All language subtitles for The Unspeakable Act (2012)

THE UNSPEAKABLE ACT

In the spring of 2011,

at the age of 18,

my brother Matthew got
his first real girlfriend.

I had somehow thought that
he and I had an unspoken agreement

that we belonged to each other.

Which was really pretty stupid of me.

- What do you need me to do?
- We're in good shape, I think.

- Aren't we, Jeanne? - We're fine.
- Oh, God.

I can't believe I'm actually expected
to cook dinner for this girl.

- Do you want to eat out? On me!
Anywhere in town! - What do you need?

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Let me think...

Do these need to be peeled?

- Yes, peeled and diced.
- Okay.

Yolanda, Mama.
Mama, Yolanda.

- It's lovely to meet you.
- Thank you for having me.

- Hi, I'm Jeanne.
- Hey. Yolanda.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.

Hi! I've heard so much about you!
- So have I.

- Do you know Shirley Chiang?
- Yes! She's one of my best friends!

- How do you know her?
- We went to Cunningham together,

before she moved.
I love her so much!

And we kept in touch all these years,

all because she's so good
at keeping up with her friends.

Oh, she's wonderful about those things!
I can't believe you know her!

- Yolanda, can I get you something to drink?
- Oh, no thanks, I'm fine.

- Would you like a tour of the house?
- Yeah, I would, thanks!

- So Shirley said that you work on the
school paper. - Yeah, we both do, actually.

Next year we're going
to be co-editors together.

- Everything's delicious.
- Yeah, this is excellent.

- It's really good.
- This sauce is amazing.

- Jeanne made that.
- Oh, did you? It's great.

- Thanks. Yeah, it came out okay.
- Could you excuse me for a second?

- Did you use oregano in it?
- Mm-hmm.

My brother is the cook in our family.

I don't know where he gets it from. Certainly
not my mom. She cooks as little as possible.

Really? Did she cook for you
when you were growing up?

Actually, my dad cooked more
when we were growing up.

My mom says women
were expected to cook

when she was growing up,
and she didn't want that kind of life.

Well, of course that's true,

but...when there's a family,
someone has to put food on the table.

Oh, no, I completely agree, but my mom...
she's got a mind of her own.

I mean, I love her, but she lives
her life the way she wants to live it.

- Are you coming upstairs?
- Okay. Give me a minute.

Yolanda's really nice.

Yeah, she's great.

I think I'm having some kind of breakdown.

I can't keep anything down.
And half the time I don't even want to eat.

And last night I woke up at two, and
I couldn't get to sleep the rest of the night.

Do I look okay?
Are there bags under my eyes?

No, you look fine.

Look.

- Did you sleep with her yet?
- No.

Will you tell me if you do?

Do you want to hear it?

Yes.

You have to tell me. Even if I freak out,
you have to tell me everything.

I won't be able to stand it
if we stop doing that.

Do you promise?

Okay.

- Does that make everything okay?
- No. Everything is terrible.

Do you really like her better than me?

I don't like anybody better than you.
But I barely know this girl.

I want to give it a chance.
I want to have sexual relationships.

Yeah, I know. You want to grow up and
you want to have mature, adult relationships,

not immature, stunted ones like ours.

Okay, well, I guess I'm going to bed.

You didn't quite make it.

Don't make fun of me. You're starting to make
fun of me all the time, and I don't like it.

I'm really upset, you know.

I don't want to...

I don't want to leave this room,
and I don't want to go back in,

and I can't just stand here
for the rest of my life!

Drama queen.

I'm going to get something to eat.
You want to come?

No. I can't eat now.

What am I going to do?

Go,

go get something to eat.
I'll be alright.

All right.

Are you writing anything about Yolanda?

Did you like her?
You two seemed to get along well.

She's really nice.

Mama, I don't want him
to have a girlfriend.

Yes you do.

You know you do.

Don't talk like that.

No, I really don't.

One of the funny things about
being in love with your brother

is that you can say almost anything
you want about him, to anyone you want.

Because no one wants to go there.

People will bend over backwards to put
the blandest possible interpretation

on whatever you say.

I'm not hungry.

- Hey.
- Hello, dear. - Hi.

Matthew did tell me
when he finally slept with Yolanda.

It was a horrible thing to hear.

But we always tell each other everything.

I've never slept with anyone.

Some of my friends have.

But I think I have a little longer
before I start to feel like a reject.

Long ago, Mama told me
a girl like me

would attract more boys
in college than in high school.

What I would like to try, actually,

is the unmentionable act.

The "I" word.

But that concept doesn't go over
so well with Matthew.

It's not that I'm pretty or anything,
but I think I could lure some guy if I tried.

I have no experience,
but I just think I could do it.

It's not high on my priority list right now.

It's always easy to get
the things you don't care about.

Mama is an extremely good writer.

The only thing she writes is her journal,
and letters.

But her language is amazing,
so strong and clear.

I wish she would try
to get something published.

But she has no ambition for that.

Mama writes long letters almost every day
to my older brother Will.

He's studying in Paris.

After he gets his degree there,
he'll go back to Berkeley.

Mama misses him so badly.

It's really hard for her,
his being away.

Will is great, but I don't miss him
like Mama does.

He changes the mood of the house
when he's around.

Everything revolves around him.

Not that he's bossy or anything,
but he's just got a strong personality.

When he's gone, we all loosen up,
go our separate ways.

I actually like it better like that.

Matthew and Will are really tight.

They talk all the time.

As long as I can remember,

Jeanne wanted to grow up as fast
as she could and become an adult.

You could tell that
she didn't like being a child.

She goes to community college.

She spends a lot of time
with her boyfriend Charles.

Who seems like a nice guy,
but we don't see that much of him.

One of these days, I expect that
Jeanne will leave home and not look back.

Our father died a few years
after I was born.

He was already separated
from Mama then.

Will remembers him,
but none of the rest of us do.

We all think that maybe
his death was drug-related.

Mama was addicted to drugs long ago.

It was probably around the same time.

We share everything in our family,
we're impossibly close,

but there are things in the past
that we don't know that much about.

They've been mentioned, they've been
explained, we can ask about them if we want,

but afterwards, we realize that the important
questions

somehow never get answered.

I can't get him off the phone. He's having a
serious conversation with the girlfriend.

Is it an argument?

I'll try to get him.

I'm not asking for that.

I'm not asking for anything.

I wish there was something reasonable
I could ask for.

Well,

I guess

that

covers it.

I know.

No, I don't want that.

I told you that I never said that.
I didn't say it and I don't think it.

Honestly.

No, I like that about you.
I wish I were more like that.

Yeah.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Have you heard?
Yolanda-Matt breakup?

No where did you hear?

Matthew not Matt

Helena's sis works with Y

OK Matthew

Nobody calls him Matt

Sorry

- Hi.
- Hello, dear.

Did you find what you needed
at the library?

Kind of. I'm just going to start writing
and see what happens.

Did you know Matthew
and Yolanda broke up?

Matthew told me.

When?

Last night.

- I gather from him that they weren't
terribly compatible. - What do you mean?

He said that he wasn't comfortable
with some of her behavior.

Really?

Yolanda is much more socially outgoing,

that's plain to see.

It was a problem for Matthew.

Did she make him jealous?

I don't know.

Yolanda seems like a perfectly nice,
sweet girl.

I'm sure she didn't do anything so awful.

Matthew...

can be a bit old-fashioned
when it comes to girls.

A little conservative, perhaps?

I think Matthew will be happier with a
quieter girl, someone a bit more like himself.

Hi.

So, were you planning on telling me
that you broke up?

- You found out already?
- Everyone in town knows except me.

I haven't even seen you since it happened.
You have good sources.

You talked to Mama about it.

Are you sad?

A little bit sad,
and a little bit relieved.

- Was she cruel to you?
- No, she wasn't cruel.

My theory is she didn't really want to be
in a relationship.

Her theory is different.

You'll get another girlfriend.

I hope so.

She's an interesting person.
I think you and she would get along.

I never want to see her again.

I got tickets for Yolanda and me to see
the Decemberists in Prospect Park.

The 14th.

Tony and a girl he's dating are going too.

- Do you want to come?
- Yes.

I don't really know a lot about
where our money comes from.

Mama has a trust fund somewhere.
And I used to think we lived on that,

but then she told us once
that it wasn't a large income.

We don't live extravagantly, but
we always seem to have enough for our needs.

Hi.

Busy?

No. I'm on a break.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm helping Sarah.
She wants to record a song she wrote.

What's your role?

- I'm just pressing the record button.
Stuff like that. - Moral support.

Yeah, for sure.

Want to meet me upstairs when you get back?
I want to talk about something.

Sure. Is it something serious?

No, it's no big deal.
I'll tell you about it later.

Okay.

- What are you doing?
- Finishing this Müller book. It's awesome.

- You have to read it when I'm done.
- Oh, great. Hurry up and finish it.

Okay. Have a good night.

Bye.

At night,
the house is ours.

Mama goes to bed early.

Jeanne putters around in her room.

I really don't know what she does in there,
but it seems to keep her busy.

Hang on a second.

What?

With the cigarettes.
I wanted to talk about that.

So listen.
I think we should stop smoking.

Really?

What do you think?

I don't know.

I feel bad that I got you started.

It's probably not
the smartest thing in the world.

Exactly.

Are you up for it?

Okay.

What about these?

I say we flush them.

Oh, we don't have to do that, do we?

Okay, maybe we should flush them.

I never smoked again after that night.

I'm sure Matthew hasn't either.

The summer is almost over.

I don't want it to go.

I wish I could stop it.

- Pick one.
- I can't pick just one.

Suppose you had to.
Suppose you were stranded on a desert island.

- Don DeLillo.
- DeLillo?

Over Pynchon?
Over David Foster Wallace?

You told me to pick one.
I like DeLillo.

- I mean, I like him too, but over Pynchon?
- Pynchon is great.

Why are you on my ass about this, when you put
a gun to my head and forced me to pick one?

Because you picked the wrong one!

Feel free to get in here
whenever you want.

- I'm just listening to the boy talk.
- What do you think, Jess?

You guys are just going
to have to settle this by yourselves.

There is nothing to settle here!
It is so obvious!

Oh, my God. Don't they look just
like boyfriend and girlfriend?

Don't you think they look like boyfriend and
girlfriend more than brother and sister?

Yeah.
So what are we doing next?

This is such a perfect night.

This is what
I wish life could always be like.

I know it's just a fantasy,
but it's very sweet.

Maybe it wouldn't be much fun
if it weren't a fantasy.

Well, we'll never know, will we?

Since when did you get so resigned
to your fate?

What makes you say that?

All my life I've known there's no solution.

I don't have any expectation
of us having a life together.

I never have.

I'm not talking about the unmentionable act.
I don't think that's such a big deal.

I think that's just a matter of logistics.

For an unmentionable act,
it gets mentioned a lot.

Oh, do I make you uncomfortable?

You'd be sad if I lost interest.

If the phase were over.
You'd feel abandoned.

No, I wouldn't.

It would really be a win-win situation
for you, you know.

What would be?

What we were talking about.

What can't be mentioned.

You could just drop it
and move on to an adult,

mature relationship whenever you were ready.
And I would totally accept it.

Yeah, I can just see you
totally accepting that.

Really and sincerely.
I wish you would take me seriously.

I take you very seriously.

Anyone who doesn't take you seriously
is making a big mistake.

There's something I don't ever remember
hearing you talk about.

In this fantasy,
the one with no expectations,

- are there children?
- No.

- Okay. I'm not sure exactly
where your limits are. - No.

Okay.

You certainly know how to kill the mood.

Sorry.

The Hennesseys were still living here in '97.

- No, I think they'd been gone a long time.
- No, because I remember listening to the song

"MMMbop" by Hanson in Katie
Hennessey's bedroom. And that was...

When I imagined Matthew leaving for college,

I always pictured a fall setting,

with leaves on the ground,
and everyone wearing jackets.

But Princeton had freshman orientation
before classes started,

and he was gone by the end of August,

when it was still summer.

The house isn't that much quieter
than it was before,

but now the quiet moments are awful.

I feel as if I'm not supposed
to be here anymore.

But I don't have anywhere else.

I decided to go away
at the same time as Matthew,

to visit my cousin Annie
and her husband Joe upstate.

But it was a funny time for a vacation.

Their kids were going back to school,
they were busy.

I came home after a weekend.

We text all the time.
We call a lot.

Email not so much.
It's kind of awful and depressing, somehow.

Facebook is fun sometimes.

Matthew still posts on some blogs,

and sometimes I spoof comments
to see if he can figure out that it's me.

Kind of pathetic.

The stacks are closed to the public,

but a sophomore girl who works
at the library got me in.

Look at this stuff.

Matthew sent me a video letter
his second week at school.

He shot it and edited it himself.

I think it's so great that he did that.
It's so much work for just a letter.

- Zoe! You're moving it!
- I'm not moving it, I swear!

- Well, I'm not moving it!
- Could it be a ghost moving it?

I swear, it's moving!

- Oh, my God!
- Have you ever heard this word, "paraphilia"?

- Paraphilia?
- Megan, you have to concentrate!

It means, "Repeated, intense
sexual arousal to unconventional

or socially deviant stimuli."

Sarah, I thought you were studying for a
chemistry test!

No, this is on George's Facebook page.

Why is George posting about deviant stimuli?
Is he coming out, or something?

No, his whole page is full of stuff
from psychology texts.

This is from the Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

I think he's just trying to be perverted
and make it look like it's an academic thing.

Here's another definition: "Sexual
arousal in response to sexual objects

or situations that are not part

of societally normative
arousal/activity patterns."

Okay, let's get back to the Ouija board.

It stopped talking to us
when you brought up paraphilia.

They give eight categories of paraphilia.
Exhibitionism, fetishism... bla, bla, bla.

Frotteurism, there's one
you don't hear every day.

Touching or rubbing against
a nonconsensual person.

- Does that mean that "frotteur" is a word?
- Yeah, I think so.

- That would be a good one to remember.
- Maybe this is a very proper ghost from the

olden days, and we're scaring it away
with this sex conversation.

And then the ninth category is called NOS.
Not Otherwise Specified.

When Will went away to Cornell,
I fell into a terrible, terrible sadness.

I knew of course that
I would miss him, very much.

But what I felt was beyond that.

I didn't realize how much
I'd come to depend on him.

For a woman who's alone,
her children become everything.

And the oldest one...

Well,
I know myself better now.

I wasn't taken by surprise in
the same way when Matthew left.

I probably should have talked more
after Matthew left.

It made Mama think I was depressed.

Or maybe I was really depressed,
I don't know.

I felt like I was pretending to
be depressed to avoid having to talk,

but maybe I was really depressed
and just thought I was pretending.

Anyway, Mama,

who means very well,

thought I should see a therapist.

Would you like some coffee?

No

There were also a few times
where she caught me crying.

I cried a lot after Matthew left.

It felt natural.

I felt better afterwards.

I don't think anything
was really wrong.

So, anyway,
that's about all there is to that.

Your sister is still living at home, though.
Jeanne, is that right?

- Yeah, Jeanne.
- Do you speak to her much?

Once in a while.

We don't have all that much in common.

You seem like a nice person,
but I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

- Yes, I can tell.
- I'm completely terrified, actually.

Can you talk about what you're scared of?

Well, if I could do that,
then I wouldn't be scared, right?

I'm sorry,
I'm being rude.

- You can be rude if you want to. - I'm really
not used to talking about private matters.

- I have the impression that you
sometimes enjoy talking. - Oh, yeah.

In fact, you seem unusually
open about your feelings.

Yes, I have this bad habit of embarrassing
everyone by just blurting things out.

- But, right now... - Yeah, I know, you'd think
that this would be my big chance, right?

I'm actually really worried that you're going
to tell whatever I say to my mother.

Jackie, I always discuss that issue with
parents before I begin therapy with a minor.

Your mother has agreed that I will keep
everything you say in strict confidence.

There's only one exception to that rule,
and that's if you say something

that makes me think you're likely
to do harm to yourself.

I'm not going to do harm to myself.

Then everything you say
will remain in this room.

Or maybe you might give my mother advice
about what I should do?

Jackie, I will not give your mother
advice about you,

I will not tell her what you say here.
Okay?

Okay.

So,

- you're a private person.
- Yeah, sometimes.

Do you have any confidants,
anyone you can talk to?

No, not really.

Do you keep a diary, or a notebook where
you can write your thoughts down?

Oh, my God.

No, I would never do such a thing.

You're afraid your mother might read it?

No, my mother would never
do anything like that.

It's just the idea.

Jackie, I think it's best if
we stop for today.

I'm going to ask you to go home and think
about what you want out of this therapy. Okay?

Okay.

I'm going to keep your appointment
for next week in my schedule.

And you or your mother can give me a call
and let me know what you decide to do.

I felt really stupid
for clamming up like that.

I told myself that I would just talk honestly
to this woman at the next session.

But when it came around,
I was terrified all over again.

Okay,

I guess that's all for now.

do you think it's weird that we never
say "I love you" to each other?

Something has to go here at the end,
right?

So, anyway,

I love you.

Bye.

Okay, I guess that's all for now.

I'll probably call you later on, there's
no need for a long dramatic goodbye, right?

I miss you so horribly.

Okay, well, good night.

It's really good. The way you
put it together is really intelligent.

- I really liked the way you cut
the rooms together. - No, I hated that!

- I couldn't get it right.
- No, it had a good rhythm.

Maybe you should think about filmmaking.

- I think you have a talent for it.
- No, you're crazy.

- I just gave up on it and hit Upload.
- Wait, I've got it open in another window.

Hello!

Oh my God!

- What?
- Stop it! Stop it right now!

Do you want me to stop it?

No, wait!

- Put it back on!
- It's still on. There's no sound in this part.

What's happening?

- What's happening now?
- This is the shot of Mama.

Oh, my God.

She's done it, of course. She's done it more
than everyone in the room put together.

So how is it?

I love sex.

- You won't get anything out of her.
- Yeah, but it's different, she's in love.

- It's different when you love the person.
- Look, I'll admit it: I haven't had sex.

And I feel like I'm in the majority.
But listening to everyone talk about sex

all the time, you start
to feel like some kind of freak.

Why do you feel like a freak?
It's not some magic key or something.

Even if you have it,
you still feel like other people

- are having it more, or having it better.
- Yeah, but you didn't even like it.

It was okay. It was fine.
I didn't DIS-like it.

Why should I feel better if you had bad sex?

If I'm, like, the only person in the world
who hasn't had sex...

- I thought you said you were in the majority.
- or FEELING that way.

If I'm FEELING like the only person
in the world who hasn't had sex,

I'm not going to feel any more nurtured
because you had bad sex.

Megan, you're being a little hostile.

- How am I being hostile?
- I didn't say it was bad sex.

People aren't going to just
tell you about their sex lives.

It doesn't mean you're the only one.
It just means people like to keep

- their private lives private.
- Except for Megan.

Yes, except for you!

Did I start this conversation?
Did I start talking about sex? I did not.

You know that I haven't had sex either.

- I know that, but... - Yeah, but you don't
count, Jackie, because you're not even trying.

I'm not even trying?

You never even express any interest in boys.
I can't tell whether you even care.

I do care. I think about it constantly.
Deep down I'm a total slut.

Everyone thinks about it constantly.
Everyone is a slut deep down.

Then why don't you ever flirt,
or even talk about guys?

I don't know. I don't know how to flirt.
I guess I'm shy.

- You are so not shy.
- Well, not with you.

- Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it.
- I think about it constantly too,

and that's frustrating, because I know

everything I'm thinking is just a fantasy
that comes from songs and movies.

- Maybe it has nothing to do with reality.
- Really?

- I don't know, I just wonder.
- Mine feels real.

But you don't really know, though.

I have a really vivid image
of what it's like in my mind,

with all the feelings and the emotions
rolled up together.

Sounds like you have a lot of vivid images.

I can totally see Jackie being a late bloomer.
Like, in ten years,

jetting around the world, having affairs
with movie stars. Right? Can't you picture it?

What about me? Don't I get
to jet around the world? With Jackie?

No, you get to go to college,
and hook up with some guy,

and immediately start
giving us all sex advice.

You are so rude!
If I get a boyfriend in college,

I don't intend to be hanging around with
your ass just so I can give you sex advice.

I'm out of here!

It wasn't until my third therapy session
that I made my confession about Matthew.

And Linda didn't call the cops or anything.

In fact, she didn't seem shocked at all.

I suppose she saw the punch line coming.

Are you attracted to other boys
besides Matthew?

No, not really.

What do you mean by "not really"?

Well...

sometimes I'll feel attracted to somebody
if he has some good quality that I like.

Like, if he's an independent thinker.

Or if he says something really smart,
or really funny.

But all that stuff doesn't mean anything,
really.

It doesn't mean anything?

Well, who knows what that person's really like?

There's no sense falling in love with a guy
just because he can tell a good joke.

- You're concerned you don't know
what they're really like. - Sure.

A lot of people find mystery attractive.

But you seem to want familiarity instead.

Yes, that's true.

I totally need to know everything
about a person before I can get into them.

What does that mean?

- I don't know.
- What do you think it means?

I don't know.

Do you feel afraid, or nervous,
when you don't know everything about a person?

Not afraid, exactly.

Does that person seem dangerous,
or threatening?

I don't think so.
I mean, I don't feel that consciously.

Mostly I'm just bored if
I don't know the other person.

Some people project positive fantasies
onto an attractive stranger.

They imagine that the other person
has all the good qualities

that they're looking for,
until proven otherwise.

Not me. I just assume that everyone
is messed up until proven otherwise.

- Maybe you should become a therapist.
- Really?

Well, "messed up" is not
the proper clinical term.

But not projecting
positive fantasies onto people

is a quality that a therapist needs to have.

So,

how does it work when
you know somebody really well?

- When you can see all their little quirks,
their imperfections... - Sure.

Does that make it difficult
for you to be attracted to them?

Well, it depends on
what the imperfections are.

I don't need people to be perfect.
Everybody has their issues.

Do you see Matthew's issues?

- Well, of course.
- What are they?

Well...

Matthew can be a little bit arrogant.

Like, deep down, he thinks he knows
everything better than everyone.

And he can be judgmental.

He tries not to be like that, though.

That's something good about him.

You can talk to him

if you're upset about something
he did, and he'll hear what you're saying.

No matter how much I think about it...

...what it comes down to...

...he's

the best
person I know.

He's the smartest and the most sensitive
and the most interesting.

And it's not because he's my brother,
it's because he's the best person there is.

If he weren't around, I wouldn't love anyone.
For me, he's irreplaceable.

Did you visit any museums?

It's Will on the phone.
Pick up in the kitchen.

- Tell him I said hi.
- Jackie just came home. She says hello.

There are two kinds of people here.
The first kind, which is my group,

pretends that college is about studying, even
though they know it's really about Topic A.

And the second group doesn't even pretend.

This cluster is legendary

for the alleged co-ed skinny-dipping that
allegedly happens at the alleged swimming pool.

I suspect it was a total myth at first,

but by now a bunch of people
have probably tried it,

just because the idea was put in their heads.

Ever since Matthew left, I've been waiting
for the news that he has a girlfriend.

Sometimes I wish that he would stop dragging
out the suspense and just get it over with.

Linda says that most people
are attracted to mystery,

and that I'm attracted
to people I know really well.

Sounds like she's got your number.

Are you attracted to mystery too?

In some ways.

Is that what you feel about me? That
you know me too well to be attracted to me?

It's hard to say, exactly.

I don't get it. What's the
big deal about mystery?

Because people aren't going
to stay mysterious forever.

And then when the mystery wears off,
you're stuck with them.

That seems to be the way it works.
If you look at married couples.

I think I've got a much more practical system.
The mystery thing is bad evolution.

No, that's wrong.

Evolution doesn't care about the long run.
It cares about getting us to reproduce.

After that, evolution doesn't give a fuck.

And, by the way, it also cares about
getting new, different genes into the pool.

So the more mysterious the better,
as far as evolution is concerned.

Yes, you're right,

you're completely right, as always.
I never thought of it that way.

You're so smart.

And I'm an evolutionary reject.
I'm totally fucked.

Are you unhappy with the therapy?

No, it's okay.

I'm still not sure what it's supposed
to accomplish. But it's fine.

- Are you feeling any better than
you were when you started? - Maybe.

I don't think I was actually depressed,
or anything.

This has nothing to do with you. I love you,
I think you're completely wonderful.

I so wish I could have a good transference and
think about you all the time instead of him,

and then I'd just be a lesbian.

Did I just say that?

- Yes, you did.
- That's embarrassing.

Don't be embarrassed.
You can say whatever you want here.

I actually think
I'm 100% hetero.

I have had girl crushes,

and stuff like that.

I'm supposed to just say whatever
comes into my head, right?

I have a friend named Madeleine
whom I totally adore.

- What's Madeleine like?
- She's really pretty, and

she's incredibly sweet

she hasn't got a mean bone in her body.
She's nice to everyone.

She has a boyfriend.
I don't see her that much.

- Would you see her more if you could?
- Yeah. I would love to see her more.

Is your feeling for Madeleine different
from your feeling for Matthew?

Yeah.

How is it different?

Totally different in every way.

Is it different in terms
of sexual attraction?

Yeah.

So you're sexually attracted to Matthew?

Yeah.

I wasn't completely clear on that.

You gave me the impression earlier
on that it wasn't sexual.

Oh, I said all kinds
of dumb things earlier on.

You almost never talk about...

- Will, is that his name? Your oldest brother.
- Will.

How do you feel about him?

He's pretty cool.

I like him, basically.
He's a real alpha male, very aggressive.

Matthew has a more balanced personality.

You're wondering if I'm attracted to Will,
I bet.

- Are you?
- No.

Not in the least.

So you've never thought of him
in that way.

He's totally not the kind of person
I would feel that way about.

The idea of it is...
just...

Is just what?

Very unpleasant,

and kind of disgusting.

In other words,
it would feel like incest.

Oh my God, I'm so messed up.

Listen up, everyone.

If you're on the majorette squad,
and you're going to the game in Port Jervis,

the bus is outside the main building.
Report to the front desk for a hall pass.

- Yeah?
- You should try out.

Why? Do you think
I'd be a good majorette?

No

Then why did you say anything?

- What a loser.
- The weird thing is that I think he's flirting.

- I'm going out with Sarah and Alex.
- Oh.

- All right.
- Uh, we're going to a party.

- Really?
- What's wrong with that?

Nothing. It's just that
you don't often go to parties.

- So I don't know what time I'll be home.
- That's fine. Have a good time.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Do you remember me? - Yeah.

We did that Catholic Worker
soup kitchen last year, for Charity Drive?

- Yeah, I totally remember you.
- How's Debbie?

She's great.
She's studying.

Who do you know here?

Would you mind?

Okay.

I'm totally inexperienced
at that kind of thing, though.

That's cool.
Just go for it.

It wasn't until the second time I had sex that
it occurred to me to fantasize about Matthew.

After long and serious consideration,

I selected email,
the most impersonal form of communication.

Subject: Defloration

So, when you get home,
you'll find me a ruined woman.

See, I told you, you shouldn't
have left me behind.

Now I have only
a life of prostitution

and degradation before me.

P.S. I'm not joking.

I have no hymen anymore.

Please advise.

Congratulations!

Welcome to the brave new world.

We are now even steven,
but I hope to pull out in front soon.

You seem so comfortable.

I thought it might weird you out a little.

Of course it's weird. But our whole
relationship is so weird in the first place.

- I wanted to weird you out more than I did.
- You did, you weirded me out.

But it's an interesting weird.
It's got a certain fascination.

I turned this conversation
over in my head for days.

I put different interpretations on it,
looked at it from every angle.

What were you feeling?

I don't know.

Not too much.

I was pretty cool-headed
through the whole thing.

- Were there any difficulties?
- No, it went fine.

Were you lubricated?

Oh, yeah. I mean, he went in pretty
easily, after the hymen... incident.

It sounds as if you must have
enjoyed yourself a little bit, at least.

Not really.

If you were lubricated,
you must have had some reaction.

I was wet, but I wasn't really involved.

I felt like a spectator.

You're trying to say
that I secretly enjoyed it?

I'm not trying to say that. I'm saying that it
sounds as if you were physically responsive.

Yeah,

I was

responsive enough for, you know,

the minimum requirements.

You don't like the idea of being attracted
to anyone other than Matthew, do you?

I had a dream last week where I saw a boy who
wasn't Matthew, and I felt attracted to him.

What happened after that in the dream?

I can't remember it clearly.

I never talked to the boy.
Nothing happened between us.

- Who does the boy in the dream remind you of?
- No one in particular.

Can you describe him?

Oh, God, I can't remember.

He was medium height,

and he had long dark hair.

Long for a boy down to his chin.

And he had a round face.

Do those features remind you of anyone?

No, not exactly.

I guess I have a face like that.

Yes, you do.

You think that's me?
What would that mean?

I don't know.

- What do you think it means?
- I have no idea.

He's a nasty little twerp, isn't he.

You are so strong. If that happened to me,
I would crawl under a rock and die.

Oh, who gives a fuck?

Two days later,
after school when no one was around,

Tristan asked me to go out with him again.

He said that he was probably
breaking up with Debbie,

because she didn't like his friends,
or he didn't like her friends, or something.

He kept saying what a good time
he had on Saturday night.

Have you previously applied
for admission to Princeton?

- Which one are you doing first?
- Princeton.

Did you even need to ask that, Mama?

Is that your first choice?

For now.
I'm still doing research.

That's nice, dear. Going away will be
much easier for you if Matthew is around.

I'm getting a lot of resistance
from you on this.

Well, yeah.

We're just talking about it. You know I'm not
in any position to force you to do anything.

That's right, you're not.

I've never even expressed a preference.

Yes, but I know what you want me to do.

Can we talk about why the idea of going
to a different school bothers you so much?

Go ahead, talk.

Hi.

Give me a minute.
I have to finish this for Ms. Rodriguez.

Philip has his mom's van to go
to the Poconos this weekend.

- This weekend? I can't.
- Why not?

It's a vacation,
and my brother's coming home from school,

and, um...
I have a lot of stuff to do at home.

- So, you're busy the whole vacation?
- I don't know. Maybe not.

Okay, whatever.

I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

I really have to finish this.

All right, later.

Why won't you come with me?

I don't see any need to stand
waiting outside the subway station.

You don't even know when he's going to arrive.
- He's on his way now. I'm going.

You're making too big
a fuss over this, Jacqueline.

I don't want to be the only one meeting him.
Come on, come with me.

Why don't you want to be
the only one meeting him?

I don't...know.

But it should be more of an event.

I'm sure it'll be quite a nice surprise
with just you meeting him there.

Don't take him out anywhere,
though come straight home.

Oh, my God.

- How long have you been waiting here?
- Welcome home.

This is a small token of our
appreciation that you've returned to us.

Di Fara's? All right!
Is Mama making dinner?

- Of course. But, you can go ahead and...
- I guess I can handle a slice.

It's so good to see you, dear!

- Hey, Matthew!
- Hi, Jeanne.

Peter completely agreed with me.

But Eli wanted a public room,

he thought we were violating
some unwritten law of roommate life.

That's absurd. You were in the right.

I see his point, in theory.

But he had all these friends
over from Groton on weekends.

- Don't these Princeton students ever study?
As far as he's concerned, if you want to study

go to the library. It's ridiculous,
but there's no point in arguing with him.

Last time we went out,
it was right in the middle of my period.

And I figured, like whatever, go for it.

But he was really nervous,
and he wasn't sure whether he should do it.

And I was really surprised,

because I thought that guys
these days were cool with period blood.

Maybe he just didn't want
to bloody up his mom's sheets.

It was the back seat of his mom's car.

Maybe.

What about you? Does period blood bother you?
- I've never encountered it.

Yes you have.

I've never encountered it in a sex context.
I'm pretty sure I'd be okay with it.

Did this guy get his act together?

Yeah, he was fine once we got started.

I find that I like sex, actually.

- That doesn't surprise me.
- What do you mean?

I've always thought
of you as a sexual person.

Just little things I remember
from when we were kids.

- What do you remember?
- Nothing particular.

I remember you being all smiley and
happy whenever we were up to something.

if we were touching ourselves, or something,
and me being more nervous or guilty,

of course.

You always seemed to have your act together.

It's too bad that didn't last.

The last time that
Tristan and I were together,

he asked me to do
something special for him.

Like what?

Well, he wanted me
to put my finger up his butt.

Uh, okay.

I pretended I was grossed out by it,
and I said no.

I could tell that he really wanted it,
but he dropped the subject.

And the thing is,
I wasn't bothered by it at all.

I just didn't feel like doing it
for him right at that moment.

I guess I was being a bitch.

Did you act all indignant?
Like, "I beg your pardon, sir!"

I think I said "Eeuuugh."

Maybe I'll change my mind sometime
and give him a thrill.

- It wouldn't bother you?
- Totally not.

If I loved a boy,
I would do anything for him.

I would never say no to anything.

You're the last of the romantics.

Romantic with a capital R.

That last comment was directed at me,
I guess.

I guess so.

It would be so great if you had
some horrible, disgusting perversion

that no one else in
the world would ever gratify.

You'd probably never tell me,
would you.

You could at least pretend
you're not watching my crotch for a reaction.

Are you having a reaction?

What's wrong?

- This was a mistake.
- Matthew, wait!

- Sit down!
It's like you're doing everything you can

to make it impossible for me to be around you.
- Oh, please don't be angry with me! Please!

You have to know what you're doing.
You have to know how hard you're pushing me.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
But everything is at stake!

- My whole life is at stake right now!
- I'm going to bed.

That was the last sleepless night
of my life so far.

Hi.

Hi.

Can we go upstairs and talk for a second?

Sure.

- Do you need your coffee first?
- Yeah.

There's only one thing I'm really afraid of,
and that's that you'll withdraw from me...

- emotionally.
- Maybe that's what has to happen.

If we want to have a normal life.

You mean if I want to have a normal life.

No, me too.

Really?

You're a very powerful person.
Maybe you don't think so.

- I don't feel powerful.
- But you are.

I feel like I'm caught in
your force field sometimes.

I can't get my balance.

What you're saying
is unbearably sad to me.

I can deal with our being apart.

I think I can deal with that.

And I can deal with you having
other people in your life.

But what I can't deal with is the
thought that I won't be connected to you.

Look at you, though.

You're crying all the time.
You're crying now.

Is that what you want?

Crying isn't such a bad thing. You don't
understand that, because you never cry.

If I cried too, this house would,
like, be washed away.

You should try it sometime.
It helps.

Besides,
I'm saying goodbye to something.

You're supposed to cry
when you say goodbye.

Drama queen.

- What's going on?
- Just leave them alone.

I managed pretty well for
the rest of that vacation.

I did have a little breakdown when Matthew
left for school, but that wasn't too awful.

I think he expected it.

It was the hardest decision
I've made in my entire life,

but I never sent in
my application to Princeton.

I can't describe how I felt
as the deadline approached.

I don't like to think about it.

I was looking forward
to telling Linda about my decision,

but of course she turns it
around on me and says

"Did you think that
I wanted you to do that?"

I don't know why she's wasting
her time on small fry like me,

she should be psychoanalyzing
people in Vienna, or something.

This house is my native country.

Soon I'll have to leave it,
and go among foreigners.

In the winter I began dating
a nice boy named Robert,

who goes to a different high school.

We aren't going
to the same college in the fall,

and everyone seems to think
that romances don't last when that happens.

I guess we'll see.

Maybe I'll be the exception to the rule,
as I am to so many other rules.

I feel so old lately,
so prematurely old.

I'm not even 18 yet, and I'm
already resigned to never being happy,

pretending from morning to night
that I want the same things as everyone else.

Linda says that I shouldn't feel fatalistic,
that my life will keep changing.

She's a smart lady,
I hope she's right.

I'm thinking that I'd like
to major in psychology at college.

I can't honestly say that therapy
has changed me in any big way,

but that's one good thing
that came out of it, at least.

Linda thinks I'm having a transference.
But I'm really interested in this stuff.

You may be worried about
the possibility of getting a therapist

who's as twisted and abnormal as me.

But, you know,
I think that's how it usually happens.

First you wonder
how your own head works,

and then you get interested
in other people's heads.

Subtitulos creados por Dani Gascó