All language subtitles for Queen America 105

-Previously on...
-Hey, you go to OSU?

-I, uh, go to Tulsa, university.

- My dream house!

Been driving past this house
since I was a kid.

-You should go
to the open house.

-Vicki!
-Robert. I heard you were back.

-Yeah, about a month.
I miss Tulsa.

-You're pretty cute when
you're trying to cheer me up.

-That is the goal.

-I've gotten us paired
with Texas.

- The risk is obviously
being paired

with someone
who upstages you.

This means we'll be
working with Mandy Green.

-Why do you have
a picture of her in here?

-So that I don't forget
she's out there, living.

-Brittany and I are on our way
to Tulsa right now.

I can't wait to meet
Samantha tomorrow.

-Really looking forward to it.

- This is completely
unacceptable.

What kind of operation
are you running here?

-It's a Humphries
Electronic Super Center.

-This was supposed to be
a Miss Oklahoma event,

exclusively Miss Oklahoma.

But what, you just decided
to let Texas glom on?

-I wasn't really a part
of the decision making...

-Do you know
how many times Texas
has threatened to secede?

Now, I love
this country. Do you?

-Ma'am, the entire Humphries
corporation loves this country.

-Well then, you shouldn't be
undermining Miss Oklahoma's
campaign

in favor of a state that's given
us nothing but Vanilla Ice
and Astroturf.

-Look, ma'am, I don't totally
understand why this is an issue.

Last week I was doing
maintenance at a Shawnee store,

and now I'm running
a Super Center in Norman.

You see what I'm saying?
Today's kind of
a big deal for me.

- Vicki!

-Mandy!

- Well, I just wanna thank you so much

for letting us join today.

-Of course. This is exactly how
I wanted today to happen.

-Thank you so much for your help.

I'm sure you have a lot to do.

Oh, and congratulations
on your promotion.

- Thanks.
-Now, I know I just
sprung this on you last minute,

but if we're going to be paired,
I figured why not dive right in?

-I couldn't agree more.
-And this is such
a meaningful event for us.

Humphries is so important
to the Texas community.

Of course. I mean, obviously,
the Humphries family
is from Oklahoma,

so they're like royalty here.

Well, I suppose
they're important everywhere.

-They really are.
So important everywhere.

Particularly in Dallas.
Where Denise Humphries lives.

With her four
beautiful children.

-It's just so nice
to see you, Mandy.

Hmm.

-Great. Y'all sit right there.
You ladies look very pretty.

-Thank you.
-Very pretty.

-So, do you go by Sam or Samantha?

-Some people call me Sam.

-Cool. I like "Sam."

-Uh, come to aisle 5
and have your photo taken

with the ladies
who are competing

to be the next Miss America
Starred and Striped
United States.

-The guy in the camo hoodie

is 100% gonna jerk off
in the bathroom after this.

-Wait, really?

-Oh, definitely. He has all
the vibes of the sash chaser.

I really hate meet-and-greets.

- You don't look like you hate them.

-Just wait, you do this
long enough

and you'll be able to smile
like a psychopath

for 18 hours a day
no matter what's happening.

-We should hang out some time.
Gimme your number.

-OK. Yes, definitely.

-Hi, ladies.

-Hey, Sam!

-Manipulative little monster.

-She actually seems really nice.
She asked me to hang out.

-Absolutely not.
She might seem nice,

but trust me, that's only
because she's good at this.

-Good at meet-and-greets?

-No. Well, yes,
she's great at that, too.

-She has this ability
to make every person feel

like she's speaking
only to them.

-I know exactly what you mean.

-Yeah, we get it,
she knows how to work
an electronics store.

I was referring
to the mental voodoo.

She's trying to get into
your head, mess with you.

Psychological warfare.

-I really don't think that's
what she's trying to do.

-Oh, Samantha, so help me God,
you do not hang out
with that girl.

You can spend some time
with Mary instead.

-I want you to work with her
on her walk tomorrow.

She can't keep wobbling around
like some baby giraffe.

-When did rich people
get together and decide

they all need kitchen islands
to be 30 feet long?

I need an extra arm
just to clean this thing.

-Bella.

-What?

-Never mind.

You OK?
-Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

-I don't know,
you just seem happy.

-No, I'm not.

-Oh, OK, never mind, then.

-Actually, Mom, there is
something I wanted
to talk to you about.

-OK.

-Well, I need
a community service credit.

For school.

And I found this animal shelter
that needs volunteers.

But the thing is,
it's Saturdays and Sundays
here in Tulsa.

-Well, I don't mind driving you.

-Yeah, but that would be crazy,
having to constantly drive
back and forth.

I thought maybe I should
spend some weekends
with Aunt Vicki.

You wanna spend some weekends
with Aunt Vicki?

-No, I don't want to.

She's the only person
I know in Tulsa.

-Well, you can ask her, Belle,
but you know your aunt,

she'll probably be too busy.

She's not the type to change
her schedule for family.

And don't let her start messing
with your eyebrows or nothing.

-I mean it.

-Bella? Is everything OK?

-Hey, Aunt Vicki.
-What's wrong,
did something happen?

-What are you talking about?
Calm down, everything's fine.

- Sorry.

You just don't normally...

What's up, honey?

-Well, uh...

I have to do this community
service thing in Tulsa,

so I was wondering...

if I could spend
some weekends at your place?

- My place?

You mean at my house?
You wanna stay with me?

-If you don't mind.

-I think that would be fine.

-Awesome. I'll see you tonight.

-Oh, tonight?

Sure.

I'll see you tonight.

- Oh, my God! Sam!

Oh, I missed you so much!
-I missed you, too!

-We have literally
been telling everyone
how you used to work here.

You're our claim to fame.
-Oh, come on.

-Uh-huh. Everyone, everyone.

This is our very own
Miss Oklahoma U.S.

These are for you to take home.
You're getting too skinny.

-Thanks. But...
I can't eat these, Deb.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Sure you can.

-No, I really can't. Sorry.
-Oh.

That's fine, they're just, um,
the same stuff anyway.

Butter, flour, sugar.

So... they're, um, they're being
pretty strict with you, I guess.

-It's definitely different
than being Miss Claremore.

-Mm-hmm.
-I had to get totally
naked for a spray tan.

This woman used like this...
Hey!

-This woman used like
this handheld sprayer thing,

like this big.

And she basically contoured
my ass crack.

-Why would she do that?

-They just... take
every last inch into account.

Even the stuff
that stays covered.

-Oh, Jesus!

-But on the up side,

my ass looks awesome.

-So, how are you doing?

-Oh, good. Totally good.

-How's your family?

-The same, you know.

-Yeah.

Well, my parents definitely miss
having you over for dinner.

-Oh, I miss it, too.

-And I just want to let you know
that no matter what happens

when all this is over,
we got your apron here
waiting for you.

-Oh. Thanks.

But... hopefully...

hopefully... like, who knows
what will happen at Nationals?

-Of course. You never know.

But it's gonna be
real competitive.

And you should just be
so proud of yourself

for making it to state level.

That's huge.

So, if the time comes,
just give me a week's notice,

and I'll get you
right back on the schedule.

- You look like Savannah.
- You're Savannah?

- I guess I should probably tell you,
I'm not Savannah.

- Did not expect this.
Not at all.

-I'm actually Rene Mallone,

cofounder and CFO
of Painting Laboratories.

- Oh, my God!
-So, are you familiar
with the show Undercover Boss?

- I am, yeah.

- You are on Undercover Boss.

- Oh, my God, I'm dying.
You're killing me.

- So, Macy...

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Hey. What's up?

-Somebody's late.

-Excuse me?

-You're late.

Is there a boy or something?

-I'm sorry, are you
under the impression

that you and I are friends
who joke about our personal
lives with each other?

-No, Mary, I realize that's not
the dynamic here.

-And for the record, I'm allowed
to be late, you're not.

You know why?
-Nope, I sure don't.

-Because I'm not
Miss (bleep) Oklahoma.

Now stand up
and walk across the room.

-You just want me to walk
across the room?

That's it?

-What do you mean, "that's it"?

Girls have lost the entire thing
on their walk.

There's a science to it.

-Are you using the literal
meaning of the word "science"
right now?

-There is a specific
grading system.

Does the girl bounce too much,
does she walk on the beat,

does she fall and make fools
out of the entire team?

Walk across the goddamn room.

-Nope. You just placed
outside the top ten.

-Like this.

â?? Hey, daddy, daddy
would you look my way â??

â?? Let's get lost
in a new dimension â??

â?? Hah hah hah hah â??

â?? Hey, daddy, daddy
won't you come say hey â??

â?? So desperate for
your whole attention â??

â?? 'Cause we're livin' up
this life
so don't you leave â??

â?? You know, I just gotta
know you better â??

â?? Hah hah hah hah â??

â?? We're livin' up this life
so don't you-- â??

-I feel like that's what
I just did.

-Well, you feel wrong.
Your walk was on beat
to the music.

-Isn't that good?

-No. Makes it look like you're
in a (bleep) Gap commercial.

The goal is to walk
off the beat

and as natural as possible.

It's as if you don't even know
there's music playing.

As though you were so
goddamn beautiful and graceful

that the person looking at you
might think that they're
hearing music in their head,

that maybe you inspired
the music into existence.

-I'm worried
I'm not good enough.

-You're not, not even close.

However bad you think you are,
multiply that by three.

-OK. How do I get better?

-You probably don't.

But your best chance
is to listen to me,

listen to Nigel,
and most of all,
listen to Vicki.

And don't say stuff like,
"Oh, you just want me
to walk across the room?"

Now, while you think about that,
I'm gonna go get a Red Bull,

and when I return,
we're gonna do state capitals.

-Corrine keeps
sending me these...

photos of Caribbean cruises
she wants us to go on.

-The idea of getting stuck on
a boat with a bunch of strangers

sounds like a nightmare.

-She probably just wants
to spend time with you.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

-Can't blame her.

I'd like to put you on a boat

where you can't
run away from me.

-I really like you.

-A little bit.

-You doing this on purpose?

-Excuse me?

- You heard me.

-I did, and I'm still
not following.

-Why are you here?
-Uh, well, OK.

Uh, this is an open house

and I recently
moved back to town.

Need a place to live.

Do I need to explain further
or do you still not
understand the logic?

-Don't pretend you didn't know
what I'm talking about.

This is my house.

-Really? Then why
are you selling it?

-You know what I mean.

Every time we
drove past this house
since we were teenagers,

I talked about what my life
would be like if I lived here.

-Well, Vicki,
this is gonna shock you,

but I don't remember every
conversation we've ever had.

-Those were important
conversations.

-I don't know what you
want me to say.

- He always does this.

He thinks he can just come back

and immediately
get under my skin.

-You let him.
-I don't.

-You always let him.

I've tried to talk
some sense into you,

but you enjoy it too much,
until you don't...

-You act as though
I invited this.

-You are such
a little idiot sometimes.

-Stop it.
-You poor thing.

-Just stop it.
-Focus on the positive.

Imagine how much worse
it would be

if you had decided
to raise Bella with him.

Then you'd be really miserable.

All three of you.

-I know all this.

You're just repeating yourself
for the millionth time.

-What?

-He really would be
a terrible father, wouldn't he?

-And you, my sweet girl,
would be a terrible mother.

Like I said back then...
people like you and me,

not meant for parenthood.

My advice?
-Hmm?

-Forget Robert.
Distract yourself, get laid.

Not having to use condoms is
the best part about menopause.

Appreciate it.

-I'm not going
through menopause.

-Of course you're not, sweetie.

I'd definitely go
with the Sherri Hill.

The yellow's gonna
make Samantha look

like a skinny little banana.

- This car is amazing!

-Thanks. It was
my graduation gift.

What the hell is that?
-It's my sash.

-I know what it is, I'm asking
why you're wearing it.

-Well... aren't I
supposed to wear it?

-Not when you're going
to parties.

The last thing you need
is to have someone

take a picture of you
drinking in that sash.

-Well, I don't
really drink, anyway.

-You will tonight.

-Whoa. This place is so nice.

-I guess.

-How do you know
all these Tulsa people?

-The prep schools in Dallas
play the prep schools
in Tulsa in sports,

plus a bunch of us
went to camp together.

-Brittany! Hi!

You look so skinny! Hi!

-Oh, I have been living
at the gym.

This is Samantha,
Miss Oklahoma.

My competition.

-Didn't you go to Kingswood?

-Oh, no, that was
the other girl.

The one who crashed
into a Noodle Express.

I went to Claremore South.

-Claremore South,
like in Claremore?

-Yeah. We were the Pandas.

-Hey, Nathan,
we're really sober.

-What do you guys want?
Uh, Hefeweizen?

-That's perfect.
-No, thanks. Just a beer
would be fine for me.

You know what,
I'll just drink this.

I'm sorry.
-Your ex again?

-Just kid stuff.

She's supposed to have Grace
for the weekend,

but now she's trying
to get out of it.

I mean, I wouldn't mind,
but Grace will be upset;
she doesn't see her enough.

I'm sorry.

This is boring.

You have my full attention.

-That's OK, I'm not that needy.

So, how soon after your daughter
was born did you two split up?

-Well, we were barely even
together, to be honest.

She got pregnant after
a couple months of dating.

-And you didn't try to push her
down a staircase.
Good man.

- No. No. I mean...

It wasn't with
the right person, but...

it's still my kid, you know,
regardless what I think
of her mother...

-...which is very little.

What? What are you thinking?

-Just...

that you're a very nice man.

- And that makes you uncomfortable?

-Just suspicious.

Well, I'm hungry.

Oh, God, I am so sick
of everyone

putting truffle oil
on everything.

- You look terrified.
-What?

-It's OK.
This room is terrifying.

Like those guys?
They look so judgmental.

Yeah, this whole place is
kind of over-the-top.

-I know.
-Like that pillow.

Who is that pillow for?
It's so tiny.

Why would anyone want
a pillow that small?

-That is a ridiculous pillow,
now that you point it out.

-So, what brings you
to the party?

-I'm hosting it.

-Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

-It's fine, I agree with you.

This place is insane.

Here, let's start this again.

I'm Brandon,
this is my parents' house.

I have nothing to do
with how they decorated it.

-â?? I like the boys boys
boys boys boys â??

â?? And sometimes girls â??

â?? And sometimes girls
they get me kind of hot... â??

-The only bad part's
the parents.

I can't make
small talk about my kids'
reading level every day.

What?

-Uh, you have sauce
on your chin.

-Oh. Sorry.

Sorry.

Are you OK?
Where did you go?

-I'm sorry, I'm just suddenly
not feeling very well.

I'm... I think I gotta
get out of here.

-Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm just rambling.
We can go.

-No, no, you ordered food, so...
you should stay.

-At least let me
take you home, Vicki.

-You're in the middle
of your food.

Please, stay.

I'll just Uber home and...
and go to bed.

-OK.

OK, well, if you need anything
at all, call me.

Like anything.

Feel better.

-Margaux,
have you seen Brittany?

-You know, I think she left,
but I did see her taking photos

of you and Brandon getting
sloppy in the hallway.

-Brittany did that?

Oh, my God.

- Sorry.

-There you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

-You have?

-Yeah, dude. You disappeared.

-Thank God.

- OK.

Let me guess.

The phrase "psychological
warfare" was thrown around.

-How do you know that phrase?

-It's definitely
a part of pageants.

But it's not my thing.

It's not like I'm gonna
have sex with your dad

to get in your head.

-Girls do that?

-2015, Google it.

-What about the pictures
you took of me

making out with Brandon?

-What pictures?

-Margaux said you were
taking pictures of me.

- Oh, God.
You can't listen to Margaux.

I mean, she's technically
my friend, but she's
completely borderline.

-So you swear you weren't
taking any pictures?

-I mean, I was...
but they weren't of you.

It took me a while
to get the angle.

-Mandy would probably love it
if I brought you here
to sabotage you,

but... no.

I'll let Vicki
and Mandy's issues

be Vicki and Mandy's issues.

This whole process is crazy.

And lonely.

We need friends.

-It is crazy, right?
-Mm-hmm.

-I'm glad I'm not
the only one who thinks that.

-But in the long run,
it's worth it.

-Ah...

I don't know.

It might be for you.

-What are you talking about?

-I don't know
if you'll understand this,

but to me, all of this sort
of feels like a vacation

in a very different life
than mine.

And I'm almost scared
to want any of it too bad.

Because... in reality,
after my year's up,

I'm probably back to workin'
in the bakery

and living with my dad.

-You worked in a bakery?

Oh, my God.

I bet you were so cute
in your little apron!

-Oh, shut up!

Listen to me.

This is a launching pad.

You just have to play the game.

Look at 90% of news anchors
in every major city.

What do they have in common?

Pageants.

-Yeah, but... I'm not good
at this stuff like you are.

-I don't know how to say
the right thing all the time.

I might think something's
a totally fine thing to say,

and then it comes out all wrong.

And it seems like people
outside of Claremore

get offended really easily.

-Look, I wasn't born good
at this.

I trained
for an embarrassingly long time.

Vicki will make you better.

And then life can be
whatever you want.

So, why didn't you drink
tonight?

-Are you kidding?
I had like 11 shots
of JÀgermeister.

This is what I'm like
when I'm hammered.

-Oh, God. Go back inside.

What do you think you're doing?

-Make you smell like shit.

-You really are a piece of work.

-You comin' or not?

-The doctor diagnosed me
with juvenile diabetes.

-Oh, shit.
-Samantha, honey,
how's your health?

-I don't really like needles.
-Where have you been?
-With some friends.

I know make-out hair
when I see it.

-I have to drop you off four
blocks away from your house.
-Dad?

-Chris, hey!
-We need to rethink
the talent situation.

-It was really nice of you guys
to ask me to hang out tonight.
-Honey, this is a work night.

-Karaoke!
-I don't think I can do this.

You have to believe in yourself.