All language subtitles for Big.Lake.S01E08.720p.HDTV.IMMERSE.en

- Mom?
- Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm helping Jeremy sell candy

so his marching band
can go to the nationals.

Thanks, mom.

And if he's the top salesman,

he wins a pizza party
for his homeroom.

Uh-uh-uh!

No eating the profits.

You're the coolest mom ever...

Also my top seller.

Jeremy,
you shouldn't be doing this.

You're telling me.

You know how difficult it is
to move cigarettes nowadays?

Nobody smokes anymore.

- Where did you get these?
- They fell off a truck.

I just happened to be there

with two Russian guys
and another truck.

Jeremy, I don't approve
of your lifestyle.

And so far, we've agreed
to disagree about that,

but I am warning you...

don't get mom involved.

Your weakness makes me
want to punch you in the balls.

The cops
will never suspect her,

plus she's got all that
extra room in her minivan.

She's the perfect mule.

Jeremy, I'm your older brother,

and I feel like I ought to give
you some guidance right now...

Here, take this, wet your beak,

and keep your mouth shut.

oh, now you're bringing
cigarettes into the house?

No, dad...

I won't have cigarettes
in the house.

Your mother and I quit
right after you were born.

She was smoking
while she was pregnant?

Oh, you bet she was.

All right,
get them out of here.

I don't want to have Jeremy

exposed to that stuff.
Fine.

Dad, I wanted
to show you something.

I've made some progress
on the $385,000 I owe you.

- You made some money?
- Not that kind of progress.

I made this.

Check it out.

There's $385,000.

There's where
we are today... zero.

Right? But I'll put it
on the fridge.

It'll help us keep track

of all the progress
that we're making.

And here is
my first installment...

$30.
Great.

What's all that red
at the bottom there?

Oh, that's foundation.
That's base.

What's base?

Base is all the things

you can't even put
a price tag on.

You know,
love and hugs and smiles

and familial loyalty

and a positive attitude...

the sort of things
that I bring to the table

before dollar one.

Erase it.

Erase it now!

Harder, a little elbow grease.

It's... it's
a computer printout.

That's not... they don't...
it's not how it works.

Hey, guys, I had
the weirdest dream last night.

I was being chased
through the woods

by Mr. peanut,
and he was pissed.

You should've hit him
in his monocle.

Or knocked out his cane.

Yeah, yeah.
Attack the weapon.

You always attack
the weapon, Glenn.

Yeah, I know.

I thought of that,
but it seemed too risky.

I just laid down
and did what he said.

What did he tell you to do?

He...

nothing.

I had a rough morning.

One of my students
asked a question

that wasn't on the curriculum.

I just faked a Charley horse
till the bell rang.

Long story short,
papa needs booze.

Hey, Josh's dad,

one bloody Mary.

- We don't serve alcohol.
- I'll pay double.

We don't have a liquor license.

Okay, what I'm trying
to say is,

I am willing to pay
up to $4.00

for a bloody Mary.

I'm a teacher.
I need this.

Believe me, I wish
I could charge you $4.00

for 15 cents worth of vodka.

Every time an alcoholic
leaves this place

with money in his pocket,
it pains me.

But legally, I can't do it.

Ah, Chris Henkel,

just the man I'm looking for.

- Hello, Mr. Mayor.
- Yeah, listen,

I got the old colonoscopy
this afternoon,

so I will need
my favorite deputy Mayor

to fill in for me.

You know, answer the phone,

sign for packages,
what have you.

It's my honor to serve.
Godspeed, sir.

That city auditor has been
so far up my rear end,

I wonder if the doctor
will see him up there.

Just kidding.
Ed's a good friend.

So while I'm unconscious,

you'll technically be Mayor.

So don't forget
the first rule of politics.

Don't screw up.

Good guy.

Good guy.

Hey, I didn't know
you were deputy Mayor.

Ah, it's a volunteer position.

It's a sweet deal, though.

I only have to go
to one meeting a year,

and I get a handicap placard
for my car.

This is big.
This is very big.

Did you hear
what the Mayor said?

When he's unconscious,
you're gonna be the Mayor.

Josh, he's not serious.

Technically, I'm the Mayor,
but I'm not really the Mayor.

I do this every year.

I just sit in his office

and look at his daughter's
cheerleading pictures.

It works.

Yeah, but he is
gonna be unconscious,

and you will be in charge.

I don't think they knock you
out for a colonoscopy.

Yeah, they do.

We don't even know how long
the procedure takes.

24 minutes.

Glenn, you sure do know a lot

about getting a colonoscopy.

Yeah, because in my family,

there's a long history
of ass cancer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to make
a veiled homosexual joke.

I had no idea
about your family's problems

with their turd chutes.

It's okay, man.
You didn't know.

Guys, we have to focus.

Chris is gonna be Mayor
for 24 minutes.

Look at us.

Can you think of three people

better suited to be in charge?

No, I can't.

Chris, this is your chance
at greatness.

This is your chance
to really make a mark.

I say you take
big lake by the lapels

and shake it up,
Mr. Mayor.

We'll hold its arms,
and you slap it around.

- Yeah, we're gonna give
this town a belly-to-back suplex

and follow up
with a sunset flip.

We're gonna chain it
to a radiator

and beat it down
with a phone book.

We'll file down
this town's fingerprints,

knock out its teeth,

and leave its body
in the swamp.

- To big lake!
- To big lake!

Big lake!

You know, you're right.

We're not gonna squander
this opportunity.

We're gonna bring about change.

We're gonna help those in need.

We're gonna listen
to those without a voice.

You know, all the things
Barack Obama said

when he tricked me
into voting for him.

This is not gonna be
politics as usual.

This historic moment
needs to be captured on film.

Meg, can you
take a picture of us?

Yeah, you guys
look like idiots.

Do you want me
to take another one?

No, no. For us,
that's pretty good.

Yeah, I like it.

Yeah, I'm gonna get
a print of that.

Hey, dad, good news.

I think I found a way
to get you that liquor license.

Josh, this restaurant
is between a church

and an elementary school.

I got a better chance
opening a methadone clinic

where topless ladies sell guns.

Yeah, but all of a sudden,

I'm best friends
with the Mayor,

and that cuts
through a lot of red tape.

You'll get your retirement money
back in no time, I promise.

Is this like when you promised

that if I let you invest
my life savings,

it would be impossible
for me to lose money?

It was impossible.

That's why it was so surprising
when it happened.

Hey, guys,
this is exciting stuff, huh?

Hells, yeah.

We're gonna own this town.

I'm actually
a little bit nervous.

Last time I had
this much responsibility,

I lost two students
on a field trip.

That's the flaw
in the buddy system.

Your 24 minutes have begun.

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

I like the sound of that.

So I had this idea.

Hold on.
Slow down.

Um, excuse me, miss?

As Mayor of this great city,

my first order of business

will be the French dip, fries,
and a milkshake.

That may have sounded
like a joke,

but, really, I do want that.

And don't forget,
the city's paying.

Yes, Chris.

It's "mr. Mayor."

Okay.

Okay, I gave the candy
to the Russian men,

and they said
they would pay you next week.

Oh.

Okay.

All right, I'll go back.

I'll tell them,
"this is not amateur hour,

and Jeremy
doesn't play around."

Got it.

Ooh. Oh, dear.

Mom?
Mommy, what's going on?

Mom?

Damn it.

Vladimir, Yevgeny...

So I had this idea.

Remember when you
couldn't get that bloody Mary?

Oh, dark days.
Dark days.

What if you could?

What if you could get
that drink?

I like where this is going.

- Cheddar creek
with a full-service bar.

I'm not talking
just beer and wine.

I'm talking top-shelf liquor.

- Cheap stuff too?
- Yeah.

Cheddar creek needs
a liquor license.

I've already got the paperwork.

Should take
less than 15 minutes,

and that'll give us
nine minutes left

to talk about health care.

Ah, my mayoral fries.

And you remember,
the city's paying for this.

I remember,
Mr. Mayor.

- Mm-hmm.
I like her.

Or we can go with my plan.

We'll get our cops
to start a fight

with the cops
from a nearby town, right?

Then we'll get it
on Youtube, right?

And while they're fighting,

we'll steal the cop cars
and get a smash-up derby going.

Glenn, right now
I'm just focusing

on the sandwich part
of my tenure.

Hey, could you do the Mayor
a special favor

and get some ketchup?

Yeah.
Sure, man.

I'm cutting Glenn loose.

Is this about the fries?

It's not about the fries.

But he took all my fries.

Glenn is our friend.

Of course,
he's our friend, Josh.

But, Josh, he's also a felon.

You understand the implications
of that, Josh?

Why do you keep using my name?

It's a campaign trick.
Hard to shake.

You've never campaigned.

- Josh, he's an ex-con,

part of the known
criminal element of big lake.

He stole my fries.
You saw that.

What else could he steal?

I'm not going down with him.

And guess what, Josh.
What?

That you're getting
out of control?

You're mad with power?

Well, you're the one
who opened this door in me.

You're the one
who unleashed this.

So if you want
your liquor license,

which I'm inclined to do,

I suggest
you get on board this train.

Chugga-chugga, choo-choo.

Here you go, guys.

Glenn, you know
how much I appreciate

everything you've done
for my administration.

I got the ketchup.

Took you a long time,
but you did.

I had to marry the bottles.

So I see.

Glenn, you're an ex-con,

and I'm the Mayor,

and I can't afford to be seen
talking with you.

I'm sorry.

But we're buddies.

Josh, tell him.

I'm sorry, Glenn.

Well, I'm glad Josh
could clear that up.

I'll accept
your resignation immediately.

Well, I'm out of here.

I'm not even
gonna give you guys

the satisfaction
of watching me cry.

Chris, I have to say,
you've changed.

Hey, you're
either rolling in it,

or you're eating it.

I'm done here.

Let's go check out
my new office.

We can park
in the handicapped spot.

Hold on, Josh.

I got to kiss a baby.

Hello, baby.

That's right.
Sorry, what... what are you doing?

I'm kissing your baby.

No, no, you leave
my baby alone.

I'm the Mayor,
and I'm kissing your baby.

I don't care.
Stop!

Hey, I'm gonna kiss
your baby, damn it!

No, you can't touch my baby.

- Mm, pucker up, kid.
- Stop!

Hey! I'm kissing
your [Bleep] baby!

Hey! Language!

What kind of freak are you?

It's amazing, isn't it, Josh?

That two worlds
can be separated

by three feet of oak?

Men on my side,
making things happen.

People on your side,
waiting for things to happen.

Okay, I'd like a half-pepperoni,
half-sausage,

crazysticks...

You want anything?
No, I'm good.

Uh, and throw in five calzones.

And put a rush on it.

I'm in a little bit
of a time crunch.

All right.

I don't mean to hurry you,
Mr. Mayor.

It's just that there's only
16 minutes left in your term.

The liquor control board lady
is right downstairs.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Uh, now, Josh,
before I push this through,

I'm gonna need your dad
to name a sandwich after me.

What are you talking about?

Well, if I take a lady
on a date

and she looks at the menu
and orders the "Chris Henkel,"

that's a sure panty-melter.

That's gross.

What kind of women
are you dating?

Oh, they're all pretty easy.

Now, Josh, I want to okay
this liquor license,

for you and for your dad...

Hell, for me.

I'd love to get hammered
at cheddar creek.

Hot food, liquor, and a toilet?

That's one-stop shopping.

So why don't you do it?

You have the opportunity
to make a difference.

What happened to helping
all the people without a voice?

Yeah, you know,
I thought about it,

and I decided to go
with politics as usual.

Turns out,
it's usual for a reason.

It's easier and a lot more fun.

I have to say, Mr. Henkel,
I'm disappointed.

No, Josh,
I'm disappointed in you.

I was grooming you
to be my deputy Mayor,

so that if I ever
got a colonoscopy

at the same time
the Mayor got a colonoscopy,

you'd be in charge.

But forget it now.
You blew it.

What's wrong with you?

No, don't try to apologize.

It's too late.

You're out, Josh.

Now be gone.

Fine.

But I'm leaving behind

this liquor license
application.

I hope you'll make
the right decision.

Good. I needed something
to doodle penises on.

Remember what they say,
Mr. Mayor...

"absolute power
corrupts absolutely."

That doesn't even rhyme.

and then I said to him,

"absolute power
corrupts absolutely."

That's good,
but it doesn't rhyme.

That's what Chris said.

Yeah, you should have said,
like, uh,

"righty tighty,
lefty loosey."

You can have that one.

He's drunk with power,

also I think probably
regular drunk too.

Are you even listening to me?

- Y-yeah. Why is there
a giant penis on your fridge?

It's a thermometer, Glenn,

to chart how much money
I owe my dad.

Nobody's penis has a perfectly
round ball at the end.

Yeah...
Right.

Politics...

It's a funny game,
isn't it, Glenn?

Yeah.

So if you were gonna go
to a doctor about your penis,

would you go
to a special penis doctor

or... or, like,
a regular doctor?

Josh, we've got a situation.

- What happened?
- You, beat it.

Oh, you got it, Jeremy.

How far should I go,
like a mile?

Look at me, asking questions.

But a mile's okay?
I'm asking...

hey, take it easy.

The cops got tipped off.

I think it was because mom left
the Russians a thank-you note.

What happened?

They impounded mom's car

and got all my cigarettes.

That's a lot of merch, Josh,
a lot of merch.

Wait, where's mom?

Yeah, they... they got her too.
That's the other thing.

I told you
not to get her involved!

She's a big girl.

She knew what
she was getting into.

No, she didn't, 'cause you
told her it was candy!

Relax. Mom can do two years
standing on her head.

She's a rock.

Our mother's gonna be
in prison for two years?

Don't get emotional on me.

If you've got a solution,
I'm listening.

Otherwise,
go play with your toys.

Hey, I see
what's happening here.

You're asking me for help.

I am not.

Jeremy, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I'm your Big Brother.

So if it's riding a bike

or getting mom out of jail or
help with your spelling words,

I'm here for you.

All you have to do is ask.

Fine.

Can you help me get mom
out of jail?

What's the magic word?

Can you help me get mom
out of jail, [Bleep]?

It's "please," man.

"Please" is the magic word.

Is this
V.I.P. gentlemen's club?

Okay, I'd like to order
a lap dance

for delivery
to the Mayor's office.

And on the receipt,

make it out
to "normal Mayor business."

Oh, there's my pizza.

Got to go.

Hello, Chris.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I see you're delivering
pizzas now.

- We're not delivering pizzas.
- Oh.

I've come to ask you for help.

Is this about
your liquor license?

You got some big balls
coming here.

Really? I'm already
worried about my tip.

I'm not here to talk
to the Mayor.

I'm here to talk
to my friend Chris,

a guy I used to look up to.

Yeah, Chris,
you've been a real dickweed.

I don't know if I'd use
that word necessarily.

I might say gluttonous,
selfish, lazy.

- I don't know if I'd use
t- no, Glenn's right..

I have been a dickweed.

I guess I was trying
to make myself feel big

by making other people
feel small.

I screwed it up,

just like I screw up
everything in my life.

- Chris, don't say that.
- Two failed marriages...

I thought it was one.

- A horrible liar,
a dead-end job,

rented pants...
it's bad.

It's real bad.

About ten years ago,
I met this girl.

Did not meet the profile
of a girl with a penis at all.

She didn't have
an Adam's apple,

that's the first thing
I always check.

I really want to hear
this story.

I mean, I do,
but I can't right now.

My mom's been arrested.

I need you to get her out.

You know I can't do that.

Come on, Chris,
we don't have much time.

I know I came to you before
with a "want,"

but now I'm coming
to you with a "need."

Sometimes ordinary men

are called upon
to do extraordinary things.

Let's go.

Ahh.

Mom, I was
so worried. Are you okay?

Jail was fun.

If you act crazy enough,
nobody bothers you,

so blblblbl!

I wish someone
had told me that.

It was well worth it.

Jeremy is spending a week in...

Bogota!

Oh, thanks, mom.

I'll be sure to send you
a piñata.

Who's hungry?

- I can always eat.
- Yep.

Family, huh?

Come on, listen, I know
you're not gonna say thank you,

but you're welcome.

Bring it in.
Come on.

Listen, uh, here's 500 bucks.

Let's, uh, call it even.

Nope, nope.
I want the hug.

And I'd rather keep things
between us on a cash basis.

- Oh, oh, got ya.
- Oh, come on!

That's a hug.
We're hugging

- no, I don't want this.
- Now we're hugging.

Come on, we're brothers.

Oh, boy, I need one of those.

No, you're not getting
in on this, either.

No, no!

Your face is so close.

Will you look at that?

The picture we took when
we first went into politics.

You kept that?

Of course.
Look at us.

Were we ever that young?

I was a lot thinner then.

There's so much hope
in our eyes.

We thought we were gonna make
a difference.

What happened to us?

Power happened.

I wish we could be

those three guys
in that picture again.

We can be.

Gentlemen, I hereby resign
as Mayor of big lake.

- But, Chris...
- No, I've made my decision.

It's a funny thing, to lead men.

You're always surrounded
by people,

yet you never feel more alone,

gs of wax and dreams.

- Chris?
- Hmm?

Your term ran out an hour ago.

Oh, good.
I was out of material.

Hey, can I get a bloody Mary?

We can't serve liquor.

Oh.

I should have done
that thing you said.

Oh, well.

Corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

So your penis has
a bunch of red lines on it?

Yeah.

And where does
the pee come out?

Here.

And...

Where does the other stuff
come out?

Here.

Dude, has a girl
ever seen your penis?

Um, I try to keep
the lights off, you know?

Yeah, but I would have
to imagine

they pick up pretty quickly

that something's
seriously wrong.

Some chicks dig it.

Whatever that part is

is almost definitely
full of blood.

The tip is, which is normal,

and then the rest is like,
there's no blood,

so it just dangles.

I feel like it's hard for me
to know what we're talking about

if you don't...
I got to kind of see it.

You don't have to see.
What I'm telling you is,

that's exactly
what my penis looks like.

Like, when I saw it,

I was afraid you broke
into my house

and took a picture of me
while I was sleeping.

Wait, it's this big too?

Yeah, I have it rolled up
like a snake.

Like cylindrical?
You roll it up?

It coils?
Yeah, it has to coil.

With a penis like that,
what are you gonna do...

leave it hanging
out of your pants?

Well, of course not.

I coil it like a decent person,

and then I wear,
like, uh, swimming trunks

to keep it all, you know.

Dude, I'm thinking
special penis doctor.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.