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00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,471
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, in the fall of 2010,
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00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,739
our friends Stuart and Claudia
had a baby,
3
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,876
and Lily and Marshall
were the first to visit
the happy new parents.
4
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,578
So, have you guys
landed on a name yet?
5
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,480
We're tryin',
but it's tougher than you think.
6
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:13,881
See, I like Tiffany.
7
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:16,384
And I don't
want my daughter
to have a whore's name.
8
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,386
That's my mother's name.
I know.
9
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,787
Oh, I got it!
10
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,856
How about we name
the baby after you--
Frigid Shrew.
11
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,992
Oh! That's good.
No, no, no.
12
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,660
Let's call her Vodka.
13
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,263
Then at least we know
you'll hold her tight
and never let her go.
14
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,532
Don't knock the vodka.
Wouldn't have a kid
without it.
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00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,968
[ Laughing ]
Oh, that's, Stuart--
You are so--
16
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,437
That's not gonna be us,
right?
17
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:39,107
I mean, how hard can it be
to name a baby?
18
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:42,176
Right?
Just look at her.
She's clearly a--
19
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,844
Lisa.
Emily.
20
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,213
Emily?
Lisa?
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00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:50,050
[ Baby Crying ]
[ Together ]
Uh-oh.
22
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,553
** [ Upbeat Pop ]
23
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,124
** [ Man Vocalizing ]
24
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,030
** [ Ends ]
25
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,866
Okay! I made a list
of awesome baby names.
26
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,068
Starting at the top,
number one--
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00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,338
I'm gonna stop you
right there, Marshall.
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00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,406
You name a chubby white kid
LeBron,
29
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,808
and he's the one
getting stuffed
in the basketball hoop.
30
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:18,279
Then I'm also crossing off,
um, Shaquille--
Mm-hmm.
31
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:21,515
Hakeem and Dikembe.
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00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,017
Wait. What about Rob?
33
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,687
Rob? No.
Why not?
34
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,223
Hey, Rob. What are you
gonna make-- a turkey?
35
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,059
Hunka, hunka!
36
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,961
[ Gasps ]
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00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,996
Not Rob.
38
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:39,200
Um, how about Ryan?
39
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:43,671
[ Screaming ]
40
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,906
Not Ryan.
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00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,275
Johnny?
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00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:50,411
Hey, where's the goldfish?
[ Gasps ]
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00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,450
Not Johnny.
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00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,720
Or Gil.
45
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,591
Jeremy.
46
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,296
Jeremy, no!
47
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,168
Definitely not Jeremy.
48
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,370
[ Scoffs ]
His stuff was so derivative.
49
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,606
Well, I mean--
Geez, Lily.
50
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,909
Well, whatever you do, do not
name your baby Becky. Right?
51
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,344
Why? What--
52
00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:26,247
Becky. My new co-anchor.
53
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,716
Wait, don't you guys
ever watch the show?
54
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,251
We really try.
55
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,985
Our DVR won't recognize it
as a television program.
56
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,388
I watched.
57
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:37,225
Robin insisted I confirm
how "awful" Becky is--
Mm-hmm.
58
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,893
so last night
I checked it out.
59
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,329
Peace talks in the region...
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00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,364
have been described
as productive.
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00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:46,367
Becky.
Last night
in Staten Island,
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00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,903
a taco cart owner
was robbed at gunpoint.
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00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,606
Oh! That's so sad.
64
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,475
Becky, we're--
we're journalists.
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00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:57,144
We can't get emotional
about the news we--
Oh, no!
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00:02:57,211 --> 00:03:00,314
They stole all his money
and then pelted him
with his own taco meat!
67
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,350
[ Crying ]
Who would do that?
68
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,652
Well, if you
read this story,
we might find out.
69
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,956
Oh. Can I do this one
about the horse?
70
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,892
I love horsies.
Mm-hmm.
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00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,595
Oh! The horse died.
72
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:19,267
Guys, this news
is all really sad.
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00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:23,637
Okay, no holds barred.
What'd you think of Becky?
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00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,773
Mmm.
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00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,375
[ Murmurs ]
76
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,711
- I thought
she was charming.
- You too?
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00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:34,348
Can somebody please explain
to me why the "little girl" act
works on men?
78
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,849
Want the long version
or the short version?
79
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,251
Short version.
80
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,186
Short version--
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00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,221
- Who's your daddy?
- [ Both Groan ]
82
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,923
You know,
when you think about that,
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00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,892
that phrase is really creepy.
84
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,928
No, it's not. It's fun.
Here, watch this.
85
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,563
Hey, Lily,
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00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,333
who's your daddy?
[ Chuckles ]
87
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,834
Okay, uh,
let me get this straight.
88
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:57,137
So in this scenario,
because you make
such sweet love to Lily,
89
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,906
she is now your daughter?
90
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,774
No, she is not my daughter.
91
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,344
I'm just... her daddy.
92
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,614
Wow, that is disgusting.
Exactly. It's not like
the opposite will work.
93
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,050
There's no way a guy could
pick up a girl going around
talking like a little boy.
94
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,685
Challenge accepted.
No.
95
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,554
I, Barney Stinson,
96
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,757
will pick up a girl whilst
talking like a little boy.
97
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:19,226
[ All Chattering ]
It'll never work.
98
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,895
Okay, here's my list
of baby names.
Oh.
99
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,164
- What about Tara?
- No.
100
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,800
Not Tara.
Tara was the hottest girl
in my high school.
101
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,036
We were all, like,
obsessed with her.
102
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,540
We didn't just talk about her
and fantasize about her.
103
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,542
We wrote songs about her.
104
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:40,247
[ Together ]
* Tara, your booty
is so smooth *
105
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:44,818
* And I hope this isn't rude *
106
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,621
* But I wanna get up on it **
107
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,459
Not Tara.
108
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,561
What about Esther?
109
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,498
[ Male Emcee ]
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
110
00:04:57,565 --> 00:05:00,734
On the main stage,
give it up for Esther!
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00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,002
Oh, oh.
112
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,405
Hey, Barney, that prime rib
was surprisingly good,
113
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,273
but it's 10:30
in the morning.
114
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,542
I don't need to see a lady
get naked and dance.
115
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,078
Oh, Esther gets naked,
but she doesn't dance.
116
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,814
Then what does she do?
117
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:15,349
[ Balloon Squeaking ]
118
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,553
[ Balloon Pops ]
119
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,822
Sweet Mother Nature!
120
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,262
That was my card.
121
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,400
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Give it up for Esther!
122
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,668
[ Men Clapping, Whooping ]
[ Loud Pop ]
123
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:37,938
Not Esther.
124
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,409
I need a drink.
Ted? Hmm? Ted?
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00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,915
Marshall, your list
is entirely boy names.
126
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:51,018
You do realize
there's roughly a 50% chance
of you having a daughter, right?
127
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,487
Okay, honestly,
I've never thought
about having a girl.
128
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,723
I don't want to think
about having a girl.
129
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,124
Tara, Esther--
130
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,460
can you imagine being one
of those girls' dads?
131
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,763
* Marshall's daughter *
132
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:08,101
* Your booty
Your booty's so smooth **
133
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,670
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
134
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:13,106
On the main stage,
give it up
for Marshall's daughter.
135
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,445
He screwed up my childhood.
136
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,847
That's why I do this.
[ Laughs ]
137
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,352
I have no idea
how to raise a daughter.
138
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:26,887
What if she makes bad choices?
139
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,989
I mean, what if she ends up
dating some--
140
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,025
Oh, God.
141
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,394
Papa, I want you
to meet my new boyfriend.
142
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,533
Hey, bro.
143
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,502
Thanks for makin'
such a hottie.
144
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:44,472
[ Chuckles ]
Who's your daddy?
145
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:47,040
You are-- 'cause of all
the sex we have!
146
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,309
[ Laughs, Moans ]
147
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,679
[ Retches ]
148
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,181
I don't want a girl.
I just want a little boy.
149
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,585
It's not what
it sounds like, folks.
150
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,792
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
151
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,427
[ Woman ]
Marshall, is that you?
152
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:10,130
Oh, okay, you guys,
you're a little too close
to the camera.
153
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,699
Can you back up a bit?
154
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,836
How's this?
155
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,437
Every time.
156
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:22,576
Um, can you just sit
in front of the computer
like normal human beings?
157
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,277
Perfect. Perfect.
158
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:26,079
What's up, Shooter?
159
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,881
To be honest, I'm getting
a little freaked out...
160
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,083
about the idea
of having a daughter.
161
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,620
I know you two probably
aren't the right people
to talk to about this.
162
00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:35,556
- You had all boys.
- Oh, well, that--
that was just dumb luck.
163
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:39,226
Uh, hey, honey,
would you get me a brewski
from outta the shed?
164
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,194
Sure.
You want anything, Marshall?
165
00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,796
I'm in a computer, Mom.
166
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,932
Oh.
167
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,399
Yeah, all boys.
168
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,102
Total coinkydink.
169
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,104
It was no coinkydink.
170
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,740
Since the Viking age,
171
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:56,844
the Eriksen men have
passed down ancient secrets
for conceiving boys.
172
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,547
Number one: Avoid lemons.
173
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,549
They're baby girl fertilizer.
174
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,250
Okay, no offense, Dad,
175
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,252
but I doubt there's
any scientific data
to support--
176
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,388
[ Mocking ]
"I doubt there's any
scientific data to support"--
177
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,257
I had all sons!
178
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,092
Your grandfather had all sons.
179
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,662
Your great-grandfather
had all sons.
180
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,329
Scoreboard!
181
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:20,534
Who you gonna listen to--
me or the scientific data?
182
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:25,172
Members of the G-8
convened today in Vienna...
183
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,542
to discuss plans
to fight climate change,
by which--
184
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:31,178
What?
Ask me
what I did yesterday.
185
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,647
Hey, Becky.
Becky, this is
our news segment, okay?
186
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,482
Nobody cares
what you did yesterday.
187
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:38,819
Lighten up, Robin.
What'd you do, sweetheart?
188
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,053
Mike?
189
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,757
Well, I'm new in town
and don't know many people,
190
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,526
but yesterday
I met the sweetest man...
191
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:49,196
who took me on a tour
of the city.
192
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,899
[ Whispering ]
Guys, New York is kinda cool.
193
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,234
Okay. Back to the G-8
conference.
194
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,669
Hello?
195
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,205
Mike? Can I
get in the shot?
196
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,208
Fantastic.
197
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,310
Then, this cutie patootie...
198
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,179
took me to this bar
called MacLaren's
right underneath his apartment.
199
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:10,117
Wait. Did you go out
with Ted Mosby?
Yes!
200
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,552
Guys, I went out
with Robin's roommate.
201
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,088
I saw her bedroom.
202
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:18,025
[ Whispering ]
She's a messy Bessie.
203
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,459
In other news,
204
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:23,496
later today
a Manhattan architect
gets punched in the throat.
205
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,032
Ow!
206
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,867
Ted, of all the women
in New York,
207
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,102
you had to go out
with an eight-year-old girl?
208
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,004
Yeah. Not what
it sounds like, folks.
209
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,573
Ted, you know
that I hate her.
210
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,676
How could you go out
on a date with this girl?
211
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:37,210
It wasn't a date.
212
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,312
She came over to the apartment
looking for you.
213
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:43,016
I made Robin my famous
chocolate-chip cookies,
214
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,787
but instead of chocolate chips
I used Gummi bears.
215
00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:47,788
Oh!
216
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:50,023
[ Screams ]
A spider!
217
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,860
Let me guess.
218
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,962
She acted like
a helpless little girl,
219
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,297
and you stepped in
as the big strong man.
220
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,134
I don't know
if that's totally true.
221
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,873
It's okay, little darlin'.
222
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,540
[ Sighs ]
Poor spider.
223
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,309
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
224
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,313
Spiders gotta die...
225
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,315
so trees can grow.
226
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,119
Then I held her tight,
227
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:22,055
told her
it was all gonna be okay.
228
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,358
By the way, I think
I only wounded the spider.
229
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,060
It crawled off into my bedroom.
230
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,962
Wait. Is that why
you slept on the couch
last night?
231
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,899
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah. I slept.
232
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,035
I'm dyin' out here.
233
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:38,438
Talkin' like a little boy
is not working
with the ladies.
234
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,841
Wow, lady.
235
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,310
You got
some "tig ol' bitties"!
236
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,213
[ Stammers ]
237
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:47,815
Gosh!
238
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:52,052
Your body's a perfect...
this many.
239
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:57,424
Uh, do you wanna wrestle
with our special
bathing suit places?
240
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,160
Come on.
241
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,796
I just need two seconds,
baby.
242
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,765
I know you think
that's a compliment,
243
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,867
but I'd rather
you take your time.
244
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,269
No, um, I'll be--
I'll be right back.
245
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:21,381
Ancient Norse wisdom tells us
that to sire a son,
246
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,752
you must do three things
right before you lay
with your maiden.
247
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:27,387
First, eat pickled herring.
248
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,523
Eat it!
249
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:33,126
This is ridiculous.
250
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,065
[ Emcee ]
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
251
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,533
On the main stage,
throwing her life away,
252
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,702
give it up
for Marshall's daughter.
253
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:45,072
[ Crowd Applauds ]
254
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,942
Who's your granddaddy?
255
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:52,245
- That guy.
- [ Weeping ]
256
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,485
[ Whimpers ]
257
00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,753
[ Groans ]
258
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,758
Hey, wanna have a three-way
with me and my imaginary friend?
259
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,794
His name's Otis.
260
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,396
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
You don't--
261
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,132
Hey. Hey!
Wanna come to my house
and play telephone?
262
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,501
I got the string,
you got the cans.
263
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,069
[ Giggles ]
264
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:20,140
I wet myself.
Will you change me?
265
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,276
Can't blame her on that one.
266
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:29,249
Guys, I have some terrible,
terrible news.
267
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:32,252
I, Barney Stinson,
268
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:36,623
can't pick up a girl
whilst talking
like a little boy.
269
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,159
Challenge forfeited.
[ Sobs ]
270
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:42,863
We don't care about this at all.
No one challenged you.
It wasn't really a challenge.
271
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,066
[ Sobs ]
I'm sorry.
272
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,936
[ Man ]
Hey, Gerard.
What's with that shirt?
273
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,938
Nobody could pick up a chick
wearing that thing.
274
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,240
Challenge accept--
275
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:56,709
[ Sobbing ]
276
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,345
Wow, I'm glad that's over.
277
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,014
It was creepy watching Barney
talk like a little kid.
278
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,216
Oh, but you
find it irresistible
when Becky does?
279
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,652
I don't get it.
The Ted that I
went out with...
280
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,254
was attracted
to the kind of woman...
281
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,489
who could use a steak knife
without supervision.
282
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:12,159
For your information,
Becky doesn't like steak.
283
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,461
She likes "pasghetti"--
Spaghetti.
284
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:18,031
And more importantly,
she makes me feel needed.
Needed?
285
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,200
She makes training wheels
feel needed.
286
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,269
Hey, it's nice to feel needed.
287
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:25,072
And you know what?
It's not a feeling guys get
when they're with you.
288
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,276
[ Gagging ]
289
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,981
Son,
Viking lore tells us...
290
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:38,118
that to ensure
the continuation
of your noble male lineage,
291
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:43,123
get a big ol' bowl of ice
and dunk your man sack
right in there.
292
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,893
[ Laughing ]
You two and your football.
293
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,134
Okay.
294
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,371
Mm-hmm.
295
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:00,407
[ Exhales ]
[ Ice Cubes Clink ]
296
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:04,044
[ Screams ]
297
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:07,180
Now, get in there,
point Lily due north,
298
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,616
and make me a grandson!
299
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,985
Eriksen!
300
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:15,422
Eriksen!
[ Groaning ]
301
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,731
When we were dating, I--
302
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,399
I didn't
make you feel needed?
303
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,336
Come on. You always
took charge of everything.
304
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,440
Oop. I got this.
305
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,610
Is this okay?
Am I hurting you?
306
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,512
I got this.
Whoa!
[ Groans ]
307
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,214
[ Rattling ]
308
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:44,284
Someone's trying
to break in!
Call the cops.
309
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,553
[ Shotgun Cocks ]
I got this.
310
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,823
Did that
really bother you?
Well, yeah.
311
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,226
It's nice to be needed.
312
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,395
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
313
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,130
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
314
00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:01,901
It's Becky.
Aw, she's trapped
in a revolving door.
315
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,705
I got this.
316
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:06,974
Thank you.
317
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:12,212
[ Shivers ]
Let's make a baby.
Mmm!
318
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:13,880
Whoa!
319
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,216
Baby, you're packin' snowballs,
320
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,485
and your breath
smells like a mermaid fart.
321
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,921
Loving the dirty talk.
You know what's even hotter?
322
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,823
If we face this-a way.
Hmm?
323
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,825
Ooh, we're bad.
Baby--
324
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,361
Hey, baby, why are you
facing me north?
325
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,063
I--
[ Gasps ]
326
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,999
You're trying
to make us have a boy!
327
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,134
I can ex--
328
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,404
How do you know about
the north thing?
329
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:38,938
Oh, um--
330
00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:41,308
And what are you doing
with those lemons?
331
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,012
Baby girl fertilizer!
332
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,148
You're trying to make us
have a girl!
333
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,188
You are trying
to make us have a girl.
334
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,725
All my least favorite students
have been boys,
335
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,494
so I googled
"How to make a girl."
336
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:04,397
Some really weird stuff came up.
[ Chuckles ]
337
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:08,501
But, finally, I found
this conception Web site
that said you should--
338
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,671
[ Thinking ]
Point south at the moment
of conception,
339
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,207
eat a lemon--
[ Sighs ]
340
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,743
[ Groans ]
341
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:20,647
and heat up your lady parts
to a balmy 105 degrees.
342
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,382
[ Whirring ]
343
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:28,921
Ooh. Ahhh.
Oh, that's not bad.
344
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,990
Mmm!
345
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,559
[ Marshall ]
Eriksen!
346
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,127
Ooh, ooh.
347
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,764
Lily, how could you do...
348
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,466
exactly
the same thing I did?
349
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,368
You're supposed
to be the sane one.
350
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:45,305
See that?
Another boy expecting a woman
to clean up his mistakes.
351
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,540
That's why girls
are way better than boys.
352
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,410
Oh, really? Then how come
whenever there's a creepy kid
in a horror movie,
353
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:55,148
it's always a little girl--
or twin girls
who speak in unison.
354
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,016
Oh, well, what about Chucky?
355
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,552
Okay. A: He was a doll.
356
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:02,455
B: He was possessed
by an adult serial killer.
357
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:06,393
And C: How could you
bring up Chucky
right before bed?
358
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,729
[ Doorbell Rings ]
359
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:11,931
Hey.
Hey.
360
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,600
Hey. Um--
361
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:17,170
When we were dating, did--
did I make you feel needed?
362
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:20,107
No, I didn't feel
like you needed me at all.
363
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,874
[ Sighs ]
That's what I thought.
364
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,643
Uh, I'm sorry.
365
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:27,214
Wait. Where are you go--
That's a compliment.
366
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,516
You're the least-needy woman
I've ever met.
367
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,017
That's awesome.
368
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,854
I mean, no guy's gonna
say "Who's your daddy?"
to Robin Scherbatsky.
369
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,656
You're your own daddy...
370
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,125
and mommy...
371
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,194
and weird survivalist uncle
who lives in a cabin
with a shotgun,
372
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,929
blaming stuff
on the government.
373
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,598
[ Chuckling ]
374
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:49,769
And that is what makes you
the most amazing,
375
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,038
strong,
376
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,941
independent woman
I've ever banged.
377
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,377
Thanks, Barney.
378
00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:01,348
You know, um, there's something
that I wanted to ask you.
379
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,151
I don't really know
how to say it,
380
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,785
so here goes.
381
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,922
Who's the crazy chick
in the apron?
382
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:13,460
[ Baby Talk ]
Someone naughty left
his toys on the floor...
383
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:17,164
and needs to be spanked
on his tushy-tush.
384
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,269
[ Baby Talk ]
Uh-oh. I'm in twubble!
385
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,537
You did it. How?
386
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:28,575
Last night
after admitting defeat,
I just let myself go.
387
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,511
Mmm! That looks so good.
Can I have some?
388
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:35,615
No! It's my ice cream.
You can't have any.
389
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:38,918
Someone needs to teach you
how to share.
390
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:39,886
[ Scoffs ]
391
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,557
Who's your mommy?
392
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,697
Challenge completed!
393
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,098
Mmm.
[ Laughs ]
394
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,767
Now, uh, can you get
this freak outta here?
I'm really scared.
395
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,569
I got this.
396
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,639
** [ Spaghetti Western Theme ]
397
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,512
Oh, so you finally
agreed on a name.
398
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:10,583
Well, the other night,
she ran a--
a really high fever.
399
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,220
[ Stuart ]
We rushed her to the emergency
room at 3:00 in the morning,
400
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,622
but they wouldn't admit her
without a name.
401
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:22,462
Right then and there
we realized how stupid
we were being.
402
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:26,966
We looked at each other
and, well, we just knew.
403
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,735
Our baby's name is--
404
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,203
[ Together ]
Esther.
405
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,904
[ Gags ]
Esther!
406
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,741
[ Emcee ]
Esther!
407
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:36,476
That's beautiful.
408
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:37,677
Yeah.
409
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,081
We're idiots.
410
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,718
Baby, names and gender--
It's just like--
411
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,720
It's some way
of giving ourselves
the illusion...
412
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,689
that we have
any control whatsoever.
413
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,659
I-I just want a healthy,
happy 12-pound--
414
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,494
Whoa!
415
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,795
Ten-pound?
416
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:59,366
Eight-pound?
[ Sighs ]
I guess.
417
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,934
But, dude, you're writing checks
my vagina can't cash.
418
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,536
[ Chuckles ]
419
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,805
I love you.
Mmm.
420
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,908
And I'm gonna love the crap
outta whatever baby we have.
421
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,910
Me too.
422
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,250
You know what?
423
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:20,653
We should just think
of a name that's good
for either a girl or a boy.
424
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,123
Like, um--
[ Together ]
Jamie.
425
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:27,827
Marshall,
we just named our baby.
426
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,263
Jamie.
427
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:35,335
Not Jamie!
428
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,313
[ Both Chuckle ]
429
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,448
Shoe's untied.
I got it.
430
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,627
Yeah, this is over.
29230
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