All language subtitles for (hdpopcorns.com) The Jerk (1979)

Huh?

I am not a bum.

I'm a jerk.

I once had wealth, power,

and the love
of a beautiful woman.

Now, I only have two things.

My friends

and...

uh...

my thermos.

Huh?

My story?

Okay.

It was never easy for me.

I was born a poor black child.

I remember the days

sittin' on the porch
with my family

singin' and dancin'
down in Mississippi.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

♪♪ (SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(NEIGHING)

(MEOWING)

Boy, I hope
everybody's good and hungry.

I know I am.

FATHER:
And I'm ready for that.

Here's corn bread
and collard greens.

And I cooked up
those hog maws you like.

Mother, dear, ain't we
forgetting somethin'?

No, I'm not.
Today is Navin's birthday.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Happy Birthday!

Today is Navin's birthday.

And I cooked you up
your favorite meal.

Tuna fish salad on white bread
with mayonnaise

a Tab,
and a couple of Twinkies.

Here, darlin'.

Gee, Mom, thanks.

You're gonna
like that shit, man.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I got you a present.

Gee, Elvira.

I made it myself.

We got you somethin', too.

A whole half bottle
of Lilac Vegetal.

It's from both of us.
Gee.

(CHUCKLING)

I drew you this picture.

Here.

(CHUCKLING)

NAVIN: Thank you.

I want you to have my Zippo.

Gee, Dad,

you had this since the war.

Thanks.

(CHOKING)
Thanks, everybody.

God bless us, every one.

Navin.

(SNIFFLING)

Well, will you pass me the
potatoes and the collard greens?

Navin, darlin'?

I'm sorry
I spoiled the party, Mom.

Aw, you didn't spoil the party.

Navin, I brought you a Twinkie.

I'm not hungry right now.

You feelin' different again,
huh?

It's like I don't fit in.

It's like I don't belong here.

(SNIFFLING)

It's your birthday,
and it's time you knew.

Navin, you're not
our natural-born child.

I'm not?

You were left on our doorstep.

But we raised you
like you were one of us.

You mean
I'm gonna stay this color?

(CRYING)

Navin, I'd love you

if you were the color
of a baboon's ass. Come here.

Uh, Navin...

Navin, I... I wrapped
your sandwich in cellophane,

just like you like it.

You, uh, wanna come in
and sing some blues?

No thanks, Taj.

There's somethin'
about those songs,

they depress me.

(CHUCKLING)
Come here, darlin'.

(LAUGHING)

♪♪ (SCATTING)

That's it, darlin'.

You're gettin' the rhythm, see?

♪♪ (CONTINUES SCATTING)

MALE ANNOUNCER: And that concludes
this Sunday Night Gospel Hour

live from the Four Square
Gospel Church

at the Divine Salvation
in St. Louis, Missouri.

The Rev. Williard Willman,
Pastor.

And now,
Music Throughout the Night.

Music in a mellow mood.

♪♪ (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Grandma!

Grandma!

What happened?
What happened?

Don't touch that radio!
Don't touch it!

Turn it up! Turn it up!

This is unbelievable!

I've never heard
music like this before!

It speaks to me!
Taj, Dad.

This is unbelievable.
Now watch. Now watch.

♪♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON RADIO)

Yeah.

Well, if this is out there,

think how much more
is out there!

This is the kind of music
that tells me

to go out there
and be somebody!

But, Navin.

Let him go.

Son, now that you're goin'
out into the world,

there's, uh, somethin'
you should know.

(WHINNYING)

You see that?

Yeah.

That's shit.

(GOAT BLEATING)

And this, Shinola.

Shit.

Shinola.

Son, you're gonna be all right.

Now what town are you
gonna try for first?

Well, I thought
I'd try to go to St. Louis

'cause that's where that
radio show was coming from.

And remember,
the Lord loves a workin' man.

Lord loves a workin' man.

And Son, don't never,
ever trust whitey.

Don't trust whitey.

The Lord loves a workin' man,
don't trust whitey.

(GOAT BLEATING)

Oh, baby.

Daddy.

Pierre. Come here.

Don't you forget
to grow up now.

Good luck.

Send me a picture postcard.

Don't forget, baby.

Okay, okay, let the boy go.

Bye.

We got work to do.

And I hope you find whatever
it is you're looking for.

(HENS CLUCKING)

I will, Ma.
I know it's out there.

It's out there all right,
and if you catch it,

see a doctor and get rid of it.

See a doctor and get rid of it.

Good luck.

The Lord loves a workin' man.

Don't trust whitey.

See a doctor and get rid of it.

Bye, Grandma.

(DOG BARKING)

(SIGHING)

Oh, I sure do miss Navin.

ELVIRA:
Is he ever comin' back?

Take away his place settin'.

It's making us too goddamn sad.

I wonder
if he's doin' all right.

Hey, Navin, how you doin'?

Don't worry 'bout me.

I think I see a car comin'.

No wait, it's a truck.
It's a truck.

Oh, Lord,
take care of our little boy.

(TRUCK APPROACHING)

I'm hitchhikin'.

How far you goin'?

St. Louis.
How far are you goin'?

To the end of this fence.

Okay.

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm Navin Johnson.
What's your name, sir?

Here we are.

Okay.

Thanks for the company.

NAVIN: I hope I can
repay you someday.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(SNORING)

(DOG BARKING)

Well, what is it, boy?
Are you lost?

(BARKING)

Do you want to play?
Is it trouble?

(YELPING)

Trouble?
Is it an accident?

A drownin'?
A fire?

Fire.

(EXCLAIMING)

Gosh, we've got
to warn everybody.

I've heard about dogs like you.

You're gonna be famous.

You're gonna... You're gonna
get your picture taken,

and they'll put it
in the paper.

Gosh, this is excitin'.
You saved my life.

Come on, let's warn everybody.

Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Fire! It's a fire!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

There's a fire!
Everybody! Wake up.

There's a fire!

This dog,
he's saving everybody's life!

He's unbelievable.

He's some dog.
He's a lifesaver.

NAVIN: That's what I'll call him, too.
Old Lifesaver.

That's gonna be your name!

(SIREN WAILING)

Folks? False alarm.
There's no fire.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, mister, don't
call that dog "Lifesaver."

No?

Call him "Shithead."

Good. Shithead.

It's excitin'.

It's just exciting to have
this kind of life on the road.

A guy and his dog.

(TRUCK HONKING)

MAN:
St. Louis?

No. Navin Johnson.

No, do you want a lift
to St. Louis?

Oh! Okay, thanks.

Hop in.

NAVIN: This will be fine.
Right here.

(BARKING)

Thank you.

Where you goin'?

To the bathroom.

You gotta have a key.

Can I get one?

My key is for customers
who buy gas.

Oh!

I'm buying gas.

I don't see no car.

I... I just need enough
for my lighter.

Oh, look at this.

And my wife wanted me
to stay home today.

Look what I would have missed.

A complete fill-up
for a whole lighter, huh?

It's on that wall.

Thank you.

(CLANGING)

And don't walk away with it.

I won't.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

HARRY:
Hey, pop-top.

Hey, silverbird,
I'm talkin' to you.

Huh?

Listen, you wanna be president
of the Texaco Oil?

Sure.

Then clean up the sink
in there.

Then I'll be
president of Texaco Oil?

Whatever happened
to workin' your way up?

He starts workin' for me
10 minutes

and already
he wants to be president.

Get to work in there.

But, sir, I don't work here.

Not even for $1.10 an hour?

NAVIN: "Dear Folks, I got this
great job in a gas station.

"I don't wanna say
how much I'm getting,

but let's just say
it's a lot."

"I'm enclosing $2."

That's a good boy.

"It's a lot of fun working and
Mr. Hartounian is really nice.

He's teaching me
how to be impatient."

Navin!

"Well, I gotta go now.

What do you think I do,
write letters all day?"

You actually sleep here?

Yes, is that okay?

Come with me.

I got a beautiful little place
for you to stay.

Put the light on.
You're gonna like it here.

Like it?

I love it!
This is fabulous!

I mean,
you got the toilet here.

This must be
the kitchen. No.

You know, what I could do

is take this wall
and just turn it this way

so I've got
a much larger living space,

plus it'll create a flow
into the main living area.

It'll be incredible.

No, no, I'll just
elevate this about 6 inches.

Create the illusion
of two rooms

and yet still have that flow.

Then I can take bookshelves
and put them here.

No, I'll put the books
right over here.

That way I can be relaxed
over here. The customers...

come in and use the urinal.
Navin. Navi.

I won't disturb them,
they won't disturb me.

Take it easy, it's not here.
It's in here.

Oh!

I couldn't afford this, anyway.

Well, this is it.

It's perfect.

I won't have to
change this at all.

Take a look.

No kitchen, no windows,
no chairs, no tables.

It's a masterpiece
of understatement.

I'll put a bed down here,
get a bigger bulb.

I'll bring some sheets
from the house.

You'll be set for life.

Gosh!

How much is this gonna cost me?

Nothin'.

When you're rich and famous,
you'll send me a postcard.

A postcard, huh?

Okay. It's a deal.

It's a deal.

What are those?

HARRY: Step outside
for a second, darlin'.

Navin, this is my wife, Lenore.

Lenore, this is Navin.

Pleased to meet you.

Navin, do you know why
a woman of such pulchritude

is married to a man like me?

'Cause I make a very
comfortable living.

And this is the first time I'm
leaving you alone on a Sunday.

If anything should happen
to this station,

this woman would
leave me like a...

In other words,
there would be no more, uh...

Do you know what
I'm talkin' about?

Yes, sir. No more...

So remember, guard
this station with your life.

Because my sex life
is in your hands.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(BELL TINKLING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

I can fix those shocks.

No, no, we just want
some gas, muchacho.

Okay, but it's Sunday.
We got to have a credit card.

(EXCLAIMING)

Then all the cash is locked up?

Oh, no, not locked up.

We got a lot of cash.

It's just that
the banks are closed,

and I'm not allowed to have
cash coming in or going out

'cause I'm here alone
for the first time.

I don't want
anything to happen.

And you know, you flash this kind
of wad in front of some people,

they'll kill you for it.

So we got to
have a credit card.

Hey, Trin, have you got
a credit card in there?

Huh?
Credit card. Hola.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, no thanks, I don't smoke.

What kind of cigarette is that?

A joint.

Joint?

They don't make 'em very good.

Master Charge do?

Yeah, that's fine.
We take Master Charge.

You want a fill-up,
uh, Mrs. Nussbaum?

Oh, I'm Mr. Nussbaum.

Yeah, that-that's
his wife's card.

His wife's card, huh?

Yeah, I'll vouch for him.

Okay, as long as
we've got a voucher.

(MEN SPEAKING SPANISH)

(MEN LAUGHING)

Stolen?

(MEN CHATTERING)

(MAN CHUCKLING)

I got it.
Just send a police car over.

Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card.

I got the guys who stole it.

(HONKING)

Hold on, they're calling me.

I'll be right back.

(CAR HONKING)

(MEN CHATTERING)

Yes?

Yeah. Throw a couple of tires
in the trunk.

Put it on the card. Radials.

NAVIN: Okay.

Make them whitewalls.

Yes, sir, Mr. Nussbaum.

I'm back. Only,
it's worst than I thought.

They're not only
sticking us for gas,

but they're grabbing tires
and everything.

They're really
socking it to us.

Yeah, it's Hartounian's
Gas Station at the corner.

Hang on a second.

I don't want to
get them suspicious.

Don't worry,
I can keep them here.

I saw this trick in a movie.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

Got your tires.

MAN: Yeah, yeah, good.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

Anything else?

Yeah.

We'll take that money
you got in your pocket.

Oh, sure.
I'll just put it on the card.

Hey, guess what?

You are our
eighth customer today.

You won a free oven mitt.

Hah! I'll go get it for you.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, I'm back. Uh-huh.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, they're gonna be here
for a while.

Don't worry. I rigged it.

You guys wanna stick around
for an oven mitt?

Nah!

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SQUEALING)

Hang on just a second.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Um, they might
not be here exactly,

uh, when you get back

but, uh, it's a...
It's a blue Chevy two-door,

and it'll be going south
on Hertodo Street.

No, I can't make out
the license number

but, uh, it'll be
pulling a small church.

So, any blue Chevy
pulling a small church,

I figure
that-that'd be the one.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Believe me, I'm not mad at you.

What's the matter with you?

What did I lose?
A couple of tires?

Look at the bright side,
we also lost a church.

Gee, Mr. Hartounian.

(BELL TINKLING)

Gee, Mr. Hartounian!

(PANTING)

Oh, my God!

Thank you.

The new phone book's here!
The new phone book's here!

Boy, I wish I could get
that excited about nothin'.

Nothing? Are you kidding?
Page 73.

"Johnson, Navin R."

I'm somebody now!

Millions of people
look at this book every day.

This is the kind of
spontaneous publicity

your name in print,
that makes people...

I'm in print.

Things are going to
start happening to me now.

Johnson, Navin R.

Sounds like a typical bastard.

MADMAN:
Die, Navin R. Johnson!

Bastard.
Random son of a bitch.

Typical
run-of-the-mill bastard.

NAVIN: Fill her up?

STAN: Fill her up, son,
and a little bit extra.

Stan Fox, buying gas.

Navin R. Johnson
selling it, sir.

MADMAN:
Got you, you average, typical,

blocking-of-the-view of a
goddamn average victim bastard.

Check your oil?

Check away,
Navin R. Johnson.

Oil rag at the ready, sir.

Let's check the oil together.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Son-of-a-blocking bastard.

Looks good to me, sir,
but I'd like your opinion.

Damn these glasses.

It looks good to me, too.

Hurry up, son,
time's a-wastin'.

I'm going to the john.

Don't forget
to check those tires.

Damn these glasses, son.

Yes, sir, I damn thee.

Damn.

(MUMBLING)

Damn these glasses!

Sir.

I can fix those glasses.

You can?

Well, here, fix those suckers.

Shit!

Sir? Guess what?
I fixed them.

I was back there thinking,

"What causes glasses
to slip on and off?"

And it's because when
you take them on and off,

you're always putting pressure
on the frames like this.

It causes 'em to spread.

So I put a little handle
right here in the center,

and it puts the pressure on
the bridge where it belongs,

just like the tie rods
on a '72 Buick.

Plus, I put a little
nose break on them here

to prevent slippage. Try it.

Use the handle.

Well, I'll be...

It works.

You know, I make a pretty good
living selling shit like this.

I'll tell you what,

if I can develop this gizmo,

I'll split it with you 50/50.

Okay, how much do I owe you
for the gas?

I got a trunk load of shit
to sell.

$26.41.

Here's $30.
Keep the change.

Wow! Thanks.

MADMAN: Dead center!
Say your prayers, half-breed!

(BULLET WHIZZING)

Hey, Harry.
Look at this.

What's the matter
with these cans?

Die, Milk Face!

(CHUCKLING)

These cans are defective.

They're springing leaks.

Come over here
and look at this.

Listen,
you better run for cover

or you're gonna spring a leak.
Uh?

We don't have defective cans.

We have a defective person
out there.

(GUN FIRES)

He hates these cans.

Stay away from the cans!

Die, gas pumper.

I got to get away
from those cans.

(GUN FIRING)

There's cans in there, too.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

More cans.

Die, you bastard.

(SCREAMING)

He doesn't want to put holes
in the cans.

He wants to put holes in you.

What?

(PANTING)

Milk face bastard!

Oh, my God.
I'm endangering your life.

Cover me.
You're covered.

Suck my toes!

You stay here.
I'll distract him.

(GUN FIRING)

Shithead! Come on!

Come on, boy. Good boy.

"Carnival personnel only."
Damn.

Shithead, come on!

You're not carnival personnel!

Come on, boy, come on.

Hey, he ain't
no carnival personnel.

(TRIGGER CLICKING)

Okay, you move it out.

(ENGINE STARTING)

NAVIN: So, Mom, when I told
Mr. Hartounian I'd come back,

he said "Don't be a putz.
See the world.

Me, you've seen already."

I took his advice and got
a job with SJM Fiesta Shows

as a weight guesser.

Frosty, my boss, told me

there's a big future
in weight guessing.

Enclosed is $4.75
for my loving family.

P.S. Is Grandma still fartin'?

NAVIN: For $1,

I'll guess your weight,
your height, or your sex.

The most exciting thing
on the midway.

Imagine the thrill

of getting your weight guessed
by a professional.

You can blow up your cheeks,
you can stick out your chest,

but you're not going
to fool the guesser.

How about you, sir?
Step right up.

Honey, let's see
how good this guy is.

Now, what do I win?

Uh, anything in this
general area, right in here.

Anything below the stereo,

and on this side
of the bicentennial glasses.

Anything between
the ashtrays and the thimble.

Anything in these three inches.

Right in here, in this area,

that includes the Chiclets
but not the erasers.

No, sir. Come on, honey.

He thought
he had himself a rube.

Frosty, I am just
no good at this.

Oh, come on, Navin,
you're doing fine.

No, I've already given away
eight pencils,

two hula dolls, and an ashtray,

and I've only taken in $15.

Navin, you have taken in $15

and given away 50 cents'
worth of crap.

Which gives us
a net profit of $14.50.

Ah!

It's a profit deal.

(CHUCKLES)

That takes the pressure off.

Get your weight guessed
right here.

Only $1.

Actual live weight guessing.

Take a chance
and win some crap.

Step right up.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, I draw your attention now

to the left side of our midway,

presenting the amazing
Patty Bernstein

doing her special ride through
the Flaming Wall of Death.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(CROWD WHISTLING)

(BELCHING)

Wanna guess my weight, greenie?

I saw you last night.
You were great.

Yeah, right.

Turn around.

What?

Turn around.

Go like this.

You're okay.

Give me a bite
of that corn dog.

What about germs?

Put a rubber on it.

Get on.

FROSTY:
Don't you wear him out.

He's got to work tonight.

What a great place.

(BURPING)

You know, you can tell
so much about a person

from the way they live.

Just looking around here,

I can tell you're
a genuinely dirty person.

What do I do with this?

Oh, you keep it there.

(SIGHING)

Where's your garbage?

Do you know
what I'd like to do?

What?

Guess your weight.

Hey, that would be
interesting for me.

No one has tried
to guess my weight.

You see, I guess
their weights. It'd be sort...

Put your arms up.

This will give me a whole
different perspective on this.

NAVIN: Hey, you're really
trying to be accurate.

Is it getting hot in here?

(GASPING)

Wait a minute!

What's happening
to my special purpose?

What's your "special purpose"?

Well, when I was a kid,

my mom told me
that was my special purpose

and someday I'd find out
what that special purpose was.

Today's the day!

(PANTING)

(NAVIN PANTING)

Hey, this is
like a... a ride.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

"My Dear Family, guess what?

"Today I found out what
my special purpose is for.

"Gosh, what a great time I had.

"I wish the whole family
could have been here with me.

"Maybe some other time

"as I intend to do this a lot

"every chance I get.

"I think next week I'll be
able to send more money

"as I may have extra work.

"My friend Patty
promised me a blowjob.

Your lovin' son, Navin."

And he's got the kisses here.

That Patty
must be a sweet girl.

God bless her.

(COUGHING)

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

NAVIN: Do you ever think
we'll get to know each other

well enough to kiss?

PATTY: We don't have to.
You're my man.

It's like we're married.
Look at my ass.

Gosh!

You have my last name tattooed
right there under the "J's."

First I get my name
in the phone book,

and now I'm on your ass.

You know, I'll bet more people
see that than the phone book.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(HISSING)

End of the line.
This is Engineer Fred.

Come back and visit me again.

WOMAN: Billy.

Billy.

Woo-woo!

Have you seen
a 5-year-old boy, blond hair,

and he's wearing a T-shirt
that says "Bullshit" on it?

No. There was
just one kid earlier,

had a T-shirt that said
"Life sucks" on it.

We got off the roundup
and he said

he wanted to go on the trains.

Well, I don't think...
There he is. Billy!

NAVIN: Hey, come back here!

Billy, come on off that train!

Pull that lever! Pull the lever!
Here, hold that.

And these.

Billy!

And take my keys.
And hold my wallet.

Okay.

Don't touch the Johnson bar.

You'll explode the fuel casing.

And if the Wilson-Smith
indicator gets above 160,

just turn that little...

Billy, I can't take you
anywhere anymore!

There's a little
screwdriver there.

Just put it in,
turn it one-quarter.

We're going into the tunnel.

Don't stand up because the
clearance is only four foot...

Oh, no!

I'm okay. I was protected by the
bill of my Engineer Fred cap.

(PANTING)

Thanks for pulling my cap down.

Oh, Billy.

Billy, you scared me
half to death.

Thank you so much.

It would have been so embarrassing
to go home without Billy.

Oh, here's your gloves
and your oil can

and your wallet.
Oh, and this fell out.

(EXCLAIMING)

Those guys.

Listen, what you did just now
was very brave.

Is there some way
I could repay you?

Repay me?

I could never accept
anything from you

for saving your child.

Oh, he's not my child.

I'm just babysitting
for a friend.

Oh! Would it be too much
if I asked for a kiss?

No.

He's a real little dickens.

Thank you.

Oh, Miss?

I was... I was just
standing here right now and

I was wondering if you weren't
doing anything tomorrow

that maybe you might wanna
go out or...

What?

(BABBLING) I thought maybe you
might wanna go out with me.

Are you trying to ask me
for a date?

Well...

Once for no, twice for yes.

Okay.

Um, you're so cute.

How about 3:30 tomorrow
at the roundup?

Okay.

Do you have any boyfriends?

Not really.

Are they crazy?

If I was a fella,
I'd be around all the time.

Well, see if you can
work it out.

We have a date tomorrow.

What's your name?

Marie.

What's yours?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

It'll give us something
interesting to talk about.

Hi.

What's up, hubby?

I got these for you.

Thanks.

Navin, you know the other day
when I showed you the tattoo?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I forgot
to tell you somethin'.

Oh, really? What?

This.

And that's
what's gonna happen to you

if I ever catch you looking
at another broad.

I'm glad you told me.

And remember,
I did this without anger.

And I stayed away
from your crotch.

Bye, sweetie.

Hi.

What happened?

Oh, it was unbelievable.
These guys jumped me.

Tried to get these flowers.

I got 'em for you.

It's kind of
a traditional date deal.

Yeah, I've heard of that.
What were they?

Uh, couple of dozen roses.

Look like daisy stems.

What?

That guy gypped me.

He put... put daisy stems
on my roses.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, look,
these hoodlums are dangerous.

I think we ought to get out
of here before she sees us.

She?

What?

You said "she."

No. No.
I always call a gang "she."

It's like
when you call a boat "she,"

or... or a hurricane "she."

Or a girl?

A girl.
You can call a girl "she."

That's just one of the many
things you can call "she."

(MEN CHATTERING)

MARIE: Why are you smiling?

NAVIN: You're the first person
I've ever had in my place.

Do you live here?
Oh, it's nice.

So, did you decorate it?

I got all this stuff from
the old Cup O' Pizza place

before they tore it down.

That was really good pizza.

Oh, this is the best
pizza in a cup ever.

This guy's unbelievable.

He ran the old Cup O' Pizza
guy out of business.

Really?

People come from all over
to get this. Uh-huh.

(SIGHING)

You know,
you have beautiful skin.

May I?

Yes.

So smooth and flexible.

I take after my mother's side
of the family.

It's amazing the way it just
snaps back like that. Amazing.

Are you a model?

No.

I'm a cosmetologist.

Really? A cosmetologist?

That's unbelievable.
That's impressive.

It must be tough to handle
the weightlessness.

Can I ask you
a personal question?

What is it?

Now be totally honest.

You do have a boyfriend,
don't you?

Kind of.

I know this is our first date

but do you think

the next time you make love
to your boyfriend,

you could think of me?

Well, I haven't
made love to him yet.

That's too bad.

Do you think
it's possible that some day

you could make love with me
and think of him?

Who knows?

Maybe you and he can make love
and you could think of me.

I'd just be happy
to be in there somewhere.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Does it matter?

Well, I'd like to think
you were available.

Oh, I'm available.

Did you forget about my ass?

No! No, I've been
thinking about it.

She tattooed my name
on her ass.

Not just my name,
a lot of names.

And funny sayings, too.

She's got one up there that
says, "Slippery when wet."

How do you know that?

What is she?
Some great piece of ass?

She's no great piece of ass.

I mean, uh...

Hey, wait... wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

We're all adults here.
Let's reason this out.

Now Marie is the type
of person that if you gotta...

If this gash doesn't
get her buns out of here,

I am gonna drive this bike
up her butt!

While Patty
tends to be more direct.

As for you, farm boy,

(GRUNTS)

we're married!

And as for you, kewpie doll...

You protected me!

You must really like me.

NAVIN AND MARIE:
♪ I know, I know, you belong ♪

♪ To somebody new ♪

♪ But tonight ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Although, although we're apart ♪

♪ You're a part of my heart ♪

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Way down ♪

♪ By the stream ♪

♪ How sweet ♪

♪ It will seem ♪

♪ Once more, just to dream ♪

♪ In the moonlight ♪

♪ My Honey, I know, I know ♪

♪ With the dawn ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Will be gone ♪

♪ But tonight ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Just to little old me ♪♪

♪♪ (PLAYING)

You know,

while you were
playing that just now,

(WAVES BREAKING)

I had the craziest
fantasy that I could

rise up.

Float right down
the end of this cornet.

Right through here.

Through these valves,

right along this tube,

come right up
against your lips,

and give you a kiss.

Why didn't you?

I didn't want to get
spit on me.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Was it good for you, too?

I really do want to kiss you.

But I'm afraid.

I would've kept my tongue in.

No, I mean,

I'm afraid if I kiss you,

I'll fall in love with you.

You will?

And I don't want to.

You don't?

My mother sacrificed everything

to send me through
cosmetology school.

She did?

She has this dream
for me to be something.

She does?

To marry someone with power,

money, vision.

Someone with a special purpose.

I've got one!

I've got a special purpose!

You do?

(EXCLAIMING)
Yes, it's fantastic!

It's great!
It's unbelievable!

And I was afraid
to tell you about it!

Your mother's gonna love me!

Marie, are you awake?

Good.

You look so beautiful
and peaceful,

you almost look dead.

And I'm glad because

there's something I wanna say
that's always been very difficult

for me to say.

I slit the sheet,
the sheet I slit,

and on the slitted sheet I sit.

I've never been relaxed enough

around anyone
to be able to say that.

You give me confidence
in myself.

I know we've only known
each other

for four weeks and three days,

but to me

it seems like
nine weeks and five days.

The first day
seemed like a week.

And the second day
seemed like five days.

And the third day
seemed like a week again.

And the fourth day
seemed like eight days.

But the fifth day,
you went to see your mother.

And that seemed
just like a day.

But then you
came back and later

on the sixth day, in the
evening, when we saw each other,

that started seeming
like two days.

So in the evening,
it seemed like

two days spilling over
into the next day.

And that started
seeming like four days.

So at the end of the sixth day,

on into the seventh day,
it seemed like a total of five days.

And the sixth day seemed like

a week and a half.

I have it written down

but I can... I can show it to you
tomorrow if you wanna see it.

Anyway,
I've decided that tomorrow,

when the time is right,

I'm gonna ask you to marry me.

If that's okay with you.

Just don't say anything.

You've made me very happy.

♪ Oh, I'll see you again ♪

♪ Whenever spring
breaks through again ♪

NAVIN: Honey, sing!

♪ Time may lie heavy between ♪

♪ But what has been ♪

♪ Is past forgetting ♪

♪ This sweet memory ♪

♪ Across the years, will come ♪

♪♪ (MARIE PLAYING CORNET)

♪ To me ♪

♪ Though my world ♪

♪ May go awry ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ Will ever lie ♪

♪ Just the echo of a sigh ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪♪

NAVIN: Honey, who's the
happiest guy in the world?

You are.

That's right.

And who's the happiest gal?

(SHITHEAD YELPING)

That's right.

NAVIN: Honey, guess what?

I wrote a song
for you this morning.

♪ Oh, I'm picking out
a thermos for you ♪

♪ Not an ordinary
thermos for you ♪

♪ But the extra-best thermos
you can buy ♪

♪ With vinyl and stripes
and a cup built right in ♪

♪ I'm picking out a thermos
for you ♪

♪ And maybe a barometer, too ♪

♪ And what else can I buy
so on me you'll rely ♪

♪ A rear-end
thermometer, too ♪♪

NAVIN: Honey?

There's a question
I've been wanting to pop,

but I've been
afraid you'd say no.

But this seems like
the right time and place.

So here goes.

Honey, will you marry me?

(BARKING)

Yahoo!

Come on,
let's seal it with a kiss!

Get in the tub with me!

Not you, Shithead!
Where's Marie?

(SHITHEAD BARKING)

What letter?

"Dear Navin."

(GIBBERING)

...to tell...

...to be...

(GIBBERING)

Marie! Marie!

(SHITHEAD BARKING)
NAVIN: Shithead, come here.

Good idea.

Marie! Marie, why
did you leave me?

I couldn't read the letter.
It was too blurry.

Marie! Marie!

(GROWLING)
Here, boy.

Marie! Marie!

Marie! Marie!

Where are you, Marie?

Marie! Marie!

This is not gonna be easy,
Shithead.

We've been together a long time.

But I gotta head down that road.

And there'll be times out there

when there won't be
enough food for two.

And I won't be able to...

Hey, wait a minute!

I-I'm not done yet!

Come back.
I'm not finished.

I have some more to tell you.

You'll find a family who
can give you a real home,

with loving kids and
a warm fireplace.

I never liked you, anyway.

Now get out of here!

Okay! Okay!
You win. You can go with me.

NAVIN: So, Mom,

with my faithful dog
leading the way,

I'm out to win
the hand of Marie.

You'd love her, Ma.
She looks just like you.

Except she's white and blond.

So, to win her back, I vowed
to make something of myself.

I settled in Los Angeles
and took the money I saved

and rented my first apartment.

"I haven't heard from Marie.

(HEN CLUCKING)

"Things couldn't be worse.

I can only send you
49 cents this week..."

Oh, bless his heart.

That's a good boy.

"...as I've lost all my jobs.

"I've been eating well, though.

"The hospital gives out free meals
of orange juice and cookies.

"And all I have to do
is give them a pint of blood.

I ate there all week.
Three times a day."

A pint of blood?

"I decided to quit

"when I cut myself shaving
and nothing came out but air.

"I have to go now as someone is
staring at me through binoculars.

Your loving son, Navin."

It's him.

Him?

What's him doing here?

Shithead! Shithead!

Attack! Attack! Attack!

(GROWLING)

Not me!

Get off, Shithead!

(SCREAMING)

MADMAN:
You son of a bitch.

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

You're gonna have
to sign for this.

I have to sign
before you shoot me?

I'm not gonna shoot you.

Why not?

That was the old me.

I was a little mixed-up
at that time.

Had a bad marriage
and I just gave up smoking.

I'm okay now.

I'm a private detective.

So long.

NAVIN: Thank you.

"Dear Mr. Johnson.

"Please call on me in Suite

"2655 at
the Century Plaza Tower

"in Los Angeles.

"I have something
of great importance

to impart to you."

Navin! Remember me?

No, but don't feel bad.

Fox.

STAN: Stan Fox!

Remember the gas station?

Boy, you are one hard guy
to find!

You don't remember me.

The glasses handle! Look!

Oh, yeah.

My glasses handle.

Use the Opti-Grab.

Opti-Grab?

Yeah, we call it Opti-Grab.

Opti-Grab.

"Opti," from the eye

and "Grab,"
from where you grab it.

Opti-Grabbing it.

STAN: Navin, my boy,
we're in business.

Fifty-fifty.
Just like we said.

Right in here,
I have your first check

for 250 big ones.

$250?

That's just the beginning. There's
gonna be more. Lots more!

Can I cash this?
Sure.

You can do whatever you like.
It's your money. It's a cashier's check.

Wow!

I can use money.

NAVIN:
Yes, I have a cashier's check

and I'd like to cash it.

How much is it for?

250 big ones.

250 dollarinies.

NAVIN: That's 250 doughnuts.

(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)

You wanna cash this?

Well, I could take
50 of the doughnuts

and deposit
the other 200 beauties.

Have a seat, Mr., uh,

Johnson.

I will need two pieces
of identification.

Ah, yes. I have my

temporary driver's license.

And my Astronaut
Application form.

I didn't pass that, though. I failed
everything but the "Date of Birth."

I didn't get the job.

Everything's in order.

If you'll, uh, just
endorse this, right there.

I need a pen.

Pen. Okay.

Right here. Thank you.

And, uh, fill out this, uh,
deposit slip right there.

All right.

The endorsing and filling out
of the deposit slip.

Two hundred and fifty...

thousand...

"Dear Harry. Guess what?

"I'm rich beyond
my wildest dreams.

"But I haven't
forgotten our deal.

"Here's that postcard
I promised you.

"I'll bet you thought
you'd never get it, huh?

Your friend forever, Navin."

How do you like that?

He promised me a postcard
and he sent me a postcard.

The kid has integrity.

NAVIN: Shithead, come on.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yello. Yes.

Who?

Mrs. Kimball?

You're Marie's mom!

Read about me in the paper?

I've been trying to contact her.
I don't know where she is.

I'd give anything to find out.

That sounds a little high.

How about $75?

Okay.

Okay. What is it?

The May Company in Los Angeles.

NAVIN: Shithead!
I know where she is!

I know where she is!

MARIE: Doesn't that feel good?

Mmm-hmm.

MARIE:
There. Now, we are complete.

Putting on Mask-O Derm
just took a few short minutes

and when we peel it off,
he will look 20 years younger.

Allevei.

Yes, exactly.

Now we'll let this dry.

In the meantime,
we can go pick out

an eye shadow
and lip tint for him.

Now everyone just
follow me this way

because this is
a very interesting line.

I think you'll enjoy this.

With your husband's coloring,

a deep tone would
bring out his lips.

And this Nature Beige will feature
his eyes just wonderfully.

TILLIE: Let's try everything.

What?

Ah!

Let's go unmask Irving.

Everyone, back this way.

We are now going
to peel off our Mask-O Derm.

Irving's skin will
be tighter, firmer,

and he'll look like
a different man.

You'll be amazed.

Get ready, Irving.

(CROWD GASPING)

Jeez! This shit
really worked.

Navin.

Oh, my sweetheart.

(ALL GASPING)

What are you doing to my husband,
you Miss Blondie? Irving!

Irving, are you crazy?

NAVIN: "Dear Mom.

"The big news is,
Marie and I were married.

"We couldn't wait.

"Luckily, we found someone at
the Hollywood View Apartments,

"who could marry us
immediately.

"He was a certified priest.

(EXCLAIMS)

"We were both glad
we had a religious wedding.

"Money hasn't changed
our lives that much.

"Our one little extravagance is

a live-in butler
and housekeeper."

Another check!

(CHUCKLES)

Just as I thought.
Look at that.

Nearly $750,000.

Sir, it would seem with this kind of
income, you could buy a larger house

with proper servants' quarters.

NAVIN: "Mom, remember
my dream of owning

"a big house on a hill?

"How I used to
wish for a living room

"with a plaster lion
in it from Mexico?

"And how I always wanted
a large 24-seat dining table?

"In a dining room
with original oil paintings

"by Michelangelo and Rembrandt?

"And remember how
I always wanted a rotating bed

"with pink chiffon
and zebra stripes?

"And remember how
I used to chitchat with Dad

"about always wanting
a bathtub shaped like a clam?

"And an office with orange
and white stripes?

"And remember how much I wanted

"an all-red billiard room
with a giant stuffed camel?

"And how I wanted a disco room
with my own disco dancers?

"And a party room
with fancy friends?

"And remember how much I wanted

"a big back yard
with Grecian statues

"S-shaped hedges
and three swimming pools?

"Well, I got that, too.

"Marie and I
are getting along swell.

"But I've got a lot to learn about
handling my money and banks.

"You have to be careful.

"Poor Hobart.

"His dear wife Hester
took some money

"out of her savings account and
had to pay a substantial penalty

"for early withdrawal.

Enclosed is this week's check.
Love, Navin."

Sorry about your wife, Hobart.

Federal regulations, sir.

Oh, dear me.

Your wife has given you

another gold chain.

I'd nearly forgotten.

(SIGHING) I suppose, I'm still
not quite over Hester's death.

Well, these things take time.

Yes.

So I'm told.
Oh, here's your drink, sir.

Like the one you
saw in the magazine.

You got the bamboo umbrella
and everything.

See that? Be somebody.

Very good, sir.
Very good.

Oh, uh,

there are some charity people
here to see you, sir.

No! Send them away!

There's a lot of people
more deserving than me.

Ah, but these people
want you to give.

Oh.

Okay.

My name is Father Carlos
Las Vegas De Cordoba.

Father, you seem
like a religious man.

How can I help you?

By giving me three minutes
of your time

so that you can see some film

of a great ugliness that is
spreading in my country.

Oh, God.
I'll bet it's disgusting.

Hobart?

Yes, sir?

Are you over your grief
enough yet to dim the lights?

(CHUCKLING)
Of course, sir.

Well, one can't mourn forever.

You will not believe
what you are about to see.

That human beings
could have sunk so low

that they can take
pleasure to do this

to another of God's creatures.

I hope you have
a strong stomach, senor.

Roll the ugliness.

(MEN YELLING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(KITTENS PURRING)

Good Lord.

I've heard about
this cat juggling.

(MEN HOOTING)

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!

Good.

Father, could there be a God
that would let this happen?

How much do you want?

MAN: If your initial
investment is $500,000,

and your apartments
are up in March,

you should have
"X" amount of dollars

rolling in
by the end of this year.

NAVIN: Ah! "X" amount.
That's very good, isn't it?

MAN #2: Not only that,
you can depreciate

the entire building
for the full amount.

NAVIN: Depreciate? Very good.
Hmm. I like that.

We found a way to get around
this Fair Housing crap.

Ah! Good. Getting around
the crap. That's good.

By keeping the rents high, we're going
to appeal to a select class of people.

Select class.
Very, very good.

We'll keep the eggplants out.

Ah, good.
We don't want any vegetables.

No, no.
The jungle bunnies.

Of course.
They'll eat the vegetables.

Boss?
Can I... can I talk to him?

We're gonna keep out
the niggers.

The what?

The niggers.
We'll keep 'em out.

Yeah.

Sir, you are talking
to a nigger!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

MARIE:
Don't be so hard on yourself.

How could you know
that was Iron Balls McGinty?

Your escargots. Salad.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Would monsieur care for another
bottle of the Chateau Latour?

Ah, yes, but no more 1966.
Let's splurge.

Bring us some fresh wine.

The freshest you've got.

This year's.
No more of this old stuff.

Oui, monsieur.

He doesn't realize he's dealing
with sophisticated people here.

Marie, now just stay calm.
Stay calm.

NAVIN: Just don't look down.

Don't look down!
Look up!

Just keep your eyes up and keep
them that way, okay? Waiter!

There are snails on her plate.

(SQUEALING)

Now get them out of here
before she sees them.

Look away! Just look away!
And keep your eyes that way!

You'd think at a fancy restaurant
like this, at these prices,

you would be able to keep
the snails off the food!

There're so many snails in there,
you can't even see the food!

Now take them away and bring me

those melted cheese sandwich
appetizers you talked me out of!

Oui, monsieur.

Do you believe this?

First, they didn't have the
bamboo umbrellas for the wine

and now snails on the food.

NAVIN: Two boobs!
That's what he takes us for!

(HONKING)

Hi, honey.

Hi, doll face.

Everything okay?

Remember how you told me
to take unnecessary lessons?

Well, I just took a lesson.

And a very good student, too.

Adios, senora.
Adios.

You took bullfighting?

No. Knife-throwing.

NAVIN:
Knife-throwing is great!

I can almost do it.

Well, let me see your stuff.

Okay.

This is very good
for a beginner.

This is exciting.
I love this!

Come on.

MARIE: Turn sideways.
Okay.

And put a balloon
in your mouth.

Do you have a balloon?

Uh, no.

Oh, wait. Yes.

MARIE: Okay.

Is it in your mouth?

Uh-huh!

Throw 'em good
and hard so they'll stick.

Okay.

One,

two,

three!

Four, five, six!

Oh!

I missed.

Honey, you did good.

I can't do anything right.

Honey, you worry too much.

Come on. Let's flop this over
and look at it another way.

Why, do you realize
in the past two short months,

we have acquired
the sophistication

it takes some people
a lifetime to acquire?

Come on!

Let's toast!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

WOMAN: Everybody, Navin's on TV.
Marie, it's Navin!

Oh, honey, here's that
interview you did on TV.

Shut off the music! Shut it off!
Shut off the music!

Everyone, we're going to
watch Navin on the TV.

Now, sit down.
Just sit on the floor. Sit around.

CLETE ROBERTS:
American Time Newsmagazine,

turns its probing eye
on Navin Johnson,

inventor of the Opti-Grab.

That little glasses handle
that sold

10 million units in
a few short months.

CLETE ROBERTS: Mr. Johnson,
you've become a millionaire overnight.

Who are you?

Who is Navin Johnson?

Navin is a complex personality,

as are most of the small breed

of modern-day
Renaissance millionaires.

CLETE ROBERTS: We had planned to
show you the entire Johnson interview.

However, when we
returned to our studio,

our news department informed us

of a sensational development
in the Johnson story.

It seems that
an irate group of citizens

led by the celebrity
Mr. Carl Reiner,

has filed a class-action suit
against Mr. Johnson

and his Opti-Grab.

Here's what Mr. Reiner had
to say at a press conference.

When Opti-Grab came out, I thought
it was the greatest thing ever.

And I bought a pair.

And this is the result.

(ALL GASPING)

CARL: This little
handle is like a magnet.

Your eyes are constantly drawn
to it and you end up cockeyed.

Now, as a director,
I am constantly using my eyes.

And this Opti-Grab
device has caused

irreparable harm to my career.

Let me show you
a clip from my latest film,

where my faulty
depth perception kept me

from yelling "cut"
at the proper time.

CARL: Cut!

CARL:
If I had yelled "cut" on time,

those actors
would be alive today.

That's why I'm spearheading the
$10-million class-action suit

against Mr. Johnson and his
irresponsible selling of a product,

he didn't even test
on prisoners.

Thank you.

WOMAN: The party's over.
Nouveau riche.

You know what I mean?

Hey, wait a second.
Where are you going?

MAN:
This guy's something else.

I'm gonna get in touch
with that Reiner guy.

I got some... I got some
change upstairs.

We'll get some, uh, potato chips
and there's some beer up there.

We'll make it
a less formal thing.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

MAN:
Let's find another party.

Honey!
Why the gloom?

It's not the end
of the rainbow.

I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!

This is no big deal.
It's a parking ticket to me.

Only instead of $5,
it's $10,000,000.

I don't care about
losing all the money.

It's losing all the stuff.

We're not gonna lose the stuff.

(CHUCKLING)

This is America!

We're gonna receive a fair
trial from an impartial jury.

(MALLET POUNDING)

Your Honor, we, the jury,
find for the plaintiff.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

I award, to Mr. Reiner

and the other nine million

nine hundred and 87 thousand

six hundred and 52 plaintiffs,

the full amount of the suit.

Court is adjourned!

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Navin.

Honey, can't you see
I'm drinking?

Pay to the order of

Mrs. Wilbur Stark

$1.09!

Pay to the order of

Iron Balls McGinty

$1.09!

Why are you crying?

And why are you
wearing that old dress?

Because I just heard
a song on the radio

that reminded me
of the way we were.

What was it?

The Way We Were.

(SNIFFLING) Look at us.
We've hit bottom.

No! Maybe you've hit bottom,
but I haven't hit bottom yet!

I've got a ways to go!

And I'm gonna bounce back!

And when I do,

I'm gonna buy you
a diamond so big

it's gonna make you puke.

I don't wanna puke!

I don't want wealth!

I just want you
like you used to be.

What happened to that man?

Me?

What happened to
the girl I believed in?

The girl I fell in love with.

The girl that believed in me.

There's plenty of places
I can go,

where people believe in me.

Well, go!

The sooner
you're out of my life,

the sooner I can go back
to being the girl

in this little flowered dress

that you sang
the thermos song to.

Well, I'm gonna go, then!

And I don't need any of this!
I don't need this stuff!

And I don't need you!
I don't need anything!

Except this.

This ashtray.
The only thing I need is this!

I don't need this or this.
Just this ashtray!

And this paddle game.

The ashtray and the paddle game.
And that's all I need!

And this remote control.

The ashtray, the paddle game,
and the remote control.

And that's all I need!

And these matches.

The ashtray and these matches

and the remote control
and the paddle ball.

This lamp.

The ashtray,

this paddle game
and the remote control,

and the lamp.
And that's all I need.

(CRYING)

And that's all I need, too.

I don't need one other thing!

Not one...
I need this.

The paddle game and the chair,

and the remote control
and the matches, for sure!

NAVIN:
Wh-what are you looking at?

What do you think I am?
Some kind of a jerk or something?

(SOBBING)

And this.

That's all I need.

The ashtray,

the remote control
and this paddle game,

and this magazine
and the chair.

(SOBBING)

And I don't need
one other thing.

Except my dog.

(GROWLING)

I don't need my dog.

NAVIN: So, that's it.

It's an old story.

One you've probably
heard before.

(CARS HONKING)

But I never thought
it would happen to me.

(SIGHING)

(CAR HONKING)

TAJ: Hey! Any of you bums ever
heard of Navin R. Johnson?

I've heard of him.

Born in Mississippi?

Uh-huh!

Inventor of the Opti-Grab?

I was just telling these guys.

Son!

Daddy!

Navin.

Mom!

My baby!

Navin.
Elvira!

I knew we'd find you.

Taj!
Don't kiss me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I called them
the night you left.

How did you find me?

I don't know.

This is the first
place we looked.

We're takin' you home
and you're gonna live with us.

Turns out,
Dad's a financial genius.

All I did was
take the money you sent home

and embarked on
a periodic investment,

in a no-load mutual fund.

He leveraged his ass deep into
soy beans and cocoa futures.

Right on!

I picked out
this thermos for you.

I'd kiss you, but I'm so dirty.

Dirt doesn't bother me.

But the smell does.

Oh, Navin.

(EXCLAIMS)

Son, you'd better get in
the back with the dog

until we can get you
hosed down.

(SHITHEAD BARKING)

I love you, Navin.

I love you, too.

TAJ: Somebody open a window!

FATHER: Open all the windows.

NAVIN: I was so glad
to be going home.

I remembered the days
when I sang and danced

with my family on the porch
of the old house.

But things change, and with all
the additions to the family,

we had to tear down the old
house, even though we loved it.

But we built us a bigger one.

FAMILY:
♪ Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Well, me and my buddy's
gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Go around down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my buddy's gonna
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my buddy's gonna
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Get on your knees
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Get on your knees
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ All around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ All around
Pick a bale day ♪

♪ Gonna pack that hay
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna pack that hay
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie ♪

CHILDREN:
♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

ALL: ♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna
Pick a bale of cotton ♪♪