All language subtitles for Lloyd Kaufman & Michael Herz - Sgt. Kabukiman

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Venerable ancestors, 1000 years
ago the Evil One was driven

from the face of the globe.

As we then foretold,
there would come a time

when evil, corruption, and
perversion would rise again,

and the Evil One would be able to return.

That time is now.

At the end of Mercury's next journey,

the dragon shall dance
through the hoop of Jupiter.

If at that moment, the
monkey will ride the jaguar,

and the tiger will feast on the nubile,

the order of the universe will
be such that the Evil One will

reign supreme for eternity.

There is only one being who
can confront the Evil One.

The Chosen One is on his way to us now.

I'm gonna kill you!

Hey!

YUPPIE: A 560SL!

Outrageous!

Arthur, when did you get it?

Hey, this baby was my commission

on that Stuart Pandex takeover.

You were in on Stuart Pandex?

You lucky bastard.

Hey, luck had nothing to do with it.

My cleaning lady's nephew's son
works for Reginald Stuart.

I knew about that deal six months ago.

Hey!

Inside information, that's illegal.

And this, my friend, is
a Mercedes convertible.

And it's all mine!

Ha ha!

MAN: Ichiro!

Bye-bye, Kabukiman.

It looks like you and
your family are through!

You can kill me, but you can't
the spirit of Kabukiman.

Your husband, Ichiro, can't
make it to his performance

tonight, sweetheart.

Too bad because you're going
to be the hit on Broadway!

YUPPIE: I'm telling you,
man, with these wheels

the babes are going to
be falling all over you.

[ARTHUR GROANS]

Huh?

BYSTANDER: Oh, my!

BYSTANDER 2: Dear me!

What happened?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here you go, buddy.

Get yourself a cup of coffee.

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
Griswold's the name.

Thank you!

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
Sergeant Harry Griswold, NYPD.

This city can take its toll on some.

Don't get me wrong, there
are a lot of nice qualities

about this town.

And some not so nice.

I was following up on a lead to
what some might consider just

another New York City massacre.

Pretty woman thrown out
of a high-rise window,

her Japanese husband disemboweled,

and their two kids turned
into shredded wheat.

I was supposed to be having dinner

with a friend and coworker, Connie LaRosa,

and looking forward to it.

Instead, I stopped at my
favorite sidewalk cafe

for a quick bite, and was
on my way to some kind

of amateur kabuki performance.

BRIAN: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to "Lifestyles of
the Wealthy and Well-Known."

Today, we are in a glamorous
New York City theater

where just about to begin
is a special performance

of the first Manhattan
kabuki players adaptation

of "The Kabuki Couples."

Tonight, we are fortunate to
focus our spotlight of glamor

on Mr. Reginald Stuart,
New York billionaire

businessman and philanthropist.

Good evening, Mr. Stuart.

Good evening, Brian.

It's a great pleasure
to be with you tonight.

Your Stuart Foundation provided the funding

for tonight's performance.

That's right we did.

At the Stuart Pandex Corporation we

believe that corporate
funding is the best way

to bring culture to the masses.

The reason we've sponsored this
particular kabuki performance

is that I myself have been personally

interested for a long time in the work

of Mr. Sato and his family, who have

trained this amateur troupe.

MAN: Five minutes to curtain, Mr. Sato.

My revered elder stands
ready to pass the gift

and raise the spirit of Kabukiman.

He will now consume the banquet of joining.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): My
boss, Captain Bender, told me

the Japanese entertain themselves

by going to the kabuki theater.

It's a tradition that's been
going on for hundreds of years.

The men dress up like
women and do some kind

of poses in slow motion.

And make some kind of weird noises.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

What I did know was that I
had missed another date

with Connie LaRosa.

Grandfather, I grow nervous.

The performance has already begun

and the Chosen One has not yet arrived.

If he's not here to receive the gift

when the moon hangs in
the eye of the squid,

what shall transpire?

Hey, Oscar-san, you must have some hand.

If something has befallen Ichiro,

will you pass the ancient
kabuki powers to me?

But Grandfather!

[APPLAUSE]

MAN 1: Hey, Felix-san,
this place is a real mess.

MAN 2: Why do you guys
always make such a mess?

Eat, eat, eat.

Drink, drink, drink.

It's all you ever do.

MAN 1: Stop complaining.

Shh!

MAN 1: Hey, stop it!

Cut that out, Felix-san.

MAN 2: Do something,
Oscar-san, do something.

No!

No!

This is great, huh?

A lot better than I expected.

Everybody freeze!

Police!

Get out of the way!

Move it!

BRIAN: Oh my god, I don't
believe what I'm seeing!

The performers are being mowed down

by cheaply-dressed thugs brandishing

expensive, custom-made automatic weapons!

Ah!

Bullets fly and rip my flesh.

Even I am not immune to
the dazzling gun play

as I could very well be cut in half.

It's truly mind numbing.

More fabulous in its scope
than-- than even the fabulous

[INAUDIBLE] princess.

Shoot her.

Go ahead, shoot her.

What are you doing?

I think I just saved your life, miss.

Remove yourself from my
body, you filthy oaf!

You're welcome.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Hey!

Knock it off!

Let's get out of here!

[INAUDIBLE]

[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]

We're supposed to be having fun here!

Whoa!

I'm on the case.

That's enough.

It's something crazy!

OK.

I'm wearing a dress.

First I'm kissed by a guy,
now I'm wearing a dress.

Fine.

Frank, take couple of notes here.

How did it feel watching
your grandfather being

mowed down by machine guns?

Police!

Freeze!

Now, could you ladies-- uh, you guys

tell me exactly what happened?

Well, when the bullets started
flying I hit the floor.

Yeah, it was like something
out of the movies!

You know what I mean? -Any numbers?

Did you see anything?
-There were five of them.

There were twelve!

There were five!

BOTH: We don't want to get involved.

Freeze!

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
That was the kind

of boss is Captain Bender was.

Always around when things were going wrong.

I know this is a hard and
trying time for you,

but what did you think when you saw

rivulets of blood flowing down
his beautiful kabuki costume?

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): I
had to admit I felt pretty

silly wearing a kabuki dress.

And my fellow officers being
there only made matters worse.

[CAR ALARM GOES OFF]

REGINALD STUART: Rembrandt,
what could possibly

have been running through your mind

when you decided to shoot
up an entire theater?

We've almost achieved all our goals.

There's no reason to draw
attention to our operation now.

Now I'm going to have to get involved

and wipe all your little asses.

Yes?

SECRETARY (ON INTERCOM): Reverend

Snipes is here to see you, sir.

Snipes is here.

Send him in.

Reverend Snipes, so good to see you.

What brings you here at
such an ungodly hour?

Who are you kidding, Reggie?

We got business to discuss.

Oh, have we?

You bet your corporate butt we do.

Your little contributions
to my youth center

just aren't going as far as they used

to, if you know what I mean.

I got expenses, and an overhead
like you wouldn't believe.

And I have no intentions of running

a non-profit organization.

So, what is your point, Reverend?

I tell my people to stop patronizing

some of your businesses,
like that fast food chain.

And you'll feel that power
give you a good, hard kick

in that fat wallet of yours.

I also got a certain female
police detective who's

been on my ass lately, and I'm
sure you wouldn't want any word

leaking out about your long-term
financial involvement

in my organization.

You catch my meaning?

I think so.

SECRETARY: Sir.

You can't go in there, sir.

I go where I please!

You can't!

Uncle Reggie, sorry for barging
in, but we've got to talk.

Excuse me, Reverend, this
will only take a second.

What is it, Skipper?

I thought we had an agreement here.

I thought we had a relationship.

I was going to take the wrap
for that shit at the theater,

you were going to get me
off and make me a vice

president with a corner office.

No jail.

No conviction.

Nothing.

Just a couple of mug shots and
a statement, and that's it.

That was our understanding.

But I just spent the past
four hours down in the can

with some real criminals
waiting for your guy

to come bail me the hell out!

Do you know what it's like to be violated

by a 300-pound Filipino
skinhead named Gunther?

It ain't no picnic!

Ah, Skipper, Skipper, calm down, boy.

I guarantee you'll never
spend another night in jail.

Use the magazine!

He's getting blood all over my new carpet!

You always wanted to be on the
cover the "Financial Week,"

Skippy.

Here's your shot.

You look great!

Now let's see, where were we?

Ah, yes.

You were threatening me.

You're nothing but a third-rate
con man, Reverend Snipes.

But I have a need for you.

That is, if you think
you can play hardball.

Are you ready for the
major leagues, Reverend?

Good.

There's a lot of tension in the city now,

and I want you to keep the flame on high.

When it starts to boil over, I'll

be there to arm the revolution.

And when it gets out of control, I'll be

there to restore order again.

And then, Reverend, then
you'll see real power.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Kabukiman.

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
When I showed up at the station

house the next day, I knew the boys would

be making jokes at my expense.

This is what's known as an erect nipple.

Hey, Harry, where's your pretty dress?

Your mother wanted it back.

Yeah, right.

Hey, it's Madam Butterfly.

Do you want some milk, Harry?

LaRosa.

Hey, Connie.

You know, this whole thing has been

blown way out of proportion.

Sure, sure, Harry.

You're going to be all right.

Listen, Connie, what do you say we

try for dinner again tonight?

I don't know what it is,
but I hate to say it,

I have this craving for Japanese food.

[INAUDIBLE]

What do you say, Connie?

I'd like to, Harry, but I
got to be in court tonight.

Hey, look, I usually go jogging after work,

you want to join me?

No.

Running?

I'll be wearing my new
spandex jogging shorts.

I was just saying to myself I
should get some more exercise.

Spandex?

Forget it, Harry.

You don't have the legs for spandex.

Besides, Bender wants to
see you in his office.

Now!

Do you come to this jail often?

Oh, I'm a steady patron here!

Yes!

Commissioner, look, I understand that.

Look, I'll do it.

Damn!

You're busy, I'll come back.

Griswold, sit down.

Now about last night here--

OK.

OK.

I can explain.

First of all, it wasn't a dress
I was wearing, it was a kimono.

I don't want to know!

I just wanted to tell
you that while you were

playing geisha girl, Reginald Stuart's

security men captured the perp.

What?

You heard me.

Some cracked out wacko did it.

Seems he had it in for Japanese every

since he got fired for using
drugs at a Toyota plant.

I was there there.

There were at least five guys shooting.

Yeah.

The other men were Stuart security men.

And, by the way, you shot four of them!

Fortunately, they're OK.

Reginald Stuart advised them not to press

any charges against you, but you owe

your ass to Reginald Stuart!

There is no way those guys were security!

They-- they were shooting at the actors!

They were shooting at me!

Harry, you're not fucking listening to me!

Look, we got the guy who
shot up the theater.

I got eye witnesses who ID'd him.

I got signed, notarized statements.

And I got a confession.

Case closed.

Who's this?

That's the perp.

You see, I told you.

That's not the guy!

BENDER: Harry, you don't get it, do you?

That's it.

The case is closed.

Look, I'm happy.

The Commissioner is happy.

The Mayor is happy.

And Reginald Stuart is happy.

And there's one other loose end.

There's a woman waiting for you
in the interrogation room.

She says she was at the theater last night.

The old man who was killed
was her grandfather.

Find out what she wants, and
give her the good news.

But--

But nothing!

That's it.

The case is closed!

You have a very important new assignment,

the Goldberg dry cleaning case.

I'm taking Joseph off, and
I'm putting you on it.

Goldberg dry cleaners?

Those three stupid, stolen shirts?

It's four!

And they're my stupid, stolen shirts!

Now get to it!

This is the part where you leave, Griswold.

Holy cow, Dick!

She's leaking!

What?

Is it Felicia the Flasher?

[PHONE RINGS]

Sergeant Griswold, I do not have

much time, so I'll be brief.

A regrettable twist of fate has chosen you

as a recipient of amazing
supermortal powers that

have been passed down through
generations of kabuki actors

in my family.

Please, consume the Banquet of Joining

in honor of your benefactors.

What?

Eat!

All right, that's it.

I am outta here!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I get it.

This is a joke, right?

This is no joke, Detective!

The changes in you have already begun.

I saw the markings on
your face at the theater.

Look at how you are dressed now!

The spirit of Kabukiman lives within you.

Eat!

Ugh.

Ick.

Look, miss.

Oh.

Please.

Uh.

I'm sorry about what
happened, and I know you've

suffered a terrible loss.

But I have some good news for you,

they caught the guy who
killed your grandfather.

You fool!

They do not have the one responsible

for my grandfather's death.

Why do you say that?

Because my grandfather
was not killed by a man.

His death was orchestrated by
the spirit of the Evil One.

Evil On-- spirits?

Come on now, you're a full
grown woman, all right?

You just talk to me in normal English!

At the end of Mercury's next journey,

the dragon shall dance
through the hoop of Jupiter.

Jupiter--

If at that moment, the
monkey will ride the jaguar

and the tiger will feast on the nubile,

the order of the universe will
be such that the Evil One will

reign supreme for eternity.

Now, do I make myself perfectly clear?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah.

Fine.

Mhm.

I'll send a squad car over right
away to pick up Mr. Evil.

Now, just one question--
for the big money--

who is the Evil One?

Five seconds.

I do not know!

You're the detective!

Yes!

I am the detective, and
you are a fruit loop!

Do not treat me as an inferior!

I am easily your better.

If only the order of the universe

were not so unfair to womankind, I

would've been chosen to receive the gift

and would not now be dealing with such

a penis-wielding imbecile as yourself!

You will find me when the time is right.

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): I didn't

buy that story the captain
gave me about Reginald

Stuart and his men.

So I decided to go over to his office

and see what Mr. Stuart was up to.

SECRETARY: Shall I say you're in a meeting?

REGINALD STUART: No, uh, let's see

what the little fellow wants.

How you doing, boys?

Oh, oh, hey, I hope I'm not
interrupting something.

I was just--

Not at all.

Please, just come in.

I hope you won't mind if I don't get up.

No.

No, no.

Whatever.

Fine.

Ah.

Not so hard.

That's better.

Ah.

Now, it's, uh, Mr. Oswald, is it?

Sergeant Griswold.

Well, how may I be of service
to you, Detective Griswold?

I understand that your company
financed the Japanese theater

troupe that was attacked last night,

and that your men helped break it up.

Griswold, of course.

You're the officer who shot my employees.

Well, you need not worry,
Detective Griswold,

I've advised them not to
press charges against you.

You were, after all, just
doing your job, weren't you?

Ah, finished.

Great, Amanda.

Absolutely great.

Thank you so much, dear.

They were a little more scuffed
than usual, Mr. Stuart,

but the hard brush took care of it.

REGINALD STUART: Have you ever considered

working in the private
sector, Detective Griswold?

You could afford so many nice things.

I don't need nice things.

Isn't that an authentic Shogun
sword from the Tokugawa Yasin

Shogunate?

Manufactured in Edo in, I'd say, 1638?

Well, yes, as a matter of
fact it is a Tokugawa.

And it was made in Edo.

But how did you know that?

How did I know that?

It's such a beautiful instrument.

So perfectly balanced.

May I?

Please.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Hyah.

Kabukiman-san jo.

Detective Griswold?

Detective Griswold.

Detective Griswold!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I hope that wasn't expensive.

Expensive?

That vase costs just a little bit more

than you're likely to make-- ever.

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): I thought

it was best I left things the way

they were with Reggie Stuart.

Anyway, I had a very important
appointment with Connie LaRosa.

It was my big chance to impress her.

CONNIE LAROSA: Yo, Gris.

Lookin' good!

Come on, I want to see you sweat.

You do this to yourself every day?

No, I usually run 10 miles.

But today, since you're here,
I think we'll only do three.

Besides, we should save
our energy for later.

Later?

Yeah, later.

Connie?

CONNIE LAROSA: Yeah?

I gotta stop now, or I'll die.

Not bad, Gris.

I expected you to boot two laps ago.

You're an animal, LaRosa!

An animal!

I don't know, but if you're
after this Reverend Snipes guy,

I almost pity the poor bastard.

You know all those wonderful youth centers

he's got set up all over town?

Well, it just so happens that
he's using it as a front

for a major drug operation.

And he's got this huge corporation Stuart

Pandex paying for whole thing!

Stuart Pandex?

As in Reginald Stuart?

You know how Snipes passed himself off

as this anti-establishment activist,

like he's some kind of man of
the street, friend of the poor?

Well, it just so happens that
he's a major shareholder

in Stuart Pandex.

And not only that, Harry, he
hasn't paid taxes in years!

Hasn't paid taxes?

He oughta run for mayor.

I got enough to bust this
guy right now, Harry.

I just got to put all the
information together

for Bender.

I'm going to make detective
for this one, Harry!

You deserve it, Connie.

You're a good cop.

You think so, Harry?

You know I do.

Tonight.

Thanks.

I think I'll run a few more laps.

You'll wait here for me?

Knock yourself out.

HARRY GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
What kind of a detective was I?

LaRosa was after Snipes, but
Snipes was going to get LaRosa.

I should have been there for her.

Hey, you!

You!

Haven't I seen you around
Reverend Snipes' youth center?

Snooping around the boys?

The boys just love spandex.

Hey! What's the matter with you?

I was just kidding, sweetheart.

Get off!

Enjoy your spandex!

You just got yourself a whole
bunch of new boyfriends.

Mm!

Hey!

Get the freaking bitch!

Come on, let's go.

Ah!

Get off!

[CONNIE SCREAMING]

Connie!

[CONNIE SCREAMING]

Freeze!

Police!

Ooh!

Hey, this guy's not normal.

What the--?

Ah!

Ow!

What the hell?

Oh!

Kabukiman-san jo.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Ow, shit.

Hey!

Who put that there?

Die!

THUG 1: We're gonna mess you up!

THUG 2: You're dead meat!

Yoohoo!

Ah!

Ah!

Come on, man, let's go.

Come on.

One more time.

Come on.

Stop!

He's innocent!

Stay back!

This is police business!

[INAUDIBLE]

Whoa!

Oh!

You're going down, faggot!

Oh my god!

He's using chopsticks!

Suppose if he used knives and forks!

[BELCHES]

You clumsy, carnival punk!

What are you gonna do to me?

A poor, defenseless woman, huh?

A woman alone!

And, besides, that [INAUDIBLE]
looks ridiculous!

Sounds like my ex-wife.

Oh, here, you want it?

Here you go.

Ooh!

Ooh!

[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]

Connie!

Officer, don't bother taking notes.

Only three people were killed.

But I feel much safer in the park now.

This guy in the bathrobe is a real hero.

A real New York hero, huh?

ALL: Yeah!

Connie!

Oof!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I-- I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have let this happen.

What are you doing here?

Shh!

-Freeze you two! -Don't shoot!

Stop! I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.

I have a badge.

I'm Harry Griswold.

Griswold?

Hey, I heard about this guy
running around with make up on.

All right, Griswold, let
me see your shield.

What the?

Oh.

What-- sorry.

Slowly.

Holy shit.

It is Griswold.

Yeah, that's the guy.

He did it to us.

Shut up, you weenie.

Pig.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): Lotus
and I rode in the ambulance

with LaRosa but the doctors made us leave

and so Lotus and I decided to wait

it out at an Italian
restaurant across the street.

I was depressed, and I was confused,

and I was turning Japanese.

Here's your fish.

What kind of a shmuck orders raw
fish at an Italian restaurant?

I've been craving raw mackerel all day.

I can't believe this.

I'm eating a smelly, dead
fish and I'm loving it.

Are you so blind you cannot
see the changes in yourself?

Detective?

Soon the dragon will dance
through the hoop of Jupiter.

If at that moment the
monkey will ride the Jaguar

and the tiger will feast on the new bile

the order of the universe will
be such that the evil one will

reign Supreme for eternity.

There are only a few days left.

Oh, oh, my.

And I haven't even started shopping yet.

The chosen one who was killed
to train for 25 years.

If we do not begin to try
and master your powers

there will be no champion
to oppose the evil one.

Champion?

What is this champion stuff?

I'm sorry they didn't have the champion

course at the police academy.

I'm just a gun and badge man.

You do not have a choice in the matter.

Fate has selected you.

You are the Kabukiman.

It is your duty.

TV ANCHOR (ON TV): A New
York City police woman

was brutally raped and
beaten in the Central

Park wildling incident.

We now take you live to Reverend Snipes,

outspoken community leader.

What is it?

I'm an angry man tonight.

And I hope I'm not alone in my anger.

When mere children are persecuted

for youthful indiscretions
as though they are hardened

criminals, it makes me angry.

The media circus that's been generated

by this minor incident makes me angry.

You know, and I know, that
your television cameras

and your newspaper reporters
would be nowhere in sight

if those involved had been the children

of privilege instead of these
innocent victims of poverty.

Why do we have out the deadly
transvestite, detective?

The sadist that will strike back.

Publicity hungry, jackass.

He's more trouble than he's worth.

I never should have given
him the assignment.

I told you to let me handle it.

You were right.

Rembrandt's always right.

Rembrandt, I want you
to insert yourself much

more deeply into the situation.

That policewoman does not
live through the night.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Rembrandt, this time be
a little less artistic.

Just make it look like
a simple accident, OK?

REMBRANDT: Gee, officer
LaRosa, It's such a shame

that the hospitals going
to make a slight mistake

with your dosage.

Goodbye, officer LaRosa.

Well excuse me, doctor.

You're too important to
speak to a lowly nurse.

Boy , that burns me down.

Well, dear, it's time for you aspirin.

Gee, I guess you're not doing
as well as I thought you were.

My goodness, that's a lot of
morphine the doctor prescribed.

Oh well, doctor knows best.

[LAROSA PROTESTING]

Yes, dear, I know you're in a lot of pain.

But you're going to be
all right in a minute.

NURSE (OVER INTERCOM): Doctor Hotch?

Attention doctors, tickets
to the medicaid ball

go on sale Tuesday.

Holy shit.

NURSE (OVER INTERCOM):
Come blue, trauma team.

Room 232. -LaRosa?

LaRosa's room, where is it?

No visitors.

What do you mean no visitors?

Wait a minute.

NURSE: It wasn't my fault.
I was watching TV

and then they just came in
and I picked up the job.

You were supposed to give her aspirin.

Look what you did to here.

I did what I was supposed to do.

You killed her.

I was watching TV, I picked up the chart.

She had a headache. Now she's dead.

-There was adjustments. -What happened?

NURSE: And then I just followed orders.

DOCTOR: You're going to be in big trouble.

This is going to go on
your permanent record.

NURSE: Oh no, don't let it ruin my career.

It was an accident.

NURSE 2: I'm sorry, sir.

Connie?

I'm telling you, Dick.

LaRosa was murdered.

She was murdered.

I saw him in the hospital.

The same guy I saw shoot up the theater.

And I told you, Griswold,
the theater case is closed.

Come on, Dick.

Wake up.

Something stinks here.

All right, first this Reginald
Stewart guy just hands us

this supposed theater killer.

Then Reverend Snipes, who
LaRosa was investigating,

bails out the gang that attacked LaRosa.

And then the hospital
just happens to mix up

LaRosa's charts and kills her?

I'm telling you, Dick.

The guy who shot the theater
is the guy who killed LaRosa.

And somehow Stuart and Snipes are involved.

Cut the crap, Griswold.

You're not fooling anybody
because you stuck

to being a cop instead of dancing

around in your fairy suit none
of this would have happened.

LaRosa's dead because of you, asshole.

DICK: Cut it out.

Cut it out.

Cut it out.

Now look, we're all upset about Connie.

Yesterday the commissioner calls
me to take a bite out of my ass

the size of Brooklyn because one of my men

is running around harassing
Reginald Stewart.

Look I've got newspapers all over my ass

about a vigilante cop.

This is it, Harry.

This is the last warning.

There will be no more make
up, no more of kimonos,

and no more chop sticks.

So you're just going to leave Snipes alone.

Harry?

Harry get the hell out.

Get the hell out.

Get the hell out.

Jesus Christ.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
Something had to be done.

Snipes had to be dealt with.

REVEREND SNIPES: Brothers and sisters.

Brothers and sisters, let me here an amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

Hallelujah.

REVEREND SNIPES: The good Lord
thanks you for your generosity.

CONGREGATION: Preach the word.

Your money will help pay
for the legal defense

of these innocent young victims
of the wealthy elite who

run this city.

Now I'm not going to ask you where

you got all those watches
and jewelry that you so

generously gave to our church.

Boy, this stuff is coming in hot and heavy.

And there's plenty more out there.

Let me hear an amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

We must be strong against
the scourge of crime.

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah.

We must be strong against
the scourge of racists.

But most of all we must be
strong against the scourge

of drugs.

CONGREGATION: Tell the word of God.

Beware the dealers of drugs
for they are everywhere.

Why some of those vultures are
standing across the street

peddling their poison even now.

In fact, one of them is
wearing a big red hat.

Red like the devil.

You can't miss him.

[LAUGHING]

Reverend?

Sergeant Harry Griswold.

I want to ask you some questions.

My people have been harassed
enough by you and your storm

trooper detectives.

I have nothing to say.

Well then I'll talk, because I
think it's pretty damn strange

that these maggots you're defending

attacked a police officer
that was investigating you.

And now she's dead.

How dare you come into my--
I mean, the Lord's house,

and accuse me.

I have more lawyers than
you got fingers, Junior.

Sure you're upset over the accidental death

of a fellow officer.

I understand.

But from what I hear, she
was dressed pretty hot.

Maybe she was in the park looking

for little action, detective.

Ah!

Stay back.

I can't be responsible for
what's going to happen.

Oh, that's it.

[GRUNTING]

Kabuki spirit?

Come on down.

[GROWLING]

Stay back.

He's turning into that guy in
the striped bathrobe again.

Ah!

All right.

[COUGHING]

Nobody move.

Watch him there.

He's crazy.

You bastard!

You killed LaRosa.

Now I'm going to get you.

Don't kill me.

I'll give you anything you want.

I'll give you drugs.

I'll give you women.

I'll give you my season
tickets to the Giants.

What do you want?

I want you!

Quit clowning with us, Asshole.

I'm warning you.

I'll use my chopsticks.

[YELLING]

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

REMBRANDT: Where did the clown go?

Police emergency, kid.

I need to commandeer this vehicle.

Now.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[SCREAMING]

Here.

Shut up and stop punching me.

Come on!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[HORN HONKING]

Oh my!

No!

Lord!

What the hell are you doing, boys?

Hey, what's the matter with you?

[SCREAMING]

Oh, the tricycle.

Unicycle?

This will do.

[SCREAMING]

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

[YELLING]

GRISWOLD: Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Get out of the way.

Get out.

Oh, my God.

Look out.

Oh, my God.

[SCREAMING]

JUGHEAD: Shut up, lady.

He's in the alley.

Cut him off.

Woh!

[SCREAMING]

Kids, cheer up.

Coco the clown will be here any minute.

I payed full price in advance.

I know he's coming.

So cheer up.

Come on, kids.

REMBRANDT: Bring your gun.

MOM: You see this cute, little thing?

Come on now.

Look!

I payed a lot of money for
these noise makers, you guys.

That stupid clown was supposed
to be here a half an hour ago.

I knew I should have used Mr.
Stella the magician.

Look, look, here he comes.

Well at least he's hurrying.

Kids!

Kids, it's clown.

Kids, look.

I hate clowns.

You're going to have some fun.

Nancy Nicerson said that
when you first got here

you would do your act next
to the little birthday girl.

And that you would bring out the
toy and poodle Now I don't--

[GUN SHOTS]

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

GRISWOLD:Happy Birthday!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[GUN SHOTS]

Awesome party!

Where did you get all the guns?

Wait a minute.

I don't have my safety belt on.

Come on with that, you weenie.

Stop!

In the name of the law.

There's a clown on the windshield.

Do something about it.

Woh!

Get rid of him.

We can't see.

Come on.

Swerve.

[YELLING]

Woh!

Get off!

Get rid of him!

Get off!

Good to see you, Captain Bender.

And I hope they catch the bastards

that stole your three shirts.

Well that's four shirts.

But don't worry about it, Herb.

I got my best man on it, Harry Griswold.

Pull it over.

He wants you to pull it over.

You know, pull it over.

Yeah, I'll take care of the bozo.

Woh!

JUGHEAD: He's still there.

Do something.

Oh no!

He's using silly string.

Now we really can't see!

Once again, thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Get him off.

Whoa.

Get him.

I can't see.

Take care.

Have a good day.

[SCREAMING]

REMBRANDT: Look what you
made me do, you weenie.

What did you do to the care, you weenie?

You're the driver.

Cops.

Let's get out of here.

Good thing I had my safety belt on.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[YELLING]

Oh my head.

Oh, God.

What is this?

What the Hell?

Oh, God.

What did you do to me?

Mr. Goldberg?

Detective Harry Griswold.

I need to ask you a few questions

about the shirt robberies.

Now where the shirts in
boxes or on hangers?

Or?

Freeze.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

It's me.

It's me, Harry Griswold.

Harry Griswold?

I know Harry.

I said-- Holy shit.

It is Griswold.

Griswold what the hell are you doing here?

What did you do?

[CRYING]

GRISWOLD: I'm innocent.

I didn't-- I didn't do it.

Nice dissolve, huh?

Harry, you're suspended.

Suspended?

Look, Harry.

Look, I tried to warn you.

[SQUEAKING]

But this clown thing is the last straw.

I've got Snipes pressing
charges against you.

These damn matches.

Thank you.

Let me help you, Captain.

Not to mention a kid who tells
me that you stole his tricycle.

Reginald Stuart is bent out of shape.

The newspapers are using you
to make a laughingstock

of the entire force.

[CHUCKLING]

Turn that damn thing off.

But Snipes?

Forget him.

Harry, forget about Snipes.

Look, you know if it was up to
me I'd give you another chance.

I'd give you another shot.

But the words coming down
from the top this time,

and-- give me your gun
and give me you shield.

Give this thing a chance to cool down, OK?

I'm sorry, Harry.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): OK, so
things had gotten out of hand.

There was only one thing
left to do, go see Lotus.

I figured maybe she could
turn things around for me.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I didn't notice you had a butler.

[SNARLS]

Excuse me?

Howdy.

How are you doing?

Listen, I'm sorry about my behavior before.

You're right.

I do need to learn how to
control whatever this thing

that's happening to me is.

Oh, look, all gone.

Yummy worms.

Tasted just like chicken.

So what's with the monkey?

His name is Toyota.

He was born in the backseat of a 2000 ZT.

I like a dog face monkey
that has an appreciation

for expensive sports cars.

Please remove your shoes and Toyota will

bring you a change of clothing.

TOYOTA: Clothing What size?

[GROWLING]

Please join me in meditation.

Oh, yeah, well all right.

All right.

OK.

Whoa.

Oh!

This is kind of a rush.

Please close your eyes and
concentrate, detective.

Ohm.

(SINGING) She'll be coming
around the mountain

when she comes.

When she comes.

She'll be coming around the
mountain when she comes.

She'll be coming around the mountain

when-- oh, a little foot massage?

Very nice.

You know, your hands feel a little rough.

Sort of like rope.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing.

Hey!

Let me down.

It is important that we
establish an effective teacher

pupil relationship.

If we had more time we could build

the foundations of the relationship

on mutual respect and trust.

As it is, it will be easier
to work with fear and pain.

Hee-Yah!

[YELLING]

What the hell did you do that for?

To get your attention.

Your first lesson will
develop your patience,

concentration, and endurance.

Now I want you to separate the rice

into brown, white, and yellow piles

and then count every grain.

Are you out of you mind?

Cut me down from here right now.

Ee-ha!

[GROANS]

Please begin to separate and
count the rice, detective.

The bamboo can withstand more
blows than your nether regions.

All right. All right.

OK.

OK.

Oh, all right.

one white grain.

[LAUGHING]

GRISWOLD: One yellow grain.

One brown grain.

Two white grain.

Grains of yellow rice.

And 1,846 grains of brown rice.

LOTUS: Very good.

That only took you five hours.

Concentration and focus
are the key to harnessing

your Kabukiman powers.

Now let's see if you can
do it in three hours.

Look, I told you I am aching all over.

I got a headache this big.

I can't imagine why.

My nether regions are
somewhere in South Jersey.

And on top of that you
ruined my appetite for rice.

I'm going home!

But we must complete your training.

Lady, off of me, OK?

Look you're not thrilled
about me being your Kabuki,

whatever, well I'm not that
thrilled about it myself.

I'm afraid you don't understand.

The evil one will soon know
who you are, if he does not

already.

If you are not prepared by
the time the Dragon gets--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the monkey's and the jaguar's will

jump rope and go to brunch.

Could you just once say something

that doesn't sound like you
just flew in from Pluto.

Clearly you have no comprehension

of the scope of your mission.

The evil one never sleeps.

You must be ready for
an attack at any time.

Oh, I'm ready to attack my pillow.

I have tried in vain reason
with you, Japanese style.

Now I must resort to American style Hee-ya!

I'm warning you.

I don't want to have to hit you.

That's it.

I'm sorry. I--

Hi-ya!

The way to a man's brain is
through his nether regions.

You win.

I don't get my jollies
beating up women, you know?

All right, I'll do what you want.

Very well.

Kabuki tradition.

American tradition, one for good luck.

Our revels now our ended.

The time is almost upon us.

Soon there will be no stopping us.

But in the meantime, we
must be very, very careful.

The first thing we must do is to move

everything out of the church.

Now I know this cop, Griswold,
has been suspended,

but I've dealt with his
type many time before.

He will never, never leave us alone.

Griswold must be eliminated.

Everyone associated with
Griswold must be eliminated.

Then, and only then, will
everything be in order.

Only then will we emerge triumphant.

LOTUS: Kabukiman's spiritual powers come

from mastering the haiku's.

GRISWOLD: What's that?

Karate?

LOTUS: No, it's a classical form
of Japanese poetry, you turkey.

Please read the haiku on the first page.

Cherry = on the hill, when
singing to blossoms my soul

is called home.

You will achieve harmony of the body

and mind by mastering the
simple, yet perfect form.

You know, I couldn't help but
notice when we were beating

the crap out of each other that
you have a simple yet perfect

form yourself.

Please, we do not have time flirtation.

The haiku, Harry.

You called me Harry.

Please, the haiku, concentrate.

Cherry tree on hill, wind
singing to the blossoms,

my soul is called home.

Cherry tree on hill, wind
singing to the blossoms,

my soul is called home.

Cherry tree on hill, wind
singing to the blossoms,

my soul is called home.

Cherry tree on hill, wind
singing to the blossoms,

my soul is called home.

Cherry tree on hill,
singing to the blossoms,

my soul is called home.

There you go, buddy.

Get yourself a cup of coffee.

LOTUS: Well done.

Now you must learn to understand
and control your powers.

Look around you.

What do you see?

I see-- I see crime.

I see poverty.

I see evil everywhere.

I see a power elite of corporate money

mongers controlling our brains
and our destiny's while they

dismantle the sacred foundations
of the bill of rights.

(SINGING) Oh, say can you see!

I think we have work to do.

Come on.

Whoa.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): My
pursuit of truth, justice

and the kabuki way had begone.

Tell all you congressman
friends that if they meddle

with the National Endowment for the Arts

they'll have me, Kabukiman, to deal with.

So you pimps and hookers
want to roll in the hay?

Well how about a sushi roll?

Oh, my God!

Isn't it gorgeous? It's lovely.

I can't get enough of it.

Don't touch it.

Ooh, let me play with it.

REMBRANDT: Come on.

Get moving.

The boss wants his stuff moved
to the Steward Pandex stocks

in Tromaville.

You got the lion's cage?

Banana's for the monkey?

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER):
After morning of crime

fighting I like to come
home to a nice lunch

of fresh sea urchin, you know?

Please excuse the mess.

It looks like a bomb hit it.

Lotus?

Lotus?

Are you all right?

That's it.

First LaRosa, now you almost got killed.

You may think I'm a champion of
good for the whole universe,

but this is something that I have to take

care of for me, Harry Griswold.

LOTUS: Harry, watch out!

[LAUGHTER]

[SQUEAKING]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're such a weenie.

Can't you be around me without touching me?

Hello, you weenie.

Stop touching me!

That's the crazy cop dude with chopsticks.

No! No!

No!

Where is Snipes?

Who are you?

I'm Kabukiman.

[PAGER BEEPING]

It's Jughead, he's in trouble.

What has that weenie got himself into?

Watch the truck.

You guys come on.

Smile, you're on Kabuki camera.

JUGHEAD: Oh no.

I guess I am a weenie after all.

It's over, Kabukiman.

I'm sure your fans will
be a little disappointed.

[GUN SHOTS]

It's cocktail hour.

I hope you like Molotov.

Get him!

[GUN SHOTS]

REMBRANDT: The score is two
zip, but you're mine now.

Jump!

GRISWOLD: Jump?

LOTUS: Go ahead.

Jump!

What are you nuts?

What are you afraid of?

Breaking my neck.

Don't be such a sissy.

I'm not a sissy.

I'm scared of heights, all right?

Look Kabukiman has the power to fly.

But a grenade in the stomach?

I'm not so sure.

All right!

Fly slowly.

You do not have your super
hero learners permit yet.

We got winds coming in from the North.

Barometric pressure rising.

Oh, foggy conditions ahead.

So, counselor, by cutting a deal with you

my sleazy client, who
we both know is guilty,

walks away scot-free.

Probably to kill again, but
not in our neighborhood.

[LAUGHTER]

I don't feel very good.

What's wrong?

I've never flown before.

I usually take the train.

Once again we both profit
at society's expense.

[LAUGHTER]

You're not going to be ill, are you?

No, no.

No, no.

Well, counselor, I guess lunch
at the bar association is off.

I guess I had a little too
much sea urchin for lunch.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): Since my
flight prematurely departed.

I thought I'd drop Lotus off
and head back to the church

to pick up another passenger.

Let me see.

I got to pick up my airplane ticket.

I got my passport.

And I'm getting the hell out of here.

GRISWOLD: Going somewhere, Reverend?

Let me go!

Let me go!

Please, let me go!

I'll do anything you want.

Anything!

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy?

Help me!

He's crazy!

Oh, Jesus!

I don't know anything.

Oh, yeah?

See that over there?

It's the beautiful empire state building.

And if I were to drop you over that point

just right you would get a
crash course in proctology.

You don't start talking I'm going

to make yakitori out of you.

Get my point, Snipes?

All right.

All right.

I'll talk.

Reginald Stuart, he's the one you want.

He's the one who got that
lady cop killed, not me.

It was Reginald Stuart.

Snipes confessed everything.

I wish you could have
seen the look on his face

when I had him hanging over
the Empire State Building.

Anyway, I've got it all here on tape.

There's enough here to put him
and Stuart away for life.

LOTUS: That is wonderful.

You have done so well in such a short time.

The evil one must be fearful of you.

It's only because if you.

Without you around my powers are useless.

You are the champion, Harry.

Not I. To you and Kabukiman.

Kabukiman-san jo.

I'll be back.

I'm taking this to the cops.

Whoa.

RADIO: Z Morning Zoo.

ROSS BRITTEN (ON RADIO): Ross
Britten of the zoo crew.

Coach Mike you had a
special astronomy alert?

COACH MIKE (ON RADIO): Yeah, good news

for the star watchers.

Tonight there will be a very
rare celestial occurrence.

The Draconus Hoopus will be
visible for the the first time

in a thousand years.

REMBRANDT: Hey, Mario, turn that
radio off and get your gun.

The boss is coming.

FELICIA: Mr. Stuart we're all ready.

We got the tiger and we haven't fed him.

Just like you said.

We're taking him out for exercise

to make him even hungrier.

REGINALD STUART: Good.

He's good and hungry.

And what have we in this cage?

FELICIA: Now this is the jaguar
and he's been trained to have

a monkey ride on his back.

OK, well now, as for the monkey, we

tried to get a regular
monkey but this lemur

is the only kind of monkey
that can ride side saddle.

REGINALD STUART: Ok. a lemur
is in the monkey family.

And soon the dragon will dance
through the hoop of Jupiter.

Whoa!

I thought I left that open.

Huh?

Honey, I'm home.

Hi, honey.

I missed you.

My hair!

What have you done with Lotus?

By now your new bile,
little friend is being

seasoned for the tiger's feast.

You're getting weaker
without her, Kabukipig.

Faggot super hero.

Your powers are useless
without a woman's love.

All you need is love.

What are you going to do
now, Detective Griswold?

What any good cop would do.

You're not going to shoot me are you?

You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and
will be used against you

in the court of law.

You have the right to an attorney.

Or an undertaker.

Oh, Lotus.

I can't seem to do it without her.

Power?

TOYOTA: Lotus?

Its OK, pal, we'll find Lotus.

TOYOTA: LOTUS.

Oh, you got a suggestion?

[TOYOTA GROWLING]

What do you-- what do you got there?

What?

Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

You sure she's in here?

You better not be sending
me on a wild goose chaise.

This better not be a banana
factory or you're dog meat.

I'm here walking around
with a monkey on my back.

I don't believe this.

All right, we're going in there.

Car!

Yeah, we'll hide here.

FELICIA: Ooh, she's dressed pretty hot.

REGINALD STUART: Is the tiger ready?

FELICIA: Easy boy.

Dinner will be served very soon
, you hungry little tiger.

REGINALD STUART: Bring the new bile.

Soon it will be time.

No!

REGINALD STUART: New bile.

Tie her up.

Tie her up.

That's fine.

Thank you very much.

So Lotus, we meet at last.

And let me say, my dear, that
you are twice as beautiful

as I thought you'd be.

As you know, dear.

Today marks the end of Mercury's journey.

In just a few short moment the dragon will

dance through the hoop of Jupiter,

the monkey will ride the jaguar.

And how does the rest that legend go?

Aw, yes.

The tiger will feast on the new bile.

And let me tell you, dear.

They don't come much
more new bile than you.

You bitch.

You'll get yours.

Hey, Jack, getting ready
for the tiger's feast.

I hear you have been trying
to instruct this detective

Griswold in how to assume the
powers of the great Kabukiman.

It was a nice try, darling.

But Detective Griswold is dead.

That's right.

My Rembrandt never fails.

He is an artist of death.

Toyota, get the gun.

Detective Griswold was nothing
but a clumsy, cheap, low payed

detective in a $9.00 suit.

You know how to use one of these?

Take this with you.

All right.

There's a couple of gorillas out there.

I want you to go around back,
you get the two out there.

I'm going to go this way.

All right?

[GUN SHOTS]

Harry.

Oh, get them, Harry.

Oh, get them, Harry.

Oh.

Oh.

Harry.

You're alive!

Harry!

Harry.

Oh, Harry.

Lotus, are you all right?

Wait a minute, guy.

I've got something you're going to love.

Hurry up.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

I'm out of bullets.

Shows over, Kabukiman.

CAPTAIN BENDER: FREEZE Stuart.

Don't think about it.

Put your hands up slowly.

Slowly.

Put them up.

Joseph Hernandez.

Let's go to work with your car
Joseph's put that garment down

and get the handcuffs on him.

Harry?

You all right?

We got everything we need to
put Snipes and Stuart away.

You did good work.

All right, up against the fence.

You have the right to remain silent.

[INAUDIBLE].

What the hell?

Get the tiger.

We'll use Felicia.

She's even more new bile. she'll work.

Let the feast begin.

FELICIA: No!

No!

No!

[SCREAMING]

It has begun.

The tiger feast on the new bile.

It has begun.

The time has come.

My time has come.

[LAUGHING]

The evil one.

Harry!

Harry.

Harry?

Harry!

I think the new bile fulfilled the prophecy

Harry?

Harry?

He's in the larvae state.

And now I'll just worm my
way into my little cocoon.

Harry, wake up.

He's turning into the evil one.

Harry?

Come on!

Hurry.

The evil one is here.

You must become the Kabukiman.

Only two things remain.

The monkey must ride the jaguar
and the dragon must dance

through the hoop of Jupiter.

Look, it's happening.

See the dragon, don't you?

Here let me help.

You see?

It's just like at the planetarium.

The dragon dances through
the hoop of Jupiter!

The evil one has arrived.

Now it's up to you.

CAPTAIN BENDER: Harry?

Harry?

What the Hell is this?

What's going on?

Get back. Get back.

Take Lotus.

Get back.

Dick, get out of the way.

Kabukiman.

[CAR STARTING]

Toyota no!

Get away from the jaguar.

No!

No!

Don't ride the jaguar.

Lotus, come back here now.

You crazy monkey.

You mustn't ride the jaguar.

You're finished, evil one.

The monkey did not ride the jaguar.

No!

[SCREAMING]

Harry!

No!

Harry!

Easy, easy, easy.

All right.

We got you.

All right, we got you.

I'm tired.

I'm-- I'm going home.

Griswold?

I can explain.

I don't want to know.

What I do know is that
you're off suspension

and you're on vacation as of right now.

Let's go, partner.

So Harry, I mean Kabukiman, you
have at least another thousand

years before the next
time the dragon dances

through the hoop of Jupiter.

So what are you going to do
with the rest of your time?

Well I'd like to clean my apartment.

Do a little laundry, maybe.

And take some flying lessons.

Look, up in the sky!

It's a flying reptile.

No, it's a fixed wing super
sonic sleuth bomber.

No, no, no.

You're thinking of a stealth bomber.

No, it's a man in a striped bathrobe.

A man in a striped bathrobe?

GRISWOLD: No, good citizens, it's

me, Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD

LOTUS: Harry, watch out for that pigeon.

Lotus, help me!

Do something.

Oh, my God.

We're going to crash.