All language subtitles for Modern Family.S09E22 - .HDTV.x264-KILLERS

Didn't you
just cut his hair?

Yes, but it's his kindergarten
graduation party today.

Okay, no messy goodbyes,
I'm out of here.

Ay, papi,
I'm going to miss you.

Can you at least stay for the party
that I'm making for Joe?

Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is
paying me

to get her car to Delaware
by Friday at noon.

I already lost an hour
looking for my driving gloves.

You're plowing through the heartlands
in an inchworm-green Camry

with a bumper sticker that says
"Meat is Murder."

I hid these gloves
for a reason.

Listen, uh, we weren't kidding
about you being careful.

And, uh, not to get dramatic,
just keep your wits about you.

Here.

What the hell is that?

It's an air freshener.
What does it look like?

I'm going on
the Martha Stewart

bed-and-breakfast tour of
America,

not an Aboriginal
manhood quest.

I'm not saying
you're gonna need it,

just better safe than sorry.

Slash, don't stab.

Uh...

Stop wiggling.
I'm almost done.

Why'd you gasp?

Ah! My hair is my identity!

*MODERN FAMILY
Season 09 Episode 22

*MODERN FAMILY
Episode Title: "Clash of Swords"

Uh, Cam? Uh, turns out I have to
do that work thing after all.

I'll meet you at Joe's party?

Oh, okay. Cal, come
give your Uncle Mitchell a hug.

Hug!

No. No, no hug.
No... where is he?

Which way is he coming from?
Coming from?

Ahhh!

Cam's sister's son
is staying with us

because, well, you know,
she's back in jail.

But she didn't do anything terrible.
She just didn't understand

the rules of her probation
from last time, when...

When she did something
a little terrible.

But we're taking
baby Cal back to

live with my parents
on the farm.

Which is a good thing
because he's not really a...

a house baby.

No, no, he's freakishly strong
and off the charts

- size-wise.
- On the charts. 99th percentile.

He has two teeth and I've seen
him eat a whole chicken.

Hm mm.

All right, I got to go.

- Wait, where's my hug?
- Aww.

- Hug!
- Go! Go! Save yourself!

Ohh. Yep.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Our costumes are
in the back.

Phil and I are
going to Hero-Con

to indulge in our love
of fantasy fiction.

Um, I-I've always wanted
to go,

but I-it's a little
nerd-forward,

and... I was always afraid
my family would make fun of me.

So I've asked Phil
to keep it between us.

That's why we chose
our secret warrior signal.

My first suggestion
was to blow a Viking horn.

- Don't ever Google that, by the way.
- I already did.

This year, there's a panel,
um, on our favorite show,

"Clash of Swords."

It's got a lot of graphic
violence and female nudity,

but that's part of its appeal

to the fierce warrior inside
every man.

My eyeliner keeps smudging.

Thanks a lot,
gal at the MAC counter.

Who cares? We look great.

Let's do this!

Just remember we left our trusty
steed in section 22B.

I can't do it, Phil.

Oh, okay.
I can write it down.

No, no. I-I-I thought
I was ready, but I'm not.

I'm not. I-I've fantasized
so long about coming,

and now that...
that we're here, I am...

I'm mortified, okay?
I'm a 40-year-old man.

No, you're not.

You're a 390-year-old
Highland Norph.

And you're walking in
with a lifer.

This baby... gets us all-access
and two free yards of mead.

Through those doors
lies your destiny.

What's the Galderean word
for "bravery"?

Lochtani.

- Again!
- Lochtani.

Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!

Have you seen Margaret?

I need her to clear my day.

I just found out you can get
the Golf Channel online.

Nope,
she's out sick again.

Oh, Dad, don't forget
we're about to meet with

those guys
from that start-up.

Oh, right,
aspiring closeteers

seeking advice
from an industry legend.

Yeah, just skip that part of
your speech where you say

- "I didn't choose closets..."
- They chose me!

- Hey...
- Oh.

We didn't know where
to hang up our puffer vests,

so we just dropped them
on some rando's desk.

Hi. You must be the guys
from EzraVision.

Yes, I am Nick.
And these are my guys.

Jay Pritchett, obviously.

Fellas, take a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.

Which one is gonna be holding
the tape recorder?

You know what? Why don't we just
make this quick?

We actually have to go hang out
in a bike shop

that only plays Drake.

So here's our offer,
best and final.

Offer for what?

For your company.

We want to buy you out.

I'm sorry, we thought
that you were here to just,

you know, get information.

Get out of here!

Dad, if you would just
let me speak...

Who do you think you are,

marching in here like
a bunch of hotshots?

And why is nobody
wearing socks?!

Ooh, lower the B.P., O.G.

We're actually trying to do you
a favor.

Okay, I think you have
this twisted.

This company has been around
since before you all were born.

Except for maybe him.
How is he part of this?

This guy?

That's our over
40 diversity hire.

- Ah.
- Listen,

we have developed
smart-closet technology

that's gonna make
places like this obsolete.

We are giving you a chance

to get out
while you're still ahead.

Speaking of which...
Get out of here!

Okay. Offer's good
for 48 hours.

Two get out of heres?

You believe these punks?

I mean, what was with
all this eye contact?

In my day, nerds had the decency
to stare at their shoes!

Their website looks legitimate.

I mean, they've got
some pretty great clients.

Wait a second, is that Margaret?

She's working there.
They must have poached her.

Brainwashed her, is what they did.
Margaret is very vulnerable.

I've had to rescue her
a bunch of times

from cults and
an Amway pyramid.

Come on.
Let's get our girl back!

You were all the way
out of the Grand Canyon

before you realized
no one was on my donkey.

But, sure,
let's go save Margaret.

Oh, wow!

Mom, my dinosaur party
looks amazing!

But we're in that room.

Somebody must've done another
dinosaur party right next to us.

Gloria?

Doctor Donna Duncan.

You remember
my stepson, Digby.

He prefers
nonverbal communication.

This is your party?

You see, I saw that
you had signed up

to throw a party
for Miss Jessica's class,

so I thought I'd throw
a little party for Miss Elaine.

It belches fire and then shoots
candy all over the room.

Hey, girl, hey!

- I'm not going on your road trip.
- What?

Luke told me that
you've been hounding

him because you don't want to
drive cross-country alone.

Oh, I'm just trying
to do you a favor.

You're going
to a conference in Memphis.

It's only 12 hours
out of my way.

Hey, no need to be afraid.

Afraid?

Manny, I'm a pretty girl
who wears low-cut tops.

I know what a scared
19-year-old boy looks like.

Dude, you brought a pan flute
to the fifth grade.

You serenade girls who are
way out of your league.

You're a baller. You got this.

Thanks.

Anytime.

Manny. Manny, this is kidnapping.

- Wow, this office is huge.
- Just placed it.

This used to be
Schweinberg's department store.

Wall of TVs over there.

I almost knocked down
the display of fondue pots

when I saw they were letting
Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Uh! Look who's here!

You are not gonna regret
taking our offer.

Let's celebrate.

We're not here to sell.
We're here to bring Margaret home.

Who's Margaret?

Margie!

Margie-Marge!

How did they get you?

Are you still wandering around
alone in pet stores?

I've told you, that's the kind
of person these cults target!

I like it here.

They have one of those machines
that makes every kind of soda.

But you're diabetic.
And a grown-up.

You know, since you're here, why
don't I show you the new model?

Come here. Come over here.

Come here.
This is the EzraVision Elitist.

- Ohhh.
- Stand right over there.

Face forward.

Good afternoon, Ezra.

Good afternoon.
How may I help you?

- Who is that?
- Ezra, full body scan.

- Here we go.
- Scan complete. Searching wardrobe.

Based on today's weather forecast,
here's your optimal outfit.

Check the label.

- Just my size.
- Yes, it is.

See, this is the future of
closets...

automated, intelligent...

That's what they said about
the "mood closet" in the '70s,

- and I buried them.
- Very cranky.

Yes, but he has earned
the right to be cranky,

because my father is a giant
in this industry,

and he had to skip his ice-cream
sandwich today to come here.

Nick, it's time for laser tag.

Yes! You know what?

No matter how it shakes out,
you can keep the pants.

Those are on me. Let's go!

- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Hang on, Dad. I...

I don't like these dorks
any more than you do,

but they might be
onto something.

What are you saying?
You want to sell?

No, I was thinking
more of a merger.

I did some digging,

and they are two years behind
on production.

They need our manufacturing,

and frankly,
we need their technology.

Nope, not gonna happen.
End of conversation.

Really? Oh.

I-I'm having a business discussion.

I am not negotiating
a new bedtime.

I'm not taking on
an outside partner.

Oh, I get it, 'cause you're not
very good with partners.

I mean, you put me in charge,
like, nine times,

but if it's an important decision,
I should just shut up.

Well, I can't help it

if I have a sixth sense
about this business.

Closets chose me!

Oh, my gosh! Hey!

It's going great over there, huh?

What's this?
Are these kids in trouble?

That's a different,
fancier party than this.

The only fun thing I have is
that pyramid made out of...

Ay, Cam, look what
your giant baby nephew did!

Yeah, but you know,
it's not his fault.

He's three times the size
of a child his age.

And you know what,
some Tucker boys

have a young growth spurt
that's no picnic.

I had to go to court
to play Little League.

Cameron, sweetie!

I thought I heard your voice

cutting through the joyless
silence of this...

I want to say party,

but I'm afraid
it will sound sarcastic.

You guys are friends?

Uh, well, we go to
the same blowout parlor, yeah.

Wait a minute, did you
pay for my Belizian blowout

just so I would shout
the details of Gloria's party

so you could outdo her?

Oh, look at you
catching on.

Kids, sorry to wake you.

But I'm gonna leave these
wristbands here

in case any of you want to
come ride our roller coaster.

The mechanical kind,

not the emotional one
you've been on

since you came through
these doors.

Get out of here!

Not you, not you, not you.

Oh, God, this is worse
than I thought.

There are so many eyes
on me.

I mean, yes, sure,

less because of all
the cyclopses, but still.

You can do this.
Elf up.

My two favorite Rhine maidens!
Linda! Karen!

Sold them a duplex.

Sweet home Alduzzarna,

it's The Foolmaker from
"Clash of Swords" season five!

I'm only on season three.
I feel lost. Help me.

Oh, okay.
During the Feast of Figs,

the Forest Prince
banished Migolaf the Wanderer

to the outer reaches
of The Forsaken Realm.

Migolaf waylaid
the Iguodalan Dwarves

and cursed the high cleric to
an eternity of feeble-mindedness

using the mighty scepter
known as...

The Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.

- H'oww!
- Ooh, careful! Careful!

Oh, boy. Okay.

Good thing
it's not the real one

or I'd be cursed to
spend the rest of my days

as a bumbling idiot.

Aw, are you gonna have
a little porridge maiden

or a little warrior?

I'm not pregnant, dipwad.

Phil, why would you say that?!

I don't know,
it just came out.

I mean, The Foolmaker...

You're not cursed, okay?
It's a prop. It's not real.

All right.
The panel's this way.

Hey, man. Sick scale armor!

Oh, really? You think so?
It's not too much with the cape?

I wanted something that would
go from feast to battle.

- Crushed it.
- Yes!

Oh, we're about to take our
annual Norph group photo.

- You coming?
- Yes, yes!

Phil, we're taking a pic...

Oh, I'm sorry.
I lost my friend.

Hey, most of us come alone.
You don't have to pretend.

I... Th...

Oh, great,
the Q&A's just starting.

Mitch?

That's a very,
very good question...

- Mitchell?
- And the answer to that is...

Scary ogre teeth.
Where'd you get those?

I'm guessing my birth parents.

I'm so sorry.

Why can't I just shut up?

Sorry, was I going on too long?

I didn't...

You're Joel L.L. Logan.

What's your question, friend?

- Oh, uh...
- Don't be shy.

I may have created this kingdom,

but we're all fellow heirs to it.
Isn't that right?

In that case, Mr. Logan...

Uh, I read on a fan page

there's gonna be a Mozgovian
uprising in the season finale

that'll wipe out
the entire ruling class,

including the gruesome beheading
of Adebayo the Righteous.

Um...

Wait, a-are you...
are you gonna kill Adebayo?

What? No, no.

Who's... Who... Who's Adebayo?

Oh, dear lord. It is true.

You fool!
Why would you ask him that?!

- I'm sorry.
- We all stay off of spoiler sites

- for a reason!
- Of course.

This show is the only thing
I've got going on and you ruined it!

Ohh! Ow!

They let you bring your spheres?!

They took away my tweezers!

Manny?

This is the check Mrs. Nussbaum gave me
to drive her car to Delaware.

It's yours if you come with me.

- Okay.
- Wait, what?

Well, Haley already warned me
you'd be asking

and I thought, "Sure."

My favorite research institute
is on the way.

And I could bring my windsock
and barometer

for that new weather modeling
project I've been noodling with.

Huh.

I couldn't help noticing a lot
of loose hairs on your pillow

and a stack of
fully completed Sudoku books.

Weren't you supposed to be
taking it easy this summer?

No school,
no projects...

Yeah,
I'm loving it.

What are the chances
I open your dresser

and find a calendar
with three X'd out days

and a giant red circle around
the date school starts again?

You don't know me.

Look, you're facing a challenge
that scares you,

but you know in your heart
you need to take it on.

Because it'll help you grow

and become a stronger,
more balanced person.

Ugh.

Of course I know you're right,
but it's hard!

People are out there
discovering planets,

and I'm in here doing
BuzzFeed quizzes.

Like if I were to be a Beatle,
who would I be?

I'd be Ringo.
Who cares, Manny?!

Manny?

Whoo-hoo!

I may have lost Phil,
but I found my people.

And the choreography was
a snap.

It's basically a river dance,
uh, crossed with the hora.

I bring news
from the Catalina Room!

A dark shadow has fallen
upon the kingdom.

The Gods will not be
pleased by this...

Just get to it, Gary!

Some dingus
just spoiled the finale!

This shall not go unpunished!

Let's get him!

Where have you been?
I've been waiting forever.

I was angry.
I needed to take a walk

so I could forget
how pigheaded you can be.

You want to take another lap?

Dad,
I am right about this.

Eventually Nick is gonna figure
out how to keep up with demand,

and then where are we gonna be?

I know your style has
always been just tough it out

and...
and beat back every threat...

That's not it, Claire. You're right.
We can't beat these guys.

A merger's the only long-term play.

I just don't know
who I am in there.

What?

They're all 25,
zippin' around on their...

The hoverboards?

What's that make me,
the cute old guy?

The mascot?

"Old man Pritchett's
in the men's room.

Let's go watch him cuss out
the automatic faucets again."

Aw, Dad.

I can't promise that

you wouldn't feel old
in that building,

but from the outside looking in,

I mean, you're the guy

who's holding his own
with kids a third his age.

That makes you like the...
the Tony Bennett of closets.

I told you I took an elevator
with him in Rome, right?

Yeah, you did.
And you know what,

in that building
there's a bunch of people

who have never heard
that story.

Did he have a Chihuahua
with him?

- A mink.
- A mink?

- A live mink.
- Yeah.

- All class.
- Yeah.

It's just a little intimidating.

You don't think
they're gonna be scared of you?

Come on. Dad,
look at them.

I don't care what ironic T-shirt
their closets pick out for them.

Underneath,
they're still nerds.

Yeah, this might be okay.

I want to see him.
Let me through, let me through!

You're the spoiler?

I didn't do it on purpose!
It was The Foolmaker!

The scepter is a prop, okay?
It's just the power of suggestion.

Mitchell, they want to take away
my all-access pass.

- You've got to help me.
- You know this scoundrel?

Uh, yeah, I think our kids
go to school with one...

- Mitchell!
- Okay yes, yes... yes, I know him.

- I know him!
- They're monsters.

They've been pelting me with
Chobani flail spheres.

Wait... Ch-Chobani,
like the yoghurt?

The show took on corporate
sponsors in season four.

Oh.

Seriously, Gary?
I helped you build a deck!

Okay, stop, stop it!
What are we doing, huh?

Is this how Norphs behave?

Actually, we're quite war-like.

Okay, well...

Look, look, this man,
he made a mistake,

but if we banish him,

we're no better than the people
who shamed us all these years,

who... who picked us last
for team sports,

who left us off of group e-mails
about bar association dances.

We're all oddballs and misfits
and weirdos,

but the great thing about
this place is we all belong,

especially this good man,

who gave me the courage
to conquer my fear

and become
part of this community.

Let's welcome him back.

The red one, Gary!

Where is that dinosaur?

I certainly hope I don't

accidentally turn off the lights.

Oh! As a gay man, I know
every party planner in town.

So I sent out a group text,
and as luck would have it,

my friend Ronaldo was wrapping
up a kid's Peter Pan party.

And I said,
"Send me whatever you got."

I think I hear some music!

♪ Where my Lost Boys at?! ♪

What the hell is this?!

You said you were at
a kid's Peter Pan party?

No, no, no.
I said, "Kit's Peter Pan party."

It's his 11th time turning 50.

Close your eyes!
No! Don't look at that!

Please, I'm so sorry!

Enough! Enough!

Everybody out! Even the kids!

I can't fight this anymore.
Go to the nice party!

Just follow the fairy!

She meant me. Everybody calm down.

Thank you so much for today.

I-I never would've gone
through with it

if you hadn't inspired me.

- I inspired you?
- Mm.

Wait.

In book the third,
the high cleric

overcomes
the curse of the Foolmaker

by being pure of heart

and goes on to be
a great inspirer of people.

Do you think...

You seem glum.

Perhaps you should be
turning your passions elsewhere.

You're right.
I'm going back to vet school.

It's about time
I grew up.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It's okay. I'm not mad.

What happened to the party?

Cam ruined it two ways.

I just wanted a nice party
for Joe.

There's only so long

that you can make things
perfect for them.

Suddenly, they move on.

They wake up one morning

and they want to drive
a cross-country all alone.

Oh, right, Manny.

I know you're scared,
but your should feel proud.

You took kind of a...

You can say it... a weird kid.

A weird kid,
and turned him into somebody

so comfortable with himself

that he's... willing to take on
a pretty big adventure.

Thank you, Cam.

I wish I had that.

I mean, I was a weird kid

whose family only
made him feel weirder.

I mean, it took until today
to do an adventure

that I have wanted to do
since I was Manny's age.

I-I went to Hero-Con.

Not in costume?

Affirmative, Fizbo.

Okay, if this is something you're into,
why haven't you ever told me?

I haven't told anyone.
I mean, I tried with my mom once,

but I chickened out
and told her I was gay instead.

And I-I wasn't
even sure at that point.

Why are there so many ways
for a parent to break a kid?

Ugh.

Hug!

No, no, no!

- Oh.
- Oh.

Aw, you know, it makes me
worried for this little guy.

I love my parents,

but they weren't exactly
the best when I was...

when I was this.

Go play.

Mitchell, I'm, uh, proud of
the risk you took today

following your heart.

You should do more of that.

Cam,
should Cal live with us?

He should.

- Yeah.
- Very well.

Sorry we're late.
Traffic, you know.

I keep telling you
to try Waze,

but you're scared of technology,
and you shouldn't be.

We're merging Pritchett's with
a high-tech closet company.

Excellent.

And, Gloria, you speak often of
your passion for ventriloquism.

It's been a long day, Phil.

This one needs more time.

Notes from the road.

Alternate title,
The United States of me.

Fear... Friend or Foe?

As children, we're taught
to fear what can hurt us.

But as adults, we're expected
to conquer what we're afraid of.

So what are fears?

Do they keep us alive?

Or do they keep us from living?

Hey!

You're blocking the driveway.
Hit the road already.

Okay, I'm going.

Jay, hurry up, we want to go home.

I can't get this damn thing to work!

Oh, no, is it one of those
automatic sinks?

You know what?
He should do a hard reboot.

- Go back to the urinal and reapproach.
- What's going on in there?

I can't even get a
trickle out of this thing!

Oh, I find that thinking about it helps.

It's the sink.

It makes no sense that
I'm waving my arms

like I'm directing
a plane into a gate!

He's gonna break it

like he broke
the remote control.

Let's just go, the paper towels thing
is automatic too.

Oh, Dad...