All language subtitles for Fresh Off The Boat 6x02 - College (English)

The plugs in your arms
and head are gone.

Morpheus?

Your appearance now

is what we call residual self image.

It's a mental projection
of your digital self.

This isn't real?

What is real? How do you define real?

Real is simply electrical signals

interpreted by your brain.

This is the world that you know,

the world as it was at the
end of the 20th Century.

It exists now only as a
neural interactive simulation

that we call the Matrix.

You've been living in
a dream world, Neo.

This is the world as it exists today.

That's not what Y2K's gonna be.

You don't know that.

No one knows what's going to happen.

Well, I'm not gonna lose
my hair, that's for sure.

You think the world could end?

Yes. The Millennium Bug is coming!

It's the bug of the century.

I caught a big bug with my bra today.

- More like a 36 Double Dead.
- Ma!

Guys, this is the first day

of maybe our last summer of our lives.

We've gotta do it all... Ice
cream trucks, sunburns,

water slides, skinny dipping,

ice cream trucks.

- Who's with me?
- I am.

Mom?

For the next three months

while I'm busy studying for grad school,

you will be by my side PSAT prepping.

Study buddies.

No!

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

? Fresh off the boat ?

? I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ?

? If you don't know,
homey, now you know ?

? Fresh off the boat ?

? Homey, you don't know
where I come from ?

? But I know where I'm goin' ?

? I'm fresh off the boat ?

This sucks.

All my friends are going
on cool vacations

and I'm stuck studying.

Sounds like you're going
on a ton of trips...

on the Complain Train.

I don't need all this college prep.

Eddie, this is not just
your future at stake

but my reputation.

How am I gonna become a
respected school principal

if I can't even get my own
son into a top college?

Whoa, top college?

I was thinking more like Tier 2, Tier 3.

I want less pressure, more fun.

Sit around and relax.

Rejuvenate from the
stress of high school.

You get out every day at 1:45.

I know, and my first
class starts at 9:00.

Eddie, what did you do to the tub?

Oh, that's Gia, my mega water balloon.

_

I'm leaving Gia in the tub

until I bulk up enough
to be able to throw her.

She big.

"She big," Louis.

No water balloons. Real world is coming.

College. You need to grow up.

You've been saying that since I was 3.

College. I'm so jealous of you.

Best time of your life.

You know, I was a bit of
a campus legend myself.

Please don't start.

They called me "The Buffalo."

Why'd they call you "The Buffalo"?

Because you couldn't
find a hotter wingman.

Hey, what about Maryland?

Go to your old man... And
old woman's alma... mata?

Almamatta. Alma mamata?

Alma... Go to our college?

No. Maryland did not make the list.

Do I get a say in any of this?

Oh, Eddie, if only the PSATs

were verbal, math, and comedy.

Don't you think this is a little much?

You don't want to burn
Eddie out on college

before he even gets in.

We have to stay on him or he strays.

He proves this over and over again.

If I recall, you weren't exactly

the most focused student in college.

We do not talk about my
college days, remember?

Especially not in front
of our impressionable son

who has been talking
about going to school

in "one of the Arizonas."

Just saying, you made some
questionable choices and...

That was different!

It's way more competitive now.

My sister, Connie, started
prepping Justin a year out,

and he got into a crap school.

He's a freshman at UCLA.
That's a great school.

Ugh, you sound just like Connie.

I want better for Eddie,

not just so I can rub
it in Connie's face,

but because I want him to have
the best possible future,

which I could also rub in Connie's face.

Well, it might help
Eddie get more excited

if he knew there was more
to it than just academics.

It's about making connections,

socializing, living on your own...

The whole experience.

Trust me, there is no experience

like the feeling Eddie will get

when he graduates Harvard

and sees my glowing stare of approval.

Whoa!

Do I look cool now?

Mr. Ice.

Yeah, just breeze on through.

Emery, join us.

We're watching Arnold
Schwarzenegger's "Twins."

It's Danny DeVito's "Twins."

Perfect timing. Easy on the eyes.

There's rumors of Arnold
entering politics,

so I've become a big fan.

How can you sit and watch TV
with this Y2K thing coming?

We're totally unprepared.

We need to start stocking
up on supplies, rations,

valuables we can use to
trade with other survivors.

That's gonna require some cash.

Exactly.

We need to get summer jobs.

Mm. Act responsible while
everyone else gets crazy.

Or live it up.

We won't be around to
face the consequences.

Y2K!

Something just clicked,

and I fell on board with sunglasses.

I'm just jealous you actually got
to go somewhere this summer.

Not somewhere, Eddie. Ball State.

Damn.

You were on a college campus? Fun!

Oh, yeah. We piled into the Suburban,

popped in some Reba,

and Burger King'd our way
straight to my sister's dorm.

Ah.

Eddie, that's it.

We'll take a family trip to college.

That'd be sick!

Until Mom makes me take
PSATs the whole time.

I think you'll be surprised.

Once your mom's on campus,

you may see a different side of her.

There's no chance
we're even getting there.

Mom always says sleep is our vacation.

Trust me, I know her weak spot.

Connie.

I know my weak spot... Toe massages.

Family trip to California!

Oh, that's great. Whose family?

Us. Us family.

Dad's taking us to visit Justin at UCLA.

He's in summer classes.

We can't. We just got new jobs.

Use your vacation and sick days.

They'll understand. I'm a boss.

Dad just Y2K'd our jobs.

Louis, we're saving for college,

not wasting money to go visit one

on the other side of the country.

My brother flies for Delta.
He'll get us free tickets.

We can stay with Justin... No hotel.

And the best part?

If Eddie turns down UCLA for Harvard,

you can rub it in Connie's face.

Okay! Pack your bags, boys.

We're going to college!

Does your roommate have
any diseases, Justin?

Ugh. Never mind.

I assumed when you called

it would be just Eddie staying with me.

Well, that's why you're in college...

To learn things you didn't know.

Hey, how come there's
no sock on the door?

Kidding.

Amazing bookstore.

Oh, Marley, nice.

No woman, no cry... mon.

Oh, sweet.
I had one of these.

Mine was red. If it could talk, whoo.

Louis, calm down. Where's
Grandma and the boys?

She said she needed the campus ATM

before they went sightseeing.

They're here, too?

Great.

Fill out the form and
you'll get a credit card

and a free T-shirt.

Grandma, we don't have jobs
to pay these off, remember?

So?

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Y2K.

She's right, Emery.

We tried to do the responsible
thing, and it didn't matter.

Let's just live it up while we can.

Y2K.

We're rich!

Y2K! Y2K! Y2K!

Whoo!

Wow. Your own fridge. Cool.

We didn't have those in my day.

You just had to let stuff spoil.

Oh!

There she is. It's all coming back.

Whoa. What'd you just do?

Nothing.

Just trying to clean up this hellhole.

So, uh, J-bird, the
Huangs are at college!

What's the plan?

I have a midterm today

and I was gonna use
the morning to study.

Please.

How hard can the tests be
at Eddie's safety school?

UCLA?

I got a 4.0, good SAT,

and a rare sit-down with
the Dean of Admissions

and I still got wait-listed.

It's not easy to get into.

Oh. Quick, hide the Sambuca.

It's the RA.

This is Kip, my roommate.

This is my family.
They're staying with us.

Doesn't matter to me.

My midterms just posted. I flunked out.

AP classes, years of prep school,

valedictorian...

just to be back in my
dad's butcher shop,

cutting ham for Mrs. Josephs.

Wait a minute.

So UCLA isn't a school
for dum-dums like you?

It's the Harvard of California.

Okay, new itinerary...

Campus tour, three class lectures,

and a meeting with the
Dean of Admissions.

Jessica, I thought a
meeting with the Dean

was impossible to get.

I reached out to your RV salesman.

He put in a call.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Yeah. Apparently he's some kind
of a big deal around here.

Did he sell RVs in college?

It's industrious.

Dad, you said Mom would
be different once we got here,

but College Mom is even worse.

? I'm going, going ?

? Back, back to Cali, Cali ?

? I'm going, going ?

So, do you want to get a
picture with a "celebrity"?

Marilyn Monroe? Rocky?

That guy with a spot-on Whoopi Goldberg?

I don't know, we've spent a lot.

Grandma, what's going on?

Me and Danny are going to take the limo

and do some adult things.

Uh, Grandma, that's not Danny DeVito.

Show them, Danny. Do the Batman.

Wah-wah.

So, you're just gonna ditch us

in the middle of Los Angeles?

Oh, Y2K!

Every man for themselves.

Again, Penguin!

Wah-wah.

Have fun.

Do you ever worry for Grandma's safety?

I worry for that guy's safety.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Uhp, looks like Jessica's
"Bruin" up another question.

Because it's the UCLA Bruins.

Man, this girl is on a pun
run like I've never seen.

It's effortless.

Can you tell us what
the library hours are?

I can, but the librarians have
asked me to keep it hush-hush.

Oh, you can't teach this.

A pimps and hoes party?

Yes and yes. Ooh, sounds fun.

Eddie, pay attention.

You need to remember every
detail about the school

so you can impress the
Dean of Admissions later.

Hey, uh, I know you mean well,

but maybe you can ease up on Eddie.

Ease up? I'm trying to get
our son focused on college.

Well, you don't get a donkey to
a cornfield by whipping him.

You show him the corn...

"Hey donkey, look at
all this tasty corn!"

Donkeys don't eat corn.
Well, something does.

I think you mean a pig.
A pig'll eat anything.

I know about pigs.

The point is this is supposed
to be fun for Eddie.

College is not supposed to be fun, okay?

Oh, is that so?

Um, excuse me, uh, Pun Master,

have you ever had a
student get in trouble

for streaking in the cafeteria

instead of studying for
her econ final?

Louis, don't do this.
Follow-up question.

You guys ever hear of a Messy Jessie?

Get ready for this, Eddie.

? ...leads to shots, grit your teeth ?

Drink.

? You run for cover so
discreet, why don't they ?

Drink. Tough one, Sarah.

Man, I love Tuesdays.

What should we do with this
kayak that I "borrowed"?

And another time,

she got her hands on a huge
tub of industrial glue...

Okay, Louis, that's enough.

And now her son knows
that his mom was fun.

Pretty cool, right, Eddie?

Uh... Eddie?

Where'd he go?

After this,

I wanna see a TV taping with
a live studio audience.

- What? I'm not doing that.
- Why not?

Because our time is finite,
and I don't wanna waste it

watching garbage with a
bunch of zoo people.

I'm thinking of becoming an actor.

You and everyone else.

No, I wanna go to Muscle Beach,

see where Arnold began
his political career.

- What's the point of that?
- What's the point in anything?

Y2K's coming.

Oh, poor baby.

Grandma got DeVito, so
you want some Arnold.

Better actor than you'll ever be.

Maybe you're right.

The world's ending.

Why care about anything? Or anyone.

I'm out of here.

- What?
- Y2K!

Y2K!

If Eddie misses this meeting and
winds up at a Tier 3 school,

- it's all your fault.
- My fault?

You corrupted him with
all my old escapades,

which I never wanted him to hear.

He took it as free license

to ditch us and run wild.

Exactly what I feared.

Or I inspired him to explore this campus

and all it has to offer.

Hey, what's up? And still
show up right on time.

Eddie, I'm sorry you had to
listen to those nonsense stories

your dad told the tour group.

Stories? What stories?

The ones about your mother?

Nah, I must've bailed before that.

And yet he still made
it to his big meeting.

Because Eddie knows that
college is important

and he must take it seriously.

Yeah, I was thinking about that,

and I don't wanna go to college.

College sucks.

And this must be Eddie.

- "College sucks"?!
- Eddie!

Sorry. Not just this one. All colleges.

As Dean of Admissions,
I am disappointed.

But as a man who thinks he
may have left the oven on...

I'm thrilled.

Seems like a nice guy.

You had Kareem's recommendation.

His sky hook of approval!

All you had to do was come in and smile.

I can't smell anything.

I'm so angry, I've lost
my ability to smell.

You guys should be thanking me.

Now you don't have to waste your money

sending me somewhere I hate.

Nothing. It's like all my powers

have been drained to fuel my rage.

Where have you been?
That tour was so boring.

I had to find something else to do.

You went to that party.

That's how this all happened.

He went there, he got drunk,

he lost his potential, and
now he hates college.

No, I went and found
Justin. He's my age.

I figured he might show me
how to have fun around here.

Another "Mr. Show"?

Seriously?

We've been watching TV for hours.

Isn't there anything else you guys do?

We can all take a nap again.

I thought that's what you wanted.

Nice and easy, sit around.

Recharge from high school.

Yeah, it sounded good in theory,

but that's all they do here.

Turns out I need a little more.

I haven't seen one thing
here that doesn't suck.

I'm sorry. College isn't for me.

It's lame.

This is a disaster.

He went from Tier 3 schools
to no schools at all.

He's going backwards.

Well, it's now or never.

If you're not going to show our son

how to have a good time
here, then I will.

You?

What are you gonna do,

throw a Frisbee with him on the quad?

You don't throw a Frisbee, you slang it.

Louis, who are we kidding?

I let you play it up
in front of the kids,

but we both know that in college,

you were a dork.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's
why Eddie needs you.

He is you.

No, Evan's me.

Responsible, focused,
able to pull off argyle.

Argyle!

Evan is you now.

Eddie is who you used to be.

I could handle myself.

I knew where to draw the line.

- Eddie's not me.
- No, he's not.

He's way better off
because you raised him.

Mistakes, regret, loss,

this is the place to start
to learn about that stuff.

And it'll only help our kids to know

that we went through it, too.

And we survived and evolved.

Same way he will.

Look, Jessica, someone
needs to show Eddie

that college can be challenging

and soul-searching and fun.

And that person is you.

The old you.

Messy Jessie.

What do you say, gunslinger?

...probably a huge tadpole by now.

Nice, right?

Wah-wah.

- ? Got the wind in my hair ?
- Arnold got his start here.

What are your political aspirations?

Which exercise

best preps a young candidate

for the campaign trail?

How do you square the Electoral College

with "1 Person, 1 Vote"?

? Since I was just a girl ?

? I've traveled near and far ?

Alright, I know you heard
this scene 15 times or so.

But they're gonna run it once more,

so they need you to act like

this is the first time
you're hearing these jokes!

All right? Energy up.

Oh, this is nothing.

When Kelsey Grammer's
having a day, look out.

You sure you can eat ramen dry?

You can eat anything dry
if you chew enough.

Eddie, I have to tell you something.

I am Messy Jessie.

Who?

When I was in college,

I didn't take it seriously.

I used to be a madwoman.

- I don't believe this.
- What?

That you could fill a water balloon

with shaving cream instead of water

so you could actually lift it?

No, I mean, yes, that is
also pretty mind-blowing,

but I'm talking about how
you were wild in college.

Occasionally, I would let my hair down.

Until I shaved it all off on a dare.

How come you never told me all this?

Because there are some
qualities you see in your kids

that you know they got from
you, and you are not proud.

So...

you're ashamed I like to have fun?

No, it's not that.

It's just that maybe

if I had been more focused
the first time around,

I wouldn't be back in school now

trying to do it all over again.

I don't want you to have to do that.

Really?

Because it seems to me
that the way you did it

is way more interesting.

You lived it up, you had a family,

multiple careers, still
pushing yourself...

Okay, you're right, I don't regret it.

I just don't want to encourage you

to behave the way I did.

I know, I'm a hypocrite.

No, cocky.

You think you're the only person
who could handle anything?

Yes.

Because I am battle-tested.

Not as much as me.

You could never handle what
I went through... you.

Me versus me.

That is interesting. Who would win?

Me.

You're crazy.

You call it like you see it.

That is another quality I
am proud you get from me.

Well, I am glad that
Messy Jessie could help.

Now, are you gonna tell me

what we're gonna do with
this cream balloon?

Yes.

As long as you promise to
only do it at Harvard.

I don't know about Harvard,

but maybe college isn't
as lame as I thought.

Okay. Stanford.

Ready?

Hey, look!

It's our little movie star!

You make it big?

No. Hollywood sucks.

Yeah, turns out a beachside gym

isn't the political think
tank you would expect.

And look at this.

Completely pumped out.

I won't be able to do bis
and tris till next week!

I thought being rich

and not caring about
anything would be amazing.

Garfield makes it look so easy.

Garfield's not rich.

He's cat-rich. It's different.

It was all too much.

The excess, ignoring consequences,

never saying no.

It's unsustainable. You
can't live life that way.

No one can. Not even me.

Not even Danny DeVito.

Grandma, that wasn't Danny DeVito.

Emery, they could've
kissed. Let her have it.

? Yeah ?

You know, even if Y2K's coming,

I'd rather spend my last
few days with you two,

just like we always do...

On the couch, busting each other's yams.

Hey, if the world doesn't end,

how are we gonna pay
off our credit cards?

I faked my death before.

I can do it again.

Hmm.

Look out below!

Nooooooo!

Messy Jessie!

She big, and she back!

If you were this crazy in college,

I can't imagine what
"The Buffalo" was like.

Nope. Sorry. That's R-rated.

Louis, I thought you said

good parenting was sharing
our past, not hiding it.

Oh, I say a lot of things
to get out of the doghouse.

Your dad was a club guy.

He joined them all.

I am so excited.

Topiary Club!

Or should we call it Shrub Club?

Look out, nerds!

Coming through!

Are you here for the club?

Extracurriculars are the wings

of a social butterfly.

Dad, you're making it worse.

Oh, yeah? I had a ton of sex.

- No, you did not.
- I did, too.

With who? The bush club?

The Shrub Club!

Okay. That's enough sharing.

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Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com