Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:07,224
Good evening,
I'm MayKay Bueller.
2
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,356
Our top story tonight...
3
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,271
the rumors are true.
4
00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:12,882
We might be getting a white
Christmas this year, y'all!
5
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:14,623
Ooh-wee!
6
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,364
TV 12's Big Weathers
has the details.
7
00:00:16,407 --> 00:00:17,974
Uh, Big?
8
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,889
That's right, MayKay,
there might be
9
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,238
the possibility
of a winter storm
10
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:23,153
any time in the next 12
11
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:25,199
to 78 hours
12
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:27,027
or minutes
13
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:28,985
with estimates of precipitationranging anywhere
14
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,857
from zero to 26 inches.
15
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,163
with the chance of that being
16
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,818
not very to very likely.
17
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,299
Keep us posted, Big,
because as you know,
18
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:40,257
as much as we southerners
love snow,
19
00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,477
we are not used to it.
20
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,827
Can you give us
some pointers, Big?
21
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:47,177
First things first,
you need supplies.
22
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:49,136
So get to the grocery store
immediately
23
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:51,138
to buy bread and milk.
24
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:54,358
Otherwise you'll freeze
to death and starve, Big.
25
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:58,145
Next, be on the lookout
for signs of frostbite...
26
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,755
Ooh-wee...
27
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,278
-[MayKay continues moaning]-...whiteouts, and when driving,
28
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:04,368
always assume
you're on black ice.
29
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:05,848
The silent killer, Big.
30
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,938
Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo!
31
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,983
♪
32
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,535
♪
33
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:46,584
Aw, remember this one?
34
00:01:46,628 --> 00:01:48,325
I never knew Santa
had so many hobbies.
35
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:49,848
Surfing, fishing--
how does he find time
36
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,328
to do all this stuff?
37
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,764
VIOLET:
I'll tell you how.
38
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,940
Slave labor--
that motorcycle right there?
39
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,942
Built with the tears
of indentured elves.
40
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:57,987
WAYNE:
Okay!
41
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,206
Everyone get ready.
42
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,729
Here come the lights.
43
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,426
[electricity crackles]
44
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:03,427
You call that a tree?
45
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,647
Charlie Brown bullcrap.
46
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,302
Mother... go outside.
47
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,348
♪
48
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,133
What are you doing,
obsessing over some Christmas
49
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:14,525
that we can't have?
50
00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:16,397
I don't want you
making Violet feel bad
51
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,007
about the Christmas we dohave.
52
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,965
Well, you can try
and wrap your hugs
53
00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:21,706
and put 'em under the tree
or some crap,
54
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:25,145
but, Jenny, we both know thatlittle girl isn't gonna love you
55
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:29,105
properly unless you bust herstocking with some fancy gifts.
56
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,585
Well, Louise has been hinting
57
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:32,456
that she's gonna give us
Christmas bonuses.
58
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,284
Okay, well, don't you worry.
59
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:36,895
Santa Betty's gonna
provide this year.
60
00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,723
Look what I got in the mail.
61
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,203
Oh, Lord, what's that?
62
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,813
It's my bladder mesh
settlement check!
63
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,641
Christmas is on me!
64
00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,817
Get ready for
the most luxury gifts.
65
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,558
Brookstone's, Belk's,
66
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:49,865
Ferrero Rocher's
chocolate balls!
67
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,475
Just like when my mesh broke,
68
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,608
I am gonna make it rain.
69
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,307
Look again.
70
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,962
There might be 2,000
more checks in there.
71
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:02,486
♪
72
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,836
[tune of "Jingle Bells"]:
♪ Doo-doo-doo♪
73
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,100
♪ Doo-doo-doo,
I have a surprise.♪
74
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,363
Thank you, Louise.
75
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:10,929
Oh, I need this so bad.
76
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:11,843
What?!
77
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,541
Where the hell is the bonus?
78
00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:15,760
"You are cordially invited to
Daniel and Louise Culp's
79
00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:18,415
"annual Christmas Extravaganza,colon,
80
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:19,895
"a Festival of Joy, Lights,
81
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:22,071
"Merriment and Fellowship,
and Good Tidings.
82
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:24,639
"Have You Been Good,
question mark.
83
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:27,772
Santa's Coming Party,
exclamation point"?
84
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,166
Why is Daniel's head so big?
85
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,864
Oh, Daniel couldn't make
the photo shoot because he had
86
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:36,868
a businessman meeting,
so I computer-shopped him in.
87
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:39,393
Well, Louise, the Hart Family
has a pretty big blowout
88
00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:40,916
of our own planned.
89
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:42,439
I cordially say, "Hell no."
90
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:43,875
It's mandatory.
91
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,616
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.♪
92
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:47,052
♪
93
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,360
[heavenly music plays]
94
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:51,883
Happy almost birthday!
95
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,537
Hey, how old are you?
96
00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,496
Little hack for that--
just think what year it is,
97
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:56,801
and that's how old I am.
98
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,499
Do you have any big plans?
99
00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:01,110
Well, I was hoping to just do,
you know, a simple Christmas
100
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:04,331
at home with my family,
but Louise is making us
101
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,551
go to her big, fancy-butt,
richie-rich Christmas party.
102
00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:09,031
Sounds like you've already
got something in your
103
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,599
Christmas stocking--
a lump of jealousy.
104
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,383
What? I'm not jealous.
105
00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:15,820
It's just that Louise's
Christmas is gonna be
106
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:18,127
so show-off amazing,
it's gonna make
107
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,303
our dumb, little Christmas
look like a cold turd
108
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:21,783
on a paper plate.
109
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,872
Well, okay, maybe I am
a little jealous.
110
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,353
Feelings of jealousy
are completely normal.
111
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,050
But don't let it
ruin your Christmas.
112
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,791
I get jealous, too, you know.
113
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,359
You do? Who could you
possibly be jealous of?
114
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,578
W-W-Wait, let me think,
let me think.
115
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:35,536
Criss Angel?
116
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:36,928
[chuckling]:
Did you say Criss Angel?
117
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,582
No.
118
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,931
I'm talking about Santa.
119
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,890
Swooping in on my birthday,
120
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:45,023
handing out gifts
like some cool weekend dad.
121
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,243
Wait, should I be jealous
of Criss Angel?
122
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,245
No, I mean, I mean,
I don't think so.
123
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,074
That should have been a way moredefinitive answer, Jenny.
124
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:53,815
That's not even
his real name, you know?
125
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,382
It's Christopher
Nicholas Sarantakos.
126
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,340
Say that when
your plane's going down.
127
00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:59,081
♪
128
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:00,474
Hmm, come on!
129
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:01,605
I need a Christmas miracle.
130
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,955
Think, Betty, think.
131
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:06,567
Scratchers, returns,
Kohl's Cash?
132
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,308
No, got to think
outside the box.
133
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:11,789
Biology-- selling blood,
stealing kidneys?
134
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,661
Sleight of hand?
Fake my own death?
135
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,140
Social Security fraud?
136
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:17,099
Selling secrets, treason?
137
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:18,622
-Gram? Gram!
-[screams]
138
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:20,494
Are you okay?
You were mumbling
139
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:21,756
"treason" to yourself again.
140
00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,888
No, I am not okay!
I can't do another
141
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,629
discount Dollar Tree Christmas!
142
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,065
Well, suck it up, Mother.
143
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:28,719
Our Christmas
is gonna be great as soon
144
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,417
as we get back from pretending
145
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:33,071
to enjoy Louise's
Christmas party.
146
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,464
[groans]Is this gonna be a Sunday School
147
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:36,205
"cookies and Kool-Aid"
type of deal?
148
00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:37,641
Should I bring my own beers?
149
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:39,948
No, there's an open bar.
150
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:42,429
It's gonna be
a richie-rich nightmare.
151
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:45,345
♪
152
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,912
To see how people are
preparing for the storm,
153
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:50,654
let's join MayKay
at Harris Teeter.
154
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,569
Big, shelves have been
picked bare,
155
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,963
as people stock up
on essentials.
156
00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,617
The milk is completely gone,
157
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,662
-even powdered and condensed.
-[whoops]
158
00:05:58,706 --> 00:05:59,924
And in the bread aisle,
159
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,753
all that's left
is the diabetes bread.
160
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,973
My doctor's been telling me
to eat that for years,
161
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,409
but I would rather
starve to death
162
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:07,976
under ten feet of ice, MayKay.
163
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:10,239
MAYKAY:
Ooh-wee-wow!
164
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,720
JENNY [sighs]:
Thanks again for coming
165
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,635
to this stupid party.
166
00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,245
Let's just hope
it isn't too lame.
167
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:17,507
WAYNE:
What?! I bet you can
168
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,422
see this from space.
169
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:20,684
BETTY:
Dang, all that's missing
170
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:21,772
is the Polar Express.
171
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,034
[train whistle toots]
172
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:23,774
WAYNE:
Nope.
173
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,776
They got that, too.
174
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,388
That conductor's not
actually Tom Hanks, right?
175
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,954
Tom!
176
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,740
He looked over.
177
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,221
Just leave the car up front.
178
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:37,919
We won't be staying long.
179
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,181
I was told to park
all vehicles
180
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,748
with truck nuts around back.
181
00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:42,010
That's fair.
182
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,011
Rude.
183
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,535
Here he comes again-- Tom!
184
00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:46,754
Ah, he's working.
185
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:49,452
♪
186
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:56,459
BETTY:
Now, this is
the Christmas we deserve!
187
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,461
-Mother!
-Oh, my God.
188
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:01,333
It's the biggest littlest town
I've ever seen!
189
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,813
I've seen bigger... and littler.
190
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,380
I mean, I guess it's cute
191
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,077
in a gross, show-offy
kind of way.
192
00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:09,733
Doo, doo-doo-doo.Welcome to the East Pole, y'all,
193
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:12,780
from me and my head elf Daniel.
194
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:14,782
Daniel, come say hi.
195
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:17,828
Daniel, y'all,
where is your elf hat?
196
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:21,049
He has this elf hat I bought himthat he just loves.
197
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,791
Baby, look, they have
teeny, tiny hamburgers.
198
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,053
They made 'em elf-sized
for Christmas.
199
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,794
I got you one already.
200
00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,491
I ate the pickles
'cause I know you hate 'em.
201
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:29,884
Oh, you're so sweet.
202
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:31,799
But, remember, we got
that cheeseball at home.
203
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:34,105
Daniel, bring me some chips.
204
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:36,107
You know the kind I like.
205
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,895
He's going to get
the kind I like.
206
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,897
And guess what else.
207
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:46,901
We have a very special celebrityguest coming tonight.
208
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:49,033
Ian David Cole.
209
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:50,861
Oh, I don't think we're gonna
be able to stay for...
210
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:54,038
Greenpoint Community Theater's
own Ian David Cole?
211
00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:56,693
His bluegrass production of The Elephant Man
changed my life.
212
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:59,043
Get ready to shake
his hand, Wayne.
213
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,916
After he does
his annual recitation
214
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,876
of "'Twas the Night
Before Christmas."
215
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,749
-Okay, Louise saw me.
Let's get out of here.
-But Ian David Cole.
216
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:10,838
A mini-town bigger
than our living room.
217
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:13,580
-Free shrimp.
-And Ian David Cole.
218
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:14,929
No. That delicious cheeseball
219
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,148
isn't gonna dip Triscuits
into itself.
220
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:19,890
-Now let's go.
-[all groaning]
221
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,763
♪
222
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:36,385
[tires screeching]
223
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,822
-Snow!
-We need bread and milk!
224
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:41,564
Why didn't we get
bread and milk yet?
225
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,914
-Look out for black ice.
-Steer into the skid!
226
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:46,134
Drive faster.
We got to beat the storm.
227
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:47,875
No, you steer away
from the skid.
228
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,659
That's not what I was taught.
229
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,966
Dawn, you're going too fast.
230
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,403
They changed it a few years ago.
231
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,318
-No way.
-Hand to God.
232
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,928
My foot's on the brake!
233
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,930
[all screaming]
234
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,932
[metal clattering,
car horns honking]
235
00:09:01,976 --> 00:09:03,978
[tires screeching]
236
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,504
You're not going
anywhere in this.
237
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,767
[train whistle toots]
238
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:13,030
Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no!
239
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:20,690
Well, it looks like
the dream of a white Christmas
240
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,910
has turned into a nightmare.
241
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:26,957
This is the scene right now
on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay?
242
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,003
Thanks, Big.
Well, we are standing here
243
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:31,309
with theMayor Webb,
244
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,703
who came down here
to survey the accident.
245
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,705
You just speak
right into the top of this.
246
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,012
Oh, I didn't come here
to survey it. I was in it.
247
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,709
I was fully in the accident.
248
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,406
-I'm bleeding.
-You're fine.
249
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:44,148
Now, Mayor, I'm told
there is a salt truck
250
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,889
coming down from Kentucky?
251
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,196
You just speak into
the business end right here.
252
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,980
I tried to call a salt truck.
253
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,679
There was just a Hispanic
outgoing message,
254
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,898
and it went straight
to voice mail.
255
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:57,901
Did you try a different
salt truck company?
256
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:00,730
You just talk right there.
This-this picks up the sound.
257
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,820
No, MayKay, I don't know
other salt truck companies.
258
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,648
You think when you become mayor,they just give you
259
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,737
a magical list of all
the salt truck companies
260
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,391
-in the world?
-[snow thuds]
261
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:12,481
I'm making snow devils, babies.
262
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:15,005
-I'm pinned!
-Big?
263
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,270
Oh, this is perfect.
We're snowed in.
264
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:22,665
It's so perfect.
We're snowed in.
265
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:26,843
Now, before you panic,we do have both bread and milk.
266
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,845
Isn't this romantic, y'all?
267
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:32,240
Everyone, just grab your partnerand get Christmas cozy.
268
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,764
I know I'm about to. Daniel?
269
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,679
Okay, I'll find him.
270
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:38,725
Part of me feels sorry for her,
271
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:41,466
but most of me just wants todrink her out of house and home.
272
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,512
Good thing the human body's got
two livers,
273
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,949
and we only need one.
274
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,951
Brenda, I told you
that's kidneys.
275
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,736
You sound like my professors
at nursing school.
276
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,433
Hold on, do you have
a loose meatball
277
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,087
rolling around
in your pocketbook?
278
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:57,657
Oh, I got a baker's dozen loosemeatballs in my pocketbook.
279
00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,441
You got your meats,
then you got your crudités,
280
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,704
iced pocket for shrimps,
and the bottom is just a lake
281
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,837
of various sauces and dips.
282
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,056
I'm getting my bonus
one way or another.
283
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,841
Well, look, if we're gonna be
stuck at this party,
284
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:09,277
we might as well
make the best of it. Right?
285
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,714
Pound some food, drink a ton,
and go anger-snooping.
286
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,760
[chuckles]
If we find some Louise dirt,
287
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,022
we'll feel so much better.
288
00:11:15,065 --> 00:11:16,501
You had me at anger-pooping.
289
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:17,894
"Merry Christmas, Louise.
290
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,548
There's a doody in your dryer."
291
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,811
No, I said anger-snooping.
292
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:25,989
[scoffs] I know. I was just
kidding about anger-pooping.
293
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,078
I'm not an animal, Jenny.
294
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,821
Bweep, bweep, bweep.
295
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,736
"Oh, no. Aliens."
296
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,912
"I'm your tiny leader Frosty."
297
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:38,567
"Kill it before
it kills us first."
298
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,874
"Oh, God, it's shooting me
with a freeze ray.
299
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,832
"Oh! Oh, all my limbs
are coming off!
300
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,747
"Oh, it burns.
301
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:48,055
I love my limbs. Not my limbs."
302
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,753
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Sad news, y'all.
303
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:54,757
I'm afraid Ian David Cole
was not able to make it
304
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:57,020
'cause of the snow.
305
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,674
Damn it! No!
306
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,981
-Or was I?
-[guests gasping]
307
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,984
I've been here all night.
[laughs]
308
00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,855
Holy what?
309
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:09,946
Life is a stage,
and the stage is my life.
310
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:12,035
And you are my costars.
311
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:14,864
Give yourselves
a round of applause.
312
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:18,563
Friggin' theater's
Ian David Cole.
313
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,914
Think, Betty, think.
314
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:21,915
Focus.
315
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,352
Vase, crystal,
316
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:28,922
silverware, case of wine,
sugar daddy, chandelier.
317
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,967
Find your hustle. Where is it?
318
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,055
[sniffing]
319
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,057
Cigar smoke.
320
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,145
[indistinct chatter]
321
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,757
Bingo.
322
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,889
[chuckles]
No, we aren't playing bingo.
323
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,935
We're helping Daniel hide
from his ball and chain.
324
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,807
-Hey, aren't you
Jenny Hart's mama?
-Sure am.
325
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:46,287
You got a good-looking daughter,Ms. Hart.
326
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,245
You look good, too, for an old.
327
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:50,944
Oh, that's so sweet
of you to say.
328
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:52,902
Can I play? I got cash.
329
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,599
Kohl hard cash.
330
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,906
[laughter]
331
00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:58,908
Oh, my Lord, she is priceless.
332
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:00,954
Dare I even say hot?
333
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:03,739
I say we let
this ancient cutie sit in.
334
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,962
Okay, now what's the difference
335
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:12,008
between the pointy shovels
and the bumpy shovels?
336
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:13,053
[laughter]
337
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,187
Look at all this dumb crapthat could've been our bonuses.
338
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,755
A crystal bird?
What's that even for?
339
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,931
-This bitch.
-A mahogany box
340
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:22,932
with nothing in it?
341
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,978
This beotch.
342
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:26,109
This bitch.
343
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:27,241
This beotch.
344
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:28,372
This bish.
345
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,897
This bitch!
346
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,420
I've seen every production
you've ever done,
347
00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:33,769
Ian David Cole.
348
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,249
I loved your musical version
349
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:37,468
of The Odd Couplewhere you
played both characters.
350
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:39,906
[laughs]
Delightful.
351
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:42,909
Why haven't you tried out
for anything, Wade?
352
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:45,128
Oh, yeah, it's Wayne,
with an "N." [chuckles]
353
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,391
No, it isn't. It's Wade.
354
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,132
Wade Rock.
355
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:53,136
That will be your stage name
when you join me onstage.
356
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,923
You have a real presence.
I can feel it.
357
00:13:56,966 --> 00:14:00,665
Oh, no. I-I love watching
theater, but I can't do it.
358
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:03,625
The one time I tried it,
I really dookied the bed.
359
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:04,887
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade.
360
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,368
Don't talk about
my friend Wade like that.
361
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:10,458
I'm sure you were wonderful.
362
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:13,722
No. I mean
I really dookied the bed.
363
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:17,030
Oh, Smee,
what a rogue and peasant...
364
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:18,596
-[stomach growling]
-[crowd gasping]
365
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:19,684
Oh, no.
366
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,078
MAN:
Oh, my God.
367
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,951
So, yeah,
I literally dookied the bed.
368
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,518
Onstage, in front of everyone.
369
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,912
Ha-ha!
That's notdelightful.
370
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:33,089
I got so nervous trying
to remember all those lines.
371
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,962
Wade, you've got to get back
on that stage.
372
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,790
Otherwise, the dookie wins.
373
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,749
I could teach you.
374
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,316
Oh, I don't know.
375
00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:45,623
You remember the lyrics toyour favorite songs, don't you?
376
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,060
♪ Love in an elevator.♪
377
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,757
[scoffs]
Hell yeah.
378
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,019
Delightful!
379
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:53,022
You just acted!
380
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:54,154
Delightful!
381
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:59,159
I have no idea
how I'm winning all these--
382
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:01,552
what are they called, chips?
383
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,859
Okay, you're big blind, little
blind. Let's see the flop.
384
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:08,168
Oh, would you look at this bed.
385
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:10,213
There's probably
$10,000 worth of pillows.
386
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:13,129
-Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!
-Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
387
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,001
No luck in her drawers.
388
00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:17,090
Ooh, I can't wait to see
how many trillions of dollars
389
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,439
of purses she's got.
390
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:23,226
[sobbing, sniffling]
391
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,097
Anything good in there?
392
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,968
No, no. Uh, false alarm.
393
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,839
Uh, but I think
I did see some Adderall
394
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,145
in the kids'
Jack N Jill bathroom.
395
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:32,409
Jackpot! Someone's gonna pass
her nursing test.
396
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:33,454
[crying, sniffling]
397
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:39,199
[indistinct chatter]
398
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,853
Hey, Louise...
399
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:45,118
This party is a disaster.
400
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,162
Sorry, what?
401
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:48,077
[sniffles]
This party.
402
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:51,167
It's just
a big ol' sparkly ol' Band-Aid
403
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:53,169
on a nasty secret wound.
404
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,170
Is it?
405
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:56,956
All appearances to the contrary,
406
00:15:56,999 --> 00:16:00,394
things are not great
between me and Daniel.
407
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,874
What...?
408
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:06,008
At the very least, I thoughtif I put up a ton of mistletoe,
409
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,967
maybe Daniel
would give me a kiss,
410
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,882
but he's dodging mistletoe likeTom Cruise dodged those lasers
411
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,972
in Mission: Impossible.
412
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,105
Louise, Daniel is lucky as hellto have you.
413
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,367
And this party is amazing.
414
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,239
And if it makes you feel
any better,
415
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,240
I'm super jealous.
416
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,111
Oh, Jenny, it does.
417
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,460
Thank you.
418
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:26,115
Jenny, you have
a beautiful family
419
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:29,292
that loves you, and you're
so lucky to have Wayne.
420
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:33,122
He brings you sliders, and he
knows your pickle preferences.
421
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,124
Thanks, Louise.
422
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:36,865
Wayne is a sweetheart.
423
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:39,041
I wanted you and Brenda
to come here tonight,
424
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:42,653
'cause the guest list is mostlyDaniel's friends and family.
425
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:44,916
I just wanted
some friendly faces here.
426
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,744
You need a little hug?
427
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:49,312
I think I do.
428
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:53,316
Now, can you pet my head
like my grambie used to?
429
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,796
Uh, like-like this?
430
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:57,016
Slower. Smoother strokes.
431
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:58,626
Like a cat.
432
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,932
[sighing softly]
433
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:05,546
Okay, Louise, I think you need
to just open up your mouth
434
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:07,461
and tell Daniel
that you deserve respect
435
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:09,332
and you deserve love.
436
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:12,074
You're right!I'm gonna go tell him right now.
437
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,728
Uh-oh. Well, uh, no.
438
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:15,251
[chuckles]:
Uh, maybe don't do it now,
439
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,993
with a house full
of snowed-in party guests.
440
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,256
[groans]
441
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,475
[gasps]
442
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,303
[relieved sigh]
443
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:26,045
♪
444
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:31,485
I'll raise you 50,
445
00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:34,488
and another 50
for calling me old.
446
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:37,186
Betty, you are on me like
self-tanner on a white couch.
447
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:40,320
I'm all out of cash, so I'm
gonna have to throw this in.
448
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,844
This antique smoke show
is gonna bust us all.
449
00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:45,064
Hey, Daniel, you in or out?
450
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:49,155
Uh-oh. Looks like that littlefishy just jumped off the hook.
451
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:51,940
VIOLET:
It's day 63
452
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,942
since the arrival of Frosty.
453
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:56,988
Christmas as we know it
has ceased to be.
454
00:17:57,032 --> 00:18:01,080
The cannibalism, well,that started almost immediately.
455
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,647
-[crying]
-I can't believe what happened
to Miss Beverly.
456
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,432
Miss Beverly had it coming.
457
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,912
♪
458
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,091
LOUISE:
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
459
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,918
Daniel Everett Culp III,
460
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:16,095
I have a bone to pick with you.
461
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:18,140
-Oh, boy.
-What?
462
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,838
I may have accidentally told
Louise to make a giant scene
463
00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,363
-at her party.
-Oh, hell yeah!
464
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:27,193
Daniel, I don't know what isgoing on with you lately, but...
465
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,977
[guests gasp]
466
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,675
Oh, just when I
was starting to think
467
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,677
you were a Christmas Grinch,
468
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:36,202
you go and corner me
under the mistletoe?
469
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:37,942
Daniel, shug,
you can't just leave the table
470
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:39,683
in the middle of a hand.
471
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:40,945
Bad form.
472
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,121
Get your buns back down here.
473
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:46,212
DANIEL:
Uh... mm...
474
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:47,343
[clicks tongue]
475
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:49,911
[sustained, low grunting]
476
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:52,696
Hi, Jenny.
477
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,134
[winces]
478
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:56,396
Uh...
479
00:18:58,398 --> 00:19:00,748
[guests whoop, gasp]
480
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,837
-Ew.
-[sighs]
481
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,273
It's a Christmas miracle.
482
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:06,971
More like Grossmas spewacle.
483
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:08,973
Smooching won't get you
out of this.
484
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,192
-[thud]
-LOUISE: Ooh.
485
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,760
Daniel, so silly.
486
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:14,936
IAN:
Attention, everyone!
487
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,938
"'Twas the Night
Before Christmas"
488
00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:19,201
will be recited
by my young protégé,
489
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,334
Wade Rock!
490
00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:22,422
What?
491
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,032
You can do it, Wade.
492
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,513
Remember
"Love in an Elevator."
493
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:30,299
[clears throat]
494
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:32,258
[to "Love in an Elevator"]:
♪ 'Twas the night♪
495
00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:33,520
♪ Before Christmas♪
496
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:35,130
♪ Not a creature was stirring♪
497
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,262
♪ Not even a mouse♪
498
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:37,741
♪ All the stockings were hung♪
499
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:39,308
♪ By the chimney with care♪
500
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:41,310
♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be♪
501
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:46,620
♪ There...♪
502
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:47,969
[squeaky fart]
503
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,971
It was just a toot!
504
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:51,494
[cheering, whooping]
505
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:55,194
[laughs]
Delightful, Wade!
506
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:56,499
You did it!
507
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,022
Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all.
508
00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:02,070
Now I'd like to express
some Christmas gratitude.
509
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:03,463
-Huh?
-[gasps]
510
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,639
Jenny, y'all, Brenda,
511
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:09,295
here are
your Christmas bonus checks.
512
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,035
-[cheering]
-And I'd just like to say
513
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:14,038
that I'm so happythat it accidentally worked out
514
00:20:14,082 --> 00:20:16,127
that all of y'all
happened to be here
515
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:19,392
to share this wonderful,
charitable moment with me.
516
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:20,915
She just called us charity.
517
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:22,743
This bitch.
518
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,048
[playing "Love in an Elevator"]
519
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:26,529
♪ 'Twas the night
before Christmas♪
520
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:29,532
♪ Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse♪
521
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:32,448
ALL:
♪ All the stockings were hung
by the chimney with care♪
522
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:33,971
♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be♪
523
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:39,063
♪ There...♪
524
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:47,376
Now it's a perfect Christmas.
525
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,117
BETTY:
Ho, ho, ho, y'all.
526
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,293
Those cheapskates didn't want
to cash out my chips,
527
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,904
but I did manage to get
the cash equivalent,
528
00:20:53,948 --> 00:20:57,473
giving us
the merriest Christmas ever.
529
00:20:57,517 --> 00:21:00,041
Oh-ho! The crystal bird!
530
00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:03,044
[gasps]
Evil Frosty the Snow Alien?
531
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,481
Gram, thank you.
I love it.
532
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:09,224
No way. A gently worn polo
anda Citizen watch?
533
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:12,227
This'll go from work to play
like a champ. Delightful.
534
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,098
And a fresh set of AAs
535
00:21:14,142 --> 00:21:17,276
right out of Daniel's
universal remote.
536
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:22,063
That's right, y'all,
we are bringing Saxy back.
537
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:26,067
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas, everyone!
-I love you guys.
538
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:28,069
-[meows]
-[horn honks musically]
539
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:31,072
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
38517
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.