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Well, she's... she's my rock.

What... What am I supposed to
do without her, you know? It...

Ow!

Nut up, man.

This is the universe telling you
you're not meant to be tied down.

Look, I was living with
a chick once, right?

And she wanted me to put a ring on it.

And I thought I was gonna have to,

because I was living in her
place, which was sweet.

Then one day she comes home, catches
me boning her first cousin,

breaks up with me, but more important,

thinks the place is
tainted and moves out.

Who's got two thumbs and is living
in a sweet-ass apartment? Huh?

Place has a friggin' gym in the building

and she left her Instant Pot.

You gotta look at the
bigger picture here.

But she's...

Morning.

Oh, ooh. Taystee? Can you
give me a hand, please?

- Taystee?
- Shit.

Did you hear me calling you for help?

What?

Do I have any messages?

- Taystee, did you take down...
- Linda's office called.

Great. Just call her back.

She said she wants you to
come in for a meeting.

- A meeting?
- Mmm-hmm.

In person? In person is serious.
She say what it was about?

Uh... No.

I'm doing everything they told me to.

I've signed my name so many times,
I'm spelling my own name wrong.

Um, I bet Hopper told
her about my programs.

That's why he wouldn't look at me.

When's this meeting? I
need time to prepare.

Taystee? You okay?

Yeah, sorry, I just
got a lot on my mind.

Yeah.

It was Thursday. Thursday.

Thank you.

Why is there Wite-Out
on the signature line?

Did she forget her own damn name?

I got shirts older than this new warden.

Anyhow, your paperwork is in order,

but I still need the address

for where you'll be
staying after release.

You got that for me?

No.

Well, have you at least
reached out to your family?

No, I ain't got around to it yet.

Ms. Hayes, look at me.

You have to have some place to go.

The halfway houses are at capacity.

Sorry.

Don't apologize to me.
Just get me an address.

Okay.

- You put Visine in your pee?
- I know. I know. I know.

Do you?

Do you know how friggin' lucky you
are that you just got sent to NA?

She could have sent you back here.

What if that's what my
subconscious wants?

No.

I think I just wanted to feel something.
It was stupid and I'm sorry.

Well, why don't you find someone
other than your brother

to hang out with? What about Neri?

I'm not on her good side at the moment.

Cal basically had to promise
that we'd be her slaves

so she wouldn't kick us out.

How about some girls from work?

I think they know I'm the one
that cookie-monstered their cake.

Wow, here I was thinking
I was the reckless one.

I guess we're two fucked
up peas in a pod.

- I wanna be in your pod.
- I know. Me, too.

Too bad we're not even
in the same garden.

Pipes, do you need to find
some other peas to pod with?

What?

No.

You're my pea, you're my pod.
Why would you even ask me that?

Just... hear me out.

You clearly need something
more in your life.

You know, someone outside of this glass.

Someone who can touch you, and
it's legal, and it feels good.

I'm not saying I wanna
know details, but, um...

Come on. Don't you think it would help?

Dangerous.

This is very, very dangerous.

And what you're doing isn't?

Look, there's no way you're replacing
this golden pussy. I know that.

But I also know that you feel
restricted by all these rules

and I don't want you to
resent our relationship

for, like, confining you.

I don't resent us.

Piper, this is all I can
do for you from in here.

Let me do this for you.

This is ridiculous.

Besides, I haven't
even been in the mood.

Well, we have three years
to go. So just think about it.

As much as I wanna be with you,
I don't want you back in here.

My God, she's climbing
the stairs already?

It's going so fast.

- She got any new words this week?
- Yes.

Told you she's advanced.

- You gonna tell me what they are?
- "Yes."

- Her new word is "yes."
- Oh.

- And also "duck."
- "Yes" and "duck"?

Duck like quack-quack.

- Hmm.
- And she makes the quack noise, too.

But it's more like "cack."

She's a genius.

Listen, I gotta tell you something.

I'm seeing someone.

We said we weren't gonna
talk about those things.

This one is different.

- How long?
- A month. Sergio introduced us.

- I don't wanna hear about it.
- I gotta be honest with you.

Well, you also gotta leave Pepa out
of it. A month is a short time.

And I don't want her getting
all attached to some rando

that you're gonna drop in another month.

And what the fuck is Sergio
doing introducing you to girls?

He's my cousin.

Pepa and I are moving in with her.

The fuck you are!

You won't bring Pepa here

because you don't want her
to see her mother in prison,

but you're okay to let her
see you screwing some fling?

- No. Nuh-uh. Not happening.
- It's not a fling.

This is serious, and you don't
get to choose what we do.

- Of course I do. I'm Pepa's mother.
- But you're in here.

Leave Pepa out of it.

Well, I may be in here, but I know you.

And I know that your fling or
whatever ain't gonna work out.

I seen you in love. With me.

And this ain't like that.
This is sex or whatever.

Well, I guess I love me some Guess.

I guess I love wearing Guess. It
makes me feel so sexy and rich.

Stop, stop.

Ooh.

Princesa, you should only ever
be dressed in the finest.

Well, it's coming off. Oh, my God.

Orlando would shit himself if he
knew I had sex in this dress.

Shit.

Well, he's off somewhere in Europe.

You're the boss now.

- Oh, my God.
- There. Now, you own it.

You're so lucky I got a price tag gun.

I can't afford that. Plus, I got
no place fancy to wear it anyhow.

Well, maybe I have the fix for that.

We got a whole table of True
Religions. You need a new idea.

Mmm-mmm.

These are a third of the price.

- Why's the horseshoe upside down?
- No, don't worry about it.

Tell people that it's the new design.

The name's on the label. Hmm?

The way they're gonna
feel in them is the same.

The only other difference is the
extra cash lining your pockets

when you sell these full retail. Hmm?

Then we can go to clubs

and fancy restaurants.

Show off this body.

What do you think?

Shit.

Is that the boyfriend?

- I'll be back in 20 minutes.
- I'll wait.

I can always wait for you, Princesa.

You want to go out to lunch tomorrow?

We're out.

No, I mean like some place they
bring you food to your table.

I like it here.

Stop hoggin' those chips. You
wanna look flabby in the ring?

I'm taking a break.

When were you gonna tell me this?

I'm still getting the headaches.
And I'm doing good here.

I got 30 Pro Access sign ups.

Thirty more and they make
me assistant manager.

Sergio called. Luis got picked
up selling H last night.

He did? Did he say how it happened?

Everyone's gettin' popped lately.
Big Leo, George, Chickie Jr.

All goin' down.

It's good we got out when we did.

You ever miss it?

We're together. We're safe,
we have food. I'm thankful.

I am so thankful for another day

in this shit mall with
my damp ham and cheese.

Gotta give it a little time.

With assistant manager money and
what you're making as a manager,

soon we'll be buying
Panda Express for lunch.

Can't wait.

There.

You are right. This place does
make the DMV look cheery.

Why don't you have some underpaid
laborer knock down that wall

and get yourself some breathing
room. You are the warden.

ICE has all the power around here.

I am just a form-filling figurehead.

Here, this'll make you feel better.

You can be good

and you can reward
yourself for being good.

What do you want?

Can we talk without a desk between us?

You have as long as it takes me to
finish this Tony's Chocolonely.

Then I gotta get back to
begging petty bureaucrats

for Imam visitation.

I swear, I should get
them a special stamp

that reads "fuck the ragheads"

for them to pound into anything
that says the word "Muslim" on it.

- I saw the doctor this morning.
- And?

Well, he said my guys are
sparse and sleepy "swimmers."

I've never heard you laugh before.

It is unnerving.

So, what are they gonna
do to wake your guys up?

They're gonna pour coffee into my dick.

- Seriously?
- No!

I'd have to have a surgery on my balls.

Well, as long as your beer can
still pops its top, cut 'em open.

No, it's just...

It just got me thinking.

Your eggs are old, my sperms are tired.

Maybe it's a sign we just sit back
and enjoy each other's company.

No fucking way.

I've been shooting my ass up
with hormones for months.

You can get a tiny ball surgery.

What do you want me to pass
along to a kid, anyway?

More hair in his ears than on his scalp?

Our kid will be 100% me. My
genes are not recessive.

I don't think science works like that.

Fine. It can be one percent you.
There are parts of you I like.

- Oh, yeah?
- Uh-huh.

- What parts?
- Your puppy dog eyes are tolerable.

That'll do, Fig. That will do.

You're getting the surgery.

I am not getting my
balls fucking snipped.

My balls are cut off every day
here. Do you see me quitting?

No more cutting balls talk.

Really?

Where's the rest of that chocolate?

- Oh. Uh...
- Mmm.

Please come in. I'm so sorry

about the food-meeting double tasking.

My Gyrotonic teacher
was late this morning.

It snowballed my entire day. Please sit.

I know you may have heard
about the programs.

What programs?

Oh, the GED and motivational
courses for the inmates.

N... Nothing even worth
talking about, really.

How much is this costing me?

Nothing. They're all volunteer led.

- Then, great!
- Yeah.

That's a solid talking point for
your Channel 3 News interview.

Although, when you say it to
the camera, really sell it.

You know, something like,

"We have an array of exciting
motivational courses available

to all of our inmates."

Um, what interview?

Did you not get the press
release from this morning?

We are shutting down the Psych Ward

and converting it into
more inmate housing.

Wow. Uh... wow.

I know. That's exciting, right?

Uh, we're not concerned about

how we're gonna handle Psych
inmates with gen pop?

They were in Psych for a reason.

I've already spoken to
several federal hospitals

and they have room for some of
our more challenging patients.

And the rest you can just take
care of with medications.

It's a buyer's market for lithium
now. We should really stock up.

Well, meds aren't all one size fits all.

There's also Thorazine or Prolixin.

You know, you should spend some time

with our PolyCon approval manual.

It lists all the medications

- that we get special rates on.
- Mmm.

Full-priced medications are
for suckers, am I right?

Hurray for corporate discounts.
Here are your talking points.

Whoa.

I'm... I'm not sure I'm the best
person to be talking about this.

I've never even done
an interview before.

You'll be great! The young, fresh,
ethnic face of Litchfield Max.

The camera will love you.

And wear your hair just
like that. It's wonderful.

This is going to be an important week.

We are going to be writing letters
to people from our past who...

Ooh! I'm gonna write Raleigh
Peck, from high school.

He played quarterback.

Dibs on Eckhart Tolle.

I am writing to Tolle.

His Power of Now calendar is my
flashlight cutting through the fog,

so back the fuck off.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Please, let me clarify.

You'll be writing an apology

to someone who was a victim of
something you did in the past.

But what if my crime don't got a victim?

Right. I'm innocent, too.

Doesn't necessarily have to
be the victim of the crimes

that got you in here.

So you're talking about the
crimes we didn't get caught for?

Get off the crime of it.

And think about the trauma you
might have inflicted on someone,

intentionally or unintentionally.

All right, let's do a
visualization exercise, huh?

Everyone close your eyes.

Come on, come on. Close your eyes. Yeah?

Imagine you're getting into an
elevator with another person

and you can't see their face yet

because they're staring
down at their phone.

So fucking rude.

Shh! You're fucking
rude for interrupting.

The elevator's going up.

Seventh floor. Eighth floor.

Ninth floor.

All of a sudden, the elevator
shakes and gets stuck.

You turn to the other person for help

only to realize it's someone
you did something horrible to.

Who is that person,

hmm, you'd hate to be trapped
on that elevator with?

I'm gonna write a letter to
Raleigh Peck's girlfriend.

I'm taking the stairs instead.

I'm the real victim here.
Where's my fucking letter?

My mom left and didn't write no letter.

My dad's an asshole, no letter.

I took the fall for the riot. My
man's moving in with some bitch.

I mean, I should write myself a letter.

"Dear self, sorry everyone
in your life's been shit."

Try to dig a little deeper.

All right, come on. Let's get to it.

Give it a shot.

Hayes, is there a problem?
Let's talk about it.

You were in my imagination elevator.

My letter is to you.

Didn't you kill your kids?

Yeah, but they... they can't read.

Princesa, when you gonna
break up with that guy?

Hmm?

When you gonna leave your wife?

As soon as you leave
yours, I'll leave mine.

It's complicated.

We got history. He got me
out of my dad's house.

Do you love him?

I love you.

- You're fun.
- Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

And you talk.

It sure ain't like that with him. But...

you gotta give me some
time to do it right.

I owe him that much.

Maria?

There's a lady doing weird
shit out here. I can't deal.

What the... What?

What are you, some kinda
pervert? Get outta here.

- I need to speak to your manager.
- I'm the manager.

Out, before I call the cops.

I am the cops.

And you're under arrest for
trafficking in counterfeit goods.

You two? You... You looked
so good in those jeans

I sold you the other day.

That's because they are
real True Religion jeans.

Right from the factory in Los Angeles.

No, my guess is they came from China.

All fakes have that mildewy smell

because manufacturers
stuff 'em in plastic bags

before they're even dry.

People like you make my job too easy.
Now, move. Move your feet.

Hey.

Hey, who's gonna close up?

- Thanks for letting me in.
- Well, normally I couldn't do this,

but our head guard is currently
locked in the break room crying,

so I think I can do anything I want.

Don't come in here unless
you have a death wish.

Jesus Christ! There's
something dead in here.

- Is there another rat in the wall?
- No, it's my soul.

You feeling okay? You
walked out on class.

There's no point in going
if I won't finish.

I'm getting out next week.

Congratulations! That is amazing, Hayes.

Come back to class.

Huh? We'll come up with a plan for you

to keep it going on the outside.

I'm only getting out 'cause I
fucked over my best friend.

Ain't no letter gonna fix what I done.

You don't believe that.

You showed up to
restorative justice class.

You made that choice for yourself.

'Cause I didn't want
to end up like no...

crazy, old, smelly-ass,
cockroach-loving hoarder.

But now, I get it.
This is my punishment.

I don't know what this is,
but you served your time.

You can leave it all behind.

You build whatever life
you want out there.

I don't deserve to be released.

Come back to class.

Work on being the person
that deserves it.

Don't focus on what you can't fix.

Focus on what you can.

Yeah, while you're fixing stuff,
maybe get to that toilet.

It hasn't worked in days.

Get out of this cell.

Fresh air'll give you a new
perspective and some sanity.

See you in class.

Yeah. One day,

some do-gooder'll start a
recycling program here,

and I'm gonna be ready.

I'll make a killing.

Hey. How's intel coming along?

Nothing good yet.

Then why you out here?

I got other shit I
gotta deal with first.

Oh, yeah? Shit that's more
important than our little project?

Cindy's getting out on early release.

She lied on the stand, she betrayed
me, and she gets to go free.

- Fuck.
- Yep.

Look at her rubbin' her little
freedom Cheetos in your face.

That's some mad disrespect right there.

I know.

What should we do to her?

"We"? You know I ain't got no money.

Nah. This one's on me.

See, rats, they bring disease.
They make everybody sick.

And you my lifer-sister, at
least until you pay me to die.

You know what?

I could have Adeola teach
her how gravity works.

Nah, man. I don't want to have nobody
getting thrown off no balcony.

Or maybe we could plant a shiv?

Hmm? Steal her date.

Hmm.

But I really don't want to see
her face around here no more.

What do you care? You're not
gonna be here for much longer.

Oh, shit.

Yo, we could rearrange her face
like on some Picasso shit.

Yeah, I think this is
something I gotta do myself.

Hey, I'm Jason. I'm an addict.

Hi, Jason.

Ten years ago today, I
took my last 15 oxys.

And it's because

all of you kept repeating...

... this mantra to me until
I finally believed it.

"Keep coming back because
you're worth it."

Oh, man, I thought it
was so corny at first.

But I kept coming back

because people like you kept
telling me to come back.

And then one day I finally
heard it. I'm worth it.

I had never let myself think that before

because my parents never
allowed me to think that.

It wasn't enough to be a great
swimmer. I had to be perfect.

This meant no hanging out with
friends, definitely no girlfriends.

No TV, no video games.

There were so many rules.

I couldn't even take a bathroom
break without being timed.

So when my dad came home with
meds from his knee surgery,

I took one.

It was my way of rebelling.

I personally put their
Imam request on your desk.

It is sitting there
right in front of you.

I expect it signed and back
on my desk tomorrow morning!

- Is now a bad time?
- Yes!

I brought you this.

Mmm. I'm a sucker for a gift bag.

Ta-da.

What about me makes you
think I'm a plant person?

I... I heard that, uh, plants do
better with a companion plant.

Even if they hate each other, the
hate makes them live longer.

Clearly you've been talking to Joe.

He loves to attribute human
emotions to leaves and twigs.

So what have you two merry
crusaders hit a wall on?

He said, uh, he's not as good with
Linda-related things as you are.

And I've heard how well
you've handled her.

Yeah. I handled her so
well I ended up here.

So what is the conniving turd up to now?

She is shutting down Psych.

Of course she is. Jesus.

It's probably great for
PolyCon's stock projections.

Well, it's dangerous to put Psych
inmates with regular inmates.

They need specialized care.

And I've done some research.
I've got the numbers...

Save your energy.

That train has left the station.

You just have to decide if
you wanna get on board,

or at least pretend to.

Pretending with Linda is one thing,

uh, but she's having
me speak to the press.

You're her human shield. I...

I have got to hand it to her.
She is outdoing herself.

I'm not a good liar. The
press is gonna eat me alive.

No, they won't.

Because I'm going to
teach you something.

It's called pivot and deflect.

Sounds like a dance move.

It is a dance.

They... They step forward with a
question, you step to the side

and answer the question you
wish they'd asked. Got it?

I want to say yes because
your face says to,

but I don't got it.

Okay, um, pretend you're the interviewer

and ask me if I like your present.

Uh... do you like the
plant that I gave you?

Uh, that is a great question.

But this isn't about my
enjoyment of succulents.

It is about the enjoyment
they can bring to everyone.

So I need you to make sure those plants

bring joy to as many people as possible.

Here.

I am so glad that you are doing this.

You are good at this.

"I'm sorry, dear maples of Vermont...

for wasting your sticky sweetness,

your lifeblood,

to drown a man.

I'm sorry,

and I'm thankful."

Some people deserve to die.

All right, then.

I'm not sure that the maples
necessarily should be

the recipient of your apology,

but it was heartfelt.

I eat pancakes dry as penance.

Okay, then. Uh, Ruiz, you're up.

"Fuck you, Yadriel.

I don't give you permission to take
my baby to live with some ho."

Time out. Time out.

It's the word "ho," isn't it? I
went back and forth on that one.

I know we're not supposed to
call each other that no more.

Gotta take it back, ho.

Change it to "puta." Gives it
more punch with an ethnic flair.

It's not why I stopped you.

I stopped you because it doesn't
sound like a letter to your victim.

But I don't got a victim, remember?

All I did was sell some
bitches a few fake clothes.

They wanted brand names,
I gave them brand names.

So who's the victim there?

- Gucci?
- Fuck a Gucci.

I am the victim, so I wrote a
letter to one of my victimizers.

That wasn't the assignment.

That one over there apologized to trees.

At least it was an apology.

Uh, my advice, go back
and give it another try.

Well, nobody asked you, Dear Abby.

Sorry I'm late.

Letter took longer than I thought.

I'm glad to have you back.

You... You wanna share?

Does everything that happens
in here stay in here?

Of course. Right, ladies?

I'll keep your secrets like Vegas.

That stuff always ends
up on the Instagram.

I'll keep your secrets
like we're in Fight Club.

Um...

So I have a lot of victims,

and some of them I can't do
anything about right now,

so I decided to start with someone

I hope I'm seein' first when I get out.

"Dear Ma, I'm sorry.

I don't think I ever said that to you,

but if you had a dollar for every
time I should have said it,

you'd be hanging with those
Amazon and Facebook dudes,

countin' your money."

"At the top of the list,

I'm sorry I stuck you with
raising my baby as your own.

I'm especially sorry if
she's anything like me.

I'm also sorry I tried to
take her away from you.

I know that I may be her birth mom,

but you are her mom-mom.

You're the person
that's been in her face

every day, whether she likes it or not.

The person who makes her
egg and bacon smiles,

gives her boob-smother
hugs when she's sick,

and knows what Slurpee flavor
will get her to smile.

I know how much the truth would
hurt both you and Monica,

so this is the last time

I'll talk about giving birth to her.

And it'll be my first step
towards being the person

you'd be proud to call your daughter.

I hope we can all live
together when I get out, so...

so I can make it up to both of you.

Love, your daughter, Cindy."

That's great.

You have to position the claw
over the body, not the head.

How else do you expect to win the bear?

Use your common sense.

- Yeah?
- You picked up!

Stop calling me.

I want to apologize.

Please let me say I'm sorry.

I got greedy and I made the
wrong choice. I know that.

- We were done with all that.
- I know.

And I screwed up our life.

Don't you know how much I wish I
was in that food court right now,

eating sandwiches with you?

I can't do this. Please
don't call anymore.

Yadriel, wait. I'm pregnant.

Yadriel, you there?

When did that happen?

I don't know,

but you're the only one I've been with.

Yadriel? Are you there?

Yadriel.

I'm gonna be a daddy.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

It's two-ply.

Yeah, you are.

Take a seat.

Good, good.

- How was your day?
- Shh.

Niall is cock-blocking Adam from
stealing Kendall's pussy away.

Why are we watching a bunch
of Brexit voters in bikinis?

- You know they didn't vote.
- Which was a vote for Brexit.

But abs.

You gotta stop.

It's already eating your brain. Come
on, now, tell me about your day.

No, I want the hot glistening bodies
to zap away my brain and my day.

- ... you've got to keep your cards...
- I can't.

I'm just a bit out there.

Well, I had a real breakthrough
in Restorative Justice today.

Yeah, I don't want to hear about
your Dangerous Minds bullshit

while I'm stuck making the world worse

at the horror version
of Coming to America.

Well, at least we're
canceling each other out.

Ha-ha-ha.

Why don't you do good and
go make me some dinner?

I did get you a gift at the market.

Better not be another succulent.

"Two can hate each
other and still live."

If I learned anything from Love Island,

it's that three will
tear each other apart.

Unless you're planning
on incorporating this

into a deceptively low-carb
carbonara, not interested.

They're not for eating.

- They're for my balls.
- Jesus, Joe.

I am not kinking the way you're kinking.

They're not for that, either.

The doctor said I'm gonna need them
to ice my boys after the surgery.

What happened to taking your
balls and staying home?

During the class you
won't let me talk about,

I had a realization that
maybe I do have something

to contribute to the next generation.

I still don't want to hear
about your day, but I'm glad.

The appointment's next week.

Doctor said I'd be
healed and doing yoga,

if I did that kind of thing.

- Yeah.
- But I'll need you to drive me.

Shh. Wait.

Oh, my God. Uh, why are none of
these women going for the doctor?

... Alex has seen some
pretty nasty injuries.

But every doctor knows
nothing hurts more...

It's important to note

that while the inmates with the
most complex mental health needs

will be in great hands

at a few select federal
psychiatric facilities,

it will also give our inmates
with less severe issues

a chance to integrate into gen
pop and, hopefully, society.

So you're their advocate?

I am trying to be.

I'm trying to help these women
regain a sense of dignity.

It's very important they see
themselves as more than inmates.

They're someone's mother, someone's
daughter, sister, friend.

And... And people are
interested in hearing

what is going to happen to them.

Can you tell me more about
your integration plan?

Right. Uh...

You know, I'm glad you brought this up.

This isn't about
hypothetical future plans,

it's about the plans we have put in
place for our inmates currently.

And I would love to talk to you more

about the new rehabilitative
programs we've started.

Studies have shown that
these give our inmates

the best chance of
success on the outside.

Now, are these programs something
Psych inmates can integrate into?

They should really have
their own programs

specifically tailored to their needs.

Which are?

Uh, we're still looking into those,

uh, dis... discussing what's possible.

Well, I'm sure whatever you
come up with will be amazing.

Especially since you'll have
$2.5 million to spend a year.

That's a specific number.

It's what PolyCon is saving a year

by closing down the Psychiatric wing.

Right, of course.

Is that not what PolyCon
is doing with the money?

It is.

We're putting it back into the prison,

and it will allow us to have

an array of exciting
motivational courses

available to all our inmates.

And it will include the new programs

and more guards specifically trained
for our neurodiverse inmates.

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

Accept. What up?

Hey, girl! Ooh, I was
hoping you'd pick up first.

How's school?

- You getting your homework done?
- Yeah, girl.

You girl-ing me now?

Well, all right, girl...

- Who's that?
- Her.

- Mr. Viktora still teaching math?
- Give me the phone.

You know he married an African
princess when he did the peace corps?

Mr. Viktora died last year. I think
it was E. coli or something.

- Or maybe he was old. I don't know.
- Give me the phone.

- One second.
- Hmm.

Okay. But you still liking math?

Since when are you interested in math?

Since now. School's important.

Boring. Look, I got some GloZell
to catch up on. Bye, girl.

Wait. You still like watching
Suite Life with Zack and Cody?

She stopped watching that a while ago.

Hey, Ma. Um...

You got time for me to
read you something?

I'm on my way out. Can you
read it to me next week?

I won't be so crazy then.

Well, next week I'm getting out.

I'm sorry for everything
I've done to you, Ma.

And... And I know I got a long way to go

to get you to trust me again,

but can I stay with you guys?

If you were to live with us,
there'd have to be some rules.

This is a sensitive
time in Monica's life

and I don't want you coming in here
all Hurricane Cindy like you do.

Yes, of course. Of course, Ma.

I will live by whatever
rules you need me to.

- You won't get a pass this time.
- Understood.

I'm trying to change, Ma.

I want you to be proud of me.

Well, we'll see how things go, then.

Now, how do we come and get you?

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Don't make me laugh!

You move like a snail.

It is a miracle we
haven't been caught yet.

I tried something new today.

Is that mine? Are you fucking
single white female-ing me?

No, uh... Here. Touch.

You have abs. Good for you. Now,
put that back where you found it.

I wish I had abs.

If I did, I'd enter a bikini
contest and win the prize money.

These are chargers. We can smuggle
so many more in this way.

Impressive.

Will you help me take it off?

I can't...

Where in Texas are you from?

Oh, that? No, um...

When I was little, we were
studying Native Americans,

and I learned that the
Hasinai tribal word "texas"

means "Hello, friend."

It just stuck with me.

Couldn't have gone with "aloha"?

Your turn.

I think I can manage my own bustier.

It's tricky with the chargers.
It'll be faster if I do it.

At least my tattoo isn't a cliché.

Fuck you. That's my lucky star.

I'm sure it is.

There.

You're like a suicide bomber.

I should get back.

Bye.

What's so important you
needed to tell me in person?

I want to read you a letter.

You know how hard it is to
find somebody on short notice

to take care of Pepa?
Next time, mail it to me.

This isn't easy for me, all right?

So just let me read it
before I change my mind.

"I want to apologize
for a lot of things.

I'm sorry I didn't trust
how you were raising Pepa.

You're the one out there
with her every day.

The one who picked up the
pieces when I fucked up.

I made a lot of bad choices
the past few years,

but the one thing I did right was
choosing you to be Pepa's daddy.

I understand you got to
move on with your life.

I've held you back long enough.

What I'm trying to say is,

I want what's good for you, 'cause
that's what's good for Pepa."

Thank you.

I'm not done.

I'm trusting you out there with her.

So I need you to trust
me in here with her.

I want you to start bringing her again.

She should know who her mommy is.

You know I don't want her thinking
this place is an option for her.

Believe me, you bring her here

and I'll show her how
this is not an option.

She's gonna ask about me.

So it's better to be ahead of it.

Okay.

But if she starts going down the
wrong road, we stop coming.

We'll make those decisions together.

I can do that.

One more thing.

I want to meet this new woman that
Pepa's spending her time with.

What's her name?

Her name's Maria.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

Oh, fuck you, you fucking pussy.

Who got voted off the island?

Litvack denied my Imam
request in an email

while I'm out of the office.

Fucking coward.

He says, and I quote, "We
can't have women congregating

and speaking in foreign languages."

Those guys keep things
as hellish as possible

so those women beg to be deported.

I'm just another cog
in their shit machine.

Well, maybe it's time
to take a step back.

Reassess what you want.

I've been much happier
since someone very wise

told me I could make more of a
difference outside the system.

Refer to me as sexy, not wise.

And, unlike you, I have no
illusions of making a difference.

Now, be quiet, so I can
start watching episode 38.

Time to go!

All right. Let's wake up the troops!

Did you post something about
my surgery on Facebook?

According to Facebook, I'm
still happily married, so, no.

Also, I haven't logged in
since the Russians took over.

I'm getting a lot of love and support.

Excuse me.

That's weird.

Mrs. Caputo, this is where we leave you.

As if I would ever take your name. Come.

- Give me a second. Just a minute.
- Stop stalling! Come on!

The sooner we do this, the
sooner we get to babymaking.

Be nice to the nice nurse.

Hayes... Ugh. You ready?

Well, it's been interesting
living with you.

You leaving your stuff here?

Yeah. I don't want to
take this place with me.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with all that junk?

Well, good luck to you.
Hope I never see you again.

Hold up. Can you give me a minute?

You wanna stay in prison
longer? Knock yourself out.

Oh!

"Slams the body down."

Uh... this is like Christmas
gifts and hide-and-seek

and cooking soufflés and
bathroom stalls. No peeking.

I'm gonna miss you, Suzanne.

Oh.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Mmm.

Wait.

- Why am I missing you?
- I'm leaving. Like leaving-leaving.

No.

No, no, no.

You... You... You
can't go. You can't go.

I'm not done writing.

I mean, does canceled
have one "L" or two?

And is it "affect" or "effect"?

There's so many questions and so
little time to fix you and Taystee!

You can't...

Thank you.

Thank you for always trying
to make things better.

I got a lot to learn from you.

I'm gonna write you letters.

I'mma call you to see how you're doing.

"See"?

But I won't see what you're doing.

'Cause it's a phone.

Oh. Oh.

Will you send me pictures
of you doing fun stuff?

Like riding a bicycle, or...
Do you ride bicycles?

Yes.

Or ice-skating when it's cold.

Or roller-skating when it's hot.
General movement with wheels.

Oh, except for scooters.

'Cause my dad says adults on
scooters look like idiots.

But secretly, I think
they look kind of fun.

- I heard Cindy got out today.
- I know.

And you're okay with her walking
out there free like that?

You shoulda let me messed up her
face when we had the chance.

I thought about that. But I'm
pretty confident her life

is gonna be what she
deserves on the outside.

'Cause life likes to test you like that.

You can choose to do what's right,

or you can choose to do
what you know is wrong.

And when you make a bad choice,

living with what you've done
can be its own punishment.

'Cause you can be sure as shit

those skeletons will
come back to haunt you.

Cindy!

Yo!

Sayonara, suckers!

Y'all can kiss my black ass.

Kiss it, kiss it, kiss it, kiss it!

Really, Cindy? You have
to scream profanity?

Oh, my baby.

Oh!

Hey, girl.

Come on, bring it in,
Monica. Look at you, girl.

So big.

Yo, is that what I think it is?

Half orange, half Coke.

Orange Coke! Thank you, Ma!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
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