All language subtitles for Silicon.Valley.S06E03.Hooli.Smokes.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb - m

Money just...
perverts everything.

At this point, I could stand
to be a little perverted.

Yeah, I wanna be
a lot perverted.

We'll be profitable and up 5X
inside three years.

You've got three months.

- What is this?
- My resignation letter.

Laurie,
what are you doing here?

I've made myself the CEO
of the OwlNet.

This is who you're walking
away for?

- This... George R.R....
- No, no, no. No!

- Oh my god!
- You did this, Richard!

Cheers to our future endeavors
together.

We will not mine user data.

I was very clear about that.

If you do not take my money,
Richard...

it will be very bad for you.

- A billion dollars?
- Yes.

A man offered us
a billion dollars,

and you said no?

A very bad man,
and he would've turned us

into the worst possible
version of ourselves.

I mean, you can't put
a price on ethics.

But it seems you just did.

One billion dollars.

Monica...
you were okay with this?

Y-Yes?

Richard,

do you remember when you turned
down $10 million from Gavin Belson?

Did that start some sick
addiction to turning down money?

Are you just chasing that
dragon, you sick junkie fuck?!

Now, Dinesh, look,
if I'd taken that 10 million,

you wouldn't own two and a half
percent of everything we've built here!

Two and a half percent of
a billion dollars is $25 million!

Yes, but, actually,
the billion dollars

was to own ten percent
of the company.

So, not to split hairs,
you would, uh, technically,

be worth...
250 million.

- Fuck!
- Huh.

At an interest
rate of 3.65 percent,

leaving a billion dollars
in the bank would get you

$36.5 million a year.

That's a hundred grand
a day. That's...

- Sixty-nine dollars a minute.
- Sixty-nine dollars a minute!

Think about all the gold chain

you could've bought
with that money.

I actually don't think...

that interest rate is
accurate because...

- even a 30-year T-bill is only...
- Two-point-nine percent.

- Two-point-nine.
- All your blathering

just now would've
made us $2.32.

Again, I-I don't think
that's right because,

assuming an APR of three,

I cost us well
under two dollars,

so it's not even...

Um, sorry, uh...

- Hello?
- Richard!

It's Maximo.

We are on the phone.
How are you?

Yeah, I know.
I'm fine.

We were just talking about
you, myself and Colin.

- Colin?
- Oh, yes.

Colin is here.

He is making
the peace sign to you.

Now, you remember how you
refused to take my money?

Well, Colin, he did
take my money. So,

now he is leaving
your network.

Wait, to go where?

Oh, to the network run by new friend,
Laurie Bream.

Now, you remember when I said
if you did not take my money,

it would be very
bad for you?

Well, let me tell you what is
going to happen to you next.

Which was too, too,
too much for her,

so she went down
51st Street to see Dr. X,

who gave her eight pills,
which left her...

Boobless.

*SILICON VALLEY *
Season 06 Episode 03

*SILICON VALLEY *
Episode Title : "Hooli Smokes!"

- So, Colin's out.
- Yes.

So, our profits are...
zero.

It's worse than that.

Maximo has bought
all of Laurie's Pied Piper shares,

as well as all the shares
of Big Head's dad.

He now owns 30 percent
of the company.

So, the only way we can
raise money to stay alive

is by selling shares,
but the second we do that...

Maximo buys them.

Yeah, and when he gets
a majority stake,

he can do whatever he wants.

Shut us down, fire all of us,

take our IP to Laurie
to use on her network.

He's starving us out.

- How long can we survive?
- Well,

the Siege of Candia
lasted 21 years.

Oh. Well,
that's something.

It ended in 1669,

when the Ottoman soldiers
were infected with plague

after being attacked
with the liquid

from the spleens
and buboes of the dead.

What's a bubo?

Plague-infested lymph nodes.

So, they would, like, scoop them
out and throw them at people?

Fuck! Fuck.

Richard, did you just try
to punch the wall and miss?

Nope.
I clipped it. I got it.

Sort of like that.

I see. So,

until a Richard Hendricks
reports an assault,

I-I technically can't
turn myself in for it?

That is correct.

And what about
a restraining order?

Can I-I take one out
against myself on his behalf?

No.

What if I threaten you guys?
Just hear me out...

Fucking pigs. I-I hope that you
get cheated out of your overtime.

How about that,
dickless?

Maybe you could just
try calling the guy?

Why were you talking
to the police?

Oh, it was just
a personal issue.

You should not bring them here.

Fuck the police.

Jian-Yang, you're not doing
anything illegal here, are you?

Yes.

Where is everyone?

Jared is bringing
chaos to the house,

and chaos is bad
for our business.

Yeah.
What is our business?

I told you, it's a better for
both of us if you do not know.

Oh, right. Yeah.

We need to get rid of Gwart.

It's the only way
to get rid of Jared.

Gwart.

Yes.

Richard?

- Gavin.
- You look like shit.

So do you.

What happened to your hand?

I punched a wall.

Cool.

Want a drink?

Don't you think
it's a little early...

It's kombucha with ginseng
and lemongrass, Richard.

I'm not a fucking hobo.

All I wanted to do was
be a golden millionaire.

Is that too much to ask?

A millionaire
that gets peed on?

I could see you making
half that happen.

No, you have as many
millions as your age.

I mean, everyone in the Valley
is swimming in money.

Why not me?

I believe your people
have a concept for it.

- Karma.
- Firstly,

I am Muslim from Pakistan,
you fucking racist.

Secondly, karma
does not exist.

Otherwise, it would
mean that bad things

happen to me because
I'm a bad person.

Check... and check.

Oh, I'm a bad person?

Says the guy who
literally worships Satan.

I am a great guy.

In my youth, I would've
argued that life is just

a series of random events,
devoid of any meaning.

But as a data scientist,
I have to recognize

that... sometimes,
patterns emerge.

Undeniable patterns.

Get right with the universe.

Dinesh?

- Yo!
- Hey.

What is up, my cousin?

- Oh!
- Hey, uh, Gilfoyle,

- you remember my cousin, Wajeed?
- Yes.

Coz, I have been
meaning to call you.

Remember last year
when you wanted to sell

all those shares of
Bro that I gave you?

And I was like,
don't sell those shares!

And you were like,
"I need the money

"to buy floor mats for my Tesla,
so I can make a guy

named Danny
in the office feel bad."

Good memory. Um,

but, you know, Bro was
basically out of business.

It was.

But so wild!

After you sold those shares,
I sold Bro to MoveShack

for basically nothing,
and yesterday,

MoveShack got "acquired"

by Snapchat, and, uh...
we crushed it!

- How much did you make?
- Oh, you won't believe this...

Sixty million dollars?

Yes, 60 million dollars!

I'm a golden millionaire!

Times two!

So, Dinesh sold his shares,

and then your fortunes
turned around. Is that right?

Huh. Weird.
It's just like that time.

Remember, you, me, and Ali,
we went down to play by the river...

- Oh... Boring story.
- And then, and then Dinesh,

you snuck home so that
you could get Ali's jump rope

and play with it by yourself,

without telling him,

and then Ali and I
found a giant...

giant box of British candy.

You love candy.

Oh, it was the best.

Anyway, I'm
a golden millionaire.

How about I buy drinks, yeah?

- Karma's a...
- You're a bitch.

Anyway, the fucking
US government

blocked the entire thing.
Can you believe that?

I pay taxes.

- I mean, I don't, but...
- Yeah.

But look,
I mean, I think

we're even more
fucked than you are.

We're quite a pair,
aren't we?

To us. To the men
in the arena,

living or dying under
the watchful gaze of Caesar.

Are you not entertained?

It's, uh, from Jared Dunn.
Do you remember him?

Of course. How's he doing?

Actually, uh, funny enough,

he just bailed on me
to go work for some...

sexy new startup back
at my old hacker hostel.

Ironic. Exactly the same way
he left me, for you.

Jared always
had an eye for talent.

Thanks, I guess.

So, what was the munition

that CIFIUS got
on your case for?

Some kind of...

- illegal hacking tool?
- You wanna hear the worst part?

It's a fucking dating
app called Foxhole.

- An app?
- Yep!

I can't shut it down because my
investors will lose their shit,

and I can't sell it because
who the fuck wants something

- with all those restrictions on it?
- Right.

Anyway...

Here's to us,

the Shackletons,

- betrayed by nature's cruelest whims...
- Wait.

- Her wants...
- Sorry, just...

If I owned Foxhole,

wouldn't that prevent
this Chilean guy

from buying more
of my shares?

Actually, it would go
even further.

He'd have to sell
all the shares he already owns.

Okay, so, um,

if you sell me Foxhole,
I mean, that would

certainly save
my ass, obviously,

but it would
also save yours

because then you could move your
operations wherever you wanted.

I mean, it's kind
of perfect, right?

It would benefit
us both, equally.

- Holy shit.
- Yeah.

Um, look, Gavin, I know we
always haven't seen eye-to-eye,

we're not the best
of friends, but...

this may be
a chance to actually

help each other out, right?

What do you say?

I mean...
isn't it obvious?

I say... no!

- What?
- No!

Fuck no, Richard!

I can't make a move
that would benefit you.

You're my competition.
Help no rival.

It's one of the basic
principles of business.

We just spent the last
hour bonding about how

this business is comprised
of backstabbers and cutthroats.

Yes, exactly!
That's what this is.

It's a little weird
you don't get it.

I could help you, Gavin.

You already have, Richard!

I mean, I was sitting
up here feeling

totally just impotent,
and then you came along

and exposed your underbelly,
and practically begged me

to plunge the knife in!
I mean, I still have a deep hole

to crawl out of, but this
is a fucking great start.

Look at that.

It barely hurts anymore.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have a triathlon
to train for,

and I'm suddenly feeling
a wellspring of energy.

Look, Richie,

you're basically outta options.

So, what are
you saying? That...

I just lay down and die?

I take issue with your
definition of die, my dude.

I can get that Chilean cat on the
phone right now and get you paid.

There's
no shame in it.

Musk built PayPal and sold.
Hoffman built LinkedIn and sold.

You seen those guys lately?

I don't care about the money,
that's not why I got into this.

Richie, can I be honest
with you for once?

For once?
You're my attorney.

You remember the end
of Thelma and Louise?

How they drove
that car off the cliff?

Why? That was
a mint '66 T-Bird.

They didn't need that car to get over
the cliff. Why'd that car have to die?

I-I think it had
something to do with, um,

- women's rights or something?
- Important stuff.

But... sorry,
what's your point?

My point, Richie,

is you wanna go over the cliff,
Thelma, that's fine.

All right? You do you.

But you gotta remember
there are 500 other people

in the trunk that are gonna
burst into flames with you.

And for what?

Computers?

That's Jared. He's been
calling me all day.

Uh, hey, can I call you back?
I'm in the middle of something.

Did you talk to Gavin Belson
about Gwart's company,

and call her sexy?

Uh, what? No.

I mean, yes,
but I barely mentioned it.

Did you call her sexy?
Yes or no?

I think I was more
talking about her tech.

So, you told Gavin Belson,

a lion in repose,

that Gwart was
a potential threat,

and now Jian-Yang is selling
us to him for pocket change.

- Jian-Yang can do that?
- Yeah.

He owns 60 percent of the company.
He can do whatever he wants.

Gavin is shutting
us down, Richard.

Gwart is so mad,
she won't even look at me.

- Aah, fuck.
- You know, if you want revenge

on me, that's fine.

But to go after Gwart?

She doesn't have

your savvy or your
ruthlessness, Richard.

Hell, she has to wear
earplugs on hikes

because the forest is too loud.

Look, I was only talking
to Gavin to save Pied Piper.

I-I had no idea he was...

A monster?
Of course you did!

That's all you talked
about for years!

"Gavin is a monster.

Poor Pied Piper.
I'm Richard Hendricks."

I don't think
my voice is that deep.

I mean, who is
the buddy-fucker now?

You are the buddy-fucker.

So, we gonna save
that T-Bird,

or are we gonna take her
right over the cliff?

So, uh,

look, I-I know it's
not a billion dollars,

but, um, given
the situation...

it's actually
a very good deal.

Do you want to sell
the company?

No, I don't.

Dinesh, I don't, but...

Ron is right.

Maximo is getting
it no matter what.

Why just give it away?

Right. Yeah.

Look, anyway, you
guys have done...

everything I've asked for,
so, uh, you all deserve this.

Well, we can take the money
and still be good people, right?

Plus, Richard
is the CEO,

so I have to follow
his orders.

I mean, no one's ever
been a bad person

'cause they followed
orders, right?

You guys, there's
really no other option.

- Yes, there is.
- What? No.

Okay, if Hooli won't
sell us Foxhole...

we could just buy Hooli.

Right. Yeah.

The-the same way we can buy
America and everything in it.

No, I-I'm serious. We just found
out how much Hooli's worth,

and it's not that much.

Sorry, how do we know
how much Hooli's worth?

Gavin bought Gwart's
company using Hooli stock?

Mm-hmm. And when he did,
he tipped his hand.

He really ran it
into the ground.

Yeah, and Maximo's
offer's so strong

that our price just shot up.

Holy shit. We're
worth more than Hooli.

Uh, hey Jared, uh,

- thank you for...
- Save it.

I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing it for Gwart.

The second you own Hooli,
you release us

to become independent,
non-negotiable.

Of course. Sure, yeah.

If that's what you want.
Cool.

So, guys...

are we really
doing this?

Fuck it. Yeah.

I think we have to.

We have to
sleep on it.

Okay.

We're gonna buy Hooli.

Big question,

- how do we buy Hooli?
- Well,

in order to get the cash,
we have to sell a chunk

of our shares to someone
other than Maximo,

and, I mean,

whoever we rope into that
is gonna lose a fortune.

- Because...?
- Well, we'd be selling to them

at our current
high price.

And when we acquire
Hooli and Foxhole,

CIFIUS will force Maximo
to dump all his shares,

and our valuation
will plummet.

And I couldn't do
that to anyone.

Oh? Couldn't you?

Yeah, I-I'm not sure
I could do it either.

Okay!
Deal breaker then, right?

'Cause there's no one
I could do that to either.

Oh, isn't there...

bro?

Oh, God damn it.

You want me to be
an investor in your company?

- I do.
- Wow,

that-that is so cool.

But I don't know why
I'm surprised because

you're literally
the greatest guy that I know.

- What?
- Yeah! I mean,

literally last week, Farooq was
calling me, and he was like,

"Hey, you know
who's a good guy?"

And I was like,
"My cousin Dinesh!"

And he was like,
"Yes. Yes, your cousin,

- Dinesh."
- That's me.

It's hard for me to say,

but I-I think we should
hang out more, okay?

And that's my fault,
and I promise that I will call you

as soon as me
and my friends get back.

Where you guys going?

Oh, we're just gonna go
down to the North Shore

because...

I bought 80 acres
in Hawaii, bro!

And the beach is, like,
pretty private or whatever,

but there's, like, fashion
shoots and supermodels...

Just sign it.

Thank you, triathletes,
for being here today

to support a wonderful
cause, HooliCares.

Hooli cares.

Do you?

Take your marks.

He's in the water.

You sure?

I cracked into
Gavin's HooliWatch.

Don't ask me how I did it.

I've got real-time GPS location,

blood pressure,
body temperature, heart rate.

I can even see where he is
in his menstrual cycle.

Looks like a good
day to fuck him.

So, I guess we're gonna
talk all damn day?

- That the play?
- Uh, no. No.

We're calling him,
okay? So...

- let's do this.
- Okay. 'Cause it just seemed like...

Lex Skelton. Hey, uh, it's,
um, Richard Hendricks.

I'd like to ask
for you to call

an emergency meeting of
the Hooli board of directors.

Flank that little
fucker in the black cap!

Uh, we've tried to, uh,

contact Gavin Belson,

but, uh, he hasn't responded.

We do, however,
have a quorum.

Let's proceed.

Great. Well, I would
like to present you

with an offer, and, uh, judging
by the current state of Hooli,

I think you'll find it
very interesting.

All right, according
to the company charter,

Gavin Belson does have
two hours to formally object.

Right.
Yeah, two hours,

so...

That's no problem at all.

You've seen my offer,

but unless everyone
agrees to sell,

there's no deal
because I need

total control
of the company.

- So, who's in?
- Richard,

I expect a lot of us
are on the fence here.

Personally, I've been with
Gavin for a lot of years,

and believe...

Oh.

Everyone?

All right. I suppose I won't
stand in the way then.

Okay!

Good, yeah.
I'll just email you

the long form,
and you can just eSign...

ESign?
No!

We don't do that.

- What?
- Never have, never will.

You want this deal
to close,

you bring us the forms,
get everyone's hard signature,

and then bring them
to me to countersign.

Is that a problem?

No.

More push, more push, more push!

Whoa, he just sped up!

There's been some lag,
but I think he's on the bike.

- Okay, we gotta hustle, guys.
- I'm aware.

All right, everybody know
where they're going?

You go, you get the signatures,

- we meet at Lex's offices, yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay. Quick, quick.

Come on, come on, come on!

Go, go, go!

One down.

The next one's up on Market.

Just up this block
and take a right.

Is that what the GPS says?

- N-no, I...
- Okay, do you wanna drive?

- No, Jared. Look...
- I'm Terry Gross.

- Look, should we maybe talk about...
- My guest is

a medical bioethicist
who learned

about opioid dependence
the hard way.

In twenty fifth...

You know, I really ought
to consult with my wife

before I make such
a big financial decision.

You're really gonna let
a woman tell you what to do?

Over here!

Oh, thank you.

Almost done here.

Gavin's just
starting the run.

His blood O2 is dog shit.

- Plan J, sir?
- Plan J!

Jay!

You are my spitting image.

I'll meet you a quarter
mile from the finish line.

Go, go, go, go, go!

I still got it, Hoover.

I know you do, sir.

As long as Jay
doesn't fuck up,

I'm gonna beat
my personal record.

Let's see,
we started at 10:00,

and now it's...

I gave Jay my watch.

The fuck?!

Turn around!
Turn around, Hoover!

Yes, sir.

Mother fuck!

So, you've got them
all signed, have you?

Yeah.
And you can just, uh,

countersign all that,
and-and,

your form to sign
is at the end there.

Do that, and we'll
be out of your way.

Fresca.

Ah.

Let's have a look-see, huh?

"To whom it may...

concern."

Okay, and actually,
the signature page...

- I've done these things before!
- Yep.

No, I know.
I know.

What do you mean
not to be disturbed?

I just got a million
texts that he's about

to sign away
my whole fucking company!

It's Gavin fucking Belson,
you clattering magpie!

Hello?

Fuck!

We need to get
to Lex's. Now!

All right. Seven down,

one to go!

Yep. Yeah,
just finish signing

that form there,
and we will...

Stop! Lex, stop!

Gavin?

- Huh?
- I thought he was in the race.

- Gavin.
- Yeah, he is.

Looks like he's waiting about
a mile from the finish line.

Oh.

You are a sneaky little
gladiator, aren't you, Richard?

But the Hooli charter,
which I wrote,

gives me the right
to block this transaction.

Uh, no. It doesn't.

Yeah, that's right.
You, uh,

you had two hours,
which lapsed...

Seven minutes ago.

I'm afraid they're right.

Shit.

Okay, fine!
I can't block it!

But come on, Lex!
We have a history together!

You wrote the very
first check to Hooli.

You're not gonna turn
your back on 30 years

of making money
together, are you?

I know we're not in the
strongest position right now,

but I will fight my way back,
that's what I do.

I-I kick and I scrap
and I-I play dirty.

Anything to win!
I-I-I could've

bailed Richard out,
but I didn't! I fucked him!

And then,
I fucked over...

"world poker tour" there!

Just for the spite of it,
just because I could!

Look, forget all
the bullshit about

making the world
a better place.

The most valuable
companies in this valley

were built and run
by-by savages,

who cheat to win.
Zuckerberg, and Jobs,

and me, Gavin Belson.

So please, Lex,
put the pen down.

Leave your money
where it is.

If this is a competition

to find out who
the shittier person is,

I'm not sure it's something
that I can add to.

I can.

- Dinesh?
- This must be said.

Gavin, you think you're
the most spiteful guy in town,

but you're not even the most
spiteful guy in this room.

The truth is...

I'm a bad person.

How do you think we got
the money for this deal?

I lied to my cousin's face.

He is going to lose
$40 million, give or take,

plus his estate
in Hawaii... I hope.

See?! I suck!

Did you know that instead
of breaking up with a girl

that scared me, I called
the FBI and sent her to prison?

- The Teslas.
- Right.

I pressured
my direct reports

to buy Teslas that
they could not afford

because I wanted better
wheels than a guy named Danny.

And I was eight years old,

I stole my friend
Ali's jump rope

and tied it to the back
of a truck that drove away,

and then I told him I had
no idea what happened to it.

And when he cried
himself to sleep,

I ate his British
candy and told him

God took it because
he hated him.

- Jesus!
- So,

if this decision is
going to come down

to who is the most spiteful,
then, respectfully, sir...

- Stop! Stop!
- I would argue...

Just stop talking!

I don't wanna be in business
with any of you people.

I don't even wanna be
in the same room with you!

I'm gonna sign this
and take my money out.

Oop! Gonna miss my bus.

Ugh...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Think you won?

Fuck you,
Richard Hendricks.

The Valley is small
and the road is long.

Just keep looking
over your shoulder.

Gentlemen.

And lady... Ow!

Hoover! Help!

Guys...

Did we...

Just buy Hooli?

Yeah, we did.

Holy shit.

Feels pretty good!

Wajeed is gonna be
so pissed at me.

And mom's
gonna kill me.

So, I guess, uh, everyone
got what they want.

Well, actually, uh, Jared.

Hey, uh...

I just wanna say, like...

I'm really sorry
about everything,

and, uh, well,

of course, I'd be happy

to give you and Gwart
your company back.

That's obvious.
And also, if you...

needed office space,

we'd be happy
to have you. Um...

I guess, I don't know,
I just... I miss you, man.

Whatever, I don't care.

Jesus.

Yeah, it's sort
of his thing.

All right,

well, everybody's
gathered out there,

- so you should probably say something.
- Okay.

Be gracious and don't
expect too much.

What are you talking
about? I mean,

won't they be happy?
I freed them from Gavin.

I mean, that's one
way of looking at it.

Or, your company just
swallowed theirs,

and you fired their
founder and CEO.

They're probably a little
freaked out. They wanna know

that they're gonna
keep their jobs.

But we don't
know if they will.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Well, you'll think of
something. Just be yours...

- Keep it short. Keep it short.
- Yeah.

Okay...
Okay.

♪ Comin' through today ♪

♪ Welcome to Terrordome ♪

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never behold Moet ♪

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Paul Laurence Dunbar ♪

♪ From the crew you thought was
just all chorus and one star ♪

♪ Now, I'm one-sixth of
a clique that runs shit ♪

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are in constant conflict ♪

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♪ A lot of details,
on my body be scales ♪

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good times since like 11 ♪

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mind like Michael Evans ♪

♪ Every posse recline,
watch me get applause ♪

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on your desert shores ♪

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and verbal fitness friend ♪

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from Lake Michigan ♪

- ♪ Hey, wait a minute, fish ♪
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♪ You got work to do... ♪

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♪ All day when I say that
I'm much more than just... ♪

This is a video
called Maximizing Alphaness.

You just gotta
subconsciously absorb it.

This is the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.

Fuck yeah.

It turns out my real parents
are alive.

So you gave me up to simplify
your first class air travel?

That's a clear row across.
A, B, C, and D.

Do we think this photo
of Richard is funny?

He was acting like your boss.
You need to assert dominance.

Ah!

It's complicated. You're
the only one who got hurt.

Sync Corrections by srjanapala