All language subtitles for Interstate 60 (2002)

There's this theory.

Given an infinite universe
and infinite time,

all things will happen.

That means that every event
is inevitable,

including those
that are impossible.

That's as good an explanation
for all this as anything else.

Now, a lot of stories
start in bars,

so that's where
we're going to start this one.

Not because I was there--
I wasn't--

but because it's
a damn good introduction

to a very unique fellow.

Legends
of every major culture

all contain some
sort of character

whose purpose
is to Grant wishes,

except America's.

The arabs have genies;
The Irish have leprechauns.

The Chinese have
dragons and monkeys.

The Europeans have
fairies and wood sprites.

But what do we have?

Um, Santa claus?

Santa claus
just brings presents.

He doesn't
Grant wishes.

Satan.
He grants wishes.

Zack, Satan predates
American culture,

and he doesn't
Grant wishes.

He makes deals.

All right, I give up.

Who do we have here?

No one.

That's my thesis.

Our culture is unique
in having no such mythology,

and given that fact--

ah, but you're wrong,
my friend.

Excuse me?

There is a fella in America
who grants wishes,

but only one to a customer.

And who is this "fella"?

O.W. Grant.

That's his usual name.

He's got many others.

And he's an elusive
son of a bitch.

You'd have an easier time
finding a genie.

So how come we've never heard
of this O.W. Grant?

You haven't heard
of O.W. Grant

because America's a much younger
place than Ireland or Arabia.

Not too many people have had
a chance to meet up with him.

Let me guess.

You have.

I met him
out on interstate 60,

accidentally.

That's his way.

Folks don't find him;
He finds them.

He just kind of happens
into them,

and they don't know who he is
or what he does

until he does it.

And mostly he messes
with them,

plays tricks--
that's his way too.

But sometimes
if he takes a shine to you,

he'll play it straight.

Now, one story says
that his daddy

was a leprechaun,

came over here
with the Irish.

Now, midgets are
notorious skirt-chasers.

This leprechaun goes
and knocks up a Cheyenne Indian.

Cheyenne get
their land taken away,

and you end up with an immortal,
nomadic half-breed

with magical powers.

Interstate 60,
you said?

Mm-hmm.

So what does
this O.W. Grant look like?

Red bow tie.

He smokes a pipe carved
in the image of a monkey.

Maybe you'd be better off

writing your thesis
without mentioning O.W.

He'd probably rather not
have people knowing about him.

You got it.

Good night.

Hey, Quincy,
check this out.

There is no interstate 60.

I-65, 64, 66,
and 69.

No i-60.

Jeez.

Well, I guess tonight's

everybody's-full-of-shit
night.

Guy with a red bow tie
and a monkey pipe

who grants wishes?

Right.

♪ ♪

No, damn it.

Look, I-I need that bid in
before 12:00.

Yeah, it's critical.

Just--

all right, call Wes.

Holy shit!

Oh, jeez.

Broke the jaw.

I'm sorry, mister.

I didn't see you.

Oh! Ow.

Are you okay?

Come on.

Are you all right?

Jesus.

No!

Oh, man, my bike!

Look, I'm sorry.

I'll--I'll pay.

Oh, god damn it.

Oh, god damn it,
look at my suit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

I got a sales meeting
at 11:00.

This is
a fucking disaster.

My phone is my fucking

lifeline.

God damn it.

Oh, well, I say everything
happens for a reason.

Me, I guess I just needed
a new bike.

I, for one, did not need
this shit in my life,

not today
of all fucking days!

God damn it,
I wish this had never happened!

I wish it hadn't happened.

I wish it hadn't happened.

Well, is that your wish?

If you had a wish,
you'd wish this hadn't happened?

Fuckin' "a" right!

Granted,

Mr. Baker.

How'd you know my name?

Yeah, I need the bid in
before 12:00.

Yeah, it's critical.

Look, call Wes.

Have him fax the top sheet
to the main office.

Get it there by--
speak up, all right?

I can't hear you.

I can't--

splat!

Some people just don't know
what to wish for.

Oh.

♪ Hit me in the blind spot
over again, ♪

♪ and I don't
have to tell you why. ♪

♪ Stay where you are. ♪

♪ Never stay where you are. ♪

Captioning provided by
screen media ventures, llc.

♪ Don't try
and make this special. ♪

♪ I couldn't help
just to bring you down. ♪

♪ But I know
you'll find me out. ♪ ♪

As for my part in this story,

well, it began on a Tuesday,

September 18th,
my birthday.

My 22nd birthday,
to be exact.

Oh, I'm Neal Oliver,

and this mess is my apartment
in St. Louis, missourah,

where at this particular moment,
I was at majordecision.Com.

Should I wear a tie

to lunch?

Damn.

Happy birthday, Neal.

Thank you.
Oh, sweetie.

You're not mad
that I'm bailing on you tonight.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, how cool would it be
to bomb your psych test

because of
a stupid concert?

No, uh-uh.

You have got to wait
until lunch.

It's your family's rules.

But you can open this.

I intercepted
your snail mail.

It's the reality check.

I'm game over
on the arts scholarship.

Well, you should
at least open it.

I can tell a rejection
by weight.

Oh, you're the wrong sex,

the wrong color,

and your family
has too much money.

I'm sorry.

Just don't--don't mention
anything to my old man, please.

You are so weird.

What?

Well, you're actually

supposed to cut
your grapefruit in half

and eat it
with a spoon,

not peel it
and eat it like an orange.

Oh, look.

It's her.

Again.

Should I be, like,
jealous?

Well, maybe
if she was real.

So I had another dream
about her last night.

She was in jail.

That's got to mean something.

I'll tell you
what it means.

You saw her once somewhere,

and it made
a subconscious impression.

The impression
came back to you in a dream,

so you drew her,

which made the impression
stronger.

You dream; You draw.
You draw; You dream.

Now it's a vicious cycle,

so quit drawing her,
and it'll end.

Well, thank you,
Carl jung.

Mm-hmm.

Fact is, I enjoy drawing her.

But am i--am I any good
at this, Sally?

'Cause today's the deadline
of the Conrad competition.

Should I even enter
a piece?

Don't ask me, Neal.

I don't want
to be judgmental.

But I do know that just because
you enjoy doing something

doesn't necessarily mean that
you should make it your career.

Here.

No worries.

As I said, it all started
on my 22nd birthday,

specifically here,

at my traditional
birthday lunch.

As always, my father
had picked the restaurant.

Attending were
the usual suspects:

Sally, who my parents
actually liked,

maybe even more than I did;

my dad, Daniel,
attorney-at-law;

my mom, Marlene,
the attorney's wife;

and my sister and best friend,
Nancy,

put on earth
by the grace of god

to keep me from going insane.

Okay, okay.

So what did you wish for?

Please tell me that it was
something about us.

I'm guessing

he wished he could
go skydiving again.

God forbid.

Oh, no, no, Neal,
you didn't.

Why, if I tell,
it won't come true.

Actually,
that's an old wives' tale.

The truth is,

you should always
tell your wish.

Kind of Karma thing.

Put it out there,
project it.

Then it just might
come true.

Never heard
of that before.

Oh, it's true,
believe me.

I know.

I'll cut this for you.

Okay.

So now you
have to tell us.

Yeah, come on.

Tell us, Neal o.

Okay.

Um, I wished for...

An answer.

Um, an answer.

Okay, an answer
to what?

An answer to my life.

Here it is.

Happy birthday, son.

Your admission to
the Bradford law fellowship.

Just do the interview
next month,

on October 15th,
and you're in.

It's all arranged
by me,

and you can take that
to the bank.

Dad, I told you
I wasn't sure yet.

Well, I can be sure
for the both of us.

Last candle gone.

Take it with you.

That is,
if you want your wish granted.

Thanks.

Oh, cool.

It's my color too.

Thank you so much.

Aw.

Sable brushes.

Nance,

you're the best, Nancy.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Best for last.

Happy birthday, son.

Isn't it perfect?

Fire engine red.

You have no idea how hard it was

to find a red convertible
in this town.

Fuel-injected,
160 horses,

car phone--

yeah, I even got you
special plates.

Oh, boy, I would have killed

for a car like this
when I was your age.

Oh, you know, I thought it was
high time for an image change,

and what better way
to start?

Now, you see, the engine is
a 2 1/2 liter

dual overhead cam
in-line six...

As usual,
it was all about him,

his idea of cool.

Red was his color,
not mine.

It was his pet phrase
on the licence plate.

Clearly, he was expecting me
to become him.

Well, isn't it the best present
you could ever get?

It's awesome.

Come on, Neal,
take me for a ride.

Well, son?

Clank!

Neal!

Oh, my god!

Son, son.

Somebody call 911.

Neal, Neal,
are you all right?

Talk to me, son.

Neal.

Dr. Pfeiffer, call 466.

Dr. Pfeiffer,
call 466.

Hey.

St. Louis' finest thin crust.

Ah.

You all right, Neal o.?

Yeah, yeah, I just--

it only hurts
when I think.

They want to keep me
overnight

to log some tests
in the morning,

make sure my perception
isn't, like, warped, you know?

Oh, you're a goddess,
Nance.

I know.

So what's your perception
of a dad

who buys you the gift
he wants for himself?

About the same
as toxic waste.

Your perception's fine.

That was one hell of a way

of getting out
of answering dad.

I know.

Mom and him
are going to be here.

What are you going to tell them?

Lies.

The truth's going
to piss him off.

Well, maybe that's
a good thing.

No, no, because then I'm going
to get the whole riff

about how I'm letting him down.

It's just easier
if I roll with it.

Hey, maybe someone
will steal it.

First a little visual warm-up.

I'll hold up a card;
You name the suit.

I'm going to go
faster and faster,

so see if you can keep up.

Okay.

Diamond.

Club.

Spade.
heart.

Diamond.
Spade.

Diamond.
Heart.

Club, spade,
heart.

Diamond,
club.

Heart, spade, diamond.

Club, spade.

Heart, club, spade,
heart.

Did I pass?

No,

but few people do.

Black hearts?

Red spades?

Come on, that's like cheating.

Ah, experience has
conditioned you into thinking

that all hearts are red
and all spades are black.

Because their shapes
are similar,

it's easier for your mind
to interpret them

based on
that past experience

instead of being open to the
idea they could be different.

We see what
we expect to see,

not necessarily
what's really there.

Children who have never
played cards always pass

this test.

Makes you wonder
how many other things

are right
in front of you--

sights, sounds, smells
that you can't experience

because you've been conditioned
not to.

The good news is,

if we do the test again,

you'll pass.

Once you're aware
that there can be

black hearts
and red spades,

you'll be able
to perceive them.

Your brain's wiring is like
the interstate highway system.

It's easier to go from one
well-traveled place to another,

but the places
in between,

off the highway,
even though they're there,

most people just zip
right past them.

Well, that's a cool trick,

but there aren't
any card games

with red spades
and black hearts.

Well, how would you know?

Mr. Oliver,
I'm Dr. Craig.

You ready
to take some tests?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that was some warm-up act
you got there,

that guy ray.

Who?

Ray, you know, the guy
who was just--he just left.

You know,
with the trick cards.

Uh, there's no one on staff
named ray.

No, he was just here,

the--you know,
the wacky guy

with the cards.

He had the light green
lab coat?

The staff wears blue here,
not green,

but we can test
your color perception.

Oh.

Dropped the seven
of hearts.

Come on in, son.

So how's that new car?

Awesome?

Yeah, dad,
it's very awesome.

What's on
your mind, son?

Well, um, I'm not so sure
about this Bradford thing, dad.

It just--it seems
a little too easy.

You know?

I spent years
working very hard

so it would be easy
for you.

Do you want to work nights
in that warehouse

for the rest
of your life?

That's just so I don't
have to ask you for cash.

Son, let me give you
some Daniel Oliver philosophy,

and you can take it
to the bank.

Whenever someone offers you
an advantage, take it.

And this program
is an advantage.

It'll get you into
any law school in the country.

Mm, what America needs:
Another lawyer.

Another good lawyer.

We can always use
one of those.

That's what cost
30 gs?

$32,200.

I outbid two major collectors
to get it.

That's a lot of money
for a drop cloth.

That shows you
how much you know.

That's a Franklin Samuels
original.

He's a name artist.

If you ever sell
anything,

the operative word
being "if,"

maybe, maybe your opinion
will count.

Look, dad, I'm just not sure,
okay?

I thought about maybe taking
some time off.

Time off for what?

Well, just sort of take stock,
you know?

Try and figure
some things out.

Waste more time
with your art?

It's a hobby, son.

Would you leave it at that?

Look, I got you
into Bradford

because Pratt's
on the board,

and he won't be
next year,

so if you don't
take advantage of this now,

there won't be
a next time.

Why not just go
through the program?

If you ultimately decide
law school's not for you,

then I'll live
with it.

At least you'll be
a Bradford fellow,

and that's something
you can always take to the bank.

Then you can, you know,
figure things out.

So you're going Bradford, huh?

Thought you weren't sure.

I'm not.

I think I'd be stupid not to
at least give it a shot.

Can't let down
the old man.

Bought you off
with a fancy car.

He's maximizing his options,
frank.

It's very mature.

We should be
supportive,

not judgmental.

"Look for the good
in your fellow man."

Ooh, "the warm wind of romance
blows around you."

"With good health,
prosperity will follow."

"October 15th.
Are you sure?"

October 15th, that's the day
of my Bradford interview.

Let me
see that.

Okay, you got me.

It's blank.

What the hell?

See, I would never
get on that ship.

Never.

Just leave
everything behind,

not know where you're going.

I can't believe
that you would, Neal,

just leave your friends

and your family
and for what?

Hey, earth to Neal.

What's the matter?

Sally, my fortune.

Didn't it say, "October 15th,
are you sure?"

Obviously, it didn't.

No, at the restaurant,
when I showed it to you,

isn't that what it said?

Why are you making
such a big deal of this?

Because it's bugging me,
that's why.

You're just projecting
your anxiety

about your decision,
and that's natural.

It's okay.

You'll do great,
because that's who you are.

I know. Here.

Just take
a nice, deep breath.

Relax.

Sally, listen to me.

What are the chances

that of all the cookies
in that kitchen,

that exact one
ended up on a plate

that was taken
to our table,

and I picked it?

It was blank.

Neal, the fortune
was blank.

You projected.

I projected?

Right.

That was the politically correct
way to say I was seeing things.

A lovely thought.

I worked graveyard shift
at a grocery warehouse,

filling orders
for the trucks

to take to the various stores
in the morning.

I liked it
for three reasons:

I'd gotten the job on my own,

it paid enough
that I didn't have to ask

the old man for cash,

and it annoyed Daniel

that his son was even working
at such a low-class job.

I hear you're quitting
to become some big-shot lawyer

in your new fancy-ass car,
huh?

Huh, well, whoop-de-do.

Hey, Kirby,
give the kid a break.

You just remember that no matter
how hot shit you think you are,

it's always going to be
more of the same.

Just another high school.

High school?
Hell, yeah.

Everything in life
is high school.

They just change
the names.

Well, you take
this place.

Instead of a principal,
we've got a boss.

Instead of teachers,
supervisors.

Instead of assignments,
they give us work orders.

And if you fuck up
them work orders,

you get fired

instead of expelled.

Oh, yeah.

The names are different,
but it is the exact same shit.

High school.

Oops.

Damaged goods.

Well, store
can't sell them.

Guess I'll just have
to take them off their hands.

Hee-hee.

Is he right, Otis?

I mean, is everything
more of the same?

Yeah, if you look at it
like that.

I mean, look at me.

I show up here,

see the same people,

take shipments
to the same stores,

see those same people,

eat at the same places,

see those same people,

but not really.

See, I like seeing
those people.

Well, most of them,
anyway.

And if I want
something different,

I could make it different--

go a different way,
eat at a different place,

do an interstate gig.

See, I never went
to high school.

Look at them.

In the morning, they'll get up
and go to the store.

The pasta will be
on the shelf where it always is.

Not one of them will give
a moment's thought

as to how it got there.

Holy shit.

That's her.

I must have seen her
on a billboard,

and that's how
she got in my dreams.

That's wild.

You dream about her?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,
it's pretty silly, huh?

Well, maybe
it means something.

Like what?

Like the thunderbolt.

You know,
love at first sight.

Oh, come on, Otis.

That's just
fairy-tale stuff.

That's how I met
my wife.

Spotted her in a crowd

at the riverfront
fourth of July fireworks.

Couldn't take
my eyes off her.

I mean, the fireworks
were up there,

but I was staring
at her.

And I just knew.

Well, see, all my girlfriends
are always a reaction

to the one I had last.

Like, Janet was so opinionated
about my art,

it drove me crazy.

So I found Sally, who refuses
to be judgmental about it.

Meanwhile, she's trying to
psychoanalyze me, you know?

So she's not the one either.

Then maybe you should go
after her.

A girl like that,
she's a model.

She's probably got guys
falling all over her,

guys with--
guys with big portfolios.

Yeah, I guess it's
a kind of childish idea,

chasing a dream.

Yeah, hi.

Your billboard
on delmar and vickers,

the one on the side
of the building?

Yeah, whose ad agency is that?

No, no, no, no, no.

Next to the casino queen
billboard,

the girl with the phone.

It says "there is
another choice."

Blank?

No, it can't be blank.

I was just there;
I just saw it.

No, I just saw it.

Hey, what does the sign
on the right say?

What are you, nuts?

It's blank, man.

Neal Oliver, your appointment

has been scheduled
for tomorrow,

September 25th,
10:00 A.M.,

555 olive street,
suite 1300.

No rescheduling.

Who is this?

Hello?

Hello?

555 olive street,
suite 1300.

No rescheduling.

Morning, Mr. Oliver.

Wasn't sure
you'd actually show up.

Not everyone does.

Ray?

I've got a job for you
if you want it.

Drive across country,

deliver a package.

All right, what the hell
is going on here, ray,

because I'm seeing things
on signs

and fortune cookies.

I mean,
weird messages.

Black hearts
and red spades?

I told you
you could see them now.

But what's it all about?

It's all about you, Neal.

It's all about you.

Here's the job.

You misspelled Denver.

Did I, now?

Okay, so why me?

Why not fedex?

I mean, what's in here,
anyway?

Can't really say.

Because you don't know
or because you do

and you don't want me
to know?

Well, either way,
the result is the same.

So what's this job pay?

Can't really say.

Well, what's the catch?

Or you can't really say that
either?

Always wanting the answers,
aren't you?

Consider it an interesting way
to break in the new century

or simply a way to break in
that new car

before your Bradford
interview.

How do you know
about that?

Open it.

Sit down.

Here's the deal.

If you walk out of here
with that package,

you agree to deliver it.

You don't lose it,
you don't open it,

and you don't try to find out
what's inside it.

You'll be compensated
on the other end.

Go by way
of interstate 60.

Delivery date is October 2nd,

so you'll have time
to visit some towns,

meet some people,

see what's out there,

pick up some traveler's tales.

Highway experiences,

episodes of the road.

This is too surreal.

I mean, you, this office--

the 13th floor of a building
that has no 13th floor?

My alarm clock's going
to go off any second.

Rise and shine.

You're awake, Neal.

Could be you're awake
for the first time

in your life.

Clack!

It's our standard form.

And I'll need you
to seal it

with a drop of your blood.

Blood?

Of course.

I'm the devil.

Just kidding.

Traditionally, when a man
means what he says,

he'll put his blood
where his mouth is.

All right.

Oh, one more thing.

There's a killer out there,

so be careful.

Now you tell me?

After I sign?

Well, the journey of life
always includes

the possibility of death.

Well, this killer,
what does he look like?

Who said it was a man?

It's a woman?

It's not this Robin fields,
is it?

I know.

You can't really say.

I didn't misspell
the name of that town.

You'll find it.

Just go west
on interstate 60.

Look, we've been
over this.

There is no
interstate 60.

There's a U.S.-60,
but there's no interstate 60.

Look, there's got to be.

Well, looky here.

Here's 70.

The next major route south
is 40.

So if there was
an i-60,

it would have to be somewhere
between 70 and 40.

But as you can see,
it's not there.

It simply doesn't exist.

Where do you find a highway
that doesn't exist?

Well, I decided to look where it
would be if it did exist.

Ray had said you don't find
the hidden places

by sticking
to the well-traveled routes,

so I skipped
the well-traveled interstate 55

and went south
on Bob Dylan's highway 61.

And there she was again,
telling me I was right.

I was fast becoming
a believer in signs.

Hey.

It's you I'm delivering
this package to, isn't it?

You're Robin fields.

Well, that also makes
total sense.

Cool, very cool.

Very, very cool.

You're the waiter
from my birthday party.

O.W. Grant.

Neal Oliver.

This is a strange
coincidence,

seeing you here again.

Yeah, only if you believe
in coincidence.

I prefer inevitability.

Every event is inevitable.

If it wasn't,
it wouldn't happen.

Right.

Oh, I forgot to give you
your birthday present.

Remember your wish?

Oh, an answer.

Yeah.

That's great.

Yeah, it gets greater.

Go on. Go ahead.

Try it.

Yes or no questions.

Okay, um, 8-ball,
is there an interstate 60?

Glug

I told you
it'd get greater.

Who are you, mister?

The "O.W." Stands for
"one wish."

That's what I do.

I Grant wishes,
one to a customer.

Yours was more interesting
than most--open-ended,

signifies thought
instead of greed.

That's what I get
most of the time;

"gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme this.

Gimme that."

Usually money or sex
or easy living.

How I deliver,

well, that depends
on what mood I'm in.

8-ball, is this guy
bullshitting me?

Glug

come on.

Let's find that road.

Now, one young couple
wished to be married,

live happily ever after.

So I blew up
their car

at the church on the way
to their honeymoon.

Another guy, he wanted
great, perfect sex every day

with his choice of gorgeous
women, no pregnancies.

So every day,
he gets a fedex delivery

of a skin magazine,
box of tissues.

There's the stop sign;
Turn right.

There's a signpost
up ahead.

Son of a bitch.

I found it.

It was inevitable.

Moo!

So I thought all interstates
were divided highways

with limited access.

Well, when a highway
doesn't officially exist,

the rules don't apply.

Okay, so how is it
we're on a highway

that isn't on any map

going to towns
that presumably don't exist?

Well, there's unlisted
phone numbers, right?

So why can't there be
unlisted highways and towns?

Eh, I don't buy it.

There's got to be a better
explanation than that.

Better explanation, okay.

How about
it's a parallel dimension?

Or you're in a dream,

or it has something
to do with your wish.

Or you're in a coma
from when that bucket hit you,

or maybe, just maybe,

you're dead.

Well?

Well, what do you want, kid?

I just gave you
not one explanation, but six,

all of them reasonable.

You want an answer,
pick one.

It won't change
anything.

You took a job,
and now you've got to do it.

Yeah, but it could
change something.

So what if--like,
what if I am dead?

What if I'm dead
right now?

Then there's no reason
why I shouldn't drive

into oncoming traffic,
right?

Okay, go ahead.
Try it.

But as we accelerate and wait
for the big semi to come at us,

which should be in about 25
seconds, I figure, ponder this.

Now, if you are dead,
then this is the afterlife.

And you made a deal with a guy,
sealed in blood,

who knew everything about you,

including what
you were going to say

before you said it.

Now, who do you think
that guy might be?

And do you think it's
a good idea to piss him off?

Maybe you've got
a point.

Maybe I do.

Oh, I love this highway.

Me, I consider myself
an artist too.

I see life

as art appreciation.

You know, some artists can't
stand the sight of their work

once it's finished.

Me I'm one
of my own biggest fans.

And one of my favorites
will be coming through that door

any moment----
now.

Yeah, can I take your order?

15 double cheeseburgers,
please.

15 double cheese
to go.

Oh, not to go--
I'll eat them here.

Hold order.

You're going to eat

15 double cheeseburgers
all by yourself?

Yeah.

Why, are they real big?

You think 15's
too many?

Way too many.

All right, 12, then,
an even dozen.

Are you drunk
or something, mister?

Well, I don't know.

Can you get drunk
on six beer?

Hey, fella.

I got a hundred says
you can't eat 6 double cheese,

much less 12.

So what you're saying is,

they're really big
cheeseburgers, hmm?

My hundred's saying
you can't eat 6 double cheese.

Well, I'm kind of hungry.

Well, maybe you're right.

12 is too many burgers.

I'll tell you what.

Make it two double cheese,

three orders
of fried chicken,

one b.L.T.,

two ham and Swiss
on rye,

chicken fried steak,
Turkey club,

and two bowls of chili,
extra onions.

And one piece
of each of those pies.

One piece
of each of these pies?

Anything else?

Three orders
of onion rings.

That's a much more
sensible lunch

than 12 double cheeseburgers.

Oh, and hold the pickles.

Oh, holding
those pickles.

100 bucks

if you can finish
all that food

in one hour

without getting up
from that counter

and without losing
your lunch.

Well,

I'm not much of a bettin' man.

Well, two-to-one odds,
then.

No, no, no.

I'll give you
three-to-one odds.

That's $300 of mine
against $100 of yours.

Well, what the hell.

It's only money.

All right.

Hal.

Hmm?

You better hold
onto this money.

Sure.

Yeah, I'll take
some of that.

8-ball, is this guy going to
really eat all that food?

Glug

Hey, can I get in
on this action?

Ask him.

No, I like long shots.

You're crazier
than he is.

My money's
just as good, right?

Fine by me.

Sir, you want anything
to drink with that?

There's your order.

All right,
it's 1:10.

On your Mark.

Get set.

Wait.

Ketchup, please.

Yeah!

Thanks.

All right,
what's the trick?

Trick?

Where's the food?

It can't all be
in your damn stomach.

Actually, I don't know.

You know, the fact is,
I've always loved eating,

more than anything.

I'd go into a restaurant

and want to order
everything on the menu.

But I was always frustrated

by the small capacity
of my stomach.

Well, 17 years ago,
I made a wish,

and amazingly enough,

it came true.

Now I have what you might call
a black hole in my belly,

only I have to keep eating like
this six or seven times a day.

It gets expensive,
so I travel a lot,

and I take advantage
of guys like you

to pay for it.

That's a good one.

Excuse me, mister.

I gotta know one thing.

Do you still love eating?

No.

Now it's a drag.

Listen, kid.

Nobody minds being taken
by that guy.

He gave us a good show
for our money.

But I draw the line
at what you did.

What did I do?

I just backed the right horse,
that's all.

You were in on it.

I know a hustle
when I see one.

No, I played a hunch.

I swear to god I've never seen
this guy before in my life.

But your friend there has.

Haven't you,
fella?

Oh, I won't deny it.

Now, give the money
that you stole, son.

Hey, look, so I won
a couple of bets.

If that's such a crime,
why don't you call the police?

I am the police.

Oh. Okay.

Sorry about that.

That's all my money.

Hit the road, fellas.

So what's
your game, Mr. Grant?

Because it seems like

you know exactly
what's going to happen

just before it happens,

and you're just
fucking with me.

Oh, don't take it personal, kid.

I fuck with everybody.

That's what I do.

In fact, I highly recommend it

as an unending source
of amusement.

And as far as knowing
what's going to happen,

well, on this highway, the past,
the present, and the future,

the what-ifs and maybes,
the roads not taken

can all converge,
get jumbled up.

I just happen to be tuned
into it, that's all.

So what are you, like an angel
or a god or something?

Just picking out certain people
to give them a wish?

No.

No, I'm just a guy who likes
to mess with people's heads.

I'm a joker
in life's deck.

But why do it?

I enjoy it.

You should always find
something to do that you enjoy.

Although I will admit

I have been considering
a career change--

job in a convenience store

or maybe becoming
a male prostitute.

You're gay?

You're fucking
with me again, aren't you?

Yeah.

No, the fact is,
I'm a virgin.

Always will be.

My penis was cut off
in a very weird accident

when I was nine.

Yeah, right.

You want to see it?

Yeah.

Show me.

Zip

holy shit.

Oh.

God.

Oh, let me tell you,

the world's
a very different place

when you're not constantly
thinking about sex

or responding sexually
to everything.

Yeah.

Ah, god, I guess
it would be.

Wait;
How would you know?

How would you know
what it's like

to not have
something you never had?

Oh, now you're thinking.

You'd be surprised

how many people
take that statement on faith.

Sounds right,
so they just accept it.

As I say,
messing with people's heads

can be a lot of fun.

You should try it.

Oh, some nice scenery
coming up ahead.

Hello, men.

You going my way?

If you're going west.

Then that's my way.

Hey, why don't you hop
in the back,

because hunky's going to want
a good look at me,

and if I'm in the front,
he'll have a better view,

and if you're in the back,
so will you.

I'm Laura.

I'm Neal.

Oh, and that's Mr. Grant.

So where are you going,
Laura?

Me?

Oh, i'm, uh,
going to, uh,

find the perfect fuck.

Wow, that's
an interesting destination.

You ever been there?

Can't say that I have.

Me neither,

but so far, the trip's
been pretty exciting.

Only, how will you know
when you've gotten there?

Ugh, that is
the problem.

It's actually become
my obsession,

but you don't need
to hear about that.

No, no, no, it's a--
uh, uh,

sure, sure I do.

The first time
wasn't that great.

I'm thinking,
"this is it?

"This is what all these songs
are written about?

I mean,
talk about hype."

Second time
was a little bit better.

Third time, now,
that was a hot time.

Fourth time, not as good
as the third time,

but once
I'd done this enough

to have
all these experiences

to compare,
it just drove me nuts.

I mean, what if the best one
was right around the corner?

You know, how much better
would the perfect one be?

So this became my quest.

Now, there is times that I wish
I'd gone in the convent,

but my obsession becomes
your opportunity.

So, you little stud muffin,
you want to take advantage

of a girl
who can't say no?

Uh, any guy ever
turn you down before?

Not unless
he was gay.

Okay, um, what--
what number would I be?

2,461.

But I have got a very,
very good feeling about you,

and there's something
very, very special.

Uh, I think
I'm going to pass, Laura.

What do you mean
you'll pass?

Guys don't pass.

Oh, I'm clean.

There's no diseases if that's
what you're worried about.

I've got condoms,

all the best kinds.

Come on, Neal,
stick it to me.

Come on.
Okay.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm not doing it, period.

So, what, you're just--
you're not man enough?

You meet a real woman,
and you turn into a wuss?

Afraid you won't
measure up,

huh?

Well, you'll never know,
will you?

Because if I don't do it,

I won't be number
two thousand and whatever.

I'll be number one,
that one guy,

the guy you'll remember
for the rest of your life.

You'll stay up at night
thinking about me,

wondering,
"was he the one?"

The answer's yes,
I am the perfect fuck.

The one you never had,
perfect in every way.

Okay, just stop it.

S-stop it!

It's a zen thing.
It's amazing.

I've never been perfect
at anything before.

Yeah, well,
you did fuck me--

a mindfuck,
and it was terrible.

It was good for me.

What about you, mister?

I bet you're a real man,
man enough to be in my book.

Oh, hell, yes.

Put me down in there,

but I sometimes got
a little problem, you know,

uh, getting excited.

Oh,

you just let me
take care of that, baby.

Mmmng!

Zip

Now, that's a museum
you'd really appreciate.

The museum of art fraud?

What is it,
a bunch of bogus paintings?

Stop in renburg.
Have a look.

You'll find it very, uh,
thought-provoking.

450 miles to danver,

quarter of a tank
of gas,

and no money.

Well, when Columbus
set sail,

he didn't know
if he'd have any wind.

Stop.

Help, stop, please.
Stop.

Jesus, lady,
what are you doing?

Help me, please.

My son took my car
and ran off.

In think he's in banton.

Will you take me there?

Look, I'm sorry,
but I'm not going that way.

I'll pay you.

$53 dollars,
that's all I have.

Just take me
to Benton.

Help me find
my son, please.

You need money;
She shows up.

Coincidence?

All right, lady,
hop in.

I'll take you.

Oh, thank you.

I'll hop out.

You're getting in tune
with the highway.

Say, this important?

Good luck,
Neal.

Hey, wait a minute.

Am I going
to see you again?

Always wanting an answer.

Well, maybe you'll find it
in banton.

I'll pay you the rest
when we find Philip.

Oh, I'm Susan Ross.

Neal Oliver.

So how old's Philip,
Susan?

16.

He's my baby.

He's all I have.

He's run away before,

but he's always
come back.

God, I am so scared.

What if I never find him?

Well, did you call
the police?

They said I should look
in banton.

It's not like I've been
a bad mother.

It's just so hard
when you're all alone.

We're going to find him, Susan.

Okay?

We'll find him.

It is illegal to sell, consume,
or transport euphoria

beyond the city limits
under penalty of law.

Be warned,
it is highly addictive,

even in small doses.

Withdrawal from euphoria

has been known to cause injury
and death.

All responsible citizens
are urged to avoid this drug

at all costs

and stay
in the euphoria-free zones.

Euphoria is legal in banton

and is distributed within
the banton city limits.

However...

What kind of town
is this?

Illegal to sell, consume...

Maybe we should talk
to the police.

Move along.

Go on through.

A 16-year-old in a town
with legal drugs and a rave?

I'm sorry, but I don't think
he's going to be at the library.

♪ ♪

The next bus to the rave
is leaving in five minutes.

The next bus to the rave
is leaving in five minutes.

♪ ♪

Okay.

First timers?

Are you aware that euphoria
is being distributed inside,

that it is a dangerous
and addictive substance,

and that you are strongly
advised not to partake of it?

Well, how could
we not be?

Go on.

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want
to go to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want
to suck to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪

♪ When you want to come. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want
to go to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want
to suck to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪ ♪

You need this.

No thanks.

♪ ♪

Don't be stupid.

This is the answer.

It's the everything.

And you really need it.

Come on,
you could be so happy.

Life could be
so good.

Susan.

Susan,
he's over here.

Philip.

Oh, thank god we found you.

Please,
let's go home.

Chill, ma.
I am home.

See this?

This is the place,
the happiest place on earth.

You can't stay here.

You have
to come home.

Fuck off.

Who's this?

New stud boyfriend?

You sure can
pick 'em.

You've got school.

Fuck school.

I've got euphoria.

Here, try some, ma.

It's the best.

Philip, you can't
stay here.

Yo, I'm legal age here.

I can do
anything I want,

and I want euphoria.

You stole my car.

It's in
the impound yard.

Take it.

I don't want it.

I don't need it.

Philip, you take me there.

Go away!

Leave me alone.

Hey, what's the matter
with you?

What's going on here?

Hey, now, break it up.

Philip!

Outside.
You're out of here.

Philip, please come home!

The fact is, ma'am,

here your son's
of legal age.

If he wants to stay,
he can't be forced to leave.

And he wants to stay.

Well, they all do.

They're addicts.

But he's just a boy.

He didn't know
what he was doing.

Oh, no, no,
he knew.

They all knew.

That's why there's those
warnings posted all over town.

Yeah, but if this drug is
so addictive, why is it legal?

Son, this town had
a serious drug problem

and all the problems
that go along with it.

We tried everything:

Punishment for dealing,
punishment for using,

more enforcement,
tougher enforcement,

jail,
hell, public humiliation.

But it all came down
to one thing.

Some folks just want
to get high.

So we came up
with a radical solution:

Euphoria.

Synthetic drug.

Potent, legal,
and totally addictive,

and we warn everyone
not to use it.

But like I said,

some folks
just want to get high.

One hit of this,
and they were hooked,

and we owned them.

Town controlled the supply,

so of course we could
set the price,

and we made it
very affordable.

Live in our camps,

eat our food,

you know, just do
a couple odd jobs--

pick up some trash,
mow the lawn,

clean some toilets--

and you get your euphoria.

And at night, man,

party till you drop.

Withdrawal's so intense

that everybody
pays the price.

It's an incredible achievement,
really.

Drug so powerful
it sublimates the sex drive.

Do you know how many rapes
we had here last year?

None.

Are you saying

Philip's going to be cleaning
toilets for the rest of his life

with no sex drive?

He'll never marry?

I'll never have grandchildren?

It's ironic, isn't it?

Americans fought a war
for freedom,

another one to end slavery.

So what do some of them choose
to do with their freedom?

Become slaves.

Well.

But they're
human beings.

I mean, they have rights.

They didn't know what

they'd be
giving up.

They made
a choice.

But look at them.

They seem

miserable to you?

They live a simple,
happy life--

no decisions,
no responsibilities.

Uh-uh.

No problems.

They found their answer.

You so sure that your life
is better than theirs?

It's like they're animals.

Well, yeah, we're all animals.

It's just that some of us

have different priorities,
that's all.

Whatever your priorities are,

banton is
a real nice place to live.

No.

It's a nightmare.

Please, I want my son back.

I'll do anything.

All right, ma'am.

Now, it comes down
to three choices.

One, you move here
to the euphoria-free zone,

and that way, at least you get
a chance to see him.

Hell, some parents end up having
their kids work for them.

Kind of a perverse payback.

Two,

you go home.

Try to find something else
to make your life worthwhile.

Or three.

Join the party.

What should I do?

You're smart.

Tell me what to do.

I don't know.

I guess if it was me,

I'd--I'd want to see
my boy.

But he doesn't want
to see me.

Oh, my god.

It's wonderful.

I feel so beautiful.

I never knew I could be so

happy.

Well, how about you, son?

Do you want some?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

No thanks.

I'll pass.

Ives here.

Got a rookie in my office,

and I short-shifted
the cleaning gal again.

Send a zookeeper.

Well,

guess you're going to need

a motel room
for the night, eh?

Plus, you get
a $300 finder's fee.

Finder's fee?

Yeah, for her.

Oh.

You just increased
our labor pool.

We pay for that
around here.

What's the matter, son?

Somebody offers you
an advantage,

take it.

I took the room
but not the money.

I couldn't.

And even then,
I didn't sleep very well.

I never got the rest
of the 53 bucks,

but given the dynamics
of interstate 60,

I wasn't concerned.

I knew something
would be just down the road.

It was inevitable.

What did concern me was whether
something else was inevitable.

8-ball, should I be worried
about this killer?

Glug

well, can you be more specific?

Glug

figures.

The inevitable
something down the road

was 20 miles ahead,

and he was quite a character.

So what's
the deal here, mister?

Say hello to Mary Anne
for me.

Hey, Bob Cody.

I don't drive,

and I don't like
to hitchhike.

When I hitchhike,
I'm at the mercy of the driver,

but when I pay for the ride,
I'm the employer,

and I call the shots.

That's how I like it.

So you want
to work for me?

Well, I'm going
to danver.

I wouldn't mind
making some money.

Good.

I'm going to renburg.

It's on your way.

Here's my proposition.

You pay for gas,
pay for your meals.

No alcohol
while you're on payroll.

I pick the radio stations.

I initiate
all conversations.

I'll pay you $10 cash
every hour,

and the mileage money
when we get to renburg.

In all other matters,

you play straight
with me,

I'll play straight
with you.

So do we have a contract?

We have a contract.

So who's
my new employee?

Neal Oliver.

Mr. Oliver,
you may call me "Mr. Cody"

or "sir."

You got it, sir.

He was going to renburg;

the museum of art fraud
was in renburg.

Coincidence?

I knew then that I'd have
to check out that museum.

It was inevitable.

Mr. Cody had rather unique
tastes in audio stimulation.

The choice is clear.

The arion 620:
The American-made car

for American-made
drivers.

That's a lie.

Arion engines

are made in Japan.

Kill signal, the movie
everyone's talking about,

from weber films.

That's another lie.

We're not talking
about it.

We're the United States
post office,

and we care.

Oh!

That's the biggest whopper
of all.

You know, sometimes only
the chairman'll do.

♪ I get no kick
from champagne. ♪

Now, there's an ad
I just can't figure.

Now, what's warmer?

The weather, the water,
the girl?

She's pretty, though.

Robin fields.

She's gorgeous.

Sir.

What, you know her?

Not yet.

I'm meeting her
in danver.

You're a lucky man.

Yeah, you know,
to be honest,

I'm a little nervous
about it,

'cause, you know, what am I
going to say?

I mean, how do you start
a conversation

with the girl
of your dreams

without coming off
like a total dork?

Don't say anything.

Let her start it.

That's--that's a good idea.

Yeah, just sit back,

listen to the sweet,
musical tones of her voice.

Son, you got it bad.

Yes, sir, I do.

♪ I get a kick
out of you. ♪ ♪

Now, there's a sign that's
telling the truth for a change.

Yep, looks like
a motel to me.

No, "frontier."

Every hear of Frederick Turner,
Mr. Oliver?

No, sir.

Well, he was
an historian.

About 100 years ago,

he came up with a theory
about the frontier,

said the frontier was
a safety valve for civilization,

a place for people to go
to keep from going mad.

So whenever there were folks

who couldn't fit in
with the way things were,

nuts and malcontents
and extremists,

they'd pack up and head
for the frontier.

That's how America
got started.

All the crackpots
and troublemakers in Europe

packed up and went
to a frontier

which became
the 13 colonies.

When some people
couldn't fit in with that,

they moved father west,

which is why all the nuts

eventually ended up
in California.

Turner died

in 1932,
so he wasn't around

long enough to see
what would happen to the world

when we ran out
of frontier.

You know, some people say we
have the frontier of the mind,

and they go off and explore
the wonderful world

of alcohol and drugs,

but that's no frontier.

It's just another way
for us to fool ourselves.

And we've created this phony
frontier with computers,

which allows people to,
you know, think they've escaped.

Frontier with access fees?

What about space?

You know,
the final frontier?

Well, Star Trek
isn't space.

That's television--

fine fucking frontier
that is.

And besides, how many folks
can just pack up

and go to space?

No, the frontier
is right here.

Interstate 60.

That's why
it was put here:

To give people who wanted
something a little different

a place to go.

Is that really true,
Mr. Cody?

If it isn't, it should be.

Excuse me.

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Uh, can you
help me out, mister?

"Will work for food,"
hey?

Okay.

Here's an apple,
food.

Now, I'd like for you to wash
that man's windshield.

Work.

Hey, man, I ain't going
to wash his windshield

for no apple.

Well, excuse me.

That doesn't say,
"might work for food."

It doesn't say,
"restricted menu."

It says,
"will work for food."

This is food;
That's work.

What's the problem?

Hey, I ain't doin' it,
that's all.

All right,
let's be honest.

You don't want to work.

You just want a handout
so you can buy booze,

and nothing wrong
with that.

Drinking, that's a great
human tradition.

And if you'd been straight
about it,

I'd have bought you
some chivas,

but by holding up
that sign,

you made
an employment agreement

which I intend
to hold you to.

Now, here's the apple.

You wash that car.

Fuck you, man.

You know, I don't want
your fucking apple,

so I don't got to wash
that fucking car.

You know, here's what I think
of your fucking apple.

Fump!

Well, now, since you took
my food,

you gotta wash that car.

Wash it.

Hey, Mr. Cody, this is really
not that important.

Yes, it is.

There's jerks out here
lying in writing.

I don't tolerate lying
from anyone,

especially not
in writing.

You, wash the damn car.

You shut the fuck up,
or I'm going to cut you.

Hey.

Y'all don't
get out of here,

I'm going to call
the sheriff.

Well, I wouldn't
do that.

You see, I got lung cancer.

I'm terminal,
six months to live.

Only I'm not going out
in a hospital.

Oh, shit.
That's dynamite.

Enough to take out
everything

in a radius of 150 yards.

I don't give two farts
and a Martini

if I go now or later,

but if you do,
you better wash that car.

Click!

Okay, okay, mister.

I'll clean it
for you.
No.

He's got to do it.

Are you nuts?
Wash!

Clean it.

Wash the car!

Come on!

Okay, okay,
I'll wash it,
all right?

Turn it off.

I'll wash the car.

You ought to call
the sheriff

and have that guy
shot through the head.

He's crazy.

I got a much simpler
solution.

Goddamn son of a...

♪ Grab your coat
and snatch your hat. ♪

♪ Leave your worries
on the doorstep. ♪

♪ Just direct your feet ♪

♪ to the sunny side
of the street. ♪ ♪

Say what you mean;
Mean what you say.

You know, if everybody
followed that rule,

there'd be
a lot less trouble.

Now, we still have
a contract, Mr. Oliver.

I sure hope you're not thinking
of breaking that contract.

Thinking about it?

Yes.

Doing it?

No, sir.

That's a very honest
response.

That's a breath
of fresh air.

Cigarette?

No thank you, sir.

I don't smoke.

I like cigarettes.

Package says
they cause cancer,

and they do.

Say what you mean;
Mean what you say.

Boy, if it wasn't
for cigarettes,

I don't know
where I'd be today.

Yeah, I used to be
in advertising.

I got paid
for lying.

Then one day,
a little boy died

because of one of those lies.

Boy, that fried me.

So when I got
my nicotine death sentence,

I decided to make
the rest of my time count,

put an end
to some of those lies.

Now for the first time
in my life,

I'm fulfilled.

I'm content.

Lung cancer--

it's not without
its benefits.

I couldn't decide
if he was for real or bluffing,

totally sane
or completely nuts.

Maybe the dynamite was fake,
or the detonator was.

Or maybe not.

As Grant would say,

lots of answers,
all of them reasonable.

I did know
that I liked him.

That was for sure.

♪ Sunny side of the street. ♪ ♪

Mr. Oliver,

you're one of the best employees
I've ever had.

I'm giving you a tip

and my card.

You ever want to work
for me again,

you call that number.

It's my direct line.

Good luck
with that girl.

Thank you, sir.

The museum of art fraud
was only three blocks away.

That interstate 60 dynamic
was clearly at work again,

and my own curiosity
was definitely piqued.

Oh, you must be
Douglas.

Oh, thank goodness.

I'm so glad to see you.

I didn't think
you were coming.

I mean, the agency
called to cancel.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.

I'm Mrs. James,
the owner.

Hi, Mrs. James.
I--

and they are viewing
the originals right now,

and I know
you're confused,

but if you do
what I say,

I will give you $100.

The late Mr. James
was most proud

of the five original
masterpieces in this room,

rarely seen

and, per his wishes,
never photographed.

Monet,

cezanne,

Van gogh,

renoir,

degas.

Each is valued
in the millions.

No less than Bill Gates
and Warren buffett

have attempted
to buy them.

Of course,
they're not for sale.

Now, we can proceed this way.

Now, take the paintings down
very carefully.

Remove them
from the frames,

and then after that,

put them on the easels
out here.

Today you're going to be
my nephew Edward.

Now, just follow my lead
and go with the flow.

Okay.

This way, please.

Welcome, ladies
and gentlemen.

Welcome to our gallery

of affordable
reproductions.

It was my late husband's
request

that none of his five
original masterpieces ever

be photographed or reproduced
in any book or catalog,

so we offer
these copies

rendered by my nephew,

Edward,

at the modest cost
of $350 apiece.

And if you have
any questions,

please don't hesitate to ask
either one of us.

How long did it take you
to do them?

How long?

Uh, I knocked them all out
in a week.

I can tell.

Some of your brushwork

is rather uneven.

Well, you get
what you pay for.

It's decent craftsmanship,

perhaps a little slick.

Lacks the artist's soul.

Yeah, but i'm
just an amateur.

It's shameful.

Cezanne would roll over
in his grave

to see such a mockery
of his work.

Well, let's be glad
for both of our sakes

that he won't see it.

Well, you've heard it
from the experts.

You have no talent
whatsoever.

Well, I've never been
more flattered.

Hmm.

My late husband's desire

was that his masterpieces
be owned

by people who would
enjoy them,

not trophy collectors.

Thus, our charade.

But do you know,
in eight years,

I have yet to sell
a painting?

Why don't you donate them
to an art museum?

Oh, upon my death,

clones of them
will be donated.

Clones?

Oscar was
an art collector,

dealer,
technical genius,

and a practical joker

and wealthy enough
to indulge

in his most
outrageous whims.

He developed
a process

whereby he could
duplicate a painting

almost on a molecular level.

He would borrow a great master
from a museum

and duplicate it

and often send back
the copy,

and he was never
found out.

A starry night,
the original.

The one in New York
is a clone.

This monet,

the art world thinks

that the original
is in Paris.

Unbelievable.

So they're all originals?

So what does one do

with a collection
like this?

You tell everyone
they're fakes.

Good, huh?

And so just before
he died,

Oscar created this,
the museum of art fraud.

The world's greatest
art museum,

masquerading as
a cheap tourist attraction.

Oh, my god,
that's--

my husband,

Oscar Warren James.

Of course.

Of course.

I must say I was feeling
pretty damn good.

Hell, I was feeling inspired.

I wanted to deliver
the package,

and then I wanted
to go out and paint,

and I wished
I could go back in time

and enter a piece
in the Conrad competition.

But I'd had my one wish,

and I couldn't look back.

Hot and cool.

Hot and cool.

I'm getting warmer;
I'm getting colder.

Of course.

8-ball,

that girl's not in danver,

and her name's not Robin,
is it?

Glug

well, is she in morlaw?

Glug

okay, so if I go there,
will I find her?

So there it was,

the proverbial fork
in the road.

My job, the word I'd given,
the contract I'd signed

versus the lovely Lynn,
the girl of my dreams,

her musical voice in my head
leading me--

where?

So what did I do?

I did what any self-respecting
hopeless romantic would do.

I rationalized.

Five days

to go 158 miles.

I got time to chase a dream,
right, 8-ball?

Good answer.

Proceed to 459 maple.

Investigate complaint
regarding papers

over resident's property line.

Driver's license.

What did I do, officer?

Nothing.

You're served.

You're being sued
by Mr. J.J. Madison

for your responsibility
in the hit-and-run death

of his pet cat,
snickers,

three weeks ago
in front of the courthouse.

But I've never been here before.

I was in St. Louis
three weeks ago.

Tell it to the judge.

I'm just process serving.

Meanwhile, I suggest
you head into town

and hire yourself
a lawyer.

But first, park your car

in that lot over there
by the lake.

You could get sued
for polluting the air.

Hey, see you in court,
Gerald.

Lawyer, mister?
I'm real good.

Stanford,

class of '88,
summa cum laude.

But more important,
I know the angles.

Buddy, buddy, buddy,
listen.

We're going to set up
a dummy corporation

for you to protect
your assets.

You don't need
a lawyer.

You need
a good lawyer.

Hey, hey, hey!

H. Macklin park
is the name.

That's the only name
you need to remember.

Not interested.

Valerie McCabe,
Yale '91.

I've got a special rate
for visitors,

and I know I can win
your case.

You don't even know
my case.

The Madison case?

Nuisance suit--

happens to visitors
all the time.

Fact is, j.J. Madison
doesn't even have a cat.

He's allergic.

I could have it thrown out
in no time.

Wait, he never had a cat?

So why's he going
to sue somebody for it?

Because he can.

What?

Every adult citizen of morlaw
is a lawyer,

so everybody sues
everybody else.

It doesn't matter
if there's a cause.

It's how we ensure everyone
makes a living

off their profession.

Yeah, but that's insane.

I could sue you
for that.

You just made
a defamatory remark.

Hey, are you looking
at my legs?

I could sue you for that too,
sexual harassment.

Is there anything
you can't sue me for?

Hire me.

That way everything
between us

is subject to
attorney-client privilege.

I'm $75 an hour.

First hour's free.

Well, at least
you know my case.

All right, you're hired.

Hey, hey!

I'm suing you,
Valerie.

I'm su--no, no, no.

For the sexual enticement
or the appearance thereof

of a potential client
on a public thoroughfare.

He only hired you because he
found you sexually attractive.

Hurry, my office.

We could get slapped
with a dozen more lawsuits

just walking
down the street.

This'll be a cinch.

Shouldn't take more
than a couple weeks.

Whoa. Weeks?

No, no, no, no, no.

I have to be in danver
on October 2nd.

It can't take that long.

That's not long.

Long is our city limits sign.

We've been trying to get a new
one put up for five years now,

but we forgot to file
an environmental impact report.

And as the metal
in the signpost

is a potentially
hazardous substance,

we're in court over that.

And another lawyer's
challenging

the census figure
on the sign,

and another lawyer said
we had to do a new land survey

to determine
the exact city limits

so we'll know precisely
where to put the sign.

So we brought in a surveyor,

but he got sued
for smoking

and was enjoined
from finishing the survey.

I'd say we're at least two years
from a new sign.

And you choose to live here?

I wouldn't live
anywhere else.

Every day is a new challenge,

a new precedent,

a new way of interpreting
the law.

It's an intellectual feast.

Okay.

So if everyone who lives here
is a lawyer,

how do you live?

I mean, who runs
the grocery store?

Who does
your dry-cleaning?

Who fixes the shitter
when it breaks?

Well, we all moonlight
on the law-related jobs.

You know, police, bailiffs,
court reporters.

But those other, trivial things
you mentioned?

They're done
by people like you

awaiting trial.

It's the only way they can
afford their legal fees.

Now, I can get you a hearing
for Monday, October 1st.

Meanwhile, we'll have
to call witnesses

to testify as
to your character--

you know, family,
friends--

so that you can qualify
for your employment program.

It'll help
keep costs down.

So get me their names and
numbers, and I'll subpoena them.

Well, even if they could
get here,

wouldn't they get sued too?

Of course,

but you'll indemnify them,

and their problems will fall
on your shoulders,

which means more work
for me.

Hmm.

Okay, well, I have
those phone numbers.

They're in my car.

I'm going
to go get them,

and I'm going to make
a few calls

and be right back.

No, you won't.

Fred, Mr. Oliver's
a potential fugitive.

Lock him up.

Lock me up?

Of course.

We lawyers have to

protect our livelihood.

Wait; You can't do this
to me.

I have rights.

I know you do, sweetie.

I'm here to protect them.

I couldn't even blame
the 8-ball.

It said a meeting was possible.

Yeah, right.

A meteor wiping out morlaw
was possible too,

probably more possible
than ever meeting Lynn.

Hey!

Hey, Lynn.

Hey, Lynn!

Over here.

Up here, up here.

I'm going to get you out.

I'm going to get you out.

In order to get her out,
I had to get me out.

A jailbreak
was clearly not happening.

Ditto for a tunnel job.

I needed an answer,
and my 8-ball was in the car.

Damn it.

There had to be a way to blow
this whole thing wide open.

And then I knew.

My lawyer needed
a character witness,

but I needed a witness
who was a character.

Please state your name
and occupation.

Robert Wilson Cody.

I'm what you might call
an ax-grinder.

Mr. Cody,

please tell the court
how you know the defendant.

He was my employee.

And how would you
characterize him?

Honest,

trustworthy,
intelligent.

Ask him if he's aware

that the charge
against me is a lie

and that everyone here
knows it.

Immaterial.

He can only testify
as to character.

Just ask him.

The judge
will rule it immaterial.

You ask him,
or I'll fire you.

Mr. Cody,

are you aware that the charge
against Mr. Oliver is not only

a complete lie,

but that the judge,
the plaintiff,

and every citizen
here know it?

Immaterial.

Nothing to do with
the character of the accused.

Sustained.

Wait a minute, miss.

This is
a trumped-up charge,

and you're all in on it?

Immaterial.

The witness is ordered
to ignore the question.

Well, I'm not going

to ignore it,
your honor.

If what she says is true,

it's a very serious matter.

Well, serious or not,

it's immaterial
to this hearing.

Next question.

Whoa, judge.

I asked her
a question,

and I want
an answer.

You don't ask the questions
here, Mr. Cody.

You answer them,

and if you don't do
what I tell you to do,

I will hold you
in contempt.

Hey, I'm not answering
any more questions

until somebody answers mine.

Why don't you
tell me, judge,

are you in on a lie here?

I fine you $500
for contempt.

Rap!

Answer my goddamn question,
judge.

$1,000

and 90 days
in jail.

Bailiff, sergeant,

put Mr. Cody
in a cell.

Whoa.

Hold the phone, boys.

Now, this is
dynamite.

We'll all go out with a bang
if anyone takes

another step
toward me.

Gentlemen,
just drop your guns.

Everyone else,
stay seated.

Judge,

stick your finger
up your nose.

I'm not kidding.

I'm terminally ill,

and I'll gladly take y'all
with me

to hell right now!

Judge, I said
stick your finger

up your nose.

Better do it, judge.

He says what he means.

He means what he says.

I'm glad we understand
who's in charge now.

So, judge,

this whole deal was a lie.

Is that right?

Keep that finger
in your nose.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Show of hands.

Now, how many here
knew this thing

was a railroad job
against Mr. Oliver?

Liars.

Lawyers.

Mr. Oliver,

how do we teach these liars
a lesson?

Now, read it,
judge.

"By this order,

"all legal actions, charges,
fines, and fees

"against any noncitizen
of morlaw

"in any matter pending
before any morlaw court

"are hereby dismissed,

and I declare
an unconditional amnesty."

Thank you.

Bailiff,

make a few hundred
copies of that,

and post it
all over town.

You know, this is
an interesting town.

I think I might
just stay here.

You got a problem
with that, judge?

No.

No problem, sir.

♪ ♪

Lynn?

Hi.

I'm Neal.

I'm the guy
who got you out.

Yo, pleased to fuckin'
meet you, Neal.

Man, I been so fucked up
in here for so long,

I t'ought I was never
gettin' da fuck out.

Yo, bitch,

I want back
my fucking clothes

you cocksuckers
confiscated.

I sure the fuck ain't wearing
this ugly shit no more.

Hey, handsome.

What you lookin' at me
like dat for?

I-I just didn't expect you
to talk that way.

What?

Sum'in wrong with the way
I fucking talk?

No, no.
No, no, no, no.

I just--

I mean, yes.

Yes.

You make Mike Tyson sound
like an Oxford graduate.

What are you, like,
fucking dissin' me?

You, like, saying I never went
to fucking school or sum'in?

No, i--yes.

That's exactly what
I'm saying.

Don't worry.

It's just an act.

Well, it's sort of
a test.

See, guys are always so eager
to score points with me,

they'll be like,
"oh, no, Lynn,

no, the way you talk
is charming."

Yeah, unique,
refreshing,

a breath of fresh air,
yeah.

Air from a sewer
is more like it.

Me, I would never go out
with somebody

who talked like that.

I'm glad
you wouldn't either.

I hope you have a car.

I had to sell mine
to pay my legal fees.

Uh, oh, I-I have a car.

So how many guys
have told you

that you sound cheap?

You're the first.

You know, you're better-looking
than I expected.

Ditto.

Wait a minute;
You were expecting me?

Of course.

That's how the stories
always go.

The handsome prince rescues
Princess from the dungeon.

That was the point
of the messages.

The messages?

The billboards.

My last name is linden,
by the way.

See, I knew somebody
would figure it out eventually.

At least that's
what he told me.

Who?

O.W. Grant.

See, I made a wish
to meet the right guy,

although if I'd have known

I'd have to spend a year
in jail waiting,

maybe I wouldn't have.

Anyway, the prince has
to undergo tests and challenges

so that the Princess will be
convinced that he's worthy,

and you passed mine.

So what's yours?

What, my test?

Come on, everybody has
a simpatico test.

Do you cut your grapefruit
in half or peel it?

Me, I peel it.

Spider-man.

Thin- or thick-crust pizza?

I go for thin
every time.

We're three for three.

Like, I can't believe--

okay, close encounters.

I'd get on the ship,
no question.

What's wrong?

This is just--
it's all too perfect.

I mean, you know,
you are this--

you know when something seems
too good to be true?

Hold that thought.

Phew.

Whoo.

You see?

I'm not that perfect.

Right, right,

well, I feel
much better now.

Ditto.

So you actually wished
for Mr. Right?

What can I say?

I'm human.

Humans have certain needs,
like companionship.

And you,
did you wish for me?

Uh, well,
actually I wished for this.

It gives me answers.

But are they

the right answers?

So far.

Whoa.

These were
your billboards.

Obviously.

I don't need them anymore.

Maybe it's time
for the, you know,

happily-ever-after part.

Well, not quite.

I still have a job
to finish--

tomorrow, October 2nd,
in danver.

Danver?

What's wrong?

Grant gave me
an envelope.

He said if anyone
was ever going to danver,

I should open it.

I don't know if this message
is for me or you.

Neal, don't go.

I-I gave my word
to this guy

that I'd deliver
this package.

I have to.

8-ball, should I go
to danver?

Glug

Are you serious?

I'm serious.

You mean you didn't sleep
at all?

Nope, I couldn't.

I was possessed
by the muse.

I love it.

You're not just saying that?

No.

It's got soul,

passion.

Wow.

Take me with you.

What about the letter?

Screw it;
I want to go with you.

8-ball, should I take Lynn
with me to danver?

Glug

"bad idea."

Is that because
it's dangerous?

Glug

the killer, does it have to do
with the killer?

Glug

I don't care
if it's dangerous

or what this thing says.

I still want
to go with you.

No, Lynn.

It would make me crazy.

I'm not going to risk
losing you,

not after
just finding you.

What if I lose you?

Lynn, you can't go.

The ball's never wrong.

Now, I'll come back;
I promise.

8-ball, I will come back
for her, won't I?

Yes.

You will come back
for me.

Glug

♪ ♪

What am I, nuts?

The girl of my dreams,

and I leave her behind
because of this stupid toy?

What's up, officer?

Just got word there's
a killer in the area.

Orders are
to close the road.

What's this killer look like?

Coming over
the radio now.

Murder suspect
is white, male,

last seen driving
a red b.M.W. Convertible

along interstate 60.

This vehicle has white paint
splattered on the trunk lid.

You best turn around, son.

It's not safe
for you here.

It was ten miles before my heart
rate was back into double digits

and I could think straight.

Then I realized.

8-ball, is Lynn in danger
from this killer?

Glug

Cellular service
is not available in this area.

Beamers suck!

Jeeps rule!

Splat!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Damn punks
and their paint again.

I'm calling
the sheriff.

Here, watch where they go.

Oh, wait, oh, no, no.

Please don't call
the sheriff.

The hell I won't!

I'm sick of those punks
making trouble around here.

Hey!

Come back with my binoculars.

Oh, fuck.

8-ball, am I the killer?

Glug

latest reports indicate

the suspect is carrying
the murder weapon

in a square box wrapped
in brown paper.

Once again, the suspect is
carrying the murder weapon...

Oh, no.

Shit!

Oh, shit.

8-ball, is the murder weapon
in this box?

Glug

should I open it?

Glug

Shit!

If it is a murder weapon,

I'm going to get my fingerprints
all over it.

8-ball, I really need
an answer right now.

What should I do?

Glug

damn you!

Yes or no questions,
yes or no.

Okay, come on, Neal.

Think.

Be logical.

He called the cops,

so whichever
way they're coming,

I gotta go the opposite way.

Well, it's got to be
one way or the other.

Right, 8-ball?

I mean, I got two choices here,

so it's got to be
one or the other, right?

Glug

"take it to the bank"?

Sorry, dad.

Nope.

There is another choice.

Sheriffs and police
of two counties

have closed off interstate 60
in both directions

with the intent of boxing in
the suspect,

who was last seen driving
a red b.M.W. Convertible

with white paint splattered
on the trunk lid.

I knew this wasn't
my kind of car.

♪ ♪

What were the chances?

What were the chances
that the killer

would be in a car
just like mine,

and I'd get white paint
on mine

just like his?

Now, Grant would say
it was inevitable,

that at least once
in an infinite universe,

events would happen that way,
and this was that time.

But Grant had also said,
on this highway,

the past and the future
and the what-ifs and the maybes

could all get jumbled up.

So I had to see
for myself.

Hey.

Get away from there.

Who was he?

They say he was some law student
from St. Louis--

went nuts
and killed his old man.

I love this highway.

8-ball, I got
a lot of questions.

Was that guy in the car--

what the hell
am I asking you for?

Clank!

Hello?

Uh, Robin fields?

Is anybody here?

I'm here.

Ray?

The delivery's for you?

Oh, no, no, no.

I wouldn't hire you to deliver
a package to myself.

It's for my cousin.

Here he is now.

Robin fields.

Oh, one of
my many pseudonyms.

You're cousins?

You sat in my car
with your own package.

Why didn't you take it?

Well, you made a deal,

and what kind of guy
would I be

if I caused you to violate
your blood oath?

And besides,
it's the fact that

you lost
all your money

and you went
to jail,

you left your girl
and ditched your car

all to bring this
to me

makes it
far more valuable.

Now it has stories

to go with it.

Well?

Don't you want to know
what's inside?

I-I did before,

but it doesn't really
matter now,

'cause whatever it is

won't be as good
as the stories.

Well, seeing as you
understand that,

I'll open it.

Yep.

You're not going to light it?

I don't need to.

Thud!

Dr. Pfeiffer, call 466.

Dr. Pfeiffer,
call 466.

So how's that new car?

Awesome?

Dad?
Huh?

What's my favorite color?

Uh, blue.

Why would you buy me
a red beamer?

Uh--

red's a great color,
especially for a convertible.

You know, my b.M.W.S
have always been

a great source of joy to me,
so I just thought--

happy birthday, dad.

In the future,
if you want to buy me a gift,

buy me something I want,
not something you want.

Son, it's a gift,

and if you don't
accept it,

I will take it
as a personal insult.

Well, in that case,
we're even,

because I consider
the gift itself

an insult to me
and to who I am.

How would you like it
if I bought you

an easel and a paint box
for your birthday?

I-I never thought of it
that way.

Perhaps I could have given it
a little more thought.

Thank you, dad.

Apology accepted.

Now, the Bradford thing?

I'm not going there,

'cause I'm not going
to law school.

But, son--
no buts, dad.

This is your life.
You made it.

It works for you.

I gotta find something
that works for me.

I'm sorry
if you don't approve,

but you can take that
to the bank.

Well, I don't approve,

and it's time you faced
the truth about your art.

It's mediocre.

Look--
Neal.

Great news.

That piece you entered
in the Conrad competition?

There's a very interested buyer
who wants to talk

to you about it
right now.

Come on,
I'll take you.

Oh, and, dad,
that thing?

It's crap.

You got ripped off.

And it's upside-down.

I must be
getting Alzheimer's.

I don't remember
entering anything

in the Conrad competition.

You left it at the motel.

I took the Liberty
of entering it

for you.

Thank you.

Mr.--
oh, Conrad.

Oh, you're welcome,
Mr. Oliver.

You're Neal Oliver.

I just love
your painting.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I just got this major deja vu
about you.

No, no, no, no, no, it's okay.

I did too.

Big time.

I, uh,
I just love this.

It's got soul,
passion.

I'm--
Lynn linden.

Yeah, I know.

I'm with
danver publishing.

We do prints, posters,
and art books.

Uh-huh?

And this may be
a little presumptuous of me,

but would you consider
doing a series

of motels, cafes,
gas stations,

all in this style?

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

My brother's
really talented.

Oh, he's going
to be fine,

just fine.

He's got
a great future ahead.

They both do.

Say,

you have a birthday
coming up, don't you?

How'd you know that?

Don't forget to make a wish.

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♪ I lean back
and take my time, ♪

♪ crossing population signs. ♪

♪ I drive until
I can't see you no more. ♪

♪ Down the coast,
I stop to eat. ♪

♪ Electric leather
bucket seats. ♪

♪ I throw a passing seagull
my last fry. ♪

♪ There's a thousand things
in the world ♪

♪ I've already seen. ♪

♪ There's a thousand places
to go ♪

♪ I've already been. ♪

♪ And there's a thousand places
to hang ♪

♪ if that is your scene. ♪

♪ But I don't want
to wake it ♪

♪ if the only one here
is me. ♪

♪ I got everything I want
in the world, ♪

♪ I got everything I want
in the world, ♪

♪ I've got everything I want
in the world ♪

♪ except you. ♪

♪ I swallow
passion's bitter pill. ♪

♪ A thousand bugs
adorn my grille. ♪

♪ I drive until
I can't see you no more. ♪

♪ I jump the bridge
and clear the gap. ♪

♪ I spill my soda
in my lap. ♪

♪ And I can hear right now
just what you'd say. ♪

♪ There's a thousand things
up in space ♪

♪ floating around. ♪

♪ There's a thousand things
you can find ♪

♪ laying right
on the ground. ♪

♪ And there's a thousand things
you will hear ♪

♪ if you don't make
a sound. ♪

♪ Yeah, but I bet
my dirty dishes ♪

♪ that my wishes never leave
the ground. ♪

♪ I got everything I want
in the world, ♪

♪ I got everything I want
in the world, ♪

♪ I've got everything I want
in the world ♪

♪ except you. ♪ ♪

♪ ♪