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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,047 BILL: 2 00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,047 You really think Jack 3 00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,047 can handle this case? 4 00:00:05,089 --> 00:00:06,674 CHARLIE: 5 00:00:05,089 --> 00:00:06,674 Yeah, he's a lawyer. 6 00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:08,050 FRANK: 7 00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:08,050 Besides, Bill, you're broke. 8 00:00:08,092 --> 00:00:09,552 He's the best lawyer 9 00:00:08,092 --> 00:00:09,552 you can afford. 10 00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:11,053 Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, 11 00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:11,053 okay? Uncle Jack 12 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:13,932 and I-- we got this case. 13 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:13,932 Now-now, listen to me. 14 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725 Liam McPoyle's gonna 15 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725 come at you hard, all right? 16 00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:17,894 But-but I've done my research. 17 00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:17,894 I got something with this 18 00:00:17,936 --> 00:00:19,270 bird theory that's gonna 19 00:00:17,936 --> 00:00:19,270 blow the court away. 20 00:00:17,936 --> 00:00:19,270 I-I... 21 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,939 I don't... I don't think 22 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,939 we should pursue 23 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,314 this bird nonsense, Charlie. 24 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,314 Yes. 25 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,066 I-I'm well-versed in bird law. 26 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,066 Look, 27 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:26,569 Pondy, keep your 28 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:26,569 eye on the prize. 29 00:00:26,611 --> 00:00:28,905 This goes well, 30 00:00:26,611 --> 00:00:28,905 it's party time. 31 00:00:28,947 --> 00:00:30,239 What is that? 32 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:32,074 Is that... is that drugs, Frank? 33 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:32,074 Yeah. 34 00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,492 No, dude, I need you 35 00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,492 keeping him clean, 36 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,786 all right? 37 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,786 That's why you're here. 38 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:35,787 I got to have 39 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:35,787 the drugs here 40 00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:36,996 to keep him clean. 41 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,080 Well, that doesn't make sense. 42 00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:39,248 I... Get rid 43 00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:39,248 of the drugs, Frank. 44 00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,083 I-I don't want that. 45 00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,083 Hey, boys. 46 00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:43,085 You ready for the big show? 47 00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:43,085 Yes, good, how you feeling? 48 00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:44,754 You good, you do your homework, 49 00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:44,754 you know your talking points? 50 00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:44,754 Yeah. 51 00:00:44,796 --> 00:00:46,505 Yeah, I'm good. 52 00:00:44,796 --> 00:00:46,505 Yeah, cool as a cucumber. 53 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,382 You can... 54 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,382 you can get off my back. 55 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,382 Well, don't sass me, 56 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:50,259 I just... It was just a general 57 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:50,259 Well, then don't hound me. 58 00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:52,511 question, Dee. 59 00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:52,511 I'm just saying 60 00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:52,511 if you don't want sass, 61 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,597 then you should probably 62 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,597 stop being a hound. 63 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,597 All right, whatever. 64 00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:56,098 Mac, why are you here? 65 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,935 This is your big day, dude. 66 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:58,935 McPoyle suing Ponderosa? 67 00:00:58,977 --> 00:01:00,937 It's huge, it's like the 68 00:00:58,977 --> 00:01:00,937 trial of the century. 69 00:01:00,979 --> 00:01:03,188 Come on, man, everybody's got 70 00:01:00,979 --> 00:01:03,188 a thing. Don't leave me out. 71 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,609 Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a 72 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,609 thing. Dennis has got a thing. 73 00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:07,986 Dennis has a thing-- 74 00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:07,986 what are you talking about? 75 00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:11,030 Oh! 76 00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:11,030 D... What are you doing here? 77 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,156 There's got to be a way 78 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,156 to get this court 79 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,908 to let me out 80 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,908 of my alimony payments. 81 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:16,160 I mean, have you guys seen 82 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:16,160 Maureen? The woman has gone 83 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:17,620 almost full cat. 84 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:17,620 It's-it's madness. 85 00:01:17,662 --> 00:01:19,204 I shouldn't have 86 00:01:17,662 --> 00:01:19,204 to pay for that, 87 00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,123 so I'm gonna talk to the judge, 88 00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,123 get him to throw it 89 00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:22,416 on the docket, 90 00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:22,416 you know what I mean? 91 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:23,960 No, absolutely not. 92 00:01:24,002 --> 00:01:25,127 That's gonna distract 93 00:01:24,002 --> 00:01:25,127 from my case. 94 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,211 Buddy, you don't 95 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,211 have a case, okay? 96 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,839 You are not a lawyer. 97 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,381 Uncle Jack's just 98 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,381 got you here handling 99 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,967 his papers for him 100 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,967 'cause he can't do it 101 00:01:31,009 --> 00:01:32,134 'cause he's wearing 102 00:01:31,009 --> 00:01:32,134 those goddamn... 103 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,428 big hands over 104 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,428 his hands. 105 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:36,806 I don't know what that 106 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:36,806 is. What is that? 107 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:36,806 I don't know what it is. 108 00:01:36,848 --> 00:01:38,557 All right, well, either way, 109 00:01:36,848 --> 00:01:38,557 this whole thing's gonna be 110 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,142 a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna 111 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,142 enjoy every second of it. 112 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,227 No, it's gonna 113 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,227 go fine. 114 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,227 No, it isn't. 115 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,188 No, it's gonna be fine. 116 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,188 This is hardly the trial 117 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:47,483 of the century. Everything's 118 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:47,483 gonna go just great. 119 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,425 On a scale of one to ten, 120 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,425 how much sass 121 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,260 are you gonna give me today? 122 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,260 A-Are you serious? 123 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,222 And hello to... you all. 124 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,016 What's the Jew lawyer 125 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,016 doing here? 126 00:02:20,058 --> 00:02:21,475 Not Jewish, 127 00:02:20,058 --> 00:02:21,475 and even if I was, 128 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:23,686 what difference 129 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:23,686 would it make? 130 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,187 I meant that 131 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,187 as a compliment. 132 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,773 Everybody knows 133 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,773 Jews are the best lawyers. 134 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,275 I can't wait 135 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,275 to crush you people. 136 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:33,195 I'll be representing 137 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:33,195 Liam McPoyle today. 138 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,989 Where is Liam? 139 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,989 Well, he actually 140 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,989 got pinkeye 141 00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:36,699 in his one good eye. 142 00:02:36,741 --> 00:02:39,451 Well, in truth, someone 143 00:02:36,741 --> 00:02:39,451 named Doc McPoyle 144 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,496 attempted to put some sort of 145 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,496 healing milk in his pinkeye 146 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,498 and it got infected, 147 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,498 but that doesn't matter. 148 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,084 The point is... 149 00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:48,586 you'll be dealing 150 00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:48,586 with me today. 151 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,838 And you'll be dealing 152 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,838 with me today. 153 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,506 Jack Kelly, lawyer. 154 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,800 Good to see you again. 155 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,677 Are those fake hands? 156 00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:59,597 No. 157 00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:59,597 Are those fake hands? 158 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:02,725 You know what, good luck 159 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:02,725 with all of that today. 160 00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,769 (sighs) 161 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,148 Did you see his hands? 162 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,148 They're beautiful. 163 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,233 I think we should settle. 164 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,233 What... 165 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,233 Jesus Christ. 166 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,235 I'm going to prison. 167 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,235 It's gonna be fine. 168 00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:15,071 67th District Court 169 00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:15,071 is now in session. 170 00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,948 Judge Clarence Melvoy 171 00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,948 presiding. 172 00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:19,491 Please remove your hats and 173 00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:19,491 turn off your cell phones. 174 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:23,287 Okay. We have 175 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:23,287 McPoyle v. Ponderosa. 176 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:26,082 Seeking damages for the loss 177 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:26,082 of an eye in the form 178 00:03:26,124 --> 00:03:28,918 of a one-time payment 179 00:03:26,124 --> 00:03:28,918 to the sum of... 180 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,253 $200. 181 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,880 Are the plaintiffs present? 182 00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:33,923 I will be representing 183 00:03:33,965 --> 00:03:35,174 the plaintiffs, Your Honor. 184 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,301 The defendants? 185 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,301 Uh, yes, Your Honor. 186 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,554 And I just, uh, wanted to say 187 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,554 I'm very excited 188 00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:42,932 to be here. 189 00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:42,932 I do estate law, 190 00:03:42,974 --> 00:03:45,143 and this is my first 191 00:03:42,974 --> 00:03:45,143 actual trial. 192 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:48,270 Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, 193 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:48,270 uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel. 194 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,314 Uh, background 195 00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,314 in bird law, uh... 196 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,484 Nephew. 197 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,484 Yeah. But excited to be, 198 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,484 uh, in the people's court 199 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,902 a-and a big fan 200 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,902 of black judges, 201 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:56,487 too. 202 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:56,487 Stop touching me. 203 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:59,573 Okay. Look. 204 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:02,076 All I need are the facts 205 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:02,076 to this case. 206 00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:03,995 I have a very long 207 00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:03,995 day ahead of me, 208 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,706 so I'm gonna need 209 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,706 to keep this thing moving. 210 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,875 Are you gonna 211 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,875 bang the, uh... 212 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,875 Yeah, yeah. 213 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,294 the-the hammer? 214 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,294 Do we...? Is there a...? 215 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,838 Here we go? 216 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,298 Hey. 217 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,298 (chuckles) 218 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,298 That's the... 219 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,591 Awesome. 220 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,591 Yeah. 221 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,301 It's cool, right? 222 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,301 Yeah, nice. 223 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:21,553 LAWYER: 224 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:21,553 Your Honor, 225 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:25,099 Friday the 13th 226 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:25,099 was a night of chaos. 227 00:04:25,141 --> 00:04:26,350 Milk, 228 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:29,187 spiked with bath salts 229 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:29,187 by this man, 230 00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,313 Bill Ponderosa, 231 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,691 was served 232 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,691 to the wedding guests. 233 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:36,318 Now, my client is odd. 234 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,279 You might even 235 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,279 refer to his family as... 236 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,117 ...very creepy. 237 00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:45,161 But they are saints 238 00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:45,161 compared 239 00:04:45,203 --> 00:04:46,704 to Bill Ponderosa 240 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,331 and the sordid lot 241 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,331 of degenerates 242 00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:51,250 he associates with. 243 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,045 Terrible people who ruin lives. 244 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,630 Ruined mine, 245 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,630 cost my client his marriage, 246 00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:59,842 ruined my first, 247 00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:59,842 now my second one is teetering. 248 00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,386 You know what... 249 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:04,138 I'm gonna sit down. 250 00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:05,514 I'm done. 251 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:08,350 They just do this to me, okay? 252 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,352 You get the point. 253 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,271 UNCLE JACK: 254 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,271 Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh, 255 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,564 I'll keep it brief. 256 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:16,358 I just have three things to say. 257 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,195 Uh, one: 258 00:05:19,237 --> 00:05:22,781 Liam McPoyle 259 00:05:19,237 --> 00:05:22,781 has a history of lying. 260 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,409 Two: My client 261 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,409 is a loving 262 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:28,079 family man. 263 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,372 And three: 264 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,499 He is innocent. 265 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,380 Deandra Reynolds, 266 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,632 you were the one that 267 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,632 told the police that Bill had 268 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,385 spiked the punch 269 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,385 with bath salts. 270 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,385 That's correct. 271 00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,429 But you didn't actually 272 00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,429 see him do it, did you? 273 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:48,390 No, I did not. 274 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:48,390 So is it possible that, 275 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:51,476 given the traumatic nature 276 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:51,476 of the evening, 277 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,771 that you don't 278 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,771 remember the evening 279 00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:55,773 all that well? 280 00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:55,773 Yes, that's correct. 281 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,691 My car was destroyed and I 282 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,691 was locked into a freezer. 283 00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,401 My memory was 284 00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,401 clouded by rage, 285 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:01,403 and so I misremembered 286 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:01,403 the incident. 287 00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:04,907 An understandable mistake. 288 00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:04,907 Could happen to any one of us. 289 00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:07,701 For example, 290 00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:07,701 you remember me, possibly, 291 00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:10,037 as a man with small hands. 292 00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:11,496 Yeah, you think... 293 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,624 What... 294 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,624 you think, 295 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,624 "He had small hands." 296 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:14,708 Do you remember that? 297 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:16,001 Yeah, sure, okay. 298 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,420 What you remember is false. 299 00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:19,463 O-Okay. 300 00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:19,463 Yup. 301 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,423 Big, masculine. 302 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,926 My hands tell a story 303 00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,928 of greatness. 304 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:28,430 And when you look 305 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:28,430 at my right hand... 306 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:28,430 MELVOY: I'm gonna st... 307 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,308 uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you 308 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,433 right now. 309 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:31,433 Are you just gonna 310 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,352 talk about your hands 311 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,352 for a while? 312 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,437 Uh, no, Your Honor. 313 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:38,357 No more questions 314 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:38,357 for the witness. 315 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,067 (sighs) 316 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,067 Deandra, 317 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,444 here is the statement 318 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,444 that you gave 319 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:43,612 to police. 320 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,447 "Bill did it. 321 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,447 That goddamn drug addict 322 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,699 "is out of his mind. 323 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,699 I'll testify to that. 324 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,035 "I swear on my mother's 325 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,035 grave that Bill spiked 326 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,620 "that milk, no doubt about it. 327 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,248 He's guilty, guilty, guilty." 328 00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:55,499 DEE: 329 00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:55,499 Uh... 330 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,708 Have you ever had sex 331 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,170 with Bill before? 332 00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:00,545 Yeah. 333 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,340 Yes, sure. 334 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,340 Because we-we were... 335 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,342 We had a... We were sort of... 336 00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:05,759 We were lovers for a little... 337 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,636 One of his prostitutes, right. 338 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:09,263 Prostitutes? 339 00:07:09,305 --> 00:07:13,392 Um, I have a receipt 340 00:07:09,305 --> 00:07:13,392 for a mink coat, 341 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,977 recently purchased 342 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,977 by a Bill Ponderosa 343 00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:18,981 to be delivered 344 00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:18,981 to a Dee Reynolds. 345 00:07:19,023 --> 00:07:20,941 A gift? 346 00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,485 Yes. I had a birthday. 347 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:24,486 Six months ago. 348 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:25,696 Uh... 349 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:25,696 Are you aware 350 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,323 that the coat was purchased 351 00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:30,368 at Doyle McPoyle's 352 00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:30,368 Trappings and Fur? 353 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:31,493 No. 354 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:31,493 Or that the coat 355 00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,162 was not made of mink at all 356 00:07:33,204 --> 00:07:35,497 but rather made of... muskrat? 357 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:38,542 Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? 358 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:38,542 Are you kidding me, 359 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,961 Bill? Okay, you know 360 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,961 what, fine, he spiked it. 361 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:43,714 (murmuring) 362 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:43,714 I'm sorry. What did you say? 363 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,549 He spiked it and then 364 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,549 he tried to bribe me. 365 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,592 (groaning) 366 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,803 No further questions, 367 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,803 Your Honor. 368 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:53,140 Ma'am, do you know 369 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:53,140 what perjury is? 370 00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:55,434 Mm-hmm. 371 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,228 CHARLIE: 372 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,228 Oh, this is terrible. 373 00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,603 Well, he shouldn't be ... 374 00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,603 This is terrible. 375 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,356 Wow, you guys are getting 376 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,356 crushed in there. 377 00:08:00,398 --> 00:08:02,149 Yeah. Oh, I know. 378 00:08:00,398 --> 00:08:02,149 Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great. 379 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,318 Hey, you know, I feel like 380 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,318 I'm not being utilized properly. 381 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,527 Well, that's 'cause 382 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,527 you don't have anything. 383 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,154 So you're not being 384 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,154 utilized at all. 385 00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,156 Yeah, but what if I get 386 00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,156 to deliver the bombshell? 387 00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,742 Oh. 388 00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,742 What bombshell? 389 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:14,245 You guys don't have 390 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:14,245 a bombshell? Oh, my God. 391 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:16,330 Every good case 392 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:16,330 needs a bombshell. 393 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,831 Oh, Jesus Christ, 394 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,831 and, without it, 395 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,334 you're screwed. You know 396 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,334 what, you know what? 397 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,334 Okay. 398 00:08:20,376 --> 00:08:22,336 I'll find one for you. I'm 399 00:08:20,376 --> 00:08:22,336 gonna do, like, a hero cop, 400 00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:23,795 Mark Fuhrman thing... 401 00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:23,795 Oh, Mark Furhman. 402 00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:23,795 No... 403 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,047 and then sort of transition 404 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,047 into a Kato Kaelin. 405 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,798 Yeah, I wish you 406 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,798 would do none of it. 407 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,259 Okay. All right. Cool. 408 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,259 I wish you'd do none of it, man. 409 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,593 I'm on it, I'm on it. 410 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,593 Shit. 411 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,593 Okay. All right. 412 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,636 Ah, why can't people 413 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,636 just stay out of this? 414 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,555 Yeah, look, 415 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,555 there's potentially... 416 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,555 That-That's my bird expert. 417 00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:36,267 He's from Penn. The guy... Like, 418 00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:36,267 he's totally official, okay? 419 00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:38,560 Let me do the bird thing. 420 00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:38,560 He's an ornithologist. 421 00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:38,560 I don't think it's a good... 422 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,145 I'm gonna kill, man. 423 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,145 I know, but, Charlie, 424 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,145 I'm just... 425 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,480 Uncle Jack, put me 426 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,480 back on the stand. 427 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,480 What? 428 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,023 No, we cannot. 429 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,023 Are you kidding me? 430 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,566 You're lucky you didn't 431 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,566 get sent to jail. 432 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,026 Yeah, I know. 433 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,026 But I think this could work. 434 00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:47,569 I'm gonna say 435 00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:47,569 I found some bullshit online 436 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:50,614 that proves 437 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:50,614 that lawyer's Jewish. 438 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:50,614 Oh. 439 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,451 So what? 440 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,451 So what? 441 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,451 He'll be a laughingstock. 442 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,577 (laughs) 443 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,577 Yes. Yes. 444 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,577 Right? 445 00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:57,413 Because the man is Jewish? 446 00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:02,042 No. What? No. 447 00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:02,042 Not because he's... 448 00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:02,042 Well, that's what 449 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,586 it sounds like you're saying. 450 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,586 N-Not because he's Jewish. 451 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,586 Because he's a liar 452 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:06,297 and because he's embarrassed 453 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:06,297 about being Jewish. 454 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:07,589 I mean, what is that? 455 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,300 Dee, you blew it. 456 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,300 Like, big-time. 457 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,302 I wish you guys would just stay 458 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,302 out of this. 459 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,677 I-I didn't... I-I... 460 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,677 (groans) 461 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,644 Maureen, you are the sister 462 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,644 of Bill Ponderosa, 463 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,605 and it was at your wedding 464 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,605 that Liam got attacked? 465 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,983 Meow. 466 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,983 Mmm. 467 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,487 Your Honor, nothing represents 468 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,487 the tragic aftermath 469 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:32,614 more than the dramatic 470 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:32,614 transformation of this woman... 471 00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:35,242 Uh, cat. 472 00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:35,242 Excuse me? 473 00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:36,827 As I transition 474 00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:36,827 from woman to cat, 475 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:40,622 I must insist on being 476 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:40,622 referred to as a cat. 477 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:43,083 Objection. 478 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:43,083 She's not a cat, Your Honor. 479 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:45,419 (hisses) 480 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:45,419 (gallery gasping) 481 00:09:45,461 --> 00:09:47,629 If the witness wants to consider 482 00:09:45,461 --> 00:09:47,629 herself a cat, I will allow it. 483 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,631 I just need to know 484 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,631 where all this is headed. 485 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,216 How is this relevant? 486 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,717 Well, it's clearly relevant 487 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,886 the attack had 488 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,886 a psychological impact 489 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,639 on all the parties 490 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,639 that evening. 491 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,850 No further questions. 492 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:03,354 Y-Your Honor, do you see what's 493 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:03,354 going on here? This is crazy. 494 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,482 You know what, I'm gonna... 495 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,482 I'm gonna approach the bench. 496 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,482 No. 497 00:10:06,524 --> 00:10:08,650 Can I just approach it 498 00:10:06,524 --> 00:10:08,650 real fast? 499 00:10:06,524 --> 00:10:08,650 Absolutely not. 500 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,487 All right, earlier, you-you 501 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,487 referred to my ex-wife as a cat, 502 00:10:11,529 --> 00:10:14,490 per her request. Uh, now, 503 00:10:11,529 --> 00:10:14,490 surely, you wouldn't force a man 504 00:10:14,532 --> 00:10:16,492 to pay alimony to a cat, right? 505 00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:19,578 So motion to establish me not 506 00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:19,578 having to pay alimony anymore. 507 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,039 I will not allow that. 508 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,039 Okay, well, so can we just... 509 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,039 we'll pop it on the docket? 510 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,957 We can put it at the end 511 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,957 of the day if you want. 512 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,126 I just want to clear it up 513 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,126 while I got her in a courtroom. 514 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,670 I will not allow that, either. 515 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,670 Sit down. 516 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,672 Now you don't allow something. 517 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,672 Now you don't allow something! 518 00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:32,674 Allow all this. 519 00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:32,674 You gonna allow that? 520 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:36,470 You know? But you don't... 521 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:36,470 Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it. 522 00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:37,929 UNCLE JACK: 523 00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:37,929 Frank, 524 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,349 did you go to the wedding? 525 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,349 I did. 526 00:10:40,391 --> 00:10:43,101 And I snuck Ryan up in 527 00:10:40,391 --> 00:10:43,101 the trunk of my car. 528 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,688 He hadn't been invited to 529 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,688 the wedding, on account 530 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,688 of the beef with Liam. 531 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,567 And I had him in the trunk 532 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,567 of the car, on account of I 533 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,567 didn't want to sit with him 534 00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:50,859 'cause he's gross. 535 00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:50,859 Right. 536 00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:53,695 (chuckles) 537 00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:53,695 And, uh, uh, 538 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:57,157 what did Ryan say to you 539 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:57,157 when you got to the wedding? 540 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,618 "I'm gonna kill 541 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,618 Maureen Ponderosa." 542 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,788 So, if there's someone to point 543 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,788 the finger at, it would be... 544 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:06,083 his brother! 545 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:06,083 (gallery gasping) 546 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:09,587 Oh, my God! Oh, my 547 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:09,587 God, nobody look! 548 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:11,880 Nobody look! Nobody look! 549 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:14,592 Nobody look! 550 00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:14,592 Nobody look! 551 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,134 Nobody look! 552 00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:19,012 Now, you've stabbed 553 00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:20,764 your brother before, correct? 554 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,724 Oh, sure. 555 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,101 And you were upset 556 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,101 at the wedding. 557 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:27,896 So it's not crazy 558 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:27,896 for me to ask you this. 559 00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:31,609 Ryan McPoyle, did you attack 560 00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:31,609 your brother at the wedding? 561 00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:34,736 Oh. I'm not Ryan. 562 00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:37,781 What, you're not? 563 00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:37,781 Nope. 564 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,784 I'm Lion. Like the animal. 565 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,453 Lion McPoyle. 566 00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:44,663 Wh-Why are you on the stand? 567 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,206 Because you said "his brother" 568 00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:48,333 and threw your big fake hand 569 00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:48,333 at me. 570 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,794 O-Okay. 571 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,794 Ryan's at home with Liam, 572 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,794 taking care of his infected eye. 573 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,588 Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh, 574 00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:55,591 str-strike that, uh, 575 00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:55,591 hand comment from the record. 576 00:11:55,633 --> 00:11:57,842 Uh, would you happen to know 577 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,053 if Ryan stabbed his brother 578 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,053 in the eye? 579 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,972 Oh, yeah. I know. 580 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,972 He totally did it. 581 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,057 (gallery murmuring) 582 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,057 Well, then I guess 583 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,768 we will never know, 584 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,768 ladies and gentlemen. 585 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,437 Uncle Jack, 586 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,437 he just confessed! 587 00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:09,980 He did? 588 00:12:08,479 --> 00:12:09,980 Yes! 589 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:12,274 Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. 590 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:12,274 I totally saw it. 591 00:12:12,316 --> 00:12:14,192 Oh, my God! We won! 592 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,486 (light cheering and applause) 593 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,570 We-- you did it. 594 00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:18,447 We did it. 595 00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:18,447 How did I do it? 596 00:12:18,489 --> 00:12:21,283 Lion, was Ryan drinking milk 597 00:12:18,489 --> 00:12:21,283 at the wedding? 598 00:12:21,325 --> 00:12:22,951 Of course. Everyone was. 599 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,371 So who did the stabbing 600 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,371 doesn't matter, Your Honor, 601 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,415 because they were all 602 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,415 still drugged 603 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:31,418 on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk, 604 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,505 which is the point I've been 605 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,505 trying to make the entire time. 606 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:38,049 So just to be clear, 607 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:38,049 you've proven my case. 608 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,260 You lose. 609 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:43,805 (gallery groaning) 610 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:43,805 (sighs) 611 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:43,805 I can't follow any of this. 612 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,808 What? 613 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,808 Guys, I got it. 614 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,519 You-you got what? 615 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,895 I got the bombshell. 616 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,897 UNCLE JACK: 617 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,897 Okay, Mr. McDonald, 618 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:56,735 you recently found out some 619 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:56,735 very interesting information. 620 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,820 Care to share it with the court? 621 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:01,114 Yes. I've recently been informed 622 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:05,661 that Ryan McPoyle 623 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:05,661 only drinks mother's milk! 624 00:13:05,703 --> 00:13:07,746 (gallery gasping, murmuring) 625 00:13:05,703 --> 00:13:07,746 Which means there's no way 626 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,832 he could have drank the 627 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,832 milk that Bill spiked, 628 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:13,335 which means he was sober 629 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:13,335 when he attacked his brother, 630 00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:15,045 which means Bill is innocent! 631 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,839 Case closed! Kaboom! 632 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,841 Bombshell! 633 00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:21,259 (laughs) 634 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,886 I did it. I did it, 635 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,886 black judge. I did it. 636 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,847 Mr.... Mr. McDonald, how did you 637 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,847 come upon this information? 638 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:28,559 Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. 639 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:28,559 I'm curious 640 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,853 how she told you, 641 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,853 because Margaret is a mute. 642 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:35,315 Well, guess what, smart guy, 643 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:35,315 I had her write it down. 644 00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:40,278 One more thing, Your Honor. 645 00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:40,278 Margaret, you carry a picture 646 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,781 of Mother with you at 647 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,781 all times, don't you? 648 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,824 Do you mind showing 649 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,824 that to the court? 650 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,539 (gallery gasping) 651 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:54,251 LAWYER: 652 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:54,251 Your Honor, 653 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,961 Mother is the name 654 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,961 of the McPoyle family cow. 655 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,464 The cow that provided the milk 656 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,464 for the wedding. 657 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,592 The milk that was drugged by... 658 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:04,886 Bill Ponderosa. 659 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,889 That mute bitch 660 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,889 lied to me for sex. 661 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:09,725 Bombshell diffused. 662 00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:11,518 Abramowitz! 663 00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:11,518 (gallery murmuring) 664 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,188 Your great-grandmother's 665 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,188 last name was Abramowitz. 666 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,107 I found it 667 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,107 on an ancestry Web site. 668 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:23,614 That makes you a dirty liar 669 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:23,614 because you are Jewish. 670 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,365 (gallery groaning and murmuring) 671 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,826 Okay, I... 672 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,826 That came out kind of bad. 673 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,994 I-I'm not disgusted 674 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,994 by the Jewish part. 675 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,163 It's the... it's the lying part 676 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,163 that I was talking about. 677 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,751 This dirty liar is a Jew... 678 00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:37,753 ish man. 679 00:14:37,795 --> 00:14:39,755 Recess? 680 00:14:39,797 --> 00:14:41,548 CHARLIE: 681 00:14:39,797 --> 00:14:41,548 Oh, God! 682 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,300 Oh, that stupid Dee. 683 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,300 All right, calm down, calm down. 684 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,135 Look, as the great 685 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,135 Johnnie Cochran once said, 686 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:46,928 if the glove 687 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:46,928 doesn't fit, give up. 688 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,930 That's not what he 689 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,930 said! That's not... 690 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,930 It... 691 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,432 How are you a 692 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,432 lawyer, Jack? 693 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,432 All right... 694 00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:52,392 I mean, I know more than 695 00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:52,392 you. All right, look... 696 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,144 Watch your voice. 697 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,144 Watch your voice. 698 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,144 Okay, okay, let's just... 699 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,937 let me do my bird 700 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,937 thing. Okay, Bill, 701 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,522 I want to do the bird thing. 702 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,522 Can we just do it...? 703 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,982 Yeah, that's great. No, 704 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,982 let's do the bird thing. 705 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,859 You're good 706 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,859 with it now? Okay. 707 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,859 Love it, yeah. 708 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944 Jesus, son, what'd 709 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944 you cut this with? 710 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944 Shut up, bitch. 711 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:05,155 Son? Your... This is... 712 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:05,155 Your son is your dealer? 713 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,573 He's reliable. 714 00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,325 Oh, God. Frank, what 715 00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:08,325 are you doing, man? 716 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,452 Come on, reign it in. 717 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,452 I paid for it. 718 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,954 I'm gonna do it. 719 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,954 Hey, fat ass, 720 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,954 this asshole's short 30 bucks. 721 00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:15,165 Go steal another set of my 722 00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:15,165 golf clubs, you piece of shit. 723 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,208 (bleep) you. 724 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,208 Piss off. 725 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,127 Guys, guys, we're doing 726 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,127 the bird theory, all right? 727 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,127 All right. 728 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,171 All right. 729 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,171 All right. All right. 730 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,171 I'm taking the lead here, okay? 731 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,964 Yeah. 732 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,964 All right, let's do it. 733 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,964 Birds on three. 734 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,008 ALL: 735 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,008 One, two, three. Birds! 736 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,008 Those are just ridiculous, man. 737 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:28,011 It's like three hands... 738 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:28,011 like eight hands out there. 739 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:28,011 Yeah. 740 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,971 CHARLIE: 741 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,971 Your Honor, 742 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,849 this is the McPoyle 743 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,849 family crest. 744 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,267 On it you will find a bird-- 745 00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,978 a Pocono swallow, 746 00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,978 to be more accurate. 747 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,647 A very rare, 748 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,647 very elusive bird. 749 00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,023 You'll notice 750 00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,023 its trademark 751 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:43,610 unibrow, highly uncommon 752 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:43,610 in most aviary circles. 753 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,069 And my research shows 754 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:48,072 that unlike your typical 755 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:48,072 North American barn swallow, 756 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,992 the Pocono swallow, if kept 757 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,992 under the proper conditions, 758 00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,995 can live as long as 80 759 00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,995 to even 85 years, 760 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,873 much like a parrot 761 00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:58,249 or some of the more resilient 762 00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:58,249 coastal gulls. 763 00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:01,044 Your Honor, 764 00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:01,044 where is this going? 765 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,840 I don't know, but it'd 766 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,840 better lead somewhere fast. 767 00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,049 Your Honor, I can assure you 768 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,676 that this will be 769 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,676 our final argument. 770 00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:09,427 Well, if it's gonna help 771 00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:09,427 end all of this madness, 772 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,929 I'll allow it. 773 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,180 Thank you, Your Honor. 774 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,057 Now, there was another member 775 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,017 of the McPoyle family clan 776 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,017 at the wedding 777 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,435 the night of the incident. 778 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,855 A member 779 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,855 that none of us have met. 780 00:16:19,897 --> 00:16:22,065 Certainly not anyone 781 00:16:19,897 --> 00:16:22,065 on this side of the aisle. 782 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:25,652 A one Mr. Royal McPoyle. 783 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,739 A bird. The McPoyle family's 784 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,449 pet Pocono swallow, 785 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,449 and my research shows 786 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,034 that this particular 787 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,034 Pocono swallow 788 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,286 has a history of violence. 789 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,122 Look into the gallery, and 790 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,122 you will see Royal's victims. 791 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,709 It took Margaret's 792 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,709 vocal cords in 1999, 793 00:16:40,751 --> 00:16:42,711 leaving her mute. 794 00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:44,713 Keith McPoyle lost his eyes 795 00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:44,713 and his ears 796 00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:47,048 to it in '76, 797 00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:47,048 and we all know 798 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,509 that according to bird law, 799 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,509 it's three strikes, 800 00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:51,302 and you're out. 801 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,931 Bye, bye, birdie. 802 00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:56,725 Ready, boys and girls, because 803 00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:56,725 here's where it gets good. 804 00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,352 Ryan McPoyle didn't 805 00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,352 attack Liam. Royal did. 806 00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,146 And Lion was lying about 807 00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,146 Ryan attacking Liam 808 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,941 to protect Royal 809 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,941 from the chair. 810 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,358 Or lethal injection. 811 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,151 Or perhaps some sort of 812 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,151 small bird guillotine. 813 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,070 I wouldn't understand 814 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,070 the physics of it. 815 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:10,739 I'm not an executioner. 816 00:17:10,781 --> 00:17:13,951 I'm just the best goddamn 817 00:17:10,781 --> 00:17:13,951 bird lawyer in the world. 818 00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,955 So, bottom line-- and 819 00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,955 listen up, numbnuts, 820 00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,791 'cause it blows a 821 00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,791 hole in your case-- 822 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:23,668 birds don't drink milk. 823 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,295 Objection, Your Honor. 824 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,295 (gallery groaning) 825 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,089 There's no Royal McPoyle. 826 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:31,092 Perhaps, or perhaps not. 827 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:35,346 Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle 828 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:35,346 to the stand. 829 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:39,309 Pappy McPoyle, patriarch 830 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:39,309 of the McPoyle family. 831 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:42,980 Royal was your pet bird. You've 832 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:42,980 had him since you were a boy. 833 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,816 And isn't it true that you never 834 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,816 go anywhere without him? 835 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,525 (crying): 836 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,525 Yeah. Yeah. 837 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,486 I have seen... 838 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,905 raccoons and oysters dancing... 839 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:54,115 in the head of a pin 840 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:54,115 with the angels. 841 00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:55,784 They are laughing. 842 00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:57,368 LAWYER: 843 00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:57,368 All right, Your Honor, 844 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,621 clearly, this witness 845 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,621 is mentally unwell 846 00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:02,123 and cannot answer any 847 00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:02,123 of the questions properly... 848 00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:04,918 Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, 849 00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:04,918 or-or perhaps it's just a cover. 850 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,544 But it's quite all right. 851 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,546 I don't have 852 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,546 any further questions. 853 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,507 Oh, except one more. 854 00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:14,469 Didn't the bailiff ask everyone 855 00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:14,469 to remove their hats? 856 00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:17,138 That is true. 857 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,807 Mr. McPoyle, 858 00:18:18,849 --> 00:18:20,851 would you please 859 00:18:18,849 --> 00:18:20,851 remove your hat? 860 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,604 Hmm... 861 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,604 Mr. McPoyle, 862 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,604 please remove your hat. 863 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,190 Perhaps he is too insane 864 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,190 to understand the question. 865 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,609 Why don't I just...? 866 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,778 (squawk) 867 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,155 (gallery groans, gasps, shouts) 868 00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:36,240 Ladies and gentlemen, 869 00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:36,240 Royal McPoyle. 870 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,617 (squawks) 871 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,077 Chickadee, dee, dee, 872 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,077 little birdie. 873 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,370 Let's dance. 874 00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,205 Your Honor, this is 875 00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,205 Mr. Belka Maier. 876 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,374 He's a professor of ornithology 877 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,374 at the University of Penn. 878 00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,001 Mr. Maier, it's 879 00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,001 safe to say 880 00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:47,878 you're a bit of an 881 00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:47,878 expert on birds, yes? 882 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,587 I believe you're correct. 883 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,589 And you would understand this 884 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,589 Pocono swallow quite well, 885 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,174 wouldn't you? 886 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,174 Yes, I do. 887 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,426 Then please ask it 888 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,426 if it attacked Liam! 889 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,179 Ask... if... What? 890 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,890 CHARLIE: Mr. Maier, I would 891 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,890 like you to please talk 892 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:03,184 to the bird and say, "Did 893 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:03,184 you attack Liam McPoyle?!" 894 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,396 (laughing): 895 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,396 I can't converse with... 896 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,396 with a bird. 897 00:19:06,437 --> 00:19:09,190 Well, I thought you 898 00:19:06,437 --> 00:19:09,190 were an expert on birds. 899 00:19:06,437 --> 00:19:09,190 I am an expert on birds, but... 900 00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,192 Well, I need you to 901 00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,192 communicate with the bird. 902 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,194 This is very important, 903 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,194 and I need to... 904 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,194 MAIER: But it's a... 905 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,612 (laughs) 906 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,280 Well, this is 907 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,280 a bit embarrassing, Your Honor. 908 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,199 Perhaps this man 909 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,199 has lied about his credentials. 910 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:21,786 Uh, fortunately, I am familiar 911 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:21,786 with a little bit of pigeon. 912 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,040 Perhaps I can 913 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,040 get through to it in some way. 914 00:19:25,082 --> 00:19:27,375 (cooing) 915 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,044 LAWYER: 916 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,044 Okay. 917 00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:30,628 Your Honor, this is nonsense. 918 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,797 Look, kitty. 919 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,797 (mews) 920 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,799 Yeah, kitty. 921 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,799 Chase the laser beam, kitty. 922 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,799 (gallery gasping and murmuring) 923 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,885 Order. 924 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,885 Your Honor, you've got 925 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,885 a man speaking to a bird. 926 00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,803 And yet, you refuse to rule 927 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,264 on me having 928 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,264 to pay alimony to this cat. 929 00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:42,807 What is this?! 930 00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:42,807 Order! 931 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,017 It's a mockery of 932 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,017 justice, Your Honor. 933 00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:46,103 This is ridiculous, and this... 934 00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:49,230 I said, order! 935 00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:49,230 (gallery clamoring) 936 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,232 LAWYER: 937 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,232 He's talking to the pigeon! 938 00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:53,234 I'm not paying alimony 939 00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:53,234 to a goddamn cat! 940 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,737 Order! 941 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,737 I want order in this court! 942 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,238 Fly, my pet! 943 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,698 Fly! 944 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:00,658 (bird squawking, 945 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:00,658 people screaming) 946 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,493 Bring me their eyes! 947 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,245 (laughing) 948 00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:07,498 (screaming, shouting) 949 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,917 Bring them to me! 950 00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:09,918 (laughing) 951 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:10,961 Oh! 952 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,921 (clamoring) 953 00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,846 MELVOY: 954 00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,846 In my 35 years on this bench, 955 00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,846 I have never seen 956 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,556 such a mockery made 957 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,556 of this courtroom. 958 00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:27,185 You people have wasted my time, 959 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,979 you've wasted 960 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,979 the taxpayers' time, 961 00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:32,107 and this justice 962 00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:32,107 has heard enough. 963 00:20:32,149 --> 00:20:33,357 I am throwing this case out. 964 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:34,985 I should've 965 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:34,985 done it hours ago. 966 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,277 He's throwing it out! 967 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,277 That means we win! 968 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,862 That means we win! 969 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,862 That means we won! 970 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,281 Damn, damn, damn! 971 00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,950 Order. 972 00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:44,535 Eat that! 973 00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:44,535 Damn it! 974 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,536 Order! 975 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,998 This court has ruled. 976 00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:49,916 Now, I suggest 977 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:51,918 that you people get 978 00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:51,918 the hell out of my courtroom 979 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,586 before I put you all in jail. 980 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:55,172 You got it! 981 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:55,172 Get out! 982 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,007 Bailiff, next case. 983 00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:59,300 Ridiculous. 984 00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:01,011 We have Morgan State Delivery 985 00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,304 v. the proprietors 986 00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,304 of one Paddy's Pub. 987 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:06,307 Oh! That's us. Yeah, 988 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:06,307 that's us, Your Honor. 989 00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:06,307 Oh, that's us. Oh! 990 00:21:06,349 --> 00:21:08,309 Oh, hell no! Uh-uh. 991 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,936 All right. 992 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,936 Uh-uh! 993 00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:47,348 (trumpet playing off-key) 994 00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:48,975 Brown. 995 00:21:49,017 --> 00:21:50,977 Captioned by 996 00:21:49,017 --> 00:21:50,977 Media Access Group at WGBH 58860