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1
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I have more friends
than anyone else I know,
2
00:00:02,484 --> 00:00:04,878
and every single day, more people ask
3
00:00:04,947 --> 00:00:06,581
to be friends with me.
4
00:00:08,824 --> 00:00:13,127
Seeing that number creep
up does make me feel good.
5
00:00:14,299 --> 00:00:16,266
But for all my online friends,
6
00:00:16,373 --> 00:00:18,841
in the real world, I only have one.
7
00:00:18,958 --> 00:00:20,158
- Hey!
- Hey.
8
00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:21,650
There you are. Got you something.
9
00:00:21,746 --> 00:00:23,413
Aah!
10
00:00:24,977 --> 00:00:26,811
What is that?
11
00:00:26,916 --> 00:00:28,350
It's a landline.
12
00:00:30,010 --> 00:00:32,345
Before touchscreens, there was touch-tone.
13
00:00:32,459 --> 00:00:33,625
And before touch-tone,
14
00:00:33,717 --> 00:00:37,286
there were rotary phones, like this one.
15
00:00:37,424 --> 00:00:38,724
Henry and I spend a lot of time together,
16
00:00:38,818 --> 00:00:40,285
and we never have sex.
17
00:00:40,383 --> 00:00:43,518
We are, in the truest
sense of the word, friends.
18
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:46,813
This phone will teach you to be patient.
19
00:00:49,224 --> 00:00:50,324
Huh.
20
00:00:50,415 --> 00:00:52,349
It is not fast. It does not store numbers.
21
00:00:52,455 --> 00:00:54,156
So you may have to learn some. Or...
22
00:00:54,258 --> 00:00:55,291
Hmm.
23
00:00:55,380 --> 00:00:57,614
You could use one of these.
24
00:00:57,726 --> 00:00:59,560
See, that's what made
our friendship so great.
25
00:00:59,665 --> 00:01:01,232
Henry was always teaching me stuff,
26
00:01:01,331 --> 00:01:02,765
and I was always letting him.
27
00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:04,796
That's why I thought nothing
could come between us.
28
00:01:04,902 --> 00:01:06,002
Hi.
29
00:01:06,092 --> 00:01:06,992
Hi.
30
00:01:07,079 --> 00:01:08,746
- His door's closed.
- I see that.
31
00:01:08,847 --> 00:01:10,114
I'm about to open it.
32
00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:11,441
No, no, no.
33
00:01:11,534 --> 00:01:13,735
Uh, it's intentionally
closed. It's staying closed.
34
00:01:13,846 --> 00:01:15,013
What's that supposed to mean?
35
00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:16,371
Well, he's in there with someone
36
00:01:16,465 --> 00:01:18,366
and doesn't want to be disturbed.
37
00:01:18,471 --> 00:01:19,371
Shut up.
38
00:01:19,457 --> 00:01:21,125
I'm serious, Eliza.
39
00:01:21,225 --> 00:01:23,126
He asked me to make
sure no one bothers him.
40
00:01:23,232 --> 00:01:25,333
Who's in there?
41
00:01:25,443 --> 00:01:26,309
I'm not at liberty to...
42
00:01:26,395 --> 00:01:28,062
- Is it Saperstein?
- No.
43
00:01:28,163 --> 00:01:28,996
- Joan?
- No.
44
00:01:29,081 --> 00:01:30,215
Is it Larry, Linda?
45
00:01:30,305 --> 00:01:31,305
No. No.
46
00:01:31,394 --> 00:01:32,961
Is it Obama?
47
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,294
No.
48
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,854
- Is it Tobey Maguire?
- No.
49
00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:38,739
- Is it Tobey Maguire, you little bitch?!
- No.
50
00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:39,674
No.
51
00:01:41,732 --> 00:01:43,233
- Oh.
- Oh!
52
00:01:45,711 --> 00:01:48,747
Julia, this is my... Contemporary,
53
00:01:48,873 --> 00:01:50,074
Eliza.
54
00:01:50,166 --> 00:01:53,535
Eliza, I present, for
your consideration, Julia,
55
00:01:53,669 --> 00:01:55,070
the gentlewoman I'm courting.
56
00:01:55,165 --> 00:01:55,932
What?
57
00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,316
Henry, thank you
58
00:01:57,409 --> 00:02:00,545
for the enjoyable conversation
and the lime-infused water.
59
00:02:00,675 --> 00:02:02,342
No, thank you for making the schlep
60
00:02:02,443 --> 00:02:04,210
and providing the curried chicken salad.
61
00:02:10,401 --> 00:02:11,501
Henry?
62
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:14,459
Are you low-key dating that tiny woman?
63
00:02:14,584 --> 00:02:16,685
Well, increasingly, things are moving
64
00:02:16,793 --> 00:02:18,094
in that direction, so...
65
00:02:18,189 --> 00:02:20,190
I would have to say yes.
66
00:02:20,296 --> 00:02:22,164
Officially, yes, I am.
67
00:02:26,351 --> 00:02:27,417
Thank you, Charlie.
68
00:02:48,854 --> 00:02:50,021
What seems to be the problem?
69
00:02:50,112 --> 00:02:51,246
What? No, it's not a... Nothing.
70
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,004
It's just... it's weird
that you didn't tell me
71
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,740
that you officially started dating someone.
72
00:02:54,839 --> 00:02:56,507
We just became official
like six seconds ago.
73
00:02:56,608 --> 00:02:57,909
Yeah, but if I hadn't have asked,
74
00:02:58,002 --> 00:02:59,069
you wouldn't have told me.
75
00:02:59,159 --> 00:03:00,659
- So?
- So?
76
00:03:00,757 --> 00:03:03,559
I tell you every single detail
about my love life with Freddy.
77
00:03:03,682 --> 00:03:06,250
That is a habit I'm desperately
trying to break you of.
78
00:03:06,369 --> 00:03:08,436
Lest we not forget, you were the one
79
00:03:08,545 --> 00:03:10,613
who was giving me grief
about not getting any.
80
00:03:11,911 --> 00:03:13,712
I thought you'd be happy for me.
81
00:03:13,816 --> 00:03:16,151
But, funnily enough, they never are.
82
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:19,433
Now, I typically don't like
to generalize, but I will say,
83
00:03:19,563 --> 00:03:21,731
with the exception of Phylicia Rashad,
84
00:03:21,841 --> 00:03:24,910
whom I once chatted with on
a layover at O'Hare airport,
85
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,905
all women are highly emotional
86
00:03:27,011 --> 00:03:28,812
and deeply jealous creatures.
87
00:03:28,915 --> 00:03:30,816
Julia doesn't seem to be that...
88
00:03:30,921 --> 00:03:32,455
Uh, doesn't seem to be.
89
00:03:32,554 --> 00:03:35,089
I'm telling you, the two
of us are really simpatico,
90
00:03:35,207 --> 00:03:37,041
more so than anyone else I've ever dated.
91
00:03:37,145 --> 00:03:39,747
We're both well-groomed,
but not overly ornate.
92
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,536
Neither of us feel compelled
to fill every silence
93
00:03:48,674 --> 00:03:51,189
with mindless chatter.
94
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:52,000
And when we do make conversation,
95
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,567
we always see eye-to-eye.
96
00:03:53,665 --> 00:03:55,633
Holding hands or locking pinkies?
97
00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:56,674
Locking pinkies.
98
00:04:01,114 --> 00:04:04,149
Well, enjoy the
pinky-holding while it lasts
99
00:04:04,276 --> 00:04:06,410
because when Julia catches
wind of how much time
100
00:04:06,521 --> 00:04:07,988
you're spending with Eliza,
101
00:04:08,085 --> 00:04:10,186
she's gonna get all weird and threatened.
102
00:04:10,296 --> 00:04:12,230
Just... oh, hold on.
103
00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,703
Hey, there, lover.
104
00:04:13,799 --> 00:04:15,599
No, I'm with Henry.
105
00:04:15,703 --> 00:04:17,938
Yes, I am.
106
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:20,951
All right, I'll put him on right now.
107
00:04:21,076 --> 00:04:23,044
Henry, say hi to my wife.
108
00:04:23,150 --> 00:04:25,051
- No, no, no.
- Just let her hear your voice!
109
00:04:28,654 --> 00:04:30,222
Hi, Nancy. It's Henry.
110
00:04:31,444 --> 00:04:33,278
No, it's not Larry doing a voice.
111
00:04:33,381 --> 00:04:34,715
- It's really me.
- Good, good.
112
00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:36,978
Oh, God, just because
he's dating someone else
113
00:04:37,088 --> 00:04:40,224
does not mean things
between us will change.
114
00:04:40,354 --> 00:04:42,321
No way... I'm just being paranoid.
115
00:04:42,428 --> 00:04:44,529
You're not being paranoid.
116
00:04:44,639 --> 00:04:47,874
You remember Thistle from my book club?
117
00:04:48,005 --> 00:04:51,374
She and I were hard-core bffs.
118
00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:53,309
We canned peaches together,
119
00:04:53,412 --> 00:04:55,146
nostalgia-read Judy Blume books together.
120
00:04:55,249 --> 00:04:56,743
We were even on the same menstrual cycle.
121
00:04:56,744 --> 00:04:58,911
But then she started dating
Balthazar and singing backup
122
00:04:59,022 --> 00:05:01,023
in his Ashkenazi klezmer band,
123
00:05:01,130 --> 00:05:04,165
and just like that,
our friendship was over.
124
00:05:04,293 --> 00:05:07,595
Well, luckily, Henry
doesn't listen to klezmer.
125
00:05:07,728 --> 00:05:09,562
Oh, no. It wasn't the klezmer.
126
00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:10,733
It was Balthazar.
127
00:05:10,822 --> 00:05:12,957
He felt threatened by our friendship.
128
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:14,834
And thistle knew I didn't like him,
129
00:05:14,938 --> 00:05:16,505
which drove a wedge between us.
130
00:05:16,604 --> 00:05:20,206
If I had just been more supportive of him,
131
00:05:20,344 --> 00:05:22,745
maybe I'd still be friends with her.
132
00:05:25,649 --> 00:05:27,250
We need to talk.
133
00:05:27,350 --> 00:05:29,351
I'm sorry for how I reacted.
134
00:05:29,458 --> 00:05:31,026
I'm sorry I sprung this Julia news on you.
135
00:05:31,125 --> 00:05:32,159
But I've thought about it,
136
00:05:32,247 --> 00:05:33,514
and I want to be super-supportive.
137
00:05:33,607 --> 00:05:34,774
I hope you can be super-supportive
138
00:05:34,866 --> 00:05:36,066
because I really do like Julia.
139
00:05:36,158 --> 00:05:38,459
I get it. I get it. And
I'm dating someone, too.
140
00:05:38,573 --> 00:05:39,539
- Hi, Freddy.
- Hey.
141
00:05:39,627 --> 00:05:40,760
Oh!
142
00:05:40,851 --> 00:05:42,352
Even though he's a tool,
I try to be encouraging.
143
00:05:42,449 --> 00:05:43,683
As I will be
144
00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,410
of your tiny, sterile,
micro, pocket lady-boy.
145
00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:47,678
Listen, and as far as
our friendship goes...
146
00:05:47,789 --> 00:05:48,822
Nothing has to change.
147
00:05:48,911 --> 00:05:50,578
I completely agree.
148
00:05:50,679 --> 00:05:51,779
I was gonna say
149
00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:54,271
we should probably make some modifications.
150
00:05:54,386 --> 00:05:56,420
What kind of modifications?
151
00:05:56,528 --> 00:05:58,963
Well, we probably don't need
quite as many work sessions,
152
00:05:59,079 --> 00:06:00,879
since you've been doing so well recently.
153
00:06:00,983 --> 00:06:02,784
Uh, what are you talking about?
154
00:06:02,888 --> 00:06:04,522
Yesterday was Linda's birthday,
155
00:06:04,622 --> 00:06:07,024
and I didn't sign her card
because my nails were wet.
156
00:06:07,139 --> 00:06:09,206
- I'm not doing well. I'm just... I'm not.
- There she is!
157
00:06:09,315 --> 00:06:12,017
There's our number-one sales rep.
158
00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:14,038
My little shooting star!
159
00:06:14,144 --> 00:06:15,678
Me? No, no, no, no.
You've got the wrong girl.
160
00:06:15,777 --> 00:06:17,945
I am consistently late to work.
161
00:06:18,055 --> 00:06:21,458
And sometimes I turn in
receipts for personal expenses.
162
00:06:21,592 --> 00:06:23,660
Well, you know who else
was a bit of a rule-breaker?
163
00:06:23,769 --> 00:06:25,870
Harriet Tubman.
164
00:06:25,979 --> 00:06:29,748
Like you, she had a...
She had a lot of followers.
165
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,124
Yeah, a lot of followers.
166
00:06:32,236 --> 00:06:35,572
How many followers would you say you have?
167
00:06:35,706 --> 00:06:39,075
Um, across all platforms?
168
00:06:39,208 --> 00:06:42,644
- Roughly 300,000, sir.
- Wow.
169
00:06:42,779 --> 00:06:45,047
That's... that's
significantly more than Tubman.
170
00:06:45,159 --> 00:06:46,393
Although, to be fair,
171
00:06:46,486 --> 00:06:48,687
she did have a lot more on her plate
172
00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:50,699
than, uh... You do.
173
00:06:50,804 --> 00:06:54,073
How would you like to
introduce our keynote speaker
174
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,139
at the pharmaceutical conference next week?
175
00:06:56,246 --> 00:06:58,280
Me?
176
00:06:58,388 --> 00:07:00,389
We could use a little star power.
177
00:07:00,497 --> 00:07:02,531
- Oh.
- And I'm not afraid to tell you
178
00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:05,574
Joan sucked the life out of
Pharmaceuti-Con last year.
179
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,467
But this year,
180
00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:08,860
I really want to grab people's attention.
181
00:07:08,973 --> 00:07:10,073
So, what do you say?
182
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,931
Will you get up there and make
183
00:07:12,034 --> 00:07:13,934
Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals proud?
184
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,075
- I'd be honored, sir.
- Great.
185
00:07:16,182 --> 00:07:18,050
And I'm sure with Henry by my side...
186
00:07:20,298 --> 00:07:21,832
I can't lose.
187
00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:26,813
I thought we were gonna eat
lunch together, like always.
188
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:29,225
I'm sorry. I promised Julia.
189
00:07:29,339 --> 00:07:30,973
Henry, this isn't a good time for Julia.
190
00:07:31,073 --> 00:07:32,440
I have Pharmaceuti-Con coming up,
191
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,670
and I need your help preparing
for the keynote speech.
192
00:07:34,779 --> 00:07:36,747
Eliza, you are introducing
the speech, not giving it.
193
00:07:36,855 --> 00:07:38,522
All you got to say is, "here's this guy."
194
00:07:38,623 --> 00:07:40,457
And if you can remember
his name, all the better.
195
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,047
So...
196
00:07:42,115 --> 00:07:44,016
- You're not gonna help me?
- I just did!
197
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,154
How's my hair?
198
00:07:45,244 --> 00:07:47,411
- Black. Same as always.
- Thank you.
199
00:07:47,522 --> 00:07:50,891
Hey, if you want to eat lunch
in my office, you're welcome to.
200
00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:53,760
What's that supposed to mean?
201
00:07:55,315 --> 00:07:57,199
I think he just means that it's okay
202
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,300
to eat in his office,
203
00:07:58,391 --> 00:07:59,358
even though he's not gonna be in there.
204
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:01,346
And you don't think that's weird?
205
00:08:01,452 --> 00:08:03,787
I mean, he's on his way to eat
lunch with his new girlfriend,
206
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,501
and he's telling me to eat in his office?
207
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:06,367
Hello!
208
00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:08,252
Okay, I'm surmising
209
00:08:08,356 --> 00:08:10,957
that you're worried now
that Henry's dating...
210
00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:13,611
Ooh! She whose name shall not be spoken.
211
00:08:13,728 --> 00:08:15,129
Julia...
212
00:08:15,225 --> 00:08:17,159
That he won't want you in his life anymore.
213
00:08:17,266 --> 00:08:20,234
I know I'm probably just being paranoid.
214
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,927
No, you're not being paranoid.
215
00:08:22,026 --> 00:08:24,060
That's pretty much the script, unless...
216
00:08:24,169 --> 00:08:25,936
You do something to flip it.
217
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,274
Well, I tried being, like, supportive.
218
00:08:28,385 --> 00:08:29,619
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
219
00:08:29,712 --> 00:08:31,780
I'm not talking about being supportive.
220
00:08:31,888 --> 00:08:33,923
Little Miss Muffet needs to recognize.
221
00:08:34,031 --> 00:08:36,566
Now, what you need to do
is the same thing I did
222
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,184
when this lady from my
urban league who does hair
223
00:08:39,302 --> 00:08:41,337
was trying to steal my
best friend, Camilla.
224
00:08:41,444 --> 00:08:43,779
What did you do?
225
00:08:43,893 --> 00:08:46,094
I took the bitch down.
226
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,000
Huh!
227
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,234
Look at this profile pic.
228
00:08:52,347 --> 00:08:55,149
Ugh. That is tasteful and demure.
229
00:08:55,272 --> 00:08:56,806
And these reviews...
230
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:59,305
"After years of being misdiagnosed,
231
00:08:59,420 --> 00:09:01,855
"Dr. Julia honed in on the true cause
232
00:09:01,971 --> 00:09:04,673
"of my son's neurogenic bladder disorder.
233
00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:07,962
Thanks to Dr. Julia, Truman
is now peeing freely."
234
00:09:08,092 --> 00:09:10,327
Oh, way to go, Truman.
235
00:09:10,439 --> 00:09:11,973
Okay. Okay. Okay.
236
00:09:12,071 --> 00:09:13,338
But they're not all Trumans.
237
00:09:13,432 --> 00:09:14,899
I mean, look right here.
238
00:09:14,995 --> 00:09:16,629
"Wait time was a little
longer than expected."
239
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:19,832
"But only because Dr. Julia was performing
240
00:09:19,961 --> 00:09:22,963
emergency urethral reconstructive surgery"?
241
00:09:23,090 --> 00:09:24,357
"Dr. J is a hero."
242
00:09:24,450 --> 00:09:26,918
Okay, but...
243
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,301
I got nothing.
244
00:09:29,585 --> 00:09:31,519
Since I couldn't find
245
00:09:31,626 --> 00:09:33,794
a visible hole in Julia's character,
246
00:09:33,904 --> 00:09:35,305
I decided to poke one.
247
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,902
Mmm! Tea time!
248
00:09:38,019 --> 00:09:40,420
Don't mind if I don't.
249
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:41,803
What? You don't want tea?
250
00:09:41,895 --> 00:09:43,963
There's no need to specify
that you don't want something,
251
00:09:44,072 --> 00:09:45,706
particularly if it hasn't been offered.
252
00:09:45,807 --> 00:09:48,575
Duly noted, Earl Grey.
253
00:09:48,698 --> 00:09:50,065
Okay, you're acting weird.
254
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,160
I'm being weird?
255
00:09:51,248 --> 00:09:53,049
I'm not the one who loves urine.
256
00:09:53,152 --> 00:09:54,385
What did you say?
257
00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:57,213
Baby urine. Isn't that
your new lady's fave?
258
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:59,169
Her fave?
259
00:09:59,274 --> 00:10:00,741
Julia's a pediatric urologist.
260
00:10:00,838 --> 00:10:01,904
Like I said.
261
00:10:01,994 --> 00:10:03,661
Urology is not the study of urine.
262
00:10:03,762 --> 00:10:05,830
It is the study of the
urinary-tract system,
263
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,774
which includes the kidneys,
the adrenal glands, the bladder,
264
00:10:08,898 --> 00:10:10,164
as well as the male reproductive organs.
265
00:10:10,258 --> 00:10:12,426
Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Peen.
266
00:10:12,537 --> 00:10:14,104
She's a pediatric urologist.
267
00:10:14,203 --> 00:10:16,504
Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Baby-Peen.
268
00:10:16,618 --> 00:10:17,618
So sorry.
269
00:10:17,706 --> 00:10:20,240
Okay, you are being incredibly juvenile.
270
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,493
Henry, come on. Come on.
271
00:10:22,602 --> 00:10:23,836
You're still coming over tonight, right,
272
00:10:23,929 --> 00:10:26,764
to help me with the keynote thingy?
273
00:10:26,888 --> 00:10:28,121
Henry?
274
00:10:28,214 --> 00:10:31,082
So, I'll start on the
Risotto if you want to prep
275
00:10:31,207 --> 00:10:33,842
the lamb shanks and mirepoix for braising.
276
00:10:33,962 --> 00:10:35,729
Braise, huh?
277
00:10:35,832 --> 00:10:38,367
What is the E.T.A. on a braise?
278
00:10:38,485 --> 00:10:39,985
Do you have somewhere to be?
279
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:42,117
Uh, not immediately, but I
may have this one work thing
280
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:44,626
- to take care of later tonight.
- Fine.
281
00:10:44,742 --> 00:10:46,343
If it's not fine, you can say so.
282
00:10:46,442 --> 00:10:47,776
I can probably blow it off.
283
00:10:47,871 --> 00:10:48,904
Oh, no.
284
00:10:48,993 --> 00:10:51,194
I'm sorry if I sound punishing, Henry.
285
00:10:51,305 --> 00:10:52,805
That's my default cadence.
286
00:10:52,904 --> 00:10:56,206
It's fine. Sincerely, I'm not mad.
287
00:10:56,338 --> 00:10:59,974
Truth told, I had a... Rough day at work.
288
00:11:00,113 --> 00:11:02,281
Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?
289
00:11:02,391 --> 00:11:04,960
Some idiot left a bunch
of negative feedback
290
00:11:05,078 --> 00:11:06,679
- about me online.
- What?
291
00:11:06,779 --> 00:11:09,747
They kept insisting
that I got my "peen-HD"
292
00:11:09,873 --> 00:11:11,440
in "urinology."
293
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:15,209
Have you ever heard of
something so incredibly ignorant?
294
00:11:16,216 --> 00:11:18,417
Unfortunately, I have.
295
00:11:24,513 --> 00:11:27,282
I think I was being stood up.
296
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,230
I'd never actually been stood up before,
297
00:11:30,328 --> 00:11:32,596
so I wasn't totally sure.
298
00:11:39,259 --> 00:11:41,000
I checked all my phones to make sure
299
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,000
they were in working order.
300
00:11:45,111 --> 00:11:46,878
They were.
301
00:11:46,981 --> 00:11:48,382
Hello? Hello?
302
00:11:48,477 --> 00:11:49,811
Hello? Hello?
303
00:11:49,906 --> 00:11:51,406
Hello. I'm talking to myself.
304
00:11:51,504 --> 00:11:52,604
I'm talking to myself.
305
00:11:54,803 --> 00:11:58,439
So I sat by the phone
waiting for Henry to call.
306
00:11:58,578 --> 00:11:59,411
Aah! Aah!
307
00:12:00,992 --> 00:12:02,226
But he didn't.
308
00:12:02,318 --> 00:12:03,719
Aah!
309
00:12:03,815 --> 00:12:05,415
Henry?
310
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,417
Ah. Ahh.
311
00:12:08,755 --> 00:12:10,556
Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I do have three minutes
312
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:12,828
to answer a few short
questions about my water usage.
313
00:12:12,938 --> 00:12:13,838
Abso...
314
00:12:13,925 --> 00:12:15,893
Uh, I got to go.
315
00:12:20,692 --> 00:12:21,992
Yes!
316
00:12:22,086 --> 00:12:24,287
- [I knew you'd come.
- Hold your mirth.
317
00:12:24,399 --> 00:12:27,267
I'm here for one reason,
and one reason only.
318
00:12:27,391 --> 00:12:30,827
To help me learn to say
"here's this guy"? Huh?
319
00:12:30,963 --> 00:12:32,063
How could you have left
320
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,753
those negative reviews of Julia online?
321
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:36,988
That is a career you're
messing with, and why?
322
00:12:37,118 --> 00:12:40,220
Because you can't stand anyone
but you soaking up my attention.
323
00:12:40,348 --> 00:12:42,249
You are not the sun, Eliza.
324
00:12:42,354 --> 00:12:45,523
The world does not revolve around you.
325
00:12:46,742 --> 00:12:47,909
You're right.
326
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,968
I think I'm the sun.
327
00:12:50,075 --> 00:12:52,343
And I hear from your tone that I'm not.
328
00:12:52,455 --> 00:12:55,124
Point bees, until we
figure out who the sun is,
329
00:12:55,243 --> 00:12:57,311
maybe we need to go back to meeting
330
00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,388
like one to three times per week.
331
00:12:59,494 --> 00:13:01,195
You do need help.
332
00:13:01,297 --> 00:13:03,198
But you're not gonna get it from me.
333
00:13:03,303 --> 00:13:04,470
I think we're done here.
334
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,735
Wait... done with our conversation,
or done with this friendship?
335
00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:11,482
Henry, just clarify!
336
00:13:16,327 --> 00:13:17,627
Henry had dumped me.
337
00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:19,154
I was legit friendless
338
00:13:19,251 --> 00:13:21,719
and feeling so-Cal sorry for myself.
339
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,569
thestruggleisreal.
340
00:13:25,610 --> 00:13:26,476
Beep, beep.
341
00:13:26,562 --> 00:13:27,529
Excuse us.
342
00:13:27,616 --> 00:13:28,616
Wow.
343
00:13:28,705 --> 00:13:30,039
You know something?
344
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:32,468
No one has ever baked me a cake.
345
00:13:32,582 --> 00:13:35,250
This is the closest
I've ever come to someone
346
00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:36,637
baking me a cake...
347
00:13:36,731 --> 00:13:40,100
Standing near a cake that
was baked for someone else.
348
00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,168
And now that I've lost the
only real friend I ever had,
349
00:13:42,273 --> 00:13:45,375
I'm guessing my future is
gonna be pretty cake-less.
350
00:13:45,504 --> 00:13:47,272
Pretty cake-less, you guys.
351
00:13:53,436 --> 00:13:55,004
Sorry, can you move?
352
00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:56,770
We need to get this cake to Balthazar
353
00:13:56,871 --> 00:13:58,405
before the fondant starts to sweat.
354
00:13:58,503 --> 00:14:00,204
You baked a cake for Balthazar?
355
00:14:00,305 --> 00:14:01,739
I thought you guys hated Balthazar.
356
00:14:01,836 --> 00:14:04,204
We do. But we miss Thistle.
357
00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,286
So we're bringing this as an olive branch.
358
00:14:06,393 --> 00:14:09,228
There's nothing in the world
a moist cake can't cure...
359
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:10,917
Except alcoholism.
360
00:14:12,057 --> 00:14:13,858
Have a great one.
361
00:14:17,227 --> 00:14:18,761
And that's when I realized...
362
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,659
Since there's nothing in the world,
363
00:14:20,763 --> 00:14:23,097
besides alcoholism, that
a moist cake can't cure,
364
00:14:23,211 --> 00:14:24,845
I thought I'd bake one for Julia
365
00:14:24,946 --> 00:14:26,980
to show that I do respect her profession
366
00:14:27,089 --> 00:14:28,890
and that I now know where the prostate is.
367
00:14:32,462 --> 00:14:33,862
Dernk!
368
00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:35,959
Oh. Looks delicious.
369
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:38,034
Save me a slice of the bladder.
370
00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,408
Will do...
371
00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:40,701
If you will call Julia's
office, pretend to be my mother,
372
00:14:40,794 --> 00:14:42,428
and see if you can get her to squeeze me in
373
00:14:42,527 --> 00:14:43,961
for an appointment this afternoon.
374
00:14:44,058 --> 00:14:46,026
- No.
- But if I make nice with Julia,
375
00:14:46,132 --> 00:14:47,666
maybe she'll let me
stay friends with Henry.
376
00:14:47,765 --> 00:14:48,631
No.
377
00:14:48,717 --> 00:14:50,018
Please?
378
00:14:50,111 --> 00:14:50,844
No.
379
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:54,755
Look, you're already a mom,
and you give good phone.
380
00:14:54,873 --> 00:14:56,273
This will be easy for you.
381
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,401
Hello, I'd like to make an appointment
382
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:06,720
for an adult white lady
carrying a prostate cake.
383
00:15:07,387 --> 00:15:09,622
Yes, 3:15's fine.
384
00:15:18,031 --> 00:15:20,399
Does one of you have a
Teen Vogue or something?
385
00:15:20,514 --> 00:15:21,681
I'd even take
386
00:15:21,772 --> 00:15:23,006
a Good Housekeeping at this point.
387
00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:23,832
Moms?
388
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,101
That one's my favorite.
389
00:15:33,571 --> 00:15:35,171
"The courageous kitty"?
390
00:15:35,271 --> 00:15:37,272
What's so courageous about her?
391
00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:39,681
Did she come out to her parents? Huh?
392
00:15:39,795 --> 00:15:40,795
Hey.
393
00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:43,084
It's about a scared little kitty
394
00:15:43,196 --> 00:15:45,897
who doesn't think she can cross the river
395
00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:48,386
- to get to her first rodeo.
- What?
396
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:51,036
But she just keeps believing in herself.
397
00:15:51,153 --> 00:15:54,723
And she realizes that she can make it.
398
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:57,495
And then she does make it.
399
00:15:57,614 --> 00:16:00,015
And she stays on the boat for nine...
400
00:16:00,131 --> 00:16:02,432
This is your favorite book?
401
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,146
Then I realized...
402
00:16:04,245 --> 00:16:05,479
That little girl
403
00:16:05,572 --> 00:16:07,139
with the terrible taste in literature
404
00:16:07,239 --> 00:16:08,372
was there for a reason.
405
00:16:08,463 --> 00:16:11,265
It burns when I oopsy.
406
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,855
Okay, two reasons.
407
00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:15,386
And the second one was to
help me believe in myself.
408
00:16:15,503 --> 00:16:17,270
I don't need to grovel or beg.
409
00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:20,642
I'm the courageous kitty, but hotter.
410
00:16:20,774 --> 00:16:24,176
And I can handle
Pharmaceuti-Con all on my own.
411
00:16:30,534 --> 00:16:34,203
Look at this cake one of my patients madme.
412
00:16:34,343 --> 00:16:35,276
Wow!
413
00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:36,363
A child made that?
414
00:16:36,451 --> 00:16:38,418
Yes, a child with a very thorough
415
00:16:38,525 --> 00:16:40,793
understanding of the urological system.
416
00:16:40,906 --> 00:16:41,639
Yeah.
417
00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:56,180
May I offer you a piece of the urethra?
418
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:57,310
No.
419
00:16:57,398 --> 00:16:58,965
Irritable bowel?
420
00:16:59,064 --> 00:17:02,066
Oh... Or just irritable?
421
00:17:02,192 --> 00:17:05,328
I'm not irritable.
I-I-I'm fine.
422
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,424
I'm fine.
423
00:17:06,512 --> 00:17:08,947
Mmm! This is good!
424
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,664
Season 3 "Mentalist" finale. Let's do it.
425
00:17:11,783 --> 00:17:13,417
Henry...
426
00:17:13,518 --> 00:17:15,218
One needn't be the mentalist
427
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:19,323
to see that something is bothering you.
428
00:17:19,469 --> 00:17:21,036
Okay, I'm sorry.
429
00:17:21,135 --> 00:17:24,337
It's just, um...
430
00:17:24,468 --> 00:17:25,868
Do you know that contemporary of mine
431
00:17:25,964 --> 00:17:27,197
I introduced you to?
432
00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:30,125
The jolly ginger giantess. Yes, I remember.
433
00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:32,617
Ooh, she was a skyscraper, she was.
434
00:17:32,732 --> 00:17:33,832
Right.
435
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,334
The thing is, she's
more than a contemporary.
436
00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:39,186
She's more like a friend.
437
00:17:39,289 --> 00:17:42,224
The two of us are pretty close, actually.
438
00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:43,583
And?
439
00:17:43,676 --> 00:17:45,310
And...
440
00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,344
Eliza...
441
00:17:47,451 --> 00:17:51,087
She has a big event tonight,
and it is the kind of thing
442
00:17:51,226 --> 00:17:53,627
that I would normally be there for
443
00:17:53,742 --> 00:17:55,176
to offer her support.
444
00:17:55,272 --> 00:17:56,406
But I didn't...
445
00:17:56,496 --> 00:17:59,498
I didn't want it to be an issue between us.
446
00:17:59,625 --> 00:18:02,394
Well, why would it be an issue?
447
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:03,883
I'm a self-assured woman.
448
00:18:03,978 --> 00:18:06,513
Of course I expect you
to have female friends.
449
00:18:06,631 --> 00:18:08,865
I myself have throngs of male cohorts.
450
00:18:08,977 --> 00:18:10,511
So you don't mind if I...
451
00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:11,371
Throngs?
452
00:18:11,372 --> 00:18:13,140
What... what... What constitutes a throng?
453
00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:16,145
Oh, more than a gaggle, less than a swarm.
454
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:20,139
Go help your enormous
friend. It's no problemo.
455
00:18:20,283 --> 00:18:22,017
I won't have a cow.
456
00:18:23,309 --> 00:18:24,876
"The Mentalist" and I will be here
457
00:18:24,975 --> 00:18:26,476
waiting for you when you get back.
458
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,897
You are Phylicia Rashad.
459
00:18:36,062 --> 00:18:38,663
I get that a lot.
460
00:18:38,782 --> 00:18:42,084
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you
461
00:18:42,217 --> 00:18:43,651
to Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals'
462
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:47,016
strides in children's medicine symposium.
463
00:18:47,148 --> 00:18:50,083
Now, here to introduce our keynote speaker,
464
00:18:50,209 --> 00:18:51,376
Ms. Eliza Dooley.
465
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,268
As I stepped onto the stage, it hit me.
466
00:18:53,371 --> 00:18:54,605
I was on my own.
467
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:55,864
I couldn't believe that my only friend
468
00:18:55,956 --> 00:18:57,857
was missing the most important moment
469
00:18:57,963 --> 00:18:59,497
in the guy I was introducing's life.
470
00:18:59,594 --> 00:19:00,895
There she is. There she is.
471
00:19:00,989 --> 00:19:01,889
Oh.
472
00:19:04,628 --> 00:19:06,061
Thank you.
473
00:19:08,402 --> 00:19:10,804
And now this guy.
474
00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:16,346
Oh.
475
00:19:20,762 --> 00:19:23,597
Thank you.
476
00:19:23,721 --> 00:19:26,156
Shine bright like a diamond.
477
00:19:26,271 --> 00:19:27,939
Thank you so much.
478
00:19:28,039 --> 00:19:30,975
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
479
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:32,401
I had killed it,
480
00:19:32,495 --> 00:19:34,262
but no amount of new friend requests
481
00:19:34,366 --> 00:19:35,666
could replace the one person
482
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,494
who had unfriended me in real life.
483
00:19:37,597 --> 00:19:39,130
Told you you could do it.
484
00:19:40,861 --> 00:19:43,629
Hey. You showed up.
485
00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:49,319
And what happened to me
not needing you anymore?
486
00:19:49,464 --> 00:19:50,565
Are you kidding?
487
00:19:50,655 --> 00:19:52,256
You didn't sign Linda's birthday card
488
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:53,856
because your nails were wet.
489
00:19:53,954 --> 00:19:57,623
What about the tardiness
and the petty-cash fraud?
490
00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:01,099
Not to mention your tendency
to use emojis in work memos.
491
00:20:02,149 --> 00:20:03,616
Your rudeness to children.
492
00:20:03,714 --> 00:20:04,481
Hey.
493
00:20:04,564 --> 00:20:05,698
Constant gum-chewing.
494
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:07,489
And that landline I gave you,
495
00:20:07,591 --> 00:20:10,293
which has been off the
hook for at least 24 hours.
496
00:20:10,413 --> 00:20:11,247
Oh, God.
497
00:20:11,331 --> 00:20:13,332
I'm sorry.
498
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,507
Come on.
499
00:20:21,228 --> 00:20:22,061
Thank you.
500
00:20:22,132 --> 00:20:24,700
Sync & corrections by madhatters
www.addic7ed.com
501
00:20:24,826 --> 00:20:26,860
Aah. Aah.
502
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:29,036
I heard someone in here
503
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,099
has a burning pee-pee!
504
00:20:32,715 --> 00:20:35,017
You're not a child.
505
00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:36,731
But I acted like one.
506
00:20:38,497 --> 00:20:40,164
Did Henry send you?
507
00:20:40,266 --> 00:20:41,232
No.
508
00:20:43,836 --> 00:20:46,872
I want to apologize for
writing those stupid reviews.
509
00:20:46,999 --> 00:20:49,501
Well... Thank you.
510
00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:54,785
And I'm gonna make it up to you
by writing a new one that says
511
00:20:54,923 --> 00:20:57,291
you reconstructed my oopsy and
gave me one of your kidneys.
512
00:20:57,406 --> 00:20:58,050
Please, don't do that.
513
00:20:58,051 --> 00:21:00,352
False reviews of any kind
are a strict breach of...
514
00:21:00,465 --> 00:21:02,733
Even if they come from the
Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia?
515
00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:04,780
Especially if they come from
516
00:21:04,886 --> 00:21:07,688
the Urine-versity of
Southern Bladderfornia.
517
00:21:07,811 --> 00:21:09,979
Ah.
518
00:21:10,089 --> 00:21:12,123
Now, if you will excuse me,
519
00:21:12,232 --> 00:21:14,733
I have some actual patients to see.
520
00:21:15,666 --> 00:21:16,399
Yeah.
521
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:18,217
Bye.
522
00:21:18,303 --> 00:21:19,871
And that's when I realized...
523
00:21:19,969 --> 00:21:22,337
Julia and I may never be friends,
524
00:21:22,452 --> 00:21:25,020
but at least I was the bigger person.
525
00:21:25,070 --> 00:21:29,620
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