overbaugh?
455
00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:41,781
Uh, Jeff Overbaugh.
456
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:44,816
He was the long snapper
for a week in 2017.
457
00:20:45,519 --> 00:20:48,487
There was only one other bidder,
and he dropped out at 10 bucks.
458
00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:50,456
I think it was Overbaugh.
459
00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:52,025
I love it!
460
00:21:24,077 --> 00:21:25,400
_
461
00:21:25,401 --> 00:21:30,401
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
33030
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
