Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:01,002
Ever since I was a kid,
2
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,736
Billy Joel
was my musical idol.
3
00:00:02,761 --> 00:00:04,363
I loved every album and video,
4
00:00:04,388 --> 00:00:07,758
but he blew my mind when he released a song like no other.
5
00:00:07,759 --> 00:00:09,727
* We didn't start the fire
6
00:00:09,712 --> 00:00:12,048
We Didn't Start the Fire was an instant classic.
7
00:00:12,073 --> 00:00:14,031
The moment I heard it,
I was obsessed.
8
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:17,192
* Joseph Stalin, Malenkov,
Nasser, and Prokofiev... *
9
00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:18,445
What is he doing?
10
00:00:18,470 --> 00:00:21,539
It's like Billy Joel is singing, but also rapping.
11
00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:25,335
No, it's like he's rapping,
but also singing.
12
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,875
It became a point of pride to memorize the lyrics.
13
00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:28,921
...Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
14
00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:33,132
And back before the Internet, the only
way to learn them was to just listen.
15
00:00:33,157 --> 00:00:34,591
The hell are you doing?
16
00:00:34,616 --> 00:00:35,570
It's the middle of the night!
17
00:00:35,595 --> 00:00:36,531
Dad, thank God!
18
00:00:36,556 --> 00:00:38,457
Is it "Pumajob"? "Pacman job"?
19
00:00:38,482 --> 00:00:40,051
Put on the damn headphones. What is he saying?
20
00:00:40,076 --> 00:00:41,444
He's saying you're a moron.
21
00:00:41,477 --> 00:00:44,125
Now go to bed, and also learn some history!
22
00:00:44,150 --> 00:00:46,015
And the best part? I did!
23
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,617
Billy Joel actually made me good at school.
24
00:00:48,642 --> 00:00:49,437
So, yes.
25
00:00:49,462 --> 00:00:51,231
We didn't start the fire.
26
00:00:51,334 --> 00:00:54,728
In fact, it burned right from Harry Truman
to the great cola wars.
27
00:00:56,416 --> 00:00:58,296
Normally, I am not a fan of popular music,
28
00:00:58,321 --> 00:01:00,323
but this song teaches and entertains.
29
00:01:00,348 --> 00:01:01,687
You don't like music?
30
00:01:01,712 --> 00:01:04,581
No. I enjoy the dulcet tones of AM talk radio.
31
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,132
That's sad. I feel sad for you.
32
00:01:07,190 --> 00:01:09,792
I mean, traffic, sports, weather, you've got it all!
33
00:01:09,817 --> 00:01:10,851
But most importantly,
34
00:01:10,876 --> 00:01:13,640
Billy Joel taught me girls dig rock stars.
35
00:01:13,665 --> 00:01:17,636
* Rock and roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore *
36
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,523
Wow! That was totally badass.
37
00:01:19,548 --> 00:01:21,250
You like how I flipped over the He-Man table?
38
00:01:21,275 --> 00:01:21,828
You know what?
39
00:01:21,891 --> 00:01:24,109
You should perform that song in the holiday talent show.
40
00:01:24,134 --> 00:01:25,602
You think?
I know.
41
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,744
Not to completely objectify you,
42
00:01:27,769 --> 00:01:29,710
but the whole thing was insanely hot.
43
00:01:29,735 --> 00:01:31,070
Me, hot?
44
00:01:31,095 --> 00:01:33,532
Yeah, oh! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
45
00:01:33,557 --> 00:01:35,259
Never thought I'd hear that from a girl.
46
00:01:35,284 --> 00:01:37,054
Is it warm? My cheeks are burning.
47
00:01:37,079 --> 00:01:39,181
What can I say?
You make quite the Billy Joel.
48
00:01:39,206 --> 00:01:40,807
More like Boopie Joel.
49
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,375
Schmoo didn't start the fire
50
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,554
* But his cheeks are gushy and his tushy's squooshy *
51
00:01:46,579 --> 00:01:47,406
Give me a little nibble.
52
00:01:47,431 --> 00:01:48,666
Just look away, Jackie!
Look away!
53
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,945
I am looking away, but there's a mirror right there.
54
00:01:50,970 --> 00:01:52,071
(GROWLING)
Aah!
55
00:02:05,621 --> 00:02:07,921
It was December 13, 1980-something,
56
00:02:07,946 --> 00:02:10,367
and Erica was back from college for winter break.
57
00:02:10,392 --> 00:02:11,661
I have an announcement.
58
00:02:11,686 --> 00:02:14,219
We've spent a lot of time
together this holiday break...
59
00:02:14,244 --> 00:02:15,046
Too much in fact.
60
00:02:15,071 --> 00:02:16,157
You've been home for one day.
61
00:02:16,182 --> 00:02:17,187
You're feeling it, too.
62
00:02:17,219 --> 00:02:20,296
Which is why I will be spending the first
night of Hanukkah at Geoff's house. ?
63
00:02:20,321 --> 00:02:20,898
What
64
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:24,242
His parents invited me, and I don't
want to be here, so it's all lining up.
65
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:27,402
Murray, your daughter wants to spend the
holiest day of the year without the family.
66
00:02:27,427 --> 00:02:28,862
Say something!
Holy?
67
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:30,656
Most years,
we give up halfway through.
68
00:02:30,681 --> 00:02:32,383
Murray, don't interrupt.
69
00:02:32,510 --> 00:02:33,781
It's a very special day,
70
00:02:33,806 --> 00:02:35,992
so at the very least,
we should come with you.
71
00:02:35,985 --> 00:02:37,620
Ooh, one problem...
72
00:02:37,645 --> 00:02:38,359
You're not invited.
73
00:02:38,384 --> 00:02:38,870
Please.
74
00:02:38,895 --> 00:02:41,668
Linda and Lou Schwartz are friends.
They'd love to have us.
75
00:02:41,693 --> 00:02:42,938
You've never even talked to them.
76
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:46,224
Well, I sent Linda a beautifully-worded
note when Murray ran over her foot.
77
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,640
I signed my name at the bottom.
78
00:02:47,665 --> 00:02:49,433
You are not crashing their dinner,
79
00:02:49,458 --> 00:02:50,892
end of story!
80
00:02:50,917 --> 00:02:54,226
Damn it! Quick, grab your pants. The Schwartzes
are clearly making a play to take Hanukkah!
81
00:02:54,251 --> 00:02:55,016
Who's doing what now?
82
00:02:55,041 --> 00:03:00,023
Murray, it is crucial that we establish ourselves
as the fun parents who host all the holidays.
83
00:03:00,048 --> 00:03:03,235
That way, if Geoff and Erica ever
get married, they come to us.
84
00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:04,895
Not those bastards. Us.
85
00:03:04,927 --> 00:03:09,656
Okay, I'm hearing a lot of worry about things
far in the future that I don't care about.
86
00:03:09,681 --> 00:03:11,048
Oh, you better care!
87
00:03:11,073 --> 00:03:12,842
Hanukkah is a gateway holiday.
88
00:03:12,874 --> 00:03:18,228
If they take that, then they take Thanksgiving, then the Fourth
of July, then we're left with some crap holiday, like Labor Day!
89
00:03:18,253 --> 00:03:20,876
What's wrong with Labor Day? It's quiet and we eat hot dogs!
90
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,329
And so my mom swore she'd win Hanukkah.
91
00:03:23,354 --> 00:03:25,384
Meanwhile, I was ready to win over the crowd.
92
00:03:28,232 --> 00:03:29,384
That's the best.
93
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,790
Still getting used to wearing my
shades indoors like the Piano Man.
94
00:03:31,815 --> 00:03:33,134
You're no Piano Man.
95
00:03:33,159 --> 00:03:34,461
Tell that to Jackie,
96
00:03:34,486 --> 00:03:36,806
who strongly urged my hot bod to do the talent show.
97
00:03:36,831 --> 00:03:40,517
Come on! What upside-down
world are we living in here?
98
00:03:40,542 --> 00:03:44,604
How do you have a girlfriend and confidence
and a modest amount of popularity?
99
00:03:44,902 --> 00:03:46,104
Hello!
100
00:03:46,129 --> 00:03:46,876
Pops!
101
00:03:46,901 --> 00:03:48,436
He's helped me with all of it.
102
00:03:48,461 --> 00:03:51,431
He's even the one who gave me the idea to serenade Jackie,
103
00:03:51,456 --> 00:03:52,970
and like always, he was right.
104
00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:58,783
Wait, you take love advice from our old grandpa who
uses an entire tin of cream cheese on one bagel?
105
00:03:58,808 --> 00:04:01,444
He helps me every day. You're just realizing that now?
106
00:04:01,469 --> 00:04:02,751
That's why you're always chatting him up?
107
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:03,911
What did you think I was doing?
108
00:04:03,936 --> 00:04:05,203
I thought you were trying to get his gold.
109
00:04:05,228 --> 00:04:06,362
He doesn't have any gold.
110
00:04:06,387 --> 00:04:08,456
All old people have gold.
111
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,050
The gold is his wisdom.
112
00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:10,884
Lame! Fine.
113
00:04:10,909 --> 00:04:11,433
114
00:04:11,458 --> 00:04:12,826
Pops is lame, and so am I.
115
00:04:12,851 --> 00:04:15,286
Lame or not, Barry couldn't deny Pops had helped me,
116
00:04:15,311 --> 00:04:18,079
and so, with great humility, he asked for guidance.
117
00:04:18,104 --> 00:04:19,105
Hey! My bagel!
118
00:04:19,130 --> 00:04:20,228
Forget the bagel.
119
00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:22,556
Schmear me with knowledge, old timer.
120
00:04:22,581 --> 00:04:25,790
Wait. Are you actually coming to me for advice?
121
00:04:25,815 --> 00:04:28,919
I realized you made Adam suck way less.
122
00:04:28,944 --> 00:04:30,045
Be my sensei,
123
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:34,480
and I will follow whatever ancient wisdom
you have in that tired old frame of yours.
124
00:04:34,505 --> 00:04:37,535
As insulting as that is, why not?
125
00:04:37,656 --> 00:04:39,019
I like a good challenge.
126
00:04:39,044 --> 00:04:40,722
I am a challenge.
127
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:47,378
He was, but my mom faced an even bigger challenge,
making sure she didn't lose Hanukkah to the Schwartzes.
128
00:04:47,403 --> 00:04:50,004
Linda, my God, these latkes are to die for!
129
00:04:50,029 --> 00:04:50,800
Oh, it was nothing.
130
00:04:50,825 --> 00:04:53,587
She's not one to toot her own horn,
but I will. Toot-toot!
131
00:04:54,688 --> 00:04:56,757
Am I crazy, or is this actually going well?
132
00:04:56,782 --> 00:04:58,488
Oh! Almost forgot.
133
00:04:58,528 --> 00:05:00,163
Presents!
134
00:05:00,188 --> 00:05:01,558
Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait.
135
00:05:01,583 --> 00:05:03,585
No one said anything about a gift exchange.
136
00:05:03,610 --> 00:05:04,496
We didn't bring anything.
137
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:05,235
Oh, don't worry.
138
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:09,254
We just got you a little something.
Classic first night gift, no big deal.
139
00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:11,581
Holy crap! Streisand tickets?
140
00:05:11,606 --> 00:05:13,041
Summer sausage?
141
00:05:13,183 --> 00:05:14,324
Who are you?
142
00:05:14,349 --> 00:05:17,066
An indestructible rubber Sony Sports Walkman?
143
00:05:17,106 --> 00:05:19,050
I always get crappy socks on the first night.
144
00:05:19,075 --> 00:05:20,142
Not always!
145
00:05:20,167 --> 00:05:21,836
Last year, we forgot about it completely,
146
00:05:21,861 --> 00:05:23,925
and then on the fourth night, we were like, "Hanukkah!"
147
00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:26,953
Ha! She's wrong. She's a big stupid liar.
148
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:29,914
Point is, the holidays are just as special to us.
149
00:05:29,939 --> 00:05:31,121
A savings bond?
150
00:05:31,146 --> 00:05:33,160
I can't touch this for 10 years! So sensible!
151
00:05:33,185 --> 00:05:34,832
Look at that punim!
152
00:05:34,857 --> 00:05:36,793
We're like twins! Look at us!
153
00:05:36,818 --> 00:05:38,105
Well, look at this! (LAUGHS)
154
00:05:38,738 --> 00:05:40,574
(SING-SONG) We're twins, too!
155
00:05:40,599 --> 00:05:41,691
Mmm!
156
00:05:41,731 --> 00:05:44,019
See this? This is the real gift...
157
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:47,081
Erica and the Goldbergs here for the holidays.
158
00:05:47,106 --> 00:05:49,449
It's the best! You guys are the best.
159
00:05:50,029 --> 00:05:51,480
Those people are human trash!
160
00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:54,308
Come on! All the man did was give you Streisand tickets.
161
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:56,034
Third row center?
162
00:05:56,102 --> 00:05:58,019
Best seats in the house?
163
00:05:58,044 --> 00:06:00,527
These people are monsters who will steal our children.
164
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,933
While my mom envisioned a lonely future,
165
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:06,886
Pops was reminding Barry of his epic
freshman year talent show routine...
166
00:06:06,911 --> 00:06:09,511
Hyah! ...when he karate-kicked his way to glory.
167
00:06:10,029 --> 00:06:11,664
That was quite a night, huh?
168
00:06:11,689 --> 00:06:13,824
It was the first night Lainey noticed me.
169
00:06:13,948 --> 00:06:14,754
Best of my life.
170
00:06:14,779 --> 00:06:16,514
What if I said I could help you top it?
171
00:06:16,539 --> 00:06:18,441
You think if I do that show, I can get a new Lainey?
172
00:06:18,473 --> 00:06:21,035
If Adam can impress a girl with a serenade,
173
00:06:21,152 --> 00:06:22,082
so can you.
174
00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:24,105
And so, Barry took Pops' advice,
175
00:06:24,130 --> 00:06:25,498
perhaps a little too literally.
176
00:06:25,523 --> 00:06:26,524
Mr. Glascott!
177
00:06:26,549 --> 00:06:28,918
Oh, my God. Oh, my Pop-Tart!
178
00:06:28,943 --> 00:06:30,066
Today was my cheat day!
179
00:06:30,091 --> 00:06:31,426
I have huge news.
180
00:06:31,451 --> 00:06:33,020
I'm signing up for the talent show.
181
00:06:33,045 --> 00:06:35,772
I know it's last minute, but I
will not take "no" for an answer.
182
00:06:35,797 --> 00:06:38,269
And you won't have to. There's like 14 spots left.
183
00:06:38,294 --> 00:06:40,129
Then consider it your lucky day
184
00:06:40,162 --> 00:06:41,816
'cause you just got yourself your opening act.
185
00:06:41,841 --> 00:06:44,110
Okay, you seem way too fired up about this.
186
00:06:44,162 --> 00:06:45,530
Let me be painfully clear.
187
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:47,540
This is a holiday talent show.
188
00:06:47,565 --> 00:06:48,699
None of it matters.
189
00:06:48,724 --> 00:06:50,326
Oh, it matters.
190
00:06:50,351 --> 00:06:53,918
This is the game-changer I need to become the
most popular kid in high school once again!
191
00:06:53,943 --> 00:06:54,871
It's really not.
192
00:06:54,896 --> 00:06:58,332
Honestly, this isn't some
high-stakes, life-defining event.
193
00:06:58,357 --> 00:06:59,491
It's just a wasted night.
194
00:06:59,516 --> 00:07:01,558
Then it's up to me to prove you wrong.
195
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:04,319
No! Do not use me to raise the stakes any further.
196
00:07:04,344 --> 00:07:05,683
Just sign up and move on.
197
00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:06,832
Mr. Glascott!
198
00:07:06,857 --> 00:07:10,191
Big news, I'm gonna sing We Didn't Start the Fire at the talent show.
199
00:07:10,216 --> 00:07:11,425
No one cares!
200
00:07:11,450 --> 00:07:14,761
What he means to say is you can
do anything but that song.
201
00:07:14,786 --> 00:07:15,955
I'm opening the show with it.
202
00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:17,339
You can't just take my song.
203
00:07:17,364 --> 00:07:20,144
I'm just doing as my sensei, Pops, commands.
204
00:07:20,169 --> 00:07:21,941
Pops isn't your sensei.
205
00:07:21,966 --> 00:07:23,467
He's my Jedi Master,
206
00:07:23,492 --> 00:07:25,995
and he'd never tell you to do the same song as me!
207
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:28,277
Hey, Barry, heard you were opening the talent show with Billy Joel.
208
00:07:28,302 --> 00:07:30,535
Why, yes, I am, Jamie Weisman.
209
00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:31,644
See you there.
210
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:33,344
What do you know? It's already working.
211
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,488
How the hell did she already know you were
doing the show? It literally just happened.
212
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:40,882
She knew because Barry woke up early and
posted a few fliers around school...
213
00:07:40,991 --> 00:07:41,910
A few hundred.
214
00:07:41,935 --> 00:07:42,761
Balls!
215
00:07:42,786 --> 00:07:45,035
"Holiday Talent Show featuring Barry Joel"?
216
00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:46,910
Don't worry. I'm still gonna sing our song.
217
00:07:46,935 --> 00:07:48,613
It's kind of feeling like your brother's song.
218
00:07:48,653 --> 00:07:50,027
It does feel that way.
219
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,032
It was the second day of Hanukkah,
220
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:57,093
and my mom had her eyes on the prize,
221
00:07:57,118 --> 00:07:59,254
stealing the holiday back from Lou Schwartz.
222
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,918
Thank you so much for seeing me last minute, Dr. Schwartz.
223
00:08:01,943 --> 00:08:04,019
That's Lou to you. We're practically family now.
224
00:08:04,044 --> 00:08:05,355
Aw. Speaking of,t
225
00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:10,285
I wanted to thank you for last nighby hosting you guys for the second night of Hanukkah.
226
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:11,933
Hold still for drops.
227
00:08:12,332 --> 00:08:17,121
While I do appreciate the offer, night two is a
Schwartz family favorite, so we'll be hosting it.
228
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,863
Well, your son already formally RSVP'd.
229
00:08:19,888 --> 00:08:22,238
I cornered him at school, and he signed the response card.
230
00:08:22,263 --> 00:08:25,023
Fine. You take night two.
We'll do nights three through eight.
231
00:08:25,048 --> 00:08:26,886
Six nights and the closer?
232
00:08:26,911 --> 00:08:28,413
Okay, then you can take night four.
233
00:08:28,438 --> 00:08:30,707
The hump day of Hanukkah? How dare you.
234
00:08:30,732 --> 00:08:33,613
How dare me, what? I don't
understand why you're so worked up.
235
00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:35,065
Cut the crap, Schwartz!
236
00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:37,199
You're trying to steal Hanukkah, and it ain't happening.
237
00:08:37,224 --> 00:08:41,186
Like always, my mom had spiraled out,
but this time, she was right.
238
00:08:41,264 --> 00:08:41,824
Fine! I
239
00:08:41,849 --> 00:08:42,707
knew it!
240
00:08:42,732 --> 00:08:43,285
You got me
241
00:08:43,363 --> 00:08:45,208
. You are not taking Hanukkah.
242
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,636
Oh! I'm taking it.
243
00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:49,816
I'm taking all the big-ticket holidays,
and you can't stop it.
244
00:08:49,841 --> 00:08:54,305
Oh, I'll stop it when I throw the most
mind-blowing night two in Hanukkah history!
245
00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:57,233
You'll see.
Too bad you won't.
246
00:08:57,258 --> 00:08:58,168
What did you do?
247
00:08:58,193 --> 00:09:01,589
In a few minutes, your pupils will dilate up real nicely.
248
00:09:01,692 --> 00:09:04,597
Good luck frying up a latke in a hazy blur.
249
00:09:04,622 --> 00:09:06,057
You blinded me from Hanukkah?
250
00:09:06,082 --> 00:09:07,769
Yes. For three whole hours.
251
00:09:07,794 --> 00:09:10,062
You have made a dangerous mistake, Lou Schwartz!
252
00:09:10,087 --> 00:09:15,106
Blinding me has only fueled my anger, and I will use
my rage to peel more potatoes than I've ever peeled!
253
00:09:15,131 --> 00:09:16,082
Better watch your fingers.
254
00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:20,736
And you better bring your appetite, 'cause
once I sour cream and applesauce up a latke,
255
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,930
it is game, set, Hanukkah!
256
00:09:26,878 --> 00:09:28,621
This is a war you won't win!
257
00:09:28,646 --> 00:09:30,300
I already have!
258
00:09:30,511 --> 00:09:32,713
As my mom stumbled off to dominate Hanukkah,
259
00:09:32,708 --> 00:09:35,511
my brother was mastering Billy Joel's lyrics.
260
00:09:35,536 --> 00:09:37,604
* Harry Truman, Doris Day
261
00:09:37,629 --> 00:09:40,175
Back before Google, it took patience and a good ear.
262
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,302
Sadly, Barry had neither.
263
00:09:42,327 --> 00:09:43,962
* Joe is stallin' Mellor's cough
264
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,718
* Nose hairs and pro coffee pots
265
00:09:45,743 --> 00:09:47,378
* Rock your fella, salmonella
266
00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:49,005
* Chickens say "Bock!"
267
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:50,699
* Toy bone, on the phone
268
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,363
* Tossed panini, yay scones
269
00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:54,027
* Ben's friend Lew Falls
270
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,687
* Walk around the block
271
00:09:55,712 --> 00:09:57,314
* Barf-O, booed a breast
272
00:09:57,339 --> 00:09:59,074
* Slamma Jamma, crew's chest
273
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,768
* Prince is great, paper plates
274
00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,628
* Trouble with Aunt Suzy
275
00:10:02,653 --> 00:10:05,191
* We didn't start the fire
276
00:10:05,216 --> 00:10:07,252
* Blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah
277
00:10:07,277 --> 00:10:08,645
* Blah, blah, blah
278
00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:09,527
* Blah, blah, blah
279
00:10:09,552 --> 00:10:11,221
You get it! What do you think?
280
00:10:11,252 --> 00:10:12,253
I think it's amazing.
281
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,047
Do this song exactly like that, pal.
282
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,879
Never let me stand in your way again.
283
00:10:15,904 --> 00:10:19,708
A more insecure man would wonder why he's so pleased.
284
00:10:19,733 --> 00:10:20,910
But I'm not such a man.
285
00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:24,105
Um, Bar, I... I think you messed up a couple of lyrics there.
286
00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:25,472
Mmm... No.
287
00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:28,418
Dude, who's awful idea was this?
288
00:10:28,443 --> 00:10:29,710
That'd be me.
289
00:10:29,735 --> 00:10:31,304
I... I'm his sensei.
290
00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:37,217
Mr. Grandpa, sir, I would like to go on record and
respectfully say that your advice will destroy Barry's life
291
00:10:37,242 --> 00:10:38,527
and that you suck at this.
292
00:10:38,552 --> 00:10:40,287
While Pops was regretting the talent show,
293
00:10:40,312 --> 00:10:43,373
my mom couldn't wait
to show the Schwartzes a real Hanukkah.
294
00:10:43,398 --> 00:10:44,250
Knock, knock!
295
00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:47,135
Not sure if you can see us, but we're here!
296
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,988
Doesn't matter!
I can cook dinner with my eyes closed.
297
00:10:50,013 --> 00:10:52,016
Come on in. Sorry the place is such a mess.
298
00:10:52,055 --> 00:10:56,817
A mess? Oh, look at this house.
It's like a Hanukkah winter wonderland.
299
00:10:56,842 --> 00:10:58,009
Yeah, what's the deal?
300
00:10:58,034 --> 00:11:00,972
We usually just light a candle
and get a lame gift, like dental floss.
301
00:11:00,997 --> 00:11:03,632
Stop. When it comes to the Festival of Lights,
302
00:11:03,657 --> 00:11:06,211
the Goldbergs really know how to turn it on.
303
00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:08,429
Last thing I'd want is for you to burst into flames
304
00:11:08,454 --> 00:11:11,007
so we'd have to host Hanukkah every year.
305
00:11:11,032 --> 00:11:12,290
You know what's even better?
306
00:11:12,315 --> 00:11:13,392
Presents!
307
00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:15,929
A hundred dollars? That's insane!
308
00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:18,748
That's what you get when you do
Hanukkah here. Remember that.
309
00:11:18,773 --> 00:11:21,108
And, uh, we have a gift for Erica.
310
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,313
We do?
311
00:11:22,718 --> 00:11:24,000
Thirty-two dollars.
312
00:11:24,025 --> 00:11:26,661
And a shammy for your glasses.
313
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,172
Don't be silly. It's time for dinner.
314
00:11:28,197 --> 00:11:31,166
I hope you have enough room for eight courses.
315
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,426
Prepare your tummies!
316
00:11:32,451 --> 00:11:34,086
Whoa! GEOFF: Damn!
317
00:11:35,397 --> 00:11:36,930
Hey, kiddo.
318
00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:39,660
I... I've been thinking about the talent show.
319
00:11:39,685 --> 00:11:42,243
Maybe we should give that little song back to Adam.
320
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,485
No can do.
321
00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:45,735
I already sent Billy Joel the parking directions.
322
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:46,895
No, that's smart,
323
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:50,983
but I think you'd make a much bigger
splash by doing something funny.
324
00:11:51,053 --> 00:11:53,923
But it took me forever to perfectly
memorize every word of that song!
325
00:11:53,948 --> 00:11:54,772
Bup, bup, bup.
326
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,110
You promised to do everything I say, right?
327
00:11:57,135 --> 00:11:59,137
Yes. Forgive me, sensei.
328
00:11:59,162 --> 00:12:00,196
So, what's your idea?
329
00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:06,008
The greatest Abbott and Costello routine
of all time, guaranteed to kill.
330
00:12:06,033 --> 00:12:09,929
It's a famous skit
about the players and their funny names.
331
00:12:09,954 --> 00:12:12,056
It's called Who's on First?
332
00:12:12,081 --> 00:12:14,500
Who?
Exactly! So you know it?
333
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:15,701
What?
Yes!
334
00:12:15,726 --> 00:12:16,793
"What's" on second.
335
00:12:16,818 --> 00:12:18,687
You started this thing! You tell me!
336
00:12:18,712 --> 00:12:20,219
Okay. Let me clear this up.
337
00:12:20,244 --> 00:12:22,146
"Who" is the player.
338
00:12:22,171 --> 00:12:23,563
"Who" is on first.
339
00:12:23,588 --> 00:12:25,390
Why won't you tell me?
340
00:12:25,415 --> 00:12:28,150
You know what, I think you're gonna need some visuals.
341
00:12:28,175 --> 00:12:29,876
Then you'll know who's on first.
342
00:12:29,908 --> 00:12:31,110
Who?
343
00:12:32,726 --> 00:12:37,391
Okay, now you can clearly visualize
where each and every player is.
344
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:38,985
So, who's on first?
345
00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:40,177
Easy. Von Hayes.
346
00:12:40,202 --> 00:12:41,470
No. It's Who.
347
00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:42,735
Who is on first.
348
00:12:42,768 --> 00:12:45,437
I just told you, Von Hayes.
349
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,335
I'm not asking you about the Phillies lineup.
350
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,063
I'm telling you. It's Who!
351
00:12:50,088 --> 00:12:50,902
Von Hayes.
352
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:52,237
Okay, look at me.
353
00:12:52,262 --> 00:12:55,800
Ask me the name of the player on third base.
354
00:12:55,825 --> 00:12:57,683
I don't need to ask you.
355
00:12:57,708 --> 00:12:58,802
It's Mike Schmidt, right?
356
00:12:58,827 --> 00:13:01,497
Wrong. This is "I Don't Know."
357
00:13:01,483 --> 00:13:03,619
How do you not know Mike Schmidt?
358
00:13:03,651 --> 00:13:05,716
He's a Gold Glove winner and a perennial All-Star!
359
00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:08,058
Barry! Just listen!
360
00:13:08,083 --> 00:13:09,718
Who is on first!
361
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:11,380
Who! I'm telling you!
362
00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:13,068
Who is the name!
363
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,028
And I told you! His name is...
364
00:13:15,053 --> 00:13:17,455
Don't you dare say Von Hayes!
365
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,481
(MUTTERING) Von Hayes.
366
00:13:19,546 --> 00:13:20,647
Okay.
367
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:25,741
Now we're literally on a baseball field
with your friends holding up the names.
368
00:13:25,766 --> 00:13:27,868
It cannot be any clearer.
369
00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:32,097
So, tell me the name of the player on third.
370
00:13:32,164 --> 00:13:32,921
I Don't Know.
371
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:37,866
Barry, do you really not know or
do you know it's I Don't Know.
372
00:13:37,891 --> 00:13:39,159
It's I Don't Know.
373
00:13:39,184 --> 00:13:40,452
And What's on second.
374
00:13:40,477 --> 00:13:41,499
And Who's on first.
375
00:13:41,524 --> 00:13:42,117
Yes!
376
00:13:42,133 --> 00:13:44,343
Yeah, baby! Only two hours!
377
00:13:44,368 --> 00:13:45,435
Can we go home now?
378
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:47,616
One question. Why is it funny?
379
00:13:47,641 --> 00:13:49,944
No one on Earth would name their son Who!
380
00:13:49,969 --> 00:13:51,103
He's right. Kind of lame.
381
00:13:51,128 --> 00:13:52,129
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
382
00:13:52,154 --> 00:13:54,680
I'm gonna make this actually
funny by changing all the names.
383
00:13:54,705 --> 00:13:55,739
Don't change the names.
384
00:13:55,743 --> 00:13:57,845
First base is Mr. ClownFarts.
385
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,647
Second base is Bob Frapples.
386
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,574
And third base is Giant (BLEEP) Face.
387
00:14:01,599 --> 00:14:04,034
No! Those aren't real names!
388
00:14:04,059 --> 00:14:06,862
They're more real than your first baseman, Mr. Who!
389
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:08,374
It makes no sense!
390
00:14:08,399 --> 00:14:13,147
No parent with the last name of (BLEEP)
Face would name their child Giant! Ever!
391
00:14:13,172 --> 00:14:14,740
Then what would they name him?
392
00:14:14,765 --> 00:14:15,507
Josh!
393
00:14:15,532 --> 00:14:16,323
Screw it!
394
00:14:16,348 --> 00:14:17,750
I'm going back to being Barry Joel.
395
00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:21,264
Barry, don't do that show. I'm
just trying to protect you here.
396
00:14:21,289 --> 00:14:23,241
From what?
From yourself!
397
00:14:23,266 --> 00:14:28,062
You don't know any of the words to that song, and
I can't help you like I did with the karate!
398
00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:29,094
What do you mean, help?
399
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:32,055
I swapped in a board made of balsa wood!
400
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,499
Balsa wood better be the strongest of all woods.
401
00:14:34,524 --> 00:14:36,226
Bro, it breaks like a Kit Kat bar.
402
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,421
That better be the strongest of all candy bars.
403
00:14:38,446 --> 00:14:39,681
It's not, dude.
404
00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:46,129
Look, if I didn't actually break that board, then
the best night of my life is nothing but a lie.
405
00:14:46,154 --> 00:14:47,188
That's not true, kiddo.
406
00:14:47,213 --> 00:14:49,261
No. I get it.
407
00:14:49,740 --> 00:14:50,974
Even you can't help me.
408
00:14:51,844 --> 00:14:52,878
I'm unfixable.
409
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,521
As everyone waited for dinner,
410
00:14:57,546 --> 00:15:00,488
my mom's plans to win Hanukkah were spinning out of control.
411
00:15:00,513 --> 00:15:02,182
Boom! Squiggly again!
412
00:15:02,207 --> 00:15:04,409
Send the bread to Fred, the Schwartzes win.
413
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:06,671
Okay, double or nothing. You win, you get Thanksgiving.
414
00:15:06,696 --> 00:15:07,831
You're on!
Okay.
415
00:15:07,856 --> 00:15:08,957
My turn, I'll spin.
416
00:15:08,982 --> 00:15:10,316
No, no, no. It's my dreidel!
417
00:15:10,341 --> 00:15:12,707
I'm the spinner!
No, no!
418
00:15:12,739 --> 00:15:14,341
Yes! Squiggly!
419
00:15:14,366 --> 00:15:15,834
The Goldbergs are back on the board.
420
00:15:15,859 --> 00:15:17,952
Look at that! You got one. Game's over.
Happy Hanukkah.
421
00:15:17,977 --> 00:15:19,464
Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!
422
00:15:19,489 --> 00:15:21,325
That's six squiggles in a row.
423
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:22,027
What?
424
00:15:22,052 --> 00:15:23,807
Is this a loaded dreidel?
No!
425
00:15:23,832 --> 00:15:27,199
Did you bring a loaded dreidel into my home?
426
00:15:27,224 --> 00:15:28,535
There's no such thing.
427
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,422
Is that right?
428
00:15:36,877 --> 00:15:38,879
(GASPS) You can prove nothing!
429
00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:40,339
Okay, what is all the yelling about?
430
00:15:40,364 --> 00:15:41,714
I thought we were supposed to have dinner.
431
00:15:41,739 --> 00:15:43,707
Lou, what is going on? The kids need to pick!
432
00:15:43,732 --> 00:15:46,707
Which one of us is gonna be the fun
in-laws you spend all the holidays with?
433
00:15:46,732 --> 00:15:48,434
What are you talking about? Why is your shoe off?
434
00:15:48,459 --> 00:15:49,808
He was cheating at dreidel!
435
00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:51,347
Okay, everybody stop!
436
00:15:51,372 --> 00:15:53,842
There is no holiday house! We're just dating!
437
00:15:53,867 --> 00:15:54,762
Pick right now!
438
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:55,826
Erica, say us.
439
00:15:55,851 --> 00:15:57,300
Say us or I have no daughter.
440
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,593
You have to pick me, Geoffrey, or
you're out of my will forever!
441
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:03,113
You know, the whole point of this holiday was
for our families to get to know each other.
442
00:16:03,138 --> 00:16:05,039
Yeah. Thanks for ruining it.
443
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,080
My mom may have lost her precious holiday,
444
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:18,588
but I had found my new act for the talent show.
445
00:16:18,613 --> 00:16:21,377
Okay. What am I looking at here?
446
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:22,658
Not that it's any of your business,
447
00:16:22,725 --> 00:16:26,689
but I'm working on a new super-sexy act for the talent show.
448
00:16:26,714 --> 00:16:28,518
Put the scarves away, kiddo.
449
00:16:28,543 --> 00:16:30,441
You can do the Billy Joel song.
450
00:16:30,466 --> 00:16:31,867
What? Barry gave up?
451
00:16:31,892 --> 00:16:33,159
Mmm, just on me.
452
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:36,129
He finally came to me for help,
and I let him down.
453
00:16:36,154 --> 00:16:38,600
No, don't do that! Don't
make me feel sad for him.
454
00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:41,050
The guy stole my song and my Jedi grandpa.
455
00:16:41,075 --> 00:16:43,377
Kiddo, I've helped you your whole life,
456
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,090
and now... I
457
00:16:45,115 --> 00:16:46,293
need your help.
458
00:16:49,272 --> 00:16:50,873
Hey, can we talk about the talent show?
459
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:54,724
Look, if Pops sent you in here, tell him
I'm not doing his stupid comedy routine.
460
00:16:54,749 --> 00:16:56,175
Forget about Who's on First?
461
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,886
I'm here to tell you to do the song.
462
00:16:57,911 --> 00:16:59,625
Please. We both know I suck at it.
463
00:16:59,650 --> 00:17:02,453
That's why we're gonna combine your rap skills and showmanship
464
00:17:02,478 --> 00:17:04,160
with my greatest talent,
465
00:17:04,185 --> 00:17:06,019
audio-video wizardry.
466
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,246
And so, united by our sensei granddad,
467
00:17:09,271 --> 00:17:11,774
me and Barry decided he wouldn't just rap.
468
00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:13,401
He wouldn't just sing.
469
00:17:13,426 --> 00:17:16,754
He'd rap-sing the most important
song in our school's history.
470
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,522
* Barry Goldberg, JTP
471
00:17:18,547 --> 00:17:20,215
* William Penn Academy
472
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,908
* Fighting Quakers, North Philly
473
00:17:21,933 --> 00:17:23,468
* Principal Ball
474
00:17:23,493 --> 00:17:25,295
* Coach Mellor is good at sports
475
00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:26,894
* And he wears those tiny shorts
476
00:17:26,919 --> 00:17:30,222
* Cecil the janitor is mopping up the hall
477
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:33,046
It's true! He mopped up something
I spilled this morning!
478
00:17:33,036 --> 00:17:34,941
* Mr. Glascott is a nerd
479
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,635
* Feather Locklear is his bird
480
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,254
* Miss Tabs habla Espanol
481
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:39,947
* Lunch lady is really old
482
00:17:39,972 --> 00:17:41,640
* Mr. Woodburn is so mean
483
00:17:41,665 --> 00:17:43,285
* Cinoman's the drama queen
484
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:45,012
* Then there's Doc throwin' chalk
485
00:17:45,037 --> 00:17:46,805
That guy is out of control
486
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:48,386
* Burnouts, nerds, and jocks
487
00:17:48,411 --> 00:17:50,013
* Jamie Weisman's really hot
488
00:17:50,038 --> 00:17:51,707
* Taz Money, Dave Kim
489
00:17:51,732 --> 00:17:53,466
* Chad Kremp, what's up with him?
490
00:17:53,491 --> 00:17:55,193
* Jackie and my brother Ad
491
00:17:55,218 --> 00:17:56,777
* My sensei is my granddad
492
00:17:56,802 --> 00:17:58,574
* Watch me flip this on the floor
493
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,668
* I can't take it anymore
494
00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:04,947
Yeah!
495
00:18:04,972 --> 00:18:05,769
Whoo!
496
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,968
Mr. Glascott! Come quick!
It's super important!
497
00:18:07,993 --> 00:18:09,729
No, it's not. None of this matters.
498
00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,322
But Barry started a fire!
499
00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:13,582
Dang it! It does matter!
500
00:18:13,607 --> 00:18:14,930
It matters real bad!
501
00:18:18,789 --> 00:18:20,251
Oh. Hello.
502
00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:25,161
Hi. My wife made you a kugel.
503
00:18:25,428 --> 00:18:28,086
Mmm. Smells delicious.
504
00:18:28,288 --> 00:18:30,579
You both really know your way around a Hanukkah dish.
505
00:18:30,604 --> 00:18:32,899
Right back at you. You were right.
506
00:18:33,226 --> 00:18:36,024
Never take on Beverly Goldberg in a Hanukkah war.
507
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:41,414
What do you say we stop worrying about the future
and just enjoy the great kids we have right now?
508
00:18:41,439 --> 00:18:42,675
I'd love that. (CHUCKLES)
509
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,008
* We didn't start the fire
510
00:18:45,149 --> 00:18:45,930
What?
511
00:18:46,095 --> 00:18:48,711
You'll get used to it.
We're family now.
512
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:51,706
That night, my mom started a new holiday tradition,
513
00:18:51,801 --> 00:18:54,037
and Barry didn't just start a fire...
514
00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:55,742
He started his comeback.
515
00:18:59,981 --> 00:19:00,982
What's all this?
516
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,881
We decided to share the holiday.
517
00:19:02,906 --> 00:19:04,678
There's enough nights to go around.
518
00:19:05,449 --> 00:19:08,877
In the end, the holidays aren't about the
number of nights you have to celebrate.
519
00:19:08,946 --> 00:19:11,015
All that matters is you're together,
520
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,710
laughing, eating, and making memories.
521
00:19:15,991 --> 00:19:18,233
522
00:19:18,819 --> 00:19:20,288
523
00:19:31,939 --> 00:19:33,881
This is my worst nightmare!
39435
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese