Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,660 --> 00:00:02,560
Hmm, hmm, hmm
2
00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:04,529
Hey, Boonie!
Boone... nigga, put that down!
3
00:00:04,530 --> 00:00:05,799
That's for company.
4
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,939
You act like I live here.
I am company.
5
00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:10,600
Nigga, you ain't company.
You family, hear?
6
00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:13,009
Family is something you put up with
7
00:00:13,010 --> 00:00:15,309
'cause they're [BLEEP] family.
8
00:00:15,310 --> 00:00:18,309
- Shalinka, Mr. Lloyd.
- Howdy-doo.
9
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,549
Something ain't right.
Your mama pouring me a drink.
10
00:00:21,550 --> 00:00:24,080
She ain't never treated me
like company, Boone.
11
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:26,950
Oh, there's all sorts of company.
12
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,120
Invited company, "who are them
niggas over there?" company,
13
00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:34,259
and, "damn, woman,
you got a thick ass" company.
14
00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:35,529
I know this nigga didn't just
15
00:00:35,530 --> 00:00:36,999
say something 'bout my mama...
16
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,199
Yeah, I sure did.
17
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,730
Now that I'm sober,
when I see a thick ass,
18
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:44,739
I tend to take notice. Heh, heh.
19
00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:46,139
Nigga, you better not.
20
00:00:46,140 --> 00:00:47,939
Oooh-whoo!
21
00:00:55,350 --> 00:01:01,513
sync and corrections by awaqededwww.addic7ed.com.
22
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,629
Ms. Tudi, could you please tell us
23
00:01:04,630 --> 00:01:08,929
what was so important
for us to be here?
24
00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:12,169
You are about to find out. Ha!
25
00:01:12,170 --> 00:01:13,969
- What is she up to?
- I don't know.
26
00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:15,239
Hey! Come on in.
27
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:19,139
So, everyone, this is
Phil Closterfawk.
28
00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:20,170
Osterfawk.
29
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,609
You work for child support, don't you?
30
00:01:22,610 --> 00:01:26,279
Now, Phil makes amazing TV shows.
31
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:32,389
And, get this,
he wants us to star in one.
32
00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:33,950
We get to fight some zombies?
33
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,859
Or swing swords
with hot babes in tunics?
34
00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:41,359
Nigga, what's your dumb ass
know about a damn tunic?
35
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:42,829
Hey, I know they look good
36
00:01:42,830 --> 00:01:44,999
with them skinny
white bitches with sandals
37
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,430
on when they be flying
on them dragons.
38
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,300
You know, as awesome as that sounds...
39
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,000
and that does sound awesome...
40
00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:53,809
What I do is much more, uh,
grounded. It's down-to-earth.
41
00:01:53,810 --> 00:01:55,379
I don't know if you guys have seen
42
00:01:55,380 --> 00:01:57,849
"Real Police Wives of Simi Valley,"
43
00:01:57,850 --> 00:01:59,379
uh, "Hip Hop Hussies,"
44
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:00,610
"Lesbian Lockdown".
45
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:03,219
That's... hey. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
46
00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:07,959
So he want us to make a
ratchet-ass reality TV show?
47
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,059
- Hey, it sounds good.
- Doesn't it, Boonie?
48
00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:13,229
I mean, come on, Shalinka.
Who can be more ratchet than us?
49
00:02:13,230 --> 00:02:16,560
When it come to ratchet,
we got that shit on lock.
50
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,729
Ms. Tudi, I don't even
know what your ghetto,
51
00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:22,169
criminally-minded ass
is even talking about right now.
52
00:02:22,170 --> 00:02:25,109
I agree with her.
I'm not going to exploit myself
53
00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:27,309
for the entertainment of the people
54
00:02:27,310 --> 00:02:29,509
unless I get a chance
to kill me some zombies!
55
00:02:29,510 --> 00:02:32,279
Those shows make folks look stupid.
56
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,279
They also make people very rich.
57
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,750
By season three, you could each
be making $20,000 per episode.
58
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,919
- What?!
- $20,000. Tell 'em.
59
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,389
Mother[BLEEP] a zombie!
60
00:02:44,390 --> 00:02:46,359
Ohh!
61
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,829
There's just one little hitch.
62
00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:50,560
You need to convince Jesus
to be on the show.
63
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:55,450
Damn. Aw. What the [BLEEP] Osterfawk?
64
00:02:56,370 --> 00:02:58,669
And we all get to live in a fly crib
65
00:02:58,670 --> 00:03:02,079
where you basically mentor us
on how to be better people.
66
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,709
That sound like the business
I do already, Boonie.
67
00:03:04,710 --> 00:03:06,110
But our crib ain't fly.
68
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,079
All I'm saying, man,
is all these shows do
69
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,719
is just make people look stupid.
70
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,719
Jesus, I know this looks shady,
71
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,119
but if we do this show,
72
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,659
it could put Boonlinka
and Boon-Boon through college.
73
00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:19,710
Oh! Mm-hmm. I don't want them
to end up like their daddy.
74
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,299
Amen.
75
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,829
Hey, Nessa.
76
00:03:22,830 --> 00:03:24,799
Hey, what you think about
this whole reality-show thing?
77
00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,069
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you asking her?
78
00:03:27,070 --> 00:03:29,800
Because she's the only one
that never asks for shit.
79
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,139
But she got a big nipple.
80
00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:32,970
But she ain't got
nothing else to gain.
81
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,909
That's why I know
she gonna tell the truth.
82
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,679
Nessa, what you think
about that, mama?
83
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,009
I know it can be
some trifling nonsense,
84
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:42,079
but this may be good to get your
pops' word out in a big way.
85
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,119
I mean, you can't just be
getting the word out
86
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,150
with sermons on the damn mount
no more, Jesus.
87
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,189
You need the media
if you want to be heard.
88
00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:54,190
Word. Word. That's right.
That's right. Thank you.
89
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,499
I guess it would get
pops' word out way faster.
90
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:00,599
- That's right, man.
- Yeah.
91
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,299
You know what? I'ma do it.
92
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:05,709
- God damn!
- That's what we trying to say.
93
00:04:05,710 --> 00:04:07,470
- Yes!
- Hallelujah.
94
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:12,249
But only if it don't become
the same ratchet bullshit.
95
00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:13,510
I'm not doing ratchet.
96
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:17,049
At the first sign of
ratchet-ivity, I'm out the door.
97
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:22,920
I'm pretty sure this some
ratchet bullshit, Ms. Tudi.
98
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,959
Jesus, listen, don't mess up
my first day of co-producing.
99
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,829
I mean, you look like...
The beautiful one.
100
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:31,399
No, I look like
prince's sofa, Ms. Tudi.
101
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:36,739
You look great.
So let's go crazy! Right?
102
00:04:36,740 --> 00:04:38,639
Come on, Jesus. Give it a chance.
103
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,809
Check out your new digs.
104
00:04:40,810 --> 00:04:43,579
This is not "purple rain."
this is purple pain.
105
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:46,549
But if the show is called
"The Real Jesus of Compton,"
106
00:04:46,550 --> 00:04:48,419
shouldn't it be shot in Compton?
107
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:50,019
Compton is a shit hole.
108
00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:52,719
Yes, Compton is a shit hole
that a whole lot of honest,
109
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,219
pops-fearin' folks call home.
110
00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:56,859
- Ugh.
- Well, technically we are in Compton.
111
00:04:56,860 --> 00:05:00,110
We're calling this Compton manor.
112
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,299
Man...
113
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,799
I don't say this often, but holy shit.
114
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,739
Told you. I told you.
115
00:05:15,410 --> 00:05:18,349
I'd like to welcome you to
"The Real Jesus of Compton."
116
00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:21,110
for the next six weeks,
we'll live together
117
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,319
while I, Jesus Christ
the great and powerful,
118
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:29,119
will manifest a positive
change for your lives.
119
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,159
Eh, Phil, what's up
with this rock, man?
120
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,059
This rock is hurting my ass.
121
00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:34,559
You got me sitting up
here cross-legged.
122
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,529
That's Buddha shit.
I ain't no biter, dawg.
123
00:05:36,530 --> 00:05:38,169
I got my own style.
124
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:41,990
We can fix that in post. Keep going.
125
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:45,209
Let's "get busy" with the spirit.
126
00:05:45,210 --> 00:05:47,739
Uh, I just have one question, Jesus.
127
00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:49,779
Who in the hell are these white folks?
128
00:05:49,780 --> 00:05:53,210
Boonie, Lloyd, Shalinka, Ms. Tudi,
129
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,879
meet your new housemates...
130
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,049
Bruno, Louie, and Bambi.
131
00:05:57,050 --> 00:06:00,189
Bambi? Jesus, I didn't
come up here to shack up
132
00:06:00,190 --> 00:06:03,120
with some stripper
from the peppermint panther.
133
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,829
That is so wrong. I'm not a stripper.
134
00:06:05,830 --> 00:06:07,659
Whatever. You got a stripper name.
135
00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:11,529
I knew if that white woman
said anything else,
136
00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:13,130
there's gonna be a bitch fight.
137
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:17,039
In five, four, three, two...
138
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,439
Better a stripper name
than a hoe name.
139
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:25,209
Shalinka? That's beyond hoe.
That's all corner hoe.
140
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,649
...One.
141
00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:28,779
Your great-grandmama a hoe, bitch.
142
00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:30,380
Ho! Bitch fight!
143
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:35,189
Like I said, that lotus pose,
that's Buddha's move.
144
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,659
- Oh, Jesus.
- Get her, Shalinka.
145
00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:41,190
Bitch fight! Black and white!
146
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,129
Put your boy legs to sleep.
147
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:47,530
Hey, look, dawg, I don't think
148
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,939
all these extra people
are such a good idea.
149
00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:52,239
And this robe is worse than
the last one.
150
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,609
Come on, man.
151
00:06:53,610 --> 00:06:55,339
This thing's so tight,
I got to take baby steps.
152
00:06:55,340 --> 00:06:56,740
Okay, well, we'll get it changed
153
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,079
after the next scene, I promise.
154
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,549
Please do. Thank you, man.
Thank you. God bless.
155
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:08,119
And one way to heal
our problems is to share.
156
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,859
Like, I once had a problem
with the Romans...
157
00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:13,090
Problem? Shit.
158
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,759
They mother[BLEEP]
nailed me to a cross.
159
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,260
A cross, dawg!
160
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:20,169
And me with my forgivin',
mother[BLEEP] ass, I asked pops,
161
00:07:20,170 --> 00:07:22,599
"forgive them, for they knew
not what they did."
162
00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:27,739
They punk asses knew.
163
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:31,849
...And pops had a problem
with an angel named Lucifer.
164
00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:36,019
The dark lord! Better recognize.
165
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,119
I recognize, Louie.
166
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:42,259
But the question is, does
the dark lord recognize you?
167
00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:44,220
Honestly, my relationship with Satan
168
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:45,629
isn't so great right now.
169
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:49,199
I can, uh, feel him
slipping from my life.
170
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,599
Good honesty. Thank you.
171
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:54,099
Good? This fool talking
about Satan, Jesus.
172
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,769
But he's sharing. Ms. Tudi?
173
00:07:56,770 --> 00:07:58,609
My problem is mother[BLEEP]
174
00:07:58,610 --> 00:08:01,309
That won't give me my proper respect.
175
00:08:01,310 --> 00:08:03,340
It can hurt when mother[BLEEP]
don't respect us.
176
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,679
Mm-hmm.
177
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,479
But the best way to get
mother[BLEEP] to respect us
178
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,680
is to give mother[BLEEP] respect.
179
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,519
- Hmm?
- But we'll talk about that later.
180
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:13,919
Lloyd.
181
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,859
My problem is called "your black ass."
182
00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,489
- Mm.
- I was a drunk,
183
00:08:18,490 --> 00:08:20,490
but I was a happy drunk.
184
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,760
Then you healed me,
and now I'm pissed.
185
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,530
I am pissed!
186
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:29,539
Great to hear.
Boonie, do you care to share?
187
00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:34,239
My problem is this
rock-punishing bitch right here.
188
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,079
- Hmm.
- And my problem, Jesus,
189
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,740
is this nigga there,
190
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:41,449
and this half-naked
white heifer over here.
191
00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:43,549
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.
192
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:45,049
Get froggy.
193
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:47,389
I didn't say nothing when
you was eyeballing
194
00:08:47,390 --> 00:08:51,359
that Rico suave-looking dude
over there.
195
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,590
I didn't even notice him.
196
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:59,669
- Bruno here is a sex addict.
- Bruno [BLEEP] anything.
197
00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:01,699
Well, all right.
198
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:04,339
Bambi is also dealing
with sexual issues.
199
00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:07,509
I just can't stop screwing black guys.
200
00:09:07,510 --> 00:09:10,979
Hey, well, before you fix
your problem, we should talk.
201
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:13,010
Absolutely.
202
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,310
What?!
203
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,079
You didn't see me throwing my panties
204
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,589
at the Egyptian lover over here.
205
00:09:18,590 --> 00:09:20,050
Why not?
206
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,459
He says he [BLEEP] anything.
207
00:09:22,460 --> 00:09:25,559
Family, we're getting away from
this productive conversation.
208
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,090
I'll show y'all productive.
209
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,729
Lloyd, what are you...
210
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,399
Don't anybody want to see all that!
211
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,830
- Oh! Lloyd, what you doing?
- Get away!
212
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,840
- Come back here, woman!
- Get away! Away with you!
213
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,309
Bruno no [BLEEP] that.
214
00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:42,679
You know, I discovered,
showing my ass and ding-a-ling,
215
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,609
which is a dick, to others
216
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:47,579
is the only thing that gives me
the same high
217
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:49,019
as a fifth of Darby.
218
00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:51,789
I can never unsee that shit. Never.
219
00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:53,019
Eeh!
220
00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:56,089
It was really big, and super black,
221
00:09:56,090 --> 00:09:58,929
and there were these,
like, little gray hairs.
222
00:09:58,930 --> 00:10:02,729
But, I don't know. Maybe that's hot?
223
00:10:02,730 --> 00:10:04,199
Listen. Jesus, Jesus, just listen.
224
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,630
Listen. Just listen. Chill.
225
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,030
You don't look bad.
226
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,239
Not bad. Stupid, Ms. Tudi.
227
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,609
No, no, no. Not stupid. Unexpected.
228
00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:15,479
Yeah, and unexpected
is what they tune in for.
229
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,509
That's what makes people watch,
you know what I'm saying?
230
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:19,449
Oh! What up, Ms. Tudi.
231
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:22,319
'Bout to get my nama-nastay on.
232
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,289
Who let this yoga bitch in here?
233
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:28,050
- Mm.
- And a nice big inhale.
234
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:32,529
And on the exhale, through
your core, pull up and back.
235
00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:37,329
I can't breathe with this
bitch's funky ass in my face!
236
00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:39,699
There's about to be
a bitch fight up in here.
237
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:40,930
You hear me, God?
238
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,569
What now?
239
00:10:42,570 --> 00:10:43,769
Bitch!
240
00:10:43,770 --> 00:10:45,169
Bitch fight.
241
00:10:48,310 --> 00:10:50,809
Bitch! I got to go?
242
00:10:50,810 --> 00:10:52,649
Ms. Tudi was fighting, too!
243
00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:55,019
Yeah, but only one of y'all
pulled out the shank.
244
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:56,519
Look, pops never meant for y'all
245
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,089
to have this type
of junk in your trunk.
246
00:10:59,090 --> 00:11:01,319
Wasn't in my trunk. It was in my hood.
247
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,359
'Cause my engine is hella good.
And tight.
248
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,590
'Cause don't nobody want to ride
that thing and loosen it up.
249
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,560
- Oh, people be riding.
- Ladies, ladies! Please, please!
250
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,329
Look... Look, Teresa, I'm sorry.
251
00:11:12,330 --> 00:11:13,899
This is the end of your enlightenment.
252
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:15,569
Teresa, thanks for playing,
253
00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:17,169
but don't forget your parting gift.
254
00:11:17,170 --> 00:11:19,670
Oh, no!
255
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:23,809
Sharing my godly blessings
with God's other children
256
00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:26,479
is a high alcohol can't touch.
257
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,430
I smell emmy!
258
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,459
Previously on
"The Real Jesus of Compton"...
259
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:41,329
Damn. It's supposed to be lights out!
260
00:11:41,330 --> 00:11:44,299
- Come on, dice.
- Show me that third leg, baby.
261
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,630
- Come on, man.
- Yeah!
262
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,469
- Hey, work, Bruno.
- Yeah. Mm.
263
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:58,449
If it was up to me, all they
asses to fiery pits, right now.
264
00:11:58,450 --> 00:12:00,810
Yeah, baby. Come to mama, Bruno.
265
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,879
- Oh, my...
- Girl, yes.
266
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,589
Whoa. Okay, so that's good, right?
267
00:12:05,590 --> 00:12:06,619
That's great.
268
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:08,219
I mean, Jesus wishing people to hell,
269
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,159
that kind of twist
is money in the bank.
270
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,789
And speaking of twists...
271
00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:13,290
Phil, I don't want to see
that yoga bitch
272
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,690
pop back up here again.
273
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,250
Okay.
274
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,799
Don't nobody need to be
this goddamn healthy.
275
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,769
Ooh, celery sticks!
276
00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:27,670
How anyone's ass get that thick
off some damn celery sticks?
277
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,609
I mean, I know what
the [BLEEP] soy is.
278
00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:34,379
Pops made it, but he also
made pigs, chicken, fish.
279
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:37,719
And, little known fact,
barbecue sauce.
280
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,689
Jesus, what is this?
281
00:12:39,690 --> 00:12:41,450
They got me locked in this damn thing.
282
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:43,220
We can't have you
constantly running around
283
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,689
showing your ass off to folks.
284
00:12:44,690 --> 00:12:46,490
It wasn't my ass I was showing!
285
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:49,229
It's not a good look, man.
Nobody want to see that shit.
286
00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:52,369
- Morning, Jesus.
- Good morning, Bambi.
287
00:12:52,370 --> 00:12:54,830
Hey, tiger. When's show time?
288
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,769
Mm-hmm. How do you know
what people want to see?
289
00:12:57,770 --> 00:12:59,469
You can't go by her.
290
00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:00,939
She's a sick and confused white girl
291
00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,939
with a sick-and-confused
white-girl appetite.
292
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:06,610
Oh, because she like black dick,
she's sick and confused.
293
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,679
I like pink toes.
People need to share.
294
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,219
"You're crazy, and cuckoo-cuckoo."
295
00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:15,759
look, we'll talk about that
on a one-on-one session, okay?
296
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,659
Now, Boonie, to begin
our one-on-one session,
297
00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:20,390
I'd just like for you to draw the face
298
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,429
of the person you have issues with
299
00:13:22,430 --> 00:13:24,599
and tell them how you feel.
300
00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:31,839
What is that?
301
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,839
That's a witch's hat.
302
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,939
Well, go ahead
and tell her how you feel.
303
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:41,549
Mama, why you always got
to be so mean to a nigga?!
304
00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:43,449
I had to sleep in that dark room,
305
00:13:43,450 --> 00:13:46,319
and you wouldn't
put on the light, mama.
306
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:51,829
Oh.
307
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:54,329
Did that help,
or are you still mad at me?
308
00:13:54,330 --> 00:13:57,599
No Christmas toys, mama?!
309
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,869
You're the reason
I'm with Shalinka, mama!
310
00:13:59,870 --> 00:14:02,569
Alcohol used to keep my bowels moving.
311
00:14:02,570 --> 00:14:05,409
Since your meddle-some ass
has made me sober,
312
00:14:05,410 --> 00:14:08,509
I've been blocked up for weeks.
313
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:12,609
You ran daddy away
'cause he was late coming home.
314
00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:14,210
You [BLEEP] my high-school coach,
315
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:15,819
and I still ain't get in the game.
316
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:17,019
Oh!
317
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:20,150
Oh. Uh-oh.
318
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,350
I might have to go soon.
319
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,320
I might have to go.
320
00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:27,529
You know what this
bitch be doing, Jesus?
321
00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:29,099
I'm gonna need you
to stop all that crying
322
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,829
and man the [BLEEP] up.
323
00:14:30,830 --> 00:14:34,299
I need a black marker
so I can draw her heart.
324
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:37,139
Phil, this ain't working
out as planned, dawg.
325
00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:39,839
Look, I believe in tough love,
but in private.
326
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,779
I shouldn't have to tell
no grown folks to man up on TV.
327
00:14:42,780 --> 00:14:44,679
That's some Denzel
Washington type shit.
328
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,509
You have to realize, people need you.
329
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:48,579
I mean, bad shit is happening.
330
00:14:48,580 --> 00:14:50,080
Look.
331
00:14:52,590 --> 00:14:54,250
This happened here?
332
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,659
Yeah.
333
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,420
Man, I hate having
to straighten fools out,
334
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,489
but I'm gonna have to
straighten them fools out.
335
00:14:59,490 --> 00:15:01,629
Great. Any chance for a miracle?
336
00:15:01,630 --> 00:15:03,999
No.
337
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,969
Man, y'all been straight
wildin' out up in this piece.
338
00:15:06,970 --> 00:15:08,469
The sinning got to stop.
339
00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:10,869
And, Boonie, I'm especially
disappointed in your ass.
340
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:13,139
Check out this digital debauchery.
341
00:15:13,140 --> 00:15:14,939
Get your big ass in here.
342
00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:16,509
Oh, hey, well, uh,
343
00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:18,209
sleep [BLEEP] is one of the issues
344
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,409
that I'm here to deal with.
345
00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:21,749
Boonie, you so damn triflin'.
346
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:26,689
Shalinka, let she who is without
trife cast the first stone.
347
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:28,489
Time to ride the whiteness.
348
00:15:28,490 --> 00:15:31,559
Bruno [BLEEP] Shalaylay.
349
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,559
Well, I'ma tell you, both you
heifers are nasty to me.
350
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,129
- Bitch fight.
- Okay, cut!
351
00:15:37,130 --> 00:15:39,329
- Cut this.
- Bitch fight.
352
00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:40,969
Ladies! Ladies!
353
00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:43,869
There is a better way to settle this.
354
00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:47,139
Bitch fight.
355
00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:52,379
Come on, girl. Don't let her
get you like that.
356
00:15:52,380 --> 00:15:56,319
Bite her! Bite her!
357
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,380
I never thought Ms. Tudi and Shalinka
358
00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,619
would agree
to some bullshit like this.
359
00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:03,219
They didn't until I offered
them a bump in the money.
360
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:06,659
Fight! Whoo-whee!
361
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:08,859
- Jesus!
- Let go, fool!
362
00:16:10,730 --> 00:16:12,469
What do you mean you're quitting?
363
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:14,030
I'm done, man.
364
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,439
Pops did not put me here to be
some generic-ass prince
365
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,969
in a Dave Chappelle sketch gone bad.
366
00:16:17,970 --> 00:16:19,469
Okay, well, you're gonna
lose your friends
367
00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:20,709
a lot of money, buddy.
368
00:16:20,710 --> 00:16:22,839
Man [BLEEP] your money, Osterfawk.
369
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,740
- Jesus, just listen...
- Oh, come on...
370
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,309
Jesus... You lettin' your robe.
371
00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:30,249
- Jes... can I just...
- Jesus! Please!
372
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,789
- Gosh.
- So, hey, check it out.
373
00:16:32,790 --> 00:16:35,019
I think I know a way
to chill dude out.
374
00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:37,689
Hey, man. Good luck
and God bless with all this.
375
00:16:37,690 --> 00:16:39,129
I'm out.
376
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:42,399
I know that smell.
377
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,729
That's that world-famous
Ms. Emma's fish.
378
00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:47,830
What's happening, Nessa?
I see you, girl.
379
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,569
Got you one.
380
00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:50,769
'Bout time somebody slid through
381
00:16:50,770 --> 00:16:53,069
with some fine cuisine to this joint.
382
00:16:53,070 --> 00:16:54,409
And look here, Jesus.
383
00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:56,940
I just want to say that we need you.
384
00:16:56,950 --> 00:16:59,309
This whole thing falls
apart if we lose you.
385
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,579
I don't know, Ms. Tudi.
386
00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:02,119
It's getting too ratchet
up in here, man.
387
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,649
It's on me, okay?
Let me try to fix it.
388
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:08,219
You got to fix it by no
crazy makeup, no emasculation.
389
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:09,789
- I'm au naturel, man.
- Done.
390
00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:11,920
And no sexually-exploitative
mud fights.
391
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,529
The ladies got to be respected.
392
00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:17,799
Whatever you want,
that's what happens, okay?
393
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,929
Just, um, give me one second.
394
00:17:19,930 --> 00:17:22,999
I'm gonna tip and pay her,
and then I'll be back.
395
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,900
Get all your money.
396
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:26,739
Damn! A $50?
397
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:28,339
Yeah, maybe more if you say yes.
398
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,509
Are you crazy?
399
00:17:30,510 --> 00:17:32,679
I ain't [BLEEP] your pasty white ass.
400
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,349
- Hey, Jesus.
- Wait, no, no.
401
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,849
Boy, I'm...
402
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:38,449
See, I'll fillet your ass
like them damn catfish.
403
00:17:38,450 --> 00:17:39,719
Nessa, what I want to do
404
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,250
is pay you to be on the show.
405
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,010
All you have to do is ask
Jesus for a miracle.
406
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,029
What miracle?
407
00:17:47,030 --> 00:17:49,259
I can see that you love Jesus,
408
00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:50,860
and that you want
this show to be a success
409
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,469
so that he can spread his good word.
410
00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:54,430
But unfortunately I need a big miracle
411
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,800
to put the show over the top.
412
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,709
Let's all welcome Nessa to our family.
413
00:18:00,710 --> 00:18:02,409
- Whoo!
- Nessa!
414
00:18:02,410 --> 00:18:04,179
Hey. My cousin.
415
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,849
And though I've only known
her for a short time,
416
00:18:06,850 --> 00:18:08,479
I must say that I don't know
417
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,249
that there's anything wrong with her.
418
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:13,389
Nessa, do you have any problems
you would like to deal with?
419
00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:18,720
I mean, I guess...
420
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:22,599
I'd... Like these to be even.
421
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,569
You sure about that?
422
00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:27,199
I'm sure.
423
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,869
Okay. Let's see what pops has to say.
424
00:18:30,870 --> 00:18:32,569
Wait. Wait, stop. Stop.
425
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,639
I... I don't know if I found God,
426
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,909
or maybe I just really
like lopsided titties,
427
00:18:36,910 --> 00:18:39,079
'cause those are dope as hell,
428
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,449
but I heard that little
sleazy producer right there
429
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:42,749
say that if she didn't do this,
430
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:43,980
your show would never get on the air.
431
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:46,119
No. No! That's all wrong.
432
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,289
Sure, I wanted a miracle,
but so did she.
433
00:18:48,290 --> 00:18:52,266
Let's see what pops has to say,
'cause he's the all-knowing.
434
00:18:56,430 --> 00:19:00,430
Good news, Phil. Pops says
that miracle is a go.
435
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,730
Get your money, pimp.
436
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:04,300
Roll on this. Get this shot.
437
00:19:07,310 --> 00:19:09,509
Aah!
438
00:19:09,510 --> 00:19:11,979
What the [BLEEP] is this?!
439
00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:13,449
What is this?
440
00:19:13,450 --> 00:19:17,049
- Oh, yeah!
- Big pasty-ass titties.
441
00:19:17,050 --> 00:19:19,589
Damn! Nice and balanced, too.
442
00:19:19,590 --> 00:19:21,089
What the hell, Jesus?
443
00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:23,920
Pops said you'd get a miracle.
He didn't say what kind.
444
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,189
I-I can't go around like this!
445
00:19:26,190 --> 00:19:27,929
I might be able to
straighten that out.
446
00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:29,459
Just let me holler at pops.
447
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,469
But I'ma need to run this show my way.
448
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,089
And pops wants you to know
that no matter how [BLEEP] up,
449
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:58,220
how triflin',
or how ratchet you may be,
450
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,029
his love is everlasting.
451
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:07,969
Well, there it is, there.
How y'all love that, huh?
452
00:20:07,970 --> 00:20:10,069
Jesus, I think that's
the most boring-ass shit
453
00:20:10,070 --> 00:20:12,100
- I've ever seen.
- Really, Lloyd?
454
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:14,109
You know, all that hate
don't look good on you.
455
00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,679
But I know my man Boonie
know what's happening.
456
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,809
Boonie, what you think
about that, player? Huh?
457
00:20:18,810 --> 00:20:21,510
Oh, he's ecstatic. Can't you tell?
458
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,849
You know what, we was 'bout
to make some paper.
459
00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:25,119
- Huh, 'linka?
- Absolutely.
460
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,719
We was about to stack some cash.
461
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,620
Long money. Right? But, no.
462
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,859
Once again, our lord and savior,
463
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:35,759
Mr. Goody-two-shoes [BLEEP] it up.
464
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,229
- [BLEEP] it up.
- I don't know, Ms. Tudi.
465
00:20:39,230 --> 00:20:42,899
Actually, I might have saved one.
466
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:45,069
You could have saved all!
467
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:57,931
sync and corrections by awaqededwww.addic7ed.com.
35086
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
