Original subtitles

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they met, it was murder.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS]

[AIRPLANE ROARING]

Oh, darling.

Isn't it wonderful to land in your own back yard?

It does beat the view at LAX, doesn't it? Ahh.

WOMAN: Yeah, and you don't have anybody like me

who cares waitin' for ya.

[LAUGHING] Oh, Roxy.

What kept ya? I was gettin' worried.

Jonathan decided to buzz the Grand Canyon.

That figures. Hey, where's Freeway?

Oh, Freeway! Come here, baby.

[BARKS]

Aw, there he is.

Hey, what about Maxwell? Didn't he come?

Or did ya have to drop him

in order to clear the mountains? Ha-ha!

♪ Mamas, don't let your babies ♪

♪ Grow up to be cowboys ♪

Whoo-whee!

That man sure gives new meaning

to the term "drugstore cowboy."

[LAUGHS]

I love it when she's like that.

It means she misses us.

Well, of course I missed ya.

But dadgumit it,

for folks who have the finest spread in the entire state, ha,

you sure do spend a horrendous amount of time in that city.

Well, we do that for Max.

You see, he likes to hang out in delicatessens.

Yeah, look at that. Not a pastrami in sight.

Roxy... Yeah?

why'd you bring our horses?

Well, uh, can you think of a better way for you all

to get back to the ranch house?

Yeah, the truck.

ROXY: Looks like Freeway can't hold his horses.

Hey, now, Johnny, I don't want any guff from you.

I'm telling ya, it's for your own good.

I'm telling ya, Johnny,

roundup time's tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn.

And you two are gonna need about as much saddle time

as you can get.

Well, go on, Johnny, get.

Well, Johnny...

get. [CHUCKLES]

[ENGINE STARTS] Whoa.

Last one home does the lunch dishes!

Yeehaw!

♪ ♪

Why did we ever hire that woman?

Oh, you love it.

Give me a leg up.

Aside from her being the best foreman in the county...

[GRUNTS]

...you just love the way she bullies you.

Well...

Last one to the ranch house has dishpan hands.

[BLOWS KISS & WHOOPS]

JENNIFER: Anyways, you wouldn't believe,

I suddenly look back

as we were bouncing over the Grand Canyon,

and there was Max with a bag for himself

and a bag for Freeway.

[WOMEN LAUGH] MAX: Cheer up, boss.

I've seen a lot dirtier dishes in my time.

You would never see the Marlboro Man

up to his elbow in soapsuds.

Well, the Marlboro Man wouldn't have come in last.

Keep smiling, pie face. You're gonna dry.

[LAUGHING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR] ROXY: Oh.

I'll get that. No, no. I'll... I'll get it.

Anybody want some more coffee?

ROXY: I'd love it. Hey, I hope I didn't get

too much mustard on your sandwich.

Oh, it was great. Just hit the spot.

Look who's here.

Oh, hiya, Raintree. Glad to see ya.

Hey, Tom.

How you doing? JENNIFER: Great.

Spotted your plane this morning.

I've got a cold one waiting with your name on it.

Just a minute. I have a little "welcome home" present

out here for Jennifer.

For me? Yeah.

Well, don't be shy, Raintree.

Whatever it is, bring it on in.

If you say so.

Get down. Oh, I love presents.

Will you make him mind me?

Freeway, get out... Go on over there.

[JENNIFER GASPS]

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

He's beautiful.

Oh, he's great.

His name's Cochise.

The Mrs. and I thought you might like him.

Ah, you shouldn't have,

but I'm awfully glad you did.

Ooh, you beauty.

Have I got somebody for you to meet.

Come on over here.

I want you to meet someone.

[FREEWAY BARKS] Come on.

Look at this, Freeway.

I can see what this is gonna be:

Love at first sight. Look at this.

MAX: As far as Freeway is concerned,

he's just an oversized dog.

I got a carrot for you

that's gonna knock your socks off.

I'll get that cold one for you. Great.

I heard you finally bought that ranch you wanted.

After ten years as a tenant rancher,

it's kind of nice being an owner.

Congratulations, Tom. How are you doing?

I got my herd up to 800

of the fattest, happiest steers you've ever seen.

Hey, I'll get that, Roxy.

I will do the honors, thank you.

Oh, great.

I heard that out-of-towner's been pressuring you to sell.

Yeah, but like I told him,

he's just wasting his breath.

Someone trying to buy your ranch?

Yeah, some big city lawyer.

In the past month, he's made offers

on half the ranches in the valley.

Anybody selling?

Not to that lawyer they're not.

Let's face it:

The ranchers are working the spreads

their great-granddaddies were born on.

And I'm telling you, it's gonna take a great deal more

than some pasty-faced flannel mouth

to get 'em to move, right?

I'll drink to that.

♪ ♪

Can I help you fellas?

Well, that depends how accommodating you wanna be.

Well, howdy.

[GRUNTS]

Now what are you gonna do?

Tie him up, what do you think?

I swear, Dudley, sometimes you remind me

of an old, constipated lap dog.

You really think this is gonna work?

Now, listen up, fat man.

By the end of this week, this entire valley's

gonna be sold for one dime on one dollar.

ROXY: If you guys soon don't get somethin'

on the other end of that line,

ha, it's gonna be burgers for dinner tonight.

I'll take burgers over fish any day.

Hey, Rox, I heard they built

that new chemical plant upriver.

Yeah, some outfit called, um, Sendrax.

They started operations a couple months ago.

I thought people around here would be upset about that.

I don't like that eyesore up there

more than anybody else, but, you know,

after reading that environmental impact statement,

we realized it wasn't the Three Mile Island

we imagined it to be.

So they run a pretty clean operation, you mean?

So far they are.

And the EPA is keepin' a pretty tight rein on 'em too.

Gin. Again? Oh.

♪ ♪

Now, I hate to break up the lawn party,

but you all are trespassin'.

Uh, we own the next ranch downriver.

Mr. Shellcoff, uh, let us fish this spot for years.

Oh, well, that was mighty hospitable of him.

But, you see, he don't own this spread anymore.

We're mighty well aware of that, smarty-pants.

Well, we, uh, sure would like to meet the new owner.

[CAR APPROACHING]

You might be in luck, mister.

'Cause that's him coming right now.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

Now, why don't you put that thing away.

Afternoon, folks.

Now, hold it. Hold it. Don't tell me.

You must be my new neighbors.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

Any old way,

Zeke Baillinger's the name.

And it's my pleasure to meet you.

Jonathan Hart, Mr. Baillinger.

Call me Zeke, Jonathan.

Only people I'm "Mr." to

are my last two wives and the IRS.

[LAUGHS]

And this lovely lady must be Mrs. Hart.

Oh, no, please. Jennifer.

And this is Roxy, Roxy McGuane.

Howdy.

And I'm Max.

My, it sure does me good

to have such a fine group of people

livin' right next door.

Mr., uh, Shellcoff used to let us fish

this spot all the time. I hope you don't mind.

Not an all. Be an honor.

As a matter of fact, you people can drop your line here

any day of the week.

And you can tell spoilsport I said so.

Why, thank you, Zeke.

That's very kind of you.

How you doin'? You caught anything?

Nothing yet.

We haven't gotten any nibbles.

♪ ♪

Mrs. H., ya got one.

Oh.

[JENNIFER LAUGHS]

Well, I guess I spoke too soon.

I'll bet it's a big one.

Some people have all the luck.

Oh, my God.

I'll take it, Mrs. H.

Give him a hand with that.

Pull that way.

[GRUNTING]

JENNIFER: Good morning.

Hello.

Boy, did I sleep great.

Say, Roxy, did they find out who that drowned man was?

Well, as I understand, it was some old prospector

that'd been workin' up in the hills.

But strange thing was, he didn't drown.

Oh? What do you mean?

Well, I... There was no water in his lungs.

I called the sheriff last night to check on it.

But they still don't know who killed him.

Hey, Roxy, the colt is gone.

I can't find him anywhere.

Where could he have gone?

Oh, he probably just wandered on down to the river

to keep the strays company.

Uh, we'll pick him up during roundup

and bring him back to the ranch.

Oh, yeah, we can go in one direction,

you can go in the other, we'll meet in the middle.

Great. See ya.

♪ ♪

[WHINNIES]

What's the matter, darling, you lost your way?

JENNIFER: Isn't that part of Tom's herd?

What do you suppose killed them?

I wish I knew.

Cochise.

Whoa.

He's still breathing.

We better get him back to the ranch.

Take it easy, baby.

We'll take care of you.

JENNIFER: Is he gonna be all right, doctor?

MAN: It's rather hard to tell at this point.

I won't know for sure till the tests get back,

but it looks like PCB poisoning.

JENNIFER: What's that?

Polychlorinated biphenyl.

It's a heat transfer fluid used in some industries.

That's probably what killed your cattle too.

And that old prospector we found yesterday.

There's a good possibility.

I hate to jump to conclusions.

But everything seems to point to the same fact.

The river's polluted.

But from where?

ZEKE: I can tell you from where.

That colt's been poisoned

by that chemical company upriver, Sendrax.

They're poisoning the whole valley.

You sure about that, Zeke?

As sure as I'm standing here,

with about 80 head of poisoned cattle on my ranch.

That chemical company's to blame.

Is there any other operation upriver

that uses something like PCB?

They're the only ones in the whole county.

Must have gotten a break in their lines,

unless they're dumping deliberately.

Roxy, uh...

Will you watch out

for Cochise for us?

You know I will, Johnny.

Jennifer and I are gonna get some water samples.

You can't just go breaking into a company like that

unless you got some pretty solid evidence.

Don't waste your time, Jonathan.

All the evidence you need is lyin' right there.

Don't worry, Zeke.

If those samples prove that Sendrax is responsible,

we'll shut that company down so fast,

they won't know what hit 'em.

Go get 'em, you two.

♪ ♪

I'm with you every foot of the way.

JONATHAN: So I figured we'd take one water sample

up above the plant,

then one every half a mile or so downriver.

We'll be able to find the point in the river

where contamination begins.

How did I manage to snag such a clever fella?

Well, there's a number of factors.

Oh?

Hard work,

determination,

and, uh, don't forget the back seat of my 1968 Jaguar.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry I asked.

Sixty-seven.

Jaguar.

You remembered.

How could I forget?

[GIGGLES]

Well, how much coal you figure is in

this valley here, Mr. Baillinger?

Oh, not too much.

About enough to heat Cleveland for the next 20 years.

[CHUCKLES]

I-I thought, uh, strip-mining was illegal

in this part of the state.

It is, thanks to those liberals.

Once I buy up all the ranch land around here

and get that new strip-mining bill passed,

we'll be sittin' pretty.

You mean, you got politicians on the string?

Val, it does my heart good to know

that in an age of windfall profit taxes,

there's still room for a little free...

♪ ♪

Get me those binoculars, Val.

Well, you bet.

Be right back, darling. Okay.

ZEKE: Well, our new neighbors.

I figured they'd be along here.

Oh, yeah?

What are they up to?

ZEKE: Takin' water samples along the river.

That's what they're up to.

If they do that, well...

then they'll know

the contamination ain't comin' from the plant.

Valman, the scope of your intellect

fills me with awe.

[EXHALES]

Ten down and two to go.

Great.

I am going to slip into the wettest bath

and the driest martini I can find.

All by yourself?

No, uh...

there's this fellow who's gonna come and join me.

Back this thing up.

Wait a minute.

Look at this.

Now, give it all ya got.

You can find beauty in some of the strangest places.

You're not kidding.

See, Val?

Gettin' a bonus out of Zeke Baillinger

don't take much. [LAUGHS]

Not much at all. Ha-ha-ha.

Let's get out of here.

[LAUGHING]

I'm real generous when it comes to funerals.

[COUGHS]

Oh.

Is that what they mean

about stopping to admire the flowers along the way?

Do we have any insurance for avalanches?

I suppose so...

if it was an accident. What do you mean?

Well, either a 10-ton rock came out of the clear blue sky,

or someone's trying to kill two Harts with one stone.

♪ ♪

I swear, Bradley, for most people, money talks,

but in your hands it is speechless.

Now, in case you haven't noticed it,

this is a buyer's market, Bradley, so buy.

You buy.

[SIGHS]

I turned this valley into a regular love canal,

and that lawyer of mine

says he can't get the ranchers to sell.

I guess we'll have to try some more chemical persuasion.

[KNOCKS]

Yes, Dudley, come in.

Well, the door was open, and I...

Please, tell me something I don't know.

Now, did you check on the Harts?

Sure I did, Zeke, but they weren't there.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, it took me nearly an hour of diggin'

just to find the truck.

Looked like a house fell on it.

Sure wasn't any bodies inside.

Well, go look for yourself, you don't believe me.

I knew you shoulda let me shoot 'em.

Don't worry, you'll get your chance.

Right now, we've gotta start working on

that other chemical spill.

And after this one,

every rancher in this valley will be beggin' to sell.

[COYOTE HOWLS]

JENNIFER: Oh, look. A shooting star.

Are you going to keep that wish to yourself?

You'll get the benefit of it.

Yeah, well, just make sure

you don't benefit him out in the streets

and scare the horses. [LAUGHTER]

Hey, Johnny, did you remember

to invite Tom Raintree to our barbecue tonight?

He told me if he could get away,

he'd ride up along the river.

Can you imagine how he must feel

losing more than a quarter of his herd

just this morning?

Ooh-wee. That's rough.

Did you invite Zeke Baillinger?

No.

And I'll tell you why.

From the very first time I laid eyes on that man,

why, he gave me a cold chill

right down the middle of my spine.

Really?

Well, he seemed very friendly to me.

Maybe. But I don't know.

I was in town today,

and I heard a pretty weird story about that man.

JENNIFER: What?

Well...

I ran into an old buddy of mine,

and he gave me the real lowdown

on how those bull horns got on the front of Zeke's Caddy.

I thought they came as standard equipment.

Those horns came off

of a $50,000 prize-winning Brahma bull

that belonged to Baillinger.

That is, until that poor critter happened

to kick Zeke in the shins

and smattered his leg all to smithereens.

That explains the limp.

Yeah, but it sure doesn't explain to me

what happened after that.

Do you know the minute that Baillinger got out

of the hospital, huh...

well, he personally, personally cut that bull

into a whole freezer full of steaks.

You're kidding!

The lord's truth.

And for two months straight after that,

why, he had that poor critter every way but poached

till there was nothin' left except the horns.

And those are the horns that are on the front of Zeke's Caddy.

What sort of a man would do such a thing?

♪ ♪

Nice of you to drop by, Raintree.

You're just in time to play Cowboys and Injuns.

Hey, there, boy.

Well, darling, what do you think?

Well, I think he's doing a lot better.

Hey, Cochise, now, I know this isn't

room service at the Waldorf,

but this is all we've got, so just take it easy.

Hey! That colt sure looks a lot perkier this morning.

Hi! Boy, honey, look at you.

You aren't even out of your P.J.'s yet.

Oh!

Would somebody mind telling mother superior that,

evidence to the contrary, we are still on vacation?

Mr. H.

Is that the results of the water test?

It sure is, boss.

Oh, and, Johnny, word has it in town

that they found some more cattle

poisoned down by the river this morning.

They did? ROXY: They sure did.

Darling, we've got to get that plant closed down

before anything else happens.

Well, that plant may not be responsible.

What do you mean?

Well, according to this,

the water analysis that was taken

was taken 10 miles downstream from the plant.

And that's the spot where the PCB was spilled?

Yeah.

Let's check that out.

Max, keep your eye on Cochise for us, will ya?

It'd be a pleasure, boss.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell ya.

That lawyer was in town again

this morning, trying to buy up ranch land.

Did you get his name and affiliations?

Not yet, but I got his license number.

Have the head of our legal department

check that out, will ya? You got it, boss.

Darling. Okay.

According to the test results,

the first contaminated sample was taken just around that bend.

Hey, that looks like Tom's horse.

Better get the sheriff, Roxy.

He's dead.

♪ ♪

Oh, what's taking that sheriff so long?

Darling, look at these.

Mm? What?

Tire tracks.

Looks like it comes from a very big truck.

JONATHAN: Yeah, and a truck with a very heavy load.

And this is the area

where the contamination first took place.

So maybe someone brought a tanker down here

and created their own chemical spill.

Knowing that Sendrax would take the blame.

Tom probably came upon 'em on his way to Purgatory.

Hm.

Look at that.

What is that?

A custom-made boot tip.

Darling...

It's conceivably possible that the same man

that killed Tom could have lost that in the process.

You could be right.

The sheriff will be interested in seeing that.

Sheriff, we found his body down there in that gulch.

Yeah. That's real bad what a fall from a horse

can do to a man.

Fall?

What are you talking about? He was murdered.

Heh! Now, that's a pretty morbid idea, Mr. Hart.

You got any evidence to back that up?

Outside of the obvious fact

that the man was beaten to death, yes!

There are some fresh tire tracks down there,

by the river, and that's not all.

Well, those, uh, tire tracks

could have belonged to anyone, darling.

Yes.

'Course they could.

Could have been a rancher, some fisherman.

Sure.

Sure, and the... And the tire tracks

could have come from a recreational vehicle.

Now, you just wait one little minute!

The sheriff might be right.

You know how dark it gets out late at night.

And, uh, Tom could have had a bad fall.

Now, there you go.

Now, don't that make a lot more sense than murder?

It's making more sense, sheriff, by the minute.

ROXY: So you think the sheriff's been workin'

for those lowlifes that have been poisoning the river?

Sure looks that way.

But what could they possibly have to gain?

Land, darling. Land. Whoever's behind this scheme

wants to buy up the entire valley

and real bad, for some reason.

So bad that they're...

Well, they're willing to destroy it to close the deal.

So that lawyer in town might be the purchasing agent

for the same people.

Now, all we have to do is to find out who "they" are.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, I think I hear Max comin'.

I sure hope he's got some answers.

MAX: Mr. H?

Yeah, we're in here, Max.

Hi.

I got some interesting news for you, Mr. H.

I traced the license number of that lawyer's car.

It's owned by a car rental agency in Durango.

Lucky for us, he used a credit card.

The credit card was issued

to a company called Western Mutual,

which is the real estate division

of a petrograph corporation

based in Giddings, Texas.

Where does all this lead us, Max?

Right to your next-door neighbor, Mr. H.

Both companies are owned, lock, stock, and barrel,

by Zeke Baillinger.

Let's check that out.

Be careful.

♪ ♪

What's the trouble, Dudley? You look worried.

I don't like it, Zeke.

Them Harts is getting too close for comfort.

Well, now, don't go worrying about our new neighbors.

Thanks to Val here,

before the night is out,

the Harts will be closing escrow

on an unmarked grave.

Yeah! Return to sender. Get it?

[LAUGHS]

Look at that!

Zeke's got the law in his pocket.

That must be the truck they use to transport the chemicals.

Let's take a look in the house and see what we can find.

So this is why Baillinger is so interested

in getting hold of ranch land.

Why?

Here's a plan to strip-mine the entire valley.

Look at that. Really?

I thought strip-mining was illegal.

It is at the moment, but there's an upcoming bill

in Congress to lift the ban.

It doesn't have much of a chance.

Unless you know the right people.

JONATHAN: What's that?

Records of payments to two senators.

So Zeke planned to buy himself a couple of swing votes.

Well, now, isn't this an unexpected pleasure?

Well, you know what they say,

"Mi casa es su casa."

Now, is that Spanish for "Prepare to meet thy maker"?

I think something was lost in translation.

[BUZZING]

Why don't you two just get over there and sit down

and make yourselves comfortable.

A couple of my boys will be slithering along in a minute,

and then we'll all take a nice, long ride

out on the range.

We'd prefer to take a rain check.

Now, get over there and sit down!

This is quite a future you've got planned

for the valley.

Yeah, thanks to those jokers in OPEC,

coal is making a real big comeback.

And believe it or not,

there's more than $250 million of it

lying right beneath this valley.

Just waiting for someone like you.

Well, when the going gets rich, the rich get going.

'Course I had to bump off a few people along the way

and a mess of cattle,

but $250 million is a mighty worthy cause.

Mighty worthy.

You might find this hard to believe

under the circumstances,

but before the day is over, Baillinger,

you're gonna be sorry you climbed out

from underneath your rock.

You know, Jonathan, for a dead man,

you got a lot o' spunk!

VAL: Mr. Baillinger.

Yeah, in here!

♪ ♪

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT] Whoa!

Don't just stand here. Let's go!

You okay?

Okay. Let's go.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Trythatwith a car.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Determined, aren't they?

Hey, we're sitting ducks out here.

We gotta find some cover.

We'll never make it back to the ranch house!

That ghost town, Purgatory, is just east of here.

Let's go!

He's still coming.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You go inside, and when the boys show up,

you come out, make an entrance,

and flash them one of those great, big,

beautiful backroom smiles.

♪ ♪

[TIRES SCREECHING]

I'm gonna cruise around.

Now, I don't care if they're alive or dead

or just plain crippled.

I want 'em.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[WHISTLES]

Hey, I'm sorry, it's out of tune.

You know, he's not nearly as ugly when he's asleep.

Well, let's just leave him that way.

Do you have another whistle left in you?

I think so.

[WHISTLES]

[YELLING]

Two down, and one to go.

Here.

He's still by the car.

Shall we spoil his day?

Why not?

You go over by that boarding house,

and I'll sneak up on him from the rear.

Okay. Watch yourself.

You too!

It's all over, little lady.

Now, let's just get over there against that wall.

Jonathan!

I got your wife!

Now, I'm gonna give you exactly 10 seconds

to give yourself up!

Otherwise, you can kiss the little lady goodbye!

One.

Two.

You hear me, Jonathan?

Three. Four.

Five seconds gone, Jonathan.

Six. Seven.

Eight.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Jonathan, get out of that car!

[YELLS]

Well, it looks like that Brahma bull had the final say.

Yeah, as far as Baillinger's concerned,

I think he made his point.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ROXY: Doggone it!

I just can't understand why in the world

you can't extend your vacation just a little longer.

Let's face it. All that world,

that city of yours has to offer is tow-away zones

and stage three smog alerts.

Well, I'm afraid it's Max's fault.

You see, he starts to get withdrawal symptoms

every time he spends a week away from the pavement.

I can't help it. I'm an urban cowboy.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Johnny, it's for sure, you're leaving the valley

in a lot better shape than ya found it.

I hope your river will be okay.

Oh, that reminds me.

I talked to the state water board this morning.

And they assured me that within a month,

everything's gonna be okay.

Oh, and, Johnny, You... You'll be sure now

to keep me posted on that strip-mining bill.

Oh, don't worry, Roxy.

As soon as our testimony is heard,

that bill will be about as popular in Congress

as a slush fund.

The same goes for those two senators

that were on Baillinger's payroll.

[HORSE SNORTS]

[DOG BARKS] What's that?

Must be Freeway.

You know how nervous he gets before he flies.

Well, Roxy, uh, we better get going.

You take good care of Cochise for us, will ya.

You know I will, Johnny.

I can hardly wait till the next time we visit

to see how much he's grown.

Yeah, me too!

Well, have a safe journey home, you hear?

Yeah, we will. What is that?

It's coming from the baggage compartment.

[DOG BARKING]

It must be Freeway.

[STAMMERS]

I'll go get him.

[WHINNIES]

Aw, Mr. H.

Ain't that cute?

Freeway wants to take him home.

Whose idea was that?

Freeway's. Oh, sure.

Uh, listen, Max, uh, since Freeway's English

is a little choppy,

would you mind telling me

how we're gonna take care of a year-old colt at the house?

We'll fix up the guest room.

Oh, woo! [BOTH LAUGH]

[HORSE WHINNIES]

♪ ♪