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1
00:00:05,499 --> 00:00:08,498
So, how about this?
2
00:00:08,499 --> 00:00:10,498
A miniseries where I play
a handsome astronaut
3
00:00:10,499 --> 00:00:12,498
who ages in reverse?
4
00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:14,499
Right?
Great.
5
00:00:15,126 --> 00:00:17,498
Great talking to you,
James Cameron...'s assistant.
6
00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:19,498
Boo!
7
00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:20,498
Aah!
8
00:00:20,499 --> 00:00:21,498
Oh, my God.
You scared me.
9
00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,498
Don't bring up God,
okay?
10
00:00:23,499 --> 00:00:24,498
I'm the devil.
Remember?
11
00:00:24,499 --> 00:00:26,498
You're not getting
my soul.
12
00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:28,498
You haven't lived up
to your end of the bargain.
13
00:00:28,499 --> 00:00:29,498
What are you talking about?
14
00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:31,498
You're a famous, hot person.
That was the deal.
15
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,498
No. The deal was I'd be
a famous movie star.
16
00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:35,498
You're one of the biggest
movie stars of all time.
17
00:00:35,499 --> 00:00:37,498
I loved you
in "Edge of Tomorrow."
18
00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:38,498
That was Tom Cruise.
19
00:00:38,499 --> 00:00:41,498
Shit. Really?
He was great.
20
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:42,498
But anyway,
I just wanted to say
21
00:00:42,499 --> 00:00:44,498
have fun tonight,
but I got to head out.
22
00:00:44,499 --> 00:00:47,498
You're not staying?
No. I hate roasts.
They're too mean.
23
00:00:47,499 --> 00:00:49,498
Oh, well,
do you have any advice?
Yes.
24
00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:53,498
Take everything personally,
open with your best rape joke,
25
00:00:53,499 --> 00:00:55,498
and if the night goes slow,
just go into the audience,
26
00:00:55,499 --> 00:00:57,498
grab a baby,
and slap it.
27
00:00:57,499 --> 00:01:00,498
Wait a minute.
That's terrible advice.
28
00:01:00,499 --> 00:01:01,498
What can I say?
I give terrible advice.
29
00:01:01,499 --> 00:01:03,498
I'm a terrible guy,
30
00:01:03,499 --> 00:01:04,498
just like that character
you played in "Topic Thunder."
31
00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:07,498
-That was Tom Cruise.
-I did it again.
32
00:01:07,499 --> 00:01:09,498
So, after tonight,
you're taking my soul?
33
00:01:09,499 --> 00:01:11,498
No. I can't.
34
00:01:11,499 --> 00:01:12,498
You already sold your soul
when you did
35
00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:14,499
those stupid
DirecTV commercials.
36
00:01:16,499 --> 00:01:18,498
Now go on out there
and give as good as you get.
37
00:01:18,499 --> 00:01:19,498
[ Sighs ]
All right.
38
00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:23,167
Hey, "RoLo,"
I got to come clean.
39
00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:25,498
I know I look amazing,
but I'm not the devil.
[ Somber music plays ]
40
00:01:25,499 --> 00:01:27,498
This is a fake tail.
41
00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:29,499
This --
This comes off.
42
00:01:31,499 --> 00:01:36,498
I am weird-eyed and barely funny
television's Amy Poehler.
43
00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:38,498
Five years ago
on "Parks and Rec,"
44
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:41,498
we thought it would be
funny to pull this prank,
but it feels mean now.
45
00:01:41,499 --> 00:01:43,498
I'm sorry.
46
00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:46,498
[ Chuckles ]
Good try...
47
00:01:46,499 --> 00:01:47,499
Mr. Devil.
48
00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:52,498
[ Sighs ]
49
00:01:52,499 --> 00:01:55,498
God bless that beautiful dummy.
50
00:01:55,499 --> 00:01:57,499
No live-tweeting this bitch.
51
00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:02,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
52
00:02:02,499 --> 00:02:04,499
[ Steel Panther's "The Burden
of Being Wonderful" plays ]
53
00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:14,498
♪ Why in a world of ugly faces
54
00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:22,498
♪ Should I be allowed
to be so hot? ♪
55
00:02:22,499 --> 00:02:29,498
♪ So many people
without talent ♪
56
00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:38,498
♪ Yet I was born with
all the magical gifts I've got ♪
57
00:02:38,499 --> 00:02:41,498
♪ The perfect body,
the perfect face ♪
58
00:02:41,499 --> 00:02:45,498
♪ It's like God's best work
all in one place ♪
59
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,498
♪ But the haters
hate perfection ♪
60
00:02:48,499 --> 00:02:53,498
♪ Can't you see?
61
00:02:53,499 --> 00:02:58,498
♪ It's a burden being wonderful
like me ♪
62
00:02:58,499 --> 00:03:04,498
Announcer: The Comedy Central
Roast of this fucking guy.
63
00:03:04,499 --> 00:03:08,498
And now please welcome
your roastmaster, David Spade.
64
00:03:08,499 --> 00:03:11,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
65
00:03:11,499 --> 00:03:14,499
♪♪
66
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:21,498
Thank you.
67
00:03:21,499 --> 00:03:23,498
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
68
00:03:23,499 --> 00:03:26,498
Welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of Rob Lowe.
69
00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:27,498
That's right.
70
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:30,499
We're here to honor one
of the biggest stars of 1987...
71
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,498
[ Laughter ]
72
00:03:33,499 --> 00:03:36,167
with some of the biggest stars
of 1984.
73
00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:37,498
[ Chuckles ]
74
00:03:37,499 --> 00:03:39,498
Ralph Macchio is here.
75
00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:41,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
76
00:03:41,499 --> 00:03:44,498
Ralph's a great guy.
I drove over here with him.
77
00:03:44,499 --> 00:03:46,498
Gave him five stars.
78
00:03:46,499 --> 00:03:49,498
[ Laughter ]
79
00:03:49,499 --> 00:03:52,498
Many of you know Rob
from "Parks and Rec."
80
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:54,499
A lot of you know him
from "The West Wing."
81
00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:56,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
82
00:03:56,499 --> 00:03:58,498
A couple of people know him
from Grindr.
83
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:00,498
[ Laughter, wolf whistle ]
84
00:04:00,499 --> 00:04:01,498
And if you swiped right,
85
00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:03,498
you met him in person
10 minutes later.
86
00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:05,498
[ Laughter ]
87
00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:08,126
At one time, Rob was one of
the biggest stars in the world.
88
00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,498
He was an A-list actor.
89
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:12,498
He was named one of the 50 most
beautiful people in the world,
90
00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:14,498
and he fucked the other 49.
91
00:04:14,499 --> 00:04:15,499
[ Laughter ]
92
00:04:16,459 --> 00:04:17,498
These are compliments.
93
00:04:17,499 --> 00:04:21,498
And now, the moment your stepmom
has been waiting for --
94
00:04:21,499 --> 00:04:23,498
Rob Lowe's package.
95
00:04:23,499 --> 00:04:24,498
I'm Rob Lowe.
96
00:04:24,499 --> 00:04:26,498
♪ Hey, yun-dun-dun
97
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,498
And I'm
painfully awkward Rob Lowe.
98
00:04:28,499 --> 00:04:29,498
And I'm
meathead Rob Lowe.
99
00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,498
And I'm
crazy-hairy Rob Lowe.
100
00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:33,498
You don't want
to be like me, anyway.
101
00:04:33,499 --> 00:04:35,498
Who's ready to make
a mother fucking movie?
102
00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:38,498
♪ Get low, get low,
get low, get low, get low ♪
103
00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:39,498
♪ Get low, get low,
get low ♪
104
00:04:39,499 --> 00:04:41,498
Where's my hug?
105
00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:43,498
Rivers: At 20, you have affairs
with every leading lady
106
00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:45,498
that you've been
in a movie with.
107
00:04:45,499 --> 00:04:48,376
Where do you read
these things?
National Enquirer,
which does not lie.
108
00:04:48,499 --> 00:04:50,498
What you got on
underneath that skirt?
You should know.
109
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,498
As you get older
and you experience life,
110
00:04:53,499 --> 00:04:55,499
you take on new sensations
that have to be recorded.
111
00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,498
Man: Rob Lowe was considered
112
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:01,498
a promising
young Hollywood heartthrob.
113
00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:03,498
Then, came
the infamous videotape.
114
00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:05,498
When did you find out
she was 16?
115
00:05:05,499 --> 00:05:06,498
Ha!
A little too late.
116
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:08,498
Man: Rob Lowe's big
"Snow White" musical number is
117
00:05:08,499 --> 00:05:12,498
an Oscars disaster.
118
00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:14,498
Literally.
Literally.
119
00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:16,498
Literally a never-ending
roller coaster of emotion.
120
00:05:16,499 --> 00:05:18,498
Is this how you guys decide
to go to war?
121
00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:21,498
I don't know. I'm usually not
in the room when they do that.
Sam.
122
00:05:21,499 --> 00:05:23,499
Could somebody get her
a cupcake or something?
123
00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:25,499
Who wants Chinese takeout?
124
00:05:26,499 --> 00:05:28,498
[ Speaking Chinese ]
125
00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:30,498
This guy is good.
126
00:05:30,499 --> 00:05:34,498
♪ 'Cause I got so down,
I held the world for ransom ♪
127
00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:36,498
You know what your problem is?
Your face.
128
00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:39,498
♪ Lonely, bored, and bad,
thank god I'm handsome ♪
129
00:05:39,499 --> 00:05:42,498
As a handsome man,
it comes with the price.
130
00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:43,498
It's a burden.
131
00:05:43,499 --> 00:05:45,498
♪ So pretty
132
00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,498
Scientists believe
that the first human being
133
00:05:47,499 --> 00:05:50,498
who will live 150 years has
already been born.
134
00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:51,499
I believe I am that human being.
135
00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:55,498
-Whoa.
-So freeing!
136
00:05:55,499 --> 00:05:57,498
Are you gonna squirt some?
You gonna cry?
137
00:05:57,499 --> 00:05:58,498
You gonna cry?
Ohh!
138
00:05:58,499 --> 00:06:01,498
♪ I am the greatest man
that ever lived ♪
139
00:06:01,499 --> 00:06:03,498
New uniforms
for the playoffs?
140
00:06:03,499 --> 00:06:04,498
♪ To give and give and give
141
00:06:04,499 --> 00:06:08,498
♪ I am the greatest
Oh!
Sorry.
142
00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:10,498
♪ Man that ever lived
143
00:06:10,499 --> 00:06:13,498
Lowe:
This may not be the Rob Lowe
that people are used to seeing,
144
00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:16,498
but it's the Rob Lowe
that's inside me.
145
00:06:16,499 --> 00:06:19,498
To hard cocks
and handsome men.
146
00:06:19,499 --> 00:06:22,498
♪ Oh, oh,
ahhhhhhhh ♪
147
00:06:22,499 --> 00:06:26,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
148
00:06:26,499 --> 00:06:28,498
It's a shame
we had to sit through all that
149
00:06:28,499 --> 00:06:32,498
just to see five seconds
of the sex tape.
150
00:06:32,499 --> 00:06:33,498
And please welcome
our guest of honor,
151
00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:35,498
my buddy, Rob Lowe.
152
00:06:35,499 --> 00:06:37,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ He was once
153
00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:44,498
♪ The hottest guy in 1983
154
00:06:44,499 --> 00:06:52,498
♪ And now he's still on
way too many shows on my TV ♪
155
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:56,498
♪ He went from "West Wing"
to "Parks and Rec" ♪
156
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:59,498
♪ Though we can only guess
157
00:06:59,499 --> 00:07:01,498
♪ What he'll get canceled next
158
00:07:01,499 --> 00:07:04,498
♪ Have you met
the man we're roasting? ♪
159
00:07:04,499 --> 00:07:06,498
♪ Did you see
"St. Elmo's Fire"? ♪
160
00:07:06,499 --> 00:07:08,498
♪ He's been going slowly,
tell you ♪
161
00:07:08,499 --> 00:07:10,498
♪ Since "The Outsiders"
162
00:07:10,499 --> 00:07:12,498
♪ How the hell
do you look so good ♪
163
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:14,498
♪ After all that blow?
164
00:07:14,499 --> 00:07:19,792
♪ He is the man of the hour,
his name is Rob Lowe ♪
165
00:07:20,499 --> 00:07:22,499
♪ R-o-o-ob Lowe
166
00:07:26,499 --> 00:07:28,498
Rob, good to see you.
How's it going?
167
00:07:28,499 --> 00:07:32,498
So far, so --
Talk to me at about an hour.
[ Chuckles ]
168
00:07:32,499 --> 00:07:34,498
Is this guy hot
or what?
169
00:07:34,499 --> 00:07:36,498
There's not a dry pussy
in the place.
[ Cheers and applause ]
170
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:39,498
We have a clean up
on every chick's chair.
171
00:07:39,499 --> 00:07:42,498
[ Laughter ]
172
00:07:42,499 --> 00:07:44,498
For years Rob Lowe had
a sex addiction,
173
00:07:44,499 --> 00:07:46,498
but he cured it
by getting less famous.
174
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:49,498
[ Laughter ]
175
00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:54,498
Rob was in a movie called
"The Outsiders" back in the day.
176
00:07:54,499 --> 00:07:57,498
Remember that?
[ Cheers and applause,
wolf whistle ]
177
00:07:57,499 --> 00:07:59,498
His character
was called Sodapop
178
00:07:59,499 --> 00:08:02,498
because, at the time,
Rob was 98% coke.
179
00:08:02,499 --> 00:08:06,498
[ Laughter ]
180
00:08:06,499 --> 00:08:08,498
I remember the first time
I became aware of Rob.
181
00:08:08,499 --> 00:08:10,498
I was at a casting meeting
for "Tommy Boy"
182
00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:12,498
when I came
across your head shot,
183
00:08:12,499 --> 00:08:13,498
and I do mean
"came across."
184
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:17,498
[ Laughter ]
185
00:08:17,499 --> 00:08:20,498
He's good-looking.
186
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:21,498
It's not easy being Rob.
187
00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:24,498
He said being so handsome
made it difficult
188
00:08:24,499 --> 00:08:26,498
for him
to find meaningful roles.
189
00:08:26,499 --> 00:08:28,498
I wanted to ask Brad Pitt
about that,
190
00:08:28,499 --> 00:08:30,959
but he was too busy acting
in meaningful roles.
191
00:08:31,499 --> 00:08:34,498
[ Laughter ]
192
00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:36,498
Rob's not a gay man,
193
00:08:36,499 --> 00:08:38,498
but he plays one
every moment of his life.
194
00:08:38,499 --> 00:08:42,498
[ Laughter ]
195
00:08:42,499 --> 00:08:43,499
Rob has a line
of skin-care products.
196
00:08:44,499 --> 00:08:45,498
You can buy them online.
197
00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:47,498
You won't, but you can.
198
00:08:47,499 --> 00:08:49,498
[ Laughter ]
199
00:08:49,499 --> 00:08:51,498
[ Laughs ]
200
00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:53,498
Our younger audience might not
know who you are,
201
00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:55,498
so, kids, this is
who your mom thinks about
202
00:08:55,499 --> 00:08:57,498
when she's fucking
your dad.
203
00:08:57,499 --> 00:08:59,499
[ Laughter ]
204
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:05,498
Rob was great
on "The West Wing."
205
00:09:05,499 --> 00:09:06,499
You remember that show?
206
00:09:07,084 --> 00:09:10,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
207
00:09:10,499 --> 00:09:12,498
I assume your pal Charlie Sheen
helped you with that.
208
00:09:12,499 --> 00:09:14,498
He's used to working
with "aides."
209
00:09:14,499 --> 00:09:18,498
[ Audience ohhs ]
White House aides.
210
00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:19,498
What did you g--
211
00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:23,498
Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh.
212
00:09:23,499 --> 00:09:24,498
Rob looks great for his age.
213
00:09:24,499 --> 00:09:27,498
Many people have wondered
if he's had any plastic surgery.
214
00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:28,583
Those same people
have wondered
215
00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,498
if Caitlyn Jenner has
any plastic surgery.
216
00:09:31,499 --> 00:09:32,499
[ Laughter ]
217
00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:34,834
Rob came up at a time
when a sex tape could
218
00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:36,498
really ruin your career.
219
00:09:36,499 --> 00:09:39,498
But Rob had to do it
the hard way -- with his acting.
220
00:09:39,499 --> 00:09:42,498
[ Laughter ]
221
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:45,498
Rob was in the "Austin Powers"
movie 16 years ago.
222
00:09:45,499 --> 00:09:48,498
Can you believe it's 16?
Or, as he calls it, 18.
223
00:09:48,499 --> 00:09:50,498
[ Laughter ]
224
00:09:50,499 --> 00:09:53,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
225
00:09:53,499 --> 00:09:56,498
Yeah!
226
00:09:56,499 --> 00:09:58,498
These are little jabs.
227
00:09:58,499 --> 00:10:00,498
Rob was
in "Austin Powers 2."
228
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,498
He was excited to meet the cat,
Mr. Bigglesworth,
229
00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:05,498
since it had been a while
since he'd made a movie
230
00:10:05,499 --> 00:10:06,498
with a hairless pussy.
231
00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:09,499
[ Laughter ]
232
00:10:14,499 --> 00:10:17,498
Rob has been clean
and sober for 26 years.
233
00:10:17,499 --> 00:10:18,498
To put that in perspective,
if --
234
00:10:18,499 --> 00:10:22,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right.
235
00:10:22,499 --> 00:10:24,498
26 years.
236
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:27,498
To put that in perspective,
if sobriety was a baby,
237
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:29,498
he would have fucked it
10 years ago.
238
00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:32,498
[ Laughter ]
239
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:35,499
It really makes you...
240
00:10:35,625 --> 00:10:39,498
Rob has been called
"The Comeback Kid."
241
00:10:39,499 --> 00:10:40,498
No. I read that wrong.
242
00:10:40,499 --> 00:10:42,498
Rob has come
on the back of a kid.
243
00:10:42,499 --> 00:10:44,498
That's right -- in the video.
That's right.
[ Laughter ]
244
00:10:44,499 --> 00:10:46,498
Glad we got that out of the way.
All right.
245
00:10:46,499 --> 00:10:49,498
Here we go.
246
00:10:49,499 --> 00:10:53,498
It's time
for me to stop yapping
247
00:10:53,499 --> 00:10:56,498
and to bring up
the first roaster,
248
00:10:56,499 --> 00:10:57,498
Pete Davidson.
249
00:10:57,499 --> 00:11:01,498
Pete's dad never got
to see him on "SNL"
250
00:11:01,499 --> 00:11:04,498
because he passed away
on 9/11.
251
00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:07,499
Pete's mom has never seen him
on "SNL" because she blinks.
252
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:12,498
[ Laughter ]
253
00:11:12,499 --> 00:11:14,498
Is Pete white?
Is he black?
254
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:17,498
Ann Coulter needs to know so
she can decide if she hates him.
255
00:11:17,499 --> 00:11:20,498
[ Laughter ]
256
00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:23,499
[ Cheers and applause ]
257
00:11:25,499 --> 00:11:26,498
Pete, I actually thought
you were black,
258
00:11:26,499 --> 00:11:29,418
but I guess you just have
your dad's ashy skin.
259
00:11:29,499 --> 00:11:32,498
[ Audience ohhs ]
Here he is --
Pete Davidson!
260
00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:35,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
261
00:11:35,499 --> 00:11:39,498
♪♪
262
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,498
Whoa.
263
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:42,498
Macaulay Culkin looks worse
than I thought.
264
00:11:42,499 --> 00:11:46,792
[ Laughter ]
265
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,498
[ Chuckles ]
266
00:11:49,499 --> 00:11:51,498
You know, last year,
we did Bieber,
267
00:11:51,499 --> 00:11:54,498
and now it's Rob Lowe.
268
00:11:54,499 --> 00:11:56,498
Who's next --
Flo, the Progressive Lady?
269
00:11:56,499 --> 00:12:00,498
[ Laughter ]
270
00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:02,498
David, thanks
for taking time away
271
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:05,498
from waiting for Sandler to
write "Grown Ups 3" to be here.
272
00:12:05,499 --> 00:12:09,498
[ Laughter ]
273
00:12:09,499 --> 00:12:11,498
David Spade's assistant once
tried to kill him in his sleep,
274
00:12:11,499 --> 00:12:13,498
and the world was shocked
275
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:15,498
to find out
you could afford an assistant.
276
00:12:15,499 --> 00:12:19,498
[ Laughter ]
That's not bad.
277
00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:20,498
Rob Riggle is here.
278
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:22,498
I actually really love
Rob Riggle.
279
00:12:22,499 --> 00:12:24,498
Rob -- Yeah.
Rob was as --
[ Cheers and applause ]
280
00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,498
Rob was a Marine --
281
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,498
the few, the proud --
282
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:30,498
which also describes his fans.
283
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:34,498
[ Laughter ]
284
00:12:34,499 --> 00:12:35,498
Peyton Manning is here.
285
00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:36,498
I fucking love Peyton Manning.
286
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:40,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's the shit.
287
00:12:40,499 --> 00:12:44,498
Peyton -- Peyton looks like
if football players evolved
288
00:12:44,499 --> 00:12:46,498
to no longer need helmets.
289
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,499
[ Laughter ]
290
00:12:53,499 --> 00:12:56,498
No, seriously, Peyton,
I love all your of work,
291
00:12:56,499 --> 00:12:58,498
especially when I saw you
in "The Goonies" yelling,
292
00:12:58,499 --> 00:13:00,498
"Hey, you guys!"
293
00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:06,498
[ Laughter ]
294
00:13:06,499 --> 00:13:08,498
A super bowl is
also what Peyton's mom had
295
00:13:08,499 --> 00:13:10,498
to cut his hair with
as a child.
296
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:16,498
[ Laughter ]
297
00:13:16,499 --> 00:13:18,498
Jimmy Carr is here.
298
00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:20,498
When I first met Jimmy Carr,
I thought, "Wow!
299
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,498
Jeff Dunham's puppets are
getting amazing!"
300
00:13:22,499 --> 00:13:27,498
[ Laughter ]
301
00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:30,499
Jimmy, you look like a butler
in a haunted mansion.
302
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:37,498
Nikki Glaser's here.
I'm friends with Nikki.
303
00:13:37,499 --> 00:13:40,498
So, it's -- She's very funny.
[ Cheers and applause ]
304
00:13:40,499 --> 00:13:42,498
You know, Nikki has
a show called "Not Safe,"
305
00:13:42,499 --> 00:13:44,498
though most people call it
"Not Schumer."
306
00:13:44,499 --> 00:13:47,498
[ Audience ohhs ]
307
00:13:47,499 --> 00:13:50,498
Ah, fuck you.
308
00:13:50,499 --> 00:13:53,498
Well, Ralph Macchio is here.
That's really cool, right?
309
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,498
Ralph Macchio, right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
310
00:13:57,499 --> 00:14:00,498
You may know Ralph Macchio
from saying, "Wax on, wax off,"
311
00:14:00,499 --> 00:14:02,917
if you've been to the car wash
on Melrose and La Brea.
312
00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:05,498
[ Laughter ]
313
00:14:05,499 --> 00:14:08,126
And Ann Coulter is here,
everybody.
314
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:09,498
Ann Coulter, if you're here,
315
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,498
who's scaring the crows away
from our crops?!
316
00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:18,498
[ Laughter ]
317
00:14:18,499 --> 00:14:20,498
You know, Ann describes herself
as a polemicist,
318
00:14:20,499 --> 00:14:23,498
but most people call her
a cunt.
319
00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:26,499
[ Laughter ]
320
00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:32,498
You know, last year,
we had Martha Stewart,
321
00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:34,498
who sells sheets,
and now we have Ann Coulter,
322
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,498
who cuts eyeholes in them.
323
00:14:36,499 --> 00:14:38,498
[ Laughter ]
324
00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:40,498
Uh, anyway, Jewel's here.
325
00:14:40,499 --> 00:14:42,498
Jewel, I won't make fun
of you yet
326
00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:44,498
'cause I want to give
everyone at home time
327
00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:47,498
to Google who you are.
[ Laughter ]
328
00:14:47,499 --> 00:14:50,498
My mom really wanted me
to get you to sign this.
329
00:14:50,499 --> 00:14:52,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
330
00:14:52,499 --> 00:14:54,498
I, uh -- I don't know
what the fuck it is.
331
00:14:54,499 --> 00:14:56,498
If it's a phone, it's broken,
332
00:14:56,499 --> 00:15:00,498
but she'd really appreciate
if you could sign this.
333
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:03,498
My mom came here to see you,
so, uh, yeah.
334
00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:06,498
Let's hear it
for Rob Lowe, okay? Right?
335
00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:11,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
Rob Lowe.
336
00:15:11,499 --> 00:15:14,498
Or, as gonorrhea doctors
call him, patient zero.
337
00:15:14,499 --> 00:15:16,498
[ Laughter ]
338
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,498
People call Rob Lowe
a bad actor,
339
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:20,498
but that's only because
they never saw him tell his wife
340
00:15:20,499 --> 00:15:22,498
he didn't fuck that nanny.
341
00:15:22,499 --> 00:15:25,499
[ Laughter ]
342
00:15:28,499 --> 00:15:31,498
Rob has
two beautiful kids here.
343
00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:34,498
Not his children -- They're just
guaranteed in his contract.
344
00:15:34,499 --> 00:15:36,498
[ Laughter ]
345
00:15:36,499 --> 00:15:38,498
Rob was
the first male spokesperson
346
00:15:38,499 --> 00:15:42,498
for the Lee National Denim Day,
which raises millions of dollars
347
00:15:42,499 --> 00:15:45,498
for breast-cancer research,
you know?
348
00:15:45,499 --> 00:15:47,498
That's a great thing.
It's a disease -- Yeah.
349
00:15:47,499 --> 00:15:50,498
[ Cheers and applause ]
350
00:15:50,499 --> 00:15:51,498
It's a disease that his mother,
his grandmother,
351
00:15:51,499 --> 00:15:54,498
and great-grandmother
suffered from.
352
00:15:54,499 --> 00:15:57,498
But you still fucked
a 16-year-old girl in 1988.
353
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,498
[ Laughter ]
354
00:15:59,499 --> 00:16:01,498
It doesn't change anything.
355
00:16:01,499 --> 00:16:03,498
You still did that.
356
00:16:03,499 --> 00:16:04,498
I'm coming for you.
357
00:16:04,499 --> 00:16:06,498
No, seriously, thank you
for having me here.
358
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,498
I don't know why
I'm here. I don't know
who any of you are, really.
359
00:16:08,499 --> 00:16:12,498
It's like -- I was born
after all this happened.
360
00:16:12,499 --> 00:16:15,498
But, seriously,
you've had an amazing career.
361
00:16:15,499 --> 00:16:18,498
And I'll be extremely lucky
if I'm, you know, able
362
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:21,498
to tell jokes
up here 30 years later.
363
00:16:21,499 --> 00:16:23,498
Actually, no, that would mean
I would just be Jeff Ross,
364
00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:25,498
so never mind.
[ Laughter ]
365
00:16:25,499 --> 00:16:26,498
Give it up
for Rob Lowe, everybody.
366
00:16:26,499 --> 00:16:27,498
Thank you.
367
00:16:27,499 --> 00:16:30,499
[ Cheers and applause ]
368
00:16:33,499 --> 00:16:37,498
Announcer: Coming up,
David Spade, Rob Riggle...
369
00:16:37,499 --> 00:16:38,498
I'm gonna fuck you
in the ass.
370
00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:40,498
I can't say that, can I?
371
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,499
...and Peyton Manning,
Jimmy Carr,
372
00:16:42,625 --> 00:16:45,498
Nikki Glaser,
Ralph Macchio,
373
00:16:45,499 --> 00:16:48,498
Ann Coulter, Jewel,
374
00:16:48,499 --> 00:16:50,498
and Jeff Ross...
-Where's the party at?
375
00:16:50,499 --> 00:16:52,498
...when the Roast
of Rob Lowe continues.
376
00:16:52,499 --> 00:16:54,199
I was just kidding
about the whole...
377
00:16:54,946 --> 00:16:57,246
[ Cheers and applause ]
378
00:17:03,246 --> 00:17:05,245
Up next is Rob Riggle.
379
00:17:05,246 --> 00:17:06,748
You may not know this,
380
00:17:07,246 --> 00:17:09,245
but Rob Riggle was a pilot
in the Marines
381
00:17:09,246 --> 00:17:12,245
who got shot down
at "SNL," ABC, and HBO.
382
00:17:12,246 --> 00:17:17,245
[ Laughter ]
383
00:17:17,246 --> 00:17:19,245
Things were so tough
for him at "SNL,"
384
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,245
his call time was
Sunday morning.
385
00:17:21,246 --> 00:17:24,245
[ Laughter ]
386
00:17:24,246 --> 00:17:25,245
[ Chuckling ]
Please welcome Rob Riggle.
387
00:17:25,246 --> 00:17:28,245
[ Cheers and applause ]
388
00:17:28,246 --> 00:17:31,246
♪♪
389
00:17:35,246 --> 00:17:37,245
Oh! Come on!
David Spade!
390
00:17:37,246 --> 00:17:38,245
Give it up for David Spade
tonight as our host,
391
00:17:38,246 --> 00:17:40,245
doing a great job.
392
00:17:40,246 --> 00:17:43,245
[ Cheers and applause ]
393
00:17:43,246 --> 00:17:44,245
Thanks, David, for giving me
394
00:17:44,246 --> 00:17:47,245
a copy of your autobiography
before the show.
395
00:17:47,246 --> 00:17:49,245
David always keeps a copy on him
396
00:17:49,246 --> 00:17:52,245
'cause it helps him reach
the steering wheel, honestly.
397
00:17:52,246 --> 00:17:54,245
"Tiny little baby man"
is what I'm saying!
398
00:17:54,246 --> 00:17:56,245
[ Laughter ]
399
00:17:56,246 --> 00:17:59,245
The only thing shorter
than David Spade is
400
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,245
Jewel's "Greatest Hits" album.
[ Audience ohhs ]
401
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:05,245
[Chuckles] Ohh!
Two songs! Two songs!
402
00:18:05,246 --> 00:18:08,245
"Save Your Soul"?
Eh, save your money.
403
00:18:08,246 --> 00:18:09,245
[ Laughter ]
404
00:18:09,246 --> 00:18:10,245
Who else we got?
405
00:18:10,246 --> 00:18:12,245
Holy shit!
406
00:18:12,246 --> 00:18:14,245
Is that Ann Coulter?
407
00:18:14,246 --> 00:18:18,245
Ann Coulter is here,
which can mean only one thing --
408
00:18:18,246 --> 00:18:20,245
Someone must have said
her name three times.
409
00:18:20,246 --> 00:18:22,246
Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Beetlejuice!
410
00:18:23,123 --> 00:18:25,246
[ Cheers and applause ]
411
00:18:29,246 --> 00:18:31,245
Jimmy Carr's here.
412
00:18:31,246 --> 00:18:33,245
Frigging limey.
Anyway, Jimmy's here.
413
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:36,245
He's representing
a new British invasion,
414
00:18:36,246 --> 00:18:37,245
and not the good one
with the Beatles --
415
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:39,245
the first one,
where we had to shoot them all.
416
00:18:39,246 --> 00:18:41,245
[ Chanting ]
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
417
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:45,245
[ Laughter ]
418
00:18:45,246 --> 00:18:48,245
Jeff Ross,
the Roastmaster General, huh?
419
00:18:48,246 --> 00:18:53,245
[ Cheers and applause ]
420
00:18:53,246 --> 00:18:54,246
Jeff's a regular
at the Friars Club,
421
00:18:55,081 --> 00:18:56,245
but that really shouldn't be
a surprise to anybody.
422
00:18:56,246 --> 00:18:58,246
I mean, they serve food.
[ Chuckles ]
423
00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:01,245
Fat! Ugly!
Nowhere else to go!
424
00:19:01,246 --> 00:19:04,246
[ Laughter ]
425
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,245
Pete Davidson's ugly.
426
00:19:09,246 --> 00:19:12,245
[ Laughter ]
427
00:19:12,246 --> 00:19:15,245
He's actually going
on his third year of "SNL."
428
00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:17,245
It's been a while
since I've been there,
429
00:19:17,246 --> 00:19:19,245
of course, but, uh,
you got to help me out now.
430
00:19:19,246 --> 00:19:21,245
Is it the fourth year
that they finally let you see
431
00:19:21,246 --> 00:19:23,245
an orthodontist?
432
00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:26,245
Jacked-up teeth!
[ Laughter ]
433
00:19:26,246 --> 00:19:28,245
Fix that shit!
434
00:19:28,246 --> 00:19:31,245
Jimmy Carr's got better teeth,
and he's British!
435
00:19:31,246 --> 00:19:35,245
[ Laughter ]
436
00:19:35,246 --> 00:19:37,245
And then there's "The Sheriff."
437
00:19:37,246 --> 00:19:40,245
Well, well, well...
[ Cheers and applause ]
438
00:19:40,246 --> 00:19:43,245
...old number 18,
Peyton Manning.
439
00:19:43,246 --> 00:19:44,245
[ Laughs ]
440
00:19:44,246 --> 00:19:47,245
Peyton, as you know, is
from New Orleans.
441
00:19:47,246 --> 00:19:48,245
But you might not know
this, though --
442
00:19:48,246 --> 00:19:50,245
After Katrina,
he helped displaced families
443
00:19:50,246 --> 00:19:54,245
by letting them stand
on his forehead for two days.
[ Laughter ]
444
00:19:54,246 --> 00:19:57,914
A real New Orleans saint!
445
00:19:58,246 --> 00:20:00,246
Room for everyone, folks.
446
00:20:01,039 --> 00:20:03,245
Hey, look --
It's Ralph Macchio.
447
00:20:03,246 --> 00:20:06,245
"How cool is that?"
-Yeah! Ralphie!
448
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:09,245
[ Cheers and applause ]
449
00:20:09,246 --> 00:20:10,245
...Said no one ever.
450
00:20:10,246 --> 00:20:14,245
[ Laughter ]
451
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,246
Swept the leg!
452
00:20:20,246 --> 00:20:22,245
"Karate Kid II" is
the worst sequel
453
00:20:22,246 --> 00:20:23,245
since World War II.
454
00:20:23,246 --> 00:20:25,245
[ Laughter ]
455
00:20:25,246 --> 00:20:28,245
And Pat Morita had to suffer
through both!
456
00:20:28,246 --> 00:20:32,245
Wax on! Wax off!
457
00:20:32,246 --> 00:20:34,245
Nikki Glaser has no idea
what I'm talking about right now
458
00:20:34,246 --> 00:20:36,245
because, one,
she only watches porn,
459
00:20:36,246 --> 00:20:40,245
and, two, she's never waxed
in her life.
460
00:20:40,246 --> 00:20:41,245
Hairy asshole!
461
00:20:41,246 --> 00:20:44,245
[ Laughter ]
462
00:20:44,246 --> 00:20:47,245
[ Chanting ] Big hairy asshole!
Big hairy asshole!
463
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,245
Big hairy asshole!
464
00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:51,245
[ Crowd chants
"Big hairy asshole" ]
Asshole! Thank you!
465
00:20:51,246 --> 00:20:56,245
[ Laughter ]
466
00:20:56,246 --> 00:20:58,245
I'm sorry, Jeff. I didn't mean
to make you hungry.
467
00:20:58,246 --> 00:21:01,246
[ Laughter ]
468
00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:06,245
Hey, speaking
of bleached, hairy assholes,
469
00:21:06,246 --> 00:21:10,245
let's talk about Rob Lowe
for a minute.
470
00:21:10,246 --> 00:21:13,245
Rob, in both your sex tapes,
471
00:21:13,246 --> 00:21:16,245
you appeared
with two other people.
472
00:21:16,246 --> 00:21:18,246
Good God, man, you can't
even carry a sex tape.
473
00:21:19,246 --> 00:21:25,245
[ Laughter ]
474
00:21:25,246 --> 00:21:27,245
You're like the me of sex tapes.
475
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,245
Self-deprecating!
476
00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,622
Beat you to the punch!
477
00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:32,245
Fun fact --
478
00:21:32,246 --> 00:21:36,245
Ann Coulter has
a big, angry bush.
479
00:21:36,246 --> 00:21:41,245
No joke.
That's just a fun fact.
480
00:21:41,246 --> 00:21:43,245
Rob's played many wonderful
characters in film.
481
00:21:43,246 --> 00:21:48,245
Recently, he played JFK
in the movie "Killing Kennedy."
482
00:21:48,246 --> 00:21:50,245
Jesus Christ, hasn't
that family suffered enough?
483
00:21:50,246 --> 00:21:52,245
[ Laughter ]
484
00:21:52,246 --> 00:21:54,245
Grassy knoll!
485
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:57,245
But not as grassy as
Ann Coulter's big, angry bush!
486
00:21:57,246 --> 00:21:58,246
Instant callback!
487
00:21:58,414 --> 00:22:01,246
[ Laughter ]
488
00:22:01,539 --> 00:22:04,245
[ Applause ]
489
00:22:04,246 --> 00:22:06,245
And who can forget
"Parks and Rec,"
490
00:22:06,246 --> 00:22:10,245
where Rob played a guy who
misused the word "literally"?
491
00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:12,245
Correct use of the word
would be something like --
492
00:22:12,246 --> 00:22:15,081
I don't know, um --
493
00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:20,245
"Rob Lowe has literally had sex
with everyone in this room"
494
00:22:20,246 --> 00:22:23,245
except Ann Coulter because
her bush is literally too angry!
495
00:22:23,246 --> 00:22:26,245
Yes! Three-peat!
It's a three-peat!
496
00:22:26,246 --> 00:22:28,245
They said I couldn't do it,
but I did it!
497
00:22:28,246 --> 00:22:31,245
I nailed Ann Coulter's bush
three times!
498
00:22:31,246 --> 00:22:35,245
[ Laughter, applause ]
499
00:22:35,246 --> 00:22:37,245
Rob, you're a good man
and a good friend,
500
00:22:37,246 --> 00:22:39,245
and I can't wait to see
what failed pilot
501
00:22:39,246 --> 00:22:40,245
we're gonna do together
next year.
502
00:22:40,246 --> 00:22:42,246
[ Laughter ]
503
00:22:43,246 --> 00:22:45,245
All right, folks,
I have literally
504
00:22:45,246 --> 00:22:48,245
run out of things to say
about all these scumbags.
505
00:22:48,246 --> 00:22:49,245
Everybody, Riggle out!
506
00:22:49,246 --> 00:22:51,245
Mwah! Mwah! Ah.
507
00:22:51,246 --> 00:22:54,245
[ Cheers and applause ]
508
00:22:54,246 --> 00:22:57,246
♪♪
509
00:22:59,246 --> 00:23:00,245
Announcer: Still to come...
510
00:23:00,246 --> 00:23:01,245
Ah?
511
00:23:01,246 --> 00:23:02,245
-...Jewel...
-Jewel, right here!
512
00:23:02,246 --> 00:23:05,245
Announcer: Ralph Macchio,
Jimmy Carr...
513
00:23:05,246 --> 00:23:07,245
Fucking hell,
he's handsome, though, isn't he?
514
00:23:07,246 --> 00:23:09,245
-[ Laughs ]
-...and Peyton Manning.
515
00:23:09,246 --> 00:23:11,245
-It's payback time.
-You ready for this?
516
00:23:11,246 --> 00:23:13,245
I don't think
you're read for this.
517
00:23:13,246 --> 00:23:14,546
This may be the last time
you ever seen me alive.
518
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
519
00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:21,660
♪♪
520
00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:25,659
Thank you, guys.
521
00:23:25,660 --> 00:23:29,659
Coming to the podium next is the
beautiful and talented Jewel.
522
00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:31,659
She was born in Alaska,
523
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,659
and for the last 20 years,
her career has been on ice.
524
00:23:33,660 --> 00:23:35,659
[ Laughter ]
525
00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:37,659
Jewel grew up
in a house with no plumbing,
526
00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:39,659
so she turned her shit
into music.
527
00:23:39,660 --> 00:23:43,659
[ Laughter ]
528
00:23:43,660 --> 00:23:45,659
[ Laughs ]
529
00:23:45,660 --> 00:23:47,659
She'll be leaving
right after the show,
530
00:23:47,660 --> 00:23:50,659
but her tooth is gonna hang out.
Please welcome Jewel!
531
00:23:50,660 --> 00:23:53,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
532
00:23:53,660 --> 00:23:55,659
♪♪
533
00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:56,660
Thank you.
534
00:24:01,203 --> 00:24:02,659
Jewel: Thank you.
535
00:24:02,660 --> 00:24:06,659
[ Cheers and applause
intensify ]
536
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,659
[ Guitar strums ]
537
00:24:08,660 --> 00:24:11,659
Thank you so much.
It is an honor to be here.
538
00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:14,659
Um, I do want to say,
first of all, as a feminist,
539
00:24:14,660 --> 00:24:15,659
I can't support everything
540
00:24:15,660 --> 00:24:17,659
that's being said
up here tonight.
541
00:24:17,660 --> 00:24:19,659
But, uh, as somebody
that hates Ann Coulter,
542
00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:21,659
I'm delighted, so...
543
00:24:21,660 --> 00:24:24,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
544
00:24:24,660 --> 00:24:27,660
[ Soft guitar music plays ]
545
00:24:29,660 --> 00:24:31,660
[ Clears throat ]
546
00:24:34,660 --> 00:24:37,659
It is nice
to see my friend David Spade.
547
00:24:37,660 --> 00:24:39,370
You guys are well aware --
548
00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:41,659
His assistant once
tried to murder him,
which -- I don't know.
549
00:24:41,660 --> 00:24:44,579
I guess the stress of answering
the phone twice a month
550
00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:45,659
finally got to him.
551
00:24:45,660 --> 00:24:47,659
[ Laughter ]
552
00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:49,659
That would be hard.
That would be hard.
553
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:53,659
[ Soft guitar music plays ]
554
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,659
David Spade,
amazingly, has slept
555
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:58,659
with some of the most beautiful
actresses in Hollywood,
556
00:24:58,660 --> 00:25:02,659
proving just how ugly
show business makes women feel.
557
00:25:02,660 --> 00:25:04,659
[ Audience ohhs ]
558
00:25:04,660 --> 00:25:09,659
[ Laughter and applause ]
559
00:25:09,660 --> 00:25:14,659
And look at this
little nugget -- Pete Davidson.
560
00:25:14,660 --> 00:25:16,660
It's hard to recognize him
when he's not on "SNL"
561
00:25:17,579 --> 00:25:19,659
or on an adventure with
the Man in the Yellow Hat.
562
00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:22,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
563
00:25:22,660 --> 00:25:24,660
[ Chuckles ]
564
00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:29,659
[ Guitar strums ]
565
00:25:29,660 --> 00:25:32,659
And Ralph Macchio is here.
566
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:34,659
Who doesn't love Ralph Macchio?
[ Cheering ]
567
00:25:34,660 --> 00:25:36,659
Bill collectors...
[ Laughter ]
568
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:39,659
and actual karate masters
and -- I don't know --
569
00:25:39,660 --> 00:25:42,659
real actors and Italians.
570
00:25:42,660 --> 00:25:45,659
You know...people, so...
571
00:25:45,660 --> 00:25:47,659
[ Laughter ]
572
00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:50,659
[ Guitar strumming ]
573
00:25:50,660 --> 00:25:52,659
And there's Rob Riggle.
574
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:54,659
Rob, you look like every dad
575
00:25:54,660 --> 00:25:56,659
who can't handle having
a gay son.
576
00:25:56,660 --> 00:25:58,659
You just -- just...
577
00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:01,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
578
00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:04,659
It's just what comes to mind.
I don't know.
579
00:26:04,660 --> 00:26:05,828
[ Chuckles ]
580
00:26:07,660 --> 00:26:09,659
And Peyton Manning is here
581
00:26:09,660 --> 00:26:12,659
because Eli is still out there
making his dad proud.
582
00:26:12,660 --> 00:26:15,659
[ Audience ohhs ]
583
00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:18,659
[ Applause ]
584
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,659
[ Soft guitar music plays ]
585
00:26:20,660 --> 00:26:24,659
Jeff Ross is gonna party
like it's 1999.
586
00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:26,659
Ann Coulter is going
to vote like it's 1899.
587
00:26:26,660 --> 00:26:29,659
[ Laughter ]
588
00:26:29,660 --> 00:26:31,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
589
00:26:31,660 --> 00:26:35,659
[ Chuckles ]
590
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:36,659
Ann, you do look great, though.
591
00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:40,659
You're almost as thin
as Donald Trump's chance
of winning the election,
592
00:26:40,660 --> 00:26:44,660
so that's...cool.
[ Cheers and applause ]
593
00:26:47,660 --> 00:26:49,659
Actually,
you wouldn't believe this --
594
00:26:49,660 --> 00:26:52,659
It's really a small world
because, last week,
595
00:26:52,660 --> 00:26:55,659
I was behind Ann Coulter
in line at Chipotle,
596
00:26:55,660 --> 00:26:57,659
and she ordered something
to go --
597
00:26:57,660 --> 00:26:59,659
the entire kitchen staff.
[ Audience ohhs ]
598
00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:01,659
She was like, "Leave..."
599
00:27:01,660 --> 00:27:05,659
[ Laughter ]
600
00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:07,659
"...the country."
601
00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:09,659
[ Guitar strums ]
[ Chuckles ]
602
00:27:09,660 --> 00:27:11,659
What's weird is,
believe it or not,
603
00:27:11,660 --> 00:27:13,659
gay men love Ann Coulter.
604
00:27:13,660 --> 00:27:16,659
It's because two seconds
into hearing her speak,
605
00:27:16,660 --> 00:27:19,659
they remember
why they hate pussy.
606
00:27:19,660 --> 00:27:21,659
[ Guitar strums ]
[ Laughter ]
607
00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:22,660
[ Laughs ]
608
00:27:26,660 --> 00:27:28,659
Speaking of pussy...
609
00:27:28,660 --> 00:27:30,579
Rob Lowe.
610
00:27:30,660 --> 00:27:32,659
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
611
00:27:32,660 --> 00:27:36,659
People may be wondering
what my connection is to Rob.
612
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:40,659
Well, years ago, I was cast
in a show called "Lyon's Den."
613
00:27:40,660 --> 00:27:43,659
I'm sure none of you saw it
because it starred Rob Lowe.
614
00:27:43,660 --> 00:27:45,659
But anyway,
615
00:27:45,660 --> 00:27:48,659
the first script said that Rob
and I were supposed to kiss,
616
00:27:48,660 --> 00:27:49,659
and I asked them
if they could rewrite it
617
00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:51,659
so I wouldn't have to
618
00:27:51,660 --> 00:27:53,659
because I knew
where that mouth had been.
619
00:27:53,660 --> 00:27:56,659
But they said no,
and I had to do it.
620
00:27:56,660 --> 00:27:59,659
So, years later,
Rob wrote in his memoir
621
00:27:59,660 --> 00:28:01,453
that I was
the only girl in history
622
00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:03,659
who did not want
to kiss Rob Lowe.
623
00:28:03,660 --> 00:28:05,659
He talked about it
on his book tour.
624
00:28:05,660 --> 00:28:07,659
He bitched about it
on "Howard Stern."
625
00:28:07,660 --> 00:28:11,659
He even made out with Ellen
to show her what it was like.
626
00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:13,659
Yeah.
627
00:28:13,660 --> 00:28:15,659
Well, that part
I actually kind of understood
628
00:28:15,660 --> 00:28:18,659
because kissing him did make me
feel like a lesbian.
629
00:28:18,660 --> 00:28:19,659
Um...
[ Laughter ]
630
00:28:19,660 --> 00:28:23,659
[ Guitar strums ]
631
00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:25,659
So, Rob, I know
you've always wondered
632
00:28:25,660 --> 00:28:27,659
why I didn't kiss you that day.
633
00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:30,659
So tonight,
I will tell you why...in song.
634
00:28:30,660 --> 00:28:34,660
[ Cheers and applause,
soft guitar music plays ]
635
00:28:43,660 --> 00:28:49,659
♪ Rob was so shocked
on "The Lyon's Den" ♪
636
00:28:49,660 --> 00:28:53,659
♪ When I did not want
to kiss him ♪
637
00:28:53,660 --> 00:28:58,659
♪ You see the problem, Rob, is
you're such a whore ♪
638
00:28:58,660 --> 00:29:00,659
♪ You completely forgot
639
00:29:00,660 --> 00:29:02,660
♪ We hooked up before
640
00:29:03,287 --> 00:29:06,659
♪ 'Cause you showed me
641
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:09,659
♪ Your penis
642
00:29:09,660 --> 00:29:13,659
♪ When I was just 16-ish
643
00:29:13,660 --> 00:29:17,659
♪ Back in 1988
644
00:29:17,660 --> 00:29:23,659
♪ I was that girl
on your sex tape ♪
645
00:29:23,660 --> 00:29:26,659
♪ Maybe you missed my name
646
00:29:26,660 --> 00:29:33,659
♪ 'Cause you were high
on so much cocaine ♪
647
00:29:33,660 --> 00:29:36,659
♪ Out of all your films
648
00:29:36,660 --> 00:29:39,659
♪ I'm the best thing
you were ever in ♪
649
00:29:39,660 --> 00:29:41,660
[ Laughter ]
650
00:29:42,495 --> 00:29:44,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
651
00:29:44,660 --> 00:29:48,659
♪ Yeah, in his whole career
652
00:29:48,660 --> 00:29:55,659
♪ I'm the best thing
Rob Lowe has ever been in ♪
653
00:29:55,660 --> 00:29:59,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
654
00:29:59,660 --> 00:30:01,660
And that's why I didn't want
to kiss you, you son of a bitch!
655
00:30:01,953 --> 00:30:04,659
[ Song ends ]
Thank you. Good night.
656
00:30:04,660 --> 00:30:07,659
[ Cheers and applause ]
657
00:30:07,660 --> 00:30:10,660
♪♪
658
00:30:14,660 --> 00:30:16,659
Announcer:
Up next, Jimmy Carr.
659
00:30:16,660 --> 00:30:19,659
So, I guess you finally got
the bottom of that barrel clean.
660
00:30:19,660 --> 00:30:20,659
Well, they booked me.
661
00:30:20,660 --> 00:30:23,659
Announcer:
And later, Peyton Manning...
662
00:30:23,660 --> 00:30:25,659
"Rob, stick to your day job.
Thanks for having me.
663
00:30:25,660 --> 00:30:26,660
All our best."
664
00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:29,659
-...Nikki Glaser...
-I'm falling off the wagon.
665
00:30:29,660 --> 00:30:32,659
...when the Comedy Central
Roast of Rob Lowe continues.
666
00:30:32,660 --> 00:30:34,660
-Jewel -- So fucking good.
-[ Laughs ]
667
00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:37,899
[ Cheers and applause ]
668
00:30:37,900 --> 00:30:40,900
♪♪
669
00:30:43,900 --> 00:30:45,899
Jewel, holy shit.
670
00:30:45,900 --> 00:30:46,899
Jewel brought it tonight.
671
00:30:46,900 --> 00:30:50,899
[ Cheers and applause ]
Great job.
672
00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:52,899
All right, let's keep it going.
673
00:30:52,900 --> 00:30:55,899
If you don't know
who Jimmy Carr is,
674
00:30:55,900 --> 00:30:57,899
he's a comic who sells out
theaters in England,
675
00:30:57,900 --> 00:31:00,899
Hong Kong, Thailand,
and Australia.
676
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:01,899
There's a name for that
in America --
677
00:31:01,900 --> 00:31:03,899
opening act.
678
00:31:03,900 --> 00:31:04,899
[ Laughter ]
679
00:31:04,900 --> 00:31:07,899
Jimmy's like soccer --
He's huge in England,
680
00:31:07,900 --> 00:31:09,899
but everyone in America
just thinks he's kind of gay.
681
00:31:09,900 --> 00:31:11,899
[ Laughter ]
682
00:31:11,900 --> 00:31:13,899
He looks like
his dick wears a monocle.
683
00:31:13,900 --> 00:31:15,899
Here he is -- Jimmy Carr!
684
00:31:15,900 --> 00:31:18,899
[ Applause ]
685
00:31:18,900 --> 00:31:21,900
♪♪
686
00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:26,899
David Spade, our host this
evening, doing a fabulous job.
687
00:31:26,900 --> 00:31:31,899
[ Cheers and applause ]
688
00:31:31,900 --> 00:31:33,899
You look like
a female Ellen DeGeneres.
689
00:31:33,900 --> 00:31:37,899
[ Laughter ]
690
00:31:37,900 --> 00:31:39,899
David is perhaps best known
for his work
691
00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:42,899
with comedy legend Chris Farley.
692
00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:48,899
[ Cheers and applause ]
693
00:31:48,900 --> 00:31:51,899
Tragically, Chris Farley died
when his heart stopped
694
00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:54,899
due to a lethal combination
of heroin, cocaine,
695
00:31:54,900 --> 00:31:57,899
and the stress of carrying
David Spade through two movies.
696
00:31:57,900 --> 00:31:59,899
[ Laughter ]
697
00:31:59,900 --> 00:32:02,899
[ Whistle ]
698
00:32:02,900 --> 00:32:05,899
[ Laughter ]
699
00:32:05,900 --> 00:32:07,899
Peyton Manning is here.
700
00:32:07,900 --> 00:32:09,899
[ Cheers and applause ]
701
00:32:09,900 --> 00:32:12,899
Obviously, I don't know much
about American football,
702
00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:13,899
but I'm told
Peyton Manning is one
703
00:32:13,900 --> 00:32:15,899
of the top three quarterbacks
704
00:32:15,900 --> 00:32:16,984
in his family.
705
00:32:17,900 --> 00:32:20,110
[ Laughter ]
706
00:32:24,900 --> 00:32:26,899
Peyton, you look like
707
00:32:26,900 --> 00:32:28,899
if a kid with Down Syndrome
wished he was big.
708
00:32:28,900 --> 00:32:31,900
[ Laughter ]
709
00:32:37,900 --> 00:32:40,899
Peyton had a long and
prestigious career in the NFL.
710
00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:43,899
He played with some of the
all time greatest
711
00:32:43,900 --> 00:32:45,899
rapists, murderers,
and wife beaters.
712
00:32:45,900 --> 00:32:47,899
[ Laughter ]
713
00:32:47,900 --> 00:32:49,900
Come on, the only people
who get more concussions
714
00:32:49,984 --> 00:32:52,899
than NFL players are
their wives.
715
00:32:52,900 --> 00:32:57,899
[ Audience ohhs ]
716
00:32:57,900 --> 00:33:00,899
[ Cheers and applause ]
717
00:33:00,900 --> 00:33:04,899
Rob Riggle claims
he used to be a Marine.
718
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:06,899
But he also claims
he's now a comedian,
719
00:33:06,900 --> 00:33:07,900
so I don't know what to believe.
720
00:33:08,735 --> 00:33:12,899
[ Laughter ]
721
00:33:12,900 --> 00:33:14,899
Rob served in Afghanistan
722
00:33:14,900 --> 00:33:16,899
before becoming
a stand-up comic.
723
00:33:16,900 --> 00:33:19,899
Then, the real bombing began.
724
00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:21,900
[ Laughter ]
725
00:33:25,900 --> 00:33:28,899
Nikki Glaser is here --
one of my favorites.
726
00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:30,899
[ Light cheers and applause ]
727
00:33:30,900 --> 00:33:32,899
On Nikki's Comedy Central show
"Not Safe,"
728
00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:36,899
she found out
her father is hung like a horse.
729
00:33:36,900 --> 00:33:37,899
And we found out
730
00:33:37,900 --> 00:33:40,899
Nikki inherited her face
from her dad's dick.
731
00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:43,900
[ Laughter ]
732
00:33:48,900 --> 00:33:49,899
Pete Davidson's here.
733
00:33:49,900 --> 00:33:51,899
[ Applause ]
734
00:33:51,900 --> 00:33:53,899
I'm appalled
that people would come here
735
00:33:53,900 --> 00:33:55,899
and make jokes
about the sacrifice
736
00:33:55,900 --> 00:33:57,899
Pete's heroic father made
on 9/11.
737
00:33:57,900 --> 00:34:00,899
This is not the roast
of Pete Davidson's father.
738
00:34:00,900 --> 00:34:02,899
That was in 2001.
739
00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:06,360
[ Audience ohhs ]
740
00:34:06,900 --> 00:34:07,899
-Oh, that was dope.
-Wow.
741
00:34:07,900 --> 00:34:11,899
Wow.
-That's a good one.
742
00:34:11,900 --> 00:34:13,899
Ann Coulter.
743
00:34:13,900 --> 00:34:14,899
Here we go.
744
00:34:14,900 --> 00:34:17,900
[ Cheers and applause ]
745
00:34:22,900 --> 00:34:24,899
Ann Coulter is
one of the most repugnant,
746
00:34:24,900 --> 00:34:27,899
hateful,
hatchet-faced bitches alive.
747
00:34:27,900 --> 00:34:29,899
[ Cheering ]
But --
748
00:34:29,900 --> 00:34:31,899
But it's not to late
to change, Ann.
749
00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:33,899
You could kill yourself.
750
00:34:33,900 --> 00:34:36,900
[ Audience ohhs,
laughter, applause ]
751
00:34:41,900 --> 00:34:45,899
Ann Coulter looks so much like
a truck-stop transvestite whore
752
00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:49,899
that I saw Jeff Ross run
to an ATM just before the show.
753
00:34:49,900 --> 00:34:51,900
[ Cheers and applause ]
754
00:34:59,900 --> 00:35:01,899
Ann Coulter's pussy...
755
00:35:01,900 --> 00:35:05,899
[ Laughter ]
756
00:35:05,900 --> 00:35:07,899
Seriously, this gets classy.
757
00:35:07,900 --> 00:35:09,899
[ Laughter ]
758
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:13,899
Ann Coulter's pussy is
now so old and dry
759
00:35:13,900 --> 00:35:16,899
that it's just got a job drawing
cartoons for The New Yorker.
760
00:35:16,900 --> 00:35:19,900
[ Laughter ]
761
00:35:22,900 --> 00:35:25,899
Ralph Macchio.
Uh...
762
00:35:25,900 --> 00:35:27,899
Obviously,
not the first choice
763
00:35:27,900 --> 00:35:30,899
of Rob's '80s co-stars
to be here tonight.
764
00:35:30,900 --> 00:35:31,899
But Tom Cruise is too famous,
765
00:35:31,900 --> 00:35:34,899
and Patrick Swayze isn't
answering his phone.
766
00:35:34,900 --> 00:35:37,900
[ Laughter ]
767
00:35:42,900 --> 00:35:43,899
When Comedy Central was
putting together the line-up
768
00:35:43,900 --> 00:35:45,899
for tonight,
Ralph Macchio's name was
769
00:35:45,900 --> 00:35:47,899
at the very top of the list,
770
00:35:47,900 --> 00:35:50,899
and that list was marked
"worst-case scenario."
771
00:35:50,900 --> 00:35:53,899
[ Laughter ]
772
00:35:53,900 --> 00:35:56,899
Jewel.
773
00:35:56,900 --> 00:35:57,899
Hm.
774
00:35:57,900 --> 00:35:59,899
[ Laughter ]
775
00:35:59,900 --> 00:36:03,899
Jewel has an incredible voice,
an incredible body,
776
00:36:03,900 --> 00:36:05,899
and a face.
777
00:36:05,900 --> 00:36:08,899
[ Laughter ]
778
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:11,900
[ Cheers and applause ]
779
00:36:12,900 --> 00:36:15,899
Jeff Ross --
Jeff is called the Roastmaster
780
00:36:15,900 --> 00:36:17,899
because he works in a Starbucks.
781
00:36:17,900 --> 00:36:20,900
[ Laughter ]
782
00:36:24,900 --> 00:36:27,899
Jeff Ross is what
cancer patients would look like
783
00:36:27,900 --> 00:36:29,899
if chemotherapy was
cream-filled.
784
00:36:29,900 --> 00:36:31,900
[ Laughter ]
785
00:36:35,900 --> 00:36:37,900
[ Stifled laugh ]
786
00:36:39,900 --> 00:36:42,899
And so we come
to the iconic Rob Lowe.
787
00:36:42,900 --> 00:36:45,900
[ Cheers and applause ]
788
00:36:47,900 --> 00:36:49,899
Rob Lowe is like a Ken doll.
789
00:36:49,900 --> 00:36:51,899
He's plastic
and often the first thing
790
00:36:51,900 --> 00:36:53,899
to enter
a teenage girl's vagina.
791
00:36:53,900 --> 00:36:56,900
[ Audience groans,
light laughter ]
792
00:37:02,900 --> 00:37:05,899
Underage girls always felt safe
making sex tapes with Rob
793
00:37:05,900 --> 00:37:07,899
because they knew
no one would ever watch
794
00:37:07,900 --> 00:37:09,899
a movie starring Rob Lowe.
795
00:37:09,900 --> 00:37:11,899
[ Laughter ]
796
00:37:11,900 --> 00:37:14,899
Rob has been involved
in four lawsuits
797
00:37:14,900 --> 00:37:16,899
with former nannies.
798
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:17,899
Rob says he didn't fuck
those nannies,
799
00:37:17,900 --> 00:37:20,899
and I believe him because
he's either telling the truth
800
00:37:20,900 --> 00:37:22,900
or he's the best actor
in the world.
801
00:37:23,235 --> 00:37:28,899
[ Laughter, applause ]
802
00:37:28,900 --> 00:37:30,899
It's been an honor
being here tonight.
803
00:37:30,900 --> 00:37:32,899
My friends back at home
aren't gonna believe me
804
00:37:32,900 --> 00:37:34,899
when I tell them I got to roast
805
00:37:34,900 --> 00:37:36,899
Charlie Sheen's
brother's friend.
806
00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:39,899
[ Laughter ]
807
00:37:39,900 --> 00:37:42,899
[ Applause ]
808
00:37:42,900 --> 00:37:45,899
And I have to thank Rob Lowe --
what a top man allowing us
809
00:37:45,900 --> 00:37:46,899
to say such horrible things
810
00:37:46,900 --> 00:37:49,899
right to where his face used
to be.
811
00:37:49,900 --> 00:37:50,899
[ Laughter ]
812
00:37:50,900 --> 00:37:52,068
Thanks very much.
Good night.
813
00:37:52,900 --> 00:37:55,193
[ Cheers and applause ]
814
00:37:55,900 --> 00:37:57,900
♪♪
815
00:38:02,900 --> 00:38:04,899
Announcer:
Up next, Peyton Manning.
816
00:38:04,900 --> 00:38:06,899
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
817
00:38:06,900 --> 00:38:08,899
Announcer:
Plus, later, Ralph Macchio.
818
00:38:08,900 --> 00:38:11,899
"Stay gold" bringing the gold.
Right here.
Right here.
819
00:38:11,900 --> 00:38:13,899
Announcer: And Rob fucking Lowe
gets his revenge.
820
00:38:13,900 --> 00:38:15,700
Let's do it.
821
00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
822
00:38:18,260 --> 00:38:24,259
♪♪
823
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:27,259
You guys, Peyton Manning is
here physically.
824
00:38:27,260 --> 00:38:30,259
[ Cheering ]
825
00:38:30,260 --> 00:38:32,259
No, come on.
We love Peyton Manning.
826
00:38:32,260 --> 00:38:33,259
We're lucky to have him tonight.
827
00:38:33,260 --> 00:38:36,259
I'll never forget
Peyton's career.
828
00:38:36,260 --> 00:38:37,259
Sadly, he will.
829
00:38:37,260 --> 00:38:39,259
[ Audience ohhs ]
830
00:38:39,260 --> 00:38:41,260
[ Laughs ]
831
00:38:43,260 --> 00:38:44,260
He may be
the only person up here
832
00:38:45,260 --> 00:38:47,259
who's been given more head
than Rob Lowe.
833
00:38:47,260 --> 00:38:49,259
Please welcome Peyton Manning!
834
00:38:49,260 --> 00:38:52,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
835
00:38:52,260 --> 00:38:55,260
♪♪
836
00:38:57,260 --> 00:38:59,259
Thank you.
837
00:38:59,260 --> 00:39:01,259
Thank you.
Thank you.
838
00:39:01,260 --> 00:39:04,259
Thanks.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause
intensify ]
839
00:39:04,260 --> 00:39:06,259
Oh, wow. Thank you.
840
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:08,259
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
841
00:39:08,260 --> 00:39:11,259
Thank you.
842
00:39:11,260 --> 00:39:13,260
Thank you.
843
00:39:14,260 --> 00:39:16,259
Thank you.
844
00:39:16,260 --> 00:39:19,259
That's good.
Thank you.
845
00:39:19,260 --> 00:39:20,259
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
846
00:39:20,260 --> 00:39:22,259
Thank you, David.
847
00:39:22,260 --> 00:39:23,259
For your first roast,
848
00:39:23,260 --> 00:39:25,259
this has got to be
really exciting for you.
849
00:39:25,260 --> 00:39:27,259
Your performance
so far reminds me
850
00:39:27,260 --> 00:39:28,260
of my rookie year in the NFL,
851
00:39:28,511 --> 00:39:31,259
when I threw
a league high 28 interceptions
852
00:39:31,260 --> 00:39:33,259
and had absolutely no clue
what I was doing.
853
00:39:33,260 --> 00:39:35,259
[ Laughter ]
854
00:39:35,260 --> 00:39:38,259
As we all know, I followed
in my father's footsteps,
855
00:39:38,260 --> 00:39:40,259
but, David, you forged
a path on your own.
856
00:39:40,260 --> 00:39:43,259
I know you wanted to follow
in your dad's footsteps,
857
00:39:43,260 --> 00:39:45,260
but he snuck
out of the house so carefully
858
00:39:46,220 --> 00:39:47,259
he didn't leave any tracks.
859
00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:49,259
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God.
860
00:39:49,260 --> 00:39:50,259
Peyton!
861
00:39:50,260 --> 00:39:52,259
Peyton Manning
bringing it!
862
00:39:52,260 --> 00:39:54,259
He's bringing it!
863
00:39:54,260 --> 00:39:56,259
But you did it anyway, David.
864
00:39:56,260 --> 00:39:58,259
You went out
and got a business degree
865
00:39:58,260 --> 00:40:00,259
from Arizona State...
866
00:40:00,260 --> 00:40:02,259
[ Laughter ]
867
00:40:02,260 --> 00:40:04,259
although, to be fair,
I think we all know
868
00:40:04,260 --> 00:40:06,720
that a business degree
from Arizona State is
869
00:40:07,260 --> 00:40:09,845
just a bar towel
that says, "You read good."
870
00:40:10,260 --> 00:40:12,970
[ Laughter ]
871
00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:15,259
[ Applause ]
Woman:
Love you, Peyton!
872
00:40:15,260 --> 00:40:17,259
Speaking of reading,
I recently read Spade's memoir,
873
00:40:17,260 --> 00:40:19,259
"Almost Interesting."
874
00:40:19,260 --> 00:40:22,259
Actually, I'm lying --
You really think the first book
875
00:40:22,260 --> 00:40:24,259
I picked up in 20 years is
gonna be by the guy
876
00:40:24,260 --> 00:40:26,259
who played Dickie Roberts,
former child star?
877
00:40:26,260 --> 00:40:28,259
[ Laughter ]
I don't think so.
878
00:40:28,260 --> 00:40:31,259
What the fuck?
879
00:40:31,260 --> 00:40:32,260
No, Peyton.
880
00:40:32,428 --> 00:40:36,259
By the way, David, that title,
"Almost Interesting" --
881
00:40:36,260 --> 00:40:38,259
Talk about false advertising.
[ Laughter ]
882
00:40:38,260 --> 00:40:41,259
Now, if you wanted to be honest,
you should have called it
883
00:40:41,260 --> 00:40:43,259
"Almost Tall Enough
to Ride a Roller Coaster."
884
00:40:43,260 --> 00:40:46,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
885
00:40:46,260 --> 00:40:48,259
I'll take it.
886
00:40:48,260 --> 00:40:51,259
[ To the tune of the
Nationwide jingle ]
♪ David Spade is dumb
and short ♪
887
00:40:51,260 --> 00:40:53,259
[ Laughter ]
888
00:40:53,260 --> 00:40:54,259
Sorry.
[ Cheers and applause ]
889
00:40:54,260 --> 00:40:56,259
Bad habit. Sorry.
I already know.
890
00:40:56,260 --> 00:40:59,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
891
00:40:59,260 --> 00:41:00,259
It's just a habit.
892
00:41:00,260 --> 00:41:03,259
It's a bad habit.
I'm sorry.
893
00:41:03,260 --> 00:41:07,259
Jeff Ross, I love
that new hairstyle, pal.
894
00:41:07,260 --> 00:41:08,259
It makes it so much easier
895
00:41:08,260 --> 00:41:10,259
for women to describe you
to the cops.
896
00:41:10,260 --> 00:41:12,259
[ Laughter ]
897
00:41:12,260 --> 00:41:16,259
Now all they have to say is,
"He looked like fat Pitbull."
898
00:41:16,260 --> 00:41:19,259
[ Laughter ]
899
00:41:19,260 --> 00:41:22,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
900
00:41:22,260 --> 00:41:24,259
Wow.
901
00:41:24,260 --> 00:41:25,259
I just realized that I am not
902
00:41:25,260 --> 00:41:27,259
the only athlete
up here tonight.
903
00:41:27,260 --> 00:41:29,259
As you all know,
earlier this year,
904
00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:31,259
Ann Coulter won
the Kentucky Derby.
905
00:41:31,260 --> 00:41:34,259
[ Laughter ]
906
00:41:34,260 --> 00:41:39,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
You're not laughing.
907
00:41:39,260 --> 00:41:42,259
Congrats on that, Ann.
Great job.
908
00:41:42,260 --> 00:41:44,259
Holy cow.
Stay gold, Ponyboy.
909
00:41:44,260 --> 00:41:47,259
It's Ralph Macchio.
910
00:41:47,260 --> 00:41:49,259
I'm a big fan, Ralph.
911
00:41:49,260 --> 00:41:51,259
"The Outsiders,"
"My Cousin Vinny,"
912
00:41:51,260 --> 00:41:52,259
"The Karate Kid" --
913
00:41:52,260 --> 00:41:54,259
Remember when Mr. Miyagi
taught you that crane kick?
914
00:41:54,260 --> 00:41:56,259
Gosh, was that awesome.
915
00:41:56,260 --> 00:41:59,259
It was even more awesome seeing
you do it backstage to
916
00:41:59,260 --> 00:42:01,259
a vending machine
that ate your dollar.
917
00:42:01,260 --> 00:42:06,259
[ Laughter ]
918
00:42:06,260 --> 00:42:08,259
But I got to tell you,
I got to tell you --
919
00:42:08,260 --> 00:42:12,259
I have no idea who the rest
of you guys up here are.
920
00:42:12,260 --> 00:42:14,259
I mean, I've been sitting
up here tonight
921
00:42:14,260 --> 00:42:15,259
with all these folks
that no one's ever heard of,
922
00:42:15,260 --> 00:42:17,259
thinking to myself,
"Did I just get traded
923
00:42:17,260 --> 00:42:19,259
to the Jacksonville Jaguars?"
924
00:42:19,260 --> 00:42:22,260
[ Cheers and applause ]
925
00:42:26,260 --> 00:42:27,260
I mean, this dais --
Come on.
926
00:42:28,053 --> 00:42:29,259
They had to fly in
some weirdo from England
927
00:42:29,260 --> 00:42:31,259
just to get enough guys up here.
928
00:42:31,260 --> 00:42:32,259
[ Laughter ]
929
00:42:32,260 --> 00:42:35,259
No offense, weirdo.
It's Jimmy Carr, right?
930
00:42:35,260 --> 00:42:37,260
That's your name?
Welcome to America.
931
00:42:38,260 --> 00:42:39,259
[ Laughter ]
932
00:42:39,260 --> 00:42:42,259
I know you guys use words
differently there.
933
00:42:42,260 --> 00:42:44,259
Like, for example, in England,
"football" means "soccer,"
934
00:42:44,260 --> 00:42:46,259
and here in America,
"Jimmy Carr" means,
935
00:42:46,260 --> 00:42:48,259
"We couldn't get Russell Brand."
936
00:42:48,260 --> 00:42:51,259
[ Laughter ]
937
00:42:51,260 --> 00:42:55,259
[ Applause ]
938
00:42:55,260 --> 00:42:57,259
I just met this guy
Pete Davidson backstage
939
00:42:57,260 --> 00:42:59,259
before the show --
a great guy.
940
00:42:59,260 --> 00:43:00,259
He asked to take
a picture with me,
941
00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:02,259
and I didn't even realize
he was one of the comedians.
942
00:43:02,260 --> 00:43:04,259
I told him,
"Don't give up, kid.
943
00:43:04,260 --> 00:43:07,259
Whatever disease you have,
you can beat it."
944
00:43:07,260 --> 00:43:10,259
[ Laughter ]
945
00:43:10,260 --> 00:43:11,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
946
00:43:11,260 --> 00:43:14,259
Davidson: Guys.
947
00:43:14,260 --> 00:43:16,259
Guys, that's
the Super Bowl king.
948
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:17,259
That's
the Super Bowl king.
949
00:43:17,260 --> 00:43:19,259
Yes.
950
00:43:19,260 --> 00:43:21,259
But enough
about these benchwarmers.
951
00:43:21,260 --> 00:43:23,259
You guys didn't
come here tonight
952
00:43:23,260 --> 00:43:24,259
to find out about these losers.
953
00:43:24,260 --> 00:43:26,260
You came here tonight
to find out
954
00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:29,259
why in the heck
I came here tonight.
955
00:43:29,260 --> 00:43:32,259
[ Cheering ]
Well, five years ago,
956
00:43:32,260 --> 00:43:37,259
ESPN NFL insider
Rob Lowe here tweeted out
957
00:43:37,260 --> 00:43:42,259
to the entire world that I was
retiring from football.
958
00:43:42,260 --> 00:43:46,259
Not five months ago,
when I actually did retire,
959
00:43:46,260 --> 00:43:50,259
but five years ago,
Sodapop Curtis tweeted
960
00:43:50,260 --> 00:43:51,386
that I was done,
961
00:43:52,260 --> 00:43:55,553
finished.
962
00:43:56,260 --> 00:43:59,259
I mean, Rob, I never tried
to ruin your big moments.
963
00:43:59,260 --> 00:44:01,259
I didn't tell people
when "The Grinder" got canceled
964
00:44:01,260 --> 00:44:03,259
or when "Dr. Vegas" got canceled
965
00:44:03,260 --> 00:44:05,259
or when "Lyon's Den"
got canceled
966
00:44:05,260 --> 00:44:08,259
or when "Moonbeam City"
got canceled
967
00:44:08,260 --> 00:44:12,259
or when your DirectTV
commercials got canceled.
968
00:44:12,260 --> 00:44:14,259
Heck, I was just thinking,
had you been quarterback
969
00:44:14,260 --> 00:44:15,259
for the Broncos last year,
970
00:44:15,260 --> 00:44:17,259
the freaking Super Bowl
would have been canceled.
971
00:44:17,260 --> 00:44:18,259
[ Laughter ]
972
00:44:18,260 --> 00:44:23,259
In fact, the only thing you're
consistently on is Twitter,
973
00:44:23,260 --> 00:44:25,259
which is surprising
because you've
974
00:44:25,260 --> 00:44:29,553
never been able to master
one character, let alone 140.
975
00:44:30,260 --> 00:44:32,260
[ Cheers and applause ]
976
00:44:38,260 --> 00:44:40,259
But look, pal,
what's done is done.
977
00:44:40,260 --> 00:44:42,259
What do you say we put
this whole thing behind us?
978
00:44:42,260 --> 00:44:43,260
I wish you well.
979
00:44:44,137 --> 00:44:45,259
I sincerely hope you can break
980
00:44:45,260 --> 00:44:49,259
this 20-season losing streak
you've been on.
981
00:44:49,260 --> 00:44:51,259
But, hey,
I don't worry about Rob Lowe.
982
00:44:51,260 --> 00:44:53,259
He is a workhorse.
983
00:44:53,260 --> 00:44:56,259
And heck, man, if they ever stop
casting you in sitcoms,
984
00:44:56,260 --> 00:44:59,259
just look on the bright side --
You tried to take the air
985
00:44:59,260 --> 00:45:02,259
out of my retirement
announcement so fast,
986
00:45:02,260 --> 00:45:05,259
you can probably get a job
as Tom Brady's ball boy.
987
00:45:05,260 --> 00:45:08,260
[ Cheers and applause ]
988
00:45:19,260 --> 00:45:21,259
God bless all of you,
989
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:23,259
and God bless Rob Lowe
990
00:45:23,260 --> 00:45:25,259
because he's going to need it.
991
00:45:25,260 --> 00:45:28,259
[ Cheers and applause ]
992
00:45:28,260 --> 00:45:30,260
♪♪
993
00:45:33,260 --> 00:45:35,259
Peyton, so good!
994
00:45:35,260 --> 00:45:37,259
Announcer: Coming up
on the Roast of Rob Lowe...
995
00:45:37,260 --> 00:45:39,259
-Hello?
-...Nikki Glaser.
996
00:45:39,260 --> 00:45:41,259
Thank you for having me.
997
00:45:41,260 --> 00:45:43,259
I'm sorry you don't know
who I am at all.
998
00:45:43,260 --> 00:45:45,259
Announcer: And later,
Roastmaster General Jeff Ross.
999
00:45:45,260 --> 00:45:47,860
I want to fuck
all of you!
1000
00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:51,045
[ Cheers and applause ]
1001
00:45:51,046 --> 00:45:55,045
♪♪
1002
00:45:55,046 --> 00:45:57,045
You know, some people say
Nikki Glaser is only here
1003
00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:59,045
because she's good-looking.
1004
00:45:59,046 --> 00:46:00,548
Nothing could be further
from the truth.
1005
00:46:01,046 --> 00:46:03,045
[ Laughter ]
1006
00:46:03,046 --> 00:46:05,045
If you haven't seen
Nikki's show yet,
1007
00:46:05,046 --> 00:46:06,045
you're me.
1008
00:46:06,046 --> 00:46:07,045
[ Laughter ]
1009
00:46:07,046 --> 00:46:11,045
Please welcome
sexy-adjacent Nikki Glaser.
1010
00:46:11,046 --> 00:46:14,045
[ Cheers and applause ]
1011
00:46:14,046 --> 00:46:17,046
♪♪
1012
00:46:18,046 --> 00:46:20,045
David Spade, you guys!
1013
00:46:20,046 --> 00:46:22,046
Keep it going!
[ Cheers and applause ]
1014
00:46:22,089 --> 00:46:25,045
David Spade,
the host with the most...
1015
00:46:25,046 --> 00:46:27,045
step stools in your apartment.
1016
00:46:27,046 --> 00:46:29,045
[ Laughter ]
1017
00:46:29,046 --> 00:46:31,045
David, you've
seriously influenced
1018
00:46:31,046 --> 00:46:33,045
so many female comics'...
haircuts.
1019
00:46:33,046 --> 00:46:36,045
[ Laughter ]
1020
00:46:36,046 --> 00:46:39,045
Tonight, Jeff is dressed
as Prince
1021
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:41,045
...the prince of whales...
the animal.
1022
00:46:41,046 --> 00:46:43,045
You're fat.
1023
00:46:43,046 --> 00:46:46,045
[ Laughter ]
1024
00:46:46,046 --> 00:46:48,045
Jeff, if you changed
your name to a symbol,
1025
00:46:48,046 --> 00:46:50,045
it would be the Arby's logo.
1026
00:46:50,046 --> 00:46:52,046
[ Laughter ]
1027
00:46:53,046 --> 00:46:54,045
Jeff.
1028
00:46:54,046 --> 00:46:56,045
No, Jeff, I'll admit --
1029
00:46:56,046 --> 00:46:58,045
I have imagined Jeff
without clothes.
1030
00:46:58,046 --> 00:46:59,045
It's how I stay thin.
1031
00:46:59,046 --> 00:47:02,045
[ Laughter ]
1032
00:47:02,046 --> 00:47:04,045
Rob Riggle.
[ Groans ]
1033
00:47:04,046 --> 00:47:05,045
I want to thank you so much
for fighting
1034
00:47:05,046 --> 00:47:08,045
the war against terrorism...
and subtlety.
1035
00:47:08,046 --> 00:47:11,045
[ Laughter ]
1036
00:47:11,046 --> 00:47:13,045
[ Applause ]
1037
00:47:13,046 --> 00:47:15,881
Jimmy A. Carr...
1038
00:47:16,046 --> 00:47:19,045
is what Ralph Macchio has
to do to find a place
to sleep every night.
1039
00:47:19,046 --> 00:47:23,045
[ Laughter ]
1040
00:47:23,046 --> 00:47:25,046
"Jimmy a car" --
That's pretty good.
1041
00:47:27,046 --> 00:47:28,045
Jewel is here,
1042
00:47:28,046 --> 00:47:30,045
or, as I call her,
"Trailer Swift."
1043
00:47:30,046 --> 00:47:33,045
[ Laughter ]
1044
00:47:33,046 --> 00:47:38,045
[ Applause ]
1045
00:47:38,046 --> 00:47:41,045
Jewel, I do not want
to bad-mouth you
1046
00:47:41,046 --> 00:47:42,045
since God already did.
1047
00:47:42,046 --> 00:47:45,045
[ Audience ohhs ]
No.
1048
00:47:45,046 --> 00:47:47,045
[ Laughter ]
1049
00:47:47,046 --> 00:47:48,045
I think your smile is cute.
1050
00:47:48,046 --> 00:47:51,045
I feel like your teeth are
like the Spice Girls.
1051
00:47:51,046 --> 00:47:52,045
You know, they're all different
colors, and they're, like,
1052
00:47:52,046 --> 00:47:54,045
doing their own thing,
so that's --
1053
00:47:54,046 --> 00:47:56,045
[ Laughter ]
It's fun.
1054
00:47:56,046 --> 00:47:58,045
[ Applause ]
1055
00:47:58,046 --> 00:48:00,046
[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God.
1056
00:48:02,046 --> 00:48:04,045
Peyton Manning is here.
1057
00:48:04,046 --> 00:48:06,045
That's not for you guys.
That's for him.
1058
00:48:06,046 --> 00:48:09,045
Peyton, you're here right now.
You've had a lot of concussions.
1059
00:48:09,046 --> 00:48:11,045
[ Laughter ]
You're here.
1060
00:48:11,046 --> 00:48:15,046
[ Enunciating ]
Don't murder your wife.
1061
00:48:15,631 --> 00:48:18,045
I don't know much
about football,
1062
00:48:18,046 --> 00:48:20,046
but I love Peyton, uh,
in commercials.
1063
00:48:20,839 --> 00:48:23,045
You're like -- You're so good
in them, like legitimately.
1064
00:48:23,046 --> 00:48:25,045
I'd say you're
the greatest of all time.
1065
00:48:25,046 --> 00:48:27,045
I'd say, like,
you're like the Tom Brady
1066
00:48:27,046 --> 00:48:29,045
of being in commercials.
1067
00:48:29,046 --> 00:48:30,045
You know, like, the greatest.
[ Cheers and applause ]
1068
00:48:30,046 --> 00:48:33,045
Like, he's the greatest, right?
So...
1069
00:48:33,046 --> 00:48:38,045
[ Laughter, whistle ]
1070
00:48:38,046 --> 00:48:41,045
And without "fuehrer" ado,
Ann Coulter!
1071
00:48:41,046 --> 00:48:44,045
[ Laughter ]
1072
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:46,045
[ Applause ]
1073
00:48:46,046 --> 00:48:48,045
Oh, Ann.
1074
00:48:48,046 --> 00:48:51,045
What's it like to be,
like, a real-life super
villain, you know?
1075
00:48:51,046 --> 00:48:54,045
Like...I'd ask you
how you sleep at night,
1076
00:48:54,046 --> 00:48:58,045
but I'd assume just upside-down
in a robe of 101 dalmatians.
1077
00:48:58,046 --> 00:49:00,045
[ Laughter ]
1078
00:49:00,046 --> 00:49:02,045
Ann Coulter has
11 written books --
1079
00:49:02,046 --> 00:49:04,045
12 if you count "Mein Kampf."
1080
00:49:04,046 --> 00:49:08,045
[ Laughter ]
Yes.
1081
00:49:08,046 --> 00:49:11,045
Ann's been called things like
a racist, anti-Semitic,
1082
00:49:11,046 --> 00:49:14,045
homophobic, a white supremacist,
1083
00:49:14,046 --> 00:49:16,045
and that's just while
getting plowed by Bill Maher.
1084
00:49:16,046 --> 00:49:18,045
[ Laughter ]
1085
00:49:18,046 --> 00:49:20,045
The only person
you will ever make happy is
1086
00:49:20,046 --> 00:49:22,045
the Mexican who digs your grave.
1087
00:49:22,046 --> 00:49:25,045
[ Audience ohhs ]
1088
00:49:25,046 --> 00:49:29,045
[ Cheers and applause ]
1089
00:49:29,046 --> 00:49:31,045
[ Chuckles ]
1090
00:49:31,046 --> 00:49:32,045
Speaking of Hitler,
1091
00:49:32,046 --> 00:49:35,046
Jeff, you and Hitler have
a lot in common --
1092
00:49:36,046 --> 00:49:38,045
-What's that?
-...micro penis,
1093
00:49:38,046 --> 00:49:40,045
you're bad at your art,
1094
00:49:40,046 --> 00:49:42,045
and no one cared about you till
you started roasting people.
1095
00:49:42,046 --> 00:49:45,045
[ Audience groans ]
1096
00:49:45,046 --> 00:49:47,045
Guys...
1097
00:49:47,046 --> 00:49:49,045
I can make that joke
'cause I'm not Jewish,
1098
00:49:49,046 --> 00:49:51,045
so I don't care.
1099
00:49:51,046 --> 00:49:54,045
[ Laughter ]
1100
00:49:54,046 --> 00:49:56,045
Don't be mad. At least
I acknowledge the Holocaust.
1101
00:49:56,046 --> 00:49:57,045
Ann doesn't
even think it happened.
1102
00:49:57,046 --> 00:50:00,046
[ Laughter ]
1103
00:50:04,046 --> 00:50:07,045
Speaking of deniable tragedies,
Rob Lowe!
1104
00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:11,045
[ Cheers and applause ]
1105
00:50:11,046 --> 00:50:14,046
You're so fucking hot,
I can't even stand it.
1106
00:50:15,046 --> 00:50:18,045
Rob defies age...restrictions.
1107
00:50:18,046 --> 00:50:20,045
[ Laughter ]
1108
00:50:20,046 --> 00:50:22,045
You really -- You're --
You're a fucking Adonis.
1109
00:50:22,046 --> 00:50:24,045
Look at you.
1110
00:50:24,046 --> 00:50:25,464
You look like you're sculpted.
1111
00:50:26,046 --> 00:50:29,045
I mean, you put the "statue"
in "statutory rape."
1112
00:50:29,046 --> 00:50:33,045
[ Laughter ]
I mean, right?
1113
00:50:33,046 --> 00:50:36,045
God, I had such a crush on you
when I was a little girl.
1114
00:50:36,046 --> 00:50:38,045
If only I'd known
that's when I had my best shot.
1115
00:50:38,046 --> 00:50:41,045
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
1116
00:50:41,046 --> 00:50:43,045
Thank you so much.
1117
00:50:43,046 --> 00:50:46,045
[ Cheers and applause ]
1118
00:50:46,046 --> 00:50:49,045
♪♪
1119
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:52,045
Announcer:
Up next, Ralph Macchio.
1120
00:50:52,046 --> 00:50:54,045
-So fucking handsome.
-You're so cute.
1121
00:50:54,046 --> 00:50:55,045
[ Grunts ]
1122
00:50:55,046 --> 00:50:57,045
Announcer:
Plus, Ann Coulter.
1123
00:50:57,046 --> 00:50:59,045
Yeah, I'll start to feel
the love after the third drink.
1124
00:50:59,046 --> 00:51:00,046
[ Both laugh ]
1125
00:51:01,491 --> 00:51:03,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1126
00:51:03,791 --> 00:51:06,790
♪♪
1127
00:51:06,791 --> 00:51:09,790
All right, you might know
our next roaster, Ralph Macchio,
1128
00:51:09,791 --> 00:51:10,790
as the Karate Kid,
1129
00:51:10,791 --> 00:51:12,790
and if you don't know him
from that,
1130
00:51:12,791 --> 00:51:13,790
then you don't know him.
1131
00:51:13,791 --> 00:51:16,790
[ Laughter ]
1132
00:51:16,791 --> 00:51:18,790
Ralph's only chance
to be in a blockbuster
1133
00:51:18,791 --> 00:51:22,790
went away when it went
out of business.
1134
00:51:22,791 --> 00:51:25,790
Please welcome Ralph Macchio!
1135
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1136
00:51:27,791 --> 00:51:31,791
♪♪
1137
00:51:34,791 --> 00:51:35,790
Thank you, David.
1138
00:51:35,791 --> 00:51:38,790
Yes, it's me, Ralph Macchio...
1139
00:51:38,791 --> 00:51:44,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1140
00:51:44,791 --> 00:51:46,790
...the Karate Kid, yes.
1141
00:51:46,791 --> 00:51:48,790
I still look the same, don't I?
1142
00:51:48,791 --> 00:51:50,790
[ Light cheers ]
Right? Come on.
1143
00:51:50,791 --> 00:51:51,790
[ Cheering ]
1144
00:51:51,791 --> 00:51:54,790
My secret to looking so young --
1145
00:51:54,791 --> 00:51:56,790
not working.
1146
00:51:56,791 --> 00:51:59,790
[ Laughter ]
1147
00:51:59,791 --> 00:52:01,790
Ann Coulter --
I'm glad to see you here, Ann.
1148
00:52:01,791 --> 00:52:03,790
I-I -- You know, I respect you.
1149
00:52:03,791 --> 00:52:06,790
You're
the one female commentator
1150
00:52:06,791 --> 00:52:07,790
who's not afraid
to stand up...
1151
00:52:07,791 --> 00:52:09,790
to take a leak.
1152
00:52:09,791 --> 00:52:13,790
[ Laughter ]
1153
00:52:13,791 --> 00:52:14,790
And it's great to be here
1154
00:52:14,791 --> 00:52:16,790
with Super Bowl champ
Peyton Manning.
1155
00:52:16,791 --> 00:52:20,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on. Peyton Manning.
1156
00:52:20,791 --> 00:52:22,790
Peyton wrote a children's book.
1157
00:52:22,791 --> 00:52:25,790
It wasn't meant to be
a children's book, but he...
1158
00:52:25,791 --> 00:52:28,790
[ Laughter ]
1159
00:52:28,791 --> 00:52:30,790
he did the best that he could.
1160
00:52:30,791 --> 00:52:34,790
[ Laughter ]
1161
00:52:34,791 --> 00:52:38,790
Of course,
Jeff Ross is here tonight.
1162
00:52:38,791 --> 00:52:40,790
He's hilarious
on "Roast Battle."
1163
00:52:40,791 --> 00:52:42,790
It's an hour
of someone trying to wrestle
1164
00:52:42,791 --> 00:52:45,790
a pork roast out of his hands.
1165
00:52:45,791 --> 00:52:46,790
[ Laughter ]
1166
00:52:46,791 --> 00:52:51,790
But, Jeff, David,
and all the rest of you,
1167
00:52:51,791 --> 00:52:54,790
I want to thank you
for being here tonight
1168
00:52:54,791 --> 00:52:56,790
for my old friend Rob Lowe...
1169
00:52:56,791 --> 00:53:00,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1170
00:53:00,791 --> 00:53:03,790
my greaser brother
from the "The Outsiders."
1171
00:53:03,791 --> 00:53:07,790
[ Cheering, whistling ]
How about that?
1172
00:53:07,791 --> 00:53:11,790
Rob, because of that film,
we are bound together for life.
1173
00:53:11,791 --> 00:53:14,790
But you're Rob Lowe,
1174
00:53:14,791 --> 00:53:19,790
and I'm just Ralph Macchio.
1175
00:53:19,791 --> 00:53:23,790
You know, okay, Rob,
I-I might not have your career,
1176
00:53:23,791 --> 00:53:26,790
but if they were roasting me,
the biggest star here would be
1177
00:53:26,791 --> 00:53:28,790
a lot fucking bigger
than me, all right?
1178
00:53:28,791 --> 00:53:31,790
If I had a roast and the biggest
star I could get was me,
1179
00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:33,790
I would just do
what Rob Riggle did
1180
00:53:33,791 --> 00:53:35,790
and get the fuck
out of show business.
1181
00:53:35,791 --> 00:53:37,790
[ Laughter ]
1182
00:53:37,791 --> 00:53:40,790
You did "The West Wing"
with Martin Sheen,
1183
00:53:40,791 --> 00:53:44,790
You were in "Parks and Rec"
with Chris Pratt,
1184
00:53:44,791 --> 00:53:46,790
and the biggest movie star
you could get to show up tonight
1185
00:53:46,791 --> 00:53:48,790
is Ralph fucking Macchio?
1186
00:53:48,791 --> 00:53:52,790
[ Laughter ]
That is pathetic, dude.
1187
00:53:52,791 --> 00:53:54,791
And that's a direct quote
from my kids.
1188
00:53:55,084 --> 00:53:56,791
[ Laughter ]
1189
00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,790
[ Applause ]
1190
00:53:58,791 --> 00:54:02,790
And yet, y-you just --
You keep going.
1191
00:54:02,791 --> 00:54:05,790
How did you get
a bigger career than me?
1192
00:54:05,791 --> 00:54:07,790
I could have gotten all those
shows you were on canceled
1193
00:54:07,791 --> 00:54:09,790
if I was just given a chance.
1194
00:54:09,791 --> 00:54:11,790
[ Laughter ]
1195
00:54:11,791 --> 00:54:12,790
It's not fair.
1196
00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:15,790
After people saw me
as a likable, clean-cut kid,
1197
00:54:15,791 --> 00:54:17,790
that's all
they ever wanted me to be.
1198
00:54:17,791 --> 00:54:19,790
They saw you fuck
a 16-year-old,
1199
00:54:19,791 --> 00:54:21,790
and they're like,
"Hmm, he looks like
1200
00:54:21,791 --> 00:54:23,790
he can work in the White House."
1201
00:54:23,791 --> 00:54:26,790
[ Laughter ]
1202
00:54:26,791 --> 00:54:29,791
[ Cheers and applause ]
1203
00:54:32,791 --> 00:54:37,790
You -- You charmed idiot.
1204
00:54:37,791 --> 00:54:40,790
You did a sex tape,
and you still got work.
1205
00:54:40,791 --> 00:54:42,790
You ruined "Snow White"
at the Oscars,
1206
00:54:42,791 --> 00:54:45,790
and you still got work.
1207
00:54:45,791 --> 00:54:50,790
You did "The Grinder,"
and here you are on TV again.
1208
00:54:50,791 --> 00:54:54,790
I can't fucking escape you.
1209
00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:55,790
You know how many times
I've just been trying
1210
00:54:55,791 --> 00:54:58,790
to forget about life,
watch a little football,
1211
00:54:58,791 --> 00:55:00,790
when you pop up on my screen
1212
00:55:00,791 --> 00:55:05,790
in one of those "creepy"
DirecTV commercials?
1213
00:55:05,791 --> 00:55:08,790
All of
those different Rob Lowes,
1214
00:55:08,791 --> 00:55:10,790
and not one of those scumbags
could hook me up
1215
00:55:10,791 --> 00:55:12,790
with a decent gig?
1216
00:55:12,791 --> 00:55:13,790
[ Laughter ]
1217
00:55:13,791 --> 00:55:18,790
You did two sex tapes,
and you couldn't give me a part?
1218
00:55:18,791 --> 00:55:19,790
Come on, man!
1219
00:55:19,791 --> 00:55:22,790
You know I'll be in any sequel.
1220
00:55:22,791 --> 00:55:25,790
[ Laughter ]
1221
00:55:25,791 --> 00:55:27,790
Nothing!
1222
00:55:27,791 --> 00:55:29,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1223
00:55:29,791 --> 00:55:31,790
Then, out of the blue,
I get this call
1224
00:55:31,791 --> 00:55:34,790
from Comedy Central asking me
to do a roast.
1225
00:55:34,791 --> 00:55:36,790
Yeah, people are gonna shit
on me for an hour,
1226
00:55:36,791 --> 00:55:40,790
but if I do well, this could be
my big comeback, right?
1227
00:55:40,791 --> 00:55:43,790
"Who are they roasting?
1228
00:55:43,791 --> 00:55:44,790
Rob Lowe?!
1229
00:55:44,791 --> 00:55:46,790
Shit!
1230
00:55:46,791 --> 00:55:49,668
It's probably being canceled
right now!"
1231
00:55:49,791 --> 00:55:51,790
[ Laughter ]
1232
00:55:51,791 --> 00:55:52,790
Unbelievable.
1233
00:55:52,791 --> 00:55:54,790
I've had to take
a lot of ass-kickings
1234
00:55:54,791 --> 00:55:58,790
in this business, but to take
a beating tonight for you,
1235
00:55:58,791 --> 00:56:01,790
you with those blue eyes
1236
00:56:01,791 --> 00:56:05,790
and the fucking soft skin --
1237
00:56:05,791 --> 00:56:08,790
God, you had it easy, princess.
1238
00:56:08,791 --> 00:56:10,791
[ Laughter ]
1239
00:56:11,209 --> 00:56:13,790
I hate you.
1240
00:56:13,791 --> 00:56:16,790
I fucking hate you, Rob Lowe.
1241
00:56:16,791 --> 00:56:19,790
I hate you like...
1242
00:56:19,791 --> 00:56:20,790
a brother.
1243
00:56:20,791 --> 00:56:23,790
[ Audience awws ]
1244
00:56:23,791 --> 00:56:26,791
[ Cheers and applause ]
1245
00:56:31,791 --> 00:56:33,790
And that, mother fucker, is
1246
00:56:33,791 --> 00:56:36,790
what you call acting.
1247
00:56:36,791 --> 00:56:38,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1248
00:56:38,791 --> 00:56:41,790
I love you, Rob.
Good night!
1249
00:56:41,791 --> 00:56:44,790
[ Cheers and applause ]
1250
00:56:44,791 --> 00:56:47,334
♪♪
1251
00:56:51,791 --> 00:56:52,790
Cheers.
1252
00:56:52,791 --> 00:56:55,790
Announcer: Still to come,
more from David Spade.
1253
00:56:55,791 --> 00:56:56,790
Is that it?
Am I wrapped?
1254
00:56:56,791 --> 00:56:58,790
Woman: [ Laughs ]
1255
00:56:58,791 --> 00:57:00,790
Announcer:
Plus, Ann Coulter
1256
00:57:00,791 --> 00:57:02,790
and Roastmaster General
Jeff Ross
1257
00:57:02,791 --> 00:57:05,791
when the roast
of this fucking guy continues.
1258
00:57:07,157 --> 00:57:09,456
[ Cheers and applause ]
1259
00:57:09,457 --> 00:57:12,457
♪♪
1260
00:57:16,457 --> 00:57:18,456
All right, guys,
1261
00:57:18,457 --> 00:57:21,456
and now a real treat
for fans of hate-watching.
1262
00:57:21,457 --> 00:57:24,456
-Yeah!
-Ann Coulter's coming up.
1263
00:57:24,457 --> 00:57:27,456
Ann hopes the Republicans can
hold on to the House
1264
00:57:27,457 --> 00:57:29,456
so she can continue to haunt it.
1265
00:57:29,457 --> 00:57:31,456
[ Laughter ]
1266
00:57:31,457 --> 00:57:33,456
She seems stiff
and conservative,
1267
00:57:33,457 --> 00:57:35,456
but Ann gets wild in the sheets.
1268
00:57:35,457 --> 00:57:37,456
Just ask the Klan.
1269
00:57:37,457 --> 00:57:38,456
[ Laughter ]
1270
00:57:38,457 --> 00:57:40,456
Looks like
she's having a good time.
1271
00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:43,456
I haven't seen you
laugh this hard since
Trayvon Martin got shot.
1272
00:57:43,457 --> 00:57:47,456
[ Audience ohhs ]
Please welcome Ann Coulter!
1273
00:57:47,457 --> 00:57:49,457
[ "The Star-Spangled Banner"
plays ]
1274
00:57:58,457 --> 00:57:59,456
Thank you.
1275
00:57:59,457 --> 00:58:00,456
I want to welcome everybody
1276
00:58:00,457 --> 00:58:02,456
to the Ann Coulter Roast
with Rob Lowe.
1277
00:58:02,457 --> 00:58:05,456
[ Laughter ]
Um, I just --
1278
00:58:05,457 --> 00:58:07,456
I just -- I'm so overwhelmed
1279
00:58:07,457 --> 00:58:08,456
with the love
in this room tonight.
1280
00:58:08,457 --> 00:58:11,456
I can't thank you enough.
1281
00:58:11,457 --> 00:58:13,456
It's -- It's really something.
1282
00:58:13,457 --> 00:58:15,456
No, I'm actually --
I'm not a comedian,
1283
00:58:15,457 --> 00:58:17,456
which is why you can imagine
1284
00:58:17,457 --> 00:58:19,456
I often get mistaken
for Nikki Glaser.
1285
00:58:19,457 --> 00:58:21,456
Um...
[ Laughter ]
1286
00:58:21,457 --> 00:58:23,457
I'm -- I'm only here tonight
1287
00:58:23,875 --> 00:58:27,456
because of all of the love
and respect I have for Rob Lowe
1288
00:58:27,457 --> 00:58:30,456
and all these fabulous
and talented performers tonight.
1289
00:58:30,457 --> 00:58:33,456
It has nothing to do
with this being the next stop
1290
00:58:33,457 --> 00:58:36,456
on my press junket
for the book I've just published
1291
00:58:36,457 --> 00:58:37,457
four days ago,
1292
00:58:38,457 --> 00:58:42,456
"In Trump We Trust:
E Pluribus Awesome"...
1293
00:58:42,457 --> 00:58:46,456
[ Audience booing ]
1294
00:58:46,457 --> 00:58:49,456
"Pause for boos" -- Oh, wait.
I wasn't supposed to read that.
1295
00:58:49,457 --> 00:58:52,456
[ Laughter ]
1296
00:58:52,457 --> 00:58:56,456
...available
at fine book stores everywhere.
1297
00:58:56,457 --> 00:58:58,456
[ Laughter ]
1298
00:58:58,457 --> 00:58:59,456
Woman: Boo!
1299
00:58:59,457 --> 00:59:01,456
I know it's pretty shameless,
but I'm on a stage
1300
00:59:01,457 --> 00:59:04,456
with a guy
who made two "Joe Dirt" films,
1301
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:07,292
so how shameless can I be?
1302
00:59:07,457 --> 00:59:09,456
[ Light laughter, applause ]
Man: Boo!
1303
00:59:09,457 --> 00:59:13,456
As a right-wing hatemonger,
it's fantastic to be
1304
00:59:13,457 --> 00:59:14,456
at a big Hollywood shindig
1305
00:59:14,457 --> 00:59:16,456
with all these
glittering celebrities
1306
00:59:16,457 --> 00:59:19,456
that isn't a fundraiser
for Obama.
1307
00:59:19,457 --> 00:59:22,456
I'm hoping to persuade you all
to vote for Trump,
1308
00:59:22,457 --> 00:59:26,456
but most of all,
I want you, David, um,
1309
00:59:26,457 --> 00:59:28,456
because it would prove
the media is lying
1310
00:59:28,457 --> 00:59:29,456
when they say they're --
1311
00:59:29,457 --> 00:59:32,456
that Trump won't get
the vote of a single spade.
1312
00:59:32,457 --> 00:59:35,456
[ Laughter ]
David is the --
1313
00:59:35,457 --> 00:59:37,457
the perfect roastmaster
for the show.
1314
00:59:38,209 --> 00:59:40,456
He's successful enough
that everyone knows who he is
1315
00:59:40,457 --> 00:59:44,456
but not so successful that
he makes us feel threatened.
1316
00:59:44,457 --> 00:59:46,456
He's like
the Mike Pence of comedy.
1317
00:59:46,457 --> 00:59:49,456
[ Light laughter ]
1318
00:59:49,457 --> 00:59:50,456
A lot of people don't
realize that David's sister
1319
00:59:50,457 --> 00:59:53,456
is famous designer Kate Spade.
1320
00:59:53,457 --> 00:59:56,456
Judging by your outfit, David,
I gather you're not speaking.
1321
00:59:56,457 --> 00:59:58,456
[ Laughter ]
1322
00:59:58,457 --> 01:00:01,456
Why is Jeff Ross at every roast?
1323
01:00:01,457 --> 01:00:02,456
He thinks he deserves it.
1324
01:00:02,457 --> 01:00:05,456
Everybody else
just goes along with it.
1325
01:00:05,457 --> 01:00:07,456
He's like Hillary Clinton.
1326
01:00:07,457 --> 01:00:09,456
[ Light laughter ]
1327
01:00:09,457 --> 01:00:12,456
Actually, to be fair, if I could
get just one person here
1328
01:00:12,457 --> 01:00:15,456
to vote for Trump,
it would be you, Ralph.
1329
01:00:15,457 --> 01:00:17,456
People would be so surprised.
1330
01:00:17,457 --> 01:00:19,456
I'd go up and say,
"I got Ralph Macchio.
1331
01:00:19,457 --> 01:00:21,456
He's voting for Donald Trump."
1332
01:00:21,457 --> 01:00:23,456
And they'd say,
"Oh, oh, what a shock.
1333
01:00:23,457 --> 01:00:25,456
Ralph is still alive?"
[ Light laughter ]
1334
01:00:25,457 --> 01:00:28,456
Just kidding.
You look totally fantastic.
1335
01:00:28,457 --> 01:00:29,456
It's unbelievable, Ralph.
1336
01:00:29,457 --> 01:00:32,456
Can you believe
this guy's, like, 54?
1337
01:00:32,457 --> 01:00:33,750
He looks incredible.
Whatever you've been drinking,
1338
01:00:34,457 --> 01:00:36,456
you got to send
a few cases to Hillary.
1339
01:00:36,457 --> 01:00:38,456
[ Laughter ]
1340
01:00:38,457 --> 01:00:40,456
We have British comedian
Jimmy Carr with us
1341
01:00:40,457 --> 01:00:44,456
because of Obama's
lax immigration policies.
1342
01:00:44,457 --> 01:00:45,456
[ Laughter, applause ]
1343
01:00:45,457 --> 01:00:48,456
He's --
1344
01:00:48,457 --> 01:00:50,456
I must admit
I'm a little uncomfortable
1345
01:00:50,457 --> 01:00:53,456
not only with the mean jokes,
but the raw sexual commentary
1346
01:00:53,457 --> 01:00:55,456
that's so popular
at these roasts.
1347
01:00:55,457 --> 01:00:58,456
I mean, apparently female comics
have to be dirty
1348
01:00:58,457 --> 01:01:00,456
to expand their fan base.
1349
01:01:00,457 --> 01:01:02,456
Thank God you didn't have
to go there, Nikki.
1350
01:01:02,457 --> 01:01:04,456
[ Laughter ]
1351
01:01:04,457 --> 01:01:06,456
If you've ever asked yourself,
"Who do I have to screw
1352
01:01:06,457 --> 01:01:08,456
to get a TV show
in Hollywood" --
1353
01:01:08,457 --> 01:01:10,456
Nikki has the actual list.
1354
01:01:10,457 --> 01:01:12,456
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
1355
01:01:12,457 --> 01:01:15,456
I'm honored to share
this stage with a patriot,
1356
01:01:15,457 --> 01:01:16,456
Rob Riggle.
1357
01:01:16,457 --> 01:01:19,456
Thank you for your service.
1358
01:01:19,457 --> 01:01:21,456
You were a Marine
for over 20 years.
1359
01:01:21,457 --> 01:01:22,456
You've seen things...
[ Applause ]
1360
01:01:22,457 --> 01:01:25,456
no man should have seen,
1361
01:01:25,457 --> 01:01:28,456
including "The Daily Show
With Trevor Noah."
1362
01:01:28,457 --> 01:01:31,456
[ Audience ohhs ]
Man: Boo.
1363
01:01:31,457 --> 01:01:33,456
Coulter:
Peyton Manning, I applaud
your conservative convictions.
1364
01:01:33,457 --> 01:01:35,541
I know you're
a big supporter of Jeb Bush.
1365
01:01:36,457 --> 01:01:39,456
That's a political contribution
that will pay handsomely.
1366
01:01:39,457 --> 01:01:41,456
[ Laughter ]
1367
01:01:41,457 --> 01:01:45,456
Jeb got four delegates,
1368
01:01:45,457 --> 01:01:49,084
which makes me laugh harder
than any of the jokes tonight.
1369
01:01:49,457 --> 01:01:50,456
[ Chuckles ]
1370
01:01:50,457 --> 01:01:53,456
I once thought Pete Davidson was
just like Obama,
1371
01:01:53,457 --> 01:01:57,456
a biracial goofball who ruined
a once-beloved institution,
1372
01:01:57,457 --> 01:01:59,456
but it turns out I was wrong.
1373
01:01:59,457 --> 01:02:01,456
Pete's not biracial.
1374
01:02:01,457 --> 01:02:02,456
[ Light laughter ]
1375
01:02:02,457 --> 01:02:04,456
Ha-ha! Good one!
1376
01:02:04,457 --> 01:02:07,456
And now for the man
of the hour...
[ Laughter ]
Ha-ha-ha!
1377
01:02:07,457 --> 01:02:11,456
[ Cheers and applause ]
1378
01:02:11,457 --> 01:02:13,456
The man of the hour,
1379
01:02:13,457 --> 01:02:15,456
the one hour left
in his career, Rob Lowe.
1380
01:02:15,457 --> 01:02:17,456
I'm a big fan
of Rob Lowe's work,
1381
01:02:17,457 --> 01:02:20,456
especially, of course,
the taped threesome.
1382
01:02:20,457 --> 01:02:23,456
To this day, that remains
the most authentic performance
1383
01:02:23,457 --> 01:02:24,456
I have ever seen
1384
01:02:24,457 --> 01:02:26,456
at a Democratic
National Convention.
1385
01:02:26,457 --> 01:02:30,456
[ Light laughter ]
1386
01:02:30,457 --> 01:02:32,456
Rob Lowe was on "The West Wing,"
where he managed
1387
01:02:32,457 --> 01:02:36,456
the impossible task of being
the most insufferable part
1388
01:02:36,457 --> 01:02:39,456
of an Aaron Sorkin show.
1389
01:02:39,457 --> 01:02:41,541
A few years ago, there was talk
of Rob Lowe replacing
1390
01:02:42,457 --> 01:02:44,456
Charlie Sheen
when the government was deciding
1391
01:02:44,457 --> 01:02:46,456
who to give AIDS to next.
1392
01:02:46,457 --> 01:02:48,456
[ Laughter ]
1393
01:02:48,457 --> 01:02:51,456
Rob's last show was called
"The Grinder."
1394
01:02:51,457 --> 01:02:55,456
Hard to believe that a TV show
named after a gay-dating app
1395
01:02:55,457 --> 01:02:58,456
wouldn't be a huge hit.
1396
01:02:58,457 --> 01:03:02,456
I know some of you are saying
I did this only to promote
1397
01:03:02,457 --> 01:03:05,457
my book, "In Trump We Trust:
E Pluribus Awesome,"
1398
01:03:06,457 --> 01:03:08,456
available
at bookstores everywhere,
1399
01:03:08,457 --> 01:03:10,457
including the Barnes and Noble
where Ralph Macchio works.
1400
01:03:11,457 --> 01:03:13,456
[ Laughter ]
1401
01:03:13,457 --> 01:03:14,456
We all do what we do.
1402
01:03:14,457 --> 01:03:17,456
Writer's write.
Actors act.
1403
01:03:17,457 --> 01:03:21,456
And Rob Lowe --
What does he do?
1404
01:03:21,457 --> 01:03:23,456
The truth is,
Rob Lowe does a job
1405
01:03:23,457 --> 01:03:25,456
that most Americans
just won't do --
1406
01:03:25,457 --> 01:03:29,456
He plays Rob Lowe.
1407
01:03:29,457 --> 01:03:31,456
It's a thankless job,
but we are all so grateful
1408
01:03:31,457 --> 01:03:33,456
that you do it, Rob.
1409
01:03:33,457 --> 01:03:34,456
Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]
1410
01:03:34,457 --> 01:03:37,456
[ Whistle, applause ]
1411
01:03:37,457 --> 01:03:42,456
♪♪
1412
01:03:42,457 --> 01:03:44,456
Announcer: Coming up,
Rob Lowe strikes back,
1413
01:03:44,457 --> 01:03:48,456
but first
Roastmaster General Jeff Ross.
1414
01:03:48,457 --> 01:03:49,456
I'm ready, baby.
1415
01:03:49,457 --> 01:03:51,456
You're going down,
mother fucker.
1416
01:03:51,457 --> 01:03:53,456
Announcer: Seriously --
Fuck this guy.
1417
01:03:53,457 --> 01:03:53,657
Oh, yeah!
1418
01:03:54,530 --> 01:03:56,829
[ Cheers and applause ]
1419
01:03:56,830 --> 01:04:01,123
♪♪
1420
01:04:01,830 --> 01:04:02,830
Now the moment
we've all been waiting for...
1421
01:04:03,206 --> 01:04:05,829
to be over -- Jeff Ross.
[ Laughter ]
1422
01:04:05,830 --> 01:04:07,829
My buddy Jeff!
1423
01:04:07,830 --> 01:04:09,829
He didn't even want to be here.
1424
01:04:09,830 --> 01:04:11,829
He's just still stuck in
his chair from the Bieber roast.
1425
01:04:11,830 --> 01:04:14,665
[ Laughter ]
1426
01:04:14,830 --> 01:04:15,829
[ Chuckles ]
1427
01:04:15,830 --> 01:04:17,829
Jeff took a shower
before he got here.
1428
01:04:17,830 --> 01:04:19,829
It's the only way he can get
his dick wet these days.
1429
01:04:19,830 --> 01:04:21,829
[ Laughter ]
No, but, honestly,
1430
01:04:21,830 --> 01:04:25,829
the last box he crushed had
a Big Mac in it.
1431
01:04:25,830 --> 01:04:27,829
[ Laughter ]
That was last night.
1432
01:04:27,830 --> 01:04:30,829
Get ready for some
Roastmaster General anesthesia
1433
01:04:30,830 --> 01:04:32,040
with Jeff Ross!
1434
01:04:32,830 --> 01:04:35,165
[ Cheers and applause ]
1435
01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:38,290
[ Organ plays ]
1436
01:04:43,830 --> 01:04:45,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1437
01:04:45,830 --> 01:04:48,829
Dearly beloved...
1438
01:04:48,830 --> 01:04:51,829
my roast tonight is dedicated
to the late, great Prince,
1439
01:04:51,830 --> 01:04:53,829
who's gone,
but not forgotten...
1440
01:04:53,830 --> 01:04:56,829
[ Cheers and applause ]
1441
01:04:56,830 --> 01:04:59,829
as opposed to Rob Lowe,
who's forgotten, but not gone.
1442
01:04:59,830 --> 01:05:01,829
[ Laughter ]
1443
01:05:01,830 --> 01:05:02,914
[ Guitar strums ]
1444
01:05:03,830 --> 01:05:04,998
Rob, are you a Prince fan?
-Yeah.
1445
01:05:05,830 --> 01:05:08,829
That's 'cause you're
a sexy mother fucker.
1446
01:05:08,830 --> 01:05:11,829
You look like
John Stamos' sister.
1447
01:05:11,830 --> 01:05:14,829
[ Laughter ]
1448
01:05:14,830 --> 01:05:16,829
I'm dressed like a Prince
to roast a queen. [Laughs]
1449
01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:19,829
[ Laughter ]
1450
01:05:19,830 --> 01:05:22,829
Your full name should be
"Rob Lowe Testosterone."
1451
01:05:22,830 --> 01:05:24,829
[ Laughter ]
Rob Lowe.
1452
01:05:24,830 --> 01:05:26,829
[ Cheers and applause ]
1453
01:05:26,830 --> 01:05:28,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1454
01:05:28,830 --> 01:05:31,829
Or as the girl
in the sex tape said, "Rob, no!"
1455
01:05:31,830 --> 01:05:33,829
[ Laughter ]
1456
01:05:33,830 --> 01:05:36,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1457
01:05:36,830 --> 01:05:39,829
Yeah, my hero, Prince, fought
for creative freedom.
1458
01:05:39,830 --> 01:05:42,829
And I think it's unfair
that you have this reputation
1459
01:05:42,830 --> 01:05:44,829
for being a diva and a bitch
'cause if you were a man,
1460
01:05:44,830 --> 01:05:47,829
they would just say
you were strong and assertive.
1461
01:05:47,830 --> 01:05:49,829
[ Laughter, guitar strums ]
1462
01:05:49,830 --> 01:05:51,829
So, when Comedy Central
called me and said,
1463
01:05:51,830 --> 01:05:55,829
"Rob Lowe wants to be roasted.
Are you in, Roastmaster,"
1464
01:05:55,830 --> 01:05:57,829
I said, "I'm with her."
1465
01:05:57,830 --> 01:05:59,829
[ Laughter, guitar strums ]
1466
01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:01,829
'Cause it's not easy
for actresses in their 50s,
1467
01:06:01,830 --> 01:06:05,829
but you keep swinging, baby.
1468
01:06:05,830 --> 01:06:06,830
Is it true
that you're deaf in one ear?
1469
01:06:06,831 --> 01:06:08,829
Yeah.
1470
01:06:08,830 --> 01:06:09,830
That can be a real problem
for you sometimes
1471
01:06:09,956 --> 01:06:12,829
'cause you can't hear
the girl's parents coming home.
1472
01:06:12,830 --> 01:06:13,829
[ Audience ohhs,
sour note plays ]
1473
01:06:13,830 --> 01:06:15,829
[ Laughs ]
1474
01:06:15,830 --> 01:06:17,830
[ Guitar strums ]
1475
01:06:18,290 --> 01:06:19,829
Anyway, it's great to be here
1476
01:06:19,830 --> 01:06:22,829
at the Comedy Central Roast
of white privilege.
1477
01:06:22,830 --> 01:06:24,829
[ Laughter, cheers,
and applause ]
1478
01:06:24,830 --> 01:06:26,829
I know what you're
thinking -- "How come there's
no black people up here?"
1479
01:06:26,830 --> 01:06:29,829
We actually booked two.
They're just not here yet.
1480
01:06:29,830 --> 01:06:32,829
[ Laughter, guitar strums ]
1481
01:06:32,830 --> 01:06:34,829
And of course,
my pal David Spade doing
1482
01:06:34,830 --> 01:06:36,829
a killer job hosting
this show tonight.
1483
01:06:36,830 --> 01:06:38,829
Give it up for David.
1484
01:06:38,830 --> 01:06:39,829
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's all good.
1485
01:06:39,830 --> 01:06:42,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1486
01:06:42,830 --> 01:06:44,829
He looks like
Jane Lynch mid-transition.
1487
01:06:44,830 --> 01:06:47,830
[ Laughter ]
1488
01:06:49,830 --> 01:06:50,829
[ Chuckles ]
1489
01:06:50,830 --> 01:06:51,829
Dave,
how'd you get here tonight,
1490
01:06:51,830 --> 01:06:52,829
a little red corvette?
1491
01:06:52,830 --> 01:06:55,829
[ Laughter ]
1492
01:06:55,830 --> 01:06:57,498
Congrats
to my pal Pete Davidson --
1493
01:06:57,830 --> 01:07:00,829
just voted Proactiv's
breakout comic of the year.
1494
01:07:00,830 --> 01:07:03,829
[ Laughter, applause ]
1495
01:07:03,830 --> 01:07:05,829
Pete Davidson is so young,
1496
01:07:05,830 --> 01:07:07,829
Rob Lowe tried
to fuck him on camera.
1497
01:07:07,830 --> 01:07:09,829
[ Laughter ]
1498
01:07:09,830 --> 01:07:12,829
Oh, and how fucking cool is it
that Peyton Manning is here
1499
01:07:12,830 --> 01:07:14,829
fresh off the Super Bowl?
1500
01:07:14,830 --> 01:07:15,830
Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
1501
01:07:15,914 --> 01:07:17,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1502
01:07:17,830 --> 01:07:20,829
Some people say Tom Brady is
the best, but you know what?
1503
01:07:20,830 --> 01:07:22,829
I say you're the best, dude.
1504
01:07:22,830 --> 01:07:24,829
You took two different teams
to the promised land,
1505
01:07:24,830 --> 01:07:25,829
and you did it all
1506
01:07:25,830 --> 01:07:28,829
with one missing chromosome.
1507
01:07:28,830 --> 01:07:29,829
[ Laughter ]
1508
01:07:29,830 --> 01:07:32,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1509
01:07:32,830 --> 01:07:34,829
I just got
Peyton Manning's new book.
1510
01:07:34,830 --> 01:07:37,829
It's called
"Football Good, Fire Bad."
1511
01:07:37,830 --> 01:07:40,829
[ Laughter ]
1512
01:07:40,830 --> 01:07:41,829
[ Cheers and applause ]
1513
01:07:41,830 --> 01:07:43,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1514
01:07:43,830 --> 01:07:46,829
And there's darling Nikki,
Nikki Glaser.
1515
01:07:46,830 --> 01:07:48,829
Glaser?
I just met her.
1516
01:07:48,830 --> 01:07:49,829
[ Sour note plays ]
1517
01:07:49,830 --> 01:07:50,829
[ Laughter ]
1518
01:07:50,830 --> 01:07:52,829
[ Laughs ]
1519
01:07:52,830 --> 01:07:54,829
Seriously, Nikki,
how did a Jewish woman get
1520
01:07:54,830 --> 01:07:55,829
a TV show about sex?
1521
01:07:55,830 --> 01:07:58,829
What's it called,
"Not Now With Nikki Glaser"?
1522
01:07:58,830 --> 01:08:00,829
[ Laughter ]
1523
01:08:00,830 --> 01:08:02,829
I'm kidding.
I know you're not Jewish.
1524
01:08:02,830 --> 01:08:03,829
Jews are funny.
[ Guitar strums ]
1525
01:08:03,830 --> 01:08:05,829
[ Laughter ]
1526
01:08:05,830 --> 01:08:07,829
I reckon David Spade
invited Jewel here
1527
01:08:07,830 --> 01:08:09,829
because he really misses
Chris Farley and he heard
1528
01:08:09,830 --> 01:08:12,829
she used to live
in a van down by by the river!
1529
01:08:12,830 --> 01:08:15,829
[ Laughter ]
1530
01:08:15,830 --> 01:08:17,829
What can I say, Jewel?
1531
01:08:17,830 --> 01:08:19,829
You're the only jewel
who gets less valuable with age.
1532
01:08:19,830 --> 01:08:21,829
[ Audience groans ]
1533
01:08:21,830 --> 01:08:25,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1534
01:08:25,830 --> 01:08:26,829
Ann, what happened?
1535
01:08:26,830 --> 01:08:28,829
You wrote 11 books,
1536
01:08:28,830 --> 01:08:30,829
but you couldn't write
a single fucking joke?
1537
01:08:30,830 --> 01:08:34,829
[ Cheers and applause,
guitar strums ]
1538
01:08:34,830 --> 01:08:35,829
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
1539
01:08:35,830 --> 01:08:38,829
Ann, you have a face
that would make doves cry.
1540
01:08:38,830 --> 01:08:41,829
[ Laughter ]
1541
01:08:41,830 --> 01:08:43,829
[ Sighs ]
This is hard for a roast.
1542
01:08:43,830 --> 01:08:45,829
How do I roast
somebody from hell?
1543
01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:47,829
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
1544
01:08:47,830 --> 01:08:49,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1545
01:08:49,830 --> 01:08:50,829
Bitch.
1546
01:08:50,830 --> 01:08:54,829
[ Laughter, guitar strums ]
1547
01:08:54,830 --> 01:08:56,829
Ugh. And that voice.
1548
01:08:56,830 --> 01:09:00,829
[ Stammers mockingly ]
"Donald Trump."
1549
01:09:00,830 --> 01:09:02,829
It's like fingernails
on a chalkboard
1550
01:09:02,830 --> 01:09:04,829
inside an inner-city school
you want to defund.
1551
01:09:04,830 --> 01:09:07,829
[ Laughter ]
1552
01:09:07,830 --> 01:09:10,830
Don't stare at me with
that "roasting" bitch face.
1553
01:09:11,540 --> 01:09:15,829
[ Laughter ]
1554
01:09:15,830 --> 01:09:18,829
Ann's against gay marriage.
What's your thinking on that?
1555
01:09:18,830 --> 01:09:20,829
"If I can't get a husband,
they shouldn't, either?"
1556
01:09:20,830 --> 01:09:23,829
[ Audience ohhs ]
1557
01:09:23,830 --> 01:09:26,830
[ Cheers and applause,
guitar plays ]
1558
01:09:32,830 --> 01:09:34,829
Ralph Macchio,
I fucking love you, dude.
1559
01:09:34,830 --> 01:09:36,829
You were hilarious tonight.
Man, you really were.
1560
01:09:36,830 --> 01:09:39,829
It's amazing how
"The Karate Kid" prepared you
1561
01:09:39,830 --> 01:09:41,829
for the rest of your career --
1562
01:09:41,830 --> 01:09:43,830
wax the car, paint the fence,
sweep the floor.
1563
01:09:44,540 --> 01:09:48,829
[ Laughter ]
1564
01:09:48,830 --> 01:09:50,829
You know what, dude?
You should change your
name to Ralph "Macchiato."
1565
01:09:50,830 --> 01:09:52,829
Maybe you could work
at Starbucks.
1566
01:09:52,830 --> 01:09:55,829
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
1567
01:09:55,830 --> 01:09:57,829
[ Laughs ]
1568
01:09:57,830 --> 01:09:59,829
I'm the biggest
"Karate Kid" fan ever.
1569
01:09:59,830 --> 01:10:01,829
Like your character,
I'm also a black belt.
1570
01:10:01,830 --> 01:10:03,829
I grew up in Newark, New Jersey.
1571
01:10:03,830 --> 01:10:08,123
And I think it's so cool, Ralph,
that you named your son, Daniel,
1572
01:10:08,830 --> 01:10:10,829
after Daniel-san,
your greatest role,
1573
01:10:10,830 --> 01:10:11,829
your greatest film.
1574
01:10:11,830 --> 01:10:14,829
That would be like Rob Lowe
naming his son "Nothing."
1575
01:10:14,830 --> 01:10:17,829
[ Laughter ]
1576
01:10:17,830 --> 01:10:19,829
[ Chuckles ]
1577
01:10:19,830 --> 01:10:21,830
The truth is, Rob,
roasting you wasn't easy.
1578
01:10:22,707 --> 01:10:24,829
I mean, what can I really say
about you that hasn't
1579
01:10:24,830 --> 01:10:26,829
already been said in court
by three nannies, a chef,
1580
01:10:26,830 --> 01:10:28,829
and an underage girl
from Atlanta?
1581
01:10:28,830 --> 01:10:29,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1582
01:10:29,830 --> 01:10:34,829
So, from one androgynous legend
to another,
1583
01:10:34,830 --> 01:10:36,829
I really hope
you had fun tonight.
1584
01:10:36,830 --> 01:10:37,829
And remember, Rob...
1585
01:10:37,830 --> 01:10:39,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1586
01:10:39,830 --> 01:10:42,829
we never meant
to cause you any sorrow.
1587
01:10:42,830 --> 01:10:43,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1588
01:10:43,830 --> 01:10:46,829
We never meant
to cause you any pain.
1589
01:10:46,830 --> 01:10:47,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1590
01:10:47,830 --> 01:10:50,829
But why couldn't it have been
you that O.D.'d...
1591
01:10:50,830 --> 01:10:51,829
[ Guitar strums ]
1592
01:10:51,830 --> 01:10:54,829
instead of the guy
who wrote "Purple Rain"?
1593
01:10:54,830 --> 01:10:55,829
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, Rob.
1594
01:10:55,830 --> 01:10:57,829
Prince!
Roast in purple!
1595
01:10:57,830 --> 01:11:00,829
[ Cheers and applause ]
1596
01:11:00,830 --> 01:11:03,830
♪♪
1597
01:11:06,830 --> 01:11:09,829
Announcer: Up next,
Rob gets the final word...
1598
01:11:09,830 --> 01:11:11,829
I'm afraid it's too late
to get out of it now.
1599
01:11:11,830 --> 01:11:14,829
...when the
Roast of Rob Lowe continues.
1600
01:11:14,830 --> 01:11:17,829
Rob, you've always been my hero,
never more so than tonight.
1601
01:11:17,830 --> 01:11:18,829
Love you.
1602
01:11:18,830 --> 01:11:20,829
-Love you.
-I enjoy you.
1603
01:11:20,830 --> 01:11:21,829
I enjoy you.
1604
01:11:21,830 --> 01:11:24,830
All: Rob Lowe!
Act like you know!
1605
01:11:26,014 --> 01:11:28,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1606
01:11:28,314 --> 01:11:31,314
♪♪
1607
01:11:33,314 --> 01:11:34,313
All right.
1608
01:11:34,314 --> 01:11:36,313
It's time we finally hear
1609
01:11:36,314 --> 01:11:38,313
from our guest of honor,
Rob Lowe.
1610
01:11:38,314 --> 01:11:41,314
[ Cheers and applause ]
1611
01:11:43,314 --> 01:11:46,149
Rob's secret to keeping
his face looking so young --
1612
01:11:46,314 --> 01:11:48,313
having over 1,000 women
sit on it.
1613
01:11:48,314 --> 01:11:51,313
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
1614
01:11:51,314 --> 01:11:53,313
Rob wrote a memoir called
1615
01:11:53,314 --> 01:11:54,313
"Stories I Only Tell
My Friends."
1616
01:11:54,314 --> 01:11:57,313
Chapter 1 --
"The Day I Fucked Your Wife."
1617
01:11:57,314 --> 01:12:02,313
[ Laughter ]
1618
01:12:02,314 --> 01:12:04,313
You're almost up.
Uh...
1619
01:12:04,314 --> 01:12:07,313
Despite all the insane jokes
you've heard about Rob,
1620
01:12:07,314 --> 01:12:09,313
he's actually had
a great career, obviously.
1621
01:12:09,314 --> 01:12:10,314
Rob has been in some
of the most successful movies
1622
01:12:10,816 --> 01:12:12,313
of our lifetime --
1623
01:12:12,314 --> 01:12:14,313
I'm sorry -- on Lifetime.
1624
01:12:14,314 --> 01:12:17,313
[ Laughter ]
1625
01:12:17,314 --> 01:12:19,313
We've had a lot of fun
with Rob tonight,
1626
01:12:19,314 --> 01:12:21,313
and just like his movies,
1627
01:12:21,314 --> 01:12:22,313
now he's gonna ruin it
by talking.
1628
01:12:22,314 --> 01:12:24,313
[ Laughter ]
1629
01:12:24,314 --> 01:12:25,313
The truth is,
Rob's a great guy.
1630
01:12:25,314 --> 01:12:26,313
He's a great family man.
1631
01:12:26,314 --> 01:12:28,313
I did "Tommy Boy" with him.
I love him.
1632
01:12:28,314 --> 01:12:31,313
Please welcome
the man of the hour --
1633
01:12:31,314 --> 01:12:32,313
And I hope
we're still friends -- Rob Lowe.
1634
01:12:32,314 --> 01:12:35,440
[ Cheers and applause ]
1635
01:12:36,314 --> 01:12:38,314
♪♪
1636
01:12:50,314 --> 01:12:54,313
[ Sighs heavily ]
1637
01:12:54,314 --> 01:12:59,313
We are at a unique moment
in our country's history.
1638
01:12:59,314 --> 01:13:01,313
Tonight is neither the time
1639
01:13:01,314 --> 01:13:04,313
nor the place to sow
the seeds of divisiveness.
1640
01:13:04,314 --> 01:13:06,313
Words matter.
1641
01:13:06,314 --> 01:13:08,313
People matter.
1642
01:13:08,314 --> 01:13:10,313
Black lives matter.
-Whoo!
1643
01:13:10,314 --> 01:13:11,313
-Yeah!
-Not enough to have
1644
01:13:11,314 --> 01:13:13,313
a black person on the dais,
but trust me, they --
1645
01:13:13,314 --> 01:13:16,313
they matter.
[ Laughter ]
1646
01:13:16,314 --> 01:13:19,313
I want to thank Spade
for hosting tonight.
1647
01:13:19,314 --> 01:13:21,313
He was -- He was amazing.
1648
01:13:21,314 --> 01:13:23,313
Love you. Love you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
1649
01:13:23,314 --> 01:13:26,313
Oh, by the way, um,
1650
01:13:26,314 --> 01:13:27,313
"SNL" has just released
a compilation
1651
01:13:27,314 --> 01:13:29,313
of David's funniest sketches.
1652
01:13:29,314 --> 01:13:31,313
It's called
"The Best of Chris Farley."
1653
01:13:31,314 --> 01:13:33,313
[ Laughter ]
1654
01:13:33,314 --> 01:13:35,313
[ Applause ]
1655
01:13:35,314 --> 01:13:38,313
You know, when they asked me
to choose my dais,
1656
01:13:38,314 --> 01:13:41,313
number 18 was number one.
1657
01:13:41,314 --> 01:13:44,313
Peyton Manning is a two-time
Super Bowl Champion...
1658
01:13:44,314 --> 01:13:46,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1659
01:13:46,314 --> 01:13:48,313
and a certain Hall of Famer,
1660
01:13:48,314 --> 01:13:49,313
but it didn't give him
a big head.
1661
01:13:49,314 --> 01:13:51,313
That came
from years of inbreeding.
1662
01:13:51,314 --> 01:13:54,314
[ Laughter ]
1663
01:13:58,314 --> 01:14:00,313
Peyton's here tonight
to show Zika babies
1664
01:14:00,314 --> 01:14:02,313
it could really be much worse.
1665
01:14:02,314 --> 01:14:05,313
[ Audience ohhs ]
1666
01:14:05,314 --> 01:14:07,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1667
01:14:07,314 --> 01:14:10,313
Waiting for that one.
1668
01:14:10,314 --> 01:14:13,313
You know, Rolling Stone
has called Jewel
1669
01:14:13,314 --> 01:14:15,313
the poet laureate
of her generation.
1670
01:14:15,314 --> 01:14:17,313
Hey Jewel, I've got a poem.
1671
01:14:17,314 --> 01:14:19,313
"Roses are red.
Your music sucks."
1672
01:14:19,314 --> 01:14:21,313
[ Laughter ]
1673
01:14:21,314 --> 01:14:24,313
You suck at poetry, too?
Wow!
1674
01:14:24,314 --> 01:14:26,313
Jewel has performed
for the Pope.
1675
01:14:26,314 --> 01:14:28,313
In fact, it's the reason
the Pope insists
1676
01:14:28,314 --> 01:14:31,313
on always being
in a soundproof glass box.
1677
01:14:31,314 --> 01:14:34,314
[ Laughter ]
1678
01:14:36,314 --> 01:14:38,313
Pete Davidson.
1679
01:14:38,314 --> 01:14:40,313
Yeah, good to have
you here tonight.
1680
01:14:40,314 --> 01:14:41,313
You know...
1681
01:14:41,314 --> 01:14:44,313
[ Laughter ]
1682
01:14:44,314 --> 01:14:46,313
...as he talks about
in his stand-up --
1683
01:14:46,314 --> 01:14:49,313
and everywhere else --
he lost his father on 9/11.
1684
01:14:49,314 --> 01:14:52,313
Pete, your performance
tonight was a fitting tribute
1685
01:14:52,314 --> 01:14:54,313
to your dad
because it was like watching
1686
01:14:54,314 --> 01:14:56,313
a third plane hit
the World Trade Center.
1687
01:14:56,314 --> 01:14:57,313
[ Audience groans ]
1688
01:14:57,314 --> 01:15:00,313
-Hey.
-That's awful!
1689
01:15:00,314 --> 01:15:02,313
No, really, I actually --
1690
01:15:02,314 --> 01:15:04,313
I do think you're going to be
the next Adam Sandler.
1691
01:15:04,314 --> 01:15:07,313
And I knew it the minute
I saw David Spade blowing you
1692
01:15:07,314 --> 01:15:08,313
before the show.
1693
01:15:08,314 --> 01:15:10,313
[ Laughter ]
1694
01:15:10,314 --> 01:15:14,313
[ Applause ]
I like the follow-through,
Mr. Lowe.
1695
01:15:14,314 --> 01:15:16,313
I made my wife laugh.
[Chuckles] What a rarity.
1696
01:15:16,314 --> 01:15:17,313
Um...
1697
01:15:17,314 --> 01:15:20,313
[ Laughter ]
1698
01:15:20,314 --> 01:15:23,313
It's 56 days to Halloween,
1699
01:15:23,314 --> 01:15:26,313
but I see that Ann Coulter's
already in her skeleton costume.
1700
01:15:26,314 --> 01:15:29,313
[ Applause ]
1701
01:15:29,314 --> 01:15:34,313
People ask, "Why is Ann Coulter
here tonight?"
1702
01:15:34,314 --> 01:15:35,313
Answer --
1703
01:15:35,314 --> 01:15:38,313
Because the right-to-lifers
wanted everyone to see
1704
01:15:38,314 --> 01:15:40,313
what an abortion looks like
up close.
1705
01:15:40,314 --> 01:15:42,313
[ Audience ohhs ]
1706
01:15:42,314 --> 01:15:45,313
[ Laughter ]
1707
01:15:45,314 --> 01:15:48,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1708
01:15:48,314 --> 01:15:51,313
And, you know, Ann,
after seeing your set tonight,
1709
01:15:51,314 --> 01:15:53,313
I think we've all witnessed
the first bombing
1710
01:15:53,314 --> 01:15:55,313
that you can't blame
on a Muslim.
1711
01:15:55,314 --> 01:15:59,313
[ Laughter ]
1712
01:15:59,314 --> 01:16:01,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1713
01:16:01,314 --> 01:16:03,313
Rob Riggle!
1714
01:16:03,314 --> 01:16:05,313
Rob, as we learn tonight, is
a lieutenant colonel
1715
01:16:05,314 --> 01:16:08,313
in the Marines
and served in Afghanistan.
1716
01:16:08,314 --> 01:16:11,313
By the way,
great job on that.
1717
01:16:11,314 --> 01:16:14,314
[ Laughter ]
1718
01:16:16,314 --> 01:16:19,313
Rob was then going
to serve his country further
1719
01:16:19,314 --> 01:16:22,313
as a navy pilot,
but he decided to drop out
1720
01:16:22,314 --> 01:16:24,313
and pursue a career
in Hollywood,
1721
01:16:24,314 --> 01:16:26,313
like a true American
piece of shit.
1722
01:16:26,314 --> 01:16:30,313
[ Laughter ]
1723
01:16:30,314 --> 01:16:33,313
Jimmy Carr.
1724
01:16:33,314 --> 01:16:36,313
Born to Irish Catholic parents,
raised Catholic,
1725
01:16:36,314 --> 01:16:38,313
Jimmy first knew
he was funny at age 9
1726
01:16:38,314 --> 01:16:40,313
when he made his priest laugh
so hard
1727
01:16:40,314 --> 01:16:42,313
that cum shot out of his nose.
1728
01:16:42,314 --> 01:16:45,313
[ Laughter ]
1729
01:16:45,314 --> 01:16:48,313
True story.
1730
01:16:48,314 --> 01:16:50,313
Oh, boy.
1731
01:16:50,314 --> 01:16:54,313
Ralphie Macchio,
1732
01:16:54,314 --> 01:16:57,313
my old buddy
from "The Outsi--" Stay gold.
1733
01:16:57,314 --> 01:16:58,313
You know, I never told you
how amazing you were
1734
01:16:58,314 --> 01:17:00,313
in that scene in the movie
1735
01:17:00,314 --> 01:17:03,313
where you're beaten up
in the park.
1736
01:17:03,314 --> 01:17:05,607
Sadly, that happened
to Ralph again just last week.
1737
01:17:06,314 --> 01:17:08,313
[ Laughter ]
1738
01:17:08,314 --> 01:17:09,313
That's the chance you take
1739
01:17:09,314 --> 01:17:12,313
when you sleep
in a park every night.
1740
01:17:12,314 --> 01:17:16,313
I've been fortunate enough
to have been a five-time honoree
1741
01:17:16,314 --> 01:17:20,313
in People magazine's
"50 Most Beautiful People" --
1742
01:17:20,314 --> 01:17:22,313
truly a career highlight.
1743
01:17:22,314 --> 01:17:24,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1744
01:17:24,314 --> 01:17:26,313
But it should also be noticed
that Jeff Ross is
1745
01:17:26,314 --> 01:17:29,313
also a five-time honoree
1746
01:17:29,314 --> 01:17:31,313
in Fat Shit magazine's
"50 Fattest Shits."
1747
01:17:31,314 --> 01:17:35,313
[ Laughter ]
1748
01:17:35,314 --> 01:17:37,314
Jeff Ross is
also a five-time honoree
1749
01:17:37,524 --> 01:17:39,313
in Man Tit magazine's
1750
01:17:39,314 --> 01:17:42,313
"50 People Who Can Swallow
an Entire Pumpkin."
1751
01:17:42,314 --> 01:17:45,313
[ Laughter ]
1752
01:17:45,314 --> 01:17:47,313
What are you picking
on me for?
1753
01:17:47,314 --> 01:17:50,313
Jeff Ross is also
a five-time honoree
1754
01:17:50,314 --> 01:17:53,313
in Leukemia Face magazine's
1755
01:17:53,314 --> 01:17:55,313
"50 People Who Look Like Eskimos
1756
01:17:55,314 --> 01:17:57,313
on Round Four
of Chemotherapy Treatment."
1757
01:17:57,314 --> 01:18:00,313
[ Laughter ]
1758
01:18:00,314 --> 01:18:02,313
What did I ever do
to you?
1759
01:18:02,314 --> 01:18:03,313
[ Laughs ]
1760
01:18:03,314 --> 01:18:07,313
Oh, my God,
this has been fun.
1761
01:18:07,314 --> 01:18:09,313
You know, tonight is
the kind of experience
1762
01:18:09,314 --> 01:18:13,313
that I am absolutely certain
to remember for several days.
1763
01:18:13,314 --> 01:18:16,313
[ Laughter ]
1764
01:18:16,314 --> 01:18:17,313
And I want to thank everybody
1765
01:18:17,314 --> 01:18:22,313
for trying to get
under my flawless skin.
1766
01:18:22,314 --> 01:18:24,313
But I really do want
to thank everyone
1767
01:18:24,314 --> 01:18:27,191
for taking the time
to be here tonight.
1768
01:18:27,314 --> 01:18:29,313
I want to thank
my wife of 25 years,
1769
01:18:29,314 --> 01:18:31,313
Sheryl Lowe...
[ Cheers and applause ]
1770
01:18:31,314 --> 01:18:35,313
my sons, Matthew and John Owen.
1771
01:18:35,314 --> 01:18:39,313
I hope it wasn't
too painful for you.
1772
01:18:39,314 --> 01:18:42,313
And I want to thank my fans
for all the years of support.
1773
01:18:42,314 --> 01:18:45,313
We've been in this relationship
a long time,
1774
01:18:45,314 --> 01:18:47,313
and it continues to be my honor.
1775
01:18:47,314 --> 01:18:51,313
You know, 26 years ago,
just before I quit drinking,
1776
01:18:51,314 --> 01:18:54,313
I had been nominated
for my fourth Golden Globe.
1777
01:18:54,314 --> 01:18:57,313
Publicly, it seemed like
I was on top of the world,
1778
01:18:57,314 --> 01:19:00,313
but privately
I had hit rock bottom,
1779
01:19:00,314 --> 01:19:02,313
so I got sober.
1780
01:19:02,314 --> 01:19:04,313
And that led me to this life
1781
01:19:04,314 --> 01:19:05,313
that I'm so grateful
to have today.
1782
01:19:05,314 --> 01:19:08,314
But as I sat here tonight
being constantly reminded
1783
01:19:09,314 --> 01:19:10,313
of my shortcomings,
1784
01:19:10,314 --> 01:19:12,313
surrounded
by this cast of mutants --
1785
01:19:12,314 --> 01:19:14,313
I'm sorry, Ann --
racist mutants...
1786
01:19:14,314 --> 01:19:17,314
[ Laughter ]
1787
01:19:21,314 --> 01:19:22,314
...it hit me.
1788
01:19:22,732 --> 01:19:25,313
I didn't hit rock bottom
26 years ago.
1789
01:19:25,314 --> 01:19:27,313
I hit rock bottom
an hour and a half ago.
1790
01:19:27,314 --> 01:19:30,313
How the fuck
did I end up here?
1791
01:19:30,314 --> 01:19:33,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1792
01:19:33,314 --> 01:19:36,313
You know?
1793
01:19:36,314 --> 01:19:39,313
I think it's because
I stopped drinking.
1794
01:19:39,314 --> 01:19:41,313
Well...
1795
01:19:41,314 --> 01:19:42,313
that ends tonight!
1796
01:19:42,314 --> 01:19:45,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1797
01:19:45,314 --> 01:19:50,313
Because it's never too late
to start making good choices.
1798
01:19:50,314 --> 01:19:52,313
Oh, and by the way,
1799
01:19:52,314 --> 01:19:55,313
if anybody's got blow,
I'll meet you in the bathroom.
1800
01:19:55,314 --> 01:19:56,313
I'm looking at you,
Peyton Manning.
1801
01:19:56,314 --> 01:19:59,313
Thank you!
And good night!
1802
01:19:59,314 --> 01:20:02,313
[ Cheers and applause ]
1803
01:20:02,314 --> 01:20:04,313
[ Steel Panther's "The Burden
Of Being Wonderful" plays ]
1804
01:20:04,314 --> 01:20:09,274
♪ The perfect body,
the perfect face ♪
1805
01:20:09,314 --> 01:20:12,313
♪ It's like God's best work
all in one place ♪
1806
01:20:12,314 --> 01:20:16,313
♪ But the haters
hate perfection ♪
1807
01:20:16,314 --> 01:20:20,313
♪ Can't you see?
1808
01:20:20,314 --> 01:20:25,313
♪ It's a burden being wonderful
like me ♪
1809
01:20:25,314 --> 01:20:28,314
♪♪
1810
01:20:35,697 --> 01:20:38,696
Jewel, killing it.
You did so fucking good.
1811
01:20:38,697 --> 01:20:40,696
-You did fabulous in there.
-Okay.
1812
01:20:40,697 --> 01:20:43,696
I said,
"Rob, stick to your day job."
1813
01:20:43,697 --> 01:20:45,696
Peyton crushed it.
1814
01:20:45,697 --> 01:20:46,696
That's a good night
of television.
1815
01:20:46,697 --> 01:20:47,696
It was awesome.
1816
01:20:47,697 --> 01:20:49,696
Pete Davidson was
real funny.
1817
01:20:49,697 --> 01:20:52,697
It's over, and now I can have
a drink with Rob Riggle.
1818
01:20:53,449 --> 01:20:54,697
Cheers.
1819
01:20:56,697 --> 01:20:59,696
Ross: That was more fun than
people are supposed to have.
1820
01:20:59,697 --> 01:21:00,696
I think Rob Lowe had
a good time.
1821
01:21:00,697 --> 01:21:02,696
I know he did.
1822
01:21:02,697 --> 01:21:04,697
I thought I'd be dead.
I'm still alive. All right.
Nice job.
132284
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