Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

CINDY (on phone): Louie, I hit some ice and I spun off the road.

I can't get the cab started.

The window's broken and I'm freezing.

I'm on an unmarked country road.

She's doomed.

Louie, I know where this woman is.

It's right near the farm

where Simka and I buy our goat knuckles.

Oh, oh, oh...

Well, maybe you can do something with this cab.

I'll, I'll take a look.

(starter cranking, engine stalling)

Oh, I think I know what the problem is.

What?

Winter.

(wind howling)

It's a very simple choice, Latka.

Either you have sex with me or you freeze to death.

Sex. Death.

Sex. Death.

Hmm.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

It-it happened when Cindy and I were waiting to be rescued.

Yeah?

This will destroy Simka.

I don't know. What should I do?

Well, uh...

You're not going to tell her, are you?

I have to.

She knows me so well, she will know. Believe me.

No, no, no, no, Latka.

You can't hurt her just so you should feel

a little less guilty. I mean, th-the bigger thing here

is to, is to spare Simka.

Yes. That's right.

The only decent thing to do is to deceive her.

Whew!

(door opening)

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Latka, I am so happy, I...

You did it with another woman!

I'm sorry I hurt you.

We must go to the priest.

You must confess your sin.

And whatever he advises, we must obey.

And so, Simka, nik-nik,

Latka lavorshney.

So, Simka must sin with someone Latka works with.

You mean to tell me,

you're going to sleep with one of my friends?

Baby, you're the greatest.

Look how you can sleep.

My little fool who has brought us to the brink of ruin.

What kind of dreams can you have

while I stand here suffering, the innocent victim?

What kind of slumber is this that...

Don't worry. I am awake.

Simka.

Simka, which one of my dear friends

are you going to sleep with?

I can't pick. You pick.

No, you pick.

I can't pick.

I can't pick. What does it matter?

It's all a disgrace.

All right.

I will pick.

Okay.

But if it's Louie,

will you still love me when I've lost my mind?

All right, maybe not Louie.

Uh... how about Tony?

Fine.

Tony.

I must debase myself with someone with arms of steel.

I don't think Tony is such a good idea.

I-I don't know who is a good idea.

Alex is nice.

Not so nice. He's a stranger to me.

Well, then you can look at this as a chance

to get to know him better.

Latka, it is impossible for either of us to pick.

We will let the fates decide.

We will pick as we would in the old country.

We'll have a dinner party,

invite everyone,

and whoever is the last man to enter, that will be the one.

Oh...

You mean the way we elect our president?

Exactly.

(Louie groaning and shivering)

(sighs)

(Louie sighs)

How would you like to warm me, my little Arctic fox?

Louie, leave me alone.

Oh, Nardo, you're a lucky woman.

Why?

Because you're a cab driver, and there's a blizzard.

I love it.

Ah, kicking up those sheets of slush...

"Watch out, Grandma."

(imitates slush spraying)

Ah, I wish I was going out with all my cabbies.

With Nardo and Banta

and Dancer and Prancer...

Oh, excuse me. I'm a little giddy.

Alex, Tony, Jim, Louie,

could you please come over here?

Why don't you come over here?

Oh, good idea.

Good news, everybody.

You're all invited to my house

for a party at the end of the shift.

Sorry, Latka. I can't come.

I'm working, you know, a double shift tonight.

But that's okay, Elaine. It's not for you.

Oh.

It's going to be a very special party.

It's going to be a wonderful party.

It's going to be the best party you ever been to.

(voice cracking): Dress...

is informal.

You all know the address.

(sobbing)

I'm looking forward to seeing you all there.

(sobbing)

Are you guys going to go?

Why not?

I could use a good time.

LATKA: Maybe no one will come, and then the priest will say

that you don't have to go through with this.

Yes, I still believe a miracle like that can happen.

(knocking at door)

Don't get my hopes up no more.

Listen, there is nothing to worry about.

The only one to count is the last one in.

This one is out of the running.

Please be Louie. Please be Louie.

Please be Louie. Please be Louie.

Louie!

Hey!

Hey! Hey, Latka.

Good to see you. Come in, come in.

Uh, look, I'm double-parked.

I just stopped up to tell you

that I'll be right back as soon as I find a space, okay?

Hey, Tone.

Hey. What do you say, Lou?

Oh, the one, the good-looking one with the chest of granite

is early, honey.

Hey. Hey, Latka. How are you doing?

So, how's it going?

Shh.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having me.

Shh!

(knocking at door)

SIMKA: Ooh, I can't stand it.

LATKA: Maybe it will be Louie,

and then you don't have to worry about it being Louie.

Hey, can I ask a question?

You got any pretzels?

(knocking at door)

I hope the boss isn't too mad.

I just beat him out of a parking space.

Hey, how's it going?

Shh!

I sure like dinner parties.

It's one of the few real occasions

you get to be formal and ill at ease.

SIMKA: It's either Alex or Louie.

Whoever it's not, is the one.

(knocking)

Hi.

Hi, there.

It's Louie.

Hi, Louie.

Come on. Get out of the way. What are you pushing for?

You want to go ahead of me, go ahead.

What are you gonna do,

stand in the door like a statue?

I don't like to be pushed, that's all.

Well, get out of the way, then!

Okay, you want to go ahead, go ahead.

You took my parking. Somebody took my parking space!

You want to go in, go in.

LOUIE: Well, go on in, then!

Look, go ahead.

All right, I'll go in.

It's Alex.

That's what I thought, too, but apparently it's Louie.

ALEX: Nice to see you, Simka.

(groans)

I am sure you all understand

that in light of the circumstances,

Simka and I would like to be alone.

Alex... we will get in touch with you later.

Thank you all for coming.

That's it?

Yes. Good night.

They sure make entertaining seem easy.

Hi, Elaine.

Simka, hi.

Hi. I was hoping you would be here.

I was hoping I'd catch you.

Oh, well, great. Yeah.

I was just, uh,

on my way to visit a friend of my husband's

for a certain purpose,

and I thought maybe I would walk a little more

and see if you were here. Here you are.

Oh, good!

Thank goodness.

Uh... what's up?

Oh, nothing's up. I just thought we'd chat.

Oh. So, there's nothing wrong?

Oh, everything's fine.

I just thought we'd jaw some.

Oh, good. Come on. Sit down.

Okay.

Oh, so, uh... so what do you want to talk about?

Well... just one girl to another, Elaine--

are you religious?

Oh, well, um...

well, yeah, in a way.

My parents are very religious, so I...

Why is that such a tricky question?

I don't know.

Now you ask me if I'm religious.

Are you religious, Simka?

For sure.

If you were religious, and you believed in the beauty

and the spiritual nature of your faith...

but then your spiritual advisor told you to do something

that would just make your flesh crawl,

what would you do?

I'd get another spiritual advisor.

American girls-- that is the stuff.

"Watch out, baby, here we come!"

It's not so simple for me.

Let's just talk about men.

Something less tricky, right? (chuckles)

For instance, what is Tony like?

Oh, Tony, he's the best.

What's Alex like?!

Why are you shouting?

I'm not shouting.

Yes, you are; you said, "What's Alex like?!"

Is he a nice guy?

Why don't you just tell me what you want to know?

I was wondering...

about you and Alex.

Did you?

Um...

(chuckles)

Ooh... um...

(laughs)

Simka, to tell you the truth,

I'd say "no" no matter what the truth was.

Thank you for leveling with me, Elaine.

Simka...

what is going on?

Nothing. It does not make any difference.

Whatever I do, my life will be miserable for as long as I live,

if I'm unlucky enough to live long.

And what is this wretched curse that contaminates

my one life on the Earth?!

Simka, what's going on?

Nothing. It's just girl talk, Elaine.

I'm going to be going now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

I don't know, to the movies or to the gallows, maybe.

But I tell you something, Elaine,

we must do this more often.

Bye.

Bye.

(knocking)

Oh, Simka, hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, you see, because Latka has had sex with someone

he works with, our priest

has said that I also must have sex

with someone he works with,

if we wish to remain married.

And we decided that the last man

to enter the dinner party would be the one.

And as you know, you were tardy.

May I come in?

Yeah. I-I don't think I understand any of this,

but come in.

I suppose you want to have someone to talk to, right?

Talk is cheap.

I want your body.

(chuckles)

You're not serious, are you?

It won't take long.

I know you have to go to work soon.

I just want to have sex with you, and then I'll run along.

No, no, no, Simka. Stop this.

Stop, stop it right now, stop it!

Alex, if you do not help us,

Latka and I must circle each other once

and complete the ancient divorce ritual.

And I will do anything to keep that from happening.

See? Smooth, milky white-- yours.

No, no, Simka, Simka!

That's barbaric, you know that?

Are you telling me that in that religion of yours,

that, uh, two wrongs actually make a right?

"In that religion of yours"?

Do you mock us?

Do I mock you because you do not eat animals

with cloven hooves unless they chew their cud? No!

Your people knew that it was unhealthy.

Please, Simka...

And our people know that you cannot have intimacy again

without knowing the pain of infidelity

that the other one went through.

Ours, like yours, is a profound tradition

of tolerance, brotherhood and faith!

Now, peel me like a grape so I can get out of here.

You can't actually tell me

that cheating on Latka is gonna do

anything but make things worse.

It is not bad enough I have to be here,

now you're playing hard to get?

You want to be seduced?

Okay.

Oh... I never felt like this before!

My legs are like jelly, oh!

You make me feel like a little girl!

You make me feel like a woman!

You make me feel like a flying horse!

What do you want?! What do you want?!

Sanity. Sanity.

Just one moment of sanity, that's all.

Sanity.

Alex... please,

you have to help me.

Otherwise, Latka and I will really have to get a divorce.

Simka, I am not going to make love to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna take you home.

Listen, it's, uh... it's cold.

Better button up.

Okay.

Oh, I'm glad to see you, Alex.

I stayed with Latka because apparently he...

he has some trouble,

and I only wish I could follow it.

It seems...

No, Jim, Jim, Jim, don't worry about it.

Everything is all right now.

Alex, Simka and I are both grateful to you.

Now get out of my sight, you swine.

I have bad news for you, my darling.

I have been faithful to you.

Oh, no!

Now this is where I get confused.

If I can get over this part,

I know I can help him.

Yeah, Jim, just hold it.

So we must part now forever, my beloved.

Latka! Latka, you're not going

to go through with this, are you?

Alex, we must. It is the only way.

Are you ready to complete the circle?

I must take one last look at you as my wife.

Simka, you will always have my heart.

I don't need it without you.

I will miss you.

I will miss your touch.

I will miss the children we could have had together.

Good-bye, Latka.

Are they unhappy...

...b-because they got divorced?

Yeah.

Why don't they just get married again?

It's not that simple, Jim.

You think they'd go through this kind of hell

if they could just marry again?

We must seek the Reverend Gorky right away!

Jim, thank you!

Mwa!

Thank you very much.

Let's try to make it work this time.

Piece of cake.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)