All language subtitles for Sullivan and Son S02E05

2x05 - Rumspringa

- This is your fault.
- I told you I'm sorry.

What happened, honey?

This jackass turned the back
of my Corolla into an accordion.

What's your name? Keselowski?

These immigrants can't drive.

- I'm from Detroit.
- What do they know about cars?

I-I'm sorry.

- Are you Brad Keselowski?
- Yeah.

- The NASCAR champion?
- That's me.

Honey, you got into a car accident
with Brad Keselowski?

I don't care who he is.
He can't drive for shit.

Actually, he can.

He drives the number 2
Miller Lite Ford Fusion

in the sprint cup series for Penske.

He also writes the cutest
tweets when he's racing.

That's not easy to do
at 200 mile an hour.

Hey, listen, Brad, I'm
really sorry my mom hit you.

Yeah, it's a thrill to meet you, Brad.

And once again, I'm sorry about my wife.

She's never been good behind the wheel.

I didn't hit him!
He hit me!

So, you're asking us to believe

that the NASCAR champion
got in an accident

with a lady of asian persuasion,
and she was not at fault?

Good luck proving that in court.

Really, guys, I'm a terrible driver.

This is my eighth accident this year,

and my insurance premiums
are through the roof.

Is there any way we can just settle
this in cash like real Americans?

I'm gonna need a new rear
quarter panel. That's $450.

A new bumper ... $275.

Matching paint ... that's
about 18 hours of labor

at $95 an hour, which brings it to ...

- $2,629.80.
- You're right.

The asian woman's a good driver
and the NASCAR guy can do math.

This is a good day to die.

- Again, ma'am, I'm really sorry.
- No, it's okay.

But you better come to the bank with me.

I want to make sure this clears.

He's a NASCAR champion.
It's gonna clear.

He looks too skinny to trust.

- Okay. Let's go.
- Hey, ma'am, really quick ...

Can you teach me how parallel park?

Oh, that's easy.
You just bounce between the cars.

Oh, so you do it that way, too?

sync & correction by f1nc0
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Susan. A package came for you.

Oh, good. I was waiting for this.

So, what'd you buy?

Another book on how to
be a below-average mother?

No. For your information,
I bought some toothpaste.

What kind of idiot buys
toothpaste through the mail?

I buy everything this way.
It's cheaper on the internet.

The only problem for you
is you need a credit card.

Oh, then forget it.

Credit cards are a
one-way ticket to debt.

They're for stupid Americans
to buy stuff they can't afford,

and that's why I don't
have a credit card,

and that's why America
is China's little bitch.

Good day, sir.

Is this Sullivan & Son ...
the place of sin and lager?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say
this is your first time in a bar.

I'm in the big city for my Rumspringa.

What's a Rumspringa?

It's how Amish youth test
our commitment to our faith.

At a certain age, we leave our community

to learn about the modern world ...

you know, drinking, drugs, sex.

Have a seat.
The professor's in.

Yep. Those who can't do, teach.

Look at your beautiful ebony skin!

I'm sorry. You're just the
first black man I've ever seen.

Someone's lived a charmed life.

You know, I've always been a fan
of the Rumspringa thing.

I think before you settle down,

everybody should cut loose
and sow their wild oats.

I myself had my own Rumspringa.
It started in 1978, and...

I'm still on it.

You must be Carol Walsh.

- I am.
- I'm Ruth.

Years ago, you helped my father,
Jedediah, through his Rumspringa.

Jedediah.
Oh, I remember him.

My father told me to
come here and find you.

You were so good in helping
him through his Rumspringa.

He thought you might be
willing to help me through mine.

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Oh, I have a list here of
everything I want to accomplish.

- What's that one?
- Oh, use a curse word in public.

Oh, we can knock that out right now.

- Go for it.
- Here?

Of course, honey. It's a bar.
This is the perfect place.

Shit!

Fantastic.

All right, moving on.
What else you got here?

Uh, use electricity,
go to a shopping mall,

have sexual intercourse.

Okay, let's take that last one
and move it to the top.

I'm down with this Rumspringa thing.

I never got to sow my damn wild oats.

I married my wife right
out of high school.

- So, Roy, was your wife your first?
- Technically, yes,

but in high school, I was
the heavy-petting king.

I can't believe you've
only been with one woman.

Why is that so weird?

Because you test drove
at least nine cars

but settled on your first vagina.

Yeah, but it was a good deal.

It gets great mileage, great interior.
I know one thing for sure ...

I'm the original owner.

Look what I found.

This picture was taken in
this very bar in June of 1982

when your father was on his Rumspringa.

- Is that you?
- Yes.

Well, it was 30 years ago.
I was a young girl then.

Is that Hank in the
"Frankie says relax" T-shirt?

Not a fan of the music,
but you could not deny the beat.

Which one is my father?

Oh, that's him.
His face is obscured.

- What's he doing?
- It's called motorboating.

Mom, am I in that picture?

No, honey. You weren't born yet.
You were born...

nine months after
this picture was taken.

C-could that guy be my dad?

Oh, honey, it's so hard to pinpoint.

We're talking June of 1982.
That's an entire month.

But the guy in that
picture could be my dad.

I've always wanted to
know who my father was.

Yeah, I know, honey. We've
been over this a million times.

It's really hard to pinpoint.
We'll never know for sure.

O-oh, and you do look
a lot like my father.

- I do?
- Oh, he's tall like you.

- He has the same color eyes.
- Well, if Jedediah is your father,

- then Ruth could be your ...
- Girlfriend.

Sister.

I don't know. Their family
plays by diffent rules.

Wow, sister?
I have a sister?

Did you hear that, Steve? I have
a little sister, just like you.

I have someone to take care of and
someone who can take care of me.

I've always wanted to be a part of that.

I think you're getting
ahead of yourself.

No, I'm not, mom.
Ruth is my sister. I feel it.

Come here, baby sis.
You got a big brother now.

Hey, Ruth.
Check this out.

I push this button, and
a magic square lights up.

It's like I'm a wizard or something.

Come here.
Follow the light to my truck.

Hey, come on.

Ruth is my sister.

But, Owen, I'm on my Rumspringa.

Yeah, well, that's cancelled.

Attention, everyone ...
this is my new sister, Ruth,

and she's totally off-limits.

Owen, Hankie says relax.

Check out what I did for you, mom.

What is this?

- It's a credit card.
- Oh! Take it back.

You know I don't believe in those.

Mom, this is how you buy things online.

It's where all the bargains are.

Don't you want to save...
big money?

Let me see that.
Well, it is shiny.

And pretty.
I like the mountain background.

Oh! Hologram eagle.

See? It's not so bad.

Look at this site.

Look how cheap everything is.

Ohh.
Those are good prices.

And I can buy all that with this?

- Mm-hmm. Plus free shipping.
- Shut the front door.

Okay.
Look who's buying toothpaste...

- at 87 cents a tube?
- Told you.

Ohh.
Ohh.

"People who bought toothpaste
also bought volumizing shampoo."

Mom, you don't need that.

Well, maybe I do.
I like volume.

Ha! Add to cart.

- Thank you, Susan.
- I love you, too, mom.

Easy, easy!

This is the biggest pizza
you can buy in Pittsburgh.

42 beautiful slices of pizza
with everything on it but vegetables.

They call it the widow maker.

You know, Roy, when your
pizza's bigger than the table,

it means your pizza's too big.

- What's going on with you?
- Well, it occurred to me.

I may have only been with one woman,

but that's no reason why
I can't sow some wild oats.

I'm on my Roy-springa, baby.

And for the duration
of this Roy-springa,

I'm gonna eat, watch, and download
any damn thing I want.

Look, my wife called eight minutes ago,

and I still haven't called her back.

Roy-springa, bitch!

Oh, my god.

- Look at the hottie with your mommy.
- That's my sister.

I'd appreciate it if you kept
a civil tongue in your head.

You know, if you told me my sister
looked hot, I'd be cool with it.

- You don't have a sister.
- Yes, I do.

That dude with the
mustache is your sister?

Look what I found
underneath this wool dress,

and all it took was a trip to the mall.

Ruth?
You look beautiful.

Aww, thank you, Steve.
But it was all Carol.

She's a wonderful Rumspringa guide...

although I haven't been able

to do much of my list because of Owen.

I know he's been very protective,
but you got to understand,

It's always just been him and Carol.

And now that he's found you,

He's got a lot of
big-brothering to catch up on.

You're a very good friend to him...

and a sweet man.
Steve...

I'd like to give you my bird.

Wow.
Well, it's beautiful. Thank you, Ruth.

I'm gonna put this on my shelf.

Oh, no. You don't understand.
When a girl from my community

gives a man her carved wooden bird,

it means she wants him to
dance in her magic garden.

- When you say magic garden ...
- It's another way of saying lady patch.

Look, Ruth, I-I'm sorry.

You're ... you're a sweet girl,
but I ... I can't take your bird.

But I don't understand.

Owen, please tell Steve to take my bird.

Take her bird, Steve.
Don't be rude.

You don't get it, Owen.

I've selected your best friend,
Steve, to be my first sex partner.

Ruth, will you excuse us for a minute?

Before you freak, I said no.

- You're damn right you did.
- Well, don't get mad at me.

It's her cultural tradition.
It's something on her list.

You're right. This is so hard.

I mean, it seems like just yesterday

she was this innocent girl in a bonnet.

- It was yesterday.
- Doesn't feel like it, Steve.

You know, my whole life, I was
hoping to have a brother or sister,

and these past couple days
have been the best of my life.

I just want to protect her.

You might want to start with that.

Hey, you!

Get away from my hot virgin sister!

Why couldn't you just have a
mustache like Ahmed's sister?

I think it's cool that as a young woman,

Ruth is putting herself
in the driver's seat,

making a deliberate choice.

- Good for her.
- I agree.

And you know who her first choice was?

The Steve man.

Really? The Steve man?

- Yeah. Had to break her heart.
- You know what?

I can see why she wanted the Steve man,

'cause you're sensitive and considerate,

and you wouldn't overwhelm her

because you're probably not that good.

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,

but for the record, I've
gotten thank-you cards.

Oh, I'm sure that they were brief,
just like the experience.

But honestly, Ruth's
way is so much better

than waiting for it to happen randomly,

like at a party or a club or...

a debate-team mixer.

A-a debate-team mixer?
That's where you lost it?

He made a very good argument.
He refuted all my rebuttals.

Can I get a beer, please, Steve?

You know, I was thinking,

when Ruth goes back to Amish country,

maybe I should go with her.

I could see myself on a
farm, living the simple life,

embracing the Amish
culture of love and peace.

Excuse me. I have to
go kick that guy's ass!

That is enough, Owen.

I do not need another
big brother in my life.

From this moment on, leave me alone.

Baby, I'll be home when I'm home.

Roy, will you be my chocolate mustang?

Who's that? No, I-it's
somebody at the bar.

You know what?

A lot of ladies think of
me as a chocolate mustang.

You know, I don't
have to listen to this!

I'm on my Roy-springa!

Mike drop.

Thanks, Danny. Am I going
to see you later,

or is Stan working the late shift?

What the hell is in all these boxes?

Stuff we need.

Two boxes of motor oil,
talking robot vacuum,

and glow-in-the-dark
doggy staircase.

- We don't even have a dog.
- We will tomorrow.

I bought a champion labradoodle.

Now I have 50,000 airline miles,

and there are three Tuesdays in 2019

when I can fly to Denver.

Honey, we can't afford all this.

Yes, we can.
We can afford anything.

- Mom, you're out of control.
- No, wait! Don't!

Susan.

Seriously, I get it.

I probably went a little overboard.

But I'm fine now.

I know this is gonna hurt,
but it has to be done.

Have I told you how
much you are so pretty?

You're so beautiful.
And we'll go shopping,

and we'll buy you wonderful outfits,

and then we'll have lunch and a spa day,

and just a mom and
her pretty little girl.

Now give me the card.

- No.
- Give me the card, you bitch!

You're like a drug
addict with this card.

Look at yourself. What do you see?

I see a woman who
needs six-month supply

of Cindy Crawford face cream.

Look again.

Look at the eyes. They're not happy.

All this stuff you bought,
we don't need any of it.

All you did was build
a mountain of debt.

Oh, my god.
You're right.

I've hit rock bottom.

I'm the lowest of the lows.

I'm American.

- So, how's your Roy-springa coming?
- It's officially over.

- So, was your wife pissed?
- You know what? She wasn't.

Those Amish kind of got it figured out.

Sometimes, you got to change
it up a little, break the rules.

Because of what I did, she
and I are in a better place.

It's a lot more balanced now ... equal.

She knows I'm a force
to be reckoned with.

J-just two minutes,
baby. I'm leaving now.

I'm, uh, looking for an Owen Walsh.

- Uh, hey, Owen.
- I'm Owen.

Uh, I received your message.
I'm told my daughter's in trouble.

That, she is... dad.

Father? What are you doing here?

I called dad.
Actually, I called the feed store,

and they ran down and got him.

Why does he keep calling me dad?

'Cause we figured it out.
I'm your son.

30 years ago, when you
and my mom knocked it out,

nine months later, I came along.

Bring it in, Lincoln.

Father, this is Carol.

This is who you had
your Rumspringa with.

I'm sorry, I ...
I-I-I don't remember you.

Look, I-I suppose it's
time I told you the truth.

When I was a young man, I
never went on a Rumspringa.

I was too timid.

But then I got married and
you children came along,

and, well, when your mother
passed, it ... it was too late.

Uh, you were the Rumspringa
guide for my brother, Jebediah.

Jebediah with a "b."

- So he's not my dad?
- I'm afraid not, sweetie.

And Ruth isn't my sister.

I just really thought she was.

I-I just really thought I
had someone to look out for

and someone to look out for me.

Man, you've always had that.

You, me, Ahmed, Roy.

We've always been there for each other.

And we always will.

And, hey, if it makes
you feel any better,

you can always borrow my sister.

She'll make you feel
like the pretty one.

Hey, Ruth, I'm sorry.

I guess I ruined your
Rumspringa for nothing.

Oh, it's okay, Owen.
I know it was because you cared.

For two wonderful days, I was a
big brother and you were my sister.

And even though we're not related,

you'll always be special to me.

So, what are you doing later?

Jedediah, is there any age limit
to this Rumspringa concept?

Uh, not that I recall.

So, pretty much, you can do it
at any time, at ... at any age?

Why don't you take your
friends out for an ice cream?

Honey, look at all these bills.

How are we gonna pay for all this?

Well, we'll just have to make
the minimum payment until we die.

Susan, can you talk to your mother?

I've got to walk the labradoodle.

Mom. What are you gonna do?

I'm going to have to do something
I never thought I would do.

I'm going to have to dip into my stash.

I knew you had a stash.

All my life,
I worked every day of the week.

Your father and I, we
never took a vacation.

I scrimped, I saved, we did without.

But it was worth it because
savings give you security.

And here's mine.

Oh, my god. Is that solid gold?

It's plaster ...
a decoy to fool thieves.

I knew if they broke in here
and held a gun to my head

and told your father, "give us
your money or your wife dies,"

he'd give them the money...

instead of letting them
shoot me in the head,

as I gave him explicit
instructions to do.

I know you don't trust banks,
so where's all your money?

I wear it.

These are my nest-egg
buttons. Pure gold.

I also have a couple of track suits
with platinum zippers.

And upstairs in the
freezers in the ice trays ...

conflict diamonds.

Why are you telling me this?
Are you gonna kill me?

I tell you because you help me
when I was crazy with the credit card,

and because you are my daughter.

You deserve to know.

That means a lot to me, mom.

I want you to know something.

If thieves do break into the house
and put a gun to your head,

I would definitely let them shoot you.

My beautiful baby!

sync & correction by f1nc0
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