All language subtitles for Extras S01E01 Ross Kemp

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,473 Horatio. 2 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,710 Emma. What are you doing here? 3 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,440 I couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye. 4 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,875 You shouldn't have come, Emma. People will talk. 5 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,919 Let them talk. I'm tired of hiding our love away. 6 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,879 - I'm not ashamed of how I feel. - Neither am I. 7 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,076 But we both know we shouldn't be together. 8 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,676 - Shouldn't? Who says we shouldn't? - My conscience. 9 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,911 My conscience tells me everything I feel for you is wrong. 10 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,111 But my heart, my heart says... 11 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,591 I can't live without you. 12 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,398 - Promise me you'll return. - I promise. 13 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,233 Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me, 14 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,517 then being away from you surely will. 15 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,395 Cut! Yeah, brilliant, thank you. 16 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,077 - Could you see me? - Yeah, definitely. 17 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,710 Excellent. We'll get out before that fat little extra gets his face in. 18 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:13,709 Okay. 19 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,513 DIRECTOR: Rest the guys for 10 minutes. 20 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,513 That's correct. Yeah, great. 21 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,398 We're moving on to 37. 22 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,079 Hey. Who are we using for the girl by the carriage? 23 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,992 We thought this one. 24 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:43,756 No, I said I needed some decent tits and they're...rubbish. 25 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,594 Well, I could maybe pad them up a bit. Or just sort of, like, push them... 26 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,876 - You could use these. - Bingo. 27 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,078 Bingo these in half an hour after I've had a wee fiddle with them. 28 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,596 - I just need to squeeze them. - Well, work on them over lunch, yeah? 29 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,877 Because at the moment they're just, urgh, nothing. 30 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,076 - Okay. - Good. 31 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,992 Would it be easier just to use these? 32 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:10,597 We made a decision to use mine, so can we just go with these? If I just squeeze them... 33 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,512 It would be less work. 34 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,150 You've got padding at the bottom of them. Can I get some padding? 35 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:22,030 MAGGIE: This cow's like, she's like sticking her tits in his face 36 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,909 and I'm saying, "He said he wanted to use my tits. Can we just go with my tits, please?" 37 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,957 I think Meryl Streep went through a similar thing. 38 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,032 - I know it's not important but... - It is important. 39 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,760 I remember Laurence Olivier having a rant in Richard III 40 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,434 because they wanted to use stunt testicles and he said, 41 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,717 "Listen, these gonads are going to be seen because they went to RADA. 42 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,633 "You either use the Lord Olivier plums or nothing at all." 43 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,074 Next. 44 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,913 Ahh... And what do you recommend, my good man? 45 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,433 - Chicken's the warmest. - Is it? I'll have that, then. 46 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,029 Chicken. 47 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,436 Your heart's not in this, is it? 48 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,114 Although one of your pubes is, I see. 49 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,311 - Straight in there like that, no messing. - It's not a pube, it's a dog hair. 50 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,233 It's all right, it's not a pube, it's a dog hair, everyone. 51 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,914 I thought it was a pube. It's not, it's just a dog hair. 52 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,392 If you do get a hair in there, he just gets it out with his big sausage fingers. 53 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,196 - I don't know why I do this. - What? 54 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:28,069 All this. "Oh, we'll cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot." 55 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,676 It's just absolutely demeaning. I don't know why I put myself through it. 56 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,990 - Because you're an actor. - This isn't acting. 57 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,469 Getting the back of your head or your arm in a shot. 58 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,757 And bloody Ross Kemp in every scene, he gets all the lines. 59 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,195 Do you know what I mean? Why is he the star and not me? 60 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,749 There but for the grace of God go I. And it's just... What? 61 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,399 -It's not quite. - Well, it is. 62 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,073 It's not just luck, is it? 63 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,913 - Why not? We're about the same age... - No, he's younger than you. 64 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,150 - No, he's not. We're about the same age. - Is he? 65 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,880 - Yeah. - He looks a lot younger than you. 66 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,076 You're having a laugh. He hasn't got any hair. 67 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,800 He's meant to look like that. He's shaved it all off. 68 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,030 It's like cool, it's like Vin Diesel. 69 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,430 Vin Diesel? Sorry, are we looking at the same bloke? 70 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:10,390 Have another look, right. Look at him there. He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow. 71 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:11,800 (MIMICKING ZIPPY) Hello! 72 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,714 Bungle, what are you doing in the Queen Vic, Bungle? 73 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,555 Phil, why did you sleep with my wife? Look, look. 74 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,479 Vin Diesel hasn't got a perfectly round little head 75 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,029 that opens and shuts like Pac-Man, look at it. 76 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,600 - He's got less chins than you as well. - One chin, one chin each. 77 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,399 - Yeah, but yours is growing another one. - Shut up. 78 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,949 In five years' time, he's still going to look pretty rugged 79 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:40,240 -and you're just going to look like a pelican. - A pelican? Good, nice one. 80 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,191 - What you looking at? - Nothing. 81 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,839 Well, obviously him. 82 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,036 - Husband material? - Could be. 83 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,272 - What are you basing it on this time? - Don't know but look at him. 84 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,193 He's all dashing and handsome in his green. 85 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,558 Why do men not dress like that nowadays? 86 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,075 Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube. 87 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,795 - All right? - All right, Greg. 88 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,318 -Indeed I am. - Good. 89 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,389 I'm actually working across the way, Studio H, the big one. 90 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,359 Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones. 91 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,115 So, actually, just learning a few lines I've got to do with him later. 92 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,350 - Lines? - Yes, indeed. 93 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,074 Well done. 94 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,470 So what's your part in this epic, then? 95 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,551 The fourth seaman from the left or... 96 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,119 Hardly. 97 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,238 You got something a bit more... Bit meatier, bit more substantial. 98 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,312 You got a speaking part or a... No? 99 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,595 Not in this one, no. 100 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,559 - Seriously, how do you survive? - Don't worry about it, really. 101 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,280 - Digging into the savings? - Not really. 102 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,239 The pile diminishes, does it? Gotta get some work soon. 103 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,675 - Gotta get some work soon. - Working all the time, mate. 104 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,592 - Don't worry about it. - Sort of. 105 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,796 Are your parents still sending you money? 106 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,430 Well, yeah. Either that or I, you know, threaten to sign on. 107 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,911 And lo! The cheque doth cometh in the post. 108 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,957 -It keeps the wolf from the door. - Good. 109 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,714 How is the door of the house your parents bought you, is that all right? 110 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,154 - Yes, it's fine. - Good. 111 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,358 - Look, I've got lines to learn. - Thanks for coming over and sharing that. 112 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,159 - Seriously, mate, something will crop up. - Don't worry about it. 113 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,072 Don't worry about it, mate. Worry about yourself. 114 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,355 - Stiff upper lip. - Yes. 115 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,671 - And other clichés too numerous to mention. -Don't mention them then. 116 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,036 - See you later, mate. - Cheers, mate. 117 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,952 Tosser. Not you. 118 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,833 Excuse me. Do you mind if I go in front of you, please? 119 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,070 - What? - Can I go before you? 120 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,913 - Why? - I've got a little bit of a stomach upset. 121 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,399 Oh, okay. 122 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:15,995 - Hello. - Hi. 123 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,072 I think she wants to go in front of you, she's got diarrhoea. 124 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,878 Don't want it exploding everywhere. Messy. 125 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,314 Thank you. 126 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,757 Saw you looking. 127 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,070 Thought I'd better get it out of the way. 128 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,474 Yeah, it is me. 129 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,559 Hi, I'm Andy. 130 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,879 - How you doing? - Oh! 131 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,598 - Sorry, did that hurt? - No... 132 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:58,639 Good. I was worried I might have hurt you. Don't know my own strength sometimes. 133 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,600 If I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't have any ribs left so you got off lightly. 134 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,115 - Let's leave it there. - Okay. 135 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,755 You know, I love playing military parts. 136 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,276 Well, as you know, I was in the SAS. 137 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,038 No. I knew you did that TV show about the SAS. 138 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,871 Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it? 139 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,711 I assumed you had consultants and stuff. 140 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,519 If that's what you believe, then that's what you believe. 141 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,513 All right, I wasn't in the SAS for six months and they didn't say, 142 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,830 "Ross, why don't you give up this acting lark? 143 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,799 "We could really do with you in Afghanistan." 144 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,518 - Did they? - Couldn't say. 145 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,911 All I know is, if I do get into a fight, I'd better have an escape route 146 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:44,312 because I don't want to go to prison for murder, because that's what it would be. 147 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,074 Because my body is a lethal weapon. 148 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,711 And me in prison, face like this. 149 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,279 Pretty boy. 150 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,600 I'd be in the shower just lathering up, 151 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,672 a couple of guys would come in wanting a bit of Kemp arse. 152 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,751 I'd see them in the mirror and... 153 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,435 What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me. 154 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,434 Sure. 155 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,193 Or a conversation. 156 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,038 What do you do when you're not doing this? What's your day job? 157 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,111 I work in a pub. 158 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,397 - What about you? - I do this full time. I'm an actor. 159 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,835 - You do this full time? - Yeah, yeah. 160 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,672 Like most actors, I act full time. 161 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,116 Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it? I mean, this is extra work. 162 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,874 Well, no, supporting artist work, innit? 163 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,112 But it's just, this is just pocket money. I am actually an actor. 164 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,670 Right. I was gonna say 'cause you can't really make a living from being an extra. 165 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:47,909 No. 166 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,073 No, but he used to have a proper job. He used to... He owns his own house. 167 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,232 Doesn't have to pay a mortgage so he can afford to live on a pittance. 168 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,312 I don't live on a pittance, though, do I? People pay me to act so... 169 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,710 - Yeah, you say you're an actor. - Yeah, I do. 170 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,837 - But what have you actually acted in? - I've appeared... 171 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,675 I mean proper acting, not walking in the background. I mean, actually speaking. 172 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,354 - I know. - Well? 173 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,438 - What, you want me to... - Yeah. 174 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:13,555 Okay. 175 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,230 - My Family, the Robert Lindsay sitcom. - Really? 176 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,392 Yeah, it was just a thing, sort of a scene on the bus 177 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,312 and the bus conductor come along 178 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,438 and, "Tickets please," and I just went, "Yeah, sure, no problem." 179 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,319 - Did you? - Yes. 180 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,078 - That was the line? - Yeah. 181 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,833 He comes along and goes, "Tickets please," 182 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,593 and I go, "Yeah, no problem. mate, there you go." 183 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:36,240 So if I got that episode and watched it, that's what I'd see you say, 184 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,436 -"Sure, no problem." - Well, yeah. 185 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,557 (MUMBLES) "...there you go." 186 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,200 Well, I didn't... What was that? What's the line? 187 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,396 - What's the problem? - What is the line? 188 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,232 The conductor wants the ticket, I'm showing him it. 189 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,072 And what do you say? 190 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,958 He asks for my ticket. 191 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,872 - Yeah. - And I go... 192 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:57,033 I can't hear what you're saying. No, let's do it like it is actually on the screen. 193 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,431 I'll be the bus driver, okay, and you just be you, all right? 194 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,955 Tickets please, can I see your tickets please? 195 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,910 I can't hear anything. No one can hear anything. 196 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,118 -It was years ago. - But that's not proper acting. 197 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,396 - What is it, then? - I can tell you what acting is. 198 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,677 - I can tell you what I've acted in... - Not interested. 199 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,196 I've acted in, and I'm talking proper speaking parts, in Emmerdale, 200 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,839 - Silent Witness. - Silent Witness? 201 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,399 - Silent Witness. - Shh! 202 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,230 I was a narc in The Bill, that was a recurring character, 203 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,551 that was three episodes and really good lines of dialogue. 204 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,790 You haven't even been in The Bill, have you? 205 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,394 - I don't want to be in The Bill. - You haven't even been in The Bill? 206 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,198 Listen, I don't want to be in The Bill. 207 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,476 - Have you ever been in Casualty? - Yeah. 208 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,269 - The TV show Casualty? - Well, no, but... No. 209 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,078 Right, this is the deal. 210 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,879 You've been my agent now for, what, five years? 211 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,316 And you're not getting me any real acting work. 212 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,199 - Nothing's coming in. - Nothing's coming in. In five years? 213 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,396 That's the problem. I'm as annoyed as you are. 214 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,439 But I'm not sure there's a demand for, you know, little 45-year-old blokes. 215 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,555 43. 216 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,871 Whatever. You know, I wonder, are you sure you want to be an actor? 217 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:25,158 You've given it five years, nothing's come in. Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel. 218 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,436 My agent, ladies and gentlemen. My agent. 219 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,638 - Look... Hello, mate, all right? - Sorry to interrupt. 220 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,439 - That's all right. Do you know Barry? - All right, Shaun. How's it going? 221 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,592 I'm working with a friend of yours at the moment, Ross Kemp. 222 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,159 - How is he? - Yeah, good. 223 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,517 I wouldn't mention Ross' name round here. Ross is sort of mud with Barry 224 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,877 because it was Ross that persuaded Barry to leave EastEnders. 225 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,759 Ross leaves, he goes to ITV. He says it's a million pounds or nothing. 226 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,353 They give him a million pound contract. 227 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,229 So I go with Barry and say we want a million pounds or nothing, they chose nothing. 228 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,790 They went with the nothing option that time, didn't they? 229 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:01,396 You were upset, weren't you? Depressed. Couldn't get out of bed for two weeks. 230 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,391 I was livid and looking back, what I should have done is, 231 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,472 I shouldn't have given them the nothing option. I should have said, 232 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,552 "We want a million pounds or we want £500," 233 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,358 and that way we'd have definitely got something. 234 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,078 - £500? - Exactly, this is it. 235 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,551 - But live and learn, don't you? - This isn't living though, is it? 236 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,314 Don't start that again. I've got loads of stuff for you. 237 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,595 Like what? 238 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:24,150 There's a light flickering in the gents. Could you have a tinker with that? 239 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,913 Yeah, I could do that. 240 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,470 Could I use your computer later? I've just got to get the new CV knocked up. 241 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,551 Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. 242 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,996 - Well, see you. - All right, then. Cheers, B. 243 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,749 Sorry, the reason I'm here is I want to know what your plan of action is. 244 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,672 What's your strategy? What is your business plan? 245 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,071 My plan is when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 246 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,595 Because what I'm no good at is, you know, breaking an act. 247 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:54,036 So when I'm successful, you can deduct 12 and a half percent, no problem. 248 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,191 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really. 249 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,840 You just want someone to call up and give me an advert. 250 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,479 That would be amazing, brilliant. 251 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,120 Right, okay. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then. 252 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,830 You joke about it. It was unplugged for two days. No one noticed. 253 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,553 The man does not know where to start, okay? 254 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,435 This is my CV that he's sending out to people. 255 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,275 I mean, casting agents, producers. He typed it himself, okay. 256 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:26,709 "From 1986 to 1999 Andy Millman worked at the Natwest in Wokingham. 257 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,719 "Andy left this comfortable, adequately-paid job 258 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,794 "to try and become an actor, despite his age, weight and looks. 259 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,475 "Andy claims to be a great actor but has not yet had the chance to prove it 260 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,633 "because, so far, he's had no offers except extra work which, as you know, 261 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,394 "is pointless and badly paid. 262 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,916 "Acting is Andy's dream. If you can make that dream come true, 263 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,718 "please, please call." 264 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,998 - I mean, it's like he's writing to Jim'll Fix It. - Oh, you have to fire him. 265 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,278 I can't fire him, can I? I can't bear to see his stupid little face. He'd be devastated. 266 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,954 - Yes, but it's your career. - I know. 267 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,351 What are you going to do? I mean, you'll have to find all your own work. 268 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,432 Yeah, having a dog and barking yourself springs to mind. 269 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:12,593 Start today, start now. Go up to the director and ask him for a line. 270 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,433 Ross Kemp. You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you? 271 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,716 - Yes. - Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line. 272 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,680 Just say to him, "I thought you were brilliant in EastEnders, Ultimate Force. 273 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,751 I loved you in Spandau Ballet. 274 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,911 - What? - Spandau Ballet. 275 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,436 He wasn't in Spandau Ballet. That was Martin Kemp. 276 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,716 Martin Kemp was in EastEnders and Spandau Ballet. 277 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,837 - Who's this one? - Ross Kemp. 278 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,116 - Are they not brothers? - No. 279 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,629 Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp were the brothers. 280 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,597 - Well, who's this one? - Ross Kemp. 281 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,672 - Who's his brother? - I don't know if he's got a brother. 282 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:50,436 Yes, he does. He's got that little bald one with the pink face that looks like him. 283 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,193 Phil Mitchell? 284 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,830 His on screen brother. Phil and Grant Mitchell, but they're not really brothers. 285 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,072 Yes, they are. They're the Mitchell brothers. 286 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:03,472 What do you mean, the Mitchell brothers? You know his name is Ross Kemp. 287 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,793 What bit's confusing you? 288 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,759 The brothers. 289 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,556 The brothers? 290 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,954 What? 291 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,077 Is that confusing you, too? Do you think we've landed in the future? 292 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,912 Shut your face. 293 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,278 MAGGIE: You see, this is why I can never go and speak to that guy 294 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,240 because I'm not smart enough for him. He's an intellectual. 295 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,073 How do you know he's an intellectual? You've never even spoken to him. 296 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,312 - Well, he reads the big papers. - Oh, the big papers, sure. 297 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,313 See, it's always the same, if a bloke is really smart, 298 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,040 I just always worry that I'm not clever enough for him. 299 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,000 He's going to want to talk about politics or whatever and I won't know what to say. 300 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,358 One time, I went out with this bloke and we were in the pub playing the quiz machine 301 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,752 and it was for a fiver and the question came up "Who discovered America?" 302 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,150 and I just panicked and I said, "Colombo." 303 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,436 See, you're laughing because I'm stupid. 304 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,512 No, it's an easy mistake to make. They sound the same. 305 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,079 That's what I thought. 306 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,151 - You should just go and talk to him. - You think? 307 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,993 Yeah, I don't know why you're so shy. Just go and talk to him. 308 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,797 The FT. 309 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,156 - Hi. - Oh, hi. 310 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,637 NASDAQ, you twat, what are you like? 311 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,031 - You play the markets, do you? - Oh, yeah. 312 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,111 How's it going? Any tips? 313 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:45,676 Buy high, buy low. Buy low, sell high. 314 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,755 - What you reading? -It's Frank Kermode's book on Shakespeare. 315 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,638 It's for my new PhD. 316 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,111 Shakespeare, eh? Oh! Bloody genius, him. 317 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,760 Midsummer Night's Dream. Bottom... 318 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,673 - Oh, how is your diarrhoea? - Fine, it's good. 319 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,879 - I'm going to get a coffee, I think. - I've got to go and call my broker anyway. 320 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,349 All right. I was going to ask if you wanted to get one. 321 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,478 Definitely. He's not there anyway, he's away on holiday. 322 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:19,989 All right. 323 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:27,589 Hiya. 324 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,119 They're making a film over there with Vinnie Jones. 325 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,396 What's he doing making a film? He's a bloody footballer. 326 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:42,036 - Look at the size of those lights. - You reckon they're big lights? 327 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,839 If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights. 328 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,912 I just don't want big lights. I want small lights if anything. 329 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:55,317 I know an old colleague of yours actually, Shaun Williamson. 330 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,030 - Shaun? - Barry off EastEnders. 331 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,633 - Oh, Barry, yeah. - Yeah. 332 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,758 We've got the same agent because I'm actually a real actor. 333 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,275 I'm just, well, not just an extra 334 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,591 so if there was a line going in this with just a little bit of dialogue, 335 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,196 it'd be great for me because, as I said, I'm a proper actor. 336 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,477 Yeah, I hope you're better than him. I mean, he's a bloody footballer. 337 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,757 He's good at what he does, isn't he? The old "hard man" thing, I suppose. 338 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:23,198 - Because he actually is in real life so... - You reckon? You think he's a tough guy? 339 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,671 I'd like to see him come at me with all that "I'm a hard bastard" stuff. 340 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:31,470 I'd say, "Put the baseball bat down, it's just you and me, skin on skin." 341 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,914 Stripped to the waist, to the death. 342 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:40,995 I'm trained. He starts with me, I will destroy him. 343 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:50,069 Okay. Well, as I say, if you could put a word in, I could just do a line. 344 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,959 Yeah, I'll sort that out for you, no problem. No problem. 345 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,033 Really? 346 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,715 Cheers. I'll see you later. 347 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:12,199 I tell you, if there's a hag, a washerwoman, toothless wench to be had, it'll be me. 348 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,750 I'm never the one that gets to wear the taffeta dress, it's not fair. 349 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,116 - They've padded you up. - That's actually me. 350 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,592 I was going to ask, I hope it doesn't seem pushy, but would you like to go for a meal? 351 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,830 Yeah, I'm starving. 352 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,036 Oh, not right now but I thought maybe later. 353 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,590 Yeah, no, absolutely, yeah. Oh, I'd love to. 354 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,830 - Good. - Okay, then. 355 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:55,559 What you doing here? Still scavenging the bins for food, are you? 356 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,634 No need. Bloody waiting on a scene I've got to do with Ross Kemp. 357 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,394 He asked me personally so... Good, though. 358 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,073 Yeah, well done. 359 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,949 - Shame it's only telly but, you know... - Not really. 360 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,749 It's something. I mean, keep at it, you might make it into the films. 361 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,958 Yeah, but what I wouldn't do is do a film with Vinnie Jones, 362 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,713 he's a footballer but that's all right. 363 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,952 You say he's a footballer but he's still been in films, hasn't he? 364 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,554 You know, with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. 365 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,792 What did he get paid for that, by the way? Because I was talking to Ross... 366 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,554 You know Ross got a million pounds to go to ITV? 367 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,758 - Yeah. Pretend to be a hard man. - Not really. 368 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,958 - Unlike Vinnie. Real life hard man. - Hmm. 369 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,398 Yeah. On a serious note, Ross explained to me, 370 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:46,077 you know, Ross was trained by the SAS and he said if Vinnie Jones 371 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:50,950 tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him apart so you might want to warn him that. 372 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,439 - He said that? - Yeah. 373 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,353 I'm not stirring shit, just warning. I don't want to see him get hurt. 374 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,909 I don't care about him, but I wouldn't want to see him get hurt. 375 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,037 I've said my bit so... 376 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,750 - I've got to go. I'll see you later. - See you later, mate. 377 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,871 You've done so much. 378 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,838 Not really. I'm probably a bit older than you. 379 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,036 - How old are you? -34. 380 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,590 Well, I'm actually older than you but thank you very much. 381 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,513 Well, you don't look it. I thought you were in your 20s. 382 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,750 You never, did you? Oh, God. 383 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,674 I'm not! 384 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,231 - Anything you fancy? - Possibly. 385 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,517 - I meant on the menu. - I know. 386 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,755 - What have you been saying? - About what? 387 00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,470 Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones is looking for me and he wants to batter me? 388 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,198 I haven't said anything. 389 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,159 How's he know I've been slagging him off? Who have you been speaking to? 390 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,073 No one. You're not scared of him, are you? 391 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,357 No. Not with what I could do to him. 392 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,875 - With your SAS stuff and that. - Yeah. 393 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,031 I mean, do you know what that stands for? 394 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,430 SAS? Special Air Service. 395 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,278 What? 396 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,590 Special Air Service, isn't it? 397 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,320 -It doesn't stand for that. - Doesn't it? 398 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,995 I've talked to actual SAS people, they've told me what it stands for. 399 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,753 What does it stand for, then? 400 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,155 Super Army Soldiers. 401 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,316 Su... Are you sure? 402 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,313 Yeah, I mean actual SAS people have told me that. 403 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,279 The actual guys themselves and they should know. 404 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:45,638 - They weren't winding you up? - They wouldn't do that to one of their own. 405 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:50,149 No. I thought it was Special Air Services. 406 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,995 Special Air Services? I mean, that sounds like FedEx or something, doesn't it? 407 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:58,677 Registered delivery or whatever. Do you think a postman needs arms like these? 408 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,673 Did I get these muscles lifting jiffy bags? 409 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,593 Definitely not. 410 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:12,634 If Vinnie Jones comes near me looking for a fight, I will unleash hell. 411 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,634 Okay. 412 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,600 - Well, that was fun. - Absolutely. 413 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,513 - Do you want to come in for a cup of tea? - I'd love to. 414 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,829 Okay. 415 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,797 Right, just go through. 416 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,270 You're sweet, you're hot chocolate. 417 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,235 Come on, love, you're like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge around it. 418 00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,829 Okay. 419 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,835 - I head-butted a horse once. - He must have really annoyed you. 420 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,319 Kemp. 421 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,152 All right, Vinnie, how's it going? 422 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,359 Never mind the "All right, Vinnie, how's it going" bollocks. What you been saying? 423 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,159 - What are you talking about? - What's all this I've been hearing? 424 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,756 - Shit about you think you're harder than me. - Where have you heard this? 425 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,356 Some extra I've been doing a scene with said he heard it over here. 426 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:29,434 You been trying to impress the extras by telling them you're harder than me? 427 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,272 I haven't said anything. 428 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:34,751 You think you're well hard, don't you? Are you hard? 429 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:35,989 No. 430 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,358 No, you're not. And if I hear you slag me off anymore, 431 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,558 I'll come over here and I'll show you what really hard is. 432 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:47,395 - Do you know what really hard is? - Beating me up and that. 433 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,471 Yeah. Do you know what really hard is? 434 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,551 Beating up and that. Kick him in the bollocks. 435 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,916 - No need to be specific. - All right. 436 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,151 This is the final warning. 437 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:01,239 Come on. 438 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,193 - What? - Nothing. 439 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:25,957 Why didn't you use your SAS stuff on him? 440 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,552 Because I don't know any. 441 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,758 What, you don't know kung fu and all the lethal moves? 442 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:32,989 No. 443 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,189 Why did you say you did? 444 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,877 Why do I say I can hold my breath under water for three and a half minutes? I can't. 445 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,232 I panic in water, if anything. 446 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,992 I can't get you a line either, if that's why you're still here. 447 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,357 - Really? - I haven't got any power around here. 448 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,716 I've told people I've got a line and everything. 449 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:55,949 Sorry. 450 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,198 Don't worry about it. 451 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,390 Every job I do I get bullied. 452 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,073 Bullied? 453 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,436 People calling me names and that. 454 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:12,994 If it doesn't stop soon, I think I'm just going to finish it, end it all. 455 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,077 Do what I thought I'd never do. 456 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,719 Suicide? 457 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:22,237 No, go to Family Affairs. I've had an offer. 458 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,351 There's no bullying at Family Affairs, they're really nice people. 459 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:27,955 Sure. 460 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,437 All I want to do is act. 461 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,233 And you're good. 462 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:36,554 Am I? 463 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,637 Yeah, of course you are. 464 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,593 Put your hat on. 465 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:48,279 Look at that, looks brilliant. Hair and everything. 466 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,194 Yes. 467 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,317 Look at all these. 468 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,230 Your medal. Shiny, innit? 469 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,040 (TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS) 40459

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