All language subtitles for Funny.Lady.23.976fps.ENG

I got a blind date
Waiting to call on me

Any minute now

I got a blind date
What am I gonna see?

Any minute now

Right over there's the doorway
He will be walking through

Will he be 6 foot 8
Or only 4 foot 2?

It could happen!

I got a blind date
Waiting to come around

Any minute now

Oy, but I'm nervous
Listen to my heart pound

What do I need this headache?
Single is not a crime

I got a blind date
And with my luck

He'll come on time

I got a girlfriend, Shirley
Who says, "Why not?"

She's an idiot

This guy's a friend from a friend
Of a friend she got

What an idiot

What do I need from Shirley?
Her and her 50 cup

I got a blind date
And I'm praying

He stands me up

What am I praying he stands me up?
I'll stand him up.

I'm gonna hide under the bed.
He'll never see me.

He'll go away, and that's
the end of that. Perfect!

You keep quiet, not a word.
You didn't see a thing.

Oh, there he is.
Okay, quiet everybody, quiet!

Rosalie? She doesn't seem to be here.

That's never happened to me before.

It worked! He never saw me.

Boy, am I lucky.
I didn't see him neither.

But I can imagine
what a lox that one was.

- Wait, that not right?
- He looks like Rudolph!

- Who?
- Rudolph Valentino.

- Get away!
- That's right.

- Is this person kidding me around?
- No!

Get away.

Well, that's what happened.
I let him get away.

What'll I do now?
Maybe become a nun

That's impossible.

I'm calling Shirley
Maybe she'll bring a gun

Please, Shirley

Even if he's Lon Chaney
Fat, bald or short or tall

Having a blind date's better than
Having no date at no time

With no one at all

He's cute. Hello there!

Oh, my God! Oh, Shirley!

Thank you. I can't find him.

He said he'd be here
before the finale.

He said if he could make it tonight,
he'd get here before the finale.

- He'll be here. He'll be here.
- Don't get your hopes up too high.

- I really hate to see this show close.
- We'll do another one soon.

See you on the breadline.

I told you, I told you, Adele!

" I'll always love you."
He'll always love me.

Fanny...

...Nick didn't come with the flowers.

This did.

I'm afraid it's pumpkin time,
princess.

Why don't you go pass out...

...the presents to the kids.

Before the booze eats its
way out of the bottles.

Easy come, easy go.

Out, out! If you're gonna sob,
do a single.

Anything coming up?
Anything at all?

Oh, yeah. I've auditioned
for a few things.

I'm scared, Fanny.

I think I'm going to be
a little too...

...distinguished to go on shaking
it around, you know?

How many shows have we
been in, Bobby?

- Six?
- Oh, easy.

You knew me before Nick...

...during Nick...

...after Nick.

You always do things for me.
It's time I started paying you.

- Hey, Fanny. I'm not really...
- Maybe you're not, but I am, really.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I got the willies too.

The show closing...
Can you balance a checkbook?

Now, you know, I bet I could.
If somebody showed me how.

You don't have to offer me a job.
I can't take your money.

Who's offering you money?
You think I got any money?

- We'll all be back soon, Miss Brice.
- You bet.

You better start getting
the gum off the seats.

- Hey, I got a terrific idea.
- What?

Move into my place, Bobby.
No pay, but room and board.

I think we can help each other.
I mean it.

I'm gonna say something stupid.

I know a little of what you're going
through. You see, I miss Nick too.

So I do know a little bit
of what it's like.

It's just a matter of time, Fanny.

And Nick's pride. He will make
a comeback, and when he does...

...you'll be there.
- Yeah.

I ain't going nowhere, kid.
Except home. Come on.

I'll race you.

When do you start the new Follies?

He can't raise the money, Barney.

Ziegfeld can't raise the money?
Not even from Buck?

- Things are tough.
- Even the grocer is suing us.

It'll look lousy going
to court over corn flakes.

Fanny, darling, I think
I'd better make you a loan.

" Dollink," I better sell my house.
What can I get?

Not anywhere near what it's worth,
with the mortgage it carries.

- What about a second mortgage?
- What about a loan?

What's the use of borrowing?

- There are Fran's holdings.
- I didn't hear it.

It's all right, please.

He'll understand.

There's an important meeting.
I do apologize, Mr. Baruch.

Excuse me, Mr. Baruch,
but I bought you this milkshake.

Sorry to bust in on you
like this, Miss Brice.

I hope the milkshake's
not C.O.D., kid.

Now that we're all here,
is there anything I can do?

Fanny, Mr. Rose is
a man of many parts.

He's a champion speed-writer,
200 words a minute.

We're going over holdings.

Maybe I can be of some help.

- Do you mind?
- Why should I mind?

So, l...

I'd like to make a few suggestions.

You should take a few more losses.
These will only go lower.

So, I'd sell.

American Hide at 34, now 81 l2.
AT&T bought at 150, now 111.

Cellutex at 60, now 3.

Keep it. We shouldn't cause
them more aggravation.

Cuban Sugar, from 21 to 3,
Elkhorn Coal bought at 51 l2, now 1 l8.

- Elkhorn Coal? Figures.
- Noranda Mines bought at 17, now 17.

Bought at 17, still at 17?
That's a winner.

Maracaibo Oil bought at 103,
now 13l4.

Pennsylvania Coal
bought at 121 l2, now 4.

Sell! Before they wipe my kid out!

Billy, did you get it?

- That sums it up.
- There's an act in there.

Now if you'd allow me
to make you a loan...

- Thank you for seeing me, Barney.
- Anytime, my dear. Anytime.

Come on, Bobby.

- Nice seeing you again.
- Same here.

Listen...

...Miss Brice, hang onto that AT&T.
Believe me.

Who's the pansy?

Mr. Moore is her secretary,
an old friend from the days with Nick.

She should've taken a loss.

Look at this child.
That was gorgeous!

You better get out there.
Why don't you cut a record?

Who can afford?
Where am I gonna get new material?

We should get all duded up,
go around to all the spots.

Right, right. Wonderful, wonderful.

What'd she say?

It makes her mad
when I let my nose drip.

So you mean anytime my nose drips...

...I have to say " Mouche mon nez"?

Fanny, really. Let's do like I said.
Go out and tour the clubs.

See if there's anything
we can borrow.

This way, please.

Oh, there's Fanny Brice!

- Find out who wrote that song.
- Sure. Order me a stinger.

- Hey, Buck.
- Bobby. Fanny!

- Buck! How are they running?
- Dandy. Good to see you.

Meet Miss Norma Butler.

- Glad to meet you, Norma.
- It's a thrill to meet you.

- Nice set of beads.
- Thank you.

Fanny, I'll call you.

- Let's go, baby.
- Bye.

Hey there, Miss Brice.
How are you?

Quite an entrance.
You know how to part the waters.

Ain't difficult in a bathtub.

- Well, a small thing, but my own.
- Oh, yeah?

- Good for you.
- Hello there, Joe.

You don't remember me?
From Mr. Baruch's office. "Sell!"

Did you hang onto that AT&T?

- Oh, yeah. I did. You better be right.
- Well, I'm always right.

You got some ashes on your jacket.

When I saw you, you were
working for Barney.

Respectable.
Suddenly you're in the clip business?

Not so suddenly.

I haven't worked for Mr. Baruch
in years. We're just friends.

- You mind?
- No, go right ahead.

- How do you...?
- Oh, excuse me.

Oh, thank you. That's cute.

To tell you the truth...

...I knew you were in that office
that day. I just wanted to meet you.

Waiter, one Scotch and water,
and one stinger. What'll you have?

The drinks are on the house.
Bring me the usual.

Something you stir up in back?

- I drink celery tonic.
- Celery tonic?

- Mother said, "A boozer is a loser."
- You had a mother?

So, how'd you get from Baruch
to here? And why?

- Maybe I wanted to meet girls.
- You like the girls.

Sorry I took long. The guy
who wrote it runs this club.

His name's Rose.

That a fact?

Bobby, I'm sorry. You remember
Mr. Rose from Baruch's office?

Oh! Oh, yeah, sure.

I didn't recognize you
without your shake.

You really write
" More Than You Know"?

I wrote it before breakfast.

"When A Woman Loves A Man"
before my coffee.

I might like to record it, maybe we
can get together on a second number.

I'm sure we can.

I have three numbers I think
would be terrific for you.

But I promised them to Ruth Etting.

Maybe I can get one of them back.

But if I do, I'll let you have
it for what Etting pays...

...which is one-third off of my price,
because I like the broad.

- I feel a little sorry for her.
- Do you believe your ears?

Kid...

...new song writers
pay me to record their stuff.

I ain't that new.

" More Than You Know," I don't like
enough to buy, only enough to steal.

That's what I said in the first place.
" More Than You Know" is a steal.

But take it.
I wanna talk about the other number.

The one you're gonna love.

You'll love what I do for you.
When I record, it sells.

I know that. You're the greatest.
I'm lucky you know I'm alive.

But let me talk about something else.
This other number...

I believe in it so much,
I'm willing to gamble.

Record this, I'll make you full
partner. I'll give you the rights.

If it sells under 100,000,
we split the royalties.

It goes over,
give me my full percentage.

That's before we even start talking
about the really big numbers...

...which is sheet music.
So you see, it's all a steal.

- Metaphorically.
- Metaphorically?

This is a shrewd kid, Bobby.

I'll marry him.
I hate paying for material.

Even laughs in the right places.

If you get your suit cleaned,
it's a match.

Ruth Etting, my ass.

Anytime I want your ass,
I'll know what to call it.

Come on, Bobby.

- I expect a lead sheet.
- Thursday.

- Can I have my cigarettes, please?
- Oh, yeah, I'm...

Ganef, huh?

Take care of yourself, will you?

That's a wonderful girl there.

Three, four...

What's with the clarinets?
It's killing the melody.

Why don't you sit over there, kid?

Everything'll be all right, you know.
Just relax, okay?

Where're we up to?

Bar what? Okay, 15.

The drums, too heavy. I don't like it.

Skinny, smoother on the drums.

- You wanna try one?
- Yeah, sure.

Why don't you see how it sounds.

I know how it sounds. Lousy.
The strings are too hot.

- What?
- The strings are too hot.

- Let me hear four bars from the top.
- Four bars from the top.

He's right, Fritz.
Bring down the strings.

Bring up the horns.

- Bring up the horns.
- Bring up the horns, boys.

Let's go for a take. Top?

Could we take that a little slower?

Ready?

Fanny Brice. " More Than You Know."
Take One.

Come in.

When did you see Billy Rose last?

Three days ago.

I don't believe it! Nobody can!

He has just announced a show
starring W.C. Fields...

...Marilyn Miller, Eddie Cantor,
Bert Robbins and you.

In that order?

Well, no, actually you
do get first billing.

Well, I guess I better go have
a little talk with the little man.

Are you a decorator
or are you a painter?

Paint the chair,
I'll hold this watch on you.

However long it takes,
we'll multiply it by 200.

So we'll know how long it takes.

That's the time I pay you for.

Sure, Mr. Rose. Where do you
want me to do the painting?

Right here, you thief, where
I can watch you. Got a cigarette?

- Just one second.
- Yeah, come in.

- It's a wonderful surprise.
- I'll bet.

What are you stand...?
Do it in the hall.

Do it where I can see you.

- Miss Brice.
- Painting contractor.

The chairs.

- All right, you ready?
- One second, one second.

All right, go, go.

Thieving bastards.
Gotta watch them every minute.

Well, I'm very glad
that you came up here.

I'm sorry you found me like this.
I worked very late at the club.

I appreciate you're a hard worker.

What I don't appreciate
is that you're a fast worker.

Where do you get the nerve,
using my name in your release?

- Interested in explanations?
- In retractions.

- Maybe you'll agree to...

To be in some half-assed
sandlot production...

...by a tasteless
Johnny-come-lately hustler like you?

I was a Ziegfeld star when you...

...were sweating through
shorthand class!

I know where I can get $50,000
right now.

- Really?
- Yes.

If I get you, I can pull in...

...another star.
But it's you I really want.

And you can get 50,000
when Ziegfeld can't?

Hey, that ain't good enough.

- I know you can do better than that.
- Sure.

Where?

- Where?
- Where can you get the 50,000?

- Bolton.
- Buck is Ziggy's bank.

- He's mine now.
- How?

Believes in me.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're not
just a nickel-and-dime hustler.

Maybe what you are is a bigtime pimp.

Buck's got a new girl.
Does she get billing?

- She works sketches? Don't lie.
- Not yours.

- Look, Fanny, you need a show.
- Really?

Why try to scrape up an act
when you can do a show?

You need me.

- Kid, you need me.
- Let me rephrase it.

- Please. Use me.
- Let me rephrase it. Don't use me.

You want me to be in your
cockamamie show, you ask me nice.

Fanny, do my show.

Please.

Yeah. Please.

Because...

I need you.

- Just don't aggravate me.
- You'll do it?

- What a crummy world.
- Thattagirl. Come on.

Why don't you get a manicure?
Cost a buck.

It's not the buck.
It takes 20 minutes.

- I'm done, Mr. Rose.
- I gotta use your john.

- Yeah, well, listen...
- Hello. Is that the door to the john?

- You're Fanny! I don't believe it!
- That Fanny Brice goes to the can?

Oh, my God! I see all your shows
every chance I get. I die laughing.

- Sometimes I laugh so hard that l...
- Fall right out of bed?

- Excuse me, Mr. Rose.
- Yeah, sorry.

- What have you got?
- Eight minutes.

Eight minutes per chair.
You want two coats?

That's two coats, that's 16 chairs.

Sixteen minutes times 200
is 3200 minutes.

53 hours. I'll pay cash for 45 hours.
Take it or leave it.

Sure, Mr. Rose. It's okay with me.
Glad to get the work.

And congratulations,
you got a show going.

Spray 'em.

Four weeks of rehearsal,
this is what you come up with?

- What do you call that step?
- That's a shim-sham.

Wonderful. I got such a headache.
What is this? Oh, that's cute. Cute.

- Mr. Rose!
- What? They're dancing.

You made 16 girls look like two.

Oy, you bring me roosters?
What are you smiling at? I hate it!

I pay this creep thousands.
To design shrouds? Put it on a horse!

- Who's that?
- One of the showgirls.

- I know. Who hired her?
- You did.

Get rid of her. What?

- About Norma's costumes...
- I'm sick about it. The director is.

- What would straighten them out?
- Money.

Can I hear the words this time?
I'd like to hear Billy Rose lyrics.

Paper, paper, paper.

There's a " D" in cardboard.
A "car" board is on the end of a car!

I like him
I know he's phony

But when they package it nice
And market it right

I buy baloney

Yes, I like him

Though I can see he's the type
I better get busy and do unto first

Before I find he's done unto me

He's mostly made of chutzpah

A fake, a con, a lie

Could be I like him, maybe
'Cause so am I

Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!

- Maybe I can help you out.
- I wish you would.

I don't think they understand
what you're talking about.

Kids, Mr. Rose is a very fine
lyricist, an artist.

He has great respect
for the written word.

And I think he wants
you to articulate his artistry.

This girl didn't get to where she got
from not understanding what I say.

You want me to show you?

Hey, Freddie, one, two, three, four.

I like her
I think she's funny

And we've a mutual interest
Deep down inside

Money

Yes, I like her
Although it's true she's the type

You'd better get busy
And do unto first

Before you find she's done unto you

I'm certain there's a Fanny
You seldom get to see

Whoever that is
Maybe she'll like me

You know, you'd better learn
to be a little nicer.

Otherwise, those kids
are gonna walk out on you.

Where do you read that crap?
Take five.

Not now, Bobby. I know. Yeah.

- Have you seen Norma?
- Oh, no.

Bucky! Bucky. Oh, these costumes
are just beautiful.

Cliff, are you ready to start
the technical rehearsal yet? Cliff!

- You don't think a moose gets a laugh?
- It's a buffalo.

I can get a laugh without a moose
or whatever else.

Without tons of scenery. The thing
is over-produced. You're dripping.

Screw it. The moose is funny
and he stays. I'm the producer.

You do your job, I'll do mine.

I thought I hired a press agent.
Where have you been?

What's the problem?

Have we got any press
coming from New York?

No, Billy. Just the locals,
and that's bad enough.

That's funny? Get out of here.

- He got a name?
- Charles. His name is Charles.

- This moose is gonna get a big laugh.
- Buffalo.

Watch your cues, Charles.
You step on a line, it's open season.

- I'm so nervous!
- Break a leg.

Wait, I have an entrance.
My hat! Please, I have a cue.

Where's Norma?

Tell that idiot to slow down!

What the hell is happening here?

What's happening? What are you doing?

- Schmuck, what are you doing?
- I'm trying!

I'm doing my best, sweetheart.

Oh, God, wait'll I get my hands
on that little putz!

Fifty million Frenchmen
Can't be wrong

When they go
Ohh la la, la la la la

On the bully boulevard

Let's hope this one goes better.

You're whistling
in the dressing room?

Keep it going. Keep going.

Is this producer nuts?
We need an army to move this.

Keep going. Just keep going,
I don't care how long.

"You do your job, I'll do mine."
What crap! Get out!

If you'd sing like you yell,
we'd have a hit.

- I'll give you a hit.
- Dress, Fanny.

Listen, we had a little technical
trouble in the first half.

The trouble is that we got
an amateur producer.

Get out of this room, you little bum.
Throw him out.

Get Bobby to throw this bum out.

If you're gonna have me thrown out,
it won't be by your pet poodle.

Lovely, darling.
A trifle slow in the beginning.

The buses stopped running
and we got an act to go.

- They adore it.
- They love it.

Five minutes.
Second act in five minutes.

Get out!

Billy, I'd like to talk to you
about a tiny cut.

Would you look at this place?
Drops the shells all over the floor.

Keep singing, keep singing.

Hit the rain.

Boys, come back. It's only water!
Just keep playing.

Thank you, mister.

- What's that?
- The reviews.

- Of what?
- The first act.

Thank God they didn't stick around.

There are 10 people out there.
I'm going to lay them in the aisles.

Fanny?

- Get me the house detective!
- It's me!

- Are you crazy?
- It's only a joke. It's only a joke.

It's me. I got those tickets.
We're rehearsing.

- You idiot!
- Charades.

I'll call you later. Right, goodbye.

Are you some kind of
break-and-enter artist?

You wouldn't let me in.
I borrowed a key.

You gave me a heart attack!

- I'll tell you how we fix the show.
- We?!

Mr. Rose, I have been
through burlesque, Ziegfeld...

...childbirth, divorce, the Crash.

Last year I saw my daughter
ride in a pony show.

I've also been
kicked in the ass by a horse.

But I've never been through
anything like last night.

- I know. I know.
- What?

- Look, we got a few weak spots.
- Buffalo shit!

- Look...
- Get out!

Childbirth, was that easy?

Like pushing a piano
through a transom.

- We gotta push this one through.
- You push this one.

8 a.m., I call my lawyers. Out!

All right.

All right, all right, all right.

Goddamn it.

What is the matter with you?

I might as well tell you
the whole mess, Fanny.

What?

Wasn't just Bucky's money.
I spent that weeks ago.

I needed some more so I...

...I had to borrow from the boys,
and it's gone too.

- They'll build me into the highway.
- That's good news.

- I'm not kidding.
- I'm not either.

I'm into them bad.
They're gonna come for me.

Oh, God, they're gonna come for me.
They'll come for me.

You borrowed money with no backup?

- Yep.
- You must be smoky in the head.

Look, you gotta help me, please.
I know I can fix the show.

Please, I can fix it. Give it to me.

Bucky'll stay in.
If you stay, I know I can fix it.

What happened was mostly my fault.
You were right about everything.

The sets, the costumes.
Charles? Everything.

But the songs are good.

I'll get some dancers to back up Bert.
And the sketches, they're good.

They're swamped by
your damn production.

Teach me. I can learn.
I learn it faster than anybody.

- You need a show.
- You gonna start that again?

I don't need you. I'm a star.

Listen. Come on, Fanny.

- Where you gonna get some more dough?
- Same place I got it before.

Why not?

You get knocked off, you might
as well do it for a good sum.

- Let me take a look at this.
- Ow! What are you, nuts?

Why don't you get some sleep.
Why are you up? It's 4 a.m.

You must be crazy, I'll tell you.
- Go to sleep.

Give me the key. The key.

- I'll return it.
- Give me the key.

Thanks.

Go to sleep. It's 4:00.

Billy...

...you think you can get your friends
to take Charles for a ride?

You gotta dump two-thirds of the set.
Simplify the orchestrations.

The Spanish number.
Cut the gypsies and the campfire.

Did you ever hear of "in one"?
A curtain and me.

See, I come out,
and I'm Martha Graham.

You see, Billy, in a tutu,
I can be funny.

If Little Eva was Jewish,
maybe funny.

- Time for us to part
- I'll be twinkling

So long, honey lamb
I'll be keeping you

Right here in my heart

Watch me winkling

Think of this as temporary
Just a toodle-loo

Toodle-Ioo to you too!

Oh, God, was that a note!

It was given to me by my friend
Grace Moore on my birthday.

Oy, was she glad to get rid of it.

I gotta have more in the second act,
a new number.

What about Bert's number
"Clap Hands"? Where are the hands?

- Another number that's gonna work.
- It's working now.

It's almost working.
Get the sequins off the gloves.

Hey, Clark, get the
goddamn sequins off the gloves!

Hey, Clark, get the
goddamn sequins off the gloves!

Yeah, listen, what can I tell you?
He's a maniac.

Listen, I didn't invent them.
I'm just his press agent.

- Did you call Buffalo?
- I'm on it.

Sorry, this evening's
performance is sold out.

Hey, we're sold out tonight?
Hey, you hear? We're sold out.

We're sold out. We're sold out.
We're sold out. Hey!

- Let's make this the last one.
- Watch the silk.

We're SRO tonight.
We're SRO tomorrow night.

Here's the picture.

I'll take a celery tonic
out of your shoe.

Not from this shoe. This is a
custom-made shoe. Give me my shoe.

Give me something.
Give me a nice tooth.

You got a nice tooth.
Give me an earring.

Give me your hand.

Get up off the floor.
You'll ruin your pants.

It's a new act. Brice and Rose.
We go through life together.

You better do a job
on the four-sheets.

You have to see it on an
outhouse wall 200 yards away...

...going 60 miles an hour.

No fine print.
All that matters is, can they see it?

Yellow and black.
You got it? Good.

You're such a slob.
Why do you drop your shells?

I gave you good advice.
I hope you got it.

- When I got you, I got it all.
- Are you crazy?

What? Nobody can touch a star?

Stop that! I don't like being handled.

Is that right?

- Is that right?
- Stop that!

I am sorry, I really am.
I'm so sorry. Billy, please.

Can I help you brush your coat off?

Billy, I just grabbed the first thing.
I grabbed the first thing.

Look, look.

When we get into New York, I don't
want posters, I want billboards.

I want you to blanket Times Square.
And full page ads in the Times.

Got that? In the Times.
And I want plugs from Winchell.

You don't know what a billboard
is gonna cost.

What are you, a banker?

Give me a cigarette.

We'll bring in a hit.

He's out there!

He's with some 18-year-old,
but he's out there.

Get me out of this!
He'll be here in two minutes.

I don't wanna wear that black thing.
No, I hate it!

You gotta put something on.

- Fanny.
- What?

- He's coming!
- Is he alone?

He ditched her! Quick, open the door!
Oh, this goddamn makeup!

Jesus, I got a run in my stockings.

Hello, Fanny.

Why, Nick, how good it is to see you.

All the world changes but you.

Over a year I've been
practising that line.

You want a drink or something?
You want a cigarette?

I'll call Adele. What do you want?

I don't want a drink,
and I don't want Adele.

Is that for me?

Don't open it now.

Fanny, I...

When you're a star,
everything you do is magic.

You don't have to entertain me, Fanny.
It isn't necessary.

- I can't say how good it is to see you.
- Try.

Wait a minute.
I gotta do my number first, okay?

Explain to me why I can't remember
one thing I was gonna say.

I'll remember my lines if I
just don't have to look at you.

I'll remember.

- Fanny, I want to talk to you.
- You don't have lines here. My turn.

Nicky Arnstein, I love you so much.

I don't blame you for divorcing me.

You got hit by this steam engine
the papers called Fanny Brice.

By this made-up person
the papers made up.

And I can understand how you really
had to dig yourself out. I really can.

But I want to get off, Nicky.

I just want to climb into
your back pocket and stay there.

- Fanny.
- Just stay there all the time.

You're married.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

- When?
- Three months ago.

To that girl?

That beautiful girl I saw you
sitting next to tonight?

My wife was sitting on my other side.

That old lady?

She's 43.

Forty-three and loaded, right?

I'll always love you very much, Fanny.

Who's that?

We just wanted to congratulate her.

Miss Brice isn't dressed yet.

She all right?

She said you should go on
to the party without her.

Take it. Go ahead.

It's for you.

- She's from Philadelphia. Here, Adele.
- Thanks.

She's got $12 million.

She has an apartment in Paris,
a house in Antibes.

And she's got a yacht.

So Nick can teach her
how to be Ionely in all of them.

Opening night present.

He must've spent
a whole week's allowance.

Hey, did you see that?

It came wrapped around the record.

Yeah, from the company.

Boy, it's been a swell opening night.

Fanny...

...I'm sorry.

I know you are, kid.

Go to the party without me.
I'll be along later.

I just want a few minutes.
You too, Adele.

Why don't you just shut up!

Ain't she got fun

She's the luckiest one

Satin on my shoulder
And a smile on my lips

How lucky can you get?

Money in my pocket
Right at my fingertips

How lucky can you get?

Every night a party
Where the fun never ends

You can circle the globe
With my circle of friends

Someone I am crazy for
Is crazy for me

I'm his personal pet
Wow, how lucky can you get?

Wrap it up and charge it
That's my favourite phrase

How lucky can you get?

When I see the chauffeur
Think I'll give him a raise

How lucky can you get?

Weekends in the country
With a baron of course

And a wardrobe to choke
Mrs. Astor's pet horse

Making merry music
With the one that I love

We're a perfect duet

Can you get!

Satin on my shoulder

How lucky can you get?

Money in my pocket

How lucky can you get?

Every night's a party
Where the fun never ends

You can circle the globe
With my circle of friends

Someone I am crazy for
Is crazy for me

I'm his personal pet

Wow, how lucky can you get?

Hey there, gorgeous

Big success

What's your secret, gorgeous

Just lucky I guess

You want to know
what it's really like?

Fantastic.

Satin on my shoulder
And a smile on my lips

Money in my pocket
Right at my fingertips

Wrap it up and charge it
That's my favourite phrase

When I see the chauffeur
Think I'll give him a raise

Life's a bed of roses
Squirting perfume on me

You can spare me the blues

I don't sing in that key

And if there's a man
Who'd leave me

I am happy to say

I haven't run into him yet

Gee, whee, wow!

How lucky

How lucky can you get?

Look, just look at that.
It's worse than ever.

Fanny? Fanny.

- Oh, my God, look! Is that Buck?
- No, C.V. Silverstein.

Silverstein from
the Silverstein Movie Studios?

Come visit me in California.

Hey, push off with Bobby.

I wanna talk to Fanny.
Alone for once, okay?

Come on, I wanna show you
something. Come on.

48th and 10th.

It's a theatre-cabaret.
I'm gonna call it the Casa Mañana.

That's Mex for " House of Tomorrow."

What, you gonna play a fair in Texas?
You already got our show.

They'll pay me 100,000 bucks.

It's a big deal, the Texas Centennial.

It's nice.

Here, look.

Classy, huh?

- Too classy?
- Too classy for what? Buffalos?

I got some fan dancers.

- How you fixed for feathers?
- You're always on the hustle, Billy.

So how long are you gonna
be down there?

Why, what do you care?

I'm used to you.
You're good for laughs.

It's hot in here.

This thing's gotta be a spectacle.

I'm gonna get 50 girls in here.

They're all gonna be 5'10" or bigger.

And, the closing number,
I was thinking of all white.

Maybe a wedding routine.

Very impressive.

How'd you like to star
in a wedding bit?

I paid retail.

You want the goddamn ring or not?
Speak up, I got a rehearsal.

- You're asking me to marry you?
- Yeah.

- I mean serious?
- Yeah!

And I'm not gonna ask you again.
So right now, yes or no? Yes or no?

It ought to work out fine.

You saying yeah?

I'm saying yeah.

I got a little confession to make.

I never borrowed money
from the mob, like I told you.

You bastard.
Making me think they had you on ice.

It was a very good argument.
You bought it.

Only by now, you should know better.

I wouldn't want you to think
you married dumb.

Darling...

...I do adore you.

But you are absolutely mad.
Tell me, why him?

I fell in like with him.

Do you have a light?

Here.

Oh! Did you see what that man did?

It is a crunch.

My wife, however, is determined
to speak to Miss Brice.

- Do you know her?
- I married her.

Of course. You must be...

Rose. Billy Rose. Rose.

- Crude little bastard.
- Screw him, he's only in on a pass.

- Have a nice evening, Mr. Brice.
- Rose.

No action in the club car?

How many times I gotta tell you
that I am not a gambler?

- Did you do your knees yet?
- No, I'm coming to them.

I thought you did your knees
before your heels.

I do the heels first.
Then I do the knees.

- Every night.
- Every night.

By the time you finish that
production, I get all mixed up.

Mixed up what?

I don't know what I should go for.

I figure, maybe there's
something I don't know about.

Maybe I'm supposed to go do something
to your goddamn knees or heels.

You put perfume behind your knees?

- You never did that before.
- Yes, I did.

Maybe I'm right.
I should go for your knees?

Will you forget about the knees?

We're gonna arrive in Fort Worth
at 7 a.m. Let's get some sleep.

The heels before the knees.

The knees after the heels,
before the elbows.

After the knees.

Hang up your pants. You'll get
there looking like two bits.

- I'll get them pressed.
- Why not just hang them up?

Did Nick always hang up his pants?

- Yes.
- I'll pay the buck.

Flinging your clothes
makes the room look like a dump.

I've never been in a train for three
days with goddamn royalty. Here!

How come you never go to the can?
In the theatre you used to.

It's none of your damn business.

How come now we're married...

...and you never go to the can?!

How do you think I feel having
to go to the can all the time?

You don't like being
cooped up with me...

...there's an empty compartment.
Hire it.

I won't have to look
at your crummy pajamas.

What's wrong with them?

I hate your pajamas! They're terrible.

Well, I hate your lemons!

And I hate your fancy bed junk!

And where, where, tell me, where...

...do you come off reading
a French magazine on our honeymoon?

I know you can't read French!

I look at the pictures, creep!
I learn what goes!

One thing that'll never go
is your pajamas!

Screw my pajamas! Screw them!
And screw you, lady! And...

- What?
- Oh, God...

What's the matter?

Gave me a nosebleed.
You gave me a goddamn nosebleed.

Hold it, hold it, there.
I'll get some ice.

Okay, here.

If you bleed on my good gown...

When I stop, I'm gonna belt you one.

Tough guy.

Kid, you are some nut.

Let me see.

- Just lie still.
- You know the trouble, Fanny?

The trouble is that I love you.
I love you.

You could've told me. Put your
best foot forward for the hell of it.

I'm gonna take you to Sulka's and
have some pajamas made for you.

- They'll make pajamas for you?
- Sure.

Just like shirts.
They make underwear too so it fits.

You ain't getting me measured
for no BVDs.

Pajamas maybe, but no BVDs.

Okay, okay. Go back to sleep.

Billy. Billy! Shirley, will you
get me that clipping, please?

Would you let me read it to you
first, then blow your stack?

Okay. Shirley?

" Miracle Man of Broadway Billy Rose's
beauteous Aqua Belle...

...Eleanor Holm sings Circe
songs to Billy in Cleveland.

Are you listening, Billy?
Fanny, are you listening to Billy?

Five years, five hits.
Is this your first miss?" Burn it.

No, I can't kill a Winchell
item, Billy. You know that.

Well, what I can do is to prevent
anybody else from running with it!

You think I don't know how sore
she'll be when she finds out?

I'm close enough to get grabbed!

The proofs.

His name should be in another colour.
Billy, what can I do?

- Ned, did you order a sandwich?
- Yes.

You and Fanny wave to each other
every six months from separate trains.

How can I publicize that?
What should I do?

You want me to stage something
on the tracks...

...where she flings your slippers
after you as you whiz by?

Ned, it's Miss Brice.

Billy, Fanny's on the other phone.
Tell him about the Hippodrome.

I'm on the wire to Billy.
He says he's very Ionely out there.

The accountant thinks you better...

I saw the poster, what about it?

You want to kill the kid costume?
Okay.

We get out a flood
of releases that you also sing.

Big news. But if that's what
you want, you got it.

Hey, you wanna talk to Billy?
Hold on a minute.

Billy, talk to your wife for a minute.

She's leaving for California tomorrow.

Okay, go ahead.

You'll knock them dead.

I could use your advice.

- I could use your advice.
- What about? "Circe songs?"

Don't listen, kid.
Put cotton in your ears.

- Okay. Fran sends you her love.
- Give her my love. And you too, Fanny.

Hang up now, let me talk to Ned.

- Bye, good luck.
- Bye, Billy. Ned?

Yeah, Fanny? What can I do for you?
Your California train?

If it doesn't go through Cleveland,
it's gotta go some place near.

Want me to check that out for you?
Sure, hold on.

No, honey, it's my pleasure.

Billy? Billy!

Beautiful, let me see that.
You gonna fly?

- Mr. Rose, let's go.
- It's about time. Would you get...?

I thought you were in California.

I thought you were in Cleveland
by yourself. Introduce me.

This is the champ, Eleanor Holm.

- How do you do?
- Just call me Mrs. Rose.

As long as she doesn't
call me Mr. Brice.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, my train passed through.

I got off to check him out.
How's it going?

- Places, everybody.
- Excuse me. Back to work.

Terrific break that you showed up.

You couldn't have timed it better.

I really think I got a hit. I feel it.

I'd like to see what you think.
Any advice you could give.

You look... That's terrific.
I love that suit.

You should. It cost you $200.

Mr. Rose, we need you up there.

It's all right. Don't worry about me.

Terrific. Come here.
Here, sit here.

You'll be all right?
I'll see you in a bit.

Hit the music!

Stand by.

Lights.

Presenting the Billy Rose
Aqua Belles.

Give me a little celery tonic.

Billy Rose's new star,
Miss E leanor Holm.

That's great, Billy. Terrific!

Hey, come here. You wanna dance?

Your star trout's got a lot of muscle.

Don't let her get you in the water.

Eleanor's a great kid.

You ought to get to know her.

Maybe we should have her
for dinner. Amandine.

I just made a joke.

You didn't think it was funny?

No, kidding. You got a great show.

With an ace attraction. Ace.

- You shouldn't kid a kidder, Fanny.
- What?

- You performed for me tonight.
- What is that supposed to mean?

I know you. I know how you think.

When you want something,
you get it by being funny.

I've seen you do that before.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You went to a lot of trouble
to make me laugh tonight.

You got a very primitive
sense of humour, kid.

Pratfalls, dropped drawers,
drowning bits.

You know, I got a terrific idea.

I don't know if it would work,
but see what you think.

- What's on your mind, kid?
- Why don't we get married?

We got married.

No, I mean, really be married.
Really married.

Mrs. Rose is the name and chicken soup
is the game. Is that what you want?

What I want is...

...I want you to do more
of what you did tonight.

Brush off a broad if you think
she's getting too close.

You remember a long time ago,
you made me say I need you?

That's what I want.

I want you to need me.
I mean, really need me.

Need me.

You got some sexy ears, honey.

I think I'll stick diamonds in them.

I need you.

I need you.

I need you.

Life, Colliers, Esquire, Stage?

What is this?

The Saturday Evening Post?

You shouldn't get bored
and pick up strange men.

Are there any other kind?

Billy, will you call me every night?
Reverse the charges, if you want.

Don't be a chump. I got a new system
for beating the phone company.

All aboard.

I'm a mess, huh?

All aboard.
Chicago, Denver and Los Angeles.

I'm gonna get you a bigger ring.

- All right.
- So long, Billy.

All aboard.

Billy?

Don't go near the water.

Norma, I cancelled the Baby Snooks
rehearsal to come here?

What is this?
I get paid for wearing costumes.

Stop " kwetching."
You're gonna just love it.

- We got seats next to the field.
- Hi-Ho Silverstein, right?

Oh, Fanny!

So this is Beverly Hills.

You can't catch up with the goyim.
When you think you learned it...

...they come with sticks and hookers.

- Chukkas.
- " Chukkas?"

Oh, I wish Billy was here.
Billy loves baloney.

When Norma promises you'll be excited,
you'll be excited.

- You know Nick?
- Nick?

Oh, Fanny, you don't think I planned
anything. He just was here.

Thank God you never
had to learn to act.

I wanna know if he knows I'm here.

I'm absolutely certain he'd want to.

I'll see you kids later.
I'll send the car back.

Quit while you're ahead.

Don't try to walk on the water, kid.

Why don't you come on out here?
I'll send you a return ticket.

You want a private car? I'll give my
body to Huntington Hartford. Come on.

No, I'm okay.

No, I really am.
I just miss you, kid. That's all.

Look, if I get too Ionely,
I'll send for Fran, right?

Yeah, sure.

No, don't be silly.
Of course I understand.

I'll talk to you next week, huh?
Maybe sooner.

Me too.

So long, Billy.

I'll see you.

Goddamn it!

And the thing is...

...I guess I wanna see him,
talk to him.

Just do what you want!

How are you, kid?

I'm not sure.
A little nervous, I think.

Me too.

Like always.

Did you ever think about directing?
You got the wardrobe.

- You look ravishing, old girl.
- You look ravishing too.

Didn't have time to change
out of your polo clothes?

Oh, yes, I had plenty of time.
I tried to decide what I should wear.

I looked in the mirror and saw
how becoming this outfit was.

So I just took a shower
and put on the same.

- I thought I might get by with it.
- A new trick, telling the truth.

What are you thinking?

I was just remembering...

...when I first went out with you.

I was still living home with Mama.

I used to sleep
in the same bed with her, and...

...once in the middle of the night
I woke up kissing her.

Then she woke up and said,
"This ain't Nick."

That's what I was thinking.

How is your mother?

She sold the saloons.
She lives in Lakewood, New Jersey.

- She likes Billy.
- Oh, yes, Mr. Rose.

How is Mr. Rose?

He keeps busy. How about you?

When you come down off your horse?

When I come off my horse,
there's the yacht and...

...a 13th-century palazzo we're
rebuilding in Cap D'Antibe.

The problems of dismantling
are just staggering.

I like dismantling
much better than mantling.

- Still the same Fanny.
- You expecting Mrs. Roosevelt?

I was expecting Fanny.
Hoping for Fanny.

You know, Fanny, the only trouble
we had was money.

That's not a problem now.

No problem for you or for your wife?

No problem for either of us.

If I walk away,
I walk away with a very large stake.

How you fixed for toothbrushes, kid?

Oh, God!

I remember that first time
in Baltimore.

When I went up to your hotel room.

And I went into your bathroom.

Jesus! You had seven toothbrushes.

Seven. I guess one for every day
in the week.

And you had this big wooden bowl
with soap in it.

" By Appointment to His Majesty"
it says on the bowl.

Royal soap. And hanging on the
door were these silk pajamas.

Red, with...

...a monogram, real tiny, tiny.

That small.

Class.

Boy, did I come out of
that bathroom with personality.

I was all over the place...

...because I fell in love
with those toothbrushes.

Still have seven
toothbrushes, Fanny.

And all these years...

...I've been in love with nothing
but a set of...

...goddamn toothbrushes.

You have a daughter, you know.

You haven't seen her in six years.

And you don't even think to ask
about her. You ask about Mama...

...but you don't inquire about your
own daughter, you son of a bitch.

- How is Fran?
- She's great.

She keeps your picture
next to her bed.

- She does? Which one?
- What do you care? They're all great.

The money trouble we had is what
you thought it'd take the place of.

If you'll excuse me.
Bobby, say hi to Nick before he goes.

Just ring for your horse.

Well, I'll be damned

No I won't be damned

Because I have been damned

But I won't be damned anymore

I walked out

He didn't walk out

It was me who walked out

It was me
Closing the door

Blow the bugle

Sound the cymbal

All my troubles fill a thimble

I'm as happy as it's legal to be

Come on, kids
Let's hear it for me

Get the tom-tom

Start the drumming

Cue the chorus
Keep 'em humming

'Cause I'm climbing off
The limb of that tree

Come on, kids
Let's hear it for me

For this overwhelming sensation

I could stand a standing ovation

Give my entrance cue
To the band and

Give the little lady
A great big hand

Slide the trombone

Let it swell out

This performance is a sell-out
And the critics and the public agree

I'm the number one
Attraction to see

So applaud it and cheer it

Come on, now
Let's hear it for me

Standing in the wings

All prepared to start

U sually I'm tense

A pounding in my heart

But now I'm not afraid

Those butterflies are gone

My act is looking great

I can't wait to go on

Grab a ticket
Find your row, kid

I am strictly SRO, kid

Tell those oogly-boogly feelings
I'm free

They've been banished
By a royal decree

And your head feels so good
When you finally clear it

If I saw a worry
I wouldn't go near it

Come on, now

Come on, kids

Let's hear it

Let's hear it for me

This is WYXY Cleveland.

Here is Shep Fields
with one of your favourites.

Billy.

- Oh, Miss Brice!
- Oh, Jesus! Fanny!

So just don't lay there, honey.
Swim something.

You always were a fast dresser.

Sloppy, but fast.

Fix your tie.

Can I sit down?

Yeah, sit.

Alone at last.

That was like a crummy
burlesque sketch.

I'm sorry, Fanny. I'm sorry.

You know, I flew all the way
to Cleveland in a plane.

I had to get here fast
so I could tell you my news.

What news?

I should have phoned.

What news?

I wanted to be with you
when I told you.

It's all over with Nick.

I mean it, really over.

Look, Billy.

It's okay. You see,
I figure what happened...

...was because I called you
and I wanted to see Nick...

...and you got sore at me.
You figured, screw her.

And I don't blame you.
I don't blame you. I mean it.

You're entitled.

So let's negotiate.

I'm willing to forget it
if you're willing to forget it.

Fair?

I'm in trouble, right?

You really go for the trout.

I go for her, Fanny.

She's got a good shape. What else?

To her I'm Nick.

Do you love her?

I don't know.

I suppose so.

She loves me.

That's it, then. If you love her...

...there's nothing to discuss.

I'd make a clean exit, but my train
doesn't leave for another hour.

I have to hang around here,
so you better check out.

See you in court, kid.

Good luck, Fanny.

Good luck, Billy.

Daddy, I know how we can settle
this whole thing right now.

- How?
- Let's go take a sock at them.

This was the 10th anniversary
of The Baby Snooks Show...

... from Hollywood, California.

Hurry, I got company coming.
I gotta get home and change.

Hello, Fanny.

Hello, kid.

It's been a long time, huh?

Sure has.

So, how do you think I look?

You look sensational.
You look great.

Thanks, kid.

Why don't you...?

How much did she take you for?

Oh, I can afford her.

Besides, the lady had
a legitimate beef.

- You don't know your lines.
- What should I say?

Eleanor's a bitch,
and you've never seen me like this.

- Seen you like what?
- Like I am, you jerk, perfect!

But I have.
I've seen you like that.

I mean, to me you always were perfect.

- So, what'll you drink?
- Celery tonic.

- How's Fran?
- Grown up.

Gorgeous. Married.

Thanks for asking, kid.

- You're still good company, Billy.
- Yeah?

If I was such good company,
how come we were never alone?

Kid, we were four years married.
That's not alone?

- Remember?
- Are you kidding? One of your best.

You know what I was thinking
about when I wrote that?

Nick?

That's right, Nick.

Except you.

Nick, Adele, Bobby and me.

Being married to you was like
being married to a parade.

" Me and My Shadow."
You used it in Cleveland.

Let's not rehash Cleveland.

You still get high on celery tonic?

I took your advice.
I bought that company.

Now I make two cents while I enjoy.

Billy, I gotta hand it to you.

You got everything
you ever went out for.

But tell me something.

You really have as much money
as they say?

All it takes to make a lot of money...

...is a lot of money.
But what to do with it.

I don't worry about you.
You're resourceful.

You know, Fanny...

- I bought the Ziegfeld Theatre.
- Really?

The Ziegfeld's mine. I'll open up
with the biggest show ever.

Salvador Dali to do the sets.
Stokowski in the pit.

Music by Rodgers and Hammerstein.
Sketches by Kaufman and Hart.

Costumes from Paris,
the best of everything.

Real Alençon lace
on the chorus girls' drawers.

That sounds great, Billy.
Who's gonna be in it?

Well, for openers, you.

Me? I knew you were on the hustle.

Look, you haven't been
on a stage in years.

You're sitting out here
doing that radio show.

You're getting lazy. You're a Ziegfeld
star, the star of stars.

Name your figure.
I give you whatever you want.

I make a good living.
I don't need the money.

Maybe not, but you need me.

You? You I've had.

If you gotta get personal,
it won't be complimentary.

Professionally, I only helped you.

In the work department,
I was good for you.

Come on,
let's get together again, huh?

You know something, my timing
was always off for us. It's too bad.

I just loused it all up.

You don't get all the credit.

Look, " Billy Rose presents
Fanny Brice."

I don't like the Billy.
I'll think it over.

You'll think it over?
That's what you say to me?

I haven't done anything
without thinking in over 10 years.

You want to know the truth?

I was rattled as hell,
you coming here tonight.

I wanted for you to come in here
begging me to come back...

...so I could have the pleasure
of saying no.

Taken me a long time to say no.
I wanted to practise.

That's what you're saying to me? No?

I'm saying that I'll think it over,
and I'll call you.

- Think fast.
- I don't wanna. That's the point.

I'm at the Beverly Hills till
day after tomorrow. So, yes or no?

So I'll call you before noon,
day after tomorrow.

Make it yes.

Rose and Brice.
Brice and Rose, whatever.

We could have a terrific time.

Make it yes. Huh, Fanny?

Start the drumming

Sound the cymbal

All my worries

Fill a thimble

I need you.

So come on, kids

Let's hear it for me

'Cause now I'm not afraid

Those butterflies are gone

My act is looking great

I can't wait to go on

And on

Grab a ticket

Find your row, kid

We'll be strictly SRO, kid

And I'm glad to say
I'm finally free

Oh, your head feels so good
When you finally clear it

If I saw a worry
I wouldn't go near it

Come on, now

Let's hear it for me