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DAFFY. I was in my office in the subwayterminal building, room 711.
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I was disposing of my last case.
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I needed a new case bad.
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Then the phone rang.
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(PHONE RINGING)
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I answered it. I said hello.
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Hello. Duck Drake, private eye speaking.
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What's on your mind, besides your hat?
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Yeah, yeah.
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The J. Cleaver Axehandle Estate, huh?
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Strange goings-on out there?
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Like what, for instance?
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MAN. Like, listen.
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(GUNSHOTS FIRING)
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(SCREAMING)
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(SIRENS WAILING)
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Like that, eh? Not interested.
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For 10 G's!
How do I know you got that kind of dough?
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(CASH REGISTER CHANGING)
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He's got it.
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(SCOFFS)
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I should've asked for car fare.
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(CASH REGISTER CHANGING)
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I decided I'd better hop out there.
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The Axehandle place was one of thoseplush 50-room mansions in Beveridge Hills.
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I rang the doorbell.
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The door opened. It was the butler.
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(LAUGHING)
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All right, Runnymede, why did you do it?
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Oh, what's the use?
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The suspicious-acting butler
is never guilty in these whodunits.
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Walk this way, sir.
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It ain't easy.
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Right here in the library, sir.
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All right, let's get to the bottom of this.
Where's the body?
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WOMAN: Was someone asking for me?
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Enter the inevitable amorous babe
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who's just crazy about
us hard-boiled gumshoes.
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And just who are you, sister?
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I'm the body, sweetheart.
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And I'm innocent. Do you hear me?
Innocent.
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This is innocent?
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Mmm, mmm.
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(BARKS)
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Oh, baby. You gorgeous hunk of duck.
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Why did you do it?
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I didn't do it, sweetheart.
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- I'm innocent.
- Oh, no, you're not.
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You did it, all right.
Guilt is written all over your face.
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Oh? Hmm.
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You did it and you're glad you did it.
You're despicable, just plain despicable.
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(STAMMERING) And...
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And you're cute.
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You hated the old goat.
You couldn't wait to get rid of him.
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Then, you saw your chance.
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And you drew your little pistol
out of your bag and you pointed it at him.
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(LISPING) And slowly squeezed the trigger.
Tighter and tighter and tighter.
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Not so tight!
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But you didn't kill him.
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(KISSING)
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You only winged him.
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You grabbed the deer rifle off the wall.
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He ran screaming from the room.
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(SCREAMING)
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And when he tried to sneak out
you let him have it.
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Yeah, pretty good shooting.
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But not good enough. He was still kicking.
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- So then what did you do?
- Search me.
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Business before pleasure. Please, madam.
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You were determined to exterminate him,
weren't you?
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Stop that! We have work to do.
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(BARKS)
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Yes.
You were determined to get rid of him.
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You evil woman, you.
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You cutie pie, you.
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And this time you weren't going to fail.
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Here, hold this.
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I'll bet he looks cute in a bathing suit.
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You held onto the end of the rope,
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and he entered the room, a little smile
on his puss, suspecting nothing.
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And when he got right here,
directly under the piano,
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you let go of the rope, didn't you?
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(PLUMMETING)
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You were getting desperate.
You had to finish him once and for all.
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And then you recalled
that the 5:15 ran right past your door.
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And that he always opened the door
to watch it go past.
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And you fixed it so that this time
it wouldn't go past!
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Hmm?
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And impatiently you watched the clock,
waiting for it to be 5:15.
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And at exactly 5:15, he opened the door.
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Sunday driver.
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It'll take more than that
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to keep Duck Drake from solving
this baffling crime.
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Crime, sweetheart?
Nobody's committed any crime.
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They haven't?
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Then why, I ask you, why was I
summoned here to the Axehandle Estate?
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Silly boy.
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The Axehandle Estate's
a couple of blocks up the street.
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(STAMMERING) Then you are innocent!
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Uh-uh, sweetheart.
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I'm guilty.
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No crime committed, but she's guilty.
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(LISPING) And what, pray tell,
may I ask are you guilty of?
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Of being crazy about you, sweetheart.
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Uh-oh, she's got that old ball-and-chain
look in her eye.
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Well, so long.
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(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
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