All language subtitles for Sullivan and Son S03E01

Greetings,
Sullivan & son riffraff.

Hey, guys.
Happy anniversary.

Thanks, Steve.

Oh, there you are.

Hi, mom.

Happy anniversary
to my favorite son.

He's not your son.

I'm sorry.

Did my middle child who quit
being a lawyer say something?

You should be out celebrating.
What are you doing here?

We thought we'd stop by

and show you what
truly happy people look like.

I wish you people

could have that kind
of confidence behind the wheel.

Holy shit.
You're still alive?

I bet you say that
to all your patients.

Hey, dad, can you believe
it's been 10 years

since you walked me
down the aisle?

10 years?
You kids are still newlyweds.

I have to be
the luckiest man in the world

to score such a trophy wife.

Yeah, with those horse legs, she
could win the breeders' cup.

Okay, okay, okay!
Hey.

Let's celebrate the happy day

with a bottle
of our very finest.

Bring it to
the corner booth, Steve.

I want to be alone
with my beautiful butterfly.

Look at the way
she shuffles, huh?

She makes me so horny
it should be illegal.

There is no man more passionate

than the groom
on his wedding day.

Brings back memories.

Carol, you were never married.

I didn't say it was my wedding.

A married man
on his wedding night?

And the bride.
I-I wouldn't leave her out.

After all,
it's her special day.

Listen, I didn't get you
an anniversary present

because I didn't want to get you
something you'd hate, you know?

So, whatever you want, name it.

Remember,
you're a doctor's wife.

You're not like these people.

Well, to be honest,

I've always sort of wanted
a minivan.

A dentist could get you that.

This is an important milestone.
You need to dream bigger.

Um... you've never
given me a rolex.

You've never
taken me on a cruise.

You've never given me an orgasm.

You've never taken me to Paris.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What was that thing
before Paris?

Rolex?

No, after that.

- Rolex?
- No!

You said I'd never
given you an orgasm.

Look, it's not a big deal.

Honey, don't take this
the wrong way.

It's just something
that we can get better at.

It is a big deal.

I want our marriage
to have everything.

Maybe this is not the best time
to talk about this.

Let's just celebrate.

Happy anniversary.

Yeah.

Happy, happy.

Sync and corrections by bellows
www.Addic7ed.Com

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Hey, Jack!
I've got the map!

Ah, yes.
The battle of Shiloh.

I love civil war
reenactment time.

I hope you're in shape.
I know I am.

I'm down to 60% body fat.

Why do you guys even do this?

For this.
It's the crystal cannonball.

It commemorates
the north's victory every year.

According to my crystal ball,

your lucky streak
is about to end.

It's not a streak, Hank.
It's history.

And so is your freedom, Roy.

Because this year
the South will rise again!

Well, we all know

there's nothing else
rising on you down South.

Steve, Steve.
I need to talk to you.

Sure.
What's up, Jason?

For the first time in my life,

I have a problem that
I can't solve with money,

intelligence, or my
stunning good looks.

Yesterday, I discovered
something shocking.

I've never taken my wife

to the... you know,
promised land.

Susan wants to go to Israel?

I can't give your sister
an orgasm.

I liked it better

when we were talking
about the Middle East.

This can't be true.
I'm an amazing lover.

I'll take your word on that.

B-but I need your help.

I want my marriage
to have everything.

I mean,
how do I make it happen?

I'm your wife's brother.

There's got to be somebody else
you could talk to.

You'd think, huh?

I'm just worried I'm gonna lose
my beautiful wife.

You're not.
If the jam ain't sweet,

she'll get it
across the street.

You're overreacting, Jason.

I tell you.
She's gonna leave me, man.

Susan's not going anywhere.

You think I don't see
how guys look at her

when she gets back
from supercuts?

What's his problem?

It's not easy being married
to a supermodel.

Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about.

Hey, Jack.
Need a refill here.

Excuse me.

There's a whole lot
of research out there

that shows that many women

have extreme difficulty
in achieving physical climax.

Masters and Johnson
puts the numbers at 50%.

So, you're saying the problem
I'm having with Susan

is not my fault...
It's hers.

No, what I'm saying is if
you get her to totally relax

and are completely
in tune with her body,

you can make it happen.

Right!
It's her fault!

Beer's on me, boys.

Is this a trick?

No. I'm celebrating.

I just overheard Carol
talking to Jason about Susan.

Turns out scientific studies
prove that 99% of all women

are incapable
of having an orgasm.

I hear it's higher.

Well, that explains so much.

All the women
I've ever slept with

are physically incapable
of ringing the bell.

Which is why the considerate
thing to do is not even try.

What are you talking about?
Susan can ring the bell.

He's not talking about
that kind of bell, Owen.

For once, I know.

Back in high school,

the big o gave Susan
the "big o."

- What?! - What?!
- What?!

Sorry, dude.

You weren't
supposed to hear that.

You slept with Susan?

I don't know
if we actually slept,

but I know I gave her
an orgasm.

All right, big man.
You're about to feel the pain.

Come on, Jason!
You don't have to do this!

Dude, stop!
Let's just talk!

I don't want to
tell you this, dude,

'cause it might
make you madder,

but this is the same position
I had your wife in.

Have fun, Hank.

Fun?!
War is hell, Jack.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for a new strategy.

Hank, you're the South.
Your strategy is, you lose.

- Not with these new recruits.
- You got ringers?

They're not ringers.
They're disgruntled Navy seals.

What are you doing, Hank?
It's a reenactment. I win.

And what's that on your belt?

It's a stun gun.
I'm a soldier from the future.

Give me that.

You're right, Jack.
Let's stay true to that era.

Back then,
it was a much simpler,

more innocent time.

You mean
when there was slavery?

See? Roy gets it.

Can I get you guys
another pitcher?

Owen, are you gonna tell him?

- No.
- Tell me what?

Remember that agreement we made
back in high school?

The boner pact. Yeah.

He broke it.

You slept with
someone else's mom?

- Worse. A sister.
- You slept with someone else's...

Wait a minute.

I'm the only one
with a sister here.

- All these years, and you never
told me? - I thought I did.

I would have
remembered that, Owen!

You were at hockey practice.

Your sister and I were
watching "Boy meets world."

And I remembered Susan
bringing me into your room.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, God. You were on my bed.
- And your desk.

- Oh!
- Oh!

And the green TV tray.

I ate my cheez-its
on that.

Friends don't do this
to each other.

Boy, he's pissed.

He should be.
You broke the boner pact.

Hey.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

You just want to talk, right?

Yes.

Listen.
I was in my car.

It's a BMW, obviously.

And I was incredibly upset.

7 series, hybrid.

Then I suddenly realized,
I may have overreacted.

This thing between you and Susan
happened a long time ago.

I should just get over it.

It's so good
to hear you say that, Jason.

And if it makes you
feel any better,

I didn't even enjoy it
that much.

Who wants to do anything
for five hours?

I'll kill you, man!

Jason, stop!
Calm down!

Sit over there!

Are we good?
Okay, then.

There's another way
of looking at this.

- Owen has knowledge.
- I do.

What is this knowledge
you speak of?

Really?
What does Owen know?

Well, he has valuable... intimate
information about your wife

that could be very useful
to you.

What have I got to lose?

My self-esteem has sunk
to the level of a male nurse.

What exactly do you remember

about making my wife...
You know?

Fine. I'll show you.

But this time,
I'm using a condom.

No, Owen.

Just tell Jason
in graphic detail

how you did Steve's sister.

I just need
practical information.

For instance, did you
manipulate the areolas?

That depends.
What are areolas?

Nipples. Did you do anything
to the nipples?

Mine or hers?

I can't do this!

Perhaps I can be of assistance.

Yes.
You should ask my mom.

She taught me everything
I know about sex.

Does that surprise
anybody here?

I believe
it's a mother's responsibility

to teach their sons
how to pleasure women.

So true.

I mean, how else
are we gonna break the cycle

of women never
being able to climax?

It's around 50%.

I think it's 99%.

Sure, keep telling
yourself that.

Let's go through
the checklist, mom.

When you were with Susan,

did you make sure
she was comfortable

while you were
preheating the oven?

Check.

And then did you
slowly knead the dough?

Double-check.

And then I pounded furiously
and repeated as necessary.

And did you remember
to flip over halfway through?

Seriously, we are all
going to court someday.

Okay, I'm confused.

All I know right now is
I'm horny and I want biscuits.

Why do I bother talking to
people with inferior intellects?

You know what, Jason?
Did it ever occur to you

that sex is an
intimate experience

that two people share
as equals?

Why's a paramedic
talking to me?

See?
Between you and your ego,

there's probably not enough room
for Susan in that bed.

Ego?!
Why does everyone assume

that just because you're
a God-like, life-saving surgeon,

you have an ego?!

Well, then you know what?

You're gonna have a hard time
satisfying a woman.

'Cause I got news for you.
Women have orgasms in here.

Boy.
You are clearly not a doctor.

I'm going with her.
Preheat, knead, pound, repeat.

- Don't forget flip!
- Got it.

Then I'm getting a whole
shitload of biscuits.

Mom, can I talk to you
for a minute?

I'm pretty busy with my yogurt.

I just wondered if I could
talk to you about... sex.

Oh, God,
aren't you a little old

for the "scorpion
and the frog" talk?

I really need you right now.
I'm having marriage trouble.

Oh, boy.
We're doing this, aren't we?

Yes, and I need you to listen
and not make jokes.

Okay.
So, here's what happened.

I told Jason he's never
really pleased me in bed.

Now I have to make a joke.

Mom!

All right. All right. I'll just
do it silent to myself.

Okay. Continue.

Now Jason is obsessed.

He keeps trying to please me,
and it's exhausting.

I've tried everything with him

and I just can't make...
It happen.

What do I do?

You fake it.

Mom, I've never faked it.

I've just always smiled
and said, "thank you."

We are a polite people.

But that's going to
have to change.

I don't want to lie to him.

Susan, if you don't lie
to your husband,

your marriage has no integrity.

They have to be your first,
your best,

and also
the biggest down there.

Even if I wanted to fake it,
I don't know how.

I see it's time
for me to teach you

what my mother taught me
and her mother taught her.

Marriage is a sacred bond
between a man and a woman.

And the glue that holds
all of that together

is a whole lot of fake moaning.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Yes!

Oh, that's the sweet spot, baby!

Don't stop!

Yes! Yes!

You get the idea?

Wow.

And ew!

I could never do that.

Well, you better learn,

or you're gonna lose
your doctor husband.

Okay.
I'll give it a try.

Oh! God!

Oh! Yes!

Aah!

Is everyone okay?

I heard a horrible sound.

It's Susan practicing
her sex noises.

Human sex noises?

It's a work in progress.

- Melanie, how do you fake an orgasm?
- Well, I don't.

I always believe that everything
between a man and a woman

should be open and honest.

Now ask her what doctor
she's married to.

Okay, let's try again.

This time,
when you're faking it,

think of something
that gets you excited.

For me, it's reading
the "pennysaver."

It gives me multiple coupons.

Hey, Steve.

When did we get
the new bar snacks?

Oh, God.
I-I'm sorry.

Did I forget to tell you?

I was going to
in about 15 years.

Are you still mad?

- About you doing my sister
and not telling me? - Yes.

Okay, so I broke
the boner pact.

But as you remember, we have
an agreed-upon punishment.

You get to punch me
in the nut sac.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- Come on.

How are we gonna stay friends
if you don't?

Steve, please.
Punch me in the nuts.

You would like that,
wouldn't you?

Well, not at first.

But after we're friends
again, totally.

I won the civil war!

And Abe Lincoln can suck it!

Hank, come on.
How did you win?

Because the bus carrying
my troops broke down.

Well, frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn.

Hank, you know
you didn't actually win.

I did, too. You forfeited
and this baby is all mine.

Hank Murphy
has rewritten history

and, America, you're welcome.

Whoa, whoa. You don't look happy.
It's official.

I'm a failure as a lover
and as a man.

I've tried everything

and I cannot make
my wife's toes curl.

Did you put your ego aside?

You know, I was so desperate,
I even tried that,

and it just made things worse.

It was so bad,
Susan was actually faking it.

How could you tell?

Because I was still
downstairs at the time.

I knew she couldn't
pull it off.

Only I can fake it perfectly.

She's the best.
Gets me every time.

I don't know
why I'm asking this,

but, dad, you okay with that?

Oh, God, yeah.

Gets me
to "Law & Order" faster.

I'm madly in love with a woman
I'll never truly make happy.

Life isn't worth living.

Uh-oh. Lemonhead's
ready to gut himself.

I'm having a flashback.

Different war, Hank.

You don't know, man!
You weren't there!

Different war again, Hank!

Let's just end it right here!

Jason, stop.

No!
I'm gonna do it!

I'm finally gonna stick
something in something else

and make someone feel something.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Much better, Susan.

Jason, stop this!

I know you want to give me
a perfect experience in bed.

But that's hard for me.

It's hard for me
to experience pleasure.

I don't know why.

Jason, we have a great marriage
because we're willing

to work on all the stuff
that's not perfect.

Look how much
you care about this.

To me, that's everything.

I know that should make me
feel better, but it doesn't.

Also, Jason, you're bigger
than Owen down there.

Well, that can't be true.

You know, I am starting
to feel better.

All you need to know is,

I couldn't love you
any more than I do.

Great, great. Yeah.

But let's go back to
"me being bigger" part.

Let's go home.

Yeah, let's get away
from these crazy people.

See you later, baby carrot.

Nice catch, Roy.

What a shocker. The black guy
caught a round ball.

Easy, colonel Sanders.
I could still drop it.

All right, all right.
You're free.

Give that man a drink.
Drinks all around!

Guess what I just did to Susan.

No hablo inglés.

Relax.
It's nothing sexual.

I just got her
a brand-new minivan.

Hey, I figure if I can't do
everything for Susan,

at least I can knock this
off the list.

I wish I could buy a car
for a girl.

All I can do is get them off.

I'm very happy for you, Jason.
Susan is a lucky girl.

Why am I lucky?

Because I have a big surprise
waiting for you outside.

Give me a hint.

It's not an orgasm.

It's a minivan, fully loaded.

Really?! Oh!

Steve, I know
you're really pissed,

but can you get over
this thing with Susan?

It's killing me.

All right.
Come over here.

You gonna punch me in the nuts?

Yes.

I knew you couldn't stay mad.

Ohh!

Oh, my God! Yes!

That's it!

Jason!! Thank you!

That was real.

Ain't nothing mini in that van.

Two cognacs.
Make mine a double.

You know, Jason,
what I said before

about how our marriage
has everything?

Blah, blah, blah.

This is way better.

Hear that, peasants?
My wife is satisfied.

And it all happened
in a minivan

I bought below cost.

Below cost?

Oh, God!

Jack, storage room!
Now!

Ugh.
My mom and my sister.

What is it,
two-for-one orgasms?

Gives a whole new meaning
to "happy hour."