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1
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,109
I'm so glad you're
my physics lab partner, Breezy.
2
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:36,438
Sure, I could've gotten an easy A
teaming up with a Korean kid...
3
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,468
...but I prefer a challenge.
4
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,870
Oh, Bud.
5
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,954
I've watched you every day
in Quantum Mechanics.
6
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,431
I just love the way
you glide your fingers sensuously...
7
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,552
...over your Texas Instruments.
8
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:57,913
Take me.
9
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,150
Another dream, Dad?
10
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,315
Another dream, son.
11
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,916
- Why didn't you stop me?
- There's a game on.
12
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,036
Sorry about that, Dad.
13
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,999
I haven't slept much because
I'm studying for a scholarship.
14
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,518
The test is tomorrow and if I ace it,
I'll get to study at Oxford.
15
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,151
You have heard of Oxford?
16
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,711
Heard of it?
Hell, I've been selling them for years.
17
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,516
Actually, Dad,
Oxford is a university in Eng--
18
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,035
Cheerleader routine, son.
19
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,114
Fine, but I gotta study,
so can you try to keep it down?
20
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,157
Gotcha.
21
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,075
Cut to the left. Cut to the left.
22
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,834
Now. Go for the end zone.
23
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,877
I thought you were watching
cheerleaders.
24
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,271
I am. Damn cameraman's
shooting their faces.
25
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,591
Dad, remember, the scholarship?
26
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,116
Son, remember, your room?
Why don't you study upstairs?
27
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,115
Because Kelly's
blasting music in her room.
28
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,432
Some band she wants to see,
Otitis Media.
29
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,990
- What a stupid name.
- Otitis Media?
30
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,191
No, Kelly.
31
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:39,716
Never liked that name.
Always wanted to call her Spike.
32
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,551
Of course, I wanted a son.
Never got one. Damn wife.
33
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,952
Dad, can you stop
"seniling" around...
34
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,549
...and turn this game off
long enough for me to study?
35
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,360
This game is important.
The Bears are playing the Rams.
36
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,154
If you lose to the Rams,
you get thrown out of the league.
37
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,433
Why am I fighting?
38
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,274
I know where the quietest place
in the world is.
39
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,274
Bud, I've come to make love to you.
40
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:35,638
I want you to rub my tootsies and
then show me something in a size six.
41
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,109
I only carry a nine.
42
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,911
This is so exciting for me,
mon cheri.
43
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:09,271
Now, if you'll allow me
to nibble on your love grapes.
44
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,839
I found this in back, if you want to
make the one you got jealous.
45
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,032
- Who are you?
- Name's Griff. I work here.
46
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,517
That's funny. Dad never told me
he hired another guy.
47
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,877
- And who are you?
- Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
48
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,118
That's funny.
He never told me he had a son.
49
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,348
- Daughter?
- Nope.
50
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,630
- Wife?
- Not living.
51
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,268
- Four touchdowns in one game?
- Oh, hell, yeah.
52
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,432
That's why I told him to go home.
I couldn't stand it anymore.
53
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,478
Look, this is not what you think.
54
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,230
I've been studying so hard for this
scholarship that I tend to fall asleep.
55
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,517
If you're looking for some
peace and quiet, I won't bother you.
56
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,077
I'm just here because
I don't have any other place to go.
57
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,354
I used to have a place to go.
58
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,676
Then I got divorced.
Now I got two places I don't go.
59
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,436
Yup, divorced.
60
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,796
She got the house,
the car, the money.
61
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,639
I got the right to remain silent.
62
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,109
But that's fair, I guess.
63
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,078
Of course, what really ticks me off...
64
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,078
...is that even Michael Jackson's
married and I'm not.
65
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,311
But I'm not bitter.
66
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,596
You go on back to your studying.
67
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:10,998
Dad, I've got to study, all right?
68
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,549
Go ahead. Who's stopping you?
69
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,071
Get that, will you?
70
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,718
Why do I suddenly feel
I'm in the presence of great evil?
71
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,439
Hi, Mom.
72
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,715
Hi, Bud.
Look, I can't talk long, honey.
73
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,070
I just called to give you
a Grandma update.
74
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,548
The doctors have told us...
75
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,433
...that she can take those
long walks in the woods again...
76
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,871
...as long as she wears
the orange drop cloth.
77
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,870
Oh, yes, and Aunt Sadie ismaking you the cutest sweater.
78
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,997
You know,her eye has stopped leaking now.
79
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,156
Of course, her ear has started to.
80
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,912
And we're hoping, with any luck...
81
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,271
...they'll be able to
separate the twins next Friday.
82
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,078
So, honey, what's going on there?
83
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:55,354
There's this scholarship--
84
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,393
Time's up. Gotta go.
85
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,556
Daddy, guess what I just heard.
86
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,793
Otitis Media is in concert right here
and I have to go.
87
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,554
Please?
It's only a couple hundred dollars.
88
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,711
Kelly, at least have the decency...
89
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,394
...to take the headphones off
when I say no to you.
90
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,953
Please, Dad, I have to go.
It's the greatest band in the world.
91
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,518
Kelly, will you be quiet?
Your brother's trying to study.
92
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,470
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
93
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,278
Guess what. We're going to have
a new addition to our family.
94
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:44,559
Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it,
waiting for it to hatch?
95
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,199
Mrs. D'Arcy,
you're gonna have a baby?
96
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,319
Better. We're gonna have a teenager.
97
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,228
Well, then, can I strongly recommend
that you have a caesarean?
98
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:07,548
No, Kelly.
99
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:12,271
My niece, Amber, is coming from
Los Angeles to stay with us for a while.
100
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:17,514
Bud, you met Amber six years ago
when she was 13. You remember?
101
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,431
Well, I think she's beautiful.
102
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,877
Yeah, but you think Jefferson works.
103
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,594
I don't know about you...
104
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,719
...but when I sweat and don't enjoy it,
I call it work.
105
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,992
Anyway, Amber's parents think
she's been hanging out...
106
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,192
...with the wrong crowd in L.A.,
getting a little too wild...
107
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,949
...so I'm going to teach her
traditional Midwestern values.
108
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,751
What? Wearing print dresses, serving
lots of tuna casserole and getting fat?
109
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,998
Exactly.
110
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,392
And while she's here, you, Al Bundy,
are not to offend her in any way.
111
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,155
And that includes going outside
with your shirt off.
112
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,720
Or bending over
and showing us that vertical smile...
113
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,990
...we've come to know and love.
114
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,750
If you don't like it, why don't you put
her on the other side of your house?
115
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,355
Because our second bedroom
is the only place for her.
116
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:20,319
Excuse me, Marcie,
but that's my billiard room.
117
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,991
Not anymore.
118
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,195
Even my little solarium
where I sit by the window...
119
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,670
...and watch people go to work?
120
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,837
I wave to you each morning
until you've rounded the corner.
121
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,197
You'd take that joy away from me?
122
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,828
What am I gonna do?
123
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,717
Get a job?
124
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,868
No, really. What am I gonna do?
125
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,598
It's Amber's room.
126
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,953
Oh, this is just great.
Now everybody's got a room but me.
127
00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,352
Kelly's got a room,
Bud's got a room, Al's got...
128
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,238
So now I'm no better off than Al?
129
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,392
Hold it up, people! Enough!
130
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,558
I'm gonna put a stop
to this right now.
131
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,637
He's got a gun!
132
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,392
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
133
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,551
This is all the money I have.
134
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,308
So, Dad, here, take some money
and go to the nudie bar.
135
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,153
- The game's not over.
- And the Rams take the field.
136
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,470
Okay, it's over.
137
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,072
Thanks, son.
138
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,995
Kelly, go get yourself
some concert tickets.
139
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,629
Thank you, Bud.
If you weren't my brother, I would--
140
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,469
You'd be surrendering your body for
an ice cream and a pony ride. Get out.
141
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:51,078
Mrs. D'Arcy, take Amber to
the groomers. I mean, the movies.
142
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:01,110
- Bud?
- Yeah?
143
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,715
Could I go to the nudie bar with Al?
144
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,995
Oh, finally, some quiet.
145
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,471
It's just you and me now, Buck boy.
146
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,757
I've seen porno filmsthat start like this.
147
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,748
What is it?
148
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,477
Hi, I'm Marcie's niece, Amber.
149
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,792
- You're Amber?
- Yeah. I'm hiding from my aunt.
150
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,589
Do you mind if I get out of these
sticky clothes and take a shower?
151
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:11,677
So now that you've showered
and lotioned up...
152
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,754
...and eaten a banana in front of me...
153
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,873
...what brings you to Chicago?
154
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,953
Aunt Marcie sent me
first-class plane tickets.
155
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,475
- It must have been a great trip.
- It was.
156
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,229
I cashed them in and hitchhiked.
157
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,954
But believe me, hitching across
the country is not as safe as it sounds.
158
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,677
I mean,
there were some people so freaky...
159
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,559
...I almost didn't
get in the car with them.
160
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,511
For instance, there was this one guy
who picked me up outside EI Paso.
161
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,915
Not that I mind sharing...
162
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,155
I guess I should have dressed up.
163
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:24,917
Hey, it's my fantasy.
You'll wear what I want you to wear.
164
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,758
Again, it's my fantasy.
165
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,035
So I said:
166
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:54,233
"There must be something besides
my blouse you can use as an oil rag."
167
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,230
Look at the time. I gotta go.
168
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,318
If Aunt Marcie caught me here,
there's no telling what she'd do.
169
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,238
But I'm sure it would be boring.
170
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,553
- See you.
- See you.
171
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,749
Cute girl.
What happened, wrong house?
172
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,149
No, Dad, that was Mrs. D'Arcy's niece.
That was Amber.
173
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,072
Marcie's niece?
174
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,437
Must be from the unfeathered
side of the family.
175
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,279
Dad, think she and I could ever...?
176
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,954
Not a chance, son.
177
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,832
- Thanks, Dad.
- Hey, what's a father for?
178
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,793
Looking on the bright side,
Amber's living right next door.
179
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,833
So sooner or later,
you'll probably get to see her naked.
180
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,233
But whatever you do,
don't look at Marcie.
181
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,435
I did one time and was clinically dead
for an hour and a half.
182
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,074
Damn leaky rubber woman.
183
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,754
Bud, it's me, Amber.
184
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,720
Amber?
What are you doing over here?
185
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,552
Well, I had to go somewhere.
186
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:37,830
And since Aunt Marcie said never ever,
ever to come over here, here I am.
187
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:47,394
I hurt my neck climbing over the fence.
Could you rub it?
188
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,270
With my hands?
189
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,031
Surprise me.
190
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,997
Wait a minute.I know what's happening.
191
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,312
I'm dreaming again. Yeah, that's it.
192
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,348
As soon as I touch her,I'll be in school without my pants on.
193
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,830
Come on, Bud, rub me. Hurry.
194
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,835
Hey, this is great.
195
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,955
Gee, I hope I don't wake upwith the whole family staring at me...
196
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,552
...again.
197
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,197
Your hands feel so strong...
198
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,799
...especially the right one.
199
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,151
Do you work out?
200
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,758
Kind of.
201
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:53,189
Odd. I don't normallymake fun of myself in my dreams.
202
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,879
Still, this can't be real.
203
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,271
Oh, well, there's only one wayto know for sure.
204
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:06,956
Amber, want to have sex?
205
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,794
Sure.
206
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,992
Yup, it's a dream, all right,but who cares.
207
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,436
It was my first dream
where the girl actually said yes.
208
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,759
Hi, Bud.
209
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,953
Amber?
210
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,431
It's 3 a.m.
211
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,555
Look, I've gotta go...
212
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,078
...but I just want you to know that you're
by far the best lover I've ever had.
213
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,195
It's like you really know your body.
214
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,277
Yeah, well, you can
chalk that up to experience.
215
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,951
I mean, with women.
216
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:30,030
Not that I lay here at night
and feel myself up.
217
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,671
Because that would be
really pathetic and dumb.
218
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:49,308
- Well, I better get back.
- Amber?
219
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:51,275
Can I see you tomorrow?
220
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,593
We'll see.
221
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,912
Kelly?
222
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,952
Next window.
223
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,152
I can't believe it.
224
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:25,113
After I went out of my way to be quiet
so you could study...
225
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,390
...you didn't even
get the scholarship.
226
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,078
Now you'll be here forever,
like your mother.
227
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,797
Like me.
228
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,670
- Don't forget me, Daddy.
- And like Spike here.
229
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,360
You were supposed to be
the Bundy that made it.
230
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,632
Yeah. The Great White Pope.
231
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,514
Don't help Daddy, pumpkin.
232
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,389
Why do you think
we even had a second child?
233
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,235
We knew that nothing
was gonna happen here.
234
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,038
I guess I should be punished, then.
235
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,272
Yes, you should. But how?
236
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,593
I say we put him in a sack
and throw him off the Sears Tower.
237
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,920
Where the hell am
I gonna get a sack?
238
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,676
Dad, whatever you do,
just don't send me to my room...
239
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,235
...especially for a whole week.
240
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:26,988
That would kill me.
241
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,551
You go to your room.
242
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,950
For one week.
243
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,113
You're a cruel but fair man.
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